Seven Stories Shared

From: Dust….To: Dust

2014-07-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

A letter from this girl from dust...

Dust....just think of it....from dust and His mighty breath each one of our vulnerable souls begins to take form! Knitting together the innermost workings of our spirits, our minds and our bodies. Whispering a wholeness, that He is well aware this sinful world will at some point break...but beloved, do not be afraid, His plan has always been ahead, and behind, and even in this very moment; the plan to restore us back again to the original design, a reflection more like His own! Restored back to that breathtaking masterpiece that He had in mind as you were created from His very essence and being. Yes you...the one reading the words from this very page. You are beyond value to Him who brought you to life. You are one in a trillion! The process of mystery and beauty that our forgetful hearts will rarely rely on or remember; We are His and He is ours. So where would I be going with all of this talk, well rightfully so, to the very beginning of my own tragic failure to know my worth is in Him alone...
Let’s start with, I’ve never been the girl who longed for or fantasized about the love of my life or my wedding! I didn’t go in and out of relationships searching for meaning; but I did go in and out of promiscuity in search for control! I often stood alone, falsely brave, sure that I could do anything and mindlessly surrendered to the brokenness that said I didn’t need anyone. Yet the brokenness was more clearly that I couldn’t trust anyone, so I wouldn’t place myself in positions that meant I must. Except for the occasional crazy cycle of only risking with those whom I knew would fail me because then I could innately rationalize my disfunction and continue down this broken road that would, thankfully, lead me to You Lord...
Then there was the day that I felt like You handed my heart to someone You trusted! And boy did I think I was ready. So I must impart here for all of you “girls from dust” out there, don’t we always think we are ready? Seriously when it comes to relationships with these men God’s made, don’t we always think we are ready. Ready to date, ready to get engaged, ready to marry, ready to have children...we always think we are ready...am I right? Be honest ladies, if you have found yourself standing and waiting on a man...you have told God over and over how ready you are. I think those are the moments where God just lovingly gazes at us and says oh sweet child you have no idea...
You see God loves you so much that He would rather do the work in you now to bring you closer to reflecting Him, than to deliver you into an idea that you are ready for what marriage and true love actually means. So just to be fair, I would like to inquire from the current wives, “Were you ready? Did you have any idea what was coming and how hard it could be? How often you would hand over your worth and identity to the man standing at your side, clinging to his actions and words to fill your identity cup?”
My God is loving me so hard and so well right now that I cannot even stand beneath the weight of what that means. You see He loves me so much that He would rip me out of the hands of another to offer me a healing so deep it would ensure I will be ready, one day, for this thing of being His bride. We will all do it ladies, at one point or another, we will put our worth in the hands of a man and wait and watch all of his actions to determine our value; both before and after marriage. It is a battle and an offering daily in any healthy relationship. There is also the side of this that until God begins to move into that role in our lives, we will have or will continue to hand it over to some pretty unreliable sources as well; Men who abuse and use and manipulate the beautiful essence of a woman! I didn’t even know how broken I was here until He showed me myself and my deep wound! Listen the wound can come from so many different things, the enemy is sly and fiercely despises the precious gift your heart could offer its counterpart; as God implies while bringing Eve before Adam and saying she will be a “sustainer beside you Adam” (Ezer Kenegdo). As for me I literally just discovered this morning that the wound was inflicted from my own unknowing mother and her wounded soul of unworthiness and then cleverly reaffirmed through the sins of many men along the way, as well as my own sin sinking the nails deeper and deeper still! We were collectively participating in the destruction of Gods fragile and precious design of her; and isn’t this obvious and true of modern day american society! I have walked with so many sisters through this process but for whatever reason did not see my own brutally inflicted wound; but then again how could I until I stood next to a man who really would point me back to Christ in a way that God would reveal a beautiful plan for healing and a sinful heart of surrendering my worth over to Adam. Sweeping my floor this morning at my studio it hit me and really hard...I knew it was coming. I’d tasted it moving into my soul, but I just couldn’t grab hold until this moment! The fear, the lie, the overwhelming weight of it all...the idea that if only I was enough, then...then my mom would not have chosen so many other lovers over her God or her daughter...Then she would have quit running to her addictions...Then those men would not have abused me and left...Then every man who failed me would have chosen to fight for me...and on and on and on. That if I was enough things would look and be a certain way....but we are in a fallen world beloveds! The weight of these "thens", belongs to God alone and not a single human could ever bear this burden! So here I stand in circumstances beyond my control, watching and waiting on God and He says and has been saying all along, “Sarah Dawn, my beloved, this has nothing to do with your worth or your value, it never has! You are Mine; I know you are Mine and that is enough!” And I sink and whisper desperately, “Help me to believe, Abba, help this broken and unbelieving soul find the Truth.” Because somewhere in the story I related this lie to You God, and decided if only I was enough then You would give me the deepest and most hidden, and even denied unto myself, desires of my heart to be seen and loved unconditionally. Strange right? You have already said Yes to me, I’m breathing after all! You have already chosen me, I’m ministering after all! You have already married me, I am Your bride after all! You have already decided to heal me, this heart is thriving after all! You have already accepted me, because I’ve been written on Your Hand after all...and yet I’m blind! But then I see a glimpse of light that's so redemptive it ignites the wildest embers of my soul! Now Lord, in Your great Mercy and Love, may the process begin of me seeing, receiving and truly accepting these gifts from You. At the end of the day it is all You Lord. The way the story goes isn’t based on someone else choosing me or giving me value, treating me well or honoring me as Your daughter, but on You alone deciding who deserves to come alongside Your hand, already holding and healing this heart of mine and participate in the journey we're taking into Your likeness! Love is a gift, honestly none of us deserves to receive it in the breathtaking form of a marriage, communion, commitment to another, but our God has chosen to offer us to one another, trusting us to go to Him for our strength and our worth, and to point the other to do the same! He loves you so much, that He is willing to do whatever it takes for those who love Him to see their worth is in Him alone and always will be, before handing us over to the beauty and struggle of helping another continually surrender to the same source of meaning! God also is the only one we place our full trust in, not in the other and their choices, because the reality is we are all broken and all sinful; but I believe that if we will continue to lift each others broken pieces up before the Lord, He is faithful to us and He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him...
This morning I read the best description of what that word “good” means in this passage,
“Good means to be changed to be like Him who is Best.” ~Ann Voskamp
Ahhh but now my beloveds I hope we can see, may we each continue to heal and come to know...this is the work of redemption, restoration and reconciliation at its Best and God only wants His Best for You His Daughter!!!! So you don’t have to know the outcome, you can still believe in the middle of uncertain circumstances that God is working all things together for the “good”...and trust this girl from dust, it is worth it and more than you could ever ask for or imagine! Don’t give up! My love and prayers are lifting your broken pieces up before Your perfect Father…
Abba have mercy and...
Enlighten what’s dark in us
Strengthen what’s weak in us
Mend what’s broken in us
Bind what’s bruised in us
Heal what’s sick in us
Revive whatever peace, love, and beauty that has died in us...
Make us Your bride!

From Dust To Dust…
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. -Song of Songs 4:7

choose...

2014-06-02T08:15:00.001-07:00

I have to admit that sometimes I wish sweet healing didn't have to rise out of great pain and that creativity would move in moments that were not so full of the tension of pulling apart this heart, mind and soul! But here I sit with my words being dripped out as the only antidote to the doubt and the broken heartedness of these precious breaths…you see I sit and watch and know life is waiting for me to engage her once more; offering me the choice to stay in the present moment fighting for Gods breath of Peace that hovers just above all of these circumstances! To simply choose Joy repeatedly…..so much easier typed than accomplished!
This mind fluttering to and fro with wonderings unexplainable but Hopeful for some place to rest these weary and chaotic reasonings.
My choices, yours choices and His will all scattered across the space, trying to clearly see me and still see Him in all of this! Knowing, Father, You are indeed here and You are in the very depth of me and my heart space that still reaches to sin against the very Love You rescue me with again and again! Ahhh there it is the deep gasp, and You've done it again! I remember You are indeed my one and only soul mate; teach me to rest in this Wisdom! Meeting me in the written depths as I make real what lies beneath by letting it permanently mark the pages as actual words, both thought and now spoken into print! I'm struggling to chose to Trust You Father, I'm broken and bent towards doubts and yet perfectly poised for Faith to sink deeper!
I'm reminded I am on this path You have called me to….right here, right now and it is destined for greater things than I can fathom! But my eyes are stuck on that which has just been ripped away, ugh so broken in that space…My eyes need your help Father. Draw me back to Your gaze. That place where I truly forget everything else except for what You say and see in me. The battle for TRUTH to capture me again! Help me find the Word of Truth each day, cause I'm desperate, like each man(whether he knows it or not), for Your help!
The Words You've revealed through the mysterious way that You do, seem to all point to that hard surrender of Fear for Your helping Hand instead…so my palm opens and I reach up from the mire….take me wherever we need to go Daddy…I won't fight You! When I am afraid I will trust in You, show me The Way beyond this dark shadow! Great faith comes through great trails and great pain…You are not alone sweet soul…grab His hand, walk, wait and watch as He refreshes your souls! Trade in your fears for His Peace…Choose and if you cannot, then ask Him to on your behalf. He is faithful my beloveds…ever so faithful!

Isaiah 41:9-13
9 I have taken you from the ends of the earth. I have called you from its farthest parts, and said to you, ‘You are My servant. I have chosen you and have not turned away from you.’ 10 Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.11 See, all those who are angry with you will be put to shame and troubled. Those who fight against you will be as nothing and will be lost. 12 You will look for those who argue with you, but will not find them. Those who war against you will be as nothing, as nothing at all. 13 For I am the Lord your God Who holds your right hand, and Who says to you, ‘Do not be afraid. I will help you.’

Mark 5:36
36 "Don't be afraid, just believe"

Psalm 56:3
3 "When I am afraid, I will trust in You."

Sitting, waiting, watching...

2014-05-27T07:36:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's early and a Tuesday but feeling like a Monday, the one where we paused life in honor of those who sacrificed for us…..I rose at 5am and woke to enter the sacred space of the Holy Yoga prayer call room and sat and waited and watched….always knowing God would do what only He does best; orchestrating the hearts of the callers to be linked by the thread that continues to point to Him and His mighty hand in our lives! And as the lovely women stepped into their voices and stories, so it was….again God and the invisible thread that connected us all. The scripture Colossians 1:11 May you be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy
Oh that precious and painful season of wait….and here we sit, 7 daughters of the King, and we've waited, and we are watching!

The conversation rises with its own life as God reminds each of us of His presence and purpose in the wait. Then the word joy jumps back off the pages, ugh and the weight of how to be joyful as I hear these stories, but there buried beneath the muck of confusion and pain is the golden thread that rings brightly with His glory and I see it and I hear it…each after the other resonates the same words "but it has brought my husband and I closer"! Ahhhh there it is the Bride and the Groom; what waiting increase, the intimacy and the connection. The wait is to bring you closer to Me My beloveds, ever so much closer to Me! You'll need My Spirit to endure and to be the strength that lifts your head as you climb up the mountain! You'll need My Grace to be your backbone as you wrestle through the confusion and pain of not understanding My ways! After all, things really do come true in the most unlikely ways!
Sipping my sweet cup of coffee that warms, but waiting and longing for the burning reminder of Your presence Lord and as the playlist lingers on I am aware I'm here with You…I sit and I wait and I watch as You are in all those that fill this space. There You are in her smile, or his serious face as he taps on that keyboard. There You are as the rhythm of this whole world. The rain falls outside and you wash over us again and again if we will sit and wait and watch for You, never washing us away but washing us back to You and to life! It is all preparation indeed…one season leads gracefully into the next. Let it pour, sitting, waiting and watching for Your unexpected best Lord….Joy

Our hearts are too small….

2014-05-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

Let me be completely honest and raw before you...I’ve spent the last few months beating my fists against God’s chest, with complete lack of understanding, the fullness of an excruciating pain and a dose of deep mourning! Can I just humbly express to you, and it moves me to tears even as I write this...but He stood there and He took it and let me have the outlet of His loving arms to absorb all of this ragamuffin’s confusion! Because He knew what I needed and that was to wear myself out in venting my pain and crying out with my “why’s”! So He graciously stood and let me get it out. We are sometimes taught as Christians not to ask why but instead to ask what. Most of the time I totally understand and agree with this offering, but then there are those moments where you really have to get alone with Him and scream WHY. May I boldly remind, that even Jesus Christ, our Savior’s last words contained a “Why”! It is when we will kneel in front of our Father, acknowledging that we do not know why and our understanding of Him is truly not big enough; this is where we are undone! This is also the very space where He rushes into us to fill the gaping space a broken heart creates. The vacuum waits to be filled and here He comes with the only thing that can fill it; His LOVE! He meets us with something bigger than knowledge and explanations can offer, He meets us with Himself and the vastness of mystery and the humbling realization of our limited capacity to understand.
I can attest that the tension, these last few months, of my Faith (my belief that God real, is good, is for me and loves me) swirling with really hard, unanswered questions had broken open my heart indeed and created an all consuming vacuum desperate to be filled. I’m sure my Faith lent to an even deeper pain than if I’d had none! There was nothing within my reach that would fill it. No matter how many explanations I tried to navigate, or how many explanations others could offer me, none were gonna fit or fill this pain! As I entered the studio last night so crushingly weary from this battle, the Spirit began to move! As I scanned the room and the hearts of those practicing with me, my message rolling from these uncertain and even a bit doubtful lips; the Spirit began to reclaim my mind from the mischief of the enemy. Because dear ones, in our searching for understanding, doubt penetrates all areas of our being. The enemy would like to infect you wholly with poisonous doubt. It is here in the Why’s that you indeed doubt God and feel let down by Him; you doubt everything from your understanding of Him, of yourself (identity, worth, value, purpose) and of others. Which, only magnifies the pain! You see, as I looked at them and let the words out from my soul, the Spirit began to remind me how big God is and that these little hearts of ours cannot contain the full understanding of the His Will or His Love...so He breaks them open to expand the space that He wishes to occupy within them! You see we spend our lives in an ebb and flow to construct an understanding of God and His Love; it is human and we are all guilty of doing this repeatedly. He is merciful to keep breaking that heart space open for bigger understandings and explanations. He is always revealing there is so much more going on here than we can possibly understand! The moments of no understanding press us into new territory and space, expanding these fragile human hearts of ours because they are still not big enough to contain all that God is....

Sweetly there came a moment where I just crumbled into Him, emptied of all my attempts to satiate myself with some explanation, wounded deeply and crying out at the very end of myself...and His Love rushed in to fill that Vacuum my broken heart had created. This expands my heart space and bends me gently to His will again; and the pain becomes worth it. Joy rises from the mourning. He turns the darkness into light, the crying into laughter, the doubt into greater belief, the despair into great hope. Outside of our understanding God awaits! You see He could stand back and explain the pain to us but instead He knows what we need is for Him to rush into the space and pour out a greater expression of His love until we are full, because then we will overflow with that very same Love and it will fall out on others through our every breath and movement! Although I wouldn’t wish the pain of Why moments on anyone I can fully see that if a vacuum is never created within our hearts to challenge our understanding then we will not have the capacity for the Love that comes for us...Finally I breath deeply and whisper yes Lord, Your will be done!

Most beautiful place….

2014-03-07T07:47:00.004-08:00

A beautiful opportunity for expression, teaching and learning #shesharestruth Check it out by clicking the link!!!!

Psalm 130

My Soul Waits for the Lord

A Song of Ascents.

1
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord!
2
    O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
    to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
3
If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,
    O Lord, who could stand?
4
But with you there is forgiveness,
    that you may be feared.
5
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
6
my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.
7
O Israel, hope in the Lord!
    For with the Lord there is steadfast love,
    and with him is plentiful redemption.
8
And he will redeem Israel
    from all his iniquities.

So these words have been rippling over my mind; the path of these delicate notions meeting my ears ....its funny, really, that I can often hear without even a hint of a whisper to part these lips! Silently listening and then from time to time rolling it off my tongue and in my heart. I first took in these words with these with my eyes but my ears and heart and soul are what will bring me sight ...and though my heart immediately grabs hold of the part “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope: my soul waits for the Lord more than a watchman waits for the morning, more than a watchman waits for the morning.” because it feels so close to this moment, the one I am finding the very breath I am partaking for life; the present moment, where I am very presently awake and aware of the wait I am facing....but I keep hearing Him beckon me to more; the more of this verse. The part I really need to hold on to and understand in this season of Lenten sacrifice and surrender. The part with words that grab my soul and my attention on the deepest levels; the wrestlings beneath the sheath, behind the veil! Words indeed, of I cry out from the depths, my pleas for mercy, with the Lord there is steadfast love, and plentiful redemption.....Oh yes these are the ones I need! You see as I undress the first lines of this song of the soul that stings as it fully enters me for the work with which it has been sent; I realize God is whispering to me, “Sweet Child I am your only hope and I trust that you know it and you are here because I am sure you will cry out to Me from the depths of this pain and confusion of life and you will cry out to Me alone! That we would sit together in these prayers and promises and you will feel My hands smoothing over the brokenness of that precious heart which I’m molding like clay between My fingers! Yes Love I am that close, both to this pain and to you...
So close that the far down meaning of a plea suggests you are desperate for My help, it is full of urgency and raw emotion and it is for My great Mercy to rain down like the spring showers that will come my beloved; they will come! So now the waiting is sure and full of excitement and Joy and steady strength drawn from Me alone; the waiting is for Me. Nothing else can hold you here like I can! For remember dear one, with Me there is steadfast Love.... say it again beloved... There is steadfast Love! Say it until you believe it! Say it until it settles your thoughts! Say it until you know I’m standing right here with you! That’s it, forget the rest of the room and hear these words, this is it...all you will need today! My steadfast Love! Do you feel it overshadowing the wait yet? This is it, what the wait is all about; it begins and ends with My steadfast Love! Because of this Love I have for you I call you into to waiting like watchmen waiting for the morning! In all your life beloved, when has the morning not come? Do you understand yet? You see you are not just waiting endlessly for something that is sure to never arrive...NO beloved you are waiting for Me and I come, like the sun is sure to rise each day, I come!!! No matter the darkness of night or the chill of winter, I am waiting with the sun to show you once more of My presence and My great Love for you!

Oh the things I am redeeming for you through these fading streams of time that you feel are so long trodden! I am redeeming the parts stolen and lost and even the ones you freely gave before you understood your worth sweet daughter! It is here that I am redeeming you from all your iniquities! And looking back my dearest, these words of mine will lift off the pages and meet you right where you are.....waiting for Me; it truly is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen you......

Let Freedom Reign....

2013-08-07T08:15:00.004-07:00

Well, I guess here goes, just to break the spell...as I have felt the draw back to these keys and the words pouring over my soul...I have also felt a hesitation...but perhaps today is the day after all...to simply write out what is writhing in my heart! Where does love go in those moments as we stand before another human and search ourselves for what it is that sets us apart; what it is that we have that they do not? Do you even realize that you do this? I am uncertain if it was Gods design or our self centered nature that does such a thing, but if we are honest we all do this. But you see this is where it all begins to unravel for us, because our hearts are faint and our minds weak and our flesh hungry we can easily seep right into judgement instead of love. I am by no means a person who does not understand the importance of making choices that keep us free, but I also see somewhat of an interesting dynamic occurring in this space. If it was as easy as simply calling out the problem, wouldn’t we all just be instantly healed as soon as someone told us what our behavioral problems were? Much like telling an addict to stop being addicted, or an anxious person to stop being anxious, or a believer to stop worrying and just trust in the Lord; our judgements of others do nothing to set them free, even and especially when we are correct in our assessments. If anything it keeps them trapped. But Love, it sets us free!!! I suppose the best way to get to where I’m going with all this talk is to start with a story of my own! I recall like it was yesterday, the empty night that led me to a new freedom. I sat just entering my journey with Him, recalling my stubborn heart that the one area I already decided I would never succeed in was my purity. Why you ask? I had way too much hurt there? Too much confusion and comfort to let go? Too many lies and repeat offenses to see with any sort of clarity? But I remember gasping for breath as I recognized the prison I had built around my life and my beating heart falling from my chest drenched in bloody tears. May I add it was not at the hand of a critic, a pastor or a “concerned” bystander. It was in the quietness of my surrender in a moment that He reached in and pried from my fragile hands the lie that had robbed me of Him and a portion of His love for much of my life! I had been arguing for months with Him, myself and others about the validity of my stance. About the rationalizations I could fragment together effectively into a sound argument that quieted the voices and satiated the flesh...sure it was desolate but it was mine and I had no idea there was another way until He showed me. But into the breath of this silent night He would brush directly across the wound and reveal what I needed the most and it did not resemble what I thought I wanted the most. The words sounded like Love! If there ever was a sound made in pure love it was His voice in this dark night, which would illuminate my soul and my sin and usher in a treasured repentance that had laid in wait! His breath warm, close and clear whispered, “I simply want you to know what I meant when I created this exchange of intimacy. I want you to experience it the way I meant it, Sarah. That is what I have for you.” Those words changed everything, all my stubbornness fell off like scales and I sat weeping taking the bricks down one by one! You see it wasn’t ever gonna be the judgement or rules of another that did what this moment did. I was instantly set free....Maybe I’m not being clear! Here is the raw script of my life, promiscuity was my vice, I used it to control the world around me and hide my vulnerability. I would never allow a man to pursue me or find me waiting...I would lead the way and therefore keep myself safe! Yeah I know, messed up right, but you see I lived in a world as a child where this precious beauty of purity was stripped from me over and over again and somewhere in the midst of horror the enemy twisted my eyes to grab hold of what they wanted from me and use it to control my hurt! It has been 9 years now free and celibate and I always think of the woman at the well when I now stand pure before another...you see this is how Jesus came to me. He searched my heart for the wound, He did not stand in front of me condemning my acts but instead showed me the Source...He wanted to show me why I was doing what I was doing and reveal a far better reality to the one I had chosen to settle for! Those words He whispered told me there was better, there was more, there was hope...it beckoned me to wait for the very best He had to offer when He designed this thing, that I knew nothing of, termed “making love”! He wanted to reveal the reality of it’s beauty rather than letting me sit in the perversion of it. And it was there in that freedom that my behavior would instantly change...why??? Because His words had set my wounded heart free forever! So why is it that when we see a brother or sister failing or falling short that we call them out but leave an unfinished work? I mean we have no reservation in telling others what is off in there behavior but do we ever stand in front of them with a heart just as broken as theres is and lift the veil, and allow that the Lord would use us or whisper through us as we search along side these broken hearts for the reason why, the source from whence it came? The last time you looked on and criticized or made judgement of a woman for her immodesty did you ever stop to pray and ask the Lord to reveal to you or to her why she was choosing this way of behaving. The problem will never be healed and the behavior never changed until she sees the wound, the disfunction and understands there is another option; one of hope and freedom...This isn’t a debate issue for our church goers to feel righteous about, this is a heart issue among Christ followers who are still and always will be broken until the moment we sit before His throne! I am not saying that accountability and confrontation are wrong or bad, but I am saying those are only the beginning steps and they should never be taken unless we are willing to stand in the gap with this soul until the Lord helps them see what it is that their heart has settled for in place of His best. This is what love does, it sets us free! The freedom to stand with a child of God as He holds their heads up and eyes open until the walls fall down! We do not simply yell at the prisoners, hey guess what we can all see you are in prison! Instead we enter their prison for a moment and help tear down the walls. But you see we get so easily frustrated when the behavior doesn’t instantly reflect what we have just revealed to them, as if we thought telling them they were in prison would spark some sort of freedom! When they aren’t instantly eager to follow us in tearing down these walls we grow impatient because we are right after all!!! And more often than not we will leave them, give up on them and judge them further into their cell. I believe that the realty offends us that our informing others of their faults is not what does the healing here; oh we are so arrogant. It is Him alone that offers us a place to rest our weary feet on the narrow path. Him alone that offers us a glimpse of the light on the outside of our prison cells. So when we enter their cell should we not be in step with the Savior, Him going before us to search the heart that we will never be able to understand without Him!!! Delivering the words, the courage and the Love that is actually able to strip the mortar off the bricks that leave them trapped! But often that is way more work than we are willing to do for our fellow prisoners of war; that is way too risky and painful! Ah but you see when we are set free ourselves then we can do nothing other than seek for the freedom of others. I remember a young woman who was ostracized in her church for dressing like a man, when the entire time not one stopped to investigate the why? You see, she was being abused sexually and was resorting to hide in her body and clothes as to no longer appeal to those that could potentially hurt her! But no one sat in prayer and fellowship long enough to see her prison and help tear it down. We all feel compelled in this story. But do you realize the girl who is dressing too provocative is doing the same thing, just in a different way! When was the last time you kept eye contact with her and asked the Lord to show you her wounded heart and asked her to share her story that you would enter her prison and begin to see life as she does. When you yourself are free, this is what you will do...long before you tell others or complain of her faults. You will see her wounds and desperately plea for the Lord to help heal them and you will sit with her reminding her of the freedom that awaits, not piling on the bricks that keep her captive. Everything we do comes from a source! Every decision we make stems from a origin! Every thought we think derives from a spring! This is true for all of us and the whole entire purpose of this life that you and I have been given, is to identify that source, that origin, that spring more and more as the One true living God, instead of the many options the enemy offers us daily! But it is a process we are all still very much in...no matter our outward behaviors! Can we become free enough to accept this? Do we trust our God is big enough to do what He says He can? Will He set these captives free? I mean look around and if your eyes are wide open you know we are all in prisons of our own. Sometimes those prisons seem safer than the unknown outside world. But He comes to set us free!!! Yet without Love, there is no freedom...without Love there is nothing (1 Corinthians 13:1-3) Are you free enough to love like this? Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Everything Christ did for people was to set them free, not to keep them imprisoned and judged and sentenced again and again! May we become aware we are on a journey to help set people free from the tirade of the enemy; love is the best place to start, it is where Jesus is! John 8:31-32, 1 Peter 2:16, 2 Cor 3:17, Rom 8:20-21, Gal 5:13-14...so much talk of freedom in the scripture, may we each find our role as freedom seekers and freedom adventurers willing to sacrifice to see others set free! In the words of William Wallace....F R E E D O M!!! Rest In Him Fellow Freedom Adventurers...I love you!!!

The Problem with Passion

2013-06-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

When This life gets to me, I'll be found on my knees..... When my heart sinks heavy, I'll let you lift it for me..... Misunderstood....would be a great place to start! I feel like my whole life my heart has been misunderstood. I love to love! I want every person in every room I enter to know they matter, that they are special; that they are loved! I desire to share the Love God has given me with each and every soul He allows me to come near. He speaks to me and through me to help people look to Him, know they are loved and find healing. He’s created me to Love well.....and I thrive in its wake! I love to love...... It’s as if the enemy knows precisely where to aim. It’s as if he knows exactly where the “ugly lie” is hidden and just lives to brush up against that wound again and again. Hoping to steal, kill or destroy your journey...And it is truly by the Grace of God that he is allowed to do so...because God knows there will be a moment when it is healed and the enemy can no longer carry any threat to your stance...God is working amidst the enemies attempts, He is setting you free. He is building your faith....and boy can it be painful....Yes God must hold us down sometimes to do the extraction! So there I stand beneath the vast sky and the darkness of night and the echo of the words steal my breath. I heard nothing else after that moment, just felt the depth that it penetrated my heart, my mind and my soul....pain that wrapped around me and shattered my being for what seemed like the longest breath ever. Tears welled up from the deepest pit, out my wounded self and I held them back as the scream took center stage...”me again, this is my fault”. My actions and my honesty and my love are to blame for why a man can’t see my pure heart just waiting to be received. As if I’m the temptress just waiting to trick them into being distracted...really do I even possess this power that I so often get blamed for? And if I do, who has given me that authority? Is it all me? Do I have an ill heart and I’m just blind to it? Is my passion the problem? I stumble over the words, “It is not my heart to awaken feelings if it is not their time.” And the harsh response that says, “yeah well your actions say something else”...As if I acted alone to align the universe for this crossing of paths, or I awakened a sense of connection all by myself...I am not in control....am I? My leaning in to draw near to one of Gods creations makes me wrong, or to blame? I sit riddled with questions, but humbled nonetheless and crippled enough to know I have to weigh this before My Father. And so I do; I carry my broken self to the Throne and collapse for what seems like the millionth time this month and I beg to be unravelled, beg to be revealed to myself...what is mine to carry here Lord? Why did those words dig so deep that I couldn’t see straight? Why the intense anger that arose as they penetrated my ears and my heart? I know this space and I am aware that when I feel so much emotion from any mans words, especially when I do not even know how they were intended, the Lord is stirring beneath; inviting me to look...trying to tear the curtain and bring me near! So I peak in, terrified to see...but Grace welcomes me and flashes me back to the very first moment the enemy stole the truth and buried the lie into me! I was 8yrs old and a man that I had received as a father figure was stealing from me my innocence and he told me with his words, it was because of my beauty and because I was so full of life that this was happening....and every man there after would affirm the same thing...”You are a distraction and not a treasure. No man will ever see your heart...because your passion will blind them...” There it is, the “ugly lie” and here I am Trying to lie still and wait, as His mighty hand moves to finish the surgery I unexpectedly walked into. I cry and squirm but find the Truth....He says to me,”Sarah your passion is a gift, very few will know what to do with it! The enemy would love to convince you otherwise...twisting My gifts into faults. But this is not the Truth. The Truth is there is a man who is strong enough to harness your passion and let it burn as it was meant: to light the world on fire for Me! Your role is to keep the passion at rest until he comes for it....he will come! I’ve arrested his heart for you; because his heart is arrested for ME first and foremost, and therefore he will see you. Truly see you as you are; passionate and loyal, sincere and pure, surrendered and submissive, gentle and collected, whole and mine completely...He will see Me in you first!” I weep for this, “Yes Lord, I want that! I pray...teach me how to put my passion to rest until it is time, give me the wisdom and discipline I do not now possess in order to be still and wait! Give me the eyes to recognize Your will for each breath and each day! Let me pour passion on those who are ready to receive You and Your Mighty Word and Healing! Do not let the enemy continue to twist the Gifts You’ve put in me into weapons against me. Heal my heart from the lies, I know I am left without blemish or stain from those trespasses against me, but I beg You Lord, debride these wounds completely that they may heal completely! I will wait, I will lie still and rest in You while the pain is removed from my soul. I will trust Your work and believe You are good and this will indeed be what is best for me. Thank you Lord for taking the time to arrest my heart more fully to You! Thank you for making me able to reflect, for giving me the courage to follow You beneath the surface to see what is really happening. Forgive me for misusing any gifts if I have. Show me my errors and forgive me my sins. You are good....Amen” I freely share my life, my stories, my failures, my blessings...may you glean whatever the Holy Spirit

intends...thank you for walking this out with me brothers and sisters....Rest In Him Sarah G ~Song of songs 2:7 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

Why Grace?

2013-06-01T08:23:00.002-07:00

The last time I visited Grace with my written words, I didn’t understand it was just an intro into something that would dust up against my soul in many seasons and probably forevermore...bringing with it gusts of meaning that could only be used to enliven the Great Mystery of God to my frail eyes. Grace encompasses such a sweeping enigma for the human condition! The secrets of Living seem to be buried beneath the rubble of its very passage into our realm of reality! All the while with Grace perfectly intact, it is in that very rubble that beauty is found within the soul, that our bodies are filled with true Life and our minds welcome the revelation of Light. Grace has so many links in every part of our precious existence. It is the chain from which all life and meaning is held together and sustained; directly in the face of our limited awareness, our deafening blindness. Grace is woven throughout our experience, sprinkling our lives with concepts like acceptance, gratitude, joy, love, and peace. And paradoxically right along with all the afore mentioned, sprinkles of pain, discomfort, sadness, fear and loss. All of these, gifts worth unwrapping; feelings worth drawing in. Joy is always worth the wait, and fully living is always worth the believing that precedes it. Staying alert and awake to God in the moment allows Grace to awaken the joy and with it the pain. If we will not numb ourselves to this experience we will dance with Grace, even allowing it to lead. Truly living accepts both the good and bad and places them at the same seat of the Father...Grace! Jesus knew of the pain! It was written, it was lived, it was the Word, but it was also being seen through the lens of the God-Man. A lens that understood Gods Grace was laden upon these words “Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned it so it will stand.” Without God’s Word as a lens, the world warps our perception. So the idea remains, a good God who planned everything... Everything!?!? Let me try to put all these, as of yet, feeble thoughts and words together here...Grace is seeing that this very moment should be sipped of; we should drink the Light of the present into our beings, inhale the Sweet directly out of the now! Receive Joy through gratitude; because you see, we’ve seen His Grace today already within the very nature of our first inhale...but perhaps we missed it already as well, within the entitlement we feel for that very breath. Grace is learning how to open your hands each day for Gods daily bread, expectant and thankful for what He gives~even when you know its gonna hurt. Gods Grace is abundant, and an unbroken whole that both fills the home of a child saved, but also of a child lost. How can this be? Grace is that when you have waited and waited and waited and things did not turn out as you thought, your eye still gets caught on something more beautiful than you'd ever imagined and you breath of Life from that treasured instant! You become aware....Grace abounds! Our lives are not a series of Grace moments and Curse moments...its all Grace. Sometimes He has to hold us tightly in those painful moments like a terrified, hurt and flailing child just to breath Grace upon our ears “Are your ways My ways? Can you drink of My Cup and eat of My Manna? Can you believe that I tirelessly and tenderly work all for the very best good of the whole entire world, all of My Creation...to include you? Can you embrace that I do this because the flame of My Love for you can never ever be put out?” And with that you stop squirming and you relent and you find His gift in the passing day and as you wake the next morning you sigh, “He’s given me two, why am I allowed Two?” Grace is why! There is where we find the fullness of Grace; in His arms, turned towards Him...the emptiness exchanged with His presence, this begets Joy! All is Grace! And Our God chooses to cut into our ungrateful hearts to make us whole; He takes the very pain that He has given and shows us how to find beauty and thanksgiving in it. And this transforms the entire exchange into joy that fulfills all of our emptiness! May we drink the Sweet right out of our world, as it is...this very moment... As we are...this very moment...”My Grace is sufficient for you....” Most of the time, our eyes are just bad ;) read Duet 32:39 NASB May the Word transfigure your sight...bringing a new perspective....receiving a new Grace! Rest In Him Beloved!

Joy in Uncertainty

2013-05-27T06:31:00.001-07:00

“My soul does cry from the depths; my heart does sing before the thrown.Beneath this season of the Great unknown” ~me I can recall the simple way He showed me two months ago, on the eve that He would ask me to completely let go. I had drove out to the mountains to just be still with Him; to welcome the comfort that only He could give me...to seek the wisdom that I still had not known in the disarray of my circumstances....to come to grasp the peace that would replace what I was previously holding on to. And meet me He did, as always...Faithful beyond my capacity to comprehend. I jumped in my car after a long day of confused thoughts, heavy lies and tear stained cheeks; I was needing physical sustenance. I just stopped at the first place I found that I could eat and as I drove through to order and pick up my food I remember my plea clear as day...”Lord I do not understand any of this, but I know Your Love for me. Show me how to rest in Your plan here...How to find Your Loving arms and bury my face and my heart into Your grasp. Show me whatever it is I need to see; reveal to me why You’ve drawn me to these mountains. For I am in a space of fear and doubt and I want to trust You...remind me how, Please Lord remind me how...” It was quick and it was intense as the words burned across my lips and out into the atmosphere, but none the less He was immediately there to capture the essence of my heart in this prayer! I remember glancing up briefly from my train of thought and noticing the motto of the place I was ordering from, printed on a placard before me “Get what you want, get what you need.” It caught my eye because at the moment I truly felt as if He was asking me to give sacrifice to that which I had wanted for many long years...but then the sweet whisper resounded in the deepest corner of my being “Sarah Not just what you want, but also what you need....this is My desire for you my precious one.” I let that soak for a moment and as I approached to window to receive my meal, I asked the young man standing there for some hot sauce, I quickly said “A lot please.” I actually think I began to cry as I watched this young man continue to pile sauce into my bag, I mean so much that there was no human way possible for me to eat it or use it. And he was just so stinking happy to keep reaching down and placing handful after handful into my bag. But it’s what God was saying to me there that just wrecked my heart, “I’m going to give you so much more than you’ve even asked for Sarah. More than you ever imagined.” I remember smiling at the young man who was completely oblivious to the role he just played in Gods speaking to me...I knew he noticed the tears rolling down my face and I’m sure was confused by my extreme response of gratitude over hot sauce. I just smiled through the tears and said, “Thank you so much, you just helped make my night better.” I drove back to my room for the night and just kind of sat on the bed with all that hot sauce spread out as if I could roll in it...I know it seems silly but you see He has always talked to me through the common place things, the daily notions, the perfect people; used to reflect all His Love, Grace and Glory! So I sat and I rested in this sweet conception He had just set before me....my eyes grew heavy and all of me fell into that Love; my heart, my mind, my body and my soul....resting fully in a gift I could not completely wrap my awareness around! And I slept....with peace...held in His mighty arms... As the next several months unraveled I’d like to say I grew more secure, strong and carefree in this wisdom...but instead I would face the Greatest unknowns I’d ever come to wrestle with. Just question after question as I watched His powerful Hand reveal truth in the very darkness I had been wondering. And often I didn’t even know what to do with it...I would just stand mind running, heart quivering, head shaking and soul seeking. I cannot think back on a time when I ever wept as long or as hard as I had in this season. I also don’t recall ever being met so Gracefully again and again and again by Father as I wrestled with it all. The cost felt too much for me yet it was exactly what I needed spent in order to know Him more deeply, more assuredly, more completely in these moments; this was a truth He wanted to last forevermore within my very nature. But it was going to be a hard process to sink it in. So many moments of perfect clarity swept away by insane emotion...all of it remains a simple lack of trust, a lack He knew was hiding there in the very tender space of my heart and so He would offer me trust in a way I wasn’t necessarily welcome to receiving it...in the Uncertainty! I don’t know how many times over the last few weeks I have heard myself say to others; I just have no idea what God is going to do here. I cannot see at all which direction He will take this. nothing aligned well enough in my own cognition to give a clear route....it was as if puzzle pieces had just rained down and I was finding them everywhere; I knew they all went together but had no idea of what the picture would look like or how the pieces even fit. And yet everyday He was kind enough to show me another piece and to give me my task, the one focus He wanted me to have. How He wanted me to pray, what He wanted me to build and of course who and how He wanted me to love. I guess I just didn’t realize how hard it would be for me to follow through on those things. My heart fluttered beneath the weight every several days and I would crumble once more into His arms and He would say something only He knew to stay to strengthen and encourage my heart once more. It was the place I’d been so many times before and it is a beautiful place of daily learning to exchange all my burdens with all His Grace. But it remains an uncertain place...a place where if I allow my mind to wonder I end up terrified and in pain. It’s the hallway...He’s closing a door behind me but has yet to open another and He wants to gift me here, I feel it....but I just haven’t learned how to praise Him in the hallway...where I must wait once more! I know He wants to offer me a sweet kiss in the moment; one that showers Joy upon every fiber of my being, I simply haven’t learned to receive it yet....How to stand in such vast uncertainty, tainted with extremely painful moments and just praise Him, and wait for the absolute best ending to all of this....the one that goes beyond that which I can imagine at the very fullest level of my creativity! Today may be the very first day that I can see....the waiting will be worth it even if I do not understand a single piece of what the puzzle is going to become; I am certain it will be the most glorious image I have ever seen....because it is His!!! Rest In Him sweet souls...know that the unknown was meant to be enjoyed and not feared....meet Him there and let Him show you The Way...the One, True, Faithful, Perfect Way! Love you all....sincerely, waiting and learning to praise Him in the hallway!

Three Noises we hear...

2013-04-24T08:42:00.004-07:00

The Whisper of Fear
It never arrives as an obvious scream, but instead its just a subtle breeze that begins to whisper and quietly brushes across our tattered hearts leaving remnants of its intentions in every open crevice. Sometimes we recognize it for exactly what it is, but more times than not we are allured by its charm, seduced by its clever approach, confused by its message. How can fear find its way so deeply into our thoughts, our hearts, our souls? It erodes any Truth, or Trust that we have somehow mustered up in our half hearted efforts. It tears down what we think we know and towers over us with shadows of cold gloomy despair. But we are not a creation marked for fear; tho I believe this with all of my soul, I find that until I am willing to stand in the very face of that fear I am no match to its cunning ways. I cannot run fast enough, or hide deep enough, or fade away into the distant backdrop hoping it will not find me; hoping it will forget its very task of robbing me of my hope this day! No I must stand nostril to nostril with it, as its breath torments every fiber of my being...

The Murmur of Pain
Oh but this one you often see coming. You feel its approach from deep within your belly. You know when you are standing on the edge and you realize you typically respond one of two ways; you run with all you have away from its hold, out of its grasp, from under its weight..you distract and you stuff and you deny the cries from your aching soul. Or you stand right in the center, still and uncertain and often shaking; you welcome it and you wait! Its heavy there, often perplexing to the mind and heart. It approaches those old wounds with familiar lies and tempts your soul to lose sight of all hope. It drains your spirit and leaves you alone to witness to yourself; which is often the most unreliable source to go to in a time like this! It seems as if it will last forever and your eyes grow ever tired as they strain to see the light at the end. Your reason is no use here...but your pride finds its way in, to convince your heart and your mind not to feel its honest sentiment of hurt, disappointment, confusion; to deny the pain ever to exist at all...Pride directs you right out of the center and back into the very vortex which created the pain to begin with...how clever are you pride to set yourself up against this material that would grow, shape, heal and free us...

The Voice of Love
Oh sweet and precious child of mine, it is when you are afraid that you usually seek to find Me if you seek anything at all. Fear is your enemy, but Love casts it out. So when you seek Me I come and I revel in our time together. I fill you with strength and courage, integrity and wisdom, and I warn you of danger; but you are free of fear in this space...in this awareness, it has no hold on you! You slip through its fingers and find you have nothing at all to fear! You learn to look into My eyes deeply and assuredly. You learn to hold My hands tightly, placing your fragile life into My grasp! You wrap My neck in both of your arms and burry your head in My chest. My Spirit pours out all over you and you know once more....You are Mine and you have nothing to fear. You surrender....I deliver and you are set free.
The pain is such a different encounter for us, you see much like a wounded small child will climb into their parents lap and sit for hours as they are comforted by their love...so you are with Me when you get hurt. I cherish these moments of Union with you My beloved. They are so few and far between in this part of your life, that I allow them to come and sometimes to last simply because I know that this exchange is precious and pure and what I long to have with you always; yet it seems only here in the center do you see how much you have need of My lap, of My gaze and of My comfort. Do not grow confused, I love to laugh with you and sing praise with you. But truly it is here in the darkness that you begin to see My Face and long for My Will; our communion is sweetest in the center of your pain. My heart sings when you trust me like this; when you draw even deeper into Me when nothing else is making sense. I know you understand My Love in these moments; because this is what Love does, it leans in harder and deeper than it ever knew was possible and it holds on to Me, I Am Love....nothing else seems to matter in those moments. Have you not yet noticed? Nothing else will truly satisfy you in those moments. Have you not yet noticed?
These seasons, they shall pass....but you will never leave the awareness of My presence unchanged. It is in pain and fear that you learn nothing else will deliver you but My Love. So yes dear one it may last another day longer, but please lean in deeper; this exchange will satisfy your soul more profoundly and endure longer than any solution you can contrive of or any distraction you can create. I made you to commune with Me, and often it is only here that you come. I know it doesn't cure the pain just yet, but isn't it beautiful that we get to sit wrapped in each others arms just a moment longer...I see in you here, that you know I know you better than you know yourself...I see in you here, belief and faith and trust in their most powerful and pure forms. It is a Joy for me to hold you and I cherish every breath you offer in My arms; nothing can get you here....surrender and I will deliver you beloved...

Why Write....

2013-04-18T20:38:00.004-07:00

I believe writing is a gift! I believe it is a freedom! I believe it is a necessity...well at least for me! I have always been three things for sure, one is a lover, two is a healer and three is a writer. You see I find the first two a beautiful expression of the offering of myself to the Lord and the world around me, but the third, well I often notice it’s for me. Don’t get me wrong, it is still very much a gift and I know God uses it and speaks through it; but I also know deep within my innermost parts it is when I settle in to write that my soul truly finds communion with Him. Much like yoga, for me, it is a clear space of tethering my soul back to the Source and filling up on His Love and His Presence! So join me this morning as I reminisce on why I write!
That beauty that grows beneath the shadows of our outer realm can be so creatively expressed through so many different ways. He is an artist indeed. The Artist, after all; I suppose we shouldn’t expect any less. But just gander around and see the creative beauty that wells up from each man’s soul. The music, the art, the logic, the invention, the creativity, the compassion, the service, the selflessness, the poems, the stories, the written words that come alive from man made pages...God is so sweetly portrayed throughout all of His design. I suppose this awareness also reveals why and how I am a lover. I see things in people that they rarely see in themselves. I see their hearts, I see their potential, I see Him; His brilliant design upon each fiber of their being. And I simply revel in it! I need more of Him, we all do. I guess I’ve just learned to recognize that the parts I need the see of the Great Mystery, are right there cleverly hidden beneath the surface of mankind.. And what a wonder it is!
The sorrow that often accompanies that beauty is the space that His healing has yet to touch. I see that too! I read the hearts and see the wounds. I never really could understand why God gave me this gift, but as a child it was purely expressed through unconditional love and forgiveness of those who terribly trespassed upon my story. I had a very keen awareness that my own survival would hinge on my compass to find the beauty in all creations and then offer love and forgiveness in undeserved capacities. Rarely do I find that when I gaze into the eyes of another, that they do not know they are loved, no matter the context of the exchange...I think their heart sees mine and knows of the stories that the pain, sorrow, suffering, surrender and survival all tell. They know they are safe and they are loved...They are free to let their light shine and push out the shadows. It creates a space to listen and to heal; to wonder and to rest. To unburden and to unwind. To dream and to reminisce. To find freedom and to break the chains. WE all need these moment with one another. It is a beautiful exchange!
The writer....well she is the one that sits down and finds that after a day of one unrelenting disappointment after another, there is still life in these bones and hope just dripping from her fingers as she longs to write and to commune once more with the Spirit. She sees this entire journey as a magnificent all encompassing adventure...so much to see and so much to share...if there’s is life in this body there will be stories to tell and words to write upon the hearts that He so desires to find these rambling little notes of a girl madly in love with her Creator....may a season well up in me of writing these stories down and sharing my heart once more...may we all be so brave as to accept whatever creativity He has weaved unto our souls and share unashamedly with each other...you are a masterpiece and have immeasurably more to offer this life than you begin to know! So I shall write....until I can no longer...

To write again...

2013-04-17T08:37:00.002-07:00

Writing is a gift for me....just the rantings of my soul poured out onto the fibers of the paper....the Truth as I come to know it, live it, experience it; transpired into words drawn from my fingers and left on the page to be as they will....Echoes of stories told within my soul! Sometimes it is nonsense and sometimes perfect sense....so please enjoy the tattered letters as they befall over these pages bound together in humility:

Lord, I realized today that I still draw quickly from the safety and sanctity of Our Conversations into the exchange of words that unchanged hearts offer. Surrender the teacher in me~blow my mind and may I simply learn stillness with my eyes wide open...

Let my thought fade
As I lie open hearted before You
May You peel back the layers that have hardened
And expose the heart of flesh You breathed into me upon creation
Quiet my mind~this is a heart matter
Free my Spirit to find depth beyond my comprehension
Beginning each day with open hands, open heart and open mind
Faith is being poured out into this portion of my life
It offers You to work Your ways into all of my circumstances
Learning to live within the boundaries of the Present
This is where You are~finding Joy, Peace and Love there
You are only giving my human frailty a day at a time, a step at a time, a breath at a time
And so I will linger in the Cleave of Your Mighty Hand
Waiting to see the Good You will bring from this cup of trial You have passed unto me...
Lord hear my cry and deliver my heart exactly where You desire...
Your will be done!

Love language

2012-05-10T21:29:00.001-07:00

What if there was a language God called us to speak; one that truly liberated others to be themselves. The creation God knows and loves regardless of the flaws, in spite of the differences; even because of those very differences. My heart grows heavy as I sit across from the precious gift of life that flows through their veins and recognize how little of that life they are aware of...How wounded and blind they have become...how wounded and blind I have become. How my emotions have misled me and my heart is calloused. How I deny the very life that surges throughout my body because I cannot make sense of it. How my mind will rob me of hours of His presence. How my heart will quiver within His very hands, and yet I will think it lies there alone; unattended to, beaten up and broken never to be restored or redeemed. Lost in the story that we have convinced ourselves is reality; and oblivious to the Truth. How precious a creation we are and yet how painfully unaware of that we can become. How disillusioned we can be when faced with our fears, our shame, our doubt and our ignorance. Who but God can rescue us? We are scared of ourselves beyond comprehension. Some of us run, others rebel, some just go in circles refusing to leave that path; all of us afraid of vulnerability, afraid of our true selves, afraid to Love and to be Loved. We would let ourselves drown in the sea of lies before we would reach for the life vest that's keeping our vulnerability afloat and safely away from risk.

C.S. Lewis wrote these words,

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket~ safe, dark, motionless, airless~ it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

Giving and receiving Love seems to be so hard on us all. Why is this? What are we afraid of? Perhaps we simply find ourselves unworthy to receive and untrustworthy to offer such a thing. But isn’t that the point; we are unworthy, we are untrustworthy. But He is not. He guides and drives us into situation after situation to find it, to find Love, to find Him...the One True Essence of man; and then to offer it freely to others....But here we stand scared and seemingly alone. Unwilling to be vulnerable to the absolute obvious Source of Life; LOVE. And so we trip and we fall and we decide we were right after all! There we go carrying our own hearts in our own feeble hands and trusting no one; Not even the One! Often when we glimpse this mystery, this Love, we will deny its power. We will negate its presence. What fools are we? His hands must be heart shaped because we need to be held at every point along the way of learning to Love. Held without a gap, without space to wriggle ourselves free. We cannot Love, not truly Love, on our own. We will not Love, on our own. The word itself prevents a solitary act. Love is not done by one of us, for one of us. It is done by Him for all of us. It is done through us by Him, for us...And sadly, we can neither receive the Love that searches us out and seeks our affections, if even our simply acknowledgement. We are so sure it will let us down that we never really allow it in. May the walls come crashing down around us, that we may see. That we may know..Oh How He loves us! May the cracks in our hearts welcome the Light of His love and in doing so find the healing that only He can give. Then stand back as our hearts burst from our chests to reach out into the lives of others...just simply to offer the same glimpse He has been offering to us day in and day out since creation began; A glimpse of Himself, enduring Love! May each of us pick up a new language, the language of LOVE....speak it often and freely....we all need to hear what it has to say!

Three Stories, One Wisdom....

2012-02-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel as if words could just drip from my fingertips....as if life is such a beautiful mystery that it should be whispered over our hearts without relent. While so many of us simply stammer about recklessly without a care or consequence for the world around us...for the miracle of life, of breath, of emotion, of awareness, of grace, of love, of forgiveness and of compassion!

The Kite

While in meditation with my Holy Yoga students God granted me the following glimpse. I was a kite, filled with beautiful colors and shaped marvelously for my intended purpose of flying higher and higher still into the sky. I knew what I was; I knew I was a kite. I knew what I was capable of because I knew my Designer. I knew how I was made and where I came from. And I could see myself flying high above the earth, enjoying all that had been given unto me; reaching my face to simply feel the touch that only the Son can lavish upon me. The warmth, the love, the awareness of His presence. When suddenly I looked down to see my string still attached to the earth, and I came crashing to the ground. As if my recognition that I was part of the world below me, was to my demise. I felt and thought as if I was defined by the world. As if I was part of all that it holds deep in the layers of its core; the darkness, the chaos, the forgetfulness, the doubtfulness, the fearfulness, the ugliness. And I fell. It was only for a moment. Then once again I rose understanding, a little better with a little more certainty and clarity, that I am both. I am part of this world and all it’s darkness and part of the longing that draws me closer to Him and all of His Lightness. I embraced that having one without the other would not work for a kite. Being tethered to the world, as I know it, would cause me to tumble to the ground and remain there with no hope of flying. I believe after some time I would even begin to forget that I could fly at all; not believing that the likes of me was ever created for such remarkable a thing. And if I ignored the earth below I would float carelessly around the vast expanse of the skies, with no regard for the men and women and the relationships God had made the content my life so full with. So I found the balance that only Grace offers, the balance that God says “I Am the Wind, I give you flight. You are correct that you are both parts my child, but lest you forget, I Am the Kite Flyer. With me you are safe to keep flying, higher and higher. Never forgetting where you came from or where you are.” And in that moment once again I understood I was Known by Him, I was meant to fly and He would always help me do just that! It was Love, Compassion and Grace that delivered the vision that morning. Nothing of me, but all of Him! God became the breath that is in the breath...for these precious few moments of exchange....

The Mother

So I was reading a book that shared a story of a young man who had lived a troubled life (I am paraphrasing the following retelling) He had been a gang member and had done many shameful things according to his account. He stood before the priest while still in prison waiting to be baptized. The priest began a conversation and the boy took over from within this man. He began to tell of his childhood, his father and all the abuse, the horrible abuse; weeping with each gasp for breath, for understanding, for life. These stories had obviously haunted him for as long as he could recall. Then he began telling of his mother, who stood not too far away, awaiting his baptism. He spoke again with tear filled words but now he said, “She has come every Sunday for the years I have spent in prison to see my sorry a@#.” He looked up at the priest and said, “Do you know how many buses she has to take to get here?” The priest just waited as the boy replied to his own question. “Seven, she takes seven buses every Sunday just to come see me; to bring me Love...”

All I could think was isn’t this exactly how God would do it? He will take seven buses to bring you His Love and Compassion, His Support and Approval...no matter where you are; in the darkest worst places your days have seen. He will get to you...to deliver His precious gift of Love. He came down here to get us once and I believe He does it everyday. That’s how I found Him...He came when my world had been so confused, when the damage I was doing was hurting me deeply and then overflowing to hurt many others. When I no longer knew right from wrong, or better, I had found a rationalization for all of the wrong I was doing. When I had no idea of why I was made or what I was worth; not truly. When darkness was the norm. When I was sure I had a handle on it all. When my reality was that I must fight to be worth something in the eyes of someone, anyone. He came as a child in my stomach to tell me I was worthy, I was chosen, I was loved...I was enough for Him to entrust another life to! Her name is Davyn, it means beloved....because this was the first time I could believe it! I WAS HIS BELOVED!!! And once I heard it, I would know it for the rest of my life! Everything changed for me in those moments. It wasn’t so much that I was acknowledging that I knew He loved me, it was more that I was acknowledging my role as His beloved. I had come to see I was His child and worthy of His love; no matter where I had been or what I had done. I knew He had taken Seventy-Seven buses to get to me....to bring me Love

The Reality

Sometimes, just sometimes I get to be the deliverer of this Love and Compassion, from God, into the lives of others. Sometimes we all do. Sometimes I get to reach down into the deepest, darkest places of another’s life and reflect the Light which has been shown to me. Sometimes we all do. And sometimes I blow out the candle on my way in because I think I know what is best for them, what they need and certainly that I am right about it all. Sometimes we all do this as well! Sometimes I think we reduce our reality by trying to exclude others from God. As if what they are doing sets them out of God’s reach, but truly that is where I was found; in the farthest reach I thought I could have been from God. Our attempts to do this only diminish the mystery of God into some sort of members only club; when the Reality is with God there are no outsiders. That’s right none! We were all meant to fly. True Love, divine love if you will, is ceaselessly restless until it has turned all of our wounds healthy, all our deformities beautiful, all our shame lovely, and all of our humilities laughable. He does not stop; He cannot, He loves you too much. “I have called you by your name, You are Mine.” As Isaiah confesses it... Behold the One who is beholding you and smiling...It is not His disapproval that He incessantly is casting upon you, it is His Love and Compassion and Grace. We are more the disapproving ones than God. Nothing you do is too dreadful for God to come to you in; if He has to take seven or seventy times seven buses to get there. It has been such a disservice to teach that God cannot look upon sin, when most of the time that is exactly where He shows up to get you....right smack dab in the middle of your sin. And you know what? He is looking right at you, with Loving eyes that adore you and say, “ You are my Beloved, won’t you come with me?” The instant we think we have arrived at the most expansive sense of who God could be and how much He can love us, He will break through our insufficient thinking and make Himself known, once more, in a deeper way than before. And all we have to do is be willing to look....to believe in a reality that says God is greater than even what our sense of Him has been and that this reality can and will grow as expansive as our God truly is.....as we all allow our reality to shift.

Thank You Lord for your Love, Compassion and Grace. May we all embrace this deeper still.....

Becoming aware of Your Presence; Experiencing Your Glory.....

2012-01-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

This is the story I desperately wish I had the words to tell....not just once but over and over and over again! My truest, purest desire and deepest weakness draw from the same source of mystery. I see that experiencing You Lord, is the only way to turn from all of the other experiences, in order to find the Grace and the Truth buried beneath the depth of what we previously thought was going on....what we previously credited as reality. The place where, if we are honest, most of us exist for most of our existence. An existence that is shattered when we are confronted by You Lord. But only in that occurrence does this hold True; it is only there that we See and find ourself free to Receive. Which begs the question, that I pray mercifully when I am in the presence of man...”God when will they get to experience You?” As I listen to them portray their stories, I hear the longing in their voice to Know You, and by Know I mean the deepest experience of You. Not just the stories told of You Lord, but the sweet exchange of Your presence for all their brokenness. The point where they see You; truly See You. The space between where the Spirit dwells and we find ourselves loved and free and new and different. It is Your work that does this and not our own. But as I stand and watch, my eyes are blurry with tears because I do not understand why You wait a lifetime with some and a breath with others. I want to weep for us all; not with pride or arrogance but with deep mourning. With words I do not understand. With cries that even my heart cannot translate. With emotions only the Spirit grasps. As I explore Your story, I make sense of how much we have to be taught before we are ready to See. And it is here where I fall, where I grow weary and get so frustrated. I want them to See You, because I know the Power of this. But for reasons in which I still cannot See, myself, it is not yet their time. For You know when we are ready to See You; any time before this is futile. So we wait upon the Wind; the Holy Spirit to move and to give sight to the Blind. I stood today in that final song of Worship losing control of every emotion as the words left my lips “Let us become more aware of Your Presence, Let us experience the Glory of Your Goodness” Yes, yes, yes!!! And this became my prayer! One that stripped away every prideful thought of what I think we need. One that left me raw and humbled to lift us all, myself included, into this conversation. Because this is the Only thing that matters, the Only Truth that works, the Only Capacity for transformation, the Only....Most beautiful, Most precious, Most free moment of our existence here on earth.....Your Presence!
...It penetrates, goes deep into our character; And when it gets there it heals, restores and redeems us. May I always suffer from such humility...that I remember when I stand before man, You and You alone are their Savior. Let us become more aware of Your presence....and please, please let us EXPERIENCE the Glory and the Truth of Your goodness Lord! I cannot find the words even to express the longing I have....Lord teach me.....Holy Spirit You are welcome here!

This is your journey....

2012-01-23T05:33:00.000-08:00

We are all weaved into the tapestry of Grace; every thread finding its strength in being connected to God and to one another. Meant to become a cloth of Grand design that displays His Magnificence! Revealing that there is no perfect story or ideal relationship; just a conglomeration of stories and relationships woven along side the Scarlet Thread. The very Thread that was sent by the Father in order that all the other thread could encounter their purpose and know their dignified worth in the hands of the Weaver. I start here simply to usher you into the sharing of my journey, the parts of my story that I see Jesus tattooed all over. It had been a rough finish to the end of last year. So many changes and losses along the way; and the last three months proved to be the hardest on my spirit...I simply had found myself unmotivated and passionless...uncertain of how I ended up here on the journey and feeling, honestly, as if I had failed. People were constantly asking how the ministry was doing and I could not seem to find an answer that was even satisfying to me; I mean I was seeing God work day in and day out but I just couldn’t see any vision, nor could I recognize my purpose in it all anymore. I entered the new year in a fast and also joining women and men around the world for ONEness Prayer through my Holy Yoga team. Which was great and had started to revive my heart! But it also began to highlight what I felt were my failures. All of the sudden I stood looking around at all of these magnificent creations and all that they were doing and being used for; though I found plenty of room to celebrate with them, I also felt the tug to look at my own situation and feel a bit unsure...to feel a bit small! To analyze whether I was doing enough, whether I was being complacent, whether I was still on the path He wanted! But honestly there I stood immersed in what I loved and pouring into the lives of those precious few God had entrusted me, as He entrusted them... But with whatever lens I was peering through in that moment, I only saw that which subtly eluded that I was not able to do all that I thought I should be doing! As I write the statement I see the Truth trying to capture my attention, but all I felt was that I was not able and those words held a powerful sting. Perhaps I should finish the story as it played out.....So it is week two of the fast and I am invited by a student of my Holy Yoga classes in Edmond to come to her church and share the gift of Holy Yoga with a group of women. I had surrendered to His guidance for this group and trusted He would lead each wherever they needed to go; of course He did! But prior to walking in the doors of that church I had sat in my car asking God once more for the things I had entered my fast seeking. “Lord revive my passion and show me that this is still Our adventure; that there is more to it than this!” I needed to see once more, what all of this was about and mostly what I was doing here, smack dab in the center of it! I was an hour early and just sat in my car talking with Him about the things that were heavy on my heart; about the questions, the doubts, the uncertainties, the feeling insignificant in my own journey..... when oddly the random thought entered my head to go get a pack of gum. Knowing this was outside my fast, I tried to talk myself out of it when I heard God say, “that’s not your battle, go get the gum.” So I drive over to the gas station, getting out to take a gander at the ridiculous assortment of gum available to a person. I find the one I want, I pay and go back to the comfort of my car. As I opened the cover I noticed one of those QR (quick response) codes in the top right of the flap, and as I scanned my eyes across it I quickly understood there was no possible way of me understanding this code. Even if I could scan it, I would only be taken to the place it wanted to lead me. But it did not take the time to reveal the entire journey in which I had to travel to get there. Even the program and equipment that could read these scans would not be able to put what the code meant into terms that I could understand. Even if it tried explaining it I would not be able to understand the language it would have to use in order to establish what was really going on amongst all those dots, lines and boxes. But I did understand that every code was unique; every code distinctly different. But what really captured my attention were the words that had been printed on the left side of the code. In bold white letters “This is your journey”! I truly wasn’t sure why yet but the words grabbed me, and I felt a leap deep inside my spirit. I knew to pay attention. As I went through the teaching that night I loved how God led and how my confidence in myself lacked; somewhere in that exchange is where I always know God is working! I fade away and every heart in the room is offered a pure opportunity to soak in His presence and hear whatever it is He wants to reveal. Eyes are always closed so no one is looking at or to me for revelation. I am simply the facilitator for the moment; God is the revealer, counselor, transformer, comforter, and friend! It was a beautiful practice and His presence was known. After I stepped away from the stage, another woman (oddly enough named Sarah) stepped up to share some of her story with us. As the words left her mouth, I began to understand the bold White words that had grabbed me earlier in the evening. With simplicity she started her story and then sighed, paused and said, “Before I get too far into this I have to say, “This is my journey, each of you in this room have your own journeys; each one significant, each one relevant.” It hits me right there what God is trying to offer me. It was so simple, so true and not even brand new information; just now revelation came along with it. My mind raced through what this meant. You mean this is my journey and I should be celebrating it, not comparing it? This is my journey and I should be filled with excitement for what is to come, not with dread for what is yet to be done? So let me get this right God, if You wanted me to speak in front of gobs of people, I would be? If You wanted me to be a famous artist, I would be? If You wanted me to be the author that I think I should be, I would be? Even more, all this could be happening tomorrow for all I know? I cannot understand the entirety of this journey but what I can rest in is that You are the author and You are getting me where I am supposed to end up? So I can rest? I can enjoy right now, these precious moments of being Davyn’s mommy? Of being a Holy Yoga instructor to a small group of amazing people? Of being an average PTA president at the school down the street from my house? Of being a friend and a counselor? Of just being me? I don’t have to find more in order to be significant? I don’t have to work harder to make the ministry You gave me look like or act like the world thinks it should be? You mean, truly this is enough? This is my journey??? Oh how marvelous I felt. How free! How safe! How certain that I was loved!

Every fiber of our journey, even the broken, tattered and worn down parts are interlaced together to make a thread; one that when joined and woven together with other threads creates a whole picture. Every thread bearing the dignity of its Designer. Every thread necessary in order to define the Masterpiece. Every thread different. Do you see? We are the tapestry. Our journeys are different because they must be in order to bear the Truth of God. Parts of the story just aren’t enough. The dirtiest, most dreadful piece of thread, still has it’s place in the tapestry! Everything matters! The good, the bad, the disturbing parts of your journey....they matter! The colorful and the dull parts matter. The dark and the light. The new and the old. The forgotten and remembered. The healing and the sickness. The wealth and the poverty. The hunger and the thirst. The big picture just isn’t complete without your part, no matter how significant you or the world interprets that part to be! We cannot understand the code, and we cannot decide what is truly valuable to the code. Only He can! I wish I had a picture of what the final tapestry looks like. I bet it is breathtaking! I bet the Scarlet Thread touches every thread on the tapestry at some point or another; bringing with it Passion and Potential and Dignity and Worth. All this to say......THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY....NOW GO LIVE IT!!!! REST IN HIM

What Grace is this....

2011-11-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

Grace encompasses so very much more than my teeny mind can comprehend but when You glimpse before me deeper meaning I am captivated and simply in awe! With a little crumbled up piece of paper in my hand that reads “My Grace is sufficient enough for you.” My heart opens just a bit more to understanding Your words. Its as if I could feel You whisper into me, “Return to grace with every breath, in every breath and for every breath, and beloved it will be enough for you!” Grace stifles out the constant verbal thinking that insists you have not done enough, worked hard enough or achieved enough. You have not made all the right decisions or accomplished all the expected successes. You have not prayed enough, loved enough, served enough, lived enough and the oh too powerful and familiar thought, “you are not enough.” Grace meets these thoughts right from whence the darkness came and quietly responds, “I accept that, and it may very well be true in this world, but it does not change the fact that I am still accepted enough and loved enough, by the only One who truly matters.” For by the Grace of God I am who I am, right here and right now with all my failures, shame and disgrace. This is my story, all of it! It takes back the power from the darkness and returns it to the source. Those words of yours lose their influence and any control they had over you, as you begin to accept them and then quickly turn to the One who accepts you no matter whether these things are true or not; whether they can be counted or covered. I suppose I just never looked at Grace quite this way. I suppose I always looked at Grace as what God gave me after I had sinned. Not what He gave me during my sin. Not what He offered me in every moment. Not what He provided to save me from myself! But here it is a very sweet exchange of all my “not enough’s” for an all powerful “I said you are enough!” Grace does not always change us immediately but it does remind us of how very much He loves and believes in us! It is just the most endearing gift! He does not try to change us or insist on us doing it His way (because He knows that we cannot without Him), instead He offers Grace and through a numerous and continuous offer of that very Grace, we usually find ourselves transformed deeply over time!

Your life is then no longer the sum of all the places you did it right, the places you succeeded, the places you excelled; but instead it is more about the place you went after you had done it wrong, after you had completely failed or screwed up, perhaps again and again. It seems so unfair, it seems like we should pay for it or earn it....but it is simply offered over and over. I would argue that Grace feels like betrayal, especially when we are asked to extend it unto others. To simply accept that someone, as they are with all the things they have done, even those things that hurt you; that they deserve Grace! Our minds will often scream, “but they haven’t earned it, they haven’t even begun to change their behavior.” Insert the prodigal son story here, remember how it plays out. Remember Jesus came for the sick not the well and aren’t we all suffering from just a little of the sickness? But you see, that is the mystery of Grace and the beauty of it’s supernatural healing power. Grace feels a lot like love, it accepts injury and insult without a fiery tongue that lashes back, accepts rejection and betrayal without vengeance having its way, accepts that everything is beautiful just as it is, broken and messy and that there is still light to be found in every space you look! It smiles at the darkness welcoming its taunts and then without shame turns to bathe in the Light. Even as I write this down, I feel as if I want to stop my hands and utter aloud, ummm....now hold on here! Isn't this giving an excuse to people making bad choices to keep making bad choices and never change? Don't we have to do something, if we don’t change and do things right then Grace will surely stop. It is as if I want to attach a warning, a fairness button, if you will, for all of us who are making the right choices today....but wouldn’t it be an utter shame if I had my way! Wouldn’t all of my wrongs look so much different if I could not see them through the lens of Grace! This reminds me of that story in the bible about the workers who were paid the same wage no matter what time of day that they had started working.......so here we stand 2000 some odd years later complaining of the same treatment. Surely those who have sinned much should not receive the Grace I did when I came to work for you Lord. Surely the man who murders, rapes, abuses, steals cannot find His name among those in the Grace Story. Surely those who continue to hurt people and themselves cannot touch Your Grace and receive from it the healing, peace, comfort and love it offers. But who are we to decide what each man will be paid for their labors here on earth. I know it feels wrong but I have come to understand it as perfectly right...It is AMAZING GRACE!

Wisdom from the Thorn

2011-10-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Still processing it all from the previous blog...however, as revelation has come upon me today I must mention, I had tried myself to pull the thorn out many many many times; but to no avail! My methods were painful and rash and desperate at times, but the thorn never budged. It simply bore itself more deeply into my side as if to say, “It’s not your hand that may remove me from your side.” Only the hand of God could remove the thorn, and it required little effort of my own; I had only to lie down and be willing to let Him work. For the thorn had its orders and I had mine, and only the Lord could speak over either of us to move....I suppose I say this because of the beauty of His perfect timing. For a time I needed the thorn, He was using it in my life; He was there! When He no longer saw a need for it, well then He came to me and walked me through its removal. Much like the last line of the previous blog...the wine making is up to Him. It is learning what your role is and knowing you have one, but relenting before Him always to listen for what this moment’s Wisdom may offer and being aware that this Wisdom changes from season to season. We do not control the seasons, and therefore cannot control the changes. We can resist them but ultimately will be overcome if it His will in which we have come to desire! So leave the thorn removal to Him which designed the rose; partake of its splendor for the season and partake of the pain if it what is necessary.....

The Moon Daddy......

2011-10-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

“Why is the moon following us Daddy?”

“It only appears that way dear.”

I entered my weekend of retreat greeted by the sweetest story from the lips of a precious woman of God. She tells of a young girl in the back seat of her Dad’s car asking ”Why is the moon following us, Daddy?” And her Father explained in great detail Einstein's theory and other scientific details; trying to satisfy her question. To which she replied, with gratification in her voice, “Ok, Daddy.” After an hour more of driving, again she said, “Daddy, why is the moon following us?” This time her Daddy just smiled and said, “It only appears that way dear.”

Perhaps that this is how we can view Our Father, that He could try, and may have tried, to explain it all to us but our simple and small minds are unable to comprehend and we find ourselves asking “Why” over and over again, and the best answer He can lovingly offer is, “It only appears that way dear.”

I sat in the car, riding to the retreat, feeling the familiar draw of the Holy Spirit within my chest. My mind had found itself buried deeply in the throne room of this heart and there I stood, palms open, waiting for what was coming upon me. I knew it was Him, because I had not even known a season of mourning was owed until He stripped the armor from my body and breathed into me, “Let us prepare for surgery dearest Sarah.” I humbly laid down and with every nerve in tact felt as His masterful hand reached into my side and pulled out the thorn. As long as I had been waiting for it to be removed, I thought elation would be the first emotion I felt but instead, what felt like deep, deep sorrow welled up from within. A sorrow I knew the Holy Spirit felt and shared with my soul as I began to cry. I heard my own lip’s confess, “I will embrace this loss and mourn it with and through You beloved Spirit.” It isn’t a loss as maybe some would imagine. I hadn’t lost a life, a relationship, a job or any other tangible obvious thing. But instead I was losing a thorn, a thorn I had been asked to carry. A thorn that I had felt transform my spirit, my soul, my identity, my story....One that beautifully mingled a journey of pain, of struggle, of indifference, of wrestling, of absolute surrender, of trust, of faith, of revelation, and of identity into the most profound dance I have ever experienced! But today He was saying, “I am removing it from your rib sweet child and though your body has grown over its point and the flow of its shape has joined in harmony with your flesh, it is time for Me to take it out! It will be painful, but it must come out in order for your flesh to heal.”

So surgery began and I surrendered and wept as we walked through it! I knew He couldn’t explain it to me, I knew I would never understand! I knew that why was a question I needed to relent. That there was not an answer in this moment that would satisfy my soul and so He simply breathed once more, “It only appears that way dear.” The thorn held tight to my innermost parts, but He kindly cut away until it fell to the floor. So I grieved....and the women around me grieved with me, in silence and prayer. Most not even knowing what or why I was grieving. But the fragrant gift of silence the Spirit offered us all, left us in a room filled with raw heavenly expanse. The sweet story of the women at the grave of Jesus kept brushing up against my soul. That there they stood weeping and staring at an empty tomb, confused and disoriented. There was no understanding to be found! The promise had been so Alive, for so long, for these faithful women who spent much time in His divine presence, but now had appeared to be dead. The tomb that once held the promise was now empty. He was gone from that place. He was no longer where He was for all those years before. He had departed and there they stood bewildered; mystified at how and why all of this had happened as it had. So they wept and they mourned and they let every raw emotion fill the space between their lungs; as if they had known it was a necessary part of the process. Death and mourning precede resurrection; and Glory can be found woven throughout the thread of the entire process. So as I gazed down at my open wound, now missing the very thorn with which the skin had been held in tact for so very long, I wept. I felt. I painfully rejoiced in my utter uncertainty. I recognized that He was no longer there. He had moved; I didn’t know where. I guess as I stood there I even began to wonder if there was ever anything there at all. But quickly His gentle, loving hand moved in and massaged my heart with the reassurance that this is not about whether He was ever there; He was and I knew it! I had seen too much, heard too much and experienced too much of Him there to deny it! This was simply a time to mourn the loss of what was for so long His work space, and was now no longer. He thoughtfully revisited Abraham and Isaac with me, revealing a much more profound perspective. “Sarah I am right here and I was right there too. There is a reason you cannot make out within your own mind, that which I tell my children for a time one thing and then at a time of my knowing, I exchange it with something new. I desire for them to follow me no matter where I go. However they can get too attached to what I once said, and they will tend not hear what I am saying now. Imagine if Abraham argued with Me at the top of the mountain, “But You said this, I must do this, it must be this way. Because I am certain You said this.” As if he believed that this one Word from Me was the end all be all for his life; as if it were the measure of his entire relationship with Me. As if this happening just as he thought it would was somehow linked to who I was in his life. What if he was so bent on having and doing it right in his mind that this became the objective, and he missed or even rejected Me saying something new to him. Something like, hey don’t kill your son Abraham.”

Why are so many of us uncomfortable with this? With God saying in one moment one thing and then at another moment something completely different? I think it reveals to us our greatest fear; that we do not have God figured out. That we truly do not have the knowledge of the Tree of Good and Evil, and that, if we are honest, we hesitate to believe that the Tree of Life is enough for us. Our desire to give all things meaning sometimes overwhelms our ability to just be wherever He is. Because the beauty of all of these stories from the bible and our lives, is that God is in something new and more Glorious than the place He had first been encountered. It does not negate or minimize the previous encounter but it moves our perspective into a more remarkable encounter ahead. The retreat was so symbolic of how His healing works, He performed the surgery, mourned with me as He healed me, and then quietly invited me over to be washed by His merciful hands. As if to meet me where I stood and offer Himself once more as a sacrifice for my life, my sin, my pain and my struggle. And so in the moonlight of the night beneath all His creation, bare and vulnerable I entered the water and let Him wash over me. As I let my gaze move toward Him, willing to follow Him into the new places we would go, He quietly knelt down and continued washing away the fear, the doubt, the shame, the embarrassment, the judgement and the worry that was tied to where we had been.....setting me free to enter the new space with more joy, and trust and faith and awareness than I had ever known. You are so so good Healer, Father, Redeemer, Friend and Companion. I will go where you go and I will relent that when the moon seems to be following me home that maybe, just maybe it only appears that way....I will trust that the Son will rise with each new day to meet me when I wake with a new and more Glorious breath of Life. I will continue to fill my life to the brim with the water, but I will leave the wine making up to You....

Rest In Him sweet, sweet journeymen!!!

B.E.L.I.E.V....

2011-09-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

As I stood in the kitchen at my sink this late afternoon, I felt the sun peeking over the top of the house next door; its radiance poured out over me and I felt loved. Not in a way words could explain, but in a familiar fashion that only the heart can translate. The whisper of wind floating in the trees as I looked out and saw with certainty that You’re not finished yet with this situation; as of now I must accept that Your word still stands. I heard You speak and yet I have doubted and argued and fought those words with each glimpse of their impossibility. But I always end up here...sure that this is what I was told. So even as my soul screams for freedom from the vow I’ve taken to believe, indeed I must do just that! Not just to believe where it’s easy or for what I chose, but to believe in things I do not find happiness or understanding. And the sunlight catches my eye once more and I am taken by the sheer joy Your presence brings me. This is life as You meant it! If only I could stay here all the days and simply forget what awaits my emotions as the world around me finds it way back into my consciousness. For it was just the other day I sat with You and a friend on that beautiful green sofa and cried bitter tears of anguish and called out to You, “I need You to cut this string or secure it with two others; that it may not be easily broken. I am not strong enough, alone, to carry the weight of what I have been asked. My mind is tortured as I watch the charade being bought and sold, time and time again. As if we are all blind and dumb to the truth. I just want to be set free from the tie that binds my soul to those words I heard You speak so clearly.” My cries went on, “Father, have I not done all that You have asked, do I not live in Your presence and for Your story? Then please show me; release me from this! Tell me I was wrong, my pride does not find a purpose here; being wrong would cost me less. I need Your peace to leave and I beg You, relentlessly, to set me free.” And so it began, You answered my prayer with two more strings. I may never know this side of Heaven why You told me these words but I know I trust Your wisdom in the matter and just ask that You would Hold me close and bring me more of You. My understanding is not like Yours and I long to find You in every breath my lungs inhale. So if I must stay here longer, then I beg Your presence becomes overwhelming and my intimacy with You contented; that I may know You more. It is in this moment in the sun that I see Your answers.....The words exchanged before my ears so that I may hear and listen again. The dreams that haunt my sleep that I may rise and pray again. The strength that is passed to me from your precious flock that I may speak and believe again....and so once more I will stand and I will believe! With no agenda, with no desired outcome, with nothing to gain or lose...just a dependency on You that will survive whichever outcome lays in store!

It wasn’t until I sat down to write that I began to recognize the inspiration our window exchange had left me with.....I walked away lead to create and as I sat it all just began to flow, much like when We write together Lord. It came quickly and naturally. As I spelled out BELIEVE and painted it onto the canvas, I saw I had no room left for the final “E”. Right there in the panic of how to salvage all that had already been put into this creation, a masterpiece was birthed. In my miscalculation of the edge, I began to see something there in this work of art that I had neither planned nor anticipated. I thought it was over and instead it was just beginning. Here is what was made....

Something beautiful always happens when we are willing to Believe....

Dog biscuits do not contain magnets....

2011-08-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

The title must bring about some sort of inquisition for you. So let me fill you in; it is three separate stories that all have come together for one...God is good! The other day I had gone out to my car and at some point realized my drivers side tire was flat. To which my response was a simple smile and joke between God and I about Hibdon tires. I candidly whispered to Him, “yeah, we are do for another visit to the office.” Then I smiled inwardly to myself because, you see, every time I have gone to Hibdons over the past four years I have had an amazing interaction with one of His children and it never fails! So I didn’t panic as I knew it was coming and honestly with some excitement I got into my car and drove very slowly on my flat (I know bad idea, but I was sure God was gonna get me there safely....after all I had an appointment). I drove with sheer anticipation going 20mph the whole way :)

So as I arrived at Hibdons with my books in tow preparing for a long visit. I bought four tires and sat down to read. I took an initial scan of the guests but no one particularly stood out so I simply prayed, asking God to have His way and went on to read Matthew in my message bible. As they had pulled my car in, I saw them start working on it and took the opportunity to pause and look around for any possible eye contact, but none. So back to reading I went; oddly enough as I see them finishing up my car, at precisely the Right moment, a man sits down next to me and says, “Are you reading the bible?” My eyes look up upon a tall man of middle eastern decent. There was a spark in his eyes and as I replied, “yes”, he said, “that is very good, very good.” Trying to contain a joyful smile he asked, “What part are you in?” To which I said, “The new testament; Matthew.” I went on saying, “You know I can read this book year after year and I am blown away by all the new things it reveals to me each and every time I pick it up.” He nodded his head as if in complete agreement and gently said, “I feel the same way about the Koran.” He continued, “There is always more between the lines that God wants to show us.” We sat and spoke of God. We talked of how the endless search for worth and money has left our people heavy and burdened; but that a relationship with God could cure it all. We pondered why it is so hard to teach people this and how you cannot force ones eyes to be opened, ears to be cleared, or hearts to be receptive. But how once you’ve seen, heard or experienced Him, you just want to share all of the gifts He has poured out on your life with every man and woman. I explained that relationship with God seems so intangible to people and that this is why I thought it was so hard to offer that gift to others. To which he replied with a quite humorous but very true metaphor. He said, “I would argue that God is tangible, He leaves a trail on our lives and on all creation that shows He has been there,” He said, “and it is a tangible trail.” He started the metaphor, “It is like a camel in the desert, they are hard to catch a glimpse of as the dirt blows and camouflages their coats as they blend so well with the sand, and so long after the camel has gone, whether you ever saw him there or not there is a trail, a trail of his poop is left behind and so you can be certain a camel was there.” He said, “I think God leaves a trail too, in our lives and if we look closely we will see that it is indeed there and is very tangible.” I pretty much loved him for comparing Camel poo to God’s trail in our life, but the point was true. I knew I could indeed find tangible places where God had moved through my life, and he in his.

We concluded with a comparison of the gifts of the ruler of this world, we both knew him as satan, to the gifts from the ruler of the Kingdom, God. And he left me with this thought. He said, “When we acquire the gifts if this world (i.e. really anything monetary or material), we have the hardest time sharing them. There may be a select few people we choose to share with, but we certainly don’t naturally go offering them to a perfect stranger. However the gifts of God we cannot help but want to share with everyone.” I said, “Perhaps it is because subconsciously we recognize that there is an abundance of one where there is never enough of the other. The other will never fill you, no matter how much you gain you intrinsically know it will not be enough; it cannot be enough. And so you have none to spare for a brother or sister. But with Gods gifts, love, joy, peace, kindness....there is a never ending supply and you naturally want others to share in it with you. It feels right when you share them and really, really good. There is enough to go around.” Within our final words he said, “ We can never completely understand Him; He is God and we are not, but we can have relationship with Him which is enough and probably all we could handle.” I simply walked away in awe of God and His ways which I can never fully understand; even when I think I have the perfect grasp I realize in humility I do not know at all. But I always have a relationship with Him and that warms my soul and fills me completely.

So the day goes on and the following morning I arrive at Holy Yoga, where a dear friend of mine is stepping into teaching and this was her first class. The message she decided on was the Wisdom of God stemming from the story of Job; which if you have read it really shakes one’s understanding of God and of God’s relationship with satan and the choices made for our lives...lots there! But mostly it expresses how little we really understand about God and that we cannot truly question it because we don’t posses the capacity to process the answer. There were no right answers among the friends who came to speak to Job, and even Job had it all wrong. None of them had it figured out and none of them truly understood what was going on, even though some tried to convince themselves they did. God did not intend us to understand Him, just to be with Him. Just to love Him and trust His judgement and guidance for our steps. We struggle to understand, we try to explain...all of us do it! Because it makes us feel better or more safe or closer to God; like if we box Him in then we will never be shocked, surprised, or hurt. Now we all know logically this is absurd but we still do it. He has never asked that of us; trying to understand Him completely. He has simply said, “You my child can trust Me.” We try to make sense of His movement in our lives; and it is an ongoing process to relinquish our own understanding and rest in His. It boils back down to trusting in who He is, and what He has said, and believing in the availability of your relationship with Him. And the security that this is enough! That you do not need to understand to believe and live fully in Him!

Our cars and our houses are purposed to contain us, but they cannot and neither can we contain an understanding of God. He is free, He is everywhere, He is a mystery, He is beautiful, He is loving. But mostly He is available; all the time, in every moment, in all things! So the last story brings us back to the title. I was meeting with a dear friend hashing through some of the struggles I had and surrendering to the fact that I truly had no idea exactly what God was up to. That I have had moments of discernment along the way but far from a complete picture about why I am where I am with certain promises He has whispered to me. Things I don’t want or want to do but cannot shake the constant message that indeed this is what He is asking. And so I get up to go to the restroom and as I sat down I see a tiny, folded up piece of paper in the corner on the floor. And I focus in on it and it seems to have writing on the inside. So I reach for it and as I unfold it I read, in bold print as if from a manufacturer, “DOG BISCUITS DO NOT CONTAIN MAGNETS.” I thought, huh!?!?!?! That doesn’t even make sense at all, but I knew God had wanted me to find that little piece of paper and so I stuck it in my purse and rested knowing, or rather hoping, He would eventually explian. So later that night, I typed into google “dog biscuits do not contain magnets”. The article that came up was funny to me and spoke about anthropomorphizing (ascribing human characteristics to a non-human). Hmmm.... isn’t this exactly what we do to God. When as far as we know, He does not think, live or breath like us. I have had a long hard walk of trying to figure out why things have happened in my life. Not understanding why He asks me to do one thing and not to do others. Why this and why that; oh and of course the moments when I thought I had it all figured out.... what I have come to discover is I am not God. We cannot attribute our qualities onto Him and then decide we have it all figured out and lay judgement on the world, or disappointed on Him when it does not play out as we had figured. The truth is that the very best of our thinking is much too simple and much too self serving to be compared to Wisdom of God. The perfect metaphor for trying to understand God is about as clear as DOG BISCUITS DO NOT CONTAIN MAGNETS...I can see it, I can read it, I can comprehend what it is literally saying, I can gather that it means something, but for the life of me I do not claim to understand or have it all figured out about why this little note was ever printed or what exactly it is saying or how it found its way to my path, but I believe God does! Some of you may think you know, some of you may spend the rest of your life burdened to figure it out and then a few of you will rest and enjoy whatever has been given to you whether good or bad and find fulfillment in simply getting to know the Creator, Designer, Manufacturer, and Keeper of all that you will ever come to see, hear or know!

p.s. I see God in all of this, linking it all together before me and for His Kingdom. You may not understand or see how I concluded this...but I'll leave the explaining up to HIm, He is always more more equipped to get the intended point across than I...... Rest In Him!

Stories untold....

2011-08-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

Sitting here behind this page I realize how very long it has been since I’ve written. But sadly I also sit and recall all the stories I should have told when they were fresh to my soul, instead of buried behind days of frivolous details that have fogged the glass just enough to have lost their simple clarity. How many stories do we leave untold? I often wonder what comes of story telling, but I have seen and don’t need to question long the answer to this. I mean it is, after all, stories that make our lives. Often stories told in truth and transparency do miraculous things for the lives of others. They give us insight and understanding, compassion and relevance, perspective and coherence, community and comfort, inspiration and connection. They give us reality like none other. Why do you think testimonies are so valuable? They offer a similar taste of a reality we are all trying to grasp onto; not the reality of this world but the reality of the divine that we catch sight of in brief but intoxicating encounters. We are all captivated by stories, no matter our age, gender, disabilities, fears, doubts, insecurities, religion or occupations. Think about it...stories level us out to the same field. Movies are stories; some true, some not, but stories none the less. Books, songs, poems, psalms, the news, scripture, pictures, magazines, and even science; all stories told from one man to another! I acknowledge not all stories are good or true, but all stories intrinsically command an audience and capture our attention. They play on our thoughts, emotions and experiences. They offer us escape, adventure and creativity. A good story will stop people from what they are doing and draw them into contemplative and euphoric states; ones where they have forgotten their troubles and surrendered their responsibilities to briefly partake in the telling of another’s experience with the human condition. Watching, hearing or reading a story from a distance is influential of itself but the straightforward act of asking someone their story will often produce a bond between mankind unlike another. I live for stories, I have discovered the simple but powerful connection that sharing your story and offering an environment for others to share theirs creates. People want to tell their story, they are dying to be heard and known. This is one of the most beautiful gifts we can offer each other. Let me explain...it makes people feel loved, trusted, significant, human if you will... I do not always hand a homeless person five dollars but instead stop what I am doing to sit and exchange stories with them. Whether true stories or not, these stories need to be heard and should be told. It is no matter of the accuracy as much the simple act of saying I will listen...I am not here to fix or mend, judge or correct, analyze or argue; but instead to offer you a basic human need..an ear to be attentive to your story. Our stories can and frequently will be skewed, but not to fret, this does not alter the transaction...because ultimately when we listen to a story we will only glean that which survives our analytical and bruised perspective. I can learn from a lie and I can learn from truth, because ultimately it all will fall on the table of my understanding and view of things before it reaches my heart. This I would argue is why stories are told, because we all do not have eyes that see the same, ears that hear the same or hearts that receive the same.

I stumbled upon this story about stories in my message bible and love its simplicity. Matthew writes that the disciples approached Jesus and asked “Why do you tell stories?” He answers, “You’ve been given insight into God’s Kingdom. You know how it works. Not everybody has this gift, this insight; it hasn’t been given to them. Whenever someone has a ready heart for this, the insights and understandings flow freely. But if there is no readiness, any trace of receptivity soon disappears. That’s why I tell stories; to create readiness, to nudge the people toward receptive insight...”

My gathering from this is that the transaction of story telling alone does something profound in the hearts of others; whether or not we agree is irrelevant, whether or not we have an epiphany instantly is irrelevant, whether or not we understand completely is irrelevant...story telling in itself is creating a posture for insight and readiness. I know I have told stories and the eyes across from me have said, yeah right. But I also know those same eyes have flickered with a what if... It isn’t my job to dissect the story and explain with certainty and precision what each piece unequivocally means. I tell the story setting it free to offer whatever it will to the audience. I don’t have control and so I do not try to control it. I do not have perfect understanding so I do not try to make them understand it perfectly. I do not know what they are gleaning and so I do not try to tell them what to glean...no it is a loving and free exchange of a story I found along my journey; there is beauty and purity and lessons and morals and hidden meanings and powerful messages waiting to be unfurled before the eyes, ears and hearts of the listeners. But I cannot wait to tell my stories for certainty that this is true or in order to teach what I find important; no instead I must speak and find the freedom that awaits my soul in the willingness to offer my raw, unfinished, unedited, imperfect, invalidated, but true as I understand them stories. With the willingness to be wrong, to be corrected, to be offensive, to be embarrassed.....So How many stories do we leave untold? Perhaps because we think they do not matter, or because they reveal too much of our selves, or because we assume no one would want to hear them, or we do not want to take the time to tell them? Write your story, speak your story, share your story, record your story, whisper your story, sell your story, sing your story, dance your story, act your story, capture your story, live your story..because you matter and your story may just be the beginning of readiness and receptive insight for a fellow journeyman or even for yourself....

Eyes to see...hands to feel

2011-06-25T16:41:00.000-07:00

Words on Paper

Message on my Soul

Everything is beautiful

and everything is a mystery

Hold My Hand

Don’t let go

My soul can’t take another fall

Or perhaps it is exactly what I need

Guess I don’t truly know

But it’s terrifying

The risk has always been worth it

that is what I’d say

But standing in front of the prospect of the familiar pain

I would try to turn and run

Run where? Who knows?

What is the point really?

Everything I hope for comes from You

and You are everywhere

So where would I run

But into Your arms once again

To Rest and Know

Your Love remains

The Love I desire and thrive on

comes from Your touch alone

So Hold My Hand

Don’t let go

“Don’t panic” You whisper, “I am with you,

I’ll give you strength”

“I’ll help you ~ keep you steady;

keep a firm grip on you”

And then I see

my eyes are opened

Wide Open

and the Light floods in

And then I feel

My hand in Yours

Don’t let go

I won’t...

vous êtes assez parce qu'il est assez...

2011-06-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

Will it be enough? Do you ever find yourself asking this? I do, probably more than most. I guess its the feeling of not being enough, having enough, knowing enough and on and on and on..... In the quietness of my soul I listened the other day and heard Him whisper, “Who gave you your ability Sarah? Did you give it unto yourself?” And so I lined up all the things that I feel gifted with and held them up to the light and asked myself what exactly I believed about it all. I started with counsel. Well, here is one I knew God gave me. Because I never ever feel prepared or like I am enough to sit before a human heart and help them find the healing He has planned. I know I need Him for this! I know I am not enough, but what I forget is that everything He has given me up to this moment, sitting before one of His precious children, is enough and He will always do the rest. So dare I say to each of you, “What He has already given you will be enough, even and especially when you are sure you are not enough!” How does that settle? Hard to believe? Hard to not run back to all the things you are not. Why is it that we find comfort in what we are not, but never in what we are? I would argue that in His infinite wisdom He knew this would draw us to Him; His will and His purpose. I need Him to counsel, I am only part of what He has already done. So lets move on to the more obscure. Lets take writing....I never knew I would write. My mom would say she probably knew, but I did not. All of my writings were private! But one day it was like an idea dying to escape my mind and all that I could do was fall and let my hands speak through little black buttons on a keyboard. I look back often and learn from my own writing. Often wondering where on earth those words came from. But I do not wonder long; those who wonder are not always lost. I know He was inspiring me! I never practiced writing formally, never went to a school for writing; just simply found that He had placed it deep within me from an early age! I am always moved by what He does with these stories and my broken soul! I am honored to write. I am not great at grammar, spelling; nor do I claim perfect english or writing knowledge. But yet I write as if I know I am not enough and He never fails to quicken my heart and provide the content for the page. So onto Yoga; where counsel, writing and worship collide! This one I struggle with. After all I have studied for years, I have gained certifications and attended the conferences. I mean didn’t I do this? I have stood before my class confident and prepared to teach. And until recently I thought I was enough.....When my heart began yearning for more; when I wanted depth in these moments, this is when I didn’t feel like enough...what a familiar lesson I learn...When I am doing His work I do not feel that I am enough, this puts my mind and soul in perspective. I do not dare enter the room without my armor. I am talking of course of something that is no longer about the workout, but about the worship! Who on earth did I think I was to lead worship? Apparently its not who I think I am but who He thinks I am. I am finally empty in this gift; finally sure it is His and not mine! That He brought me to this moment and gave me this heart and this ability and I know I am not enough. But what He has already given me will be enough. My “not much” is plenty if I bring it before Him. In yoga I have learned to slowly fade away into the background, while He moves to the forefront and does it all! Perhaps not being enough is precisely what He had in mind.....When I think of the gift of Love that He has placed so deep inside my being; I know I am not enough to love as He has loved. I know because I resist from time to time. When my pride insists they do not deserve forgiveness or mercy or grace.... but despite me He loves through me. I feel it rise from the inside out; I can no longer see the old person just the new standing before me and a love I cannot describe from within does stir. Their trespasses fade and the current moment floods my eyes; I see hope and a future that is beautiful and promises healing and freedom for us both!

As God would have designed a world that is upside down from what we have created or come to accept...when you feel your least; He can make you His best...when you feel your weakest; He can make you His bravest warrior...when you are afraid to jump; He can make you fly....when you feel something has died; He can restore it to life! I have never been so afraid to dream again and yet never so excited for what He can do with this in me. Something in me had died last year and here it has had a new awakening. Its as if with the arrival of spring came new life...new courage....new direction....new adventure....new freedom! His love is amazing indeed! As the brash wave of winter has dissipated from my soul with the dormant branches slowly inhaling deeply of their former vitality. What an inspiring picture of resurrection He has painted over nature; the dead springing into life, but not just any life...New life. A New name has been given to you my Beloved; one that will remain through all seasons. May I allure your heart back unto Myself as I bring you back to life! Breathe... just Breathe and know I Am God! The ruler of this world cannot stop the seasons from changing, and new life from arising......

Pen to Paper...You to Me....

2011-05-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

There are moments like eternity that consume my thoughts. As I sat pondering within this precious heart of mine all that You have placed so deep; I stumble upon the all to familiar desire...the one that has outlasted every point in my journey. The desire to write...I live and breathe stories. Words on the page...across my lips....to my ears, past my heart...it is Your gift placed deep within my soul! It is my measure of all that You do. I get lost in the breath of the spirit as I write; when I look back upon what the paper now reads I am in awe because I see it was not me at all. I learn from my own writing, simply because I am not writing but instead opening up to YOU and becoming a conduit for Your inspiration. Words on paper can be meaningless but they also can be heaven breathed and inspiring. May the words never stop flowing through my fragile human hands and may Your Spirit always find me surrendered to this gift You have bestowed upon my soul! The early morning hours welcome me into Your creativity; a space and a time to write. A time to explore all that carries on throughout my day, my night and within my thoughts, desires and sleepy dreams. You are a God who speaks and I praise You that my ears have heard, my eyes have seen and my heart knows....but mostly that my hands write and my lips speak of all You have done for me.

The last year has been such a place of finding You are not simply what I think You are;

You are a mystery....You are an adventure...You are a surprise birthday party....You are the same but You change me with every breath. I long for more, Lord. I do not want to fall away from Your gaze for one second. I want to be lost in what You are making me. So very lost that only through You can I ever be found, can I ever stop wondering, can I be still and know...

The contents of my heart are known to You, the Love I have overflows as I watch the design You have taken on Your creation. I hear the whisper for this moment; I have not lost it....Micah 6:8 “He has shown each man what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with Your God.” May I trust You more each day with the hearts and stories of others as I equally rest knowing my story is Yours as well. May I be humble in knowing I do not know.... May I trust the unknown into Your precious hands once more and simply act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with You Lord. You are the author of my story may I live and write in that awareness; may the world become the background and this the reality I dwell in. I place my heart in Your hands knowing to be still as You continue to reveal the capacity for love; the perfect love that You meant when You breathed Your promises into my soul.