Dumb Blonde Jokes

A Tale of Three Women.

2015-10-08T16:37:00.002-07:00

Three women went down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from Indiana University School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug that thing in."

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Blonde Interview

2015-09-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.

He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

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Horsing around ...

2015-09-04T08:42:00.002-07:00

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush.

The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail.

Our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height.

When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one

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Redecorating ...

2015-09-04T08:39:00.003-07:00

A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom.

She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"

"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

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One eyed dog ...

2015-09-04T08:35:00.003-07:00

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

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Jill's suit repair ...

2015-09-04T08:32:00.002-07:00

One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your favorite suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's darn lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

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Barking dogs ....

2015-09-04T08:27:00.001-07:00

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking; what have you been doing?"

The blonde says "I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.

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The price of gas ...

2015-09-04T08:25:00.003-07:00

Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."

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Blonde Physical Education Teacher

2015-04-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone ... while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know,' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' she asks.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says ....

... "Because I'm the Goalie !"

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A Blonde Phone Call to Mom

2013-05-09T14:43:00.001-07:00

Hi Mom, it's me.

"Hi Sally, are you okay?

I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."

"What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"

"Well, it really wasn't my fault.

Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.

Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"

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Windows

2012-02-16T16:56:00.003-08:00

Windows
Source: Email contribution

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

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Blonde Joke Classics

2011-11-28T18:04:00.000-08:00

DISNEYLAND
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Two blondes were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
---------------
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you took away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
----------------------
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
--------
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
-----------------
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
-----------
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
-------------------------------------------------
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

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A Blonde in a Plane

2011-10-27T10:48:00.000-07:00

A Blonde in a Plane
Source: Email Contribution

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, MOVES TO THE FIRST-CLASS SECTION, AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE"

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, WHO BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE PAID FOR ONLY ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO, AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND, TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE’S A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS; I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR. SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY" AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK THE PILOT WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE THE BLONDE MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER .... ‘FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.’”

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Blondes Riding Bareback

2011-02-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

A blonde was riding a horse bareback when she fell off.

Just before it trampled her to death a miracle happened.

A mall cop came over and unplugged the ride.

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All Girl Biker Bar ...

2011-01-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy, ‘Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

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Computer passwords for Blondes

2010-01-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

Computer passwords for Blondes
Source: Email contribution

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

2009-08-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
Source: Email contribution

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ...so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

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The Blonde Mortician

2008-08-28T13:39:00.001-07:00

The Blonde Mortician
Source: Email contribution

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.

How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!

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The paint job ...

2008-06-03T15:48:00.000-07:00

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as 'handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

The blond quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blond' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the husband asked.

'Yes,' the blond replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

'And by the way,' the blond added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

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The bet ...

2008-04-16T18:31:00.000-07:00

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news.

A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

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Row, row your boat ...

2008-04-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke.

A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat.

The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo!

It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!

If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

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Time ...

2008-04-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45.

The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

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Animal tracks ...

2008-04-09T18:26:00.000-07:00

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.

She looked down, then got run over by the train!

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Locked car ...

2008-04-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

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Painting ...

2008-04-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.

She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

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