Funny Jokes Collection

Aunt Emma

2008-07-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because
of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety,
always demanding. Finally the old lady died.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife,
Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up
with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.

His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried.
I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!!

Bad Hearing

2008-07-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."

He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"

She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"

Very Smart Answer

2008-07-25T22:56:00.000-07:00

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

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The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, he?'

The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'

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A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Official Love Letter

2008-07-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

To
Juliet

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)

Do You Have an E-Mail

2008-07-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Some Company.

The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.

He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.

He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some Company!"

Begger's Expense

2008-07-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50

"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.

"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.

"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."

"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

"Four," the man replies.

"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

I Don't Want to go to School

2008-07-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

Ways to Get Rid of a Telemarketer

2008-07-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
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2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.

When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.

See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
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3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
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4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.

Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
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5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
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6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
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7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
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8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
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9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
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10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."

Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
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11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
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12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.

If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).

If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Cold Water

2008-07-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend.

He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.

The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.

As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted the old man from inside.

Facts About Men and Women

2008-07-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.
7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Doctor Certified

2008-07-06T03:17:00.000-07:00

I certified that Mr. /Miss ________________ _ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.

Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.

Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.

The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc. which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient

- Dr. Impatient

Girls and Boys

2008-07-06T03:14:00.000-07:00

WOMAN has MAN in it .

SHE has HE in it.

Mrs. has Mr. in it.

LADY has LAD in it.

MISTERESS has MISTER in it.

MADAM has ADAM in it.

HOSTESS has HOST in it.

FEMALE has MALE in it

......and so on the list is never ending

SO NO need to be proud ....Girls

YOU are always incomplete without Boys....

Imagination

2008-07-06T03:12:00.000-07:00

Teacher : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught fire?

Student : Simple, Stop imagining.

Stupid Health Question & Answer

2008-07-05T03:22:00.000-07:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Two Lawyers

2008-07-05T03:19:00.000-07:00

Two lawyers, John and George, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. John offers George a $50 bet. George agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, George is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to John. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, George secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," John says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' John says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Funniest on Life

2008-07-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement RING, wedding RING, and suffeRING.
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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
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The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"
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"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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Good To Laugh

2008-07-04T03:29:00.000-07:00

A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
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One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
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Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
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Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
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A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC
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Q: What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
A: It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
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Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
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If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
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Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.
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When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
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"A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein

How to Catch a Lion?

2008-07-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion.
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Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
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Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
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Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .
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George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Teacher And Student

2008-06-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

Teacher : Why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

Student : You told me to do it without using tables...
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Two students were fighting at the school... A teacher ask one of them..

Teacher: Why are you fighting?

Student : This fool left the answer sheet blank...

Teacher: So what?

Student: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied...

Girls At Aged....

2008-06-20T04:19:00.000-07:00

What is the difference between girls aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story...

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed...

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed...

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed...

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed...

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Wrong Question At Wrong Time

2008-06-20T03:31:00.000-07:00

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
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2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
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3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
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4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??

Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
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5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
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6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
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7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
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8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
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Things Go Better With....

2008-06-20T03:26:00.000-07:00

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. Few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane.

They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walkedup to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah.." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew were shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things'?"

The chief said, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."

BASTARD

2008-06-20T03:21:00.000-07:00

GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST:You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: .....Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .....Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

Lawer's BMW

2008-06-19T03:17:00.000-07:00

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,

"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gooood....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

Man With Earings

2008-06-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."