Random thoughts

Caffeine and Craziness

2026-10-25T11:34:22.320-04:00

It's almost November, and I haven't had nearly enough October. We should start a petition to make spooky season last about three months, like Christmas. Before you scoff, the stores have Christmas stuff next to the Halloween stuff already. I get being prepared, but who shops that early? Let me guess, you? If you can prepare for Christmas this early, I want to be you when I grow up. I stress myself all out, forgetting to shop and whatnot before it's like Christmas Eve. But back to October, where did it go? The leaves are barely changing, and I feel cheated. I was so excited for one of my favorite bands to be here for Fall, and you know what they were greeted with? Green trees and warm weather. That's so rude. Plus, November is when it gets cold, and no thanks, I'm good there. It's bad enough the office is already cold enough to freeze food. I swear either a man or a menopausal woman controls the thermostat cause the rest of us are popsicles.

Also, I think I missed the perimenopause thing. I hear people my age talking about it, and I don't think I've met her yet. Thank you, psych meds. haha. Hopefully I skip that part of being an adult because no thanks. It sounds like a very uncomfortable nightmare. Speaking of nightmares, that damn gnat hallucination is going to be the reason I lose my mind. Twice this week at work, it decided to drive me up the freaking wall. Five hours. It dive-bombed my mouth for 5 hours on Friday. I was ready to start throwing stuff at myself. I mean, if I have to have schizophrenia, it could at least give me hallucinations of someone giving me a comforting bear hug or something. Why the hallucinations all have to be highly annoying is beyond me. Anyway, so here's hoping this week is better because my patience is running thin. I mean, that's kinda funny because when am I ever patient?

I miss having friends who want to go out and do stuff. I can't tell you the last time I had a girls' night out. Oh, wait, those are called concerts. I miss concerts. Sonic Temple dropped their lineup the other day, and I am a very happy girl. I can't wait until I have my surgery cause my butt will be in the pit with the kiddos for some of my favorite bands. It's gonna be fun to do all the normal stuff without crutches or pain. For everyone wanting to know when surgery is, it's most likely going to be in January, but I'll find out for sure when I see the surgeon in a couple of weeks. I'm 99% sure I'm going to ask them to do the second one in March so both my pins are done, and I'm back to life 100% cause your girl has places to go and people to see.

Mercury has indeed jumped into the microwave again, so let the insanity begin. I can't be the only person whose mind just loses the plot when it does that. Yesterday crystal clear, today murky, and tomorrow probably sleepy. Oh wait, I'm always sleepy. haha. Though I haven't slept well in months, so that's probably part of it. But I am not making any promises or any big decisions until it hops back out of the Gatorade, because no thanks, I already have enough trouble trying not to get myself into trouble as it is. This mouth of mine doesn't have a filter and likes to be a mess.

Mental health-wise, I had three big meltdowns this week for unknown reasons. I was good, and then boom, crash out for no reason. Thankfully, the people involved were super dope and just brushed it off. Cause we all know sometimes my brain is just dumb. One of them was on Wednesday was the gnat, but I mean, that's reasonable because anyone would do the same. The other two, well, we'll just leave those to the imagination. Honestly, one I don't even remember why anymore, and the other one, well, let's just say it involved none of your business. haha. Kidding. It was just me being dumb, which we know I'm really good at doing. Boy, did I need a nap afterwards because this brain can run marathons with no warning. I wonder if that's just a common anxiety thing or if my brain just likes to eat itself. That's a good question for my psych doc, so I'mma write that down. He's going to have so much fun with me. Not. He's going to wonder if my brain ever does the easy thing. Cause same doc, same.

I put fairy lights up yesterday and forgot to take pain medicine, so today is going to be a whole lot of doing nothing. I mean, I did clean the house yesterday, so I think I might have earned a do-nothing nap day. But first caffeine, because this brain isn't going to power itself, apparently.

Remember, no Sunday scaries; it's just Monday, and you'll kick its ass like you always do.

~Until next time, be good to yourself and each other.~

Saturday Shenanigans on a Sunday

2026-10-11T15:53:38.520-04:00

I'm 98% sure it's Saturday until I realize it's Sunday, and now I'm just wondering where the weekend went. Granted, tomorrow is a holiday here in the US, so I think me keeping track of the days is probably a lost cause. Counting calories and my intermittent fasting is definitely a good cause, and it's working really well. I had two wow moments this week, and I'm still amazed at them. We get used to how we look in the mirror, and I think sometimes we become blind to what we really look like. At least I do. Throughout this whole weight-loss process, I kept looking in the mirror for confirmation that the weight loss was actually happening. I kept getting the same old reflection, and honestly, it was making me mad. The scale kept going down, but the mirror didn't shift. Only it did, and I just didn't notice until it was super obvious.

I looked in the mirror a few days ago, and all I could say was, "Wow." Over and over and over again, in surprise. Then yesterday I was walking past the mirror and had to take a look. Sure enough, my butt is even smaller than it was, and my stomach is looking a lot smaller. For someone who has struggled with their weight their entire adult life, it's a pretty miraculous thing to look in the mirror and see yourself shrinking. I have always had some pretty significant self-esteem issues and have always been overly critical of myself. That hasn't changed much, though I have gotten really comfortable with my face and body the last couple of years. So I kind of feel like I'm giving myself little pats on the self-esteem train as this process unfolds. I made a promise to myself to get my new knee this year, and I'm going to make it happen. That way I can plop my skinny butt on a Florida beach next summer and hang out with my chosen parents. I mean, let's be real: I miss them and home a whole lot. It's way past time I spent some quality time with them and my kiddos. Though I see my kiddos regularly and talk to them even more. Michael came over and hung out today, which was a great surprise. He works 3rds, so it's not super often he has enough energy after work to chill. Though I do see him pretty often after work. He was one with my beanbag chair, which honestly just made me happy.

Christian and I were talking yesterday about my decorating style, or lack thereof. He described it as a Pinterest board because it has a theme: music, of course. But it's also a bunch of cool shit, and honestly, no compliment has ever felt greater. Or more accurate. I have a very definite sense of style and an aesthetic but zero Martha Stewart abilities. The first things I bought for my apartment were Jackson's stand, where his urn will be forever, and the artwork for my walls. This is the first time I've ever lived alone, and I got to decorate it exactly how I wanted. So of course there are fairy lights, a beanbag chair, my guitar, etc. It's just me, and honestly, I never thought about what it looked like to other people. But calling it a bunch of cool shit is a pretty solid compliment, and I thought it was hella cool.

I bought some clothes this week that are two sizes smaller than what I wore last spring, and that was also hella cool. My wardrobe needed a couple more alt pieces for concerts and girls' nights out. Not that I get to do a lot with my knee in its current situation. But the wardrobe needed some love, so I made sure it got it. I haven't done anything with my work wardrobe simply because I just wear dresses. At previous jobs, I always wore pants, which surprises people. I just got tired of trying to find pants that fit my ass and weren't too long. So I eventually gave in and just bought a crap ton of dresses. Then I figured out they are so much easier than finding pants. So dresses it is. The good part is you can lose as much weight as you want, and they still fit until you've lost tons of weight. My dresses definitely go down about 5 inches more than they used to at the hem now. So it probably won't be long until I'm buying more of those in a smaller size. It's a lot more exciting to go clothes shopping when you're buying a smaller size, that's for sure.

Mental health-wise, it was a quiet week for the most part. I dunno what's in the air lately, but I fell asleep after work two days in a row, so much for not getting behind on my homework. Which reminds me, I need to log in and catch up on my classes. 'Cause I certainly didn't open my laptop this week; I was snoozing. Michael actually heard the knocking I hear today which is a relief. I guess that one is real because it's definitely not a mass hallucination. haha. Where it comes from is another guess cause I'm not entirely sure. He said probably the condenser on the freezer? I'm not sure, but it's good to know the Invega definitely has my space a little less crazy. Cause genuinely, I'm crazy enough; I don't need more help in that department.

I guess it means I need to do my homework and finish my chores. Unless one of you wants to do it for me while I take a nap. No? Fine. haha. Off I go with my terrible handwriting to take notes and learn lots of cool stuff. But ah, the dishes, they're going to wait because I really don't want to, and frankly, I make the rules, so I'm not gonna. Until tomorrow, anyway cause I can't escape that chore forever. Or can I? Just kidding. I'll definitely do them tomorrow because I gotta have a clean kitchen before my work week starts. Even if I am working from home for the next couple of weeks. Actually, that might be even more reason to finish the chores, because who wants to work and look at a mess? Not me. That would definitely feel like living in a depression pile, and we don't do those anymore.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

October Rules

2026-10-03T10:03:11.556-04:00

I swear if I see one more angel number pop up, I'm going to become delulu enough to believe I can make all of my dreams come true. I don't know; I'm kind of there already if I'm being honest. My chosen Momma got me into conscious creation, and honestly it's pretty fascinating. So stay tuned for that exploration in the coming weeks. I've always believed in manifestation, and I know some of you think that's just nonsense. Which I'm totally fine with because, honestly, that's valid. I've come to realize there's always something I'm exploring as I make my way through life. I don't know if it's sheer curiosity or if I'm just nosy, but there's always something I'm newly into.

Speaking of newly into, I did my first project for my new class, and that was also fascinating. Though I think the intellectual property section might just make my head explode. Who knew there were so many different ways content can be used and protected. Obviously, I had some idea because my blog is copyrighted and I own all of its content. But it was cool to see how things like streaming services use content. It also taught me I need to get way better at understanding analytics. Especially the music ones, because those will be kind of important. I'm going to work on my songwriting class here this evening. That one is also going to be fascinating and require me to take a bunch of notes. I'd forgotten how little I actually pen and paper write cause my handwriting is deplorable. Haha. It's pretty much just chicken scratch these days, so I might want to do more writing before I completely forget how to do so legibly. Okay, who am I kidding? My handwriting has always been chicken scratch. haha

The weather is finally getting kinda cold at night. So, of course, I had the bright idea of sleeping with one of my windows open, even though ragweed is my nemesis. I'd forgotten how loud the city is at night, so there is definitely a nap in my future cause sleepy. There are also dishes in my future because the kitchen apparently doesn't clean itself. I thought we'd be further ahead, technology-wise, and have self-cleaning stuff. Who dropped the ball on making that happen? I also gained another Tupperware lid this week. How is my dryer so hungry for socks? Sheesh. I don't know what else to feed it, though, so I guess I should just buy more socks?

Mental health-wise, things are gouda. Nothing much is happening there, which makes me incredibly happy. Weight-wise, I'm shrinking rapidly and incredibly excited about it. I've come to realize I'm a volume eater, and I've found salads without diarrhea lettuce to make to fill me up. It's broccoli and cauliflower based so def pretty filling and delicious. Though I did make soup last weekend, and it was divine. So I guess I'm going to be rotating things like that to help keep me on track and out of the cookies. I don't know about you guys, but I struggle with binge eating these days. Way more than I used to, and part of that could be that the antipsychotics cause weight gain. It could also be that I'm a hungry hippo with little to no self-control when it comes to sweets. Either way, I've decided not to buy them and trust my luck without them. It's only been mildly successful, so I'm hoping this next week is much more successful. If anyone has any tips or tricks, I'm all ears because that one needs to be conquered. I'm just taking it one day at a time and adjusting as I go. Which is easier for me because when I make big plans, I'm more likely to get overwhelmed and just give up.

Otherwise, it's been a pretty typical week. I am going to do my first article (yeah, I procrastinated again) tomorrow so I can get that done. I'm unsure of why I procrastinate even when something is super easy. You'd think I'd just go, "Let's get this done," but instead I bury my head in the sand and think it'll do itself, which I really need to work on. I guess I do have a long list of things I need to do. Funny how we forget that until we write it down, and we're like, oh, had I made a list, I probably would have remembered. I guess it's a little like writing a list for the grocery store and leaving it on the counter. Then going to the grocery store without it and buying nothing you actually needed. I just order everything online because I'd just come home with snacks. Especially this time of year because I need pumpkin everything. I mean, technically I want it, but I also deeply need it, so there's that. I have, however, been a good egg and only bought candles aside from the aforementioned pumpkin roll from a couple of weeks ago. I need them to make mini ones for people who are on strict diets because if I buy a big one, I will eat it. Probably in one sitting; hence, I can't even buy it, which is all kinds of wrong.

I suppose I've ignored the dishes long enough. Wish me luck. haha. Make sure you make your list and get your chores done. Or if you're working, maybe write one for whenever you eventually have time off to do such things. Whatever you do, I hope you have an amazing week!

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Dreams Matter

2026-09-26T11:56:21.392-04:00

It's Saturday; football season is upon us, and the weather is cool enough to have the windows open. I don't know about you, but that kind of sounds like heaven. It kind of feels like it too. I had to put a hoodie on yesterday because it was chilly with the windows open. Yeah, I would rather put a hoodie on than close the windows. I'm making vegetable soup today because it feels like soup season, and because it's nutritious and fills me up, which is kind of essential to weight loss. But mostly just because I love veggie soup. I've now lost 32 pounds, and honestly I'm loving watching the scale drop more and more. I feel a lot better in my body even if my knee is still cranky.

Sometimes it feels like your dreams are so far away. Until you realize they aren't and that they're completely within your grasp. I've made quite a few changes to my life recently, slowly, of course. But they feel good, and it's crazy to me that things that once felt impossible suddenly feel very possible again. It's been a long road, as you guys well know. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now and how okay I feel in myself. For so long, I was struggling with mental illness. Fighting with my meds and resenting my needing them in the first place. But that's given way to acceptance and honestly appreciating the meds and my doctors. Because it all gave me my life back. No one wants to have a mental breakdown or be diagnosed with a couple of mental illnesses. But I'm past the part where it bothers me and just thankful that the meds let me live a normal, healthy life.

This Fall I'm just looking to being alive and soaking up all the things I love about Fall and Halloween. I have always loved Fall because of the changing leaves and their beautiful colors. But also how the air, when it's chilly, carries the smell of bonfires and burning leaves. I love the tranquility of Fall and the magic that Halloween carries. I love scare actors and haunted houses as long as I'm not in them. Haha. I've always been that way. I don't particularly enjoy being scared, but I do really enjoy the ambiance of the season. We need to go apple picking so I can make some homemade applesauce because duh, that's amazing. I doubt I'll carve any pumpkins cause I don't have a porch to put them on. So I'll just enjoy all the pumpkin spice candles I can get my hands on. My chosen parents have their Christmas tree up, and I'm knee-deep in all things pumpkin spice with my kiddos. And honestly, I love that because it means everything is normal and normal is great.

I think it's due to some personal growth and making peace with things I couldn't control in life when I was younger. I have decided that Thanksgiving isn't the enemy, and I'm just too lazy to be bothered with all the food. I would love to say that I want to participate in the holiday tradition, but I think I'd rather take a nap. So while I don't dislike it anymore, I kinda doubt I'll be up to my elbows in food anytime soon. Especially because Big C makes dinner for the kiddos and they all enjoy it. But here's to personal growth and laying some demons to rest forever.

I think with time and clarity I've decided that some people and situations just needed to go for me to learn to live life on my terms again. I can't change the past, but I can definitely change the future. I don't regret the removal of certain people from my life. In fact, it was a long time coming. So the future isn't about repeating the past or setting myself up for failure. It's about personal growth and planning the life I truly want to live. Part of dealing with suicidal issues and self-harm is realizing the things that hurt don't always deserve to hurt forever. Some people, places, and things need to stay gone for you to find harmony within yourself. You can forgive yourself but still know that you have to love some people from a great distance for your mental and emotional well-being. Not everything you lose or have to put boundaries against is a loss. Some of it is an unplanned blessing you waited a long time to fulfill.

Today I'm going to make soup, play my music loud enough to annoy my neighbors a bit. I might even take a nap because I've had too much caffeine and it makes me sleepy. I have the weirdest body, I swear. If I drink more water, I'll feel energized, but honestly I like naps, so I'll probably just take one for funsies. Whatever you are doing today, I hope you love it, and it makes you happy. If you're working, it's okay to think "bah, I'm working and I don't wanna." We can love what we do for a living with our entire beings and still want to disconnect and take a break. Getting up and being productive all the time can get old. So maybe do the adult thing and then do something fun as a reward. If no one has told you today, I'm proud of you, and I hope that life is exactly what you wanted it to be.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

It Gets Better

2026-09-19T11:02:36.921-04:00

It's an undeniably sleepy Saturday in my world that consists of listening to people yell on the sidewalk below my apartment and cleaning up all the stuff I tossed everywhere this week. I can't be the only one who just sets stuff in places, intending to put it away, but the week passes, and I'm still looking at it. So today consists of scooping it all up and finally putting it in its home. But also schoolwork because my genius self decided to go back to school. I know, sometimes I don't know why I do the stuff I do. Haha. Kidding, I actually do know why I did it. Music has always been more important to me than life. Not an exaggeration; it's just my thing, and it makes life worth living. So anyway, I've decided to study the entertainment business as a whole. It also includes theatre and gaming, but neither of those is of much interest to me. So far it's pretty fun, though it requires so much reading. I literally fell asleep reading the other night. Which, no surprise there, once I get comfy, I'm done for anyway.

September is suicide prevention and awareness month. I've found myself being a little more candid with some of the people around me lately, and the responses are pretty amazing. Someone called me a legend for getting through what I've gone through. I don't know; sometimes things like that make being curled up on my bathroom floor sobbing a little less painful of a reminder. I've never really seen myself as a survivor or a victim. It's just me and my broken brain living life to the best of my ability and being happy.

Everyone has demons; that's not exclusive to me. We all have pages and chapters we don't read out loud. But there's a huge dichotomy between who I actually am and who people think I am or used to be sometimes. I've never claimed to be perfect because I'm far from it, but I am always myself. I've come to understand that people who never saw me clearly as a person and/or really got to know my personality have assigned me a character that's not me. They don't recognize the free-spirited dreamer that I am and always have been. To them, that person doesn't exist, but that's mainly because they never actually sat down and listened to me speak. They listened from their opinion of me, but that opinion was actively formed without any participation from me. They don't recognize what's always existed because they never really tried. They think the person they see now is fake because they didn't know who I was all along, and honestly, that's perfectly okay. That's not a me problem. That's a completely outside-of-me problem because I know who I am and who I've always been regardless of how flawed I am. I'm the one that's had to build a new life on the rubble left behind from a life I burned to the ground. They don't know how long it took to look myself in the eyes in the mirror. They don't know the things that have haunted my life for practically forever. Those things don't exist in their world because they never asked. That's not on me, and it's important for us to remember that we can't control everyone or their perception of us.

I am the same person I've always been, and I'm honest to a fault. There's no pretense here. It's just me. Just me talking out loud, and for unknown reasons, people listen. I'm a dork. I say the wrong thing a little too often because my brain decides it needs to just do stuff for the hell of it. Then I'm just standing there wondering where my three brain cells went to hide. haha. But I think it's really important for everyone to understand that all we can be in life is who we authentically are. Especially us mental health beans who tend to weigh whether we are okay or not based on whether or not people try to understand us. It's hurtful when people dismiss the sheer strength it takes to be vulnerable with people knowing they can hurt us. Mental health has such a stigma, and people are usually only cool with dealing with it until they get tired of us talking about it. But the truth is, we don't get days off from dealing with it. We wake up and go to bed every night knowing that tomorrow is often more of the same. But a lot of times the people around us have already checked out and just think we should be better already. A lot of us, with or without medicine, will never just be better already. And it's important for us to understand that we can't weigh our worth based on whether or not someone has time for us.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have an amazing group of people, especially my family. They are always there whenever I struggle or need to vent. They don't pretend to have the answers, but they sit with me until I find my strength again. That's incredibly important. People don't commit suicide because it's the easy way out. They commit suicide because they can't figure out a reason to stay. They can't find their strength. They feel isolated and unsupported and, a lot of times, unloved. They feel like a burden because people unfortunately do forget that mental illness doesn't have a cure. And sometimes they can have the best village imaginable and still not be able to find a reason to stay. They don't do it to spite people or because it's easy. Giving up on life is never an easy decision. Trust me, I've been there many times in the last six years. I've spent many a time crashed out on the floor or in my bed trying to talk things out with someone and not having the words or ability to make it make sense to them. I always hear how lucky I am and how I should just be grateful to be loved by so many people. Pain doesn't recognize that. Pain is pain; it's smothering, heavy, and a lot of times feels completely inescapable. That's why we need people who will drop everything and just sit with us and keep us safe until we find our strength, no matter how long it takes.

If you ever learn anything from me, let it be to love out loud. Tell everyone you love them. Hug everyone. Answer the phone or respond to texts no matter how boring they are. Everyone who has ever committed suicide has reached out to someone before they did it. Yet everyone always says I had no idea. Do you have no idea because you didn't listen? Maybe not. Maybe you aren't who they reached out to, and that's perfectly okay. You shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to stop something you genuinely knew nothing about. But trust someone did. There's someone they reached out to because they were drowning. Check on your people. Listen to them. Get to know them so that you recognize when the pattern changes. I've reached out to friends and gotten ignored. I've reached out to a lot of people and been dismissed. But I've always had my family through thick and thin, and that's always made a huge difference for me. Because no matter how helpless I feel at times, there's always a floor to lay on and someone to talk things through with. If someone doesn't have those people, maybe be their person. Or find that person through medical channels. It's that important. Don't let the sun set on someone who can be saved. Don't let someone leave because you didn't have time to lie on the floor with them until they find their voice again.

Mental illness doesn't take days off, nor does the insanity of life. Sometimes it just kicks the shit out of you, and then you're looking around like, what the hell was that? If you don't have a person, I'm here; I'll be your person. If I can't be that person, I will find you a person; I can guarantee you that. Never give up because tomorrow, no matter how elusive, will be better. Don't make a permanent decision caused by a temporary emotion. It takes a village; build your villages.

~Until next time, I love you, and be good to each other.~

Finally September

2026-09-07T20:04:41.008-04:00

Well, hello September, you sexy beast. It's Labor Day, which means tomorrow marks the official start of all things pumpkin spice. I actually cheated and bought a pumpkin roll the other day because I absolutely could not resist. But I did wait to light the first pumpkin spice candle, so I'll do that tomorrow morning. My pumpkin-loving heart is so happy! Now if only the weather would get with the program, because what do you mean it's almost 90 degrees outside? I am so ready to put my summer black clothes away and get out my black Fall hoodies. So someone come get Mother Nature and put her to bed cause she's acting up again. I would say ground her, but then summer will never leave, and honestly, no thanks. I'm tired of sweating in places that have no business knowing how to sweat. It's been an uncomfy summer here in Ohio. haha

September is also Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month, and in this house that's an important month. I normally do a whole blog on it, but you guys have had that talk a lot. So I'll just say, please check on your strong friends and listen to your people who struggle with mental illness or suicidal impulses. It takes a village, and if someone doesn't have their person, think about maybe being their person. Or helping to connect them with the right resources so they can find their person. In this family, no one suffers alone, and I know you all will do your best to help support and love your people who struggle. We've spent years destigmatizing mental illness in this corner of the world. Having a mental illness or struggling with suicidal thoughts doesn't mean you're broken. Needing medicine or psych help doesn't make you less of a person. In my opinion, having the strength to ask for help makes you an amazing person.

I heard someone quote the no white after Labor Day thing today and was so confused. I thought we discontinued that practice a long time ago. Also, why not white after Labor Day? What did white clothing do to you? I mean, I don't own any white clothing, so it doesn't actually affect me, but it seems like a silly practice. I say wear whatever makes your little heart happy. We don't clothes-shame in this house, even if the only thing I wear is black. No, that's a lie. My Converse are cute colors. So I guess I do own something not black. Though with this weight loss, I'mma just need a whole new wardrobe in the near future.

I thought about getting Botox recently and was informed that I have to have wrinkles to do that. So I guess I gotta get back to them when my face decides to crease in places? I swear I try to get old, but it just doesn't seem to be working. I mean, granted, I get it because, duh, great genetics, but still. I also thought about dying my hair cause other than purple, I've never really dyed my hair. Then I remembered my hair goes down to my waist and decided that it would have to wait a minute. But like, what color would I even dye it if I didn't do the dark purple? Midlife crisis? Nah, just general boredom, honestly. Maybe I just need some new piercings to shake things up a bit. I dunno, but it is also almost knee surgery time, so I might wanna chill on getting new holes for a minute, but I don't wanna. Typical me: stubborn and impatient. haha

Mental health-wise, things have been pretty chill. No new hallucinations to report unless I forgot about them already. I am going to start writing letters and articles for one site. I'll let you guys know when I start publishing them. I already know what the first one is going to be about, but have I written any of it? Nope, because procrastination is my superpower. haha. I was supposed to do a writing contest and got completely distracted by a really cute guy. I have another one to do, so someone remind me to write the damn thing before the 17th of September, please. I swear my memory is a permanent part-time employee, and I don't know when that happened. Maybe it's selective memory because I can still tell you when each concert is, to the day and start time. Either way, I need to remember to submit my letter for this contest. The award is pretty cool, and I'm kind of determined to win the next 5 of them just for fun.

Otherwise, life has been pretty chill. Everyone is happy, healthy, and just doing the adult stuff. Gotta love those times when you can just chill and relax without stressing about life. Concert season this year officially ends in November when my kid, my niece, and I go see Motionless In White, which is something we're all super excited about. And yes, I'm going even if I'm still on crutches because there are seats. I don't know, I really kind of love how much my kids have taken after me when it comes to music. How cool is it to be able to plan to do fun stuff with them, and it be such an easy thing. I just have to mention that I want to go, and suddenly I have a whole squad buying tickets and making plans. Had you told me when they were little kids that I'd spend more time with my adult kiddos than I do with anyone else..... I would have believed you. Cool how that works out. People always say you have to be a parent and not a friend. That's not true; you can be both, you just have to work hard at it. Who knows, maybe they'll hit the teen years at some point but it's looking unlikely so far.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Pedestals

2026-08-29T19:07:14.178-04:00

It is a very sleepy Saturday here in the Ohio River Valley. I had yesterday off work, so of course it feels like Sunday. I also took a really good nap, and you know what that means. It means I have no idea what planet I'm on because I'm super groggy. There's something that I've kind of been chewing on for a couple of weeks. In the million years this blog has existed, we've addressed artist, fame, and fan behavior many times. I've seen and heard some stuff lately that made me realize we probably needed to revisit some of this for anyone new to my world.

First thing being artists are just people with cool jobs. There's nothing innately better about them than there is you. That would be like me saying, because I'm a writer with a sizable following, that I'm a better writer than you and therefore more important. Neither of those things is true. Yes, I'm a published writer as well as a blog author, but I don't do anything better than you. Because I have a sizable following on here also doesn't make me more important than anyone else. So when someone who has achieved any level of fame tries to put themselves on a pedestal, it's not a good look. Artists put their pants on the same way as the able-bodied public.

Yes, they have talent, but so do you. Who do you think gives them their jobs? You do. You're the one buying, streaming, and promoting the music. You're the one buying merch and concert tickets as well as filling the pits and seats. They wouldn't have shit without the legions of fans they are blessed to have. Without you, they have no public, no fans, and no one to hone their craft for. They are simply normal human beings who are fortunate enough to have people who love and support their craft. But there is nothing innately better about them than there is about you.

The fans make them "famous," and that fame can disappear overnight. Most artists will always have their stans or super fans, but they make up a very small portion of an overall fanbase. Most people aren't going to fight for an artist's career if it involves any level of grandiosity or makes them feel indebted to said artist. They'll simply move on to a new artist they do feel appreciated by. People are going to go where they feel appreciated genuinely. They're far more open to the idea of paying good money for stuff when they feel like the artist truly cares that they exist. People don't part with hard-earned money to fill seats of ungrateful or self-centered artists. You can be as talented as you want to be or as attractive as you want, but if you're as deep as a puddle, you will lose your appeal. Fans are fickle, and they should be. If they're going to give someone a career, then they should be important.

That doesn't mean the fans control the artists either. Being humble and grateful to the fans for your livelihood doesn't look like fan control. It looks like genuine fan appreciation, and people can tell the difference. No one is better than anyone, and everyone is on the same playing field. There are always going to be bad apples and people who disregard boundaries or form unhealthy relationships with artists. That unfortunately is just part of fame and having a public presence. Does that make those people shitty fans? It can. But again, that's a very slim portion of an overall fanbase. The majority of the fanbase just wants to chill, promote their favorite artists, and rock out at shows. Yeah, rocking out happens even at country concerts; it's called losing your voice singing along. haha.

It is genuinely a huge pet peeve of mine when people put themselves on pedestals and act like fans are lucky to have them. Because genuinely fuck those people. Also, can y'all stop falling victim to scam social media accounts? Blue checkmark fam. If there isn't a blue checkmark, it's a fake account. No one is going to ask you for money or to talk on a different platform, I promise. We gotta use our noggins and deductive logic. Cause genuinely at the end of the day, your artist doesn't want people taking advantage of you anymore than you want taken advantage of. I can hear you saying, "What about smaller artists?" That's fair. You should make sure you're following their official account. A quick Google search of the artist will bring up their official account at the top of the search, even for obscure bands.

You should feel wanted and appreciated by your artist and feel a sense of belonging amongst their fan community. If you don't, then it's potentially a toxic fan community or artist. Just remember you are all equals and should be treated as such. I know the bigger the artists get, the harder it can be to do meet-and-greets and such. But the artists who truly love and appreciate their fans do generally still do meet-and-greets regardless of level of fame. Plus, in this age of social media, a ton of artists interact with fans on social media. I do think it's pretty toxic if they don't. Because it takes ten seconds to show appreciation or to repost something cool a fan did. If a fan went out of their way to create an amazing piece of art, you can at least say thank you. Just a simple thank you will make that person's day, potentially week, or even year. It doesn't take a lot of effort to be good to your fans. No, they can't be online all day, every day, but all it takes is five minutes of scrolling to hit a bunch of tweets, Instagram tags, or TikToks people posted. You're going to be on social media anyway, so why not give the fans some love and attention?

It doesn't take a lot of effort to be good to each other. Let's do more of that on both sides of the equation.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Mother Nature is Insane

2026-08-23T10:41:38.746-04:00

We've had a tornado, a derecho, whatever that is, and historic flooding in two weeks. If someone doesn't come get Mother Nature and talk some sense into her, we're going to need to build an ark. I swear it's rained the entire month of August, and while I'm not mad about it. I'd prefer not to watch friends and neighbors lose everything to flooding. My kids were good, though it was one stressful two weeks worrying about them. One of the big homeless camps near the city was practically destroyed. Thankfully everyone was okay, but peeps are now taking donations to at least help replace their gear. It has to be terrible to have next to nothing and then have absolutely nothing in the space of a few hours. So I'm definitely happy to see people rally around that vulnerable group of people. Today is bright and shiny so far, so we'll take the wins where we can get them. So we'll just keep our fingers crossed that it stays that way for a bit.

I saw something on social media yesterday that kind of perplexed me and was also exhausting. It was a post that someone made complaining that a cashier said the credit card machine was bipolar because it was picking and choosing when it wanted to work. The lady was big mad and ripped the cashier a new asshole because "bipolar isn't a laughing matter." While I appreciate where she was coming from, it is indeed a laughing matter. I can hear you all collectively going What?!?! I tell those jokes all the time, and I am, in fact, bipolar. My take and the reason I would have just laughed with the cashier instead of getting offended is this. If you can't laugh about your mental illness occasionally, are you okay? I joke about being crazy all the time. I am, in fact, the owner of several complex mental illnesses. So why shouldn't you be able to laugh about it? Dude, can you imagine what a drag it would be to constantly be so serious about something you have no control over? If I'm not laughing about it, I'm ready to cry about it because it's a tough thing to deal with. So my stance is, please joke about it with me because it makes me laugh and we all need laughter in our lives.

I'll give you a good example, and I'm amazed at how many people didn't think it was funny. Last Wednesday at work, we took some emotional quiz about something or another. All of the questions had situational answers. So me being me, I picked sometimes on all of them because ya know the answers change based on context. Friday morning I was talking to my boss about it, and mans looked me dead in my eyes and said this. "With you, it depends on what voice or personality is running the show that day." When I tell you I laughed, I mean I DIED laughing. Like real tears and everything. Cause he's so right. It depends on when I took my meds, did I take my meds, how many symptoms are bugging me, and the list goes on and on. I was proud of his quick wit and congratulated him on cracking an excellent joke. But people took it so seriously, and it baffled me. It's okay and expected for people to laugh when someone says or does something witty that I am laughing about. It's really not that serious fam; it's okay to joke around with me. I'll tell you if I'm struggling, and that day isn't the best day for it. But please, for the love of god don't spaz out and think you can't joke with me. I would rather you joke around with me than make me sit in the seriousness that is bipolar, schizophrenia, ptsd, and anxiety all the time. I already know how serious and heavy it is. Joking about it makes the load a little easier for me to carry.

Otherwise, besides the weather, life has been pretty great. I'm 100% ready for Fall and starting to count down to knee surgery in a couple of months. I can't wait to get my pin fixed so I can once again be walking all over hells half acre. I've lost 30 pounds so far, so that's super exciting. It's the most success I've had losing weight. Someone at work said, "You're gonna disappear at this point." I was like god I hope so. Haha. One of my besties is scoping the stores to see when peak Halloween decorations are out so we can go shopping. I saw a coffin that said RIP my patience, and I need that more than I need sleep. So that's definitely going in the cart. But I'm hoping to find some cool stuff to decorate my cube at work and my apartment. I haven't properly decorated for Halloween in this apartment yet. I mean, I sleep with a jack o lantern pillow, and there are Halloween squishmellows chilling on the bean bag chair all year long. So I'm always kinda decorated. But I want to do more this year, so shopping it is. Plus, spending time with one of your best friends is peak relaxation and fun. Friend time is always good for the soul.

I rubbed my nose the other day, and my nose ring got caught on my ring on my finger. I was like, oh okay, is this the new your pocket catching on the door handle situation? It's fine though cause it's a hoop and it just yeets itself, so no harm done, but it definitely caught me off guard. I love how life is random and oftentimes silly for no reason at all.

It'll officially be the ber months here in a few days, and that is indeed going to become my entire personality. With that, I'm sure will begin the influx of I hate when the weather gets dark and colder. I get it; seasonal depression is a bitch, and my heart goes out to you. But remember, I didn't shit on your favorite season. So let me have my pumpkin spice and days where I never have to close the windows, please. I wait all year for pretty colors and air smelling a little like burning leaves. We can commiserate and complain about winter though because that's an entire drag. haha. I guess I should be productive, or take a nap, who knows. I mean, I did adult yesterday, so technically I can cat today, right? 🙃

~Until next time, stay safe, and be good to each other.~

Choices

2026-08-09T15:57:33.718-04:00

I'm fairly sure it's Sunday, though this week did kind of get away from me. I feel like the more aware of time I try to become, the quicker it moves, and I just lose track of it anyway. So I just kinda guess and hope for the best most of the time. haha. Does anyone follow astrology? Apparently Facebook thinks I'm an expert and filled my feed with a bunch of Lion's Portal Stuff. I don't know much about astrology other than reading my horoscope once in a while. But something that caught my eye was it referencing 2014 as the last time yesterday's astrological configuration occurred. Then it was talking about how on the 12th the portal closes, with it taking with it the hard times we've had since 2020. Which 2020 sucked for pretty much everyone, and the fact that there is diarrhea lettuce amongst us, I would still be leery. haha. But it was the dates that gave me pause.

As I was reading the stuff, I was like, why does 2014 stand out to me? Once I thought about it, I was like, oh well, that's creepy. Creepy in a good way, if that's a thing. The longtime readers of this blog will start nodding sagely here in a second. In 2014, I graduated from college, got my first ever corporate job, and Big C moved out. Yep. It's also the year my friendship with Jeff ended, and an entire new chapter of life started for me. I still, looking back, can't believe I managed to work full time at night and go to school full time during the day. But I had to do something because my relationship with Big C was over after a decade together, and I had three kids to support. So I did the impossible thing and graduated from college and scored a pretty good gig. It was the beginning of the life I have now. It was actually in college that they discovered I was severely dyslexic, which is why learning medical coding was so difficult. But my professor was determined to make sure I graduated, and I did. So I was reading this stuff, thinking, " Huh, that's interesting."

When anything mentions 2020, I'm like, dude, it sucked for the entire world. But it also sucked a lot for me personally. My beloved grandma died at 98 years old, and I had my mental breakdown right around the same time. It's wild for me to think about how many times my life has crashed and burned only to be rebuilt again. Am I still the same person I was in 2020? Not on any level. But in a really good way, which is probably weird to think about. We can get so busy living life and trying to survive that we sacrifice ourselves to other people's expectations. That grind that feels necessary might just choke out little sprouts of inspiration or guidance to be your more authentic self. People often have good intentions for us but no actual idea of what our paths in life are supposed to look like.

In 2013/2014, I could have taken the path of least resistance and taken one of two paths. One stay in a relationship that was decaying my very soul. Or take the easy way out and just raise my kids extremely poor. But neither answer was one I was willing to accept. I was going to graduate from college and make our dreams come true one way or another. I swear I didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time for over a year. But I don't regret doing what I had to do to give my kids a better shot at life and to give us all some peace. Looking at the growing pains from 2014 to now, they're very different from what I would have ever expected. The me that was in college, a full-time employee, and a full-time mom would have thought I was insane if I tried to explain how we would get here. But get here we did. It wasn't pretty; it was a lot ugly and a lot difficult, but we got here in the end.

Sometimes our paths in life aren't pretty or astrologically aesthetic. haha. But they are our lives, and all we can do is do our best with the circumstances we find ourselves in. Today we're all on really amazing paths in life, doing things we love and celebrating our healthy, happy relationships with each other. I had no idea it would take me falling apart for a new kind of respect to form between me, my kids, and all of the people I love around me. I can confirm that having a mental breakdown or major mania, some people call it, is terrifying. I'd like to never again do any of that again because no fucking thanks. I'll just take my meds and live a normal, healthy life, thanks very much.

But like, what if there was something to this whole Lion's Portal thing? I can already hear some of you say there isn't. But what if there is? Hmmmm. That means that all the positive stuff they're talking about is ours. And you know what? After rebuilding my life twice in the last 12 years, I'll take as much good as the universe or a sale on Bath & Body Works candles will allow. Because I've earned some peace, some sunshine, and a whole lot of calm water ahead. There's nothing quite like looking hell in the face to make you sit and stare at rainbows and pretty sunsets a new way.

Tomorrow I'll get up and log into a job I love, and tomorrow night I'll climb into a bed I love in an apartment I love and go to sleep. My kids are healthy, happy, amazing, and living their best lives. I'm healthy and happy doing the things that make my soul happy. Learning how to write music and songs, and spending time with my guitar are things that deeply bring me joy. Getting to celebrate the amazing friendships I've made with people all over the world is amazing. Being able to look myself in the face every day, knowing I'm happy and content for the first time since some very damaging storms, feels really rewarding.

This summer was definitely one for the memory books, and honestly I wouldn't trade it for anything. When the Lion's Portal closes on the 12th, I hope it takes all the bad and leaves all kinds of good. Some people find their spot to thrive early in life, and some of us have to fight extra hard for ours. Regardless, we all deserve the same peace, happiness, and ability to spread our wings and find our place to rest. It will be Fall soon, and summer will feel like a long time ago until festival season starts again. But this time I'm taking a little glimmer of summer through Fall with me. Because who said you can only have one happy place in life? We'll still be doing concerts until the end of November, and then it's time for them to replace my knee. It's been a crazy ride, but I'm really glad I'm still here to talk about it and to continue on.

Remember, even the darkest of days don't equal night. Morning comes eventually, and with it, the sunshine and the courage to keep going. Life gets better; it just takes time.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Augtober

2026-08-01T18:19:47.855-04:00

It's doing I'm not even sure what outside, but it's Augtober, so who cares, really. I dug the Halloween decorations out of the closet last night, thinking I would decorate today. Instead, Jax and I sat and disassociated a chunk of the day away. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my beloved emotional support bestie's crossing of the rainbow bridge. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my tiny dude. They say time heals all wounds, but it doesn't. Instead, this one decorates for Halloween early and just chills.

I'm known for two things on the internet. One is my intense and unwavering love of music, and the second thing is this blog. It's lived in many stages and in many different versions of my life as I've grown up. It's still, of course, uniquely me and my view on the world around me. But it's had a lot of lives, and honestly I love that for all of us. People come, and people go in life, but what a cool thing to be able to grow and change in front of people. It's also cool how many amazing friends I've made all over the world. Some of you are a gazillion times cooler than I'll ever be. Festival season taught me a lot this year. One, spending an entire weekend jamming out with a cool hundred thousand of your closest friends is practically spiritual. And two, it made me realize I'm really genuinely ready to get my tattoo on my right hand. Then it's on to creating the tattoo that will cover all the scars on my left arm.

I think I've mentioned the hand tattoo a few times. But for any newbies, I've struggled with self-harm and suicide issues my entire life. Never more so than the last six years. Though the last year has been pretty calm, so maybe just the five years before it. I've had scars on my arm since I was 14 years old, and it's not like I can hide them. At this point, they take up the entire top of my left arm. Like they might as well be a damn spotlight on my mental health issues. Several years ago, I got a tattoo on my left forearm that covers the majority of my wrist because I knew I wouldn't cut my tattoo. About a year ago, the idea hit me that when I was ready, I should get a semicolon and music notes on my hand to signify my decision to live this life. That wasn't an easy decision to make, and honestly, I really did need to sit with it for a while. Because not only do I really want the timing to be right, but also I want to fit the person I am becoming.

Now it's time. Now I feel like I can walk into the studio and create something that will last the rest of my life that I'm going to be really proud of. Its purpose for being on the top of my right hand is much like the placement of the tattoo on my left arm. It's the first thing I'll see when I go to pick something up. It will be my reminder to breathe and pause to think through what is happening in my head. That might sound so simple to some people, but it's not so simple for everyone. Some people, like me, have to work at wanting to live every day. We don't wake up and think, " Yay, life." Some of us wake up and think, well, I guess we're doing this today. I wake up tired and groggy from my night meds and really don't want to human. I think a lot of us wake up and think, man, I did the thing yesterday; why do I have to do it again today? Haha. But that's the life that millions of people with mental illnesses struggle with every day. It's not unique to me. But what is unique to me is my thoughts and feelings about life. I need the reminder. I need the take a breath before you lose your shit reminder.

So I'll have it in the form of a really dope hand tattoo I'll see every day. Will I cover my scars this year? I dunno. Just like the hand tattoo it has to be something significant to me and my journey. So who knows when that inspiration will strike, but it eventually will, I'm sure.

So in a lot of ways, the second half of 2026 is going to be a period of intense personal growth on a few fronts. Musically, I'm still a dork and insanely in love with it in all forms. But I am taking some classes to learn things like sound engineering and...... songwriting. Don't scream so loud you'll scare someone. I figure it's past time that I learn how to do some of the things that give wings to my soul, and music is that thing. I should have done it a long time ago, but life has a way of carving paths when it's ready. I don't think I would have used the gift at 20 or even 25 because it wasn't something I felt confident in. But after writing this blog and a gazillion other things for years and years, I figured now was time. I mean, I'm not getting any younger, though I've been informed I'm still not old. That's a bummer; I want to yell at kids and tell them to stay off my lawn. I'm probably never going to want the music turned down cause lets be real, I'm me. So maybe the lawn thing is coming down the pipeline eventually, once I casually obtain a lawn. That might take a while because I do not miss cutting acres of grass. It's like I don't miss shoveling a driveway that was longer than my life. So that's a solid no thanks for me. Maybe I'll just claim some sidewalk to yell at people about. Haha. Just kidding.

So the rest of 2026 is going to be a fun adventure, and honestly I'm here for it. I'm thankful my boss couldn't care less where I get a tattoo as long as it's not on my face. And well, that's never happening because I like my face as it is. Well, except for these damn hooded eyes that like to fight for their lives against my winged eyeliner. One day I'll master that one, but today isn't going to be that day because it's Saturday and I'm lazy. Okay, more just wholly unmotivated to do anything with my face. I had a new olfactory hallucination happen last night, and I'm still a little pissed about it. If smelling soap at a ridiculous concentration isn't enough, this one is lotion. Like, brain, please pick a struggle and not all of them. Last week was visual hallucinations and a little bit of delusion. So not a good time. Then my brain says here smell lotion. I was completely done with my brain when I went to bed last night. Thankfully, so far it's behaved itself today.

So yea, if you wondered if I'm still crazy, I definitely am. But at least I'm fun crazy. I could be dangerous crazy, and that would be a nightmare for all of us. I'll stick to just being a danger to myself, thank you very much. I'm kidding; I'm a danger to only dust because it makes me sneeze. Hello, summer allergies, you rude pains in the butt.

~Until next time, do something fun, make yourself promises that you'll keep, and as always, be good to each other.~

Back to The Beginning

2026-07-04T13:11:27.193-04:00

It's the 4th of July, and it currently feels like we're stuck in an oven that has no off switch. I know summer is hot, but this is a little excessive, so I'mma need Mother Nature to take her meds right quick before we all cook. Cause I'm not sure what she is cooking, but I promise you it's done. haha. It's my birthday month and, you know what that means. The countdown to everything pumpkin spice starts tomorrow, and Halloween starts on August 1st. Okay, it doesn't officially start then, but August 1st is the anniversary of Jackson's passing, and frankly, decorating for Halloween is a lot more fun than crying. I can't believe my tiny emotional support bestie has been gone for three years this year. What I would give to go back in time and sniff his little mane again. Nothing smelled better than him.

It's been six years since I had my mental breakdown, and so much of my life has drastically shifted. There are still parts of me that I am rediscovering, and honestly, it's a little sobering at times. Recently, I decided to talk to the singer in a band I really love because I want to pick his brain. Creatively, of course. I was talking to Michael about it yesterday, and he kind of floored me. He reminded me that two very specific things are part of the founding core memories he has of me. My time, interest, and investment in the music industry, and my writing abilities.

I am Bachfan20, and I have been for almost two decades now. I've made a lot of friends over the years, all over the world, and this blog is 18 years old this summer. I'm deeply grateful that my love of music has opened so many doors. I'm just as grateful that my writing abilities have and continue to touch so many people around the world. But those are two founding things I'd forgotten about myself. I was talking to a friend the other day, and she assumed I was trying to date said singer. I was baffled why she would think I'd only want to pick someone's brain to date them. It couldn't be farther from the truth. I have no interest or desire to date this person. I simply want to learn about the anatomy of their creativity. Which isn't a new thing for me. I've sat and picked many an artist's brain to learn how they create because I find it fascinating. It's something I've done a million times in the past.

I've never been the person who meets people just because I want to date them. Let's be real, I'm single by choice, it's not for lack of dating opportunities. Music is and has always been one of the most important parts of life for me. My kids grew up with music constantly playing in the house, and music still plays constantly around me. My blog has always been an extension of who I am and my unique perspective of the world around me. When I went no contact with my adopted family a couple of years ago, pretty much everything about my life and self came under fire. Due to relentless stalking, I withdrew from the public eye for peace of mind. I was still deeply recovering from my mental breakdown, and the stress was too much for me. The majority of the content of this blog was dissected and used against me. The one fact that seemed to not compute with people is how close I am to my kids. No one on earth knows me better than my kids do. And sometimes, apparently, it takes my kids reminding me of who I am for pieces to fall back into place.

Today I look at parts of me with a brand new perspective. I realize it's okay to be me and that I need to continue to be true to myself. My reasons for going no contact with my adopted family are private for obvious reasons. I'm a pretty private person when it comes to my personal life. Not everyone gets both sides of me. There are people I've met through work in the regular world who have never met the side of me that picks the brains of creative people. Who doesn't get to know my social media screen name or see the music promotion stuff I've done. They don't know how many artists' music I've charted or written things for. Not everyone I know is welcome in both worlds. That's always been a very intentional decision on my part. My kids' identities are private, where I live is private, and what I do for a living and where is also private. It's always been that way. But that doesn't stop me from sharing the other parts of myself with the world.

It doesn't stop me from meeting really cool people, going to amazing concerts, or writing whatever I want. It doesn't stop my kids and me from making amazing memories together or being incredibly proud of each other. My kids are the best people I've ever met, and I'm grateful to be their Mom. That's always been true and always will be. So thank you, Michael, for reminding your Mom that it's okay to be me, and for always being so proud of me.

Sometimes it just takes being reminded of who you are. So you can get back to the little things that make your heart happy. I'm looking forward to fun family time at Inkcarceration in a couple of weeks. It'll be Tori's first festival, and of course, Michael and my niece will also be in the pit jamming out. To quote Michael yesterday, he won't mind if I tell you what he said. He said that I'm the only Mom he knows who goes to rock festivals with their kids. He said normally people's parents say they're going for certain people. But Michael said when he hears I'm coming, he thinks "Fuck yeah, my Mom is going. She knows this shit better than anyone." Which honestly warmed my heart because how many 23-year-olds want to hang out with their Moms like that? I have said it before, and I'll say it again, I'm the luckiest Mom on the planet. How uniquely amazing it is to have kids who love and admire you so much. I never would have imagined that Michael loves bragging about me to his friends. Like, how cool is that? It blows my mind. In my mind, I'm just someone's cringy Mom. They're my best friends and the people I love and admire the most. If you're there, come say hi. Remember, no pics of the kiddos, but definitely come say hi, we would love to meet you.

Okay, I need more caffeine. Always be yourself because no one does it better. Thanks for being my ride-or-die and always being here. You're pretty freaking amazing.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Saturday Rambles

2026-06-06T13:30:19.626-04:00

I'm pretty sure it's Saturday, but my work week was only three days in person, so it feels more like Friday. Regardless, caffeine is needed to adult, and I'm drinking it as fast as I can. They always said there would be a time when my kids would kind of outgrow me, so to speak. Yeah right. They never hit the teenage phase to begin with. Michael fell in love with one of my favorite bands, and we spent an hour this morning nerding out about it. He got to be in the pit for them at Sonic Temple and fell headfirst into love with them. So it's been a blast going through their discography with him.

I learned recently that not everyone feels music. Some people just listen to it, and frankly, that blew my mind. Like some people don't get goosebumps or get that zing when a note hits just right. It's a gift from my biological parents because it's apparently genetic, and all three of my kids do the same thing. I can't imagine living in a world where I couldn't process emotion through music. It's been one of my biggest coping mechanisms since I was tiny. Thankfully, everyone around me has always indulged me in my wickedly intense love of music. Because I can't imagine being robbed of the ability to fall in love with song after song. But that does explain why other people are so passionate about other things in life. Maybe they have that attachment to their hobbies or whatever. That's kind of cool to think about. Now, the people who feel no strong attachment to things just baffle me. I have learned that those also exist, and frankly, you terrify me. Give me the passionate weirdo who nerds out about stuff they love any day over someone who is just blank. I don't think I know how to relate to people who are just meh about everything.

I feel all the emotions all the time, and it's not just my bipolar. haha. It's in general. Like this morning, Michael was telling me about a polite spider, and I was like, yes, that's my kid. I talk to everything, alive or not. I will carry on a conversation with a neat spider chilling near me. I talk to the birds that stop and visit my window every day. I talk to inanimate objects as well. Why? I dunno, I just always have. To me, everyone and everything has a personality and a purpose. I guess it's that whole "energy cannot be created or destroyed, it just exists" thing. But I am a very big believer in soul families instead of blood families. Part of it is because I've collected my family as I've gone through life instead of having blood ties to anyone. (Except my kids because they're obviously blood-related to me.) I guess that's probably a thing for adopted kids. But it's a thing, and I've been so fortunate to meet a lot of the people who were meant to be mine as the years have gone by. It's pretty cool to meet those people and just click with them. It's how I've met the majority of the people who I'm still incredibly close to. A lot of you know I have chosen parents. We're very similar in personality and in lifestyle beliefs, even though they're a couple of decades older than me. I met them in a really unique way that we cherish to this day. So that has always been a really cool part of life for me that I have always been thankful for. And if that's a trait from my biological parents, then hats off to them. I would, however, like them to take the bipolar back because that's just rude. Haha.

Though I have to admit, on the mental health front, things have been chill. My new psych doc is incredibly good at educating me on the chemistry part of meds and how they affect mental illness. So that's been really cool to learn about. But everything has been good. I'm a very happy and healthy bean and pretty grateful for it. Though I really can't remember when my next psych appointment is, I might want to remember to call them. I'll forget at least five more times before I remember to do that. I dunno why that's just how my squirrel brain works.

Our floor at work got renovated, and it's a little unnerving because why are the desks so short? I think they think that elves work there. I'm on the short side, so they fit me fine, but I feel bad for the tall people. It all looks like perfect soldiers lined up, which was probably their intention. But I kinda miss the individuality of the office, where it had lots of character. Though I did get my own office of sorts, so I really can't complain. My boss did me a big solid on that front. So there will be no complaining on my end because my little corner of the world is super cozy even if it is teaming with work. I guess that's job security because my workload never slows down.

Next month is my birthday month, so it's practically time for Halloween. I'm kidding, or am I? Haha. We decorate for Halloween on August first because that's the anniversary of Jackson's passing. I can't believe it's been almost three years since I lost my tiny best friend, but time does indeed keep moving. I thought about the possibility of getting another bun, but Jax was so unique and so much like a dog that I just don't think I'll ever find another like him. It would break my heart to have a bun that didn't constantly want to snuggle like Jax did. So I've tabled the idea of getting another furbaby. Maybe one day, but definitely not today. Instead, I'll be happy to be grandma to Luna and Pepper, who are Michael's babies. Well, and a parent to Yuki, who is happily now bonded to Michael's kitties. I worried that she wouldn't bond well because she was so close to Jackson. But my baby girl is a herd kitty who loves life more as a bonded girl. So she's happy and thriving, which is all we want for her.

My adderall has kicked in, so I guess I should focus on being productive. I mean or I could just read a book and the odds of that happening are pretty good.

Whatever you do I hope happiness finds you and life is exactly what you need it to be.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Under Construction, kind of.

2026-04-10T16:27:00.000-04:00

To say it's been a while is a massive understatement because it's been like 6 months. Time flew by way faster than I thought it was capable of. Festival season is upon us, and the most stressful two months at work have come to a close. Today is Easter, and it's time for the odd pondering of why an Easter bunny hides eggs. Why eggs? Buns don't lay eggs, and last time I checked, they don't hang out with chickens either. But chocolate eggs are delicious, so we'll just be glad they're a thing. Though I will die on the hill that Reese's Pumpkins are superior to the egg-shaped ones. Though if I'm honest, I've eaten a few too many of those delicious chocolate-covered eggs this week. It's pretty much the only way this vegetarian eats eggs.

To say life has been busy is an understatement. I, at one point, told my boss the higher ups deadlines were, in fact, diabolical. He laughed and agreed. They believe in me way more than I really want them to. So I'm hoping they decide to leave me to my cubicle and fairy lights for a while before asking any more massive favors. Life has been good, though minus a shitty breakup. One of these days, I need to ask my psych doc to analyze my brain. Well, more than they already do. Cause I had to look back and wonder if I was drunk the entire relationship. haha. I don't even drink, so ya know it's slightly hilarious. I really shouldn't complain since I'm the one who broke up with the poor narcissistic sod. I am, as always, being slightly dramatic simply because I can.

Mental health-wise, it's been a breeze minus a manic cycle. The doc asked me what hallucinations I was having lately, and I had to tell him the freaking gnat is back. He was like, That's so unfortunate, because what if it gets in your food. I laughed and told him I've lost many a pancake the last couple of weeks. Why it likes the pancakes, I dunno, but I'm back to bagels again. I'm not gonna complain, at least it's not the water dripping one or the toilet flushing. I'm too old to have water doing anything because I swear my bladder is the size of a pea. I now go, well, I should probably pee while I'm here way too many times a week.

The other day, I was scrolling social media, and I came across a video of a lady talking about how bad things had happened to her. The guy asked her when it happened, wondering if it was recent. She told him it had been three years. He looked at her and said, " That's not a lot of time." Her face must have been confused because he clarified that it's a lot of time, but it's also really not much time. That really makes sense to me. It's been almost 6 years since I had my mental breakdown, and the doctors told me in the beginning that the recovery would take years and years, and it has. It'll take a couple more before we get where we wanna go.

But healing isn't linear, and overcoming things, growing from experiences, and paving new pathways aren't quick. It takes time to do all of those and so much more in life. Sometimes I get really frustrated with myself, and other times I amaze myself. Today I amazed myself. I was walking out of my apartment to grab my groceries and couldn't help but smile. To think I've called this place home for a couple of years now. It's one of those seemingly unimportant milestones I dreamt about three years ago. It seemed like stability was not going to remain a part of my life at all. But it did. Every day I got up and did my best. Somehow, I never got fired or kicked out of my apartment. I've hit big milestones that felt truly impossible three years ago.

I've gotten better at not self-harming when I'm overwhelmed, hit a down spell, or feel so stressed out. My fallback isn't I'mma just kill myself real quick, and instead it's I'mma go scream for a while. Because screaming, into a pillow or not, is very therapeutic. I mean, it is. If you've never done it, go try. Like that or listen to the gnarliest metal and headbang the frustration out. That would work, I suppose. I'd just give myself a headache, so throw me a pillow and I'm gouda.

But the sentiment remains. It's a couple of weeks shy of the sixth anniversary of my walking into a therapist's office and saying either fix me or I'm killing myself. Granted, fixing me isn't really doable. I would learn later. It became a let's get you out of misery and danger for a while. Then it became an okay, let's really look at your brain, and your trauma. Now I know the trauma I have is best left where it lives for eternity, undisturbed by my healing. Now it's, hey, guess what, you can grow new neural pathways around the heavy shit, and that's going to have to be enough. I mean, part of me will always be sad that there is no pre-space to go to. But life is life, and it's messy and sometimes really unfair. But the messiness sometimes leads to cool growth and development. Now we know I have not one but several major mental illnesses. We started with one med and are now comfortably at nine of them.

No one enjoys having hard stuff to learn to live with. Life's disappointments sometimes seem so vast and unyielding, and sometimes they are. But sometimes they're the tiny building blocks you eventually build an entire life on. So don't sleep on the small achievements because they eventually become big achievements, and those are pretty cool. To think that had I given up three years ago, three years after a huge mental health emergency. I wouldn't be here, listening to traffic and enjoying the cool breeze that's coming in from the open window next to me. It's going to rain soon, and that's going to be amazing. One, because I love rain, but also I live in the city, and it's kinda needed. So just remember the next time you get frustrated with your past, it's not a lot of time in many ways, even though it seems like so much time has passed. Dreams are built brick by brick, and so are healthy lives and shiny new neural pathways.

Now go be the best badass you can be.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

October Rambles

2025-10-25T11:34:00.001-04:00

Happy almost Halloween week! Fall said I'm here, but you're gonna be cold as it does here in the Ohio Valley. I think it should be mandatory that the weather is nice for Trick or Treat. It's the only day of the year when people can be anyone they want. People put a lot of effort into their costumes, so we should be able to see them. But of course it's gonna be in the 50s, so cue the kiddos fighting about wearing coats. Thankfully, my kiddos are grown, so it's not a me problem. Haha.

I'm already thinking about Christmas shopping, which is hella rude that my brain is pondering it in October. Like, let me have my pumpkins first. Granted, I haven't started shopping, so you don't need to have a coronary just yet.

There's yet another marathon happening outside my apartment window. Why are people always running? Like, kudos to everyone who chose to get up and not be lazy, but why? It's Saturday, and there isn't enough caffeine in the world. Though I can't say weight loss isn't happening in my world, cause it is. I just started Tirzepatide. I took my third shot yesterday, and I'm already six pounds down, which is really dope. Not since yesterday, lol, since I started the meds three weeks ago. I did the Semiglutide thing for six weeks, and my body said no thanks. It's wild to see what side effects psych meds cause. If you're on an antipsychotic, you have my sympathy. Those suckers cause a fierce hunger that just wants to eat literally everything. My brain says I don't even like that, and my Invega says eat it all.

I'm still slightly amazed that there is a weight requirement for knee replacement surgery. At this point, my leg might just fall off because it's been a huge process. At work like a week ago, I moved some heavy stuff. Because after all, I am still quite strong. The next day, my knee said I rage quit life and RIP your ability to do anything. Talk about a dramatic reaction to actually doing anything. So I might be a little jealous of our friends running the marathon outside. Cause damnit, I want to do something active, like literally anything. Okay not anything, just walking on a beach would be really dope. Hopefully, I'd be in the OR in January, because who wants to be recovering from major surgery at Christmas time? Definitely not me, cause we all know I'm the queen of procrastination. Though I have to be honest, having a reason to lose weight is amazing. Because it means I actually had to commit to it. Which, let's be honest, is also really cool.

I was going to perfect my peeling skeleton makeup for Halloween this weekend, but I'll probably just wing it for Halloween. It takes forever, and honestly, a nap sounds pretty good. Ya know, priorities and that stuff. Haha. I mean, unless someone also wants to do the laundry, the dishes, take out the trash, and wash my hair. Then I could probably muster up the energy to spend most of my day doing FX makeup. No volunteers? Well, that seals that deal, chores it will be, with music turned up as loud as it will go, of course. Because the neighbors need to learn what good music is, right?

I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween and gets a lot of candy. Remember, if you see teenagers trick-or-treating, give them candy. They chose to be children, and life is stressful enough for everyone. The teenagers need some magic and mystery in their lives, too, and the escapism that comes from it.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

September

2025-09-27T14:53:00.007-04:00

It's a bright and sunny day here in Ohio that doesn't really feel like Fall. My cold, rainy weather got lost on its way here again. It's the end of September, and I swear I have no idea where this year has gone. It's cool though because it's been a really good year and I'm ready for Fall. My leaves haven't changed yet, but I'm hoping soon. Though I have been burning the Fall candles since August. I figured if I wasn't going to have my butt plopped on a Florida beach, I should at least enjoy Fall. I enjoy being that annoying friend who is ready for Halloween before Labor Day. Because Labor Day is the unofficial end of summer anyway. Though it's a little weird to have back-to-school stuff and Halloween stuff in the store at the same time. I love all things Halloween, but maybe we should let the kids go back to school before we start filling store shelves with candy. Cause picking a Halloween costume and back-to-school fits would honestly feel kinda weird.

September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness month, if you missed the memo. I saw something on Facebook the other day that said that suicidal people deserve better than telling them the main reason they shouldn't kill themselves is because of how it might affect others. Which, honestly, they're right, but it surprised me that it didn't occur to me before. It went on to say that suicidal people deserve love and help, not guilt trips. That they deserve to feel like their life is worth living for their own sake. Honestly, that's kind of profound. While I agree with that very much, is it possible to convince someone who is suicidal that their life is worth living? Thinking back on my own struggles with self-harm and suicide, I'm slightly unsure of that answer.

The purpose of Suicide Prevention and Awareness Month is to educate and provide regular people with resources in case they ever find themselves in a position to need them. Everyone knows someone or knows of someone who has either attempted or will attempt in their lifetime. Get really familiar with your emergency numbers and the resources you can give people. In the US, the suicide prevention hotline is 988. You can call, text, or chat online with a caring human being day or night whenever you might need it. Life is tough, and not everyone has someone they can lean on. Knowing the signs, genuinely listening to people without judgment, and being kind can save a life. People don't commit suicide because they have to go. They commit suicide because they can't figure out how to stay. Life is hard, getting good mental healthcare is even harder, and people are really judgmental. If you can do nothing else, be that person who is kind, caring, and compassionate with people who are struggling with their mental health. There are enough judgmental assholes out there, lord knows we don't need any more.

It does sometimes take a village. I say that as someone who has their own village. My life has names on it, and for those people, I am eternally grateful. We all need those people in our lives; we can just be real with. If you can't be that person for someone, find them someone who can. There's nothing wrong with saying I can't be that person for you. Just make sure you get them to someone safe, like the amazing peeps at 988.

September was definitely an educational month for me in several ways. Yesterday I learned that adoptees are four times more likely to commit suicide. I also learned that adoption is considered complex trauma. I mean, I would imagine so because you're kind of taking an entire human being away from their family of origin and putting them with strangers. Granted, those people don't stay strangers, but it has to be kinda scary for a kiddo. I don't remember because I was an infant, but it does make sense. I was adopted a million years ago, 78 was after the baby scoop era, but they still didn't know a lot about the psychological effects of adoption. I grew up knowing I was adopted, and my arrival was anticipated. But even having a happy beginning to the story doesn't change the emotional and mental trauma that adoption is. It's a weird thing to not have a genetic mirror or know where you come from. I've never been pro-adoption, but I am glad that adoptions are no longer closed. A kid has a right to know where they come from. I don't know that it makes it mentally or emotionally easier, but it might. You can grow up in the best family with the best parents, and adoption is still going to be traumatic. It's just the nature of the beast. It is slightly alarming that it's a billion-dollar business, though.

It's Saturday, so it's football day, but all I care about is the pizza. I'm coming down the side of a hypomanic episode, so that means I have a nap in my future, and I'm not mad about it. The best part of being a sleepy girl is that I love to sleep. It doesn't hurt that it might get me out of cleaning today. It probably won't, but it would be really cool if it did. Though I did already start laundry, so I guess that counts as some productivity today.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Grapes

2025-06-21T20:51:00.004-04:00

Welcome back to the latest edition of why on Earth is it so hot outside. I looked away for five seconds, and someone said roast. If you need me, I'll be drowning myself in the nearest swimming pool because dear god. Okay, maybe more accurately hiding in the air conditioning because crutches are my life.

My life low-key feels like adventure time meets universe, and the results are going to be pretty fun. I decided to start one of those weight loss shots, so RIP my stomach. I mean, it's not like psych meds haven't already made a mockery out of my digestive system. Haha. All jokes aside, I feel really good. Yes my leg is kind of a giant pain in the ass but the rest of me feels really good. Mental health is good, though I did forget to take my Invega for like a week. My bipolar also cycled, which is 0/10, don't recommend, but she eventually got it together. My hallucinations are making fun of each other at this point. Kidding. Though I've scared the shit out of myself like four times in the last week. It's wild once you don't have hallucinations that you forget how many you actually have. If I had to rate them on most annoying to least annoying, it would be the knocking one being the most annoying. Or maybe it was the guy talking to me. I don't know. Either way, both of them are highly annoying. The funniest one was definitely..... Okay, I can't think of a particularly funny one. I was just pretty amused at all of them.

I definitely didn't have needing a couple of shiny new knee replacements on my 2025 bingo card. Rude, but here we are. We didn't get the results that we wanted. But we did get the results everyone who had seen the x-rays were expecting. I made the joke that my knees were very metal because they have horns. My orthopedic surgeon died laughing because they literally do. So my leg goes chop chop, and then life rolls on.

When they diagnosed me with sarcoidosis a million years ago. We didn't exactly know what that was going to look like for me. It's still a rare autoimmune disease, but no one knew anything about it when I was first diagnosed. So in many ways, I've just been a science experiment. haha. I've been stage four for a really long time, and it's been pretty chill. I've had minor stuff like scarring in my lungs and an increase in granulomas in my legs. But what no one clocked was that it was attacking my knee joints. So ya girl is gonna have her right knee replaced first because it said yeet cartilage and hello osteophytes x 100. So she's what currently has me on crutches, but do you want to know the really funny part? My pain tolerance is so beefy that my leg didn't even hurt until March. She's bone on bone and doing the most, and I had no idea. I'm so amused. I was just bebopping all over the place without issue, and then she said, Ope, no thanks.

I did go to Sonic Temple on crutches because keeping me away from a music festival is never happening. The level of bummed I was when Alice In Chains cancelled their set was hefty. That was like biggest bucket list band on the roster, so now I have to try again. But I did see everything else, which was really cool, and I had dope company to do it with. I saw Insane Clown Posse for the first time, and I will have that Faygo song stuck in my head for the rest of my life. It was so fun, I can totally see why Mike loved them. No, I didn't just call my kid Mike, though Michael was there. Mike is a really dope high school friend I had who died of cancer many moons ago. They were one of his favorite bands, and I wanted to see them just because he loved them. So that was super fun, I'd see them again for sure.

So I'm just chilling and working on losing weight before surgery, as one does. I thought I would be more bothered by it all than I am, so that's cool. I think I'm just comforted by my team and looking forward to being back to normal. Having a major joint replacement really isn't that scary at my age. Cause while I'm really young for it, we heal better than people who are a lot older when they get them done. I still have full extension of my legs and whatnot, so physical therapy will be more of a formality. I'mma do it, of course, but it won't be that bad or, knowing me, that painful. So I'm not sure what the rest of my summer looks like. I'm glad I went to Sonic because that might be my only concert this summer. Unless my stubborn ass decides to go on crutches and just deal with the pain. Which knowing me could happen.

There is, of course, still the question of whether or not the sarcoidosis will attack any more joints. I'm honestly okay with not knowing that answer. Just like life is too short for matching socks. Life is too short to waste time worrying about things you can't change. Worry just gives you a headache when you could be laughing at the millions of timeless moments that make your heart happy. It's easy to get lost in the "Poor Me's," but that's kinda pointless when you look at the big picture. Real talk, this disease will kill me one day. But today isn't that day. Today I'm a happy, healthy 46-year-old doing normal crap like complaining about the weather. And maybe getting a lawn so I can tell kids to stay off of it. haha.

I'm a lucky girl. I get to do all the things I love with people who make life even better every day. I'm going to be that 90-year-old in the front row of the pit cheering on my favorite artists. I mean, I already own the wheelchair, so I'm ready for it.

The biggest lesson I'm taking from all of this is this. Do the thing, buy the thing, laugh until you cry, and enjoy every minute you get. Life goes quick, and you can't get that time back. No one is going to live forever, and it's a privilege to get to make those forever memories. Don't put off to tomorrow what you can do today. We aren't gonna make it home to see the parentals or my tiny, adorable fur niece this summer. People are going to go, home? You grew up in Ohio. Yea home. When you spend so much time in a place with people you love, it eventually feels like home. Florida is always going to be my second home. I've made amazing memories with my kids on those beaches. We've made amazing memories all over the place. We have a favorite restaurant, friends, and family who are there. We sat here in Ohio, glued to the weather, watching the hurricanes tear apart places we'd walked just a month earlier. I could get to the parentals blindfolded at this point. We have the GPS on for funsies, but we all know exactly where we are going.

I've said this my entire life. Friends are the family you make for yourself. We may not get to pick our blood family, adopted for me, but we can and do choose our friends. Choose wisely because sometimes they become part of your legacy.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

If you're new here, welcome, and no, the title never has anything to do with the blog. It's a tradition that we have always had and find hilarious. ☺

Life update # whatever

2025-05-21T20:43:00.001-04:00

This week has been equally cool and bizarre and neither for the same reason. I’m a little unsure of what the universe has planned but I am so here for the adventure. It’s cool how things happen in life sometimes because you’ll have your head in the clouds and then life goes, “Oh hey, here’s something really dope.” Like cool, thanks I appreciate that, but like, what now? Haha. After the last couple of months, I could use a really cool adventure. I say that like the sky has been falling but it hasn’t been. I’m just really stubborn and I learn stuff the hard way sometimes. So, some of the stress was indeed self-imposed but I found my brain so it’s all good. I still don’t know how it’s almost June. Where the hell did April and May go? Memorial Day is next week. How?

I finally after a gazillion years finally went to Sonic Temple a couple weeks ago. Man, now I really want to buy tickets for Inkcarceration. I’m not in love with the lineup but I am geeking for another festival. Sonic was an absolute blast even if I did do it on crutches. Well, half the time. Michael got me a wheelchair for two days. Crutches? Wheelchair? Calm down I can hear you from here. Haha. I’m good, just old, or so the sports medicine doc tells me. I’ll find out this week if they’re gonna chop my leg up. I’m crossing everything that it doesn’t interfere with me plopping my butt on a Florida beach in a couple of months. Anyway, back to Sonic. GUYS. It was so fun! It was Michael’s first festival, and it even wore him out. Alice in chains cancelled. Big sad face. But I did get to see Motionless in white which was amazing.

Nothing heals or brings life into perspective like live music. I went through some heavy stuff, including my leg, and then spent four days in absolute heaven. Music has been a big source of emotional regulation for me since I was a small fry. So, sitting there pondering things with the bass reverberating inside my chest felt really good. I decided to take the hit on the chin, learn the lesson, and never make that mistake again. You can be the best person you can be, treat people even better, and still get kicked in the teeth. It was a little bump in the grand scheme of things but still equally unpleasant. I made some decisions as the music played around me that I’m pretty proud of. So, in the end I gained more than I lost so it’s all good.

My worth isn’t determined by whether or not someone values me. My worth as a human being is dictated by me and how I choose to see myself. Whether or not I can achieve things is solely determined by whether or not I want to achieve them. I just looked at the date and realized this week is the 5^th anniversary of my brain imploding. It makes me feel even better about my soul searching and positive decisions. There was a time when I would have blamed myself for the way someone treated me. I don’t do that anymore. In the last five years I’ve had a lot that I needed to come to terms with and handle. Never let anyone make you feel less than or ashamed for having a mental illness. Fuck those people. Broken crayons still color and do all the cool things like unbroken crayons. Just because your brain works a little differently it doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. You’re absolutely worthy of seeing all of your dreams come true regardless of whether or not you struggle with mental illness. Trust me, when I was diagnosed with bipolar at 24 years old, I definitely didn’t think it would end with me also being diagnosed with schizophrenia at 46 years old but here we are.

So, what if I take 9 different psych meds. They make me normal, allow me to be happy, and live a bomb ass life. Sometimes it all has to fall apart to fall back together the way it was supposed to be. We’re still capable of wanting things that are bad for us. So sometimes what you want needs shaken up a little so you can differentiate between what you want and what you deserve. Sometimes what you deserve is so much greater than you could have imagined. There are things in my life that had to change in order for me to get where I am now. Had five years ago never happened I wouldn’t have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I would have continued to live my entire life with things happening in my head I didn’t know weren’t normal. But now I get to take my Invega and be a regular old person who doesn’t see stuff that isn’t there nearly as much. Which if you ask me is hella cool. It’s nice to actually be quiet in my mind and there not be all the static.

Sometimes we have to get comfortable with shutting doors to stop the influx of things that aren’t meant for us. Not everything that sparkles is a jewel. Turds can sparkle if one swallows enough glitter. Sometimes it takes a four-day music festival to quiet all the noise enough for you to slam those doors. Remember just because someone wants to be in your life doesn’t mean they deserve to be. Sometimes ya just gotta slam those doors, but don’t be surprised when life plops something cool in your lap. You don’t need to know why things happen to enjoy the fact that they happen. As Junie always says onwards. Tomorrow is a new day for you to make more good choices and learn more positive lessons. Not everything you lose in life is a loss. Some endings are actually new beginnings.

I meet some of the coolest people in the weirdest places. I meet some of the most unforgettable people in forgettable places. I don’t know why things work the way they do but damn it, I like it.

~Until next time, be good to each other. ~

Ramen Noodles

2025-04-06T14:21:00.004-04:00

The perk of warm weather is having the windows open. The downside…. Traffic. I’m pretty sure the entire state of Ohio needs to be gifted mufflers. Like who thought loud mufflers were a cool sound? They startle the absolute hell out of me. Haha. Yes, I will be saying dear god every time one vibrates my windows. It’s kind of like telling kids to get off your lawn. Once you get to a certain age it’s publicly acceptable to tsk tsk at people. So I’mma tsk tsk away simply because I can. Before long I will incorporate the shaking my hand and going “dang kids these days.” I think I have another ten years or something before that’s a thing but I’m looking forward to it.

I made it through the back to the office thing. In typical me style I embarrassed myself during the first big in office meeting. Thankfully everyone else thought it was hilarious, but I was like where is a handy hole in the floor. People think I’m funny without realizing I’m accidentally funny. I have no comedic abilities at all. I just have a brain that pipelines out of my mouth before I realize I’ve opened my mouth. The feedback I got over the days following the meeting was really positive. However, I’ve decided I’m never leaving my office, and I’ll just avoid people forever. Haha. Kidding. My job is in my office so where else would I be? Though I can and will avoid every potluck. You can’t just eat at anyone’s house, so ya know it’s one of those things.

Sometimes as an adult I think we spend our entire adult life trying to undo the bullshit we didn’t do. The older generations always complain about the younger generations. I think the older generations forget that one thing is they are part of the problem and the other they aren’t always right. Like children are supposed to be seen and not heard. That phrase right there is so harmful and honestly selfish. Some of those antiquated beliefs are what the younger generations are fighting against. Just because you don’t think it matters doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. It just means it doesn’t matter to you. Just because you don’t think something isn’t wrong doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong.

You always hear older generations complain about people talking about their feelings, mental health, etc. How they’re babies and are soft because they don’t just suck it up and get on with it. Do you hear yourself? There’s a reason that the younger generations pay more attention to mental health. There is a reason we as parents taught our kids bodily autonomy, how to handle emotions, and that it doesn’t make them week to need mental healthcare. Why? Because our parents didn’t. We weren’t encouraged to be our authentic selves. We were raised to fit into molds. To be easily digestible and understandable and we weren’t so we were just dumb kids. So, you didn’t want to listen to us. So, we raised an entire generation or two that does. Our kids and how they act isn’t a mistake, it’s what we raised them to be. People say they’re what is wrong with this country. Fam, you have an orange with zero braincells running our entire country and we’re the problem. That’s hilarious.

Do you know how many adults I’ve met that desperately need mental health meds? They like to brag about how tough they are and how weak everyone else is. I mean if you want to spend your entire life miserable, then have at it. The rest of us are going to take our meds and live happy lives. The thing about our parents and the generations that came before is they didn’t understand what is broken. They were just so busy doing what everyone else is doing that they missed the part that they haven’t healed from the trauma they don’t want to recognize.

It’s like the “marriages don’t last like they used to anymore” debate. I challenge that belief. How many of those marriages lasted that long out of genuine love and want to be together? Okay now how many of those marriages lasted because the other couldn’t leave? It wasn’t socially acceptable to say my husband is beating me so I’m leaving. You were expected to just…. What? Suck it up and deal with it. Sound familiar? So, no it’s not that we don’t understand or respect the sanctity that is marriage. It’s that we aren’t going to tolerate being treated as less than we deserve. We aren’t going to stay in a relationship with someone who treats us badly nor should we. There’s this misguided belief that kids from a “broken home” are unhappy and won’t do as well at life. I’ll challenge that. It’s better to have two loving parents who don’t live together than two miserable parents who can’t leave. One does an immense amount of mental and emotional damage, and the other is a representation of intelligence both emotionally and mentally.

Things aren’t supposed to stay the same. Your life isn’t the life everyone else is supposed to live eternally. Each generation rights a little bit more wrong with passing time. Not all generational habits are good ones even if they’re new ones. But they’re made out of evolution because we don’t always know how far we can go until we try. The old aren’t always wise, sometimes they’re stupid. Sometimes they do more damage than good with their “wisdom.” The older generations are very devoted to keeping things the same and resisting any kind of change. That’s probably why the younger generations have championed for change, the right to bodily autonomy, and the right to live life healthy and happily.

Someone I knew used to bitch about how kids these days don’t throw bales of hay in the summer anymore. That they’re soft staying indoors and not getting in touch with nature. Do you like that electronic device you are reading this blog on? You’re welcome. That’s what the kids staying inside did. Do you realize having to throw bales of hay as a kid is child labor? That’s not earning your allowance. That’s your parents were to stingy to hire someone to do a job a child shouldn’t have been doing. Kids aren’t free labor fam that’s not how that works. It’s how it used to work back in the day, but this isn’t back in the day, and we know better now so let’s do better. There’s that evolution we learned better, so we raised the next generation knowing better. Those old-fashioned values you love to tote so much, are they actually wise or helpful values? Some are, a lot aren’t, a lot are abusive and just plain wrong. Instead of getting mad at someone for doing something different maybe learn why they’re doing it differently.

Open your mind, your brain won’t fall out.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Random Insanity

2025-03-02T17:39:00.004-05:00

I get mad at being called dramatic a lot for someone who is in fact dramatic. Have you ever done self-reflection and thought well that’s rude that they’re right? Like I’m sorry, who gave you permission to know more than me? Meanwhile they’re over there just living and being a person. But you’re like giving them a side eye they definitely don’t deserve. Literally me anytime I’m mildly inconvenienced. I quit a lot for someone who does indeed not quit. Me complicated? How dare. I’m the least complicated person you will ever meet. For someone who has an invisible island to sell you.

It's always easier to assume other people are crazy than it is to look in the mirror and go huh? I mean lets be real even I know I’m insanely complicated. I just also happen to be silly and rarely serious. My hallucinations learned how to knock on my office door like my boss does. Which honestly had me so amused I laughed about it for a full five minutes. He knocks so he doesn’t startle me and apparently my hallucinations have learned manners. I mean we support all forms of personal growth in this house. Even if said personal growth happens in the form of hallucinations it seems.

I’ve been MIA, I know, it’s not been intentional. I would honestly like to know who hands out the last year was 5 minutes ago thing. Because I swear it was Feb 1^st literally two days ago. How did an entire month fly by without me even realizing it? Time flies by when you’re happy and content it seems. Mental health wise it’s been a quiet and uneventful month. I genuinely don’t remember when they raised my Invega, but it’s been pretty chill. I’m almost afraid to say it but it really was a pretty routine month. Nothing big or scary has been on tap which is really cool. I still feel all the mental illness when I wake up in the morning before I take my meds. There was a couple of times I was ready to rage quit life only to realize I forgot to take my meds. Once my meds were in me, I was like oh okay there I am. Haha. It’s a lot like the I am not myself when I’m hungry and in enters a snickers bar. Then poof, normal. So as long as I take my meds, and no one tests my crazy I’m happy and fairly harmless. I still wouldn’t recommend testing the crazy because meds only do so much heavy lifting. Haha.

Let’s see, on the life front, it’s also been pretty uneventful. Lots of working, sleeping, and annoying the living hell out of the world. I’m very good and quite committed to annoying the living hell out of people. I can tell you one thing that absolutely has become the bane of my existence. Psoriasis. Why on earth is that shit so pissed off this time of year? The back of my poor neck is for lack of better words coming for my throat. I swear March and April don’t know if they want to be the entire world is devoid of moisture or just plain moist. March has indeed also chosen violence, and I already want a refund. Anyway, if you have a spare bottle of car oil I can use as a moisturizer, that would be great. Haha. I complain now but in no time, it’s going to be hi summer where did that sunburn come from? Ugh. Is it lying on the beach time of year yet? If you got whiplash imagine being in the brain that wrote that. 😊

I’m that person in the office people can’t figure out. They’re like she is so quiet, but also does she talk? Then I talk and they all go “Oh she’s the funny one.” When I want to be the center of attention, I have that in the bag. I have always been pretty outgoing but if I want to be left alone my RBF will do the heavy lifting. Thankfully for the people at work I’m usually in just needs caffeinated or funny mode. But dear god don’t let me get cornered by the one chick who never shuts up. I’m still not completely convinced she’s breathing. I swear she just vomits words at an alarming rate for absolutely no good reason. I would ask her if she’s good but that would require me to get pulled into a conversation and no thank you. She’s a great person. I’m just not good at not disassociating when someone talks forever. Cause then I feel bad because I wasn’t listening, but my brain is on big overload and it’s a whole thing. Haha. Nah for real though I have a really great job I absolutely love with a really dope boss. I get to hangout by myself the majority of the time so it’s pretty chill.

We were having a meeting the other day and before it this older lady was asking me if I liked being by myself a lot. I was like yea I have schizo so it makes it a lot less awkward sometimes. Bless her she was like “oh my godddd, I think I have that.” I wanted to hug her because she’s adorable and genuinely one of my favorite people. No one has ever made me feel more seen and included in life that that moment right there. It’s like a secret handshake but corporate mental health club. No oh man you’re bonkers. Or excuse me while I sit wayyyyyyyyyy over here, so I don’t catch your germs. Nope she just smiled and was like omg me too and wanted me to listen to her issues. Like yes queen thank you for coming to work today. May we all strive to be as happy and unbothered as her.

Life’s tough, our political environment is toxic as fuck, and we’re all just trying to survive. Sometimes you just gotta enjoy those little moments that are nothing but fun. Not only is it good for your mental health, it’s also good for your body. So next time life gets ugly go laugh about the silly things in life. Your blood pressure is definitely going to thank you even if your wrinkles don’t. I always knew I was going to have a face that looked like a road map when I was old as dirt. But that’s okay I’ve earned ever single one of them. Who needs perfection when you can just be happy.

~Until next time, be good to each other. ~

Beginnings and Endings

2025-02-01T13:02:00.001-05:00

Oh, hey look, January finally left. I swear I thought it would hang out for another gazillion years. I know some of you have been like where the heck is she? The Invega kicks my butt the first couple of weeks after they increase it. So, I’m well rested at least. I started intermittent fasting and calorie counting last week now that the eat everything urges are gone. Kinda sounds like a lot, right? One is for my binge eating, which is new for me this last year and I’m not a fan. The other is to make sure I don’t eat before I go to bed because that never ends well. So now I’m just hungry all the time. So, approach cautiously, but don’t bring chocolate or I’ll bite you.

Why are people so weird? Like I know, that sounds judgmental, but I really don’t understand people. I don’t even want to be me so why do you want to be me? Anyway, that was a weird experience that I would prefer to skip for the rest of my life. I really wish people would learn to love themselves because that would make life a lot less weird. Besides that, I’m not that cool or interesting. I’m actually pretty boring because all I do is work, be a dork, take my meds, and sleep a lot. Like I’m a champion napper so if that’s a life goal of yours then cheers. It is not a life goal of mine I was just born a sleepy girl.

My house no longer looks like a depression cave. I have a few things left to do but yesterday was really productive. I just wish having depression cave problems weren’t one of my problems. It genuinely can’t be that hard to keep a clean space so why can’t I figure out how to do it? That my friends is the million-dollar question and I don’t have an answer for it. I’d love to know how people just do things without having to talk themselves into things. But alas I wasn’t given that ability, so I have to get tired of myself before I motivate and that’s annoying. However, on the plus side, I annoy myself a lot, so it doesn’t take me that long to focus. So today I will finish cleaning I suppose.

I decided for the first anniversary of living in this apartment I would redecorate it. Technically the anniversary is on the 7^th of this month but I’m already planning. Can you believe I’ve lived here for a year? I can’t. It’s wild to me that I’ve been at my job for two years in a couple of weeks. It took so long for things to come back together and honestly at times it felt like it never would. But I am now as medically stable as I’ve probably ever been in my entire life. My grandma dying was undoubtedly the hardest thing I’d gone through in life. I wasn’t prepared for my life to implode two months later. I mean we know my major manic episode was brewing long before she died. But two months later, I hit rock bottom.

I wondered for a long time if she would have been proud of me and later realized she absolutely would have. She knew something was wrong with me beyond what other people knew or admitted. We’d had many conversations about things before her dementia really got bad. She knew about a lot more things than she probably ever would have repeated. She loved me beyond words and was always my biggest cheerleader. So, I think today, knowing what we know now, she’d be very proud of the person I am today. When she died, she then had access to the answers to the questions I’d never answer. She then knew what she needed to know in life that would fill in some of the gaps I kept to myself. And truthfully that’s all I needed to know to understand that she would have had my back regardless. Not to say she didn’t have my back when she was alive, she did. There’s a reason I’ve always called her my angel because that’s what she was, is, and will always be. She was the light that showed through even the darkest and most complicated of times. Same with my grandpa, he was and will always be my hero. He never let me down, not once, and neither did she.

I’ve heard a lot of versions of things not being true and I think a lot of people didn’t realize that my grandma was my best friend and confidant. So, in a lot of ways walking this path without her was extra difficult. She lived a long life and more than deserved her peace in death. She lived to be 98 years old, and most people don’t even get their grandparents in their 20s. I was 41 years old when she passed and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I’d heard a lot of I’m moody, I get mad a lot, etc. and a chunk of that was situational. Throughout my life, there was one main source of contention. I am and have always been self-aware enough to recognize that. I’d given them grace and let them keep things to themselves though I should have spoken up. My grandma was aware of that, and I kept every single promise I made to her. Part of that promise was to live my life on my own terms and I’m doing that. I’d struggled with suicidal depression since I was 19, diagnosed with bipolar at 24, and though I did well for a long time. We always knew there would come a time when I would have to face the beast that was my mental health.

I was terrified of what a diagnosis of schizophrenia would do to me and how it would affect my world. Bipolar, suicidal major depression, PTSD, I understood all of those because I could see them. I could feel those, and I largely understood them, but the S diagnosis was something I refused to think about. Until that day in August when the doc said it out loud. Then I realized running from it wasn’t something I’d ever be able to do again. Today I am sitting here planning on redecorating my apartment and going to a job I love on Monday morning. Today my mind is clearer than it’s ever been and for that, I am eternally grateful. I’ve learned that some diagnoses aren’t the end of the world. She did in death what she wasn’t able to do in life which led me down the road to answers. She gave me the peace I’d never found and the strength to walk away from things and people who hurt me.

This isn’t the path that I’d ever thought would be mine, but it is mine. It’s been difficult and to some degree, it’s always going to be. But now I have peace. I’m going to post this blog; finish cleaning my apartment and then finish planning my redecorating. Tonight, I will go to bed in a bed I love in an apartment I’m grateful for. With the knowledge that I’m loved and for once the peace of minimal hallucinations. Life didn’t end when I was diagnosed. I think in a lot of ways it finally began again. It’s okay for things to have a different ending than you planned. Love the people who love you because in the end that could be what saves you.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Worth It

2025-01-04T17:45:00.001-05:00

How many blankets do you need before being in a frozen tundra doesn’t feel like an alternate form of hell? I’m kidding. Well, kind of because it is really cold, and supposedly Mother Nature is set to have a meltdown. But I’ll believe it when the snow starts piling up. We know how meteorologists are with the insane predictions and then you get a couple of flurries. Someone needs to hand men a ruler because their estimate of inches is wildly off the majority of the time. But we did make it to the longest ten years of our lives, also known as January. Someone needs to do a study on why January lasts seventeen lifetimes. Because lemme tell you it feels like 10,000 years by the time February rolls in.

I have officially eaten all of the candy canes and put the Christmas tree away. Surprisingly it fits back into its box which is just seven levels of weird. I don’t think I’ve ever had one fit into the box so I wasn’t sure if I should be proud or disturbed. Regardless, I taped it up and popped it back into the closet where it will live for the next year. It did however require me to move 5 gazillion pairs of shoes to do so. So, if you see said closet mind ya business and leave my shoes alone. I also need to bring the four pairs of shoes that live under my desk at work home. I don’t need them home but I’m sure the cleaning crew thinks I live there. I did find the hoodie I was missing it was buried on my desk. Did I bring it home? Nope, I forgot it and probably buried it again but that’s a Monday issue.

I was walking home one day this week when a stranger gestured to my face smiling. I’m sure I gave resting bitch face in return because I was deep in thought. Listen my face doesn’t ask for permission and does its own thing. It took me a second to realize they were pointing at my lips. I’ve had viper bites for a while and I kinda forgot that they’re there. So, when people point them out it reminds me that it's not the most common thing where I live and work. There’s something to be said for being the weird one. People always think standing out is a bad thing but it’s actually a good thing. Being able to authentically be yourself is a really freeing thing. Societal rule requires everyone to look acceptable to the majority. They treat people who are different like they are this weird anomaly. But do you want to know the truth? Those people meeting societal expectations wish they dared to be who they authentically want to be.

Being the “weird one” is often something people are envious of even if they pretend it isn’t. There are a lot of people who are afraid to be that free-spirited person who marches to the beat of their own drum. My boss and I had that conversation recently. People tend to count me out because I look different, and my boss said something I thought was pretty cool. I was telling him that a certain group of people were finally starting to realize I am a smart girl. He said that’s why you should never judge a book by the cover because sometimes you miss the novel. He’s so right. By judging people based on the way they look you miss some really great experiences. I’m really lucky that my boss has always been one of my biggest fans. Even when I was interviewing, he didn’t think twice about my facial piercings. He’s in his 60s, religious, and fairly conservative himself but he for whatever reason enjoys watching me impress people.

He also thinks I’m hilarious but mainly because I’m always happy and joking around. I mean let's be honest you can’t be on this many psych meds and not be the chilliest person in the room. So, I think to a degree I balance the team out because I’m the easygoing one. I’ve always done this and probably always will but I’m the first person to compliment other people. Not in a “look at me” way but because I know what it’s like to be an outcast from the time I was young. It’s never fake. I love building other people up because they deserve to love and be proud of themselves. I’m forever thanking people and pointing out their strengths. Life is hard enough without tearing each other down. You don’t have to all look alike to genuinely support each other. You can enjoy someone’s uniqueness without trying to squash that part of them. We don’t have to be who everyone understands. It’s okay to be the person people don’t completely understand. Not understanding someone doesn’t equal judgment, hate, or any belief in them being less than unless you want it to.

Not everyone is going to love you but that’s not your problem. I think I’ve said this recently, “Be a good person but don’t waste time proving it.” Standing up for what you believe in and setting healthy boundaries doesn’t require approval or explanation. Wearing what you love doesn’t mean other people ridiculing you should be something you should expect. Your personal style doesn’t mean other people should treat you badly. As much as the people in my life love me and my personal style some people hate it and that’s okay. Being mean isn’t okay and shouldn’t be something other people have to tolerate.

It’s 2025. Be the person that you wished you would have been when you were younger. There’s no time limit on changing and evolving as a person. If the people disapprove of who you are that’s on them and their expectations. You aren’t responsible for other people's feelings or thoughts about your body and what you put on it. That’s all them. What is yours to do is be loving and accepting of other people. Don’t be the asshole of the friend group who is always negative and talks down to people. Cause that’s not being a friend, that’s being an enemy, and no one needs that person in their life. Your dose of “reality” is your reality and doesn’t have anything to do with the person anyone else is. Maybe try to learn about their reality. You never know you might just like it.

Go forth and be the amazing badasses you are. I slept in so I'm going to go forage for lunch and be a badass afterwards. 😁

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

The Impossible

2024-12-28T18:44:00.004-05:00

In a couple of days, 2024 will come to a close and everyone will have shiny new resolutions to break. I’m of course still going to be the hot mess you already know and love. I think last year I may have set hopes for the coming year. I’m going to do that again this year, I think. Armed with my lucky veggie pork and sauerkraut of course. I still don’t know where that tradition comes from exactly. But I love sauerkraut so you will hear no complaints from me. My neighbors might mind but I’m still making it. Though I kinda hope it’s not 5000 degrees when I make it. Why does it feel like spring outside? I swear I will die on the hill that Ohio is more bipolar than I am. Okay stop laughing that’s mean. Haha.

The week between Christmas and New Year is so confusing. If I get any more tired, I will sleep until the new year shows up. Does anyone know what we are supposed to be doing right now? Cause I have no idea. I do know I had to work, and my brain was 99.9% absent. I’m still not sure when I’m expected to be in the office next. The last time I saw my boss he said eh you figure it out. So apparently, I can go back whenever I want to? Don’t offer me time to not wear shoes, sir. I will take it and live there. Shoes and bras are the root of all evil and should be ignored as long as humanly possible. Tho I am starting to wonder if my feet have forgotten that dress shoes are a thing. So, the new year will be exciting for everything but my feet. Haha.

Mental health-wise, it’s been pretty quiet on that front, so I’m kind of afraid to poke it. So, we’ll just pat it and back away quietly, so we don’t anger it. I’m going into the new year as medically stable as I have been in literal years. My bipolar has decided that it can indeed keep its hands in the cart at all times. It hasn’t played tug a war with my emotions as often, so we’ll take that as a solid win. I still think jumping off of a bridge sounds good at times. But ya know if my brain isn’t a little spicy at times it wouldn’t be my brain.

So, what exactly do I want to happen in 2025? I don’t really know. I know I want to stay happy, stay medically stable, and take over the world. Kidding. No taking over the world for me. That’s way too much pressure and I’m kinda lazy. I can’t even imagine half of the amazing things that could happen. I’m at a point in life where I’m just happy to have a seat at the big kid's table. For so long I felt like my life was at the mercy of my mental health and to a degree it is. But it doesn’t feel much like that anymore. Now it kinda feels like I get to build my life day by day and I like it better that way. It’s nice to feel some semblance of control return to my life. I know I’ve held the key the entire time but sometimes that key felt lost. Now it feels like it’s in the pocket of my backpack with the rest of the keys. There’s a freedom in that. A freedom I wasn’t sure I’d ever feel again but here we are. Sometimes it feels like all things do is fall apart until they start falling back together. It’s incredibly dope to watch things fall back together knowing they’re actually going to stay together.

Half of life is surviving the other half is believing in the impossible. I used to be really good at believing in the impossible and just waiting for cool stuff to happen. Then I wasn’t and the entire world scared the living shit out of me. Let's be honest sometimes it still scares the shit out of me. But a big thing I want to take into 2025 is hope. Hope I’ve learned is where the belief in the impossible resides. Sure, you can think you're entitled to something you aren’t. There’s always room for error. But hope is the key that unlocks the possibility of everything good happening. Yes, hard work is important, and it does play a big part in big things coming to fruition. But if you didn’t hope they could you wouldn’t be working so hard to make it happen. So, half of life is trying to stay afloat, and the other half is manifesting that dope thing you are working hard to achieve. If I learned anything in 2024 it’s not to laugh in the direction of manifestation, it will laugh at you. Because you can manifest bad things. You can spend so much time stuck in your negativity and self-doubt that you manifest those things. It’s scary to hope. It’s scary to fall in love. It’s scary to plan your future. But the underlying story is hope. You hope because your heart wants it. You believe because your heart needs it. You make it because your mind knew it could.

So, while we write those fancy shiny New Year’s resolutions don’t forget to add a dash of hope. Add some “I wills” and sprinkle in a bunch of “it happened.” Set yourself up for success by believing success is an option and not a possibility. This time next year you might just close the year out as impressed as I am today. The universe definitely knew what it was doing. I didn’t so much but it had it all planned out. So, I won’t go into the new year with any resolutions. But I am going with a bunch of hope and some pretty nifty plans for the future. See you there.

~Until next time, be kind to each other.`

Are you ready?

2024-12-21T15:45:00.002-05:00

Christmas is in a couple of days, it’s super cold, and of course, we have no snow. I remember it being snowy and stuff on Christmas as a kid. Now we’re lucky if we get snow every 10^th Christmas. Which is slightly inconvenient since Christmas is the only time I want snow. Am I ready for Christmas? Nope lol. It would be the end of the world if I had my life together before Christmas. The benefit of having grown kids is I can wrap whenever I feel like it. Read that as throw things in gift bags. Haha. I bought for my future son-in-law’s little boy this year and learned something about myself. I would buy the entire toy store if I could afford it. That and the clothing department because the little jumpers are so cute. Before anyone goes OMG son-in-law. They’ve been together several years so in my mind he’s been my son-in-law for a long time. Haha. It’s just one of those you’re family now things.

The life front has been interesting and incredibly cool. Mental health-wise it’s been a fairly uneventful couple of weeks. I had two new hallucinations but genuinely can’t remember what they were. So, thank you Invega. I had a coworker come into my office the other day to chat. I didn’t really know her well though any interactions we have had were cool. I’m a chill person who respects everyone until I have a reason not to. Even then I’m still polite and professional because duh I need my paycheck. But it was cool and for her kinda comforting when she started talking about her mom having hallucinations and them being super stressful. That I was able to volunteer that I struggled with them as well. I very much appreciate being able to help people when I can. I gave her some tips and tricks that I was taught by my med doc to try. She sent me a message yesterday telling me they worked well for them. So that was really dope. I’m glad they helped both of them because hallucinations are a bummer sometimes and even I have had meltdowns over them. But overall everything with my mental health has been gravy.

I ate brownies for lunch because I was left unsupervised and no one told me no. haha. I mean being an adult has to have perks, right? If I’ve learned anything the last couple of weeks is that the universe is incredibly good to me. There are a lot of things that happened in 2024 that I didn’t have on my bingo card. There things I wanted but not things I ever thought were on tap. The last couple of days I’ve looked back and I just cannot believe how cool this year has been. Coming into 2024 I only knew that the later half of 2023 had been hopeful and that good life things were starting to finally fall back into place. So I was optimistic without any real definite goals besides my job and spending as much time as possible being the best mom I could be.

Honestly, the universe said hold my bag because 2024 is going to blow your mind and it did. At this point I’m just here like okay universe guide me in 2025. When my manic hit in 2020 my life as you know basically burned to the ground. Those first years were simply people trying to keep me alive and trying to fix my brain. But somewhere along this road some really great things happened. I’ve noticed the people around me being much more outspoken about their mental health. They’ve shared more, and shown a lot more compassion to the world around them. They’ve worked incredibly hard to build supportive networks and I’m so proud of them. I have no words for how amazed and blessed I feel to be part of their community. I’ve watched my life rebuild brick by brick in ways I never could have imagined. I have the utmost respect for those who handed me bricks and those who helped me figure out how to lay them. I’m deeply grateful for the amazing people who took a risk and gave me a chance. It takes a village and if anyone ever tells you otherwise, they’re full of shit.

Having a village requires us to speak up and let people know we need help. I know there is this weird belief that in order to be successful, you don’t tell people anything personal. But that’s not true. Your success sometimes depends on letting people know you need help getting there. Are there going to be people you don’t bring with you? Of course, there are. Boundaries are a big part of being successful emotionally. You might be thinking, what does being emotionally successful even mean? It means being happy, peaceful, and comfortable in your mind and emotions. The most amazing thing you can do is like who you are. Perfect doesn’t equal happiness. It equals being dishonest with yourself and the people around you. It’s okay to be a hot mess. People will still love you. The people who love you at your worst are actually the ones who love you best.

Going into 2025 I don’t have a game plan. I’ve learned that the best things happen for you when you’re open to whatever could happen. There are things I hope will happen, but I’m not committed to them being the only thing that can happen. Mostly I just want to be happy and I very much am. I’m truly medically stable for the first time in almost five years. I’ve lived alone for ten months and still love it. I love my little apartment and my comfort space. I got a full-sized tree this year and it’s beautiful. I’m going to go to bed tonight in my bed with my blankies, england, and this really cute pumpkin pillow I got at Halloween. Jax is chilling on my vanity, and I love having him in our new place. I wish he was hopping around it but that’s okay. I’m learning to be okay with things that seem impossible. And I’m learning slowly that when it’s time for things in life to fall in place they will.

I’m also learning that some futures are meant to be built on the ashes of one that burned to the ground. Not every failure is actually a failure in the grand scheme of life. So maybe next time it falls apart, believe it can also fall back together. Because not only can it but it will. It won’t happen overnight, and you’ll amass a village but that’s how it’s supposed to happen. Futures are built day by day and I hope 2025 gives you a million reasons to smile. I hope it gives you everything you need and helps you build a solid foundation for the future you will build brick by brick.

Happy Holiday’s everyone! If you’re spending the holiday alone just remember you aren’t truly alone. You are loved, and cherished, and you are the coolest person alive in someone's eyes.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Marshmallows

2024-12-01T18:16:00.002-05:00

I don’t know who ordered winter, but I need you to come get it. What part of not wanting to sweat on my way to work equaled being plopped down in the arctic tundra? Kidding I’m happy to see snow even if freezing my nose off is a daily thing. I actually did some black Friday shopping, shocker I know, but I did it from my beanbag chair. So, I’m not entirely sure if that actually counts. I’m sure it probably wasn’t actually a deal but when the gift inspiration hits, we go with it. That was after we vegged out and ate pizza of course. No one should shop on an empty stomach. That’s how you end up buying the entire snack food aisle.

I started taking my Adderall again Friday since it was finally back in stock. I swear I wish this Adderall shortage would be a thing of the past. At any rate, I have the concentration of a surgeon currently. I forget how chaotic my brain is without it. And I get a lot more done without having to go on fifteen different side quests all while trying to do one thing. Like I actually focused and cleaned the entire house in one day. Instead of taking a week and still having little mess piles everywhere. I’m not sure what’s up with the mess piles because clutter stresses me out. But apparently, my brain is only so capable of organizing. Am I going to do something about it? Probably not. So, I guess it doesn’t bother me that much. Haha.

People genuinely baffle me. Mostly their lack of self-awareness and honesty with themselves. A long time ago I decided to keep certain things to myself to protect people. I now know it was the wrong decision, and I get that. I will right that wrong. But something about me is I’m the same person online as I am offline. There’s no smoke and mirrors, I don’t talk about my entire life online because the people I love deserve their privacy. I’ve talked before in length about my kid’s decision to stay out of the public spotlight. I don’t talk about where I work, where I live, or the details of my everyday life. Trust me, it’s boring lol. There are boundaries in place for us just like there are all of you. There’s nothing at all wrong with that. It’s to maintain a healthy parasocial relationship and keep everyone safe.

So, it’s weird to me when someone, or someone’s, infers themselves into things that aren’t public. I write you life-based stories and I love doing it. But it’s still a parasocial relationship unless you know me in regular life. And even then, there is an area of carryover where irl people do weird things. There’s also this thing called projection where for whatever reason people project facts and personality traits onto me that aren’t actually mine. I’m a very happy and well-adjusted human being who loves who I am. When I tell you who I am, and you tell me I’m lying I don’t know what to tell you. No matter how you twist your projection onto me it’s still going to be your projection and not me. My peace has been hard earned and I am very much a self-made person. I’m endlessly honest about my faults and flaws, I have many. I have no reason to lie about them, or myself, to you or myself. I have told the details of my life and been polygraphed on them, not once, but twice. I have nothing to hide.

I’m the same giant dork in real life as I am on here. I made my animal crackers dance before I ate them today. I will 100% forget why I walked into a room but know the lyrics of dozens of songs by heart. I’ll never be considered a success by anyone’s expectations. I can barely afford to live let alone own a home. I’ve struggled with my mental health my entire life. These aren’t tales, this is my literal reality, and though it’s hard a lot of the time. I love my life. I’ve climbed some incredible mountains and felt some incredible pain. I’m proud of myself for working so hard to find a will to live with a body that just begs to die. Part of that is putting boundaries in place and holding people accountable. Those boundaries don’t just apply to other people. They apply to me even more than they do to other people.

I’ve made mistakes. I’ve chosen to remain silent on topics I never should have been silent about. That’s going to change, on my terms, because it’s my story to tell. There are burned bridges I’m never going to repair because they should have been burned decades ago. We aren’t born knowing all the right answers and sometimes our love for others is at the cost of ourselves. So, after a very long time, I’m finally choosing me. I’m choosing me and my mental health so that I can really dig the next I dunno 30 years Ish before I croke. If I have to be alive and all gazillion of you demand it. Haha. I owe it to myself to live a life I’m at peace with. It took me a long time to get here but here I am.

There’s always going to be people in your life that don’t want you to change. Make sure you aren’t one of them.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~

Thanksgiving Rambles

2024-11-23T11:31:00.001-05:00

Happy Saturday before Thanksgiving. I still don’t know where November went but alas it’s pretty much over. It snowed the other night so of course I sat by the window and watched it. The weather is finally getting cold and honestly, I’m kind of loving it. I don’t love being cold, but I love not sweating so I’ll take it. Looking cute when you walk into work sweating from the heat is hard. Haha. I still have to sort out a Christmas tree, but I’ll take care of that this week. I’m super excited to see the apartment lit up with all the happy Christmas lights. Multicolor of course because there’s nothing better.

Jax came home the other week for the first time in the 15 months since he passed. It was just as emotional as you imagine but I think I’m mostly used to having my tiny fluffy bestie in an urn. Well as much as someone can. I started working on finishing his memorial stand and had an idea to hand make his name to go on top. Ya girl is not crafty, so the thought is gonna have to count on that one. Naw, it’s cute but not the most skilled and that’s okay.

On the mental health front things are going well. I’m mostly used to the Invega, and the hallucinations have really reduced which is fantastic. I still have some which is expected because brains do brain. I did have to start taking it in the morning because it was doing the insomnia thing. Which of course is bad so I’ll probs cycle again here soon. But after that it should be smooth sailing, which is a big relief. I don’t so much mind the schizo/schizo affective diagnosis I’m just glad everything is becoming routine. It’s been a long mental health road but it’s dope AF that it’s all treated and good now.

People are going to start doing the things I’m thankful for thing. To celebrate their accomplishments and what not in 2024. I survived and that’s good enough for me honestly. It was a neat year, and a lot of really great things happened but mostly I just survived. I’m good with that. If you went out and kicked life’s butt, I hope you celebrate it. I hope you always find time to congratulate yourself and everyone around you. Just do me a favor and please don’t post pictures of raw birds and plates of food. We’re all gonna be eating the same thing so skipping that would be great. I’m actually not eating Thanksgiving food for Thanksgiving. Or at least I’mma try not to because pizza on Thanksgiving sounds so much better. Not just any pizza, homemade pizza. I mean lets be real people deserve to have the time off work to spend it with their families.

If you’re black Friday shopping, I hope it’s from your phone. I’ve never understood black Friday shopping personally, but you do you. It’s definitely everyone breathing on each other season and I don’t really want to participate in that. Though if I don’t get covid in December it will be a Christmas miracle. I now have a 3 for 3 record with getting covid in December. Ugh. Actually, how bout I never get covid again because I’ve had it so many times. There should be like an automatic limit because it’s gnarly and I don’t wanna. But regardless I’m sure I’ll be out an about this holiday season and probably get sneezed on. Which speaking of Christmas how’s everyone’s budgeting going? I’d kinda like black Friday discounts to be on utilities and groceries because omg. Like yea sure I want to pay half my income just to eat vegetables. Haha. Oh well, we’ll get through it even if it’s a pain in the butt.

Michael is indeed a normal 21-year-old, and his adventures are hilarious. I don’t know what is cooler in life than watching your kids grow up. When they’re little you wonder what they’ll be like as adults. Then you hit the dreaded teenage years, I’ve heard, mine never got there, I swear it’s coming though, right? Then they have the audacity to grow up and become adults. I’ve always raised my kids to be okay even if I’m no longer here. But Michael took the independence to another level the week before last. Homie went and had his wisdom teeth pulled, BY HIMSELF, like who does that? My hero I swear. I was sad that he didn’t need Momma anymore but also in awe of his level of badass.

Tori, that apple did not fall far from the tree. She’s a small version of me and it’s just as maddening and cool as you can imagine. Christian, who the hell gave him the right to be 27 years old already? He’s the OG cool kid and the one I learn the most from still to this day. They were just small five seconds ago and now they’re adults. It’s a really cool experience and though I’m often told way more than I need to know. The TMI struggle is real, haha. It’s still the coolest thing ever to have grown kids you genuinely like as people. I’m a lucky human and I am very aware of it.

Okay it’s probably time for a nap, I got up stupid early for no good reason. Maybe today I’ll start hacking away at the 100s of DMs I currently have. If I haven’t responded I'll get to it eventually. Those suckers have become overwhelming, I guess that’s the price of procrastination, but I’ll get to them at some point. Hopefully long before it becomes 200s of DMs because then I might just give up and forget about them altogether. Kidding, I think. 😊

Go forth and be the amazing goober you know you are. I hope you all have a happy and healthy Thanksgiving holiday. Just don’t go be a meanie after the turkey cause the economy is hard and everyone needs all the bargains.

~Until next time, be good to each other.~