Random Thoughts

2012-02-01T12:09:00.001-05:00

I suppose it's possible to suffer from dementia at an early age. Perhaps I have turned into one of those crazy, obsessed old men... Shinning flashlights at stars... Speaking to himself (and answering)... In my youth, and even in my young adult life, I never imagined I would have changed to the point I have. I thought I would at least hold on to some semblance of my twenties, but I am completely different than I was then. We all grow and mature. Change is part of life. To lose oneself and to drastically change almost every aspect of your life and personality, is a little unexpected though. I have turned into a cantankerous, bitter old man, in a perpetual bad mood. I talk to very few people, but when I do, my sarcasm and lack of patience has gotten much worse. What the hell happened to that laid-back musician? Where did my mind run off to? Who replaced my personality with this horrible one? And who keeps spinning the hands on the clock faster each year?

2012-01-27T10:01:00.000-05:00

When you get older, is it supposed to be a joyless existence? I understand that life is no vacation, but are simple pleasures and occasional happiness an unattainable commodity after the age of 40? I refuse to believe that. I get the pleasure of hugs from my daughters, but other than that, my life is extremely empty... There is no more laughter with friends, or even playing music for fun on the weekends anymore. I am living in a limited world; isolated from everything and everyone. I often wish that this mysterious light I've been seeing every night would descend and take me with it. I want to be like Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Even if they did horrible medical experiments on me, it would at least be a change of scenery, and a change from the drab, loveless, chaotic life I currently find myself in...

UFO?

2012-01-24T10:14:00.000-05:00

I am a firm believer in tangible truths. Scientific proof is something that makes sense of the world. For the past two weeks, I have noticed a strange, silent light in the sky. The first night, I noticed it hovering over a deserted mountain range across from my house. At first, I thought it was a star, then I realized, it was too low and bright to be a star. From landmarks, and staying completely still, I noticed it moved to the left, the right, and then up in movements not consistent with any known aircraft. It was so close, you could make out a dark shape around the light. After about twenty minutes, it disappeared behind the mountain. Every night since, it has been in the same general area about the same time of night. It appears to be trying to blend in as a star, but there are no extremely low stars that disappear in a clear night usually. I have tried to no avail to explain this. Is it a secret military experiment? If it is, they are not doing such a great job in hiding it. Is it alien? I hope not. I want to get a video of this, but I know it will appear as a star, and unless you are actually there, it's difficult to see the pulses of light and the odd, subtle movement. I suppose I could video the light disappearing, but that could be explained by a passing cloud. I did manage to take a digital photo of it (above), but it just looks like a red dot. Whatever it is, I am growing more and more obsessed with it. I feel that it's taunting me at this point. I watched this bright object slowly and subtly descend, and change positions last night. Unless you are paying close attention, you could easily mistake it for a star. Stars do not move. Nor do they simply vanish. I just want to know what it is. That answer will probably always elude me.

2012-01-17T08:36:00.001-05:00

This weekend was filled with re-occurring, unexplained lights in the sky…
It was filled with the aroma of God…
It was the inevitable realization that one day innocence is lost forever…
This was not a typical weekend for me. Things have changed in such a way to convince me that I believe in more than I thought I did; yet I trust much less…
It has been a weekend of mystery and of sobering self-awareness.
Isn’t it weird how sometimes the so-called light of “truth” shines on things, revealing them for what they truly are? It's like that stranger in the rocking chair in your dark room, becomes a hat resting on a coat when the lights are turned on. You know in your heart there is no stranger, but the darkness has its ways of convincing you otherwise.
The last three days have had hallow, vitriolic echoes; but the most tangible thing I have taken away, is a sense that the battle has only begun…

2012-01-13T13:45:00.001-05:00

Those nasty little thoughts seep into my head in the still, dark night...
Whispers of uncertainty and doubt call to me softly; hidden... Out of sight...

I scream silently to the heavens for some fleeting sign...
But only silent, dead answers do I ever find...

These damn winter clouds slowly set into place...
Time stands still and seems like such a waste...

I'm always searching for some eloquent phrase...
But lately it seems I'm lost for words these days...

2012-01-12T11:49:00.000-05:00

As I walk this tightrope high above the earth, I notice that my once secure safety net is now all tattered and torn. If I were to fall, there would be nothing to save me. All my heroes are gone, and now it's my turn to save and not be saved. The cold, strong wind waivers my balance as I look down upon an awful end. Am I strong enough to continue across this precarious wire, or do I turn around, and go back the same pitiful way I came? Either way I go, the danger will always be there. There is nothing but my faith and balance keeping me in the air now. I really wish I hadn't dropped that pole...

Hamster

2012-01-09T12:10:00.001-05:00

We strive to find meaning in this so-called-life; usually to no avail. To be blunt, life begins and it ends. Critical mistakes are made, and colossal triumphs are achieved. I watch my daughter's hamster run around frantically in it's little ball; never quite making it to it's aimless destination. This is such a metaphor for life. People seek some sort of direction, but ultimately they are running around in their little balls; oblivious to the massive, untamed world they are so intent on discovering. I think that if they were to ever be released from their balls, they would have no idea where to go. They would simply run under a couch or crevasse where their lifeless, little bodies would be discovered next spring. As much as we want to explore and experience this world, it seems to me that we all really need our hamster balls to keep us safe. To keep our little worlds controlled. To keep us from getting lost under the couch...

New Year

2012-01-06T08:41:00.001-05:00

Midnight on New Year's Eve went by without me even noticing this year. There was no countdown, or celebratory party. It simply was close to midnight, and then it was after midnight. It passed quietly unlike the huge party of last year. I suppose that was for the best. I wasn't much for celebrating anyway. I just hope this year moves along with the normalcy I crave. Life is indeed change, but constant chaos is something I'll try to leave back in that hideous year of 2011...

Christmas

2011-12-16T09:07:00.000-05:00

Well, it's that time of year again. Christmas means different things on different years. This year, it is simply an end of an era. 2011 was filled with such utter chaos and misery, it's difficult to even phathom. As this year draws to a close, I am thankful for my family, and my life. I am not sad to see this year finally go. 2012 starts a new year, and by Christmas, 2012, I am hoping things will be much different. Whatever this holiday means to you, always remember that we are breathing, therefore, there is a chance for change in our lives. I hope everyone has a great holiday! God bless, and see you all next year!

Fall

2011-12-13T10:26:00.001-05:00

I fell from my perch, high above the cliffs of reality; like a tarnished, ornate stone plunging from the sky. Tears streamed from my eyes as my decent became more rapid. The earth was rising up to meet me with great anticipation. I was finally flying. I was flying through the clouds with all my cares drifting safely above me. I was free. Free from all the misery, joy, and complications of love and life. Free from all my obligations and temptations. I was soaring in halted time, gazing peacefully upon a grand view. This was indeed a most glorious exit...

Time

2011-12-08T09:09:00.001-05:00

Debris of shattered memories wash up on this forgotten shore. The ebbs and tides of time, never wavering; never ceasing... Another Christmas day comes and goes. Another conflict... Another war... Peaceful Easter afternoons give way to screaming fits of summer, and the cycle repeats ever so rudely... Complaints echo in our heads of the slow passing of seasons, and then, on our death beds, we beg for one more brief moment. Another moment of that sweet feeling of love, or compassion. Just one more second of the warm sun on our faces... To hear our babies cry just once more... To have our hearts broken, just to still have the ability to feel anything at all...

2011-12-01T18:13:00.001-05:00

They walked in from the blistering cold...

Those faded, imperfect dreams...

Music plays a sad melody, as they stream in... Ever so slowly...

We used to dance and sing before the storms...

We loved like love is supposed to be...

Now things seem dingy and old... Corroded and obscure...

And those dreams exit without a sound...

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T13:00:00.001-05:00

As I look around to watch my two little girls play, I realize that despite this difficult year, I do have things to be thankful for. It's very easy to dwell on the darkness and woes of the world. Sometimes you have to really struggle to find all the good things in life. Thanksgiving is more than the hassle of driving to grandma's and eating in excess. It's really not about the dinner at all anymore. It's a day to be thankful for what we have, as opposed to what we don't have... I am finally starting to realize that. At least I still have a grandma to visit. It's extremely difficult to change my congenital, cynical, pessimistic attitude into a positive one, but I'm really trying to see that glass as 1/8 % full now... Progress... :)

2011-11-21T21:17:00.001-05:00

A little spark of sympathy just landed on my frozen tundra of apathy and indifference tonight. Reaping what you sow has become my mantra; but there is a small glimmer of decency left in me for those who deserve none. No matter how bad and evil you are, it comes down to what you truly deserve. I am not a heartless beast with the same characteristics of those I shun. I have tried to put myself above this fray of violent insanity. How can I maintain my place in humanity and ignore the pleas and horrors of the very creatures I despise? Isn't sympathy the thing that separates us from the evil we so desperately want to distance ourselves from?

2011-11-17T10:36:00.001-05:00

OK... I've tried not to say anything about this whole "Occupy Wall Street" thing, but I feel that now, I have to opine on this situation. I'm all for 1st Amendment rights, but what the hell are these people really protesting? They are really going to camp out for two months on the premise that somehow the people who actually have jobs, and can't afford to camp out for two months, owe them something? They are protesting the 1% of job creators in this country? That makes sense. The fact that this whole situation has progressed into a lawless mob, is troubling. These protests have sprung up in every city in the country, bringing with them, division, insightful violence, filth, and destruction of property. The entire movement seems like a Democratic ploy and distraction from the obvious corruption of the current administration. I am neither a Democrat or Republican, but I have been involved in the Tea Party movement; which was a bunch of citizens with jobs, protesting the size and scope of the federal government. We had our peaceful protests, we cleaned up the area, and we went home. I'm not a big Ann Coulter fan, but she did have a great line about the difference between the Tea Party and the Occupy crowd. The difference was a job, a shower, and a point.

2011-11-15T16:40:00.001-05:00

I go to a certain store on a daily basis. It's a very OCD thing to do, but when I fall into a trend, it's hard to break. At any rate, while I'm standing in a pretty long line with my arms full of salty and sweet snacks, I notice the utter frustration on the guy's face in front of me. He's holding a 12-pack of beer, and is obviously in a hurry to get on with it. The man in front of him is holding a carton of cigarettes, and we are all frustrated at granny, who is holding up the entire line by buying $75.00 worth of lottery tickets. It made me think that each of us in line have our own vices. It seems that none of us has much tolerance for each others various addictions, and did any of us in this line really need any of these items? We concentrate so much on high taxes and occupying various parks in protest of the rich, that we sometimes fail to realize that maybe we all could be a little more frugal. Just a casual observation...

2011-11-10T10:07:00.001-05:00

The landscape looks as if God decided to paint the trees with every beautiful color he could think of. It truly is a brilliant canvas of artwork. There is a certain sadness to this time of year. It reminds us of the ever changing phases of life, and the passing of the precious commodity of time. Seasons are just metaphors for life. Ever changing cycles of beauty, warmth, coldness, light, and darkness. Take nothing for granted. Look outside your window and witness this awesome brilliance, for in an instant, the trees will become bare, and a blanket of white will cover us yet again.

2011-11-07T11:37:00.003-05:00

We are all the sum of our actions and choices in life. We don't amount to much when those choices and actions fail to live up to our moral expectations. Perfection is a fallacy, but striving to be a decent person is what makes us civilized. Musicians play their instruments with joy and mournful fortitude. Poets cry and write their utmost feelings on tarnished paper as artists paint their souls on blank canvases. We lock our monsters away, and our priests pray for our immortal souls. Politicians prey on our fears, and the corrupted only seem to become more corrupt. They say apathy is the beginning of our own destruction. Indifference could be considered the downfall of our fragile society as we know it. Is it a cynic that is merely a realist looking through the prism of reality, or a terminal pessimist seeing only the human debris and darkness of our failed endeavors?

2011-10-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

Things have been up and down lately. Such is life. These blog entries are my vent for letting out my negativity. They are not meant to concern anyone about my well-being or even my sanity. I write this stuff as an outlet. I suppose I could write my thoughts as a Word document, and keep it to myself. (Probably not a bad idea most of the time) But instead, I feel it necessary to share all my darkness, strife, chaos, fears, and madness with all of you. I know what you're thinking.... Lucky me... This truly is my therapy. If I keep all of this bottled up inside, there's no telling what could happen. Being a private person has never been my strong suit. I am extremely public about what's going on in my life to a fault. Just remember if you are reading this craziness, it's just me letting out the demons as opposed to keeping them locked inside my head. Don't take everything I say to heart, my life really isn't that bad. I tend to focus on the problem of the day. If you don't receive your weekly blog entry email for a while, then it's time to worry about me...

2011-10-22T21:28:00.003-04:00

I think sometimes we take lucidity for granted. Aren't we all just a stroke, or head injury away from a life of utter dementia? Perhaps a permanent fantasy world wouldn't be so bad. All the pain of life's memories would fade away, and you would live within the walls of the sanity you create. Some people like to visit lands of altered consciousness, but living there forever may be another story. I suppose there are worse things than living out your days oblivious to the hardened, stringent reality we all have grown to know as fact. Maybe a worse scenario is to soberly dwell in this REAL world until your last breath...

2011-10-20T08:52:00.001-04:00

When it rains, it pours. Last night my 85-year-old grandmother fell and fractured her hip. Since my dad died, I am the only family close enough to watch out for her. This will be a long rehabilitation process at her age. There really is no other option than to have her stay at my house until she recovers. I love my grandma. She is the only real family I have left besides my sister in this world. Please keep her and us in your thoughts and prayers.
UPDATE:
Grandma had a total hip replacement last night. She came through the surgery well, and I think she's going to be OK. She'll be sore for a while, but she stood up with the help of a walker this morning, so that's a good sign.

2011-10-19T09:22:00.000-04:00

The cold, sobering wind whips around me this morning, along with a heavy feeling of dread. A flood of emotions pours over me unexpectedly, and my mind wonders into a thousand directions. A deep sense of depression falls upon me as I realize that things can't go on this way. As much as I dislike change, change is something that must happen in order for me to survive. I can no longer cast the blame on others, I have to accept responsibility for my own rotten actions. I have to press on without my vices, and find something new to hang on to...

2011-10-14T10:16:00.003-04:00

Just when you think you are the most unlucky person in the world, fate throws you a bone. Thank you very much Mr.Georgia State Trooper! You could have potentially put me in the jail last night for my violations. Not only was I speeding, but I was driving a vehicle with illegal tags, and a non-updated driver's license. I acted so suspicious standing behind my car, you would have thought I was hiding a body in my trunk. When your blue lights started flashing behind me, I conceded to the fact that I was about to spend the night with a guy named Bubba, discussing the finer points of criminal law. I'm not sure why you let me go. Maybe you felt sorry for me because I was clearly showing signs of Parkinson's disease. It's possible you thought I had a learning disability because between my nervous stutters, I couldn't articulate exactly where I lived, or who's car I was driving. For what ever reason you decided to not ruin my night, I greatly appreciate it. Consider your (three) warnings heeded...

2011-10-11T10:46:00.001-04:00

I am compelled to take an unknown action with extreme urgency this morning. It's like feeling that you are on a deadline, but you have no idea why. Anxiety in general, could explain much of it, but it seems more than that today, as I wake up late and race to work in the rain. Echoes of the redundant arguments from last night are still fresh in my mind. I patiently await my paycheck, which is already spent. The desire to get "ahead" in a faint economy is strong, yet the money still slips through my fingers like water. Although I am better than I used to be, the safety nets that once protected me are long gone, and I am essentially on my own. Perhaps this strange stress I'm feeling is the coldness of an autonomous reality I'd rather not face today; or maybe it's just me creating fictional fears for no real reason. Either way, today is a weird day...

2011-10-03T18:54:00.001-04:00

I teeter on the edge of losing my existence. The little creatures keep gently pushing me ever closer to the edge. Self-sabotage gives way to reckless abandonment as I inch a little closer each day... I try to point the finger of blame at anywhere but myself, yet it always seems to stab me directly in the chest....