Treasures In Heaven

Footprints: The Trail of a Year

2012-10-24T16:53:00.001-05:00

Jesus said, “It is finished.” John 19:30

Sweet Friends,

Exactly one year ago today, I was sitting on the floor in our playroom playing with my precious McKinley, when the phone rang; it was my doctor. We had been anxiously awaiting the results from my biopsy, without any real fear that the results would come back negative. The doctor so sweetly said, "Randi, We have results from your biopsy and I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you have breast cancer." My heart stopped. I was speechless. I don't really remember much else in that conversation. I don't know that anything in the world could have prepared my heart for that news. I called Matt at work, bawling. I couldn't even get the words to come out of my mouth: "I have cancer." I didn't want to say it, because then it would be real. And I would have done anything in the world that day for it not to be real. Matt, being the incredible warrior that he is, just said 'Baby, I love you more than anything in the world, and we are going to get through this. God's got us. He must have a purpose' and then he just started praying. I cried, he prayed. I'm sure I had many conversations that day with the Lord, asking Him 'Why me?' I couldn't make sense of it in my mind. I was young and healthy, I had a 1 year old baby and a husband who needed me. I had no idea the plans God had for me. So, I cried... a lot. In desperation, I prayed. And prayed. This must be a mistake. But then I knew full well that God doesn't make mistakes. I wrestled with the Lord that day and on many days to come. Somewhere along the road, I stopped praying that God would take my cancer away, but instead that He would use it in mighty ways in my heart and in the heart's and lives of others. I clung so hard to God's promise: "For we know that in ALL things God works for the Good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 Okay, God, You've got this. I love you. Work it together for good. I trust you...

Y'all I sit here today, exactly a year later from the day that changed my life, and I have never been more certain of God's goodness. I have had 2 major surgeries, 3 minor surgeries, 16 rounds of chemotherapy, endless amounts of injections and medicine, been put into menopause, I've lost my breasts, my hair and potentially my ability to have biological children. Wow, that seems like a lot! But as much as I have gone through and as much as seemingly has been taken away from me, God has given me so much more. I am overwhelmed thinking about all that He has given me. He has given me a peace that transcends all understanding, a calm amidst a storm, a heart that is so deeply and desperately in Love with Him, a confidence in His plans, a husband that absolutely amazes me, a daughter whose spirit encourages mine every day, a family that has loved us to the uttermost, a beauty that comes from deep within, friends that have constantly reminded us of truth, sweet relationships with new friends, a crazy, flourishing ministry with our Young Life kids, divine provision to meet all our needs, and a deep, unwavering Trust in my Savior. God is so good, all the time. I knew about God's goodness before I had cancer, but now I have experienced His goodness with every ounce of my being. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. He had such a bigger plan for me, than I had for myself.

Last Tuesday, I saw Dr. O for the first time since I finished chemotherapy and she ran a gamet of tests on me. That morning, before our appointment, I sat still in the presence of the Lord and asked Him once again for a peace to flood my heart. Oh, those icky feelings of worry and anxiety were creeping in. I deeply wanted to hear good news from the doctor, but I felt the Lord reminding me to guard my heart. "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" Proverbs 4:23. I could hear him saying, "Randi, no matter what news you receive today, I love you and I am good. Don't stop trusting me now." So, here we were again, Matt and I anxiously awaiting the results from my tests. Matt prayed. Except, this time, my doctor so sweetly said, "Randi, we have the results from all the tests, and there is No Evidence of Disease!" NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE means NO CANCER in me. Praise God!!! "Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord, my soul. I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live!" Psalm 146:1-2 To God be the Glory. Although I have had the dream team of Doctors and unbelievable medical care, I know with full certainty that the Great Physician was ultimately the one who healed me. But even if they would have told us that the cancer was all over my body, it wouldn't have changed God's goodness. I have learned well this year that God's plans often differ than ours because He can see everything in its entirety. "God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens" Job 28:23-24 As my sweet friend always remind me, "God knows!" I would so much rather trust the King of the universe who sees everything, than to trust what I think is best. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know full well Who holds my tomorrow. But as for today we will celebrate because I have no cancer in me! "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever" Psalm 30:11-12

Friends, I look back on this year and all I see today is God's miraculous work. God has been faithful every day to his promise that "He will never leave us or forsake us" Hebrews 13:5b. I was recently reminded of the beloved poem "Footprints." It's definitely worth reading today:

I know that the Lord carried me through this past year. To Him be the Glory. It was never my strength, it was completely His. Although so much of it has been my story, I hope it all pointed to His story. I pray that no matter what 'cancer' is in your life, that you would know, without a shadow of a doubt, how good God is and how deeply he loves you! Sometimes we just have to let him carry us. Thank you for walking through this last year with us. Thank you for crying with us, encouraging us, praying for us and celebrating with us. We love you!

A New Morning; A New Day; A New Outlook

2012-09-13T21:37:00.000-05:00

Isaiah 43:19a NASB - "Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth...

Sweet Friends,

How are you? I hope this letter finds you well, that you have been able to settle into the busy fun that is fall! I so LOVE summer but I am always excited for fall. I know that for most, spring marks new beginnings, but somehow fall always seems for me like the time of the year for fresh starts. I love the excitement of school and activities starting; I love watching football games and ordering pumpkin spice chai tea lattes at Starbucks. I love the warmth of deep conversations with friends and the way my heart is overjoyed when bible study starts up again. I love getting out fall clothes and putting away all the pool toys. I love wearing scarfs and boots. I love cool afternoons spent playing at the park with McKinley and our new puppy, Trigger :) I love thinking about what our little family will dress up as for Halloween. I love kicking off another year with Young Life and watching kids who accepted Christ at camp this summer really start walking with Jesus. I love the beauty of fall colors. I love this fall especially because it marks a new beginning in our life. Nearly a year ago, this cancer journey started and tomorrow we get to take the final step (hopefully)! To say that I am excited, is a complete understatement! I am over the moon thrilled! At 7:00am tomorrow morning (Friday, September 14th), I will have my last surgery. Dr. Carpenter, my wonderful plastic surgeon, will take out my expanders, and replace them with beautiful, new implants! During the procedure, he will also take fat from my tummy (awesome!) and add it to my breasts to make them look realistic. God has such a great sense of humor that the surgery that gives me new boobs would also tighten my tummy! The surgery should take 2.5 hours and I should be released from the hospital later in the day. Compared to my first surgery, this should be so much easier. I will have those terribly, icky drains in until Tuesday, so Dr. Carpenter said I will feel pretty bad until then. But after they are removed, I should make a quick recovery! I just can't do any heavy lifting for about 4 weeks. So once again, I can't lift my precious McKinley, which breaks my heart. However, she is a very independent little 2 year old now, so I'm sure it won't even phase her. How much she has grown up since my first surgery last November! How much the Lord has grown all of us over this past year.

Tonight, on the eve of my last surgery, my heart is overwhelmed with the idea of newness. Perhaps because tomorrow I get new boobs, which is awesome; but as I really start thinking about it, God has given me so many new things over the past year. At times, I start to think of everything that has been taken, but then I am reminded of the joy that comes from focusing on what God has so graciously given. I have been given so much. Besides my new breasts, I feel as if I have a new body in many ways, one with out any cancer in it. I have new hair, which is really growing in, it is about 2 inches long! I finally have new eye lashes, that I am so thankful for. And I know that I have a new perspective on life. I'm sure anyone that has had cancer, looks at life a little differently: sweeter, more precious. God has given me a new standard of beauty, one that comes from a heart that is so in love with Jesus. I love knowing that God makes all things new in His time. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17. I love that because of Christ, we are completely new; that God doesn't see any old in us. He removes our sins, our old self, as far as the east is from the west. (Psalm 103:12) God, in His abundant goodness, only sees us as new creations. Oh, how wonderful would it be if we never focused on what used to be! I pray that I will be able to see all of my new things, without remembering how they used to be. I pray my mind will not dwell on what I used to be, but rather what God has made me into. "To be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:23-24. He made my heart new years ago, but this year He has given me so many new things to remind me of how He wants everything to be made new, and when it is made new, the old is completely gone. Oh Lord, I pray that my old, cancer filled body would be completely gone. And when I look in the mirror and see my image that isn't what it used to be, I would rejoice in the fact that it isn't as it used to be. God has made me new. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Revelation 21:5

The view we had from a new morning on Lake Texoma!

Lamentations 3:22 NIV - Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Friends, I don't know where this finds you tonight; perhaps you are on the eve of some big change, perhaps tomorrow is just a regular day. Wherever you are, I pray that you have given your heart to Jesus and been made new. As our heavenly Dad says, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you;" Ezekial 36:26. And as a new creation, I pray that today you would sing a new song, one that rings in the heart of heaven. "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:3. I pray that you would only be able to see your newness in Christ, and that you would let your old be completely removed. How great our God is to make all things new! How beautiful it is to focus on the new. Please pray that my surgery goes well and that Dr. Carpenter's hands would be guided by the Great Physician. Pray that my heart would cling to the cross when pain overwhelms my body. Thank you precious friends for all your love, encouragement and prayers. We will keep you updated!

His New Creation~
Randi

Celebrating The Trial & The Triumph

2012-07-30T14:58:00.000-05:00

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:2-5

Precious Friends,

Oh, I have so much to tell you! Young Life camp was AMAZING! Matt and I will write another post just on that because God did incredible things while we were there! But today's post is about another AMAZING thing God has done; Praise the Lord that I am officially done with chemotherapy! Oh, how the Lord has healed my body and redeemed my life from this pit of cancer, crowned me with His amazing love and compassion and satisfied my desires with such good things! How good our God is! On Tuesday, July 17th, I had my very last round of Taxol chemotherapy. Golly, it may be one of the happiest days of my life :) My sweet parents and little sister, Ryli, came down from Colorado to celebrate with us! Matt even brought McKinley to the hospital to join in on the festivities! And a celebration it was! My mom was so cute and brought all the party princess attire for me to wear. It was the same party princess attire that she wore 7 years ago when she completed chemotherapy. Although, I'm sure she never wanted to have to share that with me, it has been a special gift from God to have a mom who completely understands what this cancer journey feels like. So for many reasons, my mama was probably even more happy than I was that day; she definitely knew what a celebration it was to be done with chemotherapy. In typical Randi fashion, I wanted to bounce through the halls of Baylor Cancer center signing 'CELEBRATE Good Times!' and hugging every one of my sweet cancer nurses, doctors and friends. Although it was never an 'enjoyable' thing to have to go to Baylor to get cancer treatment, I really did love my whole team there. Every receptionist, nurse, and of course Dr. O'Shaugnessy always greeted us with big smiles and warm hugs. They all have a real special place in my heart, as I know the Lord used them every Tuesday to comfort me and remind me of His peace. God has used so many people in so many sweet ways to reflect His love and goodness. I am so blessed.

I have to admit though that the morning of my last chemotherapy I woke up feeling kind of sad. I knew it was crazy to feel that way, I should be the happiest girl in the world, but a part of me couldn't believe that this part of my journey was finally coming to an end. Since October 24th, our whole world has been cancer, it's hard to imagine life without it. As I have said before, I really do hate cancer, but I love how it has drawn me closer to Jesus than I have ever been before. (James 4:8) I love that cancer made me depend on Him in a crazy, all-in sort of way. (Colossians 1:29, John 15:5) I love that I knew in full certainty that in my moments of complete weakness, Christ was my complete strength. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) I love that even when I was sick and exhausted, I knew I was living the abundant life. (John 10:10) I love how God taught me that this battle was His to fight, not mine. (2 Chronicles 20:15, Matthew 11:28) I love how God used cancer to make me be still in His presence. (Psalm 46:10) I love that cancer gave me the opportunity every day to really Trust God; not just to say that I trust Him, but to live out that trust, even when I didn't understand His plans. (Proverbs 3:5-6) I love how God continues to use my bald head to show me that true beauty comes from the heart and that my identity is in Him alone. (1 Peter 3:3-4; Song of Solomon 4:7) I love how cancer has made me fall even more in love with my husband; I am eternally blessed to be loved by Matt Wideman. (1 John 4:19) I love that cancer gave me such sweet one-on-one time with my family and friends. (Proverbs 17:17, Colossians 4:5) I love that God used cancer to confirm that His plans for my life are so good, even in the middle of such pain. (Jeremiah 29:11) I love that God has used cancer to show me how to love on people going through difficult circumstances. He definitely grew my heart in compassion for hurting people. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) I love that God still allowed me to do Young Life through all of it. I have never felt more useful for His Kingdom. (2 Timothy 2:21) I love that God used cancer to teach me how much I need to pray with every breath I take. (1 Thessalonians 5:17, James 5:16) I love how cancer allowed me to choose Joy every day, even when the circumstances of my life weren't conducive to it. (1 Thessalonians 5:16) I love how cancer made me realize that I have nothing to fear in Christ, that He has me exactly where He wants me. (Isaiah 43:1) I love how God used so many people to be His hands and feet in our life. (1 John 3:18; Mark 12:30-31) I have never seen more of God's love than I have through all of you over the past 9 months. Thank you. Your kindness, generosity, love, words of encouragement and prayer have meant more than you will ever know. I love that somehow in God's complete awesomeness, I can think of so many more things I love about cancer than I hate about it.

So although July 17th was a such a day to celebrate, perhaps my sadness that morning stemmed from my heart not wanting to forget all that the Lord has taught me through cancer. Don't get me wrong, I am OVERJOYED that chemotherapy is over. My hair has already started to grow back (yippee!) and my energy grows every day. I am thrilled to get back to 'normal' life being the mommy of McKinley and wifey of Matt. I am SO excited to get my chemotherapy port removed this Friday and for the final stages of my plastic surgery to happen in 7-8 weeks. There are so many reasons I am thankful that this part of the cancer journey is over, but truthfully, I am so thankful that this cancer journey happened. I really don't question at all why God allowed me to get cancer, I know he used it to make my heart more like His. He taught me more in the last 9 months about His love, His character and His beautiful promises than in the other 27 years of my life. So, I am definitely celebrating that its over, but I am also celebrating that it happened!

Friends, you are such a treasure. Thank you for walking this journey with us and for allowing God to use you to bless us so much throughout everything. Thank you for sharing in our sorrow and for celebrating our joy. I pray that whatever your 'cancer' is, you would look for how God has sprinkled His goodness all over it. That you would see God's abundant purpose amidst your pain. I can so testify that what the enemy wants to use for evil, God will use for good, if you let Him. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20 Will you let God use whatever you are going through for good? I hope so! Oh how I am praying for that!

Many friends have asked what happens now. Well, I started taking Tamoxifen, my cancer drug, this week and will take it for the next 5+ years. It is just a little pill that I take once a day. It has no nasty side effects, it just keep the icky cancer from coming back in my body. I am so thankful for the incredible brains the Lord has given the doctors who come up with this stuff! I will also be getting Lupron shots, the drug that keeps me in a medically induced menopause, every 3 months for the next 5+ years. So that means I will get to see Dr. O'Shaugnessy every 3 months from here on out, and each time I see her she will run all my blood work and look at my tumor markers etc... I think it is such a blessing that I get to be so highly monitored over the next 5 years, so if this cancer ever came back, they would find it so early. If all my labs keep coming back great, then Dr. O said that in 2 years from right now we can put a temporary halt on all my medications and try to get pregnant! Yippee! I can't wait! 2 years could not come soon enough :) As I mentioned earlier, I get my chemotherapy port removed this Friday; it's just a little day surgery, no big deal. And then in 7-8 weeks, I will have a little bit bigger surgery where I get my expanders removed and my implants put in. I am SO excited for that to happen! Well, I think that's everything! I am going to go play with my precious princess, so I hope you all have a wonderful day! We Love you!

Joyfully in HIM~

Randi

Ten Golden Rules We Learned From A Golden Example

2012-06-30T22:30:00.000-05:00

2 Corinthians 1:3 NASB - Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort

Three years ago today we picked up our other best friend. Today we held him as he took his last breath. Our hearts are broken. Trooper was the greatest dog in the world, and as Randi would always say he was our 'first born son.' He was part of our family. He was an integral part of Team Wideman. If you are not an animal lover I know that you may think this is silly, but I would often make it a prayer of mine to be more like Trooper in the way that I relate to my Master and to the world. As I would pray that in the wee hours of the morning on my knees, Trooper would be right there by my side. He rarely left it and even more rarely disobeyed a command. If I could only live a life like that...

Below is a list of 10 things we learned from our other best friend:

1. Always be excited to see whoever crosses your path.

Trooper never met a stranger. Every person that walked into our house, Trooper loved on. He made you feel like you were the most important person in the world. He would get SO excited when we walked through the door. You couldn't help but smile when Troop greeted you. Trooper wanted to be friends with everyone. He could not understand why any person or dog wouldn't want to be his friend. Every day that we went to the park, Trooper played with every kid there. We even trained him to go down the slide:) McKinley loved playing with him.

2. Always be willing to help with the dishes.

Trooper was the best helper ever. He licked clean our dishes after every meal. As soon as he would hear the fork scrapping at the bottom of the plate, he ran into the room. All our friends and family laughed at this, but he loved it! He was also great at licking McKinley's face after meals; she loved to share her food with Troop!

3. Sometimes the greatest need is to just be there.

Troop was the best at just being there. He would curl up by your feet, or put his head on your lap, sometimes even lay in your lap and his sweet, big, brown eyes would just look at you, making it seem like everything was going to be okay. He was a comforter.

4. Follow your Master wherever He takes you.

Wherever we went, Trooper would follow. He was the most loyal thing we have ever known. No matter how he felt, or how tired or scared he may have been, he stuck right by us. Especially to Matt. Trooper adored the heck out of his dad. Where Matt was, Trooper always had to be.

5. Tears are just opportunities for kisses.

Trooper licked far too many of our tears this year. He had the sweetest heart; he knew when you were hurting and just wanted to make all your tears go away. We SO loved Trooper's kisses.

6. An empty hand is meant to be held.

Trooper loved to have his hand held. He would sit right in front of you and put his precious paw into your hand and want you to squeeze it. He reminded us that sometimes just holding your hand can make you feel so loved.

7. No matter how hard things are, make someone smile.

Whether it was when I was in the pain of surgery or sick in bed during chemotherapy, Troop laid right by my bed. He would put his sweet head on the edge of my pillow and just grin his big teeth. After I lost my hair, Troopie would love to lick my bald head. Oh how it made us laugh. He brought more joy to our lives then we could possibly explain.

8. A Family is meant to be together.

Trooper hated for any of us to separated from each other. When he was a puppy, we took him on the kayaks at Lake Lavon. Matt would be in one kayak, and I would be in the other. Trooper could not stand for us to be apart! When we would ride bikes, Trooper hated that we couldn't always ride next to each other. He was our constant reminder that Team Wideman needed to be one.

9. Complaining never gets you anywhere.

Trooper never wined or complained. He really made the best of every situation. McKinley loved to climb on Trooper and try to ride him. I'm sure a toddler yanking on him all the time wasn't always enjoyable, but Trooper just let her do it; they were best friends. Last fall, when we were camping, there was a terrible rain storm and our tent completely leaked. We were all totally soaked and snuggling together to keep warm. Trooper would not lay down, he stood on his feet all night to protect us. The next morning, although we are sure he was exhausted, he was out fishing with his dad.

10. Always know the call of your Master.

There was this special whistle noise that only Matt could do, that Trooper always responded to. He could be so far away, exploring as he loved to do, and yet when he heard Matt's call, he came running. This often kept him out of trouble in dangerous places! Oh how we wish we always respond to the call of our Master that same way.

It has often been said that dogs tend to look like their owners. Golly, we aspire to look like our dog. We were so blessed by every day of the past 3 years with Trooper. God knew what we needed and when we needed him the most. God used sweet Trooper to teach us so much about His unconditional, always present, forever loyal love for us. Our family is forever grateful for our time with Trooper. Although so much shorter than we would have hoped, his impact will last a lifetime. We are heart broken and can't imagine our life with out our baby Trooper. But we are praying that every time we miss him (which we know will be A LOT), we will turn to our Heavenly Master, listening to His call and following Him wherever he leads us. Even in this moment of tremendous loss and sadness, He is evermore the God of all comfort.

With all our love,

Team Wideman

When God Says Wait...

2012-06-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)

Precious Friends,

I have been wanting to write this post for weeks now, but I just didn't have the words to express my heart's emotions in all of this. So, I have been praying Psalm 139 faithfully; that the Lord, who knows my heart and my every thought, would rescue me in my struggle to trust Him in this area; asking Him to lead me in His ways, and not my own. So, I have to confess that what I share with y'all today has been my greatest struggle through this cancer journey. Although losing my breasts and hair, being sick, tired, scared, weak, and insecure have all definitely been challenging, on most days it has been easy to trust God and see His abundant goodness amidst them. Oh, how He has been so good to us through every day of this journey. But yet, when I let my heart wrestle with the fact that we may not be able to have any more biological kids, instead of running desperately into Christ's arms, I start running away. Every day I look at our beautiful McKinley and I just cry out that the Lord would let me be a mama again. And instead of trusting that God knows exactly what is best for our family, I begin to doubt that He knows the deepest desires of my heart. As I write this, it just sounds so silly that I would doubt that my Heavenly Dad who created every fiber of my being and every ounce of my soul would keep any good thing from me. And yet, knowing the truth, "You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." Psalm 145:16-18 I believe the enemy's lies that God is not for me and that my ways are better than His. I just hate when I let those lies into my heart! But God is so faithful to show me time and time again how much He loves me and how wonderful His plans are for my life.

About 3 months ago, Matt and I decided to take an adoption class at our church. As I have told y'all before, Matt and I have always had a heart for adoption. (Praise the Lord for that!) But in my perfect Randi world, we would have adopted a little black boy years from now after we had all our biological kids. I never thought that we would be considering adoption because we were unable to have our own. Needless to say, the class was a general overview on the process of adoption, and some of of our sweet friends were also taking it, so we were really excited to start the learning process. We knew that we wanted to adopt, but we really didn't know anything about the adoptive process. The class was great! I absolutely loved learning about God's heart for adoption and His call for us to love His children. What a sweet reminder of how we were all adopted; How God came to earth to rescue us and adopt us as His sons and daughters. "For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will--" Ephesians 1:4-5 Oh, I love that truth! However, the more we learned about adoption, the more excited I got, and the harder it became to be content where God has us right now. From the first day we met with my oncologist and she explained that we needed to shut down my ovaries (hopefully temporarily) because my cancer feasts on estrogen and progesterone, therefore perhaps taking away our ability to conceive future children, I started praying that the Lord would meet me right there in the middle of that 'loss' and help me to be content in this. As the apostle Paul so perfectly wrote, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13 And the Lord truly answered my prayer. The more I prayed it and trusted in Christ for my strength, the more content I felt... until we started the adoption class. Because instead of praying for God's will for my life and our family, I started praying that He would give me another baby. Not that praying for more babies is wrong at all, because I know the Lord loves to hear our heart's desires. But I took my prayers off of the Lord and put the focus on me. My plans, My way. Not His plans, His way. It was like I was saying, "Lord, if you won't give me a biological baby right now, then Matt and I will just go and get one ourselves!" Oh, how selfish and vain that sounds now! But then over the course of the class, it was explained to us that any public adoption agency, whether domestic or international, requires you to disclose all medical history. Therefore, disqualifying us from starting the adoption process until I am in full remission (5 years after completing treatment). Oh, how my heart broke! "5 years before we even get to start the process Lord? That means McKinley and her siblings would be at least 7 years apart! God, that was not my plan for our family!" And God gently whispered, "Randi, wait on me. Wait on my timing. Trust me." And I was reminded of Isaiah 30:18: "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Okay, Lord we will wait on you. Truthfully, I've never really had to wait on the Lord before. Waiting is hard. I see so many of our friends waiting: for jobs, to get married, to have a baby, to get healthy, to get out of debt etc... We want everything right now, and then God says wait. So, I know He has a purpose in us waiting. When we wait, we have the choice: run to God to fill that void or try to fill it ourselves. As mush as I hate waiting, I know that the Lord wants to teach me something so beautiful, so I am trusting in God's promise that "Blessed are those who wait for Him."

Well, in the middle of our waiting, God gave us such a sweet gift. About half way through the adoption class in late spring, I was sitting in bible study on a Wednesday morning and I received a text message from a sweet friend in Alabama, whose husband has been a pastor of a wonderful church there for nearly 30 years. My friend informed me that they had a beautiful 19 year old girl there, who was pregnant and wanting to give up her baby through a private adoption agency. She asked if we were interested. Oh golly, I read that text message and I wanted to dance through halls screaming, OF COURSE WE ARE INTERESTED! I called my precious Matt right away, and he said we definitely needed to get more information. So we then found out that the beautiful 19 year old girl had just come to know Jesus, and that she was having a boy due on August 19th. Since McKinley was born, I have been praying that we would have a son next and that our kids would be exactly 2 years apart. McKinley's 2nd birthday is August 17th. Y'all, it was as if God screamed down from heaven, "Randi, I know the deepest desires of your heart. I hear you. I'm listening. I love you." I just started crying. Even if the story stopped right there, it was as if God handed me the exact amount of hope I needed to hold on to during this time of waiting. We were then connected to the private adoption attorney that she was working with. He is an incredible guy, with such a heart for the Lord and finding Christ-centered homes for adopted children. However, right when we started talking with him, I told him all about my cancer, the treatment etc... I guess if it was going to close the door, I wanted it to happen right away. However, he told us that because it was a private adoption agency, we didn't need to disclose any medical records. Awesome! So we were actual candidates for adoption! He told us though that the girl was going to choose an adoptive family within the next 2.5 weeks, so we needed to get all the paperwork submitted as soon as possible. It was a lot of paperwork and recommendations! But God was so gracious with time and resources and our friends and family were spectacular in getting the recommendations written within 1 week. (We have been told that often it takes months to complete all the necessary steps). We submitted everything on a Monday morning, thanking God for the possibility of getting to adopt that precious little boy and then leaving it in His hands.

The very next day, on our way to chemotherapy, Matt and I received an email from the attorney, telling us how great our profile was etc..., but that the girl had already chosen a family for her baby boy during the week we were completing our paperwork. She never even saw our profile. Tears streamed down both of our faces. Sweet Matt, grabbed my hand and just started praying. He prayed for the girl, her baby boy, and the chosen family; then he prayed for my heart and our future children, that God would bless us with a baby in His perfect timing. Matt reminded me that God knows the exact baby for our family, and that he or she is so worth waiting for. A little bit of my heart was broken that day. Of course, being the dreamer that I am, I had already stayed up many nights dreaming of that little boy's nursery and how great of a big sister McKinley will be, and how much Trooper will love him and how great of a boy daddy Matt will be. And then God says wait. So, we are waiting. But every day I am learning that waiting is just an opportunity to trust God. He is so faithful to remind me over and over again how much He loves me and how good His plans are for my life. "Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:2-5 So, as I am in this time of waiting, my prayer is that I will delight in the Lord every day, knowing full well that no baby will ever fulfill me, only Christ can. He captivated my heart 12 years ago, and He is yet to disappoint me. He's my everything. He knows every desire of my heart and He cares more than I can possibly imagine. But if McKinley is the only child we ever get to have, biological or adopted, that will never change how good, powerful and loving our Savior is.

Friends, is God asking you to wait right now? My prayer is that you will run right into the arms of the only One who can truly satisfy the deepest desires of your heart. Anything or anyone else will leave us always longing for more. We will always be waiting, if our hearts are not fully captivated by our King. May today be the day, we stop waiting and hoping for what tomorrow could bring and that we find full joy right where God has us today.

Y'all, thank you for walking through this journey with us. I cannot believe I only have 2 chemos left! And Praise God, Dr. O'Shaugnessy said that I could bump my last chemo until July 17th, and go to Young Life camp in Buena Vista, Colorado from July 7-15th! I am thrilled beyond words! Please join us in praying that so many kids would come to know Christ's perfect love while we are there. It is truly the 'best week of our lives' every year we get to go! I know that this year will be no exception. God is so good!

Joyfully in HIM~

Randi

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

A Man's Role; A Husband's Duty; A Father's Call

2012-06-17T19:04:00.000-05:00

Romans 15:1 ASV - Now we that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.

To think that we are so far along in this journey, is a far thought from where we started. It is hard to imagine that we now have only four treatments of the Taxol chemotherapy left and for the most part we have been moving right along. My beautiful bride continues to blow me away with the way that she constantly carries herself through this trial. Proverbs 14:30 NIV - A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. I doubt that I have ever seen a heart that has been more at peace than my beloved's during this time. She has had every excuse, if there are such, to compare herself to peers, wishing that it was not her that had to go through this. She could be saying 'why isn't my life like her's?'; instead I have never seen her more alive. I will never forget that first night we found out that it was cancer: the pain, the emotion, the uncertainty. And yet, through all of that I got to hear my wife pray as though she were Paul in Romans 9:1-3. I recall her sweet heart in tears praying 'Oh, Lord, if this cancer would bring people to you, even if it brings just one, then give me cancer a thousand times over.' As tears filled my eyes, joy filled my heart; I don't think I have ever been more astounded by her beauty than at that moment. What a Gem of a wife she is.

Tuesdays are the days of chemotherapy and by the grace of God alone, Randi and I have gotten to serve Tuesday nights as marriage mentors through a ministry called Merge at our church. How she is able only a few short hours after treatment to give of herself in this way cannot be answered in the natural realm. 1 Corinthians 1:27 NIV - But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. Supernatural strength is so evident in her and I am so blessed by her. Through the class, one of the things that has been talked about is the role of a husband and it has caused me to think often of what my role has been through all of this. Psalm 128 has been a great reminder to me of the duty that I have been given, I hope it is a blessing to you as well:

Psalm 128:1-6 NIV - A song of ascents.

Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways.

You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table.

Thus is the man blessed who fears the LORD.

May the LORD bless you from Zion all the days of your life; may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem,

and may you live to see your children's children. Peace be upon Israel.

Firstly, it is evident to me that this Psalm is for men, husbands, and fathers. I believe that it is a great vision of God's plan for us. Blessing will be upon me if I fear the Lord. The fear of the Lord can be defined in Proverbs 8:13 NIV - To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech. I must so hate evil that I would choose to walk in the truth. This is my responsibility first and foremost as a man. I must lead myself before I am able to lead anyone else and it must be done in righteousness. 1 Timothy 4:7b NASB - Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness; Who I follow, is who they follow if they follow me.

Secondly, I notice that I will eat the fruit of my labor. I believe that this can be applied in the confines of work but given the context, I believe that the fruit is shown foremost in the familial relationships. Galatians 6:7 NASB - Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. In other words, this thing of being a man, husband and father is hard work, but blessings and prosperity in those relationships will be mine if I am willing to labor for it.

Thirdly, my wife will be like a fruitful vine within my house. Joy is often symbolized in the Bible with wine, but good wine takes good grapes. These grapes must be grown, crushed, and aged. Good grapes only come from a good vine, and a good vine requires a good vine-dresser. A vine does not grown in the dirt, it must be elevated above all that. I as a husband, must elevate my wife, honor her and take her higher than the dirt of this world. A good vine must also have something to cling to. I as a husband must be her strength, be what she clings to no matter the storms or droughts that come her way. Genesis 2:24 KJV - Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. A good vine needs water and nutrition as well as to keep the pests away. I as a husband must be the provider and protector of my wife. I need to keep the pests away (Song of Songs 2:15 NIV - Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.) and I need to provide for her everything necessary to grow. Lastly, for a vine to grow, it must be in the right climate. I have heard it said this way: As a husband, I have the choice as to be a Thermometer or a Thermostat. I can either report what the temperature is, or I can set the temperature of our relationship. In other words, I must Act as a husband, instead of Reacting like a fool. Oh, when I have done these things well I have tasted the sweet joy of marriage, no matter what has come to crush my bride, she is my fine wine: only getting better with age!

Now if I lead myself well, and I lead my wife well, then my children will be like olive shoots around the table. It is my understanding that an olive plant takes about 15 years to produce fruit and then can produce fruit for more than a hundred years after. It is a sobering thought to me that I only have 13-16 more years with my sweet daughter. How important it is to be "around the table" with her, to be involved in her life. My prayer is that she can grow up to be as much like her mother as she can be, for then she will be an astounding woman.

If I am able to lead well in these areas, I shall be blessed beyond belief. Through this journey of cancer, it has been my hope and sincere desire to be that man, that husband, and that father. As my family knows all too well, I am not perfect in this, I just know the One that is. Proverbs 24:16 NLT - The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked. I have seen in my life that success comes in getting up again, even when I fail and fall. So grateful that God is not done with me yet. Is there anything keeping you down? If God was able to raise the dead, then there is nothing that can stop you from getting up in His power.

In the last two verses of Psalm 128, I see mentioned Zion, which can be representative for the church (Hebrews 12:22-23), Jerusalem, which is representative of a city, and Israel, which is a representation of a country. In other words, God's economy and master plan is summed up in this Psalm. If we want a blessed country, it must be made up of blessed cities. If we want a blessed city, it must be made up of blessed churches. If we want a blessed church, it must be made up of blessed families. If we want a blessed family, it must have a blessed wife & children. If we want a blessed wife and children, we must have a blessed Man: Psalm 128:4 NIV - Thus is the man blessed who fears the LORD.

Oh, Lord, to be this man! God, would you walk with me and guide me so that no matter what comes my way, my wife's way, my children's way, my church's way, my city's way or my nation's way, I would be blessed; that I would be that man. May I live in such a way that everywhere I am, it is life-giving.

This has been the truth that has guided me so far through this journey. It has been my ideal through the ordeal; it has been my standard to carry in this war. What are you fighting with? What is your goal? May today be the day that we as men would live out our calling in this world that is falling. On this Father's Day and everyday, may we live out what David wrote to Solomon on his deathbed:

1 Kings 2:2-3 NIV - "I am about to go the way of all the earth," he said. "So be strong, show yourself a man, and observe what the LORD your God requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go.

Celebrating His Goodness

2012-05-29T15:08:00.001-05:00

"They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." Psalm 145:7

Sweet friends,

It is so much fun to write to y'all today, because I have so many fun celebrations to share with you! I love that God gives us such sweet opportunities to celebrate Him and His goodness. I love celebrating! I am a party girl, give me any reason to celebrate and I'll be there! I can't even imagine the party that goes on in heaven every time someone comes to know Christ. I can't wait to be a part of that party! More so now than ever before, I want to celebrate everything. I don't want to miss a single opportunity to celebrate the blessings God has given us. Last weekend, Matt, McKinley and I traveled to Colorado to celebrate some wonderful things in my family. We are praising the Lord that I felt well enough that we were able to go. It was truly a small miracle that we were able to go in the middle of chemotherapy. (9 down, 7 to go!) I know that it was only through His strength that I had enough energy to be there. I love it when the only response that God gives us is to praise Him for His goodness and provision. I love that we have a God who doesn't stay in the shadows, that He makes himself known in all of creation, and in all His people. I love that we got to celebrate so much of His goodness this past weekend. The Lord has done so many great things in my family over the past years. To watch Him relentlessly pursue them (us) and eventually capture their hearts has been one of my life's greatest blessings. Please indulge me while I brag a little on them:)

Right when we arrived in Colorado, we headed to the Colorado High School State Track meet where my baby brother Lance was competing. His event is the 400m. I knew he was a great runner, but to see him run was more of a treasure than I can possibly explain. He did amazing, excellent, unbelievable: he set his best time, he broke his high school's long standing record. He ran it in 48.36 seconds. How awesome is that! To God be the Glory! I know that is only through the Lord, that Lance is able to run that fast. A year and a half ago, Lance tore his ACL in his knee and there was a large likelihood he might never run again. Now he is breaking records and going on a track scholarship to a Division I college. That's dedication. That's perseverance. That is the hand of God. Although Lance is 19 now, to me he will always be my chubby, curly haired baby brother who was running away from his 4 older sisters. So, to see him now as a handsome, smart, incredibly talented young man is such a blessing to my heart. But the sweetest thing about my baby brother is that he knows he is running for such a bigger race than that on the track: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us RUN with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2 May we all Run the race God has marked out for us, keeping our eyes totally fixed on Jesus. If we want to win the race, we better keep our focus on the finish line. I am so thankful that I have a little brother who reminds me of that!

Below is a picture of the whole Loken gang at the state track meet. We are all kind of obsessed with Lance!

After all the track meet celebrations subsided, we had some BIG graduation celebrating to do! Lance graduated from Arapahoe High School and will be attending the University of Wyoming in the fall on a track scholarship. We are so proud of him and so excited for the plans God has for him. We know that college can be such a tough time to really pursue a relationship with Christ, but we are praying hard that God will do BIG things in Lance and through him.

My little sister Ranai graduated from Colorado State University. She was selected to be a part of Teach for America, and was recently hired as an elementary school literacy teacher in an inner city Denver charter school. When I think of Ranai, this verse instantly enters my mind: "Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16 The light of Christ shines so brightly through Ranai. Just being around her makes you want to know Jesus more. CSU is forever changed because of how Ranai loved people there. I just beam when I think of how blessed those elementary school kids will be to be loved by her. She is going to love the heck out of those tough kids, change their lives, and make Jesus more famous along the way. We are thrilled to get to watch it! I pray that we can all let Christ's light shine brightly through us.

My older sister, Rachel, also graduated from college. Y'all if you knew my big sister's story, you would be blown away. She is a beautiful picture of what is possible only through God. Four kids later, 7 moves around the country, her husband being deployed 3 times, losing their house and all their belongings to a flood last spring, and somehow Rachel still managed to graduate from Regis University with a degree in finance. To say Rach is an inspiration is an understatement. "With man this is impossible, but not with God, ALL things are possible with God." Mark 10:27 I wish every one of you could meet Rachel, her sweet spirit would encourage your heart more than I can explain. No matter what adversity Rachel faces, she trusts in the Lord and lets His love flow through her. I pray we can all see life's challenges as opportunities to trust God and show the world that anything is possible with Christ!

Here is a picture of the gorgeous graduates!

Among the many graduation celebrations, there was a very sweet time that I can't help but to share with y'all! My precious husband Matt planned something so special for Lance. One night after we had just finished opening all the graduation presents, Matt presented a very large present to Lance. Lance opened up a real, authentic, brave heart sword. Matt preceded to tell him that the sword symbolized that we no longer saw him as a boy, but now as a man. He read Ephesians 6 over him, explaining to him what it meant to put on the armor of God and to how to be a mighty warrior for the Lord. There wasn't a dry eye. It was beautiful. It was inspiring. My sweet husband is a rock star for the kingdom and has such a heart for men to realize their full potential in Christ. (I will encourage him to write a full blog post on this- its so good!) I love how he loves Jesus and how he pours into my little brother. How incredibly blessed I am to be married to the mightiest man of God I know! I am thrilled that my little brother has his example to follow.

So , just when you think we couldn't cram any more celebrations into a weekend, we had one more very exciting thing to celebrate! On Saturday, May 19th, on my parent's 33rd wedding anniversary, my other little sister, Ryli, got engaged! Her now fiance, Jase, planned a perfect proposal full of a limo scavenger hunt, love letters, presents, clues, and a proposal on a boat dock lit with hundreds of candles where he sang "Marry Me" by Ed Cash and washed her feet while he read to her from the Bible and told her how he couldn't wait to serve her and love her for the rest of his life. It was absolutely amazing. I cannot imagine a better man for my little sister. Although the proposal was that out of a story book, their love story is even more beautiful. A year ago, both Ryli and Jase, completely separate from one another, decided to live their lives fully for the Lord. Although they both knew God, they made the choice to go ALL-in for the kingdom. They let Jesus radically change their lives. My little sister is absolutely gorgeous, by her heart for Jesus is what truly radiates. Jase fell in love with the woman Ryli is in Christ. As both of them fell in love with Jesus, they fell in love with each other. "We love because Christ first loved us." 1 John 4:19 We know Ryli and Jase will have a lifetime of love because they know Christ's love. It has been an absolute privilege to watch them fall in love with each other as they pursue Christ. Matt and I can't wait to see how the Lord will use them for His kingdom as a married couple. They are a blessing. We love them and can't wait for the wedding!

The four days we were able to spend in Colorado were a treasure. Thank you for indulging me and reading all about the celebrations we had. Although I am unbelievably proud of my siblings and find immense joy in celebrating their accomplishments, I hope I didn't boast in them, but rather I boasted in what God is doing in them and through them. "It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:30-31 God is awesome. He truly is good all the time. So many of the things that we celebrated this weekend I feel like I have prayed for 1,000 times before. This weekend was proof that God answers prayers. And when He does answer our prayers, in His perfect timing, it is exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ask or imagine. "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21 I hope all of you sweet friends can find something to celebrate today. Look at your life, look at the lives of those you love, look for how God is working and celebrate Him. And keep praying. Pray Big. Believe with your whole heart that God can and will answer your prayers. He's got you. He's got me. That is worth celebrating every day. You are Loved!

Joyfully in HIM~

Randi

JOY of The LORD - My Strength

2012-05-04T16:37:00.000-05:00

"Consider it pure JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Sweet friends,

I apologize that I have not written more frequently; life has just been busy these days! I had two wonderful weeks with my best friend of 16 years, Nicole and my amazing little sister, Ranai. We had so much fun playing with precious McKinley, and their incredible hearts just refreshed mine! I am 2 'easy' chemotherapies down and only 10 to go! Besides an icky cold that I just cannot seem to get over, I am feeling great! Oh, how I praise the Lord for that. I now have to get a shot every Saturday to boost my neutrophil levels, which makes me feel like I have the flu on Saturdays. But Tuesdays (chemotherapy days) are really just a tired day, and by Wednesday morning, I feel just like me again :) It seems as though the toughest part of this journey is behind us now. It is wonderful to see an end in sight! I was thinking the other day how 'comfortable' this cancer has become, it is just a part of our lives now. During the time of the initial diagnosis, surgery and hard chemotherapy, I couldn't get through a moment it seemed without completely relying on the Lord for my strength. It was by far the hardest time of my life, but now I look at that time with tenderness and sweetness of heart. For when there seemed to be none of me left, God was everything. I needed Jesus in a desperate way that I had never really needed Him before. It was a treasure. My prayer now is that even though my health is restored more each day, that my heart couldn't get through a moment without my Jesus.

Many friends have asked me over the past months and weeks if I was angry with God. I think everyone kind of expected me to be angry with Him. "Randi, you are only 28, you have a little girl, you love God, you make wise health choices, WHY would He allow you to get cancer?" Oh, I have felt a vast array of emotions since I was diagnosed on October 23rd, like shock, sadness, and insecurity but I can honestly say, anger has not been my dominant emotion. It was clear from the beginning that me getting cancer didn't make sense, so we knew God had to be up to something bigger than we could possibly understand. In the book of John, there is this beautiful story of Jesus healing a blind man that has given my heart so much peace. Jesus sees this man who has been blind from birth. His disciples (aka best friends) ask him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Isn't that such our human perspective, that we want to blame our sufferings and trials on something or someone. We believe the lie that we must have done something to deserve this. I think some people call this Karma. But Jesus doesn't work like that. Jesus replied to his disciples, "Neither this man or his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." (John 9:1-3) I read that, and all I hear is God saying "Randi, I love you, I have beautiful plans for your life, but I am allowing you to go through this so that my power may be displayed through you." That brings my heart more joy than I can possibly explain. I used to read the verse in James 1 listed above, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers when you face trials of many kinds..." and I thought he must be crazy to think we should consider it PURE JOY when we face really hard challenges. Not to just be joyful amidst pain, but to call our trials, Pure Joy. It is completely opposite to everything this world teaches us. In the face of hardship, this world tells us to be angry, sad, bitter, and to wallow in self pity and despair. But now, I get what James was telling us. I get that through Jesus alone, we can consider our trials pure joy. It is through our deepest losses and struggles that we realize how desperately we need a savior. When we finally get that, there is PURE JOY. Joy is not happiness, it is not an ever changing feeling dependent upon our life circumstances. It is a confidence that the King of the Universe is on our team, that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that He has plans only to "prosper us, and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. God never promises that we will be happy on this earth, because this is not our home. He actually promises the opposite: "In this world, you will have trouble." John 16:33 I am so thankful that we have an eternity of perfection with the King to look forward to. That we can see the pain and brokenness in this fallen world, and know for certain that this is not where we belong, and that one day, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4 I'm so thankful this world is not our home and that God doesn't see things the way we do. I relish in Jesus' words: " Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16:22 Over the years, my precious hubby has often reminded me, "Randi, don't let this rob your JOY!"

Today, I received a care package from one of my closest friends who is facing a tremendous trial in her life. After being completely blown away that my sweet friend would take time to encourage me, I dug into this precious, sunshine package and pulled out a devotional called, Jesus Calling. I opened up to May 4th and started reading the love letter written to us from Jesus’ perspective: "The more you give to Me and My ways, the more I fill you with inexpressible, heavenly joy." That's it! The key to having JOY is giving ourselves, our dreams, our struggles, and our deepest desires to Jesus. As our pastor reminded us last weekend, "CHOOSE JOY!" We all have a choice every day how we will face the trials of this world: do you choose anger and bitterness, resentment for feeling that God is ripping you off, or do you choose JOY: trusting that God is working in us and through us for His bigger purposes. Someone once told me JOY stands for Jesus, Others and Yourself. I love that! If I want Joy, I need to put Jesus first, then others, then myself. When faced with this cancer, Matt and I choose JOY. I don't want to waste a moment feeling angry: "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10 I have seen too many people suffer in bitterness and resentment, and it robs them of the abundant life that God has for them. I know some of you sweet friends are reading this and are wrestling with those feelings of anger, and that's okay. ( I have wrestled with a lot of emotions!) God is not afraid of or intimidated by our emotions, he just asks us to bring all those feelings, good or bad, to Him. Flesh it out with God, yell at Him, let Him know exactly how you are feeling, and then when you get it all out, leave it at His feet and experience a peace and joy that will bring freedom to your soul. God asks us to give that burden to Him, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30 Joy, peace, rest for our souls, that is what God wants to give us. He doesn't want us to miss out on all His glorious plans because we choose anger and bitterness. Friends, I know some days life seems impossibly hard, but I pray that today you will trade in your despair and anger and Choose Joy! "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13 Oh, how much we treasure and love you!

Joyfully in HIM~

Randi

"Be joyful always." 1 Thessalonians 5:16

The Help of My Countenance

2012-04-24T13:50:00.002-05:00

Psalm 43:5 NKJV - Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

Many a friend has asked the question "Matt, do you even notice that Randi is sick? It seems impossible to tell." Indeed, even Randi's Oncologist has said that Randi is the "healthiest, sick person" she has treated. I recall the doctor stating that even on her best weeks, Randi should do her best to get outside and walk around the block even though she would not feel like it. Now, 4 months into treatment, it is not uncommon on a sunny day to find Randi walking 2.5 miles with our daughter and our dog to the park and back. On her best days, she even does a work out that would be a challenge to any healthy person (including myself)! Some might say that it’s unbelievable! Actually it’s totally believable, because it is not her strength, it's The Almighty's. Throughout this entire process, Randi still energetically leads her sophomore Young Life girls every Monday and cooks dinner for 10-20 high school boys every Tuesday night. Through the Grace of God, His energy overflows in her to make every person feel welcomed and loved. And praise be to The Almighty, for as much hair as Randi has lost, she still has her eyelashes and eyebrows, which to her is a big blessing! To me, she is as beautiful as I have ever seen her. All of this undoubtedly begs the question, what has sustained us through this trial, what has carried us through this pain? I would submit to you that what has allowed us to not only survive but thrive through such a period has been, among others, these three things: Promises, People and Power.

The Promises of God

A Promise is a powerful thing, only as powerful as the One who gives it and only as fruitful as the one who believes it. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 ESV - All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. In the darkest of moments I have seen my wife hold up the light of truth: the Promises of God. Fresh on my mind are the nights of sleeplessness of my precious wife. As the hot flashes have come and gone (but mostly come and stayed) sleep has been a rarity. It has been in those moments where I have found Randi downstairs in deep study, leaning not on her own understanding of things but trusting in the Promises that The Almighty has given. Oh, where would we be if we had no Promise! All hope would be lost, life would lose purpose, and love would lose its luster. The Promises that we hold true have been the lamp that has lit our path during this dark night. Promise procures faith, produces hope, pounces fear, and pummels lies. What promise is it today that you are trusting in today? Proverbs 24:10 NIV - If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength!

The People of God

We have been absolutely astonished at the outpouring of love, encouragement, prayers, phone calls, letters, emails, and support from so many people. We had no idea that so many cared about us. Hebrews 3:13 NIV - But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. Through this time, I can see how easy it would be to feel as though we are being cheated, that God doesn't care, or that life is hopeless. As thoughts similar to these have been whispered, even stronger reminders of truth has been spoken over us by the People of God. Proverbs 17:17 NLT - A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need. We cannot thank you enough for your continued support, love, and prayers. Truly, we would not be able to do this without you. Ecclesiastes 4:8-10 NIV - There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless--a miserable business! Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! If you had not been there to walk with us through this, there is no telling how trying and painful the depths of despair would be. We are so grateful for you!

Just a few weekends ago, Randi was in tears over the sleeplessness that had settled in. She was so tired and yet completely unable to get a full night's rest. As we were there together, this comment came in from Nancy, a stranger. Right at the moment of tears, exactly when we needed it, God had used one of His own to reassure us of His love and our purpose. Oh, where would we be without our Savior? Where would we be without His Body, that is His People? Who is it today that you can encourage? You never know how you may be the hand that God uses!

The Power of God

As wonderful as a Promise is, it is useless without the Power to carry it out. As helpful as People have been, they would be of no good if they had not the Power to help. Psalm 68:34 NIV - Proclaim the power of God, whose majesty is over Israel, whose power is in the skies. Ultimately, it is the Power of God that has carried us through such a trial, and what an amazing Power it is! The Power of God is limitless, because God is limitless; it is Omnipotent, because God is Omnipotent. Oh, to think of what God could do through anyone whom He would choose to do it! The Power of God is found in the Person of the Holy Spirit. This is the same Spirit that hovered over the waters at Creation, made Samson a strong man, Job a patient man, Solomon a wise man, Joshua a courageous man, Paul a new man, and Jesus a Resurrected Man! And to see Him dwell in my wife as she walks through the valley of the shadow of death has been an amazing sight indeed! Job 27:11 NIV - "I will teach you about the power of God; the ways of the Almighty I will not conceal. This was what Job said in the midst of his pain; this is what I have seen in my bride through this journey we are walking. Do you know this Power? Have you met this Person? Have you seen His Promise? He has been the help of her countenance, He has been the wind in her sails, He has been the strength in her weakness. Proverbs 18:14 NIV - A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear? I thank God for the incorruptible Holy Spirit, and the work He has done through my wife and her corruptible body. In the end, we know she can't lose. Although the doctors are very optimistic that Randi will live a long, healthy life, Even if death takes her body, it is The Father who has her soul, and The Spirit that will raise her again one day! Ephesians 1:18-20 NIV - I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms. I am inspired and in awe at my bride because to her, death has lost it's sting; she has no fear in death. Rather, she is excited, for she knows that whenever that day comes, she has full confidence that she will be with her Savior for all of eternity.

1 Corinthians 2:9-12 NIV - However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" -- but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.

Randi was supposed to start her 12 weeks of Taxol chemotherapy treatments two weeks ago, however her neutrophil counts have been too low. (Neutrophils work with the white blood cells to eat the bad bacteria). Yet, through all of this, He has been the help of her countenance, it is an amazing sight to see. Please join us in praying that Randi's neutrophil count would be high enough today and going forward for Chemotherapy treatment and that the side effects would be minimal.

We love you all and are so grateful for you!

Matt

Overcome By The Overcomer

2012-04-05T17:05:00.000-05:00

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

Hi Sweet Friends!

Happy Easter Week! What a joy it is to write to y'all today. The other night I was talking with my sweet friend who tragically lost her husband 2 years ago and she said something that so touched my heart this week. She was saying how Christmas always used to be her favorite holiday, but now, more than ever, Easter is her very favorite. It is because of what Christ did on Easter that she knows she will see her husband again one day in Heaven. And for her, that is one of the greatest reasons to celebrate. Her words have made me think so much on what Easter really is about and the power of Christ's death and resurrection.

One of my favorite Easter sermons was titled "It's not over, even when it’s over!" So true! I love reflecting on what Christ did on the cross; what a crazy, passionate love He displayed for us that day. How he was betrayed, beaten and abandoned all because He loved us, without any promise that we would ever love Him back. It is without a doubt, the greatest love story ever told. It brings me to tears when I think of the excruciating pain that my Savior endured that day; they stripped him, spit on him, mocked him, flogged him 39 times (1 short of that which would have traditionally killed a man), then they made him carry his own cross up a huge hill, only to nail him to it when he got to the top. Then, as if he wasn't in enough pain already, his lungs eventually filled up with fluid and he suffocated to death on the cross...

All of this because He loved us! In Isaiah 49:16 it says" See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands." Your name, my name, was engraved on Christ's hands as the nails were driven through them. As He took on the sin of the world that day, He was thinking about us. "But He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by His wounds we are healed. We all like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all." Isaiah 53:5-6 By His wounds, we are healed! It blows me away that the King of the Universe couldn't stand that we were separated from Him, so He came to Earth and changed everything. That's what Jesus does, He changes everything! This week at Young Life, I took my precious sophomore girls through just some of the miraculous stories in the book of John where Jesus came into the picture and everything was changed; people were healed, the blind could see, the adulterous woman was purified, the paralytic could walk, and the dead were brought back to life. Those stories just pump me up, because when we allow Jesus into our lives, nothing is left unchanged. He brings light into the darkest places, He creates beauty from ashes, He gives hope to the hopeless, and He conquers death! That's my King. As my precious hubby reflected on that this morning, he so eloquently wrote: "Do you ever think about it? He wore a crown of thorns so that you might receive the Crown of Righteousness. He wore a scarlet robe so that you would have no scarlet letter. In His right hand they placed a reed so that you may experience what it is for you to be upheld with His righteous right hand. He sweat blood so that the curse of sweat could be done away with. He was covered in blood so that you wouldn't be covered in your sin. He was beat so that you would never lose. He carried that cross so that you would never have to carry that burden of guilt. Oh, the magnificence! The majesty! The mystery of that moment! Then He died for you so that you might live for Him! What's stopping you!?" Oh I love that! So although what Christ did on the cross truly was the bravest, most courageous and selfless thing anyone has ever done in all of history, the story doesn't end there. It's not over even when it’s over!

Jesus truly did die that faithful day on the cross. Scripture says He cried out, "It is Finished," John 19:30 and then He took His very last breath. The guards took His body down, declared Him dead, and then His body was laid in the tomb. He was dead, really dead; dead for 3 days. If that was the end of the story, there would be no hope for us. I'm sure everyone who was there to witness Christ's death thought that was the end, it was over. Perhaps we have all been at a point in our lives when we thought our lives were over, where we had no hope, when we thought our story might as well end there. Praise God that Jesus didn't end the story there. On Easter Sunday, the tomb was empty. Christ had risen, He conquered death! That day, everything changed. There was now life after death. The veil was torn, the gates of heaven opened; the gates of hell defeated. Because Christ didn't just die, but He rose from the dead, we can spend eternity in heaven with our King. It wasn't over, even when it was over! It only just began.... I know that none of you who are reading this have ever really died, however every single one of us has been completely dead in our sin. See apart from Christ, there is no life, we are dead. But as Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" John 11:25 Jesus = life! Do you believe it? Have you allowed the power of Christ's death and resurrection to change everything for you? Oh, I pray that this Easter you will know, without a shadow of a doubt that you get to spend eternity in Heaven because Jesus conquered death on that first Easter Sunday. We all have a story, some stories are filled with many trials, pain and loss; my prayer is that your story radically changed the day you really met Jesus. That is the day that your life really began. If you remember that day, reflect on it, praise God for it, tell all your friends about it. Let the world know the day Jesus changed everything for you. That's what Easter is truly all about. And if you don't yet have the part of the story where Christ swoops in and rescues you for all of eternity, I pray that today would be that day! "But these things are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." John 20:31

Oh, I am just so excited to celebrate Easter this weekend. We are celebrating 'Resurrection Sunday' as we like to call it on Saturday night with all our Young Life kids, then on Sunday morning we will be with Matt's family and on Sunday night we are celebrating with our wonderful friends. It should be such a fun weekend and I feel so wonderful. God is so great to restore my health the way He does between chemotherapy treatments. I am officially done with all my icky chemotherapy treatments! Yay! Now, I just have 12 'easy' treatments left. This Tuesday I will have my first 'Taxol' treatment and will continue to have them every Tuesday until June 26th. Although, we don't know what exactly to expect, Dr. O says we should be optimistic that I will feel just fine, perhaps just really tired on Tuesdays. My best friend of 17 years, Nicole, is flying in on Monday night from Colorado to take care of us next week. I am so excited! I pray I will feel so good that we will just get to play the whole time she is here :)

Friends, I pray that you have the sweetest Easter ever; that you will take time to truly celebrate what Christ has done in your life. I will be lifting you up in prayer! I love you dearly! Have an 'Eggcellent' Easter!:)

PS: You should read this really sweet article in our Allen Image Magazine:) http://issuu.com/allenimage/docs/april_web/19 Yay for John 10:10!

Joyfully in HIM~

Randi

The Strength of a Warrior

2012-03-19T15:57:00.000-05:00

2 Corinthians 1:11 NLT - And you are helping us by praying for us. Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety.

Oh, Dear Friends,

On this day I write to you with such rich gratitude that fills my heart because of you. No doubt, so many of you have encouraged our hearts daily with your prayers that have ascended to Heaven as such a sweet aroma, pleasing to our Heavenly Dad. He has heard YOU and answered your prayers! Proverbs 15:8, 29 NIV - The LORD detests the sacrifice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases him. ... The LORD is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous. As I have mentioned before, I truly believe that there is no greater honor or gift that you may bestow upon us than your prayers. For in them, you seek the most powerful being in this universe, the only One whom nothing is too difficult for; the Great Physician, whom no infirmity is too great to heal. Prayer may not always bring comfortable circumstances but it brings The Comforter; it may not always bring peace but it brings the Prince of Peace; it may not always bring ceasing to the struggle but it brings the One who fights on our behalf. Prayer climbs Jacob's ladder, lays hold of the Balm in Gilead, travels the Highway of Holiness, and rains down the blessings of heaven. Is there anything too difficult for our God? The only prayer guaranteed to be unanswered is the prayer left unasked. Oh, how I thank you for your prayers! Philippians 1:19 NLT - For I know that as you pray for me and the Spirit of Jesus Christ helps me, this will lead to my deliverance.

This last weekend (March 10), Randi and I celebrated Five years of marriage. I still recall the moment when I saw her walking down the aisle, holding the arm of her father, coming to be my bride. My heart was brimming over with love for her as evidenced by the tears that fell from my eyes and the smile that so effortlessly graced my face. I had never felt so much love for her prior to that moment; I have never felt so much love for her more than today. Everyday has been a new day of exponential growth with her in love. Oh, how I love her. She is my best friend and I can't imagine going through something as difficult as this with anyone else. It was the famous basketball coach John Wooden who said that pressure can do one of two things: it can burst pipes or make diamonds. Well, I have been down deep in the dirt of this trial with my bride, and let me tell you: I have a true gem. Proverbs 31:10 NASB - An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. Perhaps, the pressure that you are facing today is meant to make something beautiful out of you, something pure, something that can't be created by any other thing. With increased pressure comes increased heat. The refining process may not be fun but it's worth it. Thank God for it, you will learn what you are made of.

One of the things that Randi and I like to do when we celebrate an anniversary is to get away and go on a hike. We love that our anniversary is in the spring because it is a reminder to us of new life. Below is a picture of the path that we walked.

It's amazing thing to think that just a few weeks earlier this path was covered with nothing but dead leaves and all that comes with winter. What a picture of the path that Randi and I have been walking. I get to see something so beautiful growing from these ugly circumstances; and there is nothing more beautiful to me. Song of Songs 4:7 NIV - All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Proverbs 17:22 NIV - A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. I love that no matter what we go through, we can still laugh! My best friend always has the best medicine!

Below is a tree that we had found on the hike. I don't think I have ever seen anything like it.

It would appear that this tree had been broken at some time in the past. Today it is growing straight and is stronger than it has ever been. This is how I view my bride. Even though what we face is heavy and is breaking us, I know that in the end we will be much stronger; she will be much stronger for it. There is a story of a man in the Scriptures named Samson who was perhaps the strongest man to ever live. He lost his strength in conjunction with losing his hair. I have seen quite the opposite: when Randi lost her hair, I have never seen such strength. Psalm 1:1-3 NASB - How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, Which yields its fruit in its season And its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers.

God graced us with energy for the weekend getaway and He has graced us with a great week since. Randi has actually been sleeping through the night for the past few days! I would be a fool to say that this has had nothing to do with the prayers to the Almighty that you have given on our behalf. We are so grateful for you. I know that often when you pray for someone else it is a difficult thing to hear back and see if anything has come of those prayers, but my friend your prayers have wrought the answers that we have needed.

My precious bride faces round four of chemotherapy tomorrow (Tuesday, March 20th). Romans 15:30 NLT - Dear brothers and sisters, I urge you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to join in my struggle by praying to God for me. Do this because of your love for me, given to you by the Holy Spirit. Please pray that all would go well, that Randi would continue to have strength, and that throughout all of this, we would make the Almighty all famous. Ephesians 6:19 NLT - And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly explain God's mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike.

We are so grateful for you,

Matt

The Ever-Watchful Eye Overseeing My Life

2012-03-12T13:10:00.000-05:00

"My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber... The Lord watches over you... The Lord will keep you from all harm- he will watch over your life." Psalm 121:2-7

Sweet friends,

I find so much comfort today knowing that God never takes His eyes off of us; he never sleeps; he never misses a moment of our life. He knows exactly where we are, he meets us there. I write to you completely exhausted, with just a few total hours of sleep in days. But Chemotherapy #3 is done (yay!) and I know ever more fully that my help comes only from the Lord. There is such a sweetness, a victory really, looking back on a chemotherapy week and seeing God's blessings amidst so much ickyness. My wonderful little sister, Ryli, was here all week to take care of us. McKinley loved having her Aunt Ry Ry here and I just treasure that time with my sister. Oh, how I pray that McKinley can have a sister (and brother) one day! I don't know what I would do without my siblings. As far as the side effects of the chemotherapy, they were very similar to round #2, just extreme weakness and nausea. However, it was so much better than the first round of chemo, and I am 75% done with the really harsh chemotherapy treatments. Praise God! However, this round has given me terrible insomnia. Despite many sleeping aids, my silly body just does not want to slumber. So I have had many sleepless hours deep into the night to spend with my heavenly Dad. Although, I do truthfully wish I were sleeping, and oh do I cry out to the Lord for sleep, I have come to treasure those still moments just with Him. It comforts me so much knowing that God doesn't ever sleep; as I lie awake He is there: my protector, my shepherd. When McKinley was first born, I would love to watch her sleep; the peace of a precious sleeping baby is unmatched. I am sure that is exactly how God feels as He watches his precious children sleep. I wish He were watching me sleep a little more these days, but He has been teaching me such a sweet lesson as I learn to rely on Him for every ounce of strength.

A couple of weeks ago, I was at a "mommy's" class at our church about having an attitude of gratitude. We were challenged to look at everything as an opportunity to be thankful. "Be Joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. " 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Its sounds so simple: that part of God's will for our life is to be thankful in ALL circumstances. I sat there and reflected on all that I have to be thankful for and I was overwhelmed and humbled. But I so pridefully thought, 'gosh I am great at being thankful'! God really doesn't need to teach me anything else about thankfulness! Ha! Then as I was driving home with my sweet friend and our darling daughters, she asked how I was feeling and I began to complain about how exhausted I was and how terrible this insomnia is. She asked what the insomnia was attributed to and I explained how the insomnia was not actually from the chemotherapy drugs, it is a side effect of the Lupron drug that is being used to shut down my ovarian function. As I rattled off with all my explanations and complaints, the Lord just took a hold of my heart and reminded me so loudly that His ways are so much bigger than I can possibly understand. It dawned on me that the Lupron, the silly drug that causes me not to sleep, have terrible hot flashes and go through menopause at age 28, is the very drug that is allowing the chemotherapy drugs to be effective, killing the cancer and not having to fight with my estrogen and progesterone. The Lupron's function of shutting down my ovaries is also the means by which we have the hope of having another biological baby. Oh Lord, how silly I am to question your ways. I will take a thousand sleepless nights for the hope of getting to live without cancer and the hope of getting to have another baby. God taught me such a huge lesson that day about trying to look at everything from His perspective. Unlike me, He sees everything, from the very beginning of time until the very end. He knows exactly whats best for my life. In Romans 8:28 its says, "For we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him and who have been called according to His purpose." I know that most people would think I'm crazy to say that this cancer is good, but I am so confident that the Lord is using all of this for good in my life and to make me more like His Son. Oh, how I want to be more like Jesus. Sometimes, more often that not, I just need God's sweet reminder that He is in control and I'm not. I can't make my cancer go away and I can't make myself sleep, but I can be so thankful that God cares so much about me (and you) to work out everything for His perfect purpose in our lives. There is a song, called "Blessings" by Laura Story that I heard for the first time right before I was diagnosed. I loved it then, and I love it evermore now. I could listen to it a thousand times over, because it speaks such truth. Listen to the words...

"What if your blessings come through raindrops;

What if your healing comes through tears;

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it take to know you are know you're near.

What if trials in this life are your mercies in disguise."

Oh, how those words bless my heart and remind me how Big and beautiful God's plans are for my life. He uses every trial, every heart break, every moment of sickness, every disappointment, every sleepless night. None of it is in vain. He's working it all together for our good and His glory. Although we may not understand what He is doing today, we can trust that He has our very best intentions in mind. He's our Dad; he cares more than we can possibly fathom. He knit us together in our mother's womb, he knows us better than we know ourselves, and only He knows what is best for our lives. We just have to trust that and believe with all our hearts that sometimes God's greatest blessings come from our worst pain. I know that so many of you are facing really hard things today, so I pray that you will find comfort in knowing that God's plans for your life are so good and He will use this pain for something so beautiful if we allow Him to. I encourage you to think about all you have to be thankful for today. I just know that an attitude of gratitude changes my heart and draws me so much closer to Jesus. Will you allow whatever you are facing to draw you closer to Jesus?

Friends, I just love you! The Lord uses you to encourage me every day. We are so thankful for you. It is easy to see how great God is when we think on the blessings He has given us through your friendships. I hope you are having a wonderful week! Have fun having an attitude of gratitude!

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

So Loved - Love Week Recap

2012-02-27T15:15:00.000-06:00

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you." Psalm 63:3

Precious Friends,

It is with so much joy that I am writing this today as I perhaps have never felt more loved than I have these past two weeks. The week of Valentine's Day was Love Week at Allen High School. As Matt and I have said before, the International Baccelorette program at Allen High School (where I used to teach physics) chooses someone each year who needs a 'little extra love' to be their Love Week recipient, and this year I was chosen! The IB kids have been working tirelessly since Novemeber to make the week a success. I wish everyone of you was here so you could see how incredibly thoughtful and selfless these high school kids are. It is all so humbling and overwhleming! There were fun events every day at the high school to bring awareness to breast cancer and to fundraise for us. There was a Muffin bake sale, in honor of McKinley, whom is known as Muffin around here:) There was Chick-Fila day, different dress up costume days, Tape-your-teacher to the pole day and a Love Week concert showcasing our Allen High School talent. It was all so much fun! I am so overwhlemed with how great God is that he would use all of you to show me how sweet His love is every day. Thank you for teaching me so much about Christ's beautiful love. I know so many have selflessly sacrificed their time, energy and money to bless us. It is such a beautiful picture of how Jesus loved everyone of us so much that he gave His life so that we can live. I get to truly live every day because Christ loved me; and you all have been my daily reminders of that. Thank you. Your love has meant more than I could ever express. Below are some fun pictures of friends and family all over the country repping their Love week-shirts.

The first couple of pictures are of Matt, McKinley and I at the Love Week concert! (isn't it incredible how fast my hair has grown! lol:)

This is a picture of Matt and McKinley with his darling parents and grandparents at the Love week concert. Four Generations... so much love!

This one is of us doing the Twist at the Love week concert- so fun!

Here are some of our awesome friends at the concert. We are so blessed!

The next two pictures are of my Mom, Dad and baby brother, Lance. How cute are they repping their love week apparel from Highlands Ranch, Colorado! My mom told me that Lance even wears his t-shirt to school (he is a senior in high school)! How precious is that!

These two pictures are of my older sister, Rachel, and her oldest son, Tony, who live all the way in Minot, North Dakota. She is the mom to four darling kiddos and still finds time to love on us:)

This picture is of my younger sister, Ryli, her wonderful boyfriend, Jase, and their sweet friends supporting 'Team Randi' from Denver!

This picture is of my youngest sister, Ranai and all her Kappa Kappa Gamma sisters at Colorado State University. Just looking at it brings me to tears! Forty of Ranai's sorority sisters ordered Love week t-shirts and surpirised Ranai (and me) with them! Unbelievable! I was completely blown away! I never thought I'd say this, but I Love the Kappas!

This picture is of some of our former Young Life kids who now go to Texas A&M University! How incredibly sweet are they?!

As I look at these pictures, and the many others that we have been sent, my heart melts. I smile and cry all at the same time. I wish I could fully describe to y'all how much your thoughtfulness, gernerousity and love has meant to us. God has taught me so much about love through you. In 1 Corinthians13:4-8, it describes what love is: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." I love Love. I am a hopeless romantic, the Cinderella/Prince Charming type:) I have always dreamt of the fairytale type of love where the hero swoops in and rescues his princess and they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I would love to think that all love stories play out just like that, but then I look out at our world and see so much pain, hurt, and broken hearts. As I really read what true love should look like in 1 Corinthians, it almost seems impossible... "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27 Amen! We can't truly love until we know what love truly is. "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16 God is love. We will never know true love apart from God. He is the hero that swoops in and rescues us and captivates our hearts for the rest of our lives. He is the half that makes us whole. He is the author of love; He is the only one who writes true love stories. And the greatest love story ever told was that of Jesus on the cross. The perfect man, literally sent from heaven, laid down his life to save ours. Its the perfect love. Its the love we spend our whole lives searching for. Stop searching! Fall in love with the creator of love. Let yourself be rescued and loved for all of eternity. Only then will we be able to truly love each other. "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:10-12 Friends, I know the sweetness of God's love in such greater depth because of the love you have shared with us. Thank you for loving us. I pray that you know the God of love and that you deeply feel the love of God. And if you know that love, I enocurage you to share it with someone today. How you love someone could be their picture of God. Love others like Christ loves you: selflessly, sacrifically, passionately. "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

I pray I can love others in this way. I do hate this cancer, but I love how it much it has taught me about God's perfect love for us. I pray that whatever you are facing today, you would run to the the only hero who can ever truly love and save you.

I have round 3 of chemotherapy tomorrow (Tuesday, February 28th). My sweet little sister, Ryli is here to take care of us, which is such a treat! I have felt so healthly this past week, which has been an incredible blessing. I am so thankful for my healthy weeks! Although I still have 14 rounds of chemo left, I am halfway done with the really bad treatments. Praise God for that! Please keep me in your prayers this week that the side effects would be mild and that in my weakness, I would run to my hero. I love you all so very much!

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

PS- If you ordered a love week t-shirt, will you please take a picture of yourself and send it to us?!!! Oh, I would love that!

Providence - His Provision When Needed Most

2012-02-12T19:48:00.000-06:00

"So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. Matthew 6:8 (NASB)

Beloved Friends,

We are making our way through Round 2 of Chemotherapy. Randi went in this Tuesday (2/7/12) and her white blood cell count was sufficient to get the treatment. We can do nothing but praise our Heavenly Father this week because it has been a much better week than last round, although Randi has felt much weaker. The nausea and vomiting haven't been as much of an issue this round and we have found God's All-Sufficient Hand to be outstretched to us. Through this trial we are facing, I believe that we are learning ever more what Providence is.

There are moments in many people's lives where one feels as though continuing on is simply too difficult. The weight of the circumstance faced is too heavy a load to bear and the effort exerted to walk thus far has depleted all resources. The pain is taxing both emotionally as well as physically and discouragement soon sets in, shortly followed by despair. Hope becomes a faded memory washed out by the shadowy gloom of the storm one finds themselves in. Maybe you have felt this way? Oh, where does help come from? Oh, what is the discouraged to do?

It would not be a stretch by any means to say that Randi and I have both been here on multiple occasions through this journey of cancer. The detour seems to be just around every corner of progress. I am grateful, however, that these detours are not our Destiny. Friend, it is in these moments that the question the Psalmist asks is answered:

Psalm 121:1-8 NASB - A Song of Ascents. I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel Will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, Nor the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in From this time forth and forever.

Over and over again in our moments of weakness and worry, God has shown up in His Providence. Two weekends ago, I sat impatient in my struggles. I was a roller-coaster of emotions, frustrated, angry, sad with a tinge of 'woe-is-me.' Although I was in great company of best friends who reminded me of the utmost Truth, I didn't want to hear it, I just wanted to be sour. I got home Sunday night and then proceeded to pass those ugly feelings on to my beautiful bride; I felt as though I was in a hopeless and helpless situation...Then Providence showed up. I had grabbed the mail on my way in and had opened a letter addressed to me. Randi read it aloud to me; it was precisely the encouragement I needed. I broke down in tears and cried to out to God thanking Him that He never leaves me even when I am acting a fool. Sweet words from a sweet friend removed my sour heart. Proverbs 12:25 KJV - Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad. This is just one example of the innumerable instances where Randi and I have seen Providence at work in our circumstances through YOU. So many have taken the time to write us a letter, email, or message and it shows up exactly when we need it. Some might call this coincidence. Randi has told me that she has heard it said that coincidences are just God's way of remaining anonymous. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for your words of encouragement. You have fulfilled the command given in Isaiah: Isa 35:3 NASB - Encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble. We have been overwhelmed by how you have loved us during this time. No note has gone unnoticed, we are grateful for every good thing that you have done. Maybe there is someone else you should encourage today? I encourage you to write them a letter. What's stopping you? You might just be the provision of the Provident One to that person.

This Tuesday as Randi sat in the chemotherapy chair, there were rumbles of emotions rolling inside her. Sitting there, Randi opened her Bible. As the drugs seeped in to her bloodstream, Truth soaked into her soul. The first verse she read was this: 2 Timothy 2:3 NIV - Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. A tear hit her cheek, in His Providence God gave Randi exactly the words she needed to continue on. Oh, how good is our God? We are continuing to find this truth ever more true: Philippians 4:19 KJV - But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Randi got her supply that day because she went to the Supplier. Is there anything you are in lack of today? Have you sought out the One who supplies?

Providence has also shown its hand through the upcoming week known as Love Week (written about here). So many of our friends have worked hard on this week, so many have bought a shirt or a button or a wristband. Last week the Allen High School newspaper published this article. We also invite you the benefit concert Friday night February 17th at 7PM in the AHS blackbox theater. We could never thank you enough for all your generous support. We are at a loss for words. Through this whole journey we can boldly say Romans 8:35-39 NIV - Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Thank you for at many times being the binding that God uses to keep us connected to His Love. We are so grateful for you and for your generosity.

With Love,

Matt

Who I Am is Whose I Am

2012-01-31T22:39:00.006-06:00

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:6-7

Sweet friends,

The Lord has taken my heart on quite the journey this past week and I am so excited to tell y'all about it. As I shared with you in my previous post, my heart was deeply struggling with the reality of losing my hair last week. Oh, how anxious, afraid and insecure I was. Dr. O'Shaugnessy had predicted that I would lose my hair last Thursday (1/26), however as I was getting ready for church last Sunday morning (1/22), my hair started to fall out. Not in chunks as I had expected, but just gradually as I brushed it. It was as if the Lord was easing me into it. I burst into tears as it first started coming out, I just cried out to my Heavenly Dad, "Lord, I know that your ways are not my ways, and I hate that I have to lose my treasured hair, but I am so tired of being sad about my hair. I hate that I care so much about it. I know that my beauty is in you alone, so help me to feel it. Please give me a peace that transcends all understanding and guard my heart and mind in Jesus (Philippians 4:7)." Y'all I was on my knees in sadness and desperation, and the good Lord met me right where I was and answered my prayer in abundance. For the next 3 days, little by little my hair fell out. Each time I brushed it, I was scared, but I wasn't sad and I didn't cry. I was peaceful. By Wednesday night of last week (1/25), about half of my hair had fallen out and I knew it was time for Matt and I to shave it. So sweet Matt, who had watched YouTube videos all day about how to shave a woman's head, got everything ready. In more love and tenderness than I can possibly explain, Matt prayed over me and my hair; that I would know that I am a daughter of the King, beautifully and wonderfully made for His purposes. So, as my precious husband cut off my remaining hair and shaved my head, we prayed over 3 verses:

"I praise you Lord because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:14)
"All Beautiful you are my darling, there is no flaw in you" (Song of Songs 4:7)
"The King is enthralled with your beauty, honor Him for He is your Lord" (Psalm 45:11).

Oh, what sweet reminders of true beauty. As I looked in the mirror for the first time as a baldy, before I could even react, Matt assured me I had never looked more beautiful, he wrapped me in his sweet arms and made me feel more loved than perhaps ever before. So although I didn't quite feel more beautiful than ever, our sweet Lord used Matt to remind me that I am beautiful, without a flaw, and the King of the universe is enthralled with my beauty. Not because of my hair or my outward appearance, but because I am His precious daughter.

Even as the daughter of the King, it was still so hard to look in the mirror without my wig and not hear the enemy's lies that I was ugly and unlovable. Oh, how thankful I am that God knew that the only antidote to these lies is the Truth. This past weekend He blessed me with the opportunity to go to our church's women's retreat at a beautiful ranch in east Texas with some of my closest girl friends. It was so much fun and physically, I felt so great! It just refreshed me as God knew EXACTLY the Truth that my heart needed to be reminded of! The quickest way to bondage is by believing a lie. The quickest way to freedom is to tell the truth: "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32). Throughout the weekend we were challenged to find our identity in Christ alone. That we as women, tend to put on so many 'masks' trying to be someone we are not. We allow our roles, responsibilities, and recognition of others define us. As one author states, "We cover up who God made us to be. We invent a new self that every body will admire but nobody will know." I have struggled my entire life with trying to wear the masks of "Being Perfect;" "Being all things to all people;" and "being consumed by my appearance." Even though I have found tremendous freedom in all of these through my relationship with Christ, they are still daily struggles for me. I often believe the lie that if I'm not perfect or pretty, then people won't like me. Lately, I have believed the lie a thousand times over that when I'm bald, I won't be loved or accepted. Oh, but how I was sweetly reminded that my value, my worth is in Christ Alone! We were made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) to reflect Him and who we are in Christ is more than enough. We are so passionately loved and significant that Christ died for us. As I've heard it so perfectly said, "Is what your living for worth Christ dying for? When I think about it that way, it makes me want to live for so much more! Oh the plans God has for us (Jeremiah 29:11) are so good. I love that when Christ died on the cross, your name and my name were engraved on the palms of his hands! (Isaiah 49:16) Now that's romatantic love:) If we really stop to think about the depths of Christ's sacrifice for us, how could we not be overwhelemed by how much He loves us? I love that God calls His people, His Beloved. It's as though Jesus is just crying out to us, "BE LOVED!" Let me love you, just as you are, just who I created you to be. It still blows me away that God knows every single thing about us, and passionately loves us. Isn't that every person's desire, to be fully known, fully accepted and fully loved. Now, If we would only let ourselves just Be Loved then it would completely change our hearts and our lives. I am learning every day to accept Christ's crazy love for me, as the imperfect, baldy that I am:) How thankful I am that He is not finished with me yet! At the end of my retreat, they asked us to reflect on everything we are in Christ. Here is my list: In Christ, I am...

Loved
Beautiful
Adored
Whole
Secure
Accepted
Forgiven
Humbled
Encouraged
Full
Refreshed
Redeemed
Complete
Not lacking anything
Without fear
Free to be me
Not a slave to sin
Made in the image of God
His work of art
His messenger
Joyful
Peaceful
His Beloved

Oh friends, my heart is so refreshed when I think on who I am in Christ. Today, when I looked in the mirror, I wasn't appalled by my bald head but instead it just reminded me to think about my identity in Christ. I encourage you to take time to remind yourself of who you are in Christ. To take off the masks that rob us of the joy of being who we were created to be. I pray that you will see how adored and significant you truly are. I am so thankful that God continues to remind me of my worth in Him alone.

Today, January 31st, I was supposed to have my 2nd round of chemotherapy. However, it was postponed until next Tuesday because my white blood cell count is too low, which means that my body hasn't fully rebounded from my last treatment and is not able to fight off infection right now. So, if I were to have received chemotherapy today, Dr. O'Shaugnessy said that I would have been really sick for the next 3 weeks, which would have been terrible! I was so bummed though when she told us, "Not today" because I feel really healthy and my heart is in such a great place with the Lord. I wasn't anxious at all this morning, I was ready; or so I thought I was. I just hate that my sweet Mom and Dad drove all the way from Colorado to take care of me, and now they have to go home and my mom is flying back here next Monday. And it means that all of my following chemotherapy treatments are also bumped a week, so my wonderful sisters and friends that had made arrangements to come here for a specific treatment now have to reschedule their flights and other arrangements. Oh, the people pleasing nature in me feels so terrible that this is such an inconvenience. I just thought, God why? Today would have been great, it was in my 'plan.' But the Lord gently reminded me that His timing is perfect and that He is in complete control, and just as He reminded me this week to find my identity in Him alone, today he called me to Trust Him completely. "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean NOT on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6 Please pray that I would completely trust God's perfect timing and that my white blood cells would be replenished this week. Friends, we just love you. We are so thankful to have you in our life to walk this journey with. I will be praying this week that each of you realizes how unbelievably loved you are by the King of the Universe and that you would claim your true identity as His sons and daughters. It's not Who you are, it's WHOSE you are! Have a wonderful week!

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

The Love in Love Week

2012-01-26T21:45:00.001-06:00

1 Corinthians 13:13 NLT - Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

Oh, My dear friends,

It is with a humble heart and so much gratitude, that Randi and I write to you concerning the love that is being lavished upon us. High School is often a time where one thinks solely about themselves and only upon what concerns themselves. It is a rarity indeed to find any in this stage of life that would concern themselves with others. We love high schoolers and have such a heart for them, but we know that for so many this is just an "all about me" time in their lives. However, the students at Allen High School have blown us away with their selfless love through something called Love Week. Love Week is best described on its' website which you can go to here. It is also described here on Allen ISD's website. As you may have seen on one of our earlier posts, back at the end of October Randi and I shared the challenge ahead of us with our YL friends who are in high school. Randi was shortly thereafter nominated by the student body to be the Love Week recipient. It has been reported to me that the nominations that came from the students were overwhelming in number and very humbling in content. Randi says she doesn't believe that but I know what a treasure she is! Once the student body had nominated her, the administration and the IB students (International Baccalaureate) voted her to be the 2012 Love Week recipient. The amazing thing about this is that it is all student led! Below is a picture of one of the purported 10,000 flyers that have been printed and distributed throughout Allen...

Students even designed the shirts that are being sold. The design is shown below. You can order one on the website as mentioned above. Randi said that she would love it if you would send us a picture with your Love Week T-shirt on!

Even the buttons were designed by and are being sold by the students.

Are you kidding me!? When I was in high school this type of thing was not really even on my radar. I was more concerned about the next game, next event, or worse, the next homework. Faith's fullest expression is in Love, Hope's fully anticipated in Love, and Love is the greatest of these three. How someone in high school might understand that and live it out is beyond my capacity to explain in this post. Randi and I are still in shock.

Our favorite part about all that the students designed for Love Week is the common theme throughout of John 10:10 which states "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." This is one of our favorite verses and one which we remind our YL friends of quite often. The only thing that has sustained us through and in every new day of this journey has been our relationship with Jesus Christ. To paraphrase John 10:10, Jesus, in an eternal sense, not only adds years to our life, but life to our years! Oh, we are so grateful for the power that He provides, hope that He honors, and Love that He gives. Notice, we are promised that the enemy is coming and has come to rip us off, to steal life, and to destroy any hopes or dreams that we have. I am so glad that the enemy has NOTHING on my God! Perhaps more now than ever, Randi and I know that ABUNDANT LIFE is found nowhere else but in Jesus. That is why even on our most challenging of days as we abide in Him, we can abound in love, because He gives abundant life. Is there anywhere where you are allowing the enemy to rip you off? Or are you experiencing the abundant life? After all, 1 John 3:16 NIV - This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us...

I remember well when Randi was first diagnosed and we told friends about what had come upon us. The response was quite varied from people but for the most part the majority of those with the kindest of intentions flooded us with advice. Although so much of it was helpful, we were already overwhelmed. When we told those in high school, however, they perhaps did not know enough to tell us how to solve our circumstance, they just simply loved us, and they continue to do so. This last Saturday, while Randi and I were out celebrating her birthday, some of our friends in high school went to a YL event at Cowboys Stadium to play flag football against other schools. To our surprise, we got a picture of one of the teams, as seen below. They, as their shirts reveal, were "Team Randi." Some of these are my sophomore boys who I lead in YL. Oh, how they bless our life! I have played on many teams in my life but let me assure you that there is no greater team than Team Randi!

Friends, oh how you bless our lives too. We are continually amazed by the encouragement and love that so many of you have poured out upon us. Philippians 1:3 NIV - I thank my God every time I remember you.

We LOVE you,

Matt

Just Give Me Jesus

2012-01-21T20:32:00.000-06:00

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Sweet Friends,

What a wonderful day today is! For many reasons, but one of them being that today is my 28th Birthday:) And like never before in my life, I feel so blessed to celebrate my birthday. I feel so privileged to have this day to praise God for the life He has given me. I have experienced more love and joy in the past 28 years than I can possibly explain. When I think about the blessings that God has poured upon my life, I am overwhelmed. There have been many hard days in the past 28 years; time periods I would love to forget, but oh my, the love that Christ has lavished on my life leaves me speechless! I am married to the best husband in the world, who I fall more in love with every day. We have the sweetest, most beautiful daughter who is just a ray of sunshine. I have family and friends who love me and care about me in ways I will never fully understand. But more-so, than all of these wonderful blessings, I have Jesus... who has proven over and over again to be my life's greatest treasure. So today, and everyday, that is so worth celebrating!

For the past 2 days I have felt fantastic! Yesterday, it was nearly 80 degrees here, so McKinley, Trooper and I got to play at the park and enjoy the beautiful weather. It felt amazing to feel like me again:) Praise God for restoration of my health! Oh, how He answers the prayers of His beloved. The past 2 weeks have definitely been challenging; the seven days following chemo were probably the hardest physically of my life. Matt and my mom took great care of me, they made my most painful moments so much better. Not painful in the same sense as recovery from my surgery, it was just overwhelming in sickness and weakness. But friends, I felt your prayers and the strong arms of our Savior in a profoundly deeper way than I have ever before. In my weakest of moments, where I didn't have the strength to do anything but lay still in bed, I experienced probably the sweetest times I have ever had in my life with the Lord. When there was literally not an ounce of my strength left, He showed up in such beautiful ways. He captivated my every thought, my heart's deepest desires, and in my stillness, I was just with Him... and I loved it. There was a song that played in my mind a thousand times that week, and the truth of it blessed my heart in inexplicable ways. Its called "Give Me Jesus" by Jeremy Camp. Close your eyes, listen to the words, be overwhelmed by its beauty....

Just give me Jesus. That's all. Oh, how I hate being sick and I hate chemotherapy, but I love that in my sickness, Jesus was literally all that I had; evermore all that I needed. I pray that would be my heart every single day: just give me Jesus. I pray that none of you will ever have to face cancer or go through chemotherapy, but I do pray that God will bring you to a place where Jesus is it for you. I count myself so blessed to be in this place where I know that the love of Christ is better than anything in this world. I want that desperately for each of you, because it really is the greatest thing on this side of heaven. :-)

This Thursday is the day Dr. O'Shaugnessy says that I will lose my hair. If I let it fall out naturally, it will take about 3 days. However, I know there is absolutely no way I can go through the trauma of pulling out all my hair, so as soon as it starts to fall out, Matt and I are just going to shave it off. As I have shared with y'all before, that may be the hardest day of all of this for me. I know that for many of y'all, losing your hair doesn't seem like that big of a deal, and how I wish that that was true of me. But I love my blond hair, I love feeling beautiful and I am so scared to look in the mirror and be bald. I am crying right now just thinking about it. So, please on Thursday, pray for me. Pray that my heart would be so captivated with Christ that I would be okay as my hair falls out. Pray that as I look in the mirror I would know that my beauty comes only from the Lord: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4. Pray that the mirror wouldn't say more than the Master. Thank you sweet friends for your prayers! Oh how I need them:) I hope you all are having a wonderful weekend that you know how deeply loved you are!

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

He Giveth More Grace

2012-01-16T08:54:00.000-06:00

1 Chronicles 16:11-12 ESV - Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually! Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles and the judgments he uttered,

Friends,

This last week has been quite the whirlwind. Randi received her first dosage of chemotherapy Tuesday, January the 10th. The actual infusion itself, although somewhat scary with its bright red color and awful nickname, was easier than expected. It was just a long day of labs and doctor's appointments. I was so proud of her, her strength in the Lord is so evident that even the nurses had to comment. Peace pervaded her heart even as chaos entered her veins. Oh, how good is our God?

Isaiah 26:3 NLT - You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

As we got home Tuesday night, it would seem that things took a turn for the worse. My poor bride had already been having stomach issues prior to her first dosage, but that night they got intense. After a call to the doctor and a new prescription, the night settled into a peaceful sleep. Jane, Randi's mother and herself a breast cancer survivor who had been through much of this before, was here all week. This proved to be a great blessing as she knew much of what Randi was experiencing and what could be done to help. She as well knew what foods would be palatable to my wife and was a great taste tester. Her and Randi joked that one day they might write a mother, daughter chemo cook book. The rest of the week seemed best summed up by Pat Green's song "It Came Upon Me Wave on Wave." There were moments of feeling great and almost healthy, followed by moments of utter weakness and painful nausea. Throughout it all my sweet wife just felt extremely weak and tired, and for the most part was confined to her bed. Any energy that she had was spent sneaking out of bed to play with McKinley however short lived. We had the expectation that this weekend would be the beginning of the upswing for Randi, however the intensity of the pain reached its peak last night and it was scary.

There is a pain that I have not known all too well but am becoming well acquainted with. This pain is quite different than all others that I have felt, as it is something where I cannot just "tough it out." As much as I would like to avoid it, run away even, this pain is inescapable and as much as I would like to fix it, this pain is outside the scope of my solutions. This pain is keenly felt and it's sharply penetrating; it strikes at the core of my soul and tests the strength of my character. This is the pain of watching my most beloved suffer and Oh how painful it is! In front of her I try to be strong in these weak moments, but I soon run to my Savoir with abundance of tears and cries for mercy. I am so grateful that He hears, and it seems that these tears water the soil in which His answers grow. With the depths of my soul I do not for the life of me know how someone might go through such pain without knowing Him! Many with the kindest of intentions have said to us that God will not give us more than we can handle. I have found this to be completely false, what we are experiencing is overwhelming. However, as someone has so eloquently stated here, God does give us more than we can handle. He does this to show that it is never more than HE can handle.

Randi and I have garnered much strength from the hymn written below. It was authored by Annie J. Flint in the early 1800s who herself was an invalid completely dependent upon everything outside of herself. We have found this hymn's message to be absolutely true.

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;

To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,

To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,

Our God ever yearns His resources to share;

Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;

The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

When we have run out of things to do and medicines to take, my wife has shown me what it means to pray. When we have run out of things to say and words do not seem to satisfy, my wife has shown me the power of the Scriptures coming forth out of the wellspring of her heart. God, in the scariest of moments, has shown Himself to be most faithful and has been our comfort when nothing else can. Faith implies helplessness, for if one could do it themselves, there would be no need to trust anyone or anything else. I feel as though we are learning the true meaning of Faith as dark moments force us to walk by faith and not by sight. What is it today that you are trusting in yourself for? Perhaps what you face is much more than you can handle, but it is never more than HE can handle. He is faithful; His riches abound. When we feel as though there is nothing left, God shows up, and He Giveth More Grace...

Please pray that last night was the worst of it and that this week shall be for the better. If not, please pray that His strength would cause us to soar on eagle's wings as we wait on Him. We are so grateful for you and your friendship! Your prayers have been powerful and God has shown Himself good!

Matt

The Focus In The Fight

2012-01-09T20:28:00.000-06:00

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:14

Precious Friends,

I feel as though it has been so long since I wrote you last. I hope your holidays were richly blessed. Ours were wonderful. God is so good in allowing us that sweet time in between surgery and chemotherapy to rejuvenate and celebrate who He is and all that He has done in our lives. It was so wonderful to have a little break from all this cancer stuff! One thing that I treasure about cancer is that it helps my heart to find joy in the simple things. Things that I would have never even thought about doing before, now I feel blessed every single time I get to do them. For example, when McKinley wakes up unexpectedly at night, I can't wait to go into her room, reach into her crib and just hold her. Oh, how I love to hold my sweet little girl. About 2 weeks ago, I was cleared to lift McKinley. Praise God! Certain lifting that I wasn't supposed to be able to do for 6 months post-surgery, I can do now! How great is God! I know He is answering the prayers of His beloved. Thank you for praying.

Years ago, I read a wonderful book called Wild At Heart, that completely changed my picture of God and what He wants for my life. I had long thought of God as a meek shepherd: all loving and all forgiving, but not really someone I would want to go to battle with; more like someone I would want to go to coffee with. But as I have fallen more in love with Christ and have gotten to really know Him, God has revealed to me that although He is our all loving, all forgiving, sweet Shepherd, He is also the mightiest, most courageous Warrior in all the universe. Psalm 24:8 NIV - Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. There is absolutely nothing that he can't conquer and that one day, when Christ returns, that He won't completely conquer. So although, there have been many days since my diagnosis that I just needed the loving, compassionate arms of my heavenly Dad to hold me, today, more than ever, I need my Warrior to fight for me. I find so much peace in knowing that since Jesus conquered Death and healed his beloved from the depravity of sin, I know, with full confidence that He can and will conquer cancer and heal me. One of my favorite sayings is 'Faith is not just believing that God can, but it is knowing that He will.' Tomorrow (Tuesday, January 10th) at 10:30am, I start chemotherapy. I will have labs run and will see Dr. O'Shaugnessy, but my actual infusion will last about two and half hours. So, for two and a half hours, I will just sit there as the medicinal poison flows through my veins and seeks to kill my cancer cells. How awesome then that God promises us: "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still" Exodus 14:14. For perhaps the first time ever in my life, God is not even allowing me to step foot on the battle ground. He just strongly reassures me, "Randi, just be still, I will fight for you, this battle is mine." Although, if you know me, you know that I love to be part of everything, I hate to miss a thing. I want to be on the front lines (more like in the front row) of everything. Its hard and humbling to be taken out of the game. I often think that God just needs a little of my help to accomplish His purpose. Ha! The King of the Universe doesn't need me to help Him at all, He has it all under His perfect control. He just asks us to hand over the reigns, to give Him the steering wheel of our life. That is the ultimate beauty of the gospel; that Jesus died for us and all He ever asks is for us to give our broken, sinful lives to Him. Oh, how I love that truth! So although, I desperately want to actively fight this cancer battle, I am so thankful that God loves me so much that He will fight this one for me. 2 Chronicles 20:15b NIV - This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's. I know the victory is already won, so today, tomorrow and every day for the next 6 months, may my heart just "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 Please pray that I would find a perfect peace in letting God fight this battle for me; and that in my stillness, I would fall more in love with my Mighty Warrior.

Although I find immense comfort in the strength of my Savior, there are many moments where I allow the fear of what is to come to grip my every thought. I often forget that most people have never seen someone they love go through cancer treatment. (If that is you- awesome!) Unfortunately, I feel like I've seen too many. So, I have a pretty good idea of what is to come and the nasty side effects of chemotherapy as well as Lupron. When I dwell on these things, especially since one of my chemotherapy drugs is nicknamed the "Red Devil," I become so scared and anxious. I don't want to be sick and exhausted and irritable, and I desperately do not want to lose my hair. I'm scared to not look or feel like myself. Matt often has reminded me that chemotherapy may change my body for awhile, but it cannot change my heart. Oh, how thankful I am for that. Last night, as Matt and I were spending some sweet time reading God's Word, we read this verse: "But seek First His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6:33-34 Please pray that this would be my heart, that I would seek the Lord and His glory before anything else, and that I would be so focused on Him that I wouldn't worry about tomorrow, or any of the tomorrows to come. Matt's mom has wisely told me so many times that God doesn't promise us the grace for the 'what ifs' only for the 'what ares.' I know with all my heart, that God's grace is sufficient for every single thing that is to come and that His power will be made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). With that being true, I have nothing to fear. Anything and everything I am about to face, He will be right there with me, fighting the battle for me. I've heard it reported that it says in the Bible 'to not be afraid' some 365 times. Can you believe that! How perfect and sovereign God is, that He gave us a reminder every single day of the year that we have nothing to fear with Him. So Lord, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you." Psalm 56:3 Please pray that every moment that I start to fear, that I will trust completely in Him.

Many people have asked me why I still have to go through chemotherapy, even though they took out all my breast tissue and all the visible cancer during surgery. It has been explained to me that it takes at least 1 million cancer cells to decide to land in the exact same spot, before any medical test can detect them. So although, during surgery, they did get all the cancer in my breast tissue, there is a chance that those silly cancer cells are still floating all around my body, and 1 million of them haven't decided to land in the same spot yet. So, chemotherapy drugs are like mass destruction agents. We don't know where in my body the cancer cells could still be lurking, so the chemotherapy drugs seek to kill all rapidly dividing cells. The hard thing about chemotherapy is that it doesn't just kill cancer cells, in the process, it kills many healthy cells too. That is where all the side effects come from the nausea, fatigue, weak immune system, hair loss, etc... Dr. O said that I will experience the worst of the side effects for the 3-5 days following chemotherapy. So that would be Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of this week. I will then have a 'medium' week and then a 'good' week, before I have chemotherapy again on January 31st. We don't know exactly what this all will look like for me, but we are praying for miraculous healing; that I wouldn't experience any of these icky side effects. But we are also praying that if I do, that I would rest in the fact that God's grace is sufficient for my every weakness, and that through my weakness, His strength would be so evident. Please pray that I would have a gentle and quiet spirit, even when I feel irritable and out of control. Although there is great uncertainty in how I may feel, there is greater certainty in who my God is and the beautiful plans that He has for me. I don't know how I could do this without Him.

Sweet friends, I feel as though I have asked you to pray for so much. As Matt and I have mentioned before, we believe that there is no greater blessing that you could give us than to go before the King of all the universe on our behalf. Your prayers mean more than I could ever express. I wish I could be praying for you specifically, but know that I am faithfully praying that you will allow God to fight whatever battle you are facing for you; that you would find still moments just to be with Him even in the busyness of life; and that you would not fear anything that tomorrow has to bring. Is there a battle that you are trying to fight in your own strength? As I have mentioned before, you may have heard of the Loving Lamb, but I hope today that you get to know the Mighty Warrior who desperately wants to fight on your behalf. I love you and am so thankful for you everyday.

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

1 Samuel 17:47 NIV - All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's..."

Book of Remembrance

2011-12-29T20:40:00.000-06:00

Malachi 3:16 KJV - Then they that feared the LORD spake often one to another: and the LORD hearkened, and heard it, and a book of remembrance was written before him for them that feared the LORD, and that thought upon his name.

Friends, I am so thankful to report that Randi is feeling great and that we were able to celebrate Christmas with relatively little pain and yet so much joy. Amidst all these trials we still have so much to be thankful for. A family tradition that Randi and I started in 2010 was that we created a Wideman Family Book of Remembrance so that we would not forget what the Almighty had done in our lives over the past year. At the end of every year we add to this book in hopes that it will serve to encourage us at future times and perhaps be continued long after we are gone. It was such a blessing for Randi and I to read that book last night together and to think on how good Our Father is to us, even in the darkest of days. Without a doubt, these have been the most trying times of our lives and yet the most fruitful in faith unto our Redeemer. He has never left us; His grace is as evident as it has ever been to us. When the clouds have grown darker, when the storm is ever raging around us, He is the peace in the eye of the hurricane, the calm in the storm. His hope breaks the gloominess like the sun's rays break the clouds and helps us to see things that the storm itself had concealed. Oh, His goodness is everlasting for He Himself is from everlasting to everlasting! How can we not "Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock." (Isaiah 26:4 ESV) He has undoubtedly been our strength when we are weak, our hope amidst the fear, our anchor in the stormy seas, our peace in the chaos, and our foundation stone upon which we stand. He has been our meaning in this mess, our purpose in this pain, and our Healer in the hurt. Thank you Lord for giving us so many things to look upon and to remember how good You are! Our hope in this post is that we may share with you just a glimpse of all that could be written and that you, yourself might then reflect upon the goodness that you have also seen in your own life.

As we have mentioned in prior posts, we got to share this truth of His goodness with YL kids shortly after the diagnosis. I am still blown away that God gave us such strength to share when everything was so fresh. Below is a video taken during that time. We apologize in advance that some of the words are hard to make out, but I believe that you may be blessed by listening to it. Just as we said to these high school students prior to all of the doctors appointments and surgeries then, this truth still rings true today: that God is good.

Below is a picture of my beautiful bride being her silly self just moments prior to her bilateral mastectomy on November 29th as she flashes the YL (Young Life) sign. One might wonder as the nurses, doctors, and family members often and quite audibly did, how can she smile like that before a life altering surgery? Where does that peace come from? John 14:27 ESV - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. How can one have joy like that? James 1:2 ESV - Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds... That is pure joy, my friends, only given by the One who has unspeakable joy. Praise God.

We had asked that friends be praying for us and over us Philippians 4:6-7 NIV - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Below are two pictures of Randi in recovery just after this surgery. Although many would say, myself included, that it's not fair that she looks so beautiful just after that ordeal, likewise, it is an uncanny thing that she might be so peaceful. To serve as a reminder of God's goodness, the card from the hospital that came with our breakfast actually had Philippians 4:7 written on it (a picture of it is below). As we have heard said, coincidences are just God's way of remaining anonymous. He was there the whole time...

After a rough night of little sleep, lots of pain and much vomiting, we were awakened by Dr. Wideman who had been called in to lighten the mood. She had just the medicine that was needed! The moment reminded me of Luke 5:31 NIV - Jesus answered them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. Seeing my sweet bride smile at the unexpected sight of our little sweetheart dressed as a doctor brought to my attention that physical medicine can only go so far. So, although, we have been blessed with some amazing doctors, including Dr. McKinley Wideman nonetheless, we know and hold firm to the reality that our greatest and ultimate healing comes only from the Great Physician. Only He can meet our every need.

The following picture was taken just a few short days out of the hospital. It is an amazing thing to me to think that my sweet bride could be singing Christmas carols with our darling daughter so quickly after a major surgery. Nehemiah 12:43 NIV - And on that day they offered great sacrifices, rejoicing because God had given them great joy. The women and children also rejoiced. The sound of rejoicing in Jerusalem could be heard far away. It refreshed my heart so to hear my wife sing with joy unto Our Father; I can only imagine how He feels when His loved ones sing loudly out to Him.

Oh, when I see my daughter smile it brings such sweet joy to my heart! I do not know how one could see the smile of a child and not smile themselves. The following was taken a week after surgery when my darling wife was supposed to be resting. Our daughter did not like that idea, of course, so she cried out for her mommy, and Randi immediately popped out of bed to comfort her. As soon as McKinley saw her mommy, she smiled bright and big as comfort came over her. Isaiah 66:13 NIV - As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you... What a wonderful reminder that just as a mommy comforts her child, God comforts us. He knows every tear we cry, and is just waiting for us to cry out to him; what are you waiting for? We have felt God's comfort in these past months like never before.

The final picture below is that of McKinley baking Jesus a birthday cake for Christmas. What a blessing it was to see my wife and daughter dancing around the house to Christmas music and singing praises to the King and to get to tell our sweet daughter about the One of whom we were celebrating, Jesus. Then the day after Christmas, McKinley said the name 'Jesus' for the first time! It was perhaps the sweetest word we have ever heard her say. Of course, we got so excited after she said it that now she claps after every time she enunciates the name Jesus. What a precious thing this is. Friends, I pray that would be my heart, that I would want to celebrate every time I hear the name of Jesus. Oh, that I would have the faith of a child, that really Jesus is the answer to everything and He is worth celebrating. He is over everything, in everything and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:15-17 NIV - He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. How can one not celebrate that? To think, that in that manger on Christmas morn, Mary held Jesus in her arms, while Jesus held the universe in His. Have you beheld this child? He is the only One holding it all together. He is holding us together.

Beloved, when looking back on this year, how can we not rejoice even in the difficulties that we face? Our Family Book of Remembrance is filled, not because of what we have done, but because of what He has done for us, in us, and through us. What does your book say? Even if you do not have a family tradition as ours, God is recording all that He has done in His Book. What a glorious day it will be to have that Book opened and read for those that feared Him and thought upon His name! Would you take a moment to think back on all the blessings that have been bestowed upon you these past 12 months? I bet that if you do count your blessings, then your count of presents from the Holidays won't matter as much anymore...Romans 15:13 NLT - I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

We are continually humbled and honored by the number of people that have told us that they are keeping up with our journey and praying for us. We ask that this would continue as the road gets tougher when Chemotherapy starts on January 10th. Thank you for your love! Happy New Year!

Matt

If You Want Me To...

2011-12-17T22:07:00.000-06:00

"Then Jesus withdrew from them about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down, and prayed, "Father, if You are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but Yours be done."' Luke 22:42-42

Beloved Friends,

As our sweet Lord put this verse on my heart, I felt as though my heart was pierced upon reading the words of Jesus. Being fully God, Jesus knew his exact fate, he knew every single gruesome detail of his crucifixion, and the night before his death, Jesus, also being fully man, pleaded with His heavenly Dad, "Father, if its your will, take this crazy suffering away from me..." I think I have said those exact words to my heavenly Dad more in the past 4 days then ever before. On Tuesday, Matt and I met with my Oncologist at Baylor, Dr. O'Shaughnessy. She was absolutely darling! She was 5ft of bubbly, cancer wisdom and optimism. She made us feel comfortable and completely confident in her treatment plans for chemotherapy. I have to admit though, being the unrealistic optimist that I am, I think I had wishfully convinced myself that the surgery had gone so well that Dr. O'Shaughnessy was going to tell me that I didn't really need chemo, or that I would just have to get an 'easier' treatment. I really had no basis upon which to feel this way, I just wanted deeply for the hardest part of this journey to be over. So, as Dr. O'Shaughnessy laid out my chemo treatment plan for the next 6 months, I think I was in a complete daze. I heard every detail she said, I just didn't want her to be talking to me. Matt, of course, was there to hold my hand and soak up every detail; he was as encouraging as ever.

So, basically Dr. O'Shaugnessy is recommending the MD Anderson chemo regiment for young women who wish to maintain their fertility. The whole chemo treatment will last 24 weeks (approximately 6 months) and is broken into 2 parts. The first 12 weeks of chemo, I will be on a 3 drug regiment called FAC (5-Fluorouracil, Adriamycin, Cytoxan). Apparently this is a pretty strong cocktail of drugs, so much so, that I can only receive it once every 3 weeks. It's side effects include hair loss, nausea, extreme fatigue, and a decreased immune system. I will get the FAC regiment 4 times (every 3 weeks = 12 weeks total). The following 12 weeks, I will only get a one drug regiment, called Taxol. Although side effects are similar, they are not near as harsh as the FAC. I will receive the Taxol chemotherapy once a week for 12 weeks. The Taxol apparently is much, much easier than the FAC, just bothersome to have to get it once a week. Then Dr. O'Shaugnessy explained that because my cancer is strongly estrogen based, in order for the chemotherapy to actually work on the cancer cells, we need to significantly reduce the estrogen production in my body, which means temporarily shutting down my ovaries. So, I will have to get Lupron shots every 4 weeks during chemo. Weeks ago, when we met with the Fertility specialist, he had recommended Lupron to help preserve my fertility. However, after he recommended this and we did our research and talked to friends who have had to use Lupron before, the side effects seemed very harsh, and therefore not really worth it. So, at that point, after praying a lot about it, we had decided that we were not going to pursue any fertility options and just completely trust the Lord to grow our family as He wills. Dr. O'Shaugnessy explained that her use of Lupron, was not a suggestion, but a necessary means for the chemotherapy drugs to actually work on the cancer cells and to not have to fight with the estrogen. But it is an extra bonus that it will help preserve my ovaries! Nonetheless, Lupron will cause me to go into a medically induced menopause. Obviously, at 27, my body is not ready to go through menopause, so the side effects can be really hard to deal with. They include hot flashes, irritability, insomnia and weight gain. I am sure Dr. O. could see how overwhelmed I must have looked, so she kept reminding us that they have great drugs now to help combat almost all of these icky side effects. And the great news is, that she is very optimistic that my ovaries are going to function healthily again one day and we will get to have another biological baby! Praise the Lord! Oh, I hope that comes true! After I finish chemotherapy in 6 months, I will have to be on a hormone therapy drug, Tamoxifen, along with continued Lupron, for 5+ years. Dr. O said that if my body responds well to everything, then perhaps after 2 years (post chemotherapy) of taking Tamoxifen and Lurpon, we can pause them and try to get pregnant! Then after having a baby, I will have to get back on them until 5 years is completed. Oh, how that news encouraged my heart! Although, it was never my plan for McKinley and our next biological baby to be at least 5 years apart, I know that God is Sovereign, He knows exactly what He's doing, and I trust that He will give us a baby in His perfect timing. One of my greatest challenges through all this is handing God my dreams, my timing and my control, and really believing with all my heart that his ways are far better than mine. As my sweet hubby reminds me, "Faith that is going to be trusted is faith that is going to be tested."

On our way home home from the Oncologist, Matt and I began to discuss what the next 6 months would look like. All that I could hear was that I was going to be nauseated, irritable, extremely tired yet not able to sleep, have hot flashes, and that I would be bald and fat. (We are still doing our research on whether I am a candidate for the penguin cold caps to preserve my hair, but because of the drugs involved and the length of treatment, it is not looking like a likely possibility.) I was overwhelmed with fear and insecurity, and I just cried out, "Lord, please don't make me do this... I'm not strong enough... I don't want to..." and although I tried to ignore it, I could hear God saying, "I love you Randi; remember, with me all things are possible (Mark 10:27)." On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I didn't want to hear that All things are possible with God, I just wanted God to take this crazy suffering from me. I had taken my eyes and my heart off of the Lord and His perfect plan for my life and I allowed the enemy to fill me with doubt and sorrow. Every time I thought about being sick, grumpy, bald and fat, I would just start crying! Oh, how silly and vain I am! Then in my Bible study, I was reminded of a verse in Isaiah that described Jesus' physical appearance: "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him...." (Isaiah 53:2) That just blows my mind, because when I picture Jesus, I think of a really handsome man with brown flowing hair and perfect features. But when the God of the universe created his son in human form, He chose for him to have NO beauty or physical attractiveness. That baffled me. Why wouldn't God have made Jesus the most handsome man to ever walk the earth? And then it hit me, God never wanted His perfect message to be overshadowed by his messenger. My sweet friend reminded me that this summer I had prayed that God would get me out of the way, so when there is less of me, there could me more of Him (John 3:30). I am thankful that God answers prayers. And from the first day of this cancer diagnosis, Matt and I have prayed that God would be glorified through every step of our journey and that people would come to know His great love through our story. So perhaps, by allowing me to lose my physical attractiveness, God is simply not allowing his messenger to distract from His amazing message. I know that the Lord is continually teaching me that true beauty lies within and that He alone is more than enough for my every want and desire. So, precious Lord, I will walk through this valley, if you want me to...

Oh how I love that song! The Sunday after I was diagnosed, Ginny Owens performed that song, "If You Want Me To" at our church. Although Ginny Owens is legally blind, she has helped me to see things so clearly. If you can't see the video on your iPhone, go to YouTube or iTunes and download Ginny Owen's "If You Want Me To," I know it will bless your heart as it has blessed mine. So, today I am claiming God's promises and goodness: "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." (Ephesians 3:20) How beautiful that the God of the universe that has the power to do more than we could ever ask or imagine, loves us and is working in us and through us. This week, I looked at chemotherapy and its icky side effects as a punishment, but today I realized that I am so blessed to undergo a treatment that will kill all the cancer in me. That in a year, I will be healthy again and perhaps in 2.5 years, we will be able to have another baby. Praise God for that hope! With hope in our Lord, I can and will continue to find joy in this journey. Please pray that I will not take my eyes off of our Lord for a single moment and that I will be joyful regardless of how I look or feel. So, although I have cried out many time this week, "Lord, if you are willing take this cup from me" I now can find so much peace in the end of that verse "but Lord, be not MY will, but YOURS be done." (Luke 22:43)

Sweet friends, I love you dearly and I am so thankful for you. Thank you for reading our blog and being part of our journey. For those who have sent messages telling us what the Lord is doing in your life, Thank you! They have brought us so much joy, as they help to reveal God's goodness through all of this. I pray that you too will find peace knowing that God's will for your life is better than anything you would have planned. I am so thankful that He uses my mess for His message. Will you allow Him to use yours?

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; ALL things are possible with God." Mark 10:27

The Profoundness of Prayer

2011-12-12T14:40:00.000-06:00

Isaiah 64:4 NIV - Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

I know that close friends are already chuckling as they read the title to this post. In the past two years they have undoubtedly heard me talk plenty on this subject as I have grown in my understanding and therefore, passion thereof. My perspective on prayer has shifted in recent years as my utter ignorance of its depth has been revealed in me. I feel as though a whole new realm has been opened up to me and in writing this I hope that I may share some of my journey with you. I believe that God has been preparing me for such a time as this and He has done so in the quite, secret place of prayer. About a year and a half ago I picked up an autobiography of a very well known speaker throughout the world. In it, he said that there was one book that had impacted his life above all others; I had to get the book. I drove that day to the only book store in town that had it in stock, and I paid full price for the book. If you know me, I never pay full price for anything but this book has been worth every penny. I have read it through perhaps ten times now and every time I glean something new from its fields of wisdom on prayer. Prayer is profound.

Randi and I continue to be overwhelmed at the generous response of family and friends throughout this whole ordeal. So many of you have offered up meals, time, letters, babysitting, gifts, encouragement, thoughts, and even money. Some of you have even put in calls to doctors and friends to get us into places we might not have been able to see and enabled us to talk to those who have walked this path before us. Your care has been astounding; I don't think we've ever known that we are so loved. For this, we are ever grateful and words do not suffice to express our thankfulness. Thank you.

Of everything done on our behalf however, the most humbling of all is that you would offer this: prayer. For you to talk to a friend on our behalf who has gone through this before is of great benefit; to talk to the One who has walked in human flesh and can identify with every bit of our experience is powerful: Hebrews 4:15-16 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I have heard it reported that Barack Obama's uncle who happens to be an illegal resident, was arrested on intoxication charges. He was shortly released because his friends appealed to the highest authority in the land: the President of the United States, a.k.a. his uncle. In like manner, as I have said before, some of you have appealed to doctors in order to get us into places where we might not of otherwise been afforded the opportunity. Ah, but when you pray, you appeal to the highest authority in the heavens, a.k.a. The Father. For there is no one greater to appeal to.

I have heard it asked what the highest position one might hold in ministry might be. Many answers have been offered but perhaps the following is the best given. If you are a teacher, you may move a class; if you are an Evangelist, you may move a crowd; if you are a Priest, you may move a parish; if you are a Preacher, you may move a congregation; if you are a Pope you may move a religion; if you are a President, you may move a government; and if you are a Prophet, you may move a nation; but when you PRAY, you may move God. I believe that there is no higher form of ministry in this life than that of prayer.

Prayer is profoundly simple, and simply profound. It is easy enough that a small child can do it, and yet so deep that an old man may not fully understand its capacity. Prayer links our impotence to His Omnipotence. It takes our inabilities and leans on His reliability. Prayer releases the illusion of control to the reality of the illustrious One who controls all things. Prayer takes work, but I am convinced that prayer works.

That is why we believe that the most humbling thing that can be said to Randi and I is that someone is praying for us. WOW. The idea that you would take our little concern in front of the greatest authority in the universe is very, very humbling. I know of no greater honor.

If you are anything like me, however, this statement of 'praying for you' may at times just be a simple phrase that is code for 'good luck with that' and you go on your merry way. It may just be a simple colloquialism that is said because in the situation that we find ourselves in that is just what people say. Or, it may be said in all earnestness and then shortly thereafter forgotten. Perhaps, you find yourself on the journey where I was a few years ago and you wouldn't even know where to start in prayer.

At its most elementary form, prayer is simply a conversation with God. It is not a repetitious recital of words, it is talking to a friend. There are no magic words, God looks at the heart. It is not confined to a church, actually Jesus himself said to pray in an inner room like a closet in your home: Matthew 6:6 NASB - "But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you. You see, as I have heard it said, the secret to praying is praying in secret. Just like you would get alone with any person you want to grow in relationship with, prayer is our means to grow in God. A simple acronym that we often tell YL kids about that helps as we pray is A.C.T.S. modeled after how Jesus himself told us to pray:

Adoration: Adoring the King for who He is, Our Father.
Confession: Releasing any sin that we may be carrying around to Him.
Thanksgiving: Thanking Him for what He has already done.
Supplication: Finally, putting our requests before Him.

The other day, we asked that folks would pray for Randi in regards to her pain level and medication. It was an amazing thing to see those prayers answered so quickly. When you prayed, God moved on the situation and it was as if pain medication was never a problem to begin with! We took the old pain medication that didn't work well after the first surgery and God graciously dealt with the pain in His providence. Some might like to say this was a result of external circumstances. I say it was eternal ones.

Last Monday night, Randi began to break out in hives all over her body. It started on her arms and moved quickly down to her legs. She described it as hot and itchy and the rash was very visible. As a husband, my first reaction was to 'fix' this with some sort of pill or method or phone call as tears poured down my sweet wife's face. I immediately went to natural means to deal with the issue. Then I prayed. As quickly as it came, it left and Randi slept about as good as she has slept since surgery. God loves to answer prayer!

It has also been our prayer from the very beginning that through our trials and triumphs, God would use our journey to supply encouragement to whoever might read this. That He might be made more famous even in our 'famine' and that you might know Him in a new way. He has continued to answer this on a daily basis. We have received many letters, emails, texts, Facebook messages, and phone calls from so many who have said that our story has provided them courage to walk through the darkest of valleys and faith to trust in the most trying of times. I am so grateful to know that we have a God that is bigger than our situation.

A number of friends have commented that our faith is so strong. I have tried to be quick to remind them that faith is only as strong as the object upon which it is trusting. For I can have faith that this chair that I am sitting in will hold me, but what if the chair is weak and it collapses? You see, the faith in the chair is only as strong as the chair itself. Likewise, prayer is only as powerful as the one to which the prayer is offered. Fortunately, we can call upon the One who is more powerful than any circumstance we face. He is waiting for us, will you wait on Him? Jeremiah 33:3 NASB - 'Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.'

Forever grateful for your prayers,

Matt

Eye's Fixed, Endurance Found

2011-12-05T09:59:00.000-06:00

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Precious Friends,

It feels wonderful to be able to write this. This last week has definitely been the most physically painful of my life. I don't think I could have ever prepared myself for the icky, icky pain that I am facing. As I have said before though, I am a wimp:) I cry when things hurt. I have cried a lot this past week. But I am crying this morning as I write this because God is so faithful and he answers prayers! Friday night when Matt posted on the blog, we last updated y'all that we couldn't find a pain medicine that would work for me and we asked for prayer. Oh, I am so thankful for your prayers, because within hours we tried a different pain med and it worked! My pain definitely lessened and I was able to sleep! Praise God. It overwhelms my heart that we have family and friends that would pray for us and that we have a loving God who hears our every prayer. If as many people are truly praying as say they are praying, then God's glory is for sure going to shine through all this pain:) Thank you for praying.

In one of my weakest moments when the pain was at its peak, Matt's sweet Grandma gently reminded me that when the pain is there, it is an opportunity to remember the suffering Jesus endured for me. What a blessing it has been to take my thoughts off of me and instead put them on Jesus. It completely blows my mind that the King of the Universe would come down to Earth and endure the worst death possible, death on a cross, just for me; Just for you. This week in my devotional, I read this amazing verse, " See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;" Isaiah 49:16 As Jesus was nailed to the cross, my name was engraved on the palms of his hands! He was thinking about me. I remember so clearly the night at YL camp when I was 16, that I finally understood that Jesus wasn't just some guy that died on a cross for all the good people in this world. My young life leader so lovingly told me that Jesus knew every little thing about me, every mistake I had ever made and will ever make, and he loved me more than I could even imagine. "God demonstrated his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 That day on that cross, perfect Jesus, who deserved none of it, endured the worst suffering imaginable, all because he loved a sinner like me. Even if I was the only person on earth, Jesus still would have died for me. The same is true of you; He died for you. He knows every tiny thing about you and he passionately loves you. Do you know that love? Oh, I hope so. If you don't, I would love nothing more in this world than to talk to you about it. Jesus would love nothing more than for you talk to him about it. When Jesus died on that cross and arose from the dead three days later, the greatest rescue plan in all of history occurred. Jesus saved us from an eternity of life without him. He saved me from a life of me. The day I finally understood this truth and accepted the amazing gift Christ has to offer, it changed my life forever. That day in 2000, I gave my whole life to Christ. It has been the best decision I have ever made. Jesus never promises that a life with Him will be easy and free from pain and trials (oh, how I understand this evermore now), but that He will "never leave us or forsake us. "Hebrews 13:5. I can't imagine living one day of this icky cancer without my Jesus. Although the physical pain at times feels overwhelming, it pales in comparison to the pain of living any day without Him. So, even though my body feels like it is wasting away, my heart is renewed every day as I set my eyes on Jesus. He understands my every pain, he has been there, he gets it. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2 Please continue to pray that Matt and I will fix our eyes on Jesus every single day of this journey. I pray that you too will fix your eyes on Him.

Tomorrow we go to see Dr. Carpenter and hopefully I will get these silly drains removed! Please pray that I am healing well and that I will respect the boundaries that the Doctors and this cancer have put on me. I have been known to push boundaries:) My parents have so lovingly been here for the past week and have taken great care of McKinley and I. I will be sad to see them to go back to Colorado tomorrow, but my sweet little sister Ryli is flying in tonight to be with us for the next week. I am so excited for sweet time with her. If you by chance see Matt or have the time to email/call him in the days ahead, please give him a big hug, because he is without a doubt the best husband in the world. He has served me in the most selfless of ways. I know that nearly 5 years ago when he married me, he never thought he would have to care for me in these ways. I hate that he has to do it. But golly, he has loved me more in the last week than I could ever describe. Please encourage him with me. God is so good to give me a husband like Matt and family and friends like all of you. I am encouraged every day by your love and I truly thank God for you.

Joyfully in HIM~

Rands

"Lighten" The Night

2011-12-02T21:05:00.000-06:00

2 Corinthians 4:6 NASB - For God, who said, "Light shall shine out of darkness," is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

The last 72 hours have gone by very quickly, and yet so slowly at the same time. This is the paradox of pain I am sure. Sleep has been a luxury lost in the waning hours. We have made it home and it has been good to see our sweet daughter McKinley and our best friend (dog) Trooper. Last night was our first night at home since the surgery; it was a difficult night. Our God is so gracious though! He knows just the little things we need to encourage us. Psalms 145:9 NASB - The LORD is good to all, And His mercies are over all His works. This verse rang very true our first night home. We walked outside to find that our house had been fully equipped with some stunning Christmas lights. This is the first time we have ever had them. Randi said it was a dream come true!

The Senior Campaigners group with Young Life, alongside Jeff Levesque and his father had spent all day while we were at the hospital setting up these lights. Are you kidding me!? When I was a senior in HS I sincerely doubt that I would have done such a thing. Would you have? Light was shining on our dark circumstances. Randi and I could do nothing but cry tears of joy because our heavenly Father is right there alongside us through even the darkest of moments. I have said this before and it stands true today: "When I am tempted to be overwhelmed by my circumstance, I trust and am overwhelmed by His GRACE."

Will you look for the Light today, no matter how dim your day is or how dark your night feels? Where the Light is, darkness cannot abide. Darkness only exists where the Light is being blocked, what is blocking the Light for you? Numbers 6:24-25 NASB - The LORD bless you, and keep you; The LORD make His face shine on you, And be gracious to you.

Please pray not for comfort, but for The Comforter. The pain has been intense as it comes and goes. We have had great difficulty finding a pain medication that works with Randi the way we need it to. Please pray that God would remove the pain, or if not, then give Randi the strength to endure it. Rands is such a pillar of peace, even in the midst of such pain. I must say that my wife is even more beautiful to me now since I have seen her true colors through the trials than she has ever been to me before. Proverbs 18:22 NASB - He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD. I have found a GREAT one. Thank you Father for such a gift!

Leaning on Him,

Matt

Surgery's Story, Recovery's Road

2011-11-29T22:15:00.000-06:00

Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer. (Romans 12:12 NASB)

Sweet Friends,

I have been utterly and completely overwhelmed by the compassion, concern, and care that you have showered upon us. I am happy to report from the hospital room that we are in, a successful surgery after five long hours. The peace that my wife experienced prior to surgery was so undeniably evident and profoundly powerful that it is difficult for me to explain in the natural realm. It is proof that your prayers are powerful and that our God is good.

We have had good reports thus far from all of the doctors. I got to see my precious bride in recovery and I can still say with all confidence that she shines with all beauty despite these ugly circumstances. Even in vomiting and pain, I have the most amazing, gorgeous wife that money can't buy, only a gracious God can grant. I am so blessed by her.

It is now a bit after 10 and Rands is slowly coming in and out of sleep. What a princess, she's my queen. Her trust is true, her hope is honorable, her faith is fruitful and her love is lasting. She, to me, epitomizes Romans 12:12. What a gal I was given; what a God we got.

Thank you for you prayers and your encouragement. We are so humbled by you and grateful for your love. The road ahead is very long. Randi is a strong woman (but kind of a wimp when it comes to pain). Will you join us in rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, and being devoted in prayer?

In His Love,

Matt