Mancave

Herpes should never be forgotten

2011-07-10T15:58:00.004-04:00

Herpes is the gift that keeps on giving, but I guess if you reach 3,000 career hits in baseball all is forgiven. Jeter has 3,000 hits after almost 11,000 plate appearances, proving that baseball is a sport of failure and who can fail the best. We celebrate this 27% success rate of Jeter despite his herpes. Fuck that. If anything we should hate this dude for making smoke shows like Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, and of course the lovely Mariah damaged goods. His passing on of herpes probably has a much higher success rate than his hitting statistics and I believe that should not be overlooked.

The Worst Actor Ever

2011-01-22T14:53:00.003-05:00

I just finished watching The Rock with Nicolas Cage and I couldn’t help but notice two things. The first was how much better it would have been with someone else playing his role, I mean it’s a good movie but that dude is a joke. He has a few good movies but the shit that he has put out a majority of his career far outweighs them. I watched The Wicker Man… that movie made me want to kill myself. His dude was supposed to play Mickey Rourke’s part in The Wrestler, thank god that the producers or whoever was behind that movie changed their minds. The thought of Nicolas “the cage match” Cage playing that role almost made me piss my pants. The second thing was there is no way this guy has any money left, and sure as shit I pulled up yahoo and the first thing it says is “Stars in Foreclosure” with a picture of Cage’s ugly face. Turns out the guy has foreclosed on two houses in New Orleans. It’s lovely there; the food alone is worth the trip. I also found out that he has like 10 homes one of which as 12 bedrooms and an island up for sale. I don’t know about you but I was stunned that Nicolas Cage has enough friends to need a house with 12 bedrooms.

-Men

Called It

2011-01-21T14:34:00.004-05:00

That’s right I call the Rangers scoring 7 goals on Wednesday night. Now am I the next Nostradamus? I don’t know, maybe I’m certainly not discounting the theory. Matter of fact if I was a betting man that’s where I would be putting a large portion of my chips if not all of them. I mean Nostradamus had like visions and shit, that kind of stuff happens to me all the time. The best part of the night besides being 100% right was my man Mats Zuccarello scored the 7^th goal. When you put this little Norwegian bastard on ice he is a combination of Elijah Wood from Lord of the Rings and Elijah Wood from Green Street Hooligans. I could not have picked a better person to score that goal. The night was not all good though the Rangers scored 7 goals. Which could only mean they shot their load all over the place and probability wont score more then one goal in any of their next 10 games.

-Men

Epic Storytellers of Our Time

2011-01-18T20:17:00.003-05:00

Has anyone sat at home and watched the HBO 24/7 series and just thought "shit that dude's voice is fucking awesome and he can be the one to tell of my trials and tribulations at my funeral", cuz I have, a lot. So much so that I have compiled a list of my favorite TV show narrators and have weighed their worthiness to narrate this rock and roll lifestyle which I live.

First off is Liev Schreiber. I bet you didn't though the dude with the epic voiceovers on HBO 24/7 was motherfucking Sabretooth in X-Men and THE Manchurian Candidate (mind-blowing movie). If I'm lucky enough maybe he can brain wash everyone with his tender voice into thinking my life was actually worth something. Now if watching "America: The Story of US" didn't give me a big enough boner, this dudes voice put me over the edge (if you catch my drift...seriously I came in my pants).

Next is the man who simply goes as Raphael, or his real name Lloyd Sherr, which totally sucks and I don't blame him for changing it to Raphael, even though that ninja turtle sucks. You may recognize his voice from the History Channel and his narration of Modern Marvels, the dude has such class that he narrates a show on Viagra and genetically-engineered penises with the same grace as he would talking about mining equipment. Straight up baller.

Finally is Morgan Freeman, epic voice but something is telling me he's not too trustworthy. Did you not see Bruce Almighty and how he played God like a dick? Only if the first two are seriously injured or have from a serious injury can Morgan Freeman narrate my life. I almost feel as if he will narrate it with the professionalism I strive so hard every day to project.

Best Text of the Week

2011-01-11T17:56:00.002-05:00

"Im at a bar by the garden for happy hour before the game. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses. Hot. Rangers vs Habs. Slaughter."

From the very talented Dylan Giebler

-Men

Jersey Fucking SHore

2011-01-06T23:02:00.002-05:00

Oh my god, it's only the first episode of Jersey Shore this season and can someone make that new bitch bite the curb already? Holy shit this chick is annoying as hell.

Mother Fucking Russia

2011-01-06T18:19:00.001-05:00

Earlier this week the Russian junior hockey team won the gold medal in the World Championships beating Canada 5-3. Afterwards was when the real party started, when they showed up at the airport for their flight out of town blackout drunk trying to get on the plane. Some observations:

1. That’s one of the coolest things I’ve ever heard

2. They are so lucky that we won the Cold War because 25 years ago that shit would not fly. Back in the 80s when Reagan was doing his thing and the great U.S. of A was taking down Mother Russia that place sucked. It was cold all the time and they wore those funny looking hats and marched in the streets with rockets and shit. That’s not baller to me. Look how cool Russia is now, they’re getting drunk and kicked off American planes and the girls are so hot that it really wouldn’t be a bad place to take your talents if you’re asking me. We all know who to thank USA, USA, USA.

-Men

Nice tits

2011-01-05T18:50:00.003-05:00

Check out this sweet picture of Cliff Lee's wife, tickle my balls anytime.

-Men

Megamillions

2011-01-04T21:01:00.002-05:00

So tonight the Megamillions lotto for $355 million goes off again. Here are some ideas for what we here would do with the money...
1. buy new suits with fashion advice from Sean Avery
2. buy the New York Islanders and move them to Puerto Rico
3. buy OJ's white Ford Bronco and drive to the Canadian border
4. buy floor seats for the Knicks and get involved in an altercation with Spike Lee throwing hot dogs at opposing players
5. buy Oakdale and demolish it
6. do something to cause a third Crusade
7. pay models to go on dates with us
8. get blackout drunk at the Victoria's Secret fashion show
9. become a booster for a top college football program and pay recruits to attain as many NCAA violations to deserve the death penalty
10. do it again at another school
11. pay Cam Newton for his Heisman trophy and give it to Reggie Bush
12. fix the World Series
13. buy a baby and flip it for a profit
14. write a book worthy of the Oprah Book Club
15. get rub and tugs
16. bring the Italian mafia back to the glory days
17. own a room specifically for glory holes
18. go to a strip club with Tiger Woods
19. bring our talents to South Beach
20. call LeBron James a mean word (you know what I'm talking about)
21. absorb a punch from LeBron James
22. buy a town and rename it Pipe City
23. trademark Pipe City
24. cure cancer....actually never mind, those are decisions best left up to the suits in Washington
25. buy Hansen a high class escort
26. buy a bar and live our lives like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
27. hire the narrator for HBO's 24/7 to commentate our lives constantly
28. find the book
29. publish the book
30. hangout with Carbone
31. find out who would actually win in a fight, Mike Ditka or Hurricane Ditka
32. find sugar mamas
33. pay for Ed's tuition to go to an SEC school

Why Does Your House Make So Much Noise?

2011-01-03T14:48:00.003-05:00

I don't get it, houses make so many random noises even when everyone in the house is asleep. I never know whats going on in the walls. I have realized there are only two times you even notice these random noises or even care about them. The first is when you are home alone in a big house trying to go to sleep. Every little noise is definitely somebody breaking in, or the house is falling down. The only other time, and probably the more severe of the two, that these noises effect you is when you are home with your entire family family asleep and you are trying to make sexy time with a special little lady, especially if you have a dog. Getting caught with your pants down by your mommy is no fun experience, believe you me. All you wanna do is have a teeny bit of consensual sex, but you are home not in your college apartment (thunder dome if you will). The trip to pipe city is a reckless and nerve racking experience due to the cock blocking noises of your home. This is of course a general post and in no way is about a specific moment in history. See you at happy hour.

-Men

People Whose Only Text Message At Midnight On New Years Eve Was Their Mom:

2011-01-03T00:14:00.003-05:00

1) Billy Sena
2) James Subin
3) Caroline Meere

Worst Jobs For Stoners

2011-01-02T21:04:00.003-05:00

1) Drug Dealer
2) Air Traffic Controller
3) Bp Oil Rig Technician
4) Buckingham Palace Guard
5) Bee Keeper
6) Princess Diana's Driver........too soon?

-Men

Bathroom attendants

2011-01-01T15:34:00.004-05:00

Without question the one thing I hate most in life is when bars have that dude in the bathroom handing out paper towels for when you wash your hands. It’s always the same dude too, this midget Mexican guy who is working seven days a week getting paid only with tips so he can bring his family to this country and get them out of that shit hole they live in. You feel so bad for this guy that you have to tip him, and I have a hard enough time tipping a bartender for making me wait 15 minutes for a beer because I don’t have tits. Why do you even need these guys? I’m 21 years old I think I know how to wash my hands without someone watching me to make sure I’m doing it right. The only real reason for these guys is to make sure you don’t have people blowing chunks all over the place, which sucks because that’s limiting your ability to get violently drunk and truly enjoy an open bar. Last night the bar I was at had one of these jabronis, now I’m not going to say what color his skin was but he was really, really lazy. Dude sat there on his phone all night like he was hot shit and too good to be there… bro you work in a fucking bathroom, it smells like shit get off your high horse and stop judging me for not tipping your broke ass it’s not my fault you didn’t make it to the NBA.

-Men

To Do List For 2011

2010-12-31T19:20:00.003-05:00

1) Cure a disease (dog herpes)
2) Teach Kreepy how to read
3) Kill Kreepy
4) Successfully pull off a switch-a-roo
5) Go to Atlantic City and walk away from the tables while I'm still up
6) Change the dead batteries in at least one of the watches that I own and yet continue to wear
7) Get a tattoo for strictly comedic reasons
8) Go on a horseback ride or go ice skating
9) Shave pubic hair
10) Write a screenplay
11) Get a job (HA)
12) Grow an inch and a half
13) Take a girl's virginity, and then give it back
14) Buy a new pair of boots ($40 limit)
15) Polish off an entire celebratory crave case with TJ after our switch-a-roo

...more to follow

-Men

Agreeing with someone from Pennsylvania? Suprisingly yes.

2010-12-28T12:02:00.004-05:00

Now don't get me wrong, I hate almost everything that comes from the state of Pennsylvania, Sidney Crosy, Cliff Lee, Michael Vick, and Philly fans but I love what the governor of Pennsylvania had to say about the Eagles Vikings game being postponed. Gov. Ed Rendell was interviewed on a local Philly station and he sounded off a bit about the game being moved.
"I think we've become wussies. ... We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything. If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."
I can't agree more with him. Since when has the NFL been concerned with the safety of the fans getting to the game? For decades there have been football games played in blizzards and horrible weather and all of a sudden this year they decide to postpone the game. Football is a man's game meant to be played in all kinds of weather, that's what makes the game great, that's why people watch. This also is a setback for the supporters of a cold weather Super Bowl and an 18 game season. If they cancel a game in late December because of snow, how are they going to play a game in February when there are thousands of travelers in the NY area for the big game? Or later in the year if they institute an 18 game season.
As a country we need to man up and stop being a bunch of pussies, this is why we're declining as a world superpower and no one takes us seriously anymore.

-Men

Fuck You...

2010-12-26T20:47:00.001-05:00

Giants.

-Men

Miracle on Hamilton Road

2010-12-25T00:00:00.002-05:00

Christmas Eve 2010 is the day my dog, Jenny, and I saved a sixty five year old woman from a frosty death. After a long night of drinking I woke up this morning to the sound of Jenny barking up a storm in the front of my house where she was tied up to a post. So I rolled out of bed to go see what was so important that Jenny could not shut up. I think it should be said that Jenny is a very very quiet dog who hardly ever barks. As I stepped outside Jenny was barking towards my neighbor’s house, this house has been vacant for a week because my neighbors moved out and the house has yet to be sold. I looked over and saw a skinny old woman hunched over sitting on the stoop to the house with grocery bags all over the front law. I ran over and asked the lady if she was OK, to which she responded that she was out for a walk and just started feeling woozy and weak. She asked me if I could drive her the rest of the way to her house. Clearly this woman was in distress, so I got my mother and we helped the old woman into our house and laid her down on the couch. We asked her exactly what she was feeling and used the Internet to determine that she might be having a heart attack. We called her an ambulance and sent her to the hospital. Some eight hours later we got a call from the woman’s husband, he thanked us and also told us that she indeed was having a heart attack and if she had taken any longer to get to the hospital she would have required open-heart surgery. Because of Jenny this woman got to go home tonight fully recovered. That my friends, is a Christmas Eve miracle.

-Men

what?

2010-12-24T23:54:00.001-05:00

i wish santa actually existed, that'd be pretty boss. imagine one dude doing that in one night. dope.

-Men

Quote of the Night

2010-12-24T15:19:00.003-05:00

Last night while at a bar our friend James "Glubin (GLoo-bin)" Subin said to a girl:

"Caitlin, you have almost 100% perfect skin."

And that is the quote of the night.

-Men

Woof.

2010-12-24T02:17:00.000-05:00

If you cant make eye contact its because you are either intimidated or smitten. You have to make eye contact, stare into their eyes. Jenny (my dog) could not make eye contact with me, so that must be the sign of a good dog. I guarantee that any dog that is considered a really “good” dog could not stare you in the eyes. Problem dogs that are aggressive and/or unruly, I believe, will stare you in the eye for expended period of time. These dogs will not listen to commands from their owners because they believe they have a higher social status than their owners. You must make eye contact because this can also be easily compared to how girls will respond to eye contact. If you don’t show eye contact and are darting your eyes all around the bar, then the girl will assume you are intimidated/smitten and she will then have the upper hand. The converse is also true. If you notice that a girl is unable to make eye contact with you for an extended period of time (2-4 seconds) she is then intimidated/smitten. Therefore, eye contact is the key.

Amar'e Stoudemire: The Hardest Nigga in the NBA

2010-12-16T16:44:00.004-05:00

Now before anyone starts going crazy about how Knick fans are counting their chickens before they hatch with the "M-V-P" chants at Garden games, think about this. The Knicks haven't finished with a winning record in almost 10 years. Before the end of October when this team really started to click, the hadn't played .500 ball in almost 2 years. There is a reason for this ridiculous turnaround, besides Gallinari forgoing gelling his hair before games now, and it's off -season acquisition Amar'e Stoudemire. The dude is crazy. I've never seen him play on a regular basis with him being out west before this, but the guy is amazing. He does everything, besides play shutdown defense (but who on the Knicks actually does that anyway), the guy will posterize an unfortunate individual on the other team on what seems like a regular basis and then sinks mid-range jumpers like a boss. I don't think I've ever seen him miss a shot from the elbow. Now we all knew he was good and in the beginning of the season the team had lost like 8 straight games and it didn't looked pretty. Then Amar'e started to put the team on his back and they're a legitimate 6th seed in the Eastern Conference. Lately Amar'e has been playing out of his mind, 9 straight 30+ points a game, including last nights 39 (almost 42) performance that personified New York basketball being back. Now we can't forget about his supporting cast. Playing 40+ minutes a game, Raymond Felton is running the offense and pick and roll with Amar'e and having a great year. I believe him and Amar'e still have the most average PPG than any other forward/point guard combination in the league. Gallinari has been playing well as of late and possibly playing himself into trade bait with the Denver Nuggets. Landry Fields is playing like a legitimate Rookie of the Year candidate and is just a sparkplug for this team. Now I'm off to go on a 3 day binge that hopefully includes me being blackout drunk watching the Knicks play the Heat tomorrow night at MSG.

-Men

PS If you don't get the title, watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P0yfq2wDvU

Why Dogs Are Better Than Cats

2010-12-16T15:13:00.002-05:00

I'm sick of people thinking cats are cool pets, I'd rather own a friggin opossum than a fucking sociopath kitty. Here is why dogs are better than cats:

1) Dogs are social: They want to be part of the party, cats just plot how to kill you in your sleep while they chill under the couch.
2) You can pet a dog: I love petting my dog vigorously, whenever I pet a cat I feel like I'm gunna break its ribs if i press too hard.
3) Dogs are people pets: Your dog will adapt to you and your lifestyle, cats make their owners adapt to them.
4) Dogs bring you what you want: Up there is a picture of my dog bringing me a 12 of bud (shes a bro) she also brings me tennis balls and ropes on request. She even skims the top of my pool when I'm trimming surrounding trees. Cats just bring mice, rats, and dead birds...wtf?
5) Dogs have variety: Is it just me or is every cat exactly the same?
6) Dogs have personality: Is it just me or is every cat exactly the same?
7) Every cat is exactly the same.
8) Dogs are smart: I've never seen a cat leading a blind dude around, or perform more adorable tricks that Hudson.
9) Dogs work for people: Lets see a cat do this. Enough Said
10) Dogs Love: No matter what you do to your dog, it will always love you. Cats are full of judgment
11) Cats ride the short bus: 95% of cats are mentally retarded.
12) Dogs Smile: Dogs are always happy, cats have a permament scowl on their smug little faces.
13) Cats are prison gay: Every male cat is gay. Especially if two male cats live together. They never see other girl cats and resort to homosexuality, they are always licking themselves and each other, spooning in the window, criticizing how i dress...so queer.
14) Cats are dirty: They are like that kid who comes to school sick and just has to touch everything. They are always walking on everything in the house and touching everything they can with their paws, dogs like the ground. Plus when was the last time a dog got stuck in a tree?
15) The most important reason why dogs are better than cats: Best case scenario, you get the smartest cat in the whole world....it still shits in your house.

-Men

The Best...AROOUNND

2010-12-16T12:29:00.004-05:00

For some odd reason I have never heard those ESPN so called experts ever even mention that the Giants have the best defensive ends in the NFL. I've heard these analysts gush all over duos like Freeney and Mathis over in Indy, and they all suck Julius Pepper's big black cock, but they never mention that the truly best defensive end pairing wears Big Blue every Sunday. Next Sunday these two beautiful monsters will be chasing Mike "Prison Showers" Vick up and down the gridiron at the New Meadowlands Stadium. The 7 on his jersey is just a huge bulls-eye for these two raging lunatics. If you're like me, when I saw Justin Tuck slow to get up last week I almost shit my pants, but the smiling and laughing by Osi afterward calmed my bowels. We truly got to see the tag team duo in action when Tuck hit Tavaris Jackson low and Osi got him high. These two guys are truly having fun playing the game and are both the leaders in the locker room, as proven by their halftime speeches. If we make it to the playoffs and beyond it is going to be because of these two men. On and off the field these two are the best. They are always enhancing their game (Osi with the run, Tuck even dropping in coverage) as well as mentoring young talent like Jason Pierre-Paul. These men are playing like the spirit of Lawrence Taylor is on their back, whose words mean more this Sunday than ever before when he said, "Hey baby, lets go out there like a bunch f crazed dogs!" (45 seconds in).

-Men

So... Sal Alosi Issss Kind Of A Dick

2010-12-12T22:26:00.004-05:00

As if the world doesn't hate the Jets enough already, they are taking cheap shots at unaware players? The Jets' strength and conditioning coach, Sal Alosi, tripped the Dolphins gunner, Nolan Carroll, on a punt return today with the camera right on him. If you were watching the game it wasn't even a question whether this was intentional or not. The dickhead stuck his knee out while standing on the sideline and tripped Nolan Carroll. The Dolphins want Alosi fired but sources say that is unlikely because of how much Rex Ryan respects and likes Alosi, HA, classic Rex Ryan douche move. Who do these Jets think they are? You know this dude is 'roided up more than Jose Canseco, being the Jets strength and conditioning coach at all, yet it's unlikely he is going to get fired? Good, lets keep him around so that the next time he gets pissed he can just knock a cheerleader out with folding chair or something. The Jets are born losers and this is hard evidence of that.

-Men

Giant Game

2010-12-12T10:47:00.003-05:00

Well the New York Football Giants will not be playing this Sunday and turns out they wont be playing in the Metrodome tomorrow. The Metrodome roof collapsed last night under the weight of the snow. Now I've dabbled in some civil engineering, and all I can ask is why would anyone want to work in place where snow can collapse a roof of something you built? It's just going to make you look like shit. These bros need to smarten up and move some place warm. As for the game just give the Giants the win and Brett Favre the start that way we don't have to waste time playing the game and everyone in attendance does not have to witness a murder.

-Men