Up and Down

I've Moved

2013-05-03T16:23:00.004-07:00

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this particular blog, but I thought I should make it clear that I've moved. Finally broke down and bought my own domain name. Surprisingly, it was still available! www.colterdiehl.com Check it out!

A Conversation with My Mother-in-Law

2013-01-28T19:08:00.001-08:00

So, I had the most hilarious conversation via text message with my mother-in-law before. She has taken to using Siri to dictate text messages recently and apparently with her German accent Siri gets confused because they turn out quite hilarious. I had read a few of these interactions that my wife shared in the past but had never experienced it myself. That all changed this morning.

She texted me to let me know that someone had tried calling her number to get in touch with my brother.

Necessary information to understand this conversation: I call her Mutti (german for mother) and she has deemed me with the endearing nickname Colti.

Her: Hi Coontie, they called for Zachary again. They just want him to check in if he needs anything. I did not get their number. Love, Mike T.

Me: Your transcribed texts are hilarious. Thanks for the info. Love you Mutti. Or Mike T, according to Siri.

Her: Thank you Galty. Love you. More tea.

Me: Keeps getting better. Galty and more tea. Make sure you read all these later. Too funny.

Her: I know, that's done Siri just not understand me cold tea. I am so glad this is kind of funny. Love woodteak.

We should publish a book called Siri isms.

Me: That's the funniest one yet. You've brought humor to my day.

Her: Maybe it would sell and we would make a lot of money. Have to go to work. Give my love to Dunny. Would T.

Me: Will do.

Her: That's good, quality. Anytime you need I love just text me and I will dictate Siri an email. Perhaps we can catch "laugh out of it. Period. More tea

Seriously. You can't make this shit up.

Let's Talk

2013-01-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

It has long bothered me that the two conversations topics that have become taboo around the dinner table are religion and politics. These are topics that literally touch every one of us in some way, are at the heart of most of the conflicts we see, and could each have the resources and ideas needed to solve some of our biggest challenges. And yet we can't talk about them because emotions run too high.

How on earth do we ever expect our elected officials to get anything done if we can't even have civil conversations ourselves?

I've been talking a lot about this with friends and family lately and I think a big part of the problem is that we tend to adopt the idea that we have the corner on truth and people who think differently than us are either crazy, misinformed, or just plain ignorant. I have to confess that I have been part of the problem. I am ashamed to admit that I once told a friend of mine that I believed conservatives were simply not as intellectually advanced as more moderate to liberal voices. That is exactly what lies at the heart of the great political divide with which we are currently faced. I don't want to be part of the problem any more.

I grew up fairly conservative. I attended pro-life rallies, I thought that homosexuals and people who got abortions were some kind of evil that I would never understand. But then something happened. I found out my best friend was gay. Talk about having your thinking challenged. And then I spent two years in social work where I was forced to face the reality that issues like abortion may not be quite as simple as I once believed. I began to understand that these types of issues may be more shades of grey (likely fifty of them, to be precise) than black and white. It's more complicated than drawing a line in the sand.

And I don't think Jesus really drew lines in the sand.

So, in trying to get to a point where more civil conversations are possible, I started analyzing why I had such a hard time with conservative thinking. I believe it stems from the fact that being raised in an Evangelical Christian tradition indoctrinated me with this idea that we had the truth and the only way the world would be saved is for everyone else to accept the same truth we did. The question I always had is, how do we know we're right? And I think this is the crux of the issue. Everyone is absolutely convinced that they have it right. At least that's how I felt for a long time.

There's something within our nature that propels us not toward people who are different from us, but people who are similar. I used to use this argument as a reason that being conservative didn't make any sense. My conservative friends and family simply hadn't had the necessary experience to bring them to a more moderate and liberal mindset. What a prideful crock of shit. I just exchanged one for the other; in my reaction against judgmental conservative Christianity, I became my own form of judgmental liberal. What I really think we need is more moderates on both sides.

Take, for example, my father and I. I have had a somewhat incendiary relationship with my father over the years, as is the case in most father and son relationships. There were times that it seemed easier to simply not talk about certain things with my dad because it only led to both of us being upset. But we didn't quit. And I'm so glad we didn't. As we continued to dialogue over the years, something happened. It turns out we have a lot more in common than would initially appear and I think we've both come back closer to the center because of our conversations. And that's what it's really all about, balance.

To my liberal friends, I understand that sometimes more conservative viewpoints can be very hard to stomach. I get it. When you are talking to someone who clearly believes that you are wrong and possibly even going to hell because of your beliefs, it can be difficult to maintain objectivity. But don't become guilty of the same ignorance often attributed to conservatives by not allowing them to think differently than you.

To my conservative friends, this country was founded on the idea that people could have the freedom to be who they are without too much government interference. I understand that you have issues with things like gun control and mandatory health insurance because that seems like government interference into private affairs. But please keep in mind that many liberals feel that legislation around social issues like abortion and gay marriage are also government interference into private affairs. Also, we're not all baby-killers and sexual miscreants.

I hope that at some point we can begin to trust that none of us wants bad things for this country. We simply have different ideas on the best path to take. But we don't need to be threatened by ideas that our different from ours. We can learn from them. Let's stop waiting for something to happen and just do it ourselves. Rather than waiting for congress to figure their shit out, let's model for them what civil conversation can look like.

Seriously, let's talk.

My Brand, My Plan

2013-01-06T16:25:00.002-08:00

2012 was a bit of a rough year. On a large-scale perspective, we saw another extremely politically divisive election season, continued unrest in many parts of the world, disturbing acts of violence, and endless fear and uncertainty about the future. On a personal level, I struggled extensively with depression, spent a week in the hospital, lost my house, and went through several career transitions. As I wrote briefly about in my last post, there are plenty of ways in which I could look over the last few years and talk about what a failure they were. In many ways, I'm sure that I have yet to fully deal with the emotional, spiritual, and psychological baggage resulting from the last couple years. As I was telling some friends last night, I feel like I've been working so hard just to keep my head above water. I described to my Psychologist last week the image of transitioning from drowning to treading water to slowly making my way to shore. I have been feeling like I can see the shoreline in the distance and it looks so warm and comforting. But it's been difficult to muster the strength to actually start swimming toward it. Just keeping your head above water can take all the strength you can muster.

I have an uncle who works for a Justice on the Ohio Supreme Court and he writes a weekly column for the paper. His last column for 2012 did a fantastic job of painting the dismal picture we have all felt recently while still highlighting the small slivers of hope we see beginning to develop as people realize the power they have to do good. We don't have to wait on large institutions to figure shit out. We can actually start living the change we want to see in small ways in our daily lives. That can give hope. I feel confident that we will continue to see the icy walls we've constructed that so often divide us begin to melt as our hearts warm to the idea that we all want very similar things and have similar goals, we just have to talk about the best way to get there.

But I digress. The point is, I've been trying to maintain hope as I enter 2013. I'm tired of feeling like the victim of circumstances and I want to take more control of my life, while recognizing the things that are simply out of my control.

So, I'm working on a plan. In light of my last post, I know that this plan may or may not work out according to my current understandings. Things change, and I've learned from past mistakes that it can be extremely dangerous to completely invest your hopes and dreams into one possibility, putting all your eggs into one basket as it were. I want my plan to work, but I'm also trying to diversify my efforts so there is a greater chance of at least part of the plan working out.

Anyway, I want to share this plan with whoever is interested enough to read about it and then share some ways in which I could use the support of my close friends and family.

The Plan (in 3 parts)

Part 1: Business

During my brief stint working in sales, I discovered some skill-sets I didn't really know I had and started getting lots of ideas on potential business ventures I could pursue in the future. I decided very quickly that I was good at sales and there were parts of it I enjoyed but if I were ever to make a career out of it, I'd want to be in business for myself. I have some ideas that I'd still like to pursue in the future, but as a start and a good way to hopefully help fund my studies, I've decided to work as an Independent Associate for Legal Shield, a company that offers access to consultation and other services from top-quality law firms for a low monthly fee. The idea functions in a similar manner to what you might call legal insurance, but it's geared more at giving greater access to preventative legal measures, like consulting with an attorney, having a letter written or phone call made on your behalf to resolve issues like traffic tickets, getting documents reviewed to make sure you aren't being taken advantage of, and the list goes on. I think it's a great idea with a lot of potential and something I think many people could use, so I've decided to get on board and try to sell memberships. This works out great because I can work my own hours, be totally in control of my own schedule, and potentially set up some great residual income for down the road.

There are other ideas I want to pursue in the future, but I think this is a good and logical place to start.

Part 2: Art

Naturally the greatest focus here is going to be on my writing. I want to get in a solid routine of blogging 2-3 times a week and begin working on the book idea that I've had floating around in my head for ages (more to come on this later). I have so many other writing projects I'm anxious to work on but I'm trying to take it a step at a time.

I also want to work on my music more, as well as start getting into photography. For now, this is just jamming out with friends and posting stuff on Instagram but we'll see where it goes. I also have this crazy pipe dream of getting into acting so we'll see whether or not something happens with that at some point.

Part 3: School and Career

I'm returning this semester (finally!) to finish my Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology. After spending some time analyzing what I want my future career to look like and what things would need to be included in order for me to feel fulfilled, this path makes the most sense. I can counsel people, which I love to do. I can teach, which I love to do and am still wrestling with the fact that I was not strong enough to make it teaching in the city. And I can write, which is clearly something that I enjoy.

While I'm going to school, I'll also be working for a tutoring company part-time and perhaps trying to get an online teaching gig to help supplement.

So, that's my plan, in three simple parts. In many ways, I'm sure I'm not doing some of this in the most responsible manner but it's how I've chosen to proceed for now. I have no idea what's going to happen over the next little while, but I invite you along for the journey if you're up for an adventure.

How you can help (if you so desire):

1. Check out my Legal Shield website: colterdiehl.legalshield.com Watch the video, do a little reading, if it sounds interesting and you'd like to find out more for yourself, let me know and we'll talk. If it's not interesting to you but you think someone else you know could benefit from the service, tell them about it. If you're not interested at all, we'll never talk about it again.

2. Read my blog! And tell your friends!

3. Follow me on Twitter (@colterdiehl) and Instagram (colterdiehl). I'll keep my different channels apprised of new developments as they arise.

I'm trying to build something here. Help me spread the word!

Planning Perspective

2012-12-31T04:51:00.002-08:00

I've been doing a lot of planning lately. And making a lot of changes. I think I've started to think about planning quite differently. I used to be afraid of making any kind of concrete plan for my life beyond the relatively immediate future because I was afraid of locking myself into something that I may have wound up being very unhappy with. I was laboring under the pretense that talking about the destination, or what I wanted my life to look like, would somehow make me willing to sacrifice anything in order to get there. I was afraid of being corrupted by the process and getting myself locked in to a lifestyle or career that made me feel trapped.

I have started to think a lot more about responsibility lately, about the sort of life I envision for the future. And that doesn't necessarily mean that I want a lot of things in my future, nice as that may be. I'm more thinking about the type of life that I want to leave for my children. I want to leave a legacy. I don't want my children to have to struggle. And I want to help other people who are struggling, who are born into situations that offer less access to resources than others. I've always wanted this but until recently just sort of thought that as long as I do what feels right all the time then somehow, maybe, someday I'll magically get there.

I guess I've been living in a fairy tale.

I understand now that I have to plan and work hard for the type of future I want for my children. So I've been making some plans. But that's been a little bit scary. Those of you who know me well are aware that my wife and I have had a difficult last two years, much of that difficulty stemming from my unwillingness to make a plan for the future, my fear of getting trapped. It also had to do with some of the plans I did make not turning out how either of us expected. It has been a hard road but we are stronger for it.

Growth can be a prolonged and arduous process.

Anyway, all this planning has me thinking a lot about what it means for a plan to be successful. How do we come to a determination of whether or not things went "according to plan". After all, a plan is really only our best judgement of how things will work based on our knowledge and understanding at any given time. Sometimes circumstances arise that we could never possibly have predicted and the plan needs to be adjusted. Given that, I'm not certain that comparing how things turned out to the original plan and using that as a metric of success is the best method for determining whether or not a plan "worked out". That is not an even comparison, it's apples to oranges. The plan was made when you were a different person, living under different circumstances, with a different perspective of the world. Things change. People change. Plans must change.

So what then is a body to do? Perhaps it is not about the details of the plan but the underlying goals and motivations that drive the plan. And don't get me wrong, I'm no longer an advocate for just not having a plan. That's irresponsible. I should plan. I should budget. I should think ahead, beyond the gratification of the moment. But I also know that I'm not trapped by the specifics of that plan because things will likely change and I will need to adjust my thinking and my plan.

But I hold on to my goal. I hold on to the thing that tells me what is important. For many, that thing is faith. For others, it is a certain set of principles that they hold on to. A set of rules that guide their decisions.

I have goals. I don't want my children to feel the crushing burden of debt in order to pursue their educational goals. I want to work less and serve more. I want to leave a legacy. I want to make a difference.

What exactly my future will look like I don't yet know. I'm working on several plans right now and we'll see how they all pan out. But I know that I get to be in charge of telling my story and determining what type of legacy I want to leave for myself.

And I'm excited. I feel hopeful. I feel alive.

I have perspective.

My Friend Hurt

2012-11-27T17:25:00.000-08:00

It's funny how we like to hold on to things sometimes. We never think that we would want to hold on to hurt or bitterness because what kind of life is that but it's so easy to get addicted to those emotions. You hold on to something for so long that it becomes a sort of crutch that is comforting in a rather sickening way. You find yourself in arguments about nothing at all that are stemming from this welled-up emotion that you just can't figure out how to explain.

We want to think we are gracious people. We want to think we're forgiving. We want to think we can be the "bigger person" and overlook things and just move on with life. But some hurts are hard to let go of. They sink their way in to the deepest parts of your subconscious and produce a chemical reaction that starts to feel good and comforting after a while. Because you know that's the one thing you can depend on. People may let you down and circumstances may get in your way but the one thing you know for sure is that your hurt will always be there to comfort you in the dark and stormy night.

Sometimes, things can get so dark that hurt becomes your only friend. You protect it by creating isolation and keeping other people from being able to see it. You become convinced that if someone sees your hurt they will try to take it away from you. And then you'd really have nothing left.

Some of my favorite people to talk to are recovering drunks and addicts. Have a conversation with someone who has truly hit rock bottom in their life and you will experience a level of wisdom, human understanding, and beauty that is difficult to find anywhere else. When you have reached a point in your life where you literally don't have a leg to stand on, you start to think about what's really important and you learn to have grace with yourself. You understand that it is not about the failures but about the many little successes that kept that failure from happening sooner. You understand that perfection is impossible but an honest journey is beautiful. You understand that there is more than your hurt to hold on to. So much more.

Hurt's not a very good friend anyway. It's mostly a one-sided relationship. It's bound to let you down eventually.

He Can't Do That to Himself: Why I loved Mr. Eastwood's speech at the RNC

2012-11-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. I'm really late in just now writing about this speech and if I wanted to remain relevant on this blog, I should have published this post a long time ago, back when we were still in the heat of election season. But I think sometimes it's okay to go back and look at things after they've had some time to sit.

There were a lot of reactions to Clint Eastwood's speech at the Republican National Convention this past year. I think the most common reaction was, "What the hell was that?" One of my favorite reactions came from Rachel Maddow, who was so confused as to how to respond that she simply threw her arms up in the air in exasperation, scattering papers everywhere. Anytime there is that strong of a reaction and the pundits are speechless in response, I think there must be something interesting that happened. I saw all these reactions on the news before I actually watched the speech. Only my reaction was quite different. That speech gave me hope.

One of the first things that struck me was that throughout the speech, Mr. Eastwood continually referred to the candidates as Mr. Obama and Mr. Romney. That showed a certain level of respect that is too often lacking in our current political climate. When Jordana and I went to witness the inauguration of the 44th president, there was a stain on the day that I will forever remember. When the 43rd president walked out on the stage, people booed. Say what you want about George W. Bush, disagree with his policies, say that he is the one responsible for the mess we're in. But say those things with respect. Don't boo on his last day in office. He was still our president for 8 years, and that's saying something.

Mr. Eastwood, I thought, displayed with ease the ability to disagree with someone while still showing respect. Sure, he said some things that were perhaps a bit off color, but he never came across, in my view, as being blatantly disrespectful toward the man he wanted to see voted out of office. He thought that someone else would do a better job, but he still respected the office. The same could not be said for many of the other speeches at both the RNC and the DNC and the countless political ads we saw funded by corporations with vested interest. I mean people. I forgot about that change in nomenclature. Still not sure how that one got past the Supreme Court.

Another thing that struck me about the speech was the way in which it ended. In the height of the election season, when the core message of both parties seemed to be that the country would go to hell in a hand basket if we elected the wrong man, Mr. Eastwood reminded us of the heart of what makes our country great. If we're not happy with the job someone is doing in a political office, we can fire them and hire someone else. We have that right and we have that ability. In the midst of war cries and rallying the troops of party bases and instilling fear into the hearts of voters in order to persuade their thinking, Mr. Eastwood blessed us with a light-hearted speech that made us laugh, made us wonder, point fingers and stare, and showed us how to maintain respect for those in office while remembering that we're the ones who actually hold the power. We just have to be willing to fully exercise that power.

Just before the second half of the super bowl last year, Clint Eastwood had this incredible commercial advertising for General Motors. While images of the last few years flashed across the screen, his haunting voice talked about how difficult things had been in this country but halftime was now over and it was our turn again. It was really quite inspiring. If you didn't see it, look it up.

As soon as the commercial ended, my friend Brandon said, "Someone elect that guy president". Perhaps that's not such a crazy idea after all.

The Authenticity of Experience

2012-11-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

I've been having a lot of visceral reactions lately to all things Evangelical Christianity. It's been difficult for me to determine exactly why that is. And for a long time I didn't really care. I was just so angry at the church that I couldn't figure out why anyone would choose to continue being involved with it. It was so illogical. Of course, it was also rather illogical that I felt so much anger toward such a large group of people, many of whom I had never met. What had they ever done to me? The strangest part was that I was so enraged that I couldn't even discern that I was really the one being illogical. My friend Nate was always so confused when we talked because he couldn't seem to figure out why I was so angry or why I felt the need to convince him that the church sucked. I couldn't figure out why he didn't understand or agree with me. Kind of funny, really. I was the one arguing against Christianity, not a role I ever expected to have.

I think I'm starting to understand a little more what my psyche has been working through. I've spent the better part of my life trying to sell something that I had never experienced. Over the last few months, I feel like I've been experiencing more spiritual truth than in the rest of my years combined and I haven't even been going to church or reading the Bible. But all the stories I've been told my whole life are slowly starting to make sense to me in a different way.

For example, the story of when Jesus is asked about the legality of divorce and responded with several thoughts that ended with the infamous quote "therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate." The funny thing about this whole story that I never realized before is that Jesus is being tested on his knowledge of the law and in his response says the law is not good enough. I was taught to take that passage and turn it into another law. If you make the choice to get married, divorce can never be an option. You must stay together forever in a traditional marriage relationship. Otherwise bad things will happen to you.

Those of you who know me are aware that my marriage has been in a very difficult place over the last couple years. Jordana and I are so deeply in love with one another but have encountered some real difficulties that have taken a serious toll on our relationship and our ability to function in a healthy marriage, trying to take care of our own needs and take care of each other. What I have come to realize in this season is that when Jesus said let no man separate what God has joined together, it's possible that what he really meant was that man is incapable of separating what God has joined together. Jordana and I are connected in a way that will stay with us forever. The bond that we share is not easily broken. It's not the label or the societal institution that we the people have created and are so concerned with protecting that counts. That's a man-made phenomenon. It's just one label or one form of expressing the bond that connects two individuals.

We are joined together by a love that is stronger than death. And that will not go away, regardless of what happens.

The bond and the love that I feel for Jordana are so much deeper than anything I thought humanly possible. My love for her goes far beyond my once-traditional understanding of her role as my bride. It goes far beyond the piece of paper we signed over 8 years ago that declared us man and wife. We are sealed upon each other's hearts.

These are ideas that I can now talk about with conviction because I have experienced them. My problem with growing up the son of a pastor under the crushing expectations that Christians too often hold for people in leadership was that I felt I had to sell Christianity based on a story that was not my own. I wasn't telling my story, I was using the story that was told to me. And that's never as real or authentic as telling your own. It's hard to speak with conviction when you're telling someone else's story. Especially when you're trying to convince the person you're talking to that a relationship with Jesus is a great experience. Only you've never had that experience yourself, so how the hell would you know?

I can't convince you that something is true. But I can share my story with conviction and talk about the truth that I believe I have experienced. I don't know yet what that's going to look like. Some in my life believe that I will come to understand all of the things I was taught under Christianity in a "new light" and all of those truths will come back to me with stronger conviction. Maybe. Or maybe I'll have some different experiences and come to a different conclusion. But one thing is for certain. I'm tired of selling things.

I just want to share my story.

My Tattoo

2012-11-24T20:27:00.001-08:00

I turned 30 this year, so weird. For my 30th birthday, my wife bought me my first tattoo, shown in the photo above. It has turned out so much better than I ever could have anticipated. After giving much contemplation to what I wanted the design to involve, I went in for my consult with the artist and simply told him that I wanted a polar bear walking along a rocky beach with waves lapping up on the shore and a mountain in the background. This is what he came up with, better than I could have anticipated.

I've developed a fascination for polar bears over the last few years. I've asked this question of new people I've met many times: "Who do you think would win in a fight, a polar bear or a mountain lion?" If you're sitting there thinking at all about the question, you've already failed. Obviously the polar bear would win, every time. Polar bears are some bad-ass motherfuckers.

While I've always been fascinated by polar bears, and really all types of wildlife, the polar bear took on a more prominent role in my life a few years ago when my friend Tara was in Oxford studying abroad for a year. She was having a tough time and I was trying to be a good friend by making her laugh and helping her to remember that life does not always have to be that serious. I really don't know how it happened, but one way or another I came out of that conversation with the nickname "Kojack the polar bear". That came to represent something in my life, the type of friend that I wanted to be.

As I began to think more about the polar bear over the years, it began to take on new meanings for me. Polar bears are survivors. They face incredible odds and one way or another they continue to discover ways to adapt and overcome. I definitely want to do more research on this but based on what I know, they are an animal that does not give up easily.

This tattoo, more than anything, is a reminder of strength and perseverance in the face of adversity. There are a few burn marks covered by the tattoo but one prominent one left visible as a reminder. No matter how difficult things become, no matter how impossible the circumstances, there is a way to adapt and overcome. I will survive, in the immortal words of Presidents of the United States of America.

I'm Kojack the fucking polar bear.

We're Not That Different, You and I

2012-11-23T18:53:00.003-08:00

I was on my way out to go fishing last Sunday morning while visiting my grandparents in Western Maryland (yeah, that's right, I'm getting back in touch with my hunting and fishing roots, maybe I'll tell you more about it sometime). Anyway, I was on my way out to hopefully catch some fish when I realized I needed to fill up the tank with gas. This actually wound up being a good thing because the gas station I stopped at also sold night crawlers, which were going to be important to catch bass from the lake.

As I pulled into the gas station, I realized this was the place I had previously referred to as "the crazy gas station". The first thing you see as you're pulling in is a sign that effectively encourages you to repent of your sins so you don't burn in hell. I'm sure this was intended with the most loving heart because the person who put the sign up just really doesn't want to see people in hell, but it always bothered me nonetheless. As I was gassing up, I looked around and noticed a few other signs, painted with the same crude stencils and the same color paint. Together, they painted a picture of a gun-totin', bible-believing, beer-drinking, Jesus-praying, conservative fanatic with a hatred for the government. One of the signs that particularly caught my attention called a local judge a crook because he had apparently stolen this man's property and made it public land. My first instinct was to think that there was a perfectly logical explanation as to why this man's property was declared public land and the man was probably leaving out a big part of the story. But then I checked myself. I first found it interesting that I immediately assumed that the judge, on the side of the law, must have been the more reasonable party and was likely in the right. I guess that's based on the view of authority I have because of the way I was raised. But what if I was raised to distrust authority? Or if I had a really bad experience with authority, like I lost rights to my private land by a legal technicality? Well, then, I would probably feel much like whoever was responsible for all these signs.

Most of all, I found it interesting and rather disappointing that I immediately got such a clear picture of and made so many judgements about the owner of these signs. I knew nothing about this person. I didn't even know if it was a man.

I finished gassing up and went inside to buy an energy drink (I know, I know, I just can't help myself sometimes) and night crawlers. I walked up to the counter and stood there for a minute before anyone came to help me (it was well before sunrise). A guy finally came around the corner and I jumped right back into stereotype judgement day. The guy had a mullet, tattooed fingers, and a sleeveless button-up shirt. He walked up gruffly, as I had expected, didn't say much and right up until I paid was exactly as I had expected. But then he surprised me.

"You check them night crawlers to make sure they's alive?"

"No." I responded. "I didn't even think about it".

"Yeah, just pop the top off there and make sure they's moving around. Yep, you're good. Good luck buddy, have fun!"

He smiled a toothy smile and walked away from the counter to the back. I headed back to my car.

I don't know why, but I was so stunned by that interaction. I grew up with people just like this so I should not have been surprised. But I've been away from that culture for so long that I had forgotten some things. I can only assume that he sized me up at some point just like I did him and made some snap judgements about me. City kid up for the weekend trying to get some fish. Better make sure he at least has live bait to give him a fighting chance. So he broke the ice, he reached across he aisle. He found our common ground. There are probably very few things upon which this man and I would agree, but at the end of the day we'd each want the other to have a fighting chance at catching a large-mouth bass. And that's saying something.

I continued to think about this as I went to the lake, got set up, and watched a beaver working on his house as the sun rose over the far ridge. There were probably a lot of things I had in common with that man. If you dug down beneath the political and religious differences (which are really just all about perception anyway; but more on that later) you'd probably find some very similar core desires that had simply found very different ways of expressing themselves. We probably both like the idea of living off the land, we both love our families and want to keep them safe from harm, we both enjoy the outdoors, we want a space to call our own that we can protect, and we want to feel like men. In fact, we had probably both had early morning experiences on the lake similar to the one I was having then. We were probably thinking about different things and valuing the experience in different ways but not many people get those amazing early morning on the lake experiences. Something happens in those moments.

The point is that ideologically this man and I could probably be no more different. And yet we can still find common ground. So perhaps there is hope in this world yet.

I watch the news and read about playtime in congress, political stunts that have nothing to do with the true good of the country, endless conflicts in the middle east; there are so many reasons to feel hopeless. And scared. And tired. Most of all, tired. And when I'm tired it is so easy to stop challenging myself to think about things and just surround myself with friends who think like me to avoid being challenged. And from there it's just so damn easy to blame other groups of people (conservatives, liberals, the rich, the poor, Jews, Muslims, Christians, immigrants, white males; take your pick!) We get so entrenched in our thinking to the point that we can't even talk about politics with people who think differently than we do.

No wonder Congress can't get anything done.

But then, every so often, someone reaches across the aisle and does something amazing. They have have a human interaction with someone with whom they disagree on almost everything. But somehow they find common ground. And then, if you're really lucky, they figure out that the other person is really not that unreasonable. In fact, they want very similar things but have some different ideas on the best way to get there.

I wasn't the one to reach across the divide this time. But I'm glad mullet-man did. And I won't miss an opportunity to do so in the future. I cannot sit back and wait for change to come from somewhere else. Change happens when people decide that change is necessary and they begin to live the change they want to see.

We're not that different, you and I. Let's find a way to bridge this great divide.

Trying to Keep My @#%! Together

2012-11-22T15:56:00.001-08:00

I've written multiple times in the past about how I want/need to do a better job of keeping up this blog, staying in touch with friends from the past, keeping on top of my personal task list to cut down on the clutter in my head, blah, blah, blah...

I've been realizing that I do a great job at expressing good intentions but not always a good job of actually delivering. This winds up in disappointment in myself and too often the hurt and disappointment of those closest to me.

But enough of that heavy stuff, I meant for this to be a lighthearted and optimistic post.

For the last 6 months, I've been trying to figure out how to make writing a bigger part of my life. Whether or not I have the technical skill and the proper background for ever being able to make a living off my writing is still up for debate but I want to do it anyway. Simply because it's something I enjoy doing.

I've toyed with all sorts of ideas. I ran ads on my blog for a bit but then felt like that was a bit premature since I didn't have that many readers. I started a second blog where I thought I could attract some attention in the marketing field and perhaps turn that into something but I just never cared enough about marketing to write that much about it.

Throughout all this, I've been struggling with whether or not it was even worth it for me to bother with trying to ever do anything further with writing. What would I have to offer that anyone would be interested in reading? Where do I have expertise? What value am I offering to my readers that will keep them coming back for more?

The truth is, I don't have much except for the random thoughts of a 30 year old guy whose life has turned out very different than expected. The truth is, I like the idea of putting my thoughts out there for people to read. I like that the thoughts I am sharing could mirror exactly the thoughts of someone halfway around the world, or next door, and we may or may not ever cross paths. I like the thought of my writing being in front of the eyes of people I've never even met. That may sound egotistical and maybe it is but I'm working on being more honest here.

So what do I have to offer? Not much, random thoughts on the universe and honesty. I've been trying so hard to figure out what my "voice" would be if I were to ever be able to develop a career as a writer. But I could never figure out what box I fit into because I was interested in so many things. I didn't know how to "brand" myself because there was no one area of interest that compelled me more than others, except for maybe the church simply because that has been such a big part of my life. So I'm done trying to make myself fit into pre-designed boxes. I'm going to build my own box.

I'm going to try something. I'm going to try forcing myself to write on this blog once a day for the next 30 days. Call it my first writing project to try to pursue an idea. I have too many thoughts floating around in my head and I need to get them out. So I'm going to put them (at least some of them) here, for you (whoever the hell you are) to read. Or not read. Who knows.

What I'd really love is to start a conversation. I've been developing this passion lately to see people talking more about things that really matter. Not just spewing the rhetoric that we hear all around us but actually talking as human beings, about things that matter to us and how similar those often are when you get beneath all the surface noise. So I invite you to join me in this conversation. If you know me, challenge me and call me out when you think I'm being crazy. If you don't know me, still challenge me and call me out. Share thoughts, ask questions, let's dialogue.

I wonder what happens next.

Walking on Quicksand

2012-10-14T16:16:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital this week waiting for my wife to get out of surgery when I was distracted by a young boy who was talking and playing games with anyone in the general vicinity who was willing to pay attention to him. After a few minutes, he moved over to my region and began playing the age-old game of having to stay on certain patterns or objects on the floor to avoid falling in quicksand; or hot lava as was the case with me, I guess I was more sadistic. While he was explaining the rules of the game to no one in particular and demonstrating his ability to jump from safe spot to safe spot, I commented on one of his jumps that appeared to me particularly athletic. His response was to look at me with concern in his eyes and inform me with a voice quivering with desperation that I was sitting in the quicksand and needed to move to the darker colored floor pattern. Naturally, I jumped up from my seat with no hesitation and relocated myself and all my belongings to safe ground.

We began to talk and he taught me all sorts of things about this world he was currently inabiting. I found myself fascinated by the power of his imagination and had all sorts of questions about where these ideas came from and did I have this kind of imagination when I was a kid? Was it this vivid? At one point, he looked with panic toward a woman to our right who had just stepped into the quicksand and he suggested that I go pick her up and run her to safety. I suggested that the woman might call the police to have me arrested if I followed that advice.

This conversation sparked all sorts of thoughts for me that I want to write more about later but a key one came when he began walking on the quicksand. He had just finished explaining to me that the quicksand was 100 feet deep and you sink like a rock when you go in so you can't get caught in it. Then he stepped on it and began doing a sort of irish river dance. Careful! I said. How was he keeping from sinking?

Apparently, all you have to do in order to keep from sinking in the quicksand is keep moving. Just act like it's not quicksand and walk right over top of it, that's the only way you can keep from sinking.

He tried so hard to get me to walk on the quicksand with him but I was just too scared, I said. I was bigger than him and weighed more and what if the quicksand took me down. Don't worry, he said. All you have to do is keep moving.

¹⁴When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them,“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them. --Mark 10:14-16

References from other religious texts forthcoming.

Everything You Own in a Box to the Left

2012-09-21T04:59:00.002-07:00

Let me start with a major disclaimer (despite the fact that my wife hates my ridiculously long disclaimers--just get to the point already!). I did not major in political science or economics, I really only have an elementary understanding of history and our system of government, I'm not an expert by any measure. I'm a simple 30 year old white american male who likes to read the occasional news article and tries hard to understand the world around him. The following ideas are solely my opinion and I welcome comments and suggestions, including giving me an education if any of my assertions are entirely off-base and unfounded. This is simply how I see it. And why I've decided I'm a Democrat. It just makes more sense to me.

Let's talk about taxes. The truth is that despite all the promises we've heard time and again, taxes will never go away, and will probably never change that drastically. The only difference is who is paying how much and what our money is being used for.

Under a Democratic government, we all pay taxes but the burden is shared. We are taxed in accordance with our income. If we make more money, we can afford to shoulder a little bit more of the burden. Our tax dollars are then used for lots of different things. The government builds roads, gives us teachers to educate and law enforcement to keep us safe, now (finally) is starting to provide us healthcare, makes sure that businesses in a competitive marketplace all play by the rules and don't cheat their way into success, gives us support when we're down and out until we can get our feet under us again, invests in small businesses, supports the arts and sciences, and pays down our debt so that we don't run into even more problems later on down the road. All of these things lead to more money for all of us in the end because each of these things contributes back into an economy from which we can all reap benefits.

Under a Republican government, the majority of the tax burden falls on one demographic, the middle class. People who make lots of money are given a tax break because hey, if they all have money, then surely they'll spend more money and make our economy better. It sounds like a nice idea but there are a few major problems with it. For one, it's often way easier for people with lots of money to keep it in accounts "offshore" where they don't have to pay as many taxes so we don't really get that economic injection that is promised. And sure, they have to spend that money eventually but that's an awful lot like putting all our eggs into the proverbial one basket. According to my understanding of investing, the best strategy is not to put all your money into one stock but to diversify your portfolio. Wouldn't that also make sense for our economy? Instead of putting all the money in the hands of a small group of people in the hopes that it will trickle down, doesn't it make sense to diversify our investments so that there are more ways in which the economy can grow? Why would we want the success of our economy to depend upon the spending habits of one small demographic? Especially when that demographic is often so creative with the ways in which they avoid paying taxes? If they're not investing in the economy now, what makes us think they will down the road?

The other problem I see with a Republican government is that once those tax dollars are collected they are really only used for one thing. Defense. Sure, they'll keep some other programs on board just because it would be political suicide but they'll slash the budget for all of them using the justification of "we have to cut the deficit". If the deficit is such a problem, why are we handing out tax cuts to people who have a million ways to get out of paying their taxes anyway? The one budget they won't talk about cutting is defense. Which makes sense because that's infinitely larger than any of the other programs in our budget combined.

Now, defense is interesting because at the surface you would think the only way it's contributing to our economy is by keeping it safe. But it's a lot more involved than that. The number of businesses in this country that rely on multi-billion dollar contracts with the Department of Defense is quite surprising. In order to continue keeping people employed they need to keep researching and making new stuff. In order to do that, they have to continue turning a profit. In order to continue turning a profit, they need people to buy their shit. Since most of their production lines are focused pretty specifically on conflict, the Department of Defense is their main customer so they need the D.O.D to keep spending money. In order for we the tax payers, who fund the D.O.D., to continue approving of the government buying all this shit, there needs to be a good reason. And a good reason typically looks like a war, or at least a small-scale international conflict. So really, if you think about it, this type of economy needs conflict in order to survive.

There are a number of problems here. First, this type of arrangement only keeps money circulating within a small sector of the economy. We don't really all reap the benefits as much as we do when the economy is more diversified. When more people have a closer to equal share of the pie in their hands. That's not socialism. That's just common sense. It's a competitive marketplace; it's a free market done in a fair and just manner.

The other problem is that it is an economy based primarily on fear. Again, for this system to work we need the D.O.D. to keep buying cool stuff from all these defense contractors. But we also need all the taxpayers to feel good about that. If everything in the world seems cool and all peachy keen, we the people are going to be much less likely to feel supportive of our tax dollars going to things we don't really think we need. Then we might start wanting to spend those tax dollars on things that would actually improve the infrastructure within our own borders. Or even worse, we might start wanting to spend money helping all of the soldiers coming back from these wars we've sent them to. Or, could you even imagine this? We might want some of those tax dollars back in our own pockets. In order to keep this tragic chain of events from actually occurring, we the people need to keep supporting and believing in the various conflicts in which we are involved around the world so that we don't mind spending billions of our hard-earned tax dollars to keep our defense budget growing exponentially.

In order to keep supporting these conflicts, we have to believe they are necessary. The easiest way to ensure our continued support is to instill us with fear about all of the terrible things that will happen if we don't do things this way.

Enter Fox News. And Rush Limbaugh.

So, anyway, that's what makes me a Democrat. I have no problem paying taxes if I believe that what my money is being used for will in some way benefit mine and my family's future, along with the future of my neighbors. I don't believe that an economy of every man for himself really works. We are stronger when we work together and share the load. And I think that diversifying the types of things we spend our tax dollars on makes a lot more sense and benefits all of us (except, I guess, people with crazy amounts of money since they can afford to build their own roads). I know that at the heart of conservative thinking is often a deep-seated distrust of government so let's not trust them with our money. Instead, let's trust the super-rich who will then trickle that money down to us. I don't know, I guess I just have a little more faith in an institution over which I at least have some control through the power of my vote as opposed to some guy I've never met and have no influence or voice with. But that's just me.

I certainly do not intend to communicate here that I think Democrats are perfect, I don't. I think all politicians (or most anyway) really believe that their way is best for the country but they're human and prone to corruption (an ever-present risk in positions of power). And I don't even really think that the current Republican platform touches at the heart of what it means to be conservative. If it did, I might have different views. I'm not even crazy about the fact that we really only have two choices in our electoral system but until things start to move in a different direction, I'm going to go with the party that appears to line up a lot better with how I understand the world around me.

So, yeah, I lean to the left. To the left.

I welcome all comments and feedback. Let's start a discussion!

The Quiet Revolution

2012-09-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

Four years ago when President Obama was still Presidential Candidate Obama, a friend of mine said something that I now think was incredibly insightful. We were talking about how excited we all were about Mr. Obama and how hopeful he made us feel about the future of our country. My friend Rick made the comment that he was actually feeling nervous about all the excitement. While he himself had a great deal of enthusiasm, he also recognized that our country was facing some seriously overwhelming problems, some of which had not even surfaced yet, and change was not going to happen over night. It was going to take a lot of hard work and rolling up of the sleeves in order to make the change happen. Rick was afraid that people, being fickle as they are, would quickly grow impatient and frustrated with the lack of change they were seeing.

Well, it didn't take long.

I feel like I owe my friend Rick 100 bucks. Cash.

I don't think President Obama was in office 2 months before I first started hearing comments about people being unhappy with the type or speed of change they were seeing. I don't know why it's so hard for us to realize that 2 wars fought for over 8 years with virtually unlimited blank checks drawing on taxpayer accounts leads to incredibly complex economic problems that cannot be solved over night. I don't know a lot about economics but I know that not once in recent years has there been a simple, easy solution to any of the major problems we've faced. So any solution is going to be controversial. And some people will not agree. But thank god we have some leaders like President Obama who can see the big picture and are willing to take a political backlash in order to accomplish something that they truly believe is good for the county. Like Healthcare reform. Or equal pay for women. Or saving the auto industry. Or ending combat in Iraq. Or ending don't ask don't tell. Or finally finding Osama Bin Laden. Or leading the economy toward an incredible surge of private sector job growth.

None of these were popular decisions because they were incredibly complex. Not a single one had an easy, black and white answer. They were (and are) the type of problems that require rational, reasoned intellect, and the willingness to take a political beating for the good of the country.

As Rahm Emmanuel said the other night (I really wanna have a beer with that guy sometime), any one of those issues could have defined an entire presidency.

President Obama took on all of them.

I only wish he would have bragged about it a little more.

Watching the Democratic National Convention this week has been quite refreshing for me. Actually, parts of the Republican National Convention last week were also refreshing for me, particularly Clint Eastwood's speech (I'll write more about this soon). As I watch various speakers get up to rally people on behalf of the President and see the videos that have been created, I'm finding myself feeling excited and hopeful like I did 4 years ago. Because as I'm listening to the speeches and watching the videos, I'm reminded of all the amazing things that my President has accomplished since he's been in office. For the last 4 years (and particularly recently) I've listened to constant streams of negative messaging from the far right who decided the President was a failure before he even started because they sensed the coming change and feared what it meant for them.

But all the while, a revolution was happening. We just didn't see it until now because it was quiet. Rather than wasting valuable air time with big empty talk, President Obama went straight to work, rolling up his sleeves and being willing to make unpopular decisions for the good of the country.

Change has been happening all along, we just haven't been paying close enough attention. Or we were too shortsighted. It's time we fix that. This is a story that needs to be told.

Hey Mr. Romney, I Still Believe!

2012-09-01T11:51:00.001-07:00

As I was driving home from work yesterday, sitting in traffic because of the Baltimore Grand Prix, I was listening to NPR and thinking about this country in which I live. At one point during the drive, there was a brief story regarding a speech that Mr. Romney recently made. He said something to the effect of 'hope and change were powerful influencers 4 years ago but if you felt that excited when Barrack Obama was a candidate, shouldn't you still feel that way now that he's President Obama?' I know that many people are frustrated with the presidency of Mr. Obama, and they have every right to feel that way (though I think much of it is due to misinformation but that's just my opinion). One of the things that is great about our country (as Clint Eastwood recently so eloquently reminded us) is the notion that we the people do, in fact, have the power to fire our politicians when we become unhappy. The cynics out there will say that there's no hope, there's no chance of us making a difference so what's the point in even voting. But I look at the often overwhelming roadblocks of bureaucracy in a slightly different manner. I look at them as a system of checks and balances for our stupidity and impatience. Running a country is a very complex thing and there needs to be somewhat of a difficult process in place for us to have a voice in order to make sure that what we have to say is actually that important to us. Much as I hate to admit it because I'd much rather be an anarchist, there has to be some system of order and organization to keep us all in check. The problem is that too often there is an imbalance of power in the opposite direction and it can become easy to keep people down.

But I digress. The point is that people have every right to think what they think and express those thoughts and beliefs. And I love that about this country.

But I also feel the need to express that there are those of us out there who still believe in the presidency of Mr. Barrack Hussein Obama. Some of us still believe that change is happening, it just takes longer than the general public (Republicans, in particular it seems) has patience for. But let's keep in mind that we've been fighting two wars for well over 8 years and we're still figthing them. I'll write more about that in a later post. The point is that some of us still believe because we understand that things are much more complicated than the black and white soundbytes we are given on a daily basis. We don't think it's a bad thing to have a president who is verbose and professorial and takes his time making decisions because he recognizes the complexity of each one and wants to identify the response that will be best for the country in the long term. We don't want a president who is "just like us" because, as Dennis Leary once said on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" we want someone who is much, much smarter than we are. We believe that sometimes a 2,000 plus page law is exactly what is needed to solve an incredibly complex problem like the current state of our health care system. There is no simple solution to that.

At least I know there is one person that feels this way, but if you allow myself to speak in the royal first, then it really is "we".

So yes, Mr. Romney, I still believe. And I still feel incredibly hopeful about the change I am feeling in this country. I'm not scared of the Affordable Healthcare Act, or the ridiculously ignorant nickname it has been given "Obamacare". I'm actually incredibly excited about it. The other day, I went to the doctor for a checkup and didn't have to pay my normal copay. Why? The Affordable Health Care Act. Some of us are going to be receiving checks in the mail in the near future as a reimbursement for insurance premiums paid last year that went over the limits set by the Affordable Health Care Act.
I'm also excited about the direction our economy is heading. I'm so sick of hearing all of the negative things about the unemployment numbers because we're missing the incredibly exciting things that are happening every day. We are on the verge of an absolutely explosive growth, I really believe that, but it's being stifled because of all the negative talk. When are we going to realize that our focus on the negative aspects of the economy is the exact reason the economy is stalled in the first place. The only reason people aren't spending money and creating new jobs is that we're all talking all the time about how scared we are. But there are those of us who are seeing beyond this. I truly feel a revolution coming. I talk to people on the phone every day who are risking everything to start new small businesses because they have a great idea, they have hope in our future, and they believe they can see their dreams come true. That takes hope and a ton of faith. I see companies like Zipcar exploding as people become more and more interested in conserving resources and getting on board with communal-oriented services like car sharing. I see neighborhoods taking on a more small-town feel with everything you need in walking distance, like the new Fleet Street Market neighborhood grocery down the street from my apartment in Baltimore.

Good things are happening. Yes, there are still scary things happening in the world. There are big problems. Everything is not peachy keen. But there are also exciting things happening. And as my wife has reminded me of late, what you focus on grows.

There is a revolution coming. And negative messaging cannot contain it forever.

So, yes, I still believe in President Obama. I believe that change is happening and things are actually a lot better than people think. And I believe that President Obama actually shares a lot of my feelings and beliefs about our country. I've been frustrated by the negative tone of both campaigns this year, but I understand it. I could be wrong, but I think Mr. Obama came into office feeling just as hopeful as the rest of us. But then reality hit. I believe Republicans felt threatened by this change and decided to stonewall it. So Mr. Obama became frustrated and a bit jaded about the possibility of finding unity in our country. I think now he's playing the game the way he feels he has been forced to, and that makes me sad. But I believe that he still has the same hope in change that many of us feel and given four more years, without having to worry about a reelection campaign, he could provide us with the vision and leadership we need to break through this barrier of negative messaging and embrace the new wave of hope and change that is emerging. It's still there, like we thought 4 years ago, it's just not as fast as we initially thought because it's encountered a few wave breaks along the way.

I've been sort of sitting on the sidelines for awhile, waiting to see which way the wave is breaking so I can decide whether I even want to continue paying attention to it. But now I'm choosing to jump in and ride the wave I've been feeling. This conversation is no longer something that is happening to me, I'm choosing to do everything I can to become an active participant.

I choose to hope. Again.

Church with Girl Talk

2012-07-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

For the first time in 6 years, my wife and I went to a concert this weekend. I felt like I was 22 again; it was amazing. I don't know what it is, but I feel like turning 30 triggered a second adolescence for me. Or maybe I'm just experiencing my mid-life crisis a bit early. Let's analyze. In the last year I have: quit my job, started a new job in a completely unrelated field, started smoking, decided to run in a race, thought about selling everything I own and starting over in a new country, and completely questioned everything I have ever believed in. Throw in sex with a blonde teenager and you have American Beauty Part Deux.

So anyway, we went to a concert the other day.

One of the several bands playing at what was actually a music festival was Girl Talk, whose brilliant mixes we have come to find great enjoyment in. Being the first time I had seen this musician, he was much different than I pictured him to be. But that's far from my point.

Before I decided to lose my inhibition and dance like there was no tomorrow, I was simply observing what was happening in the audience at this show. As the music played, people were dancing around, clapping, raising their hands in the air, and closing their eyes with big smiles on their faces. The scene looked remarkably familiar to what I had seen in church so many times in my life. Only in church I felt like I was the one on stage (sometimes because I actually was) and often was more preoccupied with what other people thought of what I was doing than sheer enjoyment of the moment. Was I raising my hands in the air because I actually wanted to show some sort of reverence to or celebration of God? Or was I doing it simply because I wanted other people to think I was really spiritual? Often it was the latter because I didn't really understand what the point of raising your hands in the air was anyway. What does that mean? I kinda always just thought it was something you did, never made much sense to me.

After observing the dancing crowd for awhile, I decided I was going to join in. And let me tell you, it was blissful. I decided to throw all my inhibitions out the window. Everyone around me disappeared, it was just me and the music. I danced my heart out, literally. According to my wife, elbows were flying and I looked like I was having fun. I'm not sure exactly what that means about how I looked to those around me but I was having a damn good time and didn't care. I jumped around, I threw my hands in the air, I got drenched in sweat, and felt some sort of transcendence that I had never before experienced. I was worshipping.

My friend Derek the pastor (I really like calling him that but think it annoys him sometimes) talked one time about a concert he went to and how it was the most worshipful experience he had. He asked why we couldn't have that in church. At the time, I was wondering the same thing. Now I'm wondering if maybe the church is happening all over the place and we're just missing it. Weird that I felt closer to some sort of divine experience, call it God, at a Girl Talk show than I ever have in church. I always thought my church feelings were real but I realize now they were manufactured.

Maybe we should invite Girl Talk to our next service. But people might walk out when he calls them motherfuckers.

I remember speaking one time about division in the church and how people automatically unite when when they come together for a common goal or purpose; like when I hugged 7 strangers a few years ago after the U.S. scored the tying goal in a World Cup qualifying match against Costa Rica. We celebrated and worshipped because we wanted the same thing. We came together in that moment of joy. After the recent shootings at a movie theater in Colorado, I've been thinking about the only two times when people really seem to set their differences aside and come together in common unity: in tragedy and in bliss. When tragedy strikes, scourging political discourse stops and messages of peace are broadcast. When bliss happens, like when a country wins the world cup or a big Olympic event, people come together to celebrate. But we spend so much of our time in the middle, fighting over insignificant ignorance.

I don't know anything about the people who were dancing around me the other night. But I felt close with all of them because we were sharing something holy. True and blissful enjoyment of the present.

Maybe concerts for world peace aren't such a ridiculous idea after all.

Good News for Whom?

2012-07-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

Let me start by saying that I've been reading two books by Peter Rollins lately, to whom I owe many of the lines of thinking that have been developing in my confused little head. Rather than try to pinpoint specific ideas he's written about that have influenced me, let me just issue this overall proclamation that his writing is heavily influential to my thinking at the moment. But please don't take that to mean that any of what I say below is in any way representative of his writing or thinking. He may have meant something completely different than what has been stirred in me by interacting with his writing, but I guess that's the beauty of art and perception.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this idea of "the gospel", the story of God throughout the Bible and Jesus coming down as God incarnate and dying on the cross for our sins. I was raised to believe that this was good news. Only I could never really figure out who it was good news for. The way I was taught to bear witness to this gospel was by instilling fear into the hearts of people regarding what would happen to them if they died and then delivering the solution. It was really the ultimate sales pitch. Point out a need (if you die without repenting, you're going to suffer for all eternity) and then deliver the solution (but don't worry, if you pray this prayer, you'll be able to be with me in eternity and then we can party together on streets of gold next to the crystal sea while the rest of our friends burn in hell).

When I was in high school, there was this big production that came to our town and was put on in the auditorium of our school. I'm pretty sure there must have been some sort of fallout but at the time everyone I surrounded myself with thought it was the greatest thing ever because it scared a bunch of people into becoming Christians. There was this traveling Christian production company that would go around to different cities, get volunteers to participate in the production, have a full schedule of rehearsals, and then have several nights of performances. It was basically a series of stories in which different people were engaging in daily activities when they died and had to face judgement. Inevitably, the Christians got to walk up this beautiful ascending staircase into the paradise above while the condemned unbelieving were dragged away by Satan. They really did it up too, with scary music and smoke and flames and everything. I shit you not, there was even a warning that this presentation was not suitable for children because of the serious and troubling content. Imagine that, a production about a supposedly loving God that was not appropriate for children. I guess we missed that part of scripture where Jesus said to let all the children come to him and talked about having the faith of a child.

I never really understood how this was good news. Good news should not necessitate scaring someone to the point that they have to believe the news is good. It should come as a refreshing drink of water in a desert of suffering. Or maybe it doesn't even require suffering. Maybe it's just good because it connects to something within us. It resonates with what we know to be true.

So I've been thinking a lot about this "good news".

I can't help but notice in reading through the stories of Jesus that the very people we tried to scare into believing were the ones who flocked to Jesus, while we were the ones who hated him because he was destroying our perfect construction of religion. We had all the answers, everything fit into nice little boxes. We knew how to explain all the problems in the world and we knew how to make people do things the right way. Then Jesus fucked it all up. Here comes this crazy guy living on the outskirts of society claiming to be the Son of God and he's getting people all riled up. He's telling them that they don't have to follow our rules because he's come to show us a better way. He's telling them they don't need our religious rituals because there is another way. Not only is he telling them all these things, he's eating meals with them and actually seems to like them. No, scratch that, he loves them. And they don't have to jump through any hoops in order to get his love or approval. They are simply so overwhelmed by his love and power that they actually want to change on their own. We can't have him ruining this perfect system we have going on. We've devoted our lives to developing this system, so what does it mean if we had it all wrong? We can't bring ourselves to face that. So we kill him.

I've long thought that this is exactly how things would play out if Jesus walked the earth again today.

The news of the gospel was not good for the church. In fact, it was downright damning. Jesus destroyed the religious system of belief so that it could be rebuilt on a more solid foundation. Only we screwed up. We went right back to our system of rules and rituals because that's what we know. That's the only thing that makes sense to us. We can't handle this idea of unconditional love and acceptance. There have to be limits. We have to show people what's right and what's wrong by withholding our acceptance. We have to love them but hate the bad things they're doing. Only it doesn't really feel like love to be on the receiving end of that system.

So, who was the gospel good news for? Obviously a lot of people. They skipped entire days of work just to come listen to him speak. What was he saying that caused such a stir? It seems clear to me that I've missed the mark my whole life because my understanding of the gospel never seemed like good news for anyone. It doesn't make sense to say that God helps to explain life because he doesn't, just makes it more complicated. It doesn't make sense to say that everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart that can only be filled by a relationship with the divine because the hole in my heart has only gotten bigger over the years. It doesn't make sense to say that we need a relationship with God in order to avoid eternal suffering because what the hell kind of God bases the need for a relationship upon fear of suffering. I mean, that's totally how I got my wife to marry me. Trust me babe, your life is gonna be hell if you don't marry me so you better just say yes.

Why is it that the good news I've believed in my whole life just makes me feel so bad? If this is really good news, then why am I not more excited about it? And why are people not lining up around the corner to hear about it? Why do we have to convince our friends to step inside a church building with us?

A truly good product should not require good salesmanship, it should sell itself. Because it meets a need people already have, not one that is fabricated in order to convince them that they need to purchase from us.

I have an inkling that we've got it all wrong. I have a feeling that the gospel message is not some nicely packaged product that we are supposed to convince people to buy into. It's not even something that meets a need, real or perceived. Rather, it is a terrifying reality in which nothing makes sense and your entire world is turned upside down. But it's real. And that's refreshing. It makes sense because it makes no sense at all.

And that's the truly good news.

Don't You See? I Sold Out a Long Time Ago.

2012-07-10T18:59:00.000-07:00

For a while now, I've had this idea for a story. There's this guy who works as a salesman. He makes calls, he goes door to door, the whole nine yards. Only he's not selling insurance or air conditioners or anything like that, nothing tangible. He's selling salvation.

If you were to die tonight, where would you go? If you simply say this short prayer right here and follow these easy steps, I can get you into eternal life today.

Ever since I decided to put ads on my blog, I've been feeling self-conscious and nervous because my whole life I wanted to avoid being a "sell-out". I used to judge bands whose songs I heard on commercials, I hated the fact that I was constantly being marketed to, even when I didn't realize it. So I certainly did not want to be the guy who just created another place where people had to be forced to experience the horror of seeing advertisements. But then I realized two things. One, we're all advertising something (I'll talk about this more in another entry). And two, I already sold out a long time ago.

I sold out in Sunday School.

From as early as I can remember, I was taught a very specific sales pitch with which I was tasked to convince everyone I came into contact with to believe the same things I did. The world is falling apart. Everyone's a sinner. If you sin, you have to die and suffer for all eternity. If you pray this prayer and change your life, you can live forever with me and Jesus.

And man, was I ever a good salesman.

I took every opportunity I could to market to people the message that I wanted to share. I sought out every form of advertising that existed. Gospel bracelets with multi-colored beads (no shit, each color represented a different part of the gospel story), a Jesus fish on the car, a plethora of Christian t-shirts with one propaganda message or another, the WWJD bracelet, the Christian versions of any band you could name, the Bible always nearby, the constant cheesy smile on my face to show how much better life was with Jesus. Whatever I could do to let you know that I was a Christian and would love to talk to you about Jesus, I did it. Yep, I was quite the corporate branding tool.

So, don't you see? I already sold out a long time ago.

Now I might as well try to make some money off it.

30 Year Old Sellout

2012-07-08T19:22:00.000-07:00

I'm entering an entirely new decade in my life tomorrow. That is really quite the thought to ponder. I've lived three full decades of life and am about to embark up on a fourth. Phrased like that, it sounds downright epic.

A few posts ago, I wrote about how I want to dream again. At the time, I knew I wanted to dream but I really didn't know what that meant. As I've been thinking about turning 30 tomorrow, I've been contemplating what I'd like my third decade of life to be like. What changes do I want to make? What goals do I have? What do I want life to look like at the dawning of a new decade? What do I want to do next?

It's funny that the last year has actually been one of the most unstable of my life, sort of like the end days before the dawning of a new age. I thought for a time I was losing my marriage, I was very depressed, I drank a lot, I wound up spending a week in a wing of a hospital I never thought I'd be in. I left one job and started a new one and then realized that my marriage was going to work after all. I thought I'd lost everything and now I'm working on re-strenthening the things that are most important that I did not lose. All in preparation for a fresh start in a new decade.

So I've been thinking a lot about what I hope that will look like.

I think maybe I got a small peak the last few days into what learning to dream again could look like. I want to write. That has always been my dream. Everything I have pursued in my life has really been with the goal of wanting to write as a major part of my career. Initially, I thought I was going to be a theologian, so I got a degree from a Bible College. When that didn't work out, I thought I'd work in the nonprofit realm, where I could write grant proposals and annual reports, as well as perhaps assisting in designing social policies. Then I pursued teaching, thinking I could share my passion for writing with others. When I burned out on that idea, I thought I'd go back and get my graduate degree in Psychology so that I could get have a career in academia, pursuing my love of teaching and writing at the same time. But I'm starting to realize why none of these things would ever make me happy. I don't want to be restricted to writing about one specific field. I'm interested in everything, and I want to learn and write about everything. I want to be a writer.

Now I'm a salesman, and I love it. Because I've realized that a job does not have to be your dream, it can be a way to pay for you to pursue your real dream. It's okay if you simply have a job you enjoy so that you still have energy and desire to pursue your real dream. Really, this is the ultimate form of idealism, recognizing that your happiness does not have to be tied with what you get paid to do. This is purity because you can pursue your dreams and achieve your desires no matter what your circumstances, you simply have to be somewhat flexible in your perception of what that will look like. You will find a way to make your dreams reality, even if they look slightly different than you thought. Maybe this is the first step in achieving the full dream of your thoughts.

I take incredible inspiration in this realm from my wife. When she was a child, she desperately wanted to go to school to be a Marine Biologist and work with dolphins. Unfortunately, she was told by many adults in her life that this was an unrealistic dream because it was very difficult to make a career that pays well in Marine Biology. So she pursued other schooling. But she never gave up on that dream. When we moved to Baltimore, we were surviving on my salary and she started volunteering at the aquarium. She worked her way into volunteering with the dolphin program in under a year and now, three years later, her job is working with dolphins at the National Aquarium in Baltimore. She never gave up on her dream, and now she's realizing it even more fully. She's working on a plan to complete veterinary school and work with an even broader range of animals. Even though it has often looked different that she had thought, she never gave up. She has consistently pursued her dream throughout all sorts of hardship.

So I'm going to pursue my dream.

I can be a writer, in this space. Perhaps it's fate that landed me a job in a field I never considered, selling marketing software that deals heavily in social media, because I'm now seeing that the very tools on the internet that scared me can actually be used to make my dream of being a writer become a reality. In this space, I have guaranteed editorial control and publication. Even if my audience remains my wife and close friends whom I force into reading what I have to say, it does not matter. Because I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. And isn't that how everything great starts, with a simple desire and the support of a few close friends? I'm going to become a writer, even if that continues to mean having a full-time job and writing a few nights a week and on the weekend as a hobby. I'm still going to be a writer. But you better believe that I will take every opportunity to move toward the true dream of my thoughts, which is to make a living as a writer. So judge me as you will, but do not be alarmed if you begin to see advertisements within my blog. Label me a sell-out, but if I can make money by allowing companies to position themselves in front of the critical readers of my blog, who have the ability to decide for themselves whether or not they want to pay attention to the ad, then why wouldn't I take that opportunity? It could be one small way of taking a step toward one day making a living as a writer. Everything is possible. Why should I not try to contribute to the conversation?

So, there it is. I'm pursuing my dream. I don't know what the readership of this blog will begin to look like, it may stay around my close friends or the audience may grow wider. Whoever you are, reader of this blog, I invite you to follow my journey and become a part of my conversations. Here is what you can expect from me: absolute honesty at all times without fear of causing offense or risking judgement from my readers, and thoughts about a wide variety of topics. While the majority of my thoughts, at least in the immediate future, will likely be around faith and religion since that is a big part of my journey right now, do not be surprised if I share thoughts in a post that seem to come from out of left field. I'm going to talk about whatever is working through my mind, so that may be all over the place for a while. We're dealing with years of repression here.

Here's what I expect from you, my reader: engage with me in dialogue. I do not want to settle for surrounding myself with people who think the same as me. I want to be challenged so that the ideas and beliefs I settle on are that much stronger. I want to take all perspectives into consideration. I want to be called out when I'm being ridiculous. So, I invite you, come on this journey with me and let's start some honest dialogue.

I'm looking forward to it.

Destroying the Temple

2012-07-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

I've been in a weird place lately. Things that used to comfort me now enrage me. Thinks that used to offend me make me laugh. Things that used to make me feel bad make me feel good. Up is down and down is up. Literally.

When I was in college, I took a seminar course from a pastor who I had heard was a bit "out there". It was a course on postmodernism, which fascinated me since I was a kid from a small town with a very limited view of reality. This pastor talked about how to truly understand God and to reach people in this era we have to recognize that our understanding of God is limited based on our background, where we were born and how we were raised. I thought I understood it at the time, but I really didn't. I thought I had a faith crisis at the time and my faith was stronger afterward but it was really just a baby step in a long and often dark and scary journey.

The faith that had reliably lasted me so long and brought me through such difficult times was rocked about a year ago when my wife and I started having trouble in our marriage, which in turn created conflict with family. Two of the things in my life that I had so relied upon as my foundation was crumbling before my eyes and I didn't know if I was going to survive. The explanation I've been told several times and the one I thought I believed was that I needed to be in danger of losing everything I relied upon in this world to teach me that I needed to rely on God alone. Bullshit. That would have worked for me at some point in the past but not now. I agree that I have learned some valuable lessons in the past year but I don't think it's something God did to me. I think it gave me freedom to question the very core of who I thought I was and thereby destroy those facades I have so long projected because I had to and become a new and more genuine person. My temple of faith needed to be destroyed so that it could be rebuilt. I needed to die to the old way and rise again a new person. Perhaps baptism is not actually about dying to your "sinful" self, but dying to the old way of thinking that you have been taught about God and rise again in a new dawn of understanding. Perhaps the people that I always thought were "out there" and crazy actually had it right all along. Perhaps they were simply living in the new age while I was still living in the old one.

Throughout my life, I have progressively allowed myself to ask more and more questions about my faith but have always kept limitations. The core foundation of my faith may have been getting smaller and smaller over the years, but there was always something there. I always had some nugget of the faith I was raised in that I would never question. A couple years ago I was down to "I believe in God and the creation story and that the Bible is his inspired word and that he sent his son Jesus to pay the penalty for our sin and show us a new way to live", everything else was gray, not black and white like I had always thought. Now I'm down to this: "I believe there is a higher deistic being that exists", everything else is gray. Because I have a lot of really hard questions that my old faith can't answer, like this one: Why would a God who claims to love all of creation and humanity only present himself incarnate form to one specific group of people, one specific culture, in one specific region of the world. And why would that same God then condemn to eternal suffering anyone who doesn't subscribe to that one culturally-specific understanding of him. That doesn't make any sense to me.

I've felt myself gradually coming to this place but have always been too scared to truly and honestly admit how I felt about my faith. Scared of what people will think of me, scared of how it might hurt people that are close to me. And scared of what God will do to me if I start to question too deeply. But, here are the conclusions I've come to. I want those close to me to love and know the real me, not a facade version of me who touts certain beliefs and ways of thinking in order to protect others. And a God who would punish me for asking questions is no god in whom to believe (capitalization intended).

So here I am. I'm realizing that my faith will never be real until I entertain these deep questions that are nagging at my soul. I would rather have a genuine faith than a faith without a true foundation, even if it is not the "right" one. That's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm no longer scared to embark on this journey and I am inviting you, my audience, whether you remain a few of my friends or grow to a wider spectrum, to embark upon this journey with me. I don't know where this is going to take me, but I'm going to write about it in a brutally honest way, even when I risk looking like a jackass, because maybe that's my way of having the smallest impact on a few people around me and thereby make something of a mark in this life.

I never really understood what Jesus meant when he said that he would destroy the temple and raise it again in three days, and I don't think his disciples ever really did either. I wonder if he meant that he was destroying the world's current and cultural understanding of God, as represented by the religion for which the temple existed. Perhaps he was attempting to proclaim a new age of understanding that we never really fully got. And maybe the transition into the new age is not instantaneous, his death and resurrection simply began the process and we are slowly starting to get what he meant, thousands of years later. Maybe, just maybe, to truly participate in the death and resurrection means to allow our old belief systems to die in order to be rebuilt according to a new understanding.

I want my house to be build on a truly solid rock foundation of understanding, not on a million particles of information that have been taught to me but from which I could never develop a proper foundation. My house on the sand will not weather this current storm.

Just Close the Deal

2012-07-03T21:31:00.002-07:00

After slowly watching the candle of my youthful idealism flicker dangerously for several years, I have stepped away from the path I was on and jumped in a completely different direction. I suppose the hope was that perhaps I could escape to a safer place before that idealism slipped away completely. So, I did what any soul in danger of such a thing would do--I became a salesman.

When I initially started out, I was surprised to find that the whole sales gig really came quite naturally for me; it was almost as if I had received some sales training before. I chalked it up to having a personality naturally well-suited for this field or simply an easy job for a social person to have. Then it hit me. I had received this training before. In Sunday School.

Let me outline the basic sales process as I'm learning it and the similarities I see to the "evangelism" I was raised to complete:

Introduction--that awkward time when you have 15 seconds to make an impression on this prospect that could determine whether or not you make this sale. You want to be personable and sound like you care to make sure that the person you're talking to feels comfortable, you want them to feel that you are genuinely interested in their wellbeing so that they will open up to you and give you the necessary information you need to make the sale. Of course, if you just happen to be a genuine person, that certainly helps.

Hi _____, I'm working on sharing some really great news I've just received with as many people as possible, I'd like to talk with you for a few minutes about your future.

Discovery--when you ask questions to get as much information as possible from the prospect so you can tie back to their personal needs and concerns in making the sale. This needs to be a personal process. You want to get the prospect thinking about things they are missing so that they are ripe for your closing when you show them exactly how your product will meet their needs.

If you were to die tonight, do you know what would happen? Do you know where you would go?

Pitch--This is where you deliver your message, tell them how the product you are offering fits their needs.

Did you know that Jesus loves you and has provided a way for you to live forever in heaven with God?

Closing--Get some sort of commitment from them, on the spot. This is where you use the emotion of the moment and the fear you've planted in them about what will happen if they don't buy your product and you close the deal. Capitalize on the moment.

Why not pray this simple prayer right now, confess all your sins and get rid of that guilt you've been carrying around for so long. Why wait any longer, make your confession right now, in this moment. Don't be caught without Jesus for another day.

And give money. May you find the joy in sacrificing financial gain for the Lord.

Yep, I was trained for this job.

Ending with Questions

2012-06-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about what it means to truly believe something, and in what ways belief that is strong enough can actually take part in shaping reality. I was challenged last weekend to think that perhaps part of the difficulties I have been dealing with lately are little more than a chance to exercise the beliefs I have long held and test the veracity of their underlying foundations. I have felt myself for the past several months walking along this razor-thin edge of a precipice. I have wavered back and forth between the belief I have long held that things always work out eventually and the reality of things not being okay in the present. This prompted some challenging questions for me. What is the definition of "ok"; if things are not okay now, what will decide them being okay in the future? What do I need to feel "ok"? What do I need to feel that my efforts at "doing the right thing" are paying off? Is this really something that can be decided by external circumstances?

As I wrestle with these questions, I notice that what defines "ok" is really not external circumstances but the perception that I hold about my situation; the beliefs that I have. If I really cling to my belief that everything will somehow work out, without including defining characteristics of what that will look like, then things will somehow work out. This seems a simple concept but one that I belief has important ramifications. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps I need to learn to define my situation not by the external factors that are out of my control but by the internal factors that are in my control. But even this internal battle can be difficult. I live in a country where the standard of "ok" is very different from most other places in the world. The standard of "ok" seems to often to be defined by the images I see around me and my external circumstances as opposed to the way that I respond and function within those circumstances. To what extent can we make ourselves okay in any situation, versus having to try to survive and wrestle with difficult questions when things are not okay?

I feel like a trend at the heart of a lot of these questions is the tendency to blame things on something outside of ourselves. Perhaps this is the consequence of a fast-paced, user-friendly society in which we are used to being able to solve problems and answer questions with the touch of a finger on a fancy screen. Perhaps it's just laziness. But I see this trend in many areas of life, from politics to religion. There is no patience, and seemingly little responsibility. We blame others and external circumstances for our problems because that is the easy thing to do. Admitting that perhaps we may have some power to impact things through patience and hard work is much too scary. In politics, we give our leaders, such as our current president, just a few months to solve problems that were a decade in the making before we start blaming him for failing to fix things and start looking for the next solution. In faith and religion, we get angry and blame God when things go wrong, asking questions that simply have no answer. We want things to make sense to us. We like the idea of free will until that involves being hurt by someone else's free will. We like the idea of freedom of expression and religion until that means that religions other than ours should also have that freedom. We want things to make sense according to our definition of "ok", which is completely unrealistic and ridiculous, as I'm realizing.

So, I'm thinking a lot about how our beliefs can shape reality in the ways that they shape our actions. If I truly believe that things will somehow work out, that belief will not only shape my perception of reality but will also influence me to act in ways that align with that belief. I will attempt to adjust to shifting circumstances and realities and constantly be looking for ways to improve a situation. Whereas, if I simply "hope" that things will eventually be okay, I rely entirely on external circumstances that will simply never line up with my unrealistic definition and expectations of what is "ok".

Even as I write this, I feel conflicted. I want to present this more as questions and progressing thoughts than anything else. I certainly do not agree with philosophies that say you simply need to will things to happen and then they will happen, I think that is utter bullshit. I wrestle extensively with the idea that sometimes things are simply not okay. But I also wonder to what extent we rely too heavily on external circumstances lining up in a particular way in order for us to be "okay". An image I will never lose comes from my time in Manila. I was down visiting a church one Friday night that worked with children who had been abandoned by their parents because their parents could not afford to keep them. This church took them in and placed them with various families in the area, most of whom were also poor and lived in squatter villages under a bridge but did everything they could to provide homes for these kids. We went to visit one of these families who lived in what was literally a city constructed out of various spare materials, located under a large bridge. The family we visited had a space just big enough for the 8 of them to sleep spread out, and their ceiling was the underside of the bridge. What struck me was how happy and content this family was. This was their reality and they could not have been happier to simply have a place to live and be together with one another. On their ceiling, the underside of the bridge, was written "Praise God for his provision". I went home that night and got annoyed that the air conditioning in my room was broken.

What struck me most about that family was that they were able to see provision and beauty in the smallest of things. Not only did they work hard to make the best of their circumstances, they reached out and took in other children whose parents could not care for them. There was no question or expectation about why they lived under a bridge or why their lives looked this way or when things would get better for them; this simply was their reality.

When I started out writing all this, I thought there would be a point to it. But now I'm really not sure there is. I guess at this point I'm really just plagued by endless questions and what exactly to do with all of these ideas. But perhaps that's the whole point. I've jumped straight to answers for too long, now in many ways I feel like I'm starting with answers and ending with questions.

Dream Again

2012-05-29T14:57:00.001-07:00

I was at breakfast last week with my buddy Derek, talking about some of the things I've been contemplating lately and how I feel my faith has been changing. In the vein of my last post, we were talking about Job and suffering and questioning God and the tendency to cut questioning short to provide simple answers like "God has a plan" or "God is in control". I was reading an article a few days ago that talked about the habit Christians have of trying to resolve pain and conflict too quickly with those pre-fab responses. Sometimes, things are not okay. Sometimes things just suck. There's not an answer for everything and sometimes it doesn't feel like enough to just say "Praise God that he is faithful in all things". As true as that may be, it doesn't solve all the questions, conflict, or pain.

As Derek and I were talking, I started to picture my system of beliefs as a boat, a safe place that was providing me protection from the raging seas that surrounded me. Throughout my journey, as the storms have gotten bad, the boat has sprung numerous leaks, which I continuously patched with simple answers. Now, my boat is nothing but patches and it has completely disintegrated, leaving me without protection, floating in the raging waters, vulnerable to all the storms that come. But perhaps this is not such a bad thing. Perhaps that boat of a rigid belief system was also keeping me from fully experiencing.

Jordana and I watched a movie over the weekend called "Visioneers"; it was heavy but incredible. The story was set in this dystopian society where dreams were viewed as bad because they led to pain. Basically, in an effort to remove anything painful, they removed all emotion in general, including the ability to dream. There was a lot more to it, but this is part of what I took away. At the end, I found myself desperately wanting to dream again but with the realization that dreaming can also involve pain. It's so much easier to live in a self-protective bubble. We keep ourselves safe with our simple answers and our simple ways of thinking. Sure, that's safe. But it can also be empty. It's missing something.

I don't fully understand these ideas yet but I know that I want to dream again. I want to believe that a better world is possible. I want to see the beauty around me. I want to think big and believe that youthful idealism is not dead. I want to dream again.

Be Honest

2012-05-20T15:32:00.001-07:00

I was reading Job yesterday and something jumped out and grabbed me by the balls. This is pretty rare for me when I'm reading scripture, I have to be honest. Having grown up in the church I generally approach Bible reading with a fairly condescending attitude. I don't really read it to see something new or gain some fresh new insight because I pretty much know it all already. I know the whole story, I've seen the movie and know how it ends. I've traditionally read the Bible because that's what I was supposed to do. That's what it meant to be a good Christian and if I wanted my life to turn out decent then I definitely needed to do everything I could to be a good Christian. Funny thing happened though. After all those years of trying to do things right, things still went to shit. That got me thinking...what was the actual purpose of "doing things right" all those years? Did I really think that on some grand cosmic scheme God was dolling out good and bad circumstances tit for tat based on how closely I adhered to the rules of being a good Christian? When I sat down to read other books (not the Bible), I actually enjoyed myself, stuff jumped out at me from the page all the time. I found myself laughing, crying, and nodding my head in an Aristotelean fashion saying "hmmm" out loud to myself. You would think that a book often called "the greatest story on earth" would have some sort of a similar effect on me. So, I decided to try again. I decided I would try to set aside all the stuff I thought I knew about God, Christianity, and the Bible and try to approach it in a brand new fashion, and in a language that was a little more exciting than the cardboard translations I was used to. So, I started reading through Eugene Peterson's translation, The Message, and I've started to find that God is actually a lot more confusing than I ever thought he was. I'm also finding that the story is a lot more interesting than I ever thought it was. But, I digress. I was talking about Job...

I've heard the classic sermon on Job many times in my life and I always got the same takeaway. It's okay to question God sometimes but just remember that he is God and you are not, and his ways are not our ways. For the most part when I was reading Job this time, I was kind of seeing the same thing only with a slightly different appreciation for how angry and confused Job was because I've been feeling much the same way lately. Shit just doesn't make sense and when stupid people come and try to explain it to you (Job's friends), you just want to punch them in the face. Then, of course, God comes and gives Job this big lecture about how he doesn't really know what he's talking about because he wasn't there at the creation of the world and so on. But then God says something to Job's friends that I never noticed before; God rebukes Job's friends. In most of the translations I had read before it said something like "You have not spoken of me what is right, and my servant Job has". I never really understood that before and just glossed over it because God just got done telling Job how he didn't know what he was talking about; now he's saying Job spoke what is right? But Eugene Peterson translated it this way, when God is speaking to Eliphaz: "I've had it with your two friends. I'm fed up! You haven't been honest either with me or about me--not the way my friend Job has." Then he tells the three friends to make a sacrifice and Job will pray for them and he will accept Job's prayer on their behalf. Even though he lit into Job about not really understanding what he was talking about, he never told Job to make a sacrifice and repent. But the friend's had to repent for not being honest, for pretending like they had all the answers when they really had no idea what the hell they were talking about. That gets me.

For so long, I've felt so bad about having questions about God because "his ways are not my ways". It's okay to ask some questions and have some doubts but I really shouldn't dwell on them for too long because I need to be a good little Christian and just continue trusting that everything is in it's right place. But I don't think that's right. I'm starting to think that God would much rather us be real and honest with him rather than pretend we actually know what the hell we're doing because that's more dangerous. If you give a kid instructions, you'd rather them be honest that they don't really understand instead of pretending like they do and completely screwing up what you asked them to do.

So, I'm going to try being more honest. And not the type of honest I've usually been where I ask some hard questions but then let them go away real fast because I'm afraid of making God angry. I'm going to be honest because things really don't make sense to me and I'm tired of pretending like they do. I don't understand why relationships fall apart. I don't understand why people who are ready to provide a child with a loving home remain barren or lose children while families down the street are having more children than they can care for or handle...some should never have had a child in the first place. I don't understand why families, who are supposed to be the most loving and supporting safe place, sometimes turn on each other. I don't understand why good, decent people suffer while cruel, heartless assholes get all the glory. I don't get it. There's no rhyme or reason, it makes no sense; and like Job, I'm calling God to answer.

Identity

2011-07-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

One of the interesting things about being in a place such as I am right now is that you have the opportunity to essentially project whatever identity you see fit. You are in a new place, with people you've never met before and will in all likelihood never see again. It affords you the interesting opportunity to "reinvent" yourself as you see fit, if you so desire. I've had this opportunity many times in my life, being that we moved every three years or so throughout my childhood and the only people that really knew me that whole time was my family. Every time I came into a new place, I had these ideas in my head of how I wanted to be in this new place. I came here with that same desire, I wanted to project the ideal person that I had always wanted to be. Inevitably, however, you fall back into old patterns and end up being the same person that you didn't really want to be. I came here wanting to be the quiet, patient mystic who didn't get phased or upset by all the bullshit that we have to put up with every day; the one guy who didn't complain a lot, the guy that could be depended on to be peaceful in the midst of chaotic circumstances, the patient wise old guy who didn't allow things to affect him as much as the rest. My journaling since being here has resembled the tension that Paul expressed in Romans of the struggle between the flesh and the spirit. I know how I want to respond and who I want to be, but I find myself making the same mistakes in the heat of the moment--complaining about frustrating circumstances, expressing anger at people around me, being cynical, and opening my mouth way too much and saying things that I inevitably come to regret.

In many ways, I feel like this is a tension and struggle that I've dealt with for the majority of my life. Because of all the transition I have been through, I've really only had a few close friends that I feel really knew and understood me at a deep level. The reality is that for a long time I didn't really like who I was, I always wanted to be someone different and finding myself in a new place every three years allowed me to attempt to reinvent myself on a regular basis. This reinvention never really happened though. I always started off well and then eventually fell into old patterns until I moved on to the next place and was able to start again. One of our goals in moving to Baltimore was to attempt to put an end to this transition, to find a place where we would be happy settling down long-term and committing to long-term relationships in a community of people who would really know us and hold us accountable. In many ways, after our relocation, I was pretty happy with where we were. I was settled into a good career in education, we were looking at buying a house, I was getting a newspaper every day, I felt all grown up and ready to settle in and commit to a community, become pillars and solid community stalwarts that could participate in long-term influence and change. The test of this, however, would naturally be to experience some hardship. It is how we respond to turmoil that defines who we truly are and I was terrified by what I saw in myself. As I've expressed before, dark parts of me came out that I did not know existed and I felt a slight crisis in my identity. I responded irrationally by trying to reinvent myself as a full-time graduate student, as a soldier, as a husband and hopeful father trying to do what he could to provide for his family. I felt failure as a teacher and in many ways failure as a husband and therefore felt the need to find something in which I could feel success in some form of identity.

I think I've finally had a revelation that has shown me the core of the problem--I have always defined myself by external factors. How people perceive me, what I "do", how I react to circumstances, things I see in others that I like and try adopt for myself. I try to mold myself in certain ways to make myself the person I want to be and always come up short. I'm never fully happy with who I am or who I am becoming. And so the plaguing question continues to linger: how exactly am I defining myself?

As a follower of Christ, I'm beginning to realize that perhaps the crux of the problem is attempting to form my own identity in ways that I want to see it shaped, instead of finding my core and center in the person of Christ and seeking the guidance of his spirit to allow myself to be molded into the person he wants me to be. Most of the things I feel called to be, based on what I've read in scripture are the things that I want for myself--patient, loving, tolerant, contemplative instead of reactionary. So how do I get there? In church, we talk constantly of being guided and molded by the Holy Spirit--but what does that mean? In reflecting, I realize that I don't know what it means to be led by the Lord. I do what I can to be rooted in scripture and seeking out a better understanding of the new humanity that Christ modeled for us but I am not one of those people who can claim without reservation that he has heard the voice of the Lord and felt his clear guidance. I've always thought that the answer is in trying to always be about the heart of God and then making decisions within that, walking through open doors and when necessary owning up to the decisions that I've made. I often find myself wishing that I could claim to hear the voice of the Lord more clearly so that when things don't work out I can be upset and blame someone other than myself, feeling justified in my frustration and wanting things to change.

The answer seems clear in my head. I need to find my core identity in Christ, be a centered person so that when the winds of life begin blowing around me and the rivers begin to swell, I am not shaken. Who I am and how I am is not dependent upon constantly changing external circumstances but on the ever unchanging person of Christ. But what exactly does that look like? Is there ever a place we reach in this life that we can say we are truly grounded, centered people and are prepared to deal with whatever comes our way? Or are we stuck in this fallen world to be constantly living in a state of tension between the powers of the flesh, which call us to react and be shaken by the external, and the powers of the Spirit, which call us to exercise patience and control and an ever-centered mentality in the midst of the storm? How do we tap into the power of the that Jesus promised to leave with us in His Spirit?

As always, I find myself plagued with more questions than answers; but, as always, I find myself feeling perfectly comfortable with that. Many would say that is the cheap way out, settling for the tension of the unknown instead of making the decision to stand firm with a solid opinion on a given point. But I think that for too long we've been settling solidly on opinions that are not necessarily based entirely on the truthful reality that Christ has tried to teach us. I remain convinced that we still don't really get what Jesus was trying to say when he came to walk the earth and show us a different way. We certainly understand things a bit better than we did before, but Jesus in the gospels is constantly telling the disciples that they're not getting it. So, I still wonder, do we get it? Or have we, in many ways, settled back into what is comfortable for us, inventing black and white definitions and answers to all our questions instead of entertaining and tension-filled state of wonder? This is one of the reasons I appreciate so much leaders like Rob Bell, who often pose more questions than answers in their thinking and writing, but at least begin to guide the thought process more toward what I think Jesus has been calling us to understand. Perhaps some of the things we feel so certain about are misguided.

So, who am I? I guess for now I'm a guy asking a ton of questions about how to be the person I want to be and Christ is calling me to be. Trying to figure out how to be that centered person unshaken by the storms of life. I'm blessed enough to have an incredible wife who is incredibly patient and strong enough to stand by my side throughout all my screw-ups and attempts to become a better husband, hopeful father, and follower of Christ. In so many ways, she has been and continues to be a picture of Christ's undying patience and love for humanity. I'm becoming more okay with embracing my brokenness and realizing that I do not contain within myself the power to become the ideal person that I hope to be. Hopefully with continued patience, love, and guidance from my God and the loved ones in my life I can continue to take each day as it comes, celebrating successes and learning from mistakes, and becoming a bit more grounded with each passing moment, ready for whatever comes my way. I'm not sure when the answers will start to come but at least for now I feel like I'm asking the right questions.