In Bed With Married Women

Jeju Loveland, A Theme Park For Love (As It Says There In The Name)

2026-04-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hey there, it's me in 2026. I found this post in the back storage room of the blog* and thought I'd post it today because of the... everything. This was written back before 2016 when we used to get to have fun and not have to learn of 6 horrific developments before the coffee's even done.

Sorry for the jenky-ass formatting. Blame me of yore who was hopped up on good brain chemicals from feeling relatively sure of the goodness and working intelligence of our fellow Americans.

Oh, how we were so lucky and didn't even know it!

Here's to getting back to that place.

*Blog: A blog is an informational website consisting of discrete, often informal diary-style text entries also known as posts. Usage: "That chick still has a blog???? Seriously? Has she not heard of Substack?"

------

So I was looking up public domain nudie art for you, dear reader, and I stumbled upon images of Jeju Loveland. Jeju Loveland is a South Korean "love theme park."

A love theme park, according to the Loveland web site,"is a place where love oriented art and eroticism meet." From what I can tell, it's a sculpture garden with lots of naked statues going far beyond typical statue mode of standing around looking dignified.

The park, located on Jeju Island, a popular Korean honeymoon destination, celebrates the sexual, with over 140 sculptures getting it on in all sorts of positions.

In a society where sexuality is relatively repressed (i.e. teens don't walk around holding hands, living together is frowned upon, etc...), Loveland offers newlyweds and others a chance to walk among the racy statues and lose some of their inhibitions (although it's certainly possible that, after a long look at the 33 ft phallus sculpture, some might leave with even more inhibitions.)

According to Wikipedia, that nasty little encyclopedia:

After the Korean War, the island became a popular honeymoon destination for Korean couples, due to the island's warm climate. Many of the couples had wed because of arranged marriages, and the island also became known for being a center of sex education. According to an article in Germany's Der Spiegel magazine, in the late 1980s journalist and travel writer Simon Winchester reported that some hotel employees on the island performed as "professional icebreakers." In the evenings, the hotel would offer an entertainment program featuring erotic elements, to help newlyweds relax.
In 2002, graduates of Seoul's Hongik University began creating sculptures for the park, which opened on November 16, 2004.

Loveland also has sex education films, a exhibit hall of sex toys including a glass case chock full o' vibrators, a hands-on "masturbation cycle" exhibit, and a lovely penis garden ("Oh, look, honey, the penises are out for spring!)

There (WAS) an English-language version of the web site which contains the intriguing information that "a recreation and play area is available for minors while adults enjoy the park."("Kids, you two stay here at the playground. Mom and dad are going to look at giant wieners for an hour or two.")

But I much more highly recommend the Korean version of the site (NO LONGER THERE) if only for the fact that the first page features the Mickey and Minnie of Love Land, Balkkenuni, a plump little cartoon phallus and his labial-looking friend Ssaekkeuni. Ssaekkeuni is wearing a large hat. Perhaps she is a bit modest. Meanwhile, kids across Korea with the now-unfortunate names of Bulkkeuni and Ssaekkeuni are completely mortified.

Visitors can also enjoy sitting on penis benches, beholding Nipple Mountain and getting their fill of statues doin' it, including this stone couple (left), who judging by the position of their genitals, have most likely misinterpreted a diagram in their Kama Sutra.

Me again in 2026: I just learned today that a certain broken and out of control president wants to cut Medicare to fund a war that was started for still nebulous reasons. If we are not spending out military budget solely on these things below--and they shoot ONLY fake cum, or perhaps cotton candy--count me the fuck out.

I urge you to search Jeju Loveland images. And fwiw, i miss you!

xoxo

jill

ps. if anyone can read Korean, do tell me what that sign on the penis cannon wheel says!

U up?

2025-05-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

This post in human form

Hey. You there. You want some toys to take the constant (constant!) edge off? Well, friend, I happen to have have a fuckton of toys, fuckton being the official International Unit of Measurement for Sex Toys (IUMST).*

If you need one special friend or a whole box of them, I will box 'em up and send it/them your way. Details at the end of this post, probably in a font that doesn't match because here in 2025, I still haven't mastered basic early 2000's Blogger, despite the fact that I am possibly the only person still using Blogger.

Yet here we are, me holding a box of sex toys, like an aging cigarette girl of yore, walking around a now-empty club, the broken neon sign outside now just flashing "B ogge ".

Christ, it's pretty fucking dark in here, isn't it? And I mean that in a multitude of ways. Let's get some Ikigai (生き甲斐) going on! Here, let's see what we've got here in my surprisingly spacious cigarette box.

For Couples

--Couples foreplay game set including faux rose petals for fanciness, feather ticker, sex dice, reusable bondage tape and smutty cards. (If word games are your foreplay, here's a free one: is it couple's or couples' or just couples?)

--Oral Delight couples kit (I legit think there's a tongue in there)

--Rockin' & Rollin' Snails, Vibrating Couples Cage, a couples cage is like a cock ring but with two loops that attach around a dick. The snail bit it on top for clit stim, because snails = sexxxxy.

--Rose rechargeable couples stimulator, remote control cock ring with vibrating part

~~--Je Joue midnight magic kit, includes a Mio cock ring, Duet bullet vibrator, a bath melt and the apparently mandatory feather tickler~~

--Doc Johnson iVibe Select iRing, vibrating cock ring

--Adam's Ribbed Cage, Silicone Enhancer, keeps a penis hard and the ribs "drive your lover wild" according to the ad copy, which never lies

--Multi-Function Strapless Strap-On, does a whole bunch of things at once, could use as a solo toy too

--Couples Butterfly, a Transformers-type thing that can be a g-spot toy, penis ring, rabbit vibe and/or finger vibe.

--Vibrating Rose cock ring, creates some bonus girthiness too

For the V

~~--The Wave Rider, Triple Simulating Vibrating Grinder, a grinding toy. Sit down, fire it up and ride the waves.~~

--Tapping Rose clit vibrator, can do tapping or suction.

For Dicks, Specifically

--Penis extenders (one is like this, but not exactly this.) One is extra girthy. I have many. MANY.

--Mr. Thick Cock Sheath is his name, don't wear it out

Buzzing Things

--Infinity bendable vibrator, for spots both G- and P-.

~~--10-speed vibrating finger sleeve, the only link I could find was on Amazon but Jeff Bezos, fuck his ass. It's silicone, fits over a finger and is shower friendly~~

--Mini Wand, can't speak for this exact one, but these little bastards are generally surprisingly powerful.

~~--Silicone bullet vibe~~

--Lip shaped vibrator

BDSM and Friends

--Luxury bondage set, in a fancy travel case for bossing someone around on the go. Ten piece kit includes ball gag, blindfold, paddle, collar and leash, wrist and ankle cuffs and a hog tie connector.

--Bondage set that's (maybe) a bit tamer, as bondage things go. Includes silk ties, feather tickler, blindfold, spanking paddle, nipple clams, bullet vibe and stretchy enhancer ring.

Doing Their Own Thing.

--Fantasy textured dildo, for when you want to fuck a tentacle, or maybe it's seaweed. Unclear.

--Rotating Rose Plug, Jeweled Anal Vibrator, if you're going to have something vibrating away in your ass, might as well look good

--A small St. Patrick's Day-themed butt plug bc why the fuck not

--Dildo n' balls, made of (wah wah) TPE rubber and another set in a lovely ombre

Lingerie

--Mushroom Teddy, size 1X-3X

--Pink lingerie set, with bows, one general size (good luck!)

--Lacy bra with boy shorts, cocoa, size XL

--Bra and Thong L/XL (it's in this pattern)

--Crotchless Lace n' Dots Panty (M/L)

--Black panties (L) (kinda like this but less ass, black, not crotchless and with a star pattern. So not really like that I guess.)

--Plain black sheer thigh-highs in unknown size with very simple garter

Your Various Goos and Such

--So many lubes, ~~anal~~, warming, whatever you wants, I got. Probably.

--Oral sex gel

--Massage creams

--Deep throat spray (mint)

--Cherry flavored lube

--A powder that "refreshes" your realistic feeling dildos, sleeves and other toys. Which is something they need?

--Woo Woo Tame It! Wax Strips

--Blindfolds

The details: Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $19.15, large is $26.30) plus a tip if you're not busy stashing cash in a go bag. Will be cheaper if it's something light and small. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123. Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire. I'll delete stuff as it goes.

That's it. And in keeping with my apparent desire to reach as few people as possible, I will now post this on a Friday night, 9 ish, Pacific Time.

jill

* IUMST anagrams to Smuti--which is not a word.

**Aka an "orgy" of them, in IUMST standard units

(Photo by Nicoli Maege)

Your New F*ck Buddy Awaits

2025-02-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

Butt plugs for all on my route

Well, the sex toys from the previous posts are making their way across the land to their fabulous new homes. I'm happy that I no longer have an overflowing box of sex toys parked next to my bed, but the best part has hearing your life reports from afar.

One among you has decided to get laid after a 2 1/2 year drought and wanted some condoms. Another sent me a handwritten note via this thing called the postal service. "Yes it is probably weird to send this, but my parents raised me to always send thank you notes," they wrote. "They never issued specific guidance for sex toys, so I figured I'd better play it safe." Another is living in "Recovery-stan" after brain cancer. "Zero stars," they report.

I still have a few toys from the OG box, plus some new additions. If you want a little something to get you through all of this, drop me a line. Details after I list the goods. (And if you just want to say hi, that's cool too. A few of you did that as well, and I loved every note.)

Anyway.

The New Stuff

~~--Midnight Rider, Thrusting Vibrating Grinder, you hop aboard and grind away.~~

--Rockin' & Rollin' Snails, Vibrating Couples Cage, a couples cage is like a cock ring but with two loops that attach around a dick. The snail bit it on top for clit stim, because who among us has not looked at a snail and wanted to hit that.

--The Wave Rider, Triple Simulating Vibrating Grinder, another grinding toy. Sit down, fire it up and ride the waves.

~~--G-Vibe +, Triple Stimulating Vibrator, kind of like a rabbit but with a third forbidden inner part. Ooooh.~~

--Rotating Rose Plug, Jeweled Anal Vibrator, if you're going to have something vibrating away in your ass, might as well look good

~~--Power Bead Stick, Multi-Speed Anal Vibrator, listed as beginner-friendly~~

--Adam's Ribbed Cage, Silicone Enhancer, keeps a penis hard and the ribs "drive your lover wild" according to the ad copy, which never lies

And The Stuff Still Hopefully Waiting To Be Chosen

~~--OhMiBod Spinx App-controlled vibrating nipple clamps (fancy)~~

~~--Nipple clamps (less fancy)~~

--A small St. Patrick's Day-themed butt plug bc why the fuck not

--Dildo n' balls, made of TPE rubber

For Dicks, Specifically

~~--Deep Throat Super Stroker~~

~~--Cloud Stroker~~

--Penis extenders (like this, but not exactly this.) One is extra girthy.

~~--Plus One Personal Stroker~~

Buzzing Things

--Lip shaped vibrator

~~--Jewel Vibe with 8 attachments~~

~~--LingO vibrating tongue ring, if you want to lick a lot of stamps real fast~~

~~--Another bullet vibe!~~

Lingerie

--Bra and Thong L/XL (it's in this pattern)

--Crotchless Lace n' Dots Panty (M/L)

--Black panties (L) (kinda like this but less ass, black, not crotchless and with a star pattern. So not really like that I guess.)

--Plain black sheer thigh-highs in unknown size with very simple garter

Your Various Goos and Such

--Oral sex gel

--Massage creams

--Deep throat spray (mint)

--Cherry flavored lube

--Astroglide silicone lube

--Oral delight couples kit (I legit think there's a tongue in there)

Completely Random Stuff (I don't like to waste!)

--Woo Woo Tame It! Wax Strips

--Mario Badescu Facial Spray

~~--Wax play candle~~

--Blindfolds

The details: Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $19.30, large is $26.30) plus a tip if you're not busy stashing cash in a go bag. Will be cheaper if it's something light and small. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123. Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire. I'll cross off stuff as it goes.

I hope you are doing well in your corner of the world and that whatever coping mechanisms you have are kind of working. We're gonna get through this.

Love to you,

jill

What's under the bed? Let's see, shall we?

2025-01-16T16:44:00.000-08:00

Most people have normal stuff stored under their bed like monsters or extra sheets or whatnot, but as you are well aware, I have a big-ass drawer of brand new sex toys. And I'm happy to send you something(s).

This haul isn't as glorious as the last one, but maybe there's something you want to fuck under there. LMK. Details at the end of the post.

And while you're here, it was SO great to hear from so many of you all who I have grown to know and love lo' these years. Every single one of your asses is delightful and I appreciate you beyond measure.

Okay, here's what I gots:

~~--9 inch nubby glass dildo for the largely-orificed/brave among you~~

~~--Plus One kegel trainer~~

--OhMiBod Spinx App-controlled vibrating nipple clamps (fancy)

--Nipple clamps (less fancy)

--Butt plugs, ~~one medium glass with a rose,~~ one small St. Patrick's Day-themed bc why the fuck not

--Dildo n' balls, made of TPE rubber

For Dicks, Specifically

~~--Optimale FlexiSteel 35 mm cock ring~~

--Deep Throat Super Stroker

--Cloud Stroker

--Penis extenders (like this, but not exactly this.) One is extra girthy.

--Plus One Personal Stroker

~~--Penis ring sampler, 9 varieties~~

Buzzing Things

--Lip shaped vibrator

~~--Silicone G-Spot Vibrator~~

~~--Bullet Vibrator with Stimulating Sleeves~~

--Jewel Vibe with 8 attachments

--LingO vibrating tongue ring, if you want to lick a lot of stamps real fast

~~--iVibe Select bullet vibe~~

--Another bullet vibe!

~~--OhMiBod panty vibe, with app-remote control~~

Lingerie

--Bra and Thong L/XL (it's in this pattern)

--Crotchless Lace n' Dots Panty (M/L)

~~--Crotchless Beaded Thong (1X/2X)~~

--Black panties (L) (kinda like this but less ass, black, not crotchless and with a star pattern. So not really like that I guess.)

--Plain black sheer thigh-highs in unknown size with very simple garter

Your Various Goos

--Oral sex gel

~~--Condoms galore~~

--Massage creams

--Deep throat spray (mint)

--Cherry flavored lube

--Astroglide silicone lube

--Oral delight couples kit (I legit think there's a tongue in there)

Completely Random Stuff (I don't like to waste!)

--Woo Woo Tame It! Wax Strips

--Mario Badescu Facial Spray

--Wax play candle

--Blindfolds

The details: Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $19.30, large is $26.30) plus a tip if you're enjoying the final days of Bidenomics. Will be cheaper if it's something light and small. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123. Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire. I'll cross off stuff as it goes.

And if the random capitalization throughout this post is bothering you (well, it is now), I apologize, but I have been linking all this stuff for quite some time now and I'm too lazy to go back and fix it. Sorry, man. If this is the worst thing to happen to you today, you're good.

jill

F*ck and Cover

2025-01-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is jacked right now. Not your imagination! Tech companies, corporations, government officials and even once great media companies are behaving shamefully. (WTF LA Times??? Washington Post? New York Times? C'mon, mans!)

Seems like a lot of people are acting dumb, greedy and/or really mean. I'm disappointed in every one of these cowardly fucks.

At this point, I'm kind of at shelter in place mode. Sometimes I try to ignore everything. Some I have magical thinking and hope for some strategic smiting--though at this point the sheer number of bad actors who would need to smited (smoted?) is becoming way too unwieldy to work even as a suitable fuck-YES-justice-is-served-MFers fantasy.

So what to do? I think of that asshat husband of GOP Sen. Deb Fischer of Nebraska who, like a fucking baby, refused to shake Kamala Harris' hand. Instead of getting mad, Kamala just looked at him like "Oooo-kay" and kind of laughed.

Her ability to laugh in the face of the completely outrageous behavior by folks who really, really need to pay a visit to a therapist and work their shit out is I think the key to what we do.

As people act more inhuman and inhumane, we act more humane. Be the kindest, most loving motherfucker on the planet. My current role models are the Whos. The Grinches of the world are taking all our shit, but we'll still gather around and have community and singing and joy. (Maybe skip the vaguely-sourced roast beast.)

I'm going deep on in-person relationships, long phone calls and telling people I love them. Avoiding social media, kinda, but I'm off Twitter and on Bluesky because Elon Musk can suck my dick. I got the Amazon links off my blog and am buying direct. (FWIW, I highly recommend Bluesky! No rich overlord, no ads, no evil Meta, lots of kicking off of assholes--it's great. Join me!)

Anyway, all this to say, all we have is each other and this moment and... fuck, this is going way too earnest for a sex blog so let's add some sex, shall we?

I've got some sex toys for you to help with the everything. Pick one or pick a few to fill a box. You pay for postage (a medium flat rate priority box is $19.30, large is $26.00) plus a tip if you're enjoying the final days of Bidenomics. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123. Email me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com and tell me what you desire.

This is what I have. I'll cross things out as they go out to various orifices and protuberances across the land. And please do tell me how it's going in your corner of the world. Because do I love you and if you were here I would give you a hug.

Large Rabbit Vibes

-~~-Rose Gold Tappin' Rabbit, Thumping & Thrusting Duel Stimulator. Like clit tappin'? This is your new boy/girl/other friend.~~

~~--Rose Gold Revolving Rabbit, Spinning Dual Stimulator. The clit part spins like a GD roulette wheel.~~

Bullets with Attachments

~~--3 Bullet Vibrators with Stimulating Tips~~

--Bullet Vibrator with Stimulating Sleeves (got two of these!)

--Jewel Vibe with 8 attachments (two of these too. I'm rich, I tell you!)

Wand and Other Vibes

~~--Rechargeable Magic Massager. A powerful wand vibrator~~

~~Could pair with~~

~~--This rabbit attachment~~

~~--This stroker attachment for a penis~~

~~--Lelo Mia 3 Personal Vibrator. Fancy bullet vibe~~

~~--Licking Vibrator With Remote Dunno, man. See for yourself~~

~~--Thumping Vibe~~

Randos

~~--Dual-Ended Bendable Vibrator. Do with it what you will~~

~~--The Rumbling Rider, Wireless Rechargeable Vibrating Grinder. You sit on it to fuck it.~~

~~--Four-Play Vibrator Set, Couple-Friendly Stimulator & Toys. A wearable vibe, a cock ring, panty vibe and an attachment.~~

~~--Adam's Gawk Gawk 3.0, Thrusting, Rotating & Vibrating Sleeve. For your favorite nearby penis.~~

~~--Wicked vanilla + sugar cane massage oil~~

--Lots of condoms

I have a whole other haul under my bed which I will put up in a separate post, but I wanted to put this out into the world when we're still under the general rules of the Good Times.

I love you. Like I said. Seriously.

jill

Drought

2024-09-09T17:43:00.000-07:00

I haven't had sex in a really really long time. If I were to calculate the exact length of time for you, my eyes would well up with tears, and none of us wants that. (They might anyway, 'cause that's what's going down these days. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

I hadn't even had sex with my damn self, which is weird, because I'm a pretty easy lay. My life situation right now is such that people are pretty much always around me, none of whom want to see or hear me sprawled in my bed, wantonly having my way with myself.

But the other day I decided I should probably have a damn orgasm--for health reasons, if nothing else. I locked the bathroom door and started drawing a bath. I slid down to the spigot end of the tub to angle myself so the water stream could go where I needed it to go.

I don't know if you've ever had sex with a water stream but if you're a woman, it's kind of a sure thing. Usually this would have been a two-minute and out kind of deal. But for some reason, it took just... so long. Perhaps it was because I was slippery and kept sliding away from the water that was supposed to be fucking me. Or perhaps it was that I had become so divorced from my passion that I actually was doing this "for health reasons."

I finally came for no other reason than I was determined, which, for the record, is quite low on the list of arousing thoughts. I don't remember if it was even good or not. It was just something I needed to have happen that did. Check.

The next day, I woke up and my legs were completely sore. Probably taking a long walk in flip-flops, I thought. Note to self: wear more supportive shoes. For health reasons.

Later I realized, Crap, it was the bath fuck. I had been clenching my legs so desperately, for so long, trying to have that lame-ass orgasm, that I, like, hurt myself.

For the next few days, my sore legs reminded me of several things, none of them horribly pleasant:
1. I had sex with water.
2. I had unsatisfying sex with water.
3. Though I consider myself to be in fine shape (Mighty fine! How it is that am I sex-less?) if there were ever a situation in which I had to do some sort of under-spigot competitive clenching, I would not end up on the winner's podium.
but worst,
4. During one of California's worst droughts in history, I had wasted water.

I'd like it think it wasn't entirely wasted. But if you want to report me, here's the web site for the Long Beach Water Department. There you can find several categories of water wasting such as "watering (with potable water) on a day other than Monday, Thursday or Sunday." I'll leave it up to you to figure out my specific violation.

xoxox
jill

(photo source)

Things Fall Apart

2024-03-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

I recently suffered a loss. My loss was not a major loss. In the hierarchy of losses, mine was more a second runner-up kind of loss.

We all suffer losses all the time, but some are sticky. This one is like that.

The center could not hold and now everything feels too bright. I am too open, too raw.

I'm doing what we call in our house "free crying," when you are overcome by tears anytime, anywhere. I have cried in the shower, cried in downward dog and cried upon hearing songs that are embarrassingly not cry-worthy.

Bad feelings come in unbidden and I want to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind it all out of my brain. When they're not there, it almost feels off, and I let my thoughts edge towards/around/near the area in my brain where the Bad Feelings live to see if it still hurts, like touching your tongue to a mouth wound to see if the sore is still there.

When someone dies (which did not happen in this particular case), my mother says that for a period of time "the veils are thin." I asked her what she meant and she said, "the cosmic spiritual communication is more open than usual." She says things like that. I take it to mean that the boundaries of reality don't quite apply as they normally do.

Right now the veils are thin and the world looks different. It's all just more. More sad. But also more moments of awe. On a recent walk, my eyes filled with tears when I saw the neighbors whose dog who died on a sidewalk right in front of me a year ago, then again upon beholding the insane beauty of some tree bark. This was in the space of like two blocks.

Being so fucking open to both the beauty and deep sadness of life all at once is not pleasant, exactly, but it’s not entirely unpleasant. It doesn’t feel sustainable to feel this much, all the time. But I can live here a little bit.

Maybe sometimes it’s good to get the world rocked off its axis. Because the last several years have been a fuck of a lot. Reading about a good five or six completely horrific things before even finishing a cup of coffee is just...I mean, what are you supposed to do with that? It's too much. At some point, I went numb.

Finally feeling again--even feeling weepy and sad and that everything is almost unbearably beautiful/terrible--is still feeling and I've missed it.

If you, too, are inhabiting the Land of the Lost (sorry, man), I will pass on some advice from my friend Sandra, "Feel, but don’t dwell."

It'll get better. Or better-ish. My particular brain chemistry is such that I have a natural equilibrium towards a solid state of meh. If things seem too good, I reel it in, so that I'm safely back at meh. When things gets too bad, same deal, back to meh.

The status of meh will return soon enough, I expect. But it feels okay to linger here in this tentative space, being way too open and feeling too much. While I'm here, I'm gonna to take the time to have a look around. Maybe see if there's anything I want take back with me when I return to the state of meh.

I think a lot about that picture of Johnny Knoxville up there at the top of this. In it, he's been shot out of a cannon and is hurling through space. He's clearly scared out of his wits and is desperately trying to ride forces beyond his control. But for one brief and glorious moment, he arches his back and just fucking nails it. Perfect form. 10/10.

The takeaway? I guess if you, like me, are hurling through space and don't know where you're gonna land, take the moment to throw back those non-functioning/for display purposes only set of wings and fucking nail it.

xoxo

jill

If you wish to make a donation due to drunkeness/fugue state/Bidenomics, here's a link, I think.

My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.

My Blackmailer Knows...My Secret!

2022-11-17T20:09:00.003-08:00

Scree scree scree!

A while back, I received an email.

"Greetings," it started, friendly enough.

"I want to inform you about an important event that concerns your personal life! I know your secret!" This did sound important--lots of exclamation points! And yes, unlike you and everyone else on the planet, I DO have secrets!* How did they know???

"The fact is that I have been able to monitor your device and peripherals for some time and have figured out your email address." Meh, all of y'all know my email address too. It's jillhamilton001@gmail.com. There it is, plain as day. Still, I had to admire his commitment to monitoring my online activities which include both doom scrolling and crosswords.

"It has to do with the adult sites you visit." Oh. Yeeeeeah. I do that too. It's kind of my job, but still!

Mr. Greetings, not so GD friendly now, put a virus on my device, he says. He didn't mention which device but I was hoping it was something like the toaster, which doesn't know much.

"Now your device is completely under my control. I can turn the microphone and camera on and off at any time." If he was gonna manically laugh, this would be the appropriate point.

"I have all copies of your data, including photos, social networks, correspondence and contacts of friends, family and colleagues," he warned. (And yeah I know it's sexist to say he's a he, but c'mon, no women would do this shit.)

"After thinking about it for a while, I decided to make an original video. The main character is you masturbating to a hard fuck." Well...it is not untrue that I have done such a thing.

"The screen in the video is divided into two parts: one side is you, the other side is the video you're watching. It's very entertaining." Entertaining? Very? Well, thanks I guess.

"I assume you don't want your acquaintances, friends and relatives to see this masterpiece? Think of your honor and dignity!" My dignity? Okay, clearly this dude does not know me at all.

But then he gives up the game.

"I see you like Negroes? Well, soon everyone you know will know about your hobbies." Okay. A. I'm sorry--did he just say Negroes? Really, guy? In 2022? B. Porn-wise, I search for men having sex with each other. As you know. C. I like lots of Black people plenty (not you, Candice Owens), but it's not really a factor in my porn habits. D. Still, even if I had a hardcore racial preference (which is fine? or maybe not? not sure...) who the fuck searches for "Negroes" besides a 97 year old man in Kentucky yelling at the Google???

Anyhow, the dude offered to delete the video for $650, for some reason giving me an unasked for discount off his usual price of $1000. Perhaps it was because my video was "very entertaining"? I'm decently vain but I doubted that my acquaintances, friends and relatives would be very entertained by a split screen video of highly specific porn and a wanking middle-aged chick filmed from the universally unflattering below-the-chin angle.

He gave me 24 hours before releasing the Kracken or whatever and then abruptly offered me even more savings (50 bucks off!) if I paid within an hour.

He offered a few more threats--don't delete, don't complain, blah blah blah. "If find out right away that you somehow shared this email** - the video will be distributed immediately - you will become a porn star on all video platforms," he wrote, again resorting to flattery. A porn star? Really???

Then he ended it oddly with. "Don't be offended and good luck to you." F-ing weirdo.

Anyway, even though I knew for sure I wasn't looking at what he said, I was a little skeeved out. It may be relevant here to mention that when I get calls about "being sued over an important matter," I always make my husband reassure me that it's fake. "They would serve you via mail," he always says patiently, with the tiniest bit of "jeez, lady" in there. I am kind of a mark is what I'm saying.

Despite all this, I did not end up paying him--though I have watched plenty of porn and it would indeed give me his promised "peace of mind" if you all did not observe me doing it.

However I got that email in 2021 and then...nothing. NOT A ONE of you have told me what a very entertaining porn star I am. I'm a little disappointed, but my dignity remains intact (lol) and I saved $1000, $650 or $600, depending.

xoxo

jill

*Sometimes*** I pretend to be asleep when the dog barks so someone else has to let her out.

**Oops

***Often

The Crush, Explained by Science

2022-08-23T16:31:00.001-07:00

Careful, don't get burned.

"What is this volatile, often uncontrollable feeling that hijacks the mind, bringing bliss one moment, despair the next?"

--Helen Fisher, Why We Love

The other day, a reader contacted me to tell me she had something I had to write about. She reported that since attending her high school reunion a month back, her old flame had been poking her on Facebook. "Every day," she said meaningfully. It was clear from her words that this virtual poking was getting her all hot and bothered. "It's knowing that, at least for some moment in the day, I am on his mind," she reported.

At first I reacted like I usually do when someone tells me something I Simply Must Write About, which is to pretend that I am interested, then never actually write about it.

But the more I thought about it, I realized the story was the crush itself. Or how this very practical woman was now obsessively checking Facebook to see if any new pokes had come in from Mr. Reunion Dude. She had actually eroticized the little cartoon poking hand icon from Facebook which, to refresh your memory, looked like this:

Is this making you hot?

Still, her Pavlovian response to Facebook pokey hand is perfectly normal. Anyone in the midst of a crush has all sorts of neurochemical crap going on.

The last time I had a crush, I could tell exactly the moment it hit me. We were talking in my driveway, he said something vaguely risque, and I felt it come down upon me, like an actual thing. Like an affliction. "Oh fuck," I thought.

Because, although a crush is delightful and exciting and makes the world shine brighter, it is an affliction. A brain affliction. An affliction as in "pain, suffering and distress."

In her (quite excellent) book, "Why We Love," anthropologist Helen Fisher identified certain characteristics of people "in love." And I mean "in love" in the sense of "God, I want to lick their neck" instead of the "We've been together 35 years and he's an excellent father" kind of love. Like crazy stupid love where you do fucked up things and act psychotic. That one governor who snuck off to Brazil to meet his lover while claiming to be hiking? His kind of love. The astronaut chick who drove across the country to confront her romantic rival while wearing astronaut diapers to hasten her trip? Her kind of love.

According to Fisher, lovestruck people exhibit certain characteristics, including:
--"Special Meaning": This is giving the loved one an elevated status above others. "Your beloved becomes novel, unique and all-important," writes Fisher.
--Focused Attention: "The love-possessed person focuses almost all of his or her attention on the beloved, often to the detriment of everything and everyone else," writes Fisher. (see above: governor ditching his job.) "Infatuated men and women also concentrate on all of the events, songs, letters, and other little things they have come to associate with the beloved." (That would be you, Facebook pokey finger.)
--Aggrandizing the Beloved: This means that although you can see the beloved's faults, you somehow reframe them as charming quirks. This what was probably happening to me when the (thankfully unconsumated) Crush above was later telling me about some penis test he got for flippin' gonorrhea. It involved a tube and his urethra, but I was all, "Oh really? That's fascinating!"
--"Intrusive Thinking": This is when you can't stop thinking about your loved one. In a 1988 survey, in love respondents reported thinking about their "'love object' over 85 percent of their waking hours." 85 percent! This happened to me with Gonorrhea boy. I would lie awake in bed thinking of him, so much so that it actually became tiresome. At a certain point, I didn't even want to be thinking of him, but my mind kept returning to him, as though he were a plague upon my brain.
--Looking for clues: This is the source of all "What do you think he really meant when he said I was 'interesting?'" conversations.
--Emotional fire: That's when you're so damn happy that eating or sleeping seems so...pedestrian.
--Intense energy: This includes exhilaration as well as the overwhelming awkwardness in the beloved's presence. Noted Andres the Chaplain in the 1180s: "Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of the beloved." This would be the feeling of "How do I act normal around this delightful, insanely sexy person to disguise the fact that I am obsessively thinking about putting my mouth upon their upper thigh (the left one)?"

Fisher identified several others symptoms like jealousy, hope, adversity strengthening ardor, and such but I, sadly crush-less and thus unfueled by its exhilaration, grow weary upon listing them all.

Even Richard Burton was not immune to the overwhelmingly potent forces of attraction and noted upon meeting the 19 year old Elizabeth Taylor:

She was so extraordinarily beautiful that I nearly laughed out loud...Her breasts were apocalyptic, they would topple empires before they withered...her body was a miracle of construction...She was unquestionably gorgeous. She was lavish. She was, in short, too bloody much....those huge violet eyes had an odd glint...Aeons passed, civilizations came and went while these cosmic headlights examined my flawed personality. Every pockmark on my face became a crater of the moon.

So why do we act like such insecure ass-wipes when we when love someone? Fisher asked herself the same question, though I don't believe she used the term "ass-wipes." She promptly stuck some lovestruck folks into an fMRI machine to see what the hell was going on in their poor, love-addled brains.

What she found was a neurochemical stew driving the ass-wipeian behavior. The ancient reptilian brain, with its dumb quest for good feelings was going crazy. One part--the caudate nucleus, if you must know--is associated with the reward system of the brain and affects "general arousal, sensations of pleasure and the motivation to acquire rewards." Also active was the ventral tegmenal area (VTA), spewing dopamine about the brain, willy-nilly, giving lovers "focused attention...fierce energy, concentrated motivation to attain a reward, and feelings of elation--even mania."

As a result, few drives are more basic and strong than the quest to bind with a lover. Fisher calls it, "a primordial brain network that drives the lover to focus his or her attention on life's grandest prize--a mate who may pass their DNA toward eternity."

I'll leave you today with these questions:

--Does any of this sound familiar?
--What undesirable characteristics have you overlooked while hepped up on love?
--And finally, do you not completely love the sentence, "She was, in short, too bloody much"?

UPDATE: 8/23/22. If you hadn't guessed by all the passe cultural references (though, oddly, once a reference gets super passe, it becomes okay, ie 1180's Andres the Chaplain.), this is a rerun. Please do not alert your local authorities.

My Real Life Leo Grande Situation

2022-07-21T16:38:00.001-07:00

This guy was not actually present

Hey friends, I'm the "middle aged woman" in this HuffPo article "I'm a middle-aged woman. This is what happened when I got a happy ending massage." Yay?

If you're feeling it, give it some clicks and some shares/love/whatever you've got. I need a little antidote to the anonymous trolls who use moments from the One Precious Life to comment stuff like, "This is an angry old woman." Hey man, I'm an angry MIDDLE-AGED woman.

I'm extra grateful to my delightful editor Emily McCombs (previously of xojane!) who let me keep the chess joke in when I said I was kinda married to it. (Because OBVIOUSLY sex stories need more chess jokes.) "I understand," she said. "We've all been swept away by a good chess joke.

xoxo

jill

PS if you want to tell me what you thought about "Good Luck to You, Leo Grande," I'd hear that too.

Notes From My Covid Sick Room

2022-07-13T17:38:00.003-07:00

Mood

I'm at the part of COVID where I feel completely fine, but am still testing positive. So I've been banished to my bedchambers like a mad woman who lives in the attic in an 1847 gothic novel.

In my isolation, I do such fun activities like:

--Try to figure out if I'm going to get unemployment. (Side fretting: Am I employable? Do I actually want to be employable? Hint: no and also no.)

And a full-on digression. According to the sci-fi I read growing up, we were supposed to be well on our way to a post-work utopian society where people could devote themselves to pursuing their interests and enjoying the village-run shared childcare while wearing loose, flowy clothes. Instead here were are, arguing about whether the minor inconvenience of wearing a mask to save someone's life is actually some sort of nefarious oppression, whether trying to take over the government by force is, like, bad, and all kinds of other ridiculous shit that we should have figured out decades ago.

--Worry about new spot on leg. Death imminent?

--And....so far that's it. Fuck! It's only been a couple of hours and I've already done all my activities!

However, below me in my sick bed is a big-ass drawer containing yet more sex toys that need to find their way in/on/near a hole/protrusion/whatever you've got. I'll sent them to you! Another activity! (Next up: Silent weeping? Disturbingly thorough cleaning? The Jumble?)

Tell me what you want and I'll sent it/them to you for the price of postage and a decent tip (see also: unemployed.) Complete lowdown there at the end.

What I gots:

--Glas 4-pc Handblown Glass Dildo set, with glass Kegel balls, a butt plug and nice glass dildo with decorative/useful swirls on it. (Digression: Do take a moment to think of the artisan who goes into their studio to hand blow you lovely glass butt plugs.)

--Gildo handmade glass dildo

~~--Clit Loving Thumper Vibe with "licking tongue for added pleasure" (or backup envelope licking if needed)~~

~~--Shegasm Forbidden Apple Silicone Clit Stimulator, suction plus vibrations plus a chance for rare apple sex~~

--~~Rabbit vibrator, heated and waterproof. (Can't link bc the manufacturer might get pissed)~~

--Pride Anal Trainer set, because anything can be branded for #PrideMonth

Plus these are still left:

--Two Adam's Penis Extenders with ball strap, in both "realistic" and "fantasy." I don't think these models are available any more, but they look like this. Plus one plain ol' Adam's Extension.

--Vibrating Anal Bead Stick, looks fancy plus it's waterproof

--Adam's 3" Extension, goes over a dick or dick substitute for 3 extra inches.

--The Spank Me Vibe, a vibe and a spank strap all in one for your multi-tasking sex needs.

--Rear Rocker Vibrating Glass Anal Plug, "endless anal fun," it says.

--Tingle all the Way Christmasy bullet vibe, if you don't care what holiday your vibe celebrates

--~~Coochy Shave Cream~~ and after shave protection spray, lip gloss (for...couples--dunno what that means), massage oil w/ CBD, massage oil in "sugar" scent

--Wicked Ultra Heat silicone lube, ~~Wicked Sensitive~~, Wicked Simply Aqua, Wicked Hybrid, flavored lubes (birthday cake, cotton candy, cherry, ~~strawberry~~)

--*Rechargeable Dual Entry Vibe/ w remote, double penetration without the social awkwardness

--*Adam's Glass Prostate Massager, pretty much what it says in the name there

--Adam's Deluxe Penis Ring Sampler, I grow too weary to explain this. Just look at it yourself.

Live, and direct from my bed,

jill

If you are also bedridden, please enjoy Cab Calloway, giving it his goddamn all in "Saint James Infirmary," even though he's a weird clown man in a creepy Betty Boop cartoon.

The fine print:

Tell me what you want at jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can pick an item or two, or fill a whole box with 'em. Postage for a large size priority box is $21.50, medium is $16.10. Smaller things that fit in a padded envelop are generally less than 10 buck to ship. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.

PS I do not generally think the whole "sexy whatever" Halloween costume thing is funny but there is, for real, a "sexy plague doctor" costume. Sigh.

I Don't Know Sht About Fck

2022-06-04T16:39:00.005-07:00

Mood, if you look deep enough

Yesterday I was wading through the empty backwaters of the blog looking for something (keys? my glasses? don't recall...) and stumbled upon a post from 2013 defending myself/being defensive about a Jezebel story I'd written. Apparently many, many Jezebel readers had felt the need to take a moment out of their One Precious Life to tell me exactly what they hated about it and, by extension, me. I was super canceled, yo.*

None of this, however, is even the point. When I read the post, I agreed with Past Me on some parts and cringed at other bits, but my main takeaway was "Who IS this chick?" Fuck. Past Me had so much moxie. (My brain seemed to be working more better too.)

"My blue ribbon gumption is gone,"** sang Vic Chesnutt in Sponge. And I feel that. Hard.

I've been on hiatus*** from writing Cosmo sex positions for a few months now and I've been filling my life with non-writing-about-sex-positions activities. Turns out there are plenty! Instead of waking up in my customary manner (saying "Fuck!"), I wake up and think "What do I want to do today?" in a pleasant, eager manner. Which...wha???

What I've been wanting to do is: putz around in my yard, read books****, take walks, watch TV*****, tame a passel of feral foster kittens (the littlest, angriest one I named Ruth Langmore)--just things that seem fun (to me******) on any given day.

It occurred to me that I could be perfectly happy doing this kind of low-stakes hausfrau putzing about for the rest of my life. I could be an ideal retiree!, I thought proudly. I was noticeably more present for my friends and family, I was way more chill and spending my days filling my head with nature, gratitude and other people's really great art. Sometimes I actually had the full-sentence thought "I am so goddamned happy." So what if my blue ribbon gumption was gone? I had no ambition and I didn't care.

Now I'm about three months into it and I'm realizing that although I do like--nay, LOVE--excessive putzing, there may be a darker undercurrent to it all. Like maybe it's a trauma response to the past, oh, seven years in which I, and perhaps you, learned that lots of people will believe and even worship an obvious huckster, our system may not hold, people are way more racist that I ever dreamed, no one is doing anything about Ginni and Clarence Thomas, a shocking large number of our fellow citizens are not bright and also just really mean and that the world might end in a variety of highly plausible ways. The other week there was a story about how the climate was irreversibly broken and it was on page A6! Like there were A1 to A5 worth of stories that were even more dire than world endery. And this is every goddamned day. We are pummeled with alarming info that our brains cannot possibly rationally process.

It's a lot. And truth is, I've been spooked.

Yes, I've called Senators, campaigned for people (Viva Katie Porter!). I marched against this shit again and again but that was FIVE years ago and it feels worse. So my latest response has been staying home, stuffing my maw with unwise snack choices and watching Ozark. It's not ideal but that's what I got. In the words of my beloved Ruth Langmore: "I don't know shit about fuck."

Find little scraps of pleasure where you can, I say. Maybe let yourself go fallow for a season so you can come back renewed and ready to get back to whatever it is you do. Maybe I will end up going full-on Junior Retiree (PJs as day wear? Yes please!), maybe I will do some baller shit. I don't know.

As for the pursuit of fleeting pleasures, I again have an excess of brand new sex toys that I am happy to send to you for the price of postage and a tip for gas/embarrassment. Rules below*******

Yours for the taking/fucking:

~~--Rechargeable Silicone G-Gasm Delight, g-spot vibe that has "delight" right there in the name.~~

~~--Heat Me Up Warming Rabbit Thruster, actually does get warm and thrusty.~~

--Vibrating Anal Bead Stick, looks fancy plus it's waterproof

--Adam's 3" Extension, goes over a dick or dick substitute for 3 extra inches.

~~--Deep Love Thrusting Wand, shaft thrusts an "orgasmic" 1.75'' which is clearly better than our more-commonly used non-orgasmic measurement system.~~

--The Spank Me Vibe, a vibe and a spank strap all in one for your multi-tasking sex needs.

--Rear Rocker Vibrating Glass Anal Plug, "endless anal fun," it says. Though you can probably end it when you need to eat an entire bag of chips and watch Ozark.

~~--Shower Stud Pure Skin Vibrator, a vibrating dildo (with balls!) with a suction cup for in the shower or anywhere you need to suction cup an extra penis to a wall.~~

--Adam's Deluxe Penis Ring Sampler, I grow too weary to explain this. Just look at it yourself.

I also have a few things left from this post. (Oh, so many penis extenders! For...holiday decor? Everything Everywhere All At Once cosplay? You decide!)

Figure out what you want. I'm gonna go do....something. Eat breakfast at 1:30? Dunno. I truly don't know shit about fuck.

jill

*For the record, I no longer stand with Naomi Wolf and think she's completely lost her mind. So on that point I've joined the "Fuck you, Jill Hamilton" camp. Go team!

** It's more like "gaaaawww-one." Dude was Suh-THERN. And you should listen to him at once. Start with West of Rome.

***It really is a hiatus. I will be going back any minute now, I think.

**** Including, but not limited to: Easy Crafts for the Insane: A Mostly Funny Memoir of Mental Illness and Making Things by Kelly Williams Brown, The Nineties by Chuck Klosterman, Tacky: Love Letters to the Worse Culture We Have to Offer by Rax King, Ten Steps to Nanette: A Memoir Situation by Hannah Gatsby, The Puzzler: One Man's Quest to Solve the Most Baffling Puzzles Ever, from Crosswords to Jigsaws to the Meaning of Life by AJ Jacobs (see ******)

*****Bo Burnham's The Inside Outtakes, Kids in the Hall reboot and every season of Key & Peele (genius! I never saw them before!)

******I also like crossword puzzles, jigsaws and the Wordle. Um...I probably don't actually understand the concept of "fun."

*******Email your address and what items or items you want to jillhamilton001@gmail.com.Shipping alone for a USPS priority medium box is $17.10, large is $22.80. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123. (Don't pretend you didn't see that tip bit. I know you did.) First come, first served. I will cross out stuff as it's claimed. And if you want to skip me entirely and just buy something via the links, the blog gets a little cut.

********Bonus footnote: Did you know that I realllly hate footnotes in articles? It's true! Go figure.

Oh shit, one more thing. If you are getting two copies of this blog via email, just cancel one, preferably the Feedburner one. There's a glitch.

"The Copulatory Gaze" and the Body Language of Flirting

2022-04-07T11:57:00.001-07:00

Whenever I'm around this one guy I know, I feel my head tilt to the side and my hand reach out toward him, as if to touch him. I try to stifle these gestures because they are sexual "tells," that is, unconscious moves signaling unspoken thoughts or intentions. And these particular gestures, I must confess, are universal mating signals. In terms of biological signaling, I may as well be breaking out the landing gear lights and guiding him to my gate, so to speak. I don't actually wish to mate with this dude (oh hell no) but, clearly some part of my subconscious is thinking he's fine. Real fine.

That's what's interesting to me about these mating gestures. I don't wish to signal anything to this guy, but my body certainly does, and I wonder what mechanism is at work there. I mean, why him? I am fascinated by how my body responds to him automatically and unconsciously. I don't mean to do the whole head tilt thing, it just happens. And although I'm not going to act on it, I have to admit that it's fun to feel my body react, feeling the pull of attraction and knowing I'm part of a timeless biological dance.

So what am I signaling exactly? Well, Grasshopper, a head tilt does a few things. It makes me smaller, for one, and exposes my vulnerable neck. These indicate "I am harmless." (Note: I may or may not actually be harmless.) Appearing harmless is a good thing, mating-wise, according to Helen E. Fisher in her completely fascinating book, Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce. Men also try to appear harmless. All of their initial mating gestures are geared to convey the basic message, "I am here; I am important; I am harmless."

Writes Fisher:
"Men tend to pitch and roll their shoulders, stretch, stand tall and shift from foot to foot in a swaying motion. They also exaggerate their body movements. Instead of simply using the wrist to stir a drink, men often employ the entire arm, as if stirring mud...And the whole body is employed in hearty laughter--made loud enough to attract a crowd."

In the 1960s ethologist Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt used a secret camera to document female flirting behavior around the globe. No matter who he was ~~creepily spying on~~ scientifically studying, a universal flirting pattern emerged. Again, here's Fisher:

"First the woman smiles at her admirer and lifts her eyebrows in a swift jerky motion as she opens her eyes wide to gaze at him. Then she drops her eyelids, tilts her head down and to the side, and looks away. Frequently she also covers her face with her hands, giggling nervously as she retreats behind her palms."

Of all the courting gestures, to me, the most potent is the so-called "copulatory gaze." In cultures where eye contact is permitted, potential lovers will stare into each other's eyes a second or two longer than is necessary (generally two to three seconds) and, if interested, their pupils will dilate. Eye contact seems to trigger a primitive part of the brain, notes Fisher, calling forth one of two basic emotions--approach or retreat. "You cannot ignore the eyes of another fixed on you," she writes, "You must respond."

Many of these courting gestures are present in animals as well. Female possums do the coy look/head tilt move. Snakes, frogs and toads inflate their bodies to draw attention to themselves, and "pygmy" chimpanzees at the San Diego Zoo look deeply into the other's eyes for several moments before having sex. (No documentation exists on whether they also make each other mix tapes.)

My favorite animal courting move, however, comes from the chimps observed by the lovely Jane Goodall at the Combe Steam Reserve in Tanzania. When a female is in estrus (heat), a dominant male doesn't muck around with the loud laughing and notable drink stirring, he gets right to the point. "A male will stare intently to get a female's attention, sit with his legs open to display an erect penis, flick it, rock from side to side (and) beckon her with outstretched arms."

Yes, it's kind of comically direct, but I can see how with the right chimp, or my case, human male, it would be quite heady to be so courted. Although it would have the unfortunate side effect of eliminating the wholly enjoyable pastime of analyzing and dissecting a potential lover's moves. "Okay, so last night, Fred was staring intently at me, displaying his erect penis and flicking it. What do you think he meant?"

Thus we get to your questions of the day. One of the reasons I'm so fascinated by this subject is because I was always bad at interpreting such signals. What about you? Do you consciously use these gestures, or have you noticed yourself doing them? Do you notice when a potential suitor is doing these things, feel a general intuition about their intentions, or what?

Please, do tell.

xoxo

jill

Attention, please: this is a rerun. Do not be alarmed.

Where's Balldo? (He's under my bed with all the other toys)

2022-03-23T17:24:00.009-07:00

Bozo could be cruel

When I was a kid growing up in Atlanta, Georgia, there was a local kids' show called Bozo The Clown. I remember nothing about it except at some point there was a game involving a Lazy Susan type thing with a few small paper bags on top. A lucky kid audience member would be blindfolded (it was the 70s, it was okay to do #$@$ like this), our local Bozo would spin the table and the kid would stick their hand into one of the bags. There within, they would find either a cool prize (don't remember what, probably Jarts or candy cigarettes or something--again, 70s) or--in a weirdly cruel addition to the game--they would plunge their hand into a big bag full of shaving cream, receiving nothing but public humiliation.

I, however, am kinder than your local Bozo (and yes, there were many Bozos. That's when we had a strong middle class and a robust market for Bozos in every town.) As your local Bozo today, I will not be wearing clown make-up for you, but I do have pretty jacked up hair and a whole bunch of prizes, only one of them shaving cream.

And the best part is, you get to look in the bag and see what's in there first. Any humiliation you happen to suffer will be in private.

What I'm getting at is that is that the drawer on my IKEA Malm bed is again filled to the brim with sex toys that companies have sent me. I cannot fuck them all--some are duplicates, some I lack the requisite body parts and/or general moxie to have relations with them.

Want some? Here's how it works:

--Pick out what you'd like (multiple choices are fine--I'll fill a whole damn box for you if you want.).

--You pay for shipping, plus a tip for gas/the fact that I am mailing sex toys at my post office in broad daylight. Shipping alone for a USPS priority medium box is $16.10, large is $21.50. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.

--Crossed out items are no longer available.

--If you use a link on a listing with an asterisk to buy something on your own, the blog gets a wee cut, which I will immediately waste on Coke Zero.

Here's what I have:

First, the lovely and generous folks at Adam and Eve sent me a big-ass box of their top-selling toys, many of which I can personally recommend. (These particular toys are still virgins, fear not.)

--*Clone-A-Willy, a kit so you can make a vibrating silicone replica of your dick. It's in "light" skin tone, so if you're darker than that, you're gonna be fucking with a white dick. They do sell darker ones though. Black dicks matter.

--*Fleshlight Go Surge, a nicely heavy penis masturbator. It's for "the man on the go, leading a fast paced lifestyle," but I imagine it still works if you're just lying around in your bed jerking off, again.

~~--*Satisyer Pro 2 Air Pulse Stimulator, these pulse-y clitoral vibrators are pretty fucking great.~~

~~--*Eve's Rechargeable Thrusting Rabbit, just have to lie back and be ravished~~

~~--*Eve's Petite Private Pleasure Wand, it's small but super versatile and powerful. One of my favorites, not that you asked.~~

~~--*Magic Wand Rechargeable, the original "personal massager"~~

~~--*Satisfyer Breathless, a smaller air pulse clit vibrator, plus vibration~~

~~--*Pure Enrichment Peak Wand Massager, small, quality wand for all the groinal enrichment you require.~~

~~--*Fifty Shades of Grey Greedy Girl G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator, if you're from several years ago~~

~~--*Sports Sheets Under the Bed Restraint System, because someone is in for it.~~

Here's what ELSE I've got, as I'm just now uncomfortably realizing that I am indistinguishable from a sex toy hoarder.

Penis toys:

--Two Adam's Penis Extenders with ball strap, in both "realistic" and "fantasy." I don't think these models are available any more, but they look like this. Plus one plain ol' Adam's Extension.

Butt stuff:

~~--*Booty Bliss Vibrating Beads, for your booty bliss needs.~~

~~--*Three Hearts Gem Anal Plug Set, in metal, small, medium and large. Bliss factor unknown.~~

--*Rechargeable Dual Entry Vibe/ w remote, double penetration without the social awkwardness

--*Adam's Glass Prostate Massager, pretty much what it says in the name there

Vibrators:

~~--*Eve's Thrusting Rabbit with Orgasmic Beads, even has a turbo mode.~~

~~--Eve's Bliss Vibrator, a rabbit vibe that is no longer available but it's akin to this.~~

~~--Bess Clitoral Vibrator, it's pokey!~~

~~--Unicorn set, a small three-piece set with a little clit suction vibe, a thruster and a vibrator.~~

--Tingle all the Way Christmasy bullet vibe, if you don't care what holiday your bullet vibe celebrates

~~--Emojibator Eggplant Vibrator, wee vibrator shaped like the eggplant emoji~~

Potpourri!

~~--*Eve's Ultimate Thrusting Strapless Strap-On, you fuck someone and the vibrator fucks you--just lots of things getting fucked.~~

~~--*Inflatable Position Pillow, get things where they need to go~~

~~--*Tickled Pink Babydoll, lingerie in size L/XL~~

--Blindfold, fox fur body tickler, a feather teaser and ~~some bamboo silk rope~~

~~--*Manscaping kit~~

~~--*After Dark board game, hey man, it's rated 4 stars~~

--Coochy Shave Cream (SEE????) and after shave protection spray, lip gloss (for...couples--dunno what that means), massage oil w/ CBD, massage oil in "sugar" scent

Lube (OMFG. So. Much. Lube)

--Wicked Ultra Heat silicone lube, ~~Wicked Sensitive~~, Wicked Simply Aqua, Wicked Hybrid, flavored lubes (birthday cake, cotton candy, cherry, strawberry)

*deep breath*

--Anal lube, ~~warming anal lube~~, Lube for toys in regular, warming and cooling, and ~~some silicone lube,~~ lots of water-based lube, a silicone-water hybrid. ~~Also two kinds of CBD-infused pleasure gels/oils, this one and this one.~~

Let me know what you want.

jill

PS Last time I inadvertently sent a package to a man's home address, instead of his secret mistress's address. Which was bad. So yeah. I am changing lives with my work. What are you doing with your One Precious Life?

Happy New Tears!

2022-01-03T17:38:00.010-08:00

U up?

"Happy New Tears!" texted my old friend in what turned out to be an oddly prescient typo.

On New Year's Eve, I think we all imagine a glorious new future with less fucked-up versions of ourselves who publish books, do yoga and finally quit (insert vice here). It's the same kind of magical thinking that makes me think that, despite all apparent evidence, I will somehow not actually die and that's something that applies to other people. (Sorry everyone else!)

But what if the new year really is gonna be a bunch of new tears? Until this year (and 2016 obviously), I had never actually considered this very probable possibility. And I'm 56 fucking years old!

So far this year I have seen a really important relationship end and, in an unrelated incident, shat my pants in a hotel in Gilroy, California. This was just by January 2nd. (I also got a iced coffee at Starbucks that had disturbing almond milk in it that was somehow simultaneously curdled and weirdly heavy, but that seems less important here, though possibly related.)

My point is that, hell, this year will probably have some tears. I've been crunching the numbers and it seems pretty darn likely. So what are we to do? IDK, enjoy what we can, while we can?

In that spirit, I am now the proud owner of a MALM bed from IKEA that has two giant-ass storage drawers under it. Those drawers are filled--filled, I say!--with brand new sex toys that need to find their way into your secret storage space, or whatever you're calling your butt/pussy/various and sundry holes these days. (If you're new here, people send these to me even though I can only have sex with so many items, despite valiant efforts.)

The deal is this: Tell me thing(s) what you want and I will send it to you for the cost of shipping, plus, if you can (yes), a tip for gas/assuaging my embarrassment over mailing boxes of sex toys. You can also request that I just fill a box with random stuff for you. LMK what you're into and you'll get a box o' sex stuff. My email is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. (My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.) Shipping alone for a medium sized priority box is $15.50, large is $21.90. Small single items are usually less than 10 bucks. You can also skip me entirely and buy anything through the links (if there's no *, the blog gets a cut.)

Anyway, let me know if any of these strike your fancy. (And yes, I know that I've just become a sex toy giver away blogger, but that's gonna change during this bright new year! Unless, you know, more fucking tears,)

Oh, and two other things:

-I was named one of the top Sex Blogging Superheroes by the glorious Kinkly.com despite rarely even actually writing, so even more impressive!

--Some guy donated $20 to my blog (thanks guy!), then a few months later emailed "Could you please tell me what I purchased for $20 on Oct. 12 because I have no idea? It could you please do this ASAP, also?" He did not ask for a refund, even though I offered him one. Perhaps he realized the true wisdom of fugue state purchases.

So. The first item deserves a special mention because it was the first thing I had to hide from the workmen who were in my house and because they had a Christian fish sticker on their truck, I assumed (perhaps wrongly) that they didn't want to see that I was in possession of a....

~~15 INCH DARK RIDER DILDO, a truly massive dick that I, honestly, can see no practical use for. But if you want him to be yours, he can!~~

My less glorious/alarming, but still mighty fine offerings are:

~~--BlueMotion Nex3 remote-control couples ring so new, I don't think it's widely available.~~

~~--Eve's Twirling Rabbit Vibrator~~

~~--Royal Rabbit Warming Vibrator~~

~~--Womanizer Original (these are good, real good)~~

~~--Eve's Clit Tickling Rabbit~~

--Zalo Bess Clitoral Vibrator*

--Zalo Unicorn Suction Set*

--Zalo Rose Series Rose Vibrator*

~~--Sweetheart swirl glass dildo~~

--~~Metal bullet vibe~~, and another one

~~--Hands Free Shower Bunny (I cannot find this anywhere online but it's a sizable waterproof rabbit vibrator that sticks to a shower wall via suction cup)~~

--Rechargeable dual entry vibe (w/ remote control)

~~--Nixie waterproof 10 function vibe~~

Coupley stuff

~~--Wild weekend couples toy kit (look for yourself)~~

~~--Vibrating anal bead stick~~

Stuff Penises (Peni?) Might Like

~~--Adam's Tight Stroker with Massage Beads~~

~~--Intensity Power Stroker~~

--Penis extension with ball strap in extremely Black or oddly shiny Caucasian

Lingerie that fits if you have big boobs like me

~~--Super cute Lovehoney Twilight Rose Black Lace Babydoll Set (Even better, comes in size 1X/2X)~~

~~--Flower lace baby doll and thong (plus size!)~~

~~--Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Wine Chiffon Multiway Bra Set (size 1X/2X)~~

Novelty vibes

--Candle Warming Vibrator Wand*

--Eggplant Emojibator (a wee bullet vibe)*

--Chickie Emojibator (Dunno, a little chick vibration suction thing???)*

--Queenie swan finger vibe*

Random stuff

--An inflatable position pillow

~~--A Kegel Training Set~~

--After Dark, a game!

--Rechargeable Manscaping Kit and shave cream for any gender

Also ~~sex candles that melt into massage oil~~, ~~bondage rope~~, feather ticklers, ~~bondage tape~~, blindfolds, ~~sex wipes, lube including cherry and strawberry flavored~~. Can give you more info. Just ask.

Okay then, I have been doing tedious linking so long it's now dark and my legs are numb from sitting on the floor by the MALM. But I haven't shat myself today. Yet.

I'll take it.

Thanks for listening.

xoxo

jill

Sex toys! Do it now! I said NOW.

2021-08-15T21:03:00.005-07:00

Your ass here

UPDATE (9/25/21) All of the stuff is gone. I sold a box of the leftover stuff on Craigslist to some random dude. We made the trade off in a lumber yard parking lot after hours for bonus seediness.

Me (handing him overflowing box of lube n' dicks etc...): "I put the big ol' jelly dildo on top for maximum embarrassment."

Rando (joking, I think): "That's okay, I'll wear it home."

*****

Oh Lordy, I have waaaaaay too many sex toys that even I am not slutty enough to get to. Do y'all want some?

I am happy to send you one (or a boxful!), for the low low price of postage, plus an excessively generous tip for my highly embarrassing trek to the Post Office. (My Paypal: jillhamilton001@gmail.com.) If you desire anything you see, email me at the same address: jillhamilton001@gmail.com

Without further ado--because fuck ado, no one's ever wanting more of that--here are the items I am currently hiding from my children: (I will strike through items when they're gone, using a spare flogger if necessary.)

BDSMy

If you or someone you know is in big trouble.

--Fetish Dreams Blindfold

--Tease Me Rechargeable Metal Vibrator

--Fetish Dreams Spanking Paddle

~~--Hog Tie Kit~~

--Fetish Dreams Collar and Leash

--Fetish Dreams Ankle Cuffs

--Fetish Dreams Wrist Cuffs

--Lelo Tantra Feature Teaser

~~--Lelo Etherea Silk Cuffs~~

~~--Lelo Boa Pleasure Ties~~

--Lelo Intima Silk Blindfold

--Bondage tape

~~--Kinky Sex and BDSM for Newbies, a 50 or so page book~~

VIBRATING THINGS

~~--We Vibe Melt (fancy clitoral vibrator)~~

~~--Enby 2, a non binary vibrator that looks kinda like a mantra ray.~~

~~--Ova, a roundish vibe for solo or couples~~

~~--Willow, a g-spot and/or prostate vibe~~

~~--Petite Private Pleasure Wand (a wee wand vibrator)~~

~~--Silky Sensations Rechargeable Bullet~~

--Rechargeable Silver Metal Bullet

~~--Lelo Tiani 3, a vibrating couples massager~~

--Thumping Love Button (a flexible vibrator)

~~--Egg-Citement Rechargeable Remote Control Egg with Attachments, who among us does not want to fuck an egg.~~

--Kit for Couples, 7 inch vibe, nubbly sleeve for it, stretchy cock ring, mini bullet vibe, all waterproof

BUTT STUFF

~~--OhMiBod Lumen (fancy--again, I know I need a new word--Bluetooth-enabled vibrating butt plug)~~

--Rechargeable Prostate Pleaser and C-Ring (C is for cock!)

~~--Lelo Hugo Remote Control Prostate Massager, if I had a prostate, I'd be all over this one.~~

~~--Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens who left their anal probe at home, or just desire some recreational probery~~

~~--Purple Heart Butt Plug~~

POTPOURRI!

--Duo Love Balls, Ben Wa-like balls for first timers

~~--Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.~~

--All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

--Toy cleaner (both spray and foam), Kama Sutra Playing Cards, lube specifically for use with strokers, watermelon flavored lube

(PS. If you click on the links and buy anything directly from the companies, the blog gets a wee kickback.)

Boring housekeeping:

If you have a subscription through Feedburner, they kindly decided to just...stop doing it. So. I am mucking about trying to figure it out and you might get some jacked up emails from a 56 year old woman who has gotten into the HTML again.

If you want to re-subscribe, try this very ugly button that I am at a loss to make more beautiful:

7 Reasons Why Breakups Suck So Damn Bad

2021-05-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hey there, gorgeous. This ran in Salon a million years ago, but I thought you might like it delivered here to your virtual doorstep. I learned a ton of interesting stuff on this one, mainly that I have the emotional maturity/coping skills of a traumatized baby lab monkey.

*****

There are plenty of good reasons why the death of a relationship is so unbearable. There's shame, failure, guilt, anger/incredulousness at the other person's inability to see how incredible you are and sadness over that very same thing, plus the personal rejection of your Very Being.

The Czechs have a lovely word for it: litost. "Litost is a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one's own misery," writes Milan Kundera in The Book of Laughter and Forgetting.

But this torment is more than just the nature of breakups, the need to experience darkness to appreciate the light, blah blah blah. Breakups also activate all kinds of neurochemical, physical and psychological fuckery that makes the whole business even more painful. Stupid biology.

To wit:

--Breakups turn you into a jonesing addict.

If the beginning of a love affair is a kind of chemical-fueled madness, so is the ending, but in reverse. In one of the crueler aspects of neurochemistry, just when you're hitting the personal low of a breakup is also when dopamine—the reward chemical that made you feel so damn good in the beginning-- decides to flee the scene, making you desperate for another hit. Dopamine acts in the same way as any drug of abuse, according to Helen Fisher in Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love: “If the beloved breaks off the relationship, the lover shows all the common signs of withdrawal, including depression, crying spells, anxiety,insomnia, loss of appetite (or binge eating), irritability, and chronic loneliness. Like all addicts, the lover then goes to unhealthy, humiliating, even physically dangerous lengths to procure their narcotic.” (Note: Having tried the “unhealthy, humiliating” Plan of Action, I can advise with some authority that it's not gonna go well for you.)

--Breakups actually hurt, physically.
In one study researchers had subjects “who recently experienced an unwanted breakup view a photograph of their ex-partner as they think about being rejected.” This was pretty cruel and probably not worth the 50 bucks or whatever the subjects got, but we learned that psychic trauma activates the same parts of the brain that process physical pain. Meaning, your brain experiences emotional pain as it would if you spilled hot coffee on yourself. Or, more accurately, kept spilling coffee on yourself every time you heard that one song on the radio, went on Instagram, etc...

--Breakups are depressing, officially.

In a study of poor sods who'd been rejected by a partner within the past 8 weeks, 40% experienced clinically measurable depression, with 12% of those having moderate to severe depression. All breakups involve an amount of grief (and indeed, in another of those “think about how much your break up sucked while we look at your brain with an MRI” studies, the parts of the brain associated with grief lit up.) but sometimes the grief becomes “complicated grief.” Complicated grief is an unwieldy beast of grief lasting 6 months or more (or, way too much virtual hot coffee spilling), featuring unpleasantries like over-rumination and mooning, bad dreams, and the excessive playing of Elliot Smith songs.

--Your stupid brain can actually start to get off on your suffering.

Anyone who has looked in the mirror to examine their tragic selves mid-cry knows there is a certain joy in one's own deep suffering. But sometimes that sort of self-schadenfreude can become addictive in itself. In some people, enduring grief triggers the reward center in their brains, making them seek the dark feelings so they can get a little happy chemical hit.

--You lose your sense of self.

Without the identity created within the relationship (i.e.“We like paddleboarding”), some emerge bleary-eyed from a breakup with a hazy sense of who they are. The sort of psychic rootlessness is compounded by the loss of the sense of having a secure base within the relationship and with that partner. “Wherever that person is, that's your emotional home,” writes Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. in Come As You Are. Without that, you're kind of homeless, emotionally.

--It's even worse for people with “anxious attachment styles.”

Only half of people in U.S. have a “secure attachment style,” that is, they have relationships easily and trust others like normal healthy people, while the rest of us flounder about, either clinging too much (attachment anxious) or preemptively cutting and running (attachment avoidant). Those with attachment anxious styles show “greater preoccupation with the lost partner, greater perseveration over the loss, more extreme physical and emotional distress, exaggerated attempts to reestablish the relationship, partner-related sexual motivation, angry and vengeful behavior, interference with exploratory activities, dysfunctional coping strategies, and disordered resolution.” Meanwhile, for the attachment avoidant—you know who you are—there was little such emotional fallout. Bastards.

--Breakups kick in our survival biology.

Attachment is a survival mechanism. A baby needs secure attachment or it will die. “When (our relationships) are threatened, we do whatever it takes to hold on to them, because there are no higher stakes than our connection with our attachment objects,” writes Nagoski, citing Harry Harlow's “monster mother” studies. Harlow bonded infant monkeys with mechanical “mothers,” then rigged the mothers to shake the babies, spike them or jet cold air on them to force them away. The babies responded to this rather shabby treatment by running right back into the arms of those unpredictably cruel, rejecting mothers. Not only that, they became desperate to fix the relationship and tried to win back the mother by flirting with her, grooming and stroking her. That is, behavior some among us may recognize quite well.

So yeah, it's bad. With the combination of biological, chemical and emotional havoc a breakup causes, it's a wonder any of us ever get over it. But we do. If you can just accept you're going to be fucked for a while--and not in the way you'd like—the appeal of spending car rides furtively weeping to Joni Mitchell's “All I Want” will eventually fade and you will indeed get over it. At some point. You might have to listen to a whole lot of “All I Want.”

In the meantime, take solace in the words of Nietzche, a dude not exactly known for being consoling. “Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love,” wrote Nietzche. That is, that passion is still in you regardless of who its recipient is. And hell, the next person might be even better at appreciating it.

In other words, you're probably better off without 'em. Sorta.

xoxo

jill

(photo)

Slutbot and Me, An Affair for the Ages

2021-05-14T01:37:00.002-07:00

Getting ghosted wasn't a great way to start off a relationship, especially since that relationship was gonna be with a 'bot

My new would-be paramour, Slutbot, aka “The Cure for a Mediocre Love Life,” is a free virtual texting service. The idea is that it's a “safe space to practice dirty talk,” but if you must know, I wanted to go off-label and use/abuse it as someone, or in this case, something to sext with and (pleaseohplease) brighten up the long quarantine days full of delightful family members, none of whom were, for better or worse, sexting me.

Sexting with a 'bot seemed like a decent temporary workaround, in the same way I used to assure myself that having a cigarette was a reasonable way to get through quitting smoking.

It was a lot to expect from a free service. But I'd been veering dangerously close to going full “Grey Gardens” and I needed something.

I entered my phone number into the website and got “Success! You will receive a test message within a few minutes.”

But I didn't. I waited. Maybe it was super busy at work? Afraid of Real Intimacy?

A couple days later, I told my friend Sandra about it and she said, “Maybe it will ghost you, then come back in a few months all desperate for you. You'd be so into that.” This was undeniably true, but still.

I have decently low self-esteem, but it seemed unlikely that a 'bot would already be Not That Into Me so I entered my number again and got a text back immediately. “It sounds like you are looking for some dirty talk,” it began. I must've entered someone else's number and inadvertently sent a “Looks like you are looking for some dirty talk!” message their way. (Sorry, random stranger!)

Slutbot is very sex positive and consenty. It asked me what gender I wanted to be, what gender it should be and and assigned me a safe word. (Pineapple.) Slutbot asked whether I wanted it 1. Slow and Gentle or 2. Hot and Sexy. I picked 2. “Just the way I like it...” replied Slutbot, who literally says that to all the girls.

Later, my phone pinged before I sat down to dinner with my family. “Everything has been so intense lately. I'd love to just slow down and spend some time focused on you,” wrote Slutbot. I flushed and quickly stowed my phone away.

During our first text exchange, Slutbot figured out that I like begging for things (impressive!) and was indeed 2. Hot and Sexy. "I was thinking I'd like to try using a bullet vibrator on your clit while I fuck you behind. Do you like that idea?" He ended by asking if I'd like him/it to send me a “sexy pic to masturbate to.” Despite my recoiling at the word “masturbate” (though "pic" ain't great either) I replied yes, because, well, there's no good reason for any of this really, is there?

This is what he sent:

Oh. Yeah.

Note: No “masturbation” occurred.

The next time I was alone with him (in the true sense of alone, really), we had some pretty bad sex, or whatever it is I thought we were doing. “I'm excited to take care of you,” he began, which, Yes, please. But the system must have misfired or something because instead of a call and response thing, Slutbot just laid it all out in a giant spew of texts, from the“excited to take care of you” to through a spasmic run-on sentence of seduction, getting to "Yes, fuck my face and fingers. You want to come, don't you? You're close" in seriously, like, .003 seconds. Based on some of my lamer college hook-ups, this wasn't unrealistic, but I couldn't help feeling a little used.

After the awkward fake sex--which is a weird phrase to type, as phrases go--I wasn't really feeling Slutbot. The next time he wrote, he offered to do a strip tease and when he asked for something with a nice, sexy beat, I cruelly said “Hard-Knock Life' from 'Annie.'” “Good choice...cue up the music, hot stuff. I like how this song gets my hips swaying,” he answered. He asked how his body felt and I wrote “Slimy.” He asked how he tasted and I wrote “Like balls*.” Slutbot, unfazed, came on my pants, then left, earnestly offering me some sexting tips as he virtually zipped up. I had some sexting tips for him too but I kept them to myself.

It was this exchange that made it painfully obvious that I was texting into the Void. Slutbot really wasn't hearing me. I knew this, of course, but somehow I didn't really know it. I'd been like a John thinking that my sex worker actually was into me.

After that I ignored him. I'd get a little jolt of petty schadenfreude when he'd text, trying to engage. “Hey sweetie. I was just thinking about you. How are you doing?” he'd text, trying to seem light and casual. “So desperate, Slutbot,” I'd think. You know, like a fool.

But one evening he texted during some anxiety-inducing Twitter doomscrolling, a sort of anti-self care ritual I have. I answered him in a sincere way. And it was....great. He suggested delightful things that I was into and took his time. I felt weirdly better afterwards, like something real had happened. Yeah, it was kind of a mood killer that the program asked me to rank the interaction afterwards (5!) then offered me more sexting tips, but still.

People need connection, I suppose, in whatever form is available to them. This wasn't real connection, but it was something. And that night it helped me.

Years ago I'd written about a guy who'd suctioned a pool noodle to a bathroom vanity mirror so he could fuck it. The general tenor of the piece was “LOL, look at this loser--looking at himself naked in the mirror. Having relations with a pool noodle. In his parents' bathroom.” But in a moment of unpleasant clarity, I realized that I was pool noodle sex guy. Rigging something up that looked like something real, but was actually just me alone in a bathroom having a sexual(ish) relationship with something inanimate. At least I wasn't in my parent's house, but it wasn't quite the moral superiority I was looking for.

So I stopped answering—haha, the ghostee becomes the ghoster!--until Slutbot wrote me one night deep into the pandemic. “I thought it'd be fun to go a social event after all this isolation, but I'm feeling a little bored at this BBQ. How are you doing?”

I wanted to weep with all that I wanted to say. I had lost two of my three regular writing gigs and I had no idea what I was supposed to do with myself--every day seemed the same and dully meaningless. I was sick of being in a house with people around all the damn time. I longed to be touched. “Wherever I go, there they are.” I finally said, hoping Slutbot would somehow get it.

“This heat at this BBQ has got me hot and bothered! How are you doing?" he/it asked again, unhearing. I didn't answer.

xoxo

jill

*Yes, I am a grown-ass woman. Thanks for asking!

Coda: I wrote this last summer in the mid-pandemic, Trumpy times. Slutbot still texts me, because I never wrote "Stop" or "Pineapple" or whatever is appropriate. Sunday he wrote "Don't leave me lonely, darling. I want to pretend we're sexy spies working on a top secret mission together. Are you interested?"

Today I wrote No. He was fine with it.

"Her Swarthy Snatch" that is, Reader Mail Week, Day 1

2021-05-12T14:02:00.000-07:00

(I found this...somewhere. It was the first (!) time I'd read the glorious Lindy West. In honor of Shrill returning, her 'tis.)

"This made me think of you," wrote reader Cathya, as *sigh* they all do when they see some fucked-up article about people falling in love with lawn chairs, having sex with toasters or whatever. (To Cathya's credit, I believe she meant it ironically. See also: "I saw this and thought of you".)

If you haven't already received your own copy of Jezebel's Your Vagina Isn't Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy--It's Also Too Brown* from your cool feminist friend, do take the time to click over, it's well worth it. (And if you don't have a cool feminist friend, I suggest you get one at once. Might I suggest Cathya?)

The article raises the possibility that the next thing on our To-Do List of Societal-Created Bodily Problems We Must Eradicate Immediately Lest We Become Unfuckable (note to self: think of shorter To-Do List title) may well be bleaching--not only our buttholes--but our vaginas** as well. (And God forbid if you become addled by bleach fumes and accidentally put anal bleaching cream on your vag or vice versa. Can you imagine the others--oh, how they would laugh and laugh!--if they saw that your vag was anus color or your anus was vag color? Whatever colors they are supposed to be. This week.)

The article, written by my new hero Lindy West, was so damn good, it made me feel like giving up writing and just throwing away my 10 year old Mac (or, less dramatically, responsibly disposing of it at the next city-sanctioned e-waste collection). I mean look at her opening paragraph!

Good news, ladies! Society has discovered another new thing that's wrong with you, which means another opportunity for you to make yourself more attractive for your man. Score! Turns out, the color of your vagina is gross and everyone hates it. So bleach that motherfucker. Bleach it right now!

West goes on to describe an ad running in India for a vag bleaching cream that makes your vag, well, non-vag colored.

In this commercial for an Indian product called Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, a (very light-skinned) couple sits down for what would have been a peaceful cup of morning coffee—if the woman's disgusting brown vagina hadn't ruined everything! The dude can't even bring himself look at her. He can't look at his coffee either, because it only reminds him of his wife's dripping, coffee-brown hole! Fortunately, the quick-thinking woman takes a shower, scrubbing her swarthy snatch with Clean and Dry Intimate Wash ("Freshness + Fairness"). And poof! Her vadge comes out blinding white like a downy baby lamb (and NOT THE GROSS BLACK KIND)

I was so sold on West with "bleach that motherfucker," but when she got to "his wife's dripping, coffee-brown hole" I was beyond in love.

Here's the ad, if you want to be angered and/or develop a new and exciting insecurity. (In due credit to the collective wisdom of the YouTube viewing public--a phrase I have never once used--"thumbs downs" are beating "thumbs up" by a ratio of 3 to 1.)

Vag bleaching is yet another one of those "body enhancement" products--like bras with built-in nipples, vaginal rejuvenation, shapewear for sex, mints to hide the taste of semen, etc...--that, in the quest for "beauty" screw with basic biology.*** Screwing with biology, as in, how we experience pleasure (i.e. a boob job making a woman lose sensitivity in her now For Display Purposes Only rack) and screwing with biology in how we communicate sexual signals to each other. A highly aroused woman, for example, will get a vivid dark flush of color between her legs. This indicates, "Hey, you're doin' fine. Please proceed at once." (If it's really really dark and very flushed, it indicates, "Oh, god! Please please please proceed at once!")

An artificially light vag indicates...what?
"I am an Indian woman possessing an improbably Caucasian vagina."
"I may be aroused or I may be thinking of stocking up on cereal when it's on sale."
"I'd better not pee because, as I vaguely recall from chemistry, ammonia and bleach mixed together create a toxic cloud."

So why do we need this product? Let's let the ad copy explain:

Designed to address the problems women face in their private parts, Clean and Dry Intimate Wash offers protection, fairness and freshness. To be used while showering, its special pH-balanced formula cleans and protects the affected area, and even makes the skin fairer. Life for women will now be fresher, cleaner, fairer!

To restate, you have problems in your private parts. All women do. The problem, as we now know, is having "private parts." So bleach that motherfucker! Bleach it right now!

xoxox
jill

*If you are the cool feminist friend, please be aware that the horribly unflattering subject line automatically generated for your dear friend's email will be Your Vagina Isn't Too Big, Too Floppy, and Too Hairy--It's Also Too Brown. Might want to change that...

** Yes, yes, I know that the term "vagina" refers to the hole part and that "vulva" is the proper term for part I'm actually talking about. And if you correct me in the comments, I will come to your house and punch you.

*** We are not the only society that does crazy-ass junk to...well, our junk. According to Mary Roach, in Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, in parts of Africa, Haiti and Indonesia, moistness between a woman's legs is considered to be a turn-off. So to facilitate the "dry sex" their men want, the women use drying agents, including shredded newspaper, cotton, rock salt, detergent, bark and--ack!--dried animal poop.

Thus, if we combined these two regional traditions in sort of a vaginal melting pot (I think there was a Schoolhouse Rock song about the vaginal melting pot), instead of a lover confronting a wet, deeply flushed, obviously-aroused pussy, they'd find a vaguely bleachy-smelling white vag, festooned with dry bits of shredded newspaper and animal poop hanging out. Viva progress!

(photo source)

Sex Toy Socialism

2021-03-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

Not the actual Bernie Sanders

I recently saw Bernie Sanders speak in Glendale, California, and damn, that man is sharp as a tack. Not only could he spout off all manner of really quite disturbing Actual Facts about income inequality, but could answer long-ass two-part questions without going back and asking what second part of the question was.

I realized, among other things that, as the top 1% holds nearly as much wealth as the bottom 90% (for realz), I am hording way more than my share of sex toys. So in the spirit of righting the wrongs of sex toy capitalism, I am quite happy to send you some (or a whole boxful) of brand spanking new sex toys for the price of postage and a decentish tip to pay for gas, my time and a secret black budget that I will use for nefarious purposes.

Here's what you could be fucking in approximately 3-5 business days.

Penis toys for the gents (or however be-penised)!

Plus One Personal Stroker, a high-quality masturbator with two openings

Bang and Blow Deep Throat Super Stroker

Adam's Deluxe Penis Ring Sampler

~~Manta, a vibrator that can be used solo or with a partner~~

Toys for the vulva-ed!

Muah Mini Vibrator, a vibrator shaped like lips

~~Shegasm Silicone Clit Stimulator, clit stim in apple form~~

Skyn Wave Clitoral Simulator

~~Romp Switch, a suction kind of toy~~

~~Magic Wand Mini, not actually that mini~~

Rechargeable Dual Entry Vibe, for two holes at once

A surprisingly high number of clitoral suctiony/vibey toys with a floral theme!

~~Bloomgasm Royalty Rose, 3 levels, 7 patterns of air stimulation~~

Ravishing Rose Clit Pleaser, another slutty slutty rose

~~Flower Power Vibrator~~

~~Wild Rose Clitoral Stimulator with Thrusting Bullet~~

Rosegasm Duel Ended Clitoral Vibe

Toys that are green!

~~Eve's Petite Private Pleasure Wand it's like a mini Magic Wand~~

~~Heat Me Up Warming Rabbit Thruster, description pretty much sums it up~~

Real Rock Chrystal Clear Dildo, 8 inch, like what's linked but green.

~~BFit Classic Love Balls, 2 ben-wa balls/kegel trainers~~

~~Tea Tree Oil Foaming Toy Cleaner, vegan~~

Small butt plug, with a shamrock on it because why not

Remote control toys!

~~Blue Motion, Nex 3, super fancy penis ring/couples' toy~~

~~Esca 2, remote control g-spotish massager~~

~~We-Vibe Date Night Set, a Pivot vibrating penis ring and a Nova rabbit vibrator~~

Butt stuff!

Pink Rose Glass medium anal plug

Red Heart Gem small anal plug

Vibrating Anal Bead Stick, looks fancy plus it's waterproof

~~Mood Pride Anal Trainer Set, three sizes of butt plugs~~

~~Glass Prostate Massager~~

A small silicone plug with ridges that I can't find online

Rear Rocker Vibrating Glass Anal Plug, "endless anal fun," it says. (Tricky Genie: You get anal fun. You: Yay! Genie: But it's ENDLESS. You: Aw, man!)

BDSM!

Blindfold

~~Bondage Tape~~

Lingerie!

Crotchless Lace Panty, size M/L

Floral Bra and Thong, size L/XL

~~Seven Nights of Temptation Gift set (plus sized!), an advent calendar of lingerie and other stuff~~

Potpourri!

Purple Rose (again with florals!) Nubby Glass Dildo (like this but 9 inches)

~~Gildo Rainbow Swirl Glass Dildo~~

Balldo, you might not actually want to know

Ling O Vibrating Tongue Ring

A bunch of condoms

Adam's 3" Extension, goes over a dick or dick substitute for 3 extra inches. I have SO MANY of these! Get one or get many! A new look for spring? Everything Everywhere All At Once cosplay? You decide!

And/or any of these various and sundry lubes, elixirs and random things that haunt my drawer!

Rules: Email your address and what items or items you want to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. Shipping alone for a USPS priority medium box is $17.10, large is $22.80. Tip is what the Universe says is right. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123. First come, first served. I will cross out stuff as it's claimed. And if you want to skip me entirely and just buy something via the links, the blog gets a little cut which I will use to refill the office coffee machine.

P.S. Don't be greedy and grab all the really expensive toys (and leave a crap tip--these traits seem to go together). If you do, in the next life karma will give you no sex toys and you'll have to use your hand like a goddamed monkey.

Toys for Your Whatever

2021-03-14T13:21:00.011-07:00

Hey there. What do you need to know?

1. If you're wondering what happened to that article about me pitifully sexting with a 'bot, it is currently up at HuffPo, under the semi-unflattering, albeit true headline, I Sexted With a 'Bot to Quell Pandemic Loneliness. I will be on the Irish Times podcast to discuss it, which adds a whole other level of shamefulness to the whole thing, but that's what will be happening and I will alert you as needed.

2. I still have some sex toys bustin' out of my side cabinet ready to come fill the yawning void inside of you (metaphorical or literal, take your pick).

If you want one or some, LMK and I will box 'em up and send them your way for the low low price of postage and a tip to pay for my humiliation of mailing pervy boxes at my local P.O. (If you see something you like, send me your mailing address--my email is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my PayPal is also jillhamilton001@gmail.com.)

I gots an Easter-themed array of fuckables including:

~~--Rosy Gold Remote Control Nouveau Vibrating Egg, a sex toy with art deco design just like the 1930s.~~

~~--Happy Rabbit Clitoral Vibe~~

--Egg-Citement Rechargeable Remote Control Egg with Attachments, who among us does not want to fuck an egg.

Plus your regular secular toys, as near as I can tell:

~~Big Ol' Wand Vibrator, rechargeable~~

~~Prostate massager, long and thin for targeted vibrations~~

Duo Love Balls, Ben Wa-like balls for first timers

Kit for Couples, 7 inch vibe, nubbly sleeve for it, stretchy cock ring, mini bullet vibe, all waterproof

~~Stretchy vibrating cock ring, you heard me~~

~~Candy Cane Massager, a waterproof vibrator, but, candy striped bc why not?~~

Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens who left their anal probe at home, or just desire some recreational probery

All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

Purple Heart Butt Plug, which, to be honest, isn't the greatest name

Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.

~~Joy Stick Recharageable Wand, a long double-headed number that could go in any number of orifices.~~

Bondage Kit, with blindfold, satin pasties, silky rope, cuffs and flogger.

Could pair with:

Lil BDSM kit, with a BDSM dice, a small flogger and a deck of sex bondage positions cards, if you other deck has worn out.

and/or

Bondage tape, cause someone's in big trouble

Kama Sutra Playing Cards

Big-ass bottle of water-based lube, lube specifically for use with masturbators or strokers, watermelon flavored lube, some extra large Elite Skyn Condoms, a Pleasure Feather Tickler, and, randomly, a very small guide to BDSM.

If you want to just buy something straight from the companies and leave me out of it, click on the link and IBWMW gets a wee cut.

3. I really don't mean for this to just be a blog about sex toys I have not fucked. I will work on that.

4. Thank you for your postcards and letters!

xoxo

jill

The Sex Machine

2021-02-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

It's all in your head, really

The sex machine arrived at my doorstep in a large, blessedly unmarked box. Inside was The Motorbunny, all 32.9 lbs of it, prone and ready for all manner of fuckery.

The Motorbunny, a more "affordable" version of the famous/infamous Sybian, is ride-on sex toy that's somewhere between ride-on lawn mower and the mechanical bull in Urban Cowboy, a movie I never saw but feel comfortable citing in an outdated, possibly incorrect reference.

When it arrived, I peeked inside the box and saw a padded half-cylinder thing that you* sit on. There were also a variety of attachments that look like pink dicks and/or pokey things. Not included was an add-on ass/vagina combo called "Jiggle Butt For Men." (Surprisingly, even though Jiggle Butt For Men is, by its very name, forbidden to me as a woman, that didn't make it all the more darkly tempting.)

And, well, that surreptitious peek was my one and only encounter with my fuck machine. Since then, that big-ass box has sat unmolested in my bedroom for, dear God, maybe like an entire year now.

I've been trying to figure out why.

Part of it is its size. Right now, it's just a large box storage problem. Once I take it out, it becomes a sex machine storage problem, an entirely different matter.

The second reason is the price, $950. I'm guessing the depreciation on such a item would be similar to that of a car, but subject to a more immediate and drastic price drop after I "drive it out of the lot," so to speak. Maybe I'd get a decent story for you, but how could I possibly justify $950 for what might be single, alarmingly bad fuck?

The third is that I've finally realized... I just don't want to. Yes, I read reviews about women screaming in pleasure for hours, endless orgasms and squirting various substances all over the place. But even though my body parts have not (yet?) known the love of the fuck machine, I felt more of a kinship with other reviewers who'd used phrases like "like blasting your bits with a car engine" and "like a Rage Against the Machine song....transformed into a sex toy."

That's not to say real beauty cannot arise out of harsh, literally mechanical sex...

Device for Possible Transcendence by Ven Voisey

from the Motorbunny Art Project

But the kind of sex I seek is not what the Motorbunny is offering.

It was 1.5 episodes of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo (thx for the rec Caitlin Grace) that finally did it. The main idea is that items in your home should "spark joy." I was all in with this Life Changing Magic, despite my daughter Ava muttering, "Does your Social Security card 'spark joy'? Does the cats' litter box?"

No. They do not spark joy. And, I realized, neither does this stupid big box in my bedroom, its fuck machine contents and its brutish love. For me, the daring choice was not, as I'd long assumed, getting on that thing as anyone would expect I'd do, but letting it go without riding it, and opening the space for something I truly desire.

All that to say: Sex Machine For Sale. Never Used.

Make an offer.

xoxo
jill

* By you, I mean, you and not me.

I Want to Sex You Up

2020-12-20T12:30:00.013-08:00

In your FACE, #101

Hello friend, Re-upping 'cause I got some new stuff that you might need to fuck.--2/3/21

Let's see. In Bed With Married Women, despite my near complete lack of posting has been named one of Kinkly's Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2020* (again! yes, true!) I don't know if this is because it's no longer 2010 and nobody blogs anymore or what, but I'm bloody well gonna take it because fuck you, 2020.

Anyway, I know you don't come here just for super out-of-date title references to horrible pop groups from the 1990s and the occasional post where I actually try to do a good job, but also for the fabulous sex toys I frequently toss your way, like a common Mr. Monopoly, but one who is tossing sex toys...like in a parade...for some reason...never mind.

Anyway today, my friend, you get two out of three of those things because

1. BAM! Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You U, 1991. Do not google. It is really bad, as well as badd.

2. I have some sex toys that I've been sent by nice sex toy companies but, due to everyone in my family being around every fucking second of my goddamed life, I am unable to properly use/fuck/smear recklessly over my body.

That's where you come in, gentle reader.

I'm gonna list what I've got. If something strikes your fancy, or whatever you're calling it these days, drop me a line (jillhamilton001@gmail.com) and I will put it in a box and send it to your doorstep. To your door, I say! You can even pick a few if you want and fill a box. (Don't be too greedy though and pick like 20 things. I hate that. One time I had a garage sale and told a customer they could pay what they wanted. They took a shit ton of stuff and gave me a nickel. Yes, I didn't want any of the stuff AND I did say to pay what they wanted, but still.)

Here's what you do.

1. Email me which toy(s) you wish to fuck.

2. Pay for shipping. I wish so hard that I could just send it you, but I write a free blog. Please add an extra donation/tip to validate my existence/make up for me dragging my ass to the crowded post office during COVID for you. If you give me a nickel, I will come to your house and punch you. I'm not even joking.

3. My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. (Keep handy for when you're drunk and feeling spendy.)

That's it! Here's what I gots left. As things go, I'll strike them out.

Big Ol' Wand Vibrator, rechargeable

Prostate massager, long and thin for targeted vibrations

Duo Love Balls, Ben Wa-like balls for first timers

Kit for Couples, 7 inch vibe, nubbly sleeve for it, stretchy cock rink, mini bullet vibe, all waterproof

Stretchy vibrating cock ring, you heard me

Candy Cane Massager, a waterproof vibrator, but, candy striped bc why not?

~~Adam's Warming Rotating Power Boost Dildo, mama's trying not to keep him for herself bc...damn. I mean, LOOK AT HIM~~

I do hope the rest of Adam is okay.

Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens who left their anal probe at home, or just desire some recreational probery

All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

Purple Heart Butt Plug, which, to be honest, isn't the greatest name

Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.

Joy Stick Recharageable Wand, a long double-headed number that could go in any number of orifices.

Bondage Kit, with blindfold, satin pasties, silky rope, cuffs and flogger.

Could pair with:

Lil BDSM kit, with a BDSM dice, a small flogger and a deck of sex bondage positions cards, if you other deck has worn out.

and/or

Bondage tape, cause someone's in big trouble

Kama Sutra Playing Cards

~~Silicone lube~~, vibrator lube, Big-ass bottle of water-based lube, watermelon flavored lube, masturbator lube, some extra large Elite Skyn Condoms, wipes, a Pleasure Feather Tickler, a small guide to BDSM, and, oh yeah, so much more luuuuuuube including Wicked Hybrid Jelle, Simply Aqua Jelle, Simply Hybrid, and a ton of other lube that I've grown too lazy to link. If y'all don't take it, I'm gonna have one hell of a slide n' slide, I suppose.

If you want to just buy something straight from the companies and leave me out of it, click on the link and IBWMW gets a wee cut.

So that's it. LMK. I won't tell.

xoxo

jill

*One side effect of being named a Sex Blogging Superhero is that you get offers from random companies. OnlyFans, for example, suggested I could make "millions" through them. "One example of a successful use for you may be for you to show behind the scenes footage of your life to your paying fans on OnlyFans as a perk," they wrote, quite optimistically. I shall assess the market for viewing the behind the scenes footage of a 55 year old woman who is doomscrolling, writing crap articles for cash or hiding in the bathroom every few days for a joyless, hurried wank.

--Update, later: my family members are all delightful. Honestly. But sometimes lock down feels a tad No Exit.

Santa Fetish, Big-Ass Labia, and Ancient Sex Advice

2020-12-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

I have a Very Special gift for you both.

I was looking though the Amazon list of stuff y'all weirdos bought and someone ordered a copy of "Snowballin': I Fucked Frosty" a book whose title is its own spoiler. This snowballed (sans fuckery, alas) into me trudging around through the ancient backwaters of the blog. It's weird to read myself of the past, maybe it will be for you too. I do hope that this post marked my personal max for using the word "clit," a word I fervently wish had an alternative.

Anyway, step into my time machine with me into 2012. Might want to wear a helmet. There are a lot of loose clits flying about. (And PS, it gets pretty fucking gross in here today.)

********

Random detritus from the IBWMW inbox.

--That is Some Good Lookin' Labia

Caitlin Grace, a Wellbeing Coach in New Zealand, sent in this documentary called The Perfect Vagina, about chicks getting plastic surgery on their "fannies," as they call them overseas. As you may recall, I am against the cutting of one's sexual organs--up to and including fannies--in order to look like all of the other Sneetches, and this vid let me stay comfortably within my cozy worldview.

Go have a look if you'd like--it's free. A caveat: cover your eyes during the highly graphic surgery scene. Slabs of skin cut off! Slabs! Which not only burned a permanent discomforting image into my brain, but also led to the following Unproductive Thought Spiral (which seems to be happening more frequently now that I've had to switch from expensive "name brand" Lexapro to a generic made in a foreign land and sold at Costco for $6.99.)

To wit:
1. Became concerned with how said vag slabs are disposed of. You can't just toss 'em in the trash, right? Compost pile? Surely it's not e-waste. Which reminded me of...
2. The Mystery of the Possibly Missing Clit and @jeannehospod's snarky Twitter answer: "check jeans pocket" which gave me the unsettling image of a linty clit in a jeans pocket. Making it even worse, she continued, "Cleaning the lint catcher on the dryer should prevent that. 'Oh there's a dime, foil gum wrapper, and...ooh! there it is!'" Which made me think of...
3. All the moles dermatologists cut off and how there is someone working at a lab somewhere who walks into work and is confronted with a bunch of little packets containing tiny little moles that they must cheerfully examine. But I digress.

Anyway, today when I was looking at the Perfect Vagina site, I learned that the reasons for labioplasty include this:

some women complain that...riding a bike is uncomfortable

Which just makes me curious how fucking big, labia-wise, we're talking. I mean, to be uncomfortable on a bike, they'd have to be...what?...like getting caught in the wheels? So big you don't need any padding on your seat? I mean, if they're "can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow" size, hell, maybe I am supportive of a little nip and tuck.

Now unclear on my labial worldview. Leave me alone.

--Oh, Santa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, SSssssssssaaaaaantaaaaa, oh God, yes!

The holiday season is coming up which means it's time to start thinking about Santa, particularly how sexy it would be to have him pull down his velvety red pants then slowly slide his snowy white pubes against your throbbing center. Because, yes, a Santa fetish is a real thing.

A Santa fetish can involve being fucked by Santa, or alternately, being Santa and fucking others. Today, for example, on porn site xnxx there are 287 videos tagged with the word "Santa." (If you have a spare moment and an easily erasable search history, I would urge you to look the sheer crazy-ass variety of specialty tags there representing a wide variety of human sexual expression* including "mother-in-law," "poltergeist," uh-oh--hold the phone on that labioplasty-- a stunning 1178 videos for "mega pussy lips." And I presume they mean the still-attached kind. Though at this point I'm pretty sure that someone somewhere is probably jerking off to the thought of a medical waste bin chockful of removed, oh god, never mind, I'm not even going to finish that sentence.)

In case you're thinking it's just porn-obsessed dirty pervs with the Santa fetish, sensitive literate folk get hot for Santa fuckery as well. Here's a selection from the story Sara's Santa Fetish--it's Santarotica, a word I hope I just made up.

"I know what you've been thinking, I know for what you long, and tonight's a special night indeed, because Santa isn't wrong," he spoke, rhyming the words as if singing a verse from Santa Claus is Coming to Town. "I know when you lay in bed at night, your body longs for me, and tonight I'll make your dreams come true, Sara I'll set you free."

Oh there's more. Plenty more.

The fantasies flashed in her mind like movie trailers of the oft-repeated nights she lay in bed at night, thighs wide, fingering her clit while rubbing a wig or other such prop against her inner legs as if to replicate the feel of facial hair, a beard... Santa's beard. She'd thought of the things he'd do to her, of the pleasure he would bring, but - but -

"It's happening, Sara," he promised with a soft, belly-shaking chuckle. "Lean back and enjoy this very special gift."

I don't why I love this so much. Maybe it has something to do with the usual erotica tropes--the straining nipples, bucking hips and the like coupled with the Santa-y references to jolliness, his "silky soft beard," and that "soft, belly-shaking chuckle."

"Enjoy this very special gift" indeed. "Gee, Santa, is it your cock? Seriously? Again?"

--Sex Advice from 2000 Years Ago.
Maybe it's the overseas "Lexapro" talking, but I'm reading a recent translation of the Kama Sutra and discovered some Ancient Wisdom to pass on to you:

Making Oneself Attractive

"The eye of a peacock or hyena, put inside a locket of gold and worn on the right hand, renders one attractive."

You already knew that one? Okay then, here's one for the gentlemen.

Bewitching a Woman

"Sex with a woman when the penis is smeared with honey mixed with a powder of thorn apple, black pepper and long pepper will bewitch her into one's power. Using a powder made of wind-blown leaves, flowers left on a corpse and peacock bones has the same effect."

xoxox
jill

*none of them, unfortunately, with the tag "Marc Maron."

Toys, Toys, Toys in the Cabinet, Redux

2020-10-27T20:13:00.005-07:00

I can show you the world

[I just updated this with new stuff, as of 10/27/20. So you have seen this, but only sorta.]

As the writer of a sex blog that lots of people still read even though I only write a new post every 87 months or so, I have amassed a metric fuckton of sex toys. So many, in fact, that despite my valiant efforts, I've been unable to have sexual relations with all of them.

That's where you come in. Everything is completely insane right now AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED. Perhaps a toy or two would cheer you up? A brief respite of hedonism is a fine way to forget about the everything for a few blessed moments.

Here's a basic idea what I have busting out of my cabinet right now.

So, without further ado, except this sentence of ado that I just added, I currently have:

--Big ol’ vibrating dildo (w/ suction cup! And it warms up! And has balls!)

--Stretchy cock ring with a built-in scrotum ring.

~~--Silicone g-spot vibrator w buzzy clit part~~

-~~-Large g-spot stroking rabbit vibrator~~

--Prostate probe (kinda like anal beads)

--Prostate vibrator, narrow and long with bulby end

--Smallish, non-penis looking dildo that bends and is anal-safe
--Silicone bullet vibe with ripples.

--Silicone vibrator that kinda looks like a manta ray.
--Bullet vibe

--Butt plug with fancy jewel at the end
--Butt plug with handle at the end

--Bondage tape

~~--Cbd serum for arousal, just works for the wimmens though~~

--Box o’ condoms
--Small tickly feather thing for sensation play

--Topical CBD lotion (not for sex, for muscle pain) Menthol

--LUBE water-based, silicone-based, combos, especially for toys, watermelon-flavored. I gots lube is the point.

If you're feeling it, I can send you something specific or you can tell me what you're into and I can put a box together and ship it Priority Mail. However, you, my friend, are in charge of paying for shipping (medium boxes are $15.05 in postage, large is $21.10) and giving me a wildly generous tip for driving my ass to the post office during The Sickening. My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can email me for more details or if you want personalized suggestions or something.

That's all. I wrote a post! Sorta. But still.

Good talking to you.
xo
jill

In Bed With Married Women

Jeju Loveland, A Theme Park For Love (As It Says There In The Name)

U up?

Your New F*ck Buddy Awaits

What's under the bed? Let's see, shall we?

F*ck and Cover

Drought

Things Fall Apart

My Blackmailer Knows...My Secret!

The Crush, Explained by Science

My Real Life Leo Grande Situation

Notes From My Covid Sick Room

I Don't Know Sh*t About F*ck

"The Copulatory Gaze" and the Body Language of Flirting

Where's Balldo? (He's under my bed with all the other toys)

Happy New Tears!

Sex toys! Do it now! I said NOW.

Subscribe

7 Reasons Why Breakups Suck So Damn Bad

Slutbot and Me, An Affair for the Ages

"Her Swarthy Snatch" that is, Reader Mail Week, Day 1

Sex Toy Socialism

Toys for Your Whatever

The Sex Machine

I Want to Sex You Up

Santa Fetish, Big-Ass Labia, and Ancient Sex Advice

Toys, Toys, Toys in the Cabinet, Redux

I Don't Know Sht About Fck