Life with Dennis: Bicycling, Teaching, & more

Beginning Again, 01-18-2024

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Fri, 19 Jan 2024 04:44:00 +0000

I was searching my Google Drive account and ran across an entry I had written about Situational Ethics and Value Philosophy. I reread it and was impressed with what I had written. I thought at the time it was in Google Drive because I hadn't imported it to my Blogger account. I eventually migrated to this account and realized I had posted the opinion piece. I was so impressed with myself and my desire to write I decided to Begin Again.

I turned 77 two days ago. It was a low-key event. We were surrounded by ice. The one thing I do not like when living in Oregon is the occasional freezing rain event. I realized I was a rain worshipper as I was praying and wishing and hoping for rain to melt the ice and therefore free me from my ice prison. The rain started yesterday and today there is no evidence of its having previously existed. It is still raining leaving standing water in one of my driveways where I park my pickup. That particular low spot is destined to by filled in by a load of 3/4-minus gravel.

I left off blogging back in 08-2020 when I received the results of my T-cell reprogramming. My reprogramed T-cells had no effect on my stomach tumor. Eventually I had the stomach tumor biopsied. It is a GastroIntestinal Stromal Tumor. The key word is stromal. It means slow growing, non-aggressive. I was prescribed a pill to combat its growth. I handled the side effects of the drug well with the exception of the pills effect on my phosphorus levels. I began taking phosphorus supplements. No other side effects presented.

Early in 2023 after a quarterly CT scan I was informed a second GIST(hard 'g' please, as in Gastro) had formed on my large intestine. The pill prescription was doubled to one in the morning and one in the evening. Thus began a side effect, chronic diarrhea. Another aspect of doubling the pill intake was increasing the phosphorus to 3 pills 4 times a day. Getting the 3 pills 4 times per day down was quite a challenge. I use my smart phone to help me remember to take them. Meanwhile, not long after the second GIST diagnosis, my PSA numbers shot up. I was referred to my Urologist for follow up. First step was a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis, prostate cancer.

The prostate biopsy was an interesting event in my life. It was originally scheduled for late spring. I staggered (8 AM appointment) in to my Urologist's office and learned I hadn't done the preliminary stuff I was informed I needed to do. I vaguely recalled reading the information, but I don't think I was ready to hear the news, results of the biopsy, yet.

I knew from reading cancer is genetic. My father indirectly shared with me he had his prostate removed. I learned this in his Urologist's office from his Urologist. Those of you reading this may relate to our parents' reluctance to share serious medical stuff or anything deemed worth keeping a secret, and not talking about IT. Thus I wasn't surprised I may have prostate cancer, but in truth, I wasn't ready to hear I had another cancer. Thus my staggering, unprepared, entrance into my Urologist's office.

A second biopsy was scheduled. I did all the preliminary stuff and the biopsy was performed. I found it uncomfortable but not painful. It was after the lidocaine wore off it became VERY painful. Prior to this experience I had gone through 4 biopsies. My experience with the three previous left me with the memory biopsies were not a big deal. This one was a big deal. The pain subsided by evening so no long lasting effect. And yes I do indeed have prostate cancer. I was assigned an Oncologist specializing in prostate cancer. During our initial consult the oncologist scheduled an MRI to determine if the cancer had spread to the bones. The MRI revealed there was a likelihood the cancer was present in the hip area bones, two spots. The treatment is a shot once every 4 months. The shot slows down the production of testosterone and therefore the cancers urge to grow. One of the side effects of the shot is a lack of energy. I have a lack of energy. Just look at the dirty dishes stacked up in the kitchen.

I had another CT scan during the summer and learned from my primary Oncologist a mass showed up on my right exterior pericardial wall. I needed another biopsy.

A rather bizarre like affair followed in scheduling the biopsy. It needed to be done in Portland at one of the Kaiser hospitals. There came a point when I wondered why I hadn't heard from a scheduler regarding my biopsy. I checked my phone messages. Nothing there from a hospital. Eventually I found a number to call and schedule. The person I talked with said they couldn't schedule it at the time. I recall I needed to consult with the surgeon first. Thus began this series of phone calls where the hospital folks kept saying they had left messages and I responded there were no messages on my phone from them. I was encouraged to call back to speak with the surgeon and I did after a scheduled time to catch the surgeon in his office. He would call me. The time passed. No message. I called back and his assistant said he was in his office. She checked with him and he was on the phone. I was encouraged to wait. I did. We spoke and then the biopsy was scheduled. My point in sharing the preceding is the following realization. Some time later I was checking messages and decided I needed to clear a whole bunch of messages I didn't need anymore. Clearing those messages revealed down at the bottom of the few remaining messages was a heading 'blocked messages.' I investigated and found all the messages purported to have been left by not only the Kaiser people, but my Wildfire Recovery contact person. So to the reader if you have an iPhone remember this passage and scroll to the bottom of the main message menu to find blocked messages. I had blocked the numbers because I saw no message in the main menu so thought it was spam, junk calls. I now check both lists.

The biopsy went well. I had to stay overnight as it was in the heart area where the samples were collected. Because of the overnight I was able to drive there and back. I experienced discomfort around the primary incision site for several weeks. The biopsy confirmed the return of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. I have three different cancers undergoing treatment. The treatment for the Lymphoma is 2 days back to back every 21 days. I spend about 4 hours at Kaiser Skyline Infusion Center the first day then come back for a 15 minute session the next day. The only noticeable side effect is a greasy sensation in the mouth effecting food and water. It is just off putting. Kind of dampens the appetite, but not too much. I am currently beginning cycle 4 of the 21 day cycle.

All the preceding should bring you, the reader, up to date. I have 3 cancers, but there is a caveat. December 6, I had 4 cancers. December 7, 3 cancers. December 6, I underwent a MOHS surgery to remove two basal cells from my scalp. One on top of my head and really wasn't aware of and a second, a black, ugly scab slightly above my left ear. I was awake during the whole removal of the two. MOHS is outpatient surgery and its primary difference from other cancer surgeries is there is a lab on site so the surgeon can receive feedback whether their initial effort got all of the malignant cells. If they didn't then the patient returns to the table to have more tissue removed. In my case the one above the ear needed some follow up. It was a full day as the Kaiser MOHS site is in Portland. I was late arriving due to traffic, but the staff were very understanding. My son, Jaxom, came with me to drive us home. I have some pictures of my head showing the bandaging afterward.

Thanks for reading, until next time may peace be with you.

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sun, 30 Aug 2020 23:06:00 +0000

Long Time No Word from Me

August 30, 2020

To those of you who have been trying to keep up with me regarding my Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma challenge I issue an apology. If you recall my last entry, I wrote about the monitoring of my CAR T transfusion by my OHSU doctors. The first 30 days ended August 7, and I was scheduled to meet with my Oncologist on the 12th to discuss how the CAR T was working based on what a CT scan revealed. Due to a Kaiser and OHSU contract conflict that meeting and scan had to be rescheduled. I received a CT scan Tuesday, August 25, and met with my Oncologist, August 27.

The results of the CT scan revealed no change for the stomach mass where the B cell(s), which is the aggressive form of Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and a couple new nodules on my liver. This was not good news. My oncologist shared they cannot tell if the T cells are gone or just sluggish meaning they haven't started working yet or the B cell mass is effectively hiding.

My oncologist suggested several treatment options most involved chemotherapy. We decided a biopsy was the next best step. My oncologist said he needed to consult with my Kaiser oncologist to see what can be worked out.

So, I am in waiting mode awaiting word from Kaiser.

I feel good. Energy levels are improving. I am dealing with neuropathy in my toes and water retention in my ankles(cankles).

Waiting is.

RED, WHITE AND BLUE

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sun, 26 Jul 2020 01:43:00 +0000

What we won’t do for science. What that means to me is participating in cutting edge medical technology to cure a disease I currently have. There are risks with being on the cutting edge. My risks are several with two being of utmost concern: cytokine release syndrome (CRS) and neurotoxicity. CRS is the result of fever spikes with 100.4 degrees being the indicator of something going on above and beyond the CAR-T therapy. Day 0, the day I received my ‘reprogrammed’ T cells back, was July 6, Day 1, July 7 and Day 2, July 8. I was seen by a physician on Days 1 and 2. During the evening of Day 2, after 9 PM, my fever began to spike. I was having chills and climbed into bed hoping to drop the temperature and then recalled I needed to know what my temperature was, so I took it. 101.4 degrees was what the thermometer said. I couldn’t recall what the temperature cutoff was and went looking for it amongst all the literature I have accumulated in regards to this cutting-edge medical technology. I vaguely recalled there was a script I must recite to the answering triage nurse. All I could find was the phone number for OHSU Emergency department. I identified myself as an oncology patient and my last temp reading of 101.4. Dameon drove me to the emergency room. I was admitted. Kept in emergency room till the next morning when a room was cleared for me on the floor for cancer patients.

The night in emergency was pretty uncomfortable. The bed was all mechanical, meaning no hydraulics or electronics to adjust the bed. Crank it up or crank it down. The mattress was very old and thin. I felt every crossbar under the mattress. My supposition was the bed was pulled out of storage when Covid patients required all the newer stuff for their treatment.

I got breakfast, strawberry yogurt, fresh strawberries and fresh blueberries. My hospital physicians promised me a different bed which I got. By then a room had been prepped for me and a CNA delivered me to the room. Shortly after arriving I realized I was going to need an emesis bag. The RN realized they had none in the room and stepped out to get some. I realized I couldn’t wait and stepped into my bathroom and proceeded to unload breakfast. Yes, red, white and blue all over the nice clean toilet. After cleaning up the bathroom the RN asked what I had that was so red since there had been more strawberries than the yogurt and blueberries.

Later the same day when coming in to check on me and asking how I was feeling I could not reply. I had lost my voice.

The next morning, I had a group call with several of my old high school classmates and I did not want to miss the call. As I was getting my iPad adjusted on my lap one of my classmates commented on my double chin. Yes, I have a double chin so what was the use in commenting back or denying the reality of a double chin. After our call had concluded and I was finishing up some bathroom duties I looked in the mirror and saw I had turkey neck or turkey doppelgangers. Two lymph nodes had swollen to golf ball size, which I believe is what my classmate had seen. One on each side of my Adam’s apple. I could gobble and shake my head back and forth and wallah turkey neck. Gobbling was difficult yet, but not shaking the head.

Sometime on Sunday, I received a medication, Tociluzimab, a medicine blocking inflamed proteins and my fever spikes stopped. Since other causes of inflammation were eliminated, they felt pretty comfortable stating my fever spikes were due to CRS. I spent Monday night and Tuesday night in the hospital to make sure and released Tuesday.

I have had no further fever issues. I have been feeling OK, energy levels low, doing more sleeping and napping.

I am writing this on Day 16. My schedule with my doctors is now once very 3 days and tomorrow, Sunday, Day 17, (7/26/2020), is the next day to see a doctor.

Day 30 is 8/7/2020, and at that time my first CT scan since before CAR T started will occur. This upcoming scan will be very telling. Cross our collective fingers and keep those prayers coming.

I can still feel the lump but doesn’t seem to be as painful, lately.

7-2 thru 7-4-2020 CAR T transplant begins

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sat, 04 Jul 2020 20:01:00 +0000

July 2, 2020, Sitting in my room at the Hyatt House

I have transitioned to Portland and a hotel room near OHSU’s Knight Cancer Center all arranged by OHSU. An oncology social worker contacted me back in May about housing to keep me close to OHSU after the CAR T transplant. I had to meet low income requirements and home distance to OHSU to qualify for a kind of grant program. I qualified although distance was right on the border line of being too close. My estimate is I'm 75 miles from OHSU and the funding agency prefers 100 miles, but the OHSU social worker was persuasive. It is my intent to keep these blog entries reflective of the CAR T process and how frequently the doctors want to see me to determine how I'm doing.

Today’s activity was all about getting me ready for my 4^th of July weekend and next Wednesday. Starting tomorrow, July 3, begins a 3-day course of chemo. Short days, two bags, 30 minute each, of a specific cancer drug, Fludarabine and Cyclophosphamide. The chemo drugs are administered back to back. There are labs and checkups before. There is hydration before. There will be a hydration period after the last chemo drug to flush the body out. Then providing there are no reactions needing attention I am through for the day. Saturday will be the same. Sunday starts in the afternoon with the same routine before, but after there may be a third drug administered. I can’t find it, the third drug, in today’s paperwork, so I am flying blind with my guess work. Then two days off, rest, and Wednesday, July 8, I get my overhauled T cells back and welcome a few new T cells (clones I’ll bet) in 10 to 30 minutes of time. Then it really starts. July 8 is Day 0 and 7/9 is day 1 and so on.

July 4, 2020

I have finished my second day of chemo. I had a problem connecting my laptop to the Hyatt House Wi-Fi, but Dameon has solved my connection issue, which now allows me to update on a timelier basis. Today was quicker than yesterday. Friday’s chemo session ended around noon. Today it was 11:30. As speculated above everything is progressing according to the plan. I am not experiencing any discomfort from the chemo drugs (yet). I think the only discomfort will be a loss of hair, again, which is not a pain issue, just a self-esteem issue.

One issue popping up during yesterday's infusion was my PICC line and during today's infusion it was a topic of discussion. The line into my body has a tendency to pull out during redressing the bandage covering. This is not uncommon for a PICC line. There are marks on the tubing line every centimeter. When first inserted there were only 4.5 centimeters of tubing showing before the tube disappears into my body. Now 8.5 centimeters are showing. Four centimeters have pulled out in the 6 months of living with the PICC line. It only pulls out during the changing of the covering not during daily living activities. The bandage holds everything in place. Way back when it was first noticed the tubing was beginning to pull out I had an X-ray done. The radiologist warned if it reaches 9 then its replacement time. As you can see I have a half centimeter to go. The upshot is during my two rest days I must get an X-ray to see if current placement of the tubing end next to my heart is acceptable. If not then I get a new PICC line. I found the initial PICC line installation to be very easy and unobtrusive. Which does not explain my anxiety regarding the installation of a new PICC line. This issue will get more attention in subsequent blog entries.

Monday, June 22, Catching Up

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 03:25:00 +0000

Today is Monday, June 22. You last heard from me May 26, almost a month has elapsed since I last reported on my condition. I am now dropping in to say what condition my condition is in. Currently feeling ok per my use of a song lyric from my youth. Some of my readers are wondering how Apheresis went and what actually happened.

The day, June 2, started early (for me) and ended late, which is not unusual (for me). I had to report early for a surgical procedure where an inline catheter was placed. One end entered my body near the right collar bone and the other end, a special tube, about the diameter of surgical tubing, but much stiffer with perforations strategically placed, ending near my heart. I experienced no discomfort from the procedure and afterwards. Once I was cleared, I was wheeled off to the Apheresis unit. I was attached to a centrifuge via my inline catheter and blood was withdrawn to have the T cells withdrawn and everything else returned to me. My rudimentary understanding is the catheter and tubing allow for blood to flow in both directions at the same time. I was hooked up to the centrifuge for 5.5 hours. I wasn’t interested in daytime tv. I did not bring a charger for my phone, so I did not have a source of diversion to occupy myself. It was boring except for chatting with my primary care giver. I was given discharge instructions and off I went into the evening. Somewhere during our maneuvers to exit the main OHSU campus, Marquam Hill, I received a call from my OHSU MSW, who was the point person on the Apheresis process. The MSW said all the T cells harvested were acceptable so there would be no need for me to come back tomorrow for a second session in the Apheresis lab. Oh Yay, says I. What this meant to me more immediately is I would not have to spend a night with the catheter in place. It also meant we had to go to the lower campus to have a nurse remove the catheter. We made it and there was no long wait. Turned out the charge nurse new where Mehama was. Grew up further upstream from me and went to school in Gates/Mill City. Dameon and I returned to our overnight abode around 8:30.

The next morning, I had to be at Sunnyside Hospital for an 11 AM pulmonary test. Part of the pre-tests for the CAR T therapy. And that afternoon back in Salem for my first radiation treatment. I had a preliminary talk with the Radiation Oncologist supervising my brief spate of radiation while waiting for the return of my T cells, June 1. This included my target areas being determined and marked with little tiny tattoo dots by special technicians. I walked into the waiting area and shortly after the radiation techs came and escorted me back to the radiation machine. What a piece of modern technology, and not by any stretch of the imagination like a normal cat scan machine. This machine unpacks several arms each with a different device on the end. These arms would rotate around me at the direction of the technicians who were monitoring me via computers. In and out of radiation treatment in less than 15 minutes and on my way home a few minutes later. Wow, impressive!! That was Wednesday and Thursday.

Friday I was awakened by a pain in my chest. I dressed myself as always then went and collapsed in my lounge chair and waited to see if the pain would abate, which it didn’t. I called an OHSU triage nurse and went over the symptoms with the nurse, who consulted with my OHSU oncologist. It was determined I needed to go to emergency. Dameon drove me in. Checked myself in and then waited before getting escorted to a room for a vitals check then back out to the waiting room and waited. Eventually they got me into an intermediary room while I waited for a CAT scan of my chest. During this wait I became hungry but was told I could not eat until after the CAT scan and even after the CAT scan I had to wait for a doctor to read and interpret the scan results before I could eat. A Kaiser Hospitalist came to me with the results of the CAT scan. I had blood clots, but not a pulmonary embolism (PE), which was good news for the doctor meaning I dodged a bullet. The solution was an overnight stay for observation and a ton of Lovenox syringes. Lovenox is a blood thinner, but of the new variety which inhibits further growth of current blood clots and stops future development of blood clots (because my blood is thin?). When the Lovenox solution was presented to me there was an implication this could be a lifetime thing(?). I’m not interested in jabbing myself twice a day in my stomach flab for the rest of my life. I’ll do it for now. I was discharged Saturday morning and by Sunday morning was feeling reasonably well. No chest pain, and still aware of a lump on my stomach.

The following week, June 8 through June 12, was attending my radiation treatments in the afternoon and hanging out at home. The following week was much the same except Friday, June 19, was my last day of radiation. It looked like the next week, today through June 26, was going to be very laid back, but Saturday, June 20, the RN who is my oncology doctor’s primary assistant called to check in and give me an outline of what the future was looking like. Around the end of the month things will start heating up for me and CAR T transplant. The RN said as soon as all the dates were locked in, she would send me copy of the calendar. So, my 4^th of July may be very different for me. I will keep you posted.

I MUST BE ON A HILL BECAUSE IT APPEARS ALL DOWNHILL FROM MY PERSPECTIVE 05/16/2020 thru 5/26

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Tue, 26 May 2020 21:30:00 +0000

I am actually writing this on the 24^th. The week of 5/16 through 5/22 was chock full of appointments in Salem and Portland.

Monday, I was scheduled for an EGD in Portland. The appointment was set for 1 PM. I had breakfast at 11 AM and shortly after we were off to Portland. As we approached the outskirts of Portland my memory cells started working again and I recalled my last EGD in January. That memory helped me remember I had been on a fasting order from Midnight to 5:30 PM the next evening. All of which made me realized I had screwed up and broke my fast which would postpone my EGD. I shared with the nurse my predicament. She checked with the doctor who canceled the EGD. Staff then went to work finding me a spot in the schedule ASAP. They found one for Tuesday, early afternoon the next day, and I was in the clear as long as I remembered the fasting expectation.

Tuesday morning, I had a brain MRI in Salem. Then Dameon and I were off to Portland for my EGD.

Wednesday, I had a Fluoroscopy scheduled in Salem. I had to look the word up and found a definition indicating it was a way of X-rays to take motion pictures. I got into the fluoroscopy room, and while I was engaged in a pleasant conversation with the tech person I saw on a screen or a piece of paper, I saw the phrase, Lumbar Puncture. I had my gasps, mostly internal, before I recalled the conversation with my OHSU oncology doctor who said they would need to look at my spinal fluid for signs of cancer. I settled in for the puncture process. I was on the table for approximately an hour. Several punctures later the doctor was yet to see my body giving up any fluid. The puncture process was ended without any fluid. It was determined I may need to come back for a second try. The thought of going through what I had just experienced was one I wanted to avoid at all costs. We went home. I applied ice and heat throughout the evening.

Thursday, it was back to Portland for afternoon appointments, with the Aphersis nurse who examined my veins to see where they would be extracting my T cells, a blood draw, and a conversation with my OHSU oncologist. The conversation with my oncologist started with an uplifting note. The doctor had already heard about the lumbar puncture. If the brain MRI showed no abnormalities, then there would be no need for a lumbar puncture. During this conversation the oncologist presented the reason for moving the T cell extraction back one week to June 2. It was important the chemo drugs from my Cycle 3, day 1 and day 8 were completely gone from my system. The nurse practioner (NP) had been monitoring email notifications during the conversation and at one point got up and went to the computer. After looking at the message turned to the oncologist with a wry smile. The oncologist couldn’t help but noticed she seemed pleased with what she had read. The oncologist read the message and relayed to me the MRI report noted there were no abnormalities in the scan and therefore I would not need a follow up lumbar puncture. YAYYYYYY!!! To those of you reading this if you are scheduled for a lumbar puncture be well hydrated, exceedingly so. I was not.

Friday, no appointments, but several phone calls from MSWs, OHSU and Kaiser, and a person calling to schedule a needle biopsy for my stomach B cell. Tuesday’s EGD led the doctor to assert the B cell was on the exterior of the stomach and thus a biopsy from the stomach interior was not possible. The appointment date offered was June 3 which to my way of thinking was a day late and a dollar short. I referred the person back to the source of the referral for clarification. Later Friday, I began to experience an intense headache, actually a neckache. I was able to sleep during the night.

Saturday, I awoke without any sign of discomfort other than some mild nausea. Maybe a couple hours after arising the headache returned and this time the discomfort was behind the eyes. I chose to lay down on my bed. I, apparently, fell asleep as I was awakened by a phone call from Dameon. The discomfort was gone and did not return the rest of the day. I attributed the headache/neckache to the lumbar puncture, but who knows? Energy level was minimal and as a result I didn’t go for any walks. Standing on my front porch was the extent of my outdoor activity.

Sunday, a day of rest. A couple of walks with Lizzie.

Monday, I was brought back to reality, so to speak. My sister-in-law wondered what time we would be arriving. She had not been informed in the change of dates until I responded to her email stating the date had been moved. The good news for me was I still had a place to stay on June 1. I had complained about my memory during past visits to the infusion nurses and had gotten a response “cancer brain.” Chemo drugs can cause confusion. An excuse to be avoided and yet a very real issue. My thinking had settled into Memorial Day weekend, but not associating the weekend with any specific dates. When May 26 had been chosen as the original date for Aphersis I did not associate the date with Memorial Weekend. I assumed I had another week, which is true now but wasn’t last Thursday when the reasons were provided for the change in date. It took me until last night just before going to bed for the light to go off in my brain and I could see how I screwed up. Until that moment, which was set off by a date I glimpsed before going to bed, I was still holding the weekend and the current dates as two separate items in my head. Talk about a day late and a dollar short!

Tuesday, May 26, I am catching my blog up. I feel OK. Energy level is up. No current discomfort whether in my head or my abdomen. So far, no appointments this week. It could be a complete week of rest. I may not be adding any blog entries if the week remains appointment free. I would like to catch you up after the Aphersis appointment, June 2.

Until the next time, Peace Be With You.

TREATMENT TRANSITIONS AND OTHER ITEMS, 5-06 to 05-12-2020

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Wed, 13 May 2020 05:37:00 +0000

05-06-2020, Thinkin’ ‘bout Lymphoma(still); money remarks; Covid 19 and stem cell transplant (starts tomorrow)

Yesterday, Tuesday, May 5, I completed Cycle 3, Day 1. Tomorrow I travel to Oregon Health Sciences University to begin the preliminary stuff for the stem cell transplant. I predict the stem cell schedule will hold pretty much to the treatment cycle I’m on with Kaiser. So, if nothing changes date wise should expect to be at OHSU Tuesday, May 26, for, up to, two weeks, which is when they infuse the drugs to kill the malignant cells and put in my good cells. Vacuuming out my stem cells will happen before Then I am sent home and for the next 30 days, monitored for any significant reactions, such as, vomiting, diarrhea, and temperature. If I need all the preceding time to accept the transplant, I will be looking at 45 days more of treatment.

Yesterday’s infusion went well. It took longer due to my RN having to make a couple consults with higher ups.

05-09-2020

Thursday, I went to OHSU to begin the preliminaries for a stem cell transplant. Navigating the complex was my big challenge. I had two appointments with 30 minutes between them. The first was up on the hill in the Hatfield building then down to the waterside for the big meet in the Knight Cancer treatment complex. I became distracted on my way up to my first appointment’s floor and got off when a fellow passenger got off the elevator.

Proper distancing was practiced or at least as much as an elevator with two people in it will allow on the diagonal.

Anyway, I was on the wrong floor. I walked into one area and was immediately asked if I needed help. An RN escorted me to the correct elevator and floor I needed to go to(return to) and go back up to the floor I needed to be on. I made it but, not on time. I’m not sure if this appointment simply was an assessment as to where transfusion should occur, or they were looking to install a line. Now that I think about it, installing a line, like my PICC line in my right upper bicep, requires a sterile setting and some time. Someone may be overthinking it a bit. The nurse assessing me called out to another nurse at a computer, “We’ll put a port line in on his left side.” The nurse at the computer acknowledged receipt and subsequent entry. An appointment has to be made. This is where I would undergo transfusion. T-cells out, sent out to be cleaned by Norvartis, frozen at Norvartis, then brought back to be infused into my system when ready. Oh yes, did I mention Norvartis has a role in this transplant. Just so you know Novartis is involved. Novartis. And so, I am pretty sure after so much emphasis Norvartis is part of the process.

05-10-2020

Saturday and Sunday were days of fatigue. Whole lot of sitting and sleeping, cat napping.

05-12-2020

Cycle 3, Day 2, I woke up around 3:30 this morning to pee. I completed my obligation then headed back to bed. As I was laying there waiting to fall asleep, I noticed a rather uncomfortable sensation in my stomach. ‘What is that,’ I thought to myself. Wow do I have to throw up? Ah yep. Dry heaves. 4 or 5 heaves, big sloppy runny nose, alligator tears and I was through. Made it back to bed and chose to lay on my left side, which proved quite unremarkable given my past history with the left side. I fell asleep and was awakened by my 7 AM alarm. I felt like shit. I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to go get a blood draw in preparation for today’s infusion, I did not want to go to my chemotherapy, I did not want to Sam I Yam. So, I laid there until Dameon rousted me out of bed. The stomach was nauseous. After 5 minutes of sitting in my lounge chair/throne, it was pretty apparent I wasn’t through with the dry heaves. Another bout of 4 or 5 heaves with the same extra-curriculars as earlier on the side and I was pretty wasted. Dameon had prepared a cup of coffee and a glass of water to ease my stomach’s transition. I knew a cup of black coffee would not do well in my sensitive stomach. I asked Dameon to blend some ganja butter into the cuppa. He did so and I experienced the delight of a hot beverage offering me comfort. The ganja butter offers two benefits off the top to me. One, ganja has anti-nausea properties, and two, it stimulates the appetite. The nausea abated and I was able to shower before hopping into the pickup to start the day’s adventure in Salem.

First stop was a blood draw. By the time I was finished with the blood draw my appetited was robust. The problem is chemo has an effect on my taste. I experience some sort of coating but isn’t a coating. The taste of food is masked. Masked in such a way it appeals to me as uninteresting. I think about a food and the coating comes to mind and obscures(may not be the right word) the taste. Best way to express this phenomenon is food has no appeal, the thought of a particular food item can leave me flat, no desire. Thus, if I’m hungry I now run a menu thru my head to see if something jumps out to my senses.

This morning, after my blood draw, I fixated on a pancake with one fried egg, over medium, please. I was in the pickup ready to eat and then I remembered this is he time of Covid. Order by phone and pickup. We did so. Ate in the pickup.

There is an expression used by the patients and caregivers called ‘chemo brain.’ I bring it up now as it has many manifestations. Alertness is a challenge. Not tracking my behavior very well, meaning how I am operating the unit named Dennis is becoming real interesting. I managed to dribble syrup over my clean shirt, later spilled a part of a latte on self and car seat. I find these

Instances frustrating even though others may find them minor in their impact. Another aspect of chemo brain is thinking, conversing, logically, coherently. I’m falling way short there.

An example of chemo brain: On the way home after running a couple more errands I received a phone call, which, turned out to be my oncologist. The phone call was to inform me I had been approved by Kaiser to continue on with the OHSU stem cell treatment. The process is interesting to my eye. My oncologist notices the chemo treatment is not 100%, so, writes up a referral and presents the proposal/referral to the tumor board. The tumor board is a meeting of all the Kaiser oncologists once al week or every other week, not sure. Cases are presented for feedback and suggestion, I imagine. My case was presented as a viable stem cell transplant. The tumor board approved this first step, to refer the case to OHSU and see if they are interested and if I’m a good candidate for success. I interviewed with the DO who will be my case physician. The DO thought I was a good candidate and said the next step was to get Kaiser’s approval(not the tumor board) before moving forward. Kaiser’s approval had to do with who pays. Kaiser said they would. I’m in the program and now awaiting the next schedule of tests, and meetings.

But wait, this was supposed to be about chemo brain thinking. Back on track. I had a question about timing as did Dameon and started in to ask my question and then lost my point, and the subject. The good news for me is I hung in there and finally remembered my question was about timing. When they take my healthy T-cells will I begin my approximately 30 days of close observation? My chemo brain kicked in around ‘approximately.’ I gasped and hee-hawed and made other exclamations of frustration. And, I persevered and was able to pull the missing piece of the question out of my chemo loaded brain and get some clarity, both for myself and Dameon who knows the 30 days of close observation may be highly dependent on him. Unless we can get him help. All things will be revealed as the process rolls along. Dameon had one very interesting question at the end. He wanted to know how clean would our house have to be to pass inspection(Dameon, I would imagine) for a very immunosuppressed individual(me after T-cell vacuuming) to live in said house. Three bachelor Engbloms, what the hell do you think it’s gonna look like, huh? Rough and ready, baby, rough and ready.

Thank you for reading and until next time peace be with you.

And not a single word or comment about money and how Covid intersects the conversation. For some other time.

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sat, 02 May 2020 02:32:00 +0000

April 29, 2020

Right now, I feel okay. The left side, the left arm of the ‘U,’ stills generates a presence, a large lump expressing itself. Pain discomfort is currently minimal. I like that.

May 1, 2020

Yesterday was scan day. An Echo cardiogram in the AM at a Salem clinic and a PET scan in the afternoon in Portland. They were scheduled on the same day on purpose. I guessed the Echo would take not more than an hour based on previous experience. I was in a little after 11 and back in the pickup by 11:30. The PET was scheduled for 2 PM. I arrived at 12:30, checked in, sat down ready to spend the next hour and a half with my nose in my phone, but a minute or 2 later a nurse came out and called my name. I was all done with the PET by 3, an hour earlier than originally planned. Dameon had scored food for us while waiting for me with a friend. Beans and rice with guac. I ate it all. I don’t always clean my plate nowadays. Oh yeah, a little detail. The PET required water only after 8 AM per the original appointment instructions. I’d only had one cup of black coffee prior to 8, but the nurse needed to check with someone to determine if a cup of coffee would affect the PET. I was an hour and half early, remember? A determination was made the coffee would not be an issue. Dameon bought the bowl at Whole Bowl(?) food truck. By writing the business name here I may be anchoring it in my brain for next time. Nectar is another business name to anchor in my brain for hunger reasons.

The 4/29 entry is so short because I was very good at being distracted by other ‘important’ things, like money (as a symbol) and stem cell treatment. Money? I realized at some point in my life the pursuit of wealth wasn’t a goal for me. I cannot name a moment in my life when I revalued the concept of money. I agree with those who say money is only a concept (you can’t eat a dollar bill as your only food source and live!!) and it has become so intertwined in our lives people would sacrifice other humans to gain wealth. To me, at this present time, money signifies an exchange between humans. It is naming the exchange and saying we all do this (the exchange) and boiling it down to its essence. And I’m slamming on the brakes with this monetary distraction as it is huge, abstract, and yet, my question remains how do we name the simplification money really isn’t? Every exchange is equal. No one is more equal than another. We are experiencing, right now, what it is like when the drive for money is depressurized. How do you describe no pressure for money if the need for money is not there, at all? I shall discuss this more as I have breached it now several blogs worth of time.

Stem cell treatment is on the horizon (future, hint, hint), I mean like a week from yesterday the actual tests they, OHSU, do the Kaiser oncologists haven’t already done will begin. Next Thursday will begin a number of trips to Portland. Heck, Dameon and I even did a rehearsal drive, so yesterday’s trip was pretty easy. I believe I even took a cat nap while riding along.

The idea of stem cell treatment seemed to come out of the blue. Perhaps the idea had been previously communicated, but if so, it went right by me. It hit me in the car after a chemo or infusion treatment session when the Kaiser Liaison Nurse Practioner called me and told me stem cell treatment had been recommended by my oncologist. He was under the impression I had been previously informed. He proceeded to scare the shit out of me and thank God the sphincter muscles were working during that conversation. The idea of only feeling pain from my bones scares me, bone deep pain. I do not seek that kind of pain in my life. And the thought I will experience that kind of pain for TWO weeks is scary. My fear stems from what I heard the NP describing to me and I believe his training says no tricks, straight talk, you are about to experience the following process which can be intense. I want the reader to be clear I am relating only my perception as to what I thought I was hearing. Fear can be distracting, ya know? There will be bone marrow tests, there will be a vacuuming of healthy stem cells from my bone marrow. Those cells will be frozen until needed later (oh, my god, how much later?!?). Then the next, up to two weeks, of a chemical wash of all the remaining bone marrow, 'cause that is the kind of chemicals they use at this stage, says me mucho sarcastically. Doctor, doctor, I got no bone marrow. What am I gonna do?

Kind of stopped me for a moment searching for the appropriate transitional word or phrase and decided this one works fine.

Remember the frozen stem cells? They get warmed back up and are infused back into my body. Then begins the thirty days of waiting. Ideally, they, OHSU, want me within one hour’s drive from them if my fever spikes. A week ago, Tuesday, I had a scheduled conversation with an actual OHSU doc. The doctor went over the procedure again with the timelines being shorter the only real difference than what I had first heard. Less than 2 weeks in the hospital and not that long a wait for the replacement cells to do their thing. I asked what are the odds the transplant takes. 50/50 is what the doctor said. The process I go through and the fact they want to proceed indicates to them and me, I am a candidate who will succeed. Upfront the doctor said their stats look good because they carefully choose people who present as able to come out the other end of the transplant process successfully. The other end of this process is very intriguing. All the ‘bad’ cells have been removed and replaced with healthy, ‘good,’ cells. In some respects, I will be rebuilt on the inside. The other side looks very intriguing, indeed.

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 21:27:00 +0000

April 26, 2020

Discomfort has been primarily located on my left side. Remember my description from a week or so ago where I described the area of my discomfort was a U. The bottom of the U being my abdominal wall and the two upward arms more or less defined by the rib cage.

April 27, 2020

Just spent one of the most uncomfortable nights ever. Back spasms that would not quit. Beginning at the base of the spine the spasms would radiate up and out. Once during the night it was like a headache from hell. Spasms at the top of the spine and into the brain stem was a cause for concern, but, thank God, it was only a temporary sensation. Around daylight I noticed the spasms seemed to be lessening and I was able to reax enough to sleep. I have dealt with lower back spasms throughout my adult life and have found ways to relax those muscles and sleep. Last night those techniques were useless. The spasms were on the pulse, meaning each heartbeat was a spasm. There was no relaxing the muscles in question. The spasming was so great it seemed to me the only choice was to change my position in bed. Movement seemed to alleviate the discomfort, but as soon as I settled into a new position and started to relax the spasms would start anew. In fact, once during the night, I got up to pee and as I was standing over the urinal, I experienced a spasm starting at the base of the spine and radiating out to/through the hip bones. Peeing and spasming were two separate functions at the time. Peeing was not affected by spasming and spasming was not affected by peeing.

As I sit here and relate last night’s experience, I am feeling the spasm when I stop moving around. Move and there is slight relief and be still for a few seconds and we get a mild, still annoying, spasm. Dameon and Sara, his Nurse Practioner specializing in palliative care, girlfriend, both wonder if I am drinking enough fluids, H2O. I thought I was but wasn’t monitoring yesterday’s intake very closely. Two to three quarts of water per day are what I’m reading in the various drug information sheets I am currently ingesting or infusing. Acetaminophen is recommended by the drug information and Sara.

Speaking of drug information, I need to print out information about a couple drugs I take everyday and reorder a couple for next week’s AM/PM distribution in my weekly pill box.

Until my next entry thanks for reading.

April 19 to April 24, 2020 Still thinking' 'bout Lymphoma and more

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Fri, 24 Apr 2020 22:20:00 +0000

April 19, 2020

I'm back after what seems like eons of total exaggerated internal wars regarding will or won't I sit and write, self-blocking issues. Many bird walks in my mind, b'sing with the neighbor, which gets me to today's experience, so far, 'cuz during the b'sing as I was attempting to describe how my body was reacting to Levofloxin. I couldn't think of a descriptive word to describe how I was feeling. I did a little wavy dance to illustrate my condition. And my neighbor said, "Rubbery." Bingo, on the mark.

April 21, 2020

Although I really appreciated my neighbor's acumen my brain kept on looking for an additional descriptor and just before bed last night my brain suggested ‘wobbly,’ which fits well with ‘rubbery.’ Together they describe my state of muscle control rather well. I don’t like it. Definitely having a control issue(s), meaning who’s in control me or the drug? Me says me. The drug seems to be prevailing. Rats!! Getting up, walking somewhere, have their challenges now. “Oh, we’re going over here now?” The middle of the road to the side in 3 rubbery, wobbly, steps. We be staggering now. And so, go the walks I’ve taken, unless it’s a walk down to the river with Lizzie, then its mini steps down the 10% gradient road and twice (do I hear 3 times) as many to get back up the road. I rest after these efforts.

April 23, 2020

I had written a whole different paragraph previously but then, I did some grandly unconscious maneuver causing the whole document to disappear into the ether. I was also experimenting with a new word processor, MS Word, at the time, and was still learning the state of word processors today versus yesterday when I made the doc disappear.

Ringmaster/announcer

“And, Ladies and Gentlemen what has the gentleman participant won?”

(a pause while the ringmaster pulls the prize from the magic hat.)

Ringmaster/announcer

“Ladies and gentlemen our most recent player has won another pain in the ass search of his hard drive for a missing document! Congratulations to you, sir.”

(The prize is passed to the Gentlemen/Participant)

Ringmaster/announcer

From the bottom of my heart sir, I most sincerely believe, and, our viewers too, are behind you all the way, I wish only the best outcome for you and your missing document.

Gentlemen/Participant

Oh, thank you so much. I’m feeling appreciated and oh so much better. Wow a ‘get a second chance’ prize. Thank you, thank you, you’re too kind. I even have permission to not even try to remember what the initial paragraph content was. How thoughtful.

And here I am creating a something now which, has nothing to do with the purported initial start at today’s entry. Purported? You have not seen the first entry attempt and won’t be.

OK, so let’s talk about lymphoma. Today is Thursday. I had Cycle 2, Day 8, treatment Tuesday. It was a real wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. And off to Portland to meet with an OHSU Oncology STEM cell doctor. The OHSU program are the Kaiser provider/contractor for STEM cell services. We drove straight to the Kaiser Interstate South building where I thought I would be meeting with the doctor face to face. Check in provided the coup de grace across the chops. It’s a phone interview. I use the calendar Kaiser to sync with my calendars. A detail specifying it was a phone interview was left out of the Kaiser web calendar. Got back in the car and headed home. Dameon is doing all the driving this day. On the way home I remember having a hankering for a nice steak. I called ahead to the Markum Inn and ordered two steak dinners. Markum Inn only had one 8-ounce sirloin left. I said we’d take the one and call it two when I cut off what I think I could consume at home. Really hit the spot, a great cut cooked to my liking and just melted in my mouth. Real mashed potatoes, au jus and fresh greens salad with homemade dressing. Back at the beginning of this day’s events I mentioned the speed at which I proceeded thru my infusion. The day started rough. I threw up, or rather, experienced the dry eh3eaves. The dry heaves is how I started the day. The foregoing experience was my first throwing up other than forcing a cup of strong black coffee down my gullet one morning. Anyway, the day started with a challenge. I was real late getting ready (slow moving) for my infusion appointment. I was, in fact, late arriving for my pre-assigned time. I had prevaricated taking my Levofloxin this morning and ended up not taking it and another OTC they would like me to take before infusion. When I mentioned I had not taken my Levofloxin my Oncology RN suggested take it this evening. The RN’s suggestion fit with my thinking as to when I would prefer to take Levofloxin. I have shared previously how I dislike the side effects of the drug. To mitigate awake time side effects, I wondered to myself if taking the drug in the evening instead of the morning would make al difference.

April 24,2020

Subjectively speaking, switching to evening ingesting of the Levofloxin does seem to have mitigated the unwanted side effects. I still experience rubbery, wobbliness, but not to the degree experienced earlier. Neuropathy in the fingertips comes and goes. Some days the thumb, index finger and middle finger are all equally tingly. Another day, only the 3 digits on the right hand were tingly. The left felt quite normal. Do I even know what normal is these days? Another day, both hands are tingly at the thumbs, only. My Oncology doctor has suggested I use a vitamin E derivative, Alpha Lipoic Acid, to help combat the neuropathy. The OTC prescription was to take 600 mgs 3 times per day. I had previously set up my Lymphoma medication with one of the AM and PM pill organizers. Setting up a third time to take a pill in my head seemed a stretch for my cancer brain. Having worked with the twice a day for a few weeks I think I need to add the third pill. I’m thinking the extra 600mgs will produce, hopefully, consistent improvement in the fingertips. I have even figured out when I will take it. Just before bed.

My overall sense of self is a general feeling of lassitude, especially in the mornings. Sleep has improved. No mid-sleep urinary relief efforts required the last few nights. I stay in bed in the mornings either to sleep more or just lay there in my blanket womb. Eventually even the deep, abiding comfort of the blanket womb cannot overcome the ache of laying on the same body part for way too long. I must get up. I move myself to my second home, my recliner. Then begins, what seems like a long process, especially the last few days, of my body waking up and a full state of consciousness is achieved. Usually requires at least an hour of reding the news, drinking water, taking the morning meds and drinking a cup of coffee. Sometimes it has been a 2-hour process. Mentioned earlier this week and recorded above, Tuesday was a challenge, not only was I dealing with morning nausea for the first time, I had to get dressed for medical appointments and I was being real passive aggressive with myself. Move ever so slowly, only think about various activities half-way, and forget to do some activities because they have expectations attached. The lassitude can carry over to the next day. My cycling experience has led me to plan for a recovery day after hard exertions. Tuesday was a hard exertion so Wednesday became a rest day. The recliner was full of me most of the day. I don’t believe I went for a walk outside. Thursday, I walked to the mailbox, down to the river and back, and down the lane to see if a for sale sign has popped up at recently vacated home. Today, after a more normal wake-up (only an hour required) Lizzie and I walked to the mailbox, then with Dameon in the truck to the post office and home. And here I am finishing this blog entry started several days ago and folded into one longish entry. Successive blog entries may be shorter and more timely (we’ll see).

FEELIN' OKAY SO NOT THINKIN' ABOUT LYMPHOMA MUCH (REALLY)

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 08:03:00 +0000

Friday, April 17, 2020

I'm pushing myself to write in my blog more frequently. Part of my writing splurge is the desire to share my Lymphoma experience and the recent spate of entries may have been fueled by steroids. One of the reasons I chose to move my experience is to share more freely the specific drugs I may be taking, reacting to the drugs, as well as my general state of being. Another reason is I don't trust Facebook to stop selling my/our info to my/our enemies and thieves.

Those of you who may have linked to my blog earlier may notice I have pulled a couple postings about impermanence. They need some work.

7:30 PM

Finishing up today's post as to how the day has gone so far. Waking up, more specifically getting out of bed, I felt a slight tug in the left stomach area, which led me to believe I have an exact location of where the B cell is hiding out. My left side and near the lower end of the rib-resection surgery where it is still numb to the touch. There was resistance to taking a deep breath, but I laid in bed taking slow deep breaths to break through the resistance and I did. The resistance was very mild, minimal. Since then breathing hasn't been an issue. Sleep quality was questionable. The dexamethasone, steroid, really effects sleep start. Last night I went to bed around midnight, but it may have been another 2 hours, or more, before I actually attempted sleep. Groggy this morning, but I took my steroids relatively early(11 AM, which is probably not early to some folks), which requires something in the stomach, so a half bagel preceded the ingestion of my steroids. Slowly, but surely, the steroids kicked in. A second drug I am concerned about is levofloxacin. Some of the side effects are tendon pain, nerve problems, peripheral neuropathy (I have mild tingling in my thumb tip, in my index finger tip, and mild tingling in my middle finger tip) sleep issues, and definite muscle instability not preventing walking, but a definitely mild unstableness. The muscle instability not comfortable to experience, psychologically. I did take a walk with Lizzie down to the river. Went slow down the hill and even slower going back up the hill. I haven't done much exercise since then due to my sense of instability. Yesterday, Dameon and I walked to the mail box and then back past my home into the forest at the end of the lane almost to its end, then back home. Approximately a mile round trip. Most walking or any exercise I have done in a while. Perhaps today was my body telling me I needed a rest day. I have wound the cranky meter up a few times. Most of the crankiness was cursing under my breath. I take the Levofloxacin every day in the morning. I took my last dexamethasone dosage, 40 mg/dose(8-5 mg pills per dosage), this morning. Sleep aid and sleepy time tea with Ganja butter to combat the sleep issues. No real pain issues throughout the day.

Next chemo session is this coming Tuesday, 4/10, Day 8, in Cycle 2, and no steroids before and after, yay. Two days later, 4/10, I inject myself with Zarxio to combat neutropenia, low white blood cell count. Neutropenia has not been much of an issue for me throughout treatment. During the chemo cycles white blood cell production predictively decreases around day 10 of the 21 day treatment cycle, so the Zarxio is injected, by me, to promote white blood cell growth in order to fight off infection.

Until next time, PEACE OUT.

Not Thinkin' 'Bout Lymphoma (much)

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Thu, 16 Apr 2020 06:49:00 +0000

Not Thinkin’ ‘Bout Lymphoma (much)

I have been remiss in my declaration I would be writing about my daily encounters living with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. Several factors contributed to this lack of communication. I made the declaration in the light of several functions I had to complete each day. One, is I was losing track of whether I had done my daily bowel movement and/or whether I had consumed my medications. My thinking at the time was it would help me keep track.

After my last post I then went off to Kaiser Sunnyside for my third cycle of chemo. The third cycle flowed nicely and I had all this wonderful hospital staff available to fulfill my desires. It wasn’t necessary for me to track medications or bm’s. The 3rd week flowed nicely. I was out of the hospital around 4 on Friday and home by 8. We stopped for dinner in Portland. The next morning I awoke in great discomfort. Left side painful and taking a full deep breath was restricted. This discomfort lasted until the following Saturday when I awakened and could take deep breaths with no feeling of restriction.

The chemo cycle is measured in 3 week long cycles. So, if I started chemo on the first day of the month, then I received chemo for five days, 24/7, and went home on the fifth of the month. I would return 3 weeks later, in this hypothetical that would be the 22nd of the month, the first day of the cycle is always the first day of chemo, so the 22nd is 3 weeks later. My point in explaining the cycle is to elucidate how I fared after chemo. The cycle is divided into 3, week one, chemo, week two, suffering, and week 3 feeling OK.

I am writing this during week four(four! You said chemo was in three week cycles). I was awakened last Friday(end of week three) by a call from my oncology Nurse Practitioner who explained my CT scan from a few days before revealed my thoracic cavity was in good shape, but there appeared to be no indication tumors in the abdominal area, below the abdominal wall were being effected by the chemo. The NP indicated it was a pretty large mass and I thought ‘where did that come from.’ My Oncologist wanted a PET scan which will illuminate dead cells from live ones. Live cells will show as hot and dead as cold. I had the PET scan Monday. Wednesday the NP and I talked about what it all means. Essentially my treatment is being changed to one day a week and only a few hours at a time. The exception being this coming Monday, which is my first day of treatment in the new cycle. Monday I should expect to be there for 8 hours. The new cycle will introduce two new drugs to my system and one I have been taking since day one. Three drugs instead of four. Oh yes and I get a new steroid, dexamethasone, which is supposed to be even more potent than the prednisone I was given at Sunnyside. And if you are keeping score then it is four drugs instead of five.

So, there you have it. What’s happened to me and what I/we can expect in the future. I will keep you informed.

Cycle 1, Day 1, March 23, days 2 and on much like the first week home after the Sunnyside sessions. Lots of discomfort. Memory says it actually increased March 30, Day 8, Cycle1, to the worst I have experienced, on the 1 to 10 pain scale. I’m talking 9-10 one overnight in my left shoulder. No, there isn’t cancer in my shoulder area. Day 9 my discomfort formed a ‘U’ shape with my abdominal wall forming the bottom and the ribs defining the arms of the ‘U’. The days 2 through 5 were uncomfortable with breathing being effected. Deep breaths were resisted. Then the discomfort backed off to be primarily the left side from the belly button to the collarbone. Day 8, Cycle , then followed the most painful days, 9-13, Day 12 being the overnight experience of rolling onto my left shoulder and feeling the white hot expression “Get the fuck off me, NOW!!!” I did. The right side felt fine. Day 14 I awoke to a lump feeling in the area of the stomach B cell but below 5 on the pain scale at its worst. And the discomfort receded the last few days to April 14, Cycle 2, Day 1. Another 8 hour day. All 3 drugs were administered with no reaction on my part other than peeing a lot due to a whole lot of saline before, during and after each drug. Today I feel a lump in my B cell location and that is all. Thus why I am writing this today. I feel like it.

There may be another reason I feel ok today. After yesterday's treatment, 4/14, on the way home I received a phone call from a Nurse Practioner with Kaiser and is the STEM cell liaison between Kaiser and OHSU who is the contractor for all Kaiser STEM cell therapy. "Wow", methinks to self, "STEM cell therapy I'm intrigued." STEM cell therapy is the next step if the current chemo regimen does not eliminate the B cell mass on the stomach. Dameon is driving so I can devote all my attention to the NP's spiel.

I'm so glad Dameon is driving. The STEM cell will start within the same 3 week recovery period after Cycle 3, Day 21 or on Day 21. A bone biopsy happens first to determine STEM cell viability(my description). If that looks good then they do the separation of the good STEM cells and freeze them. Then a 2 week hospital stay at OHSU while they pour on the vicious drugs, I could experience bone pain during this part of the procedure. After two weeks of what sounds to me like first class torture, bone pain scares me for some reason, I then am on a 30 day watch at a home within one hours drive of OHSU. Google says I am one hour and ten minutes from Sunnyside. I would guess OHSU would be less maybe closer to an hour. The kicker, I need a driver available 24/7 if I have a reaction, fever being the most important indicator of a reaction requiring a STEM cell doctor's assessment and treatment. The driver doesn't have to be the same person 24/7, just a licensed driver. I am putting this out there now as I still have Cycle 2, Day 8, April 21, the short day 90-120 minutes. Then 2 weeks off to recover then Cycle 3, Day 1, May 5, followed by Cycle 3, Day 8, May 12, followed by 2 weeks of recovery ending May 20. Scheduled treatment days amount to 6 weeks April 15 to May 20. Add 4 to 6 weeks for STEM cell therapy and I could be enduring this disease until somewhere around the end of June. If the STEM cell therapy works then the last step is to infuse the frozen absolutely healthy cells back into the body making me cancer free, which, I admit, is a rather enticing outcome after possibly going through hell.

So, how do I tie today's minor discomfort with yesterday's phone call from the STEM cell NP? I am taking it as motivation to the body to keep on getting rid of that B cell lymphoma. Today being comfortable means, to me, the B cell is being eliminated. I recommend Love Is Letting Go of Fear by Jampolsky. Thin book written by a pediatric oncology psychiatrist. It helps me shape my attitude toward the Lymphoma. I purchased it a long time ago, 40 years, so maybe its not in print anymore. Precious book. Hopefully my copy is packed away with my other print books. it would be a good meditation source.

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sun, 29 Mar 2020 07:05:00 +0000

CAN’T SLEEP, THINKIN’ ‘BOUT LYMPHOMA

written March 29, and posted to Face Book.

I started my new chemo regimen Monday, March 23. The only issue for me was forgetting to pick up a prescription the week before when at an Oncology appointment. May have delayed my start about 30 minutes. Monday was supposed to be a long day and it was, 8:15 start. I left around 4. No reactions to the biological as I had been tolerating it quite well when at Kaiser Sunnyside. A second drug was administered on Monday also. I had been cautioned the 2nd drug could be a problem, but it wasn’t. A good start to a new regimen.

I get to take a different steroid with this new regimen. It’s function is fight nausea, stimulate appetite, and provide energy stimulus. Nausea has not been a problem. There have been times when food wasn’t interesting to me although my stomach was rumbling, so it forced me to do something, i.e. eat. What has been really interesting is the stimulus aspect to this steroid. I have a tendency to be a night-owl and thought nothing of staying up to midnight Monday. Slept in Tuesday morning, 10 AM. Took a couple walks with Lizzie. Tuesday was another late night, midnight bedtime and this doesn’t count how late I may have stayed awake reading in bed. Wednesday I was up before 10. Lizzie and I took some more walks. Wednesday eve Dameon and I played some 2 player Pinochle and listened to music until one of us won. Then we binged some television, which got us up to midnight once again. I elected to go to bed. Once in my bedroom I reached the decision to go looking for something in a bedside stand top drawer. I cannot specifically remember what I was looking for, but found some other very interesting items to occupy my attention later on. I put back the things I wanted to keep in the drawer and left the items of interest out. I looked at my iPhone for the time, 3 AM. My how time flies when you’re focused. Thursday morning I was up by 11 AM. The catch 22, if you will, is the later I sleep in the later I ingest the steroid. I was advised to ingest the steroid early in the morning, like 7. The effectiveness of the drug is rather long lasting. And I’m a little suspect afternoon caffeine may also have been a contributor.

I am reminded of my college days when bennies and black beauties were one’s answer to procrastination regarding papers and end of term finals’ studying. At some point I would notice the tightly clenched jaw, stinky sweat and a who needs food attitude. I contrast those thoughts and feelings with today’s situation. I am not working under a deadline, so no stress there. Today I finished my Lymphoma binder. The steroid worked well to get me through to the end of the binder project. I actually started the binder yesterday and was indoors almost all day. I got fresh air standing on the front porch after letting Lizzie in and out. Today wasn’t much different exercise wise. Indoors most of the day. No stinky sweat because no stinkin’ stress. But I did eat small meals all day long. I have also been drinking lots of fluids as one of the chemo drugs is real hard on the kidneys. One of those fluids was a coffee concoction Dameon whipped up I kept forgetting to drink, so I’m thinkin’ it may have had some influence on my current state of awakefullness.

Thursday was the last day to take the steroid so I’m hoping I can get myself back to a normal sleep pattern. One nice thing regarding the steroid use is I also take an antipsychotic medication, small dose, which does a nice job of taking the edge off.
NO ‘ROID RAGE FOR YOU, SUCKHA!!!

It's Raining

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sun, 30 Aug 2015 03:53:00 +0000

It's raining where I live. I mean a steady rain, a soaker. Prior to the present rain, this morning, the rain had been sporadic and light, meaning enough moisture on the plants you can notice, see, measure, the wetness, but underneath the fir needles on the ground I could see dry dirt. Oh, and prior to this morning the last measurable rain was back in March, I believe.

I have instituted two daily walks with Lizzie down to the Little North Fork river, which borders my property. I listen to the river. I turn and look up the river. I anticipate what will come. I do not know what will come. I live in anticipation of what will come. I rejoice knowing the future will flow to me at its own rate or, perhaps, at a rate I can handle. Then I look down river. I see my past flowing away from me. I can say goodbye and rejoice knowing I lived in that past.

Yesterday the river was quite low. I must admit I have no strong observational reference point, because I have only lived here just over 2 years. I know my neighbors across the river have lived here over 40 years.

I will remember, in the future to come, how much of the hard rock(granite?) river bed was exposed during the drought of 2015.

This evening Lizzie and I took our second stroll of the day down to the river. As I left the house it had just started to rain and I could tell it wasn't going to let up(a native's intuition?). I grabbed a rain coat from the truck and slipped it on. By the time I reached the second, or middle, tier of my property the rain was coming down hard enough I zipped up the rain jacket and pulled the hood more snugly over my head. I continued on down to the river.

I looked up stream. I saw the river bed had a layer of water over what had been exposed this morning. Now there was a layer of debris on a long upstream pool. The river was flowing so slowly it seemed the debris wasn't moving at all, as if it were a lake not a stream. The debris was a result of high wind conditions.

The rain intensified and I felt I needed to get inside as I had on sweatpants. I could feel those sweatpants soaking up the rain. As I was leaving I remembered I hadn't stopped to listen to the river talk. I turned back toward the river and listened for only a moment. I realized I could not hear the river talk. The rain was drowning the ripples out.

I looked down stream and saw the bigger rocks and knew when the fall rains come the river will talk there.

I turned and walked quickly up the two inclines I must traverse to get back to my house. The rain was really coming down, the soaking rain I mentioned previously.

And then I remembered doing something similar with Marcia her first year at seminary. California had been suffering with a long drought when we arrived. It seems to me we arrived in August, so it was another two plus months before the first soaker rain came.

I came home from work. Marcia had finished her classes. I cannot recall what the boys were doing, but they were not a factor in our evening's plan. We decided to go out to eat. We walked from our seminary apartment down to Shattuck Avenue where there was quite a choice. We chose Thai. It may have been my first Thai meal. I've led a sheltered life.

When we left the restaurant it started to rain. It was a soaker rain. And we didn't care. We had brought rain coats, a hat for me, Marcia had an umbrella, so we were prepared. We walked back up the hill toward our apartment in the rain.

We came up to another apartment building the seminary owned and wondered whether our friends from Reno, Nevada were home and receiving visitors. We knocked and the husband opened the door, took one look at us, and immediately invited us in. "You are soaked. Why are you out in this downpour?" We both smiled. "It's just rain," we said.

Once again I am out in a soaker rain at what might be the end of a drought for Oregon. The rains will come and the Oregon country side will be green again. I say 'green again' because the drought has caused many deciduous trees to turn color and drop their leaves. Most lawns and meadows are brown. It has been more of a California fall and chronologically fall ain't here yet.

I recall having negative thoughts about rain growing up. You couldn't go outside and play. Rain probably has a more negative impact on the young than the old, but for different reasons. As an adult one usually has to go out in the rain as opposed to not being able to go out. Now I appreciate and look forward to the rain.

Lizzie in the mean time had taken off as fast as she could go to my neighbor's house. My neighbor is Lizzie's bestie and they hadn't seen each other for over a week as the bestie had been in Alaska. I wasn't aware she had returned home until I followed Lizzie's sprint and saw her car. I left Lizzie to say hello and elected to go home and put on dry sweats. Lizzie's bestie gets to dry off a soaked dog.

Situational Value & Situational Ethics

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sat, 29 Aug 2015 22:43:00 +0000

When I first returned to my beloved state of Oregon I was invited by a dear friend to attend a bi-weekly dinner gathering consisting of my friend's work colleagues. I was welcomed into the group even though over time as various colleagues who were not present at my first dinner would look at me and their facial expressions would lead me to think they were wondering who the hell am I? Since then I have been a reasonably consistent attendee at the dinners and feel reasonably well accepted.

The last dinner brought up an interesting concept I would like to present and discuss as best I can. It is a philosophical issue and a life issue. The conversation during the most recent dinner led to one attendee(prognosticator) bringing up a comment made at a previous dinner the stock market was due to make a nose dive. At the time of the present dinner the market had dropped around 800 points, give or take. Kudos were offered to the prognosticator in an email. The prognosticator replied, "You see, the biggest problem with the markets is what they are based on. There is no earthly reason why they are as high as they are. There's no value to support it other than masked inflation." I responded to the message agreeing with the prognosticator's point of view and dropping the term 'situational value' into the conversation. I am not aware of any following comments or questions to the email comment I made. Although I did state I would be blogging about the concept of 'situational value.'

Thinking about the term 'situational value' led me to consider what I know about situational ethics. I was first introduced to the idea of situational ethics while Marcia was in seminary doing her chaplaincy internship at Stanford Hospital.

Can we really talk about situational ethics without first laying the foundation, what is ethics?

Following are some precepts, rules, I am going to attempt to follow in the subsequent presentation regarding ethics and situational ethics. I will attempt transparency, to be clear, at all times. Clarity/transparency is owning a personal bias, for instance, or indicating just how ignorant I really am(and I know it?!). Yes, I feel I am wading into uncharted waters and the water is up to the bottom of my feet. Here goes.

Ethics is, to my way of thinking, the development of a moral code for a body of people, a community, a country, a culture. I think the Ten Commandments is an excellent example of a moral code. The purpose of the moral code is to facilitate people living together including all it may entail, such as, intangibles, right versus wrong and, the great mystery.

The moral code then affects our behavior. Thou Shalt Not Kill so we don't, mostly, but those times we do there are consequences for violating the moral code. And begins, a great body of knowledge.

Every document is a reflection of the culture from which it came and the culture's moral code. And the culture's people behave accordingly, which is their understanding of the "code."

And now it becomes situational. Thou Shalt Not Kill above indicates the situation. Our culture's consequence for murder is death. Wait, that's killing and the commandment says don't. Well, it's OK if everybody says it's OK. And we do. The combat soldier facing the choice of imminent death or kill his enemy is another example. And that's situational ethics in a nutshell.

Now we have a rudimentary, crude, understanding of situational. How does situational apply to value? To answer the question I believe it necessary for me to apply my understanding of value. My thinking is shaped by Robert Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. A great teaching story.

Imagine I am walking across my floor and I step on to something. I stop, because it hurts and I want to remove it. I bend down and pick up a piece of Lizzie's kibble. What is the value of Lizzie's kibble? Apparently a lot, as I was willing to stop and check it out. So what we invest is our time and effort, work, and is a measurement of value. Money is a measurement of our time and effort. The following might be an example(the book is not available to me right now) Pirsig used to illustrate value. He visited a friend's place many times and noticed, right away, a leaky faucet. It was always leaking when he visited. I cannot recall if someone complained about the drip drip or not. He certainly noticed. The dripping faucet has at least two differing values. The homeowner does not ascribe a whole lot of value to the dripping and can live with it. Pirsig sees it as a small effort fix. No more water waste and no more annoying drip drip. Does one perception have an intrinsic higher value? It would seem to rest on one's perception. The homeowner seems to be able to live with the drip drip. Pirsig, if I recall correctly(and probably don't), can live with it while there, knowing he doesn't have to live with it on a permanent basis. Pirsig's underlying value, it's a simple fix, regarding the drip drip doesn't change but his value while at his friend's house does shift to a 'I can live with it value.' Situational. In the same regard I am walking across my living room floor after the above incident and feel a piece of kibble. I ignore it and go get the vacuum and vacuum the rug. My reaction to stepping on the kibble a second time is situational.

August 27, 2015

The idea of taking on a subject, situational value, especially as it might relate to economics intimidates me. I have let it simmer on the back burner for three days. I am not anymore confident I can present my thoughts about the subject than three days ago. I do not pretend to be an economist, nor have I had any predilection to explore the subject in the past. Yet here I go.

August 29, 2015

Two more days have passed and instead of writing about situational value I have chosen to spend time rewriting a 10 minute play and going on a hike to a grove of old growth Doug Firs and competing in my first cyclocross race of the season and attending the 50th reunion of my high school class. Pretty good avoidance behavior, don't you think?

The whole idea of the stock market is situational. And the value today versus the value tomorrow can be manipulated. Ethically speaking I don't think value should be manipulated. My moral code finds the idea of monetary value being subject to manipulation repellant. The stock market's value is tracked on a daily basis. Every news source provides information on the stock markets current value. The measure of how one might feel on any given day can be reflected in the current value of the stock market.

And we wonder about people with a Bipolar diagnosis, yet don't think twice about how the current status of the stock market affects our daily perceptions and pursuit of life. The stock market goes up, we feel ebullient. The stock market goes down, we feel depressed.

One might proffer how we feel is a choice we make, yet our perceptions, values, experiences, are influenced by the culture in which we grew up. We value Christian influences greatly as witnessed by our reaction to Christmas time, no matter what we profess as our faith or not. I have grown up in a Judeo Christian culture. The Ten Commandments in my culture have a phenomenal influence on our perceptions, our way of life, whether or not we see ourselves as Jewish or Christian or Muslim or Buddhist or any of our world's other faiths.

One thing I want to make clear is I am not offering up one religion being better than another. As stated above one's choice of religion is as much a matter of where one was born and who their parents were than any superiority of one religion over all others.

If I have presented my thinking cogently then it should be clear if I have any biases.

Returning to situational value as it relates to the stock market then the influences on the markets current value are wide and fluctuating. I think of the movie Trading Places as an excellent example of a story where the market is manipulated. What drives the two opposing forces in the movie? A caveat, I haven't seen the movie in several years. The two brothers seem to be driven by greed. The characters Akeroyd and Murphy play, by revenge. The comeuppance for the bad guys, the rich brothers, is a Hollywood ending. The bad guys lose and the good guys win. Both sides manipulate the market to their own desired ends. The results justify the means in this movie. Situational values and situational ethics on display in a grand Hollywood story.

One point I believe I am making is situational ethics and situational value travel hand in hand. It is hard to separate the two in our lives. I certainly do not believe I have created any new insights to how the stock market works other than its fluidity and fluctuation is due to many, many, influences and manipulation. I believe it is hard to separate influence from manipulation or vice a versa. Our society will consequent manipulation of the stock market if it can be proven. To my perspective, easier said than done.

One last point relates to my stating I find the manipulation of the stock market's value as repellant. Repellant is a personal value. I justify its use as it seems to me any one entity manipulating such a behemoth as the stock market has evil intention, another personal value. Does anyone have the right to manipulate all of us? I understand the opportunity to do so is available to anyone desiring to manipulate all of us, but it is not a right as defined in our constitution. It is simply a choice one can make. How the rest of us react to the choice is based on our personal ethics. How our culture, our society, reacts is also based on our collective ethics and values. Evil intent is not something we as a culture proscribe to. And yet, how we think about any issue can be manipulated so evil intent may be presented as good for the culture.

Thank you for reading.

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sat, 22 Aug 2015 16:43:00 +0000

Soulmate

A friend wrote me an email in response to my last two blog entries. He was particularly taken by my comments regarding my relationship with Marcia. His wife passed away a few years prior to Marcia's passing. He had spent 40 years with the same woman. He addressed her as his soulmate.

I never addressed Marcia as my soulmate. Why not, you might wonder? Before Marcia I had been in several relationships and during one of those relationships the term soulmate had been bandied around by both parties. Eventually I broke off the relationship. You broke off the relationship with your soulmate? Yes I did and then had questions in my mind regarding what constitutes a soulmate? If I was in a relationship with my soulmate then why would I want to end the relationship?

The obvious answer to the last question is you were not really soulmates. But why would one refer to their mate as their soulmate if there is a chance one is wrong? I believe the answer lies in what constitutes a soulmate.

A soulmate, in my humble opinion, is someone whom you love deeply. Life is more complete. One feels whole, feels completed by the mate. The first syllable of the term implies a deeper connection, a vibrant connection of two souls.

My ability to feel a 'vibrant connection' was stunted due to my own hangups about what love really is. One cannot casually bandy around the term soulmate with whomever they are having a relationship. I had enough sense to realize casual use of a term undermines its true meaning, thus why I did not drop the term into conversations with Marcia. And Marcia never dropped soulmate into our conversations.

The other reality for me is I never comprehended the true meaning of 'soulmate' unless one cites the above mentioned 'humble opinion.' The above stated opinion may be more due to life experience and how life's experiences can whup you up side the head until the lesson the universe, or God, wants us to learn finally takes. My head is a veritable pile of lumps from all the lessons I needed to learn. And I'm still being 'whupped up side the head.' Dang, life never seems to stop teaching.

Coming back, full circle, to my friend's comments, I speculate why his departed beloved was his soulmate. He entered into a monogamous 40 year relationship. There were no other relationships to bandy around the term soulmate. All healthy relationships grow, mature, roll with the changes life presents(resilience) and provide fertile ground to grow and mature. Roots are established. New growth is created every springtime of our lives. And when the winter of our lives approaches the fertile ground is prepared and we can deal with the changes.

We may not anticipate the final separation from our loved one, but I firmly believe the relationship work accomplished prepares us for the future.

Addiction is for Everybody

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Thu, 20 Aug 2015 19:53:00 +0000

How would you react to learning someone you know has an addiction? What would you do? How would you do what you think needs to be done?

I became aware several years ago my youngest son is addicted to meth-amphetamine. How did I become aware? First, noticing the weight loss. Second, his speech patterns and the thinking errors demonstrated by him when he talked. Third, his emotional responses to his perception of stressful situations. Fourth, his behavior patterns. The four reasons are not prioritized. They are just four reasons in no particular order. And then I put it all together to come to an irrefutable conclusion he was addicted.

Knowing your son was addicted and doing something about it was a much longer time frame. First and all requests suggesting treatment to him got the emotional/cognitive juices flowing and the thinking errors flowed. Absolutely not.

My studies in my master's program and my professional life as a Child and Youth Care counselor provided me with addictive behavior patterns, thinking errors and emotional responses.

The hardest aspect of dealing with an addict is waiting for them to hit 'bottom.' 'Bottom,' for those who are not familiar with the term is the point in the addict's life when they realize they absolutely do not want to live the rest of their life as an addict. It is a crucial time point in the addict's life. The person realizes their quality of life as it is being experienced is horrible, yucky, stinky, and generally all around bad. The X factor in predicting one's hitting 'bottom' is it is different for each individual addict. We all have a 'bottom.' As an example imagine someone smoking some pot then walking into a grocery store and suffers an anxiety attack, which leads them to swear off all drugs forevermore. The other end of the 'bottom' spectrum is death.

I recently asked my youngest son to move out and not come back. He, of course, counted this as rejection of him the person rather than the addict. The addict is not the person. We, who have personally experienced addiction, all can attest to the change we witness as the addict succumbs more and more to the addictive lifestyle. My personal experience with former addicts is they can overcome their disease and recreate their lives more positively. Oh yes, I must mention there are false 'bottoms, too. The addict says, "oh yuck, I hate my life" and they seek treatment, but it doesn't take, and x amount of time later they are using again. I pray, and look forward to my youngest son hitting his bottom and seeking help, but I hold fast to the reality his bottom may not be life affirming. He could die.

Having my son around for a few months gave me the chance to observe him and the way he lived his life. One thing looming large in his lifestyle was how chaotic his bedroom was. It was a physical manifestation of his internal organization. Really it was a mess. The worst example of an adolescent's bedroom. My son is 36. His older brother and I cleaned out the bedroom. We learned more as we cleaned, finding court documents and arrest records. His arrest record was for very minor offenses, but there was a court record regarding possession of a packet of methamphetamine. The arresting officer did not show for court so the charges were dropped. I hope this court experience does not lead him to think he can continue to get away with criminal activity in the future, but criminal thinking errors are insidious

Addiction, though, can present a very different face than my son's addictive lifestyle. Recently, while cleaning out my youngest son's bedroom, I came across a packet of a prescription drug. Somehow holding the packet in my hand brought to mind the behavior of another friend. Since my first encounter with my friend I had always been in awe and at the same time suspicious of their ability to go to bed late and get up early. All the behavior patterns I noted above with my son came to mind as I stood there holding the packet. And there were significant deviations from those patterns. My friend is a professional in a stressful job. They get up and go to work each day, sometimes staying late to catch up on the day's' demands. My friend had mildly complained about their sleep patterns, going to bed late and waking early. I thought they were one of those people who can get by on minimal sleep. I am not one of those, I generally need between 6 and 8 hours and sometimes 9 or 10 when good quality sleep has not been available to me the past few days. I recall one morning I woke up early with some issues hot in my brain. I decided to seek an outside opinion regarding my early morning wake up call. I composed a message to my friend. It was just after 5 AM. My iPad tells me when someone is reading a message. I was surprised. I expected a response sometime later, but they indicated they had awakened around 4:45 and were 'coasting' until get out of bed motivation hit them. I was somewhat astounded by their early wake up call. I know their work schedule allows them to arrive at work anytime between 7 and 9 AM, but waking up so early after going to bed so late makes me a bit suspicious.

My friend as indicated previously is a professional. Their life style presents as fairly normal. In this particular instance my perception, looking from the outside in, was they led a very busy life. Almost every evening after work was spent being somewhere, various kinds of activities or standing weekly dates spent with friends. The weekends were just as busy, going here and going there. The chaos my son's room was in did not apply to my friend. Their home was clean and comfortable. No obvious indication of an inner chaos.

The major clue for me was the sleep pattern. The current nickname for people who use methamphetamine is 'tweaker.' The derivation of the nickname was a mystery to me until my oldest son gave me some insight. As I understand what was explained to me, the term 'tweaker' refers to how they sleep. When using dangerous stimulants the brain is super charged and the body follows what the brain tells it. What happens to tweakers is the body tires after many hours and they lay down to rest. The brain continues to be stimulated while the body rests. Deep sleep is rare as the brain keeps working and what is achieved is a false rest, so to speak. My friend's reference to 'coasting' after the alarm went off says to me the brain is working, stimulated, while the feeling of weariness keeps them in bed until the moment when they have to get up or the brain's function is so hyper they simply cannot rest any longer. Another factor is tweakers often sleep with lights on and music playing in the background. Either one of those can keep me awake not to mention both.

Years ago I became familiar with the term maintenance drunk. It describes the person who could drink all night, get up and go to work, have a 3 martini lunch, go back to work until quitting time and then continue drinking all evening, repeating the sequence over and over for years on end. My friend is a maintenance tweaker. I do not know how long they have been operating as a maintenance tweaker, but their description of their previous life indicates it may have started as far back as high school. Possibly sometime in their life they realized they could get by with minimal doses of a stimulant parsed out in specific doses. My friend's source is a doctor who has prescribed Sudafed for a sinus issue. I cannot speak definitively about prescribed dosages, but I believe the 12 hour capsule is standard issue. Take a pill in the morning and the sinuses are not plugged for the next 12 hours. Suppose one decides the sinuses are clogging up again before the 12 hours have elapsed. A second pill is taken and the evening's activities are met with a full head of steam and breathing is ostensibly not a factor. Oh sure, they are stimulated well into the evening and tiredness is not felt until midnight or so, but deep, restorative sleep is not to be achieved.

During the time of our friendship I have never noticed my friend having a sinus problem. One morning I stopped by and they stated their sinuses were clogged up and they needed to take a Sudafed. My inner response was, really, I hadn't noticed any indication their sinuses were clogged at all. You know, the voice pitch is changed because the sinus cavity is full and the sound cannot resonate as fully as normal, or the afflicted person is blowing their nose vociferously, or some other indicator the nose has a problem. My friend seemed normal to my ear.

And now I ask the original questions again. What would you do? How would you do what needs to be done? My son's situation has been handled. I asked him to leave. He has not communicated with me since the day we dropped him off where he had parked his broke down car. My other friend, the maintenance tweaker, is a totally different course of action. If I were to confront them they can easily refute my allegations. All they need do is point out they are meeting their obligations. My evidence is circumstantial at best. I see patterns of prescription abuse where they do not. I could take the issue to the immediate family. I wonder about my credibility with the immediate family. The family members are best positioned to monitor use. Checking the prescription to see how fast the pills are being used would be a concrete way to determine if my perceptions have any validity. How receptive would the family be to hearing my allegations let alone doing the follow up to determine their validity?

And thus is how one deals with proven addiction and suspected addiction, maybe.

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sun, 16 Aug 2015 19:43:00 +0000

It has been over 2 years since I posted to this blog. Below are my thoughts about resolving a current issue.

August 15, 2015

I'm 68 going on 69. Why am I back, reliving, a kind of teenage romance thing? It has been over 40 years since I was in a dating scene. And believe me the repeat performance has been just as painful as whichever romance I experienced in my young adult years.

I suppose I could blame it on Marcia. She said she wouldn't abandon me and in the end she did. My reasoning(blaming Marcia) is as follows:
I was 27 when we got married. Marcia was 20. Little did she realize what a fruitcake she had partnered.
I was carrying a lot of baggage up in my little cranium. What did you do when you learned nothing was permanent? I decided nothing was permanent and built my set of crude walls to filter my experience.
I decided it was hard to trust people because they were impermanent.
When I fell in love it was always head over heels, full steam ahead, in my own way, which looking back, could be seen as plodding. (out of flow, possibly, but it will fit down the way)
Marcia was a smart person and picked up on the primary issue. Abandonment!! Yep, I said it. Young as she was she didn't have the life experience to have some good tools at hand. She certainly did later. Abandonment and trust have a symbiotic relationship. She was trustworthy early during the beginning years. And for the remaining of our time together. So if you trust someone then you will believe them when they say, "I will not abandon you." And I did.
We were married 37 years. To me a long time to trust and to not be abandoned.
And now the reasoning for blaming Marcia has been presented. As you can see pretty weak.

And now back to the primary question. Why am I reliving the pain of romance? The idea of romance seems a bit absurd when you have reaped the payoff, joy, of a romance becoming a relationship. A relationship committed to growing, changing, evolving, into something new and different.

I believe myself to be a mature adult. Wise in his years.(although, the challenge of romance being added to the mix is daunting to say the least) I am therefore looking at relationship more than romance, although intimate romance is certainly what has gotten me to this current state.

What am I gonna do about it? I'm doing the best way I know how.

If it, love, is about relationship more than sex, which to me has been the cherry(not a maraschino) on top. And right now I'm trying to make the distinction between the early time when the drive to procreate love(young adult) motivates and the later time when love is more relationship oriented. My preference is for relationship.

So, what have I taught myself if relationship is what I value more than sex? To me, then it is pretty easy to understand why I wasn't chosen for a long lasting relationship going forward. If a foundation, previous history, to a relationship has already been established then, at my age, the easy choice is to go with the relationship having a foundation. Looking at myself as best I can it seems like I am still a piece of work, relationship(ly) speaking. Weighing the two choices between a relationship having a foundation versus the relationship needing lots of work seems an easy choice. Yeah, at my age I would choose the former over the latter. (currently listening to a solo piano playing the Theme From Love Story, it fit). I do like the excitement of forging a relationship with a new someone. And it will be someone new. Marcia's gone.

Working on a new relationship belies the idea one is always working on relationships when engaged with others. The difference between working on a relationship with a foundation versus one with a new person is familiarity. Familiarity provides context to building the relationship going forward, therefore less work. At my age less work is preferable.

My favorite mode of operation is silence. Probably, most likely, due to my belief in impermanence in turn leading me to not comment on my current state, how I feel or think about my current state of being. I have to work on my silence if I really do seek a relationship with another female of the human species. Marcia put up with it and learned how to deal with it effectively. I can't expect a new relationship to understand nor comprehend what is happening internally with me.

Yes, and cooking for myself, and then others, will help.

05-17-13 Greetings from a neighbor

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Fri, 19 Jul 2013 19:49:00 +0000

May 17, 2013

A Friday ride in my Mehama, Oregon neighborhood

I was greeted this morning by my neighbor Bald Eagle who was checking out the river for breakfast possibilities. He was setting on a large moss covered, no needles, Doug Fir limb about 30 feet up. When I got too aggressive with the iPhone; I wanted to get a close up from the back railing; he took flight.

INSERT PHOTO

After my second cup of coffee I decided I would ride today. I was flexible on which option to take, although aware I hadn't been riding a lot lately, so I chose to ride up Little North Fork Road to mile post 4. I chose mile post 4 because I saw a sign saying 'watch out for log trucks.' I never made it to mile post 4 (or never saw it) instead I turned around where the road turns to hard packed dirt with a covering of rock, which was after mile post 3.

Before I arrived at mile post 2 I elected to explore Pioneer Road and Taylor Park Road. I road several miles on pavement then hard pack dirt with gravel on top. I rode, perhaps a mile, when the road a took sharp decline and I didn't want to climb a steep gravel pitch on the way back as it would eventually dead end.

The last mile or more it rained pretty steady. Not a down pour but a rain that came down a little faster than my clothing could shed. I could feel the dampness coming on. Not a soaking. I opted not to stop and put on the rain jacket. It had been showery all the time I had been here(since Wednesday, early evening) thus the optimism.

The rain was a little persistent on the descent shortly after turning around. Of course, I was going faster. Then the rain stopped and the sun was out and it was very warm(just like that, wah-la). The sun came and went and it was warm when the clouds got out of the way.

When I reached Hwy 22 extending the ride appealed to me. The course correction now put me on a new destination, the Farm Cafe for brunch.

Food reserves were replenished with a Farm Hand BLT, 3 pieces of home made white bread, home style bacon between each piece, very fresh, tasty tomato slices, a slice of cheddar between two of the bread pieces and lettuce between all 3 pieces of bread. Tasty, tasty, tasty. On the side was a small bowl of Italian Wedding Soup, good, but needed some spicing up or herbing up, plus fresh strawberries slices, cantaloupe slices and blueberries, all fresh. Needless to say the plates and bowls were cleaned off.

After my mid-day meal I headed for home at a moderately easy pace.

T= 1:27, MX= 34.3, AV= 13.8, EL GAIN= 823', High Pt= 872', D=20.1 mi., ODO= 6327.

Day 40, Sunday, August 26, 2012, Signal Mountain Lodge to Jackson, WY

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 07:15:00 +0000

Day 40, Sunday, August 26, 2012, Signal Mountain Lodge to Jackson, WY.

Last day and it was a good one. Beginning with great views of the Tetons and ending with Mr. Moose. We explored Signal Mountain Road to find Moose and the best I could do is the picture below. A reddish flash at the other end of the lake.

Mr. Fox in the foreground.

Mr. Fox decides to leave.

Signal Mountain Road was off course. An out and back with a pleasant climb and subsequent descent to return to the main road. We had lots of views of the Tetons as seen below. The first pictures I took of the mountains were done because I did not know there would be the pull outs to view them and were shot by the side of the road.

A distant and mighty cathedral looms.

A chimney plug on a young mountain.

A glacier came down the cut between the peaks to form Jenny Lake.

We pulled into the Jenny Lake Lodge area to get a snack. Then I led the way onto the bike path linking Jenny Lake with Moose and Jackson. A great way to end our ride.

Antelope seen from the bike trail.

Using the zoom on my Canon camera is still a challenge.

At Moose we crossed the Snake River and then took a left on the bike trail to go for food at Denaro's (I'm not sure I have the name correct). We ate at the chuck wagon style restaurant. Decent heavy weight food. As the four of us (Herb, Bob, Jay and I) were sitting there finishing up our meal, Frank came up to us grinning like a mad man. He saw one! What did you see, Frank? A moose right back under the bridge crossing the Snake. If we hurry we may get a chance to see him, too. We jumped on our bikes and sped off to see the moose.

What Moose? I don't see no stinkin' Moose.

Whoa, look, it's a Moose!! Cool!

Stripping Willow leaves off the branches. And the trees don't seem overly damaged by his foraging.

Bye, Mr. Moose. We have to go to Jackson now.

After seeing the Moose we went back to tell Geno, Frank and Mike we were heading for Jackson and we would see them at the downtown square. The ride into Jackson on the bike trail became a race with the weather as their was a mean looking thunder storm off to the west. We got caught, but it was a very light, sparse, rain, primarily because the center of the storm was a ways off and going in a more northerly direction. It was sunny in Jackson.

The end of a long 40 days and 40 nights plus a few extra days and nights.

Here comes Mike! Bob in the background with a latte in hand.

And here's Frank.

And in rolls Geno.

Left to right: Jay, Herb, Frank, Geno, Bob, Dennis, and Mike.

After Geno, Mike, and Frank caught up with us and we had the group shots taken above we set off for The Virginian Lodge which was on the other end of town.

Stats were lost in the ether.

Day 39, Saturday, August 24, 2012, Grant Village campground, Yellowstone to Signal Mountain Lodge, Teton National Park

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 05:10:00 +0000

Day 39, Saturday, August 24, 2012, Grant Village campground, Yellowstone to Signal Mountain Lodge, Teton National Park

It was friggin' cold Saturday morning. I had to pee real bad around daylight and kept putting it off until I became so aware I had to pee I couldn't put it off anymore. I threw on my Keene's and dashed for the toilet. I did a small internal battle whether I wanted to breakdown my tent and pack or get back in the sleeping bag. As soon as I stuck my head into the tent I opted for back in the bag as it was so much warmer.

I laid there for a while contemplating what I would wear and other unimportant stuff until I knew I could not put it off any longer. Breaking camp is always a lot easier than what one contemplates before attempting it. It was around 28 degrees. My bag had kept me warm but the tent is a 3 seasons tent and it was not keeping the interior warm. I bundled up: bike shorts, long sleeve T, wind front tights, bike jersey, bike socks with wool socks over them, Showers Pass jacket over the top half, the flexible B, B? (It starts with a b but I cannot remember it's full name) around my neck and pulled over the top of my head, and merino wool gloves on the hands. The ride to the restaurant for breakfast was one mile. My feet got cold and my nose was running like a waterfall by the time I reached the restaurant. My face was numb or at least I think it was.

I didn't thaw out until my food had been served to me, so Bob's attempt to be cheerful landed on frozen ears and psyche. He didn't attempt to speak to me again until it was obvious I had thawed out.

Frank told me to eat real slow and I did my best so it was about 9:30 and the temp had got up to 32 degrees. Four degrees and sunshine helped me ride more comfortably. Eventually I found myself quite a bit out in front of the others. A coyote dashed across the road about 50 yards in front of me. It felt warmer and I elected to pull over and dress down. Off went the jacket, tights, and wool gloves, on went the vest and knee warmers.

Lewis River Falls

We stopped just inside Teton National Park to snack. There were small climbs to be attained so people took off at different times to get it over with. Once we got to a place where the Teton were visible, they weren't. It was a very smokey day. After dinner I was able to get the pictures below with the iPad.

Stats: D= 48.8, T= 3:49, Mx= 35.6, Av= 12.7, El Gain= 1396, Mx Alt= 7749 (add 200 feet), ODO= 4367

Day 37 & 38, Thursday, August 24, 2012, West Yellowstone to Grant Village, Yellowstone Park and a rest day

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Thu, 30 Aug 2012 01:16:00 +0000

Day 37 & 38, Thursday, August 24, 2012, West Yellowstone to Grant Village, Yellowstone Park and a rest day

Up very early, for me, to breakfast at a cafe opening at 6:30 AM, then back to the motel to put the panniers on the bike and dress warmly. It was very cold, comparatively speaking, this morning. Possibly 39 degrees. I put my wind front tights on, Showers Pass jacket and merino wool gloves. It was adequate meaning I did not feel chilled.

Those who possessed Golden Eagle cards showed them at the gate. Those who did not paid. We will be staying an extra day at Grant Village. There was no room at the inn so we have reserved camp sites.

Yellowstone is a different place in that one senses things are different here. This in spite of the constant stream of cars and RV units passing us by. The amount of new, young, lodgepole pines covering the hillsides and adjacent to the road is astounding. Yes, indeed, fire is an important ecological ally. I wonder how nature will reduce the density of the new growth in ten years or so. Another fire, pine beetles, both, again, or something new and challenging?

I was on the lookout for wildlife and looked down on my right and there was a cottontail rabbit nervously twitching ears and nose and I and the rest of us rolled by. Was he waiting for a break in the traffic so he could cross the road?

We began to use every pull out to pull out and eyeball the terrain for some sign of big game. Bob chose not to pull out and down the road he rolled. A bit later we round a corner and there is Bob stopped on the shoulder along with a bunch of cars. Just before we reached him there was another pull out and we did. there was a break in the lodgepole pine density and I was able to see what Bob had stopped to see, a bull Elk, and off to the left were several other Elk. I snapped the pictures below.

Great shot of Elk butt. Bull Elk butt. Herb is looking at the two below.

More Elk butt and a Bob profile.

The pictures below are of Elk. I don't care if Herb insisted they are geese to my eyes they are elk!!!

See the rack on the lead bull? Impressive, huh?

See the Elk grazing. Only Elk graze in the grass.

When we reached Madison and turned toward Old Faithful and Grant Village we pulled off into a park area. All of a sudden people were pulling up in their cars, including a bus, and parking willy-nilly and dashing out with camera in hand. The bison bull below was heading for water.

We took the Firehole River loop and I took the pictures below of the falls.

We stopped for lunch at Old Faithful. We watched a film about Yellowstone, through which I slept and then it was time for the water show. I shot a video with my iPhone, but am not sure I have the knowledge to insert it into my blog.

After Old Faithful it was time to climb to the Continental Divide, twice. the first climb, to Craig Pass, got us to 8262. There was some descent then we began to climb again and got to 8516, but it was not the divide. We descended some more then climbed back up to 8391 to cross the divide the second time. From here it was a descent to Grant Village and our camp sites.

Day 2 was a rest day and time to do laundry. The morning was very chilly and we were moving slowly. We got to the breakfast site while Geno and Frank were still there then Geno and Frank rode off to Hayden Valley to spy Bison herds. They did and rode their asses off on the way back.

Statsl: D= 59.4, T= 5:41, Mx= 39.1, Av= 10.4, El Gain= 2809, Mx Alt= 8316(add 200 feet), ODO= 4318.

Day 36, Wednesday, August 22, 2012, Campfire Lodge, MT to West Yellowstone, MT

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 05:12:00 +0000

Day 36, Wednesday, August 22, 2012, Campfire Lodge, MT to West Yellowstone, MT

Easy morning after a hard day. Breakfast at 8 AM was very good. The special was a blackberry pancake with one egg and three strips of bacon. The pancake was huge, edges overlapping the plate edge. I left about three bites of pancake on the plate.

The route was flat as our elevation gain statistic will attest. I took the pictures below as an example of the view across the reservoir. It has a dam so it's man made and therefore a reservoir. Unlike Quake Lake which has a nature made dam created during our lifetime. It's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.

Gorgeous morning to ride.

Same spot in the road as picture above.

I took these pictures of log house builders because I wanted to.

Fairly big structure. Good sized logs anyway.

Bucking the log to length while the front loader holds the log up.

The strap is centered and they are working the log around to carry it to the structure.

Off they head for the building.

A log flattened on one side.

The log is going to be placed somewhere on the back side of the building.

This man was notching a log.

West Yellowstone exists for the tourist trade. We ate at a Chinese food restaurant for dinner and the waiter says he moves to Salt Lake for the winter. The restaurant closes down during the winter.

It looks to me as if the tourism business is slowing down. It may be selfish reasoning on my part as I project it means less cars and rv's in Yellowstone. Wishful thinking, probably.

Tomorrow will be another long day, around 50 miles with over 2000 feet of elevation gain. We will climb to our highest point tomorrow for our whole trip. After tomorrow it is kind of downhill to Jackson. Three more days of riding the Rex on its inaugural trip. Then I pack it up and ship it home to Carmichael.

Stats: T= 1:55, Mx= 25, Av= 11.9, El Gain= 616, Mx Alt= 6490, ODO= 4259, D= 22.8

Day 35, Tuesday, August 21, 2012, Ennis, MT to Campfire Lodge, MT

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Wed, 29 Aug 2012 04:35:00 +0000

Day 35, Tuesday, August 21, 2012, Ennis, MT to Campfire Lodge, MT

Second hardest day on the bike, so far, this trip. As stated, Bob and I elected to sleep in as the day did not present, on paper, as very difficult. It would be a steady up but primarily at about 2%. We didn't sleep in as we both got a solid night's sleep. We were up just after Geno shut the door.

The other five went to breakfast at The Pharmacy whereas Bob and I elected to go to The Ennis Cafe. The day before while walking around we had asked a proprietress what she thought was a good restaurant for dinner and breakfast. When I asked her if The Pharmacy was a good choice she made a very negative facial expression and then said she wasn't going to say anything about The Pharmacy. We then asked her what she thought were good choices. She recommended the Ennis for breakfast.

Bob and I were the last ones out of the Riverside motel. A very comfortable morning. We had to climb up onto a bench above the Madison River. Once on top I felt a breeze blowing straight on. It slowed us down but we were able to maintain a steady 10-11 miles per hour. Two hours later it was still a steady head wind and we were tired. Around three hours I saw a sign for a rest stop ahead. Herb and Bob were already there. I pulled in, "No Water." A rest stop without any running water?!!? Bob engaged a man in conversation and he said he had water. He filled several water bottles and put some in my Camel Back.

Smoke enshrouded mountains.

Mike was the last to pull in and he went begging in his persuasive manner and came up with five cans of diet coke and six bottles of water. This refreshment got us down the road about another hour or so, when we saw Geno's bike parked off to the side of a restaurant. It turned out they had just closed, but were quite willing to cook their last four burgers and three plates of tacos. Beverages were unlimited and I drank about four glasses of raspberry tea. We were wasted from almost four hours of riding and we still had another 15 miles to go.

The wind seemed to be coming more from the side as we headed for the Madison River Canyon and Earthquake Lake. As we headed into the canyon it became a tail wind. After four and a half hours on the bike we still had about three minor climbs to get up and over. We arrived at Campfire Lodge after five hours and fifteen minutes on the bike. We got an extra cabin so everyone could sleep in their own bed. There was no dinner place close by so we had to snack.

Picture is out of order, in that, it was a funeral parlor in Ennis. Really looks like a place for dead people to me.

The Madison river in the foreground with the scar from the avalanche above.

A second look. Niether of these pictures unless you blow them up indicate how massive a landslide it was.

My first look at Quake Lake.

A second look at Quake Lake.

The outlet is the V in the foreground.

The outlet first created by the Corps of Engineers but worn away over the last 60 years by the Madison River. The Corps elected to blow an outlet rather than take the chance the river would burst the quake created dam and a huge flash flood would follow doing damage to the ranches and towns downstream.

A long look down the lake. Now it is around 190 feet deep. All the dead trees are actually measurements of how far the lake has dropped since 1959.

Looking back at the outlet and the slide scar. Eventually the Madison River will wear away the slide created dam and Quake Lake will disappear. Three separate events occurred to create what we see here. An earthquake, then a landslide, followed by a flood. Over 20 people died in the campground, now underwater, that night of the earthquake.

Upstream of Quake Lake and only a mile or two from Campfire Lodge to the left of this picture.

Same spot but looking west at the meadow/wetlands.

Stats: D= 49.5, T= 5:15, Mx= 35.2, Av= 9.4, El Gain= 2200, Mx Alt= 6445, ODO= 4236,

Day 34, Monday, August 20, 2012, Sheridan to Ennis, MT

noreply@blogger.com (Dennis) — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 22:45:00 +0000

Day 34, Monday, August 20, 2012, Sheridan to Ennis, MT

After a restless night at a very nice motel and a decent, but slow breakfast we lit out for Ennis. Mike touted stops at Nevada City and Virginia City encouraging us to take it easy today. Mileage wasn't far but we had a climb before we got a long descent.

Below is a picture of Robber's Roost. During 1863 the local sheriff and his deputies decided to take advantage of the weak and rob them. They hung out at the rest stop when not robbing thus the name Robber's Roost. Vigilantes shot them dead in 1864.

This building served as the travelers' rest site, but was built after the robbers had been killed by the Vigilantes.

A separate building that may have been the original building.

Nevada City, MT is an interesting restored and transported historical town. Many of the buildings in the pictures below are from other parts of Montana. They were transported to Nevada City and restored. Mike, Geno, Herb and I stopped for treats at the bakery.

The first building one sees entering Nevada City, MT. It appears to be a ramshackle sort of building with the left connecting to the main house, a Victorian, below.

Victorian not clear yet.

Better light to see the Victorian on right.

From the other side.

To the right of the above picture. Seems to be a large storage place for stuff.

Close up of the building on the right of the Victorian.

The filagee and a copper coated weather vane.

Nothing is happening with this building.

Imported railroad cars.

Wash hung out to dry.

A shot down a side street.

A shot down main street.

In Virginia City, MT just a mile or so up the road we stopped for food again. Bob and Geno split a sandwich and I had a milkshake. On our way out of town I saw the sign for the church below.

The road tilted up directly out of Virginia City and stayed tilted up for the next four miles. It wasn't steep, i.e. low gear and barely turning the crank. It was just a steady 6% give or take. The descent, on the other hand, was probably the best, most fun, of our descents so far. Relatively straight with big sweeping corners. The only problem for me was gusty winds up near the top. Traffic was light so I felt OK using the whole lane. Once I had dropped a few hundred feet the gusty winds subsided and I felt OK letting the bike roll. Check my maximum speed for the day, and remember I am doing this with loaded panniers and a great bike.

The next day is supposed to be a relatively flat, steady ascent, over fifty miles. Bob and I are electing to sleep in.

Stats: T= 2:52, Mx= 42.4, Av= 11.7, El Gain= 1744, Mx Alt= 6644(a little over 7000 per map), ODO= 4186, D= 33.5