BetterBehaviourSolutions

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART SIX – THE PASSIVE RESISTER

2010-03-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART SIX – THE PASSIVE RESISTER

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are: Manipulators

Negotiators

Debaters

Competitors

Dare Devils

Passive Resisters

The Passive Resistor (Mahatma Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi): is usually vague, secretive and disorganised, they tend to move through life slowly. They tend to be unaware of things ie ‘why didn’t you do your homework?’ they would reply ‘what homework?’ They have a tendency to infuriate and drive their parents mad.

Passive resisters are often very bright and very sensitive and can retreat and avoid life in order to avoid failure, and like competitors don’t care much for consequences. They tend to have a style of learned ‘helplessness’ which is passive and appear to hope that all will go away. They appear calm on the outside and often retreat from life and become very private about their thoughts and feelings. They often lose possessions and appear not to listen of take in information. These kids are minimalists in both action and verbal conversations, often with one word answers.

What does not work for these kids is yelling, insisting, pleading, trying to be a motivational coach or guessing what they are thinking. However, frequently an increase in responsibility brings about desire change.

The best way to influence these kids is to build a positive relationship. During this relationship building phase look directly at them when talking to them and do not accept shrugs and one word answers. Basically you need to think of decreasing pressure and increasing presence. They need to know that it is not an option to avoid some family interaction. Look for opportunities to their confidence and competence by caring for others or pets.

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART FIVE – THE DARE DEVIL

2010-02-26T21:41:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART FIVE – THE DARE DEVIL

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are: Manipulators

Negotiators

Debaters

Competitors

Dare Devils

Passive Resisters

Owner%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List">The Dare Devil (Steve Irwin, Evel Knievel, Harry Houdini): is the child always reporting to the lost counter t the local show. Parenting these kids is like being involved in an extreme sport.

These kids are high attention-seekers and they just love a challenge, especially with thrills and excitement. They often excel in careers such as emergency service workers, fire-fighters, police officers or stunt performers. Unfortunately they are not great forward planners.

They are often very sweet natured and have no intent on causing concern or worry and in fact as they have little to no fear they it is rare that the thought you may be alarmed never enters their head. It fact the love these kids have for intensity means they often do not think things though.

As we are not going to be able to wean these kids away from their thrills and spills we need to find more positive forms of risk taking such as motocross, paintball, camping etc.

Again in conflict situations it is beneficial to remove conflict away from the audience as these kids have a reputation t uphold and maintain. These kids are very optimistic and so often overestimate their own abilities. To combat this we need to assist them to think things through and develop effective sequencing by asking lots of questions when they are planning something.

Although this can be like pulling teeth, it does help prepare them for the risks they are about to undertake. In addition some relaxation, visualisation and mental imagery coupled with concentration exercises will assist them to become more focused

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART FOUR – THE COMPETITOR

2010-02-22T21:29:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART FOUR – THE COMPETITOR

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are: Manipulators

Negotiators

Debaters

Competitors

Dare Devils

Passive Resisters

The Competitor (Lance Armstrong, Winston Churchill): has an incredible spirit, and can conquer the world. These kids like to boast, and do not handle losing well. They are best summarised by ‘second place is first of the losers’. When faced with conflict they build a fortress for their stance.

Competitors are defiant to the extreme, and need to win at all cost. They are happy to cut off their nose to spite their face. They are often sponges to attention and will often do anything to avoid losing face.

When dealing with a competitor it is important to firstly realise that consequences hold little fear and make little difference to them. If you ground them, they will say fine ground me I’m happy in my room.

Again these kids love an audience and so never enter into conflict with a competitor in the presence of an audience as you will loose. Competitors respond best when parents challenge them, however be careful not to directly ‘bet’ your child. Use third person challenges such as “not many people would believe that you could…..” or “not many people would believe you were responsible enough to…..”

Do not compare their performance to others but rather to their past performances. One oversight often seen with these kids is that because winning comes so naturally t these kids we can overlook the fact that they are not good at just playing games. Look fr opportunities to involve them in activities that are not competitive, there is no winner or loser, such as theatre sports or drama. Competitors are usually good at taking responsibility and it is important to ensure that they have a few age appropriate areas of responsibility in order to assist their development.

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART THREE – THE DEBATER

2010-02-18T23:17:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART THREE – THE DEBATER

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are: Manipulators

Negotiators

Debaters

Competitors

Dare Devils

Passive Resisters

The Debater (Margaret Thatcher, Jerry Springer, JFK): are characterised by the ‘what about me’ syndrome, they want to hold everyone else accountable. They have an overdeveloped sense of justice, fairness and balance of right and wrong. They are very determined and verbal kids and this is a deadly combination.

Debaters are energetic and driven for their cause. Unfortunately they need to learn a variety of sills for social interaction and often are not tuned into their own emotions. They can often suffer from a sense of insecurity as to whether they are good enough or loveable enough.

As Debaters are very verbal children that can tie you up in conversation and never-ending debate particularly relating to the fairness or unfairness of a situation it is important that you commit to not debating them foe long periods of time. Instead respond with affection. Deal with their hurt feelings and offer understanding rather than pity, and place importance on setting up situations and opportunities where they can experience success.

Finally, set up a special time each week for these kids with a definite start and finish where they know that the time belongs to them and they will not have to struggle and complain to maintain your attention. They are on a basic level ‘attention seekers’.

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART TWO – THE NEGOTIATOR

2010-02-14T23:05:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART TWO – THE NEGOTIATOR

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are: Manipulators

Negotiators

Debaters

Competitors

Dare Devils

Passive Resisters

The Negotiator (Bart Simpson, Dennis the Menace): these kids are really switched on; they are the wheelers and dealers of the world. They are very street smart, and can engage people with their humour, which enables most people to basically like them.

Negotiators are cunning and funny and attempt to control by resisting directions and requests, whist engaging people through being the pranksters and jokester, and unfortunately appear to not know when enough is enough. They avoid areas of possible failure by distraction

There is one Golden rule when dealing with negotiators and that is to pick your battles; Negotiators will

always have more energy to put into a battle than any parent. Be very careful not to allow times where you show affection for your child to become time for them to negotiate.

As negotiators love an audience, do your negotiating with them away form the audience. Make sure you have an immovable and clear bottom line before you negotiate. Don’t fight or give into a negotiator, and in times of conflict, step back and calm down, it is not your aim for them to submit to your will but to have them develop integrity and consideration for others.

Negotiators are often impressed by rewards and a small prize can often be more effective than praise, especially if they believe that they have beaten the odds to achieve it. Use tangible rewards such as free time, and stickers rather than praise alone.

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS PART ONE – THE MANIPULATOR

2010-02-10T22:52:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

THE SIX (6) TYPES OF CHALLENGING KIDS

PART ONE – THE MANIPULATOR

There are six easily identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviour fit into according to Clinical Psychologist Andrew Fuller.

They are: Manipulators

Negotiators

Debaters

Competitors

Dare Devils

Passive Resisters

The Manipulator (Henry Kissinger, Angelica - Rugrats): these are kids who have the ability to wrap people, especially adults, around their little finger, and they often dominate and control other people. Manipulators can often become Bullies and then turn to playing ‘cute’ when adults are around. They are single minded and like to take charge and tell people what to do. They often have successful careers in business and high level corporate life.

Manipulators are excellent at adapting their behaviour to suit their environment and so their behaviours can vary significantly in different settings. They know how to push buttons to get their way, and when they fall out it is usually in a big way. They not only need to be the centre of attention but they have a driven desire to be the best at any cost. Their motto can be summed up in ‘the end justifies the means’ and will often lie and bring down others in order to win.

The best way to begin to change a manipulator into a reciprocator is to increase your surveillance, get them to come along with you on outings such as shopping and small errands. They may protest, but persevere as these kids need to basically be over-parented. Best results are achieved when they are not left to their own devises but are always being included or accompanied by an adult, or have an adult always keeping an eye on them.

How Body Chemistry Affects Mood

2010-02-08T02:07:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

How Body Chemistry Affects Mood

We all get into moods. Children and especially adolescent teenagers are experts at using moods to get what they want. Interestingly their mood can change almost instantly once their need has been met or satisfied.

Research has shown that our body chemistry (the chemicals released by our body) has a significant influence upon our moods and therefore our behaviour. In fact it is unlikely that we can change our behaviour without initially changing our mood.

The brain is by far nature’s best pharmacy and is constantly influencing the release of chemicals within our body. Of particular interest to parents of children with challenging behaviours are the four chemicals that specifically influence our moods, being; adrenaline (the action drug; our fight or flight drug, not known for reasoned decisions), Cortisol (the stress drug), Dopamine (the switched on party drug) and Serotonin (the body’s own antidepressant). For parents of children with challenging behaviours the lowering of levels of both adrenaline and cortisol couples with an increase in levels of Dopamine and Serotonin can assist in the managing and changing challenging behaviour.

Excess levels of Adrenaline are associated with silly ‘hypo’ behaviour, high levels of restlessness, difficulty going to sleep, difficulty shifting attention and appearing busy without actually achieving anything (all revved up and no where to go). Excess levels of the hormone Coritsol (which is released with Adrenaline) is indicated a lowering of language functioning (difficulty expressing one’s self), a non specific sense of worry and being on edge, being overly defensive or frequently over reacting and having difficulty in organising and prioritizing.

Increasing the levels of Dopamine and Serotonin can assist in managing and influencing challenging behaviours. Dopamine creates a switched on pumped up state associated with pleasure and motivation. Dopamine levels change throughout our development and its levels, not surprisingly, are low in adolescent teenagers. Dopamine is our naturally produced mood changing drug. Low levels of Dopamine are associated with difficulty focusing on things, a lack of motivation, lethargy and tiredness, and a general lack of interest in things.

Serotonin is the body’s natural antidepressant, and creates a slow high that is essential for calm and considered decision making. Evidence of low levels of Serotonin are a child who is uncommunicative, slow to get going in the morning, who sees everything as a chore, and demonstrates a reluctance to join in activities.

In order to decrease the levels of Adrenaline and increase the levels of Dopamine it is important to have the child participate in enjoyable activities or challenging games, whilst develop and maintain routines, be well organised and provide clear and concise directions.

To increase the levels of Serotonin and decrease the levels of Cortisol, parents can praise their child regularly and take pride in their achievements, be affectionate, speak calmly (don’t yell), play relaxing music, play games and get them involved in activities. Watch their diet for excessive sugar etc, encourage then to drink more water and ensure they are getting enough sleep.

Punishment and Consequence. What’s the Difference?

2010-02-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

Punishment and Consequence. What’s the Difference?

When dealing with influencing any person’s behaviour, it is not uncommon to comes across what I term the ‘versus’ factor. That is two opposing points of view. For example; Encouragement vs Praise, Logical Consequence vs Punishment, Consistency vs Equality, or Cooperation vs Competition.

Each of these raises their head from time to time and need to be dealt with. So let’s focus on probably the most common one that people get into trouble with. The reason for this is that it tends to be human nature to seek revenge or retribution for any indiscretion. Let’s look at Logical Consequence as opposed to Punishment.

Firstly lets define the two so as we have a clear perspective of each. Specifically when looking at influencing inappropriate behaviour the term ‘punishment’ refers to any consequence that decreases the likelihood that a particular or specific behaviour will be repeated. It does not necessarily mean the administering of unpleasant or undesirable consequences, though this is by far the most popular definition and use of the term according to teachers and parents.

Punishment in its aversive form is frequently arbitrary, having no logical connection with the inappropriate behaviour that triggered its application. Teachers are of particular note here if punishments that in no way logical and are purely arbitrary i.e. Jonathan calls out in class and is made to stay in at lunchtime; Sam fails to hand in his homework and has to pick up papers in the playground at morning tea.

The focus of punishment is on retribution, getting even by making the student suffer for their sins, and the choice of punishments is often at the discretion of the teacher and therefore can be highly subjective and emotive. Within the educational environment the role of punishment is thus limited to teaching the student that the teacher has all the power, and compliance is the best way of avoiding pain and suffering. This was the rationale behind the cane, the smack, the belt and other forms of corporal punishment, and is still the rationale behind the issuing of lines (“Write out 200 times ‘I will not chew in class’”), paper duty (“Pick up 50 papers for me”), detention and loss of ‘fun’ activities such as sport (“You waste my time and I’ll waste yours”).

Parents need to be aware of the same downfalls when attempting to influence their child’s behaviour. Punishment in its aversive form can be physically and emotionally damaging to children and can also be damaging to our relationship with them. Punishment creates the possibility of children developing fear or resentment towards the person who is supposed to be supporting and caring for them. They may view the punisher as a bully, and hypocritical based on the mixed messages that they send “You must respect others”; “Hitting is bad”.

However, Logical Consequences are actions taken in response to behaviour, that are designed to stop the behaviour in the current situation, repair any damage done to the relationships with those involved, and prevent the offender from re-offending in the future. The focus is on restitution and rehabilitation. Logical consequences have a ‘cause-effect’ relationship with the triggering behaviour, whether that behaviour is appropriate or inappropriate.

Unlike punishment, logical consequences can also be positive. The ‘cause-effect’ relationship is structured carefully to ensure that, unlike natural consequences, the impact is as immediate as possible and does not endanger student welfare. Within a school or classroom environment a teacher may use logical consequences such as “Brian, if you keep swinging on your chair, I will have to ask you to take your work and sit on the carpet”: “Keith, if you tease Susan again you will be moved to the desk in the corner”. A key to logical consequences is that they usually involve prior warning and the offering of choice, which is respectful and promotes self-responsibility for behaviour i.e.” John, you can do your Maths now, or you can do it in your own time at morning tea. I’ll be back in a minute to see what your decision is”.

Logical consequences are clearly established and agreed when setting rules or expectations for appropriate behaviour. The logical nature of the consequences means that they can be delivered non-emotively and, when received help to focus attention on the behaviour triggering the consequence rather than any perceived power of the person imposing them. The consequence should be fair, immediate, and clearly defined in terms of where, when, how and why, aimed at avoiding any form of physical or emotional impact on the student. The fairness and non-emotive delivery of logical consequences help to maintain positive relationships . Unlike punishments, which are often generic, the magnitude of the logical consequence matches the magnitude of the behaviour offence, and there is always an attainable endpoint.

Consequence vs Punishment example for schools

Offence Punishment Logical Consequence

Calling Out Lunchtime detention 5 minute ‘No contribution’ rule applied

Failure to do homework Miss sport to complete Negotiate how/when to be completed

Bullying (teasing) 1 week playground withdrawal Mediation/Apology to victim

Dropping Litter Pick up 20 pieces of paper Pick up the litter that was dropped

Backchat Lunchtime detention/ 1 minute discussion/Private Public apology apology

One final note on logical consequences. Always favour the certainty of the consequence over the magnitude or even the immediacy of the consequence. Once a child has overstepped the mark and earned themselves an enforced consequence, you must follow-through with this, and preferably as soon as possible. If it involves any type of withdrawal from the setting, or loss of personal time, then make this a finite and short time.

Primary and Secondary Behaviour!! What's the Difference?

2010-02-03T13:49:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

Primary and Secondary Behaviour.

What’s the difference? And Why is it Important?

When addressing inappropriate behaviour it is not uncommon be side tracked by the child’s associated behaviours which mat also be of cause for concern. However, it is essential if we are to positively influence our child’s behaviour to remain for the moment on the inappropriate behaviour that first caught our attention.

The corresponding behaviour or following behaviour once challenged is known as ‘secondary behaviour’, and is designed by the child to throw us off the track of what we were initially addressing and so, when we address the secondary and some times tertiary behaviour the initial primary behaviour of concern never gets addressed leading to continued occurrences of that specific behaviour.

Let’s take a look at a common household event. Your child comes home and just drops their ‘stuff’ on the floor; you ask them to pick it up and out it where it belongs. Almost instantaneously the child flies into a verbal assault and blames you for everything that’s wrong with their world. Sound familiar?

Now you are distracted to deal with the rudeness of their outburst or even worst attempt to console and comfort them, in order to determine what has upset the and how you can ‘make it better’. STOP! What has just happened here? What was the initial behaviour of concern? Has it been dealt with? If not, when? Let me tell you it not now in will not be dealt with until next time and what has the child leaned. The child has learnt that they can distract you and never really have to face the issue.

When focusing on the primary behaviour, it is important to remember to remain claim and as unemotional as possible. It is better to remove yourself and deal with the problem when you have control than to allow the child to influence your emotional state to a point that you begin to rant and rave at them. For one thing what are you modelling to them – lack of control?

Child Learn What They Live

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=diUB7OGRJ8E

IMPORTANT POINT: If your child is well rehearsed in the inappropriate behaviour it may well be to your benefit to begin with those behaviours that are small enough for you to experience some success rather than take one those well rehearsed behaviours that they are far to well practiced at. You need to experience success and gain some wins first.

The Sources of Inappropriate Behaviour

2010-01-29T22:16:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

The Sources of Inappropriate Behaviour

Very simply when looking at behaviour, and in particular inappropriate behaviour we can identify 5 specific sources that are responsible for this beahviour. These five sources are Medical (medical factors), Emotional, Environmental, Organisational and Relationship. Unfortunately when attempting to address inappropriate behaviour most of us are extremely unskilled and even those with some training are really only equipped to address two of these sources, that being organisational and relationship sources, although it is possible for parents to influence the environmental/socio-economical or cultural source.

Generally teachers and parents are not equipped to diagnose medical conditions that may contribute to inappropriate behaviour, however they can assist in identifying traits of the behaviour that directly assist in its diagnosis. Even for those parents who are medical practitioners it is suggested that they obtain further medical assistance so as to remove the emotional affects that can influence proper and full diagnosis.

Parents and teachers who commonly need t deal with childhood inappropriate behaviour are also lacking in the time and counselling skill required to address the emotional sources. This sources is often linked to Environmental sources particularly socio-economic and cultural.

Focusing upon ‘untouchable’ factors such as these amounts to a fruitless waste of time and energy. However, focus on the physical organisation (for teachers - the classroom, method of curriculum presentation, use of resources, class routines and procedures) and routines parents can begin to address and make progress towards influencing the child's behaviour. When looking at relationships (within the classroom student-student, teacher-student) and for parents within the family (supportive). Effort needs to be expended in planning for these latter factors as not only can they directly influence and control behaviour but they are also the sources we can control and influence. In addition, by doing so, we can have an indirect influence on the former three factors.

These sources are only part of the problem as for any behaviour issue there are two problems involved. One is that of the source mentioned earlier and the other is that of the actual behaviour problem. We need to be specific and acknowledge that he student actual owns the first, however we need to address both as we are the person who most desires behavioural change. 

When a child behaves inappropriately, there is some motivating factor involved, stemming from one or more of the five source problems previously mentioned.  As this Source Problem is internal to the child themselves, they are the owner of it.  Ultimately, however, it will fall upon the parent/teacher to initiate some response to the Source Problem, as the child will either lack the skills or the desire to address the problem.  For the child’s behaviour to be deemed inappropriate, someone has made a judgement call regarding the behaviour in the first place.  When such a call is made, a Behaviour Problem comes into being.  No judgement call, no behaviour problem.  The ‘judge’, is generally the parent/teacher, and as the ‘keeper’ of the internal set of standards used to make the call, the parent/teacher is the owner of the behaviour problem, and is responsible for initiating some action to overcome the problem.

So it is important to realise what we can influence and control in respect to the behaviour of someone else. It is only through directing our strategies and methods at these sources can we make progress, whilst obtaining assistance from those trained in the other sources if that is what is identified.

What is Needed in Order to Change Behaviour? - Leverage!

2010-01-27T22:16:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

This is perhaps the most important aspects or issue in any behaviour changing strategy. It has been common;y stated that in order to change/learn anything we must first of all want to change. The problem if just wanting to change is that there is no ongoing force to ensure we follow through, most of the time its just a nice idea. Remember we all continue to exhibit behaviours because they work for us (get us what we need or want).

So in order to influence change in the behaviour of our children we first of all must get some leverage, so that we have an ongoing 'force'. Lets take a quick look at leverage. What is it? ok, lets look at an extreme case to demonstrate the point. Take a mother who is scared of heights, and although it is nice to think that she could go skydiving, or mountain climbing or even clean the gutters of her house, they are all just nice ideas, there is no real reason for her to do any of these things in order to make her life enjoyable and secure (basic needs - happy).

So in order to create leverage and a reason to overcome her phobia,we could discuss the consequences of her son being caught on a ledge or roof and unable to get down with no support around to help her. Does she now have leverage, a have to reason to face and overcome her fears.

To equate this to behaviour, we need to remember that since the behaviour actually works for and benefits the person exhibiting the behaviour it is unlikely to change unless the specific behaviour ceases to be effective. So initially it is a simple thing to commence to create leverage, simply change your reaction to the behaviour.

Unfortunately, this is where most people fail, as the exhibitor of behaviour (due to continued success), initially escalates their behaviour in order to meet their needs (yell, get louder, more physical etc), and in order to change their behaviour we must not give in. By doing so we continue to reinfoirce that the behaviour is effective in getting their needs met.

So it is important to follow through, be patient and persevere with your new reactions and strategies particularity to the point where the exhibitor of the behaviour in question begins to realise that they need a new strategy because their usual well rehearsed strategy now fails to be successful for them. It is then that we can begin to teach a new behaviour that we will react to favourably and that meets everyone's needs.

Why Are They so Good at Their Bad Behaviour

2010-01-21T18:19:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

Let's revise; remember that all behaviour is needs driven and therefore is aimed at meeting the needs of the person carrying out the behaviour. In addition to this, successful behaviours are generally repeated and therefore we get very good at these behaviours, we repeat and practice them as they continue to produce the desired results for us. In other words we become very well rehearsed.

Think about it, or better still, next time your child throws a tantrum or exhibits one of their common inappropriate behaviours, observe, and you will notice that they run a very well rehearsed pattern each and very time, time after time. Why would they change? They get what they need or want? they have no need to change and will not until the behaviour fails to produce the desired results.

* Warning, when you change your reaction to the behaviour, expect an escalation of that specific behaviour in the immediate future as it has always been successful, so an increase in intensity (in the mind of the person exhibiting the behaviour) should produce results and overcome your resistance.

Let highlight Principle Three: Behaviour is a skill, it is taught, learnt and practiced.

The method to interrupt these well rehearsed behaviour patterns can be likened to placing a scratch in an old vinyl record, once scratched it can not play the full track without interruption. This is the idea of changing your reaction to the behaviour, it interrupts the person well rehearsed pattern and make them take stock and reassess, they do not have an immediate answer for your reaction because it is new an not part of their pattern (not previously dealt with and practiced).

Here's and example:
I once advised a mother on how to handle her son's outbursts and tantrums, by getting her to say "that's a silly shirt to wear with those pajamas", initially she thought I was insane as the statement had nothing to do with what his tantrum were usually about, but I encouraged her to give it a try. You see the more out there your reaction the more of a distraction from their pattern they will experience. The next day the mother found me and with great excitement stated "he stopped dead, he looked like he was lost for words", of course he did, the reaction he got was not something he was prepared for.

Remember Principle One is about changing and controlling your behaviour and reactions, in order to influence their behaviour.

Try it. Observe and note their normal pattern, and then prepared and rehearse your reaction either verbal or physical (do a little dance), remember you are trying to distract them, and if it can be with some fun and humour all the better. (Try to bring a smile to their face - that's the challenge).

What Drives Our Behaviour

2010-01-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort at any given time and situation with the skills we have to obtain what we want"

The behaviours we exhibit assist us to navigate the world and social environment we live in. This goes some way to explaining why we all do not exhibit the same behaviours even when on the surface we are faced with a similar situation. This is because we all have differing perceptions, backgrounds and living in environments and therefore have developed differing behavioural skill sets.

Remembering that in order to influence the behaviours of others we must first assess and change our own approach and reactions. This was Principle One.

Principle Two directly relates to meeting our personal and human needs.

Principle Two: All behaviour is needs driven.

Our behaviours are our tools to get what we want. So in looking at influencing another person behaviour we must first identify what need they are satisfying by continuing to exhibit any particular behaviour.

Remember the person exhibiting the behaviour (that in our mind is inappropriate) does not necessarily have a problem as they are successfully satisfying one or a number of their needs. Now this does not always appear on the surface to be logical. Let me explain with this example.

Have you ever wondered how some people can stay in continually violent relationships? Is it because they have no where to go? Maybe. Do they often say "it's ok, he loves we really". Here's the kicker, they stay because of two reasons, one - fear of the unknown (this I will explain later), and two this is the expression of love they have grown used to and sometimes they do not know anything different as their childhood was exactly the same.

What need is being met? A number really. Of the six basic human needs (Certainty, uncertainty (variety), Significance, Contribution, Belonging, and Influence) there is argument for a number appearing to be met; Certainty, uncertainty, are two major ones of significance, as well as a feeling to Significance (importance).

So we can appreciate that all pour behaviour is aimed at meeting one or a number of these basic human needs. Now lets think about the behaviour example given in my previous blog (the young lad who failed to place his dirty washing in the basket) behaviour and attempt to identify the basic needs that are being met.

By continually having his mother pick up after him he could be seen to be gaining a degree of significance as he is able to influence his mother and play on her need to keep a tidy house. If his mother continues to clean up after him he may feel loved and especially if he is always presented with clean and presses clothes to wear. His view could be 'see mum cares because she always washes and irons for me'. His need for certainty is being met because it is certain that Mum will do it.

So you can see he has no real need to change his behaviour.

We can simplify the human needs into one statement: the need to avoid pain and gain pleasure. All human behaviour can be summarised into these two driving forces, and they are the two simple reasons why people do anything.

Let look at our young man, he avoids the pain of taking the responsibility of cleaning up after himself and gains some pleasure out of doing what he wishes. There is a basic law "we will do more to avoid pain than we will to gain pleasure".

So when attempting to influence another person behaviour we need to identify what need is being met by their present behaviour and also what pain or pleasure is involved for the individual.

What's Wrong with My Child

2010-01-19T00:43:00.000-08:00

"Behaviour is our best effort in a given situation with the skills we have to get what we want/need"

The answer is simple - NOTHING IS WRONG

Every behaviour has a positive intent for the person exhibiting the specific behaviour. People continue to use a certain set of behaviours (skills) because that set of behaviours (skills) actually continues to work for them. I use the word skill as we learn our behaviour patterns and refine them through practice and repetition.

Think about this. Would you continue to use a particular behaviour if you failed to get your desired result. What do wise people say.....'The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing but expect a different result', this situation obviously leads to continued disappointment and frustration. However it also provides us with part of the answer. We must change something. What a little later.

This brings me to the first of a number of principles relating to behaviour that I will cover throughout my future blogs.

Principle One: You can not make anyone but yourself do anything. Therefore you need to control or manage yourself in order to influence the behaviour of anyone else.

If we can only mange and control ourselves, then it becomes logical that in order to influence the 'inappropriate' behaviour of others (our sons or daughters, other significant others) we must make changes to our approach (what we are doing). Think about it, don't women influence men by putting on some seductive lingerie, cooking a favorite meal...... Men don't we influence women by doing those little things prior to being asked? And usually in order to soften them up to ask for what we want.

So we have the first piece in the puzzle to changing someones behaviour. Change our behaviours.

Mothers have been doing this forever, ignoring the child who is behaving inappropriately or even in the 'olden' days when a child would say "I'm bored" mum would distract them by giving them some insignificant task or saying "go outside and find something to do" mum knew the benefit of changing focus.This distraction methods is excellent for stopping a child in the middle of a well rehearsed tantrum, and I will go into this method in a future Blog.

For the moment let's start by taking some time to think about these situation that cause us the most frustration and attempt to devise alternative reactions (yes reactions because we usually react rather than think things through on the spot - we did to retrain ourselves) that we can use and practice next time certain frustrating situation arise.

Here are some suggestions.
Your son has great difficulty putting his dirty clothes in the washing basket. (simple one)

Mum: you usually just pick up after them and 'nag' them to put their clothes in the basket (Am I right).
Now lets think at present the son still gets his clothes washed and put away without doing anything but have to listen to mum have a nag. All he wants is clean clothes, put away and not have to do anything. For who is this behaviour working - NOT MUM who continues to be frustrated but continues to pick up after him.

Try This: place the dirty clothes on the child's bed, only wash those clothes that actually make it to the washing basket. And now the important bit, we need to help the child learn why it is important to you (and them in future) when he has a whinge about no clean clothes, or his washing not being done, you can explain in a quiet and controlled voice ' the rule is clothes for washing are placed in the washing basket, clothes not in the basket do not need washing' and you can also advise him as to how it makes you feel unappreciated when you are ignored and have to pick up after him in order to keep the home clean and presentable for visitors and friends.

Stay tuned for further Behaviour tips in my future Blogs