Because

I suppose I am back...

2011-10-06T19:09:00.002-04:00

READERS: it's been a while!
I return to this blog no more guided or assured then when I first posted...
is this just how it is?
as kids we think adults hold all the secret information then as we grow up we realize they are JUST AS CLUELESS.... how disappointing!

25 years experience i have at this whole "life" thing and yet...
I am as helpless and lost as a 2 year old..
A QUARTER OF A CENTURY AND STILL AS DAFT AS AN INFANT. . .
sad really.

I have gone from the should of been euro trip which lead to one hell of a wicked year of goodbye parties with some of the greatest people alive. . .to meeting people who share my actual DNA... to serious unemployment...to the perfect guy...to running a shoe store... all of this has happened, clearly "nutshelled" but damn man ALLLLLL that "growth"...but, ultimately still NOTHING!

The following are facts:
1. being a boss takes 50% more out of you then not(assuming u actually work!)
2. being an older sister is incredible rewarding and demanding (especially if u're new at it)
3. being a girlfriend takes more than smiles and kisses
4. being a friend means making time to see them and talk to them
5. I have successfully managed to fail all the above through one means or another.

Somehow the domino effect escaped the realm which contained it and it is now spiraling my life out of control...

what i want... what i need is a solution, the age old secret that so few possess.. myself included.. when one feels broken, at wits end... at their "breaking point" do you just press on? ignore it? face it (which btw HOW?) or well dammit what?

I am a smart young woman, capable of more than i'm sure i even know and yet when these times come to pass where i am at my utmost mental lowest of lows i find myself totally and utterly incapable of helping myself..

can't help but REPEATEDLY ask myself, why?

as for seeking outsider input.. forget it, no one is you and therefore no one sees, feels or comprehends how YOU feel. i am so sick of the "everything will be fine" speech or "just wait and see" speech
you know what i say to those?
KISS MY NONEXISTENT DICK!

Peanut - out!

When You Just Know

2010-02-23T16:49:00.002-05:00

Life is full of question and wonder...
All we think we know.. we never truly know...
What we seek to know... We eventually grow to understand

We forget sometimes that it does happen only once..
You cannot judge a past life to perfect the present one..
Therefore you can only learn as you grow and grow from what you learn as it happens.

Tomorrow is as much a mystery as the next century... So choose today to appreciate what you have now.

It wasn't long ago a light flickered before my eyes
It came to me at a time when the next step was unclear.. I was lost and it lit up my path, my life and most importantly my heart...
It was brighter than any star I've ever seen.
In fact it almost blinded me off the dance floor...

I had no choice.
I had to follow this light...
I had no choice.
I had to try and make it mine..

I figure life/fate whatever you want to call it doesn't always give you the second chance you count on
You only have once to get it right...

Fight or Flight...

{I chose both in a manner of speaking}

By now you realize this light is a boy.
I had to have him. I would stop at nothing, and I haven't and I won't.

This is the fight.

I am not a quitter... My heart knew his heart before he even spoke a word.
Love within silence.

It's always the most desirable who are damaged just enough to give up on the most important gift of life.
Like a bird with broken wings.. They need time to heal and confidence to try and fly again...

BUT..

When they heal...
...and believe me....
They do..

You wonder how anyone could have taken their light for granted... But can't help but be thankful they did...A diamond in rough so to speak.. Roughed up by the past to shine for the present.

This boy, My boy, My man to be... I've won the lottery of love...

This is the flight.

My heart soars with happiness... My head is in the clouds of day dreams of he and I...and tomorrow..

Like I said tomorrow is as clear as the next century but as long as I have my light I know I'll never be lost again.

<3

Better left unsaid

2009-11-25T00:47:00.000-05:00

Today... unlike most days
The truth did not set me free.
Instead it put me into a box.
A small, tight and congested box.

In this box I cannot move.
I do not try.
My words put me in it
My mind nailed it shut with my words
and my regret won't let me out

I believe in sayin what you mean and meaning what you say.
But that should not always be the case.
And my little box, is my proof.

If only life was like a blank tape in a VCR
You can press stop or pause anytime you want
Most importantly you can rewind and rerecord
If my life was a VCR...
I fast forward to gain the lessons
and then rewind and record over the mistakes...

My honesty has gotten the best of me..
Though its not me I am so worried about...
I know what i've done and maybe not why I've done it
But i accept the things I cannot change..
Or I did..
Until today.

I truly don't know how to mend
the mess my words have gotten me into
I am not sure I will break free from this box
I want too, does that count?

How does a person release themselves from there past
Whether it be certain memories or people...
For every goodbye I've said... I've never let go of the past
It does not mean I want that past in my present
But I've always managed to hold a piece..
I am forever damaged and scarred
Like an antique I always view it to be character...

Tonight I found it to be imperfection
and not the beautiful kind.

I am who I am...I've done what I've done
I face that fact everyday
The real question is..
Who else will?

Who else wants damaged and scarred goods?
This writing should feel like freedom
It doesn't.. it's made the box smaller and tighter
As the walls close in..
I fear I may have lost my only potential hero.

Words have weight.
They are the nails holding down the lid to my box that they built
Will I ever be free?

No matter what tomorrow brings...
It's been said..
Whether it should or shouldn't have..
Is irrelevant, and thats unfortunate.

Around my head spins and the box gets tighter.
I know its closing in..
I am terrified.

To be or not to be..

2009-11-19T01:01:00.001-05:00

I hear it all the time...
From every direction
Just Be.

Old friends, new friends they all say the same thing
Howcome you cant just be?
I am no drama queen
I do not thrive on creating a scene
So why is it when I can't just be
I hit self destruct
Pathetic

I try but do not succeed
How else am I supposed to act?
I am captain of the positivity team
But
That's irrelvant because I don't feel like its helping
Patience is a virtue and it is a virtue to have patience.

The SD button I so often push as of late...
Has gotta self destruct itself
It must be removed from my options menu

Ahh to just be...
I know how it feels, I've been there
It's calming and serene
In order to just be... I truly believe one must be happy
Or they can't simple just be.

Sometimes a girls mind works far to hard for far to little.
No pain, No gain - However, No BS either
or SD for that matter

I will just be... I just need to find the time when I can allow myself to do so.

...this is not a love song

2009-11-06T01:02:00.002-05:00

I figured the next time i wrote on here... would be from utter happiness
instead...its due to confusion
Choices choices choices
are we defined by the choices we make
that saying about one door closes another opens...
fact is... you gotta be the one to close it
There are no doors at half mass...
Thats like attempting to have the cake and eat it too
I do not fear my new path... the one with no way back...
Im scared to leave my original path...the one with the bread trail
Fear is a state of mind...
Fear is a state of mind...
I tell myself that but everytime i lose sight of a bread crumb
my stomach goes weak... my heart breaks a little...
I had my doubts.. and i trusted them always
regardless of the reassurance...
now into uncharted waters i abandon my life jacket
sounds funny because it sounds like safety net... but its not..
its safe, and trusted, known and familiar...
Change is good...
Change is good...
I love the butterflies and innocense of it all
I want the reality and familiarity to set it
I seek comfort in my decisions...
But i am not to be defined ...
I want my bucket lists, not the what ifs
I want to be the only girl, not the other girl
I want to be me with him and not you
but its hard to let it go...
Your the one I've always known...
Like you said it will never be like you and me
and you're rigght
It will be better
it won't be better because im angry or hurt
it will be better because its honest and has been since day one
it's been so long since we last had that connection
but at the thought of goodbye... no more i'll be there...
well its scary.
To close an 8 year story, chapter...saga if you will..
is scary...
Then again,
Like you said... stop hiding behind my fears.

Wastelands

2009-09-02T23:50:00.001-04:00

In the wastelands we find ourselves from time to time
Ignoring potential, losing motivation
A stand still, if you will.

Speak of growth, speak of change
Yet remain

Whats the hold up?

Is it me?
Is it you?
Is it fear?

Some say we are our only worst enemy
I agree..

We build the walls and then forget how to break them
We pysch ourselves out and lose our way back to reality

What do I fear?

It has been said to me..
Each moment your alive is a moment you lose forever
Did you waste it?
Most times... I fear the truth of that answer

I sought out to be as good of a person as I am able
I sifted through my lies of the past
Brought truth with me to my present
I have changed and altered all of which I once felt shameful for
I'll never lie to protect who I was
I have faced the demons I deserved to face

So howcome I still feel so unaccomplished?

Being a dreamer is fun and easy
Constantly my head soars amoung the clouds
But how much fun is it... really... when you can't make the dreams come
true?

I guess I'll know forever
If I don't start trying today.

S S - Sorry

2009-08-04T15:00:00.001-04:00

Should I stay or Should I go
?!?!?!
Normally the champion stays
Circumstances differed on levels above my understanding

Sometimes overcoming the challenge
is accepting defeat

no matter how hard i tried..
the person i love in myself
was gone..
your energy.... drained my energy

frustration and discontent developed
irritation and anger surfaced
slowly but surely
hatred formed
logic, unknown..

but facts are facts..
job was fun
locals were fun
coast guards were easy on the eyes - lol - and fun
but youuu... every second i had i ran

This being my side means your entitled to yours
this being my blog means it'll probably never be heard
I should of went alone, you should of stayed home

We can't win em all.

Lesson learned on both accounts
a friendship lost, by choice
im sorry you thought you seen someone in me
because that person you glimpsed
was
never near you

i never meant to hurt your feelings..
although i feel as if you meant to invade my world
i hold no grudges - now that i am gone.

Sometimes different paths isn't always a choice
in my case it was
in your case i made it for you.

Que sera sera - whatever will be, will be.

Good luck in life.
For abandonment - my sincerest apologies
For my ignorance - i stand behind my actions/words.

again i say good luck in life.
it is time to go our separate ways.
this is my choice.

North Star <3

2009-07-28T03:38:00.001-04:00

I find myself with butterflies...
love is a game... not with whom you like.. but with yourself
battling emotions
attempting to conquer constant analysis
questioning certainties
censoring words...

Fuck complicated love

let it be
wise words once shared
from Paul to Mimi to Me
LET IT BE

The deserving are loved... maybe not by whom they desire
no one lives unloved unless they will it as such

Stated before to be repeated again
Everyday is the beginning of my life
A new chapter, a new book :)

Sunshine, grey abyss matters not
love is a game...
the losers try to love others
the winners know to love themselves first

Priorities are priorities - having them straight is based on perception

I do more circles than straight lines...
its okay - its all a process
backtrack and take a lesson twice
better than forgetting it once

Teenager, young adult, woman
one step, two step and back again to one...

Manatee island (haha)
Manitoulin Island... the land of adventure
in the trees or in my head... clarity is not my only goal
understanding, respect, self love
Im worth it - i always have been
just unknowingly

Renewal - release the old
this is something i will not do there
i will bring the old to make the new even better

I know not what tomorrow will bring
I know not what the next 2 weeks will bring

what i do know

i will maximize profits - mental/financial
i will enjoy this opportunity
and
i will not allow anything or anyone come in between that

Mind over matter.... or just allow matter without mind...

I will make the most of this...

Journey out into unknown waters
bring a life jacket
be close enough to shore
but far enough away

Head North said the bird
find your adventure
head North
if you get lost find the moon
the stars
the sun

The whole world is our playground
i am playing a game of love and adventure
i am playing it with myself
and
I AM WINNING.

So i head North :)
PZ

I Challenge Myself

2009-07-08T03:15:00.001-04:00

Today i challenge myself.
Face life - no u-turns, no side streets, no short cuts.

It's time to realize the teenage years........ have gone

My parents are aging rapidly... as i am watching - fear develops

Weakened by illness... hurt by things around them...

Our Heroes no longer invincible to life's dangers - harsh reality

People we loved, a person i loved has left the free world.. not the world tho..
For that I am grateful...

I say we all have equal chances... but not our victims of circumstance...
they have to work twice as hard to prevail...
sometimes
for them..it's simply not that easy.

I dedicate my love to my family... they are the most deserving...
I give up on romance & love... it's not meant for me...

No
matter
how
worthy
I
think
I
am.

Cultivating the wasted love energy into motivation for success.

Long love lost hurt my feelings... for which i am grateful

A kick start is what one needs... i work best under pressure.

My heart is half full... and seems as though it will remain this way forever...

I am 23... life's still young.. but the meantime is the worst time.

I challenge myself today... to be the best person i can possibly be.
I challenge myself today... to overcome all obstacles.
I challenge myself today... to face life and everything about it.

"i left it blank"

2009-06-18T02:20:00.001-04:00

Impossibly perfect
Perfectly impossible

doubt in oneself
oneself in doubt

twist the logic how you want too... they're just words

irony finds you
you find irony

Road blocks can't stop this movement

find your groove
grab your girls
make your dance floor
leave your shades on

upfront/secretive ... it all comes out in the
end

live it how you will; be prepared to face it

you can always do it again
you get more than one shot...
only,
one life though

let the sounds lead you to your version of utopia
while i stew to create mine..

sound moves you
you move sound

i will leave my mark...
on your:
eyes, ears, finger tips
body, heart, soul

my beat is slow and honest
its sounds move through you
the baseline pumps
like a heart
to keep the flow
i count the beats

focus is key
determination is key
support is key

"shoot for the moon...
you might still land amoung the stars" :)

so i leave my slate blank...sometimes the book needs to write itself.

?¿?Why Not?¿?

2009-06-08T01:06:00.001-04:00

What is, is not what is

Trial n' error... troubleshooting... fear of flying...

Rushed feels nerve racking
New feels unexpected

Yet not..

Tap* tap* tap*
:D
the night begins..

Drinks, music and laughter
It's show time..
The stage is set
No need for understudies.
Everyone is present and ready..

My heart <3 soars when I distinguish the people who matter most When I think of the old and consider the new I want to capture every moment and never let go Friendship is something so few truly really appreciate................... ...............This year I learn the value of both: Myself and my friends. All things in my life... are of substance.. and what isn't is to become. The people in my life.. are of substance... and as i grow they filter. So lucky and so unprepared... As the saying goes... "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" Work towards self potential... The beginning of my life is every day.

PC VS MAC

2009-06-02T02:42:00.001-04:00

Ladies, Gents - I am striving to be a MAC.

Recently It occurred to me
I'm living the life of a PC...

Sure, it sounds random

PC's operate out of one system
They require upgrades..aka to learn (ahhh ohhh)
Upload/download/reload...format..

Ok... MAC...

Mac separates its operating system
Like a condom it protects its valuables :P
If something tries to damage the system
Tries to transfer say even an infection
There's always a simple cure..
A conflict with a Mac.. never lasts.

To live the life of a MAC
Is the life I seek to live.

^food^4^thought^

2009-05-26T02:57:00.001-04:00

I once heard... "a man who wants nothing is invincible."
Is it possible to live a life and not want?

We have to give for the sake of giving...
To expect nothing in return.
Sometimes I forget that, and wish I hadn't.

When "want" consumes..
Judgement gets clouded.

Triumph; overcoming this challenge from life.

I am on a quest to
acknowldge my capabilities within myself
realize my potential
learn to control the mental and emotional states...

Some have already begun...
Some are waiting in Europe...
And some are seemingly impossible.. but we'll see :)

Good to go Green

2009-05-25T02:21:00.001-04:00

Nothing is certain..
There are no guarantees
Luck is complete fiction...a nickname for karma
There is only time and chance.

Family and friends... love..
Life is too short... time is not endless..
one day...we will pass on..

It's the meantime we gotta make the most of..
Not a day goes by that a simple choice can't change your life
Realization and understanding for what is of true value
All of our conquests

It may have been a year ago... the date is irrelevant
I remember it so clearly...
A Beaver night like any other... girl party show down...
It all happened so swiftly... as if foreshadowing the need to wait
Divine Intervention couldn't even explain
two small moments..was all it took to change..

Arriving to drop off destination..
A light is needed...
Nine second delay...
exit as usual.. continue to next destination

Approach intersection.. realizing I'm speeding
{SINCE WHEN DO I STOP N THINK OF COPS??}
From 80 to 65
Quickly approaching my good to go green light...
As the road's white line reaches my plate
I look up just in time to see,
A red bullet that just JUST missed me..

I look to my right as he continued to fly...
Wait, Hold on...REWIND...
DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?!?!?!

My heart stopped... My chest tightened.
I had to stop moving.. if only for a moment..
Thought..wept...thought some more..
Needed to recollect...

I Made a call.

My dear friend, I thank you. Unknowingly you just saved my life..

To describe the sudden awareness...the closeness and potential of our two cars colliding...the fact that it would have been my side at 200 an hour...through his red light...through my good to go green..

Fate, guardian angel, divine intervention... higher purpose...whichever for whatever..
Like a force field, I was protected.. Spared even..
I am forever grateful.

Inspired and aware
life shouldn't be taken for granted.

If it feels wrong.. there's a reason
If it feels right.. there's a reason
Understand things happen for with purpose...
Embrace your choices...we all have them.

Action leads to consequence
Consequence leads to comprehension
Comprehension leads to appreciation.

The 23rd year of my life has brought great change...
I do believe that this event played a role.

Face the inevitable..one day we will all pass..
so let's try to enjoy it while it lasts.
xoxoxo

Window...

2009-05-23T04:30:00.001-04:00

One door opens another shuts...
One door shuts another opens...
Tit for tat and excetera.
Imagination, surpressed wishes of reality.
There are no refunds, please come again.

Long Love Lost

2009-05-23T04:06:00.001-04:00

The triple "L's"
Breathe through my soul
Day in, day out
I count on you to catch me
lovers quarrel...
the trying..

It almost got serious, it almost ended.

To say I lost you, would mean I had you
We know that's not true

I miss the friend I had
Who understood me
Strong enough to deal
With words I needed
talking, yelling...silence.

Random....daily
Coffee....hourly
Cigarettes...constantly
Conversations....endless...

I wouldn't take back, rewrite or change a thing.

You will always be a part of me...
Your guidance has helped find a true me...
I'll miss
your wisdom
the way you look at me
your voice when you're excited, angry or bragging
you always remain calm in my chaos.

You were my hero once, twice...forever.
I wish you didn't know I could save myself.
Strength is a weakness in itself.

I miss my buddy, not the lover.
We'll never go back...
We will look forward...

When the time came we'd just know.

Two down, one to go....

We're both guilty... of forgetting what we had...
No fingers to point...only new futures to face
and new faces to see...

One love to our memories.

I want to

2009-05-21T01:38:00.001-04:00

Watch the warm sunsets at dusk
Appreciate my youth and enjoy it while it lasts
Know when to say yes and when to say no
Understand the true meaning of love and respect
Be trustworthy and genuine
Spend more time with the people I care about
Help those who truly need it
Count on my friends when I'll need them most
Make someone smile at least once a day
Share laughter with those around me
Remember every defining moment
Use my intuition to guide me through life
Learn all I can
Teach all I can
Be all I can, in the army... hahahahaha
{minus the army.. ;) }
PZ

The Mission...

2009-05-19T11:23:00.001-04:00

The goal is set - travel
the mission - personal growth
destination - anywhere
accomplices - none...

there's a shift.... someone else shares your goal

destination changes, accomplice changes...
bound to be a wild ride
months pass, no plans... ideas still strong.

how to start, where to start
finance - a hindrance beyond any other..
procrastination sets in..
mission gets cloudy...seeming unattainable
conflict after conflict... we stand scratching our heads
can this still be done?

Fair

2009-05-19T01:52:00.001-04:00

there's a spark, a click, a skipped beat... something inside you jumps
you both see it, you both feeeel it
you retract slightly.
things change, moments arrive... face to face you stand
it's a spark, a click...it's the same.
separate worlds, with slight collision
not enough time to know...
frustrated, unprepared, a skipped beat... it's all forgotten
small yet mighty, feeling is all you have..
something inside you jumps
across the world... distance will intervene..
but what if?
curiosity did kill the cat, when he shoulda just kept his mouth shut.
{if life made sense, so would that sentence}
predicting tomorrow.. regretting yesterday.. means, forgetting right now.
life... fair?

stand up or shut up

2009-05-19T01:39:00.001-04:00

so it happens like this
i go to do the "homework" and collected they stood on my porch
unexpected, yet completely planned.
Ease, tension, relief/stress and an overwhelming sense of something new
beyond expectations
Slowly, spending time here n there..
What pictures to show..
What to say, how to say it
Eventually it fades and something clicks; its fun!
I wanna do this - be the older sister.
I will do this... Priority number one ;)
{unintentional rhyme but deal}
How we'll come together may not be easy to predict
but,it may just do it for.... itself.
Never been reliable, that's about to change.

Today's the day...

2009-05-18T09:51:00.002-04:00

Waking up; no easy task
Couldn't sleep last night... no matter how many sheep flew by
Today's the day I face my past... The past I thought I'd never see
Excited, yes.
Nervous, yes.
Will it run smoothly... I wish I knew.

It's a stange feeling.. Being the only you since forever...

Never realizing you do, say and act because of someone else's genetics coursing through your veins.

What does it mean to be a big sister?

I guess today's the day - I find that out.

Shield is off, heart is full...

Wish me luck

No matter how many times

2009-05-18T01:37:00.001-04:00

It never changes... the sun rises and falls...days go by...
months turn into years and before you know it - your 20 something asking yourself where yesterday went.

As each moment passes I cling to grab onto everything around me. It's my downfall - rushing the moments worth cherishing.

Greediness is so easy to feel and so hard to diminish from our lives.

We are all given equal opportunity, yet can always find someone doing better than us... Its all about perception... maybe they have more money but have less heart, etc etc...

Perfect is impossible.

I have been waiting a long time for the things I want most. Constantly finding myself trying to make pieces that don't fit - fit the spaces I've made for the things I want... and it never works out... only breaks the picture I had once seen...

Trick - stop rushing it... Problem - breaking the habit.

I have learned patience is one of the hardest traits a person can develop (no one is born patient) - you may sit there thinking you're patient but I can promise you, it truly boils down to circumstance.

Selfish... why does everyone say we're all out for number one and if that is the case... isn't selfish okay?

Friends come in all shapes, sizes and walks of life.... they all have their purpose... each interaction with another human will always teach you something... yet so few of us embrace the opportunity....

It's scary how close you can feel to a person in one hour of conversation... yet, it only takes seconds to wipe out that same sense of closeness.

Is it our intuition that guides our journey or is it our experiences that build our intuition?

Simply question - impossible answer.No matter how many times these questions and realities present themselves.. they never get easier to answer or deal with.

mental. physical. emotional.

Life's love... we all want it~