Je ne sais quoi...

Let's Make Fun of Angry, Humorless Commenters!

2012-12-05T10:30:00.000+01:00

This happens so rarely that I just can't resist. My blog on Carla was picked up by http://TheParisBlog.com, and it's a mixed bag of crazy readers over there, so I have a lot of fun reading the responses. There's always some colon-tickling moron with his thumb so far up his asshole that he can poke his own bellybutton from the inside and god help me, but I love making fun of these guys. Instead

Dear Carla, Please Shut Your Tiny, Smirking, Botox Hole.

2012-12-03T11:43:00.001+01:00

So I was just stuck in an elevator for an hour. This is what happens... She's at it again folks. Rarely am I in a position to write a blog and I think to myself, "Ok. This is so F#@!ed up... where do I even begin?". This is one of those times. All I can say about this is that despite how well spoken she seems in this most recent Vogue article, her stupidity has reached a level that even I

More shit that doesn't exist in France

2012-11-29T11:27:00.000+01:00

As we kick off the holiday season with recently feasted,Thanksgiving, I'm here to contribute a list of even more shit that doesn't exist over here, thus, negating everyone's "I'm SO THANKFUL for my AMAZING LIFE [Insert Humble Brag here]" posts. Yerwelk. 1) THANKSGIVING doesn't exist here. Though, I did receive a shocking number of "I hope you had a good thanksgiving" messages from the

France's Fat Food Fight is Flighty

2012-11-26T13:02:00.000+01:00

Though in Paris the population seems to mostly fit into "Taille Petite" (a size small), this country has a decided love affair with foods made mostly, or entirely, OF FAT. I present to you, exhibits A through D as evidence there of: A) Brie. Delicious, gooey, and equal parts pure lard and proteine, this French staple is always a part of holidays and Sunday dinners for the lactose tolerant.

The Difference Between French & American Baby Showers

2012-11-12T18:50:00.001+01:00

Holy shit. I know I've turned 30 when all my friends have started families. Year of the dragon my ass, it's year of THE BABY. They are popping up like fricken mushrooms, people. The French love babies. This is clear enough to me when strange people are constantly stopping to stare at my buddies' little ones to coo, ogle and often give totally inappropriate, unsolicited advice. What's odd is

The French have invented a new way to get drunk

2012-11-06T12:00:00.000+01:00

copyright quantumsensations.com All I can think about this invention is: What took them so long? It's about bloody time someone invented a pure-alcohol breath spray that hastily gets you loaded. My only regret is that I was living under a rock when this stark-designed miraculous discovery was unleashed on the world. Despite the genius involved here, I'm convinced that they got the name

Paris transportation & Vom. Apparently I have 2 stories now. (+Bonus give away!)

2012-11-01T19:45:00.000+01:00

copyright http://www.signspotting.com I wish I could say that this is my "vomit story", but yack and I have a long (long) history when it comes to transportation going all the way back to our family road trip across the US where I filled numerous bags full of stomach acid and half digested McNuggets. I've even blogged about some of the more awful ones in the past. But this story. This takes

3 Shocking Things the French have Admitted

2012-10-22T13:00:00.000+02:00

I'm seeing a very strange trend happening over the past few months. The French seem to unabashedly be accepting their oddities and it's all over the media in several different places. Here are the top 3 that shocked me the most -- did they shock you? Photo copyright: Atlantic Cities Bruno Marguerite/RATP 1) The French can really be a bag of dicks sometimes. I thought hell would freeze

Subject: Hello Dear.

2012-10-08T10:07:00.002+02:00

Just got this curious email in my inbox: "Forty-four years of age, a ship Captain. Wish to know you. Sincerely, -------------" He sounds like a long lost father, or grandfather or some other absent, regretful, patriarch, and not someone trying to scam naked photos which is what this weirdo probably is. I'm not sure how to tell him the following, taking suggestions on email draft... a)

How I lost 40lbs and Smelled AWESOME doing it.

2012-08-17T13:13:00.002+02:00

OMFG you guys. FRANCE. HAS. DONE. IT. Think about it. What are the two biggest problems this country is currently battling? Ok. Besides the economy. Ok, ok. Besides the housing disaster. FINE, besides EVERYTHING that matters to the governing of the country, the next most important issues. I said, besides the fact that Greece, Spain and Italy are going to plunge Europe into an economic

How to go INSANE Part II: French Customer Service Survival Tips

2012-08-15T16:02:00.000+02:00

Here's the rest of the story, and some tips for you as promised! Chapter 5: Apparently I'm a masochist. And a Giant Moron. (But we already knew the 2nd part) Yes, I did it. I called the insurance company back when the phone spontaneously stopped working, after I previously insulted the balls off them. At least this time I wasn't dumb enough to expect them to help, almost. I can't help it,

How to go INSANE Part I: French Customer Service Survival Tips

2012-08-13T12:35:00.000+02:00

Preface: This saga is so drama-filled that I couldn't even fit it into one blog. So, posting in 2 parts. I apologize for the suspense, I know you're all dying a slow, painful, death-of-the-soul, waiting for part two to be posted. (ps: I don't apologize for the suspense.) To accompany the 10 chapters of this story, I have created what I call, The French Customer Service Rage-O-Meter! It goes

Study says Some Men Like Women... again. Sigh.

2012-08-09T13:25:00.001+02:00

So, they're at it again. Trying to find more, extremely obvious, ways to prove that straight men enjoy looking at women. (Le sigh). Can someone *pleeeeease* tell me when money will stop being wasted proving the following things are true about heterosexual men: - Men like women who have breastesses - Men like women who show their brestesses - Men like women who have vaginas, labia and a

Watch this French guy DESTROY that cheese

2012-08-06T21:16:00.001+02:00

I've done several posts about France and food. I'm not so much the "OMG this restaurant makes me incontinent I'm so excited to eat there!!!!" type, but it's a topic I feel the need to bring down a notch from time to time. This blog is no exception. In the spirit of the Olympics which have taken over the planet, I've decided to turn the JNSQ spotlight on to a very important... wait, wait, no.

In all seriousness...

2012-08-05T00:45:00.002+02:00

I tried to repress this comment, but I can't. Just look at this guy's face while the woman is speaking. I took a screenshot. Clearly, he thinks it's funny, he thinks female contraception, and the brave woman defending it, are a joke. She's so eloquent, it's all the more insulting that he belittles her articulate speech with his sad little grin. Watching this clip reminds me of all that

Pinterested in some crazy shiz?

2012-08-02T11:43:00.001+02:00

In yet another blatantly conscious attempt to avoid real life, I've started pinning. In case you live under a rock, it's where you take images and plug them into a website. It's like when unicorns touch their horns together and a beam of light erupts so bright that rainbow sparkles fall from the sky and the sun turns into a giant lollypop and pandas begin prancing around in a garden full of

Better than a Taxi: SnapCar!

2012-07-31T16:48:00.000+02:00

If you're a regular reader here, you'll note that it's rare for me to promote products via my blog. I'm typically pretty skeptical and I don't like putting something out there for someone else if I wouldn't use it myself. I took a test drive of this service, and highly recommend, read on to find out why :) As much as I love Paris' public transport, frankly, it's unreliable. (And stinky, and

Special Word for My Spammers

2012-07-25T00:30:00.000+02:00

Why do y'all have to be so damn NICE?? I was looking back through the blog comments, feeling guilty as uge because I am horrible at replying, when I noticed something. All of the spammers are so fucking sweet to me. I'm serious as bubonicebolapoxaids. You guys didn't have to do that, I know you just want to plug your gold selling businesses, but honestly... I'm touched. Here are a just few

Why you should never own an expensive car in France

2012-07-22T13:10:00.002+02:00

©Mark Elias/Bloomberg News I had a "fat morning" as they say here in France, I was lazily reading the NY Times when I came upon this story: "Crash of Rare Ferrari Under Investigation" For those of you who hate to read a) why are you here? and b) fine, here's the gist of it: Man with $30M to $40M valued hot rod decided to drive it around town and got into an accident with, wait for it.... A

How I Became a Voyeurist and Other Humiliating Confessions

2012-07-21T18:09:00.000+02:00

©waxorian on Flickr I think it's really time for me to admit that my new-found freedom from work (taking a summer hiatus), has occasionally left me with a bit *too much* free time. This week I found myself more and more inclined to look out the window, and for lack of a better word, spy. At first it was just curiosity. I'd heard the 'birds and the bees' phrase before, but never paid much

5 Reasons Parisians Hate Fete de la Musique

2012-07-15T14:28:00.002+02:00

Now that the festival is well behind us, and I'm not at risk of having any more bottles thrown at my taxi (true story), I feel I can safely share my top 5 reasons why many Parisians really, truly, HATE the Fête de la Musique (aka: City-wide music festival that happens all over the world). In case you're not familiar with it, here's the official definition from wikipedia: "Amateur and

Breaking the silence...

2012-04-24T12:56:00.003+02:00

I'm so mad I could spit. Wild horses couldn't keep me from writing this blog!! No matter how busy I am, I've taken my lunch break to share this important flowchart with you all. More to come later... xx S Click here to see the full-size version

What the F do the Borg have to do with Thanksgiving?

2011-12-05T12:42:00.001+01:00

Resistence is Effing FUTILE yotch! image © Wikipedia Over the last couple of months, I have transformed from workaholic, to android who does nothing but work, eat, sleep and crap, into a full-on BORG. Old habits don't die hard with me, they live on, and on, and on, and effing ON. They are as immortal as the Borg themselves. As a sort of wake up call, I started tracking my hours very

10 Day Ohm Project Update

2011-11-22T12:29:00.000+01:00

So, it wasn't a total failure, but not exactly a success either. I kept up with the hypnosis and occasional meditation, but the yoga was a total bust. I keep telling myself: you *must have* 30 minutes a day to do this crap, but somehow it keeps getting pushed aside into "I'll do it later" land.I think karma is plotting against me... I try to quit smoking, and my world kind of goes up in smoke. I

The 10-day Ommmm Project

2011-11-10T11:44:00.000+01:00

Copyright © Flickr by porchlife If you know me IRL (as the kids say), you know that I'm a haggard, frazzled, stressed person at the moment. The phrase "I have a lot going on" was what I was telling myself 5 projects ago. Between that, and family stuff, friend stuff, Italian class, and all the other things life throws at me right now, it's been busy times a gajillion. Long story short: