I Have Issues

I’ve Caught a Fish this Fucking Big!

2014-07-17T22:19:00.002-07:00

This isn’t my greatest or funniest blog. It’s about fishing and unless you fish it’s kind of boring. But I already wrote it, so here it is anyway.

I’m not going to lie. I’m not the greatest fisherman. I can’t properly tie a good knot or I haven’t even caught that many fish in my lifetime. I caught a trout once. But it was at a trout farm and they would go after cigarette butts. It wasn’t even that delicious.

So you’re probably thinking, why would I take the advice from an amateur fisherman? Well I know some good advice and tips for rookie fishermen.

Fishing is like golf. The better you’re at golfing, the funner it is. I was at the driving range and this dude was clueless. He was lucky to even hit the ball in the air or more than twenty feet.

And he will never get any better unless he gets lessons. My game improved so much after like three lesson sessions. Some tips for golfers; keep you’re head down, make slow backswings and for the love of God don’t try to kill it.

The same goes for fishing. No amount of time fishing will make you any better. In fact, I used to spend more time setting my line up and everything than actual fishing.

I think there are three classes of fisherman. There are great fisherman. Like my buddy’s dad. He’s obsessed with fishing. He must own like thirty rods and makes his own lures. He has a huge northern pike on his mantle. It’s fucking sweet; I wish I had one too.

Then there are rookie fisherman who are completely clueless. They will be lucky to catch anything. Like a sunfish. The first fish I ever caught was a sunfish. Now they’re just a tease. And they have those spikes on their back and piss all over you when you’re trying to get the damn hook out.

Then there are amateurs like myself. We usually buy good fishing lures and equipment but we are lucky to catch anything big. But I do have some pointers. First off, shop around for places to buy tackle.

I find Wal-Mart and other big stores are expensive. In fact I hardly buy anything at Wal-Mart now. They used to be cheap but not so much anymore. For example, it’s cheaper to buy food at the grocery store. I rather buy videogames at the videogame store. I rather buy movies at Futureshop or the pawn shop. And I don’t buy clothes there, except the odd time for jeans and shoes.

I prefer to buy anything at dollar stores first. I have found the exact same thing there for two buck that is six bucks at Wal-Mart. I usually find fishing line, lures, fake worms, weights, swivels and hooks there. And they are pretty decent. I even bought a Rapala rod and reel at the bargain store for ten bucks. They cast far and are just as good as any. And I go to specialty fishing stores to buy every else.

Keep it simple. You don’t need some huge ass tackle box with a million lures and equipment. I’ve seen people who spent a fortune on all these different tackle and still catch nothing. Bring what you will most likely only use and store everything else in another tackle box just in case.

You only need to use a plain tackle box or tool box. And again, another tackle box for everything else you don’t really use at the moment. There’s no point in bringing excessive stuff. Just an ordinary box; no shelves or anything. I use it to keep everything I need except for sharp objects such as hooks or lures.

Then I use a plain clear box or injection box with sections to keep hooks and lures. Make sure it’s closes tight. One time my cheap ass container opened and everything fell out. It was a bitch to pick everything up. I lost so many small hooks in the grass and almost stabbed myself trying to pick them up. I like the ones where you can place different dividers to accommodate everything.

This is all what you really need. A cheap pair of scissors is a must. You can get one at the dollar store. Obviously you need to cut line. Like the extra line after you tie a knot. Or when you must cut the line when a fish swallows the hook and you can’t get it out. Or when you get snag it in a tree or bush that you can’t rip it off. It’s a lot easier than biting it.

You might want to bring a net but I unless I have someone else to use it I don’t bother. Next you need two pliers. I spent about ten bucks to get special ones at the fishing store. You want long narrow ones so when the fish swallows the hook deep down in its throat.

And you can get cheap ordinary ones at the dollar store to grab the hook firmly when it’s caught in the fish’s mouth. For example catfish mouths are a bitch to get the hook out. And while you are trying to help out the poor thing they try to sting you with those um, stingers. And you need them to open and close those Pacman weights.

Next you need weights. There are two different weights I use. The weights that I call Pacman weights. They’re the ones that look like balls and at the end that you can open and close them with pliers. You want to close them firmly so they don’t fall off but you can still slide them up or down to change depth. I’ll get back to that.

I also use long heavier weights with a ring at the top. This is when you want the weight at the bottom. I won’t attempt to explain it, just look up on Youtube to figure out how to set your line up with the weight at the bottom.

I usually use two ounces or so depending on how heavy you want it for optimal casting. I also use these weights when you put new line on the reel and you want to straighten it out and make it so it’s not so curly. Just spend some time casting on your lawn before you actually fish.

Then you need bobbers or floaters. There are two main types. There are the round ones that look like pokemon balls. They work, but I don’t recommend them. You really need the slip float ones so they float better and are easier for the fish to pull and tug down.

Then there are two types of slip float ones. The ones with the spring on them or the hollow ones. Normally you need a bobber stop for the hollow ones.

This is what I use instead and its so much simpler. Just feed the line through it and then put a Pacman weight below it. This way it stays in position but you can still easily adjust the depth by sliding the weight. I figured this out on my own and I swear by it.

Next I recommend swivel clips. There are two uses for these. You need them to for lures so they spin. And they’re much easier to try and change different hooks and lures by simply opening the clip.

Otherwise you spend more time tying good knots. Just look it up on Youtube to tie a knot to your swivel like a pro. You don’t want to lose a big fish when its isn’t properly tied. This happened to me a few times when I have a huge fucker and lose it. What a bitch.

Then there are the hooks. You want the right size. I used to think the bigger the hook, the bigger the fish. But not necessarily. A small hook can still get stuck in a fish’s mouth. If it’s too big it might scare the fish away. You want barbs to help snag it. Sure it’s harder to get the hook out but it’s worth it. Just don’t get a hook in your arm.

I looked up how to remove hooks from you’re arm. This guy demonstrated it by putting three hooks in his own damn arm and showing different methods. What balls. I don’t like fishing around other people. I like talking to them but I’m afraid I might get a hook in my eye or mouth when they fuck up a cast. Kind of like in There’s Something About Mary.

Then you can get the prepared hook with a short line with a loop at the end to tie it. Otherwise a plain hook has a small circle and it’s a bitch to feed the line through. So with the prepared hooks I store them in the container.

Otherwise with plain hooks I just use a clear pill box to put them in. It’s so much safer and easier to store and pull them out. Try to buy a variety of different sizes. Sometimes you want to try a triple hook too.

Then there are the lures. I bought some good ones for a buck at the dollar store that are like five bucks at Wal-Mart. They work but I don’t generally like them. With lures you have to reel in your line so they move and spin. I’ve tried putting bait on them too to double my odds. Again different lures work with different fish.

So this is my simple setup. First feed the line through the float. Then put on a Pacman weight below it with the pliers. Then pull enough line through so you can tie a swivel. .

If you can’t tie a fancy knot then just tie simple knots over and over again. Then cut excess line and clip on a hook.

And adjust the height of the float depending on how deep the water is. You want it about a foot off the bottom. Otherwise you’re hook lies at the bottom and is sometimes hidden in the weeds. And once you’re done, take the hook off the swivel.

Then there is the bait. Normally people buy worms. I’ve also heard people like finding them on the golf course at night. Here’s a trick my dad told me. Put a piece of wood on the lawn and the next day you might find some worms underneath. Because my dad will never let me dig in his garden.

They work but they are annoying to put on and they easily fall off. They don’t last too long in the heat. And sometimes the fish just pick at it. Fake worms work too. I also recommend using that fish scent spray.

So here is my biggest tip for all fishermen. Use bacon. Bacon is cheap and you can buy it anywhere. It last forever and stays on the hook. I just keep it in a bag and store in the fridge or cellar for another time.

You want to make it into a ball and cover the hook so fish aren’t scared away. You don’t need too much either or they will nibble at it. And trust me fish go nuts over it. I usually reel in my line every ten minutes.

I got some rod holders. All you do is stick the holder deep into the ground. Then cast the line and put the rod in the holder. That way you can free your hands and do whatever you feel like. Like eat, drink, read a good novel or play angry birds.

I used to use two rods to double the odds. It’s a good thing I mentioned that to the clerk at the fishing store because you’re not allowed to use more than one rod in Canada. He said if you get caught they can seize your fishing stuff or even your car. Oh and you probably need a fishing license.

Now I know this happens to everyone. You’re reeling in your line and boom you think you have a huge fucker. But no, you have a snag or you’re pulling on some weeds. Here’s an obvious tip. Open the reel clip or whatever you call it and if you have a fish it would take the line.

I find you either catch a lot of fish or you don’t catch anything. It depends on if they’re biting or not. I find early morning or late at night the optimal time to fish. They like to hide in the weeds and shade. I also like cloudy days and still water.

Always bring a camera. You don’t know what you’re going to catch. You don’t want to land the biggest fish ever and have nobody around to believe you. “Sure Greg, you caught the mother of all catfish. Sure.” But I did catch the mother of all catfish. And it’s always good to have somebody around to take a picture of you. I’ve tried taking some selfies but they just don’t come out right.

Sometimes you catch things other than fish. I’ve accidently caught turtles a couple of times. Some were small enough to be able to get the hook out. One was larger and I just cut the line. I need my fingers to play Star Craft 2. Besides buddy told me it would eventually fall out.

Then I caught a seagull at the ponds near my home. A long time ago I’d go fishing for carp with a loaf of bread. What I’d do is throw chunks of bread onto the surface of the water to attract the fish. Then all I’d use is just a hook, put a piece of bread on it and then cast it among the other bread crumbs. Then eventually a carp will go for it.

So the carp were going nuts over it and then out of nowhere a seagull swooped down and just so happened to swallow my bread crumb. At the time I was scared shitless. But in retrospect it was pretty funny.

It was flying all over the place and giving me a good fight. My neighbor was walking his dog and came by and was like “what the fuck are you doing?!” Don’t worry, he helped me out and the seagull lived another day to eat people’s fries and be annoying.

Now I forget what you use, I think its Alka-Seltzer. And when you feed it to seagulls they explode. I’ve seen it on Youtube and as evil as it sounds it’s hilarious. When I was younger we tried anti-acids because seagulls have so much vinegar and shit in their stomach. They didn’t explode but they did swoop down for water.

The ducks are a problem too. They have become custom to people feeding them. So I’m in my favorite spot and soon the ducks come by. I tried throwing rocks near them to scare them away. They thought it was bread and went after it. So I moved and they followed me everywhere I went. And it ruined my day. But they’re so cute.

The Most Incredibly Random Drunken Blog Ever! (Or the Atheist Blog)

2014-07-09T23:50:00.002-07:00

First off I warn you how fucking random this is. By the way I later changed the name to the Most Incredibly Random Drunken Blog Ever afterwards because of how random it is. It’s kind of stupid but hey I’m drunk.

I know what you’re thinking, another blog about how Greg doesn’t believe in God. It’s just that I find the subject of religion fascinating and it’s where I get most of my material.

I’m an exclusive beer drinker. Normally I think getting drunk is something you do with your friends where you can get stupid and have a good time. Its’ all about the journey of drinking and getting progressively drunker.

That’s why I don’t drink liquor. I don’t like the taste and I find that I drink too fast and get sick. I might do shots with my friends just because we're doing shots. But have you been around someone who is the only one who is hammered? Their obnoxious.

In fact normally I don’t like being drunk alone. It’s stupid and boring when you have nobody to talk to. And that’s why I’m writing this random blog. I rather smoke weed because I like being high better than being drunk.

It’s just that I enjoy sipping beer and eating popcorn while watching a movie or T.V. And my mom was supposedly looking for something and found my favorite pipe and stash and threw it out. Science dammit!

Probably the only time I go out to the bar now is on Wednesday for cheap wings. I mainly do that to bring my dad some wings home and to just to get out of the house every once in a while. Sometimes my friends show up, sometimes I just talk to random people. Today I had nobody really to talk to and I had to watch the baseball game instead of World Cup.

And now I’m about to write about World Cup. This is an example of how fucking random I am, especially when I’m drunk. I have a huge problem of switching subjects when I get bored with one. My friends know this all too well.

Like we might be talking about some idiot from work and then I mention Sara Palin. And then I go on to talk about American Politics. And then I somehow get to talking about legalizing weed. That’s how my brain works. And yes I talk way too much about weed.

Back to soccer. First off who was the idiot that called American football football? It doesn’t make any sense. Football has nothing to do with feet except for the punter. I don’t know my history but I’m pretty sure soccer was invented before football and the people who called football football could have come up with a more sensible name like tackleball, handball or Americanball.

And soccer is without a doubt the most popular sport in the world. Except here in North America. And this except for non multi-cultural people living in North America. I love playing and watching soccer. I’ll admit I like hockey more but it’s still my second favorite sport. My friends on the other hand hate soccer but love baseball.

I mean look at other sports like baseball. Again I realize how random this is. I’ll get to my atheist blog eventually. Unless you’re drinking and eating hotdogs it so fucking boring. For one thing you hardly get any action or playtime.

For the infield players (I don’t know what you call it) the pitcher gets to play the most. And it takes forever when he throws the ball or if some idiot wants to steal a base. They should just get rid of that. And the rest of the players might get to catch and throw the ball every once in a while.

The only fun part is to be at bat. But if your team sucks you might not get to the chance to hit it. Maybe what five times a game? It’s like the equivalent of playing hockey only one you have one player on the ice at a time. And it’s still lame and boring.

So I had some of my dad’s corona while I was having a Transformer marathon and decided to keep on drinking. And now I’m drunk and bored. So I was looking up Youtube about stuff like the Amazing atheist. The guy is smart and hilarious. I also checked out Cult of Dusty and the Young Turks. So check them out.

By the way I love seeing pictures of the guys from Duck Dynasty before they created the show. They were all clean shaved yuppies. Just look it up.

And now I’m writing yet another atheist blog for atheist only. And I mean that, last time I mentioned atheism my friend got really, really pissed off with me. Anyway I say this all of the time but I’m not that bright. For example I have no memory. When I meet people its like my brain doesn’t register it. Its as if I never heard their name. So now I have to recite in my head like a dozen times.

I also know what message I want to convey, but it doesn’t come out right. I can’t even think of common words. Like antler. I can’t spell either and have to rely on spell-check all of the time. I’m probably too stupid to work at McDonalds and use the frosty machine. I might be the loser that gets to wash the bathrooms.

One of the meanest things my friend said was when we were drunk and swimming in his pool. We wanted to see how long he could stay underwater. I’ll give him credit he was under for a while. And when he got up he said “I feel like Greg now.” Ouch. But I still have some talents. For example I kicked ass in psychology and philosophy in college.

And I think I'm smarter than people in one sense about religion. I think there is definitely a correlation between intelligence and atheism. Like how most scientist don’t believe in God. And I’m thinking of writing a blog about how stupid Americans are. I know when you see people on Youtube like a survey or questionnaire or something they only show stupid people. I really want to know what percentage of stupid people that is.

I’ve been looking at statics and I’m thinking like there is no fucking way that there are so many retarded people. Like how many people believe that nine eleven was a conspiracy or how like 46% of Americans believe the world is 5000 years old.

I mean I see idiots who couldn’t think of a country that starts with the letter “U”. Can people really be that dumb? I guess it’s because they aren’t challenged to use their brains at all. Seriously they might work at some boring meaningless job like at an icecream store and spend the rest of their time in front of the idiot box.

Back to religion. I never understood circumcision. I’m definitely against it. I don’t think we should be mutilating our children. I think there is a reason for foreskin. It’s not like having your tonsils removed. And there is no real health reason to get it removed.

Have you seen what they use? It looks like something from medieval times. I mean a baby’s penis so small that you could royally fuck it up. I think we should wait until someone is old enough to decide for themselves. And the penis is big enough to do a good clean job. I’ll admit I probably would get circumcised anyway because uncircumcised dicks look weird and stupid.

So I have been looking up stuff on Youtube about atheists and why Christians hate us. Sometimes I think it’s hilarious, sometimes I think it’s pretty sad and pathetic. It boggles the mind how people believe in all of this nonsense. Like again how the world is only 5000 years old or that we coexisted with dinosaurs.

This is my theory of why people believe in God and Heaven. Because it sounds good. That’s it. I mean I would want to go to Heaven and fly around and do whatever you do there for eternity. But it doesn’t make sense at all. Does Heaven follow any scientific laws? Like light or gravity or time?

It’s like believing in a new diet where you can eat as much icecream as you want and lose weight. That sounds fantastic. I would believe in it too. But I’m not foolish. I have enough sensibility that icecream won’t help you lose weight. I don’t have faith in such a diet.

Faith isn’t always a good thing. Faith is believing in something without really thinking about it. I think people are afraid of actually using their minds and realizing there is no icecream weight loss diet or Heaven.

Imagine there is an old bridge that’s about to fall apart. Saying I have faith in the bridge is a dangerous thing. It could collapse at any moment. Christians are stubborn. They don’t want to hear anything that might ruin their high that they will be going to Heaven. They almost shut it out. You know what, life isn’t fair. Sometimes life is an ordeal to get through by.

You have all of these believers that want their cake and eat it too. They believe in all of this religious stuff but they have never actually read the bible. I’ve heard a study and found out that atheist knew more about religions than actually believers. I’m not saying that all studies are correct but it sounds true.

I assume they just think they already know the bible or they are just too lazy. You’d think it would be important. I myself have tried to several times but I don’t like reading and got bored each time. There is so much useless shit in there. They should make a condensed version or Bible for dummies or Coles notes.

Religion is powerful force. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s evil. I think it’s great that the average North American thinks that God is watching over them and they get to go to Heaven. It really is opium for the masses. Your life might suck but be good and you will go to this magical place in the clouds forever where everything is nice and dandy.

I myself am content enough to know there is no gold at the end of the rainbow and that I should just enjoy life as much as I can while I exist.

But it can get people to do crazy things. Like thinking blowing yourself up is such a great idea. How fucked up is that? And they think they will get 72 virgins in Allah Heaven. Of course once you fuck all of them they won’t be virgins anymore and might you might be left with hundreds of kids to take care of. If you can have kids in Heaven. I don’t know how it works in there.

I realize getting rid of religion won’t end all of the wars and fighting in the world. But it there will significantly less of this bullshit in the Middle East with all of this fighting over such nonsense.

And I don’t think reading the bible makes you a better person. Like how George W. Bush says he reads the bible. I already wrote a blog about him but I absolutely hate that fucker. I wish he gets cancer or something horrible. He is proud when he called himself a “war president.”

Ya the Iraq War was such a great idea. It has done so much good. He never gave a shit about

Iraq

. Do you really think his only intention was to liberate Iraq? Hey Bush there is fighting all over Africa too. But I guess there’s no oil or money there.

He doesn’t give a shit about their citizens and soldiers. I’m sure it doesn’t bother him the least when some little girl loses her legs from one of his bombs. He wanted Sadam and he wanted the oil. He doesn’t even give a shit about his own soldiers. Their just pawns to him. He even wanted to make cutbacks to veteran hospitals. That’s sick. That’s evil.

The more I know about the bible, the more I’m persuading that it’s all bullshit. For example there is slavery. God actually promotes it. Like how slaves should obey their masters; even the cruel ones. Or how if a woman is raped she must marry her rapists. It’s in there too. Just look it up. Its Deuteronomy 22.

I love this show called the Atheist Experience that I found on Youtube. They just school the shit out of all of these Christians. In fact the host Matt Dillahunty was a priest of some sort so he knows his shit. But he became an atheist because pretty much he knows his shit.

I like how the bible says the Lord is our shepherd. I thought that when you call people sheep that they are mindless drones that don’t think for themselves and follow some leader aimlessly. Wait maybe that is right. I also thought that shepherds milk and shave their sheep or even eat them. I wouldn’t call the Lord is my farmer or cowboy.

I like how people find signs of the Lord in the most pedestrian of things. Like how some stupid old lady found a cross or something dumb in her fish crackers. Do you really think the Lord is communicating to you through random food? “I am the most powerful being, but I will create a cookie with some obscure marking that looks kind of like the Virgin Mary on it.”

I also like how people used to live for hundreds of years. Then God decided to take away this and let us live to a maximum of 120 years. What an arbitrary number. I guarantee that some people will eventually live past that. But I’m sure it wouldn’t matter to them anyway. They’ll just change it to suit their needs.

Creationism is so fucking stupid. There I said it. Religious people are always like well who created the Universe? It couldn’t happen out of nothing. It couldn’t be the Big Bang. Something had to create the Universe. Everything must be created.

So they say God created the Universe. Do they realize how stupid that logic is? Here’s the obvious question, who created God then? God didn’t come out of nothing. Hmm, ponder that for a second. And that’s their answer to everything. Well God did it. Or the Devil did it.

I wrote about this before but I believe in Occam’s razor which means the simplest answer is usually the correct one. The Big Bang makes sense. Believing that this God created the universe leaves so many more questions unanswered.

And I don’t like people praying to God. Let’s say your aunt has cancer. I don’t think God is going to kill her unless we nicely ask him not to. I mean why did he let her have cancer in the first place? And when she dies, oh well I guess it was meant to be.

It’s the equivalent of asking your teacher for a better grade. I don’t think just asking her will make it her change her mind. “God will you please cure my friend of Aids. After all you can do anything.” “Okay. You just had to ask my child.”

This is why religion is dangerous. We have health science and doctors to help heal and assist cancer patients with radiation therapy and other such proven methods. Leaving it up to God is going to do fuck all. Maybe a placebo effect at the most.

Why is there all of this secrecy? Why doesn’t God just answer back and talk to you. He obviously has the power to. I mean, He’s God. If He talked to me I’d believe in him too.

“Greg, it’s Me, God, your creator. Um, I’m real. I want you to go to church and worship Me every Sunday. I know you love the song Sing to the Mountains. And we have donuts afterwards. I don’t like you buying bubble gum on Sunday because I rested on that day. You got the rest of the week to go shopping for Me sakes. However I’ll let you eat hotdogs on Friday. Technically its not real meat. Like fish.”

Look the whole God created the Universe in six days is absolute bullshit. People back then didn’t know that there are billions of stars and planets out there in this massive universe. I think it would take longer than one day to create them all while it took like two days to create animals and people. So that’s why I don’t give a shit if I buy Pokemon X for my 3DS XL on Sunday or eat at McDonalds on Friday. Which I am about to do.

The bible is so immoral and fucked up. You know what really pisses me off is when God asks Abraham to kill his own son. What kind of sick God would test him like that? If I was a father I would love my son more than to obey my own God and master to not kill him and go to Hell or take whatever punishment God would do to you.

By the way wasn’t there a commandment though shall not kill? Either way you’re sinning. Oh wait that was long after Abraham. My bad. If someone did that today we’d call them insane and send them to prison for life.

And now that I got this off my chest, I’m going to sleep. Just before I pray to God to put Seinfeld back on the air. Science bless you.

Top Ten Best Jobs

2014-07-04T12:58:00.002-07:00

I’ve already wrote a funny blog about the top ten worst jobs a long time ago. And since I’m getting low on ideas I decided to write about what I think are the top ten best jobs.

First off, my friends are always wondering, or even complaining, that why I don’t have a job. And I tell them I’m doing what I call a reverse retirement. Which means I will spend my retirement years while I’m relatively young and get a job when I’m 50 years old.

But it would be nice to have more money. Right now I get $50 allowance that I mostly spend on beer and food. If I had more money I’d probably eat even more junk food. And I would love to buy more video games or hit the casino and play some Texas holdem.

Sometimes I wonder why we even work as much as we do. I mean I would love to live at the beach like in the movie um the Beach. All you do is fish, grow food, plant weed, play sports, build huts and do whatever else you need to do. And you wouldn’t have to get up a seven in the morning.

I went insane being a cashier at Wal-Mart. It was so boring and monotonous. Spending half of my awake time standing there all day and punching in numbers. At least when I worked at the painting and hardware department I could walk around and talk.

I would actually want a job that I enjoyed over a job that paid more. Delivering pizza was so much fun just driving around, listening to the radio and eating free pizza. But I was providing my own car and gas and was making less than minimum wage.

So I was fantasizing what my dream jobs would be. So here are what I think are the top ten best jobs to have:

(10) Gym Teacher

Now you’re probably thinking “gym teacher? They don’t make that much.” Sure enough but it would be so much fun. I miss high school and it would be like you’re back in it. Phys-ed is a joke of a subject. You learn different parts of the body and muscle groups. And that’s pretty much it. The rest of the time you get to play basketball and volleyball and whatever sports you want. I’d play a shitload of dodgeball because dodgeball fucking rules!

(9) Webpage Writer that Actually Gets Paid

Writing this blogpage keeps me busy. At first I just wanted to get some things off my chest. Like how there is no such thing as aliens (or at least near our solar system) or ghosts. Or how silly or ridiculous religion is. Or how they should legalize marijuana already.

But after writing over 370 blogs I’m getting low on ideas. And I do this all for free. Imagine I could get paid for doing this? Like if I could include advertisements or something. I don’t know how much I’d get but any amount is good. Like $20 a week or something.

I pretty much already have written them. So I would start off with maybe thirty blogs to get things going and then post a new one every Thursday. The problem is that I’d need to make a real webpage and then I’d have to get the word out on the street and get some more fans. I’m sure once Norton okays it, more people would visit.

(8) Critic

I love videogames and movies. And I think I have good taste in them. I would love to be a movie critic for the younger generation. For example Zoolander is one of my favorite movies and yet has got a 6.6 rating at IMDB. And then they gave “Some Like it Hot” the greatest comedy. I’m sure it’s fucking hilarious. And I know my videogames.

(7) Artist

I have always loved drawing and painting. It’s just that I’m not that good at it. When I dropped out of art-class in college my teacher said my pictures were sketchy. But imagine being a non-hungry artist where you do whatever you feel like and draw and paint all day. It’s one of those few careers where smoking weed actually helps. And you could travel all over the world and paint nice sceneries and whatnot.

(6) Fast Food Franchise Owner

I love to eat. I’ve been imagining opening my own fast food joint I’d call Munchies. And I’d include all of the best menus and items from other fast food chains. For example I would sell fry truck fries, onion rings, chicken mcnuggets, hotdogs, milkshakes, veggie burgers, a thousand island burger and a mozzarella burger. And the slogan would be: who’s got the munchies?

(5) Psychiatrist

Like any real doctor, psychiatrists make a lot of money. And it’s not as stressful as being an MD. MDs have shift work so they could be up on ungodly hours. And they have to perform surgery or whatever. Psychiatrists listen to people’s problems, give sound advice and prescribe medicine. And at the same time they still save people’s lives.

(4) Video game designer

I remember in elementary school me and a friend would make our own HyperCard stacks and videogames. Mine were pretty decent. You walk around and run into monsters and you click on certain body parts to hit. For example you’d want to hit a cyclops in the eye.

So from I young age I always wanted to design video games. I’m pretty creative and have some ideas. I want to make my own real time strategy game, a nonlinear Zelda game where you can explore anywhere you want or even a futuristic MMORPG game where you fly spacecrafts everywhere, upgrade them or buy new ones and fight other players and spaceships.

(3) Movie Writer

I love movies and I have been seriously contemplating writing my own and then sending them to whoever produces them. I have a number of ideas but so far I’ve been concentrating on writing two comedies.

One I’d call Bad Trip. A movie about shrooms that you watch on shrooms. The main character has a bet that he can take three hits of acid and make it all the way home from the city with no cash. Then the other five friends take shrooms and have different trips, some crazy imagery and their own personal discoveries.

The other movie I’d call Space Nuts which would basically be Space Balls 2 but include the whole Star Wars saga and other shows like Star Trek. I have been watching them and have many jokes and funny parts. The plot would be that Luke defeats the empire and saves Leia and knocks her up. But Luke finds out that she’s his sister and he must find the time travel device to go back in time to prevent it.

(2) Professional Golfer

I love golf. It’s one of those games where the better you area t it, the funner it is. And unlike pretty much every other sport, you don’t have to be in peak physical shape. Imagine being Tiger Woods, minus the affairs. You make millions in tournaments and even more off all of those endorsements.

(1) The President of the United States

The president has legalized marijuana.

Crime Pays

2014-06-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

I’m a law abiding citizen. I’ve never committed any crimes. The most I got was a parking ticket. There are two reasons why; my own moral principles and fear of getting caught.

Or at least I’ve never been caught. I almost got a DUI when I drank five beers at home, drove to the bar and had another beer. However I wouldn’t say I was drunk per say.

So I was dropping everyone off and buddy told me to pull over. He grabbed a garbage can and threw it in the middle of the street. And it just so happened a cop was down the road and he pulled me over. But he was a nice guy and let me off. I’ll never do that again.

So here are some different crimes:

Murder

I don’t get why people think murdering someone is a great idea. Do they think they can get away with it? Is it worth spending the rest of you’re life in prison? Is it ever acceptable?

Let’s say your wife cheated on you and you’re totally angry. “Yes, I feel betrayed; I think it’s okay if I stab her twenty times. That will make me feel much better.” And what will you do afterwards. “I’ll put on a good show and cry a lot. I’ll say I want the perpetrator caught. And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to

Mexico

.”

I’ve seen it many times on A&E. Sometimes they get away with it, and put on a good show. But everyone knows they did it. Take O.J. I think its hearsay, but the fucker had a motive and why would an innocent man run away from the police?

How shitty would it be to spend fifteen to life in prison? I’m pretty sure they would spend the rest of their sad life in prison regretting it. You know, being someone’s bitch and eating whatever shitty food they eat. Spending most of their time in a small cell without television or Netflix. Reading the bible and doing pushups.

But are there situations when you would murder someone? Like if some fucker beaten and raped your daughter. I would feel compelled to get back at him. I think I would kill the bastard or at least kick his ass. You know an eye for an eye.

Assault

Assault isn’t nearly as bad as murder. I’m not sure how it works. I mean what happens in a drunken bar fight? Is it the first guy to throw a punch or is the guy who kicks some ass that gets arrested.

For example let’s say a dude grabs your girlfriend’s boobs or called her a hoar or something. You can’t just sit there and do nothing. And you can’t call the cops and tell on him. “Officer, some asshole hit on my girlfriend. Will you arrest him please?”

Stalking

Stalking is so creepy. I should know, I stalk Jennifer Love Hewitt. I usually drive by her house and look through her windows with my binoculars. I find photos of her and put them all over my wall. I even made my Jennifer Love Hewitt shrine. I guess you could say I Jennifer Love Her. We belong together forever. She just doesn’t know that yet.

Rape

How much of a scum do you have to be to rape someone and feel good about yourself? I don’t know why they can’t just jerk off to internet porn like everyone else. Or get a hooker or something. Maybe this is why prostitution should be legal.

Is it really worth that much trouble for a few minutes of pleasure? Or seconds? Depending on how long you can last. But the whole time you still have still hold her down while she’s fighting back and biting you. I wonder if it works the other way and you get raped by some Amazon chick.

But that would be a fun game to play with your girl. I’d call it the rape fantasy. “Ya, I’m raping you. Take it that.” “No, please stop!” I think you’d laugh more than anything else.

Raymond Comeau

Raymond Comeau is a sex offender from Sarnia. I knew this fuck from elementary school. I hate him. In fact the word hate isn’t strong enough word. Obviously everyone called him Raymond Homo.

He was a huge pervert. I remember he would show kids his dick and shit in elementary school. He actually climbed into the vents to watch little girls in the change room. I’m completely serious. It was like in the movie Not Another Teen Movie only incredibly creepier.

I don’t know the full story but so it’s no surprise that he raped and attacked about five women in their homes. He finally got caught in 2004 and I hope he knows what it feels to be raped. I hope he fucking dies. I would kill if I had the chance. Just search his name and Sarnia to find more about this evil fuck.

Robbery

In kindergarten when they asked what you wanted to be, I said I wanted to be a robber. I thought it would be fun. The other kid said he wanted to be a policeman.

But seriously I guarantee most robberies involve drug use. They are most likely strung out junkies. Maybe if their drugs were made available they wouldn’t have to resort to this. I mean I don’t give a shit if someone I don’t know does heroin. Who gives a fuck if they are polluting their own bodies? I’ll get back to that later.

I don’t think people rob banks and other places because they need food or necessities. And if they did need food I’m sure they could steal some bread and Twinkies at a grocery store. They wouldn’t need guns and threaten innocent people.

Kidnapping

In most cases kidnapping involves children, mostly from divorces. There are the rare cases where they lock them up in their homes and probably have their way with them. Take the movie Prisoner. The guy’s girls go missing and his only lead is this creepy guy who had his RV parked where the girls were last seen. It’s messed up.

Theft

Theft isn’t as bad as robbing some bank or threatening other people. I would never do it because I don’t want to be banned from a store. But I thought it would be hilarious if I stole one of those cardboard stand-ups of a cop saying shoplifting is a crime. That would be ironic.

However if I was 100% sure that I wouldn’t get caught I’d steal from a multi-millionaire. I’m sure he wouldn’t miss a T.V. or diamond ring that much. What thieves do now is steal from a house and then sell or pawn the stolen goods. But pawn stores have precautions in measure.

Pretty much every store has those alarm gates now. When I worked at Wal-Mart people would hide items in other items. Such as luggage. Then if the alarms go off you don’t accuse them but say you forgot to pay for it or we didn’t demagnetize the item.

In other parts of the world there are pickpocketers. I know someone who had his wallet stolen. I forgot where exactly but he even had a chain attached to his wallet but these sneaky bastards cut it. That’s why I keep my wallet in my front pocket. Beside its much more comfortable than sitting on it.

And my rich lawyer uncle’s wife had her diamond ring and other valuables stolen in Mexico. I don’t know why she brought it with her but it the cops wouldn’t do fuck all about it.

Arson

Arson isn’t cool. Do you remember the rapist Raymond Homo I mentioned earlier? Around my neighborhood there are these tall poplar trees. They’re seeds are what we call fluffs because well they’re fluffs like snow. So idiot lit a lawn full of them and they all shot up in flames. That could have started a real fire.

Grand Theft Auto

Grand Theft Auto is an awesome game. Sometimes I do the missions but mainly I like to kill a bunch of people and then try to run away from the cops. If you were a car thief what you steal? I would love to nab a Lamborghini or delorean. On the other hand there’re not too many of them around.

Imagine there is an apocalypse and you and a handful of people are the only survivors. How cool would it be to steal whatever you want and just drive as fast as you can anywhere you want? That would be so much fun.

Solicitation

I actually think they should legalize hookers. Like at a broth or something. I mean who gives a fuck if women or men are selling their bodies? I don’t think they care at all. What’s the worse that could happen besides STDs? It would be so much safer than having pimps and rapists. I mean don’t you feel sorry about some hideous freak that could never score with a decent looking human being?

Fraud

Frauds happen all of the time. Mostly against old people because old people are trustworthy and gullible. My mom knows this old lady on a fixed income that gives money to this preacher.

Personally I don’t trust computers or the internet. I don’t like giving out my credit card and I don’t trust poker sites. That’s why I like prepaid cards.

There was this douche who tried to scam my roommate. We rented a place in London, Ontario and since I was only going to live there in the summer he decided to rent it out his room. Well this douche from I think England said he’d rent it. But he said he gave too much money and wanted some back. Good thing my roommate’s banker warned him of this scam.

Illegal Gambling

I love to gamble. I would even bet money on Mario Kart 64, Micromachines and Dr. Mario with my friend. But I don’t know how illegal gambling works and why would you want to gamble there at all. By the way have you seen Rounders? What an awesome movie.

Is it illegal to hold a poker game at your house? I used to play at this guy Chewy’s place after our poker league. It was so much fun and so addictive. We all passed around the joints. It was only forty cent blinds but the pots could get up there.

I made twenty five bucks on one hand because I knew this guy would try to buy the pot. And I bought pizza with it and it was delicious. Or what about the dice game that people play in the ghetto. Is that legal?

Speeding

I have never got a speeding ticket. I usually go fifteen km over the limit. If I’m on the highway I will sometimes follow anyone going fast. I just don’t know if the cops will pull over the first guy or the guy following him. I like when there are those signs telling you how fast you’re going. I usually look at my speedometer to see how fast I’m going.

Graffiti

There are two kinds of graffiti. The cool ones that look like they took a lot of time, effort and skill. They’re usually on condemned buildings and rail carts. And then there are just stupid ones that people just scribbled on someone’s fence or sidewalk. You know stupid ones like a swastika or one saying Amy is a hoar. They’re just eyesores.

For example there is this nature trail that goes under the highway. And teens like to hang out under the overpass for some unknown reason. And these teens like spray painting the sides. And every two months the city paints over it so more teens can spray paint it all over again.

Hate Crime

I never quite understood what a hate crime is. For instance I don’t see the difference between committing a crime against another white person than against a black person. Isn’t a crime a crime? “Well you assaulted this person because you don’t like black people. Next time just assault the person because you just don’t like them and not because they are a different race. We’re trying to stop this racism.”

Narcotics

In a free country people should be able to consume any psychoactive substances they want. It’s their own bodies. It’s like making Taco Bell illegal because its full of fat and low grade meat.

In Holland all drugs are legal and needles are made available to drug users. And there are actually less drug users than in the States or Canada.

As I said earlier who gives a fuck if some people are killing themselves with heroine? Its much better than sending them to prison. What’s the worse that’s going to happen? Making crack legal isn’t going to make me want to do it any more. By legalizing it, it would eliminate the criminal behavior and actually turn a profit.

It’s acceptable for people to take prescription medication. But oh, recreational drug use, that has to go. Fine, keep meth, crack, PCP and others illegal. But for Christ’s sake legalize marijuana now. It’s absolutely harmless. And it’s a much safer alternative to other drugs, huffing gas or the choking game.

You already have the two stupidest legal drugs. Booze makes you do dumb things like drunk driving, vomiting, blacking out or passing out. I much rather be a pothead than an alcoholic. But prohibition lead to bootlegging and crime actually went up. And smoking is so addictive and so harmful for your lungs and overall health.

There is the stigma surrounding weed. I say this all of the time, but I don’t like feeling like a criminal or evil person because I like to get high, feel good, laugh and get the munchies. Imagine if it wasn’t an illegal substance. What would be considered the worst?

And the gateway drug argument is stupid.

Again, what is everyone afraid of? What is the worst that’s going to happen? Day 1: marijuana is made legal. Day 2: marijuana is sold to kids. Day 3: car accidents occur all over. Day 4: riots everywhere. Day 5: marshal law comes into effect. Day 6: complete anarchy.

You know what’s going to happen? Nothing. I have never had problems obtaining weed. People will continue to enjoy weed. Probably more people will smoke it. Fine, make it illegal to drive under the influence. Make it available to only people over 19 years of age. Make you it so you can’t smoke in public. It’s a wonderful drug. I honestly think it will change people’s lives for the better.

AFI’s 100 Greatest American Movies of All Time

2014-06-24T22:33:00.000-07:00

It would take me a long fucking time to create my own top 100 movie list. I mean how could I decide?

First off I don’t think it’s fair to include every genre into one list. I love to laugh. So I love to smoke weed and watch a comedy. So pretty much all my top movies would be comedies. And that means Austin Powers would be my favorite movie of all time.

The problem with the AFI is that I’m assuming they’re all old people and people tend to like movies they were brought up by. For example my dad loves his old World War two movies. I’d fall asleep if I watched them. I tend to have a rule of thumb to not watch black and white movies.

I grew up in the 80s so movies such as Goonies or Ghostbusters are close to my heart. I tend not to watch comedies before the 80s. I had to watch Singing in the Rain in film class and it had its moments. But I would never smoke weed and watch it with my friends. I’d rather do a word search puzzle or watch Home Improvement.

I mean when me and my buddies got high and watched Zoolander it’s one of those movies where you look at each other and giggle like crazy. Singing in the Rain at most would make me smile at best. And I laughed my ass of when I watched Stranger than Fiction.

I’m not much of horror movie fan. Unless I’m on shrooms I won’t get scared. And I hate the Saw movies. They’re disgusting and it makes me feel bad for the victims. I just want to strangle that puppet thing. I rather watch the Shinning, Paranormal Activity or the underdog Canadian series Cube. Now that’s scary.

Unlike my dad I hate most Westerns. I just don’t like that time period. I rather watch a medieval movie. I’m not much of a Civil War movie fan either. They haven’t made any really good ones. So I was disappointed when I watch Lincoln. I was expecting some cool battle scenes. There was only a brief battle scene at the beginning. The rest was boring and I couldn’t give a fuck about American founding fathers.

I used to be an action movie fan when I was little. I really enjoyed Universal Soldiers for instance. Now I can’t stand them. Like Red. My dad loved it. I didn’t love it. I’m tired of car chases and explosions. I admit I still love James Bond. And I love dramas with some action. If you can see the difference. Take Brave Heart, I wouldn’t classify it as an action movie, but there are some awesome action scenes.

I like to watch a movie with a good plot or story. Take the Beach, Memento, the Butterfly Effect and Vanilla Sky. Now that’s good movie making. I care about the characters and I want see what unfolds. And some of my favorite mobster movies are Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas and Scar Face.

So I looked up American Film Institute’s greatest 100 movies. I never even heard of half of them. I know they felt obligated to include all of these classic movies. Had a random movie like Snatch been made in the 50s then I know it would rank high on the list. It didn’t even make it. And had Vertigo been made in the 90s, I’m sure it wouldn’t be on the list. I think they fell in love with Hitchcock and want to suck his dick.

So here is the American Film Institute’s One Hundred Greatest Movies!

[100] Yankee Doodle Dandy

What a stupid fucking title. Like all ancient movies it’s a musical. Which pretty much means it sucks.

[99] Guess who’s Coming to Dinner

Guess who’s never heard of this movie.

[98] Unforgiven

I’m not much of a Western fan but it sounds alright. It stars Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman. I think everyone loves Morgan Freeman’s voice.

[97] Bringing Up Baby

This movie is a 1938 comedy. Which is kind of a contradiction. But I’m sure people back then laughed their asses off.

[96] The Searchers

My dad is a huge John Wayne fan and I’m sure he owns the Searchers. And I’m sure it’s racists against aboriginals.

[95] Pulp Fiction

Only the 95^th greatest movie? Pulp Fiction is one of my top ten favorite movies. It’s a Quentin Taratino film so you know the chronology is messed up. The best scene is when Samuel L. Jackson is interrogating this guy and this guy keeps saying what? “What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What?”

[94] Goodfellas

Goodfellas is probably my favorite mobster movie. It’s based on a true story. These gangsters pull off the biggest heist at the time. And when the protagonist is arrested he narcs on all of the mob bosses.

[93] The Apartment

“Movie-wise there has never been anything like The Apartment, love-wise, laugh-wise or other-wise.” You know how incredibly awesome a movie is with those sick rhymes on the cover. I’m sure it sucked-wise.

[92] A Place in the Sun

Oh shit this dude has two affairs and gets his first woman knocked up. I’m sure back then in the 50s this film was really racy. Now he have Jerry Springer.

[91] My Fair Lady

Apparently there is this bet that one dude can change this hippy chick into fooling everyone that’s she’s refined lady. Kind of like Pretty Woman.

[90] The Jazz Singer

There are several Jazz Singer movies, so I assume they mean the shitty 1927 one. This Jewish son doesn’t want to follow their retarded traditions and dreams of becoming a Jazz Singer. It only got 6.9 on IMDB.

[89] Patton

Patton is a WW2 war movie I have yet to see. I can think of a hundred better war movies than this.

[88] Easy Rider

Easy Rider is a cool 60s movie about two guys riding their motorbikes to Mardi Gras to party. And it features the cool Steppenwolf song Born to be Wild. I also love the song Magic Carpet Ride. Once there they drop some acid and run into trouble with some rednecks.

[87] Frankenstein

Did you know Frankenstein was the mad scientist and not his monster. I’m sure when Mary Shelley wrote it, it was terrifying. Rrrrr. Now I’d probably laugh.

[86] Mutiny and the Bounty

This is mutiny, I have never heard of it.

[85] Duck Soup

That’s disgusting, I love ducks. The chicks are so cute when they follow their mother single file. They should make geese soup. I hate those fuckers. They don’t move out of the way, they hiss at you and they shit all over the fucking place. The other day a kicked a bay one. It was so gratifying.

[84] Fargo

Fargo is a good movie where they take this rich guy’s wife for ransom but things don’t go down as planned. I think Suicide Kings was better. I have been thinking of taking myself ransom and try to swindle some money from my folks. I might have to cut off one of my fingers though. For realism.

[83] Platoon

Awesome Vietnam movie starring the man with dragon’s blood; Charlie Sheen. Hey his name’s Charlie. Coincidence? I’ve heard he and his friend took a bet to see how many hookers they could fuck. Too bad he quit Two and a Half Men. He was the show. I love how they killed him off though.

[82] Giant

I wonder what it would be like to be a giant. Sure it would be expensive but hey you could spend you’re whole day just eating and drinking beer without worrying about your weight. But everything would be too small. Like your shower or your cell phone. And you’d need handmade shoes and clothes. And your dick would be almost too big.

[81] Modern Times

For a movie made in 1936 it’s not too modern. Charlie Chaplin is a funny as the holocaust. It’s a silent movie so it must suck. Audiences were happy enough just to see moving pictures. I do remember the scene where you get’s trapped in the cogs and shit.

[80] The Wild Bunch

It’s about a bank robbery. I’m sure they’re a real wild bunch. I rather watch Snatch.

[79] The Deer Hunter

The Deer Hunter is one of the most overrated movies ever. It’s so boring. I myself couldn’t shoot a deer. They’re so cute. However I do have those killer Cabalas hunting games for the Wii. My mom thinks it’s still wrong. But I’d shoot a baby goose in the eye.

[78] Rocky

“Adrian!” The Rocky movies are pretty fucking sweet. I love listening to Eye of the Tiger while running up the few steps at City Hall. I was never sure if he acted like he couldn’t talk or that he can’t talk at all. Mickey: “You’re gonna eat lightning and crap thunder!”

[77] American Graffiti

George Lucas made this movie before Star Wars. Harrison Ford even stars in it. I gather Lucas was a fan of drag racing and this was why he created those stupid Ipod Races. As a teenager we would also drive all over town. Now gas prices have doubled since then.

[76] City Lights

Another Charlie Chaplin shitfest. I don’t understand why these critics feel obligated to put all of these old movies on the list. I wouldn’t even waste my time watching it.

[75] Dances with Wolves

I saw this at the theaters with my family. Me and my brother wanted to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles instead. But I loved it.. I like how he hits on the only white chick. He couldn’t even understand her. It was a Costner classic. Then he made Water World. Cough.

[74] The Gold Rush

Sometimes I watch those gold digging reality shows. They spend a fortune but they can get lucky. I myself want a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[73] Wuthering Heights

There are several Wuthering Heights movies and I’m sure they all suck. These movies aren’t that great when I never even heard of them.

[72] Ben Hur

I’ve seen it before. It was huge production about an epic chariot race in ancient Rome. Its stars Charleston Heston who later goes on to star in Planet of the Apes. He’s also a member of the RNA. “You can take my rifle when you pry it from my cold dead hands!”

[71] Forrest Gump

Forrest Gump should be on any top movie lists. It’s one of those movies you can watch over and over again. I have already written a blog about it years ago. So check it out.

[70] The French Connection

I hate French people.

[69] Shane

Why the fuck is this movie the 69^th greatest movie of all time. I read a summary about this western and it sounds boring as Hell.

[68] An American in Paris

Yet another movie from the 50s. There aren’t enough movies from the 80s, 90s or God forbid the 2000s. It’s about a love triangle. And I hate French people.

[67] The Manchurian Candidate

I’m starting to think the AFI doesn’t even like good movies. I guarantee had they released this movie now, it would bomb at the box office and would never even make it on this bias ass top 100 list.

[66] The Network

I liked the Social Network. Awesome movie. Oh I wished I created Facebook and become a billionaire. What would I do with all that mullah? Perhaps make a giant golden statute of me riding a dragon.

[65] The Silence of the Lambs

“Hello Clarice.” Wicked movie. Anthony Hopkins is fucking crazy. I like how he gets into her head. And I like how he escapes. I’ve heard people taste like chicken.

[64] Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Do you ever notice how Steven Spielberg is obsessed with aliens? You have E.T., War of the Worlds, A.I., Batteries Not Included, Men in Black, Transformers, Cowboys and Indians and even Indiana Jones: the Crystal Skull. I enjoyed it but it shouldn’t be on any top 100 movie list.

[63] Stagecoach

I’m running out of things to say about mediocre westerns. It’s another John Wayne movie where I’m assuming they are on some sort of stagecoach.

[62] Tootsie

This unemployed actor dresses as a woman so he can star in some soap opera. Oh imagine all of the hijinks and uncomfortable situations. I never seen it but I’m sure at least one scene is with some dude hitting on him until he feels Tootsie’s dick. I rather watch Ms. Doubtfire.

[61] Vertigo

I had to watch it in film class and it had a good twist. I think the Sixth Sense or Unbreakable had way better twists though. I mean it blew my mind when I watched those. But I knew right away what would happen in the Village.

[60] Raiders of the Lost Arc

Awesome movie. Too bad the one Blossom chick from Big Bang Theory ruined it for everyone. Because when you really think about it, Indiana Jones didn’t accomplish anything. The Nazis would still have found the Arc and they still would have been killed when they opened it.

[59] Rebel Without a Cause

I’ve heard good things about it and I should watch it one rainy day. I’ve read they have switchblade knife fights and play chicken. I myself am bit of a rebel. The other day the lady at McDonalds gave me too much change and I kept it.

[58] Fantasia

I saw it really stoned and I wasn’t all too impressed. Everyone knows the Sorcerers’ Apprentice where Mickey gets lazy and decides to make all of these brooms carry water. But there are too many and they flood the place. I want brooms that can bring me beer.

[57] The Third Man

I read the summary and it sounds boring as Hell. It’s something to do with a black market and a mysterious death. I sold one of my kidneys at one and bought a counterfeit karaoke machine.

[56] MASH

MASH stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital. I’m surprised that a comedy about the Korean War did so well. Normally a military hospital would be sad and gloomy. You end up with soldiers shot in the stomach, dying or their legs amputated.

[55] The Sound of Music

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Big Macs, videogames, beer are some of my favorite things

[54] All Quiet on the Western Front

Another war movie I have never heard of. If this shitty 30s movie made the list then Saving Private Ryan or Enemy at the Gates should be on it too.

[53] Amadeus

It’s some obscure movie with something to do with Mozart, religion and an insane asylum. At least it was made in the 80s. I don’t think I could even find this movie at the movie rental store if I tried.

[52] From Here to Eternity

Why is this movie even on this list of the greatest movies?

[51] The Philadelphia Story

All of the actors are dead now. That’s hilarious.

[50] Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

At least I have heard of this movie.

[49] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Another overrated Disney movie. It’s so fucking shitty compared to the new cartoons like Finding Nemo, UP and Megamind. Half the movie is them washing dishes. But can you name them all? They are Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey. Dopey is creepy as fuck and I think he’s on the dope.

[48] Jaws

Jaws is a cool movie. Probably one of Spielberg’s only movies not about aliens. It scared the shit out of everyone swimming in the ocean. But not here in the Great Lakes. Its fresh water and the only fish we have to worry about are large mouth bass.

[47] Taxi Driver

“Are you talking to me?” Awesome Martin Scorsese movie that stars Robert De Niro as the taxi driver and a young Jodie Foster as the hooker.

[46] A Clockwork Orange

An awesome Stanley Kubrick movie, it’s really messed up. You probably seen the part where guy is hooked up to the T.V. with his eyes pried open so he can’t look away while he watches horrible things. It’s all about the theme of freewill.

[45] A Streetcar Named Desire

Stella! Stelllla!

[44] The Birth of a Nation

It’s a civil war movie about the rise of the Ku Klux Klan. Haha what a bunch of rednecks. I remember back in the day when Jerry Springer was new and fresh, he had the grand dragon on the show and he was about to lose it on those racist assholes. I never understood why they burn upside down crosses.

[43] King Kong

I have never watched the full movie but I remember King Kong goes on rampage in New York and climbs the buildings and grabs some hot blond from her apartment. And the planes are shooting at him. Have you ever played Rampage? What a sweet videogame. They should have a new 3D version where you can go anywhere in the city.

[42] Rear Window

A famous Hitchcock movie. I’ve heard of it before. It’s about this paranoid man in a wheelchair with binoculars that spies on his neighbors and thinks he has witnessed a murder. There was a great Simpson episode when they open a pool and Bart breaks his leg and he thinks Ned Flanders killed his wife.

[41] West Side Story

My grade seven class went to see the play West Side Story. There are two rival gangs in Manhattan. There is the white gang the Jets and the multicultural gang the Sharks. I liked when the guy gets stabbed.

[40] North by Northwest

Another Hitchcock movie that I have never seen it or never will see.

[39] Doctor Zhivago

Haha nice name. There was actually this kid in my school that his father named him Zilvar. It sounds like a something a magician would call himself.

[38] Double Indemnity

It’s about this salesman having an affair with some other guy’s’ wife. They decide to kill him in order to get money from an accident insurance policy. I’ve heard of this before on A&E. It never ends up working. One time this dude won the lottery and thought it’d be grand idea to have his wife knocked off so he could keep it all for himself.

[37] The Best Years of Our Lives

High school is probably the best years of your lives. Then it’s all downhill from there.

[36] Midnight Cowboy

It’s about this dishwasher that likes to dress as a cowboy. He decides to become a male hooker to make some cash. I knew a real crackhead dishwasher from my poker league. He would always go all in, all the time. So you just have to wait till you have something decent. I heard he lost $300 at the casino. That’s a lot of crack money, I wish I was at that table.

[35] It Happened One Night

I don’t consider comedies from the 30s comedies. You know what funnier, let see is. There is Austin Powers, Zoolander, Grandmas Boy, 40 Year Old Virgin, and Dodgeball. I could go on.

[34] To Kill a Mocking Bird

I have heard of it. But it probably sucks. Based on some book about a southerner lawyer that is defending a black man against rape charges. I’m sure it’s racist. Fun fact: I was actually named after Gregory Peck. But I never really liked my name.

[33] High Noon

I actually watched this while playing videogames for some reason. It’s so fucking long and slow. The movie should have been like five minutes. And when noon comes along they have the sheriff just shoots the bad guys and that’s it.

[32] The Godfather Part Two

Finally a worthy movie. The third one is good too but not as good as the first two.

[31] Annie Hall

I never found Woody Allen movies funny. I just don’t like the actor because he ends up fucking his adopted child.

[30] The Treasure of Sierra Madre

There be treasure in

Mexico

. I thought this would be pirate movie.

[29] Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

I don’t care.

[28] Apocalypse Now

Amazing. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” It’s my favorite Vietnam movie, based on the novel the Heart of Darkness. The best part is when they play Ride of the Valkries on the helicopters when they attack Charlie’s point. And the chef asks why do all you guys sit on your helmets. “So we don’t get our balls blown off.”

[27] Bonnie and Clyde

I haven’t seen this true-life mobster movie yet but it sounds worth watching. I prefer Natural Born Killers. I love the end where they break out of prison to the Rage Against Machine song.

[26] Dr. Strangelove

I rented it just so I could say I’ve seen it. But I fell asleep. The full title is Dr. Strangelove and How I Learned to Love the Bomb. You probably know the scene when the guy rides the atomic bomb like a cowboy.

[25] E.T.

I already wrote a blog about E.T. I love how his alien friends ditch him and he has to use a Speak n Spell to phone home. They didn’t have Verizon Wireless in the 80s. I just didn’t like this movie that much.

[24] |Raging Bull

It’s another Scorsese flick starring De Niro as a boxer. I didn’t really like it as much as I thought I would.

[23] The Maltese Falcon

I had to watch it in film class. I don’t remember a single damn thing from this movie at all. It’s that boring.

[22] 2001 Space Odyssey

A classic Stanley Kubrick movie made in the late 60s. It’s obviously set in the year 2001. And like all 60s movies we grossly overestimated what the future would hold for us technology wise. It’s really trippy and is all about evolution. It’s the movie with the thinking computer Hal that ends up turning on his creators. Good thing my Laptop hasn’t killed me. Yet.

[21] The Grapes of Wrath

Based on the novel by John Steinbeck. I guess it’s about grapes or wrath or something.

[20] One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Good classic film starring a young and handsome Jack Nicholson in some insane asylum. It has its moments. The best part is when the native guy grabs the water fountain, throws it at the window and escapes.

[19] China Town

I’ve heard of Big Trouble in Little China. Now that’s a great movie. I love Raiden. And I really love that hoar Samantha from Sex and the City.

[18] Psycho

Okay Psycho is the defining classic horror movie. I’m sure everyone knows about the blood draining in the shower and his dead mother. It’s based on Ed Gein as the serial killer. He is the bases of so many horror movies such as Silence of the Lambs and the Texas Chain Massacre. Let’s just say he was fucked up and would make clothes out of women’s dead bodies. Today it wouldn’t scare me the slightest.

[17] The African Queen

I don’t think this movie deserves to be the 17^th greatest movie. I don’t even think it deserves to be on the top 10,000 movies of all-time. Have these critics from AFI even watch a movie past the 90s?

[16] All About Eve

All about Nothing. I don’t even know what to say about these boring ass movies. Next.

[15] Star Wars

Star Wars is a part of my life. Its part of our culture. I’ve probably seen it infinite times. I’m glad these old farts included it. Then they made the prequels. I think everyone was expecting way too much. I hated Jar Jar and I hated the kid even more. But I still enjoyed them. I just hope Disney doesn’t royally fuck up the new ones.

[14] Some Like it Hot

I like it hot too. So two men witness some crime and disguise themselves as women to get out of trouble. It reminds me of White Chicks where the two Wayans brothers go undercover as white chicks. I’ll admit they look as close as they could get, but they still look like two black men. It had maybe two funny parts in the whole damn movie.

[13] The Bridge on the River Kwai

My dad owns its. I have better things to do than watch it. Like plant a tree.

[12] Sunset BLVD

You know a movie is boring when you can barely read the summary without falling asleep.

[11] Its a Wonderful Life

I usually watch this every Christmas Eve. The guy didn’t even want kids. But a feel-good movie. I wish we saw the chick naked. I just didn’t understand when he’s about to commit suicide and then his guardian angel jumps in the river and he jumps after him to save him.

[10] Singing in the Rain

It was a funny movie way back in the 50s. I rather watch Scary Movie 8.

[9] Schindler’s List

Great movie. And it’s meant to be in black and white for added effect. It stars Qui Gon Jinn as a Nazi factory boss who makes a list of Jews that won’t get killed. Very sad and moving film. Good choice.

[8] On the Water Front

It stars Marlon Brando. He was a great actor. But so was Mike Myers. Then he made the Love Guru. I’m sure it sucks.

[7] The Graduate

I never graduated from University. I wasted three years and a lot of money to go nowhere in life. But the experience was awesome. I really miss it. It stars the Rain Man himself Dustin Hoffman as the graduate who has an affair with Mrs. Robinson. Great song.

[6] The Wizard of Oz

What an overrated and totally gay movie. But have you ever gotten really baked and watch this movie on mute while listening to Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon? It’s really trippy because the music and video are synchronized and are describing the movie. For example when Dorothy enters Munchkin they dance to the song Money. Or you hear the Tinman’s heart beat.

[5] Lawrence of Arabia

Long and boring!

[4] Gone with the Wind

Frankly dear I don’t give a fuck about this movie.

[3] The Godfather

We’re are getting closer. Godfather is awesome. It’s one of those movies that you just had to watch before you die. Great acting, great story.

[2] Casablanca

Here’s looking at you kid. I knew it would rank high. It’s a classic but mostly dialog. It stars Humphrey Bogart that likes to drink and smoke. I think they should have included tits or something to keep me awake.

[1] Citizen Kane

“Rosebud.” I knew it would be the greatest movie. I think it’s on every critic’s list. Good filming and a good story. It was his sleigh by the way. I don’t know why he named it. I’d call mine GT. My favorite toy was Spirograph. “Spirograph.”

What Women Want?

2014-06-13T21:03:00.002-07:00

What Women Really Want?

Mel Gibson has starred in some of the greatest movies. He was Mad Max in the um, Mad Max trilogy. “Who runs Barter Town?” “Master Blaster.” But I already wrote about the Thunderdome a while ago.

Brave Heart is one of my all-time favorite movies of all-time. What an awesome movie, I seen it a million times. And the Lethal Weapon series are cool too. Wait scratch that. Not the last one.

And then he starred in What Women Want.

As a child Mel’s mother was Las Vegas showgirl. Personally I find that creepy. It’s almost as bad as having your mom as a stripper. “Baby momma has to go dance.” I don’t know what happened to his father but hey what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

But it would be cool to grow up around hot women. And because of this Mel becomes a huge chauvinist. I’m no Freud but I guess since showgirls are there for male entertainment he views women as objects. Which they are. Haha, I’m joking.

Freud is also mentioned in the movie because one of his last questions was what do women want? Freud, you should know, you’re gay. They want the cock! And also a nice guy that listens, likes to snuggle and watch chick flicks like Moulin Rouge or What do Women Want.

Mel Gibson plays a Chicago advertisement executive whose target market are men. And he’s a man, man. But his boss, the doctor from MASH, tells him that young women are the fastest growing spenders and they need a piece of that pumpkin pie. So the company hires a successful female advertisement executive, Helen Hunt from Mad about You and Twister.

Twister was an awesome movie the first time you watch it in theaters. As I kid I always wanted to see a tornado in person. I thought they were cool. But not the part where they ruin peoples lives.

I wonder where people in trailers go when they a tornado is coming towards them? They don’t have a basement and they can’t really stay away from windows. On the other hand they can easily replace all of their belongings at the dollar store.

I also wanted to see a flood. How much fun would it be to go visit some town with severe flooding? You can ride skidoos everywhere and jump off people’s roofs. And go fishing or swimming wherever you want. It would be like Venice.

So Mel doesn’t realize how much of an asshole he is. One of the few funny parts is when Mel walks by the fat chick and as she’s about to eat a donut he said “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Priceless. And he tells stupid jokes and I wonder how clueless you have to be to think women find them funny.

“A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.””

What a stupid joke, it doesn’t even make sense. Or Mel doesn’t realize women don’t like calling them broads. I mean who even calls sluts broads nowadays. Personally I call the hoes chicks or ladies. Hello ladies.

He frequents the coffee shop; I assume Star Bucks, and always hits on Marisa Tomei. Holy shit, she is fine. I would hit on her too. I go to Tim Horton’s every morning for a XL coffee. But my lines don’t work. “I want it black; you’re the only sugar and cream I need.”

Anyway Mel is trying out some feminine products to get into the female psyche. I think he tries some wax, lipstick, stockings and tampons. Apparently wax hurts a lot. But I have virtually no chest hair so I wouldn’t know. But I feel bad for women with an unsightly mustache.

His ex-wife is getting married and his daughter Alex has to live with Mel while the ex is going on a honeymoon. Where I assume there are playing tennis and fucking. So Alex catches him in the act trying on women products and he say he’s exfoliating. I didn’t even know what that meant until I looked it up. I guess it makes your skin vibrant and silky smooth.

Alex is a bit of brat but of course Mel knows nothing about her. Yet. Like he didn’t know she has a boyfriend who is three years older than her. And like all paranoid dads he doesn’t like that because he knows what teenage guys are thinking. Kissing and holding hands.

Anyway he’s holding onto a blow dryer and slips on some beads and falls into the bath. And instead of dying he only gets mildly shocked. And he soon finds out that he can read women’s minds.

That would be cool. I have no clue what women are thinking. I guess they think about “what time the Bachelorette is on tonight?” “What type of icream am I going to eat?” “Do I need to pick up some tampons?” or “Greg is such a stud. I hope he’s single?” Hello ladies.

Initially Mel doesn’t like his superpower and sees a female psychiatrist. This is like a Teen Wolf movie where something incredible happens and Michael J. Fox tells Styles he’s a werewolf. So Mel asks her a question only she would know and he tells her the answer. I forget the question but something like who her favorite soap opera heartthrob is or what kind of tampons she prefers.

Then the psychiatrist tells him the upside of being able to hear women’s thoughts. This is the part of the movie when things are looking up. It’s just like Teen Wolf where everyone knows that he’s a werewolf and he kicks ass in basketball.

So for the whole movie Mel eavesdrops on Helen and pretends to be the perfect man. Personally I’d stick with Marisa. But he totally steals all of Helen’s ideas. So near the end she becomes unnecessary and loses her job.

He finally does get to fuck Marisa and apparently he does a tremendous job. Then he doesn’t call her back. I think I missed a part. So he tells her he is actually gay. Homo.

He also reads his own daughter’s thoughts and finds out she wants the cock. Mel over hears that Alex is thinking that at prom “this will be the last dress I wear as a virgin.” Oh you hoar.

Later on he gets electrocuted again and boom he lost his superpowers. But he is a changed man and doesn’t need it anymore. He knows what women want. The cock. So at prom, without his powers, he finds Alex in the can crying. And that she wasn’t ready for the cock. So her asshole boyfriend hooked up with his ex. But I won’t ruin the end.

Now imagine they made the movie “What Men Want.” It would star a young and hot blond that works at Hooters. And when she is plugging in her vacuum cord in the socket; she gets electrocuted. And now she can read men’s minds. It would be a disaster.

So the blond hears what men are thinking. And everywhere she goes men want to fuck her. “I wonder what kind of panties she’s wearing.” “Oh you want the cock don’t you slut.” “I want to cum on your face.” “Nice tits.” or “I wonder what time Duck Dynasty is on tonight?”

Science versus Creationism

2014-06-10T18:45:00.000-07:00

Religion was a way of explaining things. It’s just that it did a poor piss job at it. There are certain things in the Bible that we realize are false and completely inaccurate. Like the world being only 5,000 years old.

It’s insane. The sad part of it is that there are crazy people out there that still believe in the most ridiculous things.

Creationism is the belief that God created all of the animals, including all of the birds, sea creatures and other species in six days. In other words, intelligent design is that there is a creator, God, of everything. Including Satan.

Evolution is the scientific theory that all organisms originated from a common ancestor and continue to change and adapt over generations for a long fucking time through natural selection.

I see their point of the creator of the watch analogy. That there needed to be a designer of a watch. Species are far more complicated than watches so there must be a designer; God. But watches metal devices. We are living organisms. They just don’t understand evolution.

I got this picture from I Fucking Love Science off a friend in Facebook

At first I thought this was hilarious. However it is pretty sad when you really think about it. I don’t like these religions\cults brainwashing young impressionable kids. I can’t believe this is real. It boggles the mind.

It’s like having questions like is the world flat, does the sun revolve around the Earth or is two plus two equal five? And this seems like a shitty ass fourth grade test. It’s more like a kindergarten quiz. Normal kids aren’t this stupid. Have you seen can that show Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?

So this is what I hate when people think religion is science or can be taught along with science. There is a reason why one is called a religion and one is called science. With science people test theories, hypothesis and such. With a new theory or advance in knowledge the older one is discarded.

With religion you can’t test things like “is God real?” And religion remains stagnant to change. They will never change their ideas and knowledge with new advances in science. Such as is the world is more than five thousands years old. We pretty much solved the age of Earth. So the theory of Earth being 5,000 years old should be thrown away. That’s what real science is.

But as you see they continue to be arrogant with their thoughts and traditions. When science comes along they will slightly change their religion to include it in their beliefs. So when we found out about the dinosaurs, through science, they say well man and dinosaur coexisted. Or else that fucks up creationism. And again, they won’t change creationism.

Here’s a funny question. If dinosaurs and man coexisted, then did Noah catch two of every dinosaur too? And keep them on a boat, feed them and make sure they don’t eat each other too? I would love to see Noah catch two T-Rexes and contain them on a boat without them going on a feeding rampage. Checkmate.

So if man and dinosaur coexisted, then what happened to these dinosaurs? They didn’t even attempt to explain it. When was the last dinosaur encounter, when did they go extinct? Because I don’t think it’s in the Good Book.

In fact they didn’t even know about dinosaurs until scientist excavated their bones. Apparently these Christians fail to understand fossils or geography. We tested these bones, and yes, they once lived millions of years ago. And not on the sixth day.

By the way, how do creationists explain new breeds of dogs? Like a poodle slash golden retriever. Uh, oh, God didn’t create said mutt on the sixth day. We humans created it out of cross breeding.

The Quiz:

1. The Earth is billions of years old

Um, true? Here’s an example. I assume Christians have never heard of Pangaea. Pangaea was the original super continent and by plate tectonics the continents slowly separated. Like an inch a year. Let’s just say it took more than five thousands for these continents to become where they are now.

2. Dinosaurs lived millions of years ago.

Uh, that sounds right. With geography, the layers of sediments are like a history book. When certain species are killed and trapped under mud or something, their bones are preserved. For the most part the deeper the fossils, the older they are. And they are much older than just 5,000 years old.

As I said earlier, what happened to every single dinosaur if they were around 5,000 years ago? What massive extinction killed all of these dinosaurs, all over the world, without even harming humans and present every day animals? I think something happened millions of years ago to kill them off. Go watch Jurassic Park if you don’t believe me.

3. On what day did God create dinosaurs?

I think that’s a little presumptuous. I don’t believe in God and I don’t believe He created dinosaurs. It’s like saying on what day did Greg save the world from aliens?

It reminds me of a guy I worked with at Goodwill that asked “did you ever suck a cock that you didn’t like?” If you either say yes or no that means that you’re gay. I said neither because I’m not gay or a drug addict. Checkmate.

4. Dinosaurs lived with people

No. The dinosaurs would eat and kill us. Spears, crossbows, swords, fire and catapults would do fuck all against a T-Rex. And again, they were extinct millions of years ago before man. Or even caveman. This isn’t the Flintstones.

5. What did people and animals eat in the beginning?

Not just plants. I liked to know when the beginning was. I think organism pretty much ate any organic substance. For example I never heard of lions eating grass before. Even in the beginning.

6. Which one fits the Behemoth Job 40?

He could circle an elephant, a rhinoceros or some random dinosaur. He circled the dinosaur. I think it’s a trick question. Neither. I looked up Job 40 and he doesn’t really explain what the Behemoth was. It could be a dinosaur and since it’s a question about the Bible I’ll give it to him.

7. If an animal has sharp teeth it must mean it is meat eater.

It makes sense. This question is probably the less crazy one. But my pet gerbil had sharp teeth and I didn’t feed him bacon. And beavers have sharp teeth so they can cut down wood and make a damn. So it not “must” mean it is a meat eater all of the time.

F-

Superstitions

2014-06-07T20:15:00.002-07:00

I’m not a superstitious person. But look at my life. I must be the unluckiest person ever.

Walking under a ladder brings bad luck:

I don’t know why someone would walk under a ladder in the first place. It’s pretty dangerous.

A rabbit’s foot brings good luck:

That’s disgusting. I love rabbits; they’re cute and fluffy. Why would you kill a rabbit and then carry one of his feet?

Friday the 13th is an unlucky day:

I saw the movie series Friday the 13^th a long time ago. I do know that in the first one Jason drowns and it the killer is actually his mother.

To break a mirror will bring you seven years of bad luck:

I broke a mirror when I looked at it. What happens if you break several mirrors? Do you get 14 years of bad luck or 7 years of really bad luck?

Blowing out the candles:

By blowing out all of the candles on your birthday cake you get a wish. I didn’t come true.

To open an umbrella in the house will bring bad luck:

I don’t know why someone would open it inside? I don’t even use umbrellas. I wear a raincoat and or drive. Its funny we have an old one made out of metal. Not a good idea.

Horseshoes bring good luck:

I wonder if horseshoes give good luck when people play horseshoe toss. And whoever makes horseshoes should be the luckiest person.

A bird in the house is a sign of a death:

Oh shit! We took care of my uncles parrot Judge (he’s a lawyer) just a while ago.

666:

666 is the Devil’s number. I forgot which street but I remember there are actually two houses with the address 664 and 668 in Sarnia. I mean how annoying would it be if your house or apartment address be 666 when you want to order pizza or fill out some forms and stuff.

Finding a four leaf clover brings good luck:

And finding a five leaf clover brings really good luck. You might as well carry a rabbit’s foot and horse shoe too.

Step on a crack you break your mom’s back:

I’ve done this since I was a kid but for some reason I actually avoid stepping on cracks or sticks when I walk on the side walk.

At the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold:

It’s too bad that you can’t really find the end of a rainbow.

Garlic protects you from evil spirits and vampires:

I don’t believe in any spirits, good or evil, or vampires. I do like garlic bread. And it also wards of girls.

Beginners luck:

I’m not superstitious but I find this happens all of the time. The first time I played in this poker league I finished second place out of thirty people. And I barely knew to play. And the first time I played hockey since like ten years I scored two goals.

It is bad luck to sleep on a table:

I never heard of this one but found it online. I don’t know why someone would sleep on a damn table.

An acorn at the window can keep lightning out of the house:

This one doesn’t really make sense. I have never had the problem of lightning inside my house. But I better go find some just in case.

To drop a fork means a woman will visit:

Well I better go dropping forks because I’m so very lonely.

Smell dandelions, wet the bed:

When I was a little kid I used go out to the park and collect dandelions and give them to my mom. I never had trouble of wetting my bed. But I have shite in my bed when I was sick and had massive diarrhea

Bird shit equals riches:

Haha, my friend actually got bird shit on his shoulders. What are the odds?

Washing a car will bring rain:

This must be a new one. Good thing I don’t wash my mom’s car. And my dad uses the car wash. I remember how cool it was as a kid to go through the car wash in my dad’s Fiero.

It is bad luck to chase someone with a broom:

This is just silly. Who chases someone with a broom. Good thing we have vacuum cleaners and mops.

To find a penny heads up, brings good luck:

To find a toonie brings even more good luck. I remember I found a $20 bill at the movie theater. I told my mom because it was awesome. And she tells me to give it to one of the employees. Haha, ya right.

Evil spirits cannot harm you when you are standing in a circle:

Well I better start drawing circles just to be safe.

If a black cat crosses your path you will have bad luck:

My neighbors have a black cat and it crosses my path all of the time. They just let it roam the streets at night. And I’m tired of missing cat signs. There is still one since last year. It’s gone, move on and get another one.

When your palm itches, you will come into some money:

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that my palms become itchy. Daddy needs a new car.

A cricket in the house brings good luck:

Normally I hate insects, but I don’t mind crickets. Sure they may bring good luck, but they are annoying as Hell when inside. And did you know they make that annoying sound with their legs?

Throwing salt over your left shoulder:

Spilling salt is an evil omen so you throw some over your left shoulder to ward it. Spilling pepper is safe.

Saying God bless you after you sneeze:

People say God bless you because the soul might escape. I myself sneeze in bursts of like four to ten times. I guess that’s why I don’t have a soul

If your ears itch or burn, someone is talking about you:.

My ears are always burning.

Eating fish makes you smart:

Well I better start eating more fish.

The End of the World is Coming

2014-06-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

Prologue

It’s finally here. The massive Armageddon blog. No Christians or believers. Read at your own risk.

If you could ask God one thing, what would it be? Normally people might ask why are we here or what is the point of life? Or who really killed Nicole Brown and Ronald Lyle Goldman.

My question would be, if God created everything and is all knowing, then why did He create the Devil in the first place. That’s right, if God created everything, then He created the Devil and He knew the Devil would become evil. Checkmate.

I’m an idiot. I know that. But there are so many smarter people that believe in God and everything. I find it wishful thinking. People are hoping that there is this God looking after them and they will go to Heaven when they die. They don’t want to really think for themselves.

Its nuts. Imagine your mom stated praising Zeus and the Greek gods. And she would sacrifice goats, believe in monsters with dozen of eyes and other nonsense. That’s how I feel about Christians and other religions.

And wait, they actually do sacrifice goats, believe in monsters with dozen eyes and other nonsense.

Anyway, I always hear that the end is coming soon. Everyone thinks that with so much war and destruction going on, the end will come in their lifetime. And that we will face God our maker and be judged and whatever.

I wish God could give us a date or heads up on when the world ends. I’ll admit, it’s brilliant because again everyone would be on their toes and always think that the end is near.

I think everyone should relax. The end of the world will happen when the Sun dies in about five billion years or so. That’s a long fucking time. There is the distinct possibility that human race will find a way to live on. Who knows?

Most of my friends believe God, Heaven, Hell and everything that comes with the territory. But have you actually read the bible? I don’t know if Christians don’t want to out of boredom or because they might read something they don’t like. Because there is a shitload of fucked up shit in there.

The more I know about the bible and religion, the more I feel that it is so messed up. Had my mom not been so hardcore religious than I might have still believed in all of it. Because my mom has been right about pretty much everything else growing up. By the way I hate when she thanks the Lord for a good parking spot.

Funny story though about my mom’s car. The passenger side window would work and the driver could raise and lower it. But the passenger couldn’t. And no, there is no child lock. So we went to the garage and the warranty expired a month ago. So we decided just to leave it. Then I forgot about it and tried to lower the window to get some wind and it somehow miraculously worked. And my mom thanked the Lord. True story. I’ll admit, it was uncanny. But still a huge coincidence and not a miracle.

So I have been reading verses of Revelations and had a good laugh. It’s so contrived and ridiculous. But it’s in the bible, so it has to be right. Right? Otherwise the integrity of other parts of the Bible might also collapse too. I mean you can’t just pick and choose which parts are be taking literally and not literally.

I said this before but Noah’s Arc never happened. It’s impossible for one man to travel all over the world and gather two of every animal and bring them back to this huge boat that he built himself. Then he would have to feed them and make sure they don’t kill each other for weeks on end. I would love for him to catch two crocodiles, two anacondas and two lions. Or even insects. Check mate.

You’re just stupid and crazy if you do believe that. So if it’s supposed to not be taken literally than why is it in the Bible? What is the moral or point of this story? That God is an evil dick that drowns little kids? It would have been much easier if he just gave the human race some disease for evil people.

I also wrote about my favorite part of the Bible, Geneses, and a long time ago. It’s completely made up. Back then people didn’t know that the Universe is fucking massive and that it has been around for billions and billions of years. And that the world and us people are just incredibly insignificant. We are like ants. And nobody gives a shit about ants. Especially one ant. That’s you.

So it took him like a day to make billions and billions of stars and the whole damn Universe but a few days to make animals and such. And he took Sunday off so he can relax and watch football. And now we can’t go to Wal-Mart on Sundays.

The reason I wrote this, is if the world is so wonderful, then why does he want to destroy it? Of course it only took him six days to create it, I’m sure he could create another one in a week. With Ewoks. Secondly, if He destroys the Universe, then where is this allusive Heaven?

Again I already wrote about Heaven but where the Hell is it? If Jesus rose from the dead then is it up in the clouds? Because we’d see it by now and it would be way overcrowded. So where in the Universe is Heaven? We have telescopes that can see galaxies millions of light years away. I’d think we would eventually see it. I seriously like to know more about Heaven.

If it is out there in the Universe would it have to obey the same physical laws as everywhere else? Think about that. I don’t even know if it’s on a planet or nexus or what? If it is on planet than would it need a sun. And if there is a sun, then that sun will die and so would Heaven. But Heaven lives on forever.

My theory is if there was a Heaven, than it would be in another dimension.

Armageddon

Anyway I’m paraphrasing and summarizing the following paragraph from Wiki encyclopedia about Armageddon:

So Armageddon is when the Messiah will return to Earth and defeat the Anti-Christ or Satan in the battle of Armageddon. Then the Devil will be put into the bottomless pit or abyss for a thousand years. Once he’s escapes he summons his evil friends and surround Jerusalem. Then God will shoot fire down from Heaven and defeat the Devil’s henchman and be thrown into some burning lake of fire. With brimstone.

Hmm. So why doesn’t God get off His mighty ass and defeat the Devil now? What is He waiting for? Secondly there is no such thing as bottomless pits. Except in Star Wars. And why not leave the Devil there forever? And thirdly where is this burning lake of fire? With brimstone.

So if you don’t believe me about how messed up the bible is, here are some fucked up passages from Revelations in the Good Book.

Isaiah 13:6

“Wail, for the day of the Lord is near; as destruction from the Almighty it will come!’

First off I’m a man and I don’t cry or wail. Unless I get hit in the junk with a golf ball. That would hurt. But I used to cry a lot as a kid. Like when my hamster died or when they cancelled the Golden Girls.

So God is going to destroy everything eventually. Um would it be too much to ask when exactly this destruction occurs? That way I would spend all of my money on drugs and hookers.

Revelations 1:9-11
“I, John, your brother and partner in the tribulation and the kingdom and the patient endurance that are in Jesus, was on the island called Patmos on account of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus. ¹⁰I was in the Spirit on the Lord's day, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a trumpet ¹¹saying, “Write what you see in a book and send it to the seven churches, to Ephesus and to Smyrna and to Pergamum and to Thyatira and to Sardis and to Philadelphia and to Laodicea.”

I think John made it all up. If someone today said they saw Jesus or angels, we would probably think they’re nuts. And he talks about trumpets a lot. But it would be cool to hear trumpets whenever I step outside.

Revelations 2: 18

“And to the angel of the church in Thyatira write: ‘The words of the Son of God, who has eyes like a flame of fire, and whose feet are like burnished bronze.”

I always pictured Jesus having hazel eyes. And normal feet.

Revelations 3:1

“And to the angel of the church in Sardis write: ‘The words of him who has the seven spirits of God and the seven stars.”

Um, I thought there was only one spirit. The Holy Spirit. And the seven stars sounds like Mario RPG for the Super Nintendo. Awesome game. I could easily beat it but I could never defeat the Final Fantasy final boss in the monster village.

Revelations 3:7

“And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: ‘The words of the holy one, the true one, who has the key of David, who opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens.”
This sounds like a tongue twister. It’s a bit confusing.

Revelations 4:1-6

“After this I looked, and behold, a door standing open in heaven! And the first voice, which I had heard speaking to me like a trumpet, said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” ²At once I was in the Spirit, and behold, a throne stood in heaven, with one seated on the throne. ³And he who sat there had the appearance of jasper and carnelian, and around the throne was a rainbow that had the appearance of an emerald. ⁴Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and seated on the thrones were twenty-four elders, clothed in white garments, with golden crowns on their heads. ⁵From the throne came flashes of lightning, and rumblings and peals of thunder, and before the throne were burning seven torches of fire, which are the seven spirits of God, ⁶and before the throne there was as it were a sea of glass, like crystal.”

Wow I never imagined Heaven would be like that. I always thought St. Peter would be at the pearly gates and you would have to take a number and wait in a long ass line. But hey you have all of the time in the Heaven. I thought there would be clouds, cupids and unicorns. And you see your dead relatives and play a lot of putt, putt with Jesus.

This interpretation sounds like from the Lord of the Rings. Awesome books and movies. But the end kept on going.

Revelations 4:7-9

“And around the throne, on each side of the throne, are four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: ⁷the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with the face of a man, and the fourth living creature like an eagle in flight. ⁸And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, are full of eyes all around and within, and day and night they never cease to say,

“Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty,
who was and is and is to come!””

That’s messed up. It reminds me of Lo Pan’s floating eye creature.

Revelations 6:7-8
“When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” ⁸And I looked, and behold, a pale horse! And its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed him. And they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and with famine and with pestilence and by wild beasts of the earth.”

Hades sounds like Hades from Greek mythology or Diablo 2. And those wild beasts sounds like an episode of when animals attack.

Revelations 7:1-4

“After this I saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding back the four winds of the earth, that no wind might blow on earth or sea or against any tree. ²Then I saw another angel ascending from the rising of the sun, with the seal of the living God, and he called with a loud voice to the four angels who had been given power to harm earth and sea, ³saying, “Do not harm the earth or the sea or the trees, until we have sealed the servants of our God on their foreheads.” ⁴And I heard the number of the sealed, 144,000, sealed from every tribe of the sons of

Israel

”

Wow I didn’t quite get this. How does one man see four angels standing at the four corners of the Earth without satellites? And the world is round. And what do the tribes of the sons of Israel have to do with anything?

Revelations 8:6-13
“The Seven Trumpets
Now the seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared to blow them.
⁷The first angel blew his trumpet, and there followed hail and fire, mixed with blood, and these were thrown upon the earth. And a third of the earth was burned up, and a third of the trees were burned up, and all green grass was burned up.
⁸The second angel blew his trumpet, and something like a great mountain, burning with fire, was thrown into the sea, and a third of the sea became blood. ⁹A third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.
¹⁰The third angel blew his trumpet, and a great star fell from heaven, blazing like a torch, and it fell on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water. ¹¹The name of the star is Wormwood. A third of the waters became wormwood, and many people died from the water, because it had been made bitter.
¹²The fourth angel blew his trumpet, and a third of the sun was struck, and a third of the moon, and a third of the stars, so that a third of their light might be darkened, and a third of the day might be kept from shining, and likewise a third of the night.
¹³Then I looked, and I heard an eagle crying with a loud voice as it flew directly overhead, “Woe, woe, woe to those who dwell on the earth, at the blasts of the other trumpets that the three angels are about to blow!””

It goes on and on. Hmm. A great star fell from Heaven? This was long before people have heard of the Universe and that stars are like the sun and are actually giant burning balls of hydrogen.

Revelations 9: 20

^“The rest of mankind, who were not killed by these plagues, did not repent of the works of their hands nor give up worshiping demons and idols of gold and silver and bronze and stone and wood, which cannot see or hear or walk, ²¹nor did they repent of their murders or their sorceries or their sexual immorality or their thefts.”

I’m starting to think God is a pessimist and is incredibly insecure. Again all I hear about is false gods and sins.

Revelation 12:7-9

^“Now war arose in heaven, Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon. And the dragon and his angels fought back, ⁸but he was defeated, and there was no longer any place for them in heaven. ⁹And the great dragon was thrown down, that ancient serpent, who is called the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him.”

That would make a cool movie.

Revelations 13:1-4

“And I saw a beast rising out of the sea, with ten horns and seven heads, with ten diadems on its horns and blasphemous names on its heads. ²And the beast that I saw was like a leopard; its feet were like a bear's, and its mouth was like a lion's mouth. And to it the dragon gave his power and his throne and great authority. ³One of its heads seemed to have a mortal wound, but its mortal wound was healed, and the whole earth marveled as they followed the beast. ⁴And they worshiped the dragon, for he had given his authority to the beast, and they worshiped the beast, saying, “Who is like the beast, and who can fight against it?”

This is my all-time favorite passage from the bible. It sounds like something out of Clash of the Titans or Godzilla. How could you believe in monsters and all of this nonsense?

Revelations 14:14-20

“Behold, the day of the Lord comes, cruel, with wrath and fierce anger, to make the land desolation and to destroy its sinners from it.”

First off St. John loves using the word “behold.” As do I. “Behold, I am Gregera. Fear me or die!” So God is pissed off. I guess he’s on his period.

Secondly I’m sick and tired of hearing about sinners. Sinner this, sinner that. What have they all done to piss off God so much? “Well sinner. When your child scraped his knee you purchased some band-aids on a Sunday! Since I rested on a Sunday you can’t buy stuff. You will burn in Hell for all eternity!”

Also I said this earlier but what the fuck does it mean when Jesus died for our sins. How does people crucifying God’s only son somehow nullify us doing terrible things? “Well I killed little Timmy, but somehow some dude getting nailed to a cross makes it okay.”

Revelations 16: 17-21

^“The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and a loud voice came out of the temple, from the throne, saying, “It is done!” ¹⁸And there were flashes of lightning, rumblingspeals of thunder, and a great earthquake such as there had never been since man was on the earth, so great was that earthquake. ¹⁹The great city was split into three parts, and the cities of the nations fell, and God remembered Babylon the great, to make her drain the cup of the wine of the fury of his wrath. ²⁰And every island fled away, and no mountains were to be found. ²¹And great hailstones, about one hundred pounds each, fell from heaven on people; and they cursed God for the plague of the hail, because the plague was so severe.”

There were actually seven bowls of bad stuff but it was really, really long. I wonder what the weather station reported? There is a 90% chance of lightning and thunder. Some earthquakes hitting 5.0 on the Richter scale and 100 pound hail falling from Heaven.

Revelations 19: 2

“Hallelujah! (I know what you’re thinking Stix)
Salvation and glory and power belong to our God,
² for his judgments are true and just;
for he has judged the great prostitute
who corrupted the earth with her immorality,
and has avenged on her the blood of his servants”

I think I missed something. What does some great hooker have to do with anything?

Revelations 21:1-4

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. ²And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. ³And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling placeof God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,and God himself will be with them as their God.⁴He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Um so Jerusalem came down out of Heaven from God? And there is a new Earth and Heaven? And why didn’t God get it right the first time. So no more death, mourning, crying or pain. Sounds dandy to me.

Revelations 19:17-18

^“Then I saw an angel standing in the sun, and with a loud voice he called to all the birds that fly directly overhead, “Come, gather for the great supper of God, ¹⁸to eat the flesh of kings, the flesh of captains, the flesh of mighty men, the flesh of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all men, both free and slave,both small and great.””

What!? What’s with the cannibalism? That sounds like a pagan ritual.

Revelations 22:20-21

“He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.”

That’s all folks. And I’m going to Hell.

T.V. Mascots

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The Hamburger Helper Hand

There is the weird Helping Hand thing. He helps my mom make delicious Hamburger Helper lasagna. And he gives hand jobs on the side.

Chester Cheetah

Chester Cheetah is the hip Cheetos mascot. I remember I was eating some delicious Cheetos at the mall and spent the entire day with that orange shit on my teeth. But it was worth it.

Taco Bell Chihuahua

Normally I’m not a big fan of chihuahuas. I think they’re small and ugly and look like a rat. But the Mexican Taco Bell mascot is pretty funny. I really love fries supreme and taco pizzas. Mmm.

Rice Crispy Elves

There are the gay Rice Crispy elves; Snap, Crackle and Pop. I guess that’s because you hear that sound when you eat Rice Crispy cereal. But don’t get them mixed up with the Narcotic elves Smack, Crack and Pot. And I totally love Rice Crispy Squares. Mmm.

Mr. Clean

Mr. Clean is a badass that hates dirt and grime. He’s bald, has some huge pecks and is in overall good shape. I wouldn’t fuck with him. And he has an earring and crosses his arm so that he looks like a genie. And one of my favorite Millencolin songs is Mister Clean.

Pillsbury Doughboy

“Poke me and die.” Pillsbury Doughboy, or his other alias Poppin Fresh, is the funny and friendly mascot of Pillsbury. Hoo-hoo. I fucking love their crescents. Hoo-hoo. He looks like some white dooey creature on acid. Hoo-hoo. And people like poking him on the belly. Hoo-hoo.

Green Giant

Ho, ho, ho Green Giant. Green Giant is the vegetable mascot that doesn’t wear pants. Now imagine you are looking at him from the ground up and you see that giant green dick of his just dangling there. That would be gross. He should also be the mascot of marijuana. Ha, ha, ha Weed Giant.

McGruff

McGruff is or was the police mascot. He was the talking dog wearing a trench coat. I don’t know if they had to put him down because of rabies or he got shot because I haven’t seen him on T.V. for a while. But he wants you to take a bite out of crime! You hear that criminals? He’s going to bite that tax evasion. And he hates drugs.

Tootsie Pop Owl

So some stupid kid goes around asking random animals how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. But the owl could only lick it like three times until he bites it. That’s not good for your teeth. Or beaks. Hey kid, who gives a fuck. And the number of licks varies from different people or owls. So why not just try it out for yourself.

Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima

Normally I don’t like vegetables besides Caesar salad, asparagus and Uncle Ben’s rice. You’d think Uncle Ben would be Asian because I thought they made it in

Vietnam

rice patties. I also love delicious Aunt Jamima syrup on my pancakes. And I know everyone is thinking hey did Uncle Ben and Aunt Jamima ever hook up?

Snuggles Bear

Snuggles Bear is the mascot of Snuggles fabric softener. My mom does my laundry and I don’t even know what fabric softener does. I guess it makes your clothes softer? So I looked up Snuggle commercials on Youtube. They were a combination of real Snuggles commercials and parodies of Snuggles. And they are both creepy as fuck. “Oh these underwear are so, so, soft. Haha, this bra is so, so soft.”

Eminems

I love peanut M&Ms. I wonder if Eminem is supposed to mean M&Ms because his name is Marshall Matters. The commercials star with the smart red M&M and the dufus yellow peanut M&M.

And I love Smarties. I guess the different colors are for show and doesn’t taste differently like the color of Skittles. And I always wonder why in Skittle commercials the person eats the whole fucking bag of the Skittles in one swallow. And not choke.

Kool-Aid Punch Bowl

I love making Kool-Aid because it’s easy to make and has so many flavors to choose from. The key is to add a ton of sugar. This was a way to get a sugar high when you were too young to smoke weed.

The mascot is of course the giant Kool-Aid punch bowl that’s too damn big to use the door. So he decides to break through the fucking wall like he’s on PCP. And he says oh yeah like the Macho Man. I would love to spike him with some vodka.

Energizer Bunny

The Energizer Bunny is like taking a huge piss at the bar. It keeps going and going. But I was always a Duracell fan for some reason. I like that sound in the commercials. You know what I’m talking about.

So I spent the other day going through all of our batteries and separating them between new and used. What I did was put one new battery in my Gameboy Advance and then tested the rest of the batteries one by one. Some worked, some didn’t and some were just corroded.

I’ll never use those cheap ones I bought at the dollar store ever again. Even the Panasonic ones. Now I usually use the rechargeable batteries. And am I the only one who found that the batteries in Wii remotes get drained even if you haven’t used it in a while?

Domino Noid

I love pizza. Especially Dominos. And so does Chunk from the Goonies. But I never knew what the fuck a Noid is, nor what a Noid has to do with pizza. It appears to be some creepy dude in a red bunny suit. But I do remember playing Yo! Noid for Nintendo. I forgot the goal of the game but I do remember you could hop on a pogo stick.

Little Caesar

I have already written a blog about delivering pizza at Little Caesars. It was the most fun job ever. So they started the whole Hot N Ready and paid some kids to hold up signs by the street for years. I think everyone knows about it by now. The thing was I had to wait ten minutes one time so it wasn’t really ready. And sometimes it’s not hot at all. Now they skip out on the cheese, toppings and sauce and it tastes like bread.

Anyway the Caesar mascot is the cute Roman emperor. And not the blood thirsty Roman dictator. I don’t even know if the even had pizza back then. Haha, when in Rome.

Colonel Sanders

I love KFC. As you know Colonel Sanders is the lovable founder of KFC. I don’t know if he was an actual colonel in the army or it just sounded cool. He’s dead but his legacy, white suit and string tie lives on.

KFC is pretty much the only good thing to come out of Kentucky besides horse derbies, Johnny Depp the ladies man George Clooney.

Every year me and my folks drive to Florida and we must pass through Kentucky. What a bunch of rednecks. It’s pretty sad. Seriously you want to get a Big Mac in some shitty town made up of shitty trailers and one or two shitty churches. And shacks. My tool shed is bigger than some of them.

Anyway I have been thinking of stealing the secret recipe and start my own fast food chain OFC; Ontario Fried Chicken.

Smoky Bear

Smoky the Bear is the talking bear ranger that keeps repeating that “only you can prevent forest fires.” I think he means that only people can prevent forest fires and not animals. “I’m a fucking bear; how the Hell can I prevent them?”

So make sure you put out your camp fire with water. And not piss; that’s disgusting.

It’s too bad that most wildfires occur in extremely dry weather and the wind spreads them out of control. “Look Smoky, I’m not a fireman so I can’t do shit all by preventing or stopping wildfires.”

Then there is Smoky Bong whose message is “only you can prevent crib fires.” So when you smoked your cigarettes or joints then please distinguish them in an ash tray. By the way I realize I talk about weed way too much. Its just that I really like it. That’s all.

Marlboro Man

The Marlboro Man was the classic rugged cowboy that smoked Marlboro cigarettes. Then he died of lung cancer. I don’t even know why people still smoke cigarettes, or try them in the first place when they know that they are so addictive and harmful.

What really pisses me off is when smokers get lung transplants that should go to other patients in need. So I think money from cigarettes sales should go to hospitals.

I can’t stress this enough, don’t try cigarettes. I don’t give a fuck if all your friends smoke and its part of their social life. Or that you only smoke while you drink. Again don’t ever fucking smoke. That’s the best advice I can give besides wearing sunscreen.

Camel Joe

Camel Joe is the cartoon camel mascot for Camel Cigarettes. Apparently since it’s a cartoon it makes kids want to smoke. So they had to can him. You know what else is a cartoon? GIJOE. But watching GIJOE shouldn’t make kids want to go out a buy a laser gun.

Also I thought you need be to 18 or so to buy cigarettes. “Mom, I saw a cartoon camel that smoked, can you buy me some smokes?” “Only if you clean your room.” I guess they have to use a real camel, dress him up and stick a cigarette in his mouth. But then that would get PETA all over their asses.

Camel Toe

Finally here is the definition of a camel toe by Wikipedia.

“Camel toe is a slang term that refers to the outline of a human female's labia, as seen through tightly fitting clothes. Due to a combination of anatomical factors and the tightness of the fabric covering it, the crotch and mons pubis may take on a resemblance to the forefoot of a camel.” Haha, they even showed some random chick’s camel toe.

Candy

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Candy Makes You Dandy

You know I’m running out of ideas for blogs when I make one about candy. But I have already written it, so bite me. I am however taking suggestions for new blogs. So drop me a line.

The Convenience Store

When I was kid, me and the gang would walk to the Kiwki-Mart and buy some candy. Back then candy was cheap. I used to be able to buy fun dip for a quarter. Now it cost $1.50. Inflation is a bitch. But it’s still fun as ever and you can eat the stick too. I also loved Nerds.

The Munchies

As an adult I still love candy. One of my favorite things to do is smoke weed, walk to the Kiwki-Mart and eat some candy. If you have never smoked weed than there are few curious things about it. One is that you get the munchies and everything seems to taste even so much better. I love chocolate on weed.

Another is that time seems to slow down. I don’t want to quote a Brian Adams’ song but its like when you were a kid and those summer days seemed to last forever. Now the days seem so much shorter. Where do those afternoons go? Am I the only one who notices this?

The Vending Machine

Vending machines are everywhere where there is no other place to buy food. Like at the hockey arena or the bowling alley. I don’t like paying $175 for an Aero bar. But I don’t like feeling hungry.

What I hate about vending machines is when you’re chips or whatever don’t fall down. So I would punch it and shake it. You would be surprised how many people died when trying to steal from vending machines. Apparently four times that of shark fatalities. What a stupid way to go.

Then there are times when the vending machine won’t accept your quarters or loonies. At least it isn’t as bad as over in the U.S. where they won’t take your dollar bills if they are just slightly wrinkled.

Hey my American neighbors get with the times. Loonies and toonies are so much easier than having a shitload of dollar bills that look like any other bill. We even got rid of the penny. It’s so much easier. I mean what is the point of having a penny anyway?

So I was at the old Zellers years ago and bought a pop at the vending machine. The light was on and everything so I put in my loonie into it and nothing happened. And it ate my loonie.

So I told customer service in Zellers and she said they don’t own it or something and instead gave me a number to call. Yes, I’m going to call and wait an hour for them to give me a dollar refund. If they can give me a refund at all. Damn you vending machine! Damn you to Hell!

By the way do you remember that Simpson episode where Homer gets his hand caught in the vending machine? And after a while they ask if he is still holding onto the can of pop or whatever. And he was still holding on to it. That was hilarious. I just sounded like that cute band chick from American Pie.

And while I’m on the topic I remember a long time ago in the Mooretown arena there was a cigarette vending machine. That’s hilarious. “Dammit the vending machine won’t give me my Camel cigarettes. And I’m only twelve.” I’m sure it’s gone now.

Zits

I don’t have the best complexion. Even though I use non-name proactive and a lot of soap in the shower. But my parents can tell when I’m breaking out. Every time I eat a lot of sugar I get zits. So trust me, getting zits from eating candy isn’t a myth.

The Dollar Store

I like to bulk up on candy at the dollar store. I buy most of my chocolate bars and chips there. And my energy drinks. I buy a lot skittles and starburst there to sneak into the movie theatre. I’m not going to wait in line and pay five bucks when I can buy the same damn sour patch kid bags for a dollar.

Some of My Favorite Chocolate Bars:

Wonder bars are my all time favorite chocolate bar.

Mr. Big is awesome because it’s so big. That’s what’s she said. And it tastes great.

“Baby Ruuuth.” That’s one of the best lines by Sloth in the Goonies.

Have a break. Have a Kit Kat. Or a cigarette.

How the fuck do they get the caramel in the Caramilk bar? I don’t know.

Peanut Allergies

I feel bad for people who have nut allergies. They are missing out on a lot of yummy food. I’m not sure which chocolate bars are safe. I’m pretty sure Mars or Hershey are okay. I wonder how they found out that they were allergic. Did they eat some peanut butter and almost die? Or some other severe allergic reaction.

Slurpies

Slurpies are awesome. It’s too bad that none of my nearby variety stores have them anymore. So I have to walk a fair ways to get one. But it’s worth it. I like to have layers of different flavors. Like peach, cream soda and Sprite.

The other day I got a bad brain freeze but I kept on drinking my slurpy because it was so delicious. And I have to change hands when one gets cold. I remember back in the day when those summer day seem to last forever you could buy a huge cup at 7 Eleven for five bucks and then get one dollar refills. Fucking eh.

Five Cent Candy

I always get 5 cent and 25 cent candies at the Kiwki-Mart. I can’t count worth shit because I’m usually stoned and lose track. So I count the candies by fives and tens. Then asshole clerk (I already wrote about this dick clerk before) counts them again like I’m going to rip him off.

I usually get those lips, feet, peaches, pop bottles, worms, berries, sour keys and of course Gummi Bears. (I already wrote about the awesome Gummi Bears cartoon). And I prefer them a little stale. They’re chewier that way.

The Sugar Story

This is a famous story of mine. So I got some five cent candy and ate it too. I kept the bag in my pocket because I don’t like to litter. And it’s still had some sugar left in it. So my mom is doing the laundry and finds this bag of sugar and thinks it cocaine. She freaks out and rushed over to me in my room and asks if this is drugs. I felt relieved thinking she found my weed and assured her it wasn’t drugs.

Warheads

I used to like Warheads. I haven’t seen them in a while. If you don’t know they are extremely hot and or sour candy that you suck on. As a kid I liked eating the red ones because when you spit it looks like you’re spitting blood. Like Rocky.

Push Pops

Push pops are sweet candy that looks like lipstick. And if you don’t want to suck it all you can put the cap back on. But then you walk around with a red, yellow or orange tongue, teeth and lips for the rest of the day.

Ring Pop

I like ring pop because I like bling, bling. In fact if I ever do get married I’d want to propose with a gold ring pop. “Baby, I love you. You’re soul mate. Will you marry me? I’ll get you a real ring when I have saved up enough money.”

Bubble Gum

I also love chewing gum. I remember I’d put like five hits of bubble gum in my mouth and try to blow the biggest bubble ever until it pops. It’s kind of sticky and gross now that I think about it.

Here are some great bubble gum brands:

I want to know how Bazooka Joe lost his eye.

I think Strident lasts the longest but Juicy Fruit tastes the best.

I always wondered if the Olson twins chew Doublemint gum.

5 Gum stimulates your senses. Every time I chew it, it blows my fucking mind.

I love Bubble Tape. Did you know that a roll of bubble tape is six feet long? That’s as tall as I am.

But I hate when people spit their gum on the ground. It’s not as bad as it used to be though back in the day. I have heard that in China they have huge fines and possibly jail sentences for spitting gum on the ground.

But I wouldn’t sallow it either. That’s what she said. I don’t know if it’s bad for your stomach and stays there for a long time or what? So I usually spit my gum in the sewer drain or garbage.

It’s too bad there isn’t enough garbage cans in my city. Where there are garbage cans they are always filled to the brim. And then they need cans in areas like at the high school where students throw their cigarette butts, pizza boxes, cups and other junk on the ground.

Grandma’s Dish of Mints

Do you ever notice that old people always have that rock hard candy that’s been in that glass bowl that’s been there since Regan was in office? Anyway all of this candy talk has made me hungry. But alas the Kiwki-Mart is closed and I ate all of our cookies. I guess I have to eat an apple or something.

Top Ten Worst Ways to Die

2014-05-15T22:36:00.002-07:00

(Warning: I make fun of Jebus. Please don’t get pissed off with me)

11. Being Crucified

I notice many churches have these cute messages on their front lawn. Some are clever, some are funny, some are stupid and some are just annoying. For example there is this house with some signs about meeting your creator or that Jesus died for our sins.

I’m so sick of Jesus dying for our sins. For one thing he didn’t die for our sins because people still go to Hell. Secondly he didn’t have to die because he could have used his super powers, free himself and kill the guards with eye lasers. Thirdly he’s a big fucking pussy.

Yes that’s right, I called your savoir a big fucking pussy. He is all like “why Father have you forsaken me?” Hey you get to go to the Kingdom of Heaven and rule over it beside your father; the all powerful God. I mean I would get crucified too if I had the chance.

And why did he accept the murderer’s apology and forgive his sins. “Oh Jesus I’m so sorry about killing all of those people.” I don’t think that works with other criminals. “Well Judge, I guess I shouldn’t have raped all of those children. I’m sorry.” “Well we all make mistakes. You’re free to go.”

And you know what; thousands of people, including innocent people have been crucified too. And you also know what; firemen and soldiers give their lives to save people without thinking about rewards. So it kind of takes away from Jesus’ noble death. And most importantly, millions of people have died from far worst ways.

So here are my top ten worst ways to die:

10. Buried Alive

I have a bit of claustrophobia. It’s not being in tight spots but being in tight spots that I can’t get out of. Kind of like when you are buried in the sand at the beach and your friends ditch you. I was actually dared to ride in the trunk of a car when I was in college. It was funny but I made them promise to let me out anytime I wanted out.

Being buried alive would be so incredibly scary. I’ve seen Kill Bill part two but I don’t think you can escape. Unless you are Houdini. I don’t know where you would put all of the dirt even if you can get out of the coffin. I have heard that some victims scratched the wood until they lost their finger nails. I’m not sure if they die of starvation or lack of oxygen or what.

9. Electrocution

I think they need more warnings on toasters saying don’t jam forks into it or don’t make peanut butter sandwiches in the bathtub.

I can’t believe that the

U.S.

still does electrocutions. Basically they electrocute the criminal until his heart burns or something. And it costs a lot of fucking money. Lethal injection is more humane but again it’s expensive.

But do you know what’s cheap? Bullets. And if they can’t find an anonymous executioner they should just let the victims’ family shoot the them. “Whoops, I shot him in the nuts. My bad.”

8. Freeze to Death

I hate being cold. For me it’s the main reason why winter sucks in Canada. I rather endure extreme heat than not be able to leave the house without layers of clothing. And I hate cold showers. Now imagine you fall into freezing water while you are ice fishing or skating or just drunk. It would be the worst cold shower ever. And I think you would lose your fingers and nose before you freeze to death.

7. Radiation Poisoning

I tried eating radioactive slime to give me super powers. I got cancer.

6. Drowning

I’m not much of a swimmer. I usually doggy paddle. I remember doing what we called river runs where you jump into the river and let the current take you upstream. Only I was getting far away from shore and was freaking out. Obviously I made it alive to tell this story.

So let’s say your are sailing your sailboat out in the Pacific Ocean without a care in the world and suddenly a storm hits you and your sailboat capsizes and you have to swim back to shore. Unless you are rescued by Aquaman or actually do make it to land, you would eventually drown. How scary that would be.

5. Eaten by Sharks

I have always wanted to go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef and catch Nemo. What an awesome movie by the way. I got high with a friend and watched it in the theater. We were surrounded by kids but I didn’t give a shit. However I would never swim out in the ocean because I’m afraid of Jaws. And again, I still doggie paddle.

4. Thirst

I’d hate to die of thirst. You know, you’re out in the desert and you have nothing to drink. Besides Mountain Dew.

3. Watching the Trade Center Movie

This movie should have never been made. I don’t like people profiting off such a tragedy. I guess I was curious. All they did was show some firemen trapped under the wreckage. It’s so terrible people would have to kill themselves out of boredom.

2. Climbing a Mountain

I don’t understand why people attempt to climb Mt. Everest, Mt. Doom or other mountains. Do they need to prove something? Such as the first guy to climb Mt. Everest with no arms. Or do they need to destroy Sauron’s ring? Because I’ve heard there are just scattered bodies of idiots that didn’t make it. I mean there are so many ways to die. You could fall, freeze, die of exhaustion or get buried alive under an avalanche.

1. Burn to Death

Burning alive has to be the most painful way to die. I don’t know if rolling on the ground would do anything or what. What I don’t get is why our brain registers you as being on fire. Do we really need to feel all of this pain? I guess it’s like your brain saying get the fuck out of the fucking flames now!

Imagine your house is on fire. What would you do? First I’d crawl on the ground and use my sleeves to open the doorknobs. I’d have to rescue whoever else is in the house. If I had a dog or cat I’d try to save them too. My fish on the other hand are screwed. I would also try to save my laptop, my weed, my Ipod and my Uncle Owen Star Wars action figure.

But that would totally suck losing everything. I would hate to replace all of my possession. Like my movies, video games, my almost complete wardrobe and course all of my blogs. I also wonder how much you would get for all of your belongings? “So I had 2,000 movies, 2,000 video games, three computers, thirty T-shirts, diamond ring, and the very first Superman comic. That’s like $50,000 and they’re hard to come by.

Toys from the 80s and 90s

2014-05-03T22:45:00.002-07:00

More Blogs About Toys

I have already written about the 80s, board games, Lego, politically incorrect Guess Who and other toys. But here are some more.

First off, I wonder who decides what age group toys are intended for? I feel a bit old when something is intended for 5 to 12 year olds. It should be just 5 to 90 year olds.

View Masters

View Masters are 3D toy cameras where you insert reels and the pictures pop out at you. They were fun at the toy store. After you see the reels like ten or fifteen times there is really no point now is there. They still have them at Toys R Us.

I think they should have submarine simulator reels where you see Soviet subs and enemy ships. Or better yet, Hustler reels where you see 3D boobs. That would be hot.

Chia Pets

Chi, chi, chi, Chia. Remember Chia Pets? As you should know, Chia Pets are the small animals or models with seeds planted on them that grow into grass. For example there was the Chia ram in which the grass is supposed to be fur. Only green fur. Then they started creating a variety of Chia pets or Chia whatever. They even made a Chia Homer Simpson. Too bad he’s fucking bald dipshits. And too bad they haven’t created Chia mushrooms or Chia pot. Yet.

Don’t Wake Daddy

I have heard of this board game but I have never tried it. As the name implies you have to pass by dad, or step dad, without waking him up. I did this all of the time when I was young and drunk and I had to get by my parents’ room so I could pass out on my bed. Good times.

It’s supposed be light hearted but my dad would get really, really pissed off. For example my dad might be asleep on the couch and I want some Captain Crunch. I would tip toe by but oh shit I woke him up. “Dammit Greg, I have to work tomorrow!” “Sorry dad I was hungry.” “At this hour of the night? Go to bed.”

This is an inside joke but I think they also need a Don’t Wake Doug board game.

Table Hockey

Table Hockey is like Foosball, only it sucks. They were popular before EA Hockey came along on Sega. You could only move each player down a specific pathway. You can’t even check or get into fights. Nor are there any referees. And it took a lot of fucking space that you could save for better things. Like a George Forman grill. Or a map of the U.S. Civil War.

Micromachines

I loved Hot Wheels but I loved Micromachines even more. I used to have a ton and played with my buddy on his city map. “Wee, waan, wee waan, micro ambulance coming through. Wee, waan, child got hit by drunk Micromachine corvette driver.” I think I was missing a Fiero, hummer and limousine. Or a hummer limousine.

Do you remember the Micromachine guy who could speak incredibly fast? He reminds me of an auctioneer. By the way I have always wondered what if someone bids like a $10,000 but they don’t have $10,000.

I have heard of some poor lady that got screwed. They were selling like twenty chairs and she thought that she’d buy them all for like forty bucks. But it was supposed to be all of the chairs for forty bucks each. That’s too bad.

Lolo Balls

If you don’t already know Lolo balls were shitty toys that looked like the planet Saturn where you jump up and down on it like on a pogo stick. I never had one and I’m glad I didn’t. Unlike a skateboard or roller blades you can’t pull any sick moves or even go anywhere really.

Bed Bugs

Bed Bugs is the cheap game where you use chopsticks to pick up bugs while some adolescent boy sleeps in his bed. And his bed vibrates. I wonder who came up with that genius idea. Maybe they should have adult Bed Bugs where a couple are fucking and thus vibrating the bed and you have to pick used condoms.

Walky Talkies

“Delta here. Charlie all over the fucking place. Over.” “Geo here, napalm delivery is on the way. Over.” Walky Talkies were awesome as a kid. I think mine had a range of 500 feet! Years later my friends bought some expensive walkie talkies. We could even call across town. And then cell phones came along.

Crossfire and Rockem Sockem Robots

I have never actually played them because they looked stupid. The crossfire could be better if it was more like pinball, against someone else. And Rockem Sockem robots were retarded. It’s not like you can jab, block or even bite someone’s ear.

Construx

I have already written about my favorite toy Lego. But I also loved Construx. You connect plastic pieces together and make whatever you could dream of. My cousins even had the ones where they move. Yes. They move! KNEX are cool too. But I have nothing really to say about it. I just liked them, that’s all.

Light Brite

I remember a while ago I smoked a lot of weed and decided to rummage through my old toy box. Only it wasn’t a box but a giant egg that looked like Humpty Dumpty. Haha he humps and he takes a huge dump. Fun fact: nowhere in the nursery rhyme or story did it say Humpty was an egg. So I found my light brite and it was really trippy. I deiced to make a huge pot leaf.

Play-Doh

Play-Doh was fun because you could create anything you can think of. Such as dragons or hamburgers. Too bad you couldn’t eat it. But mine harden after a while. Just like my dick after watching Sex and the City. Then they made toys to go with it. Like toys that made noodles, hair or shite.

Easy Bake Oven

If I knew you were coming I’d bake a cake. Bake a cake. Easy Baked Oven is a mini oven with a light bulb that cooks cookies. I love cookies but I never had one. I guess they were intended for little girls. I would love an Easy Big Mac Oven. I’m pretty sure they use the same light bulb as McDonalds.

Dolls that Piss

When I was wee one, I loved one stuffed animals. Especially my soccer ball popple. But I was scared of dolls. And I still am. My aunt had a ton of them and they gave me nightmares. I thought they would come alive and eat me in my sleep.

Then they had realistic dolls that cry or whatever. There were even dolls that pissed or throw up. Gross. Do little girls actually enjoy this? Maybe they should have geezer dolls where you have to change their diapers and give them medicine.

Then there were those expensive realistic dolls that high school students had to carry everywhere they go and feed them or rock them when they cry. I guess this is for all those dirty sluts to realize teen pregnancy isn’t fun. I would love to grab one and just throw it out the window. I don’t know if the baby doll dies but I bet they would lose points.

Talkboy

I always wanted a Talkboy. Basically Talkboys can record messages and change the speed of the messages. This can come handy when drinking. “I’m so fucking wasted man. And there is this hotty looking at my way. Time to turn on the Merchant charm.”

Do you ever hear yourself when you were recorded? In my head I sound like a suave double agent. When I hear my own voice I sound like a cartoon character. I also wonder if you could tell how hot a chick is by her voice. And would you go out with a lady even if she sounds like white trash? Sure they could be a total hotty but eventually you would get sick of hearing her talk.

Teddy Ruxpin

I just saw the movie Ted again the other day. Hilarious. My favorite part is when Ted and Mark fight. Or when Mark knocks out the fat kid. And Jackie is totally hot.

I have never seen a Teddy Ruxpin but my buddy had a fake one. Rux of course is the talking bear who moves his eyes and mouth and tells stories. He has a cassette player built in his back. I think the new ones have those USB memory sticks.

I don’t know what stories he tells. Maybe he tells of stories of getting drunk and doing some random stuffed animal slut. Or maybe the story of the Three Little Pigs. I don’t know. I had my mom to read me bed time stories and not a robotic bear.

Edward Scissor Hands

2014-04-04T17:50:00.002-07:00

Edward Normal Hands

Edward Scissor Hands is a classic movie starring a young Johnny Depp as Edward. If you haven’t seen it then stop reading this blog because there are spoilers. And by spoilers, I mean I give away the whole damn movie. So go out and rent it at Blockbuster and watch it. And then you can enjoy this blog. Haha, Blockbuster. Who rents from there nowadays?

Do you ever hear the sang that “it’s only a movie”? Or ask “how could that possibly happen?” Often times my mom says why didn’t he just do that? Then there wouldn’t be a movie then would there. This happens in Edward Scissor Hands.

The movie begins with some old lady telling bed time stories to her granddaughter. She tells the story of Edward Scissor hands and why it snows there.

Obviously Edward has these scissor hands. They are kind of like Freddy Kruger’s claws only he can’t take them off. And unlike Wolverine he can’t retract them either. But what a badass. I wouldn’t fuck with him.

So there is this mad scientist that creates robots. Some of those robots make cookies for example. I have no idea how he sells them or if he eats them himself? Well crazy scientist picks up a heart shaped cookie and decides to make a robot with a heart. And he makes this robot with fucking razor sharp claws as hands. How could he give shake hands or give a high five?

Throughout the movie we hear that Edward was incomplete. And the scientist died right before he was about to give the freak hands. Which makes you think why he didn’t he just make him hands in the first place. Instead of making these weapons as hands. So this is when there wouldn’t be a movie if Eddy here got hands.

So why did loony scientist give him fucking scissors hands? What a sick fuck. I don’t know how he could survive without killing himself. First off how does dress himself? Or take a leak. Or jerk off. Then he could easily stab himself while he is sleeping. And have you ever heard your mom say don’t run with scissors. Haha, I guess Ed shouldn’t run at all. Haha.

The story beings on a suburban street with the same bright colored homes. And there are no token black people. Peg is an Avon lady going door to door trying to sell her beauty products. But nobody wants any. For one thing Peg isn’t exactly a beautiful person.

I mean, I could be in the middle of a dungeon in World Warcraft and be interrupted by someone who feels I need facial cleansers. Which I do, but I rather go to a store. It’s funny; a friend of mine is selling air purifiers or something dumb.

It reminds me when Mormons go to people’s homes trying to peddle their stupid religion. It’s almost like when you were kids and played nicki nicki nine doors. I preferred to go to rich people’s homes because it takes them longer to answer the door.

My mom actually invited some Mormons in so they can have a heated debate. They weren’t expecting that. I mean how many people do they actually convert into Morons anyway. If at all. Editor’s note: I accidently called them Morons instead of Mormons. I think that’s funny. But I’m actually considering to go to their insane masses and have a good laugh.

So Peg decides to go to the huge dark creepy mansion up on this tall cliff to sell some beauty products. Not the best idea because I don’t think people who live in haunted mansions care about their pores or finger nails. And wouldn’t the gothic mansion be an eyesore to everyone who lives there?

Peg goes to the front gate and when nobody answers she decides to sneak in. If she had any common sense she would leave right away. Of course then there wouldn’t be a movie now would there.

Peg sees all of these hedge sculptures and such. And she is amazed. Then she sees Edward and she freaks out. If I was her I’d run away and most likely piss in my pants. Then there wouldn’t be a movie no would there. But she has a change of heart and decides to take him home with her.

He meets Peg’s husband and son who initially freak out. But they soon like him. So Ed is having trouble eating with scissors as hands. But for Thanksgiving he could always carve the turkey. But I don’t know how he ate when he lived all by himself in the mansion. But hey, it’s a movie.

And for whatever stupid reason he sleeps on a water bed. And Ed pokes a hole and water shoots out everywhere. Who could see that coming? I remember my babysitter had a waterbed. It was fun. You’d think it would be comfortable but apparently it’s really bad for the back.

Everyone along the street are gossiping about this mysterious man. And there are a ton of cougars out on the prowl that are turned on by his claws. They hit on him every chance they get. Too bad they are all ugly. I don’t know why they would like to fuck him when he could accidently stab them. I’m sure he could still get a blow job.

So Edward puts the claws to good use and decides to cut people’s hedges. I don’t know why everyone has these huge hedges, but hey it’s just a movie. He does a good job even though I don’t know how he could reach the really tall ones. Unless he has a ladder.

Then he decides to give this poodle a nice trim. Redhead cougar sees this and asks for a haircut. So he gives all of the cougars haircuts. But they are just terrible, terrible haircuts. My mom used to give me haircuts. And now I’m balding on top and once you reach a certain point you might as well shave it all off. And now I’m really depressed.

So Peg forgets to tell her daughter Winona Ryder about a mysterious man with claws that is staying in her bedroom. She of course freaks out. I would too. And poor Edward falls for her. Too bad she has a boyfriend. He is the nerd from the Breakfast Club and wow he has filled out and became a tough guy. I will call him Asshole.

Winona, Asshole and some friends want to break into Ass’s own father’s place to steal shit. They bring Edward along so he could break the lock. But the alarms go off and they ditch Ed who couldn’t grab the damn door knob. Winona wants to go back and help him but is unable too.

Later on Edward carves an ice sculpture and Winona dances in the snow. I think she fell for him too. Remember this. But he accidently cuts her. So some shit goes down and stuff happens. I already returned the movie so everything is a bit hazy.

So Asshole is drunk and is about to hit Winona’s brother. Ed makes a daring rescue but cuts the kid’s arm. Everyone freaks out and they are pissed off. And Edward just loses it and then flees to the mansion.

Well Winona and Asshole follow him. Asshole assaults Winona and starts shooting at Edward. Then Ed stabs and kills Asshole. And then Winona tells everyone they both died. And then Winona shoplifts. Which makes you wonder how someone who should have so much money could stoop so low?

We are back with Winona as the old lady finishing her story to her granddaughter. And that when Edward carves his ice sculptures high up in the haunted mansion it snows. Unless I’m skiing or making a snowman I hate snow. Damn you Edward! I’m getting really pissed off with the snow. It’s June for Christ sakes.

Welcome to Canada

2014-03-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

Border Runs

If you don’t know yet, I live in Sarnia Ontario, Canada (for those who don’t know where Ontario is) which boarders Port Huron, Michigan. There is the St. Clair River that divides us from our American neighbors. And we have two bridges, and ferry down south.

You can get a Nexus pass which is for frequent drivers so they can use the quicker Nexus lane. What really pisses off is when there is a long lineup and people try to bud in. My dad won’t give them an inch. If you do have a Nexus pass you put on your four ways to let everyone know. Then some asshole just thinks hey I will just skip everyone else too.

I know two custom officers that like to mess with people. Kind of like in Super Troopers. There is the meow game where you say meow as many times as possible. For example, when they mean “now” they say “meow”. Such as “can I have your passport meow?” One funny custom guy said “don’t look at me like that” and it startled me and I said I wasn’t. He was joking.

So years ago out of boredom I decided to cross the bridge and check out the mall. I got into the shortest line but it was still about a 20 minute wait. Everything was going smoothly until I noticed that they had a German Sheppard. As soon as I saw it, fear overcame my entire body, I was literally shaking.

It was the most intense and scariest moment of my life because I usually keep a small bag of weed, a pipe and a lighter in my cargo pants pocket. They started going along the rows of cars with the drug sniffing dog.

So I slowly checked my pockets and I was so relieved to find them empty. Actually I had a McDonald’s coupon. I was still a little nervous as the dog came by. All I wanted to do was give the biggest boot to the dog’s face because he suddenly stopped by my car. Just then I noticed that I had some ashes and small bits on the floor.

The officers immediately started interrogating me like I was a fucking terrorist. They were all like “whose car is this? Where are you going? Where is the weed? Why are you so nervous?” And I was like “I’m headed to the mall, this is my brother’s and my car. I don’t have any weed, but sometimes my brother leaves roaches in the ash tray. And I’m not nervous!” I was nervous.

The guy was yelling at me, “This is your last chance, tell me where the weed is.” So they searched my entire car while I had to fill out some forms and tests. They hated me, they were looking at me like I dealt crack.

I lied and I told them that the last time I smoked was years ago. And they were still like “nice hemp necklace!” I got a little scared when I had to rub my hands against this pad and I was about ready to give the most emotional heart to heart as to why I smoke weed.

But when they couldn’t find anything, they simply let me go. When it was all done and over with I realized how insane it is that marijuana is illegal. Just replace the word weed to cigarettes or vodka and you’ll know how I feel.

Years later my idiot brown friend smuggled weed from the States back into Canada. Great idea, that’s worth it. They totally racial profile brown people. Personally I can get weed pretty much anytime I feel like it. But I like to buy a lot each time to save the hassle.

He also tried to score weed at the hemp shop. Obviously they smoke weed but it’s not going to happen. I did buy a pipe for some underagers one time. I hope they got really high. It was my good deed of the day.

If I was going to smuggle drugs over the river I’d get an old couple into the heist. They would drive an RV and load it up with stuff you’d normally bring if you were going to Vegas or wherever. Then I’d hide the narcotics in the Frosted Flakes, medicine or Grammy’s tampons. If old women still use tampons.

Or I would get a Nexus pass and regularly play soccer or work or make up something as to why I’m going to the States all of the time. Or maybe I’d take my chances on the ferry.

If you think gas is high in the States then try Canada. And it keeps going up and there’s nothing else to do except get a hybrid. In fact people will go over to the States just to fill up.

I don’t know why the price of gas fluctuates. Just keep it the same for at least a week at a time and save the headaches. There must be some evil underground council that decides the price for all of the gas stations.

The cool part of the U.S. is that you can buy beer anywhere, anytime for real cheap. So when the beer stores are closed and we want to get drunk that very night, we do a border run.

On the news I heard in the middle of winter some guy put on some scuba gear and put some coke in a waterproof container. He swam across the river in five in the morning and someone must have seen him and alerted the police. Now I forgot where he was going. I hope for his sake he was headed to Canada. Otherwise he’ll be sucking dick for a long fucking time.

The Mail

2014-03-26T20:03:00.002-07:00

Extra Extra: Gregera Kicks Ass

I’m not sure how much a mailperson makes but my dream job would be a mailman living in Florida. It would be awesome just walking around in nice weather, waving to friendly old people as you pass by and listening to Tina Turner on my Ipod. “You’re my private dancer…”

I already walk around my town anyway. It’s fun. People spot me all of the time all over my city of Sarnia. Like I’m Waldo. And they wonder what I do or go exactly. Well I have missions. Yesterday my mission was to get stoned, go to Taco Bell and check out movies at the new movie store.

Today my mission was to get a new drivers license and health card. I must have picked the best possible time to go because my number was up next and it took me a whole three minutes to wait. And I didn’t realize that they do both at the same time.

My signature was God awful and I went over the box. It’s just that I don’t write anymore and I have become used to using the computer. And I have become completely dependent on spell check. I just hope my picture isn’t as ugly as my former picture. And I wasn’t allowed to smile.

Anyway, I would prefer to go for jogs but I’m only 31 years young and have already fucked up my knees from various reasons. Mainly because I lifted too much weight at the gym. So be careful. Tomorrow my mission might me to go to the dollar store or defeat the manicore in his lair on Mitton Street.

But I’m getting sick of my city. I loved living in London because there’s more to do, places to go and bars to get my drink on. And more shopping. Yes, I’m very metro. If it wasn’t for my family I would move to bigger city. Like L.A. and become an actor. I just don’t know anything about immigration laws and such.

If I could get my mom’s car, I would love to drive to Toronto in nice weather, maybe to see my college roommate and friends and go on an adventure all over the place. Like going to Little China and buying whale teeth and pirated movies and video games on the black market. I just hope I don’t wake up in some alley with one of my kidneys removed. I’m saving it to sell so I have enough money to buy a karaoke machine.

I used to be an excellent paperboy so I know my stuff. I delivered for the Sarnia Observer. I joined the paperperson career a little too late. Most paperboys are usually in grade five or so. I became one in grade nine. Yes, I was a high school paperboy up until grade eleven.

I used to play the Paperboy on the Nintendo. Who would have thought that a game where you deliver newspapers would be so much fun? I don’t think Garbage Man or Milkman would be as good. So you toss papers at people’s homes and avoid bees and drunks.

Imagine you could do that in real life where you don’t give a shit if you smash people’s windows. I also wonder why someone would get their dog to retrieve the paper when it gets slob all over it. It’s a few feet, get it yourself lazy.

Anyway, people liked me because I was polite and delivered on time. Even on Saturday mornings. The former paperboy wasn’t quite so. For example one household had paid him months in advance even though you’re not supposed to do that. So he quits and got away with like a $50. The Observer compensated.

I wish I had the job earlier because that three bucks a day would go a long way as a kid. At the time my allowance was pretty much three bucks a week and I got only five bucks for mowing the lawn. I would buy stuff such as trading cards, cheap video games, candy and ministicks to name a few. Now I get $50 a week for doing next to nothing.

I had the perfect route. I delivered to all of my neighbors, and my own parents, around a loop. It took me only like ten minutes and I listened to my handheld cassette player. I had a couple of mixed tapes, some that I recorded off the radio. “Yes, it’s the Abercrombie and Fitch song! I better hurry up.”

All my neighbors were friendly and gave me good tips. Except for one dick who didn’t like me cutting across his lawn. Yes, his precious lawn. Its not like I’m ruining it or anything. After all he has to cut it. “You better stay the fuck off my lawn. I just got it fertilized asshole.”

However I broke my leg playing hockey and had a cast on for five long months. The good part of it was that I actually had worker insurance. So my friend covered for me and I got free money. The bad part was the cast was itchy as fuck.

The Observer has a few sections. It used to come with its own TV guide. It came in handy by knowing what the week had in store. So I could find out the time of any movies or shows. “What’s this? Judge Dread is on Friday at 8:00pm. I better keep my Friday night open. And a Golden Girls marathon! Fucking eh.”

The entertainment section is entertaining but I rather just go online and catch up on my gossip. And I don’t like the Observer’s critics and their reviews. They will give a movie like Anchorman 2 two stars. Sure it wasn’t as good as the first one and was a little racist, but it was far better than the other choices. And my friend Kevin called me Brick.

I don’t know why, but my mom regularly checks the obituaries. So you find out who croaked. When I die, I want a full front page dedicated to me, of me riding a unicorn. You also see birthdays and special occasions. Like when some old dude lived to be over a century, some ugly people get married or when Kevin became a doctor. And ladies, he’s single.

The local news is so boring. Except when something horrible or sensational happens. Like if in Chemical Valley some unfortunate soul falls off the rail 200 feet to his death. I realize they try to show positive things. Like some kid made the tallest snowman. In fact my mom was in the paper a long time ago when she worked in the hospital.

I love playing sports, but I don’t need to know that the Sting hockey team lost another game or know the results of a stupid lacrosse match. But we still have a picture of my brother playing soccer when he was a lad. He was the athlete, I was the nice one.

I could never play any of the word games like crossword puzzles, sudoku or word searches. I don’t have any sort of vocabulary and I get tired of erasing my sudoku numbers. And word searches are something you do in elementary school. Like when you have a bible word search. “Yes, I found the holy grail. And yes I found the word shit.”

And of course there is the comic strip section. My mom likes Zits. My dad likes the Broons. And I like Garfield. Oh Garfield, you’re a cat, you should be eating Friskies, not lasagna. I wonder if he takes catnip to calm his nerves or take shits in a litter box. And why does he hate Mondays so much. He doesn’t have a job or anything. Like me.

However the mailman is a dying breed. Now people get their news online or on the television. And people pay bills and whatnot also online. So I hear on the news, haha, that in the near future people will have to go to the mail drop off thing to pick it up their mail. That would suck.

And I don’t know who would deliver the flyers then? I might miss out on a sale at Leons. Of course the only mail I get is a Christmas card from the Wilson family, a birthday card from my godmother and free trips to Mexico. But I never heard back from Paul McCarthy or Cher.

My Dad is Going to Kill Me

2014-03-20T11:27:00.002-07:00

The Garage Door Accident

I have done so many idiotic things in my life. I have been called Brick on three separate occasions. But I already wrote a blog about my intelligence. And how I don’t give a fuck. The weird thing was I used to be really good at math in elementary school. Now I can barely count my change.

And yet I have also been called a smart guy by people I just met. Such as when I was chatting with some girl on the train or playing poker with some people. I guess they didn’t really get to know me. If I only don’t say anything, people would assume I’m alright. But I still do. Like when I talk about video games, weed or my favorite parts in movies.

Even my aunt thought some of my blogs were clever. So naturally my mom wants to know what I have been writing all of these years. But I won’t tell her because I write about religion, doing drugs and getting wasted. And I don’t think my mom would appreciate my humor.

And I promised my mom that I stopped smoking the ganja. And when see found my pipe and a bag of weed under my bed I told her not to throw it out. Please. She gives me some excuse why she was under my bed. Like she was going to vacuum under my bed.

I remember my first day at college I brought a small safe with my shrooms and weed. My dad somehow found the key and opened it so he could put more stuff in it. Or that’s what he said. So he finds the illegal drugs and we had a discussion. I told him I would be careful and that would he rather me get drunk instead?

And my mom thinks weed is a drug and is illegal and is therefore wrong. And I could go to jail. “I won’t allow that filth in my house.” Yes the cops are just going to randomly search my room with a hunch and arrest me for possession of half quarter of marijuana.

They would be like “well Johnson, that’s one more criminal off the streets.” “Yes, Tim, no more stoner smoking weed behind the church, eating starburst and then going home to watch South Park.” “Ha! South Park. They’re all the same.” “Yes, and now lets get some donuts.” “I like the brown ones.” (that was a classic line from my brown friend about brown popsicles.)

In fact I don’t tell my mom funny stories anymore because she uses it against me. For example I was walking home from a friend’s place and these two punk kids started to make fun of me. One said “who the fuck are you?” And I responded with “Greg, who the fuck are you?” Then they made fun of my name and called me a drunk. I called them fags. So he pushed me and I split back to my buddies place and they ran away.

So I told my parents because I thought it was funny. My dad said to go for the weaker one and go for his nose. My mom just flipped. And now my mom doesn’t like me walking after ten. I’m an idiot. This happens all of the fucking time.

Since I don’t believe in the good Lord, I blame fate. Oh damn you fate, why me? My life is like the movie a Series of Unfortunate Events. There are so many minor things that have made such a dramatic impact on my life. If only my time machine actually worked.

So I just got my first parking ticket. I didn’t even see it on the dashboard until my mom informed me about it. I look at the street name and realize it was when I parked downtown. There was a lot of snow so I couldn’t see the parking lines and I guess if there was a sign then I didn’t see it.

The worst part was that I was in and out of the store for only five minutes. So it just happened to be that some meter maid just so happened be around and just so happened that meter maid gave me the ticket. I think she was waiting for a bust. I hope they hate their job. I mean would you enjoy being a prick and cost people money for parking ten minutes longer on a two hour parking spot?

It’s not like they’re getting any of the money like they’re on commission. Would their boss be like “well my asshole meter maid, you only issued a dozen tickets today? I want you to screw more people. If they’re an inch over the line, give them a $2,000 ticket.”

Luckily it was my first ticket and was only thirty bucks; so my mom wasn’t that upset. However I could have done a lot with those thirty bucks. Like buy some Corona or bet on some race horses.

Then the next day I broke our garage door. Yes, I forgot to open the garage door and reversed my mom’s car right into it. And I’m like fuck me. Fuck me hard. It was pretty bad.

I freak out and tell my mom. She really freaked out. I said “I can’t take this; I’m going for a walk.” I felt horrible and was thinking how much this is going to cost. I thought maybe ten grand. And my dad is going to kill me. Oh shit.

The worst part is it didn’t have to happen. First off, I was going to go to the mall and Burger King to get a junior whopper, onion rings with zesty sauce and mozza sticks. If only I stayed home ate some delicious Kraft dinner instead.

I was going to walk to the mall but it was a little chilly out so my mom said I could take her car. It just so happened to snow so my mom parked in the garage. And my mom asked if I needed her help backing out of the garage so I don’t scratch my dad’s jaguar. I said no. The whole time I didn’t want to scratch my dad’s jaguar and was looking at it and then bang.

So I’m walking and thinking of excuses and playing the blame game. Like I never asked to be born. Or that I don’t have a good memory. “Ya, dad. I did it on purpose. I thought hey, lets drive right through the garage door.”

So while I was gone, my mom called my dad. And yes, he was pissed off. Very pissed off. He was furious. My dad was going to reduce my allowance to only $20 and not let me drive the car for two whole months. But after a while he cooled down.

They just so happened to find my walking down the street and picked me up. Oh shit, its time for some serious acting. My dad was still mad but shit happens. He of course once had the SUV halfway out the garage and wasn’t thinking when he opened the trunk to put the hockey bag in and hit the garage door.

He estimated the replacement to cost $3,000. And it was. The garage door people showed up right away and they fixed the huge dent and my dad taped the glass windows. Good, so now punk kids won’t steal shit from our garage or the jag won’t get scratched by snow, ice and shit.

But three grand? That’s a Florida trip right there. And that would take all of my mom’s frugal shopping and clipping coupons to make up for it. Oh what I could do with that money? However I still get the car and I’m sure I will get my $50 allowance again. Or there goes my fast food addiction.

The Roast of My College Roommates

2014-03-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

Stewie

My first year as Western University was awesome. I lived in a new dorm where you and three other roomies share a common room and kitchen. With cable! My whole hallway took the same classes and we all hung out and hit the bars together. And I was using and dealing weed and mushrooms. Very trippy. Very fun.

My roommates and everybody were cool but the life of the party was Stewie. I came a day later and thought that was his real name. Apparently he cooked some stew or soup and that became his nickname. His real name was Jason. If you care. And we called my brown roomy Brown Town.

As I said, he was a big fat party animal. Just like Pluto. He was hilarious. Everyone loved getting high with him. Especially the ladies. Yes the ladies loved him but he wasn’t getting any action. It might be that all of the chicks were just way too hot and there were not really any homely or other fat girls.

So everyone was putting up posters and we both had Scar Face posters. What an awesome movie; the end is the best. Yes we had the same taste in movies and T.V. But he loved wrestling. I thought it was gay. And he called one of my favorite shows Kids in the Hall gay. Okay, the one guy is flaming. But I told him he has to see their movie Brain Candy. He loved it.

My beef with Stew was that he had shitty taste in music. Like Nickelback or Edwin. He especially played a lot of Creed, really loud. The guy can’t sing worth shit and all of his songs are about is Jesus. “We arms wide open…”

My French Roommate

My second year at college I lucked out and got my own room again. Good thing because I would hate to share a room with another dude. I don’t know how that would work. I mean do you go to go to sleep at the same time. “Goodnight Greg.” “Goodnight frog. Hey frog, do you listen to French rock music? Oh never mind. Good night.”

In the first semester this French foreign exchange student also had his own room next to mine and we shared a bathroom. I don’t know if he put all of his toiletries back in his room each time he used them because I never seen any of his soap or shampoo in the bathroom. I hope he wasn’t using mine. He never even drank our water. I mean we have crisp fresh water. I guess he is used to his piss poor Paris sewer water.

He spoke English well. Even better than me. I mean even better than I. But we never really had an actual conversation. Classes were a breeze and I had them on Monday through to Wednesday. So I had a huge fucking long weekend. The problem was everyone in my hall was 18. Sure I bought everyone booze and we played a lot of drinking games but I had nobody to go to the bars with me. Except Frenchy.

So I went to the bar alone on a Wednesday to get my drink on. And I ran into him. He was with his other foreign friends. I said hi and he said hi but he didn’t even introduce me to them. So a few weeks later I saw him again and he barely acknowledged me. So I thought screw it be a foreign asshole. Go back to France, wear a beret and drink your wine.

Later on I was trying to get up early and hit the snooze button two times. I didn’t even know he could hear it. But I woke him up. Okay my bad. But all he had to do is ask me to just get up the first time my alarm goes off. No he came over and was totally pissed off and told me to “turn it off, I’m not going to say it again.” And that was the last time we ever spoke.

The next semester there was this Russian student that sounded British for some reason. He was very well mannered and the first time we chatted he said we should get acquainted.

Again I invited him to the bar but he was always busy. He never left his room expect to go to class. You come all the way from

Russia

to stay in a small room and miss out in the college experience. I guess Mother Russia wanted to send this nerd to impress people instead of some party animal. Or maybe he was a spy.

Jerome

My third year college classes were much tougher than the past two. Again I got my own room and shared a common room with two other guys. With cable! There was my favorite roommate JP McCool and my nice and friendly roommate Jerome.

However for being a Jamaican, my roommate Jerome was the most uptight person I have ever met. And he didn’t even smoke weed. I think there is an unspoken rule that if you’re Jamaican you can smoke the ganja where ever you go.

He had some awesome dreadlocks. Then his ex-girl friend cut them off. And I’m like why?! I don’t know how long it takes to grow them, braid them and go without washing them? Speaking of ex-girlfriend, she hung around all of the time. Without being a fuck buddy.

Me and my other roommate McCool became great friends and Jerome felt left out. But we asked him all of the time if he wants to drink some beer, watch a movie, go to the bar with us. Or just shoot the shit. When his birthday came around he actually wrote down a message asking his friends to come to his birthday. That’s funny.

Of course he can’t drink worth a damn. I heard he was puking all over the toilet. Good thing he had his own bathroom. I don’t even remember the last time I puked all over the toilet. Haha. Because I don’t make it to one in time. Haha.

There was this long running joke since the first few days Jerome couldn’t find his tape. He kept asking us all of the time if we seen his tape. Look Jerome, me and JP don’t have your damn tape, it must be in your room or the common room. I didn’t even know why he wanted tape, but whatever.

I should have just bought him another one because he was clearly too damn cheap to buy it himself. Then the last day he picked up his text book and his tape was there all along. I still don’t know why he didn’t move the book earlier or need the text book in the first place.

JP McCool

McCool was my favorite college roommate and good friend. What a McCool name. That year would have sucked balls without him. Sure the first few weeks I went to the bar with some people down the hall. It was fun but nobody smoked weed and I didn’t have much in common. And I kind of pissed off some of them when I left the bar really drunk and they looked all over for me.

I remember this plump girl wanted me to get facebook. And I was thinking what the Hell is facebook? It took me a while to finally get one. Then I wrote a series of these stupid long ass comments that I thought were funny and lost a lot of my friends. But this gave birth to this very blogpage where I can write about anything I want. Like Frisbee golf or leprechauns.

At the time I was pretty fat. I really let myself go. Oh Big Macs and loneliness are a dangerous mix. I guess it’s because I love to eat. And me and JP love our Kraft dinner. He had like a cauldron and we would share two or more boxes of Kraft dinner or Kraft brunch.

So I didn’t have much chance with any decent looking chicks. Even though girls have low standards. And my pal Wilson made fun of me. I now lost over 30 pounds and almost have a six pack. Hello ladies.

JP is a smart guy. After all he went to a private school. I knew a guy at soccer who also attended private school. He was very kind but he didn’t really have much social skills.

But JP was McCool.

I think JP majored in physics and messed around with lasers. He is like the guys off of the Big Bang Theory. But not so much of a nerd. So he really helped me out with a lot of math. I was hoping he could have took the exam in my place.

Speaking of exams, I’m pretty damn good at them. I suck at essay questions or fill in the blanks but if I see the options I can tell the right answer. “Oh teach, you would want me to pick A wouldn’t you?” I take my time and wait till the very end to hand it in. I go through the whole exam for questions I’m certain of. And then I go through it again a little slower and leave the ones I have no clue till the end.

Too bad I really had to go the bathroom during one. I was about to shit my pants and couldn’t wait an hour. So I explained my situation to the T.A. and it worked out anyway.

Now this is getting way, way off topic but I was watching what I think was British Who Wants to be a Millionaire and one of the answers was obviously the letter B. But the letter B was actually on the option C. If you see what I’m getting at. And it fucked with his mind. So he picked option B and lost. It was almost unbearable to watch.

While off topic; one time the hall monitor came by because the bitches across the hall wanted us to turn down the volume. Look if its too loud than just swing on by and just ask. You know, instead of tattling on us. And the janitor broke my Wii cables but didn’t take any responsibility. And I missed Wii bowling.

We had some good times. Good thing me and JP love to drink beer and we didn’t like dance bars. The second semester we both took astronomy on Monday and had no classes on Tuesday. Astronomy was a joke. Even for me. And the campus bar was right around the corner.

I had a credit card which was like free money and we’d get two or more pitchers of beer. Each. And maybe some fries. Each. We met some interesting people. I remember we were chatting with this hot chick that was going out with her professor. Hilarious.

We would then walk home all drunk and call the lesbians at the all-women’s dorm, lesbians. Or quote Grandma’s boy. “I want metal legs.” On weekends we would bar hop all down Richmond Street and get pizza. Yes we had some adventures. And I’m planning making some more when I visit the T.O. whenever the weather isn’t like absolute zero.

Channel Surfer

2014-02-22T13:08:00.000-08:00

I am defiantly a couch smashed potato. I have been born and raised on TV. When other kids were playing outside with kites or devil sticks, I was watching the Gummi Bears or Perfect Strangers. Even while I’m doing something else I have to have the TV on too. It keeps me company on those cold Canadian nights.

I’m also defiantly a fast channel changer. While mom takes her sweet time looking at each channel, I’m flipping like crazy. “Shit, shit, shit, oh Coach. Yeah! Coach!” In fact each season I have a routine. For example in grade ten, there was Drew Carrey at 6:00, News Radio at 6:30 and an hour of Simpsons, Murder She Wrote at 8:00. You get the point.

What they really need to do is have a rerun station of only good shows. And I mean good shows. Like Simpsons, Seinfeld, South Park, Golden Girls... You get the idea. It would be a channel when there is nothing else on but you have nothing better to do. I’d call it “GTV.”

I have always watched UPN, Fox, Global or whatever. But now I have all of my favorite sitcoms or series such as the Big Bang Theory and Three Men on DVD. So I watch a lot of A&E and the History channel. Too bad I don’t have HBO or satellite. So here are a few popular cable TV channels.

TLC

I believe TLC stands for “Tender Loving Care?” Or does it mean “The Learning Channel?”

But as of lately this channel as nothing to do with learning. For instance; everybody knows about the stupid show Honey Boo Boo Child. I don’t know what you can learn from this show other than how shitty the life of redneck is and how creepy child beauty pageants are.

Some of their educational shows include Hoarders, Sara Palin’s Alaska, Kids by the Dozen, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, Extreme Cheapskates, Cash Cab and BBQ Pitmasters. “Wow, I learned so much. It’s better than reading a book or attending university.”

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant seems to stand out. Um, have you ever heard of a pregnancy test? In fact how can you be on the show if you don’t know if you don’t know you’re pregnant? I mean do you call the station and say I threw up, I might be pregnant. Or it might be the Taco Bell. And how many shows can you get from one knocked up slut? Two, Three?

The Shopping Channel

The Shopping Channel is for people too lazy to actually get off the couch and do some real shopping. However my mom watches it all of the time and finds items that you can’t buy in stores. Like all of my mom’s beauty products and shoes. Because women can never have enough shoes.

I love how they market the product. For example they might try to sell some hair shavers. “Here are some top of the line hair shavers that come with eight lengths for a low, low price.” “And we will give you another hair shaver with four more lengths for free!” “But wait! We will include wax for those unsightly mustaches.” “And if you call within twenty minutes, we will give you nose tweezers for free!” “So you get two hair shavers with twelve lengths, mustache wax and nose tweezers and free delivery!”

I mean what happens if all you want is a damn shaver without the mustache wax?

Much Music

Do you remember when Much Music or MTV actually played music videos? Every time when there is nothing else on television I want to watch some music videos. But every time there is some shitty vampire show or shitty reality show aimed at young teenage girls.

They might as well make a whole other channel for these stupid girls where they can watch as many videos of Justin Bieber as they desire. Dreaming that one day he’s going to whisk them off their feet and live in his mansion happily ever after.

I admit that I do enjoy watching Cribs. It reminds me of Life Styles of the Rich and Famous. Only not for old people. Too bad they show the same damn cribs all of the time. Many are white people I have never heard of like skiers or some fat comedian.

Then they have rappers. I’m trying not to be racist, but they’re idiots. They come from nothing and they release some hits about coming from nothing. They make a quick fortune and they have to spend it all right away as if the gravy train won’t stop. Choo-choo!

I saw one idiot with a huge fucking house and five cars. He even showed his bling bling. One was a giant J necklace made out of gold and diamonds. What the fuck is he going to do with this $70,000 necklace. I guarantee he will go broke in three years and get a maybe a tenth of what paid for that awesome necklace. And who knows what will happen to this sad soul.

Sure I can’t get enough of up beat songs like “Capital Cites: Safe and Sound.” But if I see another Miley Cyrus video like “Adore You” I’m going to smash my TV. She would be way hotter if she actually had a normal haircut instead of her dyke do.

So play some grunge rock, play some punk, play some metal, play some hip-hop, play some classic rock, play anything. Except for boy bands. And except country.

CNN

I don’t really read the newspaper. I normally get my news from Yahoo when I’m online searching for stuff. Or I read People when I’m waiting in the E.R. to get a kidney stone removed.

But if I want to hear more about the Toronto mayor admitting to smoking crack, pushing an old lady over or telling the press he has more than enough pussy to eat at home I’m going to watch CNN. And he plans to run for mayor again. Mmm, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

However I don’t give a shit about more Muslims and extremist blowing themselves up or protesting and shit. You know why? It happens every fucking day. And its never going to stop because they are all nuts. So I don’t need around the clock coverage of these crazy fucks.

It’s funny though, I remember watching CNN and the anchorman is in the middle of doing legitimate news when he was interrupted for breaking coverage of Brittney Spears being chased by the paparazzi. I swear to God. He was pissed off and said something like that’s not real news and that they can wait to the end of the news hour.

The Francis Channel

Because Canada is bilingual we have the French channel. Boourns. Only there are really no French shows. They are all English speaking shows with subtext or French audio. And our video games have two manuals for the frogs even though the game is only in English.

I remember when I watched the South Park movie they had it in French too. Only they didn’t even get close to sounding like the characters should sound like. The guy who did Cartman tried way too fucking hard to sound funny.

And I remember being totally baked at this party. They were listening to rap music while I was watching South Park with the mute on and it looked like every character was rapping. It was hilarious. Try it for yourself.

BET

The Black Entertainment is a channel is for black people. I think there should be other TV channels for other dominations. Like IEN; the Bollywood Channel. JET; Japanese Entertainment Channel. LET, the Latino Channel or WET the White Entertainment Channel. Hmm, wait scratch that last one.

I remember buying an Ecko hoody and a FUBU shirt. Only I didn’t realize that they are meant for black people and that FUBU stands for For You Buy You. I just liked the rhino. What bugs me is when people wear those white shirts meant for Shaq. Or they don’t bend their rim of their hat and leave the stupid sticker on.

Some of my favorite shows are of black families. The Cosby show is the iconic sitcom. Then he had that show kids say the damn funny things, even though it seemed pretty scripted. You never hear a kid utter swear words or call him a jigger. And then he promoted Jell-O. I don’t take the advice of a TV dad on desert that there is always room for.

I really liked Family Matters as a kid. And by kid, I mean teenager. But I already wrote a blog about Urkel. What I don’t get is didn’t anyone in the show notice that Judy magically disappeared? “Dad, didn’t I have I younger sister?” “I told you never to speak of that family matter!” And I didn’t know why Aunt Rachael had to leave and abandon her young child?

One of my all-time favorite shows is the Fresh Prince. I love all of the characters, but I love Carlton the most. Then there were shows I didn’t understand at the time. Like it’s a Different World. And now every black comedian has their own shitty show.

The Feminist Channel

Then there is the Women’s Network. I never really sat down and watch it because it sounds gay and boring. Kind of like how every female standup comic has to joke about women issues. Like periods or how men are idiots. Then they show women empowering movies like “a League of Their Own” the “Joy Lucky Club” or “Selma and Louise.”

Comedy Central

Finally the Comedy Central is my number one channel. They have all of my favorite shows like South Park, Workaholics, Tosh.O, Daily Show and the Colbert Report. Just to let you know. But sorry, I got to go, Mamma’s Family is on.

Winter Olympics

2014-02-13T00:20:00.002-08:00

So the Winter Olympics is well underway. Obviously the colder and wealthier nations will win more medals. That means Canada should kick some ass! This time the Olympics are held in Mother Russia. And because everyone is afraid of terrorist it’s going to cost them a bunch. I think any hosting nation will lose billions. But now they have all of these bobsled slides.

The opening ceremony was really cool. Again it must have cost millions. It’s kind of funny; you see like a hundred Americans wearing these expensive Nike uniforms. And then you have two athletes wearing track pants from a country I never heard of.

But I’m not the biggest Winter Olympics fan. I find the Summer Olympics way cooler to watch. They have more events and sports for a wider audience. As you know the Olympics began in Ancient Greece. They had events that made sense such as the fastest person. Too bad they had naked wrestling.

It reminds me of Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson. He won the gold in 100 meter dash and broke the record in the 87 Olympics. Then his urine tested positive for steroids and he lost his records. That’s why they should have the Steroid Olympics where you can use as much drugs you want. That way the winner of the sprint is the fasted guy on Earth; on dope.

What I don’t get is do they strip him of his medal and then give it to the second place winner? And then does he gives his silver to the next guy and then the forth guy gets the bronze? I wonder if the medals are actually gold, silver and bronze?

I find there are two kinds of events. There are the fun ones, such as curling and snow boarding. I love watching the half pipe where these guys execute sweet moves. I found snowboarders were disappointed not to place. But losing is not going to eat at them the rest of their life.

Then there are the figure skaters. Figure skating is a fan favorite. My mom loves watching them. I feel really bad for these athletes that lose. Do you know how much pressure is riding on them? They spent the best years of their lives training everyday and then they fall doing a quintuplet axel. Their dreams are crushed and now all the can do is skate in Disney on Ice as Jasmine or shoot themselves.

It reminds me of Tonya Harding. She became a huge whiner. For example she once delayed her performance, said her skate lace was untied and actually asked to do her jump over again. Then she hired some goon to hit her rival Nancy Kerrigan in the leg. And she still lost. What a bitch.

As for curling I bet they enjoy playing. And they don’t really care as much as a figure skater would if they lose. They don’t have to train really. Maybe they practice sweeping the floor with a swifter or play shuffle board.

It reminds me of a really awful Canadian movie “Men with Brooms” I don’t know why Leslie Nielsen is in it. Maybe his career was over and he needed some cash. I guess the funny parts are when they guy slips on ice and Nielsen is on shrooms. The second part of the movie became a shitty chick flick. It should have never been made.

I mean does winning the gold mean that much? I understand Russians and Chinese are pressured to win for glory for the Motherland. But what do you do with a gold medal anyway? Do you wear it around your neck everywhere you go? Or do you put it on the mantel above the fire place and show everyone the bronze medal you won the skeleton? “You see that, I’m the third fastest person on the skeleton.” “Whats the skeleton?”

I don’t know why there is bobsledding, luge and skeleton. It looks fucking dangerous. I remember years ago some guy lost control and wiped out and died. They even replay the video over and over again. That disgusts me. I don’t think man was meant to slide down a track as fast as he can. Besides going to the water park.

It reminds me of Cool Runnings where John Candy teaches some Jamaican runners to bobsled. But wait. Jamaicans bobsled? There isn’t ice in Jamaican. I haven’t seen it in years. I enjoyed it then, but now if I do watch it; I’m sure it’s stupid. I don’t even remember if they smoked any weed or what?

The biathlon is a funny event. I love how you combine shooting a rifle with skiing down a mountain? It sounds like a James Bond movie. You never see someone climb Mount Everest with an AK47. You might as well combine speed skating with mines or other events with weapons.

I was watching some speed skating where one woman slipped and took out two other skaters. I realize you can’t just redo the race but that’s not fair. It not their fault that someone wiped out and tripped them. How about the skaters that collided could do another race and then match their times?

The only event I will watch is the hockey, eh. It’s too bad that Stamkos was taken out; we could really use him. What I don’t get, is does every player get their own medal? And I wonder how much you can get it at black market.

Russia and the U.S. are going down. Go Canada!

Field of Dreams

2014-02-06T09:20:00.000-08:00

Field of Wet Dreams

Pre-Water World disaster Kevin Costner stars in the 1989 hit Field of Dreams. If you don’t already know, Kevin basically makes a baseball field in the middle of his corn field where these old dead baseball playas come to play.

First off, I hate baseball. I love pretty much every sport there is except baseball. I realize baseball is an American pastime but I’m Canadian and hockey is the best sport there is.

Baseball is so boring to play and watch. Unless you’re drunk. Nothing exciting ever happens. “Oh he hit the ball out of the park. Good for him.” “Oh he caught a ball going over fence. Awesome! Let’s see a replay of that shit.” I do love playing soccer baseball though.

So Kevin is going crazy and is hearing voices. The voices I hear are telling me to kill Tom Hanks. I don’t know why but whatever. He hears that “if you build it, he will come.” And then he sees an image of a baseball diamond and the baseball playa Shoeless Joe Jackson. But wait, he’s already dead.

I guess he’s some kind of ghost. By the way I don’t know why people believe in ghosts. I’m a 100% sure there is no such thing. I’m more certain of that then believing in God or that my coke zero actually has 50% less calories.

One of my very first blogs was about ghosts. To keep it short, you have to think scientifically. Pretty much everything is made of molecules. Are ghosts made of molecules too? And why do they always lurk in dark basements and what do they do all day? You’d think they will just come out of the closet. Like John Travolta.

So crazy fucker decides to build a baseball diamond in his corn crop. He even got flood lights so his imaginary friends can play in the dark. Those lights must use a shitload of energy. So I guess he’s a farmer. What I don’t understand, is he the only laborer on his farm? You’d think he’d hire more help or Mexicans.

I remember my first real job as a corn detasseling. First off we had to ride the bus like forty minutes both ways to our corn field. Without being paid. It was the worst fucking job ever. Going back and forth detasseling every last cob and getting slapped in the face by the tall corn stalks. And with hardly any breaks. I still made some real money but I quit after two weeks.

Anyway, all of the neighbors think he’s fucking nuts and that he can’t afford his field of dreams. Months go by and no “if you build it, he will come” That’s what she said. Finally Kevin’s daughter Karen sees Shoeless Joe Jackson. When I was a little child I saw OB1 but nobody believed me. Then Kevin and his woman also see Shoeless.

However Kevin is going bankrupt and his bro in law wants him to sell the farm and forget about this silly baseball obsession. It’s too bad Kevin could have let the neighbors use it instead of ghosts who don’t wear shoes.

Then Shoeless invites the rest of his team; the Chicago Black Socks. They play some mean baseball and when they’re done they disappear into the corn field. And they must go through a shitload of baseballs out there.

Kevin is hearing more voices. This time the voices tell him to “ease his pain.” And he has no fucking clue what that is suppose to mean. At the local school some parents are trying to ban a book by this older author Mann. Kevin’s bitch gets into an argument with some broad and is about to fight her. Meow. But if you see these two women it’s not as hot as it sounds.

I missed some parts because I was playing World of Warcraft at the same time but he finds out the author of the books, Mann; who became a bit of hermit. He always wanted to play baseball for the Brooklyn Dodgers or something. I don’t know.

So Kevin decides to seek out him in Los Angeles. By the way Mann is black; so I thought it was hilarious when Kevin is asking random people if they have seen a tall black man. But Kevin finds him. Mann gets pissed off when Kevin comes over so Kevin takes him hostage pretending his finger in his pocket is a gun.

Again Kevin hears the voices “to go the distance.” Hey that’s my motto. He finds out about this guy Graham that only played one major league game but never got up to bat. Too bad he’s dead. But Kevin finds his ghosts as an old man who tells him he had rather be a doctor than a playa.

So later Kevin picked him up as a young kid, who wants to play some hardball. With Graham as the 9^th playa they can finally play a real baseball game. And guess what, he hits a home run.

Meanwhile bro in law is pissed off with them pretending to see this makeup ball game. He gets into an argument and they knock Kevin’s daughter off the bleachers. Normally they would call a doctor or do something. But don’t worry Graham becomes a geezer again and pretty much just pats her on the back. Apparently she was chocking on a hotdog.

Then bro in law finally sees all of these ghost ball playas and tells Kevin not to sell the field of dreams. Mann is invited to go with these ghosts and write a novel about them.

And Kevin is reunited with his old man as a younger ball playa. I myself never put on a glove and play catch with my dad. For one thing I throw like a chick. So we kicked the old soccer ball around.

So Kevin’s dad asks if this is Heaven. Hmm. That’s a pretty shitty Heaven playing boring ass baseball for the rest of your afterlife. And the movie ends with all of these cars lined up to see Kevin throwing the ball to himself. I guess it would be kind of funny to guck at this crazy man.

My Top 50 Favorite Rap Songs

2014-02-01T18:03:00.001-08:00

50. Choclair Let’s Ride

49.       Black Rob                                            Like Whoa
48.       Beastie Boys                                       Fight for you Right to Party
47.       D12                                                     Fight Music

46. Alchemist ft. L.O.X. Fuego

45. Swollen Members Fuel Injected

44. The Streets Has It Come to This?

43. NWA Straight Out Of Compton

42. Classified Oh Canada

41. Puff Daddy, Mase Mo Money Mo Problems

40. Master P Hoody Hoo

39. M.O.P. Cold as Ice

38. Eminem Criminal

37. Puff Daddy Faith Evens I’ll Be Missing You

36. Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Kurupt Next Episode

35. Outkast Ms. Jackson

34. Chamillionaire Ridin’ Dirty

33. Eminem Drug Ballad.

32. Beastie Boys Intergalactic

31. Warren G ft. Nate Dogg Regulate

30. Eminem Hellbound

29. Nas ft. Puff Daddy Hate Me Now

28. Method Man Judgment Day

27. 2 Pac ft. Dr. Dre California Love

26. G Unit Narcotics

25. Run DMC It’s Tricky

24. Kyane West Power

23. Ruff Ryders Anthem

22. Wu Tang Clan Triumph

21. Choclair Rubbin

20. DJ Green Lantern 2 Gunz UP

19. Eminem, 50 Cent, and Cashis You Don’t Know

18. Notorious B.I.G Hypnotize

17. Coolio Gansta Paradise

16. M.O.P. Ante Up

15. The Street Blinded by the Lights

14. Tu Pac Changes

13. Jay Z It’s a Hard Knock Life

12. Pras, Mya, Old Dirty Bastard Ghetto Superstar

11. Kanye West Jesus Walks

10. Dayton Family Flint Town

9.         50 Cent                                                In Da Club
8.         Method Man & Redman                      Da Rockwilder
7.         Busta Rhymes                                      Fire It Up
6.         Lil Troy                                               Wanna Be a Baller
5.         NWA                                                   Fuck the Police

4. Eminem Lose Yourself

3. Notorious B.I.G. Juicy

2. Sugarhill Gang Rappers Delight

1. Vanilla Ice Ice Ice Baby

The Amish

2014-01-27T17:52:00.002-08:00

Something Amish

You have no idea how dependent we are on electricity. Especially for me. I could not go on without my video games, television or blender. I can’t even stand a power outage for a few hours. Every time it happens I keep forgetting I can’t turn on the lights. And we can’t find the flashlight without the flashlight. I guess it’s a catch 22.

Then there are outages that last for days. I’d go insane. First off you would lose all of your frozen food. Goodbye Klondike bars and McCain pizza pockets. You wouldn’t have any television or Nintendo. And I don’t read by candle light. Haha I guess you would have to entertain your family with stories or Jenga. Now imagine that power outage lasts forever!

That’s the life of an Amish. As you know the Amish are big losers that resist any kind of modern technology. They shun the use automobiles, phones and electricity. That means no cars. Maybe a beaver wagon. So they use a horse and or carriage.

How annoying would that be not to call a friend or my phone sex operator? If it wasn’t for Cindy I’d be lonely on those cold Saturday nights. You don’t have any damn cars so you would have to ride a horse to your friend’s place to see if they can play tag or look at Sears’ summer catalogs. “Man, look at her leg.”

Now I’m probably the only person in Canada that doesn’t have a cell phone. But I can still use a pay phone or just use someone else’s. I think I can spend fifty bucks a month on more important things. Like Big Macs. I can’t even text. Those small ass buttons are too small for me even though I have tiny hands. But big feet.

As you know the Amish are majorly religious. I guess they like to serve the Lord by living a simple life. And that means no high school for these kids. Great idea, do you want to raise a barn the rest of your life?

Speaking of kids, the Amish marry only other Amish. I think. That means there is a small gene pool and because of this they have a much higher rate of birth defects and stupid people. Even marrying third or fourth cousins sounds very disturbing.

I don’t know if they pay taxes or what? I mean do they just live off the land? I’m hoping they can still use the mail. I do like mennonite furniture and fresh produce. And what do they do in the winter?

You can spot Amish men from their long rugged unkempt beard. I guess Gillette mach four is too technological. I just hope the women shave. Otherwise that’s pretty disgusting. They have simple clothes with suspenders and stupid top hats. And the Amish ladies still wear those long plain dresses and those hat thingies they wear. Just like the pilgrims.

I’ve seen them at Wal-Mart but I don’t know how they travelled there. I hope they don’t hog the damn highway with their slow ass carriage. The kids looked like they were in Disney World. I have never seen such happy and excited kids. But its kid of sad that the their highlight of the year is being in Wal-Mart getting a Big Mac and looking at some great non-technological deals.

Our Lady Peace

2014-01-19T07:18:00.003-08:00

Our Lady Peace is an awesome Canadian alternative rock band. Here is my top ten favorite OLP songs.

20 Made of steel

19 Heavy Weight

18. Life

17. Superman’s Dead

16. Angels

15. Innocent

14. In Repair

13. 4am

12. Where Are You

11. Is Anybody Home

10. Thief

9. Somewhere Out There

8. Automatic Flowers

7. Hope

6. Clumsy

5. Superstellite

4. The Birdman

3. One Man Army

2. Naveed

1. Starseed

Fairy Tales: Part Three

2014-01-13T21:45:00.000-08:00

The Ant and Grasshopper

So there is a grasshopper and an ant. I don’t know if there are other bugs but it’s just a story. So the ant is busy preparing for winter. I guess this story doesn’t apply in warmer places like Hawaii where it has summertime weather all year round.

The grasshopper on the other hand is living it up for summer; partying and getting laid. But comes winter and the grasshopper is starving while the ant is chilling with some hot coco. I hope the ant feels sorry for the grasshopper and makes him his servant.

My problem is these are two extremes. On one hand you have to smell the roses and live for the moment and enjoy summer. But you have to balance and find time to prepare for the future.

It’s the same thing when people get a cash advance because they want to buy liquor even though they waste $20 each time they do it. Can’t they just stay sober and wait a week? Or do they have to get their booze right away?

The moral of the story is that ants are annoying fuckers when inside. And grasshoppers are loud and obnoxious outside.

The End.

The Pied Piper

I don’t know what a pied piper is? But whatever. So this town has a rat infestation and the mayor is looking for pest control. So this Pied Piper is called for the job and is paid to remove these varmints.

He uses his magical flute, I mean pipe, and the rats follow him in a trance into the lake where they drowned. But the mayor doesn’t owe up and pay up the full amount they agreed upon. Pied is piped and vows revenge.

Years later all of the adults attend church on St. Greg’s Day, or some other dumb festival. And the kids don’t have to go? I’m so jealous. I hated going to church and hearing about the prodigal son over and over again. Pipe lures all of the children with the same magical pipe and they are never seen again.

Come on, every adult is in church while the kids just play and roam outside without any adult supervision. And doesn’t he seem like a pedophile? If I had my own piper I would get all of the hottest chicks to follow me into a hotel. Put that in your piper and smoke it.

The moral of the story always get Billy the exterminator to do all of your pest control.

The End

Rapunzel

There is a couple who want babies. They wander around some sorceress’s garden and come upon some rapunzel plant. Being pregnant, she craves this plant. She just had to eat it. And she also craved those donuts with sprinkles, popcorn with loads of butter and cheese wiz on celery.

So her husband is caught in her garden stealing the plant and the sorceress had to kill him. I think she overreacted. He pleads for his life and the bitch decides to let him go as long as he gives up his first born child. What a dick. Baby comes along and sorceress wants it. She names her Rapunzel after the plant. Rapunzel grows into a total hotty with very long, long, long blond hair.

It’s funny; my boss at Little Caesars had hair down below her waist. No lying. She obviously dyed her hair blond and you could see her grey roots. But she hated when people asked about her hair.

She was cool though. Everybody assumed I smoke pot, so one day she says we should smoke some marijuana. At first I thought she was joking, so I asked if she was serious. Let’s just say we had a ball.

Being surrounded by pizza it was the best place to get the munchies. Then I got lost on one delivery though and it took me a good half hour to find the place. I still got a tip but I decided to take a breather and call it a night. South Park was on.

So the sorceress kept her on the top floor of a tower with only one window. Not being able to go to the barber she grew her hair right down to the ground. That must have taken a while to grow. And a lot of shampoo. She could definitely donate her to cancer patients. Or transvestites.

Now the sorceress could climb up her hair and feed her. Probably a happy meal. And once again some random prince overhears her singing. He loves her singing and assume she’s hot. So he decides to hit on her. One day while the sorceress is doing some errands and picking up milk, the prince climbs her hair up the tower. And hopes her scalp isn’t ripped off from her head.

He’s caught by the sorceress. And decides that if he can’t see her, he won’t see anything at all. So he jumps into some shit and blinds himself. And he does this all over some chick. That’s not love. That’s creepy. So he wanders around the place not knowing where the fuck he’s going and just so happens to hear Rapunzel again.

She now has twins. But the story doesn’t really mention who got her knocked up. Anyway the blind prince loves her singing and they are reunited. He says she should go on the Voice. They hug and her tear gives back his sight. He leads his Rapunzel and her bastard children into the castle and they lived happily ever after. She finally cuts her hair.

The moral of the story is that she also grew a lot hair on other parts of her body. The rug matched the drapes.

The End

Beauty and the Beast

I love smoking weed and watching Disney Movies. But I have never seen Beauty and or the Beast. It sounds like huge fucking chick flick for little girls. And I’m not going to rent or buy it without feeling ashamed.

Once I bought a chick flick for my mom and told the guy it was for her birthday. And he says we don’t judge here. It was Catch and Release. I heard good things. Anyway I decided to look up Wiki and read the summary.

But I still know some parts from the Disney movie. Like I know all of the cutlery and inanimate things can talk. I guess they keep the lonely beast company. Or he’s lost his fucking mind. Imagine he dropped Chip. That would be hilarious and his mom the pitcher would freak out. “Oh my beautiful little tea cup.” “I’m still alive. Please just kill me.”

Apparently there is a rich merchant (my last name) with three beautiful daughters. The two oldest ones are cunts but Belle is pure as snow. Fun fact Belle is beautiful in French.

The merchant loses his ships in some storm. Stuff happens. But alas one of his ships finally did make it. Thinking he’s rich again he asked his daughters what kind of gifts they would like. That’s nice. Naturally the two bitches want jewels, garments and treasures. And don’t forget the Faberge eggs.

And Belle just asks for a “rose, as none grow in their part of the country.” What a bitch. She could just asks for any rose. Or something nice, like a watch. Or he could lie and just pick any ordinary rose. She can’t tell.

Does she know how hard it would be to travel to other parts of the country searching for roses? And then coming back while they are still in bloom? What kind of scavenger hunt is this?

“Belle, I rode a damn horse a 100 miles to the west side of this stupid country and went looking for roses in people’s gardens like an idiot. All I could find was some dandelions.” “Oh dad, I would have accepted any gift. It’s the thought that counts.” “A 100 fucking miles you bitch. Do you know how far that is?” “Um a 100 miles.” “Bitch.”

So the merchant get’s lost in woods like he’s Link. You’d think he’d return the way he came or not go through any forests to begin with. He’s lost and it’s getting dark out, but he finds this palace. He decides to eat this food he found. It was from the beast. So merch actually finds a rose and picks it. Beastie is pissed over a single rose and decides to kill him for. I think he overacted.

Merch tells him it’s for his beautiful daughter. Beastly is enticed. They make a deal; for letting the merchant go; his daughter must stay with him. Belle agrees to go to live with this hideous creature. On the bright side he lavishes her with gifts and riches. And shoes! She even has a walk-in closet.

But each day the mutant keeps proposing to her and each time he gets shot down. Too bad the beast doesn’t know she’s only sixteen. Hey Beasts, I think you should just give up the whole marriage thing. It’s not going to happen. Go jerk off to nature shows about wildebeests. She wants a real prince. Editor’s note: I always thought wildebeests was spelled wilderbeasts.

Belle gets homesick and asks the freak to make a deal so she can visit her family for a week. Her sisters are jealous and I bet they’re not married. So they trick Belle to stay an extra day. Beast is heart broken, even for one single extra day. Whatever. Belle she’s seems him half dead or O.D. and says she loves him and a teardrop hits the monster and booya he transforms into a prince. Again with the tears.

Now a prince, he tells Belle that a long time ago a “fairy turned him into a hideous beast after he refused to let her in from the rain, and that only by finding true love, despite his ugliness, could the curse be broken.” Right. The get hitched and live happily ever after together.

The moral of the story is that girls are shallow and want to marry princes. And you should always let fairies inside when it’s raining or cold. Or for tea.

Then End.