Real Life

Free Verse: I am

2008-10-27T03:17:00.000-07:00

I used to be someone, someone - me. My existence was for my self for HIM, and for a few who understands me. I had this inability to let people in; I didn't let just anyone get in for I was scared of life - for how it might push me; for what I could and couldn't offer life - for what life might brought me - for what it could make me - because what was underneath my surface was a child - shy, needy and fragile. But no matter how I hid from life, no matter how I took cover; it found me. Ah! Life found me. I tried to resist but I gave in. So I tried to define life - tried to believe and live not to take life too seriously - for a moment though. I had this chance, out of courage, bravery and love, to let someone in - let down my defenses for the first time. I guess I tried to believe in life that somehow for more than six billion faces on the planet he would be someone or I guess one who would accept me and dig deep within me and see a better part of me that only a few could see. I tried to believe in that someone, that he would see me how I see him; he would care for me how i did for him; stick and grow and most, most, I tried to believe that he would love me how I loved him. I guess, that was one of my biggest disappointments in life. I guess I should have sent a notice before I let my defenses down - to take care of me, or maybe to take very good care of my heart for it was fragile - for that I failed. Disappointment and failure to the eyes of the person I love when I wanted to love me back. The light started to fade..

There was a moment I found myself in a crossroad, as if I was destined to be there - afraid, confused, lost and alone. I was off the course. I just wanted that someone to be there even if i did not ask him to or to stay at that moment or to fight for me because I was weak and to be there and to be just there for me ; not because no one else would but because he wanted to be there. And the biggest disappointment in life came crashing. I guess the choice we make define us, define the days of our lives and some choices will haunt us all the days of our lives. Somehow, I am wishing to take it all back - just take it all back. But life got me in my darkest - alone. Life came crashing from light to darkness - regrets, bitterness, fear and depression. My eyes got blinded, I became suffocated, my body, ah my body deteriorated. My heart died. Somehow I am waiting for a comet to strike and burn my hopes in life that has turned cold. And to see the best days of life happened. I am wishing a time comes that someone will find me and save me and will make me feel that everything's going to be alright even if I were on the other side. I'm waiting for the comet to strike and will make me see what life has to offer me.

A few knows that writing and music have always been my escape - for what my mouth cannot speak, what my heart aches, my stomach craves, for what my soul starves, and from what my mind refuses to see. What is on the surface is not the most consequential part of life. At the end of the day you'll see that the most important are not the possessions but the person that you have become, the lives you have touched and most is to come home to someone who treats you with unconditional love - for it washes pain, sorrow, bitterness and regrets.

Who said that pain isn't part of life, but you wouldn't taste pleasure without pain and love without hate. And who's going to hold you and catch you and be with you when light turns to darkness?

Lucky are those who found one - who love them unconditionally, for it happens once in a lifetime.

As for me, I am waiting for a comet to strike!

For some I am evil. But for those who learned how to dig deep within me I am a definition of something what they call kindness. For others my insensitivity kills them but for a few whom I learned to trust and found solemnity and comfort, I am the most sensitive person they knew. For most, I am selfish and stubborn but for a few they see my generosity and my heart with greatness.

Ah! for me.. time will come that I shall fly... well, I guess I have to die to live again...

Reason

2008-10-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

Just don't have any reason to smile anymore..
don't have any reason to wake up each day..
don't have any reason to live..
because you are not here with me anymore..

Just a S0ng for you

2008-10-01T22:51:00.000-07:00

10/2/2008

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

Conversation of Weirdos!

2008-10-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

ytals chuva! pix

love team#1

love team#2

love triangle#1

Boy: sad again??
Me: yeah.. am tired..
Boy: tired of what?
Me: of everything..
Boy: How can you say that?
Me: i dont know.. i just dont know what to do wit my life
Boy: But that's life:
Me: Yeah.. i know.. but i get so tired of being sick.. of feeling sick.. feeling empty.. and things like that..
Boy: that's sad.. im here..
Me: i don't know boy.. i just get so tired.. never saw this coming..
Boy: hehe
Me: yeah.. it is so sad that people would come into my life.. then would just hurt me.. some would try to fix me.. but when they get so tired of fixing me they would leave me.. some would fix me and would leave again.. and that would hurt me again.. sad isnt it..
Boy: dont day that
Me: its true.. right now i sick.. very sick..
Boy: geezz
Me: yea my time of grieving is too long.. cant even forgive myself..
Boy: takes time..
Me: i know.. what if.. just a situation.. im very very sick.. but you dont know.. then my time comes and i'll be gone.. what would you feel??
Boy: dont say things like that..
Me: just a situation..life is too short boy.. i got wasted all my life for someone who did not even love me.. i get so sad thinking about it..i dont even know why he cant love me.. whats wrong with me??
Boy: drama
Me: haha! what if i'll be gone next year.. or this year?

sick of being sick

2008-09-30T05:19:00.000-07:00

im just sick of being sick, sad of being sad.. damn!

Deep Sigh

2008-09-29T01:39:00.000-07:00

I never felt so alone

not like this..

im really really lonely.. feels like dying..
knowing that your are far..

you left me..
i needed you..

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....

Making my way downtown
Walking fast
Faces pass
And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowd

And I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you...

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

EVEN if you turn me away.. i'll stay.. but not for long.. but ill always be with you..
i've love you far too long..

Breakdown.. Burning..

2008-09-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

teARs are streaming down my face..
i tried my best
but i cannot succeed..
i tried to stand up but i couldnt..
i just couldnt stand up on my own..

i feel so tired
i feel so tired
but i couldnt close my eyes
and even if i could..
- i see "that" again.. haunts me..

I felt like ive given my life to waste..
I felt like i've given you my life to waste..
now.. my bones are broken..
my days are all gray..

remember this:
whatever hell we have been through..
it was not a coincidence..
it happened for a reason..

just the two of us..

far away

2008-09-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

im sad..

and i dont know what to do..
i thought you wouldn't leave me..
damn.. such a fool to believe you..
to depend on you..
to love you..

really..

im so alone..

i just want you to love me.. love me.. please.. im hurting.. love me.. love me.. im begging you..

Shake Me

2008-09-18T18:40:00.000-07:00

09/19/2008

im really sad right now..
i had this bad bad dream again..
i end up
waking up..
crying..
damn!

i wish i have someone right now
to hug to..
i badly needing some comfort..
damn!

my head is aching.. super super!
it has been aching..

makes my head much in ache..
damn! damn!

i feel so down..
i feel like going out..
huhm!
damn! that dream again!!!
i wish i never slept!
that dream again makes me sad..
when shall i be free???????

Days Like These

Come
Hold me..
I need someone
to hold on to..

cover me
with love..
with love..

i feel so restless..
i feel so blank
i feel like im going
nowhere
but im trying..

im trying so hard
to fix things
but i couldnt

reverse me!
revive me!

i feel so alone..
Days like these
that i am going
to breakdown..
for I cannot longer
hold onto my sanity
Days like these that
i am in deep sorrow
for the pain lingers
the pain lingers
and no one knows
how deep the cut is...

help me
save me

Christmas: 98 Days to GO!

2008-09-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

its just 98 days to go before Christmas!
Days are really going so fast..

huhm! again.. sad..
Everyone supposed to be happy on that day..
Damn! Another lonely- lonelier day for me..

anyway.. I got really sick for days now..

when i was in grade school
i really love to draw and to write
write poems, stories anything..
just these past few days
i indulge my self into graphic designing..
funny..
that some people appreciate my work..
i mean some did buy my logos
and designs..
i was really doing some graphic designing
out of frustration,, sadness..
anyway,,

what can you say?

sigh!
im really alone..
dunno..
sad
and depress
but no one really cares

"

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive

"
you define my dreams

I'm a broken-hearted person
Complacent and tired
When I've been knocked out of the race
I've been a fool for long enough
To fight it, to fight it
It's in your arms I find my place


I want to lost myself in grace

I want to lose myself in grace
Let your love reign down all over me

Cover me with love

i cant breathe! cover me with love!

Villain

2008-09-13T02:52:00.000-07:00

Scared..

im scared..
i feel so alone..

anyway..
wish i had what i needed to be on my own
but i feel like im so hopeless

yeah..

villain is starting to grow within me..

TO YOU

sometimes I MISS YOU

sometimes i dont..
sometime i wanna love you
but there are some things that holds
me back..
love me that is all that i want..
i know you wont read this..

Spare Me Some Love

2008-09-12T02:18:00.000-07:00

Alms, alms,

spare me some love..

days right now have been so cold..

sometimes i am wishin..

i want you to be mine..
could you please be mine?
please?
i need you..
day and night..
i need you
be mine please?
dont think about it
please
be mine?

dont you know
that i already know how to love
how love
with all my heart
i already know how to hold
i shall give you what you need
for you to be happy with me

i shall give you everything
just be mine..
would you please be mine?

i am praying
every night
for you to love me too..
i want to hug you
when im cold..

be mine?
could you please be mine?
dont think about it..
just say yes..
be mine?

i will love you
i shall take care of you
i will cater you
with all of me
i will treat you like no one else
will..

i will love you..
could you please be mine?
be mine? please?
please?

State of NoWhere

2008-09-12T02:08:00.000-07:00

i feel so lost..

YEAH REAlly..

I got sick..

headache..

damn!

feel so lonely especially right now..

its been raining so hard..

and i feel so lonely and alone..

He hated Me

2008-09-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

09/11/08

It happened last saturday..

I had no place to go
so I called someone to give me the number
of a friend (we used to be very close *like we used to be together everyday or we used to talk everyday, i spent my time talking to him and he listens..he was "kumag" * but things happened and we had our ways separated)
so then..

a friend of mine gave me his number again..
i called him.
like this:
hey, I have no place to stay can I stay at yours?
then hastily he said yes!
wow..
haha!
so he asked to wait for him after his class..
so i waited..

i waited,,
then he came..

he was laughing..
there was no awkward moment or anything..
it was like nothing changed...

so I asked him to take me to an eatery or something because I was kinda hungry..
I was really starving.. huhu.. what a?
I end up eating at the "kan2nan" - we used to eat there

he had a talk..
as in..
i dont know..

he made me laugh so hard
even though i was really at my wit at that time..
he told me that he wanted me to stay at his place..

but i refused..
of ** someone offered a place for me to stay..

he was sad..because he was insisting for me to stay at his place..
anyway..
we talked for life hours..
hours..

and

he dropped me by at Macdonald's near at the place where I stayed for 2 nights..
- as we were walking he held my hand..*everything' s gonna be okay i'm here*

he said..

that time I realized that he still feels for me..

weird eh?

Nowhere to Land

2008-09-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

I used to have everything..

right now I have nothing..

huhm..

" wish i had what i needed
to be on my own
cause i feel so defeated
and im feeling alone..

it all seems so helpless
and i have no plans
i'm a plane in a sunset
with nowhere to land"

my head had been aching the whole day..

tonight.. i hope i can have some place to stay..

Starving

2008-09-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

I'm really starving right now

homeless me..

sick me..

damn..

hahaha!

I wonder where shall I go ayt now?
hmm..
I'm like those beggars out there..
much more decent because of I have better clothes..

I feel so useless and something..

SOmebody give me some love..
some food..

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

NPA

2008-09-03T22:27:00.002-07:00

09/04/08

I dont know where to go..

im a nomad..

how sad..

10 Things I wanna do
1. go to baguio
2. see the sunrise on a beach
3. see the sunset
4. food trippin
5. eat some strawberry ice cream
6. a picnic (like what i see on tv, typical ideal picnic, layin down heads up on the sky.. wow..
7. ride a kalesa
8. ride on exciting rides! things that will make my stomach hurt, make me goosebumps
9. sleep over
10. extend my time.. rest for a while

Suppeeer Doopppeeer Sad

2008-09-03T00:48:00.000-07:00

09/03/08

Huhm.. there are days like this.. that I feel so alone.. I am alone.. but worst..

thats why I'm just writing it out..
sometime sometimes..
i wanna run away from everything..
but i dont know where to go..
I wanna run to the mountains..
hoping my burdens will disappear..
hoping this depression which has inflicted me will disappear..
i dont know..
someone out there please help me..

"Love shows up in all forms,
even very small and cheeky forms,
it has never been a model,
it could be the dullest and boring form...
flowers, and romantic moments are only used
and appear on the surface of the relationship.
Under all this,
the pillar of true love stands...
and that's our life...
Love, not words win arguments..."

please..

BlackOUT : 'til then..

2008-09-01T01:44:00.000-07:00

I know you will not be able to read this..I just want to get this off my chest..

I was always there for you, the time you needed me..
and when I needed you to be there for me, you left me..
but I have forgiven you..
but this time..
You are far away..
dont know why..
You are whole and I am shattered..
my life has bee a struggle everyday..
your life is smooth..
You are tired not because of pain caused by that mistake,
You are tired because of me, because of my punishment..
and I am tired not because of you..
I am tired because of that damned mistake I did..
I'm the one who's paying that mistake..
isnt it should be the two of us?
you need not to suffer the way I am..
but just catch me when I could'nt stand no more..
but i felt so alone..
you are far away..
I'm lost..
damned lost..
and you are not..
youve been great even those things happened..
i have been so damned..
i am alone not because i wanted to..
but the person who catch me when you left me..
had to leave me because of that damned mistake..
and until now it hurts..
it hurts because i never wanted to be alone..
dont you know how much I am hurt?
do you know the feelin of someone was there for you..
taking care of you..
then all of a sudden he had to leave because of that mistake?
and I was hoping then that you could save me the way he did..
but you are too far,,
you ask me why do I get so wasted?
I didnt want to..
but my guiles, my guilt every damn day kills me..
I cry myself to sleep..
always pretend that my days are fine..
getting drunk is my way out
puffing is my way out..
because I couldn't face my shattered life..
i go to different places.. hoping for a while I could forget..
I used to erase those memories..
but it came to my mind again..
i could not..
I could not..
I hate my self for being stupid..
for being foolish..
I hate myself for everything
i hate myself for giving you so much..
I hate myself for being stupid! Really really stupid..
I hate myself for what I did..
every damned day I am still wishing I could have made a right decision
stupid me!
and being wasted is what i deserve..
being sick is what i deserve..

sometimes I am wishing that you could have treated me much different..
you could have shown me much much of what I needed..
because that is all that I want..

right now..
I just want you to give me what I need..
give me what you have not given me..
give me like how I given such to you..
help me and fix me..
be my guide
damned I'm lost..i could not breathe anymore..
i could not breathe..
help me..im scared..
I'm sorry if there's anyway I did hurt you..
I never wanted to..
I've hurt so many people.. damn!

Please me..
Love Me..
Help Me
Forgive me for What I have done..

And I shall love you with all of me again..
when I am already fix..

im fading away like a crying child..

Sing This Song

2008-08-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

wish I had what I need
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone

And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land

And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

It's my birthday tomorrow
No one here could now
I was born on Thursday
22 years ago

And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy

Let me know that You hear me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
And let that be enough

Closing Time

2008-08-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

I am hoping that this would be not my last post..
i'm very sick..

i need to rest for a while..
i hope I could get back..

if i'll not be able to post again.. then it means that my sickness got me..
-----
I'm alone right now
maybe because I need to do some reflection..
with my life...
tired..

things have to be fixed..
but i don't know how..

life is unfair..
the one that gives more..
is the one being left behind.. =(

how shall i fix everything?
when I dont even know where to start...
no one is there for me to catch me..

Goodbye

2008-08-28T02:07:00.000-07:00

08/28/08

It's late..

i'm goin' home..

I just wanna go home right now and cry..

i'm really really depressed...

hell..

I think i'll be fainting..

Im so Blue

2008-08-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

08/28/08

I cut my hair today.. I'm really depressed..
I fell so alone..
really..
i'm alone..
nobody cares!

damned! Please shoot me!

with engr. escoto picture taken just a while ago..
pretending im fine..
after i cut my hair..

I'm so sad..
nobody really cares about me anymore..

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here

------
am i still tough enough?
feels like i'm wearing down
is my visciousness
losing ground?
am i taking too much
did i cross a line
i need my role in this
very clearly defined
i need your discipline
i need your help
i need your discipline
you know once i start i cannot help myself

------

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

Its just Me, Bitch - Torn

2008-08-26T20:20:00.001-07:00

My head had been aching so bad..
that i just wanted to bang my head on the wall..
I was resting for a while..
just had the time to drop by..
i really feel like im dying
shit!
i really feel so fucked up!
shit shit shit!
i'm really alone..
i dont know whom to talk to..
my family doesnt even want to speak to me
im fucked up!
pretty fucked up!!
do you feel me???
shot!
Somebody please shoot me!
Please!
someone out there please help me!!!!!
i really feel so damned!

they say that the person who will love you unconditionally(more than anything else) comes only once in a lifetime.. and when you let that person go... he/she may not come back anymore...so don't ever let that person go.. sometimes it would be hard to hold on.. but never let go.. because you'll regret..

sing this song

I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's worst

I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried
And I'm sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again (tryyy)
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed
When it come to loving me he's worst

this song makes me sad.. though..=<

i had no one to talk to right now..
thats why im just puring my heart out..

ADD

The Life Is Dead: Signinf OFF

2008-08-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

08/23/08

They say that death is part of living..
so when your dead your are still living..

..