Grace with Fire

Sorceress' Wisdom

2011-11-02T16:55:00.000+08:00

The more you lavish
slavish attention
on him
While I shun
him
in deep Silence,
the more he becomes
more mine
than
yours.

S.O.S.

2011-02-27T10:01:00.002+08:00

Help!
I am in danger
of falling
into his arms
if you
don't catch me now.

2010-08-13T11:07:00.001+08:00

In another life

2010-08-13T10:51:00.003+08:00

In another life
more then three years ago
I would have chafed at the thought
that I could not speak to any man
in the laughing, teasing, flirting way
that I am sometimes
prone to speak,
just for the fun of it.

In this life
now, with you
It matters to me more
that I not hurt you
intentionally, or worse--
unintentionally--
when I speak to any man
in the laughing, teasing, flirting way
that I am sometimes
prone to speak,
just for the fun of it.

There is no fun in it anymore.

Loss of "freedom"?
Or growing depth in true loving?

In another life
the answer would have been
quick and glib.

It is not so anymore.

morning rush, morning ritual, random morning thoughts

2009-10-14T10:46:00.002+08:00

i woke up to a cold, rainy morning thinking it was only 6am, to find out soon after checking my cellphone clock that it was already 6:59am!

out i jumped from the bed, waking up Polo who was still snuggled in his comforter beside me, and then going to the girls' room and announcing the Time. it was a flurry of activities after then.

Thea went for her shower, while i asked the household help to transfer Polo's lunch into a neutral-colored Tupperware container as she put it in Bea's old pink (!) lunch box as i checked on Polo's and Bea's bags and their assignment notebooks which we failed to work on last night coming home late and tired from having to wait for Polo finish his soccer practice, then called out Polo's and Bea's names over and over again as i did Polo's Social Studies and English assignments while i instructed the household help next to bring Polo's and Bea's uniforms to them and wake them up for real.

we left the house by 7:30am and i got them in school by 7:50am, 5 minutes late.

sigh.

at 8am, i come home to a quiet house at last, turned on the pc to prepare it for later, put on Bach on the music player, and sat with myself as i ate my breakfast of rice, sunnyside ups, salted fish (tabagak) and corned beef, finishing it off with a banana and hot chocolate. but not before i talked with the help on which kitchen stock needs replenishing and discussed lunch and dinner to prepare for today.

as i sat there eating, i thought of the things i had to do for today--resume checking my Econ. classes' papers, go back to the beauty parlor i went to yesterday to have them retouch 3 of my manicured fingernails, buy the kitchen stock needed at home, then go to the office by 3pm so Bea can use the laptop when her schoolday ends and while we wait for her two other siblings end their schoolday, review the thesis paper i will panel for by 430pm, panel at 430pm, then bring everyone home by early evening and catch up with Polo and Bea on their homeworks.

i also had this stray thought-- there goes a day in the life of a 41-year-old single mom who lived in the year 2009, who managed not to let the morning rush stress get to her or else, she would have driven her and her children off to a morning car accident (!).

that thought was followed by another on a completely different track-- how Polo cried and threw a stomping tantrum last night when Thea just announced to no one in particular that she's watching "The Proposal" on dvd again and simply plopped down and changed the tv channel to video mode, when Polo and Bea have been watching a show on cable already.

for a while, there was a squabble, and it only stopped when i stepped in to ask Thea, who insisted that she already informed everyone about it, if she also waited for everyone's "permission" to her "information". Thea still protested but weakly this time, while she switched the tv back on to cable mode and went to her room to stew.

and i thought how, of all the three of them, Polo has the most sensitive heart and keenest sense of justice and injustice, while the girls have a tendency to try to get their way no matter what if they are not called on it.

and then, another thought-- how i see and know my children's hearts so well, and how, if i as a human parent, can know things this way, how much more our Heavenly Parent?

and now i sit at this pc, writing on this blog again, unwrapping my day, as Bach keeps me centered as best as i can be centered this morning.

My Tarot.com Horoscope Today : )

2009-04-10T10:36:00.001+08:00

The Universe affirms me in my actions (despite my doubts and fears,which I have decided to bulldoze through with action anyway...)-- yay, thank you, God! : )

***

Friday, Apr 10th, 2009 -- If there really are angels, they are watching over you today. It's as if an unseen hand is clearing your way through a difficult situation. Don't fight the assistance now, even if you don't understand where it's coming from. Rest assured that your actions are being supported, so be bold and take a risk to help someone else. In this way you can receive the blessings and benefits of propitious Jupiter and then, in turn, pass them along to others who could use a little magic in their lives, too.

Away

2009-04-09T08:27:00.000+08:00

away, you
have decided
to stay

away, i
have decided
to love you
anyway.

"My One Boobed Mamma" now on Amazon and B&N!

2009-03-08T11:53:00.002+08:00

My third children's book, My One Boobed Mamma, is now on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble! Yay!

(Please click on "Amazon.com" and "Barnes and Noble" above to link to the exact pages. Thank you!)

Happy International Women's Day to all the brave and soulful women out there!

if i stay

2009-02-07T09:21:00.003+08:00

if i stay
it is more for me
than for you
or us.

for once in my life
i don't want to be
the "Goodbye Girl"
anymore.

so

with what is (not) happening
now,
with any other love
before--
i'd walk away.

with you,
i'll stay.

riddle of the heart

2009-02-07T08:59:00.003+08:00

the Present, departing (?);
the Past, approaching--
whom will my Future be with?

25 (not so) Random Things

2009-01-24T16:41:00.001+08:00

Rules: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

25 Things

1. I am half Chinese by blood, a fourth Spanish, and a fourth crazy. Err, I also meant a fourth Filipino (but who is the Filipino with no other races' blood mixed in)?
2. I am a reluctant Chinese. I spent my kindergarten, elementary and high school years in a Chinese school, but I refuse to speak Chinese. Probably out of rebellion for the very strict, authoritarian (no questions asked, especially from girls) upbringing.
3. Funny thing, though-- I LOVE Chinese food!
4. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
5. When I grew up I wanted to be a book author. But then, Papa said writers starve. So then, I wanted to be a doctor. But then, Papa said with my very sensitive (he called it weak) constitution, I couldn't stand the pressure. So then, I wanted to be a nun. Papa went speechless with that. : )
6. Now I'm a happy book author and teacher and mother.
7. I discovered as early as age 6 that what I fervently, earnestly prayed for with all my heart, mind and soul, came true.
8. At age 6, I prayed that my (baptismal) name that I was using then, "Jeanette", be changed into "Mary Jane" (because of a popular song then which went, "Mary Jane of my mind..."). When I entered grade 1, the school asked for my civil-registered birth certificate, and lo and behold, even my parents were surprised and confused, my name was registered as "Mary Jean"! : O Civil registry clerks had a lot of power then... they typed whatever was convenient for them, and parents signed without checking.
9. Lately though, I've been using "Jeanette" again-- my spiritual name, as I've come into my own, come back to my own spirit at last.
10. I still feel so eternally blessed that I was able to pass through the proverbial needle of
a horrible marriage, had it annulled both civilly and in church, and came out much better for it. That's why I'm so careful now with just thoughtlessly giving my precious freedom away again... Uh-oh, not this time. I peer keenly into a man's CHARACTER now, especially in stressful, conflict situations. That's always the best test. (Shhh... sometimes when the going gets too easy... I make myself BE the stress! :> )
11. There are only 3 Rules I live by now-- always be true to your Self/follow your heart; be honest, be kind.
12. My deal-breakers: dishonesty (yes, including not being true to one's word) and cruelty in all forms.
13. I am an incurable romantic and indefatigable optimist.
14. I also love sex... and good food, and travel, and learning about many cultures, and books, and Nature, and long walks, and children, and good coffee with good conversation ... well, all the abundance of Life, really!
15. I am tired of starting all my sentences with "I" here, and my mind is going blank. But, Adeline started this, and is waiting for my turn.
16. I meditate regularly, almost daily, for 30-minutes to an hour. It keeps me centered.
17. I write on my journal daily, too. It keeps my mind clear.
18. I am relieved to see I'm on No. 18 now! : )
19. I can never over-repeat this: I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
20. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
21. I am also allergic to alcohol. Once I passed out just from Maria Clara Sangria. And even if I just taste beer suds or take a sip of wine or whisky, I turn beet red. Once in Romania, though, I drank two bottles of red wine, straight, just to keep warm. And then my older companions advised me to drink pitchers of water at the hotel afterwards, to prevent a hangover. I woke up very late, but feeling heavenly, with no allergic rashes at all. Maybe that's the exception.
22. There are only a few things I want to devote my energies to for the rest of my life now: being in good health (for me and my loved ones); living a happy Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family life with my Soulmate for the rest of our lives; helping touch and transform others for the better through my gifts in writing and speaking; and traveling the world with my Love and our children.
23. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
24. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
25. I am allergic to blamers and complainers. Enough said.

Thank you for reading down to here--congratulations! : )

Now it's your turn.

Today's Quote

2008-11-25T06:31:00.001+08:00

Take the word victim off of your person--out of your vocabulary. It reeks with the old energy and does not suit your magnificence.

-Kryon

Pumps

2008-11-05T05:28:00.005+08:00

i bought a new pair of pumps and wore them to school on the first day of second semester today!

yes, good old, solid, sensible, plain black, 1 and 1/2-inch- heeled pumps!

and im intent on wearing them during "uniform" days, 4 days a week, on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays now. : )

imagine that. me, who always chafed and strained against wearing shoes like these. the only other pair of pumps i have is plain and black indeed, but with a sexy design at the arch and at three-inched heels at that (more fit for bedroom play than for walking around school corridors heehee!)

if shoes tell the many moods of a woman and the phase in life she's in, well maybe mine has always been open and free-spirited-- with open-toed, stringed sandals; whimsical designs and flirty colors, or colored/patterned pumps with pointy ends and in all sorts of heel types and lengths.

now, i've come to this.

THIS.

i must really be finally settling down deep inside, huh. : )

hmmm...

i still have to get to wearing the current prescribed school uniform, though, as my uniform is still "any-form" that i feel like wearing.

heehee.

Have I Become A Crone Even Before Menopause? (Is this Why I Sometimes Feel I am Neither Here nor There, Never Belonging Anywhere?)

2008-08-30T07:11:00.008+08:00

From "Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women" by Jean Shinoda Bolen:

I am proposing that it is time to reclaim and redefine 'crone' from the word pile of disparaging names to call older women, and to make becoming a 'crone' a crowning inner achievement of the third phase of life.

To be a crone is about inner development, not outer appearance. A crone is a woman who has wisdom, compassion, humor, courage, and vitality. She has a sense of truly being herself, can express what she knows and feels, and take action when need be. She does not avert her eyes or numb her mind from reality. She can see the flaws and imperfections in herself and others, but the light in which she sees is not harsh and judgmental. She has learned to trust herself to know what she knows.

Those crone qualities are not acquired overnight. One does not become a full-fledged crone automatically following menopause, any more than growing older and wiser go hand in hand. These are decades that follow menopause in which to grow psychologically and spiritually.

How can a woman tell if her man is about to propose?

2008-08-06T23:00:00.001+08:00

I just asked this question in Yahoo Answers. I have three days to find out.

I would appreciate some answers NOW, though, so I'm posting it here, in case some kind soul deigns to help...

Thank you!

10 Ways to Honor Yourself

2008-08-01T03:40:00.001+08:00

To recognize and be ready for the Love you deserve, you have to start with loving your self in the way you deserve.

How?

Here are 10 suggestions.

I Wanna Grow Old with You

2008-07-31T06:14:00.000+08:00

I Wanna Grow Old With You - Westlife

Stop Acting Small, 2

2008-06-09T21:47:00.001+08:00

Barbara Stanny, in Secrets of Six-Figure Women, says,

Every time you leave the beaten path and aim for the exceptional, every time you silence your fear and speak with your own voice, every time you stop acting small and start taking up space, you are owning your power and emancipating others to follow in your footsteps.

***

Read "Stop Acting Small", 1 here.

Are You In A Toxic Relationship?

2008-03-09T19:31:00.002+08:00

I just took this online self-quiz and I am glad my results (0-4) confirm what I already know: I am in a healthy, loving, affirming one at last!

But, answering the test brought on memories of previous relationships with horrific levels of toxicity!!! Ohhhh, by the grace of God...!

Well, one can never know and appreciate Light without experiencing darkness, too, I guess.

Still, what a blessing and supreme joy to have finally arrived where I am, at last!

Thank you, God, for Your Amazing Love and Grace!!!

The Bride of Cheerios

2008-02-18T08:31:00.001+08:00

Do you eat it or marry it?

I love this video by Martha Williamson, a timely reminder on why we shouldn't settle for less-- in anything, but particularly in love relationships.

Please click on the title above to watch the video.

for B

2008-02-04T15:12:00.001+08:00

2008-02-04T13:07:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

My Love Language

2008-01-23T16:31:00.000+08:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		10
Words of Affirmation:		6
Acts of Service:		5
Receiving Gifts:		5
Physical Touch:		4

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Self-Care 101: Beating the Blues Positively

2007-11-19T12:39:00.001+08:00

it's that time again.

it's been a very rainy and cold Monday morning here; the kids are at school, im alone in the house, trying to trudge on with an editing project and the data analysis for my project paper which have been taking so long to finish, mainly for my lack of heart in these endeavors. but finish them, i must, if only so i can move on fresh and free with my fulltime writing dreams now...

im feeling lonesome, and needing some cheerful company, even some warm cuddling. sigh. but there's no one around. all the other important people in my world are engrossed in their own lives. sigh. even my email alert notifications have been silent and inactive for an hour now! : (

...

i run through the list of options in my mind, "tricks" in the bag i've discovered for my self that help me pick me up again healthily and happily. even just thinking about them while taking my shower, and then having my lunch alone, is already making me smile...

here they are (i do any one, or two, or all; whatever suits my fancy... and the degree of my need)--

1. take a longer shower than usual, really going about the shampooing and soaping slow and easy, in a pampering way... while repeating positive meditation mantras, or what i call my emergency mantra learned from Silva, when the dark cloud over my head is really about to oppress me: "negative thoughts, negative suggestions, have no influence over me at any level of mind."

2. sit down with my self over a proper, healthy lunch, even if i'm alone; really set the table for my self, with all the good plates and glassware and cutlery in place (treating my self like i would a very special guest; honoring my self, so to speak... goddesses don't eat on the run, they eat mindfully : > ); and making sure to eat only healthy food (my lunch for today: pesto on pasta, and mixed vegetable juice), because if i give in to the temptation of bingeing (emotional eating) on sweets, chocolates, ice cream, junk, i already know id just feel even worse afterwards. so as a preventive measure, i really just stock up on healthier foods now, and when the kids have the sweets, etc., with them, when im really tempted, i just take a bite, to satisfy the need for the flavor.

3. drink lots of water, while repeating another set of positive meditation mantra again : ) (don't laugh; check out how our thoughts affect even water crystals by searching for Dr. Masaru Emoto and his water experiments, or click here). it helps in several ways: i feel fuller so i don't need to eat more, the positive thoughts while drinking water do help me feel better even if it's just the symbolic physicality of ingesting the positives into your body, drinking lots of water speeds up metabolism; good for calorie-burning!, and a habit of water drinking clears the skin, the body, the mind.

4. write my current thoughts and feelings on my journal or blog, without any judgment, just expressing everything down; somehow the act of getting them down on paper (or blog) removes them from you.

5. sleep (i already did this earlier today, after i arrived home at 8am after bringing the kids to school).

6. self-pleasure. : ) (not in the mood, i need B's additional inspiration for this... : >)

7. list down all the things i am thankful for (never fails!)-- just thinking right now of how i could be so lucky just staying at home and doing what i want to do, when most everyone else in the world are struggling with work, even jobs they hate and people they don't like, instantly zaps major chunks of blues away

8. go to the beauty salon for a treat (pedicure, manicure, foot spa, hot oil, facial; any one or two, or the whole works, if it's really a major self-care job im needing)

9. go to the spa for a full body massage

10. date my self at my favorite restaurants

11. put on clothes i look good, feel good in, even some makeup and perfume, even while im just at home (not doing the perfume and makeup now; im not THAT down yet :> )

(also, not in the mood for 8-11 right now; it's too rainy and gloomy outside; i don't even want to go out and drive in this weather!)

12. meditate/pray to God to help me get out of my funk! ( i already did this at 3am today; it worked for a while, but i woke up to another funk the second time after... maybe i should do another session right after this, this morning's "dosage" was obviously not enough to last me the whole day...)

hmmmmm...

i actually already feel better now!!! : )

and i didn't have to shop (like most women i know like to do) and spend money better used for more necessary things, or bitch around and make other people also miserable!

and that's the best and most positive thing about these all.

oh, thank you, God.

getting through this seemingly mundane struggle is a spiritual feat in itself!

My Lucky Love Color

2007-11-18T18:44:00.000+08:00

my results -- (right on,again! : >)

Your Lucky Love Color is Purple

When someone gets to know you, the first thing they notice is how romantic you are. The most romantic of all the colors, in fact.
You are a big flirt and a total tease. Your antics get you in trouble, but they also get you what you want.
And unlike what your color might suggest, you are not a princess of any sort. If anything, you make your man feel like a prince.
Your heart is dreamy and open. You don't put restrictions on love - because you never know what can happen.

What Does Your Lucky Love Color Tell Men?