★ PNSexplosion ★

PNS353

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 07:40:01 PDT

PNS353

PNS352

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 07:39:00 PDT

PNS352

PNS351

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 07:39:04 PDT

PNS351

PNS349 Noah Fakes Analphylactic Shock (again)

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 10:34:58 PDT

PNS 349 -- Hello. Is this 4215 Pussy Way? I’m Kathleen Turner. Now let me check the zip code. Two-one-two-fuck-you? I think this summer’s gonna be off the hook. If no one has to poop at the Jewel during Pride and Pat can keep his illnesses at bay and his jungle fever under control, then you can bet it’ll be off the hizzy! If a hand job isn’t going to get you across the line, it’s time to rack it up a notch and get yourself some Full-Blown Anal, now available in freshmint, hazelnut and craisin. Yummers! A call from the nation’s crapital to the nation’s number one source for podiatry information: what to do about a broken toe? Do what a drag queen does when she has to tuck: tape it up! Don’t forget to pack your travel douche. Check out the new PNS vidjoes on the YouTube, and watch for more on the way this summer with everyone in them, schedules permitting. Maybe there’s a small role for me. You know I’m not working. Which One Note Sally is more irritating: Amy Adams or Kristin Chenoweth? Noah fakes anaphylactic shock just for the free epinephrine and the ride home in the ambulance. He’s a smart boy. This weather is bullshit. I’m gonna make a brand new start of it in old Den-ver. And if you could make it there, you really could make it anywhere. Do you think I could make it there? I used to be box-office gold but then there was that whole V.I. Warshawski thing and now small children point at my face in the street, and not in a good way. Speaking of moon-faced ladies hauling themselves out of a swamp of failure, what’s Cybill Shepherd up to? Sittin’ around still seething about Bruce Willis’ and Christine Baranski’s talent. Ooh -- 3-D porn! Does it make Full-Blown Anal any look prettier? More anal-y? Another call, this time from Florida. A woman comes into the store and uses testers to put all her make-up on. Christ! I’ve been there, you know. What did you buy on cassingle? Pat says he isn’t a music person. Rob had an Anita Baker single. Noah bought Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now.” I owned that one, too, but it was a vinyl 45 and sung by Tommy James & the Shondells. A big Highway to Heaven finish. I’ve had so much fun. If you need a larger lady with a beejer voice, give my agent a call. Please.

PNS349

PNS350

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 05:03:06 PDT

PNS 350 show notes -- Ay Dios mio! Welcome to the Hotel Carradine. I am your maid, Concepcion. Ay, another auto-erotic asphyxiation! If that’s what chew want to call it. I call it chust another mess to clean up. Too soon? Why don’t chew come and help me, si? Chew wanna? The Octom-Mom, she wants 8 more babies, and the John and Kate want 8 more inches. Go figure! Direct from Your Number One Source for Farrah Fawcett News: she’s still alive. Please enjoy delicious Penguin Wine. It gives you the instant hangover, and also removes the nail polish. Hey, DJ Douche, why you gotta play the music so loud? Is makin’ us all loco, si? Patrick, he try to make the video from the IML and some goddamn douche report him for having the gayporn in the background. You can suck, meester. Noah has a good idea for the video with the Heavenly Bodies. He make you laugh so hard. Ay! At the Tonys, Liza sounded like beef jerky. She won another Tony, which she’ll stick straight into Angela Lansbury’s cooter. She really gotta hit the casino circuit because announcing winners is not her thing. Did chew see that guy from Poison smack his nose into the set? Ay! He got pissed off because the Tony people didn’t issue a note of concern. That’s because he’s a joke and they don’t care. Don’t tell Pat to dare to dream. It’s just not gonna happen. Rob’s going to New York City to see some shows. Just booking the tickets will win Doug a Jeff award. Cameron Diaz is happy to stay childless. Good for her. Somewhere, there’s someone called Sydney Greenbush, and leetle Katie Holmes can’t wait to get dancing again. What the hell was Carrie Fisher wearing at the Tonys? Is shes on the Kelly Clarkson diet? I tell you: puffy. Chew know that 72-year-old woman that got taysed? She was ornery, but the guy that did it was a douche. Don’t tayse me, bra! I don’t need it! OK: the DVDs are on their way to chew, and chew can give the PNS boys constant diarahhae by dropping some loot into the PayPal account. Please call the comment on 206 888 GAYZ and leave chour message. See you real soon at the Hotel David Carraindine. Such a lovely place. Wear your Spanks!

PNS350

PNS348 Lisa Rinna's downstair lips

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:54:10 PDT

PNS 348 -- Hey, y’all! My gorgeous hubby borrowed the forklift from work and unwedged me out of our trailer for the day. I’m so fucking happy! Praise Jesus. Noah’s trailer – I mean, apartment, doesn’t smell like grandma’s gyne. He’s making eggplant dip. Fancy! He’ll need a ton of mayo and some Cheetos with that. Does AZT make your hair fall out like chemo? Or just Tom Hanks’ in Phila. Delphia. Maybe it was the stress of having that Speedy Paella Gonzales boyfriend. Check out the superstar powerhouse of talent on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Outta My Groin”: Lou Diamond Phillips, Frangela, Torrie Wilson, John Salley, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Stephen Baldwin, Janice Dickinson and Sanjaya. Oh – and Patti Blagojevich. Never let Janice off the island. Please. Watch Pat’s video at IML and Pat and Rob’s new trailer trashing videos on the PNSexplosion site on YouTube. They’re real funny. Noah saw people having full-blown anal at IML. Was it Rob? Was it Eric? Hmmm? While those guys were having 4-D sex, Pat was getting some 3-D porn from Emerson. Praise the lord! Melissa Joan Hart is one hoagy away from being the PNS’ biggest listener. The crazy lady in the street just yells ’80s movie titles but they all sound like “Fletch.” Google Dr Ruth. She’s an a-borscht-ionist. I kill myself. There’s a fine line between men with beer guts in chaps and your average Renaissance fairgoer. A little B&D, a little D&D. Get some poop bags for your next puppy play session. Kerb your boyfriend! Here come the stars of this week’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™: Nia Vardalos’ dog, Kevin Bacon, Chace Crawford, Jerry Ferrara, Breckin Meyer, McG, Bill Murray, Bernie Mac, Zac Ephron, Lisa Rinna’s lips (upstairs and down) and Oprah. Update: Farrah Fawcett is still alive. What would be a good new passion for Oprah? Someone dropped Patrick an email about ending a 10-year relationship. Really? After 10 years you thought the PNSexplosion would be your best bet for advice? Just drop $6,000 into the PayPal account for the real answer. Yeah, dump him. Time to go. Noah has to make some more DVDs because he’s a single mom with not a lot of time. And do his hair. There are 78 new posts on Boomtacular. Go look at ‘em, y’all! Praise Jesus.
PNS348

PNS347

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 10:29:36 PDT

PNS 347 -- Hi - I’m Wilma, the cranky neighbor from the Magic Bullet infomercial. Geiger’s on the line, filled with the excitement that is another funzies show. So, what’s going on? Farrah’s still alive. There’s that. The Floor Mic™ is on and ready to record the v-v-v-vibrations of every spray shart. Are you Sunkist or Tang? Ooh – what I wouldn’t give for some juicy poontang right now. Cher’s downtown might be getting puffy. She needs a little extra fabric to cover it up these days. Someone poke Lady Gaga’s front butt, puh-lease. Pat’s summer jam is the recently discovered Beyoncé’s “Freakum Dress”, so watch out for a PNS video of that any day now. Axe the Gaywads: what age and nationality would your houseboy be? For some reason, the VAG girls pick up this question. They want housefraus who weigh 350. You know, skinny minnies. Aged between 40 and 80 who want to cuddle up and watch "Cold Case" just before bed at 8.30. Another question, this time from a straight guy: what kinda stuff do you do over the internet? Porn, obviously, and this. Pat needs a break from Facebook. All those damn lists of “5 things.” E-nuff, already. Update: Farrah, still not dead. Anyway, if your gonna do Facebook, pay attention so it’s easier for Pat to stalk you. In a caring way, of course. Memorial Day is the kick-off the gay high holidays. Noah’s birthday is the end of them, because the next day is always -10° with sideways rain. Pat’s off to IML (Update: he went and you can see the video of his adventures over on Boomtacular). Mmm, street food: corn dogs (prrrrrrp), deep-fried anything (double prrrrrrp). So, no one thinks they needed that third round of Jager shots at Sidetrack. Trust me: you never do. Question time: is Patti from “Millionaire Matchmaker” really a girl? The jury is still out on that one. Would you date a guy who wasn’t out? If they were rich and hot, yeah, sure. Otherwise, nuh. What’s your ultimate closety match? When you can’t reach your vag, wipe with the VagStik™ from the VAG Explosion, Miramax and Mennen. Pop it out of your purse and onto your puss. What’s the difference between a salad shooter and a salad spinner? Ask me. I’ll know, for sure. I’m gonna dance cussy’s on fire! This just in: Farrah’s still alive. Missy Eliott will be starring in “Ghost P--oossiiee,” the Aaliyah story. Big finish with that Journey song from “Glee.” Don’t stop your queefing. Did someone say muffins?
PNS347

PNS346 PNS Floor Mic® by Mennon

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sun, 24 May 2009 21:31:00 PDT

PNS 346 show notes by Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening. Happy birthday, Cher. She’s 63. She doesn’t look a day over 62. So incredible, especially as she still has an umbilical cord attached to Chazzy. It must be all the Boniva. Tonight’s show is just like the olden days: just Patrick and Noah in the stujoe. Because there ain’t no party like a PNS party, it’s time to get Geiger on the line to add that sparkle that only a threesome can bring. Ding! In this week’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™: “30 Rock”, something called “Community”, Joel McHale from “The Soup”, Alan Aldi, the Aldi in Ohama (it’s on Manawa Centre Drive in Council Bluffs, if you’re looking), the gay one on “American Idol”, Shawn Johnson on “Dancing with the Stars”, and Mary Lou Retton. If you don’t who or what any of these things are, fucking Google them, OK? Even I know how to do that. Did you watch the Farrah documentary? Me neither. I’ll just wait for her to drop something onto Twitter. As for Patrick Swayze, well, good luck and all. Who was the most feminine in “To Wong Foo”? The Columbian one, though he already looked like a pretty little lady. What’s Geiger Wearing? From the sounds of it, he’s just come from a hard shift on a pole at his local tittie bar. People are still watching “Grey’s Anatomy.” Really? Probably exactly the same people who are keeping “Desperate Housewives” alive. And why is Marcia Cross shilling Mott’s apple juice – does she need the money? Noah can be just as icy and just as bitchy, so give him a seven-figure cheque. He’ll clap the clapper. It’s Cannes time, so look out for the Palme d'Or going to “Just the Ten of Us: 2.” It’s genius. TV Talk: Just like poppers and over-designed, expensive underwear, “Glee” is just made for the gayz. Paula Abdul was on QVC shilling FYG. For Your Gyne? I’ll take two, although it’ll probably give me a nasty rash. There’s something very unsavory about “Moject Munway.” Maybe it’s just seeing Isaac Mizrahi’s facelift scars in HD. Quick question for the Axe the Gaywads: what do you do to put off coming? I think about Marcia Cross, Paula Abdul and Isaac Mizrahi selling me shit. Instant wet noodle. Who would be your pick for the next celebrity president? I don’t care. All blondes look the same to me. Seriously, PNS should win a Peabody Award for inventing the Floor Mic, which picks up every single fart. “Not So Fresh Air,” brought to you by Nacho Fresh. Liz out
.PNS346

PNS345 Set your eardrums to stunned.

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sun, 24 May 2009 09:30:47 PDT

PNS 345 -- Encore! Ten bonus minutes of aural torture. Yes, it’s a speedy little shriekcast. Set your eardrums to stunned.

PNS345

PNS344 Yiffing Kirstie Alley

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sun, 17 May 2009 08:50:58 PDT

PNS 344 show notes -- Hullo. I’m Kelly McGillis. I’ve joined the VAG wymyn to talk about making love, wearing thick wool, eating carbs, and making our own moist, yoghurty Birchermüesli. This is an easy, breezy show, and beautifully lit. That must be Geiger’s influence. Let’s all go to Joy’s for pot stickers and Phuket noodles later, OK? Is Noah passive-aggressive or just distracted by all the business of getting this shit sammie recorded? Paula Abdul really needs to get herself some dignity to go with her Digesics. Pat forgets to fart right on top of the mic and Noah’s new home perm looks lovely in the light. From now on, the PNS isn’t going to make fun of anyone. Or swear. Or drink. How long do you think this will this last? A listener calls to ask about dating someone he’s got nothing in common with. Oh, honey, I did that for years until I saw the light and become a lesbian. Do you know what sweetbreads are? They’re not sweet or breads, that’s for sure. Pat needed to have a C-section to rip out his 10lb food baby. And suddenly the all-new clean-and-sober PNS is over. Someone else calls in about his friend getting some course credits but I couldn’t get the gist of it. At all. Some chat about the shitters at Sidetrack and the thrilling, sordid history of each of them. Carl, you know better. What begat what on VH1? A shitload of STDs, that’s for sure. One second the show is totally in-the-moment delicious and the next it’s awkward. You’ll hear why. Another tweeky couple of Axe the Gaywads questions: What kind of furry would you be? And who’s the fattest man you’d have sex with? Yiffing Kirstie Alley should cover both bases, I guess. Pat calls time on this show to ream the crew like a blanched lime for a bonus show. Coming right up!
PNS344

PNS343!

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Thu, 14 May 2009 06:33:24 PDT

PNS 343 show notes by Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening.The boys are back from a break doing fun and fabulous things. America’s Podcasting Curmudgeon™ Chris Geiger is in town to start his gender reassignment surgery – he’s getting a gyne put in as well as keeping his peen so he can be doing double doody – so he’s on the show. Kelly McGillis came out, so now we all have re-watch “The Accused” for the chemistry. Is someone frying bacon in the stujoe? No, the wires just need wiggling. Bea’s gone and Farrah’s not doing so good. But Noah’s dance performance was awesome – those two-count cooter slams were insane! Keep those DVD orders coming in, kids. It’s the best $50 you’ll ever spend, unless you’ve got really hot hookers in your neighborhood. Oh, lord – Starkeesha drops in for five seconds. If you don’t know who Starkeesha is, you really need to by the 300 shows DVD. Capsule movie reviews of just about everything you can see at the moment. They’re all fine. Just fine. Halle Berry is getting prepped for her big role “X-Men Origins: Shit Storm.” Patrick lets one rip and it’s totally Denanana. Can you catch swine flu if you make out with Kirstie Alley? Back to Kelly McGillis: remember how hawt she was in “Top Gunt”? That sex scene with Tom Cruise involved some serious acting. Pat fingered a cop after Rob’s birthday party drinks. Strike up the band! Actually, he did more than finger him – and he did it at the office. Boo-yeah! You have to check out awkwardboners.com and guyswithiphones.com. They’re both fabulous. Some guy outside the Sidetracks replaced his “Toodle-pip!” with “I’ll kill you!” That’s what you get for turning down an eight-ball of napalm at 5.30 on a Thursday afternoon, apparently. Quick listener call to ask Pat about being a vegetarian. Pat’s been a vegetarian since 1996, but it doesn’t stop him sticking meat in his mouth, if you know what I mean. And you know what I mean. Are you following Joy Behar (@JoyVBehar) on Twitter? What does that V stand for? Cell phones changed the movies forever. Can you imagine “Dial M for Murder” these days? It’d be called “Speed Dial 3 and Auto-Complete for Murder.” ’Nother show coming right up! Liz out.
PNS343

PNS342 I Smell Husbands.

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Tue, 05 May 2009 07:01:53 PDT

PNS 342 show notes by a baseball fan -- Well, hi there, fellas. I’m America’s Favourite Pastime. Omigod, I mean, I love baseball and junk. Seriously, where else can you gonna find a husband these days? The Bushes – Laura, Barbara, George W., and Jenna – are in to introduce the show. How did these gay guys get the First Family to do this? What? There’s a new president? Shet. I gotta pay more attention to the news, but it's so boring. Poor Jenna – she just can’t keep out of the turlet. Been there before, girlfriend! New back-lighting in the stujoe makes Noah look like Stevie Nicks. Gimme Some Coke! Just steck it in any hole you can find. Pat recalls his lovely Sprite Nites in Peony Park. 7 Up Gold was 7 Up and ginger ale. Could use some vodka in that, I think, yeah? I can’t believe they’ve stopped making Zima. I loved that shet. The comment line – 206-888-GAYZ – is working and Judi Dench calls in to prove it. Seriously, do these gay guys know everybody? Miranda Samantha calls in and wants to speak to the VAG gals. Valerie, Alexis and Gyna talk about their musty size-48 pants. Ew. Ladies, you’ve gotta stop blimping out. You’re never gonna land a husband looking like that. Lay off the fried churros for five minutes. Don’t you wish your life partner was hot like me? I have great tits, right? You can’t ride a bike side-saddle. You can ride me any way you like. Miley Cyrus calls in to promote her book, CD and film but Daddy needs her. Omigod, I love powder-pink Cub hats! So much! Ha-ha-ha! Crying girls in the street around Wrigley Field. That’s funny to me. Imagine. Let’s go to Bar Louie for dollar burgers sometime. Do you like my hair? The boys are going to see “Cats” at a community college. Omigod, that sounds so awesome. I love kittens. Someone calls in but he’s kinda drunksies and gets called away. Probably by his girlfriend, right? Rob’s sister and her fat friend were hungies at Sidetrack. If you’re a girl and you can’t get food or cock, what’s the freakin’ point, right? I’m outta here – I smell husbands.
PNS342

PNS341 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part Troi

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:40:44 PDT

PNS341 show notes by a dripping wet BBW -- It’s your third show in three days, you lucky sonsabitches. Go ahead, stuff ’em in. Can I offer you a T-shirt cannon full of chocolate pudding? Ka-boom! Right in your pie hole. Kristin Chenoweth is plucky, irritating and all her cartoon voices sound exactly the same, while Robin Quivers’ quivering pussy sounds exactly like The Flight of the Bumblebee. “17 Again” made Pat’s pussy quiver. Zac Ephron dances during a basketball game – again. Man, that kid is kinda typecast. Meanwhile, Noah is practicing his two-count cooter slam-dunks for his big dance debut next week. Where the hell are Cher’s residual’s for TaB Clear? Gee, Your Downstairs Hair Smells Terrific™. Did Michael Douglas fuck Jeanne Tripplehorn in the A? How could you tell? There’s a black drag queen in Augusta, Georgia, called Fantasta. Fantastic! Susan Boyle is Dumpsy McDumpers with a good voice. Just wait until teh gayz get hold of her. End of story. Speaking of unnecessary transformations, there’s a special place in hell for the producers of “The Swan.” The contestants all come out with horse veneers, big tits and huge hair. Even the women. Dor’thea is right outside Noah’s new place, while Dor’thea’s friend is kinda pushy. The 300 shows DVDs are being sent out as fast as Old Bessie can pump them out. How to audition for your guest spot in the PNS stujoe: buy Rob drinks. This week’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moments™ star Ed Westwick, Spencer Pratt, Lauren Conrad, Chelsea Handler, Ashton Kutcher on Twitter, Ashton Kutcher on Demi Moore, Martha Stewart, Roselyn “Russell” Sanchez, Ellen DeGeneres and Hayden Pantietear. It’s all totally irrelevant. Now that Rob’s a stay-at-home mom, he slips on his kaftan and flip-flops, opens a box o’ wine and watches Oprah. This week: cock-cutter Lorena Bobbit, skater-hater Tonya Harding, who’s now proper and has Prednisone face, and a bunch of baby-drowners. So much for Live Your Best Life. There are lots of us BBWs on Xtube, who are either getting slammed by hot guys or just sitting around eating junk. Now, they’re my kinda gals! Somebody please buy Noah a subscriptions to Plumpers Magazine. He would love it. A listener calls for advice about his relationship, because when I think about the subtle aspects of love and romance, I think PNS, don't you? Retardo-Cher takes the question. And the Don Juan of the Midwest, Pat. There’s valuable advice for you. Besides Scherzinger, the Ussy Cat Dolls are Slutzies, Stinkzies, Whorzies and Grumpy. Send your summer jams suggestions to pnsexplosion@gmail.com. Tax-i!
PNS341

PNS340 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part Duece

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 04:05:31 PDT

PNS340 show notes by your lovely new nanny, Mary Poppins -- Hello, children. Our first game is called “Half-Begun is Well Done.” Let’s sing together, shall we? “Just a butt-full of dildos ...” Hurrah! That was delightful. If you have ordered the DVD, it’s on its way. Noah is calling all the chimney sweeps to help out. They’re orphans, so they can use the money. Chim chim chiree! Even though Rob is a stay-at-home mom, he draws the line at the fourth hour of “Today” and “The View.” He uses the time to open his wine. Don't slouch! It’s time to play a marvelous game called “What’s The Celebrity Memoir Called?” Come along, give me your hand, please. Marlee Matlin went to rehab? Goodness! MacGyver could have got her out of there with a Sudafed and a paper clip, I’m sure. The boys plan a lovely outing to the cinema to see Miss Beyoncé’s glossy new flick and its many thrilling catfights. Young Jennifer Hudson looks quite poorly, don’t you agree? Perhaps she has a liver complaint. Listeners telephone in their delightful questions. Let’s listen. No fidgeting, please! Traveling with a douche that has metal parts can be risky when going through airports. Do what I do: travel on clouds and umbrellas and there will be no slack-jawed fatty boombahs going through your luggage. I keep a hatstand in mine, so I know a thing or two about smuggling. Tricky, aren’t I? A question for the lovely lesbian ladies is next. How do they practice safe sex? Even though they’ve been terribly busy making their softball uniforms, the VAG girls find the time to pop in to explain. Trust me, with a 48-inch waist, you’d be awfully lucky to find anything to hit down there. Close your mouth, please. We are not a codfish. Someone calls who hasn’t showered for four days. Heavens! I play in chimneys with children, so I have to wash constantly. Especially around, you know, my magical fantasy play area. Bert outlines it chalk and everyone just jumps in. Tra-la-la! Patrick saw a play that involved vomit and ripping up flowers. That will be quite enough of that, thank you. Before we say goodbye and I float away, let’s all sing a ditty about everyone’s favorite vaginal infection, even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. Yes, it’s chlamydia. Oh, children, what fun we’ve had. Toodle-pip!
PNS340

PNS339 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part One

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:03:15 PDT

PNS 339 show notes by Mo’Nique -- Hey, baby. Lemme pull my finger outta my figgy puddin’ so’s I can press Play. OK, muthafukkas – bring it to the table. First up, we’s Inside the PNS Actors Studio with the three Cs: Cher, Celine and Cyrus. It be a penetrating interview. Gotta give it some oomph, baby. That damn girl Jennifer Aniston’s lip is hairer than my legs, and Drew Barrymore be talking shit all up like she’s Dick Van Dyke or somebody. For all you total slut bitches – I’m with you, baby, coz dick is good to me – getta pair a these L’eggs with Plan C. Ain’t nuthin getting through them, and I mean no shit, bitch: before, during and after. Who the hell keeps Mounds bars on their nightstand? Baby, I gots my Mounds in the bed. You with me? Goddamn: those crazy Bush bitches are back in the house. Who let them muthafukkas in? Patrick went to New Yawk City and saw some nasty play, Stephen Spinella in the can and gobbled himself up some cupcakes. Well, la-di-damn-da to all that shit. He also have the love that can’t speak its name ’cept on a podcast heard round the muthafukkin world, but I say be proud, baby. Or fat. Gimme a joint so’s I can get high as a bitch. Up on the Xtube, Greek Farts is planting his ass wind into people’s faces. OK, I’m cool with that. I made “Phat Girlz” remember? There’s a game where you gotta guess what flavor peoples is. My flavor flav is chocolate ripple. Do you hear me? Lotta shout outs to bitches across this World Wide Webs. Holla, muthafukkas! Wait up – you can get chlamydia from a bike seat? I’d be worried if I could get up on a damn bike. Miss Vivica A. Fox has a steamy figgy puddin for a skinny ass girl. Know what I’m sayin? In this week’s episode of “He’s Gotta Lotta Time On His Hands”, Rob tells all about “The Cougar”, “Toddlers and Tiaras” and “The Lottery Changed My Life.” You know what changed my life? Puttin a damn apostrophe in my name, baby. That took me from where I are to superstar! You’ll see: just wait for next year’s Ocscars, s’all I’m sayin. A listener drops a call from Pittsburgh and wants to know what your last meal would be on Death Row. I would eat anything. Everything. Obviously. These crazy ass muthfukkas finish their show with the song that the Scottish fat gal be singing all over the YouTubes. I say: beautiful lady, you enjoy being yourself just the way you are. Well, after you get your hair done. And maybe your nails. Then you can dream the dream, baby. And yo eyebrows. I’ll see y’all later, baby!
PNS339

PNS338 Piles of Colored Fondant Formed into Vizslas and Vag

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 12:46:14 PDT

PNS 338 show notes by this beautiful lady -- Yeah, hi. What do you think? Pretty, huh? I thought so. Rob is fully prepared and on. Noah’s not sure if he’s Hilary, Miley or Tiffany Towers. Pat’s not sure if he’s Southern, British or retarded. Yes, it’s just another ordinary day with the PNSexplosion. Tracy, Tracee and Tiffany have their Mystic Tans on and are scouting for husbands at Wrigley Field. Or at least a little muff-diving in the PortaPotties. Shet. Three cheers for Iowa, home of Mamie Eisenhower, Lara Flynn Boyle and the Eastern Goldfinch. Also, gay marriage. Screw you, San Francisco – we’re going to Des Moines! Goodbye Disneyland and hello Adventureland. We’re gonna have a fun-filled day! And a quickie abortion. Shout outs to new listeners, old listeners, “Declan Channing”, Pat’s new Facebook friends, those guys from Sidetrack the other night, current listeners and, what the hell, unsubscribers. Were you a door-slammer as a moody teen? Or will you wait until after the commitment ceremony to start up that particular drama? Good for you. There’s a bar right across the bridge from Omaha in Iowa that turns ridiculously gay for just one hour before it closes. Haven’t we all done that? TV Talk: “Project Runway” is out, “Moject Munway” is in, hosted by, I dunno, Don and Cheryl or junk. “Ace of Cakes” is just piles of colored fondant formed into vizslas and vag. On the Style Network, “Ruby” is about a redhead who wears red and her name is Ruby. Geddit? She’s 700lbs on her way to 150. Then what, huh? Get all the loose skin trimmed off and it’s straight back to mediocrity. I know all about that. It doesn’t matter what she puts on her feet, they all end up as flats. Sophia Coppola adores her. Go to your closest mall and visit Throat Potato More®. And yes, you will be having the extra gravy. Rob saw Scott, who’s doing fine, thanks for asking. Zac Ephron is the only person in the world who constantly brushes his fringe *into* his eyes – besides me. We’re both lovely. Leslie Kritzer is a star. Google her before she Googles you. Quick call: this guy at work looked just like Noah. Freakin’ freaky, right? Obvious: Tub Girl is gross. Not obvious: she’s great for parties. Noah has to get to his yoga-jazz class. It’s downward dogs with head rolls, flick kicks and ball changes. What the what? Call 206-888-GAYZ, bitches. Go on. Kissy, kissy
PNS338

PNS337 Full-face Shart in Two-seconds Flat.

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 05:14:25 PDT

PNS337 show notes by Queen Elizabeth IIWhat? I can’t hear you. Those handsy Obamas gave me an iPod and it has changed my life. I’ll never have to sit through “God Save the Queen” ever again. I was opening a hospital this morning and listening to PNS the whole time. Delicious. Rob’s back! Which stage of grieving is Hilary Duff’s career at? She’s 22, so rehab is gonna be right around the corner. Patrick and Noah had a bad-movie night watching two shitpiles: the talent-free “The Room” (you can watch a clip on Boomtacular) and yet another Ashley-Judd-gettin’-roofied-’n’-raped crapstorm, “Twisted.” The Daytime Emmys are coming up. Who will be nominated? Marnie Schulenberger or Meredith Hagner? Crystal Chappell or Marcy Rylan? I’m so excited I could wet my — oops, too late. Actually, I don’t have a clue who any of these people on daytime are, but someone sure does: Rob “I’ve Got Time On My Hands During The Day” Lindley. Mouth-breather Star Jones (born “Starlet” – no kidding) tried to be an inspirational weight-loss guru on “Oprah.” Nuh-uh, girlfriend. That’s selling ice to eskimos. Those “Whatever, Martha” girls are wretched and need a snarky fag to make it work. What are those Queer Eye faggotz doing these days? “Rescue Me” is a fire station packed to the balls with hot guys. How hot? Pat would let any one of them go the full-face shart in two-seconds flat, so you know they’ve gotta be five-alarm. Also hot: Bonnie Hunt’s warm-up guy. The warm-up crew on “Oprah” are just nazis, and Oprah herself is pushing for the 2016 Chicago Olympics. Getting a drink at Sidetrack will become a gold-medal event. Listeners who want to be on the show: email with your Skype name. Who’s dropping off the perch first: Farrah Fawcett or Patrick Swayze? More calls to 206-888-GAYZ, please! Keep ’em short and snappy, OK? If you need counseling or have a voice that sounds like the dial tone, you’re totally calling the wrong number. Pat’s off to New York to take in some Broadway shows. “9 to Gyne: The Musical” just opened, the perfect excuse to round out this shit sammie with a shrillcast of that song. BTW, Dolly: if you have any more plastic surgery, your gunt’s gonna be up where your boobs are and your boobs will be behind your ears. Stop it! I liked this show so much that I’m subscribing in the iTunes. Look at me - I’m a web-savvy silver surfer. L8R, subjects.
PNS337

PNS336 Soleil Moon Fry’s enormous tits tweet

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 09:18:11 PDT

PNS 336 show notes by this disgusting pile of crap -- Thppppppp. Oh, excuse me. Just practicing getting my fart on for later. If you think I’m hefty, wait til you listen to this show. It’s like me with extra bacon fat and more cheese shoved in. PNSexcessplosion. Ready to chow down? Martha Stewart and those whiny girls are live in the studio. Was there ever really a pet pig, mama? David J’s back to promote his XXX vid, “All Hands On Dick.” Ahoy! Did you hear the ShamWow guy got booked for fighting with a hooker? Well, wow-wee! Crystal meth - oh, yeth. Catch Pat stripping at the Lucky Whore’s Shoe on the corner of Clark and Regret. PNS is huge in Japan, where it’s called “Crazy Sexy Fun Fun Fun Gay Time Exprosion.” The Barack Obama Chia Pet is available in “Happy” or “Dignified.” What, no “I’m Pissed Because I Inherited Two Wars And An Economy In The Turlet”? Brrrrrrrrp. The Conversation Hat™ overflows with tales of early sexual experiments. Noah touched some peen and now the guy is dead. Woopsy. David J did it with a house full of brothers across the street, like the gay version of “The Virgin Suicides” without the virgins and the suicides. Noah hammered a hot dog, a kind of deviant practice I’m not familiar with. Some hot/creepy talk of teachers showering with students, David J’s bf’s big balls and the lovely Miss Pat Coté. Did you have hot teachers? Hit the comments, kids. Wrestling is hard and smells like tananana. So do I. Hey, if the head of Facebook is listening, here’s One Random Thing About Myself: I want you to choke on your lousy memes. Soleil Moon Fry’s enormous tits tweet. In Axe The Gaywads, have you ever been in a sling? We’re halfway through, so if you need to go throw up so you can shovel the rest of this in, now’s the time. The dudes at IML are totally up for anything until they have to go back to their cubicles. Pat hangs out with the stars. Next question: what’s your favorite iPhone app? Seriously? Must have been a wrong number. Speaking of gross piles of junk oozing cheese and garnished with half a pound of onions, Sally Kirkland calls in about losing at the Ocscars. She knows all about that. Frrrrrrrrrp. You’ll want to do a courtesy flush after that horror, mister. Charades in the studio mean now is the time to check your voicemail. Which child star would you like to — oh, jeesuz, what are Soleil Moon Fry’s enormous tits tweeting now? What did you used to watch after dinner? If you ate me, it would be the big white telephone connected directly to god. Rainbow yawnsies. Is Chazzy up for adoption? Who could afford the food bills? If you’re disorganized, you need new Ped-O-Files®. I would totally go see “Charlotte Ray: The Opera.” So much browning. Girls! This shit sammie closes out with a delicious, full-fat shrillcast that will take leave your feet feeling numb. Are you full yet? Do you want seconds? One more tiny spoonful? If you made it this far, you’ll need a pick-me-up shock from the complimentary biphasic defibrillators just before you shart yourself stupid. Your waitress will lube up the paddles. Clear!
PNS336

PNS335 And then there's me.

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 04:12:11 PDT

PNS 335 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Beatrice Arthur -- Hello, all you marvelous people. It’s good to Bea here. See? I’ve still got it. And by “it” I mean vestigial penis. Ha! Now, let’s listen in to this wonderful show, shall we? Noah and Patrick are back in the stujoe, joined by David J, who’s soft in Pat’s cans. I’m a little soft in the cans myself, if you catch my drift. Thank you. Thank you so much. An adorable young person called Miley Cyrus comes by to promote her new motion picture, “A Journey Into Womanhood.” She sounds like a man. Then again, so do I. Do you know Miley’s real name? Leave it in the comments if you do. Mine is Bernice Frankel. I know – it sounds like a car backing up over a grocery cart. Be careful, Miley, my dear. Hollywood will chew you up and spit you out – straight into your own hit one-woman show on Broadway. And Elaine Stritch will still be right there to steal your Tony from under you. I should know! Get a copy of the first 300 episodes of PNS - it’s $50 through pnsexplosion@gmail.com at PayPal. If that’s too much, buy my CD “Bea Arthur on Broadway - Just Between Friends” instead. It’s horrible, but it’s only $16.98 on Amazon. Time to play Make It Dirty – the NPR Edition. I listen to “All Things Cuntsidered” and “As Shit Happens.” Have you seen those “Whatever” girls? I’ve got two words for you: verbal diarrhea. Speaking of shit, let me tell you something: space docking is delightful fun. In my day we called it an Alaskan Pipeline. Who wouldn’t want a frozen log of doo-doo in their hoo-ha? Brrrr! Kentie from The Flatus Show podcast calls to ask about gay faux pas. I went to a White Party once. It was a Republican convention. Ha! Thank you. Thank you so much. In her movies, Ashley Judd is always on the verge of being raped. She needs to lay off the roofies. I had to go see Estelle’s movies when we were making “The Golden Girls.” My god, people. I mean, I loved her, even if she was only a year older than me and she was playing my mother. But “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”? I was dry retching for days. The Olympics might come to Chicago, so soon it will cost $5 a minute to park in the Loop. I’m huge in Chicago. Actually, I’m huge in my stockinged feet. Thank you. Thank you so much. The Conversation Hat is back! David J wants to know if something can make you gay. Yes, it can: watching seasons 1 through 6 of “Maude.” And then there’s me. A big shrillcast finish with “Big Spender.” Nope – aborted due to lack of cues. Oh, my. It’s up to Miley to top it off. Thank you, dear. I can’t tell you what a thrill it has been for me to be with you all tonight. Thank you so much. I love you all! Please, stop. Oh, you have.!

PNS335

PNS334 PNS to go.

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:06:50 PDT

PNS334 show notes by Cheers, you can call me Lilibet -- O hai! Got a light? This show comes to you at 50mph from the mobile PNS studio, Shitty Shitty Gang Bang. And Pat’s driving, so hold on — it’s gonna be a white-knuckle ride with a white jean-short finish. Squeals on wheels! The boyz are on their way to see “Beef Curtains” in an outlying suburb of Anchorage. It's a pre-Jeff Awarded show-within-a-show, so talking about it on PNS makes it a show-within-a-show-within-a-show. I’m getting dizzy just thinking about it. Kipper, a chimp at Lincoln Park Zoo, just died of pneumonia. Wink! Here, have some faeces. It’s time for super-funzies car games, so play along at home: “Tinkles or Stinkies?”, “Would You Rather?” and “Make It Dirty: the Chicago Suburb Edition.” The correct answers are “Stinkles,” “Both” and “Bumping Monsclare.” Everyone was slipped roofies on the weekend and lost their wallets, phones, keys, pants, minds, dignity and about nine hours. The First 300 Episodes DVD is heading for #1 with a bullet, so blow your stimulus package wad and get it while it’s hot. Did you see me grabbing Michelle Obama’s ass? Check it out on Boomtacular. BTW, cheers to the bloody lot of you! Hic.

PNS334

PNS333 I can haz vag.

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 11:21:34 PDT

PNS333 show notes by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- Good evening. This show is halfway to number 666, so we’re officially on a highway to hell. Just coincidentally, Rob’s back on board. It’s fast-moving funzies tonight, so please lower the safety bar until it clicks, hang on and enjoy the ride. Some listeners want to be guests but there will have be phone auditions as well as urine tests because self-medicating isn’t always performance-enhancing. Listen in as the equipment is MacGyvered back together with a little tape, a stapler and some spit. It’s time for a shrill trip down Buenos Aires way. Gobble up a queso fundido and get some real action south of the border. Wink! Is there bacon frying in the studio? Or fakon? Such a buzz! A good name for the white sister of a famous drag black queen: SuePaul. What are yours? Have you seen “Gay Chicken” on Xtube? Is it anything like LOLcatz? I can haz vag. The most disgust in the Xtube is some whiny whore getting from a big black guy. There’s your massive stimulus package. If you’ve just come out to your parents, calling 206-888-GAYZ should be your first stop afterwards. Axe a question. Leave a comment. Breathe heavily. Whatevs. Someone calls about the PNS Wikipedia page. Are you a cough away from a stinky or a sneeze away from a shart? Someone else calls in but I lost consciousness during the call. You will, too. Out. Of. It. Another caller has a question for everyone but can’t remember Rob’s name. Hey, buddy: it’s Rob! write it down. Don’t forget to watch “Keeping Up With The Sarkisians,” 9 Eastern, 8 Central. Cherilyn is brilliant. Big mega-shrill finish with “It’s A Hard Fuck Life”. You can buy a copy of the first 300 episodes of the ‘splosion and a bunch of vidcasts for $50, which is £34 in my money or 1,682 rubles if you’re Russian. Just go to PayPal and slide your cash into pnsexplosion.com to get that particular ball rolling. You know you want it. Liz out.

PNS333

PNS322 Nooner

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 03:20:40 PDT

PNS 332 show notes by This Random Woman --

Heeeeey!!! Watchya’ll doin’? I be gettin my drank on. You want summa dis? No? OK, be like that. These PNSexplosion peoples stopped me while I was running down the street with my gallon jug of wine to make a real important announcement. Here it is:

“PNSexplosion: The First 300 Episodes” is ready. Finally. Here’s how to get it:

1. Go to PayPal.com
2. Dump $50 into the PNS account: pnsexplosion@gmail.com
3. Make sure you include your mailing address!

You’ll get a DVD – signed, goddammit! – with 300 shit sammies and vidcasts. Yo ears is gonna be bleedin’!

Haven’t got a fiddy? Get yo friends together. Give 1,000 nickel beejers. Find a way. Or email Patrick and start bargaining.

I don’t know what the hell this show’s about. Everyone’s called Natasha, or somefin. They be reeeeeeeeeeal gay. Listen to it yoself. I see ya later, honey, okaaaay? Wooooooo!

PNS332

PNS331 Mandouche vs Ladydouche.

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 06:04:42 PDT

PNS331 show notes by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- A gay man in a musical? Whatever next? While Rob’s on assignment, Marc and Emily are back for round two. Here’s how to use “sharmoot” in a sentence: “Ikhlassy akhrasi ya sharmoot wa iftahy khashmik.”* Time to get down to business: lady business. Emily fields more questions about gyne, like what the hell is going on down there and how does it work? They smell like Depends, taste like Chicken In A Biskit and you can use them for off-street parking. Handy! Patrick says he once fingered a gyne in his Dodge Omni, although he was probably looking for loose change in the seats and got carried away. The tables turn when Emily and Marc ask about man-douching. Water in, precious stones out. No vinegar, no basil. What-what? 10 quick questions for Emily from virgins, 13-year-olds and clueless boys. I think we all learned something. Urethra Franklin might want a little respect, but not in that demented hat. Who sent in “The Book of Bunny Suicides”? Own up! Ashley Simpson has shruggy shoulders and the Joffrey Dancers have supertight boxes. A lovely new tune to infect your brain: “Suddenly I Queefed.” Vanity plates to consider: DIK SKR, FNGR BLST or 2PNK 1STNK. Call 206-888-GAYZ with your burning questions. Liz out.

PNS331

*Translation: “Shut up man-bitch and open your mouth.”

PNS330 Marc and Emily!

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 04:09:26 PDT

PNS330 show notes by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II -- Welcome to PNSexplosion. May I take your order? Two special guests in the stujoe tonight: Emily and Mark. Can you say “married heterosexuals”? Give it a shot: ˈmarɪd hɛt(ə)rə(ʊ)ˈsɛksjʊəls. Don’t panic, though – they’re the funzies kind. Pat says 17% of PNS listeners are gynes, so 82% must be cocksuckers and 1% are just assholes. Some uplifting chat about lung cancer reminds me that when I get my shift break I’m going out by the dumpsters and sucking down a Misty Menthol Ultra Light 100. Emphysema never tasted so fresh. A listener sends in the best of American cinema: “Joey Silvera’s All American She-Male Road Trip” and “Bra Bustin’ and Deep Thrustin’”, which Noah will enjoy later in 5.1-channel surround sound. Boi-oi-oing! Miley Cyrus drops by to read from her autobiography – she’s 16, for fucksake – and manages to knock a beer into the mixer with her Venetian horse veneers. Panic and hilarity ensue. And yes, she’s getting her bean flicked by that hot model. Hey, Nadya Suleman – your vagina is not a clown car. Emily’s working up a case of fetal alcohol syndrome before answering listeners’ questions about lady parts. Americans love soft, round things, which explains both why men like boobies and Kirstie Alley’s entire career. What do you call your vagina? I call mine the Maj Vaj. Works for me. Tonight’s Irrelevant Pop Culture Moment™ stars David Boreanaz, Jayden Rayne Boreanaz, Mischa Barton’s clueless parents, Kimora Lee Simmons and Djimon Hounsou. Gesundheit! Noah makes a valiant attempt to identify a Kardashian: close, but no cigar. Gayle says Oprah never gets anything, so I guess her $1.5 billion pile of cash means jack shit. How do you fix a broken vagina? You can’t – just get a new one. Watch the “Betwixt the Show” vidjoe on the PNSexplosion Podcast page over on Facebook, and dump some comments on the PNS blog, Boomtacular.com. Here’s your McSkillet Burrito with Sausage, Cheese, Bell Peppers and Onions. Would you like bowl-spattering, blood-flecked diarrhea with that? Oops — too late. Next, please.

PNS330

PNS329 JFG Mayo

pnsexplosion@gmail.com (PNS) — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 07:28:21 PDT

PNS329 show notes by special guest, Jackeé Harry -- Miss Jackeé in the house, y’all! I am excited, I am very thrilled and I am, ooh, vibratin’ to be telling y’all about this here Penis Explosion. That sound kinda dirty. He-he! OK. What they talkin’ about here? Farts? What the hell? I gotta talk to my agent. Why that girl wanna put a mic near her ass? Wait — that’s a man? Damn! Now they be talking to a boy called Andy from Tennessee. Why they want him on this show and not a cert-i-fied su-per-star like me? Oh, well. He sounds nice enough. He’s got a jar of JFG mayonnaise and a Sony Cyber-shot. We should get together, Mr Andy. We could have us a real good time. Hoo! Giiirl, he sound der-licious! I don’t know who these JonBenets or Caleys or Chandras or Natalees are. They all sound very, y’know, white. But I know who Lil’ Kim is and I sure know who Little Debbie is. Mmm-hmm. Unwrap me a smile or, even better, unwrap me a box of them Chocolate Fudge Swirls – and I mean now! Someone calls in to ask when you can tell your child is gay. My baby’s daddy was my hairdresser from Joyce’s Exquisite Styles & Hair Care. You can do your own math on that one. I need to gets me a real man. I wanna do my own thing thing and more of it! Kate Winslet, don’t you be calling up this show and talking about yo damn Ocscar! You ain’t never won no Image Award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series and guess what: you ain’t never gonna, either. I gotta go buy me a Hoveround. Ooh, Mary!

PNS329

★ PNSexplosion ★

PNS353

PNS352

PNS351

PNS349 Noah Fakes Analphylactic Shock (again)

PNS350

PNS348 Lisa Rinna's downstair lips

PNS347

PNS346 PNS Floor Mic® *by Mennon*

PNS345 Set your eardrums to stunned.

PNS344 Yiffing Kirstie Alley

PNS343!

PNS342 I Smell Husbands.

PNS341 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part Troi

PNS340 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part Duece

PNS339 Your Cup Runneth Ovary Part One

PNS338 Piles of Colored Fondant Formed into Vizslas and Vag

PNS337 Full-face Shart in Two-seconds Flat.

PNS336 Soleil Moon Fry’s enormous tits tweet

PNS335 And then there's me.

PNS334 PNS to go.

PNS333 I can haz vag.

PNS322 Nooner

PNS331 Mandouche vs Ladydouche.

PNS330 Marc and Emily!

PNS329 JFG Mayo

PNS346 PNS Floor Mic® by Mennon