Incredulous

Survivorfest week 8!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:46:00 +0000

Erik is blind sided by the hapless Foa Foa members!

Sorry for the delay with the blog. I was off visiting my brother in North Carolina losing little white balls in big pools of water.

Fresh from voting off Liz, Foa Foa re-examined their feebleness. Evil Russell suspected a merger is on the way. He does know this game.

Laura's voice is annoying. Not nough that you immediately hate her, but more like the 'if I have to listen to that shrill little whine for one more day...'

She was whining in rare form since someone (Shambo) forgot to bring her canteen back from the challenge. She and Shambo got into a nice fight over it, which is always fun to watch.

Erik enjoyed the show as well: "We know that Shambo is crazy..everyone knows that. If Laura's fighting with her, then who's really the crazy one?"

The two tribes got their tree mail and met on the beach with no Probst in sight. I think he was accepting the runner up award for the Nobel Peace prize.

The tribes merged! A feast ensued along with lots of girlish squealing. And Erik kept hugging Mick in a way that made me feel very uncomfotable for him.

Danger Dave and Natalie had a nice chat about the relative merits of eating hermit crabs. Dave: "These hermit crabs are great, but after 7-8 days I never want to eat another one". I halfway wonder if there's going to be a sudden and mysterious run on the little guys at the local pet store.

The new tribe names Aiga. I think it's Samoan for "agony of defeat".

Evil Russell started in on Laura. He showed her his idol and tried to take charge. "If you get me to the top seven I'll give you the idol!" He then tried to dictate how the votes should go next. Laura wasn't having anything to do with it and pretty much told Evil Russell that he was her bitch.

Predictably Evil Russell didn't appreciate this and went off with just about everyone else and tried the same routine. Laura was now on his list.

Evil Russell compared himself to Babe Ruth in that he struck out more than anyone but also had lots of home runs. Not true. Babe wasn't anywhere near the top ten in strikeouts.

His plan worked with Shambo. She now trusts him "implicitly".

The immunity challenge was a game of Survivor T-ball. Immunity would be won by one man and one woman.

Each player attempted to hit a ball into a zone set up with different points. There wasn't much baseball skill involved...if anyone hit the ball too hard the ball would fly out of the zone and they'd receive no points.

Probst asked Danger Dave is baseball was his sport: "Making love is my sport!" I wonder how one would go about getting a scholarship...

Jonathan won immunity for the men and Laura won for the women. Another Galu victory and points for people who had them!

Back at camp Erik wanted to flush the idol out from under Russell. He knew he had it because Laura ratted him out.

Erik dressed down the remaining Foa Foa tribe members and essentially told them that they were done and might as well vote as they're told and maybe they could spend a couple of more miserable days in Samoa. I think that was foolish as it left them little choice but to combine their votes.

Several of the Galu folks seemed to think the same way. Jonathan told Shambo that Erik was on the outs and she honestly said "Who's Erik?" Yup. Quite the leader, that one.

At council Erik reiterated his belief that Galu members were inferior and the Foa Foa dregs would find a way to lose.

The joke was on him as all the rest of the players with the exception of Shambo, who is eternally clueless, voted him out.

Evil Russell opted to play his idol since everyone knew he had it anyway and he wasn't sure how the vote was going to go. No one wrote down his name, but at least he played the stupid thing!

Erik went out and took his hidden idol with him like so many before him. He represents our first jury member and extra points will be awarded.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 7

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:29:00 +0000

Out of respect for Russell, there was no one voted off the previous week.

Back at camp Galu, the guys wanted to re-establish control over the tribe, now that there was an equal mix of guys and gals. Their thought was to foster a relationship with Shambo to vote off one of the girls.

Erik: "Even though she's a chick she doesn't fit in with the other girls." Later they figured the could "burn her".

Further, the guys determined that if they made Shambo the leader she would feel important and indebted.

The Galu tribe gathered around and quickly voted. Shambo was the new chief. The other women in the tribe were not happy.

Monica: "The way we voted was so stupid!" I guess she would have appreciated it more if they had used the electoral college system rather than a popular vote.

Shambo decided it was a good time to give a short victory speech. She was wrong.

At Foa Foa, the lack of a vote and seeing Russell leave early inspired them to a foolish sense of optimism.

Anyone else think that Jaison is starting to walk like an old man?

The reward challenge was a memory game where a series of small huts had various camp items that, when matched, would give the team a point. If the team opted to keep one of the matched items, they would forfeit the point.

Reward was lunch on a sail boat and one member of the winning tribe would spend time with the other tribe.

Probst noted that Shambo now wore the chief necklace. He asked her if she was surprised to have been selected.

Shambo: "Not so much." Modesty is over-rated in a leader anyway.

For her first executive decision Shambo made three curious decisions:

1. she sat herself out

2. she sat Danger Dave out

3. When she had to choose a chief to act in her place, she chose Erik only to have Dave quickly overrule her with a "No!! Brett! Brett!" Shambo: "I stand corrected"

I could see holding herself and Dave out so that they could perform better on the immunity challenge, assuming she was thinking that far ahead, but would a real Marine sergeant be happy to have one of her first decisions countermanded like that? In the Marines I think Dave would be getting treated to a couple of miles in full gear and a dinner that tasted like ass.

Laura found the first match and Brett elected to keep the firestarting material and forego the points.

Galu then went off to lead and never look back.

Shambo decided to send Laura to the other tribe and miss the boat lunch. Laura was not happy to go and I noticed that Dave didn't tell her to change her mind. Shambo's reasoning for sending her was that she wanted to keep her guys strong for the challenge and she'd already been there herself a couple of time.

Laura made fast friends with Foa Foa. They might be losers, but they're hospitable.

Evil Russell took her aside on a crab hunting trip. He claimed to be a father of twins and the son of a preacher. I wonder if any of that is remotely true.

Turns out Laura's father is a pastor. She wouldn't follow him into that job because she didn't believe that a woman's place was leading a congregation. CBS operators are standing by for your calls!

Evil Russell and Laura struck up an alliance. Evil Russell promised that she'd reach the final three with him and Natalie. Liz responded with "you're my brother of another mother!" I bet that made her pastor father feel really great.

As they were walking back to camp Evil Russell told her not to worry about the hidden idol clue because Ben had found it and left it hidden when he was voted off. Man, this guy is good!

On the sail boat the group enjoyed a sumptuous lunch of limes and gruel and then were asked to help work the riggings.

Anyone else think that Erik, with his buff covering most of his face, looked like Mort from the Bazooka Joe comics? Okay, that was a little obscure.

Danger Dave grabbed the wheel and yelled: "I feel like a pirate ready to rob some booty! A little wenching...a little grogging...a little more wenching..." I think Danger Dave is just about ready for his own late night talk show.

Back at camp Foa Foa Laura and Natalie are getting chummy. Laura shared how she and her husband liked to ride Harleys. She wanted to make sure that everyone understood that they weren't "badasses" or anything. Whew.

In the meantime Liz was getting a little ticked off that they were having a coffee klatch while she was trying to start a fire to make food and potable water.

Brett looks like he's about twelve years old.

The immunity challenge required the players to paddle a skiff out to an area where some fish-shaped puzzle pieces were attached to buoys in the water. They would have to fish out the buoys, bring the skiff back to shore and complete a puzzle.

Before they started, Probst noted that Mick wasn't wearing his chief necklace and asked why. Mick indicated that the tribe was starting to suspect that it was bad luck and decided to leave it back at camp. Yeah, I'm sure it was bad luck and not sucking at challenges that did it.

I was hoping that Probst was going to make him go and get it.

The paddling and fishing sequence was pretty lame. The only thing of interest was Danger Dave getting tired of hearing all of Shambo's "leadership". Evidently she equates leading with being loud.

At one point he said: "Shambo, if you'd be quiet that'd be great." Truthfully, when one is fishing, there's nothing worse than someone yelling "go, Dave, go!! Fish that thing out!!"

By the time they got the skiffs back to shore Jaison was more spent than a teenager's credit card limit. I think there were four forks sticking out of him. Further, it looked like he had been eating sand.

The fish puzzle seemed tougher than many of the previous ones and Foa Foa struggled. Jaison kept trying to think out loud and Liz kept shushing him.

In the end, Galu overtook them and won immunity. So much for the bad luck necklace. I was proud to see that Probst mentioned that as well.

Back at camp Foa Foa Evil Russell was starting to wonder if keeping Jaison around was a good idea. He didn't like that he quit on the challenge. I thought at this point that he would stick with his plan to get rid of Liz because Jaison, while having the potential of being a threat physically, has been a terrible player.

My reasons:

1. He hasn't won much of anything, so he's no Ozzie or James type of threat
2. He's way too honest...he couldn't even stand to be around Ben when voting him off clearly was not their best plan.
3. When he was alone with Liz at camp he spent all of his time moaning about how much he sucked at the challenge and how embarrassed he was. After a poor performance like that you should be strategizing and trying to work the angles, not crying about how bad you've done.

CBS made a big show of making it look like the rest of the tribe wanted to oust Jaison and keep Liz, but since that's all the footage they showed it seemed clear that it was an obvious red herring.

At council Probst was tough on them "There's no sense rehashing your failures...You're one of the worst tribes in Survivor history!"

Actually, I'd like to dispute that. They actually won a reward challenge, they were ahead in several challenges and competed in virtually all of them. I can remember a few seasons where teams practically lost within the first minute of every challenge.

I think Evil Russell is looking less and less crazy the past couple of weeks. I wonder why that is.

Jaison took a lot of the blame for the losses on himself at tribal council. Another reason why I don't think he'll last too long. Too easy to remove and too sympathetic for people to want him to stick around to the final four.

Indeed, Liz was voted out.

Her family moment was odd. Only one person was on the video, not sure if he was a husband, fiancee or brother. He said "We're proud of you win or lose...but if you win, half sounds about right!"

Maybe it was her lawyer.

Tribes merge next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest - week 6!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 10:49:00 +0000

Russell S passes out of the game!

Just after voting yet another tribe member off, Foa Foa returned to a cold and wet camp. The non-stop rain and lack of shelter had obviously begun to take a significant toll on our remaining castaways. The only person who seemed comfortable was Evil Russell.

I'm not clear if it was the old adage that misery loves company or if it was that significant layer of belly fat that was keeping him warm and happy. I could go either way.

Evil Russell chimed in with a nice Survivor Hall of Fame Quote: "If you don't throw up after every challenge you're not doing your job!" I'm going to try that at work. New software release successfully deployed? Check. Applications up and running? Check. Mass amounts of vomit? Check. Who's got clean up duties this week?

Jaison was definitely not coping well. It may have had something to do with the way his hands and feet looked like they were going to fall off. At one point Evil Russell brought him to the water to warm up and he just started laughing hysterically. I'm starting to wonder if he's going to be able to stick things out if the Foa Foa fortunes don't change soon.

Mick wedged himself into the crook of a tree to keep himself warmish and somewhat dry. He also appeared close to the breaking point.

I think it would be interesting to have Probst come to camp bearing a warm robe, slippers and a small tarp and see if anyone wanted to drop out. No? Maybe you'd like to drop out if I offered up some...hamburgers and beer! A massage with chocolate chip cookies?

Back at camp Galu, the tribe continued to lament Russell S's earlier decision to eschew tarps for blankets and pillows. Russell seemed intent on making up for it by working hard at keeping a fire going through the consistent rains.

He kept alluding to being cold, yet he spent most of his time without a shirt. Put on a damned shirt if you're cold! Even if it's wet it should provide some amount of insulating layer. Or throw on some palm leaves or something.

The rain ended and spirits started to rise. IQs stayed in the basement, however. Russell S: "Loooook! There's blue sky out there! And rainbows". That should have been the first sign that something wasn’t quite right with ol’ Russell.

The reward for today's challenge? Piping hot pizza! The rewards challenge was to strap one tribe member into a sphere and have two blind-folded members push him/her around a path to a tabletop maze where the person in the sphere would guide the blind-folded members into...ah, nevermind. It never got that far.

Foa Foa took a modest lead with the ball rolling when Galu got caught up against a tree. When Galu made it to the tabletop maze, Russell S. had started to show signs of exhaustion. With some coaxing he made it to the table where he promptly passed out.

He lay slumped over his corner for quite some time before people started wondering what he was doing. The blindfold didn't help, since you couldn't see any of his face.

Probst called a halt to the game and brought in the medical staff.

To say Russell was out of it would be like saying Kanye West was out of the running for president of the Taylor Swift fan club. He lay down with his eyes rolled back.

Eventually he started speaking, but he clearly wasn't rowing with all oars. I'm pretty sure he said something like this in a very small voice: "I had a dream about a wicked man who took all my clothes and made me hungry...and you were there...and you were there..."

Probst called off the challenge. There would be no piping hot pizza for the winning tribe. The cameramen rejoiced! The pizza would not go to waste. Both tribes, however, would have a date at tribal council that night to vote someone off.

After a while he started to become a little more lucid...until they tried to get him to sit up again. He promptly went la-la again, becoming completely unresponsive.

The medical tech said "his blood pressure is even lower than Mike's was". Well, Russ, at least you won at something.

Probst tried to explain to Russ that he was finished with the game and would be sent home. Russell tried to argue, but it just became pitiful. "You don't want it to end this way, do you?" I'm not sure if he was talking to Probst or himself at that point.

They removed the fork from him, pulled him onto a stretcher and took him away.

People who had Russell S. earned five points for his exciting, albeit early, exit.

Back at Foa Foa, the tribe was concerned about Russell but also upset that the challenge was cancelled. Since they had a lead at that point they were sure that the pizza was all theirs. I wonder if they remember any of the other challenges where they started out with a lead and then choked on it like Ashley on a sea-slug smoothie...

Liz and Natalie could read the writing on the wall. One of them was going home that night and both of them planned to pack their things for tribal council.

Evil Russell took Nat aside and told her to stay focused and that he was doing his best to swing things so that she stayed and Liz went home. Like him or hate him, he's doing a great job at this game. By doing virtually nothing, he's currying favor with another tribe mate and making it look like a lot of work.

Back at Galu, Shambo tracked down the other three girls of the tribe. They had been deciding to vote her off next. Shambo asked what their thoughts were about the vote that night.

The response: "Um....we're not really sure yet." Those of you familiar with my blog will remember this as the #1 sign that your head is next on the chopping block. Right there along with "Gee, we have a tribal council tonight?" and "make sure to say 'hi' to Fred for me back at the resort...ah, I mean, if you happen to get voted off tonight."

Shambo was on to it, but then fell into the "after all I've done for you" routine where she ticks off how many fires she's made and how much food and firewood she's gathered. At this point, if they're willing to oust you, you're well past the point of talking them out of it based on your merits. If you can't appeal to their sense of self-preservation, you don't have a shot.

The rest of the Galu gang, the guys, had decided on their own that Monica needed to go. They needed just one more vote to get it through and Shambo was more than willing to go along with it.

Just another reason why you should never be upfront with someone that you're about to vote off. It leaves them no option but to find someone else who'd like to screw you. Had the other Galu gals tried to convince her that they were going after someone else, she might have stuck with them.

The guys didn't want to lose the secret by bringing in Shambo, but they had to make sure that they had her vote. This is, after all, the person who blabbed the entire contents of the hidden idol clue to everyone at camp. They had the most transparent hypothetical conversation about it:

Erik: "Shambo, if I were you I think you should vote for the same person you voted for last time."

Shambo: "If you were Erik, which person would you be voting for?"

Erik (who, ironically, is Erik): "Um...maybe the same person you voted for last time."

Shambo: "What about you, Jon...if you were Jon, who would you vote for?"

Jon (also Jon): "Um...maybe I might...look, vote Monica, okay, you idiot!"

Of their concern about the news leaking to the other girls: "Shambo, this needs to be kept between us, so you gotta lock it up, all right?"

Shambo: "No worries!" and offered a fist bump to her new partner in the sight of God and everyone.

Erik: "Pounding fists is not 'locking it up'!"

At tribal council, both teams were there. Quite a crowd. I think most were really happy to have shelter and a warm fire. CBS must let them clean up for council, because none of them looked drenched or especially muddy.

Probst gave an update on poor Russell. He was not coming back. He described the incident as "the single scariest moment I've ever had on the show." Survivorfest player Kate would like to ask if anyone else thought that he looked particularly gleeful about this turn of events. He can hear those Nielsen ratings jingle (or whatever it is that Nielsen ratings do).

Erik was asked about his time on the show. He started babbling about how he spent a lot of time praying to God, Samoa or to the island. I think he got confused and thought he was John Locke on Lost.

Probst then asked Danger Dave about his experiences so far. Dave confided that Survivor was the hardest thing he'd ever done...and he'd a lot of hard things. I swear that if they had given him a moment or Probst had bothered to ask that we would have gotten a Coach story about how he was captured in the Amazon by pygmies or something.

Alas, Jeff moved on to the business at hand. In light of the injury and subsequent removal of Russell from the game, there would be no double-elimination this week!

See you next week for more action on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest - week 5!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 11:38:00 +0000

Ashley and her nose piercing get the boot!

At the previous tribal council, no one bothered to tell Shambo the plan and she was one of the odd men out in casting a vote for Monica. Monica knows and has her "in her sites".

Erik is angry at the ocean...I guess because it gets him wet and stuff.

Tree mail for the tribes indicated an upcoming food challenge.

Liz: "It'll maybe like be stuff from the ocean!" She went on to start guessing as to who would struggle with the challenge. "Who do you think is the pickiest eater here?" Not Evil Russell, clearly. She decided that Ashley would have the toughest time.

Anyone else notice Evil Russell's weird beard spots? He has three bald spots on the neck portion of his beard...they're like bowling ball holes.

At the reward challenge, the nasty food awaited...and it seemed covered with flies. Nice touch. I wonder how much research CBS does on the digestive damage that things like sea slug intestines can do. Can you have an allergic reaction? How in the world would you know?

Survivor medical clearance form:

Please list any food allergies that may apply:

__ bird embryos
__ sea slug intestines
__ monkey urine
__ swine semen

The winner of the challenge stood to gain a barbeque feast! I can't help but wonder how long that uncooked meat sat out before, during and after the challenge. Mmmmmmm, triganosis!

The first pair was Shambo and Jaison. Shambo quaffed hers down like a true soldier. Jaison had a little case of the yacks, but managed to put it down.

The two Russells went at it next. Russell H finished his first, with Evil Russell taking a little more time.

Brett and Mick went next. Mick popped his down. Brett looked like he was getting a case of the gooks, but finished it off with style, licking the inside of his glass.

Monica and Liz slurped theirs down. I think that clip would make it into the Survivor fetish hall of fame. You know there are some oddballs out there that loooooove this stuff.

Ashley and Danger Dave went next. Dave polished his off, adding some extra sound effects, I assume for Ashley's benefit. Ashley got most of the way through her glass and then was down to the chunky bits at the bottom. She looked like she was trying to choke herself. She couldn't finish, costing Foa Foa a chance at a picnic.

You know her tribe had to be peeved after putting down all of that mess only to have her fail at a challenge that didn't have a time limit. You'd think she could've gotten it down eventually, wouldn't you?

As the winning tribe, Galu had to send a member to Foa Foa for the day and skip the BBQ. Russell decided to send Shambo. She was not pleased.

"I need my protein!" I'm pretty sure those seas slug intestines had plenty of that!

Russell muttered that she needed to pay for losing a chicken, and that was the price.

Back at Foa Foa, Shambo got some sympathy from her new pals and called for a group hug. Which she got. Even Evil Russell did it. Although in retrospect I think he may have been copping a feel.

Natalie gave Ashley a lot of sympathy. She was pretty nice considering her poor effort. Everyone else didn't seem as forgiving.

Back at Galu, the tribe couldn't seem to get the fire started to begin grilling their reward.

Dave got irritable and started sniping with Russell about it. He didn't want to help unless Russell "asked" him to. Eventually he realized he was causing a scene and apologized and began helping with the fire. A few minutes later, it was blazing.

Dave: "Evidently I'm the only one here who can make fire. I'm trying to downplay my awesomeness." I do that a lot, too. It's hard having awesomeness.

Back at Foa Foa, Shambo continued her blabbery ways and read off the hidden idol clues to the entire camp.

They found the right tree, but it was empty due to Evil Russell's early detective work. Most of the tribe suspected that Ben had found it and had taken it with him when he was voted off.

Liz suspected that Evil Russell had it and even told him so.

As true liars often do, Evil Russell was furious that someone would accuse him of...well, lying. He warned Liz that she was getting on his bad side. "Do you wanna go next?"

The weather began to turn really nasty. Galu finally began to regret their earlier challenge decision about taking blankets and pillow in favor of tent and tarp supplies. How's your Hello Kitty comforter working out for you now?

I can't decide if Danger Dave is starting to look like Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull or a cast reject from Deliverance.

The previous night was cold and very wet. Everyone looked particularly miserable as they lined up for the challenge.

This one was well selected. Nothing better than a strength/endurance challenge after a hard night of cold, rainy weather!

The challenge was for four individuals (two from each tribe) to hold a rope tied to a basket that four other tribe members would toss coconuts at. Each coconut would add weight to the basket until only one tribe remained.

Evil Russell and Liz held ropes for Foa Foa while Russell and someone else held for Galu.

Galu took an early lead on getting the coconuts in the baskets. Jonathan was hitting them like crazy. Jaison started shooting like a point guard, without much success. After a while everyone realized that the two hand toss worked better and the baskets started to fill.

The steady rain turned into a downpour.

Evil Russell dropped out first. He made a good effort, but the other tribe had dropped in too many coconuts. Liz held out longer, but eventually she caved as well.

Of note, Ashley was completely useless.

Back at camp, Foa Foa was stuck under their shelter in the torrential rains. There was no opportunity to talk strategy or weasel around. They decided to make their own decisions for who would be voted off at council that evening.

Jaison was miserable. The dude looked like a leper. Hands and feet all bleached and pruney. His extremeties looked a bit like Carol Channing's. Seems like everyone had similar problems judging by the way they held their hands out like they wanted nothing more but for them to dry out.

At camp, everyone seemed to be happy to be under shelter and by a warm fire. Possibly one of the few times when being at council provided a small advantage. At least they got to dry out.

Probst didn't have a lot to work with at council which confirms my suspicions that he watches the camp interviews before council to try to rile things up. He mostly asked about who trusted whom. Turns out everyone trusts everyone. How unfortunate.

The vote was a landslide, with Ashley getting eliminated. I noted that even her bestest pal, Natalie, wrote down her name. I guess when it's time to go, everyone knows it.

Odd Sears-sponsored "family moment" for Ashley. Her parents and their pair of lapdogs. Not sure what that was about. "We're proud of you, Ash! And so are Sweetums and Snookies!"

Next week, another challenge and another medical event! Who could it be!?!

Find out next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 4!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 10:50:00 +0000

Yasmin has been evicted!

After voting Ben off at council the night before, Jaison seems to have a tough time letting things go. He still fumed about Ben: "I can't stand people who use terms and phrases meant to hurt on a very basic level. Coming here was the worst decision of my life!"

So, the prospect of getting tossed onto a remote tropical location with twenty strangers from all walks of life who wish to star in a reality TV show didn't provide a hint that you might have to deal with an occasional ass or two?

Shambo returned from Foa Foa where she felt she had created "a following". She still groused about the lack of productive camp work at Galu and seemed to look forward to the tribes merging. She seemed to be working under the assumption that Foa Foa would have anyone left after losing all challenges to date.

Erik took Shambo aside with the intent of drilling her for information on the hidden immunity idol for which she must certainly have received a clue. He seemed to be getting somewhere when John came along and butted in and started asking the same questions. Stupid meddling rocket scientists!

Well, Shambo wasn't shy about telling them all she knew. She blabbed everything.

"Sharing knowledge can only help me going forward...Or maybe it could hurt me." Way to think that one out, Shambo.

Tree mail came and the leaders were to choose two people to accompany them to some type of event. Mick took Evil Russell and Natalie, Russell took Danger Dave and Shambo. Evidently he wanted brains and firepower. I'm not sure which he thought was which.

Anyone else think that Danger Dave has an uncanny resemblance to Kevin Spacey? It's starting to get distracting. I am beginning to believe that he has actually entered Survivor to work on his "method" acting to train for an upcoming role as a sociopath deserted on a tropical island. You heard it here first.

Updated Survivor celebrity look-a-like page: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivor_celebrity.htm

The six players met in a large ring in a clearing. And sort of stared at each other for a while. Probst was a no-show, so they really didn't know what to do.

On one side of the ring was a chest, on another was a crate of chickens. Naturally Shambo went straight for the chickens.

When they opened the chest they found instructions for a sort of bocce ball challenge. Closest ball to the wicket would get to bring the egg-layers back to camp.

I suspect that Probst was absent because he was accepting his Nobel Prize award in Stockholm. Seriously, couldn't they find someone else to fill in? Maybe Jonathan from the past couple seasons. I don't think he has much work since Down Periscope 2 - Back in Hot Water fell through.

Shambo put the chickens back in the pen and they started the game. Foa Foa took a quick lead and had the wicket circled with their balls. It came down to one last toss for Danger Dave. He nailed it, dropping his ball right on the wicket. Chickens and eggs for Galu!

Curiously, that was the dying phrase uttered by Mahila Sur, the mad prince of Toga in 1823. See, history does repeat itself!

Foa was quite discouraged by the sudden loss. Particularly since they were celebrating pretty prematurely. Mick put it succinctly: "we can't even pull off frickin' bocce ball!"

Back at Galu, while his tribemates were winning little nuggets of cholesterol, Erik was searching feverishly for a hidden idol. And he soon found it!

"I knew it was in this tree! Yes!!" Hmm. If that's the case, why did you look around the rest of camp for the past hour?

Danger Dave played it cool when he returned to camp. He wanted to stay centered even though he was thinking "I won chicken today, what did you do? Nothing! Peace!"

I think he's a couple of weeks away from starting up his own colony of half men/half animals.

At Foa Foa, Evil Russell decided to refine his alliance with Natalie. He felt he needed a tighter bind after Ben was voted off and he was losing faith in Jaison's will to stay in the game.

He insisted he was going to take Natalie to the final two with him. She could rest easy with that knowledge and "ride him like a horse". Yeah, I think I threw up a little in my mouth as well.

Natalie is buying it all: "I'm kind of like a wing man you might say." I wouldn't have gone with that phrase. Nope. More like a meat sandwich, where two escaped Gulag refugees take a weaker third person with them so they don't starve in the Siberian wasteland.

Catastrophe at Galu! One of the chickens managed to outsmart Shambo and escaped!

"Escaped chicken!! 911!" You'd think after being in the Marine's that Shambo would have some cooler phrases to blurt out.

Erik tried to help corral the chicken, hoping to accidentally kill it so he could eat it. In his haste he was clotheslined, ironically, by the clothesline.

The chicken managed to find safety in a nearby tree. Shambo: "I didn't know they could frickin' fly!"

Russell: "You a country girl! How could you not think that something with wings could fly!?!"

Back at Galu, Yasmin watched while Kelly chopped at a coconut. "Watching you is making me sleepy."

My wife asked "Isn't Yaz a birth control pill?" Probably not relevant, but worth mentioning.

The challenge was a net run with players carrying blocks. The blocks would be stacked in a column, then the players could continue over a rope bridge where they would make another block column. First to finish would win immunity.

Galu finished stacking their column slightly before Foa Foa. Foa got screwed as Probst finished Galu's count to five to verify that the tower would remain standing, and then started Foa's count late.

Nevertheless, Foa managed to catch up marginally on the rope bridge when Monica decided to take a little break part way over. They used this break to their advantage and managed to complete their tower first, winning the first immunity for Foa Foa!

Monica muttered: "Gotta keep our head held high!" Well, after that rope bridge performance, I don't think you should be tired...

Back at Galu, the tribe finally have to decide who to vote off.

The leaders to be cast off seem to be:

Shambo: "Shambo's colossal screwups are a shot to the team's morale. She lost a chicken!"
Yasmin: She does nothing at camp
Monica: She totally sucked in that challenge.

Russell is insistent on removing Monica. He believed they need to concentrate on challenges and Yasmin has been a decent player. In theory. I haven't really seen it.

I think the majority of the camp wanted to keep Monica, however. No one said anything in particular, but I think they're worried about voting off too many hot chicks this early in the season. Plus Yasmin does nothing at camp.

Russell: "These people are gonna listen to me or there's gonna be some serious ass kickin'!"

At council, Yasmin wore dress shoes with heels so that she would look fine for Jeff. Nice touch.

Yas was asked about her lack of work ethic at camp. She had the nerve to be offended: "I haven't been working? I can't believe you're bringing this up now! All you had to do was ask!"

She reiterated her awesomeness in challenges. I find it amusing how everyone thinks they bring so much to a team event...that they lost.

Monica, when asked about her role in sucking at the day's challenge, thought she started slowly, but then did just fine. I wonder what challenge she was thinking of.

The voted came in and Yas was cast out in a landslide. As she was walking off of the platform she nearly fell off of her fancy heels. Good stuff, and perhaps something of a metaphor. Whatever that is.

Shockingly, Russell changed his mind and also voted for her. I wonder how that came about?

I guess we'll find out next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 3

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 11:13:00 +0000

Ben is free to go home and wonder why no one confused him for J.T.

After the evening's tribal council it appeared Mick and Jaison were having some regrets about ditching Betsy. The more Jaison thought about it, the more he was offended by Ben's rants toward Yasmin.

Evil Russell is grouchy because no one else in camp seems to be strategizing other than him. I think he feels a bit like his talents are being wasted.

Case in point, his discussion with Natalie, where he began asking her about her thoughts on the next challenge, who she'd like to see voted off next when they lose said challenge, etc. He was disappointed when she seemed dazed and confused..."Um, like....is today Tuesday? We have a challenge today?" Some people were not meant to go deep into this game.

Speaking of Natalie, did anyone else think that, with her hair up, she looked like Wilma Flintstone?

According to Evil Russell's bio sheet (which may or may not be accurate) he is married. Anyone else wonder what his wife looks like? I suspect it's either some young, smoking hot, mysterious Asian girl or his female twin. I'm hopeful that he sticks around long enough for a "loved ones" session so we can put that question to rest.

Evidently Ben is the only one at Fao Fao who can make fire. And he's more than happy to explain that. I thought it was kind of funny when he told Liz that girls couldn't make fire because their hands weren't strong enough to strike the flint right. Seriously...don't even try.

I did appreciate a little inside Survivor info compliments of Ben: "Did you poop yet? I finally went last night! It was like the biggest poop of my life!" I think he was actually looking for a high five. Anyone else here ever get high-fived over poop? After the age of three, of course.

On Galu, the tribe seemed to be taking things in stride. Laura led a group of them in yoga, much to Shambo's irritation. "Screw yoga, man!" makes it into the Survivorfest hall of fame for quotes.

Anyone else think that Erik was dressed like a 1980's flashdancer? Seriously, dude, the low rise briefs and the thigh-high socks? Not a good look.

Back at Fao Fao, Evil Russell decided to get started on his next plan, and told Ben that Ashley was out to get him. Ben promptly went over to Ashley and confronted her on why she wrote his name down the night before.

Ashley "how did you know?"
Ben "It wasn't Russell and I'm not gonna tell you!"

Hmm. That was a pretty amazing piece of deception there, Ben. Fortunately Ashley doesn't seem to be the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The pre-challenge tree mail came with a nice treat for the viewers. Custom-cut, designer made bikinis! But only for the remaining hotties, evidently. Probably just as well. The thought of Evil Russell in a Speedo gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Several of the Galu girls did a little fashion walk with their new suits. I think they were auditioning for a future Playboy spread "the Girls of Survivor!". How is it possible that this hasn't been done yet?

The challenge for this week was a run through the surf past a defender to reach a crate. The crate would be dragged back to shore and assembled with other crates retrieved by other teams of players. These crates would be stacked to form a set where only one color of each set could face each side.

Probst warned the contestants that this challenge "would be physical!".

Turned out to be pretty lame, really. I think the contestants were given a stern talking to about behaving themselves after the last sordid challenge. Most of the activity was around holding people, dragging them past the "safe zone" line and, of course, pulling tops off.

The only point of interest for me was at one point it looked like a couple of the guys were going to drown Mick. I wonder if that would have been against the rules.

I did enjoy watching Laura avoid Ashley by splashing her with water. It was like the scene from "the Naked Gun" where Leslie Nielsen/Frank Drebin has a pillow thrown in his face and he's all "Aarrggghhhh!!!"

Russell S didn't seem very effective as a defender. They seemed to just race right by him.

Galu went on to another decisive victory. No one seemed to notice Evil Russell's sly smile. I think his horns are starting to show.

As leader of Galu, Russell was given the choice of a comfort reward (blankets and pillows) or functional reward (fire, tent stuff, etc.). He made the decision to go with comfort.

"I'm a function guy, but I think this is a comfort group." He also related to the camera that he wanted to keep the girls happy. Well, that should provide for some nice, comfortable mats for their yoga parties.

In case anyone was wondering, Fao Fao is Samoan for "loser". I looked it up.

Russell also elected to send Shambo over to Fao Fao for the night. She made an immediately positive impression, unlike Yasmin who practically instigated a race riot.

Turns out Galu calls Mick "McDreamy". I will now add that information to the list of things I could have happily died without knowing. Other items on that list? Six of the eleven secret KFC herbs and spices, Franklin D Roosevelt's full middle name and the reason behind the popularity of Twitter. But that stuff is best left for another blog.

Shambo also got the clue for the hidden idol that was in Evil Russell's possession. She began looking in earnest. She seemed to find the right tree, but had no way of knowing that the idol was now missing. She was determined, though. I think the only thing sticking out from under that tree was her feet. Kinda wondered what everyone else at camp thought she was doing, particularly since she continued to have a conversation with them as she was digging.

At Galu, Russell tried to explain his decision on the comfort reward. "I have a wife and kids, but they're not here...right now you guys are part of my women." Unfortunately he didn't seem to be talking to just the women. Erik, what do you think? Are you Russell's new biotch?

Back at Fao Fao, Mick does the whole "I'll be straight and never lie to you" thing with Evil Russell. To help seal the dead, ER showed Mick his immunity idol. I am still convinced that he just likes showing it to people because he needs to be told how clever he is. I will be surprised if he doesn't show a new person each week moving forward.

ER: "I was born for this! This is what God made me for!" I was willing to bet it that he was made to be a walking advertisement for birth control, but what do I know?

Jaison has decided that he's had all he can stand of Ben. Either Ben goes or he does.

This put a crimp in ER's plan to rid the camp of Ashley. Jaison indicated that he was going to lay into Ben at council that night and if they didn't want to vote Ben off, they would have to deal with what that meant at camp the next day.

True to his word, Jaison got into it with Ben at tribal council that night.

Jaison is too nice and well-spoken to have had much of an impact, however. After Ben reiterated that Yasmin was ghetto trash ("she's from the ghetto and she's trash!") The best he could come up with was something like "Okay, you...southern gentleman...you might like NASCAR and women with lower back tattoos!"

My favorite part was when Jaison lectured him about speaking so poorly to a lady, to which Ben replied "That bitch ain't no lady!" CBS's operators are standing by to hear your complaints!

The vote was attended to. I was surprised how neat Ben's handwriting was. You know...for a racist hick.

Ben was voted out in a landslide.

I was a little surprised that he didn't have some choice parting words for his tribe as he left. Maybe he did and CBS just cut them.

About his early departure "They're all a bunch of sissies, except Russell! They're gonna starve without me!"

Guess we'll find out next week on....Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 2!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:29:00 +0000

Betsy is put in lockdown!

Back at Fao Fao, Evil Russell was patting himself on the back for ridding Samoa of the ever-dangerous Marisa. "She was a strong woman! I can't have that!" Russell seems like one of these guys who will go on and on about how stupid, worthless, lazy, etc. a person is until they get voted off. Then he will explain, at length, about how impressive he is to have rid himself of such a clever, sly and dangerous opponent.

He took Betsy aside and chastised her because she didn't trust him. Clearly she still didn't and they agreed to continue not trusting each other.

Mick hit the shore wearing some very strange boxers. Yellow with red accents maybe...it looked like he was wearing a dress or bloomers. Very strange.

Back at Galu, Yasmin wonders aloud why everyone else seemed to be weathering the beach better than her. "Why do I look so bad?" to which Dave replied "'Cause you funky, baby!" I don't know what that means, but it sounded funny.

Davis is starting to remind me of Kevin Spacey.

It sounds to me like Yasmin is ready to go home. She spent an inordinate amount of time whining about living outdoors. She did drop a Survivorfest hall of fame quote on us: "People said if you can survive in Detroit you can survive anywhere...I'll tell you this: The hood is not the wood!"

Jaison took Evil Russell aside to try to understand him better. They ended up in (yet another) secret alliance. Evil Russell seemed happy to be paired with Jaison at that point. We'll see how long it lasts.

Say what you will about Evil Russell, but he appears to be a game changer. Back at camp he immediately began looking for a hidden immunity idol. And damned if he didn't find one!

I think this has to set some sort of high mark, since there were plenty of people, given one or more clues, who were unable to find a hidden idol. Evil Russell pulled one out just by looking around.

I suspect future seasons of Survivor will see better-hidden immunity idols.

For those keeping score at home, Evil Russell gets 5 points for finding a hidden immunity idol (even though he wasn't really supposed to).

He was actually being watched by most of the tribe when he found the thing, but managed to hide it in his underwear. My oldest: "Yuck! I don't wanna touch that!" Hopefully Probst will use gloves.

Evil Russell took Jaison off to show him what he had found. I suspect it wasn't so much wanting to maintain the strategy or complete his alliance with Jaison as Evil Russell indicated...I think he just wanted to brag to someone that he found it.

I can't wait to see what ERuss does when he's eventually and inevitably voted off. The over/under is at flipping everyone off and the line is increasing weekly.

The challenge was a battle royal where groups of players fight to gain possession of three balls to toss to their companions to shoot at a hoop.

When they read about this in tree mail Mike was pumped!

"I'm a mean motor scooter and a bad go-getter! I'm gonna go downtown to China town!" I hereby rename Mike as Mr. Cliche.

The tribes did a great job of applying war paint for the challenge. It almost looked like they had help from make-up artists as opposed to the kindergarten scrawls they usually end up with.

The game started with three men vs. three men. Erik went nuts. I think he took a piece out of everybody. Good thing Mick is a doctor. He might be wishing he took dentistry after one hit.

Shambo clocked Liz in the head! Probst: "Easy on the face!" No one wants to watch a reality TV show starring twenty elephant people. Well, maybe they do. I need to send that one in to CBS.

Probst actually had to warn the contestants after the first rounds that the gameplay was getting too rough. No chokeholds or head butts! But pulling off someone's top is still okay...just makes for good reality TV!

During the next match Ben, sporting a peculiar pair of yellow boxer-briefs, tripped good Russell. This earned him banishment from the game for the first time in Survivor history.

Galu ended up winning the competition, but it paled in comparison to the sheer brutality of the match. Those folks were really going after each other. I guarantee you we will not see this game in a future Survivor season.

Probst asked Ben what he thought about being kicked out of the game. His reply? "Outlaw, baby!"

Galu got fishing supplies as their reward. The twist was that they had to choose one of their tribe to join Fao Fao for a day to hang out with them. They chose Yasmin.

She got a clue to take with her and she stood by the rest of the Fao Fao tribe. I couldn't help but notice Evil Russell checking her out, top to bottom. Seriously, anyone who doesn't find this guy creepy should quit walking through parking lots alone at night.

After the challenge, Mike (aka Mr. Cliche) wasn't well. Medical came in and found his blood pressure to be 80/60. After a hard physical challenge, that isn't right. Predictably, he soon passed out.

Medical staff's recommendation: Mike was done for the game. He was evacuated to a hospital.

Yasmin was crying like a baby, which is funny because she doesn't even belong to that tribe. Not to miss an opportunity to expound, Mike declared "It stinks ta have to leave the game, but dose guys never got me down in da pit!" Well except the one part where Erik dislodged your spleen with his shoulder.

For those keeping score at home, Mike gets 5 points for being a medical reject. He also is considered as the second person out of the game, should a loveable loser tie breaker be necessary.

Back at Galu, Shambo insisted on spear fishing with the new equipment. Unfortunately the water turned out to be murky and she didn't have any luck. In fact, she not only caught any fish, but she spent time floating around instead and managed to lose the mouthpiece for the snorkel.

Not an auspicious start.

At Fao Fao, Yasmin made an immediate impression. She stepped up, called everyone's attention and declared that she was a professional hairstylist, she was there to help them because they really sucked as a tribe and it wouldn't be fun to run over them in every single challenge. The woman didn't stop talking for twenty minutes. She had diarrhea of the mouth.

Evil Russell now hates her with every fiber of his being.

Yasmin took Ben aside and chastised him about a shot he took at her during the challenge. "You tackled me like a dude! That was disrespectful!"

Ben took exception to her rebuke and laid into her when he could get a word in edgewise. Some of the better zingers:

Listen to me, grammar school...
you smell bad
you're pretty close to being a hooker!
you're ghetto trash
Go make yourself a ketchup sandwich and some Kool-Aid!

Wow. I really have nothing to add to that. Hah. Of course I do. Talk about the wastecan calling the dumpster "trash".

Ben was so geared up that he spent most of the night keeping people up with his firemaking and wood chopping. He wore his buff in a way that made him look like Aunt Jemimah.

Betsy determined that she was definitely in danger of going home since she was evidently "old".

She chatted with the two blondes to try to get them to change their minds.

"You can't trust Russell! Use your women's intuition!"

One of the girls said "Yeah! Um, what?"
The other said "oh, that's okay, my daddy paid for college."

The bell tolls for thee, Betsy.

At tribal council Jeff managed, with little effort, to get Yasmin and Ben fighting again. She was eventually asked to leave so the tribe could vote Betsy off. She glared at Ben as she departed. This isn't over. I only hope Yasmin can last long enough for the tribes to merge. The over/under on that is "doubtful".

While voting, Betsy sang the COPS theme song to herself "bad boys, bad boys...whatcha gonna do...?"

Ben went with a little somethin' somethin' from Ice T's Cop Killer. "You're a bad cop...this one's for you! Pow!" (mimicked popping a cap in her head).

Somewhere in the Black Rock building at the corner of West Second St and Sixth Ave, NY City, CBS's complaint line lit up like the Fourth of July.

Betsy was voted out in a landslide. Evil Russell continues to roll and the Fao Fao tribe grows, if not weaker, more foolish each week.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 5 week 1!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Local gal Marisa falls victim to Evil Russell.

The new season of Survivorfest is off with a bang!

Initial thoughts on a couple of our contestants:

Shannon goes by the nickname "Shambo" because she was in the armed forces and wore a bandana when the movie "First Blood" came out. Plus she has a "power mullet" and when you make personal choices like that, at the very least you should get to choose your own nicknames. I really wonder how she got out of the Marines with that hair-do.

I'm told that Russell S looks like the vampire Laurent from the movie Twilight: http://tinyurl.com/kj3y8s

Betsy seems like a better cop than "Officer friendly" would lead one to believe.

Russell S sounds like Cleveland from the Family Guy. I can almost hear him say "Pete-uh...why would you eat all the tribe's bananas?"

Russell H is completely evil in all respects. He is totally my favorite from a completely game-specific point of view. If I had to deal with him in person I would probably start quietly digging a shallow grave on the beach.

Each team came ashore and was immediately told to vote on a leader. This would be the "paint a target on my back" challenge.

Russell S was voted the leader of the tribe Galu. I think it was his dreadlocks.

Mick was voted leader of the Fao Fao tribe. I wonder if he told his tongue-bathing-homeless person stories to anyone up to that point. I'm guessing not.

Ben seemed a little miffed to have not received any consideration. Since he's a hillbilly what has shot and kilt nearly everythin' around!

The first challenge, for flint, was a swim, a strength, agility and puzzle challenge.

The swimmers chosen were Jai-son and John.

People chosen for the strength portion were Russell H and Erik.

The agility participants were Marisa and Yasmin (who wears heels on Survivor? Who picks someone who wears heels thinking they would be the best choice for an agility challenge?).

The "smartest" people chosen for the puzzle challenge were Shambo and Liz. Liz was a bit put off as she felt that she was stereotyped as smart because she was Asian. If it makes you feel any better, Liz, I think you were picked because you were old, not Asian.

Mike imploded years of progress between whatever-his-ethnicity-is and African Americans by uttering "I'm surprised they picked Jaison 'cause Afro-Americans aren't known for swimmers."

Jaison bounded out to a good lead over John. On the way back up the shore he treated us all to the first blur of our game and 5 big points for anyone who has him! This was followed up a few seconds later by an impressive double blur by Marisa. Some of you may have missed Jaison's blur. I doubt anyone missed Marisa's. Sorry, no points for being second.

Russell S may not be a born leader, but he seems to be one of those irritating types who feels the need to let you know that you're doing well even when you're failing miserably.

Fao Fao wins flint! Shambo did a great job of making up time on the puzzle after Erik struggled mightily with the strength challenge. In all fairness, she should be well-experienced in assembling M-16 rifles in the dark during a fire fight, so putting a puzzle together probably isn't any more stressful.

Back at camp Russell H (now to be known as Evil Russell) shared with us his game plan:

Lie to everyone
Call all the women "dumb", thereby assuring that he will not win any vote-in money on the reunion show from the viewers
Empty out canteens at night and burn people's socks to make them miserable (nice touch)

While I respect Russell's ability to create total chaos, I think he's making the mistake of lying too much, too soon. He's going to get caught. Possibly killed. See, this is what makes for good reality TV.

He even went so far as to make up a story about being flooded out of his home in New Orleans during Katrina and losing his beloved German Shepherd. All of it a complete fabrication. Definitely no sympathy money from the viewers at home. And CBS takes another PR hit.

Ben the hillbilly was happy to tell everyone how to make camp. I keep waiting for him to say something like "you guys remember JT from last season, right? I'm JUST like him!" Mick, the elected leader, seemed more than happy to let him take charge.

At the Galu camp Russell seemed to be fervently empowering everyone as much as possible without providing any actual value.

Rocket scientist John seemed incapable of acting on a strategy. It sounded like he was actually planning an irrigation system before the tribe even had a place to sleep.

The immunity challenge was to have the tribes climb over several wooden, angled climbing walls and then pull a heavy crate over a ramp which they would then disassemble to form a puzzle out of the planks.

Going over one wall Yasmin gave herself a plank enema. Ouch, sphincter splinters!

Galu won the challenge when Fao Fao couldn't complete the puzzle. They responded with the chant "Galu is in the house! Galu is in the house!" Great. They don't have fire or shelter, but they have a chant.

Back at loser camp, Evil Russell continued to nurture his relationship with his "dumb gals". He poured it on a little too much to Marisa who said: "You've been talking with everyone...It makes me wary."

Evil Russell asked her to repeat herself "it makes me wary." As God as my witness I was waiting for him to say "well, if'n yer tired, just take a nap!"

But I think he got the point that she didn't trust him and that made her an immediate threat. Evil Russell then went around camp announcing that she had threatened him with her lack of complete trust and that she must, perforce, be voted off.

I find that liars, much more than honest people, become extremely irritated when their integrity is challenged. Wonder why that is.

Frankly, I'm not sure if Marisa was all that worried about whether she could trust Evil Russell in the game or if she was just uncomfortable with the way he kept checking her out while they talked. Uber creepy.

Betsy, to her credit, seems to have good instincts about Evil Russell. I suspect she's another week or so from digging that shallow grave on the beach I mentioned.

At council, Ashley seemed pretty laid back about the possibility of getting voted off. "It is what it is."

However, when someone mentioned that she might be the one voted off by factor of being the "weakest" she got a little hot. It's one thing to be cast off because you're a useless idiot, it's quite another to be considered out of shape. It's important for all of us to have our priorities straight.

Marisa was also irritated that she was considered "weak". She explained "there's...um...different levels of weakness..." Like mental.

In a close-ish voted, Marisa was cast out. Another quick exit for an Ohio Survivor.

Mike B was the lone person who chose Marisa as a Loveable Loser, so he takes a nice early lead in our game.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 5...Let's get it on!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 01:02:00 +0000

Rules: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/survivorfest.5.rules.doc

Pre-season evaluations: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/survivorfest.5.bios.htm

Gamesheet: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/survivorfest.5.entry.sheet.xls

Survivorfest 5 begins now!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 01:33:00 +0000

Welcome back to yet another season of Survivorfest! After 18 seasons this is the only way to enjoy the show!

As usual I've posted my pre-season biography evaluations so that you can make truly educated decisions for this season's game: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/survivorfest.5.bios.htm

The scoresheet will be posted soon and the season starts on September 17!

Survivorfest FInale!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Mon, 18 May 2009 02:27:00 +0000

Another wild and wooly finish to Survivorfest!

We started off with a rehash of the season to date, the highlight for me was Erinn: "I didn't come here so people at home would be proud of me...I want a million dollars!"

Stephen thinks he might have hurt his chances with the jury by betraying Coach.

Stephen: "I'm loyal to JT, but I'm also loyal to myself...and a million dollars."

Immunity challenge was a spider-shaped maze that players would go through to get puzzle pieces that they would use make a puzzle.

JT took a quick lead, gathered all his pieces first and started on his puzzle with a significant lead.

The puzzle was difficult and Stephen and Erinn soon caught up. JT finished his puzzle just ahead of Erinn. That was a close one...I wasn't quite ready for pigs to start flying.

Back at camp, Erinn tried a subtle tact to get JT and Stephen to vote Taj off. "You know, JT...Stephen was saying how going up against you in the vote would be like suicide."

She cleverly didn't tell JT that Stephen was thinking about voting JT off should he not have won the challenge. She waited for JT to ask her. Don't want to look to conniving.

Stephen to JT: "Taj believes we'll take her to the final two." Um...I think that's because both of you told her that you would.

At council, Coach still had his Dragon Cane. I suspect he'll be using it to walk around with after the game is over. Assuming he doesn't auction it off. It looks like he's been working on it quite a bit.

Taj was blindsided! I guess Eddie is going to get his sugar a little early.

Back at camp, JT is already regretful for turning on Taj.

Especially when Erinn won't shut the heck up about it. Both Stephen and JT are ready to kill her.

The remaining three took the Survivor walk of fame for the season. This is one of my favorite parts, especially when they try to remember something about some of the people who were voted off early. Like their names.

"Oh, the duuuude. Yeah. He was great. I totally miss him."

The next immunity challenge was a ball chute. Multiple balls rolling around on a track with two potential exit points. Once a ball hit the ground, the player was out.

Erinn dropped out first.

Stephen had a fatal flaw in his strategy. He knelt down to be more comfortable, but he had his hand sideways. This caused him to struggle with catching the ball. Eventually he fumbled one too many and JT went on to win immunity (again).

The win made Stephen happy. Now he didn't have to decide whether he would betray JT.

Erinn started working this angle with JT. Wouldn't it be easier to win if you took me? No one liked me from my tribe anyway.

Stephen argued that he would win jury points for sticking with him and that he was going to win anyway.

At council, Probst wondered if JT should choose morals over a million.

Since JT's voted was the only one that counted, he was the only one who got to vote. He chose to stick with Stephen. Erinn out!

The Warrior and the Wizard would continue on to the final jury vote.

The jury came in to provide their final questions to Stephen and JT.

Coach sprung from the jury and killed the both of them before being dragged down while screaming "I slayed the dragons!!!!" Just kidding. But would you have been surprised?

The two argued before the jury:

Stephen: Vote for me because I learned so much from the game. JT was already good at this stuff. I became something of an outdoorsman.

JT: I'm a goober, but I worked my butt off and you usually vote guys like me off early.

I think the only questions from the jury worth mentioning were, you guessed it: Coach.

"I'm proud to see the Warrior and the Wizard here!" He then proceeded to rehash his litany of Coach-isms like "iron sharpens iron" and something about dragon-slaying. My wife wondered aloud how he could remember all of them. I think it's repetition. Years from now we'll find out that Coach was brain damaged in a soccer accident and is capable of speech only in abstract macho-istic blurts. You heard it here first.

Taj whimpered about how dismayed she was at being blind-sided in favor of Erinn. Interestingly it got Stephen and JT to start sniping at each other a little. My wife thought they looked like an old married couple at that point.

I guess there are no friends in the shadow of a million smackaroos.

JT clearly was having doubts about his decision to keep Stephen in the final vote. I'm not entirely sure he'll be able to last long enough to hear the final vote....back in the studio!

I always liked the season where they air-lifted Probst in a helicopter to the final vote show. My wife thinks that they used up their air lift by flying Joe out.

At the final vote Stephen elected to keep his beard and JT looked much cleaner. I think he got his hair styled. Funny to see them all cleaned up after 30+ days of looking like skanks.

The winner needed four votes to win the million. JT won in a unanimous vote for only the second time in Survivor history.

As a celebration JT's family slaughtered a calf on the spot and started a barbeque for the entire studio audience.

The after-interviews are always a hoot, now that everyone has kind of made friends again and have started doing damage control at the advice of their new agents.

Evidently everyone still hates Sierra and she still can't figure out why. It's bad news when you're in tears at the after-show.

Tyson continued to dress in a green shirt that made him look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. My wife thinks it made him look like he had boobs. I loved the peach-fuzz mustache. It reminded me of junior high.

Coach refused a CBS-sponsored lie detector test to determine if he was really captured by natives in the Amazon, but secretly took one of his own. Predictably it showed that he was, indeed, the second coming of Chuck Norris.

Coach brought his assistant trainers (he can afford more than one friend now), the writer of his upcoming book (I can't wait) and a "lady friend" straight from Escorts-R-Us. To make sure he didn't look too much like a loser.

I hope you all enjoyed the latest version of Survivorfest. I'll be back in the fall with another round. Assuming CBS doesn't sue the crap out of me between now and then. With any luck I'll throw in a copy of Coach's new book for the winner.

The final standings were such:

1st - Tony
2nd - Machelle (tied for first in points, but sadly picked Tyson for an early exit)
3rd - Geri

Loveable Loser - Glenda (who uttered the Survivorfest hall of fame quote: "I guess sometimes it pays to be a loser." I want to have that tattooed on my arm.

See you next season on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 12!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 15 May 2009 01:46:00 +0000

The Dragon Slayer is slain!

Before we get started I just wanted to announce that, based on advice from my informal financial advisor (thanks, Ed!) I've elected to include ads with my blog. In keeping with good web-based tradition I will refrain from including unrelated topical terms such as:

NAKED PICTURES OF JESSICA ALBA
BARACK OBAMAS BLACKBERRY NUMBER
JIMMY HOFFAS REMAINS

Should any of the ad links on the page attract your interest, please feel free to click on them and buy anything they suggest. It's for the good of the economy.

Fresh from tribal council, Coach was pleased to be surrounded by no one but warriors...and Stephen...and Taj...and Erinn.

But he was quite distraught when he found out that his former ally, Debbie, had planned to blindside him in the last council. "I was like a lamb being led to the slaughter!"

He was happy to learn that his pals had "mounted an attack to save him."

Alas, Coach knew he was no longer in control of the game.

Coach has started wearing his buff in a weird way...Does anyone else think he's starting to look like Papa Smurf? http://www.costumzee.com/view/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/papa_smurf.jpg

PICTURES OF CUTE KITTENS

Turns out Coach is ailing. In addition to asthma, his back is injured. I suspect his idiot assistant who paid him what appeared to be a conjugal visit last week.

In conversation with JT and Stephen, Coach started to try to weasel his way out of going to Exile. As it turns out, Coach is one of the only ones who hasn't been to Exile. And JT, I believe.

Reward challenge was a race through a Survivor-shaped maze with their feet shackled. Once through the maze players would tie sticks together until they had a long enough pole to retrieve a sandbag on a rope. They would use the sandbag to knock over three beams. First one wins reward.

JT led the pack through the maze. Coach followed him closely, with Erinn right behind. The others decided to try their own path through the maze.

JT quickly made it all the way through. Coach was right behind him and the two of them were soon at work on tying their sticks together. Somewhere on the way Erinn evidently got lost. She came out of the maze with Stephen and Taj several minutes later.

JT finished extending his pole, reached the rope and knocked his targets down one, two, three. If you think I'm going to take this opportunity to make a rude observation about the phallic nature of this challenge...you're absolutely right.

JT asked for a volunteer for Exile. When none was forthcoming he chose Coach. To ease the blow, he told him it was time to man up and sacrifice. It was like throwing gas on a fire.

Coach indicated that he was not only pleased to take a turn in Exile, but he was going to take a monastic approach...no fire, sleep or food.

Erinn, called him out right then and there, claiming that if he starved himself he would then have an excuse to lose at the immunity challenge. Mostly I think she was tired of his crap.

Coach refuted her accusations and shared that he was experiencing asthma issues and had multiple ruptured discs in his back. He further offered to let anyone who disbelieved him, "hit him with their best shot, Pat Benatar!"

Some of you young folks out there (Mike) might be unfamiliar with the career of Pat Benatar. I like to think of her as the Susan B. Anthony of 80's rock. Love IS a battlefield, girl! I'm pretty sure I could ill-afford the number of man points that just cost me.

JT was allowed to take only one person with him on reward and chose Stephen. Taj and Erinn seemed happy to go back to camp as long as it was without Coach.

Back at camp, Erinn regrets calling out Coach. Not because she felt badly about it, but because she didn't like the way it made her look bad to JT and Stephen.

Taj was nonplussed by Coach's alleged injuries. She thought that, had he won, "the warrior would have been back."

Erinn shared that her strategy was to go as far as she could with Stephen and JT. Stick with the two people who still retained any semblance of control over the game? Man, she should write a book or something. At least at this point in the game she seems to have a strategy. That's six steps up from where she was last week.

At Exile, Coach launched into a self-assessment of monumental proportions including some of really top-drawer Survivorfest Hall of Fame quotes:

He described himself using approximately 35 adjectives. Really, there needs to be some personal limits.

"The Coach Wade foundation is built on rock!"

"I could go a week without food...it would make me a better, stronger person!"

"I will be like my ancestors, the Native Americans."

"People hate me because I'm eloquent."

And last, but not least, Coach took time to pray: "Please help me to forgive Erinn for being such a bitch..." Okay, I added that last part. He was firing them off faster than I could keep up.

I suspect CBS is collecting all of this for a "Best of Coach" DVD compliation.

The Dragon Slayer made a Dragon Cane to help him do some pseudo-karate type stuff and then to assist him while he hobbled to the immunity challenge.

At the reward challenge, JT and Stephen took a private plane to the Governor's vacation house.

JT: "When I woke up this morning I never dreamed I'd be on a private plane today." I think Joe said the exact same thing around week 6.

The gov's place was nice, and best of all it had a shower! JT: "34 days I have not washed my nasty tail!"

I found it a little uncomfotable that Stephen just sat and watched him, while waiting for his turn. I don't care how much time you spend together in the wild, sometimes a man needs some privacy!

Afterward the two pals enjoyed a feast made up primarily of large hunks of meat. Stephen called it a meat festival. I have nothing to add to that.

They started celebrating their "final 2" status. Better not plan the parade yet, boys.

Day 36, on Exile and Coach appears to be dead. Vultures pecking at his eyes and everything.

He came to long enough to quote Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor who said "You can fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time." I know he said it. I was there with Coach. He said it in Latin and then taught Coach how to Samba.

FUNNY JOKES

The immunity challenge was a stamina challenge. Each contestant would stand with their feet braced against two small platforms nailed into vertical poles. Each few minutes they would drop down to a set of smaller platforms, last one on would win immunity.

Coach came back from Exile, limping along with his Dragon Cane.

Taj: "Oh, please! A 37-year old man who thinks he's a Dragon Slayer belongs in a mental institution!" Hey, I have questions about what a middle-aged mother who is married to a multi-millionaire is doing starving herself to death, but I keep them to myself.

Despite his fast at Exile, Coach did quietly request a swig of water before the challenge started.

I figured Stephen and Erin might do well at this challenge as they were both fairly light. Boy was I wrong.

Erinn dropped out first, followed by Stephen. Taj went shortly after, leaving Coach and JT in a battle of wills. Probst billed it as the listener and the talker, and the young buck and the warrior. I think he might be the love child of Howard Cosell. Howard, shows off his versatility here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2rg3a_howard-cosell-john-lennon_music

Probst asked Coach if he thought his time meditating on Exile gave him an advantage in the mental aspect of this challenge. Naturally Coach agreed.

Taj reminded Coach that his back was injured and suggested he take it easy. Coach's back gave out right about then.

Coach shrieked and then slowly flopped off of the platform. He then collapsed into a heap on the ground.

Probst asked if Coach wanted the medical team to take a look at him. "NO! If medical were to take a look at my back I wouldn't be here!"

Later Coach indicated "I was honored in defeat...and when I went down."

NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT

Stephen: "I felt so bad for him...but he's still the Dragon Slayer! I need people here that I can beat." I think it's too late to get Sandy and Sierra back in the game, Stephen.

Back at camp, Coach tried to have JT and Stephen reassure him that he wasn't going to get blindsided at council that night. "No surprises, right, guys?" and "we're all still warriors here, right?"

I'm a little surprised that no one is talking about trying to blindside JT at this point. He must be a realllllly nice guy.

At council, Probst gets Erinn to start up on her Coach rant. Probst asked Coach to respond to her accusations that he's a pointless, unrelenting ass.

Coach: "Sometimes when a man drops a pebble, women see a boulder." Oooo, despite my recent drop in man points, I'm still a man and that even offended me.

Before heading off to cast votes, Coach announced that he had a poem to read. I'm not going to repeat it here. It sounded vaguely biblical. This guy breaks all the rules.

Probst indicated that this would be the last week someone could use the hidden immunity idol. No one did. I am fairly sure that the number of times someone tried to play a fake idol would outnumber the times someone played a real idol. Why even give those things out?

Coach was cast out in a close vote over Erinn. Stephen evidently decided he had a better chance of beating her in a challenge than Coach. Probably true, but I'm going to miss that guy.

Coach couldn't leave without a few last zingers: "Why would they want to keep Erinn in the warrior alliance instead of me? It turns out Stephen was the evil wizard, not the white wizard."

The season ends on Sunday as our final days of Survivorfest draw to a close!

SECRETS OF WEIGHT LOSS!

Survivorfest - Week 11

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Mon, 11 May 2009 00:23:00 +0000

Debbie heads back to her family and school!

Back at camp and Coach is surrounded by cowards. Cowards!

Debbie was coming to the conclusion that her alliance with coach was not working out for her. I wonder what tipped her off...the blindsiding that she hasn't been a part of or the fact that the rest of the tribe is starting to treat her like Erinn.

She told JT and Stephen that she was with them all the way honest-to-God and pinkie swear. I think the pinkie swear would have been the deal clincher for me. No one welches on one of those.

She finished up her case with "I'm so glad you guys are in my life!"

No reward challenge since we get the Survivor auction!

Debbie paid $120 for some fries. With ketchup and mayo on the side. How European.

Coach paid $320 for chicken parmesan and a glass of wine. I'm not sure he wanted it until Probst said it was classy.

JT paid $160 for a mystery dish. Turned out to be nachos. Mmmmmmm....mystery nachos.

Stephen paid $100 for a mystery item as well. Probst indicated it was a local delicacy, to which Stephen replied "oh, no!" The dish was chicken hearts. If Stephen didn't like 'em, he wasn't telling. I guess he should have known. Two good mystery dishes in a row? Not likely.

The final prize was a "loved one" video. Everyone pooled their money for Taj, which wasn't necessary since no one else was bidding. I guess it's the thought that counts.

Taj got a nice home video from husband Eddie and the family.

At the end of the video, Eddie said "see you back at camp!"

Taj was so busy bawling she didn't seem to notice. When Probst repeated it, Taj realized what it meant and swung Probst around like a rag doll.

"Back at the camp!!!"

As a twist, if Taj took Eddie to Exile, then the rest of the tribe could have a family visit. Not too tough a decision. It would have been interesting if she could either see Eddie or everyone else could see their friends/family. I guess that would have potentially involved a lot of airfare for nothing.

Taj met with Eddie at Exile. She weighed in with a Survivorfest Hall of Fame quote: "He looked so good I wanted to take him aside and have a conjugal visit!" A few years from now and I expect you'll get to watch that kind of thing on pay-per-view.

"If you want to see Taj and Eddie do the nasty, click here and pay $12.99!"

Exile for Taj and Eddie was probably a good thing. That way no one would bug Eddie for autographs.

Stephen's brother asked him not to eat him. After seeing him, I would think that Stephen should be the one worrying.

Coach had his assistant coach join him. I'm not sure if that is really his name, relation or title, but it's certainly weird.

He turned to him and said "Guess what they call me...Dragonslayer! Cause that's what I do. I'm slaying the dragons." You can't make stuff like that up.

Coach and his assistant went to work trying to loosen up Coach's back using a variety of bizarre exercises. He felt compelled to tell us that they weren't engaging in any weird sexual positions. Whew. I was a little concerned...

Evidently JT really misses his cows.

Once the family and friends had departed it was back to talking strategy.

Someone asked Erinn what her thoughts were on the game. She responded the same way you might expect a dog if you asked him an algebra question. "uhhhmm."

Seriously, what's she still doing on this show?

Debbie was back to trying to ingratiate herself with JT and Stephen. She thought voting off Coach would be the best move. "It's gonna have to be what we...I mean what you did to Tyson." Nice save, Quisling.

Debbie went on to indicate that Erinn and Taj should be next. Moreover, if she won immunity near the end, she would give it to JT and be happy to have third place.

Stephen was appropriately suspicious. Particularly of the way she continued to swear that she would stay aligned with them.

He did indicate that it would be nice to have Debbie step aside and give the idol to he and JT later in the game. Um, Stephen...I think she said she'd give the idol to JT...

Immunity challenge was an obstacle course where the contestant would get mathematical equations to help solve a math puzzle.

The first part of the challenge involved digging a hole under a beam and crawling through. Taj got stuck but good.

Erinn, the thinnest of all of them, was the last one to make it under the beam. By a long way. I'm not sure she even made it to the math symbols. How is she still in this game?

Stephen had a tough time walking across the balance beam, but when he finally reached the math symbols, was able to memorize all of them and complete the equation on his first try. Everyone else had to take multiple trips.

I think he may have had an advantage as the only one who seemed to have a passing familiarity with math.

At tribal council I couldn't help but think that if Sierra dressed up like that during the game, she might still be there. She reminded me of Beetlejuice's sister.

Taj referenced the "warriors" clan. Probst started to pick at Coach, who replied "I didn't come up with that name myself."

Probst: "Let me guess...a chief somewhere gave you that name."

Coach got a little pissy at that point. I guess he does know when people are making fun of him.

Erinn indicated that whoever went home that night would probably be surprised. She should know. I'm pretty darn sure no one has told her how the vote tonight was going to go.

Debbie knew the jig was up when her name came up the second time.

Coach did not look pleased about another turn of events that took place without his blessing. Brendan seemed to enjoy it, though.

Next week is the final regular episode followed by the season finale on Sunday. We're coming down the home stretch!

See you next week on Survivorfest!

Survivorfest - week 10!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 01 May 2009 01:15:00 +0000

Sierra finally outlasts her welcome!

Back from council, Coach reflected on recent events: "I was commanding my troops, as I was born to do...that's why I'm the Dragonslayer." Then JT and Stephen turned the game on its head by blindsiding Tyson.

Despite what was clearly a surprise and a disappointment to Debbie and Coach, they slobbered all over JT and Stephen.

Stephen remarked that he was leery about being told how brilliant he was and would have preferred a big old fight to clear the air. I'm starting to get a sneaking feeling that Stephen might just be the guy to beat in this game...

The reward challenge was a quiz regarding the remaining members of the tribe. They all answered a series of questions and would compare their results to that of the group. Those who had the results of the majority would be allowed to chop at the rope of a competitor.

Each person had three sections to their rope before a hammer would fall, smashing a ceramic doll that resembled the player. Coach's doll, predictably, had a larger-than-normal head.

Who was not playing the game up to their potential? The majority said Coach...including Coach. Anyone who didn't see that coming hasn't been paying attention. He's the kind of guy who thinks even his weaknesses are greater than most people's strengths.

Who would squander the million dollars if the won the game? Helio Castroneves! Just kidding. That was the majority answer to that question on a previous season of Dancing With the Stars: http://motorsports.fanhouse.com/2008/10/03/helios-tax-indictment-has-nascar-ties/

The majority answered Sierra. Again...what in the world did she do to piss all these people off?

Sierra's third rope was chopped and she took a seat on the bench.

Who would never survive on their own? Debbie.

With that Coach went out, followed by Debbie.

Who would you trust with your life? JT, unanimously. Surprising, after last week. I think Tyson would beg to differ.

Erinn was out, then JT. So much for the value of being trustworthy.

Stephen turned to Taj at this point, flashed a gang sign at her and said "It's on!". He couldn't be any whiter if he was a ghost.

Who would be most likely to stab you in the back? Sierra. Again, what?

Who would you least like to see win the game? Stephen won by choosing Sierra. Taj lost and had selected Coach.

Stephen won the reward challenge.

He chose to send Erinn to Exile. Again, worried that another idol might make its way out he didn't want Sierra to get it.

Stephen took Taj and JT with him on reward, which was a home cooked meal with a Brazilian family. Unfortunately it was the vacation home of former major league pitcher Ugueth Urbina. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,261984,00.html

Just kidding. That's the plot of next season's Survivor. Instead of going home, cast-offs will be hacked with machetes and doused with gasoline. I can't wait.

After a large meal with the family, the three went to, and I'm certainly going to spell this wrong, Fervedora Springs. I believe Fervedora is Portuguese for "septic pool".

At Exile, Erinn and her Prada-frame glasses had little success with making a fire. Then it rained anyway. Cold, wet, lonely night on Exile. Sounds like a Michael Jackson's honeymoon.

Back at camp, Sierra is approached by Coach and Debbie to reunite the Timbera tribe to take back control of the game. At least that was my take on the conversation. As we were about to find out, there's several sides to every story.

Sierra wasn't so sure she wanted to align with the losers of last night's blindside, so she avoided any commitment.

Debbie was a little rattled: "My brain is running right now." I'm not sure what got it started.

She turned to ask Sierra: "Sierra, you would go with whatever Coach says, right?"

Sierra: "ummm, I'm not so sure."

Debbie: "What!?! I thought you said you'd be loyal!"

Sierra: "That was before you wrote my name down! You guys are in trouble...you only have two people in your alliance."

Debbie: "You don't know who we have! Those facts are in your brain!" Yes, she actually said that.

I thought this was hilarious as it was almost the exact opposite of the conversation those two had the previous episode.

Coach made sure to hook up with JT to try to get his commitment on how the final four would play out.

Coach even went so far as to say that it was Sierra's idea to try to reunite Timbera. Naturally he was above such dishonesty. I didn't think it was possible, but his nose actually grew three inches.

He went so far as to say that the very thought of crossing JT and Stephen made him sick to his stomach. I swear I could hear violin music in the background.

Sierra told Stephen her side of the story, which had a little different spin than Coach's.

Stephen cracks me up: "Ultimately we'll need to betray Coach and Debbie. To do that we need to get them on our side." And he seems like such a nice boy.

The immunity challenge was to throw a grappling hook to pull in three bags from a distance. The first three to retrieve all their bags would move on to a "ball in a maze board" challenge for immunity.

It seems like it's the rainy season in Brazil and there was plenty of lighting to boot. I wonder how worried they were to be slinging around metal grappling hooks. I suspect CBS' lawyers were all squirming and rechecking the paperwork they had the players sign.

Coach and JT finished ahead of the others, and Debbie edged out Stephen, who was delayed by a knot in his rope.

Coach was practically giddy to have not been eliminated at this point. Definitely new ground being broken here when Coach starts being competitive in individual challenges.

Coach won the ball in a maze challenge due to three factors: concentration, total focus, honesty and integrity. Wait that's four.

We did get to hear another victory cry as Coach dropped his ball into the winning hole: "You better believe it, baby! Dragonslayer!!"

And I'm not even making that up.

Back at camp he actually asked JT if he'd heard him yell "Dragonslayer!!" He had. I strongly suspect that, if they can stomach Coach for a couple more days, then they will try to drag him along to the end. I can't see anyone intentionally giving him a million dollars.

Coach then proceeded to explain to everyone why he won that challenge. In detail. Talked it to death.

Sierra took the opportunity to try to clear up the air about who said what to whom earlier.

My interpretation of the confrontation:

Coach threw Debbie under the bus. Sierra called Coach a liar. Coach claimed he was beyond reproach. Debbie broke down and cried.

Debbie: "I'm a 46-year old professional woman, arguing with a 23-year old! I don't even remember what I said [to her]!" I think that's an interesting way of saying, "yeah, I lied".

At council, Probst asked about the in-fighting.

Coach was still appalled that anyone would doubt him: "I live by two things: honesty, integrity and bravery." In all fairness, he might have written it as honesty/integrity.

Taj enjoyed the drama show since she hadn't gotten to watch any soap operas lately. And she wasn't on the spot.

Sierra was voted out in a close one, with Debbie sweating it out.

It seemed like the reasoning for getting rid of Sierra was that she was causing too much trouble at camp. All the more reason for keeping her, I think. She definitely provided a smoke-screen for Erinn and Taj. And I think Coach might be even more of a target now.

Still, for a gal that everyone wanted to vote off as soon as they got off the bus, she did very well for herself.

See you next week on...Survivor!

Survorfest week 9!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 00:27:00 +0000

Tyson and his loin cloth boogie on home!

Back from tribal council, fresh from blindsiding Brendon, the rest of the tribe took the opportunity to rub Sierra's nose in it. She responded by trying to explain how she was young and foolish and didn't mean to hurt anyone...What a load of bull.

I mean seriously, why do the people that get caught on the losing end of a power play feel like they have to explain themselves? Just say "hey, I went with what I thought was my best option and it didn't pan out. I'm ready to move on to my next best option." Everyone takes it so personally when their name gets written down.

I've decided that Coach is the Michael Scott of Survivor. He can bench press 300 pounds, you know. Brendan couldn't believe it. But then he was the head of the Dragon and now has been defeated.

Tyson really laid into Sierra. Not only did he call her an idiot and told her that she would be voted off next, but he also concluded that her boyfriend probably wasn't all that cool, either.

Coach seems to have a different primal scream for every occasion. This week we got to hear his victory scream.

The reward challenge was a complicated puzzle where different boards had to be fitted in such a way that the players could see vowels through holes in the boards in order to unscramble a phrase. I was completely confused. Sometimes I think they make these challenges too complex. They often don't seem to make any sense.

The reward was a feast and a Brazilian martial arts demonstration. I couldn't understand what it was called, but Coach knew exactly what it was. What an ass.

Taj seems to have lost a lot of weight. All muscle as I recall from a previous discussion. She seemed to still have a lot of muscle between the ears as she thought that running with her head through one of the holes in the puzzle board was a good idea. Probst warned her that she was imminent danger of snapping her neck like a twig.

JT, Debi, Erinn and Tyson won reward.

JT insisted that Stephen head back to Exile. The strategy was sound as they were concerned that if another hidden idol was put back in play, then Sierra might end up with it.

As the winners headed off to reward, Probst couldn't help but note that all of Coach's life experiences hadn't helped him win any of the cool rewards. Coach indicated that, last time he was in the Amazon, he wasn't asked to line boards up. I wonder if that was before or after the trip where the natives tried to eat him.

Erinn remarked that she'd not been on a reward before. I'm trying to figure out how she's still in the game.

The natives seemed a little put out by the condition of the Survivors. Maybe they've been watching the show and having a game of their own. Most of 'em probably had money on Brendon.

Debi, a school principal back home, couldn't stay away from the kids. I think she was creeping out some of the parents.

The Brazilian martial art was a fighting style that was part dance, part non-physical contact. Not much of a martial art. It's probably Swiss.

After a huge feast and an attempt to do the martial arts, and Erinn was left puking her guts out. I'm sure the neighbors were dutifully impressed. I think I saw them exchanging money.

Back at camp Sierra was still blubbering about her plans.

Erinn seemed to enjoy the show.

Coach suggested that she take the honorable way of the samurai and kill herself. Or something equally goofy.

Sierra went to Coach and tried to get him to "coach" her. Let her learn from her mistake and help her be a better person. Well played.

You could see Coach just chewing it over...She betrayed me...yet I can save her...

The challenge was a version of shuffleboard in the rain. Stephen returned from Exile declaring how much he missed everyone and their body warmth. Awkward!

The rain made the match pretty miserable. Debi and Erinn looked like they were going to be hypothermic.

Probst made an offer to skip the challenge for some pizza. Surprisingly Stephen, JT and Coach sat out to enjoy as much pizza as they could shovel in.

Tyson was not happy that all of his buds expected that he would stay in the challenge to keep Sierra headed back home while they sat around and ate pizza.

Sierra took a late lead in the challenge and you could see the blood drain from Coach's face. Tyson missed his last shot and said "Ah, I shoulda ate!"

Sierra was pretty happy with her final shot and let it show.

Debi took charge with her last shot, however, and won immunity!

Tyson: "There's nothing awesomer than seeing someone celebrate before the game is over. It's okay...we'll go to council and I hope that Sierra will cry a lot."

Back at camp, Stephen floated the idea of blind-siding Tyson. Seems like a good time. He'd won every immunity challenge but the latest.

Stephen: "It's happens every season! Someone goes on a run!"

JT: "Sierra's a lying bitch. I hate her."

Stephen: "Me, too!"

What in the name of all that's holy did she do? Vote McCain?

Coach made a nice Michael Scott-ism: "We're the Warrior alliance! It would be stupid to call ourselves that and then not go through with [keeping the strongest players until the end]!"

At council, Brendan came in, looking as scruffy as he had when he left.

Coach was wearing some type of weird feather headdress. No doubt he modeled it after some Brazilian martial arts specialist. Or his favorite bird.

Tyson loves everyone there...with the notable exception of Sierra. That was hard to guess.

Coach mentioned that he wanted to walk the honorable road of the warrior. Probst noted that voting Brendan out wasn't exactly the way a samurai wouldn't do it.

Coach sputtered that he would like to explain about that...Evidently since Brendan pitted himself against him, Coach felt the need to cut the head off of the Dragon.

Coach chimed in with a Survivor Hall of Fame quote: "I will be like a ravenous wolf!!"

The blindside was one, and Tyson was voted off!

The look on everyone's face when Tyson's name came up the third time was priceless.

Tyson took it pretty well: "Sneaky bastards! Now I know how Brendan felt."

He added: "It feels weird to be outfoxed by an idiot."

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 8!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 00:14:00 +0000

Brendan blindsided!

Fresh from Joe leaving due to injury, Coach appears to have gone off his rocker. I haven't seen a person go this batty this quickly since Lindsay Lohan after the release of Herbie Fully Loaded.

Perhaps he missed Joe: "With Joe leaving the way he did, there is a funk permeating the camp." Perhaps it's the fish guts. Or the stink of Herbie Fully Loaded.

Coach proceeded to tell a camp story culled from his "real life". Evidently during a kayak trip to the Amazon (he was dropped off by a military helicopter) he was abducted by a tribe of natives. They bound and beat him until he was able to slip out of the ropes and flee with his kayak. Well. I guess I have nothing further to say about that.

Just kidding. Of course I have something to say about that! I think he should have skipped the part where the tribe of natives beat him within an inch of his life. He was giving everyone ideas...

He ended by saying that he couldn't describe how it felt to be stalked by another human being. I'm pondering another Lindsay Lohan reference.

Brendan wondered how much renting the military 'coptor set him back. Coach indicated: "I pulled some strings".

Allegedly it was some type of National Geographic shoot, but he refused to let anyone else travel along because the trip was "just about him".

The next morning Coach did his WWF poses in the surf. When asked about what type of exercise he was doing, he replied "It's Chong Ran."

As I was typing madly, he followed with "don't bother Googling it...you won't find it. It's passed down by word of mouth." Dang.

Actually he was wrong. When I Googled "Chong Ran" it was listed as "the ancient art of making s%#t up".

Coach was in rare form this week. He reiterated that he had nicknamed Brendan "the Dragon" and that he was "the Dragon Slayer".

He ran with the analogy and dubbed Sierra "the bowel movement that comes out of the end of the dragon". If they make a movie about this, what actress will play the part? I vote for Kathy Griffin.

JT and Erinn had a nice chat. He asked her whether she was aligned with any of her tribe. Her response "aligned...not so much. I've stayed neutral." That's another way of saying that the rest of her tribe thinks she's a lost cause.

Frankly, at this point it would seem that anyone who has Sierra, Taj, Erinn and maybe Stephen should feel pretty good. It seems like once the tribes merge the usual strategy is to drag along the non-physical threats so you can win individual immunity week after week.

Reward challenge was to break the group into three teams. Each team tossed metal balls at blocks with tiles set into the tops. The last tribe to have unbroken tiles remaining would win the challenge.

Brendan was grousing about the strategy since "none of us have ever done this before."

Coach raised his hand "I have." Naturally. He probably taught the Amazon natives how to play before he eluded them.

Brendan, JT and Debi won a close match and headed off to a white water rafting trip. Great. Just what you want as a reward when you're starving and exhausted. That kind of trip will wear you out when you're well-fed and rested.

They decided to send Stephen to Exile.

Coach gave him some encouragement "Be the wizard, Stephen...be the wizard" Seriously, he was just blurting weird stuff like that all day.

At Exile, Stephen got the idol clue which confirmed that there was no new hidden idol to be found.

He had concerns about making fire: "I figured I would make food, make fire or die."

After hours of trying he finally managed it. Could be a big moment for a tie breaker down the line.

After white water rafting, JT and Brendan chatted. Brendan had taken a liking to JT and formed a plan to keep JT in the game and blindside Coach or Tyson. Little did he know that the actual plan had him packing his things before Joe had to drop out.

Back at camp he tried to mend fences with Taj, whom he had been avoiding since the merge despite their special cross-alliance at Exile. It was hard to determine if she was buying what he was trying to sell.

The immunity challenge was an obstacle course that each player would have to navigate while tied to a rope that was threaded through the course.

Tyson, Brendan and JT jumped ahead to advance to the next round. Coach got stuck on the first section. Probst uttered "nothing prepared Coach for the rope-a-dope!" Probst showed his age with that Muhammad Ali reference. None of the younger crowd was likely to pick that up. Right, Mike?

The next round was a two-tier course. Brendan got hung up at the end while JT fell behind. Tyson took immunity for the second week in a row!

Coach: "the wizard is coming to the man of the mountain!" I think at this point he has gone delirious and no one has noticed. Did he get bitten by some sort of frothing mammal and the camera guy missed it?

JT and Stephen discussed Coach's weird camp story. JT indicated: "I don't know about that Amazon story...I think I'd have gone back with a 30-30 Winchester..."

Stephen: "uh, yeah." I can picture Stephen going back with an Uzi and seeking vengeance on some Amazon pygmies. Not.

Brendan ran around camp happily working his "plan". Since Tyson took immunity, Coach was now on the block. Brendan seemed awfully sure that nothing else was going on. That should have been a warning. If everyone else was really planning to vote off JT it was strange that everyone was professing how much they loved him.

At tribal council Probst wanted to hear more about Coach's campfire story: "Coach, that sounds incredible! Did you tell them the TV version?"

Coach missed the insinuation that "TV version" meant that he was adding a lot of extra crap that never happened. He thought that he meant "keeping it PG-rated".

"I toned it down. I didn't tell the part where the Indians were talking about my ass and how they wanted to eat it" Yup. Liars creed. When someone's on to you, start telling even bigger whoppers.

Coach went on to share how he had faced death 5, 6, 7 maybe 8 times! Sharks, alligators, ninjas, Russian spies...yeah, he's definitely missing the marshmallows from his Lucky Charms.

Probst started asking about who had the hidden idol since so many had gone to Exile. Everyone claimed not to have it, but Brendan fessed up. The funny thing is I think he was joking around.

Brendan was voted out, blindsided. He is the first member of our jury! Add him to the pantheon of "people who had an immunity idol and didn't use it". I formally proclaim this as the "James effect".

I think I speak for all of us Brendan-owners when I say "damn!"

My daughter amused me when she said "Well, at least I still have Coach." Bwahahahaha!

Survivorfest - Week 7

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:25:00 +0000

Joe limps out!

Forgot this from last week: Taj spoke to Stephen and JT about the immunity idol: "I don't want you guys to go out prematurely!" That's what she said! Sorry, I've been holding that in for about a week.

Coach woke up the morning after council and decided his chakra needed to be adjusted or something. He made sure to do his fake Tai Chi where everyone could see him. It looked more like he was WWF posing.

He did come back and give everyone in the tribe a nice back massage. A little creepy.

Everyone seemed to think Coach had turned over a new leaf. I suspect that will last approximately half a week.

Evidently Coach started the Samurai hair-do trend as well. Huh. Probably discovered plutonium, too.

Joe leg is puffed up like...well, Coach. Not good news, I'm telling you...

Next morning and tree mail brought word of an upcoming feast.

Taj lays a Survivor Hall of Fame quote on us: "I get excited when I hear anything that starts with an "F"!" I can only presume that meant foot-rubs, feasts and football.

That day the tribes merged and sat together for a feast!

They decided to have JT read the note explaining the merge. What were they thinking? Don't they know that CBS has to pay extra for subtitles?

They new tribe settled on the name Forza, which is Portuguese for "sausage", I believe. Actually a quick review of Internet searches indicates it is the name of a Motocross video simulator, a coffee company and a weight lifting system.

Coach used his vast powers of observation to immediately identified JT as a good ol' boy. Yep, master of psychology, that one.

He also weighed in on his main threat.

Coach: "Brendan is the head of the dragon...when you want to kill an army you kill the head of the dragon!" I dub him captain of mixed metaphors.

Day 20 and Debbie's roots are showing.

The early talk around camp seemed to be about voting Brendan off. Evidently Tyson and Coach find him despicable and deceitful. I'm not sure where that is coming from. I don't think they've been at odds over a tribal vote up to this point.

Tyson took Debbie aside to tell her the score. If I've seen this once, I've seen it a dozen times. Summary: "We're going to do this...if you want to ride the wave for a few more weeks, stick with the plan. We vote off tonight"

Debbie's (and the typical) response: " I'm down with that/that sounds great."

Tyson was feeling a bit like the evil mastermind: "Brendan is like putty in my hands!" Last time we heard someone say that it was Kenny, last season. I'm trying to remember how that worked out...

Erinn and Joe went for a walk. Joe asked Erinn if she'd figured out where the idol was. She hadn't.

Joe: "Wanna see where it is? Bend over!" Fortunately this took place by the tree mail idol or CBS would have faced a very large fine.

Alas, the idol had already been removed, so they knew that either Brendan or Sierra had it.

Odd that Joe didn't mention his "idol" (that Taj and Stephen made). Wonder if he figured out it was fake.

The immunity challenge was to have each person hang onto a pole. Last one hanging would win.

Stephen made it about as long as it took Probst to say "the challenge is on."

Joe was out next. Probst noted his puffed-up leg. It's getting a lot of air time, so I think you know what's coming.

Brendan was out next. Taj and Erinn then went out.

JT dropped out.

Coach talked some smack before dropping out himself. He was all cocky, too. Like as long as the members of the old tribe had dropped out, he didn't need to finish the challenge.

Sierra took a hard slide down the pole. Probably picked up a few splinters up the front. Ouch!

Erinn called out from the bench: "Tyson, don't fall!"

Tyson: "Dont tell me what to do, woman."

Erinn: "I just don't want to you to break your face."

Tyson: "True, it is my money maker." This guy is virtually destined for a Survivor All-Stars if he doesn't finish first this season.

Debbie held on for dear life, but finally gave in. Tyson won immunity and earned points for whoever had him.

Tyson: "I kicked ass like I always do." It's amazing how he can say that and it's funny. When Coach says stuff like that you just want to punch him in the head. Remarkable.

Joe earned a medical visit while the rest of the tribe returned to camp.

Erinn: "I hope Joe's okay."

Taj: "Who? Oh...yeah!"

Back at camp it was the Tyson monologues.

Tyson: "Lying to people brings me pleasure. I don't know why Sierra is here. Probably to give hope to stupid people around the world." And Sierra's going to watch that later and go "oh, Tyson...you're so silly!"

Tyson loves him some Brendan. I don't think I can repeat what he said about him. I felt all dirty just hearing it.

Tyson was flying around camp telling everybody everything. At this point I have no idea what the real plan actually is. I'm not sure Tyson does, either.

Coach weighed in with his own Survivor Hall of Fame quote: "I have no patience for sitting around with a rod in my hand and nothing going on. " Right. That's what he said!

Coach was happy with his perceived planning skills: "You can call me the orchestrator!" Oh, that's almost too good. Dare I? If it was easier to type I probably would.

Probst came to camp for a visit. Bad news for Joe. He'll be heading home due to the leg injury.

No tribal council tonight!

Taj: "Woo hoo! Oh, uhm. Jeff, tell Joe we love him and miss him. Sniff."

I guess Dragon Slayer/Orchestrator will have to wait another day to taste blood! Or conduct. Yeah, I just can't ride with both of these titles.

Was anyone else surprised that Joe was willing to leave without too much of a fuss? With a pretty hot foreign doctor? Anyone? Me neither.

As they flew away on the helicopter, you might have missed it, but Joe leaned over to the doctor and whispered "hey...would you like to see my hidden idol?"

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 6!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 01:40:00 +0000

Sydney started Joe's fire, but had hers extinguished!

Welcome back from our two-week, NCAA-induced hiatus!

Jalapao was back at camp, fresh from cutting loose Spencer. Everyone seemed regretful with the exception of JT. Guess it doesn't pay to get on that guy's bad side. Seriously, was he that miserable in the lacrosse challenge?

Sydney began moping around using the old "I guess everyone will be voting me off next" routine. Maybe she should be employing a more useful strategy like the "I'm totally going to be a useful member of the tribe" one or "I'm going to kick butt in the next challenge, guaranteed!" one. Even the "I think we should get rid of so-an-so because he/she is a cancer" strategy is better.

Joe, however, is wearing Sydney-colored glasses: "I got a thing for Sydney...she's gorgeous!" Further, he declared that he would do what he could to take her to the merge with him. Is she $1M gorgeous, Joe? You can buy a lot of high-end glamour for that kind of scratch.

The camera showed the clouds pouring in at fast-motion speed. My wife wondered if Coach suspected it was going to rain.

Coach continued to aggravate his clan. This time it was by adding additional river water to the pot of beans because they weren't done enough to suit him. The rains came in before the beans were finished and Coach retreated to the shelter. This resulted in a heaping pot of burned beans that everyone got to scrape out of the pot.

Debbie: "Some of them are purple!" Sierra let him know that if one of the rest of the tribe screwed up the beans, he would have been all over them. Probably true. Coach spent the next several minutes explaining why everyone else was being a jerk because he burned the beans.

Speaking of Debbie and Sierra...I always thought Sierra was little, but she stands a full head taller than Debbie. Weird.

Brendan was still happy with having him around: "Coach is a predictable player, and in this game you want to be dealing with predictable people." That sounds like famous last words, to me.

Taj was interested in telling JT that she had the idol, but Stephen talked her out of it. Evidently he wanted to maintain his usefulness as a go between for Taj and JT. Bros before hos, as it were.

The reward challenge was for each tribe to build a set of barricades. Once completed the tribes would attempt to throw ceramic pigs through the other team's barricades to other tribe members. The team with the most unbroken pigs at the end wins.

Probst: "Those pigs hurt when they hit your body!" I'm still not sure what to say about this.

Initially both tribes struggled with the challenge and the first handful of pigs ended up in a shattered mess on the ground.

After a while both tribes got the hang of it and pigs did indeed fly. Timbera won by a snout!

Timbera (or rather Brendan) chose Joe to go to Exile. Joe elected to take Erinn with him. I predicted that he would take the best-looking or least-clothed female remaining. Joe doesn't disappoint: "The decision to take Erinn was strategic. Charm is part of my game."

At reward, the tribe enjoyed a barbeque feast at a waterfall. I laughed when I saw Coach jump into the tidal pool on a float and ended up hitting the water face first. Sometimes it's the simple things in life that you treasure.

At Exile, Erinn picked the urn with the clue. Eventually she decided to share the clue with Joe.

Erinn: "If we were aligned and had two idols, then that might be good." Duh...do you think? She is not shaping up as a Survivor mastermind.

Stephen and Taj decided that Joe will probably get the clue to the idol, so they must work up a fake one in order to hide the fact that they have it. Time to get to work on that fake idol!

Stephen blurted "I have some leather straps!" Really? Where the heck did he get those? Now if it was leather chaps, I would've figured that Spencer left them behind...

I can't help but wonder if Joe is smart enough to follow the clues and find the idol but dumb enough to believe that Taj hadn't found it after being on Exile like five times.

On the way to a fishing expedition, JT grabbed for an empty bag and happened to find Taj's idol. Stephen tried to make like he hadn't seen it before. Stephen is a terrible, terrible liar.

And evidently an idiot. Why would you hide an immunity idol with a bunch of empty sacks that people use for fishing?

The jig being up, Taj and Stephen fessed up to JT that they had the idol. Taj even offered to let him have it if he needed it. They elected to hide the idol in Stephen's dress pants. Why are they still letting this moron watch over it?

The challenge was to use a slingshot to break three sets of tiles, which would release sand that would eventually release a sack of puzzle pieces. Quite ingenious, really. I should make one of these in the back yard for the kids.

Tyson and JT went head-to-head. Tyson broke his first tile, followed by JT. JT seemed to be taking his good old time re-loading.

Tyson finished breaking his three tiles first. JT had some bad luck in that, while he broke the tiles, some were not completely shattered, so he was left aiming at partial targets in order to get larger quantites of sand to run out. Tyson, helpfully, offered to break JT's tiles for him. Nice.

Timbera had a decent lead going into the puzzle and managed to keep it. Another Timbera victory!

Back at Jalapao, Joe was nursing a nasty-looking leg infection. Everyone who has Joe as a winner should be collectively gasping. Particularly when someone noted that he had a red streak going all down his leg. I'm no doctor, but that cannot be good.

Joe didn't own up to knowing about the idol clue, but ran off at the first chance he got to check the tree mail idol. Where he found Taj's fake idol. My question was answered. He's bought it hook line and sinker. Still no points for finding a fake immunity idol.

Joe still won't vote Sydney off and even contemplated giving her his "idol".

JT and Stephen considered blindsiding Taj. I personally question this line of thinking. With the merge pending and Jalapao soon to be down two members, they face getting picked off one by one. In this situation it seems to make more sense to keep Taj, who has a relationship with members of the other tribe and who has promised to be aligned with JT and Stephen. Or they could take Sydney because she's hot.

At council Probst asked JT: "Break it down for me, JT...how are things at camp?"

I'm not sure what the heck JT said, but he definitely needed subtitles.

The votes were tallied and Sydney was voted off. I assume Joe was surprised since he didn't seem to give further consideration to sharing his "idol". Kind of a shame. I was hoping for another one of those "You idiot! Can't you tell this is a fake idol!?!" moments. Priceless.

Next week, the tribes merge and the game heads into the next stage as we can look forward to seeing the population of the jury.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivor redux!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 01:04:00 +0000

Tonight's episode was a rehash show of all the spill-over content that didn't make it into the other episodes. So no one was voted off. The Survivor equivalent of a "best-of" episode. When did they quit doing that on sitcoms? I swear they did it no less than twenty times on Happy Days.

Normally I don't blog these episodes, but since I never finished the final episode from the last season, I figure I owe one.

At about five-and-a-half minutes into tonight's show, somewhere in Southwestern Ohio, Machelle Ward said "I told him so! Steven Seagal!!"

For those of you who missed the Survivor celebrity look-a-likes page, and judging by Google Analytics, most of you have, I thought that Coach looked a lot like Liam Neeson. Machelle (currently tied for second place) thought he favored Steven Seagal.

http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivor_celebrity.htm

This week Tyson mentioned that Coach looked like a cross between Steven Seagal and the last of the Mohicans.

Well, I guess this proved one thing. Neither Machelle nor Tyson know what they're talking about :-)

Coach went on to give an analysis on why he was so great. I quit trying to keep notes after the third paragraph. He is that awesome.

Taj indicated that her game plan was to "kill 'em with kindness." I guess that plan ran out of gas around week 4 huh, Taj?

She also went on to indicate that she was not fat, she was muscular. Yeah, table muscle.

The behind the scenes analysis of the tribe's eating habits was amusing.

Tyson reflected on the taste of some Brazilian roots: "They're like God's candy...thanks, God."

Debbie choked down a minnow the size of a politician's integrity: "I can't believe I just chewed up a fish between my teeth!" Imagine how the fish felt about it.

It turns out Sydney was one of the few people in her tribe who could make fire. Makes a little more sense why they've kept her around. It certainly wasn't for her challenge-winning ability.

Coach shared that he was attracted to Tyson...but not in a sexual way!!!! Methinks the man protests too much.

Deb seemed to feel the same. She practically dry-humped the poor guy. Wouldn't leave him alone. I think she's going to have some explaining to do to her hubby when she get's home.

Brendan and Coach had a bench building competition. CBS execs were busy taking notes: "Is there any way we could incorporate this into a challenge that would make it likely that the women would lose their tops?" And her kids. And to the school superintendent she works for.

Coach, ever-stretching his amazing...sorry, awesome, list of talents, performed a solo orchestra that he conducted himself without the benefit of instruments. It was reminiscent of Shane and his driftwood Blackberry a few seasons back.

Erinn's response? "Who is this jackass?" Man, I miss her!

Coach and Tyson had a quiet moment to strategize. Coach told Tyson "I'll never write your name down. I'll never vote you off."

Tyson: "I'm the same way." Heh. That was subtle.

Steven and Brendan spent some time on Exile together. When the rain washed out their fire, they were forced to share body heat to make it through the night. Kinda sounds like a country song. One that you might hear on the soundtrack of Brokeback Mountain.

Steven: "We spooned for all we were worth. But no more cuddling when we get back to the tribe."

I guess he just can't quit him.

See y'all next week on...Survivorfest ! (where I hope someone gets voted the hell off!)

Survivorfest week 5!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 00:38:00 +0000

Spencer stays in, but goes out!

Anyone else think that Stephen has eyes that go in two different directions when he has his glasses off? That must be one heck of an astigmatism.

Taj shared that she wrote Joe's name down last week just because she didn't want to put Sandy's name down. Seems like a good way to get yourself on somebody's bad side for no upside.

Back at camp, Stephen was scratching Taj's back in what might be a metaphor for this season. The way she was moaning, I almost sent my kid out of the room.

Taj and Stephen went searching for the idol. Taj found it where it the Exile Island clues pointed to...in the nether end of the tree mail idol. It was close, as Stephen could have easily found it first and picked up the points. I don't think the Taj owners out there would have been too amused by that turn of events.

Taj had Stephen hide the idol in his shorts pocket and then warned him to keep his shirt over it: "You need to be cognizant that you'll show a lump." That's right. Nobody would expect a bulge in Stephen's shorts. In all fairness, most guys have to practice dealing with that sort of thing throughout high school.

Almost immediately Stephen began thinking about keeping the idol. Be careful who you cross, little man. Big Eddie could kill you with his bare hands. And I'm pretty sure Taj could, too.

Back at Timbera, Sierra read Brendan the riot act about not taking the time to tell her about "the plan". He did confide in her that he found the hidden idol. The plan to cross-alliance with the other tribe seems to be proceeding.

At the rewards challenge, Probst informed the tribes that Sandy was voted out at last council. Coach murmured smugly "it was only a matter of time." Man, you gotta love to hate this guy. Is there anyone else that CBS has a microphone on 24x7?

The challenge was a variation of dizzy bat using a Sit-n-Spin. First tribe to have three members cross a balance beam, while dizzy, would win a visit to, and I'm not making this up, the Charmin Cafe.

First round, Taj went really fast, but fell off the beam and had to start over. Tyson took his time, but made it over first.

Spencer won the second round to tie the match. He said "it's like wearing beer goggles, man." Except that beer goggles involve thinking that a nottie is a hottie. Like if he passed the finish line, got a good look at Stephen and thought "heyyyyyyy, crazy eyes...how you doin'?"

Next round and JT looked like he was ready to hurl. Probst summed it up aptly: "JT looks like he's at the end of a bad Friday night!" I think we've all been there.

JT fell off the beam after approximately half a step, but managed to recover and cross for the win.

In the next round, Sydney shrugged off the dizziness and zipped across the beam, leaving a slow and steady Debbie behind. Jalapao wins reward!

Brendan was chosen to go to Exile Island (again). He chose Stephen to go with him, costing his would-be conspirator to miss out on a special trip to Charmin Cafe.

At the Cafe, Jalapao gorged on pastries, juices and coffee. There was a special toilet set up with a load of, you guessed it, Charmin toilet paper. It looked a little unsavory. I find it hard to believe that I would get psyched up to line up to use a toilet when the rest of the people in the line have been in the wild for several weeks. Possibly "saving up".

In addition to the treats and the toiletries, each of the contestants received family mail.

Spencer cried like a baby, as did Taj.

JT shared that his mother had written that she loved him, which she had only said something like three times in his life. I can picture JT's ma in front of their TV screaming "What?!? I tell that ungrateful little rat I love him all the time! Wait 'til I get my hands on him...we'll see how good he is at surviving!"

Back at Timbera, Coach continued to be melodramatic. While discussing the weather he would say things like "notice the change...in the wind..." and look meaningfully into the breeze.

Turns out that Coach is as good a weatherman as he is a challenge player. His prediction that the storm would miss them ended in a deluge.

Erinn "Coach is kind of a jackass. He wants us to think he's like Survivor man...I halfway expect after the show for him to say 'gotcha. I'm an accountant and I've never left Nebraska'".

Sydney and Spencer shared a quiet moment. Sydney wanted to know whether Spencer had a special girl. I think she was curious why he wasn't hitting on her like the rest of the guys in the tribe.

Spencer decided to keep his sexual preferences to himself, fearing that coming out would make the other good old boys of the tribe want him gone. Unfortunately this could present an interesting conundrum. Sydney is used to getting lots of special attention from the guys. If Spencer doesn't seem interested, then Sydney might be intrigued. If she's intrigued, then the other guys around camp might feel jealous that she's paying special atten...ah, I'm waaaaay over-thinking this.

The immunity challenge was a couple of slingshots where members of the tribes vied to catch the balls in a lacrosse stick. The lacrosse stick is called a cruelle which is a Native American word that means "pain stick".

JT was a machine in this challenge. He caught the first two balls. Of course he had Sierra guarding him. That's a bit like Clara Peller trying to guard Terrell Owens. Er. Clara Peller was the "Where's the Beef?" lady from the Wendy's commercials...ah, never mind, here's a YouTube video for all you youngsters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug75diEyiA0

Joe dinged up his knee. Keep an eye on him. As we've seen, no injury is too trivial in this game.

Brendan caught the next two, thanks to a slow Taj. Odd that those two paired up. Would she help him win to cement their alliance later?

JT caught the next one, but got whacked in the face, causing him to lose part of a tooth. He shrugged it off and tossed the tooth away. He was all like "I got about thirty more". Well, he's from Alabama. Maybe twenty more.

Probst was all over it "Wait, JT, you're gonna want that!" Considering they were probably 300 miles from the nearest dentist (and have you met a Brazilian with good teeth?) I can't imagine why he would. I guess it would be a great auction item for the end of season Survivor charity auction. Heck, I'd bid on it!

JT caught the next one, but then Tyson caught fire, pulling down the next three. JT was really hot at Spencer. He didn't think Spencer was pulling his weight and called him out during the match.

Timbera went on to win immunity!

Okay, time to fess up. I totally made up the word cruelle. It's just something I do every now and again. Like a sickness. In fact, making up words is a sickness. The Latin term is geobushitis. I'm sorry. I did it again. I'm seeking help.

Back at Jalapao, Taj went a little crazy and lit into the rest of her tribe for their poor effort. Strange to hear that coming from someone who caught no balls and whose opponent caught several.

She wasn't having any of it, though "Everybody can kiss my ass!" Actually that is the title of chapter eight in her book: http://www.amazon.com/Player-HateHer-Avoid-Drama-Free-World/dp/0061125725/ref=wl_it_dp?ie=UTF8&coliid=I119V6Q6F45R1W&colid=RLQY2IYMQIRJ .

Joe and JT talked candidly about voting out Taj. Stephen looked about as nervous as Brad Pitt in a jammed elevator with Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.

Spencer came over to see where he stood. JT told him "It's you or Taj". You have to hand it to JT...he always tells the tooth. Heh. Get it? He tell...cause he lost his...sigh.

At council, Spencer lamented his effort at the last challenge. Evidently everyone else agreed and he was voted out in a landslide.

The scoring continues to pile up as the contestants drop off. See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 4!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 02:27:00 +0000

Crazy Sandy checks out!

Back at camp Timbera, Coach was still miffed that his tribe questioned his ability as a leader. He was really cheesed at Erinn: "Erinn would have been voted out almost unanimously if Jerry hadn't been sick!"

Brendan tried to do a little fence-mending of his own by attempting to shift the mantle of leadership (aka the Survivor kiss of death) to Coach. Evidently Coach had come to his senses by this point and deferred. "Everyone, including myself, thinks that Brendan would make a good leader. I want iron that sharpens iron!" Man, how can he talk like that without laughing?

I've decided that Coach is the Survivor equivalent of Dwight Schrute from the Office. Attribute this quote to Coach or Dwight: "Look at me...now look at him. Who looks stronger? I do." You could really hear either of them saying that.

Tyson was less enthusiastic "There was some talk at tribal council about leadership...I wasn't paying attention. I don't really care."

At Jalapao, Taj took Steven aside to explain the Taj/Brendan/Sierra/Steven alliance. Unfortunately at Timbera, Brendan didn't get the chance to talk to Sierra. Considering that part of the plan was to make sure that whichever one got sent to Exile next took the other partner, this could present a problem.

Reward challenge was to have each person hold a pole on their shoulders that would have weight applied at the other team's discretion. Last standing member would win immunity for their tribe.

Taj had her shirt bunched and tied at her crotch. It was verrrrry disconcerting. I think even Eddie was thinking to himself "tie that thing in the back, girl!!"

Jalapao loaded Brendan up to 220 pounds before he dropped out.

Tyson dropped out at 140.

JT managed to stick with 220 for some time before bowing out. That's one strong dude. Historical note: this tied JT with Rupert from Pearl Islands for most weight applied for this challenge. In case you care.

Joe dropped out almost right after.

That left Taj and Debra, battling it out at 100 lbs each. After adding another twenty, Debra dropped out and Jalapao won immunity.

Taj was a great sport, making a point to tell Debra what a great job she did. This seems like a much nicer cast of Survivor than some of the previous season, don't you think?

The tribe chose Sierra (or, more accurately, Taj did). Not knowing that the plan was for her to choose Steven, Sierra took Taj with her.

The other part of winning the reward challenge was that the winning tribe could send two members to the losing tribe's camp to take two items back with them.

I'm not clear why Timbera didn't hustle back to camp and hide a bunch of stuff.

Tyson "you know you need to be nice because you might end up on a tribe with these guys, but I really want to punch them in the head." Always good for a quote, Tyson.

Joe and JT played nice and took only one of the two bags of beans and one water can. The thought was that if they end up having to join that tribe later, they might be happy to still have food.

Back at Jalapao, Sandy gave them both crap for not taking all the food. "If they had 100 guns would you just take 75 guns and hope they won't shoot at you?"

She did like the beans, though: "Them are fartin' beans!" Man, it's hard to believe she's single. Isn't she single? Bah, I'm not even going to bother to look.

At Jalapao, the guys were casting their vote for this season's "hottest survivor". Sydney tried to be modest "Sierra is kinda cute."

JT "Yeah, but she's kinda angry."

This might start the alarm claxon for "cockiness". Normally you worry about winning the next challenge, not who has the cutest tribe.

Sandy noted the flirting and the clothes swapping that was going on. "You better be taking off more than yer bra...you'd better take off yer panties!" I hope she doesn't give the same advice to the kids who ride her bus.

Further she added "if I can't outwit her (Sydney) with my body I'll outwit her with my brain!" I suspect her body has a better chance and I can't believe I just typed that.

At Exile, Taj got the jar with the clue. It spelled out exactly where the idol was (in the tree mail idol).

She also took the time to clue Sierra in on "the plan". Sierra: "I just got goosebumps!"

Back at Timbera, Tyson tried to loosen things up by dressing up in a loin cloth. "I made this myself. Imagine if I bring the loin cloth back to civilized society." That's a look I shall not be sporting. You're welcome.

Erinn shared that before the Survivor season started, she had a really terrible breakup. Who in their right mind breaks up with someone who's just about to go on a show where he/she can win one million dollars?!? Someone who knows she won't win, that's who.

Tyson has written Erinn off. Plus "she'll get really upset when she gets voted off. That'll be really fun." I wonder if Tyson is available for kids parties.

At immunity challenge, Probst said to Sydney "Give it up, Sydney!" Even he's flirting with her!

The challenge was for each member to run down a path to untie a large puzzle plank and return to the start line where the next person goes for another piece. After all pieces are retrieved they would be assembled to form a phrase.

Coach immediately fell way behind Joe. For a soccer guy he doesn't seem to run well. But he can probably say why other people run poorly.

Jalapao kept their lead until Sydney struggled with her knot, letting Timbera catch up and take the lead.

It was nearly even by the time all the pieces were returned. Timbera managed to complete their puzzle first to win immunity.

Looking at Sandy's face I'm sure she was thinking "man we shoulda taken all of them beans!"

Back at camp, Taj indicated of Sydney "we don't need eye candy, we need championships!" She's probably heard Eddie say that a thousand times.

JT said something but it was mostly unintelligible.

Sydney on what she liked about Survivor: "I like being sneaky. I'm not sneaky at home...you can be sneaky in a new place." Even from a cute girl that sounded really creepy.

At tribal council, Sandy still looked like she was "missing the marshmallows from her Lucky Charms". I wonder if she practices that crazy look in the mirror at home.

Asked about what she brought to the tribe she said "I bring a lot of laughs." And not a little fear.

She even gave Probst a saucy little wink that I am 100% sure caused him to shrivel up a little, if you know what I mean.

Probst asked about the clothes-swapping. "JT, did Sydney wear your clothes?"

JT: "Yeah, Jeff, she's wearing my boxers." I think that constitutes marriage in some countries. JT is lucky this isn't Survivor Palau.

Taj indicated she was okay with Sydney getting all the attention because of hers looks. She said "men aren't as attracted to me but I'm okay with that!" Note I have not awarded her points for finding the hidden idol since they haven't showed her actually finding it yet. It has nothing to do with her looks, I promise.

The votes went in and Sandy went out! I'm conflicted. She was a real fruit loop, but was fun to blog about. I just hope to God she doesn't move into my neighborhood.

See you next wek on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 3

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 02:05:00 +0000

Jerry is shipped out!

Back at camp, Timbera reflects on the blindside of Candace. Erinn, who spent a lot of time hanging with Candace, realized that she might be in an awkward position and tried to distance herself.

Erinn: "Just because I spent a lot of time with Candace doesn't mean I was actually WITH Candace. I didn't trust her so I had to hang with her to keep an eye on her." Uh huh.

Coach was having none of it: "She has completely insulted all of our intelligences!" Just hearing him say that made me lose six IQ points.

Does anyone else think that Sierra is dressed like Beetlejuice?

Jerry is sick. Evidently the beans didn't agree with him. Welcome to the club, pal.

Back at Jalapao, the tribe used their fishing equipment to catch some fish.

Joe: "That fish tasted like victory!" Sure, if victory was yellow and slimy and filled with parasites.

Reward challenge was a blindfolded group led by a caller. The blindfolded were to be vocally led through a maze to get buckets to fill with water to fill a larger vat. Then the buckets were to be filled with corn to complete the challenge. Winner would take pillows, blankets and tarps.

Brendan and Jerry were blindfolded and paired and were not taking much direction from Deb. They wandered off into the forest. Seriously, guys, do you know what "left" means?

Jalapao took a big lead on the bucket-finding and water-filling. They quickly made the corn run while Timbera was still trying to fill their first water bucket.

Timbera seemed to be a case of the blind leading the blind. The blindfolded couldn't seem to hear Deb (which was a surprise because I think I could hear her with the TV turned off) and Deb couldn't see what the blindfolded people were trying to do to in order to give direction.

Jalapao won by a landslide.

Brendan was chosen to go to Exile Island again and he selected Taj to join him. That raised some eyebrows. Somewhere in Tennessee Eddie George started to make a few phone calls.

Coach strikes me as one of those guys who talks a big game, consistently underperforms and then freaks out when he loses. Which seems to happen a lot.

After losing the challenge he screamed. "I let out a scream. A primal scream. Which was about one-quarter of what I felt."

Back at camp, Deb stepped up to take the blame, although I doubt she could have yelled much louder. Probably not a good strategy to offer to take the heat this early in the season.

Tyson: "Coach is one of those guys who isn't the best, but likes to think he is..." Hey. I think I just said that.

Coach decided to let Tyson be his "assistant coach". Tyson couldn't have been more thrilled: "If I get moved over to the other tribe I want...I will DEMAND that they call me coach!" I'm starting to like this guy.

At Exile: Taj and Brendan got the choice or urns again. Taj got the clue this time. She walked away from Brendan to read what was on the paper. It said "The person you are with is a criminal...there is a revolver hidden in the crook of a nearby tree. Shoot him and the bomb attached to your leg won't go off". Oops. Sorry, I just released the plot for the next Saw move.

The idol is hidden back at camp, in some woods. Taj shared the clue with her partner.

Back at Jalapao, the tribe was waking after a good night's sleep.

Sandy spoiled it: "I know I'm a sex kitten in the morning!" I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The immunity challenge was to roll crates, in paris, over a finish line. When completed, the teams would stack the crates to form a staircase spelling the tribe name on the side.

Coach is wearing soccer socks. What a dork.

Jerry looks like he's dying.

Timbera finished moving their crates just ahead of Jalapao. Erinn took charge of ordering the placement of the crates. At some point, however, the rest of the tribe decided not to listen to her and they fell behind.

Jalapao completed the staircase and took fish...I mean victory again.

Jerry: "I'm through...I'm finished."

Back at camp Erinn was pretty happy to tell everyone else how sick Jerry was.

Coach was appalled. "Did you see that smile of hers?!?" Demonstrating, he looked a bit like the Grinch. "I am unable to exist around people that are dishonest." He went on to explain that the rest of that rabble was probably used to it, but he was truly above dealing with such scum.

Erinn: "I don't want to be all 'Hey, Jerry's sick', but hey, Jerry's sick!" You're a mean one...Mrs. Grinch....

Tyson suggested to Jerry that he might want to suck it up and at least pretend that he was getting better. Jerry only seemed to manage to roll to an upright position and laugh his goofy laugh.

Tyson: You gotta be strong...you gotta just stick it in there!"

My wife: "That's what SHE said!" Is there any question why I love her?

In the meantime Brendan went to look for the idol. He found it hidden in the skirt of the tree-mail idol. Hidden idol points for Brendan!

Tyson: "Erinn would be fun to watch get blind-sided. I love seeing people cry when I crush their dreams!" I wonder how often he gets to do that...

At tribal council, Probst asked Tyson why Timbera was struggling.

"We got arrogant." When did this happen. Why and how did this happen? Don't you have to win or be good at something to be arrogant?

Erinn explained her role in the crate placement "They didn't listen to me and then things started falling apart." That's a good strategy. The old "if they hadn't been so stupid and if they'd have done what I told them, everything would have been fine" bit.

Jerry indicated that the tribe needed a leader. Got one? Brendan. You could almost see Brendan swallow his tongue when he heard that.

Coach begged to differ: "If Brendan wants to be leader then he needs to take the reigns...I was out there telling people what to do with my eyes!" With his eyes! Imagine what he could have done if he'd used any other part of his body.

Further: "It's not about ego...I'd rather be a good follower! I was just saying how I'm the best leader." I just don't see this guy making it to the end. I think making the jury is a stretch.

The votes were tallied and Jerry was out!

Next week, Tyson gets even wackier!

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest4! - week 2

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:24:00 +0000

The girl from Dayton goes down!

Back from tribal council, Jalapao tries to make fire with their newly acquired flint.

Sandy: "We're gunna have fur!" Where do you pick up an accent like that, Deliverance?

She continued on to make quite an ass of herself, thanking and hugging everyone for keeping her around. I think at least a couple of her tribe were having second thoughts.

They boiled up some unappetizing vegetables that looked a lot like fish sticks. Deciding they needed more protein, they kicked over a termite mound and ate some of the residents. Kinda like Survivor meets Fear Factor.

Sydney: "I wouldn't eat the worm! I'll eat one at a challenge, but not in real life!" Ooooookay. When you find yourself in "real life" you be sure to let us know, honey.

Current count of the number of days I've had like the guy in the Dell commercial who buys a new laptop, gets his ass slapped by cops, kissed by random hot chicks for no reason and has his own parade: 0.

Back at Timbera, Sierra decided to tell Brendan about the hidden immunity idol. Together they found the first clue which was similar to Sandy's. These two didn't seem to have any question about what a "pace" was.

Soon they had dug a hole approximately the size of Pittsburgh. After you hit the five foot mark I think you can safely assume you're not digging in the right place, dude. That should be a Survivor rule of thumb. Might start up a thread on that.

Debbie decided it was time to check on the two since they'd been gone for a long time. When she came upon them in the crater, Sierra claimed that they were digging a fire pit for a party later.

Not only did Debbie buy it, but she was already planning the festivities: dancing, skinny-dipping, body shots...did I mention she's a middle-school principal?

Coach is a real piece of work: "It's my job to find fault with other people..." Evidently when everyone else does it they're just being mean.

Coach and Candace went at it a little over the cooking of rice and beans. Seriously, fighting over starvation-class cuisine on the second day? That's not gonna keep you around in this game.

Coach offered to kiss and make up, choosing instead to lick her neck. Classy.

Taj couldn't wait to tell her tribemates about her famous husband, Eddie George. She played coy with the information for about six seconds. "He's a football analyst...he does college and pro....because he knows so much being a Heisman Trophy winner and a multi-million dollar player and all!"

We'll see how that works out for her. Common folks don't usually feel much empathy with the famous. It's a burden sometimes, I assure you.

Stephen: I have NO idea who Eddie George is. That's okay, Stephen. He's probably never heard of you, either.

Immunity challenge was a good old fashioned game of jungle ball in a shallow pond.

These challenges are my favorite.

Candace immediately went after somebody. I couldn't tell who because she quickly stuffed her underwater and held her there until she passed out. She then took a pass and drained the first basket.

The next group went and Sandy grabbed Erinn from behind by her bikini top and started riding her like a bronco. I swear she's at least a little bit nuts.

Tyson grabbed the rock and put in the second basket for Timbera.

The third group was all women. Taj took over and do like Eddie do. She ran over everyone to take her shot. She should add a chapter to her book called "How to deliver a stiff-arm". Ouch!

Unfortunately she had no hooping skills whatsoever. Sandy eventually recovered the ball and drained it. One score for Jalapao.

JT quickly scored in the next round and Jalapao tied the game. Next basket would win.

The gang looked pretty tuckered out. There was a lot of hugging and slumping going on. It was like a heavyweight fight between two butterballs. Eventually Stephen shed Sierra like an overcoat and calmly knocked down the winning basket.

Jalapao wins! As part of the victory, they chose Brendan to go to Exile Island. As a twist this season Brendan got to choose someone from the winning tribe to join him. He took Taj.

At Exile they each got to choose an urn. Taj's was empty and Brendan's held a clue to immunity. The hidden idol is back at camp. He shared the information with Taj and the two had some nice together time.

Taj is becoming one of my early-season favorites. Maybe it was her line about not playing the game because she needed the money, but because she wanted to win the damn money.

For another twist this season, Brendan can choose at the end of each day if he wants to switch tribes. That should be an interesting option if things go poorly for him.

Did anyone catch what Taj was wiping on her eyebrows? It looked like Chapstick. Is that the new thing? I feel so out of it.

Stephen and JT are a cute couple. They went fishing together.

Stephen: "JT might be seducing me with his pretty country ways, but he's seducing me!" Um. here's a tip from your new pal. Alabama boys don't talk like that. I think they say things like "I wish I knew how to quit you!"

Back at Timbera, Jerry had a chunk missing from his elbow. Not sure how, since he didn't seem to do anything during the challenge.

Candace spent most of her time and energy bad-mouthing Coach. Debbie decided to rat her out.

My daughter: I don't know why they fight like that. I would be nice to everyone and secretly hate everyone...it's what I do at school". Her mother and I are so proud.

At council, Brendan was asked about his time on Exile. He told them about the urns, but fibbed about who got the one with the note. Clever.

The tribe discussed what to do at council that evening. They decided to stick to the plan. Erinn chimed in: "what was the plan again?" I don't see her lasting too much longer.

Coach wanted to blindside Candace: "I make my living off of people trusting me." Hmm.

Sierra: "I haven't found the idol, but I'm still looking behind my back." It's ten paces from the fricking stick, Sierra!

At council Jeff asked Candace how she thought things were going. "I think I'm vibing with the whole group." Since when did vibe become a verb?

Jerry: " I've bonded with this group deeply". I wonder just what in the world he's been up to? I haven't seen him do anything but sit around, chew on a toothpick and chuckle.

Debbie decided to jump in and offer her unsolicited opinion. Why would you do that? It works better when you hope that Jeff ignores you. I question how long she's going to be around, too.

Sierra looked like she was ready to fall asleep at council. Maybe she's still feeling the illness, but she's starting to remind me of Chet from a couple of seasons ago. It wouldn't surprise me if three weeks from now she's begging people to vote her off.

Candace was blind-sided by a landslide. She seemed to go through the classic phases of early-season blindsidedness:

First time her name is read: "Heh. The turkey I voted for put my name down!"
The second time her name is read: "hey..."
The third time her name is read: "Uh oh. So this is why so-and-so suggested I bring my stuff to council and no one else did."
And as the final vote is read: "%&#%&%#!!!"

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 4 - week1!

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 11:47:00 +0000

(Not so) sweeeeeeet Carolin(a)......Forgive me for channeling my inner Neil Diamond. That usually doesn't happen until week 7 or so.

And Survivorfest 4 is off and running! Welcome back those of you who have been here before and a shout out to all of you first timers. Strange...that made me feel almost vaguely vice-presidential.

Probst immediately whipped us into shape at the end of the truck ride to the starting point by letting us know that our Survivors were facing the challenges of deep, dark Brazil where:

Temperatures could surpass 120 degrees
There were spontaneous wildfires
There were few rivers
Said rivers were occupied by wild animals
The local village was actually being run by Jonny Fairplay

Okay, I may have been kidding about the last one.

The tribe had already been split into two tribes (Jalapao and Timbera) which seemed to save the trouble of a random pick of colored stones or a schoolyard pick that usually ended up pointing out who everyone thought the early weak links were.

Oops. Turns out they would have an immediate vote to see which of their new tribemates would be voted out of the upcoming adventure.

Jalapao chose bus driver Sandy because she was old and probably crazy while Timbera elected to cull Sierra because she didn't appear to survive the truck ride.

But before any of you who had either of these two as a "loveable loser" gets too excited, Probst was only kidding. The two weak links would get to chopper to the tribe camp while the rest of the troop had to walk four miles in the grueling heat, carrying all of their supplies.

The supplies came courtesy of whatever each tribe was able to haul out of the truck within 60 seconds. Jalapao started things off on the wrong foot when they ended up with no food and no water. I'm not sure what they ended up getting, but it looked to be eighty pounds of bricks, two-huge sacks of coffee beans and the driver (whose name is Juan and he'd like to give a shout out to his kids, who he hopes to see again if the strange Americans don't end up eating him). Just kidding.

Probst pointed out Jalapao's error in judgment, but Spencer indicated he thought that they'd be "just fine". Evidently he thought no food and no water would be okay. Possibly he is a Breatharian (http://www.angelfire.com/stars3/breathe_light/breatharianism.html) and I am not making that up.

After their initial disappointment (read outrage and belligerence) turned to relief at the prospect of not being voted off and getting to take an expensive, luxury ride, Sandy and Sierra had the campsites all to themselves.

Some quick notes and quotes from the rest of the tribe during the trek:

Taj plans to burn off her baby weight in the hot Brazilian sun on this adventure.

Stephen managed to quickly acquire a hole in the ass side of his pants. There was no adequate explanation, but he did indicate it was "a little something for the ladies back home." Don't all you ladies feel better knowing that?

Carolina wore cowboy boots. It never ceases to amaze me what people choose to wear on Survivor.

Benjamin or "Coach" indicated that he was kind of a man of adventure who was thrilled at the challenges before him and couldn't wait to eliminate the weak so that he could go up against the best of the best like a gladiator of old. It's only week one and I already want to punch him in the head.

At camp Jalapao, Sandy is already crying. That didn't take long. One of these seasons I need to add a category for "first one who cries".

I've come to the conclusion that she reminds me of "Patty the Daytime Hooker" from My Name is Earl. I'll add her to my Survivor/celebrity Look-a-like page a little later: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivor_celebrity.htm

Sandy was presented with a choice: begin setting up camp or look for a hidden immunity idol. Still feeling outcast she opted for the idol and set off searching for the first clue.

Back at Timbera, Sierra had the same choice, but opted to curry the favor of her tribe by setting up a shelter.

When the rest of Jalapao had arrived, Sandy had still not found the first clue. She had spent most of her time muttering to herself, crying and swearing. The tribe was not pleased to discover that she had not been doing anything productive while they were hiking across the wilderness.

Timbera seemed to appreciate the work that Sierra had done for them, although they didn't reach the campsite until after dark.

Back at Jalapao, Sandy kept slipping away from the others to look for the first clue. I think told them she had to "go menopause" so they didn't ask any questions.

She found the first clue which indicated she should take ten paces toward the lone palm tree. This presented a problem for Sandy who apparently didn't know what a palm tree looked like, was fuzzy on what "lone" meant and, for the love of all that's holy, had no idea what a pace was.

Those of you out there with Sandy as "loveable loser" had to feel a tingle of excitement at this point.

Back at Timbera: I'm beginning to think that Sierra only has one eye. She keeps squinting one. Maybe that's why everyone tried to vote her off.

Tyson is awarded points for the first blur as he goes al dente (which is Italian for "showing off one's noodle"). Five points to anyone who had him.

Tyson tells us that he's all about getting the million dollars any way he can because he can't wait to shower himself in expensive jewelry and even a man tiara if such a thing exists.

Fortunately I am blessed with copious amounts of free time to do this sort of research for you. Here is a photo of the owner of "Tiara's For Men": http://www.flickr.com/photos/maeko/3178946918/ His name is Raoul de Googlea and he thinks that all men have the right to wear expensive head jewelry, occasionally use makeup and, when necessary, eschew nose hair trimming.

The challenge was typical Survivor fare: race across sand dunes and water to retrieve puzzle planks that would be sorted to form a staircase. The team would then be faced with a table-top maze that they would need to solve to gain immunity.

Jerry caught my eye early as he seemed to be the last one of the group to the puzzle planks and back to the beach. I think his time serving in Afghanistan might be catching up with him.

Jalapao got a nice lead with the planks and began working the staircase puzzle first. Sandy was chosen to stay back and work the puzzle. I must say, she seemed to sober up at that point and really took to the task. Her tribe started in on the tabletop maze first.

Timbera eventually completed the stair puzzle. Sierra wasn't as crisp as Sandy, but she got the task accomplished. At this point Timbera was able to make up time on the table maze and finished first, claiming immunity.

Back at loser camp, Sandy continued to futilely search for her idol. At this point she seemed to have given up on the clues and was digging holes at random.

Carolina told us that "with every failure there's an opportunity for growth." If her success that day was any indication I would think she'd be taller by now.

At tribal council Probst flat out asked Sandy "are you a little crazy?" She cackled in the affirmative. You could almost hear him thinking "great, just what I need...another stalker."

Carolina indicated that sometimes her directions can come across as a little whiny. Great. I always like it when people tell me what to do but make it sound like they're complaining about it.

Carolina was first voted off and is our "Loveable Loser" with ten points dutifully awarded.

And with that we're off and running for the fourth season of...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 11

woltermann@yahoo.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 02:09:00 +0000

Crystal finally outruns the only thing she can...her luck.

Back at camp, Matty was very unhappy to find out that Kenny was using him as a backup plan in case Corinne had an actual immunity idol.

Kenny: "I have been calling the shots...I am the mastermind!"

Matty agreed: "Kenny's the mastermind!" I prefer to think of him as more of an opportunistic rodent.

Crystal weighed in: "I regret not writing Matty's name down. That might be the stupidest move I've made in this game." With so many stupid things to choose from, that must be hard to say.

Bob fessed up to Kenny that the idol they thought Corinne might have was one of his exceptional fakes. Kenny was very upset that he was deceived and actually made Bob feel bad enough to promise to give him immunity if he should win it at the next challenge.

The reward challenge involved running through a swamp to grab a ball, running back through the swamp, shooting the ball through a basketball-type hoop and then returning for another ball. First contestant to hit three baskets would win reward.

Heh. Kenny runs like a rag doll.

Crystal should star in a movie called "She Ain't Got Game." Seriously, how can someone be so awful at every single challenge? And did I mention she's an Olympic athlete?

Matty sunk his first two balls quickly, but seemed to freeze up when trying to sink his third ball. Bob, who was retrieving his balls at a fairly leisurely pace, came back and calmly sunk this third and final ball to win the reward challenge.

During this time, Crystal spent the entire challenge failing to make a single basket. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2004 Olympic gold medal winner!

Bob was allowed to take two people with him to the reward trip. He chose Crystal and Kenny for reasons that weren't particularly obvious to me. Susie was sent to Exile Island.

The reward started out with a nice meal and what appeared to be mojitos, followed by a shower and some clean clothes. Muumuus, actually.

Bob looked ridiculous. Kenny seemed to enjoy his new threads: "They've even got pockets!" Ah, soon it will be known as "gamer wear".

After dressing the three were treated to a trip to a gorilla rescue station. It was a little disappointing, honestly. They didn't get to frolic with the gorillas or feed them or even fight to the death in a cage match. It was a little like a trip to the zoo.

Back at camp, Matty was chastising Sugar over her recent relationship with Kenny and Crystal: "You're the evil 3!"

He even tried to get her to give him the idol. You know, just because she should feel bad about being evil.

When Crystal and Kenny returned from reward they took turns laying into Matty. I'm not really sure why. I guess all that eating, sleeping and hanging around with gorillas pissed them off.

Sugar felt so badly about the two of them kicking Matty while he was down that she started to...you guessed it: cry. I think Sugar is the biggest crier in Survivor history.

The Immunity challenge was a puzzle that was completed on one end that the contestants would have to replicate with unassembled pieces at the other end of an obstacle course. While blindfolded.

Matty's strategy was to retrieve all three puzzle packets and make his way to the other end of the course to start working.

Crystal's strategy appeared to be to wander off and get lost. Possibly to be eaten by wild animals with any luck.

After several prompts from Jeff, Crystal eventually managed to find her way back to the obstacle course, to which Probst yelled: "Crystal, miraculously, is almost there!"

Bob finished first, but didn't complete his puzzle correctly.

Susie chose this time to wander off into the savannah. How is she still in this game?

Kenny finished, but also didn't have all the pieces right.

Bob finished again, and this time had the pieces placed correctly to win immunity!

Back at camp, Kenny plotted to take Bob's idol, as Bob promised, and then vote him off. What a bastard!

In practice, this plan seemed to hit a snag as Bob appeared to have second thoughts. Rather than reneging, he altered his agreement with Kenny to be that he would give him the idol if he thought that it was likely that Kenny would be voted off.

Sugar didn't like being part of the "evil 3" and ratted out Kenny's plan to Bob. She then went on to tell Kenny and Crystal that she related to Bob that everyone was planning to vote off Kenny. Tricky.

When Matty tried to put in his two cents Sugar shushed him and told him to "let her do the thinking." I don't know about you, but when I let someone named after a sweetner do the thinking for me, I expect mixed results.

At tribal council we were treated to Randy's new haircut. A mohawk. Strangely, it made him look about fifteen years younger. And even angrier.

Probst extolled the virtues of Bob's recent success. When asked his opinion, Kenny said "He's strong, he's smart, he's agile...he's Bob." I gotta tell you, after the first 4-5 weeks I don't think I would have believed that I would hear anyone say that about Bob. Maybe he is worthy of a Yau-Man comparison now.

Probst explained that anyone possessing a hidden idol would need to play it at that council. He reminded everyone that only legit idols would be accepted, since there have been occasions where people have been fooled into playing false idols. In the resulting closeup, Randy appeared very close to ripping off his own ears. he wouldn't have any trouble finding them without any hair on the sides of his head.

I'm amused to note how easy it is to read Crystal. She either has this sneaky, smarmy look when things are going according to plan or she has this petulant, about-to-cry thing going when something unexpected is happening.

Bob decided to keep his idol, declaring that he didn't believe Kenny to be in any danger of being voted off. Sugar gave her idol to Matty after the vote, which turned out to be fortuitous.

The first two votes read were for Matty and were discarded. The next three were for Crystal, sending her to the lodge with some of her very best friends.

She took it much better than I would have guessed.

This Sunday is the final episode for the season! Glenda has a small lead at this time. Let's see if she can keep it!