Caught My Whimsy

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 02:06:00 +0000

I cannot believe how long it has been since I have posted to ANY of my blogs. How easy it is to stay away when life is going fairly well - or, at least you are staying busy. How fast you come flying back when the walls come crumbling down around you.

I think it is hilarious that the last post I made was the my husband got a job, especially since he was laid off on Friday. At least, as he said, he wasn't in the first round of layoffs. He was in the second. He figures there will be a third. His boss, well his ex-boss, is looking for a job. We are in, what I lovingly like to call the "batten-down-the-hatches" mode. The storm flags are flying and the all hell is about to break loose.

Job hunting is crappy to do during the holidays. There is just no other way to put it!

My father has cancer. My best friend has acute pancreatitis. I just found out that a medication combination that was working to help with the pain level I was having for one problem was causing my migraines to reappear.

Have to rethink that one now.

And, I want to totally re-vamp my blog. But, I have no idea in the world how to go about doing that. So, one more thing to learn. But, I seem to do some of my best research when I am really stressed.

Tomorrow is the unemployment office and applying for food stamps. I've been through this nightmare before. The last time we did this it lasted two years and we ended up sleeping on the floor of my mother's den for nine months. I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that this time. But, you just never can tell.

I, however, am hoping for the best.

IT'S OFFICIAL - HE GOT A JOB OFFER

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 09:43:00 +0000

Well, I could go back and see just when the job hunt stated, but I just don't have the energy. In fact, I really want to be asleep, but my brain is just whirling and twirling too much for me to actually relax!

My husband FINALLY got a job offer. He's come really close a couple of times, and he had entered into negotiations twice with two different companies. One in Arizona and one in Illinois. But, as negotiations can, things did not come together.

This time, this time it looks like things are going to fall into place. And I feel like we were rounding the fourth turn and heading into the final stretch and all we could see were the asses of the other horses in front of us. Now, coming into the home stretch, Erik is hitting his stride and passing everything in sight. It is glorious to see.

After seven years of pure hell, it really is okay for us to have a little bit of goodness in our lives. So, I'll take it. And, be very, very grateful. Something that I haven't really felt for a very long time.

And, magic is come into our lives again. Prosperity is something I think I had stopped believing in, at least for us. Two years homeless after he lost his job in 2001. Then we went through bankruptcy, losing our house, car, almost all of our possessions, etc. It is humiliating and very debilitating to go through that. And, even though you may get back up on your feet financially - it takes much, much longer to get back up on your "feet" mentally. In other words, it takes a while for you to get over that "it is all going to disappear tomorrow" feeling.

We were just starting to feel like things could have some permanency when it was time to start job hunting again. I almost feel like job contracts should be abolished. Hi, we'll hire you, but only for three years, and in one year increments at that. It is a ridiculous policy.

But, this company, the one that has made the gesture towards hiring him, is one that he has already stated he could work for until retirement. That is saying a lot from the guy who suffers from perpetual boredom.

Anyway, I know that this is just mundane, boring, regular stuff I am talking about, but you see, this is HUGE news in our household. To NOT be homeless again is HUGE. And, I just had to rattle on about it.

Take care, PLAY-PASSIONATELY and try out my link to Big Crumbs. I think you will be very happy that you did. Just look in the column to the right.

Have a great day.
Annie

Tornado Aftermath

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 02:39:00 +0000

tornadoaftermath, originally uploaded by jazzway.

This is a picture of my mother. But, it is from years ago. She was a nursing home administrator and the nursing home she was working at had been hit by a tornado the day before. She was walking the grounds to see just how extensive the damage was, and I was documenting the excursion. I don't think I've ever seen her looking quite so dejected as in this photo.

She's just having her period - it's not a crime....

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 07:02:00 +0000

I saw a commercial on TV tonight that confused my daughter, and I have to admit, myself. It was sponsored by Always brand menstrual pads. Not the most common of topics I suppose, but what the heck. I'm not one to just leave an uncomfortable subject lying there because it is, well....uncomfortable.

The commercial talked about girls in South Africa missing school one week a month because they were having their periods and that they were consistently so far behind because of this that they would eventually just drop out of school. We figured that this was due to some sort of social stricture - but, I was surprised to find out that is really is more of a simple hygiene problem.

So, it seems that Always brand and Tampax brand have joined together with the United Nations, etc. to bring education, dorms, fresh water, pads, and other essentials to the girls so they don't have to miss school simply because they are experiencing the natural functioning of their bodies.

Protecting Futures

I encourage you to go read about the program.

At the very least I encourage you to purchase Always brand and Tampax brand. At least through the end of 2008. The length of the program.

Visit ProtectingFutures.com

What a Job Offer????

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 07:36:00 +0000

You know that the job offer isn't one that you really want when, after looking at all the numbers (cost of insurance premiums, new tax bracket, etc.) you realize that you will actually be bringing home LESS money.

So, what do you do?

You negotiate for more time to make the decision.

And watch the interesting emails that come in immediately afterwards.

Two fascinating job opportunities arrived for my husband right after we decided that this job offer he received on Friday probably wasn't the right one for him. But, what do you do when you know that the end of the contract is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER???

Fall back 10 yards and punt.

Learn to close your eyes and dance on that beam suspended over that waterfall.

Go to bed and have great sex!

All of the above.

Meanwhile I am working to start my own business. I am teaching myself jewelry making. What a trip.

However, as I used to be a massage therapist (for 10 years) and I loved working with my hands...it is something that I am truly enjoying. When I have some decent examples of my work I will have to put it up so everyone can enjoy the fruits of my labor.

The stress of the full-time job I have as job-hunt secretary is getting on my nerves. I don't work full-time because of my disability. And, that is what I am doing right now - working full-time. As a job hunt researcher, resume writer, correspondent, etc. I am not getting paid nearly enough for the work that I am doing.

Well, I just wanted to touch base and actually write on my blog. And, to upload a picture of mine.....my interpretation of what it is like to have dissociative tendencies - a visual representation of internal emotions.

For What It's Worth...

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 06:21:00 +0000

I made it through Thanksgiving, and I am surving the LONG job hunt.

My sweetie had another phone interview today (Portland, Oregon) and he has a face-to-face interview tomorrow. Now, that would be nice, for him to get a new job and us NOT have to move. But, we are generally not so lucky.

ENTERPRISE RENT-A-CAR totally MESSED UP our Thanksgiving weekend car rental and I did not get to spend but a couple of hours with my mother. That was a total disappointment. This is the SECOND time that I have had a reservation confirmation code from them and they have NOT had a vehicle available for me at the appointed time.

I will NEVER attempt to rent a car from them ever again. So, if you want to know how I REALLY feel about them, feel free to ask.

The same thing is going on with me and DELL computers. I purchased a new XPS laptop computer from DELL back in June of this year.

I am on my fifth or sixth (YES - 5th or 6th) new unit since the original purchase. And, all of the computer exchanges that I have made have all been for pretty severe hardware issues. DIMMS that were scratched, optical drives not recognized, pointers going crazy and traveling all across the screen for no reason what-so-ever. I could go on and on....but, who really cares. Certainly not DELL, who will lose no money what-so-ever due to the fact that their service department is pretty much a joke.

Oh, and as an XPS owner I am supposed to have my own direct 800 number (for XPS support). Well, I call the XPS 800 number and I give the nice little recording my "express service code" and you know what happens? Every! Single! Time! I am routed to the Inspiron Department. And, although they are very nice about believing that I am a daft woman, they cannot help me as my computer is NOT an Inspiron. So, they are always transferring me to the XPS department.

I had to actually argue with a tech for a half an hour - A FREAKIN' HALF AN HOUR to finally get her to understand that I was not just dialing the phone incorrectly. Like I'm stupid or something. No, just crazily insane with anger, but dialing a phone number is something that I can actually manage.

Finally, today I was able to talk to a supervisor who understood when I started talking about routing systems for incoming callers. Maybe, finally, something MIGHT actually get done about the whole debacle.

I am insane today

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 05:58:00 +0000

Ok, along with the job search comes the insane part of this process called - INTERVIEWING!!!

THIS is why I do not work and play well with others. I would have a full court press melt down during this stage if I were the one having to do the actual interviews.

Oh, and then there is the WAIT!!

I CANNOT STAND THE WAIT!!

Hubby, bless his heart, does the interviews so well. And then there is the wait. Do they want him? Will they call him back? Will the recruiter call him back? Will the recruiter call him again if that particular job doesn't want him, or thinks that he didn't interview particularly well?

Wait!

Wait!!

Wait!!!

It is an insane process. Who thought it was a good idea?

And, he hardly ever gets to meet these people who are interviewing him face-to-face. Nope, he is a tech-head. So, he does tech interviews. They are done over the phone. They are almost always over an hour long. They are grueling. Or, at least they seem so to me.

I can't seem to sleep right now. I can't seem to process information really well, and I'm the one trying to keep up with all the "job search" crap going on.

I'm checking his email, replying via email to recruiters, sending out resumes, fielding phone calls when they come in to the house phone, tying to keep the bad news from him and channel any good news to him as quickly as possible.

I feel like I am juggling about a dozen balls all at once and someone out in the audience is feeding flaming batons into my juggling act. So far I am keeping everything up in the air - but, I feel the crash coming.

I do not think I can keep up this pace much longer - and yet, it is this pace that must be maintained until he has a job. I will take as much of this burden on as I can so he can keep the job he has until he has a new one...I just hope I don't lose it all before we have to make the actual move.

I'm starting to have panic attacks again. I haven't had them in so long - my heart rate was up to 114 the other day during one. Nothing I am doing is working to keep them away. Oh, and to add to the stress, I am working to transfer from one laptop to another because of a warranty replacement. It's a laugh a minute right now.

I'm going back to installing software on the new laptop. And, trying not to go buy ice cream, or go on a buying spree. Either would be detrimental.

Night all,
Whimsical-Annie

And the job hunt is in full swing

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 02:09:00 +0000

Well, we have been living in Illinois for three and a half years now. It's been an alright experience, but one I am ready to move on from already...and, the job hunt is now in full swing.

I think my husband has five recruiters from different parts of the country that he is working with right now. Arizona seems to be a front runner. We have two different recruiters from the Phoenix area working with him. It is always exciting when the recruiters are calling - it always reminds him just how valuable his skills actually are; something that he is so very good at forgetting.

It is, however, a nerve-racking time for me. I am juggling that fine line between getting us packed up too fast and not having us packed on time. I know that we will have at least two weeks notice before the move, as he always gives at least two weeks notice before he leaves a job.

I'm personally cheering for the job in Portland, Oregon. I would love to go back to the Pacific northwest. We were there about five years ago (northern Washington state) and I just loved it there. So, that would really work for me. But, Arizona is really nice too. I've been to the Phoenix area a number of times over the years - and goodness knows I can't get enough of Mexican food. And, the midwest has NOT been a good place to get good Mexican food - at least not when you were spoiled by what was available in central Texas.

I can't wait for the posturing to be over and offer to have been made and accepted. I just want to know where we are going and let's get the moving van packed and us on our way.

So, that is what is occupying my mind right now and it is keeping me from really enjoying my blog. I am working on my photography at DeviantART.com That is coming along fairly well. I have uploaded some of my REALLY old work from when I was in college EONS ago.

If you are at all curious you can see my work at: Whimsical-Lady

I haven't really worked with a camera in 20 years. Well, that was until a few weeks ago and then I went out to the local cemetery and took some photos. I am just starting to work inside the digital world. It is certainly different from film. But, I am working on learning it. To that end, there are some abstract pieces on my site that are from me just fooling around with Photoshop so I can see what the tools are capable of doing - prior to me actually working with photographs.

But, I am getting the pieces together now to do my first photomanipulation. We'll see how it goes. If it is even semi-decent I will post it here.

I'm off for the night. Hope to see y'all here in the future.

Annie

Blessed Samhain

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 08:59:00 +0000

My polictics may not be yours but can't we stop the war anyway??

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 16:43:00 +0000

GO
HERE AND BUY THIS T-SHIRT! THEN, WEAR IT
TO PROVE THAT FREE SPEECH ISN'T QUITE DEAD - YET...

Our Anti-War Shirts are IllegalOur anti-war shirts featuring names of 3,734 fallen U.S. troops have been banned in 5 states (TX, AZ, FL, OK & LA). But we keep selling in every state. We also sell bumper stickers, magnetic bumper stickers, fridge magnets, bike stickers & buttons. COEXIST. Blackwater: We Take Care of People. OBAMA. At Least the War on the Environment is Going Well. KUCINICH. When the Power of Love Overcomes the Love of Power, the World Will Know Peace. EDWARDS. Support our Troops - Bring Them Home. HILLARY

Top 10 Conservative Idiots

Isn't she beautiful - look at those eyes!!

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sat, 27 Oct 2007 02:30:00 +0000

Squaw Courtesy of and copyright by: ERoxfox from DeviantART.com

I really enjoy photographs that have slightly manipulated in a "digital darkroom". It gives them an "other-worldly" look. I think that this photo has had some slight post-production work done to it. Regardless, I really enjoy the look.

read more | digg story

My Review of Wafer-Thin CD/ MP-3 Shelf System

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 20:01:00 +0000

Originally submitted at Brookstone

Enhance your listening pleasure with one of the world’s most advanced, coolest shelf stereo systems.
Compact and attractive, this CD/ MP-3 shelf system features the latest technology and full stereo sound.

Your all in one music system: the Wafer-Thin CD/ MP-3 shelf system.

...

Great sound and wonderful footprint

By Whimsical-Annie from Champaign/Urbana, Illinois on 10/22/2007

Pros: Doesn't Skip, Easy To Set Up, Great Sound, Great night light, Easy Controls

Cons: Sub Woofer hard to place

Best Uses: Larger Rooms, Smaller Rooms, Basic Systems

Describe Yourself: Practical, Tech Savvy, Musically Inclined

I love the system and it fits well on the headboard of my water bed. But, the cords are short (and I'm just too lazy and cheap to buy new - the ones supplied should be enough) and that makes the sub woofer hard to place. I had to move in a side table for its placement. That inconvenience aside, the sound is wonderful, the colored lights at the bottom of the unit make a great night light (an unexpected bonus), and the remote control makes it a breeze to operate.
All-in-all, I would highly recommend this product.

(legalese)

Depression by optiknerve-gr @ DeviantART.com

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sun, 14 Oct 2007 13:25:00 +0000

Courtesy of and copyright by: Optiknerve-gr from DeviantART.com

What is it about FAMILY?

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sat, 13 Oct 2007 05:43:00 +0000

I love my family! Let's just start there. They are the light and joy of my life; they are the bane of my existence. It is the perfect dichotomy - you can't have one without the other. No joy without pain; no pain without reaching the heights of ecstasy.

You will not know what the summit looks like unless you take that first step up the side of that friggin' mountain.

I wax philosophic tonight. But, that's fine, I'm lacking sleep, I'm hungry, I'm irritated with life and my body hurts. All in all, it's going to be a great day. I can just feel in my soul (something my daughter doesn't believe in, I found out today) that life is getting ready to make some drastic changes). I like this time of year - change is on the wind.

I used to really, and I do mean REALLY hate the fall. It brought on the "October Shits." Well, that's what it was so lovingly called in my house. It was a time when I was GUARANTEED to get depressed and crawl inito my "cave" and stay there until the winter thaw. That would be sometime in January. This year, I am actually feeling pretty good and actually looking forward to doing a couple of art projects. That is actually ASTONISHING. I cannot remember the last time I picked up my jewelry making supplies and did ANYTHING of a creative nature. So, stunned is a good word for how I feel about the impules I've been having.

And, that is SO EXCITING. A year ago, this month, I couldn't get out of bed - I was so exhausted. I was in te throes of a TERRIBLE Chronic Fatigue/Fibro episode. It was about six months with almost no time out of bed. The entire episode lasted newrly 18 months.

That is what I have been recovering from recently. I can now actually drive a couple of hours at a time, I can walk a little over 40 minutes. My daughter and I are going to start doing pilates. It is going to be a nice "bonding experience." If I have to beat the Universe into submission...

Well, I'm going to try and get some sleep...I'm in the middle of some insomnia AGAIN. I hate insomnia. And, I'm actually feeling a little tired. So, I'll post this and see if I can't get some sleep.

What it's like to be Borderline

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 04:42:00 +0000

Being Borderline is like being constantly at war, with yourself and everyone in the world. First, you hate yourself for not being able to stop behavior that you know is destructive. It kills you a little bit inside every time the words fly out of your mouth, or that dish flies out of your hand and you think (once you are again capable of rationale thought) - "why the hell didn't I stop myself from doing that?" And, you really know the reason. You've known it since you were in fifth grade and you pushed and pushed and pushed your teacher so much that she finally broke down and turned the classroom over to you and walked out of the room. And you were just in fifth grade!! And you were capable of pushing grown-ups to the edge - and past it!

You knew by then that something was very different about you. But, just what that was, well, that mystified you.

The rage, the terror you felt, the desperation you felt at being left alone. The fear that your family would be taken away from you. The fact that you wanted to do just about anything to not be alone. ANYTHING!!

The Mental Health Community requires, for a DSM diagnosis of BPD that any five out of the following nine listed criteria to be present for a significant period of time:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment such as lying, stealing, temper tantrums, etc. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, overspending, stealing, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights, getting mad over something small).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

At the time I was diagnosed with BPD - I had all nine symptoms - and, had had them for some years. I remember going and seeking help at the local mental health clinic when I was 16. My then boyfriend drove me. The response I got then was classic for the time: "Your father has a good job, you have a roof over your head and food and clothes, why do you think you have problems?"

That was literally what I was asked. How do you respond to a system that doesn't recognize mental illness in children. Then, it wasn't legal to diagnose children with Bipolar disorder (which I also have). It was a blessing when the mentality finally changed about THAT. Children can, and do, have mental health issues. In fact, if society can bring itself to assist children at as early as possible, maybe fewer people will have to live the life that I have had to struggle through.

Wouldn't THAT be a blessing?

Again, a view from the "experts"...

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone, or perceived failure. Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

The negative emotional states particularly associated with BPD have been grouped into four categories: extreme feelings in general; feelings of destructiveness or self-destructiveness; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, unsafe sex, gambling, and recklessness in general. Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend towards insecure, ambivalent, preoccupied or fearful attitudes towards relationships. They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.

I can bring it down to a much more personal and telling scenario...I'm out of town as I type this. My husband and daughter are at home. At 11:20 p.m. my daughter called me (she was lonely as her father had come home from work and gone straight to bed). He still had not woken up yet. It explained why he hadn't answered his phone when I called. So, I chatted with her for a time. Understand, I was looking forward to talking to him and I had some specific things I wanted to talk to him about. My day had gone well (my drive had been good, lunch with my friends was fun, I had picked up the charger for my cell phone, etc.). So, after talking with my daughter for about 15-20 minutes I had her go knock on his door, and , sure enough, he was awake and reading. I had her hand him the phone so I could talk with him.

And then, just like that, like flipping on a light switch, I was so pissed at him I couldn't think straight. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be married to him. I wanted to tell him to just go soak his head in the toilet and sod off...and it happened faster than taking my next breath. And, for the life of me, I couldn't begin to explain to you exactly why it happened.

Oh, I have some pretty good theories. I had wanted him to care enough about me to call me when he got home from work. I had wanted him to miss me enough to call me when he woke up from his "nap". I took it that he didn't care about me AT ALL since he hadn't done either. Well, if he didn't care about me, I certainly didn't want him to leave me first, always go on the offensive - so I attack (go away, go away, go away, come here, come here, come here).

Isn't my brain twisted?

It's what it's like to be Borderline.

Pink has a wonderful song out: Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely

The Lyrics are SO perfect to describe what it is like to be Borderline. I'll post them.

"Go Away (I'm Lonely)
by Pink

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I love you so
Much more when you're not here
Watchin all the bad shows
Drinking all of my beer

I don't believe Adam and Eve
Spent every goddamn day together
If you give me some room there will be room enough for two

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

I don't wanna wake up with another
But I don't wanna always wake up with you either
No you can't hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***kin' hour
You taste so sweet
But I can't eat the same thing every day
Cuttin off the phone
Leave me the ***k alone
Tomorrow I'll be beggin' you to come home

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
Why can't I just have it both ways
Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away
Come back

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
I'm tired
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely tonight

Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
I'm tired
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I'm lonely
Alone I'm lonely
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you
Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you

[ www.azlyrics.com ]

A Partial List of Eternal Truths

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 11:29:00 +0000

By Sheldon Kopp

1. This is it!
2. There are no hidden meanings.
3. You can�t get there from here, and besides there's no place else to go.
4. Nothing lasts!
5. There is no way of getting all you want.
6. You can�t have anything unless you let go of it.
7. You only get to keep what you give away.
8. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things.
9. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune.
10. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless.
11. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning.
12. You don't really control anything.
13. You can�t make anyone love you.
14. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else.
15. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable.
16. There are no great men/women.
17. If you have a hero, look again; you have diminished yourself in some way.
18. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it.
19. Childhood is a nightmare.
20. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own, 'take care of yourself because there is no one else to do it for you' grown-up.
21. Love is not enough, but it sure helps.
22. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that�s all there is.
23. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it.
24. We are responsible for everything we do.
25. No excuses will be accepted.
26. You can run, but you can�t hide.
27. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness.
28. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself.
29. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences.
30. What do you know - for sure - anyway?
31. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again
32. And again and again.

Faces

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 00:42:00 +0000

These are the faces of people from around the world. I hope that you enjoy taking a look at them.

Psychiatry as Pseudo-Science

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:34:00 +0000

I have a blog on StumbleUpon.com It is real easy to get to, just go to: jazzway.stumbleupon.com I have had it for a year or so and it is mostly about political and social activism. However, one of the things that I did over at SU was start a group on mental illness. It has about 75 members now.

Yesterday, I dropped in on the group to see what was happening. Someone had posted a link to a site where they talked about Psychiatry as a Pseudo-Science. Now, I had heard about this before and sort of pooh-poohed it. I mean, really now. There are so many "studies" out there and the "science" exists that tells us what mental illness is - right? So, at the time, I ignored the information. Yesterday, I went and read...

Here is the URL... http://www.cchr.org/index.cfm/7352

I have to admit that I am more than a little, not shocked by the information, as I am on the verge of angry that I have spent so many years in and out of the "mental health system."

On the one hand, there is something very different about the way I respond to everyday situatiuons compared to the way other people respond to them. In the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), this is called Borderline Personality Disorder. From the Nation Institute for Mental Health:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

So, here is this not so nice, not so neat definition of a lifestyle dysfunction - what do I do with that?

Pagan Wheel Of The Year

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 01:39:00 +0000

PaganWheeloftheYearSticker evolvefish com, originally uploaded by jazzway.

This Picture is originally from EvolveFish.com Stolen with impunity!

The Pagan Wheel of the Year. A marvelous image. One that shows the major holidays, or Sabbats. These Sabbats are:

Samhain - Last Harvest/Feast of the Dead (Oct. 31/Nov.1)

Yule - Midwinter Feast (Winter Solstice Dec. 19 - 23)

Imbolc - Brigid's Day/Candlemas (Feb. 1-2)

Ostara - Festival of the Trees/Lady Day (Spring equinox March 20 - 23)

Beltane - May Day/Beltane ( May 1)

Midsummer Feast - Mother Night (Summer solstice (June 19 - 23)

Lughnasadh - Lammas/First Harvest (Aug. 1-2)

Mabon - Fruit Harvest/Second Harvest (Autumn equinox Sept. 19 - 23)

The word "sabbat" itself derives from the same roots as Sabbath (Christian) and Sabbath (witchcraft), namely Old English sabat, Old French sabbat, Latin sabbatum, Greek sabbaton (or sa'baton), and Hebrew shabbat, which means "to cease or rest".

Most of the holidays of the Wheel of the Year are named after Pre-Christian Celtic and Pre-Christian Germanic religious festivals. However, a great deal of liberty has usually been taken with the forms and meanings of these festivals, due to the influence of turn of the century romanticism as well as the eclectic elements introduced by Wicca. The similarities between these holidays generally end at the shared names, as Wicca makes no effort to reconstruct these ancient practices. Wiccans observe the festivals of the Wheel of the Year together in a form of universalism not corroborated by any historical continuity.

There is no place in Europe where all eight festivals have been observed as a set, and the complete eightfold Wheel of the Year was unknown prior to modern Wicca. In early forms of Wicca only the cross-quarter days were observed.

Among Wiccans, the most common Wheel of the Year narrative is that of the God/Goddess duality. In this cycle, the God is born from the Goddess at Yule, grows in power at Vernal Equinox (along with the Goddess who has now returned to her maiden aspect), courts and impregnates the Goddess at Beltane, wanes in power at Lammas, passes into the underworld at Samhain, then is once again born from Her mother/crone aspect at Yule. The Goddess, in turn, ages and rejuvenates endlessly with the seasons, being courted by and giving birth to the Horned God. Versions of this myth vary from coven to coven, shifting the birth, conception, or death of the God to different sabbats.

Another, more solar, narrative is of the Holly King and the Oak King, with one ruling the winter, the other the summer. These two figures battle with each other endlessly as the seasons turn. At Midsummer the Oak King is at the height of his strength, while the Holly King is at his weakest. The Holly King begins to regain his power, and at the Autumn Equinox, the tables finally turn in the Holly King's favor; he vanquishes the Oak King at Yule. Then over the next months, as the sun waxes in power, the Oak King slowly regains his strength; at the Spring Equinox he begins to triumph until he once again defeats the Holly King at Midsummer.

Information taken from Wikipedia entry on: Wheel of the Year

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 23:42:00 +0000

Flower-Bed by ChrissieCool

I am always looking for wonderful art to go on my blog. And, crediting the artist is SO very important to me. Most of my art, therefore, comes from DeviantART.com
I really believe in supporting the artists there. This goes with a story on the Top Ten Ways Your Body Can Betray You In Bed.
Enjoy

©2007 *ChrissieCool

read more | digg story

Halo 3 - Now I'm competing with a game

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 07:26:00 +0000

I knew it was coming. The advertisements have been keeping me apprised of the impending date, and now it is here. Midnight has come, and gone, and my husband and daughter both have a copy of Halo 3.

For the next two days I will be just an accessory in the house. A fixture that might be talked into fixing a meal. I say might as I'm still not feeling all that well myself. My depression is abating somewhat, but I am still not out of my nightgown, and, to be honest, I can't remember the last time I showered. Although, I am hoping to do so before I crawl into my bed for the morning.

Between the two of them they spent a little over $350 on two games (and the required collector's paraphernalia). And yet, I didn't purchase myself a digital camera, I'm not getting my oral surgery done for my dental implants. I am living without my upper teeth.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE????

I certainly don't understand. I would like to understand. I wish that I could understand. I would like to be calm, patient, compassionate, etc. And yet, I find that all I really am is pissed off and more angry than I can really explain.

I know that I am a diminished person in the household. I know that I am not given the respect and consideration that I feel I am due in the household. Case in point - I collected MAGIC THE GATHERING cards for years. They are not worth a lot of money, not as much as a couple of years ago, but they are worth some money. My husband was going to sort and sell them for me two years ago. Nothing! And, it had been his idea!

Now that we cannot afford my implants he got my cards out and wants our daughter to catalog them. He can't be bothered anymore. Sunday he was going to go to our storage unit to find the cards that are missing. Did he? Of course not. That would have been doing something for me! So, now I have these boxes of cards sitting by my chair and I, of course, am going to be responsible for cataloging them and getting them sold. Which, in the long run I don't mind doing...it's just that I am really disappointed that once again a promise was broken to me.

I'm so tired of broken promises. It's hard for little children to live with them, but it is also difficult for adults. Me, I lose more and more respect for him each time he breaks a promise. There's just not enough good sex in the world to make up for a shattered trust.

Depression by optiknerve-gr @ DeviantART.com

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 03:12:00 +0000

Days of Depression Do Pass - Just Be Patient

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 01:30:00 +0000

There really is nothing worse than waking up in the morning and realizing that you are going to spend the day being depressed.

So, I love my daughter, she suggested that we go get our hair cut today. So, we did. She got a lovely haircut from the woman who cut her hair, and I, of course, got crap. thankfully my hair is very long and all I did was get my hair trimmed. So, given a couple of months and it will be grown back out.

Then this early evening I got a cut on the inside of my mouth. So, here I am, blood in my mouth feeling just terrible and knowing that I will never be able to eat dinner. My day was just terrible.

So, what can I do to make tomorrow a better day? That's a really good question, and one that I wish I had a ready answer to.

I want to be able to clean my house and cook the evening meal. Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and constant pain have been the constant hounds from hell that have taken over my body.

Cycling on Guaifenesin

noreply@blogger.com (Whimsy) — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 00:00:00 +0000

One of the most difficult things to learn about while taking Guaifenesin has been cycling. It is a difficult concept to grasp in the beginning, to be sure. On the one hand, you come to Guaifenesin for your Fibromyalgia symptoms because nothing else has worked. On the other hand, you aren't ready for the cure to be worse than the disorder. And, for a short period of time it certanly feels that way.

First, Let's define cycling.

You take a specified dose of guaifenesin (which you arrived at through titration) twice a day. When you "cycle" you are forcing the phosphates out of the muscle tissue that have built up over time. The build-up of phosphates has caused pressure on the muscle tissue themselves as well as pressure on the nerves from water build-up. Also a by-product of the phosphates.