Pages of My Life

Grapefruit: Eating It The Proper Way

2014-09-04T23:46:00.003+08:00

I've often heard how tasty a grapefruit could be. I had my awful first time grapefruit-eating experience back then by eating it like how you eat an orange. Yap, LOL. I swore that I would never eat grapefruit again. And it left me ponder why people still love eating it. I wasn't a google-savvy person back then and I didn't bother to find out more.

In recent years, I feel so stupid knowing that I actually eating it the wrong way. And I gave it shot of trying to eat grapefruit again. So I should only eat the pulp. But how? I was taught to eat it like how you eat a pomelo. The process of disposing the peel and membranes of grapefruit is painful because grapefruit pulp are not as harden as pomelo pulp. Once you are done, the bowl of grapefruit pulp would be grapefruit juice instead. It took me 15mins or more to separate a grapefruit pulp from the membranes. Yes, I finally get to taste the real sweetness of a grapefruit but having to go through all these processes, I don't enjoy eating it anymore. So this is another painful experience I learned.

Tonight, I feel so happy that I found an easiest and proper way from YouTube on how to eat a grapefruit. I'm sharing the video which I found it here. I got so excited and had a total of 5 grapefruit altogether with my sister. I will have a pleasurable grapefruit-eating experience from now on :D

Faith

2014-08-23T20:56:00.000+08:00

Faith is the one thing I'm holding onto all along. Faith keep me going forward. I feel thankful for where I am. Dreams are possible to realize. If you could dream it, you can do it. That's the principle I always apply. I made a promise to myself and I've proved where I want to be. I love how life treated me. Be it good or bad. I took everything life threw at me. When life is good, it would not stay permanent. There goes the same when life turn its back at you. Nothing really stay permanent. Life ain't easy but we have to enjoy the ride and make it worthwhile. Just remember to SMILE in whatever circumstances and I assure you that everything's gonna be alright :D

Meanwhile, save up more and....

I want to go travel,

I want to go travel.

I'm already seeing it coming now!

In Memoirs

2014-07-18T23:47:00.002+08:00

Today in 1993, feels just like yesterday since you've been gone. Year 1993 seems so far behind but I do still miss you so much especially on this day. I wish you would be here to see on how far we've become and guess what? We have an addition to our family. You'd been an uncle to our fourth niece just two months ago. I would imagine our nieces would have so much fun running in the meadow with you.

I often found myself secretly look up to you and shared my stories with you at times when I could no longer have the strength and motivation to hold on to. I'm sorry if I did made you feel bored listening to my life setbacks.

Time flashing too fast and I'm chasing time everyday. I wish I could slow down but the society doesn't permit me. I've been on the right track 'cause I know that I am no longer having the urge to look backward. I am certain of what I want and what I will be getting in life. My past does not dictate who I am today. I let it go and sail with the flow of waves.

Everyday, I would try to laugh or smile on at least one thing that I've did. There's a saying, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions". Over the past decades, I finally understood on how happiness could be achieved just by the very little own choice that one could make. And of course, I choose to be happy on everyday.

Happiness is enjoying all the small things while chasing after the big ones in which I did so. I would slow down my walking speed and observe the things around me and appreciate it beautifully with a smile.

I learnt to put myself ahead of everyone else. I have to love myself first. Self-loving isn't a selfish thing. I am no longer the Ellie from the past. My second life starts now. Nothing is worth more than today.

Asking The Right Question Is The Right Answer

2014-07-07T21:39:00.000+08:00

Came across an article online which worth a year of thought provoking questions to get your mind moving. Whenever I feel stuck, these questions makes me ponder and I found my answers. I hope these would help you too.

When was the last time you tried something new?
Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
What gets you excited about life?
What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Do you celebrate the things you do have?
What is the difference between living and existing?
If not now, then when?
Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
What does your joy look like today?
Is it possible to lie without saying a word?
If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
Which activities make you lose track of time?
If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?
When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right?
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Would you break the law to save a loved one?
What makes you smile?
When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
What do we all have in common besides our genes that makes us human?
If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?
Would you rather have less work or more work you actually enjoy doing?
What is important enough to go to war over?
Which is worse, failing or never trying?
When was the last time you listened to the sound of your own breathing?
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
What does ‘The American Dream’ mean to you?
Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
If you could instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby’s mind, what advice would you give?
What is the most desirable trait another person can possess?
What are you most grateful for?
Is stealing to feed a starving child wrong?
What do you want most?
Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
What has life taught you recently?
What is the one thing you would most like to change about the world?
Where do you find inspiration?
Can you describe your life in a six word sentence?
If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
What impact do you want to leave on the world?
What is the most defining moment of your life thus far?
In the haste of your daily life, what are you not seeing?
If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?
Have you ever regretted something you did not say or do?
Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?
What is your most beloved childhood memory?
Is it more important to love or be loved?
If it all came back around to you, would it help you or hurt you?
If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing would you do it?
If a doctor gave you five years to live, what would you try to accomplish?
What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
Who do you think stands between you and happiness?
What is the difference between innocence and ignorance?
What is the simplest truth you can express in words?
What gives your life meaning?
Can there be happiness without sadness? Pleasure without pain? Peace without war?
What’s the one thing you’d like others to remember about you at the end of your life?
Is there such a thing as perfect?
To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
What does it mean to be human?
If you looked into the heart of your enemy, what do you think you would find that is different from what is in your own heart?
What do you love most about yourself?
Where would you most like to go and why?
Is it more important to do what you love or to love what you are doing?
What do you imagine yourself doing ten years from now?
What small act of kindness were you once shown that you will never forget?
What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
Do you own your things or do your things own you?
Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?
How do you deal with someone in a position of power who wants you to fail?
What do you have that you cannot live without?
When you close your eyes what do you see?
What sustains you on a daily basis?
What are your top five personal values?
Why must you love someone enough to let them go?
Do you ever celebrate the green lights?
What personal prisons have you built out of fears?
What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?
Why are you, you?
If you haven’t achieved it yet what do you have to lose?
What three words would you use to describe the last three months of your life?
Is it ever right to do the wrong thing? Is it ever wrong to do the right thing?
How would you describe ‘freedom’ in your own words?
What is the most important thing you could do right now in your personal life?
If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, who would you ask and what would you ask?
If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
What is your number one goal for the next six months?
Would you ever give up your life to save someone else?
Are you happy with yourself?
What is the meaning of ‘peace’ to you?
What are three moral rules you will never break?
What does it mean to allow another person to truly love you?
Who or what do you think of when you think of love?
If your life was a novel, what would be the title and how would your story end?
What would you not give up for $1,000,000 in cash?
When do you feel most like yourself?
When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
What is your greatest challenge?
How do you know when it’s time to continue holding on or time to let go?
How do you define success?
If someone could tell you the exact day and time you are going to die, would you want them to tell you?
If I could grant you one wish what would you wish for?
What have you read online recently that inspired you?
Why do religions that advocate unity divide the human race?
If you could live one day of your life over again, what day would you choose?
What can money not buy?
If you left this life tomorrow, how would you be remembered?
Beyond the titles that others have given you, who are you?
If you could live the next 24 hours and then erase it and start over just once, what would you do?
Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?
What makes everyone smile?
What do you owe yourself?
What would your ‘priceless’ Mastercard-style commercial be?
Can you think of a time when impossible became possible?
Why do you matter?
How have you changed in the last five years?
What are you sure of in your life?
When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of?
What’s the difference between settling for things and accepting the way things are?
How many of your friends would you trust with your life?
What’s your definition of heaven?
What is your most prized possession?
How would you describe yourself in one sentence?
What stands between you and happiness?
What makes a person beautiful?
Is there ever a time when giving up makes sense?
What makes you proud?
How do you find the strength to do what you know in your heart is right?
Where do you find peace?
When have you worked hard and loved every minute of it?
How short would your life have to be before you would start living differently today?
Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?
What would you do if you made a mistake and somebody died?
Who do you trust and why?
If you were forced to eliminate every physical possession from your life with the exception of what could fit into a single backpack, what would you put in it?
When does silence convey more meaning than words?
How do you spend the majority of your free time?
Who do you think of first when you think of ‘success?’
What did you want to be when you grew up?
How will today matter in five years from now?
How have you helped someone else recently?
What is your greatest skill?
Do you see to believe or believe to see?
How are you pursuing your dreams right now?
What’s the next big step you need to take?
If today was the last day of your life, would you want to do what you are about to do today?
If today was the last day of your life, who would you call and what would you tell them?
Who do you dream about?
What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind?
What are you looking forward to?
What is the number one thing you want to accomplish before you die?
When is love a weakness?
What has been the most terrifying moment of your life thus far?
Who is the strongest person you know?
If you could take a single photograph of your life, what would it look like?
Is the reward worth the risk?
For you personally, what makes today worth living?
What have you done in the last year that makes you proud?
What did you learn recently that changed the way you live?
What is your fondest memory from the past three years?
What are the primary components of a happy life?
How would the world be different if you were never born?
What is your favorite song and why?
With the resources you have right now, what can you do to bring yourself closer to your goal?
What are your top three priorities?
Why do we idolize sports players?
What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
What do you see when you look into the future?
What makes you angry? Why?
What is the most valuable life lesson you learned from your parents?
What does love feel like?
What are your favorite simple pleasures?
If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself one thing, what would you tell?
What do you do to deliberately impress others?
What will you never do?
Excluding romantic relationships, who do you love?
What is your earliest childhood memory?
What book has had the greatest influence on your life?
What three questions do you wish you knew the answers to?
What is the greatest peer pressure you’ve ever felt?
What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true?
In your lifetime, what have you done that hurt someone else?
What’s the best part of growing older?
What’s been on your mind most lately?
What do you think is worth waiting for?
What chances do you wish you had taken?
Where else would you like to live? Why?
What motivates you to go to work each day?
What do you wish you had done differently?
What is your greatest strength and your greatest weakness?
When was the last time you lied? What did you lie about?
What made you smile this week?
What do you do with the majority of your money?
What motivates you to be your best?
When was the last time you lost your temper? About what?
What will you never give up on?
When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?
How would you describe the past year of your life in one sentence?
What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
What makes you uncomfortable?
If you had to move 3000 miles away, what one thing would you miss the most?
What worries you about the future?
What one ‘need’ and one ‘want’ will you strive to achieve in the next twelve months?
What life lessons did you have to experience firsthand before you fully understood them?
Do you like the city or town you live in? Why or why not?
What’s the best part of being you?
When you look back over the past month, what single moment stands out?
What do you do to relieve stress?
What is your happiest memory?
What is your saddest memory?
What would you like to change?
How many people do you love?
What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?
What’s your favorite true story that you enjoy sharing with others?
Right now, at this moment, what do you want most?
What are you waiting for? How are you writing your life’s story?
What makes love last?
What good comes from suffering?
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in the last year?
Based on you current daily actions and routines, where would you expect to be in five years?
What was your last major accomplishment?
Through all of life’s twists and turns who has been there for you?
What or who has been distracting you?
What are you looking forward to in the upcoming week?
Who is your mentor and what have you learned from them?
What are you uncertain about?
What do you think about when you lie awake in bed?
What’s something most people don’t know about you?
When you have a random hour of free time, what do you usually do?
What makes you weird?
If you could relive yesterday what would you do differently?
What do you do over and over again that you hate doing?
Would you rather your child be less attractive and extremely intelligent or extremely attractive and less intelligent?
What white lies do you often tell?
What is the biggest change you have made in your life in the last year?
What do you understand today about your life that you did not understand a year ago?
Whose life have you had the greatest impact on?
What did life teach you yesterday?
Who impresses you?
What have you done that you are not proud of?
When should you reveal a secret that you promised you wouldn’t reveal?
How would you spend your ideal day?
What is the one primary quality you look for in a significant other?
What do you admire most about your mother and father?
What is the best advice you have ever received?
If you could live forever, would you want to? Why?
If you had to be someone else for one day, who would you be and why?
What positive changes have you made in your life recently?
Who makes you feel good about yourself?
What is your biggest regret?
Which one of your responsibilities do you wish you could get rid of?
What’s something you don’t like to do that you are still really good at?
What type of person angers you the most?
What is missing in your life?
What is your most striking physical attribute?
What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
Who would you like to please the most?
If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change about the week that just passed?
When you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?
Who would you like to forgive?
At what point during the last five years have you felt lost and alone?
What is one opportunity you believe you missed out on when you were younger?
What do you want more of in your life?
What do you want less of in your life?
Who depends on you?
Who has had the greatest impact on your life?
Are you happy with where you are in your life? Why?
In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
How have you sabotaged yourself in the past five years?
Other than money, what else have you gained from your current job?
Whom do you secretly envy? Why?
In twenty years, what do you want to remember?
What are you most excited about in your life right now – today?
What experience from this past year do you appreciate the most?
What is the most enjoyable thing your family has done together in the last three years?
How many hours of television do you watch in a week? A month? A year?
What is the biggest obstacle that stands in your way right now?
What do you sometimes pretend you understand that you really don’t?
What do you like most about your job? What do you dislike most about your job?
What’s something new you recently learned about yourself?
In one sentence, how would you describe your relationship with your mother?
What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?
What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
What makes you feel secure?
What is your favorite sound?
What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?
What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?
What is your favorite smell?
What recent memory makes you smile the most?
In one word, how would you describe your childhood?
What celebrities do you admire? Why?
What is the number one motivator in your life right now?
What music do you listen to to lift your spirits when you’re feeling down?
If I gave you $1000 and told you that you had to spend it today, what would you buy?
What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
What is your biggest pet peeve?
Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?
What is your biggest phobia?
What are some recent compliments you’ve received?
How many friends do you have in real life that you talk to regularly?
How much money per month is enough for you to live comfortably?
When was your first impression of someone totally wrong?
How many hours a week do you spend online?
What do you love to do?
What specific character trait do you want to be known for?
Are you more like your mom or your dad? In what way?
What is the number one quality that makes someone a good leader?
What bad habits do you want to break?
What is your favorite place on Earth?
What do you love to practice?
What questions do you often ask yourself?
What are you an expert at?
How would an extra $1000 a month change your life?
What things in life should always be free?
What is your favorite time of the year?
What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?
What is the most recent dream you remember having while sleeping?
What confuses you?
In what way are you your own worst enemy?
When did you not speak up when you should have?
What is your favorite quote?
What is your favorite fictional story? (novel, movie, fairytale, etc.)
Where or who do you turn to when you need good advice?
What artistic medium do you use to express yourself?
Who or what is the greatest enemy of mankind?
What’s something you wish you had done earlier in life?
What is the closest you have ever come to fearing for your life?
How do you deal with isolation and loneliness?
What do you know well enough to teach to others?
What’s a quick decision you once made that changed your life?
What have you lost interest in recently?
What makes life easier?
What was the last thing you furiously argued about with someone?
What job would you never do no matter how much it paid?
What is the number one solution to healing the world?
What could society do without?
What stresses you out?
Now that it’s behind you, what did you do last week that was memorable?
Where do you spend most of your time while you’re awake?
What makes someone a hero?
When in your life have you been a victim of stereotyping?
When was the last time you felt lucky?
When did you first realize that life is short?
What is the most insensitive thing a person can do?
What can someone do to grab your attention?
What do you usually think about on your drive home from work?
What’s one downside of the modern day world?
What simple fact do you wish more people understood?
If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
How would you describe your future in three words?

Switzerland: Snow Tubing

2014-04-21T22:08:00.001+08:00

I had the time of my life in Mt Titlis, Switzerland. Captured a video of mine sliding off on a tyre tube at snow park.

Happy Valentine's

2014-02-13T23:39:00.001+08:00

To be loved is to allow your heart to be vulnerable.

2013

2013-12-31T23:50:00.000+08:00

On this very last night of 2013, I am here blogging and recalling how far I've become throughout the journey of self-rediscovery and life has gotten me such much excitements this year. I'm falling in love, again. Just that this time, I fell so in love with MYSELF.

All these while, I never like giving suggestions or bring out my ideas of doing things. Simply because I don't like to kill my brain cells to think too much and I am afraid of rejections. I always classified myself as a follower and I finally decided that I am done being just a follower.

I always wanted to do something different than the usual with my family and I did it. I managed to brought them to the places they never been.Being as a Malaysian for so long, I only had my first visit to the Gua Tempurung earlier this year with my family.

I am glad that I had cure my acne skin although having no monetary return on this investments but it's all really worth my every penny.

All the while, I was never in the limelight whenever I went to the company events. Earlier this year, I was being nominated best dress for Retro theme in my company's Dinner & Dance and close to winning the best dress. I didn't won it.

I've been saying yes to most invitations and I am more open up to what life has offered me whether it's good or bad. I'm beginning to love the trills in life that gave me adrenaline rush most of the time.

I took the roller coasters with my eyes wide open for the first time. I had it my little sister at the Universal Studios of Singapore. We had so much fun together.

I actually joined the Hello Kitties craze at the McDonalds. This was never me before.

I had my vacation to Taiwan with a group of girlfriends. It feel so good to be able to travel again after my previous vacation to Hong Kong in year 2007.

Witnessed the sunrise as early as 5 a.m. at Ching Jing mountains.

I love how Taiwan people build their houses on the mountains.

I immediately fell in love with Ching Jing the moment I arrived here. Amazed by their beautiful scenery with the blue blue sky.

I noticed Taiwan do have certain places that carried similarities of those in the western countries. It looks like I've been to San Francisco.

I enjoyed and appreciate every moment of bonding time with my family for I don't really get to see them everyday. I have the intention of traveling to every little part of Malaysia with them. I love traveling on road trips. We visited the Taiping Zoo.

I had my second vacation for the year to Bangkok. This time I brought my parents together. Seeing my parents in their happy moments and I am contented.

We had our first overseas vacation together. We are planning for more next!

I won the best costumes for the first time in my company's recently Dinner & Dance for Oceanic theme. I was a jelly fish by the way.

This year was wonderful and I can't wait for what's next. Goodbye 2013.

Welcome year 2014! Happy New Year!

Let It Go

2013-12-04T23:03:00.000+08:00

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, to overcome and move on. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.

The Process of Infidelity

2013-11-13T00:23:00.001+08:00

Around this time 2 years ago, I was with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I was married to this man for 3 years. I remember I was so thankful for the love that I had. I gave all my all faith to my partner and loved him with every ounce of my heart and soul. And so I thought, he was The One.

We had our wedding reception 2 years after we were married. Just weeks before our wedding reception, my partner made a poor and destructive decisions that breaks everything we had into pieces. He cheated on me with his coworker. He lied to me on his secret meetings and blamed me for being paranoid. It was a blurry lies and followed by a painful slow discovery that the person I admired and adored, wasn't the same person that I knew.

Of all my previous postings, I purposely didn't mention the reasons I annulled my marriage because I needed some time to heal and to process my feelings before publishing this post. Neither would I want to make this seem like I'm doing it for a revenge. It has taken me a lot of courage to share this personal experience with you because I felt shamed on what happened.

Yes, all of us knew everyone makes mistakes. It is not the mistakes that defines a person's character but the matter of how they react to it. Somehow, I hoped he would redeem himself. That he would be accountable for his actions, work for my forgiveness and try whatever he could to make things right. I hung on to the faith that he would step up be the man that I thought he was. But, he didn't. That was the most disappointing part of all.

I was still living with him for the next 6 months after I found out he cheated on me. My health was deteriorated and I had lost 5 kilograms in matter of weeks. I experienced my first panic attack. In that period of depression, I was in such ultimate low where I was not rational nor I could see the end of my suffering. My mind was filled with destructive thoughts. It felt as the world had collapsed.

Regardless of the support from friends and family, I still felt terribly alone. To have your heart breached and wounded feels like there is dark clouds of misery which follows everywhere you go. It's still with you no matter how hard you try to distract yourself. Even in your sleep, you cannot escape and it haunts you in the form of nightmares. You feel trapped because there is nothing you could do to make it go away. During this time, I reached out to him for help. In his own pain, he didn't know how to handle me. Instead of responding with compassion and care, he had ignored me and I felt like an inconvenient bother. I watched the man that I loved, I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, treated me like I was nothing to him. As if one day I was the world to him and the next, I was simply irrelevant.

Two years aftermath, I have worked very hard to pick up every little pieces of me. Turning my pain into inspiration to be stronger, smarter and wiser. I've come to an understanding that pain is only a temporary feeling. It's just like the feeling of hunger. When you feed, that feeling will be gone. There goes the same with pain. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and it is okay to break down and cry. You will begin to realize that moment of pain soon will be gone.

I would still allow myself to feel whereby in the moments of sadness, confusion and anger creep upon me, I would break down in tears. These tears go way beyond the experience of betrayal and it stem down inside of me. That makes me wonder if I will ever be worthy of love from a man.

Perhaps he wasn't capable of showing me the care I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at that time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope and cutting me off was the only solution he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I lived in denials during our relationship and I lived in a fantasy I created in my own head. I don't wish to paint him as bad person. Sure he is someone who did something bad but deep down in my heart, I knew his intention was not to hurt me. What has happened came from an unhealthy choice of mine and I have to take accountability to the fact that I attracted to him to my life in the very first place.

I have no idea how he felt, what he thought or how he handle his pain and shame. I was one of the few people he let in his life and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him either. I'm pretty sure there are some deep-rooted issues of his own which caused him to make the decision he did. Although I am the one who was betrayed, there is a different sort of pain he has to dealt with - guilt. I'm not sure which is worse but likely that both are awful to experience and I doubt he would have the courage to share his part of story.

Feeling betrayed, is a dark place that could control your thoughts and behavior. In the process of dealing with the pain, I dehumanized him. I lost compassion and I forgot that his actions came from a place of his own darkness. I dismissed that he was trying his best to cope as he knew how. All the great memories, the times we laughed, the special moments have became blur in the bitterness. And that was shame, just because the ending was bad, it doesn't dilute the incredible moments we once shared and to look back only to see the bad ending was an unfortunate and a disservice to myself.

The ego in me feels frustrated, two years later and I still feel the remnants of that heartbreak. Sometimes it comes in wave whereby I feel like I have made no progress at all. And sometimes I look and thankful that all this happened because I've grown so much from the experience. There are ups and downs, and I am proud to say there are more ups now. And slowly that real authentic love does exist is starting to return.

It would be a lie to say I don't miss him. I am reminded of him often, from the food I eat, the places I visit, I pictured him there. Behind the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, there is still love and care that remains. That love will eventually fade, just like memories will and one day, so will the pain. I never felt him so alive and yet so dead at the same time. As if you are mourning for the dead because he wasn't available to me since then. That is how I classified the infidelity pain would be.

When you feel pain and suffering, it is difficult to see the light or the how the experience fits into the bigger picture of things. Hitting such a low was not an easy feat, however I feel as if it helped me mature. I am healthier both physically and spiritually than I have ever been in my life and there's a lot of positive momentum in my career and self-growth. On and off, I've given myself permission to be vulnerable and have allowed myself to process the plethora of emotions and old wounds that were triggered from the event.

I recalled some of darkest moments after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I was completely broken and I wanted him to fix me. Now, I realized I wasn't broken. I was just wounded. And those wound, though gentle care, eventually heal. I look back and think about that little girl, sobbing as if it was the end of world. I know now, the world was not ending, rather, it just had to hit a low in order for it get a lot better. And I did.

These struggles which I experienced, I see it as an opportunity to heal and to grow. There is no growth without change. You've got to let go of some old stuff. And that can be hurt. Often when I'm in the most pain, I realized it's coming from my trying to control everything or resisting the changes that come with the progress. But when you see the light, that beautiful next level and that's what you have to focus on. Surround yourself with those people who makes you laugh, who can see the essence in you and who loves you.

If you are experiencing something similar, you would go far beyond this stage by allowing yourself to go through the process of infidelity. Things will get better and the feeling of suffering will eventually ease. It is important to feel the sadness. Old feelings of remorse, regret, hurt and anger often have to come in in order to be released. You will be a better person, capable of a happier life, who you are when you are no longer burdened by the buried feelings that weighed you down or the self-defeating patterns that the pain produced.

Keep in mind that if you don't process the experience and allow the wound to truly heal, you will only endure the same suffering in some shape or form in the future.

Endure the pain, enjoy the gain.

Life Is Short

2013-11-04T08:25:00.001+08:00

Life is short. You shouldn't waste it being sad. Be who you are. Be happy. Be free. Be whatever you want to be.

Stop Comparing Where You're At

2013-10-31T18:56:00.001+08:00

Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough. -Daniell Koepke

One Decade

2013-10-20T20:56:00.000+08:00

It has been 10 years since I had started out working in Singapore. Back then in Ipoh, I worked for my dad and I had some odd part time jobs during school holiday. After graduated from secondary school, my choices are limited. I wasn't allowed to leave the town to further my studies. I'm also left with the choice of working in no other countries except Singapore.

I remembered when I first decided went to Singapore to start on my career, it was a brave move. I have no goals in life and I do not have any future planning. I was't too sure where should I live, what job I should be looking for and I was kinda lost.

I did some good scores in my SPM (O' Level). I refused to go the traditional way of spending 2 years in Form 6 (A' Level) and to carry on another 4 years in the local university which makes up the total of 6 years to complete a Degree. Having thought that could take me forever to obtain a degree, I've chosen the express way. I convinced my parents that I could complete much faster if I enroll into the private college. Without much thought, I hastily chosen the type of course which I'm not really keen of - Computer Studies. I couldn't care much because all I want was to complete my studies fast enough so I could start earning on my own. I've completed my Diploma in less than a year and I further myself to the Advanced.

In just 2 1/2 years time, I'm left with only one module to complete my Advanced Diploma. I'm pretty sure that I made the right choice because I am still beyond my friends but I was wrong. I failed my final module (Java Programming). Not just once but I failed for thrice. I found myself struggling.

At the same time, I couldn't deal with my dramatic relationship which had lead to my dramatic family issues. I had lost my focus and patience to carry on with my final module. I refused to face and overcome the mess that I've created. I am determined to leave Ipoh. I danced in joy when my best buddy Sabrina, asked me to join her trip to Singapore for job hunting. My chance is here. I wanted to leave. I dropped out of my college immediately without hesitation and left for Singapore.

Although, I did not complete my Advanced Diploma, but I'm still awarded with a Diploma certificate. With my somewhat Diploma cert, I wasn't even too sure if I could even make use of it because I have zero intention to go into the IT industry. I've created a mindset that I could earn my first pile of gold in Singapore. I am more than ready to work my ass off.

So I travelled to Singapore with SGD200 cash and a handheld travel bag. I put up in Sabrina's sister's place. I applied blindly for the jobs which was advertised on the papers and the web. I needed to secure a job quick enough because it's nearly impossible to survive on the cash that I have. I would take on any decent job even if it would mean being as a waitress. A week later, I found a job but it only lasted for 3 days because I don't quite like the idea of going door-to-door selling the company products.

It took me not too long to secure another job in administrative. I moved out to share a room with my cousin sister and her boyfriend. Obviously this was ridiculously awkward. I couldn't afford renting a room on my own during that period so I have to be extra thick-skinned for that 3 months. Later on, I moved to shared another room with some friends which became even more complicated and I got my cash stolen by my roommate. I started to live on my own thereafter.

I survived my first few months on bread loafs and canned food. I kept convincing myself that life wasn't that difficult because I didn't starved. There was a time where I attempted 4 century eggs at once because it was so dirt cheap and it cost me only a dollar plus for a meal. I suffered from food poisoning afterwards. I rejected century eggs intake forever since then. I learnt that living with parents it's the best choice because you will always be taken care of. I miss that each time when I fell sick.

I earned less than a thousand dollar in my first job and I survived. I never like to stay constant in my job. I want to know how far I could go so I had career switch and I was given opportunity to take on something new. I'm now dealing with figures everyday. I'm still keeping up with my part time studies and in another few more years I'm sure I'll be able to provide much better for myself. I learnt that if I made more wiser choice 10 years ago, I would have ended up much higher in the corporate ladder but I never regretted the choice that I made because I realized it's never to late to make a change.

In relationship wise, all I could say is my heart has been fooled before. I don't really care what would have been. Forgive and forget. I'm loving my single-hood and I'm having so much fun of it.

I'm living my life in moderation and keep trying to achieve my targets to realize my to-do lists. I've learnt that being rich in cash is nothing but being rich in the heart gives you everything. Life is that simple.

I now able to realize my dream to go on traveling with my friends and family. I've already been to 2 different countries in these 4 months! I hope to travel to each of the countries around the world in each year.

Ten years on, to stay or to leave Singapore? The hardest choice to make. This place leaves me with bittersweet memories.

Can You Handle The Ugly Truth?

2013-09-29T16:27:00.000+08:00

I really think that I should stop giving advice. It feels kinda awful when you know that you can't change certain thing. I'm glad when friends came to me and share with me with their issues. When they started to ask me what they should do, that's when I should take a step back. My advices is purely based on my own experiences and it's not proven that it will work on other people.

I often shared my life experiences with friends who practically lost their sense of direction at times. They often misunderstood that I literally tell them to do the exact as how I did in my past experiences. There comes the danger when I shared too much. I don't really care what others did because I only mind my business. What I dislike most is when I have to say, "I told you so". Immediately this four words made me feel so intelligent. If only I could foresee your future, I swear I will charge you by hour.

I'm just a normal human being. If you guys continue on asking me why is such and such is happening to you right now, I must be the God to have those answers. Most of our life experiences contributed to our maturity level and causes us to outgrown certain people.

I do not have the answer to why certain situation happened to you. But, I do know for sure if you continue asking too much why(s), practically you are wasting your every second and minute. What's even worst? You kept rewinding the same process over and over again. How many 5 or 10 years can you still waste it away?

If you don't really get what I've wrote above, fine. I'll be frank. I could really give you guys a very straight forward feedback if you really need my opinion so badly. I will not lie because I won't. Come to me if you don't mind getting a bitter taste of remarks from me. The best part is, the more bitter you feel of what others say about you, the more truth you will find out about yourself. Be blessed, because you know that is the ugly truth of who you really are. The truth is not always pleasant to the ears that is why they called it, "the ugly truth" isn't it?

What happens if you can't handle the ugly truth? So, you want only positive feedback which as good as lying forever to yourself and you are making others lying to you at the very same time. Denials. You are living in delusion. You can't accept negative comments. Yet you still want me to listen to your endless drama over and over again. Yes, I am willing to listen to those. But seriously, repetitively for the millionth time? Oh well, gone case. My mum taught me not to comment so much if I can't say good things to people. Period.

Universal Studios of Singapore

2013-08-09T01:13:00.002+08:00

Few months back, I visited the Universal Studio of Singapore (USS). This place didn't turn out to be that fantastic as what I would expected but it's the place where I could scream and yell as much as I want to. USS wasn't that huge and I couldn't really found a very nice background to snap that much photos here.

We headed directly to the Sci-Fi zone for the gigantic roller coaster ride as soon as we entered USS. I love roller coaster rides. We first rode on "Human" roller coaster which has no kick on me then followed by "Cylon" which I almost screamed my gallstone out during the entire 90 seconds ride. I screamed until I teared. WTF.

We attempted both roller coasters again for the second time thereafter. If you dare, please attempt the front row for both rides.

The next thing you must ride is the Transformers. All thumbs up for this one. Super duper love it. Rode twice on this as well. Choose front row seats to enjoy the full motion trill.

Thirdly, the Mummy's ride not too bad either. It is an indoor ride which you could see nothing but only the dark throughout the entire ride. Pretty scary but the ride is too short.

Far Far Away, there's Shrek's 3D short movie which worth spending your 15-20mins of time in there.

Enjoy the motion seats in the cinema and watch out for the water that sprays!

Do not waste your time for the Donkey's show unless you are coming here with your kids because this show is too kiddy for me.

Madagascar Crate Aventure indoor river boat ride appeared to be nothing interesting here. Just a normal sight-seeing along this ride.

Seriously, this boat ride can be pretty boring.

We went to the Lost World for a river raft ride. You will be surprised towards the end of ride. You will get wet and highly possibly get soaked too but depending on the location of the seat that you choose. I was lucky enough but the lady seated opposite me was heavily soaked from head to toe. Investing in a poncho is highly recommended.

In the inside of the Sesame Street Spaghetti Space Chase, the neon lights are very colourful and it's too dark for my camera to capture it.

I often didn't put much expectations on the food chain in these places. Highly overpriced and non-delicious.

Last but not least, you might wanna consider going on a weekday if you plan to visit USS which could saved you from the long queue of all the rides and probably saved you from purchasing the express expensive entrance ticket too.

Overall, I would say that my trip to the USS wasn't very satisfying because there isn't enough trill for me. Entrance fees costs SGD74.

Suck & DIY

2013-08-04T21:12:00.001+08:00

Read this and interpret it please.

Holiday in July 2013

2013-07-30T23:05:00.001+08:00

Could you tell where I've been?

Losing Everything Can Give You Even More

2013-07-10T23:12:00.000+08:00

I've lived,

I've loved,

I've trusted,

I've been lost,

I've been hurt, and

I've made mistakes.

But, I've learned.

In my late 20s, I may have lost it all but I never lose my strength to stand up again. When infidelity hits me, it hit me hard. I left my ex-husband after I got "fired" by him. It was a wrong fit from the beginning but I ignored the warning signs. My pride and ego wanted me to show everyone how blissfully married I was. The day I was told that I no longer needed, my instant reaction was relief. I wasn't going have to wake up the next day to carry the duty as a wife when there isn't any presence of appreciation.

Then, I panicked.

How am I going to survive this? Who would find out? Was I a failure? How am I going to tell my family? How would people look at me?

In my darkness period, I strived to focus on the light. I spent months thinking where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. I was surprised that I really liked myself when I am on my own.

Since then, my life has gone into a journey of self discovery. I started writing and pay more attention to myself. In turn, I get to know myself better by projecting my feelings from time to time. Writing started a chain reaction of self reflection. When you write about yourself, you tend to focus on issues you may otherwise ignore. I becoming more honest to myself and to others.

I never really like being unhappy for too long. Nothing can stop me from being happy. Happiness is what matter most. Do what you have to do in order to feel happy.

It is okay to ask for help.

My family has been there for me and they are the only one who accepts me wholeheartedly, at least forever.

I have superb friends who constantly checking on me just to make sure that I am doing okay.

There are strangers who always greet me with their smiles each morning when I walk across that road.

Some really old friends found me and we are in close contact.

How not to love these people?

I am, what I think I am. I dare to realize my dreams. I think positively of myself and I accomplished more than what I'd imagined that was impossible.

Post Trauma Aftermath

2013-06-30T12:19:00.001+08:00

For a millionth time, I'm really done asking myself, why me? Why me? This is real sickening. This question could lead to nowhere. I had been there and done that; but if you were to be given another chance to do the same thing again, would you take it? No doubts, mostly of you will. Who doesn't want a second chance? Do you know that second chance doesn't mean a happy ending. Sometimes it's just another shot to end things right.

People start asking me, will I ever date again? I was stunt at first. ~~Heck, this sounded more like, do you me to introduce some guys to you?~~ Yes, it hurts still until today. It's so much of the feelings inside of me. How could I love again when I'm so afraid to fall? Sometimes you don't get closure, you just move on.

First thing first, dating ain't my priority for now. This is the time to enjoy life to the fullest and to realize each of my dreams. I am a busy woman now and time is never enough for me. I allocated most of my time for my studies and spending leisures with my family, friends and non-stop challenge myself to find out what I'm capable of. I'm about to increase my trips of travelling and gonna leave my footprints on different places and countries.

First half of the year had just flew by. It has been awesome. I can't wait for what lies ahead. Should there be people who tell you that you'll never pull through, you stand up and say, I can make it through the rain.

I live life lively.

Things I Hated Most Became Things that I Love Most

2013-06-28T00:05:00.002+08:00

All my life, I swear that I never once like or I should say that I hated cats. Real cats, toys, figurines and enough said on anything that is associated with cats. Cats are my enemy and so yes, I categorized the stuffs that I hated. Nevertheless, the most well-known "Hello Kitty" the cat. Looking at the sight of it, really making me sick.

Today, I am not the Ellie Lam that you used to know. I started to look at the cats from a different angle and somehow I find myself started to love the things that I hated most. Now onwards, I collected the most recent kitties from McDonalds for SGD4.60 each with every value meal. This batch of kitties really blew my away. The colors of their suits that wrapped around the kitties flat-face head can transformed them into something that look so cute.

These are my first ever soft toys collection. Minus the Wizard and Singing Bones kitties. I didn't get to collect the whole set. The Hello Kitty craze is getting more and more absurd each week. Now that the craze has finally over today, none of you should be asking me for McDonalds again for the next few months. No, I'm not selling my collection away. Don't you dare to think about that!

Psssst!

2013-06-25T18:43:00.001+08:00

It has been very tough for the past weeks but thank god that I'm still alive! I have been battling with my exams 2 weeks ago and now I'm blogging from Ipoh :) Life still great as it is! I wish I could just stay here like forever. I am having the time of my life here.

Met up with a few of my old friends recently and we could still talk like we used to be. It was wonderful and somehow made me realised that how time really flies and another few more months it would be my 10th years working in Singapore! Gosh...do I sound like I'm turning old now?

Seeing my nieces in Ipoh growing so fast and yet getting so attached to me during each time I see them, made me feel heavy-hearted to leave Ipoh tonight :( I miss them already!

There's a lot of weird stuffs going around lately. The haze, the ice pellets rain and blah blah blah. Everybody here in Malaysia and Singapore are suffering from the wrongdoings of burning crops in Indonesia. Let's hope all these will be over soon.

Style: Previous Vs Current

2013-04-22T07:25:00.001+08:00

One of my girlfriend sent me this photo yesterday.

She commented that she missed my previous hairstyle of longer hair which I thought I looked pretty plain Jane with that. It's been more than a year that I had short hairstyle now. I don't denied that shorter hair does require higher maintenance than the long one.

I'm in fact pretty happy maintaining my current hairstyle for now. I'm of course do open up for other kind of hairstyles too! In the near future, hopefully I could actually changed to different hairstyles every now and then! Sticking to the same kind of style everyday can be boring.

Never Give Up

2013-03-25T21:20:00.000+08:00

Everything is possible and could only be achieved with one word, determination. How determine are you is defined by how persistent you are in getting it there. Yes, it ain't easy and a successful person doesn't succeed in overnight. Even the most successful person had encountered numerous failures before. Yes, you tried and you failed. You start questioning yourself whether have you been putting the exact efforts in getting the exact results that you wanted? If you did, and yet you still failed, so what? TRY AGAIN. You may feel rejected over and over again in your life but don't you ever feel dejected! Keep on trying again and again until you succeed. You will succeed. It may happen sooner or later but it will definitely happen for sure.

If you never try, you will never find out how far can you go. Here, for those who still feel stuck at the moment and couldn't find their way out, I suggest you start marching forward and find the confidence in you. If he can, she can, they can , I can too!

Stop Waiting, Start Moving!

2013-03-10T21:38:00.002+08:00

Yay! I'm one step closer in realizing one of my dreams for Year 2013! I'm about to achieve going to a place where I want to be. For a holiday! I can't believed that I actually spent years telling myself that, I want to go on traveling but never get the effort of getting it done these years.

How did I realized my dreams?

I have goals and dreams prepared like a map but, this will not enable me to get there. I have to get going! Begin working toward my goals. I believed one small step everyday will get me farther than what I may have thought. I have to be ready for obstacles on the way and be ready to do whatever needs doing to cope with them.

Remember, success is always dependent upon you. You have to decide to become effective after which follow through, using what is needed to get it done. Of course, you are able to sit and dream all day long lengthy, but action is needed.

DREAMS DON'T BECOME A REALITY BY THEMSELVES!

Decide. Imagine. Most significantly, do it!

I hope that you could work on toward realizing your dreams too.

All Good

2013-03-04T22:47:00.003+08:00

Whatever you put up with, you end up with. It doesn't matter of what could have been now. Life gonna gets better. Everything gonna be okay. I'm gonna be better.

Life biggest causes of unhappiness are the false beliefs you refuse to let go of. I'll never dumb myself ever again to make someone feel comfortable. Never!

Don't try so hard, you will never be me. Good luck with finding yourself.

Perk Up!

2013-03-03T20:19:00.002+08:00

I like how time flies, right now. It's already March, people! I ended my February with very busy work schedule despite of shorter working days. Life shouldn't be like this. Get out of here and do something great! If you could afford, go plan a getaway every quarterly or so. I would love to and I'm so gonna work on for one pretty soon :p

Do you feel very demotivated these days after a long break of Chinese New Year? I could have feel so too but I'm really too busy letting myself to feel that way. I don't know why. Somehow, I'm a kind of person who doesn't feel that Monday is always blue as it is. LOL. Perhaps over the weekend you are not having enough leisure or total zero leisure?

I always treat my weekends very importantly whereby I could really be myself and do things that I really like :) I hope you could do so too and not forgetting that tomorrow is Monday! Oopps! I shouldn't have mentioned that but it doens't have that much impact on me as it does have on you. *Evil laugh*