But the greatest of these is love

The Lie of "Super Mom"

2014-03-26T05:21:00.000-07:00

There are so many emotions that come with motherhood. Love, joy, fear, and the list goes on and on. One emotion I wasn't expecting and has at times felt crippling, is guilt. Guilt that I am not being a good Mom. There is this idea of the ideal Mom, but no one even knows what that really means. In America we have this term "Super Mom" and it's like a badge every Mom would like to wear. It shines of independence, self-assurance, self-sufficiency, and this "I've got it all together smile." (not to mention nursing, cloth diapers, organic food….on and on).

Where did this come from? Why do we beat ourselves up when we can't live up to this?

This past Sunday, I was at the home of a new friend. She is a little different than most of my friends because she lives only with her husband and son. Usually after marriage a women moves in with her husband's family. Anyways, I was very curious what is was like for her after she gave birth to her son. What was life like for a women who lives alone in this culture raising her child. You know what she told me? She went to her mother's house for six months!!

Living in another culture gives me the opportunity to view motherhood not only through my American lens, but also through the eyes of women in India. Here when a woman has a baby, she is surrounded by a group of women. Her mother, mother-in-law, sister-in-laws…not to mentions aunts, cousins, and grandparents. This idea of figuring out motherhood on her own does not exist here. The idea of reading a book to know how to take care of your baby doesn't exist here. Why would you read a book when you are surrounding by women who have done it themselves, often multiple times. The idea that a women should be able to hold a screaming baby, make a bottle, and cook dinner all at the same time…is frankly CRAZY and overwhelming.

Of course, this happens much more naturally here because most people(or at least most people that I live around) live with their extended families. So, there are helpers already built into your life.

So, what is the point you ask? The point is that there is no "Super Mom." You may see her Facebook statuses or pictures of her looking beautiful and holding her equally beautiful baby…but she is struggling, just like every new Mom that has wondered when she will ever sleep or shave her legs again.

Independent, self-assured, and self-sufficient might have been the old face of "Super Mom," but I want to learn from my Indian sisters and embrace interdependence, vulnerability, and community. So, all you new Moms out there(mostly the ones living in the West feeling like you can't "do it all") most women in the world frankly…don't. They don't do it all, and neither should you. Forget "Super Mom" and just love the heck out of that baby and ask for help…a lot!

*here is a selfie of my beautiful self, with my beautiful baby, haha ;)

Ava Lily's Birth Story

2014-03-16T09:07:00.003-07:00

I am just two (ahem now that I have returned to this blog, 3.5) months late, but I thought some of you might want to hear Ava's birth story. I like reading people's birth stories, so maybe some of you do as well.

**Disclaimer, if you are a man this might not be your favorite post, feel free to stop reading**

The day before Thanksgiving I went to the doctor for a check up. I was 38 and a half weeks along, but they had been saying Ava might come early for the last couple weeks. I had given up on the thought of her coming early and decided she would probably be late. Oh, those last weeks of pregnancy….so ready to get something going. I know y'all know what I mean! So, nothing had progressed and I saw a different doctor than my normal doc because she was on vaca all week. The doctor I saw said the same thing, "she could come anytime.. but if you have her tomorrow, could you wait until after Thanksgiving lunch?"

I went home a little bummed that there hadn't been any progress, but decided to just enjoy some Thanksgiving the next day. We were staying at my Mom's house and Ryan's parents and brother were coming over on Thanksgiving day for all the festivities. Little did we all know how many festivities there would be :)

Thursday morning I woke up and helped a little (not much) getting things ready for lunch. Ryan's parents, bro, my bro and nephew, and my Memee all came over for lunch. Up until this point I wasn't feeling like anything spectacular was going to happen anytime soon.

I loaded up on Thanksgiving lunch and then we were all sitting around talking. I started feeling some pains, kinda like cramps. I went to the bathroom for a minute and didn't say anything to anyone. I came back and told R (and everyone else there) that I was feeling some contractions…maybe. It is so hard to know when you are really having contractions at first.

We all decided to go on a walk around the neighborhood and that is when I realized something different was definitely happening. Like I had to take a little break from walking because of the contractions. Anyways, this kept on for a few hours. Not the walking…just the contractions.

It was all pretty crazy and exciting to be in labor while both your family and your husband's family are all in one house. I would go in the back room and rock in the rocking chair a little. Different people would come in and chat. Everyone that is, except my brother. He doesn't do so well with people in pain, especially his little sister.

I had all these ideas of how I wanted labor to go and what I wanted to do during labor. Stretches, take a bath in the jacuzzi, let R use all those massage techniques we learned at birthing class, and wait until I was having steady contractions to go to the hospital. I didn't want to be one of those girls that went to the hospital and then got sent home.

I did get in the jacuzzi and was feeling pretty good about myself and how well I was handling this labor thing. My contractions where getting stronger and closer together. They were still only lasting about 45 seconds, but after getting a shower I decided we should head to the hospital to check things out. That was around 9pm.

Well, R, my Mom and I loaded up in the car, while R's dad(the photographer took pics of us) and headed to the hospital. In my mind, I was totally a 4 at least! My contractions were getting so strong it was getting hard to walk, but I was determined to walk to the labor and delivery floor, not go in a wheel chair. So, R and I got to the room while my Mom parked the car and I changed clothes and all that. Then the nurse came in to check me. She told me I was still a 2 and my effacement hadn't changed. She said I was dehydrated some and that probably my uterus was just aggravated, maybe I wasn't really in labor. SAY WHAT!?! She suggested I walk around the hospital for an hour and she would check me again. An hour later…no change. By this time, I was having to breathe through contractions and all my ideas of R and I doing this together where out the window. I had to breathe and I didn't need any help doing it!! So, she sent us home. I was so upset. For one thing, I thought, "if this isn't labor, oh my goodness…I am going to die when I really go into labor" and for the second thing, how was I supposed to know when to come back. She told me to go home and try to sleep and drink a lot of water. That was around 11pm.

We headed back home and everyone rested while I rocked in the chair and breathed through contractions. After a few hours, I went to the bathroom and realized we needed to head back to the hospital. Although, I was kinda nervous about going back and nothing being different. That was around 2am.

Once we got there the same nurse checked me and I was a 4!! Woo hoo, I really was in labor!! Praise God :) I knew I had to be! My labor progressed and it pretty much consisted of me keeping my eyes closed and breathing and trying to relax. Every once and awhile I would open my eyes and see R and my Mom looking exhausted and watching the contraction monitor. I had decided before everything that I wanted an epidural, but I wanted to wait until I was at least a 5 or 6. Turns out the anesthesiologist had a little trouble getting out of bed and making it to my room until around 6am, when I was a 7. He strolled in with his cocky self and said, "wow, glad I got here, we almost missed giving you an epidural." I said, "I'm glad you got here too." I secretly wanted to smack him in the nose! I got my epidural and it was fabulous. I was so exhausted because my contractions where about a minute apart. One minute is a really short time to try to relax before the next one comes, so it was a really peaceful time to be able to relax and focus on getting ready to push.

Around 12pm my doctor, well not my actual doctor, but the one who was on call, showed up. My doctor was still on Thanksgiving vacation, so sad. I really love her. Anyways, she broke my water and I started pushing. Forty six minutes later, Ava Lily Hartsfield was born. It was beautiful. I think during labor I was so focused on each phase that I didn't have much time to really imagine what I would be like when that baby girl was laid on my chest for the first time.

She was perfect and chubby and had good lungs. I held her to me and cried and looked at R with his teary eyes and my Mom did her cry squeal that she does only about her grand babies, and everything all the pain of the last 20 hours made perfect sense. Of course, I was still numb from the epidural…I don't wanna lie…that was nice.

We spend the night in the hospital and headed home the next day with our 7lb 14oz beauty. Birth one of the most painfully, beautiful things I have ever experienced.

*walking around the neighborhood

*we played a game where everyone tried to guess how big my belly was, Boston won!

*loved having all these people in town for Ava's birthday :)

*just a few hours old

*Naani and Grandaddy

*family picture

*sweet cheeks

Are Muslims Dangerous?

2013-11-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

There are some posts that I love to write and there are some posts that seem to write themselves in my head. I don't want this to come across as a rant of some sort, but I feel like a few things need to be said and said clearly.

If you have been reading this blog or know anything about our lives, you know that we live in India and live in a neighborhood that is majority Muslim. We are learning language and researching business ideas that will be what we like to describe as, "a blessing to the community." We believe God led us to India and we believe that small sustainable business can help communities. We also follow Jesus and know that he has called us to love our neighbors and share his love and the story of what he has done and what his Kingdom is about among our neighbors.

We have been meeting with a lot of people to share with them about our experiences in India and one question seems to be on the tip of everyone's tongue. Some ask it in curiosity, some ask because they really just don't know, and unfortunately some ask in animosity. What is this question?? In some form or fashion it is something like this:

"Are Muslim's dangerous, are you in constant danger?"

Uggh, where to begin. I don't even know.

As a disclaimer, I write this blog as a follower of Jesus. So the things I say and believe are rooted in the teachings of the Bible. So, if you are reading this and are not a Christian, I can't say how you should or shouldn't see Muslims(although I have my opinions), but if you are a follower of Jesus, it is time for some heart change. It is time to re-read the message of Jesus and realize that this idea that Muslims are bad or horrible is really not okay, in fact it is sinful.

So back to the question, "Are Muslim's dangerous, are you in constant danger?"

The quick answer is no and no. There are estimated to be around 1.6 billion Muslims in the world. Are some of them dangerous, sure. Are enough of them dangerous to justify the claim that ALL Muslims are dangerous, absolutely not! Does the media portray them as dangerous and violent, yes. Some of you may read this blog and think, "okay, Kristin likes Muslims and thinks they are nice people. So what?" So my challenge to you is instead of feeling fear or apprehension when you see a Muslim family walk into your grocery store, or your school, or your favorite coffee shop go talk to them. America is full of refugees, many of them are Muslims. I can assure you, most of them come from cultures that are much more relational than America and it is likely they would love to see a friendly face that wants to get to know them and not just clump them into a category of dangerous or violent.

Do it, live differently!

I promised my Muslim friends I would speak for them and I do and will. But, learn for yourself. It is so easy to judge when you just watch the news (or pass along emails that are filled with false accusations and facts) and live separately from everything going on "out there." Get to know Muslims, share your life, share your table, share their table(it will be tasty for sure!), ask questions and watch your heart and assumptions begin to change.

"What is it like being back in America?"

2013-10-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

People keep asking what it is like being back in the States after being gone for (almost) two years. Honestly, I am not sure I can even write about that yet. Or at least write very well on the subject. Yet, here I am writing a post...hmmm weird.

It is kind of like in, "The Lion, the Witch and Wardrobe." The children all go into the wardrobe and experience these great adventures, joys, and hardships and when they come back to England they realize life is the same as when they left, yet they are profoundly different. They have met Aslan, they are Kings and Queens of Narnia! (thanks to Steve Husmann for the Narnia reference)

Obviously, we are not kings and queens now, nor has time stood still in America...yet it seems strangely the same. Almost as if it was all a dream in a way. We have been living the last two years in a world that is extremely different from the one in Texas. We dressed differently, spoke a different language, and functioned differently in society than we do here.

I feel a bit as if I have been wondering around in a fog, trying to piece together these two very different realities that are now make up who I am. I am sure as time goes on here, the processing will continue and as the journey into motherhood unfolds my identity will transform even more. What will it mean to be a mother in Texas and then what will it look like to be a mother in India? All I know is that grace and patience are greatly needed on this journey....

On a lighter note, here are a few weird things we have done, or things that have seemed strange to us:

1. Ryan and I went to a store in Tyler to get a birthday present for my brother. At the counter there was one woman who I guess was trying to check out. R and I walked right up to the counter and started asking for a gift card(totally not acknowledging that there was a women there). We weren't trying to be rude, but this is just how you get things done in India. You walk to the front and try to get the person's attention. The guy behind the counter, nicely told us he would help us as soon as he helped the lady who was standing in line in front of us....ooops!

2. We have a scooter in India and R is the only one who drives it (although I think when we return, I would like to learn). In our area, women don't really drive that much and let's be honest, Indian traffic still scares me. Anyways, I was going to visit my Memee the other day and it was my first time to drive in two years and I was alone. I drove out of the neighborhood then I had this total freak out about which side of the road I was supposed to be driving on. India is opposite of America. I sat there until a car came down the road so I could make sure I was on the correct side. Oh dear...

3. I have been amazed by how much space there is everywhere! There is so much open-ness and I keep wondering where all the people are. Even people's personal space is so much bigger. I know that Indian's have a different meaning of personal space, but I didn't realize how weird it would seem to me now that people give me so much space. I was coming out of a public bathroom the other day and there was a girl about 5 FEET away from me and she crossed to the other side of the hall and said, "oh, excuse me." I was like "really"??? There was FIVE FEET, we could have fit about 5 people in between us with no necessary "excuse me" or "I'm sorry for walking so close to you."

4. America is so extremely quiet. We have been staying with our parents who both live in peaceful areas (not big cities), but still everything seems so quiet. The first few nights, I felt like I could hear my heart beating in my ears due to the silence. Also, everyone has central AC here in Texas so it clicks on and off as needed. For the first few days, everytime the AC clicked off, R and I were like, "oh man, the power is out." Nope, it's not.

5. There are Christians and Churches EVERYWHERE. I mean seriously, as we drove from East Texas to Austin I thought about counting how many churches we passed, but I don't think I could have kept up. There is Christian music on the radio, Christian signs and posters everywhere, and we keep overhearing conversations by Christians in public places. It's all very different for us.

I think this is what they call, reverse culture shock and it is strange :)

What's in a Name?

2013-10-01T12:18:00.001-07:00

I have been dreaming about kid's names since I got married. It is hard to pick a name, it seems so weighty. This is what this kid will be known as forever! That is a lot of pressure. R and I both assumed our adopted child would join our family first and so the names we picked out where for him or her, then we when found out we were pregnant and started thinking about names, it just seemed like we were supposed to save those names. Which means we started back at square one. The meaning of names is important to us, we want it to be a type of prayer or declaration over our child, if that makes sense. Also, living in India has made the meaning of names become even more important. In India (at least among our Muslim friends) names all hold very special meanings and everyone wants to know what your name means. With all that in mind, and now that we know we are having a little girl, we are proud to announce our baby girl's name will be:

Ava Lily Hartsfield

Here is the breakdown of her name:

Ava- As I was searching names, I just loved Ava. I had no idea it is really popular these days, but oh well. The name Ava comes from the name Eve. Eve was the first woman ever created and her name means "life" or "living one".

Lily- About a year ago, I read a book called, "The Language of Flowers." Great book! It describes how in the past as men were courting women they sent messages through flowers. In the back of the book there is an appendix with flowers meanings. After I read the book, I became a bit obsessed with naming our future daughter with a flower name. Lily means, purity. We loved the way Ava Lily sounds together and the way life and purity go together.

Ava Lily. We pray that our sweet girl will be a fresh breath of life and purity in everyone's life that she comes in contact with. The kingdom of God is a place full of life, newness, beauty and purity. May her precious life make people long for God's Kingdom.

Pieces of My Heart

2013-08-30T03:08:00.001-07:00

Before R and I moved to India, we committed to staying here for two years before going back to the States. Well, three weeks from today we will be leaving on a jet plane. To say we are excited is an understatement. We are counting the days! To be able to have our first baby in America with our family and friends all around does something amazing for this "mom-to-be" 's crazy heart!

However, R and I have both been experiencing some torn-ness we didn't quite expect. We have moved into a new house and love our new neighbors, we have been plugging along in language, and we finally have a sense of belonging here. Don't get me wrong, there are still up and down days, but something has clicked for us and we feel like this exactly where we are supposed to be. I wrote a blog post about HOME recently that talks a little about this. How strange it is that we feel like Texas is home and India is home. In a million ways, they are worlds apart, but we have given pieces of our hearts to people in both lands. When we are in India we long for Texas, and I am sure when we are in Texas we will long for India. I wonder if all people who live in such different cultures feel this way.

I know these last two years, living in India has stretched R and I, changed us, made us more compassionate, made us more angry, and perhaps made us skinnier than we have ever been before. But, right now, as I think about traveling to Texas in a few weeks, I feel grateful. Grateful to be going "home" to my country, my family and friends, my Tex-Mex food ;). Grateful that God has allowed us to live in a city where there are relatively no foreigners in a neighborhood full of Muslims who know more about hospitality than I could ever hope to learn. And most of all, grateful that we know and follow a God who is not just for one culture, or one people. His kingdom is made up of and continues to grow into a kingdom of people from every country, every language, and every beautiful skin color on this earth. So although my heart will always hurt when I am on the other side of the world from those I love, I'm grateful that this is the life God has given me.

Do I feel at home?

2013-06-25T04:45:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, Ryan and I were skyping with his sister and she asked a question that I have been mulling over the last few days. She said, “Now that you have been in India for a while, does it feel like home?”

What does home feel like? Home feels like a place where you can be yourself and know that you are loved. Home feels like laughing with your best friend, crying with your Mom, joking with your brother, eating your favorite foods, going on dates with your husband, praying, singing, and dancing with people who have grown up in similar way as you have.

Home is always some kind of illusive place we all want to go back to. Like going back to the garden, before the world went wrong. It is a place where all is right. We walk with God in truth and vulnerability when we are truly at home. There is only beauty there. That home doesn’t quite exist here on earth, but it will. God is recreating the garden and he is doing it in Jesus, so I will continue to wait, long, and hopefully be a part in some small way of bringing the new garden, the new kingdom to this earth.

Here in India, I will always be stared at and misunderstood simply because I am from a foreign land. In that way, no I do not feel at home. BUT, I am “making a home here.” There is a difference. It doesn’t always look the way I expect it to look, or feel the way I expect it to feel, but it is slowly happening.

You're adopting and pregnant? Q&A

2013-05-20T05:05:00.001-07:00

Since we announced that we are indeed expecting another baby, this time the biological way, we have had many questions. Thought I would attempt to answer some of those for you here J

1. Are you still going to adopt?

YES, most definitely! Our decision to adopt was never based on if we could or could not have biological kids. We have known since we were engaged that God was leading us to grow our family through adoption. We still imagine that most of the Hartsfield kids will join us in that way.

2. Where will you have the baby? India or America?

The timing works out really great for us to be able to have the baby in America. When we moved to India we wanted to stay here for two years in order to really acclimate, dive into culture and language. We planned a long time ago that we would be returning to visit the states during winter of 2013, it turns out the baby is due around December 7^th. We will extend our stay a few weeks in order to be in Texas by the time I am around 30 weeks, until after the birth. This puts us in Texas from late September-mid January. We are really excited to be able to experience this with our friends and family in America. I am seeing a Dr in a city that is about an hour from us until we get back to America.

3. So now that you are having kids are you going to move back to America?

Nope. Although the last year and a half has been one of the toughest we have experienced and are still experiencing (pregnancy in India during the summer is not my favorite!). Even amidst the hard days, we feel really strongly that God has lead us here and we are excited to start this new chapter of our lives in India J All of our Indian friends are so excited and don’t really understand why we have waiting SO long to have kids anyways. It is uncommon to wait here. As soon as you get married, you get to trying to have babies!

4. (Most common question (more like a statement) from our friends here). You want a boy, don’t you?

We don’t care either way, just a healthy baby. Of course, it is too soon to tell, but I have this feeling it will be a girl. We want to find out the gender as soon as possible, but it will be complicated here. It is actually illegal to tell the gender of an unborn baby because there are so many abortions done due to the fact that many families want boys. Girls are a financial strain on families. It is a sad reality here. We will see if our doctor or the sonogram technician will give us a hint without actually telling us.

5. And the last question, I know many of you are wondering, but only a few of you are brave enough to ask: Was this planned?

I don’t know how everyone goes about trying to plan his or her family, but for Ryan and me, we definitely both imagined our first child would come to us through adoption. After our home study we were floored at how long the wait might potentially take, esp when we were thinking about adopting from Bulgaria. We had also gotten to a place in our relationship and life where we began to really long to bring children into our family and into our love for one another. Because the Bulgaria wait was around 3 years we decided we would try for a biological baby, then we switched programs to Madagascar and we didn’t change anything. So there you go. Planned, yet still a little unplanned.

And lastly, just a little side note/thought J

Of course many more of you have had children the old-fashioned biological way vs the adoption way and so it is just easier to understand for most of you. However, the way in which a child comes into a family is always a miracle and although different still very much a blessing ONLY from God. Although the time-line for our biological baby is a bit more tangible, we are still counting down and longing for the day when both of our babies our in our home and we can’t wait to celebrate this

An Adoption Change...

2013-01-08T06:57:00.002-08:00

If you have kept up with this blog, you know that a few months ago Ryan and I got some discouraging news about our adoption process. We found out that the process for adopting from Bulgaria was going to take at least 3 years, maybe more. We were devastated, you can read about it here.

The main reason we had chosen Bulgaria is that our options were pretty limited due to the fact that we live overseas. It is hard to find a reputable agency that will work with you and countries that are willing to adopt to Americans living outside of America. It came down to two options for us, Bulgaria or Ethiopia.

I'm gonna be real with you here. Our initial preference was Ethiopia. It seemed right for us. However, we were concerned and fearful about what it would mean to raise a child from Africa in India. The belief that white is beautiful/good, black is ugly/bad is a sad reality we deal with daily among Indians. Ryan and I struggled with what to do. We emailed with friends who live in India and are adopting from Ethiopia, we talked with friends in America who have kids from Africa, we analyzed, analyzed, analyzed. And I am glad we did. After we analyzed our hearts out we decided we should just go with Bulgaria, we decided to play it safe.... in a way.

Then we found out about the wait for Bulgaria.

Then we listened to some sermons from the Stone (our church in America) and we felt convicted.

Not convicted on our own racism, although I think all of us are prone to our own forms of racism. But, convicted that we were letting the views of Indian culture speak loudly into how we would grow our family.

Not to mention as we have grown in language and understanding of culture here, we realize we will always be misunderstood. We are different. So we adopt from Africa...we will just be more different.

So the big news is.... we are adopting from Ethiopia! We are really excited!

How long will it take, you ask. Probably a year and a half, but in the world of adoption, those projected time lines can easily change.

Please pray for the last bit of our home study paperwork. I feel like so many people we know are flying through their home study stuff, yet ours drags on and on. Mainly due to lack of electricity, random issues of living in India, ect.... So please pray for Gods favor and speed for these last few documents (on the home study front). There will still be more to come after that. Adoption is a marathon, but one we are excited to be running :)

2012 Review

2013-01-03T11:28:00.002-08:00

Wow, I can't believe this year is over. It has been a very different year than I expected. Last year I wrote this, so I thought I would do it again. Hope you enjoy a little overview of my year.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you have never done before?

-lived with a Muslim Indian family of 8 in a 2 room house
-bought a scooter
-had a washing machine(first time in married life)
-got my nose pierced
-rode an elephant in the jungle
-lived over 8 months in a city where Ryan and I are the only westerners

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions and will you make more for this year?

-Ummm, not really a new year's resolution kinda girl, so nope didn't keep them and nope won't make more this year. I think there is a lot of wisdom in what this guy says about resolutions.

3. What countries did you visit?

-Thailand twice. Once for a language learning training(outside of Bangkok) and once for a conference(outside of Chaing Mai).

4. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

- deeper friendships with Indian women
- a generator for the hot summer to keep from melting!!
- babies...

5. What dates will remain etched in your memory from 2012 and why? There are so many, but here are a few that stand out right now.

- March
the day the mother in our bonding family took my face in her hands and told me they would be my family on Easter, because I was missing my family so much

-April
the day we finally found a flat to live in! after searching for a month, I thought we would never find a place

we went to a two week language learning training. it was amazing, i learned so much more than just a method to learn a new language. it was refreshing and inspiring. unfortunately, Ryan got some crazy rash on the back of his leg...!

-June
we had some friends come spend some time in our city checking out if they wanted to move here. it was so fun showing them around and spending time with people from our church, even if it was blazing hot!

-July
went back to Thailand and got to meet a lot of new people and spend time with friends from PA. was so fun to catch up with them.

- August
Rhett came to India!! our first family member to come visit us. it was awesome because he is a pretty awesome guy, we are trying to get him to come back permanently!

our first Ramadan. we had a great time breaking the fast with friends. so many people were so inviting, i don't think i cooked dinner one time that month ;)

our first Eid. this is the festival at the end of Ramadan. again, so much fun with friends and SO.MUCH.FOOD!

-September
our friends that live in our city had their first born son in America. he only lived a few minutes before going to be with Jesus. it was so hard to be so far from them on that day, but i will always remember hearing the news while sitting in a hotel in delhi. you can read about their journey here.

-October
after a year of not seeing each other, my Mom came to India! oh my goodness, my heart was so happy. i loved every second of her being here. i didn't want her to leave, but was oh so thankful for the time she was here.

going to a wedding with our neighbors. it was the most fun day we have had in India. we spent the day(in between the important wedding stuff) playing at the Ganges with our friends. so fun!

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

-...umm we passed our home study. that was a GREAT achievement that brings us one step closer to baby Hartsfield.

7. What was your biggest failure?

-this question is tricky. there is a lot this past year that i have felt like a failure in. my biggest regret, not sure i would call it a failure, because failure seems so final, is that i was/still am so timid to put myself out there in trying to speak Hindi/Urdu. i have this gross tendency to want to look smart and that has caused me to not try to speak knowing i will look dumb. pride and fear....gross combination, i know.

8. Did you suffer illness or injury?

-had some stomach illnesses, but hey that is life in India...right?

9. What was the best thing you bought?

-washing machine :) so boring, huh?
-scooter, it is so much easier and faster to get places now. i do have a love/hate relationship with the scooter. i didn't know you could have so much fun and feel so freaked out at the same time. traffic in india is crazy.
-vegetable chopper, seriously it makes chopping veggies so much better....
-microwave. the convection kind that you can make cookies in. we don't have an oven, so this was a great purchase

i see a household item theme....i feel old...

10. Where did most of your money go?

-adoption
-to the above items
-plane tickets, train tickets
-a deposit on our apartment

11. What did you get really excited about?

-adoption and getting closer to bringing our little one home, even thought the paper work feels never ending....
-being able to understand and communicate deeper things with friends here in a their language. being able to understand their stories
-monsoon season...the summer was hot yall!

12. What song will always remind you of 2012?

-"For Your Splendor" by Christy Nockels. this year was extremely challenging personally and for friends in our life. this song continuously spoke to me in a deep way.
- "Some Nights" by Fun. this was our pump ourselves up song. so much time spent dancing to this song.

13. Compared to this time last year are you:

-happier or sadder? honestly...probably sadder. the last 8 months have been a pretty lonely time.
-thinner or fatter? hmmm not really sure. probably a little fatter right now, haven't had stomach problems for a while :0
-richer or poorer? richer, baby!!

14. What do you wish you would have done more of?

-pushed myself to speak more in all those hours of language learning
-danced more with my hubby(that stinking long hot summer prohibits some of my desire to dance)

15. What do you wish you would have done less of?

-being self-critical. feeling like i should be better or doing better at language/adjustment stuff

16. How did you spend Christmas?

-ate some chocolate chip muffins then headed to the train station. we were planning on a 4 hour train ride to visit some friends, but it turned into a 3 hour wait at the station and a 15 hour train ride....dang fog!

17. What was your favorite TV program?

-i know we are totally behind, but we started watching the office from season 1. i love it. michael is so hilarious and i love jim and pam(like i wish we could hang out with them)

18. What were your favorite books? this year i had a bad habit of starting books i thought i "should" read and then getting bored with them, but some of my favs were:

-Jesus Storybook Bible. i know this isn't really a "book", it is a children's bible, but it is so good!
-The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
-Luke for Everyone by NT Wright
-Saturday Nothing by Josh Martin
-Speaking of Jesus by Carl Medearis
-The Furious Longing of God by Brennan Manning
-Anything by Jennie Allen
-MWF seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche
-Simply Jesus by NT Wright

I am currently reading-
-Tempted and Tried by Russell Moore
-Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parent Knew

19. What was your favorite music from this year?

-Andrew Peterson's new CD
-Fun
-Austin Stone's Christmas CD
-Christy Nockels new CD
-Chelsea Moon
-The Civil Wars,
-Gungor
-Phil Wickham

-i'm always wanting suggestions for new CD's esp since we live out of America now!!! suggest away.

20. What were your favorite films this year?

-oh man, we only saw a couple movies when we were in delhi. our theatre in our city only shows movies in Hindi.
-Argo was good
-counting down the days til Les Mis comes to Delhi....

21. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

- THIRTY!!
- two girlfriends from delhi came to visit for the weekend and we went to pizza hut with my language helper and her mom. great fun!
-got my nose pierced :)
- Ryan had some of my closest friends send me video messages for me to watch on my birthday and some written messages. he had them answer certain question about me. he then organized us to skype with his family and my family and he had asked them to answer the same questions. it was really special. so thankful he did that and so thankful for such great friends and family.

22. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

-i loved the opportunities we have had to grown in friendship with locals, but having a community of Jesus followers would have been a great thing.

23. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

-haha, bright colors. actually, in a lot of ways i just bought close quickly because i had to get a whole new wardrobe. now, i am more aware of the styles here and hopefully this year i can grow into my own American living in India style ;)

24. What kept you sane?

-Ryan-words can't express how amazing he is and how patient he is with me
-Family
-Friends
-Skype
-the mall with an AC during the summer when our power was out
-lots and lots of God's grace and remembering how Jesus experienced everything we have experienced

25. What is a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012?

- i can't do things in my own strength, not matter how hard i try.

Dear 2012, you were a lot more difficult than I expected and I am sure there are things that we experienced that may take many years to understand, but God has been faithful and he has given us exactly what we needed exactly when we needed it. Bring on 2013 :)

-

Living in the Longing

2013-01-02T09:53:00.001-08:00

Living in India definitely has its perks. The opportunity to learn a new language(on good days I call it an opportunity, some days not so much :/), new friends, a simpler life, yummy food, vacationing in places like Thailand, Nepal, and Sri Lanka. There is much about my life to be thankful for and much that many people would love to experience. However, one thing I was not quite prepared for in moving here, was the longing I would feel. The longing for things to be made right, for women to be equal, for kids to have clean drinking water, for orphans to have a warm blanket(not to mention a family who loves them!!). My heart has learned to long for many things while living in India.

Christmas brings out the deep, personal longings. In ways that make me want to not get out of bed and cry a lot. I know that the whole deal with Christmas is about how hope has come, Jesus has come and what wonderful news that is and the hope that he is coming again brings even greater joy. Yet we live in the in between. Oh that in between time, I feel like I am always talking about it, always thinking about how it is a beautiful yet dreadful time, full of hope and full of longing.

This Christmas there were deeper longings than I have felt in a long time. This is not my first Christmas away from family or in a different country, but this year it just felt deeper. I long to cuddle up on the couch with my nephew and watch "It's a Wonderful Life" or who am I kidding, that would probably be boring to him(he's only 4). Anyways, he would pick a Christmas moving and we would snuggle on my Mom's couch and drink hot chocolate and eat chocolate chip cookies. I long to sing Christmas carols with my Memee. She always wanted to sing Christmas carols on Christmas eve and it was always awkward trying to sing acapella when we are not exactly a musical family. But, I would hold her hand and sing my heart out and she would tell me I am the best singer she has ever heard. And she would mean it. I long to help my brother set up all the toys for Christmas morning for my nephew. I know he hates all the instructions on how to put those toys together and I would help him..err Ryan would do it and I would keep them company. I long to sit around that big wooden table Ryan's Dad made for his Mom so many years ago. We would talk about marriage, relationships, intimacy, and how aloneness is so bad. I would even drink a little coffee along with everyone else this year. Then I would ask my bro-in-law question after question about girls in his life and he would pretend like it annoys him, but I know he likes it. I long to sit around my Mom's house with some of my best girlfriends. Hold their new babies, talk about husbands or boyfriends or how guys are jerks, and how much life has changed in the last year, and remember how we are best friends because even if we don't see each other or even talk that much (because lets be honest, I am a horrible long distance friend) it is so easy to pick back up. My heart longs....

I used to think longing was a bad thing. I thought that if you were really walking with God then you should always feel content and that longing meant you probably had some kind of sin in your life or something. I don't believe that anymore. We are living in the longing time. That is what Christmas is all about that Jesus came into the world and we are longing for him to come back. So Christmas looked really different and not really in a good way, but thats okay. This year I grab that cup of longing and take it in both of my hands and drink deeply, because in the longing we remember we are still alive. Our work here is not finished. One day it will be and we will no longer live in the longing, but for now we do and we say, "Come Lord Jesus, come".

Joy and Courage

2012-12-03T10:28:00.001-08:00

I like to write, I like to share my thoughts on here and honestly I like to get feedback. Maybe it is because I am living with my husband as the only westerners in a city of 5 million and I want some kinda of camaraderie that comes from this blog, or maybe I just like attention... Anyways, there are times when blog posts or ideas float around in my head for awhile. They are usually about what I am learning at the time.

This is one of those posts. It has taken me a long time to write because although I hope I am learning these things, I am a slow learner which leads me to think I am not actually learning. I don't want to be a fraud or a fake, but then I thought, "we are all walking and stumbling and trying again, that is why Jesus is so beautiful and grace is so amazing."

There are two words that I have been praying over my life right now. I've never really done that before, but these words keep coming up in my mind and so I think it is most likely from God. I also find the opposite of these two words chasing after me, so the best thing I know to do is either pray or eat chocolate and cry. Sometimes, I do both or all three.

I long to be full of two things right now:

Joy and Courage

Joy and Courage

Joy and Courage

Still working out what that means everyday. How do you live with joy when things don't go the way you planned or expected? How do you live with joy when people around you are suffering and hopeless? What does it mean to be full of courage? How do you walk in courage and humility?

These are the things floating around in my head and heart. These are the things God is working out in me. I wish I could wrap this blog up with a nice ending, but there is no ending right now. We are in the waiting...in the learning...and that is an okay place to be.

Come, Lord Jesus and bring your Kingdom!

PS: I wish I had some cool art work to hang on my walls with the words Joy and Courage. Any ideas?

Clinging to Thankfulness

2012-11-26T06:07:00.001-08:00

More often than I would like to admit I find myself wanting things I don't have. Or wanting more of the things I do have. My Mom has left and with her leaving came lots of tears and that nagging feeling of being alone. Not that I don't have Ryan and not that he isn't pretty much the most kind, genuine, patient, and caring person I have ever met, seriously. BUT, we are made for community(which means multiple people) and there was something about having my Mom close by that made life a little more comfortable. Someone else's shoulder to cry on and help me process my craziness/insecurities. It's not really fair that usually R has to do this alone(poor guy!), so it was awesome having both of my favorites living under the same roof!

The night before my Mom left, I found myself wide awake thinking about our month together. The thought of waiting another year before being with my Mom again began to weigh heavily on my heart. I could feel that burning in my throat that comes before the tears so I started praying. God began to speak to my heart there in that hotel room in Delhi. I am not sure if I have always been like this, or if just lately I have had the tendency to dwell on the difficult. Ugh, pessimist! I dwell on how hard life is, how much I miss my friends and family, how much I miss Mexican food, ect. I have forgotten to remember(is that a weird sentence..."forgotten to remember") all the good things that God has done. I guess that is why over and over the scriptures constantly call us to remember the things God has done for his people. In light of that, I am clinging to thankfulness. I want to remember! Here are some of the things I am thankful for(some serious, some not so serious).

1. I am thankful for my Mom being here to help us get our house ready for our home study(cleaning and decorating) and thankful for her presence and comfort when we found out the wait is going to be much longer than we expected.

2. I am thankful for the first time my Mom tried on Indian cloths. It consisted of us both almost on the floor of the dressing room laughing because the pants were so huge on her.

3. I am thankful for our hours upon hours of Facebook stalking together. Ah, Facebook, what would we do without you?

4. I am thankful my Mom got to meet all our friends and how special she became to them.

5. I am thankful that my Mom has walked the streets we walk, rode the rickshaws we ride, and eaten the food we eat. She understands where we live now.

6. I am thankful she washed our dishes...EVERY day!

7. I am thankful she was able to stay a whole month. I mean who really gets to do that and still keep their job??

8. I am thankful she got to go to a wedding with us and experience our favorite day with our Indian friends.

9. I am thankful that on that same day, when I put her on a motorcycle with some guy that I don't know, she ended up at that wedding in one piece :)

10. I am thankful she was healthy the whole time she was here...unfortunately she wasn't when she got home. But, thankful she had her bathroom with her western toilet to be sick in. Ugh, horrible!

11. I am thankful that although there were mice in her presence at different times(i.e. in the same room), she was unaware they were close by. :)

12. I am thankful she has such an adventurous spirit and is willing to try almost anything.

I could go on and on but most of all:

13. I am so thankful to have a Mom that loves so unconditionally, is continuously encouraging, and is one of the best listeners I know.

Although my emotions tempt me to forget, I am praying God gives me the strength to cling to thankfulness.

The day we went to a wedding in a village

2012-11-14T10:50:00.002-08:00

We went to our first village wedding a week or so ago. Weddings here are a huge undertaking. Lots of money is spent on food, dowry, cloths, jewelry, ect. I decided instead of trying to write about it, I would post a photo blog. So here is the wedding day in pictures:

The girl in the corner is the bride. Mom got to ride to the village on the back of a motorcycle, while I walked. This was before I arrived. For most of the day, the bride sat in this corner as different women came in to see her. Half way through the day, she turned and faced the wall with her back to all the women. She told me she was very nervous about the day. Her eyes were constantly on the verge of tears.

Men cooking lots of tandoori roti(bread that is made in a clay pit type thing). Hundreds of guests came and ate for the wedding.

Eating buffalo, bread, and rice(so tasty!) My friends also made me wear this bring lipstick, apparently my make-up was lacking a bit.

The groom arriving on a horse. He is covered in flowers and surrounded by drums and his family, announcing his coming.

The man with the short beard is our neighbor who invited us to his distant relative's daughter's wedding.

The groom's family and guy friends are wearing the orange scarves. They meet the bride's family and place flowers around their necks.

Exchanging greetings and flowers.

The groom on his decorated horse.

Everyone eagerly watching the groom's arrival.

Mom and I were given flowers.

The groom.

Our neighbor's son and his cousin.

Some dressed up cuties on the groom's side.

The groom surrounded by women in his family and gifts.

The Mullah(a muslim man educated in Islamic law and theology) performing the Nikah(the wedding ceremony) with the groom.

Mom and me :)

The Mullah performs the Nikah separately with the bride. She is behind the sheet.

Men in with the groom.

The Mullah recited the Quran in the groom's room.

Men listening to the Mullah reciting the Quran.

There is a huge break here (maybe 2 hours), in which we went to the Ganges river with the family who invited us. That is a blog post all on it's own. Ryan and I would both rate that experience as the most fun we have had with an Indian family here. Such a fun time. So after playing at the river for a while, we returned as the bride was getting ready to leave. I think the bride was getting ready during the time we were gone.

In Indian culture almost all weddings are arranged. This means that a girl is leaving her family to join a new family that she usually doesn't know. She has grown up surrounded by her family, many times sleeping in the same room with her sisters and so leaving is a very sad time for her. The bride here is sobbing as she says good-bye to her family members. It was so sad.

The groom is standing in the middle with the black outfit on. He waits as his new bride clings to her family.

After a while, the bride was sobbing so hard one of her relatives picked her up to take her and put her in the car.

The bride and groom are both in the car, but at this point have still not spoken or seen one another. They will return to the groom's parent's home, where they will meet for the first time as husband and wife.

The car is packed full of the groom's family.

There they go, my heart broke a little for this young bride and she left everything she has ever known. She will visit her family in a few days, but everything will change for her. She will now spend her days as a wife and most of her time with be spent with her new mother-in-law and sisters....

I pray God blesses their marriage and their family and makes them a blessing to those with whom they live.

The day we went to our neighbors house to watch a sacrifice

2012-11-08T04:33:00.001-08:00

Last weekend in between having our home study interviews, we were busy visiting our friends as they celebrated one of the biggest holidays in the Muslim world, Eid al Adha. In India it is called Buckra Eid.(Buckra means Goat).

During Buckra Eid, animals are sacrificed in rememberance of God providing a sacrifice for Abraham(Ibrahim)'s son.

During the days leading up to Buckra Eid, the streets of our city where filled with goats and buffalo. In India(or at least in our state) it is illegal to kill cows so no cows are sacrificed here. We also heard about camels being sacrificed, but we didn't see any in our area.

While Rhett was visiting in August we met a family that lives across the street from us, and have begun to spend time with them. They are so kind and generous and invited us to come over when they sacrificed their buffalo.

They told us they were going to sacrifice around 9am and so we set our alarms and planned to shower and get ready to be there by 9. Well, around 7:30am the daughter called and excitedly told us to come at 8am. We scrambled to get ready as she called every 10 minutes or so telling us to hurry up! We walked into their courtyard around 9 just seconds after the sacrifice. R was pretty bummed. I was a little relieved that I had missed seeing this huge animal sacrificed as the blood ran around my feet. (Have I mentioned my Mom is here??) Yeah, I think she was a little relieved as well. Mom and I went upstairs to watch as the butchers cut up the buffalo, while R stayed downstairs with the men. The animal is divided into 3 parts: one for the family, one for friends or relatives, and one for the poor. By around 10:30am we were eating some of the buffalo.

I am an East Texas girl and have many close friends who are hunters, however, my Dad was not a hunter and I wasn't really exposed that much to skinning and cleaning of animals. It was a little overwhelming for me. Everywhere we went for three days there were buffalo and goats on the sides of the streets being sacrificed and goat skins for sale.

We did have many good conversations with friends about the meaning of Buckra Eid and we long to understand even more what this sacrifice means for our friends and neighbors. Many of wondered if we would sacrifice a goat. We tried to explain that we don't do Qurbani (sacrifice) because Jesus was and is our ultimate sacrifice.

One thing I really love about the holidays around here is all the hugging. In this culture, hugging is not an everyday thing(which makes me pretty sad), but during both the Eid after Ramadan and Buckra Eid everyone greets each other with a hug and greeting. I love it!

There are so many more things to say about Buckra Eid and our friends and neighbors, but I will leave you with some pictures....

Oh, btw R did get to see a total sacrifice the next day. He even has video if you want to watch....it is extremely graphic. The head of the family makes the first cut while reciting a blessing, then the butchers finish everything.

WARNING: These are GRAPHIC!!

Buffalo and goats for sale

Our neighbors courtyard after they had sacrificed the buffalo(see my Mom in the back ground?)

watching from upstairs

All the kids of the family(this house has 3 brothers and their families that all live together)

This is on the street in front of our language nurturers home

There is a tent set up where people can buy a buffalo and have it sacrificed there in the tent

The day we had our home study and our hearts started aching a bit

2012-10-31T21:41:00.001-07:00

We had our home study! On Saturday the social worker arrived, via Kanpur airport, around one in the afternoon. We picked him up and headed back to our house to start the weekend. The first day we went over a few hours of training stuff. Just general adoption info, attachment/bonding issues, sexual abuse issues, ect. Then we had the walk through of our house. I was so nervous about this part.(Just ask Ryan, I was ~~kinda~~ very hard to live with the few days before our homestudy :0) My mom and I had been in a cleaning, organizing frenzy. I have no idea what I would have done with out her here, she is amazing.
We live in a poor area of our city and it took us a long time to find a place to live. It is small and simple, but works well for us. We love the location, our neighbors, and our balcony, but I wasn't sure how a social worker from America would view it all. It turns out all my worrying was for NOTHING! He did his walk through and drew our basic floor plan and said everything looked great. That's it, no improvements needed, nothing. It was a little anti-climatic to be honest, but these days anti-climatic is welcome.
The next day we had three different interviews. A long one with both of us which covered every topic imaginable, including; why adopt, how we met, our strengths and weaknesses, our idea of motherhood/fatherhood, discipline, finances, ect. Then we each had a short separate interview with our social worker. It all went well and everything is good to go ahead in the process....

Then there was a major let down that we were not expecting:

Saturday night we took the social worker to Pizza Hut, because, well Pizza Hut is good. The four of us were just chatting(Me, Ryan, my Mom, and SW) about when we would return to America for a visit. We were telling him our plan is to go to the States next Christmas 2013. My Mom made a comment about us bringing our baby to America then. A few minutes after that Ryan made another comment to that effect. Then our social worker said, "That would be awesome if yall were able to do that but realistically with the country you are adopting from, it is currently a THREE YEAR WAIT." Wait, WHAT??? We were under the impression that it would be a year or year and a half...maybe 2, but THREE!! My heart fell to the pit of my stomach and my throat started doing that burning thing that happens when you feel like you are going to cry. I could feel Ryan looking at me and I avoided his gaze, I knew if I looked at him I might lose it right there in Pizza Hut. So, I took a few breaths and tried to pull my self together. Three years, three years, three years...it kept playing in my head, it still does.

So that is where we are, it looks like it will be three years before we get to bring our baby home. I hate that thought with everything in me. BUT, we will press on and keep walking towards Baby Hartsfield and pray that God helps us to have patience and pray that God watches over and pours his love on Baby Hartsfield as we wait.

Most of you are probably asking WHY? That is a good question and a hard one to understand. There is a lot that goes into it. Different countries do adoptions differently and if the country you are adopting from is a Hague or non-Hague country makes a difference(but that is all blah blah). So, the easy explanation is that the country we are adopting from is a Hague country and they have a lot of rules and regulations and so before a child is able to be adopted from their country an investigation has to be done on that child. They want to make sure the child is adoptable, hasn't been stolen or traffiked, ect. So, these are all good things that the govt wants to do, but they just take a really long time. And, we are wanting to adopt a younger child so that makes the process longer. There are many families wanting to adopt younger children so this puts us in a line waiting to adopt. Anyways, that is a short version...it is still pretty impossible to understand why three years.

Please pray for us as we process all of this. We are more excited than ever to build our family through adoption and feel confident with our agency and the country we have chosen that our child will come from. However, in our plans for our family we were imagining in three years to have a baby and be working on more...so pray God would give us wisdom in growing our family and pray he would help us to trust Him in all things. He is the only one who knows how long it will be and we trust his timing, as much as we hate waiting!

One way that God has really shown Himself as a good and faithful to me is in the fact that the timing of the home study and the timing of my Mom's visit were the same time. Her love and support have been so encouraging to Ryan and me through all of this. Not to mention, she is a cleaning machine! Those of you that know my Mom, know that she might not like to cook, but boy can she clean. She helped us(okay so maybe WE helped HER) get our house ready and beautiful. She is also a great shoulder to cry on. So thankful that God gave her to us and that she could be here right now. Such perfect timing!

This is going to be a MUCH longer process that we thought, we are mourning that it will be so long, BUT at the same time we are rejoicing because we are one step closer to baby Hartsfield!!!

Jesus is Beautiful

2012-10-14T10:39:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, Ryan and I listened to a sermon online. The sermon was about how Jesus is offensive. The preacher described how Jesus offends us when we are living against the ways of God. This offensiveness of Jesus leads us from living out of our own desires to live according to God’s desires.

Day after day we talk about Jesus with our friends here. They love to talk about Jesus. We do this because we love and follow Jesus and believe he is the way to God and to everlasting life. We struggle to tell stories that Jesus told and stories about Jesus (in Hindi/Urdu), because the story of who Jesus is and what he has done and continues to do shape our lives, they have actually given us new life!

In light of all of these things, I started asking myself, “How do I view Jesus?”. Is he offensive to me?

Yes, the things Jesus said and did and tells us to do are offensive to the desires I sometimes feel for my life. For example, the Sermon on the Mount: Mt 5:1-11

The blessed ones are described as:

the poor in spirit

the mourners

the meek

those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

the merciful

the pure in heart

the peacemakers

the persecuted

Umm, those characteristics don’t exactly describe my everyday life…. If it were left up to me in my own strength and power to be and do these things, it would be very offensive and depressing actually, but that is what is so beautiful about Jesus. He is the one! He accomplished these things for us and because of his love and the Spirit of God we are inspired and empowered to live like him.

The adjective that I have been overwhelmed with to describe Jesus lately has not been offensive, but instead, beautiful. For those who follow Jesus and trust in his sacrifice for our shame, he is beautiful. Overwhelmingly, intoxicatingly beautiful. He is good news for all people. The more I learn a new language and learn to share parables and the stories of how Jesus interacts with people, it is coming alive in a new way. Jesus is totally radical to every culture, because no matter how different cultures and countries may be, Jesus was always speaking of a different kingdom, the kingdom of God. I long for that kingdom to take root in all cultures. It is going to be awesome!

Jesus is beautiful. Following him, though not always easy or comfortable in this life, is the most beautiful thing.

Two VERY important people are coming to visit

2012-10-12T07:05:00.001-07:00

Two very exciting things are happening in the next two weeks:

1. My Mom is coming to visit us for the first time. Hands down, the hardest thing about living in India is that we are so far away from family and friends.(Ryan says Mexican food is a close second) To say I am excited to see my Mom after almost a year would be the understatement of the year!! I can’t wait to show her this new country and culture we call home. I can’t wait for her to meet our friends, ride a rickshaw, get new cloths, and eat some tasty food. I can’t wait for India to be a real place for her, not just a country she googles often to check the news to see if we are safe ;) She arrives October 19^th and will stay a whole month!

2. Just a week after my Mom arrives another visitor will arrive. This visitor will be here to do our HOMESTUDY for our ADOPTION! The thought of if makes my stomach flip a little and my armpits sweat. He will be here for 3 days accessing if Ryan and I will be good parents and checking out where we live. We are really excited for this next step and would really, really love your prayers for this time!! This is just one of the many steps that is bringing us closer to baby Hartsfield …… woo hoo!

The Day My Assumptions Were Wrong

2012-09-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

One of our favorite things about Austin, Texas is that it is filled with so many people that celebrate adoption. Along with all the great Mexican food :)

When we moved to India, I wasn't really sure what people here would think about adoption and how they would respond to us pursuing adoption. In the beginning it was pretty rough. Many people we talked to about adoption could not understand why we would adopt a child that wasn't "our own". One lady told me that she would take me to a Durga (the tomb of a saint where people go to pray) because when she had trouble getting pregnant she went to a Durga and then she got pregnant. I didn't have enough language at the time to explain to her that I had not tried to get pregnant and not been able to, but that adoption is our first choice. Or to explain that we don't pray to saints. Another man told me that we are much to young to be adopting right now. Surely, we could go to a doctor and he could help us. Again, misunderstood.

These and a few other conversations had gotten me pretty discouraged and I had decided I just needed to grow some thick skin and not expect anyone to be supportive. I wanted to protect myself from what people thought about me and about us adopting.

Fast forward 3 or 4 months and our adoption stuff is moving forward. A few weeks ago, during language, having kids(and our lack of kids after 3 years of marriage) came up with both of our language nurturers at separate times. Just as a side note, you know how in America it is considered rude or intrusive to ask a couple when they are planning on having kids or why they don't have kids? Well, here in India that is not the case AT ALL, not rude, not intrusive. In fact, pretty much everyone we meet as soon as we meet them asks us why we don't have kids yet. Anyways, we explained to both our language nurturers that we wanted to adopt a baby and we are in the process of getting a baby from a different country that will be our own child. I braced myself for the why, the confusion, the judgement ect...oh my, I was totally wrong. They wanted to know why and what exactly it meant. One of our language nurturers asked if once the kid was 18 they wouldn't be our kid anymore. When we told him "no way." He said this is very good, this is the best way. Our other language nurturer told us that she had secretly always dreamed of adopting a baby and was really excited for us. I was totally surprised and totally overwhelmed with thankfulness that God placed both of these people in our lives that are genuinely excited about our baby. A week later one of our language nurturers wanted to know how long the process of adoption takes and he wanted it to go faster. He also said he wants to help us in any way we need to get our house ready for a home-study. Pretty awesome, and I realized that God really has no desire for me to try to grow tough skin. Actually, Jesus continually had tenderness and compassion. I don't think he was much of an advocate of that whole grow tough skin stuff....

Update on Baby Hartsfield

2012-09-14T04:05:00.004-07:00

We got approved by our adoption agency and have been working hard at getting stuff filled out and sent in. SO.MUCH.PAPERWORK! So far we have been really pleased with our agency, they are really great at helping us and answering all of our random questions.

Because we are working with an agency that is in America they will send a case worker to our home here in India. He is planning on coming in mid October. Thankfully, there is another family in Sri Lanka who is also in the process and we will get to split the costs of this trip with them and potentially another family.

We are so excited and nervous about the home study. I had a little freak out because our apartment only has one bedroom and the home that our case worker comes and approves is the one you have to be living in when you finally get your child. So, I started panicking that our house would not pass a home study because we don't have a separate room specifically for the baby. We emailed him and he told us that is fine. Our living area is really big and we are planning on partitioning a part of it off as the baby's room.

Even though I was relieved, I have been feeling really bothered by the thought that we don't have a room for our baby. I had this "American" picture in my head of a cute little baby room...that is a totally different post I should write on expectations and things I think I need. So, yeah it has been a little rough for me wanting a "better, nicer" house.

In the midst of my "house is no good" crisis, a couple girlfriends came to visit for my birthday. They were awesome. They reassured/convinced me that my house is actually great and making a home for a baby is not about some cute baby room. Funny how quickly and dramatically I forgot that. Girlfriends who can speak truth to you are the greatest!

That's the latest on baby Hartsfield!! Can't wait for that sweet little thing to be a part of our family.

the day i developed a phobia

2012-08-25T06:11:00.004-07:00

I have heard that you really see what people are like when they are stressed or going through a hard time. If that is true, I have a lot of room for growth....

Ryan's brother Rhett came to India for the last month to visit us and of course we had to take him to see the Taj Mahal. It IS one of the 7 wonders of the world. We don't have the best track record in Agra. Ryan and I have learned that touristy cities and especially touristy areas are not our favorite places to visit. Everything is overpriced, you can't trust the people will take you where you ask them to take you(or at least not without first stopping at their friend's shop.), ect. Anyways, Agra has just not had the best memories for us. The Taj...AWESOME, the city...not our favorite.
However, this time our trip was so much more enjoyable. Travel is much better when you speak the language. We had a great time at the Taj and Agra Fort, enjoyed some great food, and all around had a good time.

UNTIL... the train ride home.

I can't remember all the details and wouldn't share them on my blog anyway, but Ryan and I had gotten in argument. The yucky kind where you feel hurt and mad all at the same time. Rhett had just finished sitting on the steps of the train watching the beauty of India in monsoon season, jamming to his favorite tunes, when a man dressed head to toe in orange gets on the train.

I notice him but don't think much of his arrival. I have seen men dressed like him often and I think he is a Hindu holy man. His presence on the train was neither out of the ordinary or alarming.

After a few minutes, the man in orange stops at our seating area. Our area has two bench seats facing each other big enough for three people to sit comfortably and then across the isle there is another bunk and a bunk above that facing us as well. Everyone is facing everyone, aka everyone sees everything.

I am sitting closest to the isle and the man in orange comes and stands very close to me with his basket. I see money in it, but am trying to avoid eye contact when out of the corner of my eye I see something move in his basket. Then I see black scales and a long tube like animal....it's a snake!!! Let me just pause here. I am not known to have any snake phobias, however the only times I have been around snakes there is always an escape route. Not today. Somehow in about 3 seconds I am on the other side of Ryan and whimpering, "it's a snake, get away, get away." Ryan nicely asks the man to move on. The man does not move on! I am sure he stood there for at least 10 minutes pulling out his snake and asking for money(in reality is was probably less than two minutes, but you know how these things feel). After, what seems like forever, Ryan aggressively stands up yells at the guy, "get out of here" (in Hindi) and all the other men in the bunk take Ryan's side and coax the snake man to move on as they stare at me wide eyed. He finally leaves and I proceed to the farthest corner of the bunk and cry my eyes out and every time I look up, I see Indian men staring at me like I have lost my mind.

Later after I have stopped bawling my eyes out, Rhett asked me if I was really afraid of snakes. Poor guy, after living a month with us in India, I am sure he thinks his brother has the craziest wife on the planet! His biggest disappointment about the whole ordeal was that the snake man moved when Ryan stood up. He was wanting to get all up in the guys face or something with Ryan. Boys are so weird.

I am not sure what the requirements to diagnose yourself with a phobia happen to be, but I am pretty sure I developed one on that train ride. I now hate snake with a passion!

Ryan has a much more elaborate story he has been telling our friends here in Kanpur in Hindi. In his extended, imaginary version he stands up and grabs the snake and throws it out the window declaring, "I would sacrifice my life for you!!" And I, in reply, declare him as my hero. Again, boys are weird.

When the rains come

2012-07-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

After a long, hot summer the rains have come. Ahhhh just the thought of it is refreshing and renewing. The summers here are brutal. Yes, I am from Texas and East Texas non of the less, so I know hot. I know humid. BUT, this is a whole new level I was not quite prepared for. Not to mention that the area of town we live in is notorious for power outages. On a good day our power would be out for 4-6 hours(in the heat of the day)...on a good day.. on a bad day or bad days...uggh lets not even talk about it.

In early May, our friends who work with us left. The circumstances around their leaving are and were extremely difficult, and our hearts ache for them. It felt like a blur as they planned to leave and tried to get all the ends tied up for the many months they would be gone. R and I weren't expecting how hard it would be for us after they left. It has definitely been a season of loneliness and reflection. And the heat, oh the heat. It made everything harder. We felt so tired, drained, and cranky with each other. It seemed that the weather was a perfect reflection of how I felt, dry and dusty.

We heard the rains were coming and we were excited. There was a buzz in the city about the rains, yet they didn't come. The humidity came and hovered like a thick haze over our city for about 2 weeks. Everyone seemed to be miserably waiting in anticipation. Our language helper told us God was angry because people were not walking the straight path(living right) and so God was not sending the rains. In some ways it started to feel like that.

Then finally the clouds burst forth and the rains came. It was glorious. With the rains came cool weather and cool breezes.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something extremely spiritual and healing happening in my soul since the rains have come. The roads are muddy and wet, but the rain is so wonderful. I love the smell of it, I love the sound of it, I love the way it makes the air feel cool and clean.

Is God powerful enough to withhold the rains, of course!! Does he do it because he is angry and wants his children to suffer, no I don't think so. Sometimes, it takes a dry season for our hearts to be ready for the rains. I don't really know why and I don't really enjoy it, but there is one thing I know. THE RAINS WILL COME. So, whatever the dry season may be, whether literal or figurative, there is hope because the rain will always come. Our God is good and I will trust that he will always bring the rain.

Aggies are EVERYWHERE!

2012-07-02T01:00:00.002-07:00

About a month ago, Ryan and I were roaming around a market that we often frequent. We were honestly feeling pretty down and out and lonely about being the only Americans in our city for a while. We did what we often do when feeling down, went and ate some ice cream. :) After leaving the new found treasure of an ice cream parlor(which we will visit again!), we walked to the road to grab a bicycle rickshaw. To our left, also standing at the road, was a group of young westerners.

*Let me just say at this point that we are weirdos. Sometimes at the mall we see Europeans and we just stare at them and discuss if we should approach them or not, usually we discuss it so long that they have walked away by the time we decide. Anyways, we are weird now.*

I nudge Ryan on the arm and say, "look!! should we go talk to them." As we stand there thinking, I hear a voice behind me in a melodic American accent say, "Hey, where are YALL from?" I turn around and see a man who looks like an Indian(his parents grew up in India, but he has lived his whole life in Texas) speaking to me in an American(maybe even Texan accent). I think I stare for a few moments in confusion before saying, "America". The rest of the group(there are 6 of them) make their way over to us and tell us they are also from America. They are studying for the summer at the prestigious IIT Kanpur that is located just outside of our city. If you are interested in learning about IITK go here. These people are SMART!!

The whole meeting gets even crazier when they tell us what university they are from.....TEXAS A&M!!! No way, that is where Ryan went to school. We have just "randomly" bumped into a group of aerospace engineers(and one literature) majors from A&M...AGGIES in Kanpur!!

There was also another girl with them named Victoria who has been on a Fulbright scholarship from Princeton at IITK. She is a civil engineer. Really like this girl!! Sad we met her at the end of her time here in Kanpur, but it is amazing how God puts people in your life when you need them. So, even though we just got to hang out a few times, I am so thankful for her! Hoping she will miss Kanpur so much that she won't be able to stay away to long.....

We all return to the ice cream shop to chat a little bit and reminisce about Chuys, Chipotle, Rudys, and other wonderful Texas things :)

Apparently, A&M and IITK have just recently set up an exchange program during the summers. So, we look forward to seeing who comes out here in the future, and if you are an Aggie you should look into it :)

Life is so crazy :)

Journey to Baby Hartsfield

2012-06-02T04:28:00.000-07:00

After what seems like an extremely long time of researching, praying, and emailing we are on our way to becoming a family of 3!! This past week we sent in our application and application fee to start the process of adoption to bring our son or daughter home.

We don't know a lot of details at this point. We should hear back from the agency within the week about if we have been approved. The director of the agency said our application looked great but our income looked a little on the low end. From an American stand point, I suppose it is on the low end. I guess we live pretty simply, but it felt really weird to hear because compared to our neighbors and friends here we have an over abundance of wealth. It's a weird tension....

So we are praying that isn't a hinderance. Countries have guidelines you have to meet in order to adopt, so that is why it could be a concern.

A few questions you may be asking:

1. Why are you adopting??
Click here for the details.

2. Are you adopting from India?
No, not for our first child at least. We don't think this is the best option for us right now. Also talk a little about that at the above mentioned post.

3. Where are you adopting from?
It is narrowed down pretty well, but still waiting to hear back from our application to be sure about the country. Most likely our child will be from the Balkan region.

4. Are you adopting a boy or girl?
We don't care, at all!!!

5. How old will the child be?
Since this will be our first kid, we are wanting to adopt a 2 yr old or younger.

6. Can you not have kids?
Honestly, we don't know. We haven't tried that route of family building yet... Ever since R and I were engaged we have felt like God wanted us to grow our family through adoption. This doesn't mean we are opposed to having biological kids, it just means we know God is leading us to this now and we try to follow him as he leads step by step. I'm really trying to not plan ahead of God, if you know what I mean!!(Not always easy, and I'm not even a planner!! I'm an ENFP for those Myers Brigs nerds who like to know that kind of thing, obviously I am among the nerds.)

7. Do we feel prepared for this?
Ummm, no way!! Did we feel prepared for moving to India, no way!! But, seriously we do feel like this is the time to start this journey and are really excited. I do feel freaked out wondering how long and how tedious this process will be, esp from a different country.

8. How long until you will get your child?
This is the question every parent would love to know! The website for our agency says around 18 months. There are so many variable to that, even more because we live in India...so who knows!?! We are praying it will be a smooth and quick process which in our mind means a year to year and a half. Don't know how realistic this is.....but it is what we are praying for with persistence.

So yep, we are expecting and we are excited ;)