Incredulous

Survivorfest8 week 6!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 00:09:00 +0000

Krista versus Matt on Redemption Island!

The challenge was a bit...sucky? Grappling hook to pull back three bags to collect one ball to run through a table maze? Pretty lame. Krista gave Matt a run for his money, however. For a while it almost looked like Matt was trying to throw the game.

Back at camp, Natalie and Ashley engaged in some Survivor grooming in the form of armpit hair plucking. It's the seedier side of Survivor camp life you just don't hear much about.

Sarita seems to have a gum infection from jabbing herself with a dirty stick while trying to clean her teeth. Man, where do I sign up for this show!?!

Phillip is back off the meds for this week's show. He's ready for a throw down, drag out fight with Ashley over camp duties and why they won't pluck his armpit hair.

Ashley's starting to come across as someone who can't hide it when she gets irritated at someone, which might not bode well for her long term status.

Tribe Rob really kicked the snot out of tribe former-Russell, didn't they? Grant abused Mike like a rented mule.

Ralph was a big help "Throw it ta meeeeeeeee!"

Dave even more so: "You guys gotta catch it!!!"

Grant found another idol clue at the reward picnic and was studying it with Rob when Phillip busted them. Phillip immediately dubbed the three a secret alliance and gave them all special code names. I couldn't even make stuff like this up. If they don't bring Crazy Phillip back for another season I'll be really disappointed.

How about an All-Crazy Survivor? What are your favorites? Mine would be Phillip and Coach. The two of them together would be over the top!

Dave is starting to sound like a real ass hat at the other camp. I find him conceited and obnoxious and I only listen to him for a few minutes a week.

They're all tired of losing, tired of Sarita complaining and tired of having Stephanie around. Mostly tired of Stephanie as it turns out, and they voted her off. She'll run into the Matt buzz-saw at the beginning of next week's episode. I double dog dare someone to pick her for their weekly survivor kicker!

See you next week on....Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 5!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 01:33:00 +0000

Survivorfest week 5!

Matt and Kristina squared off on Redemption Island. The challenge was a cube puzzle. I swear I'd never last two minutes in Survivor the way the last few seasons have been. Nothing but puzzles, puzzles and more puzzles. What happened to challenges that involved swimming relays, feats of strength and women's mud wrestling?

The most entertaining part was Matt's dialogue with the observing Boston Rob while he was absolutely laying out Kristina. I think Rob's pretty smart and he is at least a little worried about what will happen if Matt makes his way back into camp.

Turns out that Kristina sucks at puzzles, too. Out goes the third person this season.

I like how Probst tries to keep the contestants all jazzed up: "The winner gets to continue to fight for a chance to win a million dollars..." I just wish he would have added: "The loser has to spend the next three weeks hanging out with Russell at the Survivor Cabana for Early Season Losers!"

Is it just me or does it seem like someone has started to slip Phillip his medication? He seems almost normal compared to where he was at mentally the past two episodes. How disappointing. He only pranced around in his plum-colored undies spear-hunting crabs a little.

It was a cold night and the tribe had to huddle together for warmth which led to this interesting exchange.

Rob: "That dahn Phillip slept with his knee jammed inta my back awl night!"

Grant: Um. Dude...that wasn't his knee."

The challenge was a somewhat familiar one...a caller led his/her blindfolded tribe through a maze to collect bags of, you guessed it, puzzle pieces. The caller then had to solve the puzzle.

Boston Rob called and solved the puzzle for his tribe, Stephanie for hers. Turns out Stephanie is none too good at word puzzles. I guess they didn't practice that much at Manson Manor. Didn't want to skip mad stabbing 101, no doubt.

Boston Rob seems to have really improved his game. He completely owns his tribe, has a hidden immunity idol and practically owns the portions of the challenges he participates in. It'll be interesting to see if he can see the blind side when it comes.

Back at camp Rob, Grant and Rob notice an idol clue hidden in the coffee. Rob played it masterfully. He managed to swap that clue with the first one he used to find the idol and even helped Glen hide it.

Back at camp Russell-no-More they blamed a fun game of blamestorming over the lost challenge. They eventually concluded that Stephanie is an idiot. Dave concluded that from that point on, he would be responsible for all puzzles. PERIOD! I can't wait to see how this explodes into tragedy.

I'm telling you that weeks of hunger take their toll and make people who they truly are...Dave is going to turn into a real ass very, very soon.

Anyone else find themselves wondering if Julie could hide an immunity idol in her dimples? There's an Internet rumor going around that Johnny Fairplay will spring out of one of them just in time for the merge.

Tribal council was pretty lame. The only mystery was which of Russell's coven would end up getting smacked down by Matt on Redemption Island the next morning. Strangely it ended up being Krista.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 4!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 02:49:00 +0000

Survivorfest week 4!

Russell was none too pleased to hit Redemption Island and find Matt waiting for him instead of Francesca. I think he might have just been uncomfortable with all of the praying.

Phillip is still loony. On today's show he kept himself busy by sweeping the dirt around camp at the crack of dawn. I'm starting to wonder if CBS hit up a few mental institutions in their search for "engaging characters". Stay tuned for next season when they turn up the dial from "harmful only to himself" to "should not be allowed access to sharp implements at any time".

Does anyone else watch Russell and his two women slaves and think of Charlie Manson? I think Sarita's grandmother might have been Squeaky Fromme.

With Russell doing hard time on the Island, the two Russell-ettes realized they were on the outs with the rest of their tribe and declared that they needed to find an immunity idol to stay in the game. They then went sunbathing.

In the meantime Ralph fessed up to his alliance that he had found the hidden idol Russell Hantz-style. And like a true Russell, he just couldn't keep it to hisself.

The Redemption Island challenge started and Matt went head to head with Russell. A true good versus evil match-up if there ever was one.

Despite a false start with his challenge Matt went on to beat Russell and send him home. I'm not sure what disturbs me more...seeing the ultra-disruptive Russell go home so early in the game or watching him weep like a small child. Seriously. It was like going to hell and finding out Satan has a Precious Moments collection or something.

Not to be untrue to his nature, Russell went down bitching. He called out everyone in his tribe for throwing the challenge just to get rid of him and mis-playing the game.

Ralph fessed up to finding the idol and started to pull it out of his bag to show it as proof until Russell reminded him how stupid he was being. Ralph then claimed he was just foolin'. Too late, Ralph. Maybe it's best that Russell is gone. I think he might have Ralph's number.

Phillip, not to be outdone, declared that his super secret government skills detected that Ralph was fibbing. He made sure to let Probst know in case he missed it.

Back the the other camp, Boston Rob faked intestinal distress while the tribe was playing games and went back to find the hidden immunity idol. I think at this point maybe CBS should quit giving out clues to these things and should just start hiding a handful like Easter eggs. I don't think people really need them any more. Ralph found his with no clues. Russell in the past few seasons found about ten. Boston Rob found one that had a clue something like "it's hidden in the jungle somewhere."

Phillip came back to camp with a plan to use what he learned as leverage to keep Christine in the game so that there would be at least one weaker link than him. Four seconds after he saw Rob he blabbed everything including his last secret government mission, his high school locker combination and his mother's social security number. I think that, under torture, he might be able to come up with secrets that he doesn't actually even know!

Phillip has become such a cartoon character that I firmly believe that CBS has taken Rob aside and had the following conversation:

CBS guy: Hey, Rob! Great game so far, buddy!

BR: Um. Hey, what's up? Should you be heah talkin' ta me?"

CBS guy: "Oh, sure. We've arranged for a tropical storm to keep the rest of your tribe over on the other side of the bay. Plus you told them to stay."

BR: "Yeah, dey do dat pretty good."

CBS guy: "So the network was hoping that you could...y'know...keep old Phillip around for a while. His crazy antics are great for ratings."

BR: "Ah you kiddin' me?!? He actually started humpin' my leg while I slept las' night!"

CBS guy: "No, yeah, we get it...we were concerned something like this might happen when he quit taking his medication..."

BR: ""Say what...?"

CBS guy: "No, it's fine. As long as no one actually makes eye contact or tries to take food from him, everything will be okay. Wait, you haven't seen any dogs on the island, have you?"

BR: "Dogs? Naw, no dogs..."

CBS guy: "Whew! Good! We can't afford to staff our PETA complaint line after last season. So anyway, we'd reallllllly appreciate it if you could...you know...kinda not vote Phillip off. At least for a while."

BR: "The dude is whacko, man! Dere is nothin' dat you can say that would make me wanna keep him around five more seconds!"

CBS guy: "How about if you replace Jeff Probst in two seasons. We're pretty sure he's going to make a run as a Republican presidential candidate."

BR: "I would love to keep my man Phillip around. You have no ideah how nice and clean the camp flooh has been dis past week!

Or something to that effect.

At the challenge Ometepe went on to prove that there was life without Russell by winning the immunity challenge.

Phillip gave his traditional post-loss pep talk. Everyone loves those.

The votes went in and Christine was sent to Redemption Island. That's at least two more week of Crazy Phillip, folks!

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 8 week 2!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:35:00 +0000

Good lord, won't they send ANYone home this season!?!

Francesca settled in on Redemption Island, surrounded by the skeletons of Johnny Fairplay, Coach the Dragonslayer and Boston Rob's wife Amber. Seriously...why does else would she keep letting Rob out of the house for months at a time?

She struggled to make fire, although she had a lantern with her...that had...fire...in it...

Phillip loves him some Boston Rob. Rob seems to recognize crazy when it hugs him tightly.

The next morning Phillip, assuring his status among the pantheon of crazy Survivor types, went spear hunting for one inch crabs. Surprisingly, he got one.

At camp Zippity-Doo-Dar, Ralph was showing off some crazy of his own. He managed to find a hidden idol while he was out looking for big rocks. 5 points for Ralph-owners!

I need to update my Survivor look-a-like page because I think Ralph is a dead ringer for Randy Quaid.

Matt seems to be irritating his team. In addition to lots of religiousness he showed good sportsmanship when they lost yet another immunity challenge to team Russell. What an ass.

Russell spotted a clue to the idol in the reward basket on the way back to camp and slipped it into his pants. Ralph spotted him and went on to call him on it. Russell denied that he had a clue. Ahem.

Back at camp Amoeba, Phillip addressed the losing tribe, as was his tradition. He had a "special" meeting with Rob who told him that at the appointed hour he would indicate the person to be voted off by placing his hand on the person's shoulder at tribal council. It was all very Judas like.

Phillip rewarded him with a big, crazy man hug that lasted entirely too long.

Matt and Andrea were getting entirely too chummy so Rob dictated the tribe to oust one of them.

Kristina played her immunity idol.

Rob betrayed Kristina just before the vote.

Phillip voted as he was told: "This is for you and your friend (Franchesqua) lying about me and besmirching my honor...and because Rob told me to vote like this."

Matt was the odd man out and will join Francesca on Redemption Island where we can only hope that someone will get the boot.

Everyone gets a point for making it through another week.

For the Survivor kicker, everyone is still in play and we'll go yet another week before I'll need another name from anyone playing.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 8 - week 1: Off and running!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 13:02:00 +0000

Welcome back to another season of....Survivorfest!

This season is starting out a little different since it has a "Redemption Island". Based on this, gameplay will be slightly different. I will only be removing a player from the game when they are GONE gone. Based on this, Francesca is not our Loveable Loser. At least not yet.

Since she still is "in the game" and can potentially win, she hasn't yet been eliminated. Based on this same logic, no one has been eliminated from the Survivor kicker pool. Many of you Francesca-lovers should draw a sigh of relief.

As usual I'll post weekly results on the leaderboard along with whomever was voted off: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivorfest8.htm Let me know if I have any of your picks listed incorrectly.

Now, on to potentially relevant but more likely immature musings on the opening night show:

Looks like I called Phil right in my pre-season bio: http://www.woltermanns.com/Survivorfest/Survivorfest.8.bios.htm he seems to be comprised mostly of an offal-based substance. I hope like heck he stays in the game for a while, however. He absolutely kills me.

Some early Survivor Hall of Fame Quotes:

"I am a former federal agent!"
"I love women! I'm really good with girls!"
"My mouth is dry, but I've been getting treatment!"
"If I stand here in my fuchsia tightie underwear and tell you that I am telling the truth, then, on my honor as a former federal agent, you can be assured that there is not a greater truth to be told!"

Okay, I made that last line up but you must admit it sounds rather plausible.

Phillip is a cartoon character.

Matt the genius showed up for the game in a suit. Genius. Hah! It looks like it didn't even fit.

I loved the reception that Rob and Russell got when they arrived on the beach:

"Yeaaaaa! It's Boston Rob!"
"Oh. It's...Russell. Drat."

Speaking of Russell, it looks like he got hisself a fancy new tattoo! I'm not sure, but I think it's a tattoo of himself.

Kristina took a page from Russell's book and went out and found an idol, winning any Kristina owners 5 points. Those CBS guys have GOT to start hiding them better. She made one of the first cardinal sins of Survivor and told people she found it.

I spotted the first blur from Natalie the pole dancer (another 5 points!). I think she might be wearing her underwear backwards. If you believe someone else was sporting a blur earlier than Natalie's walk up the beach, please shout out before next week's show airs and I'll check the DVR.

Russell's tribe (Zapatera?) seems to be more physically inclined than Rob's and won the first challenge.

Kristina was ready to use the idol to blindside Rob early but Phil, for reasons that are somewhat unclear, decided to blab literally everything at tribal council. He hung Francesca and Kristina out to dry in one of the most awkward tribal councils I've ever seen.

Francesca ended up on the raw end of the vote and was moved to Redemption Island. We'll see how long she sticks around.

Since no one was completely removed from the game, all players received a point for surviving the first week of the show.

See you next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 10!!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 18:09:00 +0000

Queen Brenda meets the guillotine!

Fresh from tribal council, Brenda and Sash are revelling in their role as King and Queen of the game. Brenda weighed in with this Hall Of Fame quote: "We're like the king and queen of Survivor...well, Sash is more like the queen..." I thought we had that whole straight/gay thing figured out weeks ago, thanks to Shannon!

Holly has begun to see the writing on the wall. She's come a long way in my opinion since the early days. I love to see someone trying to improve their position in the game rather than just playing along, doing what they're told and hoping someone will invite them into the final vote. I really hate that a few people have actually won a million dollars that way because it encourages others to do the same thing.

Jane also sees trouble on the horizon. She began speaking to NaOnka about clearing house with Brenda or Sash. Ironically she said "I hate playing with villains! I don't like 'em in real life and I don't like 'em in this game!" You're speaking with NaOanka, lady! She stole your food, stole Fabio's socks, cursed out Marty and abused a handicapped woman!

Before heading to the reward challenge the tribe decided to protect the campfire by blocking all sides of it with their wooden chests filled with supplies. Hmmmm. Do they understand how fire works? Cue ominous background music, because this won't end well.

The reward challenge was to have two teams travel across an expanse of sand using only barrels and planks. If any of the team touched the ground, they would need to begin again.

The teams were divided by schoolyard pick. Oddly they didn't show the pick taking place. I'm always enthralled by who gets picked first and last and the thoughts of the "captains". Alas, we didn't get to see any of that.

Chase, Jane, NaOnka, Fabio and Kelly had immediate success eschewing the use of all the barrels. They quickly made their way across the sand while the other team struggled to make it a few feet. To add to the disaster they also fell off and had to restart.

Further, Prost was off the drink again and spent most of the challenge mocking them:

"Dan can barely crawl on his two bad knees!"
"Dan smashes his hand!"
"Nice strategy, Brenda...that'll work...for about a minute."
"Benry makes the ceremonial loser's dismount!"

The reward was to visit an active volcano and slide down the edge of it. That doesn't really sound like a reward. Surviving the active volcano, maybe.

They appeared to enjoy the slide, however, suited up in hazmat outfits, goggles and traveling at about 10 mph over a gravel like surface that would easily rip flesh from bone. Where do I sign up?

Afterward the group enjoyed a picnic of pizza, soda and brownies. Probably tasted extra yummy with all the ash floating around.

They had a nice chat about who was running things at camp. Fabio was surprised to learn that Brenda was in charge. Really, dude? You know it's not still Marty, right?

When confronted with the plan to oust Brenda, he was impressed: "Wow...that's for real for real..."

You could tell that this made Fabio think hard because he kept rubbing his chin in that way that dullards like to do to make them look smart and contemplative.

Back at camp, the remainder of the tribe learned that wood does, in fact, burn. The campsite they had left had been reduced mostly to ashes. Personally I suspect the cameramen, but I can't prove it.

Brenda: "How did that happen!?!" One of the mysteries of the universe, I guess.

To the tribe's credit, no one started blaming anyone for what has to be one of the silliest mistakes in Survivor history.

Even when the rest of the tribe returned, they took the turn of events pretty well.

Chase couldn't wait to get back so he could squeal about the plan to his pal Brenda.

"I trust Brenda! I put my game plan in her." Um, okay. I guess every man has a name for it...Hadn't heard that one before.

Chase's diarrhea of the mouth continued. Not only did he squeal to Brenda, but he pretty much told everyone that he did it, too.

Immunity challenge was of the endurance variety. Hold onto a rope at an angle until you can't take it any more and then you fall into the water that Fabio peed in.

Sash and Kelly (why-is-she-still-purple?) were out almost immediately. Usually the tiny, thin girls do best at challenges like these, but Brenda, Kelly and Sash were out pretty quickly.

Chase and Benry started howling at each other, which was kind of funny.

It came down to Chase and Jane to see who was the better man. Jane was going to give in, but Probst laid into her about not being a sissy. Plus Chase kept wanting to talk about his feelings and that just made her angry.

In the end Chase fell out first and Jane won immunity again.

At council, Brenda was truly playing the part of queen. She indicated that she had no interest in voting Marty out, but since her alliance desired it, she averred. She also refused to "scramble" or votes once she found out that her name was at the top of everyone's list.

She mentioned that Nay seemed to be at the front of it all and how disappointed she was that her friend had betrayed her.

Probst prodded Nay on why she did it. Nay, ever petulant, claimed it wasn't her idea and tried to throw Chase under the bus.

Probst asked Kelly what her 20 years of wisdom told her about the situation: "My twenty years of wisdom, yeah. I think that....Um....I'm learning things!" I suspect Kelly took a special, shortish bus to school. Chances are it was purple.

The votes went in and everyone with the exception of clueless Kelly and her queen voted for Brenda.

Next week: Kellie reveals what she has learned...hot fire can burn things! Next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 9!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 22:21:00 +0000

Marty Farty hits the road!

Fresh from tribal council, NaOnka reveals that she thinks that Marty was too hard on Jane. She couldn't believe that he was all up in her grill and stuff. It's not like he threatened to rip off her prosthetic leg and throw it in the fire or something. Sheesh.

Jane has officially dubbed Marty as Mr. Farty. I think that really says it all.

Marty tried to rally the troops around a new plan of action: Get Jane. Really, that was about it. Not much of a plan, really, just get her. Get her good.

Jane thinks that he's just worried for his own safety in the game. I had trouble following this metaphor "Marty's gotta noose around his neck waiting for the hatchet man to come cut the rope." Um. Wouldn't that be good news? I know if I were hanging by a noose I'd want someone to come along and chop it...

The reward challenge was an obstacle course patterned after the Three Little Pigs. One wall was made of straw, one of bamboo sticks and one of bricks. There were some obstacle courses to crawl through on the way to each wall. The first team through each wall and obstacle would collect keys to unlock a series of padlocks. Winning team would get a zipline tour of Nicaragua and a barbecue.

They did a random draw and oddly the teams came out men versus women. There was a collective slapping sound from the boardroom at CBS. Just when I think they don't rig these things....

Chase was the odd man out. He was given the opportunity to pick which team he thought would win and would join them on reward if he was correct. He chose to side with the women.

The women held up pretty well through the straw wall. The men took a distinct advantage at the bamboo wall, and it was all over but the shouting by the time they reached the brick wall.

Jane completely ran out of gas on the way to the brick wall. Even if they had the time and the bulk to break through I suspect they would've had to carry her to the finish line.

Afterward the men were given the option to swap one of their team for one of the women who they thought "deserved' the trip. That seemed kind of stupid. I can't conceive of any reason why anyone on the team would willingly sit out the reward. Plus, how would the team know who on the other team "deserved" to go when they were obviously too busy performing their own challenge to notice. Makes no sense.

Needless to say, they declined.

Was Chase a fool for siding with the women for such a difficult challenge? Of course not, because he was thinking with little Chase! If the women won, he would enjoy reward with a bunch of women. If they lost, he got to go back to camp, you guessed it, with a bunch of women! Young, single men are trained to think this way. In many ways, he is a hero.

As always, too much of a good thing is rarely a good thing. Back at camp Chase began to turn into a woman. He kept asking Brenda about her feelings and wondered why they didn't talk any more...serious loss of man points.

At the reward, the men enjoyed the high altitude zipline. Except Dan, who looked like he was ready to have a coranary.

At the barbecue Mr. Farty was back to his Get Jane plan. I think if we put Marty on Breast Cancer Awareness we might have that stuff stamped out in a couple of months.

The Immunity Challenge was a memory game. I figured this would appear in an old versus young season, but several weeks too late to do most of the oldies any good. Probst showed a series of images in order and the players were to repeat them one at a time.

Jane and Nay washed out almost immediately when they couldn't remember their own names. I think Nay knew, she just didn't want to be Probst's bitch.

Dan was out when he displayed an image that wasn't event included in the series. I can only assume he didn't check it before he showed it. He really should have been out three or four weeks ago.

The gang whittled down to Brenda and Marty. Marty seemed to be keeping pace with some sort of Rainman routine. Brenda had that memory thing that makes me think she doesn't forget ANYthing. Eventually Marty slipped up and Brenda won immunity.

Back at camp, the scheming began. There were the usual obfuscations about who would be voting for whom. This led to a wonderful exchange between Fabio and Benry, who were discussing how to "lay low" that week.

Fabio: "I hate playing stupid so much. But I guess that's the smart thing to do..."
Benry: "It's easy!"

Marty went around spreading the word that Nay was going home so he could try to blindside Jane. Really, Mr. Farty? After the hissy fit you threw the night before, no one is buying it.

Marty told Brenda the Get Jane plan. He also mentioned that it was Sash's idea.

Brenda asked Sash what his plan was and he said "my plan is whatever your plan is..." I'm glad someone in this game is thinking.

Dan spent the whole day looking perpetually shocked by everything he saw and heard. I suspect he was just amazed that he was still in the game. I know I am.

At council, Probst asked about the whole stealing food thing. NaOnka indicated that she wasn't there to talk about the past. She declared herself a "humanitarian" which I believe she meant as an excuse for fallibility. Or maybe she was just getting reallllllly hungry if you know what I mean.

Nay also mentioned her disgust of all things Marty. His hair, his walk, the way he uses up oxygen. It really digressed into f-bombs and fingers at that point.

I think if NaOnka can survive this tribal council behaving like this, she's a sure-fire candidate for the final three. She would literally have to murder someone at this point in order to get voted out. And even then it might depend on who she killed.

The votes went in and Mr. Farty went out in a landslide.

Next week, NaOnka takes a dump in everyone's sleeping bags! And still doesn't get voted out!

Survivorfest week 8!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 03:23:00 +0000

Alina's flame is snuffed!

This week's episode opened with the scene of a dead sea turtle getting picked apart by a flock of birds and a wild-eyed Naonka.

An only slightly less disturbing image of Fabio doing his tree mail dance soon followed. "Uncle Fabio has some treeeeee mailllllllll!" Add thirty years to him, put on some too-tight plaid trousers and a bad toupee and he would be the kind of uncle that you wouldn't leave your kids with.

Tree mail hints at a merge. Alina started suggesting some strategies around the camp fire. Almost immediately everyone's eyes glazed over. It reminds me of when I lecture my kids about leaving the door to the garage open.

True to tree mail, today is the merge! They dropped their buffs and donned new ones.

The traditional treasure chest was chock full of food, cooking supplies and, strangely, rum.

Fabio: "We have to drink all this today!" Yup. Uncle Creepy in the basement with Jimmie playing "what would you do for a quarter?".

Marty suggested the name for the new tribe: Libertad which is, of course, Spanish for "only well drinks are on special today."

Nay quickly began sneaking bits of food into her undergarments for a snack a little later. At this point I'm hoping for a random gorilla attack. She'd be like a noisy pinata...keep beating on her and little treats come out!

Brenda and Nay caught each other up on the latest gossip from both camps. Even Nay can't believe that Marty was dumb enough to give Sash his idol. And this from someone with bits of crackers stuffed in her drawers.

Chase and Jane decided they were cut from the same denim cloth. Evidently both of them hail from North Carolina, both like animals (live or dead) and both of them talked like an extra from the Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo.

Marty saw this and was none too happy. He weighed in with this Survivor Hall of Fame Quote: "that good ol' boy crap spreads like cancer!" Agreed. Nothing dissolves team relations like infamous southern hospitality. For an example look no further than the Civil War. Case closed.

Nay became angry when she didn't get her share of something they were cooking so she felt entitled to start swiping more things from the food supply. By the end of the day she had pilfered approximately 1 jar of flour, 2 pans and bowls, a working hibachi grill and Wolfgang Puck. Unfortunately for her, Holly spotted her making off with Puck.

Evidently Nay had some pangs of guilt and assuaged them by telling Alina what she had done and sharing her ill-gotten food.

The fun came to an end when Fabio realized there was a bunch of stuff missing and called a family meeting. After much wailing and moaning Holly decided it might be worth mentioning that she had seen Nay stuffing enough food into her bag to feed Kirstie Alley. Sherlock Fabio put two and two together.

Naonka denied everything. She admitted putting some things into her bag, but she, naturally, put them right back. It was the putting-back that Holly had managed to miss. She was so indignant about being accused that she refused to discuss the matter any farther and stalked off into the jungle with Wolfgang Puck trailing behind her.

Alina convinced her that it might be in her best interest to not assume that the rest of the tribe were complete morons, and she fessed up. I found it amusing that she subtlety dragged Alina under the bus with her.

Marty was really angry with Nay. I think if she had pulled this two weeks later when they were really hungry he might have actually gotten very Lord of the Flies with her. But alas, cooler heads prevailed and the tribe all agreed to blame Alina.

Sash was pretty excited about the whole thing. He realized that if Nay managed to stick it out until the final vote that no one would give her a million dollars.

He confided to her "You're my #1 girl here." to which she replied "ditto." I'm not sure if she meant that she was her own #1 girl or if it was a Sash-slam. Either way it's kind of funny.

Immunity challenge was an endurance challenge. Each member would hold an iron rod with a metal holder that would have to have continuous outward pressure applied. Last man and woman to drop their rods would win immunity. Yes, I'm aware how deliciously naughty that last bit sounded. Oh, behave!

The challenge commenced and Kelly and Dan were out almost instantly. Really, Dan? You're clearly a weight lifter, dude! It's time to man up!

Brenda, Benry, Sash, NaOnka and Holly soon followed. Jane won the challenge for the women. She was having such a good time with it that she decided to stay with it to see if she could beat the men as well. Personally I thought Probst should have made it interesting at that point and offered her up a car or a dream date with Russell Hantz if she could pull it off.

Marty dropped out, followed by Chase. Fabio won for the men! After he released his grip Jane finished her emasculation.

Individual immunity points for Jane and Fabio owners.

Back at camp Dan told Marty to be sure to wake him up to let him know who he was voting for this week. How is this sad sack still in the game?

The tribe seemed split between getting rid of Marty or Alina. It seemed like everyone was really leaning toward Alina until Marty got wind that he might be on the outs and made such an ass of himself trying to convince everyone that he should stay that they got really irritated with him.

At council Marty asked if he could have a few minutes to speak and then gave a dissertation on why he should stay and someone else, preferably Jane or Alina, should go.

He went on to complain about Jane and Chase and their snooty South Carolina ways ("that's North Carolina, you mo-ron!").

Marty upped the ante by claiming that if Jane made it to the final vote that he would vote for her. Interesting strategy for getting rid of someone.

They discussed the food stealing. NaOnka indicated that she felt forced into taking the food because no one would talk with her. And how is this sociopath still in the game?

Benry called Alina a "100% Grade-A dirt squirrel". What in the world did this girl do to these people that CBS didn't show us? And what the hell is a dirt squirrel?

Google defines it as:

1. a female of questionable character 2. a female with a scandalous sexual past 3. a dirty dirty slut

The votes went in, and Alina went out. She is now the first member of the jury.

Probst warned the remaining tribe that "deciding as a group won't work forever". Wait a minute. Doesn't he usually complain when they have mixed votes or someone gets blindsided? Then he says something like "this is clearly a tribe in chaos". Make up your mind, Probst!

Survivorfest week 7!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 23:54:00 +0000

Jill is rubbed out!

Fresh from tribal council, Marty is miffed that the dominant youngsters of his tribe put his name down and forced a tie that led to Kelly One Leg being voted off. Their excuse of wanting to flush the idol off was feeble even by Survivor standards.

The reward challenge was to have each tribe throw balls at a net while someone from the other tribe acted as a goalie over a pool of water.

This was fun to watch, especially since Marty hit Chase in the coconuts.

It got better when Fabio decided the pool would be a nice place to take a whiz. The boy isn't bladder shy, that's for sure. You can tell that it's been a rough haul for most of these players when no one complains about having to flail around in a small pool of Fabio urine.

Espada won the challenge, which was a horseback ride and a nice breakfast. The highlight of the breakfast was that the tribe got to milk their own cow. Wife: "what kind of a reward is that!?!"

Nay entered into the Survivor hall of fame with this quote: "I touched a cow's nipple. I'm over it".

Back at La Flor, Jane was catching a whole mess of catfish while the rest of the tribe slept in. She treated herself to one on the side before returning to camp. She's starting to grow on me a bit.

Now that Kelly One Leg is gone and the tribes have been re-buffed, why does Probst keep calling her Kelly Purple?

The immunity challenge was a long chute that two of the tribe would direct the rest of the tribe to aim and hold to roll a ball onto some plates. First tribe to break all their plates won immunity.

Espada won immunity. I think Brenda and Alina got tired of arguing with Marty and the crew about how to place the chute. They went back to camp to figure out who should go home that night.

You know things are going sideways when Fabio is masterminding the plan to vote someone off.

Sash and Brenda came up with a plan to convince Marty to give him (Sash) his immunity idol as an act of trust. They would then promise not to vote him off. It sounds even more stupid when it's typed out, believe me.

Marty figures it's worth a shot since he had to use the idol anyway, and doing this might give him another week in the game. So will actually PLAYING your immunity idol, Einstein!

At council, Jeff notes that Marty had given Sash his idol and asked if he had a Nicuraguan lobotomy. Marty explained his reason and Probst turned on Sash. "So, if Brenda asked you to give her the idol to "hold on to" would you?"

"Um..." awkward silence "if the time was right." Sash then went to blather on about how it would be nice to have the idol in case "he" needed it. He amended it to say "they".

Probst asked Fabio if he thought that was a Freudian slip. Fabio said he didn't think it was right for guys to dress in womens nighties on prime-time television shows.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, the youngsters kept their word and didn't vote off Marty. They took his main pal Jill instead.

Next week...smells like a merge!

Survivorfest week 6!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 23:27:00 +0000

Yve hops off into the sunset with Holly One-Leg!

Sorry about the delay on the latest blogs. (Evil) Russell Hantz has been hanging around my house a lot in the evenings and he just won't take a hint when it's time to leave!

Fresh from tribal council, Dan is thinking about quitting. His knee is bugging him and he doesn't like the outdoor life. Helllloooooo...it's Survivor! He didn't think he could stand another 20 days of rain. Somehow I don't think that is going to be a problem.

Yve, meanwhile, told everyone how, despite what they thought, she wasn't "with" Tyrone. Yeah, she says that now, but later on she'll be bragging to her friends about how she's such a close pal with some guy named Tyrone. Everyone wishes that could say that..."Yeah, when I was hangin' with my buddy Tyrone..." You know you like the sound of it.

Individual immunity challenge!

Players dug up circular pieces of rope, had to flip them onto a basket on their backs and then toss the rings onto pegs. First player to ring all their ropes won individual immunity.

This was a silly-looking challenge, clearly created to pander to the older folks. My favorite part was the basket they were supposed to flip the rings into. It looked like they were sporting toilet seats strapped to their backs.

Holly and Jill (individual immunity points for each!) completed the challenge first and squared off for a reward for their tribe. Both tribes would vote someone off and the winner would get to enjoy a feast while sitting in on the loser's tribal council.

It was a close competition, but Jill pulled it out. Funny, I wouldn't have given two thousand independent votes that Hollie would be able to stick around this long. Maybe it's that weird Fargo-like accent.

Back at camp La Flor, Marty told Fabio that he was a chess grandmaster. Fabio said he was more of a leg man. I'll wait a minute to let that sink in. Bah. That wasn't really worth it, was it?

Anyway, it turns out that Marty was lying to impress Fabio with his planning skills. I think the fact that he knew how to play chess impressed Fabio.

The tactic seemed to work. When the rest of the tribe wanted to vote off Marty, Fabio was hesitant. I think he believed that Marty might be able to see through him with his Jedi mind tricks.

At council Marty decided to trust his instincts and hold onto his idol. The youngsters split their votes and tied on Marty and Kelly One Leg.

The re-vote took place and Kellie came up...ahem...short.

While Kelly hopped off through the graveyard, her tribe dug into a feast while the Espada tribe filed in for council.

They got an earful about Dan's whining about life in the great outdoors. Yve couldn't believe that she was the only one calling him out. Dan suddenly decided that he didn't want to quit and loved everything about being miserable. Further, he insisted that Yve was arrogant..her overall attitude.

Yve pointed out that she hadn't been going on about a Ferrari, six cars and his own guest spot on Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless.

Despite the whining and the lack of skill at challenges, Espada decided to vote off Yve. I still can't figure that one out.

Survivorfest - week 5!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 12:10:00 +0000

Tyrone allows himself to be excused!

Fresh from tribal council where the irritating Jimmy T was released, Holly proclaims that she was shocked. Shocked, I say!

Marty already has his sites set on culling Jane and Holly next. Practically licking his chops. The way the old farts have been performing at challenges he should get his chance pretty soon.

Alas, CBS has other plans. The old versus young gambit is clearly not working out and seems likely to get worse unless the Medallion of Power were to provide Ozzy and Boston Rob for the next challenge.

Probst announced a tribe switch. He had everyone pull a stone from a bag resulting in Holly and Brenda being new captains. Each chose members of the others tribe to form new teams. At this point I'm completely confused as to who is with whom, but one tribe is now Espada, which is Spanish for "bloaty, gassy feeling" and the other is La Flur, which is named in honor of one of the greats of American theater: Art LaFleur.

NaOnka, oddly, seems all broken up. She yelled over to the other tribe that she was going to miss them all. "Except you, ya one-legged skank! I'll gouge your damn eyes out!" Okay, she didn't actually say that. Or if she did, CBS cut it out.

We were treated to a reward-only challenge! The game resembled a giant Pachinko machine. Any balls that fell to the ground would count as a point against that team.

Reward for the winner was three chickens. Jane could barely contain herself "Ring the neck off that chicken!!! Yeeeehaaaaaah!" Three million PETA supporters begin reaching for their phones.

The challenge was very tight, going to the last set of balls. Marty dropped his second of the challenge and Espada took home the birds.

Back at the victorious camp Tyrone contemplated his new tribe: "There's a bunch a pretty girls runnin' around...there may be some fornicatin' goin' on..."

NaOnka isn't impressed with Tyrone: "Tyrone is not gangsta!" Of course he's not...He a Tyrone for God's sake! That beats gangsta like a full house beats two pair!

At camp Art La Fleur, Marty can't understand why the younger tribe put up with NaOnka's crap. "You mean you sat here and let her thump one of your own tribe, walk away with the immunity clue and not share it with the rest of the tribe!?!" Well, when you say it that way, it does sound pretty bad.

Marty went on to share that he had found the idol in the other camp. The younger members of the tribe found the admission ballsy, bold and, above all, stupid.

The rains came and NaOnka was having problems with it. Evidently she doesn't like to be cold, wet and hungry all the time. Well, duuuuuhhhh! Would you like to participate in next season's Survivor: Miami Beach?

Alina: "Nay seems like she's on her period all the time!" I'd like to point out that if a man had said that, there would be hell to pay.

Chase tried to help console the whimpering NaOnka as well, telling her a story about when his father died. Soon, he was blubbering, too. I think NaOnka is really bringing down this tribe's mojo.

The challenge was an interesting one. Fair disclosure: I had one person call me while the show was airing to remind me that younger children occasionally read this blog (although judging by the Google Analytics stats, I doubt it) and that I should report the results accordingly. I have no idea to what they were talking about.

The challenge was to strap three people to a large wheel where the remaining tribe members would turn the wheel in order to alternatively dunk each person into water. The person would grab a mouthful of water and, at the apex of the wheel, attempt to spit it into a tube while the wheel continued to spin. The tube, when full, would drop a ball that would be used to break some tiles. First to break all the tiles would win the challenge.

Across the country Survivor fetishists strapped themselves in for the ride of their lives.

I would like to point out that both tribes chose to populate the wheels solely with women. I'm not clear on whether CBS mandated this or not.

Espada managed to fill their tube first. I think some of the La Flur women got confused and [this section has been deemed inappropriate according to Blogger content rules and regulations. Funny. But totally inappropriate.]

Despite getting access to their ball first, Espada struggled with the last portion of the challenge and La Flur picked up the victory.

Back at Camp Loser, NaOnka admitted that she'd be happy to get voted out.

The rest of the team decided they wanted to eat a real meal before council, so they voted, over Tyrone's objections, to kill one of the chickens.

Three million PETA supporters dutifully hit the CBS complaint number on their speed dial. "Peggy? Yeah, it's me, Syd. They went and killed another one..."

At council, Probst probed NaOnka on the difficulty of life on Survivor. NaOnka compared it to her divorce, which she admitted was mostly her fault. Man, that's hard to believe. I bet that guy didn't have a leg to stand on. Yeah. I went there.

Probst was getting a little chippy with the tribe when they appeared to be resisting his attempts to get them to bash on each other. I think he might be getting spoiled by some of the infighting that happened with the past few councils.

The vote went in, and Tyrone was voted off. I am pretty sure that Jeff asked him if it was okay that he extinguish his bad-ass torch. 'Cause that's the way you roll with someone named Tyrone.

Next week: Espada gets sick from eating tainted chicken and three million PETA supporters celebrate in the streets!

Survivorfest - week 4!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 17:38:00 +0000

Jimmy T is benched for good!

Fresh from tribal council, Tribe Arthritis is still reeling from their decision to remove their obvious leader, Jimmyjohnson.

Jimmy T tried to pick up the slack and keep his tribe motivated and happy through a rainstorm by a weird combination of hugging and singing old Four Seasons songs. Yes, it was really that odd.

Tribe Oldster immediately realized they had made a mistake and voted off the wrong Jimmy. Most blamed the fact that both men were old, had fake teeth and might have been named Jimmy or Bobby or something.

It's clear that most of them consider Nicaragua to be a little slice of hell. I guess the country can put aside its new "Nicaragua - Land of Retirees!" program.

Jimmy T is happy that Jimmy J was let go, since he wasn't respecting his obvious talent. He's not too happy with Marty, either. He indicated "Marty wouldn't last a minute in my world!" He's from Massachusetts for crying out loud!

At Camp Diaper Rash NaOnka and Brenda, despite all odds, managed to figure out the immunity map puzzle and Nay dug up the idol (points for Nay!). Note that Brenda carefully backed away when it became clear they were about to find it so that she would not be thrown to the ground and stomped on (ghetto style). Well played.

Alina and Kelly One Shoe decided that if they were going to find the idol first, that they would need to go looking as well. Nay noted this and followed them.

Unable to bring herself to admit that she had the idol and start gloating (ala Russell) she decided to scream at them and insult them for trying to look for it. I am 95% sure that NaOnka is a sociopath. That is Latin for person of chaotic, potentially dangerous actions or Kentuckian for crazy bitch what need killin'.

I don't see a big old kiss and make up between Nay and Differently-Abled Kelly at the reunion show. I would, however, like to see a nice pay-per-view grudge match. Maybe in a cage. Can't the WWF or the MMF make something like this happen?

Treemail came and gave an indication that the challenge would involve blindfolds. The older tribe decided it would be a good idea to practice wearing them and calling out instructions. Good idea!

As suspected, the challenge was to have pairs blindfolded and bound together with one "caller" to instruct the pairs where to go to pick up items in a kind of scavenger hunt. Reward would be immunity and choice of fine Sears brand products.

Tribe Pampers opted to use the Medallion of Power to gain an advantage.

They didn't need it. The younger tribe wiped the drool off of the older tribe's faces. I think Tyrone's comment summed it all up when he got tired of trying to get Jimmy T to listen to his instructions: "Damn, that boy don't listen."

Back at Camp Geriatric Jimmy went into full whine mode, indicating that he needed to play a bigger part in the tribe's failures.

Jill still wants to let Marty make the decisions on who to vote off. She's starting to get on my nerves.

At Camp Kinder Chase found a clue to the camp immunity idol in the fishing gear they won at reward. He decided to share it with Brenda, who, after much hemming and hawing, decided to fess up that Nay had already found it.

At least he won't have to have NaOnka follow him into the brush and yell at him.

At council Dan came dressed like a Smurf. It's a good look for him, though.

Probst pushed on why Dan continued to sit out challenges. Evidently Dan's bad knee won't allow him to participate on muddy or uneven footing. That's probably going to be a real liability IN THE RAIN FOREST!

Despite a tearful acceptance by Jimmy T that no one wanted him to be the heart and soul of Tribe Elder, they decided they had just about had all they could stand of him.

Next week: CBS realizes this isn't working out and the tribes go to a merge!

Survivorfest week 3!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 02:24:00 +0000

Jimmy J is cut!

Fresh from tribal council, Naonka still hates everyone. The rest of the tribe tried to act nice to each other after the vicious blood-letting at council. At least you know where you stand with Nay...about a foot closer than you should be.

Jud reveals his game strategy: Be funny around camp, but add something to that, like his mentality and spirituality, so it isn't just that he's LOL.

I think Camp Kiddie needs to rid themselves of a Kelly so that they don't need to keep referring to one as Kelly Purple and the other as Kelly One-Leg. Sorry, I think only Naonka does that. Everyone knows who she's talking about, though.

At Camp Alzheimer the tribe followed the sound of howler monkeys to try to find food. Jimmy Johnson grunted and hooted at them like a distant cousin. He got in a nice crack on Terry Bradshaw, too. Good stuff.

Marty isn't a big fan of Coach Jimmy's. The tribe has even taken to calling him just "Coach". Not a good sign. At all.

Jill talked Marty into sharing the hidden immunity idol with the tribe. He (seemingly reluctantly) did so. Not sure I understand the point of "sharing" an idol that can only be used by one person and has the most value after the merge. Guess we'll see how it plays out.

Jimmy T was really happy Marty did this, and thought that it strengthened the tribe. I guess we cleared up that mystery.

Danny appears to be breaking down. He has a scar on one knee almost as big as the limp he carries around with it. I think I saw a smaller scan on his other knee. With guns like that, I suspect his back is bugging him, too. He looks like a geriatric version of Hans...or maybe Franz.

The challenge was for immunity and reward combined. The tribe was to roll out the barrel polka-style and set them up on their ends. One member would then try to toss sand bags and land them on the barrel end. First tribe to bag all the barrels would win.

Reward was a basket of fruit, some spices and a mini herb garden.

The young tribe eschewed the use of the Medallion of Power, figuring that they could easily best the grandparents in this physical challenge.

The oldsters started sluggishly, but started tossing just after the younger tribe. Tyrone went on a tear and gave his tribe an early lead. He got cold as he tried to hit the barrels that were farther away, however and Benry overtook him.

After missing about twenty in a row, Coach Jimmy pulled him and went to Jimmy T. Not sure if he thought that Jimmy was a better option or was just tired of him saying, "me, coach, me! Put me in! I can do it, I swear!"

Jimmy T hit his first throw, but then ran out of time as Benry finished the challenge.

Kiddies win!

While gathering their booty, differently-abled Kelly noticed an immunity clue hidden with the fruit. Unfortunately for her, Nay also saw it. When they made it back to camp, they both went for the clue and had a nice cat fight on the beach.

Survivor is missing out on some serious add-on dollars by not promoting this sort of thing more often. A little hot oil here, some hair-pulling there, whoops there goes part of a swimsuit and CBS has a DVD that makes it's way into the homes of forty million teenage boys and their creepy uncles. Just saying.

(At this moment, a CBS drone in the basement of the Black Rock building in New York in charge of monitoring Internet content sits bolt upright in his chair. He grabs a pen and furiously scribbles some notes on the palm of his pasty-white hand and dashes for a nearby elevator)

Naonka managed to pull the note away from Kelly and stomped off with the clue.

Jud: "Whuh? That was an idol clue? And she had to smush the bananas?"

Nay checked out the clue, which was the same picture puzzle that the oldsters received. I think the idol is safe for a while. A drunken lemur has a better chance at decrypting Nazi WWII code than Naonka has at solving this puzzle on her own.

She was smart enough to realize this and went to get help from Brenda. Ah, now we have a true brain trust. Brenda's sage advice was to try to figure out the last of the clues, which seemed to indicate a tree, and figure out which tree looked different from the rest. In the forest. That has lots of trees.

Naonka was less than apologetic for pushing aside Hopalong Kelly.

"You think one leg gonna stop me? Next time I'll push you so hard that damn leg will fly off!" I suspect Nay has successfully managed to avoid being tabbed as a keynote speaker for any Disabled Veterans events in the near future.

She did enlighten us to the difference between "hood" and "ghetto". Evidently what she did was "hood". If she had stood over Kelly afterward, snapped her fingers and mocked her, it would have been "ghetto". I think it's important that we know about these things.

And I think she's still wearing Jud's spare pair of socks. That's ghetto, yo.

Back at Camp Oldie-Not-So-Goodie Jimmy T makes a public announcement as to his awesomeness. "I got mad skills, Coach! I'm bein' wasted sittin' on the bench, here!" As opposed to sitting on the bench getting wasted, I surmise. I wonder if that would be hood or ghetto?

Marty wants Coach out. My wife wondered aloud whether Jimmy had cut him at some point in his life. Worth investigating.

Jill doesn't want to think about who to vote off and tells Marty to tell her what to do. He'll have to do the thinking for both of them. How very Casablanca.

Both Tyrone and Jimmy T seem to like to refer to themselves in the third person. I think Tyrones are allowed to do this, but I am not sure Jimmys are. I'll try to look that up later.

Marty thinks that voting off Coach will "shake the tribe to its core". And then he proceeded to talk to everyone about voting Coach off. If it's not a surprise, and the vote is a majority, will it really shake the tribe to its core?

At council Probst probably put the final nails in Coach Jimmy's coffin when he made the whole council all about the wonderful-ness that is the famous Coach Jimmy Johnson. In fact, he insisted on using his full name like it was a one-word title: JimmyJohnson! You could just see it getting on people's nerves.

I am quite certain that more than one person resolved to vote Jimmy off so that he could talk about it ad nauseam on the Fox pre-game show before any of them got voted off. I've been watching the CBS pre-game show just to avoid it myself.

The votes went in, and Jimmy didn't make the team.

Next week we'll find out how much Naonka hates people in wheelchairs on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 2!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 02:26:00 +0000

Shannon is out! Let the blindsiding begin!

Fresh from tribal council Hollie is feeling on the outs since she more or less had an alliance with the hapless Wendy. Seems kind of early for that, doesn't it?

Jill decided to pick up some protein by eating snails. Hollie decided that she looked a bit loopy, so the snails must be poisonous. She got irritated when Jill wasn't, in fact, poisoned and took them away, storming off. Jill went back to tell the group, who decided she might be a little wacky.

She noticed that Dan appeared to be laughing at her, so she plotted vengeance in the form of stealing his $1600 alligator shoes. Dude brings a $1600 pair of dress shoes to an island and thinks she's crazy!?!

Hollie filled the shoes with sand and deposited them in the ocean. After Dan freaked out about someone stealing his shoes, she realized how loopy it was and fessed up to the tribe.

Tyrone broke the ice on this season's Survivorfest Hall of Fame Quote: ""I'm gonna keep one eye on her and one on my shoes!"

Hollie told the tribe that she wanted to be upfront and honest because that's how she really was. You know, after backstabbing her first alliance mate, walking off with someone's lunch and then stealing a pair of shoes. All within the first, what, 48 hours? I think even Russell would be proud of that.

Evidently Sash (who I mentioned in my pre-season bio profile was not gay) is bi-racial. He expressed interested in having an all-minority final vote. Down with whitey! Is it racially insensitive for me to say that? I'm white, but it feels wrong. Not sure what the etiquette is here.

Over at Camp Kiddie, Naonka was having some footwear issues of her own. Unable to find one of her socks, she accused "someone" of stealing it. Who on earth would steal one sock? Of course I have some theories:

Chase - because he might need something resembling a condom for his island date with Brenda
Jud - because he seems like he is really into sock puppets
Kelly B - Because - duh! - she only needs one sock!

Unable to determine the culprit, Nay decided it would be a good idea to steal someone else's socks. She chose Jud's because she didn't like him and that is almost always a good enough reason to take something that doesn't belong to you.

Jud was thoroughly confused as to where his spare pair of socks went. When someone told him that Nay was wearing them he said "Is she? That really makes me mad!" If someone told me at this point that Erik the ice cream scooper got plastic surgery to change his appearance so that he could get back on the show I would not be surprised.

When he walked over to confront her, she jumped down his throat before he had a chance to say anything, effectively confusing him and putting him on the defensive. Well done! Bullying 101.

Hollie took Jimmie aside and confessed that she might be losing it and that she thought maybe she should leave the game. Jimmie, acting as tribe psychologist, got her head back on straight and sent her back with a better attitude.

At the immunity challenge, Camp Kiddie came in with some kind of Nazi march. I'm kind of looking forward to seeing what they do for next week's challenge. Maybe cartwheels?

The challenge was to find four balls hidden in hay piles, and then flip the balls to partners to deposit in a barrel. First to four balls in the barrel won immunity and reward of a tarp or fishing supplies.

Team Alzheimer elected to use the Medallion of Power, which took away one of their balls.

The teams started out pretty evenly until Hollie had trouble finding her ball. This gave the younger tribe a head start on the ball passing portion and they took a quick 2-0 lead. Benry then missed three consecutive short tosses in a row, allowing the older tribe to complete the challenge.

The oldsters elected to take the fishing supplies and the kiddies went back to camp to prepare for tribal council.

The tribe seemed split into two factions: anti - Shannon and anti - Brenda. Shannon was aware of Chase's interest in Brenda and effectively told him "bros before ho's".

Chase, confused, went running to Brenda to ask her where the hose was. Brenda easily manipulated him: "so why do you need Shannon?"

"Um, I don't."

"So why do you hate me so much you want to kill me?"

"Um, no, I think you're neat..."

"So you want to see me voted off because you need Shannon to make you a real man?"

"No! I don't need Shannon...he's outta here!"

Or something like that.

At Camp Oldster they found a hidden immunity idol in the fishing gear. The tribe quickly figured out most of the clues. Jill came up with the last one, and told Marty. Marty, Don and Jill searched until they found it. Marty owners get points for finding the hidden immunity idol!

I must say, this tribal council was the most entertaining I have ever seen. The only thing that would've made it more tense would have been a knife fight.

Shannon almost immediately called Chase out for aligning with Brenda. Chase said he really didn't like Shannon that much anyway. Shannon got really irate.

Jud: "Shannon, don't make enemies, man."
Shannon: "Fabio, you idiot, they're going to try to vote me off!"

Probst actually tried to settle things down a little, but there was too much gasoline on the fire.

Sash said something to further irritate Shannon and he replied with "Let's get this out there...are you gay?"

He then went on a rant about all the gay people in New York. I have to stop here and say how ironic it is for a homophobe to be named Shannon. Just saying.

At that point the kid gloves were off and Naoka wanted to get it on with Jud: "Fabio over there thinks I'm dumb or something!"

Jud (trying very hard not to think): "What?"

This is the first council where I heard someone actually begging Probst to let them get to the vote. Good stuff.

The votes went in, and Shannon's wild rant cost his a few votes from his fragile alliance.

Next week: Does anyone in Camp Kiddie like anyone else? No, they don't! I can't wait to see who drags who off into the jungle for a well-deserved beating.

Next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest 7 - week 1!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 12:40:00 +0000

Wendy's husband was right...she can't cut it.

Welcome to another season of Survivorfest! We have a pool of 25 entries this season which is a great turn-out considering how late I started on the entry stuff.

On to the game!

An early split of the teams to find the "Medallion of Power" (last seen being worn by He-Man, Master of the Universe) resulted in Brenda climbing a tree and pulling down the ugly piece of bling.

At that point Probst told them the real way the teams would be split up was by age. Brenda was given the choice to keep the MOP (which would provide an advantage at a challenge) or trade it for camp supplies. The other tribe would get what she didn't choose.

Tribe Diapers chose to keep the supplies and give up the MOP to the older tribe.

Buffs were passed out and Jimmy J began complaining about his hair. I think that was at about the 15 minute mark. Dang, I think the Vegas over/under was at ten.

The tribes headed back to their camps.

At Camp Diaper...wait I used that one already. At camp Fogy we learn that Jame was sandbagging on her bio. Unlike most contestants, she had been preparing for Survivor by learning to start fires using a pair of reading glasses ala Yau-Man. I immediately regret choosing her as a Lovable Loser.

Jimmy J spent most of his time playing the social game, but ended up wearing himself out. He spent the night yacking his guts up and the morning complaining about how unpleasant it was.

At Camp Kiddie the tribe went through the contents of the camp gear. Jud, who appears to be true to his bio, looked like he wanted to play in the box. This guy appears to be Erik-the-ice-cream-guy stupid. I am legitimately excited.

In the first ten minutes at camp Jud managed to spike his own foot and be attacked by a half inch crab. His camp nickname is "Fabio". Word around Camp Kiddie is that Fabio was some kind of opera singer.

First blur that I detected was Sash in his yellow drawers. Shannon and Chase received blurs right after as they went into the jungle to pump each other up.

Kelly B is missing most of her right leg. The rest of the tribe, concerned about what that could mean come tribal council, immediately painted a target on her back. I'm always amused at how concerned everyone is about how tough someone would be to beat in the final council when only three people will be remaining. I would think they should worry about the long odds of getting there, first.

Kelly came clean about her leg. She called the tribe together and pulled down her pants. She then said, and I am not making this up, "Now I'm excited!" I would have bet any amount of money that any of the men of the tribe would've said that first.

It turns out Brenda used to be a cheerleader for the Dolphins. Not really relevant, I guess but again, something you'd expect to see on the bio, isn't it? If I ever make it onto Survivor you all can be damn sure there's going to be a shout-out to Cousin Willie. Plus the time I saw Carl Weathers in my shower. But that's a story for another time.

Kelly B and Alina received a clue to a hidden immunity idol when they went to get tree mail. There didn't seem to be a similar clue at Camp Fogy. Not sure why. They elected to keep the clue to themselves.

Alina was concerned that this would align the two of them. Since Kelly B now had the don't-let-her-get-to-the-final-vote target on her back, she was concerned to be stuck with her.

At the challenge, Tribe Diaper came in doing some weird dance line thing. Very odd, even in a middle-school awkward kind of way.

The challenge was to route water poured from buckets into a tub that, when filled, would drop a net full of puzzle pieces. First tribe to complete the puzzle would avoid tribal council.

Since Tribe Fogy had the Medallion of Power, they had an opportunity to get a one bucket head start on the challenge. They elected to save the MOP for another challenge.

Tribe Diaper completed the bucket filling stage just ahead of Tribe Fogy.

Probst: "The older tribe has a great flow going!" That's something you don't hear too often. (urinary incontinence joke: check).

Tribe Diaper completed the puzzle first. Youth prevailed! (campy throw out line: check)

Back at camp the oldsters had to determine who would be the weakest link to cast out.

Jimmy T seems like he might just be a little bit crazy. Not weird old man who wears plaid slacks, crazy. We're talking full-on danger to surrounding onlookers crazy.

Wendy and Jimmy J seem to be the most likely to go.

Wendy can't decide whether she's nervous or concerned. She actually spent several minutes articulating this. Enough, vote her off already!

At council, Wendy complained that no one took the time to get to know her. "No one even asked how old I am!"

To which Tyrone replied "Never ask a woman her age, fool!" It's only the first episode but I have to admit that Tyrone is my early favorite from a Survivorfest blog perspective. Jud will be fun to laugh at, but Tyrone is poised to dump some serious bad-ass life advice on us. It would be prudent for us to listen and learn.

Probst tried to send them all to the vote, but Wendy wanted to say a few things. Might as well get 'em in while you can honey, cause they won't have any time at the reunion show for you.

The vote went in and Wendy went out. The lone dissent was Wendy's cast away vote for Yve.

Next week, things heat up in each tribe and someone loses their shoes!

See you next time on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest - week 13

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Sat, 15 May 2010 12:46:00 +0000

Rupert falls short again!

Fresh from tribal council where Danielle took the fall for her "close" relationship with Parvarti, Rupert is feeling renewed and optimistic about his chances. He seems to think that if he can make it through to the final vote that the million dollars is his.

Parvarti and Jerri commiserated over Russell. Seems to be the same story as last season...people bitching and bellyaching about Russell, but then ultimately deciding to ride it out, "see what happens" and continue to work with him. I guess it worked out great for Natalie last season.

Russell, for his part, continued to try to spin lies that he had to get rid of Danielle because she was secretly planning to get rid of Parvarti. No one's buying what you have to sell, Russ.

Tree mail came in the form of a Sprint product placement. None too subtle, either. It's amazing what people will do for money. Ahem.

Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre Sprint Palm Pre

The players got to see videos of their loved ones using the wonder Sprint Palm Pre. When Rupert's wife came on, my oldest shouted out "Rupert's got a wife like that?!? That's amazing!" I suspect she was imagining something like this.

The reward challenge was a Survivor plus loved one competition where the player would bring a bucket of water from the surf and toss it to their loved one's bucket. They would then use that water to fill another bucket to lift a flag.

Reward was a flight to the Alofaaga Blowholes with a nice picnic of burgers and soda with loved ones. Plus an opportunity to take the wonderful Sprint Palm Pre to record the trip. Lucky!

Rupert was paired with his (evidently) lovely wife, Russell with his wife (last seen at last year's final show dressed like a biker-stripper), Colby had his brother (who also seemed like a frat boy goofball), Parvarti had her dad (who now has logged more Survivor time than many actual contestants), Jerri had her sister (the two of them together made the most annoying mewling noises) and Sandra had her favorite uncle (favorite, because he was there when her mother died. No charges have been filed).

It's Rupert and his wife's anniversary! I'm sure when she thought about the possibility of spending an anniversary on a tropical island, Survivor had not popped into her mind.

The challenge was fairly entertaining. Colby almost immediately began fighting with his brother and blaming him for the water not falling into his pail. His brother seemed to be laughing at him. These guys must be a real riot at Thanksgiving. I'm guessing they have an annual T-Day football game, full contact with at least two fights and one concussion per holiday.

Russell's wife, while adding to the water from the bucket, spit to add volume. Now that's class.

Sandra yelled in Spanish for her uncle to cheat by stealing water from the people able to actually reach their partners. He just laughed. She must be a real joy at family events, too. I'm thinking fistfights and stabbing over Parcheesi.

Jerri and her sister went on to win and made more loud mewling noises.

Jeff allowed Jerri to pick two pairs to accompany her to the blowholes. She chose Parvarti and Sandra without much hesitation. Russell was not amused. He and his wife started whispering the horrible things they would do to Jerri and her sister during the finale show. I suspect those two are a real handful on "couples nights".

It was time for the loved ones to depart. Rupert and his wife were in full-on make-out mode and Probst had to pry them apart with a crowbar and a fire hose. I think she might have been trying to stow away in his beard.

At the blowholes, the group was greeted by a wizened old guy who looked a lot like Don Ho. Only less dead. He showed them the blowholes and entertained them by tossing coconuts into the holes to have them explode skyward.

Sandra: "I'd be scared to go by that hole...what if I fall in?" Don't worry, Sandra. I don't think the ocean wants you either.

Parvarti: "The best part of the trip was having the Sprint Palm Pre there so we could take all kinds of pictures!" Oh, well played. That's a shipment of twenty units to miss Parvarti's home.

The girls talked about how irritated Russell was to be excluded from the trip and made a pact that they wouldn't let him vote any of them out.

Russell, for his part, could barely contain his outrage that Jerri hadn't picked him. This was based solely on strategy, of course. It's not like he wanted a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to visit the Alofaaga Blowholes with Don Ho.

Back at camp, the remaining men decided to form their own alliance. Perhaps it was time for Parvarti to go.

That night, when the women returned and everyone tried to sleep, Rupert decided it would be a good time to saw and break up firewood. I think he was cranking some Death Metal on the stereo as well. Needless to say, everyone was pretty irritated with him. At least he wasn't selling their shoes or burning their socks.

Jerri and Russell had a little makeup party. She confessed that the once-in-a-lifetime trip to the Alofaaga Blowholes compliments of Sprint Palm Pre was only "okay".

The Immunity Challenge was, unbelievably, another endurance challenge. Seriously, what is the deal? Can't we have some swimming, a race, a memory game...something besides watching these guys stand stock still for 20 minutes or more at a time?

Hang with me here...what about a Survivor Beauty Pageant? Seriously, how much fun would it be to see Rupert stalking up and down the runway with a come-hither look in his eye during the bathing suit competition. Would Russell try to "enhance"? Seriously, dude, we know that's a pair of frickin' coconuts in there! And then finding out during the talent portion if Sandra actually has any. Ah, well. Maybe next season.

This challenge was to stand still with two poles placed on the back of outstretched hands. The other ends of the poles would be pressed against a horizontal beam to keep them steady. If your pole slips, you're out.

Colby dropped his poles almost immediately. What a tool. Did someone do an identity check on this idiot?

Years from now we'll find out that this look-a-like killed the real Colby Donaldson shortly after his appearance in Survivor: All Stars and has been taking his place all along. You heard it here first.

Sandra, to no one's surprise, was out shortly thereafter.

Russell was next, much to his consternation.

Jerri was holding steady when Probst said "Jerri...poles are dead center right where you want 'em to be...they haven't moved...ooops." Nice jinx, Probst.

This left Parvarti and Rupert. Ever the bridesmaid, Rupert soon lost his grip and was out of the competition. Parvarti wins immunity!

Back at camp was the usual CBS fluff of trying to make us wonder who would be voted off that night. They showed a (now) typical blowup between Russell and one of his alliance (Sandra) and lots of sneaking around and whispering.

At council, Sandra opted to play her immunity idol. Mainly since this was the last day to play it. She thought about not using it, but then came to the conclusion that it certainly couldn't hurt.

I didn't notice any discussion from Colby in the entire tribal council. I wonder if he said anything at all. He was probably still irritated with his brother.

Rupert called for a Villain to flip that evening. It sounded a bit like barking into the wind.

The votes were read: Colby and Rupert's votes went to Sandra and were wasted. Everyone else voted Rupert, sending the psychedelic giant home. He took a long moment to glare at Russell.

This Sunday is the Survivor Finale! Who will make it to the final three? Will Mike Bonham achieve the first ever Survivorfest sweep and pick the final four contestants? Will anyone be able to think of anything nice to say about Candice during the obligatory run-through of the fallen contestants?

Find out next week on...Survivorfest!

Bonus for Dayton folks: On Wednesday, 5/19, there will be a fund-raiser at Campionis for my oldest daughter's Destination Imagination team to support their travel to the Global Competition in Knoxville later this month.

10% of all proceeds, dine-in, carry-out, catering and even margaritas will go to the team. Please support us in the form of wonderful pizza, awesome margaritas and even some raffles! We'll have people there all day, 11 AM to 10 PM. Hope to see you there!

Survivorfest week 12!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 07 May 2010 12:18:00 +0000

Candice goes down, followed by Danielle!

Tonight: Two immunity idols and two tribal councils!

Fresh from voting out Amanda, Jerri is ready to move on to Candice. Nice thank you for flipping her vote.

The Heroes are plenty unhappy with Candice as well. She was about as popular as an IRS agent at a Willie Nelson concert.

Rupert had plenty of anger to throw around. He's also unhappy with Russell who he now views as worse than Johnny Fairplay. Figuring he was headed home that evening Rupert decided to give Russell an earful at camp.

Russell not only took it, he dished out plenty as well: "You the second coming of Christ, Rupert!" Followed by "you a dumbass, Rupert!" I think Russell needs to make up his mind.

The immunity challenge was yet another endurance challenge. This time the players had one arm tied to a chain above their heads, tied to a big vat of colored water. Further, they had to balance on a small stool.

One minute into the challenge and Probst offered a covered dish to anyone who would drop out.

Immediately Sandra and Rupert were out. The dish? Milk and cookies.

A short while later Jeff brought out doughnuts and iced coffee. Colby couldn't drop out fast enough.

For a guy who was likely to be sent home that night, Colby sure didn't kill himself at this challenge.

When Probst came by with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, candy and milk Danielle, Candice and Jerri dropped out.

I can see the CBS executives hiding in the shrubs writing the following: "Note to self...no more endurance challenges after week 10."

Parvarti and Rupert were the only two remaining at the hour mark. Rupert eventually slipped off of his stool and Parvarti won immunity.

As a twist, Probst read a clue to a hidden immunity idol back at camp.

As soon as the tribe returned, they were off and hunting. Sandra came up with the idol. She hid it, and no one appeared to be aware she had it.

After a while Rupert got tired of searching and went to plan B. He pulled a large rock from the creek and stuck it in his front pocket.

Russell immediately noticed the new bulge. Anyone reading this who expects me to write something like "is that an idol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" shouldn't feel too disappointed right now.

Russell believed Rupert had the idol and instructed the Villains to split their votes. Jerri was successful in lobbying for Candice to be the other votee.

At council, Rupert lamented that there were only two Heroes left. Candice officially lost her power ring and cape when she voted Amanda off.

Candice feebly offered that Amanda would have gotten voted off anyway.

Colby: "I have no respect for the excuses!" Hey, Colby...you still have some doughnut on your chin.

Russell declared that Rupert was going home that night, breaching tribal council protocol by not at least pretending that someone else might be getting voted off.

Rupert, for his part, continued to hint that he might have found the idol.

Russell: "If Colby or Rupert didn't find the idol, then they gave up...and I don't think they would give up." Ummm, Russell did you see today's challenge?

Jeff called for the votes and asked if anyone had an idol they wanted to play. Sandra wisely kept quiet and Rupert not-too-subtly fondled his pocket. A good move in that there's a shred of doubt that he still has one.

The votes went in and Candice went out. When the Heroes heard the Villains would split votes, they dumped all of their votes on Candice.

I'm not sure how they knew the Villains would go that way. I thought they should've gone with Colby. I suspect Sandra might have told.

Candice: "I feel like I got thrown under the bus. Karma's a bitch sometimes." Indeed.

Back at camp, Russell was irritated with his alliance and himself for getting outflanked. He's also become worried about how close Parvarti and Danielle seem to be.

The next immunity challenge had three stages:

Stage 1: Players dug for a peg that would be used to slide through a peg maze and then, pointlessly I thought, break a tile. First five would advance. Rupert, Sandra, Russell, Danielle and Parvarti moved on.

Seriously, Colby, when Sandra is whipping your butt in challenges it's time to consider what drinking games you'll be playing with Coach at the Loser's Bar pretty soon.

Stage 2: The players would use pegs to climb a wall. The first three to the top would play for immunity. Russell finished first, easily navigating the wall. Rupert next, followed by Parvarti. Sandra had trouble figuring out how to get down.

Stage 3: A tile puzzle of the Survivor logo. Russell made fairly quick work of this, finishing just ahead of Rupert to win immunity.

Say what you will about Russell, but he always seems to bring his A-game to challenges late in the season.

A monsoon was waiting to greet the tribe as they returned to camp.

Parvarti seemed to be doing all of the planning. You could tell Russell didn't like being second fiddle. He thought it might be a good time to break up pals Danielle and Parvarti.

Russell: "Once Danielle is gone, Parvarti will be so scared that she'll stick to me and vote whoever I tell her to."

Russell told Parvarti that Danielle wanted her gone and he told Danielle that Parvarti was ready to see her go.

He underestimated how close they were. Parvarti was beside herself and insisted on speaking to Danielle.

Russell vehemently protested the move, which revealed that he was lying. As I've mentioned countless times, Russell is one of those liars who has the tell of getting really irritated when you doubt his sincerity.

Russell told Jerri that Danielle was the new target and if she didn't vote that way, she was likely the next to go. Parvarti and Danielle told her to keep her vote on Rupert.

Jerri, once again, was the linchpin of a critical vote.

At tribal council, Danielle seemed to be the only one who was unaware of who was running the show. I'm not sure if it's Russell or Parvarti, but it surely isn't a group that "makes decisions together".

Danielle outed Russell about his lying at council, much to Russell's chagrin. Russell continued to insist he was telling the truth. Russell, everyone is on to you now.

Danielle started crying. The long weeks and physical abuse seemed to be taking their toll.

Russell whispered to Jerri: "vote Danielle!"

The votes were in, no immunity idol was played and Danielle was voted out, just over Rupert.

Next week: Judging by the frosty look that Parvarti gave Russell I'm going on record as predicting that one of the two of them are going home next week.

We'll find out on the next...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 11!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 12:55:00 +0000

Amanda goes down for the first time in three seasons!

Fresh from blind-siding JT at tribal council, the remaining players returned to camp, half of them still reeling from the busy night of surprises.

Everyone was giving huge props to Parvarti for her crazy idol play. Russell wasn't happy because he wasn't involved and wasn't sure he was even in control of the game any longer.

Rupert realized that for the Heroes to have a chance he would have to make a play for Sandra. Russell, concerned that Sandra would flip, started working on Candice.

The reward challenge was Survivor Shuffleboard. The teams were divided into three random groups, each with two pucks to slide. Closest to the "X" would win reward for the team.

Sandra showed us why she shouldn't still be in the game with her typically pitiful performance. I think she was the only one to zing her puck off of the side. As early in the game as it was, I don't think she was trying to knock anyone off. Her second toss was off to the side, adding no value whatsoever. It's almost like she's trying to lose.

One puck sat next to the edge of the "X" until Colby took the last shot of the challenge and dropped it right on the bulls eye to win reward for himself, Danielle and Amanda.

The reward was a trip to the estate of Robert Louis Stevenson, author of Treasure Island, Kidnapped and Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde. The author lived his last few years in Samoa and was buried there. Hopefully after he was dead.

He was likely laid in state on the very bed that Amanda, Danielle and Colby were lying on in their nasty old camp clothes and eating popcorn while watching a movie. I suspect the late Mr. Stevenson was spinning in whatever Samoan grave they chucked him in.

At the very least, I suspect the phones at the Robert Louis Stevenson Appreciation Society are lighting up like Christmas right now.

I did a quick bit of research...Stevenson, in fact, died on the island shortly after straining to open a bottle of wine at the age of 44. I'd always heard that alcohol could kill you but that's ridiculous!

While chomping on popcorn and watching the black and white (!) version of the movie on the late Mr. Robert Louis Stevenson's flat screen television, Danielle spied a hidden idol note under the kernel duds. She quickly slid it out and onto the floor beside her.

Amanda, who had no interest in the move spotted her acting strangely and decided to go over and sit right on top of her. She spied the clue on the floor next to Danielle's side of the bed and grabbed it, starting a wonderfully entertaining wrestling match between Amanda and Danielle.

At this point I suspect the ghost of Mr. Robert Louis Stevenson either spun even more wildly in his grave, or became a little intrigued...Oh, come on! You can't tell me that I guy who dresses up like this as a seven-year-old isn't at least a little kinky! He's got a whip and is wearing a dress for Pete's sake!

Anyway, all the commotion caused Colby to (reluctantly) turn off the movie and break up the fight. He told Amanda that the clue was Danielle's and that she should give it back. I'm a little disappointed with Colby. I know more than a few fellows who would have suggested something a little more interesting about how to settle the dispute. Of course, I sometimes hang with rough and vulgar crowds.

Back at camp, Danielle had a different version of the story to tell. In her version Amanda was half crazed with blood lust and she had to "rip the clue out of her hands".

Rain had returned to Samoa. While the rest of the tribe huddled under shelter, Danielle and Russell searched for the idol. Russell found it in about six seconds and quietly stuffed it in his shorts. I suspect Danielle won't be too happy later when she realized that he let her look for it in vain in a monsoon for quite some time after that.

Russell was only too happy to call this payback for Parvarti not telling him about the other idol that she had found. Which Danielle also knew about.

Russell, who can't bear to find an idol without telling somebody, went to Candice and used it to try to swing her. Candice, who still seemed on the outs with the heroes from back in the Tom-alliance days, was interested.

In the meantime, Sandra told Colby she would flip to the heroes. She was tired of Russell and knew they had no interest in taking her much further in the game.

The Immunity Challenge was a tile stacking game. The first to reach the ten foot mark would win.

I immediately predicted that Russell and Sandra would fail miserably. Not much of a reach in Sandra's case.

I turned out to be in error with my Russell guess. He came very close to reaching the ten foot mark first, but Jerri was able to eek out a win. Impressive because she almost lost her tower at the eight-foot mark.

Back at camp Russell has his eyes set on Amanda. He claimed she was like "Boston Rob in a girl's body". Really? Except maybe for the leadership skills, ability to win challenges and personality.

Sandra and the heroes agreed to vote out Parvarti. When Candice got word, she rolled over on Sandra and told the Villains. Russell confronted Sandra with Candice close behind to hear what they had to say.

The Heroes weren't willing to believe that Candice had flipped. Colby went as far as to say "if Parvarti doesn't go home, we all know it's Candice's fault!"

Candice and Sandra had a long chat right before council to try to settle on what was going to happen that evening.

At council, Danielle is sporting some interesting writing on her arm: "I (heart) you punkin butt"

Possible hidden meanings? Of course I have them!

Danielle is a long-time fan of Linus and the Great Pumpkin
It was a shout out to punk rock great Johnny Rotten
The ghost of Robert Louis Stevenson told her to do it
I have nothing further to say about this link.

During council, there weren't many surprises. Russell admitted that Sandra was pretty much along for the ride until they didn't need her any more.

Coach went from dressing in his kimono to a more urban look. Maybe it was the rain.

Russell opted to play the idol. It seemed like a stretch, but one thing you might remember about Russell from last season is that he never wanted to get sent home with an immunity idol in his pocket.

It was a bad sign for his idol play when, while surprised that he had it, none of the Heroes winced or made any faces. A sure sign that they didn't vote for Russell that night.

The votes were tallied and Amanda was voted out for the first time in three seasons. All other seasons she made it to the final three.

In reviewing the voting, Sandra obviously knew that Candice had decided to flip so she stuck with the Villain alliance and voted out Amanda as well.

Next week, can the Villains keep their alliance together long enough to finish off the remaining Heroes? What will Coach wear next? What will Samoa have to do to clean the bedsheets of Robert Louis Stevenson?

Find out next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 10!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 00:11:00 +0000

JT is knocked out in what must go down as the greatest Survivor blindside in history!

Fresh from voting off Courtney the night before, Russell and Parvarti mapped out a plan of how to explain how both of them were still around after Russell supposedly used JT's idol to oust Parv the night before. It involved Parvarti having a second idol which she also played. Seemed fairly implausible to me.

It's merge time on Survivor as the tribes joined up at the Hero camp. They received a chest full of items, including new buffs, fruit and a large hock of ham. Which might have actually been what's left of Randy. Hard to say.

As the hero tribe saw the Villains approach on the beach, JT said "Is that Parvarti? I see Russell...She must've had another idol to play!" Awwww.

Parvarti was grouchy when no one seemed happy to see her. "I'm offended how the Heroes are treating me!" How often do you hear that line?

JT was completely and utterly hooked by Russell's story. Russell couldn't get his fabricated story out fast enough because Rupert and JT kept filling in the blanks for him.

Sandra managed to grab a few seconds with Rupert later and warned him that Russell was in charge of the whole tribe with Parvarti as his "right hand man". No wonder she was grouchy. Who knows what goes on with Russell and his right hand?

Rupert now seemed suspicious, but the enamored JT doesn't seem even remotely swayed. Rupert offered up a plan where they juke and vote out Jerri or Sandra, just in case Russell was lying. Smart move. Rupert hasn't added much in this game, but he appears to have good people sense. If he was able to win at any type of challenge he might be dangerous.

He noticed that Russell "swore on his kid's lives" that he was with the Hero alliance. As I've mentioned before, an easy way to spot a habitual liar is to look for people who always assume that people think they're lying (and feel compelled to make grand oaths) or get really, really irritated when someone suspects they're not forthright. Note, this doesn't always work for pathological liars or politicians. That last statement may, in fact, be redundant.

Amanda and Parvarti tried to mend fences. I had them pegged for best buds in my pre-Survivorfest analysis since they've been in two seasons together. I guess when a million dollars comes between you, things never go back to normal.

Amanda promised to tell Parv who the Heroes were voting for and Parv fessed up to having a hidden idol.

The immunity challenge was another endurance challenge. Again? Didn't we do this two weeks ago? This was a little different since the players had to hang onto long poles with small ridges cut into them. Paging Doctor Freud...Doctor Freud...Yes, I know. Sometimes bikini-clad women clinging desperately to a long pole are just bikini-clad women clinging desperately to a long pole.

It played out similarly to the last one: Sandra and Colby went out first. Russell next, followed by Rupert and then Amanda.

JT followed, leaving only women, and then Jerri.

At an hour and 35 minutes Candice decided to drop out because it looked like the other girls were going to stick around for a while. Not much heart. Might be that seeing Danielle taking a nap on her pole and Parvarti doing calisthenics was disheartening.

Parv asked Danielle if she was going to drop out. Danielle whispered that she wanted to win since Parv had an immunity idol of her own. Parv gave up at that point, making Danielle the winner of immunity and 2 points!

At this point JT was suspicious. If Parvarti went out after staying in that long and being in everyone's sites for getting voted out, she might just have an idol.

Back at camp, Russell gave his idol to Parvarti. This is the second time that he gave his hidden idol to someone else. I'm not sure why he didn't wait until after the tribe voted like last time. That would have given him a good feel about how the vote went and everyone would have been on to him anyway.

Amanda and Parv talked some more. Amanda suggested that Parvarti was safe but...she might want to play the idol anyway. Amanda is a terrible liar. Parvarti knew at that point that everyone knew she had the idol and that they were hoping she would play it at council.

At tribal council Coach looked somewhat irritated to be sharing the jury with Courtney.

Rupert re-explained the banana etiquette since James wasn't there to do it.

Russell said that this vote would be the turning point of the game for one tribe. It was "the most important vote I've ever been in."

JT shared that he thought his name would be written down since no one spoke to him all day at camp. Parvarti chimed in that no one was speaking to her, either: "I feel like a leopard!" Okay, maybe she said leper.

Probst wondered if it was because she was used to being the center of attention.

Candice had "I (heart) John" painted on her arm. Potential Johns:

Lennon
Saint/Baptist
Adams
Candy
Cleese
Doe
Wilkes Booth

Sandra had a "1/2 my heart is in Afghanistan" shirt. I wonder where she keeps the rest of it.

The votes were cast and Probst asked if anyone had the idol. Everyone looked expectantly at Parvarti who didn't disappoint. She gave one idol to Sandra and the other to Jerri.

A brilliant move as the entire Hero tribe voted for Jerri. The Villains voted for JT, sending him home with a shell-shocked look.

Next week...aw, who am I kidding? I can't get over this week! How can they top this? Find out next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 9!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 12:19:00 +0000

Courtney slips between the cracks!

Fresh from tribal council, Sandra gloated about the blindside of Coach. She was quite proud of herself for fooling Russell, although I'm not sure it counted since Russell didn't actually vote for Coach.

Danielle promised Geri that she was safe, although she didn't let her in on the plan to blindside Coach. Never a good sign. "Trust me, but I don't trust you enough to let you know what's going on."

Russell wants Sandra or Courtney out next. Who doesn't? There should be a Survivor rule that if you're forced to sit out every challenge you should get sent home. Maybe I'll add a Survivorfest rule where you lose one point every time your person sits out a challenge.

Tree mail was unusually informative, indicating that the immunity challenge would be an endurance challenge between pairs. The first tribe to lose three pair challenges would be the loser.

Each team had to match up their strongest pole-hanger against the other tribe. Everyone seemed to feel like the women have an advantage in this challenge because they're lighter and have smaller feet. With that strategy in mind, the Villains elected to sit out Russell.

Rupert thinks he's the strongest of the Heroes. JT, who won the event on his last Survivor trip, agreed to take second fiddle.

Before the challenge Probst announced that Coach was voted off the night before. This confirmed the Heroes' suspicions that the Villains were controlled by an all-female alliance.

As they started the challenge, Probst mentioned that this was Amanda's 100th day on a Survivor season; a new record. Parvarti's 100th would come the next day. Not sure if that is an honor or a sign that they need to get different people signed up for Favorites seasons.

Courtney's boy-brief underwear is actually starting to fall off of her. I'm not sure how much skinnier she can get.

JT kept giving Russell the head nod, wink and the "stay strong" thing. Russell still can't believe his good fortune.

Colby was the first out, making Geri the winner and giving Villains a 1-0 lead.

Sandra and Rupert were locked up. Geri yelled out "C'mon Sandra, you popped out two babies...this is nothin'!"

Rupert was so dispirited by this that he dropped out, giving the Villains a 2-0 lead. So much for being the strongest. The weight and small feet thing appears to be holding water.

Danielle appeared to be asleep. I honestly think she might have been able to nap through the entire challenge.

Amanda soon dropped out, making Courtney the winner and giving the Villains the win. Of all the remaining women, I suspect Amanda had the biggest feet. This reminded me of one other challenge that Courtney excelled at. Sitting on a balanced oil drum. She weighed so little that she just hung on while everyone else killed themselves trying to stay steady.

The Villains' reward was a special feast hosted by Outback Steakhouse. They even sprung for two cabana boys from Philly to serve the food.

The girls all started out the feast eating a salad. Really? Are you watching your figures? Is that fatty ol' steak going to mess up the diet?

Parvarti opened her napkin and a hidden idol clue popped out. She was able to secret it in her underwear before anyone saw it. She announced she had to go pee so that she could read it.

Because women can't go to the restroom alone, even on Survivor, Danielle went with her. She chose to share the contents of the note with her. It read:

Dear Parvarti,

I think ur neat! After you win the million bucks do you think you'd go out with me?

Your biggest fan,

Cabana boy #2

P.S. Don't trust Russell!

Okay, it really was a hidden idol clue. They decided to hide the note in Danielle's boobs. I have nothing to add to that.

Okay, you know me better than that. Her shirt was so tight that I'm pretty sure that Russell could read the note through her blouse. There. I feel better now.

Parvarti and Danielle got up bright and early the next morning and took a nice morning walk. With a shovel. Using the clue they quickly found the idol. Parvarti found it, so she is awarded 5 points.

Parvarti decided to not tell Russell about the idol. "He thinks he's the king, but I'm the queen. Usually the king does what the queen says, right?" As long as it doesn't interfere with his adultery, yes.

Back at Hero camp, JT unveiled his master plan: At the immunity challenge he would somehow sneak the hidden idol to Russell to help him break the women's alliance. If necessary he would employ the old "hey, y'all...look over there!" move.

To her credit, Amanda had doubts about whether this was a good plan. Not to her credit, she did nothing and let it all unfold. Hey, you don't make it through 100 days of Survivor and not win anything without not doing something! Wait...yeah, that's right.

JT sat down and wrote Russell a letter. It was pretty comical. To summarize:

Dear Russell,

This is JT. The few times we shook hands and exchanged meaningful glances has told me that I can trust you with all my heart. Please take this idol and use it to blind side the evil witch queen Parvarti. Thou shalt present the idol at council to the Probst precisely before the votes are announced. Thou shalt not present the idol before the votes. Thou shalt not present the idol after the votes are read. Thou shalt not wait until you are sharing drinks with Tom and James at the Loser Bar to present the idol....you get the picture.

With deepest admiration and hoping that you are truly a hero at heart,

JT

P.S. Don't trust Parvarti!

The immunity challenge was a water obstacle course where pairs of contestants would drag bags of puzzle pieces through the course to the end, where a puzzle would be assembled.

While on the platform, JT kept staring down Russell like a desperate teenager looks at the prom queen. If I were Russell, I'd blush.

While Russell, the anchor, waited for his turn, Colby told him that JT had a special surprise for him. Russell could barely contain himself. He played it to the hilt, assuring Colby that Parvarti was in charge of the whole thing and he was desperately clinging by his fingernails.

This challenge was over with awfully quick. By the time the Villains got to Courtney, who labored mightily under the weight of the wet bag, the Heroes already had a substantial lead. Even Boston Rob couldn't have saved them.

Heroes win immunity!

During the congratulations JT slipped the idol to Russell without anyone noticing.

At Hero camp JT couldn't be happier: "We just made Survivor history!"

Rupert added: "Russell's probably beaming with excitement! He's probably having trouble containing himself!"

True dat. At Villain camp, Russell gave the note to Parvarti to read and they spent the morning laughing about it. It was just like the prom queen reading aloud poetry written by the quiet, awkward boy who wanted nothing more than to adore her. Sad, really.

Parvarti: "JT gave Russell his heart today, and Russell's gonna stab it like a thousand times and then give it to me and I'm gonna eat it!"

Sandra and Courtney know they're on the outs. Sandra: "I'm gonna miss Courtney. Me without Courtney is like rice without beans!"

The original plan for the alliance was to vote Courtney out, but that was too straightforward. CBS had to add a bunch of diced up footage to make it look like they were going to change their minds and vote off Sandra.

Most telling, when Courtney asked Parvarti how the vote was going to go that night she replied: "Ummm...I don't know..." As I've mentioned before, if you ask someone who they're voting for and they claim they don't know...it's you.

At jury we get our first view of Coach. He's broken out his jury kimono. I wonder if he packed it thinking how spectacular he would look in it after getting voted out late in the game.

Probst asked Danielle to explain why she didn't trust Sandra. And then picked apart her rationale and made her look like an idiot.

Geri tried to distance herself from the Boston Rob alliance, but Courtney called her on it.

It was immaterial as Courtney was voted out. She smiled and said "good luck, bitches!" I don't think I've ever heard that phrase meant to be well-meaning before.

Next week, we have merge! Will JT learn that Russell is not to be trusted? Will the Villains regret leaving Sandra around to confound their plans? Find out next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest - week 8!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 12:19:00 +0000

Coach is blindsided as the Villains continue to disintegrate.

Fresh from the blindside of Boston Rob the Villains returned to camp, buoyed by the gloating Russell. I think we have a new Dragonslayer, folks.

Coach wasn't too happy: "Russell is a bully!"

Gerri seemed to regret getting rid of Rob. Coach, who didn't want to get rid of him at all was none too pleased to hear that she had regrets about fifteen minutes after she ousted him. Gerri seems to be floating through this game without a clue of what she's doing or why she's doing it. I can't see her making it to the final three.

Coach wondered aloud whether he should be making a play to get rid of Russell. Gerri wanted to "wait and see." See what I mean?

At Hero camp JT found himself kind of sort of looking for the idol using the clue the group got at reward challenge.

He managed to find it and was beginning to figure out where he should hide it when Amanda found him. Then along came Candace. JT figured the jig was up so he brought it back to camp. Hidden idol points for JT!

Amanda and Candace weren't fooled. They knew they busted him.

Candace: "JT is the slimiest guy out here."

Evidently the big meal on the island is hermit crab. I don't recall seeing "edible" listed as a feature for those at the pet store. Of course they don't list that for puppies, but I suspect they're tasty, too.

The tribes met for the next challenge. Probst announced that Boston Rob had been voted off at the last tribal council. He asked Rupert what his reaction was to that. Rupert indicated that he thought that an all-women alliance was working its way through the Villain tribe.

JT mouthed to Russell "hang in there!" You could just see the wheels turning in Russell's head.

The Villains assumed that the merge was about to happen so they dragged all their tools and gear along with them. The Heroes had not made the assumption.

Russell hinted that they were smarter for making that leap and being prepared.

Turned out the merge was not taking place after all. The feast of pizza and soda would go to the winner of the reward challenge, which was a Survivor bowling match.

The Villains had to sit two people. Coach stepped up to lead the decision: "I want to win this feast!" They argued briefly that, since Courtney and Sandra would have to sit out the immunity challenge if they skipped the reward challenge, they should participate in this one. No one else stepped up to make the call. Coach, adding that Parv and Danielle had indicated they were good bowlers, had Sandra and Courtney sit.

The first pair to play was Parvarti and Rupert. Parv threw up two gutters. Rupert won with his first toss. Heroes up 1-0.

JT versus Danielle: Danielle also tossed two gutters. JT did well with a six on his first throw. Heroes up 2-0. So much for the "good bowlers".

Russell versus Colby: Both guttered their first throws. Russell knocked down 5 on the second and Colby was only able to answer with one. 2-1 Heroes.

Coach versus Amanda: Both rolled a 5 on their first attempt. Coach got one more on his second roll but Amanda nicked two over to complete the win.

The Heroes enjoyed their feast and planned about how they might rescue Coach and Russell from the evil women Villains. Hmm. That seemed a bit redundant.

The Villains got a double dip of loser-ville since they had to drag their tools and stuff all the way back to camp and set it back up again.

Gerri lost it back at camp, playing second guess with all the day's choices. She blurted out that Sandra and Courtney sucked and should have been left out of the upcoming immunity challenge instead of the reward challenge. Sandra finally found her voice. "I'm sitting right here!"

They exercised a nice group blame-storming session. I don't think they accomplished much, but it seemed like they all agreed it was probably Coach's fault for stepping up to make a decision. Poor Coach.

Sandra was fuming mad. She hates everybody!

Sandra decided that the best way to keep Courtney around was to tell Russell that Coach was gunning for him. Russell's paranoid nature would surely result in an ending to Coach's fairy tale.

Russell set the stage, as he and Sandra sat on the beach chatting and he explained to her how he decided everything and had complete control of the game. Sandra dropped her bait and Russell snapped it up hook, line and sinker. Coach had to go. To help validate his choice he reminded her that this would further the notion that the tribe was performing an all-women alliance, which would surely work in their interest after the merge.

Well, we've reached the part of the season where the contestants have been away from showers and razors too long for the make-up touch-ups to help much. The women are all starting to look like war ghetto prostitutes and the men have migrated from Don Johnson stud-scruffy to Ernest Borgnine. Except Colby. He still looks good.

What does that mean? That's right. It's time to indulge the Survivor fetish-lovers!

Immunity challenge was a mud-strewn obstacle course where a pair of contestants were belted together to make their way through the course to retrieve a flag. First pair to return and drop their flags in the basket would win a point. First tribe to two points wins immunity.

Gerri and Danielle were chosen to sit out this challenge for the Villains.

The first pairs were Russell and Sandra versus Amanda and Candace.

This went pretty poorly for the Villains. Russell, being a bit on the stout side had a little trouble wriggling under the bars but he looked like the Flash compared to Sandra. She took so long to make it through the first obstacle that Russell had time to stand up and stare at her. Halfway through she had run out of gas. It didn't matter...Amanda and Candace had finished with enough time for a spa treatment and massages.

Next up was a one on one (due to the numbers) between Coach and Rupert. This was a good match. Coach lithely slid through the obstacles to take a lead, but Rupert managed to catch up halfway through and even move ahead. Unfortunately for him his toe and sluggish footwork caught up with him and Coach was able to nip him at the line to tie the contest up.

Parvarti and Courtney versus JT and Colby. Yeah, not exactly a dream team match-up, is it?

One might think that Courtney would have an advantage in something like this since she's thin enough to easily side through the obstacles. Well, one would be wrong for two reasons:

1. The first time she hit the mud she immediately doubled her normal weight
2. She is not only super thin, but super feeble as well

She quick got caught in the mud and somehow managed to twist or sprain her ankle in the process. The Heroes won immunity.

Back at Villain camp Coach was starting to feel like his old self. Finally he was one of the best contributors on his tribe. Although his team was losing, he was performing well. He was starting to speak up and assert himself as leader now that Boston Rob was no longer there to fill the void. Need I say it?

"The Dragonslayer is back!"

He wondered aloud about going after Russell, but decided it would be best to remove the weakest of their weak links and get rid of Courtney.

Russell shared his plan to get rid of Coach with Danielle. She couldn't believe it. She argued that if they had any challenges left before the merge that they needed Coach way more than they needed the useless Courtney. Russell wasn't in the mood for debate and stalked off.

After a while he cooled off and returned. He indicated that he had a change of heart and agreed it was time for Courtney to go. He could take out Coach at any other time of his choosing. He was the king, after all.

Courtney seemed oblivious. Either they didn't show her working the rest of the tribe or she spent most of the day moping around camp.

At tribal council Probst pointed out that the Villains had gone from big winners to big losers in rapid fashion. He pointed out that Coach was the only one who had gotten a point at the last challenge.

Coach couldn't get enough: "Awww..." I think he actually blushed.

Probst wondered if the tribe was spending too much effort voting by alliance rather than by ability to win challenges. He called out Courtney wondering why they would remove Rob and Tyson before her, adding "no disrespect."

I'm always amused that when people say "no disrespect intended" or "no offense" it's is almost always accompanied by something highly disrespectful or offensive.An example? "No offense, but that skirt makes you look like a hooker." See? It's hard to see the self-development opportunities there.

Courtney, took exception and pointed out that she wasn't the one who volunteered to sit out every possible challenge. That was everyone elses idea. Ahem. I'd like to buy a clue, please.

She then turned on Coach, calling out his decision to sit her and Sandra in order to try to win the feast instead of keeping them out of the immunity challenge. I'm not sure it makes sense that she argued that it wasn't her fault that she was made to sit out most of the challenges with one breath and then blamed her participation in a loss in another.

Coach chimed in that he wanted to hear her want to participate and want to "go get 'em", because that's how winners act.

Courtney: "Thanks, Dad."

She went on to add: "You guys are looking to target the weak and I'm a poster child for weak Survivor. But I'm a skinny determined bitch willing to put up with a lot of crap to get to the end!"

Sandra and Courtney fist bumped here. I could almost see a Helen Reddy song come out of this:

"I am skinny, hear me bore,
in a weight class too small to ignore...
and I bitch too much to go back and defend.
'Cause I've seen it all before
And yet I still came back for more
I hope someone will carry me to the end again..."

You get the idea.

The vote commenced. Courtney took a parting shot at Coach "nice feather in your hair!"

Gerri looked vaguely queasy. Coach looked excited and alive for the first time all season.

The votes were counted and were split down the middle between Coach and Courtney with one remaining.

Coach was voted out!

Going back through who voted for whom I was shocked to learn that after all that arguing Russell stuck with his (final) decision and voted for Courtney while Danielle actually voted for Coach. Double-yew-tee-eff?!?

Coach became the first member of the jury.

I'm hoping we can make some sense of this next week on...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 7!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:04:00 +0000

Rob heads back to Beantown as the blindsides keep on coming!

Fresh from tribal council the Villains were still reeling over the departure of Tyson.

Rob weighed in with a Survivor Hall of Fame quote: "Russell is like the hobbit on crack!" Yup, Dildo Buggins.

Rob on Tyson getting blindsided in the previous council: "Somethin' doesn't feel right..." ya think? Rob, I'd like to buy a clue for $200.

Rob and his posse listened while Russell, Parvarti and Danielle giggled about the blindside on the other side of their tent. Rob was starting to get paranoid that one of his pals might not be playing straight with him.

Courtney bashed on Russell and Parvarti a bit. Evidently Russell is a "bandy-legged dwarf" and Parvarti will "flirt with anyone". I'm really sensing a blockbuster movie here. The Dwarf and the Princess. We could have Angelina Jolie play Parvarti and Russell would insist on playing himself. Liam Neeson would have to play Coach and someone would foolishly insist on portraying Jude Law in the role of Jeff Probst. Halfway through the film there would need to be a pot-induced modern dance sequence. I'm just spit-balling here...

Parvarti played psychologist for Gerri: "she can't get over all the people who disappointed her and she's taking it out on everyone else...Okay, crazy pants!"

At Hero camp Rupert called on Colby to step it up, now that they dropped James in favor of him. Colby can't believe he's still in the game.

The reward challenge was a basketball game in waist-deep water. First team to three points win. Reward was a nice meal at an outdoor waterfall. I'm sure they were really digging having an outdoor picnic after freezing their tails off the night before and then doing a water challenge.

First teams were all guys. I had forgotten Coach sucked so much at physical/skill challenges. And at basketball. Colby missed a couple of early chances before finally draining one.

The second group was mixed women and men. I think Coach liked having all of the women grabbing at him. It looked to me like he was holding onto the ball hoping they would cuddle with him a bit...maybe call him the Dragonslayer and smooth out his rumpled smurf hat. Eventually he got distracted and the Hero tribe got the ball back. A quick pass to Candace and the Heroes took a 2-0 lead.

Back to the men. Rupert and Russell were going at it while JT picked up the ball, fed Colby and ended the game. Rupert and Russell were still wrasslin' around. I'm surprised Probst didn't break them up.

At the reward meal, Candace found another hidden idol clue. The group agreed to try to find it together and use it at the merge. We'll see...

At Villain camp Russell called Coach and Gerri over to try to bring them into his alliance. He offered to take them to the final 3.

Coach didn't seem to be buying what Russell was selling. Gerri seemed to be though. Coach found this troubling. He told Gerri he was hurt that she seemed to hold him in the same regard as Russell as far as trust and didn't consult with him about agreeing to anything before speaking to Russell. I think the problem is that everyone knows that Coach will promise something on the spot and then feel obliged to follow through.

Coach: "Gerri and I are honor bound to play this game together!" But he can't believe that Gerri would "put all of her eggs in Russell's basket."

Gerri: "I like Coach, but he's so naive."

I'm convinced that Coach is terribly frustrated that he's on the Villain team. We've barely seen a whiff of the Coach of old who sucked at every challenge but talked like a world-beater.

The Immunity challenge was a relay race over a net to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces to be used to complete a puzzle.

The Villains took a quick lead that they kept all the way to near the end, when Courtney appeared to run out of gas. The Heroes took back the lead, and got a head start on the puzzle.

This time JT and Amanda were able to seal the deal, breaking the curse of the puzzle challenges.

Back at camp, Coach wanted to get rid of Courtney, the weakest link in the tribe. The rest of the tribe seemed to posture around keeping the tribe strong, but clearly were acting to strengthen the position of their own alliance.

Rob and Russell discussed next steps. Russell suggested they vote off one of the two weakest people: Sandra or Courtney. Of course they were sitting right there listening to the conversation. Bold strategy, Russell!

Rob is a master manipulator. When he approached Coach he asked him what he wanted to do, knowing that Coach wanted to feel in charge for a change.

Coach gushed all over him: "Rob, you're my right hand man!" But the two seemed at odds over next steps. Coach wanted Courtney or Parvarti out. Rob wanted Russell gone.

Russell and his group started thinking about blindsiding Rob. Coach didn't feel right about that. Although he was "with you guys 100%".

Coach was freaking out. He promised his loyalty to Rob but also to Gerri and it seemed like he had to make a choice.

Rob told Gerri she needed to do what was best for her in the game. Another nice touch. Don't try to look like you're telling her what to do, tell her she knows the right thing to do.

At council, Coach spoke to the divided tribe, indicating that he and Gerri were "floaters". I couldn't agree more. In fact, I suggest we accept this as a term for Survivors who drift between alliances, useful only until one alliance has enough strength so that they don't need them any more. Done? Done.

Russell, perhaps sensing impending victory, really started running his mouth. Plus he had that gleeful look in his eyes. He started saying things he usually reserved for private camera time like "if you cross me you gotta go" and such.

A quick word about Russell. The role playing game Dungeons and Dragons has a useful character-alignment system that tries to define a character or creature's general attitude and outlook on life. The way Russell plays Survivor would classify as chaotic evil. He does most things out of self-interest, but when faced with a neutral opportunity he goes well out of his way to do the "wrong" thing. An example: Walking across the street, Russell sees a small child in a stroller drop her cookie out of reach. A character of good would pick the cookie up and hand it to the child. A neutral character would keep on walking, possibly not even noticing the situation. A chaotic evil character will likely stop, take the cookie and slowly eat it in front of the child just to watch her cry. Sorry for the detour. Just wanted to throw that out there. Anyone for a quick game of D&D?

Coach tried to make peace, begging for Russell and Rob to work together. It sounded a lot like a child trying to keep mommy and daddy from breaking up. Too little, too late.

The votes were cast:

The alliances split their votes between Rob and Russell which left the decision up to the floaters. Gerri voted Rob and Coach threw his vote away on Courtney.

As Rob stood to leave he hugged Gerri. Coach got up to get him some and Rob dissed him: "you're a little man." Ouch!

In the next two weeks I predict:

Coach will weep like a small child!
The Villain tribe will lose challenges and further disintegrate!
The tribes will merge!
Russell will claim to be the puppet master at least four times!

See you next week on....Survivorfest!

Survivorfest - week 6!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 20:02:00 +0000

Tyson and James are both blindsided!

Fresh from council after voting off Tom, James asked Colby if he'd like a hug. Colby declined, but I think he really wanted one.

Candace was smart with her vote. She wanted to stay aligned with Tom and Colby but knew what was going to happen so she saved her vote.

At the Villain camp, the two biggest players, Rob and Russell had a little nocturnal discourse. That's not quite how it sounds. I think that maybe Rob was keeping watch to make sure that none of the other camp tools "grew legs and walked off". The pair didn't resolve much. Boston Rob made some thinly veiled threats and Russell...Well, Russell needs to work on his verbal play. He effectively said: "well I know what you are, but what am I?"

The challenge was a ropes maze where each tribe would complete individually. The winner for each tribe would receive individual immunity and compete against each other to win a reward of hot dogs, sodas and a chance to listen in on the other tribe's council that night. Both tribes would be voting someone off this evening.

The Heroes went first. James, although hindered by his bad knee, managed to keep up for much of the challenge. Probst marveled at his effort while Courtney ran a snarky play by play. "Oh, that's amazing!" "What a shocker!" In the end, however, Candace pulled ahead to win. 2 points for Candace owners!

The Villains went next and Boston Rob took an early lead which he used to cruise to a win. Of note in this challenge:

Courtney maybe made it halfway through. I think the rope may have been too heavy for her. "What a shocker!"
Sandra never made it past the first post. I'm not sure but I think she may have clasped her carabiner onto the pin that held the rope. She went nowhere.
That was one big-time crotch blur on Danielle as she ducked through the post. I wonder if her clown swimsuit finally gave up the ghost.

2 points for anyone with Boston Rob!

The next phase of the challenge added a third level to the maze. I think this was a huge advantage for Rob as he most likely has better upper body strength. Candace and Rob went after it. They were closely matched until, yup, the climbing seemed to take the wind out of Candace and Rob settled in to a fairly easy win.

At camp Villain, Coach is feeling the pull of multiple alliances. He still wants Parvarti gone.

Rob is clearly running the show. He dictated that half of his alliance should vote Russell and the other half take Parvarti. That way, regardless of who did or didn't have the idol, it would get purged and one of the two would be voted off.

To ice the cake he pulled Russell aside and warned him that if he didn't have the hidden idol (virtually certain after he spent two straight days digging for it and then suddenly stopped) he had better find it. Russell still hadn't come up with a good zinger to lay on him so he mostly just fumed.

Say what you will about Russell, he knows how the game works. He realized that the best strategy would be to split the votes and get either him or Parvarti. He came up with a strategy to work around it. He took Tyson aside and told him that he'd done all he could for Parvarti, but that she was gone and that was that. Tyson, seeing an opportunity to make sure that she was going home considered changing his voted from Russell to Parvarti to make sure that's what happened.

Not sure what Parvarti did to irritate Tyson so much that even Russell noticed. I wonder if she's been making fun of his bicycle shorts or his naked dance. Hard to say.

At the Hero camp, Colby knows he's on the outs. He told everyone not to worry about scheming and just to enjoy the afternoon and not give the villains anything to learn that evening at council.

James asked Colby where the old Colby was. The new one wouldn't lose a challenge to a fat man and a cripple!

Evidently James' eating habits were bothering his tribemates. A couple of bananas on the way out of camp, a couple more on the way in...Amanda warned him that the others were concerned about his knee and the gratuitous banana gobbling.

James was shocked to learn that there was such a thing as banana etiquette. He also challenged JT to a race to how that his knee was still functional. JT beat him running backwards, but James indicated that his knee didn't hurt. Laughs all around.

At the Villains council, Sandra warned Russell again that he had better have the idol. I like the brutal honesty of the Villains tribe. They pretty much just let everything fly. I'm sure it's very healthy.

When Sandra went to vote, she muttered (about Russell) "You need to get in the ocean and wash your ass! I can't stand you! Adios!" I'm sorry but that's what I heard. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. Surprisingly the only Google hit for the exact phrase "wash your ass in the ocean" was another site's reference to the same statement. To expound on how unusual that is I will report on random phrases:

"cheese in my ear" - 42,000 results
"monkey balls for breakfast" - 672 results
"dick clark is a zombie" - 4,580 results
"i am my own uncle" - 34,800 results
"tony woltermann is a stone cold stud" - 0 results. Well, no study is without outliers. I think you get my point.

Probst asked if anyone had the hidden idol and Russell, in a rare moment of panache stood up, walked over to him and then said "not like this." He then proceeded to tell Coach that he was a man of his word and that he was going to give his idol to Parvarti. Coach smiled hugely. Finally, someone was playing this game with honor!

Parvarti acted shocked and surprised and this stroke of fortune. Considering that Russell had told her earlier in the day that he was going to do this, I wonder...Russell might want to take note of this in case she tries to distance herself from him.

I can see it now: "I don't know why he gave me that idol! It was sweet but I hardly even talk to him!"

Probst went to count the votes. First two were for Russell. He looked worried. The next three were for Parvarti and did not count. The next was also for Parvarti and did not count. Boston Rob looked confused, because he could count. The next three votes were for Tyson, knocking him out of the game in shocking fashion.

Tyson: "I was a victim of my own stupidity. Fortunately I'm still pretty awesome."

Russell was the big winner in that he stayed in the game, got the idol out of the way, kept his alliance and picked up some serious cred with Coach.

Boston Rob had to feel the pain of someone who formulated the perfect plan just to see someone else screw it up.

The Villains migrated to the side to eat their dogs and soda while the Heroes tribe filed in.

It's gotta be irritating for the Heroes to do poorly in challenges only to get nailed with a "both tribes will vote someone off challenge". It's like CBS is trying to race toward a merge.

James recounted his disappointment with Colby's effort so far in the game. "It's like rooting for Superman and when you get up close it's just a guy in a fat suit!" By the way: "superman in a fat suit" - 9,230 results.

Amanda seemed to be really mopey at council. That's odd.

Colby proceeded to write off the season. He wished he could have done better but he's just not getting it done.

The votes were in and, surprisingly, James was out! I'm not sure whether it was losing a footrace to JT or all those bananas, but James was headed to the cabana to have a shot with Tom. That explains Amanda's pouting.

What will the repercussions be from this week?!? Find out on the next...Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 5!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 21:46:00 +0000

Tom slides out!

Fresh from tribal council JT apologized for not letting his pals know his plan. "If I'd have known what I was gonna do, I woulda told ya!" I'm not sure what's worse. A tribemate who crosses his/her alliance or one who can't decide what to do.

Rupert wasn't too happy about it. I'm a little surprised as I think he should feel relieved. He as much as admitted that he was voting alliance, not strength of tribe. This gave him the best of both worlds.

JT promised to Amanda that he wouldn't turn on her. No one seems to trust the old country boy quite so much as before.

At Camp Villain, Coach led the tribe (sans Russell) in some "Dragonslayer Chi". I cannot fathom how he can say stuff like that with a straight face. I checked. Coach does not have a book about Dragonslaying or Tai-Chi.

Russell invested some time searching for the hidden idol. It appeared as though he had hollowed out the entire root system in the two days he'd been looking. Eventually he found it. I wonder if the cameraman took pity on him and just tossed it in the hole he had dug. Those things are never that hard to find. Maybe they figured they needed to bury it extra deep so that Russell wouldn't find it without a clue.

5 points for anyone who has Russell!

I wonder how long it will be before he tells someone he found it? He simply can't keep news like that to himself.

The reward challenge was for two pairs of contestants to battle for what appeared to be rugby balls. They would toss the balls up to another pair who would try to toss the balls into a basket. First team to hit two baskets wins.

Reward was a trip to a waterfall with a feast of chocolate. To whet their appetites Jeff passes around a plate of chocolate pieces. The men of the hero tribes stoically passed. I think Jeff was offended. Colby and Probst were snapping at each other. Over chocolate!

Colby: "I just wanna get to the challenge!"
Probst: "And I just want you to eat my chocolate, you ingrate! You never like what I make and it hurts!" Okay, I made that up.

Probst: "Who's going to sit for the Heroes?" Colby. Go figure.

Within the first few minutes of the challenge James went down with a knee injury. I'm no doctor but my money is on a torn ACL. He was unable to put weight on it and was relegated to the bench.

JT threw like a sissy. You'd figure a good ol' boy would be able to toss a pigskin, wouldn't you?

Amanda hit the first basket and the heroes went up 1-0. Uh-oh...a lead.

Things got a little ugly then. JT body slammed Coach and Rupert slammed Jeri's face against the fence post. Some heroes.

Unperturbed, Tyson picked up the next basket to tie things up.

Probst: "Whoever gets this next basket wins the chocolate feast!" Wasn't that a line out of the Wizard of Oz?

Jeri shook off the face plant she took and nailed the winning basket. Villains win chocolate reward!

The choco feast was enough to give me a stomachache just looking at it. After a couple of weeks of starvation diet I can't imagine what all that rich chocolate would do to their digestive systems. Okay, I can. And it ain't pretty.

The swimming hole was cool. A clear, blue, salt-water affair tucked under the landscape.

Russell stayed up top with Parvarti, who evidently had developed a British accent. Maybe chocolate does that to her. Russ told her he had the idol and seemed a little miffed that she didn't tell him how awesome he was. Maybe looking by yourself for an idol for two days with the clue isn't as glorious as it seemed.

Russell decided to tell Coach, promising to take him through the merge. Coach was so honored that someone trusted him that he bowed down in homage to Russell. Now THAT's more like it, right Russell?

"The King and the Dragonslayer!" Yeah, that's what he wanted.

Back at the Hero camp, Amanda was crying like a baby. With James potentially leaving, she was out one meal ticket. But wait...who's that limping along the beach? It's James! Everyone with James as a winner can breathe a modest sigh of relief.

Immunity challenge was to have pairs of people blindfolded with a caller to direct them to large puzzle pieces laid out in the field. Once all the pieces were retrieved, the teams would complete a puzzle.

James was the caller for the Hero team. I can hear him now: "Left, y'all!!!"

The first challenge seemed to be in keeping partners together. It was like a Survivor swinger's party. I figured they would have tied them together, but no.

Rob ran into a piece. Must've hurt himself since he went forward for the rest of the challenge with one hand over his groin.

James: "Stop, y'all!" Yup. Figured. In addition to damaging his knee, James was also losing his voice.

The heroes managed to retrieve all of their pieces first to gain a substantial head start. Uh-oh.

The villains finished getting their puzzle pieces and quickly completed the challenge. Villains win immunity! Again!

I'm starting to think that the Villains have one excellent puzzle solver, possibly Boston Rob, and that has been the biggest difference. The reward challenge was bad luck with James going down and several potential winning shots bouncing off of the rim. The big ball and maze was really close, too. The sumo challenge was a cakewalk. All the rest of the challenges had puzzles, right?

Back at camp, the Heroes were back to the unfortunate task of deciding who would leave next.

Candice is now playing the role of Cirie, working the line for anyone not named Candice. Or Cirie.

James wants Tom off, feeling that he was the problem with the puzzles. "He's got a good knee but he's still messed up...what's his excuse?"

Candice pointed out that James couldn't run with his bad knee. Heck he was never much of a swimmer, strategizer, balancer or puzzle-solver either.

At council Probst taunted James (probably because he figured he could keep his distance): "Right now my niece could beat you in a race, James!"

James "No she couldn't...and neither could you." I thought for a brief moment that Probst would take him up on that. How cool would that be?

Probst: "For an extra immunity idol, James versus Jeff! If I win, I want you to bring me back the head of Mark Burnett!"

James called out Tom and Candice as being the reason for so many losses. JT was clearly uncomfortable. He's just too nice to get stuck in between like this. It's killing him.

James summed it all up: "If y'all think that you have a better chance of winning with Tom than me, then vote me off!"

The votes went in. Tom had a nice line: "James...all mass, no class."

All the witty sayings in the world couldn't buy the votes needed, however. Tom was out.

Next week: will James be able to manage with one leg? Will the Heroes ever retain a lead? Will Boston Rob ever ditch that silly hat? These questions answered and more on....Survivorfest!

Survivorfest week 4!

noreply@blogger.com (Incredulous) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 13:19:00 +0000

Cirie's wild coattail ride comes to an abrupt end!

Fresh from voting off the "abrasive" Randy, Coach had a breakdown in front of Tyson.

"I do noble things but I look dis-noble! Why doesn't anyone say anything good about me?!?" I don't think dis-noble is a real word, by the way. My spellchecker agrees.

I hate to think that Coach might be reading my blog. But I'll risk it. You don't earn man points by weeping like a baby, Coach!

Tyson was remarkably supportive, which I think also cost him some man points.

Tyson offered up some personal life advice that I would've figured someone, somewhere might have imparted to Coach before:

Don't tell your weird stories...no one believes you
Don't wear feathers in your hair to tribal council (or: you are not a Mohican)
Don't do Tai Chi in public (hey, a million Chinese people do it every day).

They gave each other lots of extra hugs, wiped away the tears and went back to camp.

Alert blog reader Jonna indicated that I'd missed Tyson kissing JT before the mud challenge last week.

I'd like to point out that in Tyson's original season I suggested he would be a strong candidate because traditionally Mormons have done well in this game. Especially the gay ones (see Todd: Survivor - China). Maybe he's trying to improve his odds this season.

Coach woke the next morning still in a funk. Maybe he didn't sleep well with that fork sticking out of him.

Coach went off to mope and Rob followed him. Coach blathered on: "I want to bond with you! I wanna do stuff together!" Reminiscent of Champ the sports anchors gushing in the movie Anchorman: the Legend of Ron Burgundy (unfortunately I couldn't find the whole segment on YouTube):

Coach shared that he was like the last of the Mohicans and King Arthur. I wonder if he knows how things turned out for those guys.

Reward challenge was a nice product placement for Sears complete with catalog.

The challenge was a slip'n'slide race between two players who were to pull a numbered ball off a string and attempt to toss it into a basket. First team to four baskets would win reward. To improve the slide (and, no doubt, the ratings) the players all oiled up. I think James brought his own from home.

First pair up was Coach and Tom. Coach coasted to a quick basket. The Dragonslayer lives!

Next pair was Russell and Cirie. Russell absolutely flew down the slide while Cirie danced her way to the basket. Russell had banked his shot in before Cirie even reached the foul line.

Next pair was Courtney and Candace. Candace won because Courtney wasn't strong enough to pull the ball off of the string. 2 to 1 villains.

Jerri versus Amanda - Please, child. Jerri won.

Sandra against James? Don't even ask. James slid right through and hit his first shot. Sandra took on a curious crawling strategy. I think she's still making her way down the slide. 3 to 2 villains.

Danielle versus Rupert: Rupert hung on to win despite his broken toe. The only better effort was the one put in by Danielle's bathing suit. I only hope that some day science can explain how she stays in that thing because it seems to be at least two sizes too small. 3 to 3 tie!

The last pair to go was Tyson and Colby. Colby took a nice lead, which seems to be the kiss of death for the Heroes tribe. Both missed several shots, but eventually Tyson dropped his in.

Villains win reward!

Along with the fine Sears-supplied products, there was an idol clue. It dropped out in the open, so the whole tribe was aware of it. They decided that it would be a bad idea for anyone to have it because it would plant a target on that person's back. A few minutes later Russell announced loudly and awkwardly that he need to take a walk. To do some...thing. Verrrrry subtle.

Rob had Sandra follow him and she confirmed that he was looking for the hidden idol.

Back at the Hero camp, they found a similar idol clue in the coffee container. Again, everyone was standing around, so they all got the clue. They all split up and started looking for it.

Tom found it first, earning 5 points for anyone who has him. He tried to slip it in his pants and walk off, but Amanda spotted him. Lord knows she had nothing else to do, since she wasn't actually dong anything productive like...I don't know...working around camp or looking for the idol.

Colby: "This is what we needed. We're a little better than we were." I'm trying to remember if anyone who ever had a hidden immunity idol ever won the million dollars...Can't think of any.

The immunity challenge was a re-run of the one they couldn't complete last season because Russell B had a medical emergency. I propose we call it "the Widowmaker" from now on. Seriously, shouldn't all of these challenges have some cool name? I think CBS is really missing an opportunity here. "the Ballbuster!" "the Slick!" Admit it, you're thinking of some now, aren't you?

One pair of blindfolded people would push a "leader" in a large ball down a path. After navigating the path the leader would direct two blind-folded people standing at a maze table to drop a ball in a basket at the end of the maze.

Tom was in one ball and Rob in the other.

The villains took an early lead this time and got a head start on the maze. Rob is looking large and in charge right now.

The Heroes made up some time on the maze and both teams were neck and neck. The Villain tribe managed to drop their ball in the net first, winning another immunity round.

Back at Camp Hero, Cirie was back to her usual plan. Voting out anyone not named Cirie. She and Candace decided the best bet would be to split votes between Tom and Colby, flushing out the idol and further weakening their alliance.

JT was at odds with this as he didn't like how much Candace was working the rest of the tribe. Tom sweetened the deal by offering JT or Amanda the immunity idol if they turned on Candace.

James summed up his usual strategy: "Who we voting? Okay. See you guys tonight at council."

Amanda told Cirie about the new plan to keep Tom and drop Candace. Cirie read her the riot act about being stupid. "Amanda's not the sharpest tool in the shed."

Amanda, for her part, looked like she realized that she was, in fact, flirting with double-digit IQ points.

This started a whole new round of debate.

JT seemed to be the only one undecided about which way to go. At this point I am fully invested in the theory that Colby is going home and CBS is doing their best to make things look interesting.

At council Rupert indicated that he will vote according to his alliance and not what will make his team stronger. I would like to point out that, while a fan favorite, Rupert has never finished in the money in this game.

Probst couldn't believe he was setting aside the "Outwit" part of the game.

James restated his policy of not playing any type of a social game. I think he would be more than happy to do nothing but work at camp and do the challenges. I would also like to point out that James hasn't sniffed the million dollar prize in this game, either.

The votes went in and Tom played his idol. Probst didn't call for it which made me wonder if he forgot or if he assumed that anyone who has it will know to use it at that time.

The first three votes were for Tom so they didn't count. The next four were mixed for Colby and Cirie. The final vote came in and Cirie was blindsided.

Next week we have another possible Survivor medical event! Will it be Coach's broken ego? JT's damaged honesty? Rob's fractured villain-ness? Or will Danielle's clown bikini finally give up the ghost leading to the biggest wardrobe malfunction since the Superbowl XXXVIII halftime show?

We'll find out next week on...Survivorfest!