A Pirate's Life for Me

2022-05-25T18:14:00.001-06:00

Well it's been 11 years or so. A lot has changed, mostly me.

I've had kids, moved across the country, lost people dear to me (miss you, Mom), and deconstructed my faith. I haven't really reconstructed anything in its place, and I can tell you, it's a relief to be rid of it altogether.

My brain was so wrapped up in thoughts of heaven and hell and sin and repentance, and it's truly freeing to be free from it. I find myself feeling very zen most of the time. I'm probably going to start a new blog soon so if anyone follows this one, (God I hope not), I'll let you know where to find me when I get there.

I love where I am now and I love my family and it's been quite the little pirate-y adventure.

Panic!!!!

2011-01-27T11:36:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you're panicking, and you tell yourself to stop, it only seems to get worse? Maybe it's like having a fear of heights. Jed and I visited the Rio Grande Bridge near Taos on our way home from our honeymoon. Having a rather severe case of acrophobia myself, all I could think was, "Don't look down..." But of course, I looked down.

Right now, life feels like a tight rope stretched over a 15 bazillion foot chasm. It's not a very wide chasm, and I could probably get over it pretty quick, but there's this little voice that gets progressively louder every time I get closer to that rope. I try to ignore it, but the more I try, the louder it gets until finally I feel like I have a mini drill sergeant in my head screaming his lungs out at me.

"OH MY GOSH!!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! PANIC! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! FIX IT!!! FIX IT NOW!!!!!"

You see, I have a rather hyper sense of responsibility. I could probably even convince myself that hurricane Katrina was at least partly my fault.

The chasm I'm trying to cross isn't really a result of anything I've done right or wrong; it's just life, and life is hard sometimes (well, most times).

The truth that I'm really trying to grab hold of is that I'm not responsible for everything that happens in my life. Now, before you go all crazy on me and think that I'm losing my grip and going to end up a homeless alcoholic for the rest of my life, I do understand that choices I make today will probably have consequences, good or bad, for the future. For example, I chose to quit my job not too long ago, and that has had consequences, good and not so good. However, I also feel like the decisions I've made, like getting married and quitting my job, were not made lightly and that God was directing me toward doing those things.

So, in all actuality, God is responsible for what happens to me now. Yesterday, when I was having one of those moments where I couldn't even think straight because of my mini drill sergeant, I had a cup of tea. Now this wasn't just any cup of tea; my mom gave me a box of "Scripture Tea" for Christmas. It's green chai tea, and on each little tab is printed a little verse. I thought it was a little cheesy at the time (but sweet, of course), but each cup of tea that I've had has had a verse that was quite appropriate for what I was thinking about at the time. Yesterday my verse was Psalm 31:24:

"Take courage if you are depending on the Lord."

Okay.

Easier said than done, but armed with this verse and others like Psalm 37:3-7 and Matthew 6:25-34, I can keep doing battle with the little lier that's found it's way into my mind.

Patience

2011-01-19T20:15:00.001-07:00

To teach is to learn twice over. ~Joseph Joubert

I’ve wanted to teach since my junior year of college, when it was too late to start working on a teaching license. Getting a license in the state of New Mexico is quite a pain after you get out of college, and I’m afraid I don’t have very much patience sometimes. However, as of today (well, as long as I pass a background check) I get to be a substitute teacher for a private Christian school here in Albuquerque!

This is quite an answer to prayer. After quitting my job at RAA, I really had no idea what to do. I’ve been applying for part time assistant/receptionist jobs on Craigslist since the beginning of January, but I really don’t enjoy office jobs. Jed and I started our own business offering web design and tech support (check it out here), but I don’t know very much about how to provide the services we offer, and we don’t need a lot of administration stuff just yet so I’ve been floundering a little. (I do hope to learn all that stuff eventually, but it will take practice and time.)

So, last week, my good friend Emmy texted me and told me how she was going to start subbing at this Christian school, and that they were still looking for subs. She gave the name of the principal I could contact, so I e-mailed him my resume and a cover letter telling him how much I wanted to teach. I thought nothing would come of it really, especially after I’d sent out so many resumes with so few results, but yesterday, I got a call, today I had an interview, and today I got the job (pending background check). What was even neater was that they were really excited to have me since I have a math background, and they assured me I’d probably get called in to sub quite a bit with that experience. (I guess math degrees do come in handy after all.)

That’s what I’ll be up to this year. It always amazes me how things can fall neatly into place if one waits patiently enough.

“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7

2011-01-06T16:08:00.009-07:00

A new year always brings a lot of talk about change. Resolutions are made with great resolve (thus they’re called resolutions) and everyone is determined that this year will be better than the last year which was full of procrastination and drudgery.

As I reflect on my past year, my mind reels with all the changes it brought. It’s still a little hard to comprehend, and I can't really imagine what this year's going to bring after this last one. Here’s a sum-up.

January: The place at which I was temping hired me permanently. I also corresponded with some missionaries on the field to which I was planning to go through World Team.

February: Jed and I started dating officially. The day after we made this decision, he left to go to Holbrook for a week to help fix up his grandpa’s old place. That was quite sad for me. But I went to Vegas with my dad

and visited Jed along the way. This was also my first Valentine’s day to actually be dating someone. But we’d only been dating for a week by the time that holiday rolled around, and all he got was an e-card and all I got was nothing.

March: Jed and I went on a double date to Chaco Canyon which was a lot of fun.

Right around this time, I also finished my application to the Summer Institute of Linguistics.

April: The family that I had been praying about going on the mission field with changed their minds about what organization they were going to go through. I was left in a bit of a muddle as I’d already joined World Team with whom they were originally planning on going. My relationship with Jed was a little funky at this time as we still hadn’t really figured out how to talk to each other about goals (or anything… We were quite awkward), so I briefly considered joining the Air Force (something I’d considered doing on and off since I graduated from college).

I mentioned this idea to Jed, and he objected quite a bit, so I decided that wasn’t the best idea after all. That got us started on talking about our future together and what we each thought about it.

May: (I think) Jed wrote me a letter telling me he loved me and explained what he’d been feeling since we started dating. To hear his feelings made me feel so much better about sharing mine and somehow, that created a much stronger bond between us than we’d previously experienced. Shortly after he’d written the above letter, he wrote another one explaining what he meant when he said he loved me. And boy, was it a heavy letter. But very good. However, the things he said in the letter and the level of commitment he demonstrated by saying those things made me feel uncomfortable progressing in our relationship on just a dating level. So I said so. About 10 or 20 minutes after I said so, as we were sitting in a lovely park near my house, he asked me to marry him.

June: I left for North Dakota. Jed drove me up, and, geniuses that we are, we drove straight from Albuquerque, NM to Grand Forks, ND. It took us 27 hours. And we had some funky car trouble on the way up and almost hit a herd of cows in Nebraska. SIL wasn’t anything like I expected it to be. But it was a lot of fun and I met a ton of awesome people there.

July: I was still in North Dakota, constantly drenched because of the humidity

and working my way through mid-terms. Somewhere in there, I dropped one of my classes because trying to take 10 credit hours, 4 of which were graduate level, and maintain a long distance relationship was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Jed and I talked a lot, but we got into quite a few very intense discussions. They were rather exhausting, and we got a lot of things out on the table which were quite helpful to know later in our relationship. He also came and visited me about halfway through the month, which was quite nice.

I ordered and received my wedding dress. $160 on eBay!

Jed found out that the job he had wasn’t going to be able to afford to keep him on any longer. Major bummer.

August: SIL ended and Jed flew up to drive me back. We brought along a passenger to drop off in Denver, and we stopped in Laramie to visit Jed’s brother and stay the night. We definitely weren’t going to try to drive straight through again. I started trying to find a job when I got back, but I also spent a little time just trying to recover from the summer and enjoy the nice dry air. Wedding planning, which started in June, continued full force as we tried to hunt down the perfect venue.

September: I found a job back with my old employer but in a different department and, great fun, had to work the night and swing shifts for 2 weeks without being given any warning. Wedding planning was on hold for me, but fortunately, Jed had taken a great interest in planning the perfect wedding. He however, was still looking for steady work, with contract work keeping him busy in the meantime. We sort of decided on a venue for our wedding.

October: We finally decided on our actual venue. Decoration buying and cupcake baking started full force.

I worked the night shift for the first bit of the month, but that was over with soon enough. I had my bridal shower, which was lovely, and my birthday, which was also lovely, within a couple of days of each other. And the wedding was only a month away!

November:
Wedding and honeymoon!

The wedding turned out lovely, even if it was a little crowded. And the honeymoon, thanks to my lovely aunt and uncle was wonderful. We went to Pagosa Springs and had a big condo all to ourselves. After the honeymoon, I moved in with Jed in his parents’ home (since he didn’t have steady work and I hadn’t worked very long yet). Jed continued to have a lot of odd jobs programming and helping people with computer stuff.

December: I had to work the night shift yet again for 2 weeks and began to feel like I was losing my mind being at work all day or all night with nothing (quite literally) to do.

My attitude got quite bad really, and I’m a little ashamed to admit that. However, that fact, along with some logistical things having to do with my health insurance (it’s rather involved), caused Jed and me to feel like maybe quitting might be the best option. So, I did. And then, as Jed was still having trouble finding a job, we decided to start our own business! Exciting, right? And a little crazy? Maybe.

So that’s where you find us at the beginning of this year.

For this year's plans, tune in next time!

My husband and his cat

2010-12-04T09:51:00.002-07:00

From the moment I met Lucy, I knew there was no way we would ever be friends. She glared at me with her bright green eyes and wagged her fluffy tail every time I got near her. After Jed and I got married and I moved in with him, things didn’t get any better. I can walk across her path unintentionally and she hisses and growls and bats her little paws at me. If I try to pick her up (which is only in emergency situations like trying to get her out of my room), she turns into a screaming set of claws determined to tear me to pieces. I do admit that I haven’t really tried to help our relationship by being particularly nice, but really, she started it, and I can’t help but wonder if she’s just a little jealous of me.

As long as I’ve known him, Jed has sung the praises of this cat, saying she’s the prettiest cat in the whole world (and she is pretty, with long, shiny black fur and white boots and markings), and super smart, and altogether wonderful. Before I’m accused of being jealous of his admiration for his kitty, let me just say that she’s really not very nice to him either. She puts up with him whenever he picks her up, but looks miserable the whole time and will eventually growl and hiss to be put down. The only time she’s ever nice to him is when he feeds her, and she’ll do whatever he asks then. She even sits when commanded.

The other day, after Jed and I had a long discussion about all of our misunderstandings of the past couple of weeks (most of which were me misunderstanding him), we sat on the couch watching Lucy slink through the living room. She literally slinks. Most cats walk around with their tails held high, but I’ve had yet to see Lucy do this. I commented on this to Jed, and he responded that that’s one of the things he likes about her because it proves that she’s not like other cats. He then launched into his usual spiel explaining how wonderful she was and how she knows the word crate and will sit when asked and can probably speak English if she wanted to. After a minute, his attitude changed from his usual playful and slightly antagonizing tone as he began to tell the story of how he got Lucy.

His mom used to hate cats apparently (you wouldn’t know it now), but Jed always thought they were adorable. He managed at one time to convince her to let him have one. The one condition was that he would have to keep it in a rabbit cage outside. He, understandably, chose not to get one at that time. One day, some time later, he was visiting some friends in Farmington who always had kittens to give away. The litter was made up of almost all tabbies, except for a tiny black kitty that was sitting a little apart from the rest and mewing at him as he watched her. He picked her up, and was almost immediately attached to her. She purred and mewed happily in his arms, and he decided that he had to keep her. So, he took her home. Before his mom came home that day, he made a plan to put Lucy up on his shoulder and prayed that his mom would see how adorable she was and wouldn’t make him put her outside. When Jed’s mom saw her sitting there purring and licking Jed’s face, she exclaimed, “What a cute little kitten!” and Lucy was never put in a rabbit cage.

As she grew up, she remained a loyal kitty and followed Jed around constantly. She was, from what Jed says, a happy and sweet kitty, and he took care of her to the best of his ability. He called around for the best vet when she was sick and made sure she took her medicine. Then he moved out of his parents’ house. He took her with him as he moved around town, but he said she started to change a little. When he lived with some friends who had a dog, Lucy decided she no longer needed to use a litter box. She started getting crankier then, though she continued to be loyal and sweet to Jed. She finally lost it when he moved to the middle east for a year and a half. He forgot to tell her goodbye before he left, and his mom said she sat at the door for days waiting for him to come home.

When he finally did come home, she wouldn’t look at him for days. It’s taken her a very long time to adjust to him being home. Even now, as I said before, she tolerates him, but she isn’t the same sweet kitty that he brought home from a friend’s house 4 years ago. Yet Jed still sings her praises and loves her dearly. He said he believes if he just keeps being nice to her and saying nice things about her, she might just turn back into that nice, sweet kitty that he used to have.

As he told this story, I couldn’t help but think how fortunate I was to be chosen and pursued by such a loyal man. That sounds awfully sappy, but oh well. And before I’m misunderstood, I don’t mean I’m lucky because I get to get away with acting like a witch like Lucy. But, as I consider the vows Jed and I made 4 weeks ago today, and the current divorce rate, I feel God’s blessing on my life through Jed and am confident that til death do us part, we’ll be together.

It's about time!

2010-06-13T18:29:00.004-06:00

This last week here’s flown by between meeting all sorts of new people and going to class for 5 hours a day and, supposedly, studying for however long you’re supposed to study when taking this many classes during the summer. I didn’t quite expect coming here for linguistics training to feel so much like being back in school. I’ve had to readjust to living in the dorms and walking everywhere and carrying heavy books wherever I go and eating in the cafeteria. (Fortunately, the cafeteria here is much nicer than Eastern’s.) My classes have been altogether quite interesting. Here’s a quick overview.

Second language acquisition is altogether the easiest and the most fun. We sit in a lecture every morning that is there basically so we can have the super cool lab. Our professor just goes over the psychology of how to learn a language and steps that can be taken to do so. The lab is the fun part. The class is divided into groups of 4 (or sometimes more) and assigned a coach and a “language nurturer.” The language nurturer is someone who’s native language is not English. Our coach sets up a variety of objects and has the nurturer (my nurturer is named Pascal) point to them and tell us what they mean. After that, he repeats the names of the objects and we have to point the one he said. He also acts out verbs for us and when he repeats them, we have to act them out. Already after a week, Pascal is telling us in sentences to act out different things using the objects we know the names for and we can usually figure out what he’s saying. Our language is Kirundi which is from the country of Burundi in Africa. Neat, right?

Articulatory phonetics is probably my second favorite class. We get to learn how to make different sounds that make up language (including the tongue clicking everyone keeps asking about). So far we’ve been learning what words like bilabial, labiodentals, alveolar, and fricative mean, and the difference between a voiced and a voiceless consonant. It’s a funny class, too, because for homework we get to practice making all the funny noises which is pretty different from any other class I’ve taken.

Syntax and morphology is the study of the grammatical makeup of sentences. I like this class because it’s mostly made up of trying to figure out puzzles. We’re given a couple (or quite a few actually) sentences in another language and then given those sentences’ English gloss (translation) and told to find the stems and prepositions and pronouns and whatever else we can find. It’s pretty fun.

The last class is the one I still haven’t figured out if I like or not because a lot of it seems like psychology. It’s called Introduction to Sociolinguistics and is basically the study of the uses of different languages. I like it because it kind of addresses questions I’ve thought about before, but everything is pretty fuzzy. It’s like trying to explain to somebody how you know the sky is blue.

Well, that’s kind of a general overview of everything. There’s a ton of other stuff I want to talk about but I either have forgotten it for the moment or am too lazy to write more. So hopefully I’ll be blogging a little more later on.

Where's the reset button? Dang it!

2010-04-27T21:37:00.003-06:00

I've been having one of those months where I wish I could just wipe everything off my plate and start over. Little things just keep piling up and I feel like I don't have any control over it. I don't really have any control, though, which is probably why I feel that way. The feeling that's bothersome and unnecessary is the panic and worry that can be quite a pain in the neck to ignore. But, I found some time to sit and "be still" for a little while today and found that to be quite refreshing. I also found some time to go through some pictures I got to take over the weekend and enjoy them. They're rather peaceful.

Art class fun-ness

2010-02-13T18:09:00.003-07:00

So I've been taking this art class for a couple of weeks now and wanted to share a bit of my work with my loyal readers. This is the first drawing that I've done that I'm quite pleased with. I have a picture of some oranges that was our first assignment, and a purple daisy that turned out pretty nice. This is the one that I've put the most work into I think. It's also the first drawing that I've completed with ink, and ink is scary because there isn't an eraser. I wonder if white-out is an acceptable tool in art. Probably not...

Here's the process (kinda boring, but just wanted everyone to know how hard it was :) ):
Draw the outline of the flower with pencil
Using tracing paper, transfer the outline to a second piece of paper (so I still have the original in case I mess something up)
Sit for 2-3 hours putting little dots in the outline until it starts looking something like a flower
Erase the pencilled outline

It was fun and rewarding but also very frustrating. My teacher gave us the option of stipling (which is what I did with the little dots) or line drawing. Stipling, she said, is easier since it's a lot easier to mess up lines if your elbow gets bumped or you lose track of what you're doing.

Next week, we're supposed to start working with colored pencils... should be exciting :)!

Switchfoot, green chile, and a whole house to myself

2010-02-08T18:04:00.004-07:00

One of my roommates in college loved Switchfoot to death. She said once that Jon Foreman wrote everything her heart wanted to say. I'd gotten sick of everything else on my MP3 player and for some reason avoided listening to a lot of Switchfoot, but I finally hunkered down and paid attention to some of their more recent CDs. They get down to the nitty-gritty of humanity and ask a lot of questions most people are afraid to ask. Jon Foreman, their lyricist, digs deep and asks questions about life and love and what it means to be happy. I'm not saying other bands don't ask these kinds of questions, but somehow, Switchfoot is one of the few that has helped me understand myself better.

I've still been asking myself lots of questions about the choices I've made and what my life actually looks like right now. At this very moment, I just finished enjoying an especially spicy dinner of ground beef with pepper accidentally dumped on it, mixed with green chile, cheddar, and whole wheat pasta. The house is unusually peaceful as both of my roommates are out to their various errands and events. And I'm at home with nothing huge looming over my head (for the moment). And I'm really not questioning anything right now either. That's an unusual feeling for me to have, especially lately. Some things I've been thinking about have become more clear, while others still need to be addressed. For example, I "decided" (I try to use that word as loosely as possible) that I am not going to Cameroon for a Vision Trip in May. I hadn't really had a lot of peace about deciding to go in May and have had trouble getting myself to move forward in working through the logistics. A lot of people had been questioning that decision as well since the Field Director in Cameroon wouldn't actually be in the country at that time. I think I was just trying to move forward too quickly. Sometimes, I get too caught up in all the action and trying to "keep the ball rolling" to really stop and pay attention to what my heart is telling me.

For now, I am still looking forward to not working in medical records any more when the summer comes. I'm planning on going to school for linguistics in June and am praying about getting a job as an "educational assistant" when I come back. And I'm still trying to draw pretty flowers in my art class and record sort of pretty music with my new microphone. (I've also "decided" that I have way too many hobbies, but I'm not willing to give any of them up, so I guess nothing will change.)

Well, that's it. Life's crazy. And there's a crazy dog who's licking my shirt because he wants his dinner. I'll end with Switchfoot's quote: "Life begins at the intersection".

It's already 2010???

2010-01-26T20:00:00.002-07:00

So, it's already almost the end of January and it still hasn't hit me that it's 2010. I will never cease to be amazed out how quickly time goes. I have survived my first semester of not being in school, am on my way to Africa at the beginning of the summer, am taking "Botanical Art and Illustration", and randomly decided to buy some recording equipment so I can make a cd of music that I wrote. (How I will find the time to make this cd, or whether or not I will actually like this cd is another story.)

I've been feeling like I'm in the middle of a little bit of a crisis with so many choices to make and so many choices that have already been made. Now that I've officially joined a missions agency and am working towards getting on the field, I am freaking out a little and wondering, "What if I had decided to join the Air Force?" and other random things like that. A little bit of "the grass is greener" syndrome, as my mother pointed out

In the midst of all of this, however, I am always refreshed whenever it hits me that none of it is in my hands anyway. One of my good friends said something quite poetic over coffee the other day. "We are stuck in this constant cycle of humanity in which the only relief is the Divine." Something like that. She said it much better and I can't remember her exact wording unfortunately. Anyway, the point is, every time I freak out as I'm trying to figure out my exact plans, God just puts his hand on my little head and tells me to stop worrying. I can't really have exact plans, anyway. They're really more like guidelines.

Reflections

2009-11-28T23:42:00.002-07:00

Ps 43:3-5

Send out your light and your truth;

let them lead me;

let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!

Then I will go to the altar of God,

to God my exceeding joy,

and I will praise you with the lyre

O God, my God

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

A creed is an important tool in anyone's life. Over the years, I've had my fair share. When I first realized God's love in my life, my creed was Psalm 27:4 "One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." Later, when I began to realize more the importance of sharing this love, my creed became John 3:30 "He must increase, but I must decrease."

I stumbled upon Psalm 43:3-5 while I was trying to work through some serious frustration from outside sources in my life. The first words caught my eye, "Send out your light and your truth". I've seen God's guidance in my life again and again over the past few weeks, but there are some things happening in my life since returning from RACE (has it really only been a month since then?) that have seemed hazy and some that have been downright dark. I don't really know how I've managed to stay standing through a lot of it except by God's grace. I live in a difficult environment that's half light and half lies and sometimes it's really difficult to distinguish between the two. I've caught myself starting to slide down the slope of slimy lies quite a few times over the past weeks.

However, the last verse of this passage brings a wonderful exhortation in the midst of all this trouble. "Why are you cast down" and "in turmoil"? Hope in God. There's the cure for all my frustration right there. Because of the order of the verses, it seems to be a bit of a cycle. There's a prayer for guidance; guidance is provided and praise is given; and then the question pops out of nowhere "Why are you cast down?" Seems a little out of place, really. I think this is the point in the psalm-writer's life where sin and Satan attack with lies and deceit, but the writer sees through it within a moment and reminds himself of God's goodness.

So, this is my creed: Hope in God, for I shall yet praise him, my salvation and my God.

Home again :)

2009-10-26T18:50:00.002-06:00

Well, I'm sitting back in my kitchen listening to my roommates yell at each other (all in good fun, of course). It's been easier transitioning back into "normal life" than I thought it would, except for the fact that I've developed quite a violent cough which is causing quite the headache. Oh well, you can't have it all.

As I walked in the door of my home (still weird to call a house that is not my parent's house "home") last night, one of my roommates commented that I looked "older". Technically, as I did have a birthday over the past week, I am in fact, older, but I do feel a little older in a way. Having a goal again really makes a difference in how one lives one's life. (It does not however, mean that you will not procrastinate as I'm discovering now.)

One of the last things we did at RACE was make a ZAP (Z-to-A Plan). I've pretty much decided that I want to do literacy work in Cameroon, but the path that leads there is kind of long. 3 years isn't that bad, but it is a pretty good chunk of time. Literacy work involves teaching people how to read in their own language so that as the translators translate the Bible, people can read it. Training to do literacy work isn't really extensive, but I've had none so far, so I have to build from the ground up. I'm not quite sure what all it's going to entail just yet as I have not contacted the field director in Cameroon to see what kinds of requirements they have and where exactly they need literacy workers. (Writing that e-mail is on my growing list of things to do.) What I heard from the people there at RACE was that I could do summer school at SIL. (SIL stands for Summer Institute of Lingustics (too many acronyms) and is one of the schools that Wycliffe Bible Translators works with. Funny that I almost went there this last summer and decided not to because one of my best friends was getting married smack-dab in the middle of the session.) Anyway, there's a lot of stuff that goes along with this, but I don't want to bore anyone with all the details floating around in my head trying to make sense of themselves.

All this to say, though, that I am very excited about this, probably more excited than I've been about anything except knowing God, but I have to put all this together while living normal life and trying to work a regular job (and figuring out if I should get a new one that has more flexible hours and pays better... God can do miracles, right?).

I've arrived...

2009-10-22T19:50:00.004-06:00

I'm finding that stress is a fuel for my writing. Right now, I'm suffering a little from a lack of stress as I try to figure out how to communicate what this day was like. I started out a lot more emotional than I've been in quite a while, partly because of the anxiety I felt about what the outcome of this process would be (though it really was quite minimal as I really was feeling God's peace pervading and assuring me that He's in control), partly because of the serious lack of sleep, and mostly because of the process I've been brought through. A lot of things that were said or done throughout the week have been really freeing in so many ways. I can't really describe it, so I'll leave it at that.

We began our day at World Team Headquarters with a focus on God's peace and joy, and the importance of bringing those things into the rhythms of our lives. We followed by talking about the various outcomes of our time at RACE. Our options include the following 3:

(1) you are a valuable person and this is in no way a reflection on you as a person but just in relation to World Team (which they say before everyone of the results), but we just don't feel like you are a good fit with World Team,

(2) we think you could be a good fit with World Team, but there are some areas we'd like you to work on and then come back through RACE,

(3) we think you are a good fit with World Team and we'd like to extend to you an invitation to join us.

The moment of truth finally came and Desma and Linda pulled me back to the same room I'd been interviewed by them in before and began saying again that these results are in no way a reflection on you as a person. By that time I was thinking the worst had come, but Linda quickly moved on to say that, "You've been invited to join World Team". I was elated and choked up and a lot of things at once. Desma shared with me a little later that she'd bawled when she heard those same words after going through RACE herself. I also heard later from one of the other assessors that Desma had been in the assessor meetings championing the cause of the introverts in the group which I thought was pretty awesome. After sharing with me some of the strengths they saw in me and going over what this invitation means, Linda gave me a list of things "to do" as I prepare now for getting on the field.

I left that room with a lot of joy and peace as I called family and then a few friends to let them know the outcome of this whole process. Later in the afternoon, I received my field recommendations. They were: Cameroon, the Philippines, and any place in need of a teacher/tutor for missionary kids. Lots to pray about.

I have to say that my reaction time is sometimes kinda slow. My interview was over by 9:30 and it didn't really hit me until 12:30 that my biggest goal was now moving very quickly towards being realized, that I'm now a "missionary appointee"... so many new things all at once. But also so many things at home that I need to figure out as I pray about whether or not I should keep the job I have now, or look at something else (and if so, what?), and lots of things that have probably not yet crossed my mind.

I also have to say that I've been really grateful for the people God brought to RACE with me. Each of us have come away from the process with peace and feeling like we've been dealt with in a lot of love and grace. There's a genuineness and "sweetness" (as Krista put it) in the investment World Team has made in our lives and in the way our team dealt with each other. If you ever get the chance to RACE, you should definitely take it.

End of assessment.... thank goodness.

2009-10-21T17:51:00.005-06:00

Our sessions ended at 3:00 today, 6 hours earlier than they've been ending; glory be! Instead of feeling like 2 days, today only felt like 1 and 1/2. We've made it through assessment in one piece and are all still getting along with each other. I can't remember whether or not I've mentioned this and I'm too lazy to go back through my other blogs and see, but it's been a blessing being a part of a group of singles because we can share the joys and hardships of our single status together. After completing our last task as a team, we, the singles of the group, went out for sushi and enjoyed relaxing and not feeling like every second of our time was planned out for us.
As far as the actual assessment for today goes, the tone was different from the previous 1 and a 1/2 days (have we really only been doing assessment for that short a period??). During the morning, we had to prepare and complete our final task in between interviews. That part was stressful as we felt the time crunch towards the end, but the interviews I really enjoyed. I enjoy face-to-face, one-on-one interaction with people. I went through two interviews, one with Dezma and Linda, and the other with Bill, someone from the Center for Organizational Ministry and Development (something along those lines anyway). The first went by really quickly. Linda and Desma both had a lot of questions that we didn't have nearly enough time to get through. At the end they both said they were having a really hard time because they were wanting to identify with me as they're both introverted, but they have to be objective in their analysis.

The second interview was something I'd been curious about all week. I have a rather odd obsession with personality tests (I take the Greek saying "know thyself" very seriously... or something). Hearing somebody repeat back to me what goes on in my head in a way that made sense in English was a little weird; and that was basically what happened. I'd taken the actual test back in September and really had been wondering about what kind of freak I'd turn out to be. Apparently I'm a weird one, but that's ok. I think we're all a little weird. Some of the highlights of that interview were my irrational fears of people, my love for intellectual challenges and how my desire for intellectual challenges makes me get bored and want to move on when I get stuck in one thing (ADD basically), how I love art and music and beauty and all of those things help me focus on something outside of myself, how I deal with conflict by diffusing it with humor and how sometimes I shouldn't do that. It all gave me a lot to think about and helped me see some of my strengths and weaknesses and how they play for and against each other. It was more in depth than I'd expected, and by far the most accurate explanation to me of myself.

After that, we completed our "task" and were free for the rest of the afternoon. Funny that I wait until 11 to finish my blog for the day...

Longest birthday ever... in a good way :)

2009-10-20T21:24:00.003-06:00

It's nearly 11:30 as I'm writing this over here in Philly. Today began at 6 a.m. with getting up and leaving insanely early (John, a fellow RACEr staying at the same host home as me and the only one over 25 and able to drive a rental car, did not grow up in New Mexico and therefore does not have the same appreciation I do for arriving at the last possible second, or later). Most of today was my fellow RACErs and I trying to get to know each other as a team through sharing testimonies and various "exercises". I came out of some of our sessions with really interesting headaches and am realizing how much I value peace and quiet. And when I say "quiet", I mean absolute stillness. I'm feeling less like a de-shelled turtle than I did yesterday (which I'm very thankful for) as I had about 5 minutes outside with only a bird for company, enjoying being surrounded by a rich earthy fragrance (which was rudely interrupted by the anchovi- and onion-scented salad-dressing I'd picked for my leafy greens) that candle-makers only wish they could capture. Being rather severely introverted, times like those help me find my center of balance. One of the key words of a lot of our sessions was "chaos", and I know it was difficult for a lot of people in our group to deal with that word and the ideas behind it, as there are a lot of introverted people here at this particular RACE event. There are no "dominant" personalities in our group so it's been a challenge for us to get into a good system with leadership roles being clearly defined.

I'm starting to lose my train of thought, and I'm a little too tired to go back and retrace my steps over this blog, but just continue to pray for all of us as we work together through our assessment process. Pray that we would learn to rely on God more as a group, specifically. Tomorrow won't be as long, but we have a lot of stuff to accomplish during the morning and early afternoon and we need God's strength and guidance to get through it :).

First day of Assessment... dun dun dun

2009-10-19T20:24:00.003-06:00

Today feels like 2 days rolled into one... my goodness... (If this blog ends up really short, it's because I'm quite worn out and feeling a lot like a turtle that's been de-shelled.) We began the first day of orientation finishing out our "orientation stage". At lunch we switched gears and began looking at all of the personality tests we've taken over the past few months during the application process and also did some other more "top secret" kinds of things.
One thing that I enjoyed during the afternoon was hearing the testimonies of some of my fellow RACErs. I identified a lot with one of the gals, Krista, as she shared about the things she struggled with during the transitional phases of life (i.e. periods between high school graduation and college, college and real life, etc.). She's just a little older than me, but hearing her stories was really a blessing to me.

Anyway, I'm going to go be introverted for a few moments before going to bed. Thanks so much for all your prayers! They're very helpful and very needed.

Second day... end of first impression worries :)

2009-10-18T19:11:00.003-06:00

Today started out with a little bit of a trip trying to locate the nearest Starbucks. It's not quite as common here in Warrington, PA as it is in Albuquerque where there's at least one on every major street and you only have to drive about 5 minutes before you come across one. John, the only RACEr staying at our host home who's over 25 and therefore the only one able to drive our rental car, patiently drove Sydney and me through town until we saw one, at which point Sydney and I both yelled and pointed a little overenthusiastically (you must understand that our hostess's mother is the one who makes the coffee here and it's a little weak).

Coffee and scones in hand, we began our day with a little worship service, singing to guitar music and hearing out of the Word of God from Bob Heywood, a man with a loud, booming voice and a passionate message. He spoke out of 2 Corinthians 5:11-21, and gave a great reminder of the message and the absolute power of the Gospel. One thing I've already grown to appreciate about World Team is that everything begins and ends with the Gospel, not with numbers or philosophies or anything that's secondary to work in missions. They emphasize to us that we need to be preaching the Gospel to ourselves every day or we easily forget the power behind the cross that allows us to live free, grace-filled lives.

After that, we talked briefly about different fields, and areas of service. I asked a question about teaching, and the gal that was giving the presentation, Sara, had worked as a teacher in Africa for a few years. I talked with her over lunch about the different requirements for being a teacher in an MK school, and she gave whole bunch of helpful advice about getting a license through a Christian organization (ACSI or something like that... she e-mailed the info to me so I can look over it later), and using substitute teaching as a way to gain some experience. I was pretty excited :).

Then we covered all kinds of things in different sessions like discipleship, teamwork, working with different family dynamics (being singled, being married, having kids) and how people from different "stages" of life should work together. It still feels like a lot of information overload. I'm a little exhausted and overwhelmed still, but they assured us they wouldn't be testing us over it at the end of the week so that's a relief haha :).

Tomorrow the real fun begins, the long days of assessment, so I'm off to bed to get some rest and let my brain reboot.

First day of RACE

2009-10-17T21:12:00.005-06:00

I woke up this morning at about 8 Pennsylvania time, feeling like it was much too early to be awake yet. Ah, the joys of jet lag.

There are three of us staying at our host home and at 10, we were picked up to get our rental car for the week (a snazzy little PT Cruiser) and then headed off to World Team headquarters. Sydney, my fellow southwesterner, and I were in awe of the trees and all the beautiful colors as we drove. Sydney's from San Diego and jokes that there are only 2 seasons there, mudslide season and fire season. I only see pinon trees which are always a weird greenish color, unfortunately.

We spent the day in different sessions, listening and interacting with a few of the different World Team staff members, and getting to know the organization. I found myself dealing with a lot of questions like "how in the world am I going to keep up?", "how can a young, single gal like me find a place where I can actually be used in an organization like this?", and "can I really do ministry work at all?". I have rather limited experience in ministry, having had trouble in the past getting involved with organizations at school, and I've shot myself in the foot a few times by being maybe a little too stubborn on a few doctrinal issues I had with different leaders at said organizations (I've learned a little more humility since then, but still have quite a ways to go in beating down my more arrogant side). There are things in those organizations that I felt very strongly needed some work, but instead of trying to help work on them, I just backed out. I hadn't really learned the meaning of "being the change you want to see".

I've also had this weird aversion to "organized ministry" and planning how to go about ministry in my daily life. Maybe it's a leftover college student mentality of wanting to just "wing it" through everything. I've been trying to train myself out of this mental state for a while now, but old habits die hard. I have been taking baby steps, beginning with just praying a lot for the people I know, and have had a few opportunities to share truths about Jesus with my coworkers since I started praying for them. One of the guys from Focus on the Family talks about "intentional living" and I try to remember that phrase throughout the day, reminding myself that if I'm not looking for opportunities to share Jesus, I probably won't find them.

Speaking of praying for people, there are a few people I met yesterday in the middle of my traveling that I wanted to ask for prayer for.
1) I got through security and went to sit down and put my shoes back on, and I sat down next to another young gal. I asked her where she was headed and she said Denver, and then she asked me where I was headed and I said Philadelphia. I told her I was going to a missions conference-type-thing, and she looked at me and smiled and said she was headed for training to go on overseas missions. I don't remember the name of the organization any more, but she said she was going to go to 11 countries in 11 months. I didn't catch her name, but pray for her training and her work if you think about it :).
2) After "jumping ship" and getting on my second plane to Phoenix yesterday, I sat next to a really sweet couple who gave me the window seat when I didn't even ask for it. I talked to the wife (whose name I didn't catch either) and told her where I was going and what I was doing, and then talked with her about her life. She's Lutheran, but I don't know if she is actually saved or not. Her sister is fighting breast cancer and has 2 kids in their teens.
3) My last plane ride, I sat down next to an older, African-American lady. I asked her where she was headed and she was on her way from LA to visit her family in Philly. We got into the longest conversation I'd ever had with a stranger just about life and how you never know where you'll end up. I never asked her point-blank whether or not she was a Christian, but she believes in God and that He is the author of our lives. She may have been Catholic and I also noticed a Yoga charm on her bracelet. We had a lot in common though, a love for reading, a love for Earl Grey tea with milk and honey, a desire to see England, grandmothers with the same birthday. We laughed a lot and really enjoyed each others company. Pray for her salvation if she isn't saved. Her name was Lucille.

Anyway, if this wasn't entirely coherent, sorry... it's late here and I had a long day :).

Welcome to Pennsylvania!

2009-10-16T21:00:00.002-06:00

Well, now I haven't actually written about my plans for the future up here. In a nutshell, as graduation loomed closer and closer, I began to pray more and more about whether or not I should pursue missions right after graduation or wait a few years til I gained some more "life experience". (I've wanted to do mission work since I was probably about 12.) I spent the first half of the summer agonizing over it and talking with a few different missions organizations, Frontiers being the main one. I finally asked myself, "why not?" and could come up with no good response ("good" being the main word. I had plenty of responses like, "where on earth am I going to get the money for this?"). So, I began the application process with Frontiers. Two days later, my pastor, who had just announced his plan to pursue missions, called me to ask if I would be interested in joining him and his family on their mission wherever that would end up being. They were applying with an organization called World Team who really wants church-based teams going out. I thought about it, and decided that would be a really great idea. I would be able to go with people I knew and was comfortable with and that I knew I could really learn a lot from. I switched gears pretty quickly and started another long application process. And, man, it was pretty intense. They ask you just about everything imaginable and put you through all kinds of psychological tests. RACE is the end of the process (and I don't remember what RACE stands for right now... sorry), held in Warrington, PA, which is where I'm at now. From what I understand, RACE is like a really long interview to see what your strengths and weaknesses are and how you would contribute to a team, except not quite as boring. I'll be able to say a little more about it as the process moves along and I figure more stuff out. No details, because I think they don't want everyone completely prepared for the stuff they throw at you, but what I think and feel as I move along in the process. It's already been an adventure, too! My plane was supposed to take off at 7:45 this morning to catch a connecting flight in Phoenix at 8:50 (Phoenix time, of course). We had a little trouble with a hydraulic leak or something so the rest of the Philly-travelers and I jumped ship to another plane to Phoenix that left at 8:45. I arrived in Phoenix at 9:05, 15 minutes after my connecting flight was supposed to leave. But, they held the plane for the 8 of us! I was so very relieved. So praise Jesus for a safe trip, and pray for me as I feel my way through all this!

I was going to write a story, but decided to blog instead :S

2009-09-19T22:35:00.004-06:00

I've now been living "on my own" for about a month and a half. I'm not really sure what I expected in the first place, but I'm not really disappointed so that's probably a good sign, right? I spent a good long time this evening just reflecting a little on what brought me here, what's changed and what hasn't, what I miss and what I don't miss. Reflection is almost always beneficial, except when it's all you ever do. You run out of things to reflect on pretty quickly, as I would know from experience.
After watching this silly show about a bunch of socially inept physicists and engineers, I really started to miss math, funny as it sounds. I'm definitely not as smart as the 4 big nerds on this TV show, but I did understand part of what they were talking about at least most of the time. I now do no math at all on a regular basis after having taken math classes for the last 3 and 1/2 years of my life (I didn't have any my first semester when I thought I'd be a music major; that department was too dramatic for me). I might just pull my calculus book out and read it for fun sometime. Haha.
I also miss playing the piano. I have a piano in my new room, but it's out of tune (like one note will play three different pitches at once) and there is no room for my keyboard. I do miss it terribly. The guitar just isn't quite the same.
I do not miss having no time to read, however. I've been reading as much as possible and enjoying it a lot. The Three Musketeers is a very entertaining book, albeit very long. Knowing God is an excellent book also, but for much different reasons. Harry Potter is not exactly an excellent set of books, but they are good reading for pleasure.
Living "on my own" and having a job and not having an end goal of having a degree in my hand any more has really changed my mindset in a lot of ways. Possibilities seem to lay stretched out endlessly before me. (Whether or not these possibilities are probabilities remains to be seen as I have retained, if nothing else from the last 4 years of school, a tendency to procrastinate.) I do know, however, that the future really is in God's hands. I have most definitely developed a much stronger faith over the past few months as I have stepped out into this new world. It's been scary and challenging in a myriad of ways, but God's used each of those little things to help me get closer to Him, and that in all, is what this life is about anyway. So I know that I am indeed in very good Hands.

Sleepy minds make grumpy spirits

2009-06-23T21:30:00.002-06:00

I don't know if the title is true for all people, but I know it's true for me. Sometimes anyway; right now in particular. When I'm sleepy, I tend to daydream, and then I get discontent. Everyone says dreams and wishes are good things that keep people going but sometimes I wonder about this supposed fact. Maybe it would help if all my dreams and wishes lay along the same path. I keep chasing different wishes on different days and then it feels like I'm running in circles. Just because none of them seem to go the same direction doesn't mean they won't though, so I should probably just stop worrying about it :S. Just keep "delighting in the Lord" and He will bring light to the path.
"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; though he fall he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand." (Ps. 37:23-24)
"For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you'." (Isaiah 41:13)
Yeah, these verses don't guarantee that all my dreams will come true, but they do guarantee that even if I can't see what's going to happen next, God does. He's preparing the way and preparing my heart for the journey.
Anyway, bedtime! Maybe I won't be so grumpy tomorrow :).

A confession (for Sarah B :)

2009-05-21T22:59:00.002-06:00

The truth is out. I am a terrible blogger. It has been almost 3 months since my last post, and that really is rather unfortunate since a lot happened in those last 3 months. I am now an alumnus of Eastern New Mexico University. I wanted to put the word "finally" there at the end of the previous sentence, but the last 4 years really went by so fast that I don't think it would be appropriate. And the word finally implies endings, but it's really just a beginning.
As it is late, I think I shall sign off by leaving my dear reader(s) with a poem/song/thing that I think I wrote, but I'm not sure when. I found it a few evenings ago and it expresses my sentiments well for the present time.

The stately garments of the trees
Their branches outspread wide
Sing the praise of their Creator
The regalia of the flowers
Their scent cleansing the air
Display the caring affection of their Maker

There are miracles all around
There is beauty in this earth
A dim reflection of its Master's glory
Just open the eyes of your heart
You'll never have far to look
To see the majesty of our Lord

Standing on the edge of nowhere
Looking out across vast space
Smiling stars tell of God's greatness and his Grace
The tiniest neuron
Is yet so complex
It declares His awesome wisdom and power.

And He calls to my heart
And He makes it his own
I belong to him, and my life is in his hands
How could I not trust Him
When all around the world
His sovereignty is shown?

Ever-changing Life

2009-02-24T01:53:00.002-07:00

I'm sitting here at 2 a.m. listening to Jon Foreman and thinking that I really should be in bed. It's hard to believe it's only 2 weeks until mid-terms here at school and I still haven't nailed down what I want to do after graduation this May. I have a pretty set idea, but it all requires a lot of faith in my Father on my part and understanding on the part of those people whose opinions matter most to me. The first of those two requirements is what really is most important because my Father can change opinions and help me deal with misunderstandings that may arise. It's amazing what happens when one has faith, but it's also devistating to see what happens when one's eyes are taken for just a moment from the One who gives life and takes it. Distractions happen so easily, but the most important part of this life is learning who created it and following Him through it.
Crazy little things have been happening around here over the past few days that have had me in a slight panic, but I know He's in control, and I really shouldn't have let myself worry about all these little things. It all seems job related, too. I was rather tempted to just quit both of my jobs and not worry about it any more, but really, that would just be silly. I am really thankful for both opportunities. One provides me with room and board; the other I really love doing (and the extra income really helps). I'm also thankful for my classes this semester and for the fact that they're really not hard. This has been the least challenging semester since my freshmen year and I'm able to spend time with the friends I've made here before we all start parting ways. It's strange to think that I've pretty much lived here for 4 years of my life now, and strange to think that I'll miss such a crazy, backwards little town, but I know I will. I've learned a lot about myself here, through relationships and challenges and opportunities I never thought I'd have. It's been good.
Before I get all teary-eyed on myself, I here remind myself that I have 13 more weeks that I have to survive before graduation takes place, and that in order to survive them, sleep is necessary. So, goodnight.

Heavenly thoughts...

2009-02-03T00:04:00.003-07:00

The following passage is one of my favorites. It reminds me of the miracles we'll see one day when the Lord returns to claim his own. My mind is blown just by thinking of what heaven will be like, how we won't have to struggle with our wretched sinfulness and the God that we as Christians call Father will be standing before our very eyes. "Amen, come Lord Jesus!"
Isaiah 35.3-10 :
Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart, "Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."
Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals where they lie down, the grass shall become reeds and rushes.
And a highway shall be there, and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

Lullaby

2009-02-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

Sleep my precious child
Wake to meet a new day
Only remember that I love you
Let that carry you away
May no thoughts or worries
Trouble you this night
Only let what you learned today
Grow you for the fight
One day the world won't be like this
All will be renewed
May you be ready that very hour
May it be the moment your heart's pursued
Sleep now, dearest to my heart
Know that you have been forever set apart.