Canterbury Journals

Cute teacher giftie i made

2015-08-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

Emma started kindergarten and I wanted her to be able to give something small to her teacher. We know her teacher likes insects, so I thought maybe some sort of word play on bees.

I searched on pinterest and found some baby shower thank you cards with Burt's Bees lip balm stuck on them. That inspired me to make this.....

I created the card in Word, printed on card stock, then used puffy double sided tape to attach the lip balm. Had Emma sign it, and viola!

Nutella Brownies-Is it really good?

2015-08-24T07:00:00.000-05:00

I have been seeing this little movie/picture from various sources giving the recipe for Nutella Brownies, mostly on my feed on Facebook and on Pinterest. Intriguing and sounds yummy. Do they really turn out like they show in the pictures and more importantly, do they taste good?

First and foremost--- These brownies are a treat and Nutella is not healthy. Don't eat the whole batch in one sitting like my husband did. Well, okay, three quarters of the batch. I don't have the calorie count for these. Just say 'A LOT' or run it through a recipe calculator.

Recipe:

1 and 1/4 cups of Nutella
1/2 Cup of flour
2 eggs

That's it! Everyone has these things in their kitchens. Brownies here we come!

Now, the pictures of the finished brownies showed this wonderful plate of thick brownies. Given that I'm trying to lose weight, I didn't want a bunch of brownies tempting me, but I wanted to try this. So I halved the recipe.

Mixed it up.....

Here's where it gets a little iffy...

In the movie they show them putting the batter into a cake pan. So logically I thought that either a square pan or a teeny one and a half quart pan would be fine. I had trouble getting the batter to cover the little one and a half qt pan, but I went with it. 'These are gonna be some really thin brownies,' I thought. The ones on the video were so thick though! Still went with it.

I baked it for 15 minutes at 350 degrees in my pan sprayed with Pam, and it came out yummy looking, although they did look thin.

Final Verdict:

These brownies are delish! On the original example movie, to have them turn out so thick, they HAD to have doubled the batch or used a smaller cake pan, which it didn't look like it to me. So either use the recipe above with the smaller pan, or double it with a bigger. That's my only gripe. Otherwise, the taste and method is on point. Much better than boxed brownies. Much easier than making traditional from scratch.

Thumbs up!!!!

New Beginnings

2015-08-23T07:00:00.000-05:00

Monday marks a bunch of new beginnings for us. Ethan will enter the world of high school as a freshman, Emma will enter the world of Kindergarten, and I will enter the world of a quiet house during the day. I meet this with mixed feelings. On the one hand, I'm seeing these two tremendous individuals open new chapters in their lives, on the other, I have to let go just a bit more.

I like that Ethan is in the band. They have been working together for the half time marching shows for a month now. He has a group of people that he has bonded with to some degree, a clique, if you will. With him having Asperger's, it worries me to no end sometimes - him being in high school and being socially awkward. I want to go and grab him and shield him from all the mean kids, the teachers who really don't 'get him', and the uncomfortable social situations he will inevitably face. That isn't realistic nor is it healthy for him, but I just cant help it-I'm his mom! :) He would be just as happy playing Xbox-not so excited about school starting.

Emma is counting down until school starts. She is more than excited. She is going to have the same teacher that Ethan had for his first grade class. So we know her and I really like her-so that's great! Emma will have no problems I'm sure. She is eager to learn new things and make new friends!

I'm not going to be so involved with the school. I was on the PTA board for years and I was in committees even more years, then I volunteered in the classrooms-I was at the school more than I was at home during Ethan's educational career. Which, depending on how you look at things, may be good--but I never made time for me. This go round I am. Lots more exercise is in store! What do I need? What do I want to do? I haven't honestly put myself ahead of everyone before. That way didn't work as far as my weight and general well being was concerned.

It makes me feel a little guilty that I'm not going to be around the school as much for Emma. There's always got to be some guilt somewhere, huh?

Rock a Thon

2015-08-22T14:52:00.001-05:00

Last night we saw Ethan play in band at the start of Rock a thon. What's Rock a thon you ask? Its a fundraiser for the band and the kids go to the school at night and literally rock in rocking chairs until the morning. There is dinner and various activities sprinkled in, like laser tag, bounce houses, basketball, movies, and what not. 12 hours of fun!

The band has been working for about 3 weeks together. I may be biased, but I think they will be amazing. We have had so much rain this past week, and the poor things got rained off the football field into the gym, but they did well considering.

Here's the brass!!! Personally, I'll always be a woodwind at heart (clarinet player) but Ethan is brass so I now love brass too......

Merging of the Blogs

2015-08-16T11:36:00.001-05:00

So I merged my weight loss blog with this one. I was going to resurrect this one, as I just didn't have the time to do anything with it, but I didn't want this one and then the other for my random thoughts on the health/weight loss stuff. Double work I know I'll never get around to! I hate that this blog was just sitting....

I'm down 130 pounds! My weight has stalled a bit the past couple of weeks. I have to kick it into gear and start using my fitbit and track my food to get back on track. The mom shuttle has begun with band camp, dance class, and gymnastics starting again. Time limits are a problem and truth be told, I haven't been making all the best food choices, but I haven't gained. That's a plus, right? When Emma starts Kindergarten here in a week, I'll be free to run/walk without having to tow her along in some capacity. Look out! I'll be the lady with the pug. :)

My hernia isn't doing so well and my doctor wants me to go in for surgery to fix it. It is getting worse because I don't have that 130 pounds pushing back keeping it in anymore so it pops out a lot. Sorry if that's TMI, but it is what it is. It will have to wait until after football season. My baby will be marching this year. Unfortunately, the other side of my little city is my high school alma mater. My kids will attend the opposing school. Who will I root for? I was actually going to drive them across town to my old school when they started high school, but the current school is 1 mile away. That would be silly. Cant say I didn't think about it, however!

I'm sad that Summer is ending. We have been busy all summer and have done so many fun things! I'll be able to focus more on myself while the kids are in school and get caught up with the seemingly endless projects I take on.

Prison

2015-07-12T06:43:00.000-05:00

Well, as of this morning I have lost 119 pounds! Yay me! We are going to the beach today and I'm not fretting about how I'm going to look, or what clothes I'm going to wear, what is going to fit, etc. etc. because things are either too big for me in my closet, or fit just right. I haven't the largest selection of clothing, but I don't even care! Haven't a clue what actual size I am right now, it changes weekly it seems and good clothes are expensive! So I don't want to go and buy a bunch of stuff only to not fit in it in a short time.

That brings me to the subject at hand. I had spent SO much time worrying about clothes, places, people, situations... on and on when it had to do with my weight. So much so that it was just better to stay put at home. It was a prison. I see pictures of a friend of mine (she had bypass 2 years ago) that went to California last week. Pictures of her on Venice Beach, wearing her 2 piece swimsuit, doing yoga on the hillside. She would have NEVER had done that 100 pounds ago. I know I'm not the only one.

I went with my little family to the circus the other night. We had the best time. I kept saying, 'I wouldn't have been here this time last year.' ...and I wouldn't have. I would have been able to climb the stairs all the way up the stadium, but I would have been out of breath and sweaty. Those things didn't happen to me this time around. The chair would have been really snug to the point of pain. The other night, I was comfy with room to spare. I would have worried about people looking at me. I didn't feel like I stood out too much, except for the fact that I'm a 5'10" lady in a sea of 5'5" ladies. I would have worried about what I was going to wear. I just threw on some clothes that were clean, I have no issues now with clothes being too tightish (that's my new word), I don't feel like I have to be in a tent of a shirt now. Gosh, all the time I spent worrying. I'll never have it back

So, we are going on our yearly adventure to the beach today. I'm not scared to not wear a shirt and shorts OVER my suit. I'm not wearing a string bikini by any means-ha!-but Im not ashamed anymore. Sure, I have some more weight to lose. Sure, my thighs are not the tight Gisele Bündchen thighs that everyone strives for, but I have come a LONG way. I have been released from a virtual prison. And you know what? Everyone in my family is better off for it. :)

My babies :)

Pre-Circus selfie!

Empathy

2015-05-15T10:03:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, I have become very cynical about the human spirit. That being said, I still go out of my way to help those that I see need it. I'm always hoping that in some small way, I'll start that butterfly effect of kindness. Pay it forward. Don't be judgmental. You never know what someone is going through or what cross they bear in their life.

I have noticed a disturbing thing I'm doing, however. I'm starting to judge people by what they have in their carts at the grocery store. Especially the overweight. What am I going to do? Talk about the nutritional impact of a Brussels sprout versus the bag of chips they have in their cart? I really hate that I do this.

I wonder how many people judged ME?

I'm feeling pretty good.

2015-05-14T09:47:00.000-05:00

I was thinking this morning about how I feel.

It's to the point where I think people can notice that I've lost weight and they aren't just being nice when they say I look different. That feels good.

My old clothes are REALLY looking baggy. To where I cant really get away with wearing them anymore. That feels good.

I'm able to run more easily playing with my five year old, and my 14 year old for that matter, too. That feels good.

I thought I was doing pretty well with endurance at my heaviest, and I was, but I'm able to walk for longer distances with less discomfort now. That feels good.

I look at myself in the mirror and I am much healthier looking. That feels good.

I cant feel my poor heart beating fast after I walk up the stairs. That feels good.

All in all, I'm feeling good! :)

Letting go

2015-05-13T14:24:00.000-05:00

Well I have lost 94 pounds! Hooray!

Something that has been going on that I feel inclined to write about is my obsession with Nirvana here lately. Kurt Cobain specifically.

I was 18 or so when Nirvana became famous and supposedly 'changed the face of music' way back when. I was a fan. I thought Kurt and Krist were cuties, I had their CDs, I rushed home from work to watch Unplugged, blah blah. I always seemed to be working or otherwise busy when they came around in concert, and I really regret not making time. I never dreamed there potentially wouldn't BE another time. I felt the betrayal when Kurt killed himself. That was a dark day. I was in San Antonio at the time. It's amazing the mark Nirvana left in just the short time they were popular. Arguably, the Foo Fighters are way more successful, but that's a post for another time, and probably another blog too. 'Laura's adventures in alternative music' perhaps?

I digress. I watched Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck last week and realized that I really didn't know all that much about him. So I started researching. I'd be safe in saying with all the reading and movie watching I've done on Mr. Cobain, I am highly knowledgeable about him now. I have even been through the gamut of emotions about it. Again. I have gone from sad (aww he killed himself), to questioning (This suicide stuff doesn't add up-Courtney MUST go down! Wait...Why am I wasting so much of my time on this?), to anger (how DARE he be so selfish and take himself from his daughter and all the thousands (millions?-I have little faith in humanity) of people that really do care). Anyways, the guy was a bipolar, creative, clinically depressed, anti-social Pisces. Is it safe to say I identify a bit with him? You betcha. He wanted out. It all became too much. The Music Industry machine making billions most certainly wasn't going to stop and God knows what it must have been like being married to ole Courtney-I'm sure that wasn't living up to expectations. Any one of us can go down this path, and that he made it as long as he did untreated (back in '94 I think there was just Prozac and he allegedly had a bad reaction to it-you just needed to suck it up) actually makes him a little bit of a hero.

What heroin was to him is what food is (or was) to me.

The other day I had a really upsetting thing that happened. I cried for a few hours. My pain was raw. I had trouble dealing with it. My mind was like a water hose with super high pressure just flitting around. I couldn't make it stop. I wanted to numb it. I wanted food. No, that's no good. I wanted pain killers. Wait, that's scary. I wanted sleeping pills to just go to sleep. Wait, that's scary too. For the first time, I dealt with my pain without medicating myself with food. Yay me!

I often think of a quote by Janet Fitch, “You've got to let go of who you were, to become who you will be.” I'm letting go.

RIP Kurt.

Rewards

2015-04-23T00:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I have officially lost 85 pounds since August 2014 and 53 since January. I want to do things to reward myself. Just another little motivation on top of just feeling better!! This got me to thinking... what things would motivate me other than food? I am compiling a list and I am not sure if I will use my surgery date weight or my total weight, but there will be fun to be had either way. This list is a work in progress and I will add more as I think of more:

1. Manicure
2. Weekend getaway with hubby
3. Go to the movies (that's not a kids movie!)
4. Flowers
5. New sandals
6. new pretty fun ring or bracelet
7. Buy some yummy smelling lotion
8. Have my house cleaned by someone other than me
9. Have some professional pictures made

One of my two favorite flowers:

Scary!

2015-04-22T00:33:00.000-05:00

Cravings

2015-04-21T00:27:00.000-05:00

I have been low in calcium. I was taking the wrong calcium like a dum dum, but this has since been resolved. Interestingly, I have been craving chips and pretzels... I never had before. Even more interestingly, I found this on my online travels and look at what it says for chips... I'll try the alternative healthy foods here :)

The Easter Hernia

2015-04-07T09:24:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, I went to the hospital with intense abdominal pain. Found out it was a hernia!!! Lovely. I also found that a few people in my family have them. When I was talking to my mom, I remembered shortly after I had Emma I got this weird bump around my belly button and I would assume that was it. Having the bariatric surgery just probably made it worse. :( I haven't had any more trouble with it. I was lifting some boxes and I felt a pull on my tummy then went and sat down. So far so good.. : \

The Eggs are coming!!

2015-04-02T03:00:00.000-05:00

Easter + Small Kids = TONS of boiled and colored eggs...

Tomorrow the ceremonial coloring of the eggs will occur. This has made me think about what in the world I'm going to do with them, as I have changed my evil eating ways. I can cut one up with my salad, but that's boring. I'll eat them just out of the fridge for some extra protein that couldn't hurt either... but that's boring too! So I started looking up some recipes and found these off the Eating Well website:

EatingWell Deviled Eggs

24 servings

Ingredients

12 large hard-boiled eggs, peeled
1/3 cup nonfat cottage cheese
1/4 cup low-fat mayonnaise
3 tablespoons minced fresh chives or scallion greens
1 tablespoon sweet pickle relish (I'll use dill. Not a fan of sweet pickles)
2 teaspoons yellow mustard (I'm going to try Dijon)
1/8 teaspoon salt (I'll skip the salt-again, not a fan)
Paprika for garnish

Preparation

Halve eggs lengthwise with a sharp knife. Gently remove the yolks. Place 16 yolk halves in a food processor (discard the remaining 8 yolk halves). Add cottage cheese, mayonnaise, chives (or scallion greens), relish, mustard and salt; process until smooth.
Spoon about 2 teaspoons yolk mixture into each egg white half. Sprinkle with paprika, if desired.

Tips & Notes

Make Ahead Tip: Cover and refrigerate for up to 1 day.

Nutrition

Per serving: 34 calories; 2 g fat (1 g sat, 1 g mono); 71 mg cholesterol; 1 g carbohydrates; 0 g added sugars; 3 g protein; 0 g fiber; 85 mg sodium; 31 mg potassium.

Cobb Egg Salad

4 servings about 3/4C each

Ingredients

3 tablespoons nonfat plain yogurt

3 tablespoons low-fat mayonnaise

1/4 teaspoon garlic powder

1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper

1/8 teaspoon salt

8 hard-boiled eggs

1 ripe avocado, cubed

2 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled

1/4 cup crumbled blue cheese

Preparation

Combine yogurt, mayonnaise, garlic powder, pepper and salt in a medium bowl.

Halve eggs and discard 4 of the yolks (or save for another use). Add whites and the remaining 4 yolks to the bowl and mash to desired consistency. Gently stir in avocado, bacon and blue cheese.

Tips & Notes

Make Ahead Tip: Cover and refrigerate for up to 2 days.

Nutrition

Per serving: 257 calories; 18 g fat (5 g sat, 9 g mono); 200 mg cholesterol; 9 g carbohydrates; 0 g added sugars; 15 g protein; 3 g fiber; 515 mg sodium; 447 mg potassium.

This one is a little high in the fat and calories for me, but its just once a year, right?!?! :) Would you look at that protein....

There's many more recipes on there but those two interested me. http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes_menus/recipe_slideshows/hard_boiled_egg_recipes

Avocados - The Super food?

2015-04-02T00:27:00.000-05:00

Let me say this. I love love love LOVE avocados!!!! Since my surgery, So many tastes of mine have changed. I used to love pickles, now I don't care for them. Bread makes me want to barf, where I used to eat half a French bread with butter before, just for instance.

Something I have really taken to are avocados. I love them. I love the texture. The taste. The color. The way they have their own wrapping. The smell. The ease you can scoop the avocado from the skin. If I had a small bowl of chips and some guacamole, I'd be in heaven. I haven't given into that, as that would be a danger food for me, but it makes my mouth water thinking of it. I eat half of one one day, then I'll eat the other half the next. I cut them up and put them on everything pretty much. I'm thinking about a scrambled egg with some or a low fat tuna salad tomorrow. yum! I don't buy them often, but I have two just ripening in my kitchen right now.

Fun facts (from the California Avocado Commission):

Avocados are a fruit
Avocados were once a luxury food reserved for the tables of royalty
The avocado is also called an Alligator Pear because of its pear-like shape and green skin

Some notable, yet not so fun facts:

Avocados offer nearly 20 vitamins and minerals in every serving.
Avocados are a good source of B vitamins, which help you fight off disease and infection. They also give you vitamins C and E, plus natural plant chemicals that may help prevent cancer.
Avocados are low in sugar. And they contain fiber, which helps you feel full longer.
Avocados are high in fat. But it's monounsaturated fat, which is a "good" fat that helps lower bad cholesterol, as long as you eat them in moderation.

Now, a single serving of avocado is 1/5 of the fruit (about 50 cal in a medium one), not the 1/2 I usually eat. I have the extra calories to spend, however, and I choose to spend them on my favorite little Alligator Pears! (I can think of a million worse ways to spend them too! :P)

Disney on Ice and a dose of self esteem

2015-03-30T22:34:00.000-05:00

Well, today I did something I would NEVER have done 3 months ago. I bought tickets to see Disney on Ice with Emma at the Reliant Stadium. I didn't like to go out of the house, much less go there. All the people cramped up in those seats, getting in your personal space. The seats, made for much smaller people. Ouch on your tush!! I just couldn't take it before all this. I did buy seats on the outside, in hopes that no one will take the seats by us and we don't have to be all crammy. Big seat, little seat, I need my personal space!!

I know I still have a ways to go, but my self esteem is much better now. Not 100% by any means, but I don't hide so much in shame. I still don't enjoy putting on my fake smile and nodding with all the PTA/Dance moms, but its a start. Gosh, I don't ever think I'll ever like the PTA/Dance moms. I'll continue to avoid them. Yeah, I'm that random mommy over on the side either reading or talking on the phone. Ha! Served my time with those ladies and it's like high school all over. Never again.

I started the Denise Austin workout plan thing. I have always loved her. Walking around the block endless times is getting so boring and the treadmill makes me want to scream. Even more boring. Even with TV. Go figure. Anyway, I have been longing to do some aerobics, but all the classes offered here in my City are the silly Zumba ones. I have nothing against it, it just isn't what I want to do. So, I did her little aerobic workout thing for today and it was great! Emma even did it too. She is so cute! With all that and all the running around I did today, I got in almost 8k steps! yayyyy!!! Im not really supposed to do any strength stuff for a few more months, especially for abs, but I might try to work on my arms and legs toning. Couldn't hurt.

We are off to the children's museum tomorrow. I have a love/hate relationship with that place. Emma loves it, but it is such organized chaos. Especially after 11 or so. Again, the personal space issue. Kids everywhere.

Supersize Vs Superskinny

2015-03-29T02:03:00.000-05:00

I watch/listen to a LOT of youtube and I found this British show. It can be really eye opening. A LOT of people have the food issues I used to have. Seeing some of the debilitated people where their weight has become their prison makes me deeply sad for them. I am also fortunate that I have pulled myself from that fate.

On the flip side, I see where the 'Superskinnies' can have so many health problems from malnutrition... That's pretty scary.

It renews my resolve to eat well. :)

A tale of confusion at the doctor's office

2015-03-24T11:13:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I went to the doctor and everything went ok. According to their official scale, I have lost 42 pounds since surgery, 74 since the start of all this. I learned the average for weight loss is 2-5 pounds a week.

So after meeting with Dr. Primomo's nurse, after all the times I've seen her, she has only been in a good mood and very friendly once. She's not outright mean, but she's just really negative. Things like, 'this letter from your other doctor wont work. We need a full psychiatric workup.' Then that same day my Doctor approves it... Then when she was getting all my info and she kind of freaked when I said I didn't eat 4 meals a day... I've gotten to where I just don't listen to her. I nod my head, answer her questions, and smile. I digress........

Dr. Primomo finally comes in and he was correct in the beginning with my weights and talking about them and such. Now, I just love Dr. Primomo. He is very kind and down to earth. (Side note: He said to throw away my scale, just eat a clean diet with veggies and fish, and quit comparing myself to others.) He said I was doing very well. Then he kind of switched and I'm not sure if he just said the wrong number or what but he said he knew I had been living by the scale for most of my life and that hadn't worked for me. that a loss of 74 pounds in 2 and a half months was amazing... I looked at him a moment and thought, 'I haven't lost 74 lbs in 2 months...' but he was just a smilin' so I went with it. I didn't want to correct him. What harm would it do? I was a bit confused and did my nod and smile. He asked if I had more questions and I just wanted to book it out of there. I know I'm in now way one of his problem cases, but gosh... Did he have so much on his mind that in the middle of the convo completely forgot my numbers? ..Or was it the conversation with Emma about Frozen that made him forget?

Next time Derek will come with me to keep this stuff on track ;)

We went to Cracker Barrel after the appointment. I had a salad and veggie soup. Cracker Barrel has really gone down the toilet. The croutons and grilled chicken were horrid, the service was horrid, and the silverware was dirty!

What's better, having high expectations or having low expectations?

2015-03-17T10:59:00.000-05:00

I have always been a firm believer in the sayings, 'Hope for the best but prepare for the worst' and 'Don't expect anything and you don't get disappointed.' However, going through this weight loss journey (and I hate when people call it a journey, but I'm at a loss for words), my stance has changed. If my expectations are low, how can I push myself when I hit slumps? I'm still in the honeymoon stage of all this and things are coming easily, but I DO expect to push myself when I hit a plateau and I will strive for my goal! :) For the first time since I was 4, I WILL be in the 'normal' weight category of those silly BMI charts. Not the overweight ones.

Speaking of plateau, I hope I don't hit one next week. I weigh myself every Sunday morning. That is the 'official' weigh in for each week. Last week I lost 6 pounds! While that's exciting, that's also double of what I have been losing. So Sunday, I hope to see a loss of at least a pound! *crosses fingers*

Going to take Emma to the park in a bit. I'm going to get my walk for the day in there. I hope the trails aren't muddy! uggg

Been meaning to write something

2015-03-12T13:03:00.000-05:00

Welp, it has been quite some time since I have written anything. but I don't want this to become one of those old, lost, non updated blog sites we all see too often out there. As of this morning, I have lost 70 pounds since August of last year and 38 pounds since the morning of my surgery. I suppose that isn't too bad for a teensy bit over 2 months. I STILL cant get it out of my head that 'I had weight loss SURGERY! I should be dropping 10 pounds a WEEK!!!' Like Melissa said, people like that plateau and don't lose for weeks and I have been really steady.

I got my blood test results back this morning and (I haven't gone over it with Dr Primomo-but will next week) it looks way better than I thought it would. I need to drink more. Gotta drink more. That has always been a problem area for me.

I am not having too many problems with foods. Veggies no problem, even the fibrous ones. I can feel meat however, if I don't chew it to a mash. So, I eat mostly chicken and fish if I eat meat at all. After my vomiting episode back on like day 3ish I will not touch rice.

I have had to fight some demons. They are still here. The ones that come late at night after everyone is asleep. They want me to get a bag of chips or something with pasta in it. A couple of times I gave into those demons and promptly felt like I needed to upchuck after a couple of bites. So late night eating is really becoming tied to bad things in my head and that's good!

I have only admitted this to Derek, but I might as well here. There was a day I embraced the demons and sat down in the living room and ate a huge bowl of sugar sweetened cereal and maybe some garlic bread or maybe a piece or two of pizza, or maybe even a big bowl of spaghetti left over from dinner. Yeah, that wasn't good. It was like I was a zombie doing it too. I KNEW that it was wrong and felt really horrible about it after I had indulged in my drug of choice, but it was like I had no control. It was like something inside of me screaming for it, and I had to shut it up. That thing inside is still screaming, but I do have control over it and most of the time, and can think critically about what Im about to put in my mouth. I just don't buy big bags of chips either. That helps too!! ;)

Im eating really clean and not giving in to the demons for the most part. I have gone down 2-3 sizes in clothes and that's awesome. Im getting into all the clothes I had gotten too fat for and now they are loose. I kept all of those clothes, thank goodness. As I get too small for things, I WILL be tossing the big ones or donating them. I dont ever want an easy road to come back to this weight.

Yesterday was not pretty

2015-01-07T17:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was bad. I am on the pureed foods, but apparently I cant handle rice. I had just a teensy amount with broccoli, chicken, and watered down with vegetable broth. I had about a half cup and I knew something wasn't right. this was about noon. by 4 pm, I STILL felt full and nausea was setting in. By 6 I was full on throwing up. eeeew.

The stomach pains kept on and throwing up kept on until about 11 pm. I wished to just be able to go to sleep. Sleep came, and this morning I was ok. Derek called Dr. Davis, and he said something got stuck in the pouch. eeeew.

Im back on liquid foods for a couple of days, and to tell the truth, I don't want to go back to pureed now. No way. I'll eat soup. Thanks.

Learning when to stop.

2015-01-06T14:42:00.000-06:00

I'm still doing well. I had my checkup and they put me on pureed foods, whish is pretty much anything I want to eat as long as it can be put through a blender. I am actually liking this. I didn't think I would. The big problem I am having is when to stop eating. Its almost like there is a delay in the feeling of being full and actually being full so I need to stop a little before I feel I need to absolutely do so.

This makes me worry because my doctor said I should be eating 5 meals a day... there is no way I'm doing that. Im barely getting in 3 meals of I'd say about 3/4 of a cup at a time. I am also in no way drinking enough. I need to work on this too.

Post op fun!

2015-01-04T10:20:00.000-06:00

Well, everything went smoothly and I'm still kickin!

I have been home a couple of days and I have been really sore, but not sore like sharp pain but sore like I did 100000 situps. My whole body is sore too, I have no idea why.

I'm learning (by mistake) that sugar is not my friend. It causes dizziness and just an uneasy feeling. Also I need to eat even stuff like grits slow. That was unpleasant.

I'm going to take it easy today and watch Game of Thrones. Tomorrow I will go see my Dr. and start a little bit of exercising. Maybe walk a couple of blocks to take my Mini-Me to the park. I'm going to start 3 days of cardio and 3 days of strength when I get the all clear. There's no way I can do strength right now... WAY too sore. Maybe my arms or something so I can feel like I accomplished the task :)

Anyway, I'm doing well and thats all for now!

Sh*t just got real

2014-12-30T15:24:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow's the big day!! Im on clear liquids right now, and the lack of calories is really getting to me today. Im not sure if it's the lack of calories, or that I walked 4 miles yesterday. Im wiped out and not motivated. I want to veg out and read or watch TV. There's a million things to do around my house, but hopefully I can rally some help in a bit. I have this OCD that after vacations or hospital stays or whatever, I have to come home to a clean house. Im weird like that. My Christmas tree is still up for goodness sake!! That never happens. :P

I got a call from the hospital and my surgery is at 1 pm. That's awesome, because I don't have to be there at 5:30 am like when I had my kids.

I might be able to post from the hospital, and I might not, so wish me luck!!

First Post. 2 days til surgery

2014-12-30T01:05:00.000-06:00

I'm starting this to see later on how I felt at this point in my journey. Also, maybe keep me motivated as time goes by. It might help someone out there on the internets as well, and that would be wonderful too. I'm not sure how 'out there' this blog will be, as it mainly will just be for my own use, but we shall see.

I am having a Roux en-Y surgery in 2 days. I have wanted this for some time, but put it off because of money, time, or just plain being scared. I cant say that I'm not scared now, as a myriad of things could possibly go wrong, but I feel good with this decision. It wont be an easy fix, I KNOW I have some demons to deal with and eating habits to finally break, but I am on the right track so far.

I have been on a liquid diet for the past two weeks, which included Christmas. I'm very proud of myself for lasting. I did cheat a teeny tiny bit 3 times. I ate two slivers of sausage at my mom's house, I had half a can of tuna fish chopped up, and I had a few of my daughter's little Elsa chips. Have to say, even with those hiccups I still never went over my calories or carb allowance. So we are 100% compliant there. Some people have been very supportive, and some not so much. The person who has really helped me is my super great husband, Derek. He is the best!!

I wont go into how much I weigh now, it will become apparent in time. Let's just say I have a long road ahead. 35 pounds have been shed since August 4th (I count this day when I first reached out to my doctor for help), and that's a great start, I think!

I have been overweight since the age of 4. There was a brief time in high school when I was of 'normal' weight but it was fleeting. I pretty much had a ritual of eating one meal every other day and if I didn't lose, I didn't eat. VERY unhealthy. I am clinically morbidly obese, and have been so for more than half my life, and NEVER had one problem with diabetes, high blood pressure, hurting knees, or anything you would commonly think an obese person would have to deal with. It's like I'm meant to be fat. For years I have accepted that fate. I also have always had to do a little bit extra to lose weight. I know, calories in, calories out, but I always seemed to have to exercise just a little bit more or eat just a little bit less that other people. Again, like I was meant to be fat!! Maybe I never struck that carbohydrate balance or something. It's beyond me.

On my dad's side of the family, everything pretty much revolved around food. I identify most with that side, as most of the time spent was with them. Looking back at my relatives, a definite addictive trait is in a lot of us. So, couple this with a family that values rich yummy food, a mom that cooks really well (not that it was ever her fault-she was actually a motivator towards a healthier weight), and a dad that always likes to have sweets around when you were growing up, you have a recipe for a fat kid. Boy was I fat too! There are so many things I wanted to do when I was younger but I always held back because I was afraid of not fitting into a uniform, or people making MORE fun of me. Many things I regret to this day. Food became my comfort. I was happiest at 11 pm watching TV with a sandwich or a bowl of ice cream. I KNEW I shouldn't have been doing that, but there was some weird twisted comfort that I got from this behavior. I was on a path of self destruction and it needed to stop.

I have been made fun of for my weight by strangers, friends, and even my family all my life. People don't notice you when you're fat. You have a feeling like you don't matter. This is especially true for women. The periodic sideways glances you get are hurtful and you can just feel them judging you from afar.

I want to experience more stuff with my kids too. I want to be able to travel with them and be with them at functions and not have to worry about the other parents judging me. Now, I paint this like I go places and get stared at. This isn't true, most people are very kind. One always remembers that one bad review, however. You never want to believe the good.

I want to ride roller coasters again. I want to sit in seats and have space on either side of the armrests again. I want to walk into any store at the mall and know they will have clothes I can buy that fit me. I want to be a better role model for my daughter especially, and I want BOTH my kids to be proud I'm their mom. Most of all, I want to be healthier. Not because I am afraid to die, but because my biggest fear in the entire world is leaving my children here without me.

So there are the motivators. This is why I am embarking upon this journey.