& as of now..

For Jonathan.

2012-02-07T03:10:00.002-05:00

Three years.
I can hardly believe it.
I find that I don't have much to say.
But I miss you.
And I know you know this.
But I knew you'd know that.

For the past year, this song feels
like it was written for you.. for me.

..And I truly couldn't have said it all better.

Lyrics:

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for relief

You gave it all, gave into the call
You took a chance and
You took a fall for us

You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully
You taught me honor, you did it for me

Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me my love

Now I am strong (Now I am strong)
You gave me all
You gave all you had and now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you

You took my hand added a plan
You gave me your heart
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly
Did what you could release

I know you're pleased to go
I won't relieve this love

Now I am strong (Now I am strong)
You gave me all
You gave all you had and now I am home

My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, I'll be with you

Death threat. (part 1)

2012-02-05T23:30:00.005-05:00

I dreamt that I killed her.

She came knocking on my bedroom door
to tell me she wanted to talk.
Her words earlier had scared my good nature.
I was ready for combat now.

She placed her hand upon my door knob.
Turning it. Finding it locked, she knocked
upon the wooden frame once more.

I rolled over in my sleep, thinking I'd heard
her outside my doorway.
She had woken me.
I disliked her already, but now I loathed her.

I opened my eyes in the darkness.
Scrubbing away the sleepiness, I reached
for my lamp.

"I know you're in there. I heard you come in."

She was pounding on my door now.
I was quickly losing my temper, if it had not already
disintegrated from her waking me.

My tolerance was wavering, thin and corse.

"Come out now. We need to talk."

I reached for my dressing robe.
"Oh really. So you can harass me some more!
I think not. Your vile. I will report you to the tenant
and then I shall call the police. Leave me be at once!"

"Come out now! I demand that we talk." she screamed.

"If you don't leave me door now, and not speak to me until
I am ready, then I'll just skip the other steps and call now.
Get the hell away from me you stupid girl!"

I yelled. Yes. It came out. I had bottled it in for months now.
It felt good to say it.

"You wouldn't." she spoke.

"Test me. I can't stand you. No one can. You're fucking mad and I'm
so sick of your ridiculous antics. Go away now. I'll not have this conversation
any longer. If you say one more remark, I'm calling. I'm holding the phone now.
You just try me on it!" I exclaimed.

"Bitch. I'm going kill you in your sleep! You're a cunt. I hate your fucking
guts and I hope you die before I get the chance to do it! I'm going to smear
your blood on the walls of this apartment. You just wait!"

"Dialing now! You better believe it and get your shit as far away as possible.
They'll come and get you for that." I said. ".. Or I will", I thought.

The shores side.

2012-01-29T14:30:00.001-05:00

What is it that I have to wait for..
and then again, I know your heart speaks true to my own.

Brushing shoulders with deaths cousin,
I would like a means to this end.

Judge on to ones self.

Leave be the troubles that have followed you here.

We are all chiseled stones in an endless, dark pond.
Let's not float too far from the shores side.

The second time around.

2012-01-24T20:17:00.012-05:00

'Curls starting from the fine lines of a collar bone.
Trickling down through a turbulent sea; the waves of
of black and gray crashed down upon the white coast.'

She scribbled the words into her diary.
Poetry. Reminiscing. Story telling. Fables.
Staring at his photo, she knew she missed his presence.
She knew it without thinking it.

Feeling the cold sea breeze, she tightened the quilt around
her shoulders. The storm was brewing something fierce.

Anchored down by metal weights, the rains
seems to be intensifying.

"Whatever shall I do?" cried out her tattered soul.

"I am but a mere girl, fragile in foundation, talisman to no one.
I shall be forgotten with no footsteps left behind. I weep! I can
scarcely tremble at the thought of being nothing, as it seems so realistic."

The wind howled through the cracks in the old lighthouse.

He had dressed mighty fine for such a wicked evening.
And then he was gone.
To the sea.
To the stars.

The boats swayed off in the distance.
Twinkling lights shifting from spot to spot upon the horizon.
There would be no rescuing for their souls this frightful night.
And that was so for her knight.
Into the boats.
Into the darkness.

"May god have mercy! If there is a god, maybe he only listens to those
whom believe, or at the very least, claim to do so", she thought with tears.

The wind picked up. Tossing the waves over the base of the stranded lighthouse.
Screeching and whistling, she thought she heard the wind whisper..
"love is better found the second time around."

Hindrance multiplied.

2012-01-23T18:51:00.004-05:00

Twisting in my thoughts,
I've harbored enough trouble for us both.

I say things violently fast.
I'll watch my tongue, and hope for the best..

Filtering my heart, my actions say nothing for
my lonely love.

Your a little too close and I'm a little too shy.

The shades of gray are forever polluted by
my brilliant eyes; I see you for what you are.

Blinded together, by this unifying
frustration.

You love one. And I love another.
You love some. And I love none.

Bonded together, by this unifying
compulsion.

Repulsion.
Exhalation.
Affection.
Reverberation.

You've come full circle while
watching me walk backwards.

My mistakes speak louder than
my courage to correct them.

But it was only a hunch.
And we were both only fools.

Cinder-soot.

2012-01-13T02:26:00.006-05:00

Beautiful heart.
'Twas all a glow.

Circling the floor
in one fowl swoop,
trailing behind in a
beaded whirl.

Thine smile shone
above all else.

Beautiful heart.
'Twas all a show.

Flustered in ye cheek,
scurrying out thy gate.

Thine eyes melted in tear,
whilst time doth spell upon
the midnight hour.

Beautiful heart.
'Twas all a whoa.

Protesting in spirit,
thy soul stood strong.

'Tis a moment too slow,
wishing for thy liberty
by the dust of morn.

Beautiful heart.
'Twas all a faux!

Waiting afoot thy stone steps,
standing proud, a tall, fine fellow.

'Twas worthy of a wait,
for thou is but a certain dream.

Arms and legs or fins and wings.

2012-01-13T02:03:00.005-05:00

"You'll rise above this sea of doubt."

Curling his grip around my forearm,
he pulled me up above the sorrow.

"I wouldn't let you founder.
This storm is not strong enough to
break your spirit."

The waves washed over my body, but my
head was stationed above the caps.

Seaweed wrapped around my legs, pulling
taught upon my strength.

He spoke once more.

"I'll not let you perish..
Even if you would allow it."

My voice was stolen.

I blinked out the salted sea from my eyes.

No figure took shape before me.

My heart was stolen.

I gave way to the force of the tidal burst.

He showed me death and said,

"this is how you know your alive."

Touching the sanded landscape, I saw safety
in tiny grains and shelled pebbles.

"But when will I learn to walk again?"

My voice squeaked.
His voice boomed.

"You did this alone. I merely watched.."

Closing my eyes to the sound of his voice,
I knew not of the truth.

But,
I knew I was breathing.

Wet and chilled, but I was breathing.

What was that?

2012-01-12T01:46:00.007-05:00

I live between concrete walls.
Breathing mold, and eating rust;
I shift in an out through the
plastered slab.
Scaring some and fearing none.

I live between the pillow plush.
Feathers poking out awkwardly,
I laugh and I jest.
Coming home drunk, throwing down
in a rush; Oh, that hurt?
But you're such a little lush.

I live between an oak wood door.
Swirling around the age lines of the trunk,
I make faces at the guests.
You think you're seeing things,
but in truth, you are.

I live between computer keys.
Peeking out just as you sneeze.
You thought you saved that document,
but you blinked on the dust.
Goodbye; restart.

Painting.

2012-01-04T14:16:00.008-05:00

Up and down, up and down -- her arm began to tier from dragging the paint roller.
The flaking bits of dry cement fell on to the gunmetal gray bed sheets.

"Shit. I knew I should have moved the bed further away from the wall." she thought.

Moving slowly, Hannah tried to replace the paint roller into its tray.
Staring at the dollop of ivory paint that landed on the carpet, she couldn't
hide the frustration that exploded on her face.

Turning around on the small ladder to face her boyfriend, she yelled "Kieran!"

Kieran swiveled around on his heels, facing Hannah with bulging eyes.

"Yes, lovely?" he asked, cautiously.

"I can't do this! I just dropped a huge chunk of white paint on the dark carpet.. The same
carpet you didn't think was necessary to cover. I'm messing everything up! I'm terrible at
all this house fixing crap. I'm not cut out to do anything."

Hannah burst into tears, holding onto the ladders hand rail.

Kieran put down his paint roller and walked over to her side.

Trying to brush the hair off of her tear-filled cheeks, Kieran whispered softly into her hair,
"Come down from there silly. Let's have a bit of lunch."

"Look what I've done though." Hannah said, lifting her head enough to remove her
arm from the ladder railing to point at the paint splotch.

"I don't care about that." he smiled softly.
"It's an easy fix. Besides, you said you hated carpet, so let's rip it out and tile
the whole place."

"Really?" she said, lighting up fractionally as she cuffed her wet face dry.

Kieran huffed out a sigh while cracking a delicate smirk. "We minds well go all out
if we're gonna do this right the first time around."

"Okay. But I just don't think I can do this painting anymore. I can't even make
a straight swipe on the wall. I'm terrible at this.." whimpered Hannah.

Reaching one arm around her waist and the other under her bum, Kieran
gentally brought her down from the ladder. He held her tight to his chest as he
walked over to the empty bit of carpet in the middle of the living room. Slowly
going down on his knees, he put her down next to him on the floor.

"It's ivory, by the way. Not white." he smiled at her.

"Huh?" remarked Hannah.

"You said white paint when you pointed at your mess. But it's ivory colored."

"Yeah, your right. After all those swatches, you'd think I'd remember."

Looking at her feet, Hannah asked, "what's for lunch?"

Kieran reached his hand out to lift Hannah's face towards his gaze. She complied with his
soft movements.

Hannah's eyes were still moist with emotions as she blinked aside more tears.
Looking each other square in the eyes, Kieran ran his thumb along her jaw bone
until he reached her lips.

"What's for lunch you ask?" he said softly.

Leaning in to her pouty lips, he held her jaw up to meet his kiss.

"You." he whispered into their kiss.

Currently.

2011-12-31T16:10:00.004-05:00

Whispering hearts wander ever so loudly.
But if you're too consumed, the best will pass you by.

I miss the quieter times.
Ghosting through life, without a worry.

Maybe I deserved this aching hole in my heart.

The little things are all that count.
Small smiles, simple laughs, happy eyes.

Loneliness seems to be the essential human condition.
We come into this world alone, and thus, we leave it alone.

I want to feel my smile last.
I want to know my laugh is true.
I want to see through happy eyes.

How does one find that once it's lost?
Have I become ruined?
Am I so rotted that no joy can grow from my heart?

Swollen in sorrow, silently.

Needing a good cry;
A good hug;
A good kiss;
A good smile;
A good heart.

Needing love, like I never knew existed.

Noticing.

2011-12-30T00:55:00.004-05:00

Detaching myself from the day.
I haven't found meaning in music
for months now.
It all sounds the same.

Detaching myself from the moment.
I haven't found pleasure in company
for months now.
It all fades into the background.

I can't feel myself.

Floating like a feather, I don't mind.

I worry that my voice is as detached
as my heart.

I can hardly remember what my joy felt like.

I love fiercely, but the flame seems to be dwindling.

What does it all mean?

Untreatable, unexplainable, undesirable.

Widowed to my own faults.

Detaching myself from this place.
I haven't found happiness in myself
for years.
It all seems pointless.

Crystallized to the bone..

Shimmering until dropped.

Snowed in. (part 1)

2011-12-09T14:14:00.006-05:00

The frosted window panes would not shift. Yanking and shaking, they were set in their place. She took her gloves off swiftly, thinking that the traction of fabric mittens on iced wood was all wrong. Throwing the small gloves over her shoulder, she put her bare flesh to the frozen window.

"FUCK!" she yelled with chattering teeth. The glass and ice were colder than she had anticipated.

"Why are you still trying to open that fucking window? It's clearly not going to happen."

She turned around slowly with a heavy flick of her chin. Staring him down with sarcasm, she suddenly wished he had stayed with his wife this weekend.

She said behind gritted teeth, "Darren, unlike you, I actually need to breathe."

"What ever the fuck that's suppose to mean. So I don't need fresh air either?" he rolled his eyes while leaning into the door frame near by.

"Maybe you're some super natural being that doesn't need air, since you don't want to make this process any easier by helping me. I can't think of anything else as to why your being such an ass." she said, twisting her words with her accent.

She looked back at the window, only seeing cracks of blue sky peeking in through the top of the pile of snow. Their cabin had been surrounded by the avalanche yesterday evening. Rescuers had yet to reach them this high up on the mountain top. Their electricity was shot, their luggage was still in the car, which too was somewhere underneath the snow bank. The firewood was outside of the house, buried underneath the snow so they had ripped the sheets on the bed to keep warm.

Meaghan, Jonathan, Shayna.

2011-12-06T23:46:00.004-05:00

In truth, I had ulterior motives.
Twas much easier to drift away
than to say my farewells.

I found your death a surprise.

Starting anew, I let go of all
that I was holding on to.

Three hearts that I once did love
are no more than ash, now.

This is weariness new. I have not been
so unsure of where to go than I am now.

I let go.. but I'm not sure if it was
the right thing to have done.

Three young lives.. torn away from
those whom loved them.

I do not suffer alone in this pain, though
no one speaks about it.

None knew of one another, but I did.
I knew them all; to their blood and bones.

I saw life in death and
I saw courage in defeat.

Screaming in our silence, we break
over the foolish plight of the
minor woes and sorrows of others.

Once said.

2011-12-06T23:32:00.006-05:00

A wise word was once said to those who listened.

A gentle thought was passed to those who cared.

A subtle extension of compassion was shared to
a soft and bleeding heart that needed the comfort.

Wrecking havoc on her trembling soul, the words of
a kinder time reminded her that it was possible
to be whole once more.

Shifting in silence, the chaos was but temporary
in the grander scheme of all that was to come.

A truth was spoken into her existence; holding on
to what she knew to be well and right within all
things that once were and soon to be.

Skin of the night.

2011-11-18T01:59:00.012-05:00

Standing in the dim hallway, she looked at the mirror on the back of the door. Watching as the blood trickled down her thigh, she tilted her head to the side and blinked. Her hand was steady with the razors light weight in her right palm.

The blood droplets reached her knee cap and twisted around to the front of her calf as it strolled down her leg.

Her gaze was profoundly blank.

Her naked body was frail. Skin of the night. Moon light white.

Her heart beat but she could not feel. Her eyes blinked but she could not feel the tears falling from her cheeks. Her nipples were taught from the cold but she could not feel the nights chill.

A symphony of music harmonized in her mind. Left on repeat, she watched as more blood fell from the slice on her inner thigh. Her ears rang in suspense as she waited for the tune to cease.

Her gaze shifted down to her breasts. She lifter her free hand and touched her hard nipple.

Dropping the razor, she turned her back on the cracked mirror in the hallway. She walked towards the open window of her bedroom. Reaching for the lace curtain, it reminded her of a girl she once knew.

There was a reflection of someone she once recognized. Thinking there was someone standing behind her, she turned around to inspect the scene. Nothing but a small trail of blood to where she now stood.

Looking through her wardrobe, she found a black pencil skirt and white blouse. She dressed swiftly. It was pitch black still, which suited her just fine. She left the hallway in darkness with her keys in hand. Windows down, the night drive was mildly enthralling.

Feeling the draft, the breeze smelt fresh and crisp.

She walked through the front doors of a large glass building.

"Morning Jewel. How was your weekend?" said the security guard who's name she had never known.

"It came and went. Thanks." strolling by as if walking on a cloud, she smiled softly in the middle aged man's direction.

He smiled back with kind eyes. He meant well in his heart.

Reaching the elevator, she pressed the button for the 6th floor. The bronze metal shut her inside and she saw her reflection in the doors.

A dark red streak ran down the length of her leg from her upper thigh. Staring forward, she blinked. Tilting her head to the side, she thought about her weekend.

Stars and Butterflies.

2011-11-05T01:04:00.005-04:00

Simple questions do not rise quite so easily.
The tongue is bound when words won't suffice.

Where do butterflies go when the stars come out?
I have played in the rivers at dawn as the birds guide my hopes and fears with their chirping cheers.
Have you not noticed that the butterflies go elsewhere when twilight is upon us.

Do they sleep as a kindred soul would delicately rest?
I have but a few quires of which no one has the answer to.

Could it be that all hearts bare the burden of a missing key.
Is it our endless nature to seek out what is to make us whole.
Or, do we find these neglected desires due to our own misgivings.

What is the purpose of this unknown thought!
I am but a dropplet in the pool of hearts that wish to know the truth.
For centuries, we have sought answers to Aristophanes laughter.

Porcelain spirit.
What more can one harbor?
Dare I say that this seems to be an indefinite ache.

Fraya.

2011-09-28T00:48:00.002-04:00

That humming in the back of you skull- that vibrates down your spine to the base of your neck.

That soft and delicate sound in your mind- that only you can hear when all things seem to fit into place.

That call from within your heart- that reaches an end that seems only to have yet begun.

Restless in knowing that there is nothing more than can be said for the dead.

That we are left with unanswered questions to our brash and broken pieces.

We fall upon our weakened knees as the rains tumble down upon our shirtless backs.

The sky is darker when there is no moon to guide our path.

Trending through the troubles that bind your heart to silence.

I have not said to you all that I wish.

I have not spoken of this to a living creature.

Yet you provoke me!

In ghostly pallor and invisible form, you provoke my silence.

How is it so, that such an unearthly thing can bring forth these thoughts.

This unimaginable suffering seems more than one should have to bare alone.

But it is so.

To seldom know comfort is better than having it in abundance and losing it all at a whim.

But it is so.

Secret star.

2011-09-24T17:00:00.002-04:00

There are no stars in the city.
I need to leave the city.

I want to go tonight.
I guess I'll go tonight.

I'll take you with.
If you want, you can go with.

My eyes are heavy.
My heart is connected to my eyes.

The road is calling to us.
Can't you hear the road?

The sky is giving up.
The sun is setting early.

Let's counts the stars.
I want to be one with the night.

Listening quietly.

2011-09-24T14:45:00.002-04:00

I'd have missed you
if I never met you.

I'm still waiting
because I knew.

No one knows how strong
I hold on to my heart.

I knew it wasn't you.

I'm not waiting
because I'll know.

No one has the key to
my secrets.

I'll know when its you.

One becomes none.

2011-08-31T01:50:00.002-04:00

I can live without you.
Does it hurt to hear that?
Does it sting to feel left out?

I can feel my heart beat.
Solo, as before.
One single thud, here and there.

Not everywhere.

My love, I can feel it inside.
Pleading for release.

But this is not the time.

I can live on.
I am hurt.
But my words don't mend.

Did you hear what I said?
I told my mouth the truth but
the words got scrambled along the way.

No, of course you didn't hear me.
I never said it.
Only felt it.

Not everywhere.
Just inside.

My love, raging all alone.
My words don't work.
My heart is hurt.

Do we change for ourselves?
Or is there always another reason?
.. even if we aren't privy to it.

Dear woman,

2011-07-26T23:33:00.002-04:00

why do you keep quiet?
Why do you not stand up for yourself when everyone around you is putting you down?
Why do you not slap that bastard husband of yours?
Why do you let the men around you walk all over you?
Why do you not speak?
Why do you sit there in utter chaos and keep your thoughts to yourself?
Why do you pretend to be so demure?

Dear woman,
you are not alone.
I sit in silence, churning over what I would have said.
I let people walk all over me and I keep quiet, for the most part.
I want to give up and throw in the towel and do nothing.
I want to lay in bed and cry and claim failure to the world.
I want to say that I was better in the kitchen, even when I couldn't cook.
I want to take the easy road.
But I also want to defy the male figure heads in my life.
I want to give a big EFF-YOU and do better than them and make more money than them and have a better job and a better life than them.
I keep up this work ethic.
I keep up my guard and I keep on going.
I want to do better than them, not because they expect my faults but because I want them to notice their own.

Dearest woman, I want you to do the same.
I want many things for you, but mostly I want to see you succeed.
I don't want you to be reliant upon a man.
I want you to go above and beyond, for yourself.
I want the best for you. For me. For the other women we know and love.
I want the world for you all.

Dear women, don't give up.
Keep your chin held high and keep on going.
I'll see you through. Some how.
Pay it forward.
See to it that you and your loved ones make it through as well.

Dear women,
do your best.
Always.
And then do better.

Porcelain echo.

2011-07-26T02:22:00.006-04:00

Moon beams slip through the shadow of a looming tree. Reflecting an imprint of leaves across the flowered duvet, she shifts away from the soft illumination. Her eyes are sealed with the kiss of sleep as a delicate tune reaches her chest. She wakes softly to the sound of a piano resonating in the hollow halls below. Catching her breathe, she slowly releases the quivering air that took her thought.

BeNot to BeOf.

2011-07-14T02:26:00.003-04:00

In the darkness, we see nothing.
If the moon is out, there is but
a slight chance of a glowing light.
But otherwise we see nothing.
Nothing but stars and more darkness.
Fumbling through the black.
If we close our eyes we see black.
If we lose our sight we see black.
When we sleep, often times, we see black.
We feel the darkness as an unknown,
an emptiness of sorts.
But darkness is not lack there of..
only lack of knowing there of.
Such is that not life in it's entirety.

Pains doubled.

2011-03-29T14:11:00.003-04:00

I might fall over on the ground and scrape my knees up in a bloody jagged mess.
I may get in a fight with a close friend where all emotional bets are off.
I might be consumed in a physically abusive relationship because I was lonely.
I may decide that jumping off a bridge, head first, into shallow waters was a good idea.
I might play around with my medication and take a little too much of something, here and there.
I may be driving home late one night and fall asleep at the wheel and never wake up.
I might have a little to much to drink and land in the arms of pervert.

But every time I cry, every time I goodnight, every time I let me anger and emotions flow, every time I acknowledge my hatred towards past acquaintances, every night that I go to sleep, ultimately I am the one who has to deal with the pain and anguish I have let develop. I can not forgive you and I have tried to forget you.. but when I cry, I cry above the pain and think of him. His pain was worse than mine. His life was short. My pain is deep and my anger is strong, but my tears are always for that boy that I once had the chance to know. I might be bleeding and hurting but I force all that out and think of him. Every time; I think of him.

A mistake.

2011-03-28T23:31:00.001-04:00

We are always
guaranteed to
never know.

In life, we are
always certain
to not be sure.

It is a promise
with each passing
moment that it
could be your last.