Deadly Dreaming Deicidal Denizen

Love and Other Drugs

2014-09-01T22:12:00.000+08:00

Taking no reference from the movie apart from its title, this shall be my one and only attempt to speak about the subject.

"White lips, pale face. Breathing in snowflakes. Burnt lungs, sour taste..."
...Though I never struggled to pay rent, there were long nights, and there were strange men.

Let me begin by stating clearly... This post is about my experience with methamphetamine.

It began with a dabble, 2 years back. Nothing. I didn't feel any different smoking it. I hooked up, and that was it. 1 year ago, I hooked up again. This time, taking a bit more. I felt awake, for a whole night, but not any different, really. I just had to cope with some lost sleep.

Then, 9 months ago, I did it again. Finally... perhaps due to a different batch or formula... I felt it. A rush, quiver through the body. Immediately, I was calmed. I simply stopped for a few seconds to feel. I cannot describe it. Euphoria is not accurate. There is something completely engulfing, that takes your perceptions to new heights, and holds your entire being there. It was a good feeling. In fact, everything felt good. Touch, smell, sounds, and the sight of the men who gave it to me... not entirely attractive men, but men that are willing, and able, and everything wrong about them just.fell.away.
Talking about it just makes me feel like doing it all over again. Shamefully so.

But hey, that's all the good stuff, right? It really was all good, until my first crash. Fatigue, depression, excessive sleep, in short, I turned into a zombie for a few days. Still alive enough to keep up appearances, but the strain of staying awake just to go through the motions was debilitating. After crashing, what seems to be a return to a state of normality is another illusion that would last a few more days. I lose strength, focus, and spend a good amount of time resisting to take a puff.

It gets worse. The things I did when high on meth, I would never do sober. Barebacking, combining drugs, fucking people I don't even like... The remorse doesn't hit me until the next couple of days. People think it's the high that pulls you back. I think it's the crash that pushes instead. To know that this feeling can be kept at bay just for another few days.

I don't think what I've described above is accurate enough. I don't think I really know how to describe the whole experience. Just that it should have never happened.

That being said, I have no qualms on accepting the damage I have done to myself. But I've gone as far as alienating 2 friends in the process. A, who was trying to dissuade a few of us friends from doing this any longer. We were supposed to work together to stop it all but I had decided that the plan was too drastic, so it fell through and A got hurt in the process. B, who is a dear friend of many years, I pushed away because I decided that after what happened with A, disclosure of this nightmare will not benefit anyone. As it turns out, standing my ground did not benefit our friendship either. Both friends no longer communicate with me in any form.

I've always believed the strength of any relationship is only shown in times of trying.... So I guess I'm still that same weakling I've always known. I wish I could muster up some fight in me to make up with both friends but I feel undeserving of their forgiveness because this issue is still not over. I doubt it will be over anytime soon. No doubt, we all keep secrets. Some secrets you keep and nurture with love and it helps you grow....but I suppose this is one I have to keep and let eat me up till the day I die. It has cost me this much. No more.

I cannot blame the drug. But since it's entrance into my life, a lot of emotional wrought has followed. It's no wonder why people choose to hide the truth. "No judgement.... It's ok.... We understand..." These would all hold true... until they don't.

The thought that 3 people, whose lives are so big, wonderful and full of joy can be separated by this one occurrence, is infinitely saddening. It's why I choose solitude. It's why I choose to put up that stupid face with the world. Because the truth simply doesn't work.

It's been about a month. I don't have meth on me anymore. I know it will still forever haunt me. I know I will slip easily because that's who I am. I am afraid. I think I will always be. In this Fear. Hating myself. So hello, third certainty in my life. You and Taxes have never been kind, but maybe with your help, I will learn to embrace this pain, and Death will seem kinder.

Distant and Debilitated...
D.

Devastating Distance

2013-09-24T17:17:00.002+08:00

You've seen this before. The chance encounter. The little sparks. The following flames.

O, how they burn you after they leave.

Yet it is of no fault of theirs.

S is, like many others, a young boy of southern charm. I had met him on an occasion. This was a chance occasion, which came unto me upon a random encounter asking me to join a game of badminton. So I ended up signing up for a little 'gay games' styled track and field event cum badminton competition. S was to be paired with me and another friend.

He came to me. Tall, dark and unassumingly handsome. Cliche as it may be, he almost had me at hello. As the games progressed, it seemed to me that we had somewhat of a mutual preference for hard shots. No pun intended. I had delusions of training with him in future but I knew deep down that it was a slim possibility. We lost. Grudgingly so. We could have done a lot better.

The games progressed over 2 days. I hoped to dine with him on Day 1 but was unfortunately relying on someone else for transportation and went our separate ways. I didn't think much of it. Day 2 ended similarly. I felt that we got closer during Day 2, which was when we ran for track and field. Maybe it was the camaraderie of being on the same team, or just me observing that he tended to come close whenever we weren't doing anything. These are the times I hate the social recluse in me the most. We parted ways like most would. A simple goodbye wave. I would miss him, and add him on Facebook. He would accept... and we would continue to communicate. The day was June 2. I went home to wish mummy dearest a happy birthday.

Fast forward almost a month later, we discovered that we're running the in the upcoming Standard Chartered KL Marathon 2013. The event was postponed due to a bad haze. Despite all of this, S still wanted to visit KL to catch up with old friends. I took the chance to invite him to stay with me. He had other plans at first but accepted to stay one night anyhow. I was ecstatic to say the least. Saturday was when we would meet. He had stayed with his colleagues the night before and I was to bring him around town. I learnt that he used to work in PJ. In the shopping mall we met, too. After bringing him to meet a friend, we would continue to yet another shopping mall instead.

We had lunch and ice cream made from liquid nitrogen. I clearly remember us not enjoying the sights so much and not even shopping. But I had enjoyed the company a little too much. We adjourned to meet with the same group we played badminton with before for dessert and dinner, followed by more drinks. I felt so obliged that the group came together. I would have been lost at figuring out what to do next with S.

After filling up ourselves completely, we returned to my home, and watched a movie together. Specifically, The Impossible. He had no love for rom-coms, had watched other blockbusters before and so that was the logical pick left. What followed later would be the crux of my falling for him.

....to be dwelled upon in the next post.

Baiting and Biting

2013-04-02T17:34:00.001+08:00

A bug bit, and here I am.

There's not gonna be excuses for me not being around. I have none. This and all of these have been and shall be, products of a whim. A warning to those who know me. This time it's about me, and it's gonna be graphic.

Not so long ago, in a steam room not so far away at the fitness club I go to, I felt an exuberance of friskiness. It was one of those love-hate moments you get with yourself, where wave after wave of internal heat courses through your veins, and in my case, one of the larger ones down there. I might have let it pass as usual, but the pulses wouldn't stop. As fate would have it, I was alone in the steam room for all of 5 minutes. The crowd outside was mostly dressing up as it was a weekday. I had time to spare, and for all of 5 minutes I was determined to release the tension building down below with moistened hands.

Lo and behold, the steam room door slowly opens. I calmly hid my impatience under a bunched towel, because a well folded towel just doesn't sit well with me. A guy walks in. 30s, a little shorter and leaner than me, and glistening with sweat. Great. Divine intervention to tame the beast, I thought. I thought wrong.

It began subtly, one glance at me, one glance away. One glance again before his eyes sink a little lower to where it matters, and his hands a little closer to his inner thighs, where matters rose quickly. I am no stranger to the torrent of signals constantly streaming through the walls of the men's locker room, but I have also yet to take part in it, until today. I make eye contact, smirk, nod, and leave. A quick hop out and a flash of a shower later, I'm in the sauna, and there he was. His position strategic, his towel loosened, and his tension matching mine.

I sat to his right where he can reach me, but far enough to be out of sight. He has a view of oncoming traffic, but the rest of him is well hidden from public sight. The both of us removed our towels and kept our hands to ourselves at first. Shy, perhaps? The irony. He initiated. The both of us went at it like little kids having the time of their lives with their first experience of a thrilling video game, only with a larger joystick. Each stroke getting closer and closer to the highscore. Finally, without warning, he let go of me, stood up, faced me, aimed, and shot. He took a quick glance outside before sitting down to play with me. I appreciated the helping hand, very much.

I'll spare the boring details of cleaning up but rest assured, we both started our day right.

Dangerously Detailed,

D.

Kevin Wei

2012-11-25T15:01:00.000+08:00

I'm having the flu. It's pretty bad. I can't go to the gym. Or go out with friends..
But I sure as hell can post my last obsession that got me crazy downloading over the internet.

This is Kevin Wei. Taiwanese, an apparent fellow PLU, seemingly attached, appeared in a talk show once. I saw his profile while Facebook surfing (yes it's a thing to do) and voila! He loves taking pictures of himself (thank goodness cuz he's so bloody handsome and he knows it too).

Enjoy, my dear viewers.

Oh wait, did I mention, he plays the guitar? :)

What's hotter than a hot guy? A hot guitarist!! Damn I'd sooooo be a groupie and go backstage just to gargle his balls or something. I feel like such a slut. A slut with the flu. Ugh.

He plays with a famout DJ, in Taiwan, apparently. DJ F*Daniel. I wonder how one pronounces that name.

Anyways, enjoy a few more choice pics. I have stored many, MANY more of him. But they're of him clothed, guess you wouldn't be interested in those eh?

KevinWei the shredder!

Oh how he melts me with the Ukulele.

So, what else do we have in common apart from the love for hot pictures of him in the naked flesh? Bands. Rock bands. Like, we're talking Avenged Sevenfold and Green Day and Muse kinda stuff. I'm smitten.

Why~ why do you have to be attached~

Devastated,

Confessions

2012-11-09T22:45:00.002+08:00

Now that, is 2 hours I wholeheartedly gave to you, Mr Tetsuya Nakashima. One of the most entertaining and truthfully beautiful movies I've had the pleasure of enjoying in a very, very long time. Of course, it didn't hurt that I was high on cough syrup.

This blog has dwelled so far on the mortal issues of decadence and depravity. But delightfully, it sometimes discovers a devastatingly disturbing yet delicious piece on death and discord.

From time to time, I will share some pieces like this. Pieces that I somewhat find a personal affinity with.

Do enjoy.

Deviously yours,

D

Try a little Colt Prattes

2012-10-24T16:10:00.000+08:00

Ladies and gentleboys, if you have not seen Pink's latest music video of her latest single "Try", I implore you to feast your eyes now. Like, click below now.

Even YouTube picks the right screencap for the video. Colt Prattes is one perfect looking hunk being featured topless throughout the entire music video, and he perfectly matches Pink's athletic Apache dancing. The song was enjoyable, more emotional but not as addictive as "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" for me.

Quick googlebits:
1. He's engaged.
2. To a girl. Imagine my disinterest.
3. Danced since he was in high school.
4. Worship's Pink.......'s DILFy motorcycle racing hubby Carey Hart.
5. Should play the lead in 50 Shades, by popular Twitter opinion.

Enjoy.

Respite to Hiatus

2012-10-23T22:00:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time. Just to let the world know I'm still alive and kicking.

So for starters, why not a megapost of my latest obsession? Mr Alan Wan Ka Wai. Runner up of Mr Hong Kong, host of Mastersofood, weatherman, and just sexy as hell.

A Brief Respite

2011-11-10T00:32:00.002+08:00

Lately, things have been hectic to say the least.

So many plans, so much exercise, and progress too. I'm fitting in some shirts I never thought I would. And size 36 is now a loose size. :) yay yay yay!

These 2 months have given me many new friends, new experiences, new priorities and still opportunities to revel in my current lifestyle. But it's taking a toll, and I grow more and more tired each day. The good part is, I feel more and more satisfied too. :)

Long way more to go though, so I thought a short lil break from the world to clear my mind would be great.

That, and listening to the heart melting voice of Mr. Gerald Ko. I would so make out with him. Listen to him cover one of my favourite songs.

I'd like to make myself believe~

Have a great November, guys.

Needing, of Knowing, of Wanting.

2011-10-27T15:51:00.003+08:00

Got this off another dear blogger, Max.

This pic struck me, more than I would've liked. Perhaps I don't really know what I want.

Do you?

Are you clear and concise with your plans and choices that you make and can never veer off?

Or are you brash and reckless and live life on the edge not knowing what comes next?

I never pictured myself as the planning type but it seems that I've been 'arranging' a lot of occasions and events these months. Then again, I get little hits like this pic, and suddenly I feel like cancelling most of my plans.......... make sense?

Jiho Lee

2011-10-24T10:18:00.000+08:00

Random browsing has led me to this beauty. Is he the next up and coming Korean male supermodel?

Isn't as handsome as Mr. Choi Ho Jin, though. I should come up with a post of him one day. Mmmm. But meanwhile, Lee-jushii~ please make my Monday bearable!

Wish those were my hands on his face.

Love the budding 'stache. <3

Oh my...

Wouldn't you wanna wake up to this?

Beef Hunt

2011-10-20T19:08:00.000+08:00

It's the hunt for rare beef! .... or actually just posts of random guys I think are pretty damn hot but can't for the life of me identify.

Enjoy!

Intimacy

2011-10-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

Just wondering about the subject. How widely is it actually defined?

Like, if you meet up for sex, do you just fuck and go?

I tend to get rather intimate in bed. Lots of caressing, cuddling, kissing, touching etc. I enjoy that kind of foreplay. To the extent that I can go at it for quite a while.

I think it has to be that way. That when you're physically attracted to a guy, you'll feel the need to be intimate, and sex is just part of that intimacy.

Or is it? Maybe it's a separate thing for you. Opinions, people?

Typing Lol

2011-10-16T18:51:00.000+08:00

Expectations Vs Reality:

We're all guilty of it.
ALL OF US. That means you too. Don't deny it.

Love Sucks《爱很烂》 - 卢希安

2011-10-15T13:35:00.000+08:00

Mr Lu Xi An, is quite a tasty sight, if I may say so myself.

Formerly a gymnast and an alleged money boy, he's the lead actor in the gay-themed movie "Love Sucks". Scud, the director, has a penchant for double entendres and full frontal male nudity in his films, but more on him after the jump. I know you just wanna see this hottie of a lead.

Scud was born in mainland China amid the Great Culture Revolution, raised by his grandmother before moving to Hong Kong at 13. He devoted the next 20 years to a career of IT, and founded a public listed company. He then moved to Australia for a permanent residence. Realizing that he has fulfilled the dream of others but not his own, he returned to Hong Kong in 2005 to start Artwalker, wrote and made “City without Baseball” (2007), “Permanent Residence” (2008) and “Amphetamine” (2009).

... and I've watched all 3 of them. Hah.

Avengers, Assemble!

2011-10-12T16:03:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord/God/Allah/some deity out there who loves comics,

Thank you for making comic books a success. Thank you for making the geeks and nerds who grew up with them so successful, to put these comics in movie productions, and hire hot, hunky actors to play the seemingly impossibly macho superheroes we've all been inspired by for all these years.

Thank you for letting it come to this, an entire superhero team of hot hunks and a pretty girl.

Now I shall take leave and drool in peace.

Hot Media

2011-10-08T17:58:00.000+08:00

Sex Sells. Always has, always does.

I'm not sure if I approve of the recent encouragement of successful advertising by the showing of skin in 90210. A show for teens, mind you.... Oh who am I kidding. Please enjoy the very sexy Matt Lanter and his.... er... convincing acting as a drifting high school grad opening a bar and finding success with an ad made by his friend... ugh why am I watching this series again?

.....right. That's why. Now excuse me while I salivate.

Sticky Rice

2011-09-30T10:48:00.000+08:00

So, after my last post, I got 24 views yesterday! Wow. That's more views I've had in 2 months combined. ...

Anyways, let's move on to the next little change. No more D-vocabulary titles for me, if it's too difficult. So this post is D-free (i.e. only words beginning with D in my title).

Today, I share with you, the kind of man I like. That gets my juices flowing... if you know what I mean.

I am admittedly a sticky rice. To those unfamiliar with the term, rice refers to Asian men (while potato refers to white men, don't ask me about the other races). Sticky rice refers to Asian men who like Asian men. As I do.

I wouldn't turn away, say, Chris Hemsworth if he happens to walk into a gay bar offering me an apple martini, but you get the point.

On with the glorious pictures!

As you may have noticed by now, I like my men with a little more bulk on their build. I'd go on explaining why I like strong men who work hard getting where they are but that'd be a bore, wouldn't it? Please go on feasting your eyes. :)

On a closing note, It's been a week since I got down and dirty with someone. Could really use another dose right about now. *hunting mode*

Decisively Differentiating?

2011-09-29T10:10:00.000+08:00

Hey readers (hears echo of self)

So, I had been thinking about the whole idea of blogging. It would appear that, my life as a blog wouldn't be interesting, and the rambling of deeper, unending arguments of life may be interesting but not as captivating, but blogging about sex and the like, including pics or videos of hot men are, and will be, an evergreen pool of attraction, if not as interesting.

Hey, if I were to blog about the things I like, I might as well pick and choose and show the ones that people like too, no?

So here's to a blog that's a little more popular for me, and more attractive to you.

For starters, here's the Cosmo Bachelor Bash 2011 from the Philippines, which, in my humble (horny) opinion, showcases some of the most beautiful men any Cosmo ever shortlisted. So beautiful, it's unfair.

Some notable names are: Jake Cuenca <3, Aljur Abrenica, Fabio Ide, Daniel Matsunaga, Rocco Nacino, Brent Javier, Johnron Tañada, Enrique Gil, Enzo Pineda, Anton Del Rosario, Ejay Falcon, Hideo Muraoka, Ahron Villena, Paulo Avelino, Jommy Teotico, Manuel Chua Jr, Jose Sarasola, Rodjun Cruz.

OK. Nosebleed to death nao.

Donning The New Look

2011-09-02T14:59:00.000+08:00

Blogger has a new interface!

There's a certain Apple-esque zen-ness to this new look and feel.

Less clutter and frames and all that.

I like it. Not sure if it'll make me blog more, though.

Digging it,

D

Reality In Building

2011-08-27T13:04:00.000+08:00

Woke up late this morning and decided to finish up a movie I watched halfway through.

Inside Job - a telltale revelation of the causes, the key people and the extent of the destruction financial crises in recent years has caused.

It helped that Matt Damon was narrating. Once I got through to the part after Iceland's national disaster though, it was engrossing. Immersive.

I would take away but one quote from this film. Refined a little, from Chief Advisor Andrew Sheng of the China Banking Regulatory Commission.

"An engineer is an engineer. So why should a financial engineer get paid 4 to 100 times more than a civil engineer? A civil engineer builds bridges. A financial engineer builds dreams. When a bridge collapses, the builder pays to rebuild one. But when one dream turns the world into a nightmare, everyone else pays for it. Dearly."

Dreaming of Dreams,

D

New Old O.U.

2011-08-25T22:55:00.000+08:00

I just came home from the newly renovated old wing of 1U/OU (1Utama) shopping centre with mom and lil' bro.

After a heavy meal at Pasta Zanmai, which had quickly become my favourite place to dine, wherever they may be, we headed to scout the shops that have opened up. Most of them were the same, except for a few notably new outlets like Gadget Republic and Food Republic. I know. Naming conventions. Feh.

So on we went to the main tenant that got the facelift. Jusco. It really was just that. A facelift. As much as I approve of the new layout, it was pretty confusing since we had to relearn it. The sports section was pushed all the way to the lower ground, where the Arena food court remains (half of it anyway).

Bought my first pair of boxers. another pair of shorts for running (these were football shorts since they were the cheapest available without a lot of cotton), then went home.

Definitely will go back during the sales period again.

Definitely,

D

F - Fascinated. Fawning. Fiddlesticks

2011-08-22T21:56:00.000+08:00

I was invited to a gathering of sorts in a classy yet quaint little place called F in Bangsar.

It was a catching up session for most of the guys, and an introduction for me. It turns out, half of them were juniors from my secondary school. Juniors. Makes me feel old. Overall, the session was pretty awesome. I'm glad to see that some guys in this circle are so cultured.

But I have to admit... I didn't simply join the gathering for what it is. I simply liked the company of a certain someone. Don't think he notices...yet. I think I've gotten really good at hiding my feelings.

Dunno what to Do,
D

Spirit of the Season

2011-08-12T10:19:00.000+08:00

8TV Ramadan PSA TV Ads Insulting Chinese Malaysia 2011

I truly wish my dear Muslimin & Muslimat a happy Aidilfitri, but the video above really crushed the spirit of this holiday.

Disgusted,

D

Age Old

2011-08-07T21:49:00.000+08:00

Just after I was done with the weekly badminton session with the old friends, they got to talk about an issue. Marriage.

I'm 25 going on 26. The trend among my peers is that people are either getting married, married already, or single. Those that are dating seem to be reducing in number. One of my friends is having such an experience. He's beengiven the passive aggressive treatment by his girlfriend, who wants to get married. He, on the other hand, doesn't want to, just yet. Citing the usual, money, careers and generally the young adult life comes first for him. But he does feel guilty for holding up the marriage. They have been together for quite a few years.

I can't help but wonder what the standard time/age it is for couples to get married. The word that goes around is before 30 for girls, and just about that age for guys. Biologically, it makes sense for the girls, supposedly because it's riskier to have children at an older age, assuming the girl wants kids in the first place.

The issue has eluded me for years, and has now been buried. My parents even spout single line excuses to people who ask. It's as if they know I'm not interested in anyone just yet...and possibly in the future. Anyone that the extended family will readily approve, that is.

A part of me is glad that I don't have to worry about the issue of marriage. Another part of me wishes I had these set of common problems instead of my existing closet of skeletons.

I'm sure many have discussed this before. So here's something a little more specific to ponder: When, if ever, do you want to get married? Should everyone be held against a standard age for marriage?

I feel that many people now get married because they need to. It's no wonder why half of all marriages end in divorce. Life shouldn't be so miserable. So... mechanical, that our sole purpose of being born is to propagate our lineage and keep our bloodlines in check. (Note: at this rate, Chinese people will take over the world.)

Lost, and maybe in Denial,

D

Not So Golden Screened Cinema

2011-08-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

I just returned from the cinema. I had planned to watch The Hangover Part 2.

We were in the cinema when it first happened. The standard GSC animated feature was playing but the sound stopped halfway. It was a bad omen, but we brushed it off. When the movie was about 80% done (I checked the time) the sound completely died off. Then the screen flickered. Then it died. It was pitch black.

All of this happened in a few minutes and there was no outrage. I wasn't sure to be proud or disgusted by the apathetic audience. Sure, there were little whimpers of "aiya" or "wtf" and a slight hint of "refund, refund". The four of us, on my cue, simply stood up and left.

We got our refund, of course. That makes it 2 unique consumer experiences of mine with GSC. The first one was a wrongdoing on my part. Cheap trick gone wrong. I'll tell if you ask.

Now, I'd like to enjoy the rest of my weekend on a slower pace.