Daily Merde

The Most Interesting Man in the World's CONFESSION!

2013-07-22T12:08:00.002-07:00

Ask Sasquatch via Brian Wilson

2012-07-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

Brian Wilson of the SF Giants brought Sasquatch as his companion to the Espy awards last night. He requested that fans ask Sasquatch questions via Twitter (@BrianWilson38) by using the #asksasquatch tag.

Of course we could not pass up this opportunity!

Here are DailyMerde's questions:

Has Sasquatch ever had a wardrobe malfunction?
What does Sasquatch do when not feeling 'fresh'
When break dancing, how does Sasquatch prevent hair from matting?
Do Sasquatch and Lou the Seal get along? Or do they fight over fish?
What is Sasquatch's take on the economic issues facing Greece and the rest of the EU?
What is Sasquatch's stance on medicinal marijuana?
Does Sasquatch use a cream rinse or an all-in-one shampoo?
Sasquatch do you use a dryer or line dry?
Sasquatch, what happened to Brian's Espy outfit from last year?
Sasquatch, are you really going 'commando'?
Sasquatch, what is your plan to stimulate the US's ecomonic recovery?

We will update when Sasquatch's responses come in.

Do you have any questions to ask Sasquatch?

2012-07-01T11:42:00.002-07:00

Rep. Paul Ryan says that Justice Roberts contorted 'logic and reason' with health care ruling. Then Rep. Ryan's inverview was delayed as he started to cry because his diaper needed changing.

Mitt Romney's New Code Name

2012-06-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

Top Democrats to Undergo Genetic Manipulation

2012-02-20T09:52:00.000-08:00

After listening to the complaints from their constituents, the upper eschelon of the Democratic Party has decided to resort to drastic measures.

"We have decided to follow what some of our supporters have been calling for since the latest Bush Administration." Sen. Harry Reid began, "Certain core members of the Democratic party have started gene therapy to grow some much needed balls."

When asked for comment, Rep. Nancy Pelosi said, "Why would I need those, vagina's are much tougher than balls!"

Rep. Issa to Head Experimental Committee

2012-02-16T23:54:00.006-08:00

Rep. Darrell Issa (R- CA)'s office released today that the Congressman has formed a new experimental committee.

"To help further our conservative, pro-family, anti-woman's-rights agenda, we are pleased to announce the formation of a new committee," Rep. Issa began, "The Committee to Forget Liberties and to Undermine seX or FLUX."

When asked what exactly FLUX was tasked to accomplish, a frustrated Issa snapped, "FLUX seeks the capacity to travel back to the 1950's. Phase One experiments will concentrate on the actual process of time travel. Phase Two will focus on overriding our own 'modern' age and replace it with a 1950's reality."

How silly of us, we should have guessed...

GOP Proposes New Licenses

2012-02-15T14:22:00.000-08:00

In answer to all the current healthcare controversies, several senior members of the GOP locked themselves in a room over the weekend and contrived a new piece of legislation.

Licenses
"You have to have a license to drive, a license to practice law and a license to be an accountant. So why not require a license for sex?" an anonymous member confided to us.

"Think about it... look at all the problems that arise out of casual sex. This requirement would eliminate those issues."

When asked what the requirements for a license would be, he listed the following:

Be a part of a HETEROSEXUAL marriage.

Or, be over the age of 65 (retirees need fun too)

Or be a single male member of Congress.

When asked about the LGBT community, our contact replied, "Let them enter into a heterosexual marriage and they will get their licenses."

Congress Offers Birth Control Alternative

2012-02-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

Amid the uproar over the Obama administration's audacity to require employers to offer insurance for all medical needs, including birth control, certain Republican members of Congress have put forth a new plan.

Free Vagina Spackling:
Offered as an alternative to birth control, this new plan offers any woman the opportunity to spackle their vagina shut, hence eliminating the need for birth control.

When asked about the complications that may arise from such a procedure (e.g. to where would menses flow), a male Republican member of the Committee to Undermine the Nation's Trust in Sex ( or CUNTS for short) had this to say:

We don't like to think about that nasty lady business.

When asked to comment on her Republican colleague's statement, a Democratic female member of Congress stated:

We are planning to ban Viagra and call it the Dick's for Dildo's
Program. Turn in your bottle of Viagra and get a dildo of your choice as a replacement. Makes as much sense as what my 'esteemed' Republican
colleagues have put forth...

Ah, our tax dollars at work...

Washington DC Name Changed

2011-11-27T10:22:00.000-08:00

Congress has decided that the name of our nation's capital needs to reflect what actually goes on in Congress. No longer will it be known as Washington D.C. (District of Columbia), it will from here on be referred to as Washington D.C. -- Developmentally Challenged.

SAG Awards to be Renamed

2011-01-29T22:35:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to stand out from the crowd, the Screen Actors Guild has decided to rename the SAG Awards.

When asked the impetus for the change, SAG President, Ken Howard, denied the reason was because of the impression the awards were for actors who have avoided the surgeon's knife.

"No," Mr. Howard started, "we decided the name should be more of a reflection of the true nature of the award."

The new name is 'The Circle Jerk Awards'.

Angelina Jolie Shocker!

2010-04-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

In yet another unique move, Angelina Jolie has decided to completely alter her life. She has left Brad Pitt and her children behind to pursue her new dream. Ms. Jolie is going to become a man.

"After much soul searching and reflection, Ms. Jolie has realized that her deepest desire is to become the man she always wanted to steal." Read the statement from Ms. Jolie's publicist.

The more jaundiced members of DM's staff think that she has set her sights on a gay man. But, when asked if this was the case, Ms. (soon to be Mr.) Jolie's publicist replied, "No, she isn't interested in a man. The new object of her affections has the initials: J.A."

-A. F.

Persian Rug Boycotts White House

2010-03-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

The White House housekeeping staff has been dragged unknowingly into the US-Iran conflict. After having several antique rugs cleaned, the staff was laying the rugs when the trouble began.

One new rug would not unroll. Several housekeeping staff members attempted to assist in the unrolling of the rug, but it could not be unrolled. The staff members enlisted the help of some rather large Secret Service Agents, but alas, the rug would not budge.

A frustrated staffer, upon a more close inspection, discovered that the rug was of Iranian origin.

New Daily Merde Feature: Polls!

2010-03-15T20:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first Daily Merde poll!

DM is interested in what our readers think, or at least we want you to think that we care... so ... please click the link below to begin this week's poll:

If Dick Cheney were Replaced by a Robot, Would Anyone Notice?
(survey will open in a new window).

New Lawsuit for Lohan

2010-03-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

Litigation loving, Lindsay Lohan, can add another lawsuit to her current list. But Ms. Lohan isn't the plaintiff in this suit; she is the defendant.

In the newly filed papers, the suit claims that Ms. Lohan has defamed the character and ruined the once good name of her former constant companion, Alcohol.

"Ms. Lohan has drug my client's good name through the mud," said Alfred Booze', the attorney representing Alcohol. "It has gotten to the point where my client can't go out into public and has to stay hidden in seedy bars or cloistered in private homes."

Ms. Lohan's representative declined comment.

New Hawaii 5-0 TV Show

2010-03-12T15:47:00.000-08:00

Proving, yet again, that the television industry is one of the greenest industries around, another old television show is about to be recycled. The latest show to be revived is the much loved Hawaii 5-0.

When asked, the producers of the latest 5-0 incarnation said, "We have made some big changes to the old show to help modernize it."

When pressed to reveal what modernizations they had in mind the producers let slip, "It's going to be set in New Jersey."

Audiophile Tries to Get New Toy

2010-03-11T21:15:00.000-08:00

Always on the lookout to find the latest and greatest new audio equipment, Nicole A., was excited when a friend was talking about very high tech and high priced piece of equipment. Nicole asked her friend where she could get this new 'ultra' device; her friend wasn't sure where the item could be purchased but she did know that it was made by GE.

Nicole's excitement only grew when she heard that celebrity Tom Cruise had one. She did some digging and eventually found a distributor.

She didn't quite understand the salesman's hesitancy to sell her the high priced piece of equipment until he spelled it out for her, "It's not a stereo component! It's an ultrasound machine! It's for viewing inside the human body! What a f!%#ing idiot!" and hung up.

eHarmony Hopeful Gets A Shock

2010-03-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

Marc D., a 45 year old research analyst from El Sobrante, CA, decided he needed more out of life. His quest started with looking for that special someone.

After several false starts with cheap sluts he picked up at bars (luckily that is all he picked up, mused his mother), Marc decided he needed a different approach to find the right woman with which to share his life. Marc had heard good things about eHarmony, granted he heard the good things through their television commercials, and he decided to give it a try.

After taking 6 months to answer questions like 'are you a happy person' -- via multiple choice and waiting another 3 months to be notified that a suitable match had been found, the fateful day finally arrived. He received the email saying that there had been a match.

The girl's name sounded familar, which Marc took as a good sign. After several cheery and interesting emails, the newly matched pair decided to meet.

The hopeful pair were to meet at local coffee shop. Marc got there first and was enjoying his latte when his 'match' walked through the door. It was his first cousin Sophie. The pair had a good laugh about their situation and continued to chat.

Their wedding is in June.

Iran's Ahmadinejad: The Earth is Flat

2010-03-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

TEHRAN, Iran – Iran's hard-line and hard-up President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Saturday called the almost universal belief that the Earth is round a "big lie" used by the infidels of the west to hold the rest of the world hostage to their science.

Ahmadinejad's comments, made during an address to Anti-Intelligence Ministry staff, are adding fuel to a smoldering fire between Tehran and the West. This tension is due to cooties. Ahmadinejad says the West has them and the West denies it.

"For centuries, the western world believed that the Earth was flat, then suddenly, when it benefited their twisted agenda, they changed their minds and said that is round." Ahmadinejad said. "How many innocents have been eaten by the sea monsters that roam the edge waters? How many have fallen off the edge of the earth? We may never know; their propaganda machine hides the truth from us all."

Medvedev Not Happy With Olympic Outcome

2010-03-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

After boasting that they would achieve an unheard of 40 medals and walking away with a paltry 15, the Russians are getting a bit testy.

GETTING GRUMPY
After skater Evgeni Plushenko came in second to American Evan Lysacek, Plushenko's people promptly posted on his website that he had won the "Platinum" in Vancouver.

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev was so upset at his country's poor showing in Vancouver that he "asked" for resignations:

"Those who bear the responsibility for Olympic preparations should carry that responsibility. It's totally clear," he said. "I think that the individuals responsible, or several of them, who answer for these preparations, should take the courageous decision to hand in their notice. If we don't see such decisiveness, we will help them."

Russia is due to host the games at Sochi in 2014 and Medvedev wants people to tow the line:

"Without messing around, we need to start preparations for Sochi. But taking into account what happened in Vancouver, we need to completely change how we prepare our athletes," Medvedev said.

But Medvedev's threats aren't just for the Russian Olympic trainers; they are for all Olympic competing countries:

"But don't think that we haven't noticed what the other (competing) countries have done," he said. "How dare they find better talent than we, how dare they display this talent to our detriment. Let it be known that if this type of behavior continues during the Sochi games that we, the Russian people, will be left no alternative but to take our proverbial ball and go home."

Exclusive for Facebook Fans!

2010-02-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

Here is a blast from the past -- one of the things the Daily Merde folks did in a past life... ENJOY!

Empire of One (2002)

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Spoofs | Star Wars Fan Movies

Cheney Gets Heart Transplant

2010-02-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

After former Vice President Dick Cheney's latest cardiac event, doctors decided to replace his defective organ with something more suited to the task.

"This is a rather unique situation," the head of the transplant team began, "in that we are not replacing Mr. Cheney's heart with a human heart. After much research and study, we believe we have come up with the perfect item to replace Mr. Cheney's defective heart… a bilge pump."

New Lawsuits for Twitter and Facebook

2010-02-23T19:22:00.000-08:00

The uber-popular social networking sites, Twitter and Facebook have something new to post about. They are being sued.

The plaintiff of these lawsuits is, none other than the perennial favorite of teenage girls, The Diary. The lawsuit cites willful disregard for tradition, contributing to exhibitionism/voyeurism and alienation of affections as the principal causes for The Diary's decline in popularity in recent years. The Diary is suing for an undisclosed amount.

When asked for comment, spokespersons for Facebook and Twitter said 'officially', "We do not comment on pending litigation". But they were overheard saying, "The Diary can suck it… print is dead."

American Political Offices no Longer Filled by Elections

2010-02-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

In a bold move, the American people have decided to do away with elections and all of their associated corruptions in favor of a new and more equitable way to distribute power: a lottery.

"We, Americans, are tired of the stalemate / status quo crap of our political system. If politicians are too busy constantly worrying about their re-elections to actually get any work done for their bosses, the American people, then we need to relieve the politicians of this undo burden. You are all fired."

"All previously elected positions will be filled via a lottery. All American citizens of legal voting (or age 35 and native born for Presidential elections) shall from henceforth be a part of a lottery pool to fill these governmental positions. And as each term ends, another lottery will take place to fill the position for the next term."

When asked if this was a recipe for disaster (considering any idiot could win the lottery for a position), the response was, "Isn't that the way it is already? Anything is an improvement."

Slow Food to be Renamed

2010-02-22T13:53:00.000-08:00

Foodies beware! That delicious boeuf bourguignon and all of the other lovingly prepared foods are no longer to be referred to as 'slow' food. In an act of political correctness, the Slow Food Movement's name is being changed to "Developmentally Delayed" Food Movement.

When asked why they were changing the name, the organization said, "We just don't want Sarah Palin coming after us next."

When asked to comment, Rahm Emanuel said, "That's just retarded."

Telescope Manufacturers and NASA Being Sued Over Privacy Concerns

2010-02-21T01:18:00.000-08:00

Multiple lawsuits have been filed against telescope manufacturers and NASA. These suits were not brought due to safety concerns or injuries, but invasion of privacy. The lawsuits are being filed on the behalf of a single plaintiff and not as a class action. The plaintiff in the cases is The Man in the Moon.

Mr. Moon, as he likes to be referred, had tolerated centuries of incessant privacy invasions by human kind via telescopes but Mr. Moon's breaking point was reached with the launching of the Hubble telescope.

The Hubble telescope was launched in 1990. When asked why it took nearly 20 years to file the suit, Mr. Moon replied, "Money, pure and simple. It took a long time to gather the funds to assemble a legal team."

"I had to wait for eBay to be invented so I could sell my rocks. Getting my rocks off and to their new owners was another headache."

NASA and the telescope manufacturers declined to comment on the pending litigation.