Just Chill!!

Actual newspaper Headlines

2010-08-18T13:08:00.002+05:30

     Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Lost Wife

2010-08-18T12:59:00.002+05:30

     I was in Wal-Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and  lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you  talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

Operating Fun

2010-08-18T12:48:00.003+05:30

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians."

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

Southern girl

2010-08-18T12:48:00.000+05:30

     Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a very  attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived. She bet  twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She  said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play  topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and  yelled, "Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice  came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed... "YES! YES! I  WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her  winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at  each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"  The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men... are men.

Chinese sick Leave

2010-08-15T10:53:00.002+05:30

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I  really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and

tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.

You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel GREAT.

I be at work soon.........You got nice house!'

9-1-1 calls

2010-08-15T10:50:00.002+05:30

BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what  sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.  Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and  slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into  my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher:  Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the  kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a  bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but  this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m  trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.  Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was  nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the  same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your  emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two  minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you  idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all  out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir,  where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and  Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an  asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started  having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

You gotta love The Irish

2010-08-15T10:40:00.002+05:30

     The Irish... you gotta love em

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick walks in and asks, "How you doin?"

"Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin  daughters lying on the bed. Seeing an opportunity, he says, "Your dad's  sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya Mick.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em Mick..., what's the point of fuckin one?"

Little Jhonny at school

2010-08-15T10:24:00.002+05:30

     It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students  have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.  All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early  dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Memory class

2010-08-12T03:43:00.000+05:30

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

2010-08-12T03:33:00.002+05:30

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him  sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He  appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he  wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and

you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when

you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" 

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my  face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail  for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

Elecric train

2010-08-12T03:27:00.000+05:30

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause  this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting  on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of  language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to  stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your  train, but I want you to use nice language."  

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing  with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,  "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to  take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us  today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with  us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you  just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your  seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a  pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."  

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are  pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the  kitchen."

Garfield:

2010-08-10T12:01:00.002+05:30

Height of Communication gap

2010-08-09T13:58:00.000+05:30

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his

neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a

baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we

can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company

because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to

Mrs.Sharma?" "Yes...... speaking"

Electricity Guy: "Ma'am, I'm calling from the electricity department and

You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"

"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are

overdue"

"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he

will speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What
business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Electric Company, "it's
nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

The Wizard of ID:

2010-08-08T02:14:00.000+05:30

Peanuts:

2010-08-08T02:13:00.000+05:30

Blonde at Interview

2010-08-08T02:02:00.002+05:30

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. 

The interviewer starts with the basics.

"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" 

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22." 

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

"And can you tell us your height, please?" 

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. 

She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of  her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" 

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics,  something that she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. 

"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" 

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds,  mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Cindy!" 

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song,  'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

Your Breast is Loose

2010-08-08T02:00:00.002+05:30

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"

Blonde Kidnapper

2010-08-08T01:50:00.002+05:30

A blonde was down on her luck. 

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. 

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I’ve kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow  morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next  to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." 

The blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was  sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found  the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow  blonde?"

Bill gates in Heaven

2010-08-08T01:47:00.000+05:30

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.

Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

Bil gates afterlife

2010-08-08T01:44:00.002+05:30

One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven. 

When he got there he met God. 

God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"

Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?" 

So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white. 

Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with  gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could  drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun. 

Bill Gates choose Hell. 

A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to  a rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When  you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and  fun. What happened??!!?" 

God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo".

New Viruses on the Loose

2010-08-08T01:40:00.002+05:30

Oprah Winfrey virus: 

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus: 

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus:  

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. 

Politically Correct virus:  

Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." 

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:  

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. 

Government Economist virus:   

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus:  

Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus:  

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does  practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important  part of your computer. 

Texas virus:  

Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus:  

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus:  

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus:  

You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus:  

Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus:  

Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus:  

Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to  resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus:  

Just does it.  

Congressional virus #2:  

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus:  

Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus:  

Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Addicted to Internet Porn

2010-08-08T01:30:00.002+05:30

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot. 

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser. 

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down." 

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing." 

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries. 

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee. 

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her." 

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas. 

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday. 

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!" 

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

garfield:

2010-08-07T02:09:00.001+05:30

Calling home

2010-08-06T22:05:00.000+05:30

Buldeep singh went to Colombo for official matter and called to his

house over phone. Servant had taken the receiver.

Buldeep singh : Who is speaking?

Servant : Servant Sir.

Buldeep singh : Where is the Madam?

Servant: She is sleeping with her husband in bedroom.

Buldeep singh : What? I am her husband came to Colombo today.

Servant: What can I do now sir?

Buldeep singh : Open the cupboard, pick the Gun, shoot both of them,

come back and tell me, till then I am waiting in the line. After some

time ... there come 2 shooting sounds ... after that ...

Servant: Yes, I did Sir. But what can I do next Sir?

Buldeep singh : Open the back door, throw both of them into the swimming pool

Servant: There is no swimming pool in our house Sir

Buldeep singh : What...? No swimming pool?

Servant: Yes Sir

Buldeep singh : Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!

Church Bells

2010-08-06T10:13:00.002+05:30

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went  straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old  grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,  "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our  advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church  bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow  and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the  Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned  ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"