Perfectly Imperfect

I Crave Authenticity

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 14:22:00 +0000

I find that I crave authenticity more and more as time passes. But, I can't seem to reconcile anonymity with authenticity. And, as such, I'm going to walk away from blogging. Maybe temporarily. Maybe not.

I started this blog as a place to vent my writing aspirations. But as time passed, I found that it wasn't enough. It wasn't what I was looking for. I didn't fit.

That's nothing new to me; I have struggled with finding my niche---finding my place at the table---for as long as I can remember. I'm still looking for where I fit.

I won't be deleting the blog because I'd like to look at it from time to time---and also have the possibility of returning to write someday. But I am going to make it private, probably this coming weekend.

I will still be reading blogs on occasion---some of you are too interesting not to :) But I'm going to spend less time online so I can climb my mountains and continue my quest. A quest for authenticity.

Google Queen posts here!

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 12:00:00 +0000

Just call me Google Queen. Or, Queeny. Whichever you prefer.

Let me 'splain. No, there's not time; let me sum up...

There is a tree in my yard that produces tart, red, oblong berries. I've never made anything with them because I didn't know what they were. I was told that they made excellent compote and hard liquor, but I don't care for either of those things, so I did nothing with them.

Last night I decided to google and find out what these berries are. I quickly found out that they're not berries at all, they're drupes.

Tart, little, oblong, red drupes.

Sounds appetizing, no?

Digging deeper and deeper, I found out that the tree is a dogwood variety, a Cornaceae---specifically, a European Cornel. The "berry" is called a Cornelian Cherry. I already knew they were too tart to eat, but I didn't know that I could use them in any recipe calling for cranberries. That's great! Maybe this Thanksgiving, we'll have "cranberry" sauce. YAY!

This knowledge, thanks to Google, brings quite a bit of giddiness to the heart of this hobby gardener!

Yes, I'm a geek!

Keywords that get you to this blog

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Sat, 19 Feb 2011 11:46:00 +0000

Statcounter is pretty cool and tells me all kind of odd things about my blog---how many people viewed it, how long they stayed, which posts are most read, etc. But the one thing that I get a kick out of more than any other is the "Keyword Analysis" option.

This is when someone googles a particular word or phrase and somehow ends up at my blog.

I thought I'd share a few of the more interesting ones with y'all...

-Sarmale recipe
-Missionary struggles
-Finding the hero in your husband
-Missionary interview questions
-in what episode of the cosby show did cliff stuff the cake with papertowels
-doll bowl cake
-Modernday prince
-enlarge diva cup holes
-things missionaries need
-healthy food plate for climbing a mountain- child friendly
-How can something be perfectly imperfect
-I m just so perfectly perfect except when I m not I m just so seemingly sunny until things get too hot
-Things missionaries can't do

I can see why some of those things would lead (eventually) to my blog, but others are just strange. Definitely good for a laugh!

Have you had any interesting keyword activity?

A list of missionary frustrations

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 14:41:00 +0000

I can make a list. A very long list. And yet, I feel a slight twinge of guilt at constantly posting about the negative side of missionary life, and rarely posting positives.

But it's just a slight twinge ;)

1. Where's the Walmart?
2. No size 10 flip flops?
3. What? No chocolate chips? How can this be?

But seriously, here's my real list:

1. Lack of online schooling options for MKs. It's crazy!
2. International life insurance plans----like a needle in a haystack!
3. Good medical care options
4. Good dental care options
5. More needs than resources

What about you? What is your list?

I love Valentine's Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 07:59:00 +0000

Valentine's Day is wonderful!

Sure, it could be argued that it's a day of gross commercialization, preying on the one constant that everyone craves---LOVE! But, how romantic would that be?!

I'd rather embrace the day.

I love Love Day, but not for the reasons one might expect. It's not just because of the chocolate (and that's saying a lot for this chocoholic). It's not just because of the floral bouquets. It's not just because of the soft lighting and romantic music.

It's because on this One Day a year, I realize that I don't need it. I don't need a grand display of affection.

And the reason I don't need it is because every day is Love Day in our home. We find little ways to show one another how much we care all day, every day. Oh, don't get me wrong, we find enough annoyances to balance out the mush, but we have a strong foundation of love and respect and this is shown in our actions toward one another.

As of this year, I spent more Valentine's Days with My Love than without. And I can honestly say that though I loved him as much as I could back then, I love him more and more as the years go by.

Please Pray

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 20:28:00 +0000

Little Susanna Whittaker went home to be with Jesus today. Her family is brokenhearted and could really use our prayers.

Click here to read her story.

An ever present help

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 19:14:00 +0000

Sometimes it feels like He's nowhere around. Sometimes I wonder if He even cares. Sometimes prayers seem to fall quickly to the ground.

But feelings, wonderings, and seemings aren't truth.

The truth is, He can't help but care! He's always around. He hears every prayer. He's an ever-present help.

God is awesome! He knows all things, can do all things, holds the world in His mighty hand, and keeps everything spinning where it ought to be----and yet, His tender touch can heal my little wounds. His soft voice can minister to my hurt. His eyes, though watching over an entire universe, are tenderly watching me.

I don't know about you, but that helps me. Presently. I am loved. I am special. I am seen. I am heard. I am known. I am wanted. I am helped.

I am His!

Pictures!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 17:11:00 +0000

I'm all out of things to say (shocking, I know), so let's see some pictures!

German Chocolate Cake

Filling for Bean and Rice Enchiladas

Kool Kitty!

Doggy Dude(tte)

Missionaries, want folks to write to you? Try these tips :)

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 09:07:00 +0000

I understand well the feelings of frustration and loneliness missionaries get when they are seemingly forgotten by their supporting churches, especially the Home Church, so I have come up with a few tips that may help you. Be sure to let me know how it turns out :)

Church folks have absolutely no idea what you endure. They are unconsciously oblivious. But we can't really blame them for not understanding, now can we? I mean, most of us had no idea what we would endure until we actually went to the field, so it's unfair to expect anyone outside your field to truly understand.

That said, they can be taught...

The Direct Approach:

Write a letter to your Pastor, explaining your needs. You don't have to tell a sob story. Simply state that you and/or your family would benefit greatly from regular correspondence from the church. Explain that simple letters or emails would be a tremendous benefit to your mental and emotional well-being.

The Indirect Approach:

Mail them first.

Once a month, mail out ten postcards to people you would like to hear back from. Put on the card, "Missing you in [Country Name]". or, "Thinking of you in [Country Name]."

The Passive-Aggressive Approach:

Send out a mass email, updating everyone on mission/family life in your country. At the end of the letter, write the following: "We want to thank everyone who has written notes of encouragement. We thrive on those."

Does the Passive Aggressive Approach actually work? Meh, not so much ;)

However, The Indirect Approach works rather well, in my experience. You see, the important thing is to keep yourself and ministry ever before the people. This responsibility rests on your shoulders, and if you don't do this, the sad truth is, many will forget. It's honestly not intentional (for the most part). They just forget.

Well, don't let them forget. Don't come across as bugging, but send nice little things (postcard, short note, momento) often enough that they don't forget.

And when they do write back (and I'm confident someone will), never neglect them. If someone emails, don't forget to reply. When someone writes, write them back. If someone mails your child a birthday card, have your child write a thank-you note back. People LOVE to be appreciated!

Try it! Go out this week and mail out ten postcards. Or write a heart-felt note to your Pastor. Or, if you're feeling spunky, write a mass email with a little passive-aggressive note at the end. Either way, don't accept the silence. Put up a fight!

And I know you've got some fight in you! You ARE a missionary, afterall.

Big hugs, my friends!

Do you really want to know?

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 13:54:00 +0000

Dear Church Members,

Why do you not write? Why do you not call? Do you not care? Or is it that you care so deeply that to hear of what we endure would cause you sleepless nights? Your silence is deafening. We write, but you do not. Do you pray for us? Do you read our letters? Do you hear the soul cry from this nation in which we serve? Are you going about your daily life, oblivious to what goes on in the foreign fields? Do you prefer to not see outside your own routine? Do you remember us at all? Could you not write one kind word? Could you not mail even one Christmas card? Do we matter so little?

Sincerely,
Your Missionaries

Could you have written that letter? If so, you are not alone. I realize that this knowledge does not make the despair any less, but perhaps you will feel less lonely. I wish I had the right words to make field life better for you. It is my prayer that church members who read my blog will be ~~guilted~~ inspired to be better with correspondence. And that missionaries who read this will be encouraged that they are not alone. Never alone.

Tomorrow I will write with some advice as to how to garner some verbal support. :)

I'm still here

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 07:28:00 +0000

I around here somewhere, but have had neither time nor ambition to formulate a well-thought-out blog post (not that it ever stopped me before ;) ). But, if you'll hang on, I'll come up with some posts about how weird missionaries are, how stinky fundamentalism can be, and how to make a good cake even better.

Or something like that.

Sounds from our car

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 12:54:00 +0000

We're not quiet car-riders. At any given moment, 3-4 conversations are swirling about.

But yesterday was particularly funny.

I want you to picture this, but first I need to introduce you to the key players:

My Love drives and I sit in the passenger seat. Behind me is child 1. Beside him, in the middle of the middle row, is child 3. Next to him, behind my Love is child 2. In the back row, behind child 2, is child 4. Beside her is child 5. Clear as mud?

Okay, so picture this:

It's a rainy evening and we're driving in the big city. Things were sort of quiet when my Love said, "I just want to get back to where everything looks familiar," which, as I'm sure you would find quite normal, prompted me to break out in a, "Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name. And they're always glad you came..."

As I'm singing, child 1 asks, "Why would I want everyone to know my name?" To which child 3 says, "Dude, you're going to be a famous artist! Of course the world will know your name." Then child 4 yells out, "The whole world is going to know my name!" Child 1 threw back a, "Why on earth would anyone want to know your name?" She, undeterred and still excited reminded him that she will be a famous author. Child 3 asked if the whole world would know his name.

And then, as if it were a part of the conversation they were all having as I ~~bellowed~~ sang, child 5 yells out, "I KNOW HOW TO SPELL 'ROCKS!'"

This is when I stop singing and start belly laughing at the ridiculous chaos that is my family!

Sometimes the noise drives me nuts, but then I'm reminded that they're only young for a short time and I won't be able to hold on to them forever---then I can find comedy in their noise.

Plus, I obviously add to the noise.

Sing with me! "... You wanna be where you can see your troubles are all the same. You wanna go where everybody knows your name."

Let's lighten the mood around here and talk about..... Toilet Paper

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 17:40:00 +0000

I am brand loyal when it comes to toilet paper. It is a brand that I've tried and proven, and, it's cheap.

But this week, my kind was out of stock, prompting me to have a major meltdown in the toilet paper aisle. Back and forth, top to bottom, end to end, I pored over every brand and style. Two-ply, 4-ply, single roll, double roll, quilted, etc. Every kind was there.

Except mine.

I quickly came to a decision----I did not want my butt to smell like oranges, peaches, lavender, flower gardens, or Asian nights. Or even aromatherapy.

Why, oh why could I not find a simple, white, non-scented toilet paper, strong enough to not fall apart in my hands, yet soft enough for delicate tooshies?!

So I settled. And, I'm unhappy with it. It was more expensive, yet crappy.

Zebra brand, please return to the local grocery store!!!

What about you? Are you brand loyal? What is your TP of choice?

Too many mountains, too little time

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 13:57:00 +0000

Perhaps I've opened Pandora's box with this whole mountain thing. Honestly, I knew I had two mountains I had quit climbing--and that I needed to try again, but a little harder. But while talking through it with my Love, and trying to figure out how to get myself on track, another one smacked me in the face. It ended up being a big'n, overshadowing the other two.

So now I need to focus on climbing the big one, but I'm afraid if I leave the other two alone, I'll lose sight of myself and my original dreams.

But maybe this is the path I'm supposed to take. I don't know

I have spent some time in the last couple of days, trying to talk myself out of the climb---either that or trying to pump myself up.

All I know is that I spend too much more time just talking about the mountain, I'm going to get aggravated. I'm ready to DO something.

Gosh I'm an oddball!

Thinking more about the mountain

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 20:31:00 +0000

I'm getting a little closer to the mountain, about to start my climb. I'm nervous. Maybe I'll quit. Maybe I'll get tired and fall back down. Maybe I'll....... FAIL!

Fear of failure has caused me to turn back from several mountains in my past, I'm ashamed to admit. My Love said something to me about a week or so ago---that one cannot win if they're too afraid to fail. This has stuck with me.

Well, that and the story he told to the family as we sat around the table last night. He said that pushing through when times get tough is sort of like riding a bike up the hills around our home. Sometimes if you push it out as hard as you can, you make it to the stop rather quickly. But sometimes you can't push it out any more and you have to get off the bike and walk it up--you don't get there as fast, but you still get there. Sometimes you have to pull off the the side and rest so that you regain the strength to press on a little farther. But what happens if you quit? If you turn around and go home? You never see the beauty from the top of the hill. You never experience the feelings of accomplishment. You forever look at the hill and remember that you quit.

I have applied his story to my mountain. Maybe I'm ready and have the strength to climb it---pushing it out until I reach the top. Or, maybe I'll push as hard as I can until I get weary and then slow the pace. Or perhaps I'll have to take rests along the way. Sometimes I may have to lean on someone to help me along---or carry me. I may have to crawl at times.

But---and I say this with tears still---I need to make it to the top. And not just for me, but for my children. I want them to see a shining example of how hard work can pay off---and that quitting is not the answer.

And while I'm tacking the figurative mountain, I may have to try the literal one as well!

Climbing that mountain

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 20:32:00 +0000

There is a mountain looming before me. It's a mountain I tried to climb before but always found a way to stay at camp.

But it's not going away.

So, dear ones, I'm going to try to tackle that mountain once and for all! Wish me luck!

Do you have a mountain you need to climb? Can I pray for you?

Redeeming the time

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 13:08:00 +0000

Thoughts of time give me major anxiety. And not just thoughts of eternity past and future, which are far beyond my human comprehension. Mostly, it's just time.

There's never any time. No time to relax. No time to rest. No time to sit and veg.

But on the other hand, there's no time to waste. People need help. Churches need a preacher. Children need to be fed.

And as a Mom, I feel the weight of time. My kids will be grown before I know it and I have very little time left to teach them what they need to learn. I find myself wavering between wanting time for myself and realizing that my time could be better spent.

How do you deal with time? Have you found a balance?

Food and Me (Final Post, Finally!)

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 11:10:00 +0000

{What an emotional week! Want to read the the tale from the very beginning? Click here, here, here, here, and here}

Ah, what fad diet did I try next? It's hard to remember.

Low-fat, Low-cal, Low-carb--all those have been tried ~~five~~ one time or another. Beside those, I tried not eating after 7, not snacking, and I even gave up Coca-Cola for a time. But the oddest of them all was the Shangri-La Diet. This one involved drinking light oil a few times a day. Um, yuck. And, um, yeah, dumb! But, in my defense, weight/food issues are rather consuming and one is not always rational when battling them.

The scariest moment for me was when I was battling deeply, struggling to keep my head above water, and I heard a voice in my head. It said, "Everything will be better if you go throw up! Your weight will be better. Your husband and family will be happier with you. Go throw up!"

I fell on my face, tears falling in quarts to the floor. I cried out to God for help. Even now as I write that, I can't help but cry at the memory.

It was a pivotal moment. I knew at that very second that I had taken a wrong turn somewhere along the line and my weight obsession was unhealthy. An outsider probably could have spotted it years before, but to me, I was just another insecure gal, fighting the battle of the bulge.

Looking at me on the outside, you'd never know that I had bulemic thoughts. I mean, anorexia and bulemia people have their bones sticking out and are all pale and stuff, right? Isn't that what we all think? But me, I'm a thick girl. Rosy cheeks. Muffin top. Strong. Curvy. I don't fit the stereotype. And yet, the strong draw to go throw up was there.

As I sit here I feel incredibly thankful that I didn't.

Shocked and scared by that one ugly moment, I tried to run as far and as fast as I could away from thoughts of weight, food, etc. I turned to Dr. Rita Hanckock's book, The Eden Diet (which, is a bit of a misnomer since it's not really a diet at all) and for the first time in several years, I found some peace within.

But, as I've found in many facets of life, peace is fleeting. I wish I had taken it by force and held onto it, but I let it slip through my hands.

Months have gone by and I'm once again pulling out of an ugly cycle (though not as ugly as the moment I described above). This time I'm reading Geneen Roth's book, Women, Food, and God.

As I click through the pages (Kindle for PC), I see myself in so many of the words. I had so many lightbulb moments in the first chapter alone.

So far I've learned that my food issues stem from my overall feelings of inadequacy. I never have felt like I measured up, and my weight/food issues are just a very large way it manifests itself.

Also, I do much better when my mind is occupied with productive thoughts----writing, reading, teaching, ministry, painting, remodeling, gardening, etc. A bored mind is a dangerous mind. The less time my mind has to over-think and bring me down, the better. For now I'm keeping it busy, but in time I hope that I can sit and give in to the thoughts and bring them into captivity---but for now, I'm running from them.

Another thing I've learned is that when I don't medicate myself with food (particularly of the chocolate variety), I bite my nails. I'm not really sure why.

And lastly, I've learned that I'm not leaning on God like I should and I have been trying to carry all of this in my own strength. When the truth is, I'm about as weak as they come and I can hardly believe I tried to carry something so heavy by myself. How foolish I've been!

So here's the plan: There's not really a plan! I eat healthy meals everyday and when emotions make me want to eat, I busy myself with other things. And during date times, I eat just a little less healthily (like, a glass of Coke and/or some good chocolate). I also put away the scale.

And---and this is the biggest part---I'm spending more time meditating on Christ and His Word. I'm spending more time focusing on the needs of others. And, I'm feeding the creative side of me instead of feeding my emotions.

It's all part of being Intentional.

{If you know someone who struggles with weight and/or food issues, the best thing you can do is love them. Be a listening ear. Pray for them. So many deal with these ugly things and no one ever knows of their struggles. There is a certain shame about it. Be a friend. Be a comfortable place for them to land. Love, love, love!}

Food and Me (Part 5)

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 18:28:00 +0000

{You know the drill ;) Click here, here, here, and here for previous Food and Me posts}

Fifty pounds down was really something. I felt better than I had in years. And yet, I wasn't satisfied because I still had another 20 or more pounds to lose.

Stalled. Stuck. Plateau'd. Whatever you want to call it, the scale wouldn't budge and I was bummed (to put it mildly).

Around that time, I was picking on our Jewish friend--a man whose skin was orange and was well known for eating carrot sandwiches (a raw carrot inside a whole wheat pita pocket)--because he was eating dry seaweed powder out of the palm of his hand. He laughed at my jokes, but insisted that he felt better as a result of his diet. He handed me a book about the Hallelujah Acres Diet.

Now, this stuff is really something! Carrot juice for breakfast, and every hour or so after, until lunch. Lunch is a plate of raw fruit. Afternoon snack is another glass of carrot juice mixed with barley powder. And for supper, a large salad and a small portion of cooked, vegetarian foods. Or, something along those lines---it's been years since I read it.

I had initial misgivings about some of the teaching (the gospel of good health, for one), but decided that vegetarianism was worth a try. I became lacto-ovo-vegetarian. HAAAA! How's that for a label?!

I drank carrot juice first thing in the morning and ate sugarless, vegetarian meals the rest of the day. I really did feel good (though I never ate green powder from my hand). I had another pregnancy which was the absolute best I ever felt while pregnant. And then after the babe was born, I dropped another 25lbs. I felt amazing.

But feeling amazing is difficult to maintain.

Though I looked great and felt healthy, I still felt ugly. I would never, ever measure up to my expectations. I was my worst critic.

All the while, everyone complimented my determination. I became the girl who lost 75lbs.

I really liked that label because it was an accomplishment I could be proud of. But wearing that name tag meant that I couldn't ever gain a pound---or I'd be the girl who once lost 75lbs but let herself go and got fat again, and that wouldn't fit well on the name tag.

I didn't eat granulated sugar for about six years. It was something I was oddly proud of.

But even with my sugarless vegetarian eating habits, sedentary life and depression took their toll and I gained 10lbs. I was devastated. This meant that I must go even more extreme!

So I fasted. Juice fasted. For two weeks. I lost the ten pounds and then gained them right back.

So I went raw vegan for thirty days. At the end of the thirty days, I was craving ham and bean soup. Raw vegan FAIL!

Life got busy around that time and I focused on things other than my weight. We moved to the village and did a LOT of hard work. It was so freakin' hot outside so I went and got us all some vanilla ice cream to cool us off.

This ended my sugar-free streak.

And it tasted sooooooo, soooooooo, SOOOOOOO good! And once I tasted chocolate again, that was all she wrote. I was hooked!

My weight slowly crept up, but nothing terrible---only a few pounds.

I kept telling myself that the weight gain was nothing and that if I went back to my old way of eating, the weight would come right off. Boy was I wrong...

I know you're on the edge of your seat (LOL!), but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to read the rest.

Food and Me (Part 4)

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 13:47:00 +0000

{Continued from here, here, and here}

Life has a way of spinning you around so fast that time flies and you find yourself completely lost on the other side, wondering how on earth you got there.

That pretty much describes the next few years of my life. Babies, babies, babies. Oh, how I loved them babies!

Nearly all my efforts went into the care and raising of our babies. I didn't get out much, but I kept rather busy with the babies.

By the time a fourth baby was born, I was plum worn out! I loved my family, but I was tired. I could tell you all about cloth diapers vs. disposable, breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, hospital birth vs. homebirth, vaccinations, VBACs, Diaper rash cream, etc, but I couldn't even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror.

She was a stranger to me. She didn't look like me. She was fat and lazy. She wore frumpy old lady clothes. I didn't like her at all.

But I trudged forward.

One day I found myself crying into a bucket of ice cream--probably fudge swirl--(I preferred not to eat out of a bowl---when you eat out of a bucket, you don't really know how much you ate) while the babies napped and I watched Oprah. I cried off and on for the next several days.

Finally, I had had it. I was getting ready to take a shower (again, while babies napped) and stopped to look in the mirror---now, you need to understand that I had tried my darndest to avoid mirrors for several years, yet somehow I was drawn to the mirror on this particular day. I looked at my face and my body and began to cry. Then, with tears having streaked my cheeks, I looked at myself in the eyes and said, "I hate you!" through gritted teeth.

Backing away, I felt wounded---by myself. Slowly I walked back to the mirror and looked at myself again. This time with a little less anger. This time I said, "I'm not doing this anymore! This has GOT to change!"

And I did.

I went into the kitchen and bagged up every bit of junk food (sugar cereals, chips, fruit snacks, etc). I knew it wouldn't affect my Love because he had long given up sweets for blood sugar related issues. It wouldn't affect the kids because they were small and didn't really care what I fixed (and I had been careful for them to not eat too much junk).

I went mostly low-carb. I went with the mantra "If it's white, it's not alright" or some such nonsense.

I lost 50lbs.

My friends and in-laws complimented my weight loss and my family worried that I had gone Anorexic. My Love was steadfast; he loved me when I was at my highest and at my lowest. He was my strength.

I had more weight I needed to lose, but I hit a plateau and the scale wouldn't budge. Though I was 50lbs lighter, I found myself with many of the same feelings I had back at the mirror.

To find out which fad diet I tried next, stay tuned...

Food and Me (Part 3)

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 13:46:00 +0000

{Continued from here and here}

When I became a Momma, my life became a little more sedentary. I sat to rock, sat to nurse, sat to hold, etc. And even though I sat a lot, I was still very tired. Always tired. So I sat a little more.

I held on to the last ten pounds of baby weight and then was pregnant again, with our second child. My pregnancy weight gain was always in the normal range. Somehow. I have no idea how, actually, because pregnancy gave me an excuse to eat. But even with an excuse to eat, I still hid some of it.

I remember one day late into the pregnancy---we were supposed to go to an honor banquet at our Bible school in the evening, so in the afternoon, I showered and dressed and did my hair. Then as our firstborn was napping, I got out some Starburst jelly beans. I intended to only have a handful, or two at the most. But, as my intentions seem to go, I ate far more than that. Actually, I ate the whole bag. Then I got sick.

But that's not the worst part. My Love was coming in from work to get ready for the banquet, and my Grandmother showed up unexpectedly to give me her 50 year old china---all as I was running to the bathroom to vomit.

They stood outside the bathroom door asking me if I was alright or if I needed help. I assured them I was fine and threw up a little more.

At that point, my Love knew I was too sick to go to the banquet. Actually, I was fine after throwing it all up, but I couldn't tell anyone that---I'd rather they think I was ill than to tell them what really happened---that I ate a whole bag of jelly beans all by myself and my body rejected that much sugar.

That's a whole lot of ugly right there!

But that's not the end of the story. Come back tomorrow for another ugly adventure of Food and Me.

Food and Me (Part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Thu, 06 Jan 2011 08:46:00 +0000

{continued from here}

At the time I was more in shock by their lack of portions than my own portion control. In my mind, I always ate less than the rest of my family---or even the church people (Baptist, not surprisingly I'm sure :) ).

But for some reason, which I've not figured out, I felt the need to hide extra eating. Hiding it was not necessary in our home because everyone ate a lot---it would not have pinged on anyone's radar that I wanted an extra brownie before bed. But I would sneak it.

I never did figure out the hiding thing. Did I not want anyone to see me eat? Was I ashamed of eating too much? I don't know.

While my Love and I were dating, we each saw the stark contrast of our families (in many, many ways). His family ate very small portions and seemed relaxed when they ate. My family devoured large portions and focused solely on eating. We enjoyed our food, but our focus was not on fellowship around the table; it was all about the food and just how much we could eat.

You know the old joke.... You know why Baptists are so fat? Because every time they pray, they think it's time to eat.

Every bit of fun we had revolved around eating---family holiday dinners, youth group pizza parties, every-fourth-sunday-church-potlucks, etc. Fellowship and food went hand-in-hand.

Then I got married and I began to host family dinners.

I was much more comfortable hosting my side of the family because they always showed up on time with their invisible bib already tied on. They loved my cooking and ate it all, down the last morsel. Whereas, my Love's family would show up 30 minutes late (with the food getting cold, and me pacing the length of the kitchen) and eat an ounce of turkey, a couple tbsp of potatoes, ten kernels of corn, and a half a biscuit. Sometimes they'd even leave food on their plates.

Honestly, I didn't like the in-laws coming over for any eating other than dessert. Their picking drove me insane! They were kind and complimentary, but their eating habits made me feel all weird.

So I became on oddity to both sides.... my side thought I would waste away if I didn't eat three helpings and his side thought I was a rather hefty eater.

All the while, I was birthing a bunch of babies and holding on to more and more baby weight each time.

Tomorrow (or the next day), I'll tell more of the story...

Food and Me

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 18:45:00 +0000

We were an eatin' family!

Even at a young age, any one of us kids could pack away three plates of spaghetti and meatballs, to the apparent satisfaction of our parents, who, on many occasions, would boast about our wonderful appetites. Dad would talk about my older brother, who he described as "husky". He would talk about how that he was a chip off the old block and that he would grow up and be rough and tough and play fabulous football.

Chubby meant healthy.

I didn't really pay it much attention as a child because we were loved the way we were and encouraged to clean our plates and get some more.

So I did.

And then when I could, I would sneak even more than that. Three oreos after school became 10. A bowl of cereal became three or four.

Yet I managed to stay fairly trim, compared to most of my family. I suppose it was because I was a tom-boy.

Then I met the man of my dreams (Hi, Honey!). He was tall and thin and played baseball like nobody's business. He invited me to his family's home for Sunday dinner.

You know what they ate? Half a "chip chop", three tbsp of mashed potatoes, four green beans, and a half a roll. And then proclaimed themselves full!

Whaaaaaa? No way!

I remember joking with them about their bird feed, to which my then-future-Mother-in-Law replied, "You live to eat, but I eat to live."

More tomorrow...

Thoughts on food

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 12:53:00 +0000

I have many thoughts on food. Too many, perhaps :)

I'm reading through Women, Food, and God and have a lot mixed thoughts, most of which I'd like to sort through here---sort of my own psychiatrist couch, if you will. I may park here a while depending on how many thoughts I have. Ready to rummage through the recesses of my mind?

Meh, me neither.

But here we go anyway...

Everyone comes to the table a little differently. Some pull up with fork and knife in hand, ready to dig in, and some slowly pull up, nibbling and sipping all the way.

I'm more of the former.

I love to eat. I love the taste and textures of certain foods. I love the smell. I love the feeling I get when I fix my family a nice, tasty meal.

But I also medicate myself with food. Chocolate, anyone?

I'm going to try to organize some of my thoughts so each post won't be so willy nilly. I look forward to trying to put these feelings into words.

Then again, maybe I don't. We'll see...

The More-excited-than-anyone-should-be-about-such-things Post

noreply@blogger.com (Carrie) — Mon, 03 Jan 2011 17:19:00 +0000

Yes, I'm that excited.

I know you're on the edge of your seats; I can feel it.

You're ready for the bloggy infomercial of a lifetime, ain't ya?!

Got your paper bag ready in case the excitement brings on the hyperventilation? Got your phone and credit card ready?

Um, then you're going to be terribly disappointed ;)

But since I've goofed off long enough, let's get right to it...

Kindle for Pc!

A handheld Kindle is in the horizon for me, but for now, I'm using the Kindle app on my mini laptop. It's fabulous!

You can bookmark, highlight, and make notes. It holds your place so you don't have to remember where you left off. And, it works in my part of the world, which gives it an extra special air of awsomeness!

Just before Christmas I browsed Amazon for free Kindle books and found tons. Already I have filled my Kindle for PC library with numerous classics, sappy Christian romance novels, and cookbooks.

Oh, and did I mention that this app is free? Yes, free! Free fun for everyone!

I'm just too giddy! Somebody stop me!

Later I will review some of the books I have been reading, the most exciting of which is, Women, Food, and God.

But we'll save that excitement for another day--wouldn't want to wear y'all out. :)