Life is...

Changez

2020-07-16T14:40:00.000-04:00

Hello friends and family.

If you are like me, you have cried about, laughed because of, denied the need for, and finally accepted the reality of some recent changes. I came to the States in February with nothing more than a week's worth of clothes and the hope of returning in a month. 5 (almost 6) months later I am preparing to transition to life in the states. That's right...I'm baaaacccckkkkk.

As exciting as it is heartbreaking, it just felt like this is where God wants me for now. And I'm finally okay with it. In fact, once I accepted this as the way things were going to be, the flood gates opened and I was immediately able to get a car, a new job in the Charlotte, NC area, and a new apartment...all within 2 weeks.

I can't say I am super excited to leave behind, at least for now, my nomadic ways, but I can say I will enjoy bringing this new me back "home" and seeing how my new prespective will impact a new set of students in a new city.

I have been reminded of how little is in our control. No one asked for a virus to transform how we do life...but, sometimes these unexpected elements open up opportunities we never previously considered...

We have all gone through a lot this year, but be comforted in knowing we're all in this together...and yes, I did just borrow from High School Musical.

Things I am grateful for (in no particular order):

***My new baby...not exactly my baby, because who has time to take actual pictures, but her distant cousin.

***My family (this is months old...but what I got)

***Seafood

***My health...

There's more, but I haven't got the pictures to prove it....

Be safe and go in LOVE!

Ayeshah

un-Qurantined Thoughts

2020-04-03T11:30:00.001-04:00

Good morning friends and family. Is it just me, or are the tears coming easier than usual? I find myself crying from super sweet videos that restore my hope in humanity as well as the bleak ones where doctors are pleading with the public to stay home or donate supplies. It's a lot. Even with the support of my family, it's a lot.

When I came to the states back in February, escaping the monotony of my apartment in China, I arrived with little more than a desire to be outside and the foolish expectation to only be here for a month...at most. Almost 2 months later, I am still staying with my sister, home school my nephew, and teaching online to students with a 12 hour time difference between us. It has been tough not knowing what to expect day to day, but I am continually praising God.

All of us, if you are reading this, are waking up each day to live this new reality. I, for one, am grateful to wake up knowing that my family and I are, at the moment, still safe. Now, more than ever, we are realizing that tomorrow is not promised. There are people who have woken to the fact that they have lost a family member, in some cases, family members to Covid-19. My heart hurts for them. To have someone you love die, alone, and not be able to say goodbye because of the infectious nature of this virus. That's sobering. The knowledge that our government is projecting anywhere from 100,000-240,000 human deaths over the course of this struggle with social distancing in place is flooring. As a nation, as humans, that should bother you. It should leave you questioning how did we get to this point with so much advance warning. We saw China. We saw Italy and the rest of Europe. Why were we still caught off guard?

I have a few thoughts I want to share about EVERYTHING. You might not agree, but Imma share anyway.

I believe Americans suffer from this idea that it could not happen to them. When we see the suffering of others, we see it as just that--THEY are going through a tough time. It's sad, but on some level we have removed ourselves from the ability to see ourselves in their position. For instance, during the initial days of the US Covid outbreak, there were kids going in droves to Florida for Spring Break and competing online licking public toilets. They thought they were exempt because of their age. I think, many Americans thought we were exempt from suffering because of this image we project of being a prosperous, rich nation. We thought, "Of course many Chinese people died, it's China. That could not happen here..."
I have never been more aware and disappointed in elected officials who have the power to make some changes and still sit on their asses until things are critical. All because of fear of making a decision, all because no one wants to be the responsible party. Why is the federal government leaving states in charge of coming up with their own system of how to quarantine? Is this the wild west? Is it every man for himself? Why did the governor of Georgia LIE (I'm calling him out because that was either a lie or blatant stupidity) about not knowing that asymptomatic people could be contagious? Did he not learn how germs worked in school? Georgia (and I'm sure other places) has these tightropes in place for people to walk over before they can be approved for testing. You could have all the symptoms of Covid-19 and STILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO TEST. Combine this with the fact that asymptomatic people aren't being forced to stay home or wear masks (counties have taken on this burden...yet, companies have been stretching the meaning of "essential" for their workers), symptomatic people are told to stay home and self treat, Covid Hotline hours are not 24/7 (because the symptoms stop outside of banking hours), and low testing means low reporting and inaccurate numbers we have a recipe for disaster. I do understand that we don't want to overwhelm our fragile healthcare system, however, we need more testing and more RULES. A 8 pm to 5am curfew is not enough.
People aren't staying home! You can and you will die. None of us are immortal. You do not have to go to church to fellowship. You do not need to go to Wal-Mart everyday...and when you do, don't make it a family trip. You do not need to be visiting family and friends because you are bored. Stay home. Read a book. Write a book. Learn a language. Clean everything you own. Do something that does not require you to put yourself and others at risk. We all need to feel connected, so feel free to video call everybody you know.
Doctors are being fired for speaking out! During the worst pandemic of our lifetime, we are firing doctors because they bruised someone's pride. We need are healthcare professionals now more than ever!
It is good that school is cancelled for the rest of the school year. It's unfortunate, but it is good. If missing prom means you are not spreading an out of control disease, prom it up when this is over. I hope more communities are able to provide food for those kids who might not eat. I hope we are all coming together to help our neighbors and encourage each other. I do love that the schools in my area have been gong around blowing horns and send virtual hugs. That brought some tears to my eyes.
After experiencing quarantine now in two countries, I have to admit, I felt safer in China. Yes, it all felt like one big overreaction at the time, but if my biggest safety complaint was that I was inconvenienced, I was doing fine. There was a common sense of we were all in it together and working towards mutual survival. My apartment complex disinfected the elevators 5 times a day. I had my temperature checked at every store I visited. It was crazy, but not impossible to endure. These are some reasons I choose to return:

Entertaining a 7-year-old 24/7 in a small apartment...alone, was doing my head in. I wanted to be able to go outside without a mask on!
Being near family was comforting and has still been for the most part.
I expected the American health system to be BETTER, more expensive, yes, but also better prepared.
I didn't realize the virus would travel through the states so quickly. I am starting to believe it has always been here, spreading quietly, but now it's here here. I was foolish.

Anyway, I am not here to fearmonger. I am really upset about somethings and wanted to vent. I am not as worried and scared as I was a few weeks ago, I am more at peace. I thank God for providing that peace that surpasses understanding. I do think we need to come together and be there where we can and encourage each other that this too shall pass. Grieve with those who are grieving. Rejoice with those who are rejoicing. And, for the love of God, stay home!

Ayeshah Dean

About Recognizing How Easily Any of Us Could Succumb to Cult Mentality....

2020-03-03T15:59:00.001-05:00

Hello friends and family! I equate online classes to having to create extended sub plans, with video lessons. This would be more manageable if I didn't have 4 different preps...but this is just one of the joys of working in a small school. It has been about month since we took school online and I am feeling unable to concentrate. SO, naturally, I've found myself with a lot of time to procrastinate and think about non-important things. :-)

Let's get to the point.

The title for this post may be misleading, but I woke up a few days ago and was unreasonable interested in cults and cult leaders. I am not even sure how it started, but I somehow ended up looking into Jim Jones and later the Rajnesh. I found it weird that people would be so easily swayed to follow a god-like figure and be so enamored the thought of murder/suicide would be nothing more than an act of obedience. On the outside looking in, I was shook by the absurd level of hero worship these leaders demanded from followers. These followers, once baptized into their new faith, gave everything--money, skills, mind, body, and soul--to the cause.

Watching these various documentaries, I not only realized how easily a person could be convinced to join cults like the ones above, but I also noticed some similarities between the groups that I feel are universal lessons about human nature:

1. We are all seeking a place to belong. I've talked before about my own struggles with finding community and fitting in. It is my unrelenting belief that all of us are looking for inclusivity. I don't believe any of us are finding that. There could be a million reasons: the fact that we are so afraid to be real with each other, intimacy in friendships is difficult to cultivate; the fact that those in the lower realms of society are often treated as less than human, therefore they want to reclaim some of that missing dignity; the fact that we are constantly competing for limited resources or positions, so we isolate ourselves so that we are not taken advantage of; the fact that we are too self centered, and don't consider how we can be a blessing to someone who needs our special whatever it is...also, I feel social media corrupts our perception of what is real, so we spend so much time pursuing "ideals" and falsehoods that we may not even know how to be real...but that's another conversation. Whatever the reason, we have a lot of lonely people trying to fill that void with other things (work, materialism, drugs, ect.). It's no surprise that when a group comes around offering total acceptance and inclusion as well as a means to take care of all your physical needs, thousands flock towards it.

2. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Both of these organizations, on the surface, began with policies that encouraged everyone to break down societal barriers and come together, in love, to change the world. It was radical, but inspiring. Of course, each group was led by a lunatic...or a team of lunatics. In my heart of hearts, I wish we could all live in a racially inclusive commune where capitalism wasn't a thing. We would all work together for the common good and live, essentially, as a family. I believe this is what Heaven will be like. I also understand that at our most basic, humans are deeply flawed. No matter how good our intentions, the fact is absolute power corrupts absolutely and even the strongest character would struggle with that sort of following. To give one person the status of god and put them on a pedal stool, is dangerous, and from my perspective, lead to the ultimate chaos of both groups.

3. We are designed to worship something. Whether we are worshiping ourselves, our families, our money, our jobs, or Jim Jones, we are worshiping something. Something in everyone's life consumes their thoughts, their time, whatever. It is not surprising that hundreds of individuals were willing to give everything to follow charismatic leaders who spoke to some aspect of them.

Let me say that I am NOT joining a cult, but I can see why many people do.

Stay gold. Ayeshah

Trying to write...again....

2020-02-05T11:54:00.001-05:00

I'm adding to my short story compilation Family Album. Feedback is appreciated. I haven't written anything in ages, so I feel rusty. I think this needs...more.

Martin: Meet Cute

She was there again. The girl with the books. The girl with the smile. Everyday, without fail, she would leave her friends after eating her lunch to come to the library to read. And everyday, without fail, he would be there, pretending to study hoping to see her.

When he’d first discovered her, it was a happy accident. He was looking for a book on Civil War politics, what he found was her.

In his haste, he would’ve overlooked her, but just as he walked past her hiding place, she began to laugh aloud at something in her book, ultimately stopping him in his tracks. Who is that and has she always been at our school? he pondered as he stared at her perfect smile and glowing eyes. Completely immersed, she was unaware that her laughter had garnered her an audience and a devoted follower.

That was two weeks ago.

Make no mistake, Martin wasn’t idle during that time. He’d done his research. She was the aloof Risa Owens: reader and honor roll student. She lived with her brother and grandmother in the Sticks. She was single.

He was more than ready to approach her and put an end to his secret pining. He just hoped he could get her to look up long enough for him to plead his case.

“Excuse me.” He cleared his throat, held his breath.

She quickly finished her sentence before looking up. “Yes?”

“Hi, I’m Martin.” I’m Martin?

“Okay…”

“I’m sorry. I don’t usually do this, but…” He inserted a charming smile, the one that girls usually fall for.

“But…” She was not the usual girl.

“You see, I was sitting over there,” he pointed towards his backpack and books for emphasis, “when I looked up and noticed you reading Butler,” he pointed to the book in her hand, “I had to ask…how do you find Dana’s optimism in Rufus’ ability to change despite his position in life? Don’t you find it frustrating?” He’d done his research.

“You’ve read Kindred?” Using her finger as a bookmark, she closed her book, giving him her full attention.

“Of course. I actually came across it when I was researching the antebellum south for my social studies project,” this wasn’t a complete fabrication. He had found her while researching and, in turn, came across the novel in her hand. “I see you are a little over halfway done. What are your thoughts so far?” He took a seat next to her, hoping to engage her in a longer conversation.

“Actually, I’m torn. Like Dana, I am rooting for Rufus, but his actions are…horrible. I think Butler is playing with this complex power/love dynamics, really highlighting the convoluted nature of slavery. We hate are masters, but we love them because, in a way, we are all in this weird dysfunctional family.” At this she smiles, but it’s hesitant—shy. She is smart, but she is used to not being listened to. It’s evident that she wants to say more on the topic, but she doesn’t want to bore him.

Martin notices the opportunity. “So you think love is a tool of power?”

“I think, like his white-maleness, love is one of the weapons at Rufus’ disposal. Look how he manipulates his mother.”

“Is that art imitating life?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you think, for instance, and this is purely a speculative argument, if I fell in love with…you. Do you think that would be a tool of manipulation you would be likely to use?” He smiled, looking her directly in the eyes.

She smiled back. “Cute. I see what you did there. What makes you think you would fall in love with me?”

“I’m gonna be honest. I was half in love with you two weeks ago when I first saw you sitting here reading and laughing like you were the only one in the library. You’ve already had me coming to the library everyday hoping to see that smile again, and you didn’t even know it. I think it would take very little for me to completely fall in love with you.”

He continues to stare her directly in the eyes, hoping she gives him…them a chance. Surely, she is as affected by him as he is by here. Finally, Risa replies, “Me thinks the man doth protest too much.” She gets up, beginning to pack her things away.

“No, I’m serious,” Feeling desperate, Martin grabs her arm, gently, hoping to get her to stay just a little longer. “I just want a chance. Let’s get to know each other. If after 10, 20 dinners and movies you aren’t interested—”

“10 to 20?”

“Alright, alright…five.”

“One.”

“Two?”

She pauses, thinking again. “Okay, two dinners and/or movies.”

“Thank you. I promise you won’t regret taking this chance on me.”

“I’m sure.” Of all the promises he’d made, this was one of the many he could not keep.

Being Marked as Safe

2020-01-31T19:52:00.001-05:00

Hello friends and family. I want to start by saying thank you all for the birthday wishes! I can't believe I am already 34!!! If you know me, you know my anxiety and I honestly thought the world was going to end before I turned 14....20 years later, we're still here and I thank God for it.

Things I've should've always known, but only realized in my 30s (take notes my 20 somethings):

1. Anxiety can be crippling, but it does not have to rule your life.
2. It's okay to need help.
3. You are worth more than your weight on the scale. Who cares if you aren't "high school skinny" anymore. Be healthy and be happy.
4. We all have to die someday, don't be afraid of that. Instead, get to know Jesus and let him teach you how to make the most of your life here on earth.
5. We think we are in control, but really, things happen. Appreciate the people in your life and don't let unforgiveness consume you.
6. Love everyone for who they are. Stop holding people to a standard you yourself cannot keep and just love them.
7. Kids are crazy. I've been a middle school/high school teacher for 8 years now...I struggled in the beginning, but now I'd like to think I'm pretty good at my job. None of that prepared me for taking in my nephew this year. 7 year olds are a different beast all together and I miss the alone time I used to complain about; kids will make you turn into your mother before you realize it. I didn't know how deeply Desiree had buried herself into my subconscious.

Now the real reason for this post: Following a regularly scheduled holiday to the Philippines (see pictures on Facebook), all hell broke loose in China. There is currently a virus making it's way across the country. I was forced to decide rather to book a one way ticket to the US, for an undisclosed amount of time, or just return to my apartment and wait it out. I choose to return and wait.

With so much fear and uncertainty, travel is restricted, temperatures are being neurotically checked on every corner, and food deliveries are being stopped at the gate. We must wear face masks when interacting with others in public and hope for the best. I spent my birthday in doors, with a seven-year-old, watching movies and trying to keep busy. It was only day 1.

Honestly, things could be worst. I could be sick and at the mercy of an overpopulated, over worked health care system. I could be dying alone in a room far away from friends and family. I could be mourning the recent death of a family member or close friend. Instead, I am sitting here, sipping tea, and planning to reorganize my home for want of something to do. I am doing fine.

Most importantly, I'm not worried. This may seem like an inconvenient overreaction on many levels, but I am confident that things will work out. I don't feel like the virus is lurking behind every door, or within every mask-less stranger. I don't think I need to rush out of China on the earliest plane I can afford, although, if school is going to be out beyond February 17, I may consider it to avoid killing Landon. I am confident that God has a plan and will take care of me.

Enjoy this song and relax! I am fine..just inconvenienced. :)

Living in China, God has taught me to appreciate the mundane and to expect the unexpected. He's carried me through an explosion, food poisoning, and multiple sketchy meat situations...why wouldn't he be strong enough to carry me through this?

Community

2019-12-24T07:26:00.001-05:00

What is it about jet lag that makes you feel...reflective. There something about your body being completely alert in the middle of the night, while everyone else is asleep, that gets thoughts percolating.

This morning, as I was coming up with my 2020 game plan, I was listening to this YouTube video about courtship and Christian dating. What struck me was this concept of community and how vital it is for believers to exist in a healthy, functioning community for overall spiritual health.

As per usual, I reflected on my own sense of community, and my role in said community. I tend to exist on the fringe of whatever circle I am in. A member, but an emotionally distant member who could easily leave with no real dent being made in the circle. It's always left me feeling left out when I wasn't included in an event, or grateful when I missed the drama of a fall out. Ultimately, it's left me questioning where I belong.

This was the first morning I was able to properly articulate my feelings of discomfort within Christian circles. I am not spiritually strong enough to see myself as a leader or a teacher, nor am I so weak that I feel I am in danger of falling away..I just exist. This morning it hit me that I just don't know where I belong when I am asked to join a community wherein the roles I have traditionally assumed are not needed. Let me explain.

I believe our sense and understanding of community is shaped and modeled by our family. How we understand ourselves and our roles within a group begins with how we interact and function in our family. For the majority of my childhood, and much of my adult life, I have assumed the role of nurturer and mother in my family. To me, family has become a place where I see needs and work to meet them, a place where I offer advice and guidance, and, sometimes to my detriment, a place where I model "good" behavior. Because my closest relationships have been built on this image of me as a rescuer and the image of motherly/sisterly perfection, I never learned how to truly be my authentic self within that context. **I do not think I am perfect, nor do I think I never show true personality traits...I'm really focusing on the aspects of my role within a community.**

This morning, I realized, within a community of people who do not need me to meet their emotional or physical needs (money, food, ect...), I don't know how to relate. I struggle to be vulnerable and open and I struggle to relate as something other than a mother or older sister. In my existence on the fringe of my community groups, I have a desire for more. I want to be a part of a spiritual community like the ones outlined in the Bible. I acknowledge my need for an older female mentor to guide me through Christian womanhood, and I know I have gifts and talents that exist for the sole purpose of building God's Kingdom, but why do I struggle to be authentically myself within these groups?

I have no answers. My game plan for 2020 is to build authenticity within a community that serves God and people. I look forward to keeping you posted on my journey of self discovery.

Dealing with Self Esteem Issues Well into Adulthood.

2018-06-14T02:32:00.001-04:00

Jesus loves you! You are made in the image of God and HE wants what's best for you.

I felt I should begin with that, because I needed a reminder of this singular fact. Especially on days like today when I am doubting myself.

Why is it that we think low self esteem is a purely adolescent concept. I freely admit that I believed in the lie that once you get out of your 20s, and somewhat settled into a career, you would suddenly be able to see and embrace your flaws while growing into this beautiful adult creature who just "gets it". I tell my students that one day they'll stop caring about the perfect duck-lip selfie or stop comparing themselves to others because, on some level, I really hope that's the case. But, let's face it, even as fully realized adults, we have these deep insecurities we never learned to deal with. We've buried them so deep within ourselves, even we've forgotten they were there...

A short list of things I am insecure about (here goes):

1. Being left out of things (coworkers, friends, etc.)
2. The way my students and parents perceive me as a teacher.
3. If I am doing the right things (pick an occasion).
4. Being seen as worthy of love and attractive to men.
5. My body image.

These fears come out in the craziest ways! I get paranoid that people are talking about me. I will literally look at a plus sized person and be like, "At least I'm not that big." Or, if I feel like my coworkers are doing a lot of things without me, I immediately think, "What did I do wrong so that they didn't invite me?" It's crazy! I know it' crazy, but there is some hurt part of me that needs validation from other people. Not need.WANT!

These dark thoughts have even started infiltrating my dreams, y'all. I dreamt I was out with my friends and this new guy I was dating (he may have resembled this new cutie in my life who loves God and has a passion for helping the people of God). Anyway, we were at this party/club just having a good time and then he disappeared. When I looked around, I saw him making out with this beautiful, skinny blonde. My friends, in my dream, were like, girl what is happening, blah blah blah...gassing you up like friends do. I was deeply hurt. I woke up pondering what that dream was about. After talking about it with another friend we both agreed it's just my insecurities manifesting in my dreams. It was as if I, black and fat I, was not worthy of love and respect of a guy I admire therefore I shouldn't be surprised if he leaves me for something more beautiful.

YIKES! How do we overcome this? There has to be better than advice that when you get older you'll be more comfortable as yourself or (my personal favorite) just don't care about what other people think. How do we start seeing ourselves the way God sees us? I'm on a new journey. I want to learn to love myself because I am worthy and I do deserve love. I don't want validation from people. I don't want to have to shorten my skirts and wear less modest clothing in an effort to get a guys attention. I don't want to buy into all of his hobbies to get him to like me just a little bit more. I'm tired of giving up on myself in the hopes of impressing a guy. I want to love me because I am made in the image of God.

Anyway, enough of that. I know someone else out there has the same feelings. I'm interested in knowing how you overcome this feelings of not being enough. I plan to start by finding out more who I am in Christ.

Ayeshah

First post of the new year...

2018-05-06T09:29:00.001-04:00

I'm going to just stop apologizing for being lazy...

The past year has been full of spurts of growth followed by months of stagnation. I'm cognizant enough to acknowledge that it's not because God is flaky. He is unchanging and steadfast. I, however, suffer from a severe case of humanity and am fallible and easily distracted. Let me summarize my 2018 so far:

1. I turned 32! Dang. I think there are about 6 years of embarrassing life experiences documented on this blog....you can read them for yourself...but try not to laugh too hard.

2. I am still single. And contrary to popular belief, that is not a bad thing. I think God is teaching me something about patience and total reliance on Him as opposed to a person. I am a slow learner...I need more time.

3. Towards the end of the year last year, after 4.5 years of fighting the urge, I decided to become a pet owner. Read: cat lady. I took in 2 strays, Jiaozi and Toby, both of whom have since gone to whatever great beyond animals go to when they die. I know it seems I am A) very irresponsible and B) a terrible pet parent...but please don't judge me too harshly. Both deaths were not my fault. Jiaozi escaped while I was on holiday and away during Chinese New Year's and was likely poisoned by a disgruntled neighbor (evidence pending) and Toby showed signs of an incurable cat virus that was going to kill him slowly, so I put him down. This was after months of shuttling him back and forth to the vet for mysterious fevers, severe weight and hair loss, and, the nail in the coffin (figuratively speaking...he was cremated), a week of him not eating. It was a very hard decision, but the best.

4. I commemorated the 1 year anniversary of Anna's passing. This was the same day I decided to put Toby to sleep, coincidence not planned...so it was a day of sadness, but not necessarily the same as a year ago.

5. I have decided to bring my niece and nephew back to China for school at the end of summer. I will go from having no kids, and being an unsuccessful pet mother, to being a single mother of 2. Pray for me.

6. I will be teaching AP langauge next school year and must take a summer course...pray harder.

7. I was walking the other day, completely engrossed with changing the music on my phone that I walked right into a foot bridge hitting my head on a metal pole. It's hilarious now, but at the time I was near tears from the pain (how fast was I walking?) and embarrassment.

Overall, I am excited about where I'm going. I was just listening to a sermon from http://cornerstoneatl.org/sermons/ and felt convicted by some questions posed:

1. How does my Christianity inform my life decisions?

2. How am I compromising the word of God to fit in with society?

It's easy for me to say the things I do well and to want to brag:

1. I am celibate. (Possibly why I am still single.)
2. I try to be a peacemaker.
3. I try to love people.
4. I don't do drugs or drink to the point of drunkenness.

And the list could continue. But God is really working in me to produce something greater than myself and my efforts.

1. How am I letting Jesus change my heart and make me new?

2. How am I allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my steps in life? Or rather...

3. How am I defiantly standing in the way of God moving in my life because of fear?

I will openly admit I am afraid of being seen as weird...but why? When do we arrive at that point of salvation where we rejoice in suffering and proudly live counter culturally? I find that there are times when I don't dare open mouth with truth because I'd rather let someone wallow in ignorance than offend them.

This cannot continue.

I cooked something the other day and seasoned it, I thought, to death. While eating, I was like, why is this so bland? Where is the flavor? I knew I had put more than the recommended amount of salt in it while cooking. This was further supported by the fact that I was downing water at an alarming rate while eating, but I still could not taste the flavor. Then it hit me, this is an apt analogy for my spiritual life. Full of tasteless salt. In Matthew 5:13, Jesus says, "You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost it's taste, how shall it's saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet." (ESV)

Ouch! That's what I felt. It's so easy to get comfortable and to stop seeking God and think you are where you should be. It's so easy to decieve yourself into thinking you are safe and doing your best. It's so easy to think you are good. I am here to tell you, you are not good. None of us are. I don't care how well you keep the commandments and how loud you pray, if you are not doing the Father's work, you are wasting time. So, in this extra late New Year's post I am making a commitment to be about God's business. I am commiting to be salty salt and a weird ambassador for Heaven. I'm not 💯 sure what that will look like in my life, but I do know, God will provide the road map.

Peace and love,

Ayeshah

Changing seasons.

2017-09-26T20:48:00.000-04:00

So, in the last 24 hours, the weather has gone from end of summer heat to cool, breezy fall...and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I do know, my allergies like to have had a heart attack when I woke up this morning. *Secretly I'm planing my outfit/boot combinations.

In other news, my position in life has been elevated. I am now the loving mother of a Chinese baby girl. She's precious: 3 months old, playful and just in need of a good home. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not an animal lover or hater. I'm pretty ambiguous. But she has my heart already. Meet Jiaozi (Gee-Ow Zuh...or Dumpling).

Check her out:

Admittedly, I'm not the best with pictures...but she also isn't the most stable subject to try to get a picture of. I'll post better pictures later...maybe...

She is currently doing this thing where she runs from one end of the apartment to the next to entertain herself. This I think is cute. She also wants to play at stupid o'clock in the morning....this is not so cute. Anyway, we are still a new family, but so far, so good.

I need advice on how to take care of a cat...what toys are best to make them use their brain? I don't want her aging prematurely because of lack of stimulation.

Being a tree that's always in season.

2017-08-28T04:47:00.001-04:00

Hey people! I've been MIA for a few months, which might just be my norm, and a few things have happened.

School started again! Summer flew by! I spent some time with friends and family in the states and regrouped. After the latter part of last year, I needed to be home, surrounded by love.

I may have inadvertently gotten my sister addicted to Catan:

I think this was the first time I went home and didn't want to come back to China after 2 weeks because...family.

Anyway, it was a good summer of being lazy, traveling, SHOPPING, and eating all the foods.

These days, I am in the middle of some life metamorphosis. I'm building a cocoon around myself, preparing to be the me of tomorrow. Ayeshah 5.0 if you will.

At the risk of sounding like every annoying friend you've ever had on Facebook, I'd have to say God is doing some spiritual culling within me. It was while reading Mark 11 last night, that I had to stop and reflect. In what ways am I like that fig tree that was not bearing fruit? I mean, I think I'm a nice person. I think I respect people and spread some laughs occasionally...but I don't think that's the point.

In verses 12-14, Jesus and his group were traveling to Jerusalem and came across a fig tree that had leaves, but no fruit to eat. In other words, it looked the part, but did not deliver. When applying the concept to our own lives, that's dangerous.

I don't want to look the part of a faithful Christian, but lack the fruit, or evidence, thereof. I felt that everything I've done in my life up to this point had been an inadequate display of the faith I profess. I felt that I could be doing so much more. No, it's not about works either...but "faith without works is dead".

I'm challenged to serve my neighbor. I'm not sure what that looks like in my life, but I know it should be who I am. So, in the end...I am still pondering on these things. I would like to say I have all the answers and that I've arrived at my destination...but we ain't there yet. But I DO know, I will be trying (harder) to make them a vital part of my growth. I thank God for opening my eyes to a part of my life I was previously blind to. I pray that God sheds light on what it means to be a servant to all and that I am obedient to listen. And, most of all, I pray that these simple words, written at the end of my work day, can be encouraging to someone who needs it.

Thanks for reading,

Ayeshah

PS if you haven't read my other posts (there are years of material and growing pains on this thing), check them out!

Losing and Grieving

2017-06-08T06:44:00.002-04:00

The past couple of months have been a difficult time for me. Before i get into my woes, I want to preface this post with a disclaimer: I am not, nor have I ever been an overly emotional person incapable of controlling my emotions. In fact, I often get accused of being cold and unfeeling...too logical. My mom told me, when she dies, she wants ME to pull the plug because I'm levelheaded and "logical" and will do the right thing...

I wanted to tell her that I do feel, I just do it quietly and alone. I wanted to tell her, I shut down when having to deal with things that overwhelm me emotionally, no because I can't feel, but because it hurts too much to dwell in it. I wanted to tell her, that I am not the strong, aloft robot she thinks I am, who would struggle to "pull the plug" that officially ends her mothers life...but I didn't. Instead, I awkwardly tried to change the subject to troubles I'd recently been having with Hulu and an email I'd received (in Spanish) from Netflix offering me 2 months free service...even though I'm currently paying them $8 a month.

Truth be told, despite the fact that I found the conversation disturbing, I found myself wanting to change the topic for an altogether different reason. April 12, 2017, I lost a very dear and close friend. She was wonderful, funny, and kind. She took me in like a stray cat and made me a part of the family. It's been almost 2 months, and I still think about the last time I saw her. I still hear a father telling their 3 kids that their mother had gone to heaven. I still see the remnants of a family trying to rebuild itself. And I feel overwhelmed with so much emotion.

Though the tears aren't flowing as liberally, I still find myself filling the quiet moments when I'm alone with a mindless sitcom. Something to get me away from my thoughts...from my grief. I learned a few things about myself that I'd never realized before:

1. I am an avoider. You know those passive aggressive people who don't like to deal with confrontation head on? I always criticized them! I hate having unspoken conflict, I like to talk things out. I never considered myself one to avoid anything! In my delusional brain, I'd labeled myself as someone who faces things head on. This, my personal healing process, has made me realize that I don't deal with things. When something really matters, when something forces me to feel too sad or overwhelmed, I try to find things that drown it out. I must have watched Moana 50 times. It was positive, it had great songs, and in the end, no one died. The trouble with being an avoider is that you don't actually deal with the real issue. Which leads me to number 2.

2. I had strayed away from a life centered around Christ. That's hard to say because I'm admitting that I have lived years of my life in open rebellion against God while telling anyone who asked that I am a Christian. Being this close to death, realizing how little control I have over my life, I was scared of what that meant..and i wasn't ready. I had nothing to offer the creator of life when and if I was called to meet him. This made me reflective.

3. I wanted my mommy. I wanted to just lay in bed with my mother, like a child, and be held. This is a HUGE admission for me...and if you knew me, personally, you'd understand why. There's something unbelievably lonely about living thousands of miles away from home. I'd considered it freedom at some point, but at that time, and occasionally now, it feels quiet. Too quiet. I was tempted to quit my job and fly home immediately, but I knew that was a decision based on emotions and not actual thought. I was afraid that something could happen to me and I'd have no way of contacting my family...no way of saying last words. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to tell them, "Hey, we have no control over how long we live, are we happy with who we are now?" The privilege of living in a country that is not my own had stopped being novelty a long time ago, but at that moment, it was torture.

4. I have some really awesome friends. People who cried with me. People who listened to my story with no judgment and grace. I've comet o realize that those people exist and I don't have to hold in my emotions and wait till I'm alone to deal with them.

I didn't intend this post to be this long, but I do want to end on a happier note. I am at peace, more so, now. I still find it hard thinking about my friend and talking about her to people who didn't know her. I balled over a Thanksgiving picture from a year ago because it was hosted at her house and we were all so happy. But I think that's normal. I think time will make this easier. I am a firm believer that God takes these horrible moments and uses them for good and I am blessed to be able to share this moment, my story, with someone else who may need to read it.

Ayeshah

Old blog/old work...

2016-12-13T20:44:00.002-05:00

Morning peeps! It's almost time for my Thai Christmas Relaxation extravaganza. I am in serious need of some R&R time, it's not funny. I'm hoping to use that time for some spiritual God time, too.

Have you ever googled yourself? I did today and I found an Amazon link to a book with my name on the cover!!! (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01DWSZHUY/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1) I was like, what the what, I'm the protagonist in someone else's story!!!??? It was surreal...but I did buy the book and plan to read it. :) I'm sort of flattered that she either 1. Saw my name somewhere and liked it, or 2. just has great ideas...

I also came across some old poems I wrote back in my college years (http://nikinyte.blogspot.com/). It made me nostalgic, and sad I don't write poetry anymore, but also chatty because now I want to share with you all of my old stuff. I think I need to add a disclaimer, some of it is better than others...and none of it is Warsan Shire, so be gentle....

Also, remember, these are autobiographical (mostly) and some of these were real emotions I was sorting through at the time. They don't necessarily reflect emotions and thoughts I have now...10 years later. :)

Here you go, in no particular order...I'll try to put the date it was posted too:

Thursday, July 13, 2006: "My Biggest Fear"

In the mirror I see your eyes,
your smile,
your face.
Yet, every morning I waste a minute preparing to face the face,
that we,
you and me,
share.
It's not that I'm ashamed of you.
It's just the things you do,
the things you say,
this game game we play.
I'm glad I don't share those dimples or those hazel eyes,
or even your complexion (light-skinned with a touch of sunlight).
No,
I much prefer my plain brown eyes and dark skin;
I don't even care you can't see dimples when I grin.
You see,
Mama,
My biggest fear isn't that I am powerful beyond measure or that with one word I could change the world.
My biggest fear is one day discovering that we,
you and me,
Have become I.
Our completely blended features making it impossible to distinguish between the lies you told and the truth I sought.
The mother I searched so desperately for and the daughter who discovered naught.
Don't get me wrong, Mama,
I love you more than life.
But I'd hate to wake up one morning and discover,
despite all my running,
I had arrived.

"My Resolution"

I know what pain is.
Pain is joy, not yet discovered.
Pain is hoplessness uncovered.
Pain is not being able to relieve a problem, but at the same time relentlessly trying,
Pain is crying like an idiot while everyone else is smiling.
Pain is the deep cute of a broken heart.
Pain is not understanding a certain part.
My dilemma.

I know what tears are.
Tears are pain that have finally been released.
Tears reveal a future tha seems so helplessly bleak.
Tears are the product of defeat and doubt.
Tears are your only way of letting out (pain).
Tears are the equivalent of being lost.
Tears show weakness at all cost.
My situation.

I know what it means to be afraid.
Fear is the absence of courage.
Fear is the beginning of nothing.
Fear is wanting to succeed but not trying.
Fear is ending a life without dying.
My problem.

I know what it means to be alone.
Loneliness is the absence of another heart that understands.
Loneliness is keeping it all in (refusing to show feelings).
Loneliness is death while your still alive.
Loneliness is no one really knowing how you feel on the inside.
My position.

I know how it feels to be depressed.
Depression is feeling pain, fear and loneliness when a thousand people are in sight.
Depression is crying tears in your pillow in the dead of the night.
Depression is wanting to be heard and no one ever really knowing.
Depression is me, right now, and (Yes!) at this very moment.
My resolution?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006: "11:16 @ Work" (that time I was a corporate drone...)

I notice things.
Sitting behind my desk, hand poised to answer phones, eager to greet the next visitor,
I notice the bland look in their eyes,
the obligatory "Good mornings" and "How are yous" we are forced, by whom we know not, to recite each day we step into contact with a new stranger.
A strange face. A no one.
We drudge through the coffee, preparing ourselves for a long day of menial, unnecessary work--as unfullfilling as it is pointless.
And because of this understood assimulation into society, I write.
I write of me, or rather this forced me.
A me conformed to this 5 am to 9 pm workforce of underpaid America.
A me no longer myself, who wants to read and write and write and read to my hearts content only because this is my one passion--my basis of existence.
If the powers that be allowed me one wish, it would be to have the words:

Here Lies Ayeshah Shakir Dean

Writer by choice, receptionist by force

written on my tombstone so that future generations would see and take notice that maybe,

just maybe,

there was so much more...

to me.

Friday, September 01, 2006: "Things You Never Have the Heart to Say Out Loud"

You don't want me to go.
That's okay.
However, just know, that doesn't mean I will stay.
I NEED this space between you and I,
a break from your emotional, overbearing self.
Your self who wants to be apart of every, single aspect of my life
Yourself who doesn't realize, or refuses to believe, that yes! I am your daughter, but I am also me
Yourself who's content living in a small town, down the street from mama, daddy, cousin, sisters, brothers drinking cheap beer out of brown bags (random liquors "hidden" in the trunk of your car).
Yourself who gets emotional when she's drunk
Yourself who never listens, but is always ready to dictate
Yourself who tries to impress me (the child) with every decision you make, as if my word was the very breathe of God
Yourself who, too early a mother, never let me forget that psychologically, you will never be ready
Yourself who's blind (or apathetic) towards the pain you cause those who really care about you, but can never find it in themselves to put up with your shit.
Like me.
It seems that we have arrived at an empass wherein we will never agree
And I refuse to sit here forever, waiting for you to see that all our lives are different dramas we must act out to the end.
My resoluiton: to spend a year away from you, mama,
the tragic heroine by your own hands.

Thursday, August 31, 2006: "Dreaming"

I want...
Honey kisses romantic nights dinners for two basked in moonlight...Violins playing as he stares into my eyes promising me nothing short of a lifetime.
I want...
Saturday mornings wasted in bed, as we snuggle reminiscing of the night we just shared. His hands combing through my hair as we quietly take in the atmosphere.
I want...
The possibility of a future not clouded with loneliness because I have yet to find that one who makes my toes curl at the sound of his name, his voice, his touch, because I know I won't have to look any further for fulfillment (sexually, emotionally, and intellectually)
I want...
To be fat and old and not care what I look like with the lights on because I know he loves me regardless
I want...
a companion, a friend, a lover, a man--SOMEONE who... (breathe)
wants me too

Friday, August 04, 2006: "Fathers and Daughters"

Can you tell me when I loss my front teeth;
Or how old i was when I first went to the beach?
Do you know how I learned to tie my shoe;
Or who I usually went to to kiss my bruise?
What was my favorite animal at the zoo;
Or who was the person I looked up to?
At 13, what did i aspire to be--am I now living out my fantasies?
Honestly,
I try no to dwell on things of the past,
But there are a few more things I have to ask.
Like: Where were you when I was born?
I ask because,
right now,
I'm sort- of torn.
You see,
I don't quite undertand,
how to make a father out of a man,
especially one who can't respond,
to my questions.

"Those Who Can't Afford to be Positive"

You stare as if you know me;
but I'm convinced your stopping at my dirty shoes and unkempt hair--
if you look closer--
harder,
the truth is there--
but only if you dare to approach it.
What, with this damn cold world, and these damn cold nights,
a vacation in Hell would be a nice respite.
Five kids huddling in one bed (of the two in the house) because the kerosine has run out--
again.
Still wonder why I can't grin.
Why I can't bear to bare teeth at the thought of life.
And now you stare at me because my appearance offends your presence.
Because I add truth to your prefect world.
Your damn cold world, and your damn cold---
Maybe you should vacation in my Hell tonight.

"Reflections on Growing Apart" (I have no idea where I was going with this one...)

Come walk with me,
in this valley that we,
both you and me,
have created.
I've long since learned that this world is our oystershell,
pearls sitting, ready for the taking;
making;
I plan to break this cycle if I can.
Don't shy away from me.
I am the same me you knew when we first knew our first breathes of life.
Come talk with me,
I've been gone so long there's bound to be something to catch up on.
Are we so different now to even utter a sound---
that thought alone should be frowned upon.
Don't hesitate to reinstate what once was more than life.
Because, it all turns,
and soon after burns,
remember, I was with you in Rockland.

Busy...

2016-10-14T00:13:00.001-04:00

Hey world,

I have had a busy, full, enjoyable life since last I posted. Places I have visited in 2016:

1. Barcelona
2. Paris (for the second time; I still feel this place is overrated)
3. Pattaya and Bangkok
4. Manilla
5. Various Chinese cities

Some things I've gotten to try:
1. Kungfu
2. Hiking up a mountain
3. Octopus balls (not testicles, but legit balls made of octopus and some sort of batter)
4. Pu Er tea (drinking it now)
5. A friend flying all the way to Asia to visit me
6. Teaching said friend how to haggle at the Pearl Market
7. Fresh Coconut Juice
8. Being a single mother for 2 weeks (with my 4 year old nephew...that was tough)

Things I still want to do:
1. Fall in love (with an awesome man...also, I want my family to stop asking me if I'm a lesbian because I'm not married yet. Jeez, guys.)
2. Finish writing my book
3. Get a new camera (my one broke soon after moving to China)
4. Become a decent YouTube Vlogger
5. Write a screenplay for Kindred
6. Take acting/singing lessons.

That's about it. I felt the need to write a post because I've been MIA for a while. The only thing happening of note these days is that grades are due for report cards; so, true to my nature, I am frantically finishing things I've put off. Maybe you're wondering if I plan to come home?

I am coming up on my 3 year anniversity since moving to China and it's becoming harder to remember the things I thought were weird when I first came. I get annoyed less and am 100% over the initial culture shock. I love my job and the area I live in.

I was trying to think the other day what it would be like to have to return the states. Would I go back into teaching in public schools? Could I? The answer was a resounding NO which makes me a little sad because I love teaching! I find, after a rough start, that it's actually something I'm good at. I sometimes remember thinking back to my pre-teaching, post English degree days when I was against (scared of) becoming a teacher...and I can't imagine why! It's honestly the most fun thing I can think of doing as a job...and it rarely gets boring. You are constantly meeting new people. Each year is different, and each lesson, no matter how many years you teach the same material, changes. The kids change, the way you approach the material changes.

This year, I have even been able to take on some leadership roles (Head of the English department and Chairperson of the International awareness committee)...though I will admit, I sometimes don't have time to think because there's so much to do...but that's why we have soooo MANY HOLIDAYS.

ANYWAY, I don't think I want to teach in the states again. Why? Because it is stressful. There is no trust in the profession of teaching in the states and everyone thinks a monkey could do it (teach that is). The emphasis on standardized testing has created an almost hostile environment where reading and analyzing literature has no place in the classroom, one should be preparing kids to pass a multiple choice exams or placing higher emphasis on reading dry informational texts...because only when something is almost inaccessible, is it rigorous. No, I don't want to endure that anymore.

I love the autonomy that comes with teaching in international schools. We have standards we must follow of course, but my school only does 1 standardized test (not including PSAT and SAT) twice a year...and even then we question the need for it. I fully believe that the students in my current school are learning, I don't need a state exam to show that to me. I see it in the way the express and support their ideas. I see how they are improving...and, to be honest, developing a love for learning is more meaningful than learning to pass a standardized test. I hope that's what I am teaching my kids.

I can't do that in the states.

But what other job allows me to make a difference AND get summers off (though I think summers in the states are a lot more PD focused...)

Stay gold (Can you tell what our 8th grade unit is?),

Ayeshah

When your teacher has zero chill...or...Teaching middle school in China.

2016-04-23T01:34:00.002-04:00

7th Grade Boy: Whoa, Ms. Dean. Your hair looks like a dumpling!
Me: Your face looks like a dumpling.

What lesson did he learn? words shouldn't be carelessly thrown around...or do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

But honestly, I love my job and my students. #nocomplaints.

--Dumpling Head

Dating.....and being your awesome self

2015-04-19T23:52:00.001-04:00

Something happened earlier this week and it brought to mind an issue I'd been thinking about for a while now. It has recently come to my attention that there are some younger guys in the world that are attractive. Now, let me preface this post by saying I am in no way a cougar, puma, or whatever ridiculous animal that describes and women who dates younger men. I am just a normal 29 year old woman who likes men and likes to date.

With that said. a little over a year ago, I mentioned not being able to date a guy who was 25 or 24. As I mature and get older, my views have started to shift and in turn my criteria is changing, LOL. I have recently decided that it's all about chemistry and compatibility.

If I meet a younger guy who has had some life experiences and is able to hold a conversation, about more than TV or work, if said younger guy lives a responsible life like an adult and is not a liability for which I will need to be responsible for, why shouldn't I be allowed to be interested in him without feeling like a lecherous sleezeball. I shouldn't, I should be able to date whom I choose. Men do it all the time. I've seen plenty of men in their 40s date young 20 somethings and no one bats an eye.

With that said, I'm not looking for a child to date. I am a firm believer that experience often comes as a by-product of age....so, the chances of me finding a guy under 26 interesting will be slim...but not impossible. All I want to voice is that i have a right to date younger, if i so choose.

This is a short post for anyone who still in the dating world struggling to make a decision about a younger guy, cause I know you've been there at least once. If he stimulates you intellectually and has a similar life view, I say, Get it! But please make sure he is legal. I don't want anyone going to jail over a pretty face and sweet words. Also, if a guy is not mature enough to have an alcoholic drink with your friends and be an active part of the conversation, maybe he is not the one for you.......

But, damn, don't it feel good to get attention from younger men....LOL

Ayeshah

The headaches at work....

2015-03-27T03:26:00.002-04:00

One of the most frustrating things about teaching, besides the low pay, is having to take 30+ different personalities in one class (4-8 classes a day), teaching them how to coexist in a small space for 45 minutes - 1.5 hours, teaching them the material, and teaching them how to just be decent human beings, is dealing with clueless parents. Usually the last part is the most frustrating of all.

I like my students to gain a sense of integrity so that they don't cheat, or steal, or any of the other dishonest practices. I like them to gain a sense of pride in their work and who they are as individuals, while at the same time respecting differences in the others around them. I even like them to have fun learning.

What I can't stand is for a parent to look at me and tell me they are at a lost...with their 12-14 year old! In my day, I was too afraid of disappointing my parents to even be an issue at school. I know their is no perfect way to parent, but I do think parents should be more intentional with how they raise their child.

I'm not going to compose a list of parenting does and don'ts....but I will say, asking a teacher, with no kids, for advice on how you can raise your child is crazy! Also, when I give viable options and punishments that can be implemented at home, don't have ready made excuses for why you aren't currently taking Tommy's computer away when he doesn't complete his homework. If you have been to the school 3 times in a week to see 3 different teachers about your 1 child....maybe the problem is on your end.

Oh, and when did we allow kids to yell at their parents and teachers? This rude behavior will never be acceptable in the real world, it shouldn't be acceptable in teenager world either.

Sorry, I went on a tangent, but after the week I've had speaking to some parents and students and dealing with the repercussions of allowing one's child too many freedoms and little restrictions, I needed to post this.

Have a good weekend y'all. I know I will enjoy not seeing or speaking to anyone below the age of 24!

Ayeshah

Resume Confession #1

2015-03-23T04:40:00.002-04:00

I am NOT detail oriented. Not even remotely.

Things like hidden object games are not my forte. I see big pictures and I'm okay with that. For some reason, we feel the need to say we like to notice the details when it takes all types of people to make a company flow well. I think us big picture people keep things moving swiftly where the details people would be swamped in fine print.

I'm just saying.

About Chinese scams and life lessons.

2015-03-23T04:37:00.001-04:00

This weekend, my friend and I decided to spend sometime in Beijing--get my hair done, see some sights, have fun--the things you do while on a weekend trip. Little did I know, it would become an educational lesson in the ways of the world.

First, after trekking through Tiananmen, through the forbidden city and the maze that is the busy tourist section of Beijing, we decide that taking a cab back to the hostel would be a nice change for our feet. We waited for about 30 minutes before we could actually get in a cab and when one came, we jumped right in.

Now, I'd like to say the rest of the story ends with us riding that cab to the hostel, relaxing with a late lunch, and then heading to the train station. I'd like to say that this was the most convenient and effective use of my time, but I'd be lying.

This joker, got us in the cab and started heading off, I asked him to turn on the meter to avoid being charged a ridiculous amount at the end of my journey, and he said he would charge us a flat fee of 30 RMB. I was like, okay, I like that price and we went on. then he gave us 70 RMB change, wanting us to give him a 100 RMB note. I should've realized the scam at that moment, no taxis driver wants big notes! They always yell when you don't have small change. Anyway, we were like, cool here, and gave him a 100 RMB note, that was taken from the bank. He looks at the money and says it is counterfeit, we are trying to figure out how he figured it was counterfeit when clearly this is good money. We exchange the note with another and the same thing happens. We argue with this guy for a few minutes, by this time he has stopped the cab and he tells us we keep giving him fake notes so we have to get out. WTF! I immediately wished he would have an inconvenienced day for all the trouble he put us through!

Anywho, we get out of the cab and find a legit cabbie to take us where we need to go and have that relaxing lunch and go to the train station and go home. I go to work this morning, like usual, and at lunch, just a few hours ago, head to the bank to wire some money home. At the bank I take out some money from the ATM and I go to the cashier to send the WesternUnion, i give them the money I need converted, combining the existing money in my wallet with the money I'd just withdrawn, I start signing the papers they thrust in front of you and, within minutes, I notice the bank tellers whispering and looking at me, and I ask, "What's wrong." My teller timidly tells me that I gave him 1 fake note. Iw as like, I always get my money from the ATM, how is it fake and we argue. Long story short, I thought back to that cab driver in Beijing who was making a big deal out of my money and causing me all kinds of inconveniences.

I also remembered 2 weeks ago being warned by a friend that Beijing drivers were scamming people who didn't know better. At the time is was like hearing a story about a friend of a friend of a friend's baby cousin's boyfriend. Apparently, what they do is tell you that your money is fake and switch with with the counterfeit. They then get you to give them a new one and keep switching.....so, they take your real money and return to you the fake identically looking one.

It's frustrating to live in a world were people are looking for ways to cheat and manipulate. I was angry early while i sat in the bank realizing that 300 RMB in my pocket was useless, and soon after, confiscated. I felt cheated and I wanted my money back. I thought about the fact that I had to be back at work by 1:10 (actually, the bank took longer and I was a little late) and that I hadn't had lunch. I thought about how inconvenienced I was because now, not only am i 300RMB short...but I have to wait to sign more paperwork and wait for official stamps that show I was carrying fake money.

But then I thought, how desperate for money must someone be to steal almost $50 from a stranger. Is money so important that you would allow your character to be defined by petty theft. And then I thought, in the long run, $50 is probably nothing to me. Though, I learned to be more cautious and aware, I'd like to think that thieving cab driver needed the money more than I did. Maybe he is using it to take care of his family, or get needed medicine for his daughter who is sick. Hopefully.

Ayeshah

TLDR: Don't make money your god! It makes you respect human life and livelihood less. It also makes you dishonest and just a bad person accumulating negative karma.

P.S. My hair though!

Dating while Christian

2015-01-24T11:37:00.001-05:00

I came across this meme today and thought it was cute:

Forget the cultural appropriation, it ain't that kind of post, I immediately focused on the simple message of the t-shirt. Seven simple words that encompass uncompromising conviction and standards. The refusal to accept, romantically, someone who does not hold your convictions and belief system, seemingly a no brainer, is actually a difficult decision to make. The sad truth is, a lot of potential baes, "Christian" or nah, don't pray.

It made me think of dating as a Christian. As a single woman, living on her own, I'm reminded, the older I get, by well meaning family members and friends that I should be settling down soon. The pressure to "settle" leaves me unsettled and I uncomfortably field their questions and comments.

Let's face it, dating in the world today is hard. People want quick and cheap, without the romance and courtship. They want snapchats and nudes without commitment and wooing. It's a bunch of unwritten rules I either refuse to play by or never learned.

I don't know why, in all my naivety, I expected Christian dating to be any different. It's alarming how many Christians date just like the rest of the world, the instant gratification, the living like we're married without actually marrying. We are often quick to denounce homosexuality, but have no problems having per-marital sex (even writing this, I feel like I'm 14 again attending a True Love Waits rally).

As Christians, when do we decide what we will and will not follow? If I'm picking and choosing what commandments I like, am I still Christian? All of these thoughts (and more) run through my head as I contemplate what I would be willing to compromise on so that I could feel...loved.

Many "Christians" compromise their beliefs to feed "physical" needs, because no one wants to be in a relationship where sex is off the table....or foreplay...or some dirty touching....anything to "take the edge off". The greatest argument for sex is that it's natural and a necessary physical need that must be seen to, like eating. A lot can be said for self control. We aren't called to be people who live by our physical needs. We are called to be set apart and to live for God. We are called to live by the spirit.

But I digress. I think the body of Christ needs to accept some truths. We are not our own. You were payed for with a high price, and for that, you owe your life. If your dating life is causing you to live in sin, take a step back, get your spiritual priorities in order.

The entire post was inspired because of the complete lack of available men who share my convictions. It's like having to choose between staying the course and just saying, whatever, so that someone would commit. I like the idea of courtship and the restraint shown in Georgian/Victorian films. Treat me like your sister...not some broad you want to get into bed as soon as possible.

In the end, it's not about being too slow or old fashioned, it's just counter cultural...and most importantly, it's biblical. Think of how much chaos and heartache is avoided when we do things properly....

But that's just me.

Let me know what you think. I don't care if you disagree, just be respectful.

PS: I am looking for a strong, Godly man, who has marriage in mind and can lead my family spiritually. Christ must be the center of his life. If you know/find him, hook a sista' up.

Ayeshah

Hobbies and randomness.

2014-12-21T03:04:00.002-05:00

HEY WORLD!!! I just down a small hot chocolate from my favorite cafe and am suddenly feeling the sugar rushing through my veins...

Just a quick post to share my life, or to talk about recent events. Yesterday I went snowboarding for the first time ever.....and failed as an extreme sports athlete! Subsequently, I am sore all over today and in need of some serious R&R. But, you know what they say, no rest for the wicked.

Between work, and after work activities that feel like work, there is little time for much else, but I will be sure to post the fun pictures of yesterday's events....soon-ish.

Completely unrelated to anything I have said thus far, but still, possibly, interesting: You may not know this about me, but I really like to make up parody songs in my spare time...or when I'm just sitting around. They may not be good, mind you, but I can entertain myself for hours trying to come up with the perfect line, that fits into a given melody. Take this for instance:

(the water go from) 0 - 100, people, real quick
real quick
burn marks on my right hip.
0 - 100, people, real quick
real quick
I told you not to flush it yet.

HAHAHAHA, so lame. I know. But I was washing my hands and it just came to me. I had to share. It would make me so happy if someone out there, or multiple people, would post some lyrics to finish my song. Anyway, this post wasn't about anything at all, it was just me being silly....and possibly high on sugar. Now to some more mundane things...like making a quiz for my students.

Ayeshah

While I was away....

2014-11-25T03:49:00.000-05:00

While I was away, my home country decided to have a series of race riots. While I am in no way condoning violence or idiocy in anyway, I do understand frustration and the need for rationality and understanding on both sides of an argument. Now, before I start, I want to say that I am as embarrassed and upset about the riots as any American watching the news in another country, or maybe even their own home. With these acts of vandalism, we are telling the media and the world that black people are as dangerous and violent as they have been portrayed and therefore fulfilling every negative expectation that has been placed on black America. We need to regroup and come up with a better means of catalyzing change. It's a deep rooted issue that cannot be answered with a few laws being passed and a couple apologizes, but we have to do what we can to remain above reproach.
I digress....so, I was minding my business, or everyone else's, and imagine my initial disgust and all around distaste when I say this post on Facebook!

Now, because I's so dumb and silly (or should I say sorry), I couldn't figure out how to make windows 8 crop my screen shot, but if it's on Facebook, it's public knowledge anyway. My question to you, reader, is, what is the appropriate response to this? Answer more hatred and, in my opinion, racism with the same? Does that solve anything? No. I don't think it does. But it did make me made enough to write this post.

I will say, we give people more fodder for their news feeds when we react the way they expect us to. I can't change the minds of every person who thinks the decision made in Ferguson was just, but I can say, looting your own neighborhood businesses is not the way to go about inciting change and getting what you want. You set the cause back to 0 and accomplish nothing! Let's open a dialogue and discuss how we can incite change that is lasting and positive!

Ayeshah

Pets and Tears...and family.

2014-10-03T02:10:00.000-04:00

This morning began with a somewhat abrupt Facebook message from my sister that simple said, "Call me." When you are thousands of miles away from home and country and you see those two words, with no explanation, it's enough to at least give you pause. I have told my sister, on more than one occasion, that though I value her message sending time, maybe adding a little explanation could help me figure out the nature/importance/or need of "calling her". But like all independent women, she does what she wants.

Anyway, I see the message this morning and I think for a second, is this one of her I miss you, call home messages, or did something happen. So, I call. Immediately she is in tears and says, "I have to tell you something." I hate bad news, and news that makes you cry is never easily received over the phone, I pause her to prepare myself...of course, I'm thinking my mom has died, and calculating ways to get from China to Georgia in the next 24 hours...luckily that was unnecessary.

After I take a few seconds to brace myself, I say, okay...what happened and she preceeds to tell me that the family dog Pepper, of dubious ancestry, has died and was in fact murdered by a much bigger dog in the neighborhood. I'll admit I was relieved to say I still have a mother, but to have the dog die, though a better alternative, was still sad. She was only with the family for 8 years, but she was...family. My mom, being the sensitive soul she is, has taken it hard and the pain can be felt from miles away.

But what I love about my family is our ability to pull together and make eachother laugh. I was immediately dragged into a hangout video chat with May and Kay (my sisters), each had their phones on speaker so that I could join in the family chat with N, my brother, and my mom. By the end of the conversation, the mood was slightly lifted and we were able to remember Pepper the way she lived, fiesty, small, and loyal.

I don't really know what I wanted to accomplish with this post, maybe it was more of a reflection than anything...but I do know, my family does a great job of laughing through the tears...

Ayeshah

What you should be reading...

2014-06-03T02:05:00.001-04:00

I've been reading y'all!!! I found this amazing coffee shop/bookstore in the Sanlitun area of Beijing a couple of weeks ago and fell in love. If you ever get to go, check out the Book Worm and plan to spend hours there. Anyway, they have a cafe/library where you can pick up books and read. I chose The 5th Wave by Rick Yancey and, admitedly, the book of the book left much to be desired as far as book summaries went. I understood, alien invasion, people dying...but I started reading and chile.....I immediately brought the cheaper Kindle version as soon as the Wifi was available. For the past few days, I've been religiously reading this book every spare minute I come across. I'm torn between wanting to finish so that I know what happens and wanting the book to last forever! It's quite the conundrum. You, who ever you are, need to check out this book! It is beautifully written, appropriately suspenseful, and just good!

Ayeshah

Diets and life changes.

2014-05-20T01:36:00.003-04:00

I must say, the best thing that could ever happen to someone struggling with their weight is to have that person leave their home country, their car, their favorite foods, and place them somewhere where they have to walk...a lot! Admittedly, I don't walk as much as I could, but thinking back to the struggle that was me walking around TEDA in February to the girl who climbed a mountain 2 weeks ago, a lot has changed.

I feel stronger!!!! Yeah, I know, I can only bench press 15 pounds...on a good day, but I can stand longer, walk farther, jog!!! All those little things we often take for granted. I don't even know if there was a moment when I realized the change, I just know change has occurred and I am loving it.

But I still have far to go....

This is was me in February:

And this was today during lunch:

Admittedly, there isn't a ridiculous transformation, but the pictures are showing the right sort of progress.

What am I doing differently? Making an effort to stay active....I try to get in some sort of workout 4 days a week...I have intentions of waking up at 5 and working out, but...I like to sleep. lol,

I've also learned that I get more out of workouts that don't rely solely on cardio! Did you know you burn more calories lifting weights than just jogging on the treadmill? Crazy, eh? But some weight lifting in your regime and see what happens? Don't be afraid of building muscle, women don't build muscle like men...naturally, so you won't look like the Rock! You will, however, build muscle, which burns fat even after your workout.

Eat clean! I struggle with this. It's so much tastier to eat cheesecake than cucumbers, but experiment with different foods. Today my lunch consisted of carrots, cucumbers, tuna, and egg whites:

It was good, I even added a little bit of ranch, just a little, and some salt and paper to make it not bland.

I like using the blogilates website for intense workouts that use my body weight for resistance. Also, use the couch to 5k app to get some cardio in...if you want....

Anyway, I am just at the beginning of my journey, but I am working towards my ultimate goal of a healthier me! Let me know how your journey is going and I promise to update every few months. lol.

Ayeshah

But...reality is, too, real.

2014-04-01T22:08:00.000-04:00

People have a hard time accepting the truth. We create these fantasies of ourselves and other people all the while denying the obvious. If you are like me, you’d rather support your delusion with 1 or 2 shaky examples than admit that 90% of the time, you are, indeed, wrong. It’s not until the paper thin walls of our glass castles come tumbling in on us, threatening to crush our spirits under the weight of disillusionment that we begin to accept the facts…usually.

Why is that? Why do we choose to stare at shadows on the wall rather than turn around and see the world, our situation, people for who and what they are? The truth, or my version of the truth? We’ve convinced ourselves that life must follow a certain pattern, that certain things must be acquired in specific fashions in order to achieve true happiness. We put so much energy into chasing these things, that we stop thinking and just act. We decide to look beyond the glaring flaws and fall in love with the idea of a person, not the person themselves, and kick ourselves in the stomach (repeatedly) when we finally wake up from our dreams of irrationality.

Now, I’m not giving the specifics of my epiphany, I will just say, there comes a point in everyone’s life when we grow up and decide we will not repeat this cycle of stupidity any longer. We will stop reading so much into insignificant gestures and words; stop feeding the daydreams and begin living in the real world!

Lesson Learned: There is always a small amount of ambiguity mixed in with reality. Because of this, people are often hopeful for the improbable.

Rant over.

Ayeshah