Becoming a Domestic Goddess...

Too Funny...

2011-04-29T21:56:00.001-07:00

Let's lighten things up a bit after that last post and enjoy some comedic relief from the mouths of my children...

As is common with an almost 3 yr old we are easing into potty training. The other day as Em sat on the pot things weren't....shall we say "working out"?....the way she wanted them to. She looked at me and said in frustration, "It's not working Mom....The batteries are out in my butt!" Such a little lady!

One day I was watching a show on TLC about high risk pregnancies. Thomas came into the room as they were talking about doing an ultrasound to see if the baby was breach. He turned to me puzzled and asked, "They need to check if the baby is British?"

So the other night we get in the car and I lost my patience with T after he had asked about something for the 5th or 6th time. There was definite tension in the car as the blow-up settled around us and silence ensued. From the backseat Emilia pipes up and says, "Thomas, I'm going to laugh at you...HAHAHA!" Then after a pause she morosely says, "Sorry, Thomas." Of course we all busted up laughing to which she responded, "Ummm...Mom? What happened?"

One night in Target near Christmas I had all three kids with me and was feeling extremely frazzled. As I was trying to breathe deeply in order to prevent either a blow-up or tears Thomas said excitedly, "Look! There's the Christmas trees!" Then without missing a beat Madison answered in a high squeaky voice, "That's not a Christmas tree boy...that's just an illusion!"

Man I love that my kids have great senses of humor!

Loves!-M

Crazy is as Crazy does...

2011-04-26T11:58:00.001-07:00

Well I took the blog private for a while as some of you probably saw. I honestly don't know if anybody will still think to check back and see if I'm here. If not, that's ok. But lately I've had the urge to write, so here I sit again staring at this screen and it fills me with a little anxiety. I always feel like I have to entertain. I have to be wittier and have better pictures and funnier stories. I feel this responsibility to entertain which is silly because this is my family journal, my personal journal (as personal as a blog can be...ha!) and it's really just supposed to be a place to write my thoughts and feelings and memories down and figure out my everyday life right?

Anyway, lately I feel this need to change. If we're being honest here...I really don't like myself much. Now don't get me wrong. I think I'm basically a good person. I try to be kind, I love my family, I try not to break any laws, I like small fluffy animals and rainbows and unicorns. But deep at the heart of it all there's something there that whispers that I can do more, be more.

I think we've talked about this before, you and I, but anyway...For years I have been plagued by clinical depression. I've been on happy pills for most of our marriage and it's really never bothered me to have to take a pill to be happy until now. A diabetic takes insulin, I take Happy Pills. Now that Matt is self employed we have somewhat crappy insurance. Now my magic pills cost $308.00/mo. Yes, you read that right. Every month when I go in to refill my prescription the Pharmacist looks at me and asks, "Do you have any insurance to help with this?!" I say, "Yes but we're self employed so it's limited." I inform him that because I take the meds for depression our ins. won't cover them because what? Depression is all in my head? Ha. K, I guess it is...not what I meant. It's just not a real ailment apparently. Yeah, don't get me started. Anyhoo, then the poor man looks at me terribly sympathetically and informs me of the price to which I smile, because it's not his fault that it costs so much, and I swipe my card. While my purchase is being approved by the debit card gods in the card machine he asks if I have tried anything else to which I answer, "I've tried everything else." Even then I feel a need to please, to smooth it over for him so that he doesn't feel bad charging me. Here's the deal though, I really have tried everything else. This is like the 10th form of antidepressant that I've tried. This is it, the last straw before I have to look for other options. Stronger meds with stronger side effects that have to be doled out by specialists because my little brain just wouldn't soak up the "normal" stuff. Now add in the fact that I was also diagnosed with ADD this past year (which looking back has effected everything for as long as I can remember-and no it's not ADHD although maybe I'd benefit from some hyperactivity to light a fire under me!) and I have an almost comical difficulty getting anything productive done at all!

So back to the happy pills-I've been looking for alternatives. The soft-spoken woman at the natural foods store suggested that I start taking the homeopathic anxiety pills that Madison takes along with St. John's Wart. It worked for her she tells me, so that's what I'm trying now. Granted it will still be around $100.00/mo. for the homeopathic route but that's better than $300 and I sure won't miss the side effects or withdrawal symptoms when I run out for a day or two. So far it seems to working. I'm taking 1 of my reg meds a day instead of 2 now and the new stuff seems to be picking up the slack. I'm throwing some L-Tyrazine in there for the ADD and it's some days I'm starting to actually feel a little focused. We'll see... I'm also looking into nutrition and other aggravators (Diet Coke and sugar???).

Why did I go off into a tangent on depression and ADD? Well because in my world, they affect everything. They're the voices in my head telling me all day long that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not organized enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, not funny enough....you name it, I'm not enough. But lately, I've gotten a little tired of those voices. I've gotten tired of being tired-mentally and physically. When you're depressed and/or have ADD it's really easy to stay in bed all day and sleep because that way you don't have to acknowledge that it all got too overwhelming and you dropped the ball once again and nothing got done. The laundry is still in a heap on the laundry room floor, the dishes are still stacked in the kitchen sink and the housekeeping fairies didn't come vacuum while I slumbered. Some days just waking up at some point feels like a chore by itself!

I've had people tell me that if I hadn't have told them about it that they would never have known that I suffer from depression. I'm good at putting on a happy face when others are around. Who wants to be known as Debbie Downer ya know? But here, in my home I'm just me, craziness and all.

Know who I want to be? I want to be the homemaker that gets out of bed in the morning and fills optimistic about the day. I want to have the motivation and energy to accomplish things. I want there to be clean undies for everyone and no signs of 3 day old syrup dried on the table. I want to go to a parent/teacher conference without feeling guilty because I have not been on top of things enough, again, to make sure that homework got done. I want my kids to ask, "what's for dinner?" and not get excited just because it doesn't come from a drive-thru window or was made by just adding water. I want my husband to come home to clean bathrooms and clean towels and a wife who still has some enthusiasm left for him. I want to remember things and be able to focus on a task and actually complete it and not have to take 2 "brain health" days off for every one day that I'm productive. I want to be able to handle my home and family and some other projects/callings/hobbies/whatever. Right now anything outside of the basics feels basically impossible. Add in the fact that Matt's schedule right now is CUH-RAZY and it's the perfect storm for insanity!

I know, I know, Debbie Downer right? But back to the beginning of this rambling post. There's that little voice that's telling me that I'm tired of just surfing this exhausting "mental illness" wave and it's time to find my mojo. You've heard that saying, "Ain't nobody happy if Mama ain't happy!"? Well it's true. I feel like my own insanity just causes more chaos in our home. I want them to feel like I've got it under control (well, most of the time anyway!).

So I suppose that the whole point of this is to think out loud. There will be posts coming about new systems, both for me and my family, new habits that will hopefully make our family's daily life make a little more sense (along with a few more rants as well!). I'm reading books about overcoming and living with ADD/Depression and hopefully these new homeopathic meds will do the job too so that I can put the money saved on them towards dinners that require more than just some added water! Although, you know my friends at McDonalds are really gonna miss my bright sparkling personality if I'm no longer a regular. I'm just sayin'........

Loves!-M

Motherhood

2011-04-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

From Mother to Daughter: Shared Wisdom from the Heart: "Start now to be the kind of mother you always wanted to be. Don't wait until she's eighteen...Keep in mind that all she wants to be doing--for the greatest part of her young life--is what you're doing."

Remembering...

2011-04-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

Back when Em was around 3 or 4 weeks old she got a cold. The kind of cold where you could just see it in her her eyes that she didn't feel good at all. She looked so miserable as she tried to breathe through her little button nose that was all stuffed up and yet leaking like a faucet at the same time. When they're that young it's tough to really do much to make them feel better. She had gotten out of the hospital after having meningitis just a couple weeks earlier and I was feeling so bad for all that I had put her through and now she was miserable with a cold too! As I laid on the couch with her sleeping on my chest, hoping that if she was propped up that way it would help her rest more comfortably, Matt said to me, "She is so lucky to have you ya know. She loves you so much right now. No one else could comfort her right now like you can." In that moment I felt like the most important person in the world. I felt like no one could take my place and that I was a success as a mother. That moment was and still is sacred to me. I still think of what he said every so often and try to remind myself that even if I'm not a perfect mother, I am exactly what my kids need and no one can take my place in their lives...

Tales of a Monday Without My Happy Pills...

2011-01-26T12:10:00.001-08:00

Monday was a bad day. Well, actually the last two weeks worth of Mondays have been bad ones. It was a combination of injuring my back twice in those two weeks, disappointment that I don't get to go see my sister (yet) like I had been planning to next week, and the housework closing in on me that I couldn't seem to find the motivation to dive into. It's amazing how much stacks up around you when you are pretty much out of commission for two weeks! My poor hubs did his best to pick up my slack but he works pretty long days so there just wasn't enough hours in each day to get it all done. The kids helped too but in all honesty I didn't make them help with the housework as much as I should of, instead relying on them more to lift and entertain Em when she was needy.

I've felt the funk settling around me for the last week but when I woke up yesterday and felt the fog, the world spinning because I didn't have a "happy pill" to take the night before, I knew that it was gonna be a doozy of a day. Every time I moved my head the world spun around me. Every time the world spun so did my stomach. I cursed the fact that I even have to take the stupid pills in order to be "normal" and that once again I didn't refill it in time to avoid this part of the process. The withdrawal effects strike fast and furious when I miss one and when I finally get some after refilling my prescription I'm like a junkie tearing into the bag, ripping off the bottle's child-proof cap and downing the capsule in one gulp while savoring the relief that the constant feeling of motion sickness will hopefully soon abate.

Em and I headed to the pharmacy, then straight back home where and I surveyed the mess that surrounded me downstairs, opting instead to trudge upstairs and collapse into the rocking chair in her room. I didn't have the energy to keep my breakfast down while doing dishes let alone everything else. "Just make it to lunch and naptime," I told myself. I sat there watching her play, half-heartedly answering her questions and sampling her "creations" from her kitchen while feeling like I was only partially there, not really focused on anything at all. Somewhere in there an hour or two passed and at last it was lunch time. Chicken and Stars soup was served and at last, bless-ed naptime arrived. I tucked her in with a stuffed giraffe snuggled up to each shoulder and whispered, "I love you..." then snuck out the door. 30 seconds later I was in bed willing the world to please stop spinning. It was so frustrating to finally have my back feel good enough to actually get something done but I was too dizzy to conquer any of the housework calling my name!

I awoke at 4 and immediately groaned knowing that I had let the munchkin sleep way too long and that meant she would be up until 10:00 that night. I realized that the world had stopped it's constant spinning and that if I was careful about how fast I turned my head I could control the somewhat lessened sense of motion sickness (was that even correct grammar? hmmm...). The rest of the day went by at a snails pace. The kids came home from school. Arguments were had, chores were done. Dinner was leftovers cause standing long enough to cook actual food was just too much. Most of my mothering was done from the couch that night though I did trudge up the stairs around 8:30 to tuck the two older ones in bed with the still hyper toddler at my heels.

Thomas asked me to lay with him for a few minutes, he usually does, and I laid there and tried to be present as we discussed his day amidst being jumped on repeatedly by Em. At one point during the conversation T told me that I am the best mom in the world. "If he only knew...," I remember thinking. Of course, I was also very thankful for a little boy who loves me in spite of my.....insanity? Tucking Madison in came next and her beautiful smile as she hugged me goodnight and told me she loved me was such a welcome sight after that long day.

Matt came home sometime later, around 9 I think, and made the mistake of asking how I was doing. Not my back or my withdrawal symptoms, he said, but me. Oy vey! I cried a little while I ate the peanut M&M's he had brought me (I know, he's a keeper) and poured out my woes that are always magnified by the fact that my drugs aren't pumping through my system in their usual fashion. We watched our recorded shows from the DVR and laughed at Em's antics as we counted down the minutes until she would go to bed too, needing some time to ourselves. Finally at 10:00 on the dot the munchkin was changed, given her sippy cup and escorted to bed where she asked to rock in the rocking chair. I obliged, singing her a song that I've known since I was her age, ending abruptly when I couldn't seem to pull the end of the third verse out of my still muddled brain. She yelled "goodnight" and "I love you" through her closed door no less than 5 times to each of us.

I was glad for mind-numbing T.V. that night. It meant I didn't have to think any real thoughts or put together any real sentences. Finally the day was over. I had fought through and won. Maybe not with flying colors, nothing really got done after all, but I had survived and so had my kids.....and on some days, as a mother (especially one who's run out of her "Happy Pills"!), that's all you can ask.

Yay Me!

2011-01-21T07:06:00.001-08:00

I am at the Dr.'s office right now waiting for a lumbar injection...yay me! Relief at last! Truthfully my back has gotten progressively better over the last few days but it's definitely not normal yet. I'm not looking forward to the actual large-needle-stuck-in-my-back part but I tell you, a day or two from now I will be a brand new woman! I never thought I would be so excited to clean and organize! Yay me!

*Update: Well it's done! I forget how long those darn needles are (about 5 in.-the typical epidural needle. Just lower in my back). I also forgot that I walk like I'm drunk for a little while after because my right leg feels heavier than my left due to the drugs that he puts in! Hee hee!*

Oh My Aching Back!

2011-01-19T16:34:00.001-08:00

**This post may bore anyone else that reads it but this is my journal so...**

I believe I have mentioned my back problems in the past. I figure that my kids hear, "I can't. My back hurts too much today." so often that I should probably write down the story of my back problems so that someday in therapy, while dealing with all of my parenting mistakes, they would have the information they need.

Back when I first got prego with Madison, when I was just starting to show, my back really started to hurt. There were a few times that it hurt so bad during the night, when my pregnant self would have to pee, that I literally crawled to the bathroom because it hurt too bad to walk and I was embarrassed to wake Matt up (who we all know has....ahem...interesting?....sleep habits) to help get me there. My back continued to hurt through the pregnancy, which ended with bed rest for the last 11 weeks of it which helped a bit, but the 65 lbs. I gained in baby and especially water weight due to preeclapsia didn't. Then, after the pregnancy, the pain (along with most of the weight thankfully!) seemed to resolve itself except for the occasional ache here and there.

Then 2 years later, I got prego with Thomas and the back aches came back with a vengeance, this time towards the end of my pregnancy. After I had him the aches stuck around and by the time he was around 2 or so the aches turn into debilitating pain. I couldn't lift him. I couldn't stand for too long or walk too far. I couldn't get the housework done that I needed to. It hurt even if I sneezed or coughed!

I went to a chiropractor who worked on me a few times a week for a while and when that didn't improve things she sent me for an MRI. When she got the films back, there it was in black and white. 2 bulging discs, degenerative disc disease and narrowing of my spinal column at the base. Bulging discs are usually caused by some sort of accident or activities that cause repetitive bursts of pressure to the discs (i.e. gymnastics), none of which I had been involved in. My Dr. joked that I was 26 yrs. old but my back was 85! She continued to try to help me and it did get a little better but never really went away. She wanted me to undergo Spinal Decompression but it was $2800 and insurance wouldn't help. After a while I kind of just figured I was as good as I was gonna get and my Dr. basically said that she had done all she could for me so I just stopped going and figured I'd live with it.

Between then and getting pregnant with Em 5 years later I ended up finding a Dr. who was able to help me somewhat with epidural injections that would numb the pain for 6-8 months at a time. When we decided to have Emilia I got one right before I got pregnant and that did help but my back was still pretty sore towards the end of my pregnancy and my OB put me on bed rest for high blood pressure and my back, then delivered Em 4 weeks early when both problems seemed to just keep getting worse (not to mention Em was just getting too darn big in there!). I got the injections once or twice a year until they just stopped being as effective as they had previously been. The next step was surgery to shave the bulging portion off of my disc.

About a year ago I had laproscopic surgery to remove part of a bulging disk in my lower back. The surgery I ended up with only had a 50% chance of curing my back pain but had a significantly higher chance of curing the pain down my leg caused by the disk pressing on my sciatic nerve. So I went for it. It totally took care of my leg pain but my back continued to ache off and on. Aching I can handle. Aching was good compared to the debilitating pain that I had before.

Since the surgery I have aggravated my back once or twice and have had some soreness but nothing too serious.The biggest thing is just that it makes my back sore to vacuum, sweep and mop, and scrub the tubs. It's usually sore after cleaning up a really messy kitchen and doing the dishes too. Basically I just had to remember to only pick one back aggravating activity to do in one day. If I did more than one, I would be pretty sore for the rest of the day. In the last 6 months or so I've started to notice more incidences where my back would spasm painfully during which I wouldn't be able to stand, which was really embarrassing when it happened in front of anyone! Then 2 weeks ago I bent over to pick up a small laundry basket and the pain shot through my back. When this happens it makes my legs go weak and I sat on the floor for a little and did some stretches hoping that it would at least relieve the problem to a point that I could still function. It didn't. My back continued to hurt and I was pretty limited as to what I could do for the next 4 or 5 days. Then just as it was almost back to normal, this past Sunday night I bent over and was petting my neighbor's dog and it happened again but worse (luckily they were out of town and not there to witness the incident!). I went down on my knees in the garage and didn't know if I could stand back up. Matt was inside the house and I managed to get up and go in and we walked home slowly. Once we got home I bent to touch my toes, which stretches my back and in the past had helped to relieve some of the pain, when it happened again but worse still and I found myself once again down on my knees. Matt was brushing his teeth and I went down on the floor out of his sight so when he turned around I was gone. I heard him say, "Hellooooo?" and there I was crying on my knees on the floor out of his sight. Now that I think about it, it was kind of a funny moment!

Well since then I've gotten in to see my back doctor and he's pretty sure that I've reherniated my disc. NOT. COOL. He gave me anti-inflammatories and some pain meds to get me through while we wait for a pre-authorization from my insurance for another epidural injection. We have new insurance and because Matt is self-employed it is not a group plan and therefore has a $5000 deductible! It seems silly to have to get a pre-auth when my insurance isn't even going to pay for the $600 injection but I guess at least it starts to make a dent towards the deductible...Sigh.

Anyhoo, that's where I'm at now. My back's a little better than it was. Today I can wash both hands at the same time and lean forward when I put my mascara on. Last night I actually slept instead of being awake almost all night because it hurt too bad to lay down. I walked down the sidewalk to a friend's house today, about 4 houses down, and although I couldn't quite stand up all the way straight while walking, I made it there and back and that's an improvement from a few days ago! I'm extremely annoyed that I can't just bend down and pick up all the little things that get left all over the place each day with kids running around or throw in a load of laundry or do a simple load of dishes. I'm frustrated that Matt has to come home from a long day at work and pick up my slack. But my kids have done a wonderful job of serving me and they've learned some housekeeping skills too.

Really, it could be SO much worse and I am so thankful for my overall health. Right now it's a pain and sometimes I worry about what my future holds with this back of mine but for now I just thank my lucky stars that it's not something more serious and that I have a sweet husband who doesn't mind helping me get my PJ's on when it hurts too bad to do it myself!

Better Late than Never!

2011-01-17T11:43:00.001-08:00

I know I know...Christmas is SO OVER! But I took my little blog sabbatical over the Christmas holiday and didn't get to post pictures of my own Christmas decor to be recorded for posterity. So! I will now rewind time and pretend it is Christmas again because well, it's my blog and I can do that. Without further adieu....

This was our Family Room tree. I was fortunate enough this year to be able to buy a new tree and new ornaments and decided that I wanted something really fun for the kids. I went with a sweets theme and really liked how it turned out. The Baker Santa was my favorite find! He was perfect and I was sad to see him go when we packed everything up until next year...

I was ridiculously excited about my cute wrapping paper this year! It coordinated perfectly with my decorations and made me happy every time I looked at it. I am such. a. dork.

The mantel...

Above the entertainment center...

(P.S. I hate using my flash! Someday I will have a camera with a higher ISO and life will be good....)

I have to say that one of my other very favorite aspects of my sweets theme were the cupcake ornaments that I made. I had tried to find some that were already made but they were all either too expensive or not very cute. I took matters into my own hands and was pleasantly surprised by my results! They look good enough to eat right? RIGHT?!

I have to say, I loved my brightly colored sweets themed decor so much that I was sad to take it down. It felt so dreary to go back to my normal everyday decorations after having looked at bright sparkly ornaments everyday for so long.

We also have a tree in our Living Room. It's a giant 12 footer and to be completely honest...it's STILL UP! We painted Madison's room (as I mentioned in my last post) I've had some back issues (TWICE) and it's not lookin' like it's coming down anytime soon unless the hubster takes matters into his own hands or I get a back transplant STAT! **Please see apology at bottom** Anyway, back to the living room...

Not the best picture but you get the idea....

We got this nativity a couple of years ago at Costco and we get so many compliments on it! I always wanted a big beautiful nativity that my kids would grow up seeing each year. Hopefully they think of the true meaning of Christmas at least a couple of times each year when they look at it.

I also have a smaller skinnier tree up in the hallway that the kids got to decorate on their own this year and forgot to take a picture of it....darn! The each have a smaller tree in their rooms that they bought with their own money last year. We take Christmas very seriously around here...can you tell?!

**I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize for any embarrassment I may have caused to my neighbors and or husband due to my rogue tree still being visible through my front window. Please except my humblest of apologies regarding this matter and know that as soon as I am physically (...and mentally? Don't hold your breath!) able, I will see to it that said tree is removed and stored away. I do however think that it might be cute to just add some shiny red heart ornaments and leave it up until Valentine's Day! The hubster however did not share my enthusiasm for the idea:( Anyway, until the day I finally do dis-assemble our 12 foot lighted monstrosity, please enjoy my efforts to keep the holidays alive! You're welcome. **

Spinning Plates...

2011-01-06T13:21:00.001-08:00

For Christmas my parents gave each of the older kids $50.00 to spend on whatever caught their fancy...SO GENEROUS! Thomas spent his on a laser tag gun set, some surprisingly good quality walkie talkies and a large Hex Bug. Madison decided to spend hers on sprucing up her room. Hmmm...whoever could she have gotten the decorating bug from? Not me I'm sure...hee hee. Anyway, she spent some money on a cute furry pillow for her bed and then decided to spend the rest on paint. Of course, if we're being really honest then I must confess that I've chipped in some extra money to the project. It was fun to go out for a GNO with her and buy her pillow and pick her paint colors. Her and Thomas have been busy painting away for the last two days and I have been shuttling them back and forth to Home Depot the last 3 days and also supervising the project trying to ensure the paint goes on the walls and nothing else.

While doing all this the house has fallen apart around me. The dishes just got done, like minutes ago, and the counters wiped off. As for the rest of the house? It looks like a bomb went off in pretty much every room. We are mostly out of groceries that would actually make a balanced, complete meal BUT after hanging at The Depot 3 times with 3 children repeatedly in the last week, I am fresh out of patience and energy to attempt the grocery store now. I have no idea what we're gonna eat for dinner tonight. Lunch isn't looking to promising either at this point and it should have been served two hours ago! I keep looking around and thinking of all of the other things that need to be cleaned and de-cluttered and organized around this place. None of it's gettin' done anytime soon!

But I keep reminding myself that I'm doing what's important. My kids are building skills and confidence. I am showing them that I believe in them, that I trust them with important projects. I am spending time with them that they will remember...and so will I. I am helping them complete a project that Madison and I have talked about doing for a long time. The proud smiles on their faces when they show me the progress they've made make it all worth the grinding halt that has come to the rest of the house. Yeah, this was a good idea. I'm glad we're doing it.

Now, about tonights dinner....is Behr paint non-toxic?

Kidding...just kidding!!!

Christmas Memory--30 second Santa Claus...

2011-01-03T17:53:00.001-08:00

To those who may still be reading my blog (thanks by the way!): I was reading posts back from the beginning of this blog and thought I'd repost this since we did just finish with Christmas. It made me laugh and yes, we did go to the mall this year! I'll be back soon, after having taken my blog sabbatical, but until then...enjoy!

Found this on SketchySantas.com and it seemed fitting...

Ok, so yesterday I had the brilliant idea that I would take the kids to see Santa. We see the same Santa at the same mall every year. I've always told my kids that this one is the REAL Santa and the rest are just helpers. So I go through all the trouble of throwing the little darlings in the car with the hopes of getting just one good pic of all three with Old St. Nick. Half way there I realize I forgot my camera. (Insert faux swear word!) We get there, meet my Mom and she tells me she brought her camera. Yeah! We hit the North Pole and there's no line! Yippee!!! HOWEVER-There is a sign that says no personal pics are allowed. WHAT!? But of course they would be happy to take them for me for the low price of $20.00 for 2 5x7's. I could get like, well, 20 5x7's for 20 bucks at Wal-Mart. Now call me old fashioned but how hard is it to just let a parent take a little snap shot of their crying baby on Chris Cringle's lap? So I tell the Kiddie Kandids' Chick dressed like an Elf no thanks and usher the kids in. Santa sits one older kid on each side (what's the use in subjecting The Pea to the age old toddler inflicted horror of the White Bearded One if I can't capture it for posterity) and in about 30 seconds flat asks them what they want, gets their answer and tells them he'll see what he can do, then moves them along with a story book. They leave a bit shell shocked to be honest. The Pirate turns to me and says, "That's it? That was boring!" I felt bad. They look forward for months and then don't even get the courtesy of being asked if they've been naughty or nice! Oh, and to top it all off? I was informed by The Princess that Santa had garlic breath! How about an after lunch candy cane Santa?

Next we move onto Things Remembered with my Mom to get a Christmas Ornament for my brother's baby and I proceed to tell The Pirate no less than 20 times to stop running around, stop hanging on me, stop playing chicken with the Christmas train that keeps driving laps around the mall corridors and most of all stop stretching his shirt over his knees and hopping around like a hobbit while I try to focus enough brain power on helping my Mom pick out the ornament and also keep The Pea entertained because she has now decided that she will not sit peacefully in her stroller like she usually does but instead wants to be held and is determined to touch ever shiny silver object on the counter top in front of her (whew!). Alas, we survive and bid the Things Remembered employee adeu. At this point, all though technically The Pirate does not deserve a ride on the Christmas train, I figure it will buy me a good 5-7 minutes of peace and I happily allow my very generous Mother to buy tickets for it. I place The Pea on the lap of The Princess, threaten The Pirate if he even thinks about standing up during the trip and remind them to keep their hands inside the ride at all times. I then wave giddily as they drive off. I proceed to spend the next 5 minutes taking deep cleansing breaths and dreaming of the darling pink dress I saw at Dillards (that I can't justify buying) that would look so cute on The Pea. Yeah so, 5 minutes goes REALLY fast!

So now I'm thinking I can still salvage the day with lunch. My kids LOVE eating at the mall. They always get The Village Pizzeria. Spaghetti for The Pirate and Ziti for The Princess. Throw in more bread sticks than any two children should consume in one meal and you've got a meal made in heaven! We get our food, sit down and I start cutting spaghetti. I think, "Hey, The Pirate never finishes his spaghetti. I'll give The Pea some and I won't have to spend more dough on something for her." The first three bites go well. Then she decides to help. You know the drill. You're trying to get the food to the toddlers mouth and a power struggle ensues. I tried to get the fork away before she could drop the contents and she decides to flip the thing and spaghetti splatters EVERYWHERE! She honestly looked like she had been in a food fight. It was all over her face, her clothes, in her eyes, and all over her stroller (where's the camera now?). I have to admit. I put my face in my hands and just sat for a minute. To cry or not to cry... You'd be proud, I didn't cry. I cleaned her up then went and stood in line for a ridiculously long time to get her a corn dog that she would eat roughly 3 bites of. Better have been some darn tasty bites! During all of this my sweet Mother had gone and got me lunch. I sat down to eat while listening to The Pirate ask for quarters repeatedly. I finally threatened to never give him another quarter as long as he lived (which at this point was looking like a mighty short time) and tried to enjoy my Charlie's Steakery. After a few minutes Grandma came to the rescue and gave them money for the carousel and the claw machine and I finished up my Chicken Philly.

By this time I was more than ready to go but my Mom offered ice cream and a sista needs ice cream at a time like this! The Pirate decided to pull out the spoiled rotten act and pout about the lack of Oreo ice cream cones at Dairy Queen but quickly apologized when faced with the alternative of no ice cream at all and gratefully accepted a vanilla cone. I didn't want to rush my Mom so I agreed to go to Bath and Body Works where she needed to buy a gift. Besides, if I ever needed aromatherapy today was the day! We were there about ten minutes and I think The Pirate had been told to get out of the middle of the teetering display shelves three times. He and The Princess had sprayed probably 5 different perfumes on themselves and The Pea was started a full scale meltdown. My poor Mom made her purchase and we hightailed it outta there!

Well, that was the end. We made our way to the car, hugged Grandma goodbye and I instructed them to get in the car through gritted teeth. The ride home was quiet. I think they were a teensy bit afraid of me. Hmmm...go figure.

Honestly, my kids are great kids-usually. What is it that brings out the worst in them sometimes? I admit, I did have a picture in my head of how I had wanted the day to go. But really? The Pirate is always some level of a spaz but this time he was in rare form. The Pea is famous for her peaceful disposition and willingness to happily sit in her stroller for long periods of time. Uh, not today. And The Princess hardly ever misbehaves out in public and even she had to be reprimanded a few times. I tell you, I shoulda dragged those 3 back to Santa at the end of that trip and demanded he ask the naughty or nice question and then whipped out my personal camera and taken a pic of Mr. Bowl Full of Jelly right in front of Elf girl and let her do with that what she wanted!

I think next year we'll skip the mall...

My Boy Got Baptized!

2010-11-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

So a couple of Fridays ago I woke up to a sweet little face about 3 inches from mine asking, "Can you believe your baby boy is getting baptized tomorrow?!" It was my cute Thomas and he was beside himself with excitement over the fact that he would be baptized the next day. I had teased him a few weeks before, when he had turned 8, that I couldn't believe that my baby boy was growing up. It was too funny that he had actually remembered that!

The next day he literally jumped out of bed when I woke him up and said it was time to get ready. We ran around the house like crazy people (as usual) trying to get everyone ready on time. I made him pose for a few pics before we left.

We actually arrived at the Stake Center on time and Matt and T went to change into their very stylish jumpsuits. We had a lot of really wonderful family and friends who showed up to support T and it meant so much to us. Especially because my brother is living in India right now and my sister just moved so we were short by two families. It was really fun too to have so many of Thomas's good friends from our cul-de-sac there for him. We really are so blessed to have such a fabulous group of families with young kids around us! Even Nikki came from Idaho! T's best friend/cousin Jordan was brave enough to give a talk on Baptism and his Grandma Elaine was kind enough to give a talk on the Holy Ghost having been asked to do so by T a few weeks ago. Matt's talented sister Tara played the piano for us and my mom and I gave the opening and closing prayers at T's request.

One of the best parts of the event outside of the baptism itself was when Madison played a piano solo of "When I Am Baptized". She did so good! She has always hated performing and would have anxiety attacks when she was put on the spot. Now that she has gotten more confident in her piano playing it has given her more confidence all around and she was able to get up at that piano and play beautifully....I WAS SO PROUD!

Seeing T get baptized was so great! I always feel the spirit so strongly when I watch one of my kids willingly make the decision to do something they know is right. The Grandpas acted as witnesses to make sure all ten toes and every strawberry-blonde strand of hair stayed under the water. Matt confirmed him, giving him a beautiful blessing, and he was OFFICIAL!

After the baptism we went to Olive Garden with our families (except for Jordan's family because he had a big football game he had to play in...and he WON!!! Go Jordan!!!!). Thomas had been looking forward to lunch almost as much as the baptism itself! He loves their breadsticks and he is obsessed with their fries! That's right. French fries. At Olive Garden...don't ask. When we sat down at our table I put Emilia in the high chair which highly offended her! She spent the next 15 minutes looking down at her lap with a fat pouty lip but her pride wouldn't let her cry in front of all of those people...hilarious!

The day turned out really great and at the end of it all I was a little sad that it was all over. I missed our family members and friends who couldn't be with us but I was so thankful for those who could.

Well, another milestone's passed and before I know it my baby boy will be going on a mission. First we gotta get him to eat something other than chicken fingers and fries though or he's never gonna survive! One milestone at a time...

My Favorite Things...

2010-11-14T11:49:00.001-08:00

Just for laughs...

Antidepressants and cold chocolate cake

Chilled Diet Coke and meals I didn't make

Big shiny gems on my cute silver rings

These are a few of my favorite things...

Cheese on my fries and a dark shade of red

Reading a book before going to bed

A really hot guy on the White Collar series

These are a few of my favorite things...

When the kids fight

And when Matt's right

I get really mad!

I'll simply remember my favorite things

And then I won't feel...

So bad!

P.S. I love you honey-not my favorite criminal...don't worry!

But ya gotta admit...he is kinda cute!

The Flu Strikes Again!

2010-11-10T12:15:00.001-08:00

So I mentioned in my previous post of emotional vomit that my kids have been sick right? Well it gets better! On Saturday night Em woke up with a fever and when I took her to the InstaCare on Sunday morning, low and behold she had an ear infection...well of course she did! Then in the wee hours of Tuesday morning the flu bug that Madison has had hit ME! Yesterday was A.W.F.U.L. My wonderful mom came over and took care of Em for me and when she wasn't here helping, Matt and the older two picked up the slack. Today is better but I'm still not feeling great and I've got things to do! I don't have time for this! Honestly, I think that once us women receive "Mom Status" we should become immune to all illnesses!

P.S. Hopefully in the next few days I will get a real post up here for you! Until then enjoy this (with a tissue)...

The Gift Of An Ordinary Day from Katrina Kenison on Vimeo.

Yep, still here...

2010-11-05T19:17:00.001-07:00

I've had a few people ask me about my lack of posts lately so I figured I would get on here and let you know that, yes, I am still alive. I've been in a bit of a funk I think. My sister left and I miss her something fierce! My kids have been sick off and on, especially Madison and we have been trying to get to the bottom of what is causing her ongoing stomach pain. T is getting baptized tomorrow and I have been running around crazy-style trying to get everything we need for that and the invitations made and printed, then emailed out but never mailed because well, things were crazy. In the middle of everything I hurt my already painful back and that has slowed me down and made things harder. My sweet mom has helped me out SO MUCH this past week starting at a moments notice when I called and asked her to come get Em out of her crib after nap time because I literally could not stand up! *sigh*

It's funny how when a few things are stressful in life, it makes everything take on a negative feeling. I am discouraged that my back is once again making every day life harder and slower. The house falls apart because the simplest chores are painful and then I start to think about how unorganized I am and feel like a failed homemaker. I get frustrated and sad when I cannot help my child who is crying in pain in the middle of the night with stomach pain. I start to wonder if it is because, well honestly, I have not been the most diligent mother when it comes to teaching my children about nutrition and I worry that due to my negligence her stomach is suffering because I feed her too much junk. Then the paranoid side of me kicks in and I worry that it is something really serious that I am missing. Either way, I feel that I am failing as a mother. The feeling intensifies when I cannot pick up Em when she is begging me, "Carry you! Carry you!" at the store because my back hurts so bad and when T brings home his report card and I see that he is struggling with math and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is because I am not usually on top of him when it comes to homework and frequently just ignore it with all of the rest of the chaos going on each day after school.

When it comes to T getting baptized I have tried really hard to make sure everything is ready, from making invites (but not mailing them-FAIL) to buying him new dress shirts and ties to buying him a gift and making sure that we have a picture of him for display on the special day. Of course, then the guilt sets in because when Madison got baptized I was REALLY pregnant and miserable with Em and a lot of things fell through the cracks. We bought her a beautiful white dress but I didn't make invites. I didn't get her a gift because my pregnant brain didn't think about it. I forgot the camera and so I had to rely on others for pics and I wish I had the ones that I can see in my mind now. I guess I just don't want her to think that she is/was any less special...

Matt is planning on going to his Dad's house all day after the baptism to watch the day's BYU and Jazz games and instead of being excited for him to have a much deserved break and some time with his Dad, I got irritated and jealous that he was leaving for so long and I let it show when I responded in frustration to his plans. I know that he works SO HARD for our family and he really enjoys this season of sports each year and he totally deserves a fun break. Why can't I just be a good wife and be happy that he has the opportunity to relax for a little while?!

Have I mentioned that I ate Ben and Jerry's...TWICE...this week? How's that diet going you ask? Yeah.

That brings us back to this here blog. Each day I think about writing something and cannot think of anything that would actually interest anyone. I want it to be fun and inspiring and instead I feel so unorganized and discouraged so I just don't write anything.

Whew. Anyway, that's where I've been. Now that I have vomited it all over the screen I'm sure that ya'll will think twice next time you think about asking why I haven't posted in a while!

PITY PARTY FOR ONE is now CLOSED!

Concentration...

2010-10-11T11:34:00.001-07:00

Deck the Halls for Halloween...

2010-10-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

So I have to admit that I'm not a real fan of Halloween itself. It's always kind of creeped me out a bit. But I do love decorating for Halloween! Every year I look forward to pulling out the skulls and potions and witch wear...the only thing I don't like is the fake spider web that must cover the whole thing! It's a pain in the neck to work with but in the end it makes all the difference!

Here's what you see when you walk in to our home:

Here's a few close ups:

And the Family Room:

There you have it! I'm happy with how it turned out and most importantly it makes me happy to look at each day. It's funny though how much I love my decorations now while knowing that I will be completely sick of them and just itching to move onto Christmas decorating by the time Halloween actually rolls around!

P.S. I joined this post up with Show and Share Day over at Just a Girl and the Halloween Mantle Linky Party over at A-Z Go check them out!

Making Ghosties...(a tutorial)

2010-10-08T16:40:00.001-07:00

When I was in elementary school I remember making ghosts using cheesecloth and sugar water. I watched that little ghost yellow a little more each year until finally it found a new home in the city dump. This year I remembered my beloved ghostie and wanted to make one with my own kiddos. I found instructions for a version of them on the Family Fun website and was so excited! The other day we gathered everything we needed and went to town...

First we gathered aluminum foil, liquid starch, cheese cloth, various vases and bottles and a large bowl.

Next make balls of foil and attach them to the tops of the vases/bottles. They will form the heads and "hands" of the ghosts.

Cut cheesecloth into squares according to the size of ghosts you want...

Pour the starch into the bowl and soak the cheesecloth in the starch for a minute until fully saturated then wring out the cheesecloth...

then drape it over the foil topped containers in a ghostly shape...

Also, tuck some foil balls under the edges of the ghost to make it look "floaty" when it dries...

Take a break to play in starch and make funny faces...

Let ghosts dry for 4-5 hours (Family Fun said 24hrs. but we found that they were ready before that.)

And the big reveal (-drum roll please-)....

Ta-Da!

We still haven't decided whether to put faces on them or just leave them looking mysteriously faceless.

Well, there you have it! I love how they turned out and I hope that these ghosties will not yellow like my sugar water one did. If they do it's ok, this was easy enough to make every year!

Part 6...The End

2010-09-30T20:51:00.001-07:00

I know that there are those parents of babies who have had major health issues and have had extended stays in the hospital who are probably annoyed that I had such a hard time with a 10-14 day NICU stay, but I'll admit, it was really tough for me. I had not expected this at all and to have her with me one minute and then back in the hospital the next was such a shock to me. I've never been good with change and this was not how I had planned it!

For the next week or so the doctors went back and forth on whether she would have to stay for the 10 day round of antibiotics or the 14 day round. We went back and forth to the hospital trying to balance time with Em as well as the other two at home. For my birthday on July 8th we went to dinner before the hospital and the whole time we were eating I just wanted to go hold my baby. That day they also told us that it was looking like 14 days would be what she stayed for...Happy Birthday to me. The EEG had come back normal and the cultures had not grown out at all but the 3 other spinal taps that had been done (under sedation thank goodness) showed steady improvement in the quality of her spinal fluid. Still, it was frustrating to think that maybe it was not Meningitis after all and that her fluid had just been colored from the brain bleed, which had not caused any problems and would heal itself without intervention. At one point we had talked to our Pediatrician, whom we love so much and consider a good friend, and she also told us that if it was her child she would have done the same thing. Why couldn't we just get a straight answer from the NICU docs as to how they were so confident that it had really been Meningitis?!

Every time I kissed Em, put her back in that little hospital crib and walked away I cried. I knew she was in good hands and I knew that compared to the other babies in her NICU room she was the healthiest and I was so thankful for that. But it had taken me so long to actually decide to have another baby and I had been so excited for so long to meet her and the kids were so in love with her that to have her gone after being home for such a short time was really hard on our family. When I was home it felt like she didn't really exist and when I was with her I didn't want to let her go. There were moments when I was completely consumed with the need to hold her and she wasn't there. When I was with her I would rock her and look at her IV's and monitors and get frustrated that I couldn't just hold her or change her diaper without having to untangle her before and after. I would watch her sats religiously while I held her, tracking her heart beat and oxygen and learned which alarms were ok and which ones weren't. It seemed like I would always arrive just after they had bathed her and that would make me sad. Feeding her while I was there was always so exciting because it made me feel like I could finally do something for her. I would hold her and cry because I was so afraid that she wouldn't feel loved or bond with me like she needed too. Even then I knew logically that those were irrational fears but they were fears all the same.

The kids came up to visit her once during her stay and loved the Kids' Room where there were crafts and video games to entertain them while they took turns going to the NICU with Matt or I. They learned how to "scrub in" and how to be careful of tubes and wires while holding her. They loved the nurses and Madison even got to pick out clean bedding and make and decorate a name card for Em's bed. They thought it was exciting to eat in the cafeteria and took full advantage of being able to choose interesting combinations of food for dinner.

We had to learn infant CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver on a fake baby before they would let us take home the real thing. When Matt joked that he figured it would be more efficient to use his foot to pump the babies chest while doing CPR the nurse was not amused and I figured they may keep her for a while after that just to teach us a lesson! She also had to pass a carseat test that proved she would not quit breathing on the way home.

In the end she stayed for 10 days, not 14. I about threw a party when they called and said to bring the carseat when we came because she would be going home the next day instead of 4 days after that! Taking off the monitors and putting her in her little pink jammies with guitars and music notes on that Madison had picked out while I was pregnant was so fun. Saying goodbye and walking out of those NICU doors with my baby was like a dream. They told us to keep her away from too many public places and too many people for the next few months and then we were free! The last doctor that we talked to, the one who discharged her, really sat down with us and let us ask question after question without being condescending or rushed. She was wonderful. She was the one that finally told us that Em's chart had showed that her protein and sugar levels in her spinal fluid along with the color and white blood cells are what made a strong case that Meningitis was present. Nobody else had told us that....for 10 days!

I remember thinking to myself, while Em was in the hospital and I ached to hold her, that I would not take her for granted when she came home. I promised myself that I would enjoy every minute with her. I think I made pretty good on that promise, well until she turned two I guess! It's hard to remember on the hard days how much I just wanted her here whether she was difficult or not! But bad days or no I am so very thankful that she is here, that we didn't wake up to find that she had passed away without any warning. My heart hurts just thinking of that possibility! We will never really know if she had Meningitis since the bacteria never grew. She still twitched occasionally after we brought her home and even Matt finally got to see it one day and admitted that it was a bit worrisome. Thankfully she has no side effects from her ordeal. Blindness, deafness and mental retardation can all be caused by meningitis. She was a bit behind with her motor skills and had some sensory issues when she was about a year old (which are also frequently found in kids who have had Meningitis at some point in their early lives) but with therapy those things resolved and she is now actually ahead of the curve for her age. She knows her shapes, can count to 20, recognizes numbers 1-9 and is learning her colors. Of course, I'm pretty sure that she has learned all of these skills from Dora, Elmo and my Iphone apps but hey, I'll take it!

I'll confess, I still wonder sometimes if it was all for nothing. It was really tough to feel so alone with such a wedge between Matt and I, it was horrible to watch her suffer and well, we'll be paying the medical bills from those 10 days until she is in Kindergarten! But when I think of what life might have been like without her here it makes every penny we will shell out worth it.

P.S. Thanks for coming along for the ride...

Part 5...10-14 Days

2010-09-28T20:58:00.002-07:00

*I'm sure by now you are all wondering when/if this story will ever end. I'm sorry if my blog has become a bit boring as I reminisce and I promise that I will finish up soon. If you are not really interested in the rest of the story I won't mind if you dump me until next week when my regular blogging will resume. Thank you for your patience...*

The next morning I was woken up by Em's NICU nurse shortly before my phone alarm was set to go off. She had an update for me. I could feel how swollen my eyes were from crying and lack of sleep and hoped that I didn't look as bad as I thought I might. The nurse explained that Em was doing well and that they had started her on the IV antibiotics she would need for the meningitis. She told me that she no longer had a fever and was in fact having a hard time keeping her own body temperature up so they were going to keep her under a warmer until she overcame that obstacle. They had also put her on just a little oxygen as her sats kept going down. They were going to be doing an EEG later in the day to look for signs of seizure activity and the Neurologist was going to be coming by that morning to evaluate her. She mentioned that one of the other nurses had mentioned around 7:00 that morning that they were surprised that I hadn't come to check on my baby yet and she had informed them that I had not gotten to bed until 5:30am and needed some sleep. Man I was grateful!

After she left I went into the bathroom to inspect my appearance and oh boy...scary! My eyes were so swollen and my skin was blotchy. My hair was a mess and if I am really honest, I really needed a shower! I went out to the room's fridge and pulled out a couple of cold juice cans and laid down with them on my eyes. I sat there for a while and then called Matt to let him know that we were in the NICU and that I needed some toiletries brought up before I could, in good conscience, face the outside world.

When Matt arrived I gave myself a sponge-bath of sorts in the bathroom, requested a couple of rubber bands from the receptionist which enabled me to make pigtails out of my disheveled hair (luckily I had also worn a hat the night before so that went back on too) and I brushed my teeth. It's amazing how just doing a few simple things makes a person feel a little more centered in a stressful situation.

When we were ready to go see Em we were instructed as to how to properly "scrub in" for the NICU and then we were taken back to her little heated crib still in the quarantine area. She was about the same as she had been when I had kissed her goodnight in the early morning hours and it was wonderful just to touch her little toes again. Shortly after we made it to her bedside the neurologist came in along with a social worker. The social worker sat down by me and informed me that she was there in case I needed to talk about the situation with her. She told me that she had been informed that I was having a really rough time with all that had happened and wanted to know why I felt I was having such a hard time with it. I told her that I was ok, just worried about my baby, and of course....I started to cry. What I really wanted to tell her was that of course I was having a "rough time"! I was worried about Em, I felt terrible about all she had been through and I felt completely alone in the situation and to top it all off I was post-prego hormonal!

Anyhoo, the Neuro came in and examined Em and a very strange thing happened. Every time she would stroke the right side of Em's head her whole body would twitch. The Dr. said it wasn't normal but that she couldn't explain it. She said to go ahead with the EEG and that this new twitching could be from the meningitis as well because the infection could be irritating her nervous system making her extremely sensitive to touch. She told us that Em would be in the NICU for the next 10-14 days on antibiotics. What?! We thought they would give her a prescription and send us home later in the day. Matt questioned the Dr. again as to why she even needed to be there if her cultures had not grown out at all. The Neuro was rather condescending to Matt and essentially gave him an "I'm the doctor so don't question me..." kind of answer which didn't make matters any better for Matt. The nurses all assured us that she wouldn't be going anywhere for a while and that I should go home and get some sleep. We left the hospital with Matt more frustrated than the night before and me walking away from my baby with more tears running down my cheeks.

Driving home was one of those experiences where you try your hardest to stay awake and wonder how you got there when you pull into the garage. When I got home I took a much needed shower and fell into a much needed sleep. When I woke up a few hours later it occurred to me that it was July 4th. The other two kids had been at my SIL's house (bless her!!!) since that morning and I knew that they would come home excited for fireworks. I knew that we would have our annual cul-de-sac 4th of July party and everyone would be eager to see the baby...who wouldn't be there. There would be questions and I would have to answer them, hopefully without crying, while all I wanted to do was show off my beautiful new baby. The night was better than I thought it would be and we actually didn't end up going back up to the hospital that day and just enjoyed the holiday festivities with the older two while knowing that our baby was in good hands. It was hard on Madison not having Em around since she was already completely in love with her and had waited so eagerly for her arrival. Obviously nothing had gone quite the way she had imagined it would since the minute her new sister had been born!

Oh and P.S. - How cute is my sweet daughter for highjacking my blog to tell me that she loves me?! I love you too sweetie!

He He

2010-09-27T20:05:00.001-07:00

So mom you are pretty darn awesome and so i thought i would hack into your blog and do a post about how awesome you are. (I got the idea from 'The power of kids') So my mom here is awesome. love you mommy!

Part 4...The NICU

2010-09-26T21:12:00.001-07:00

After Matt left I sat for quite a while wondering if Em and I had been forgotten about. A nurse came in to take Em's temperature and found that she had developed a slight fever. She left and we waited some more, me trying not to fall asleep on the chair and Em sleeping in her car seat hooked to her stroller with an oxygen mask lying on her chest to give her just a bit of extra help and an IV pole off to her side. After a while another doctor came in to make sure that I had received Em's test results and see if I had any questions. We talked for a minute and I started crying and she asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was just still unsure as to whether I had done the right thing bringing Em in and making her go through all of this. I explained that Matt was NOT happy with the situation and didn't think that she needed to be there and I just felt like I had let my baby and my husband down. She was so sweet. She sat down next to me and put her arm around me and told me that I had done the right thing. She told me that in newborns this young that sometimes the first indication that anything was wrong was finding them dead in their crib. I wish it had put my worries that I had brought her there for nothing to rest but it didn't. It was nice to hear her say that I had done the right thing though.

Finally, around 4:00am a nurse came in and told me that they were sorry that I had had to wait so long, that there had been a few traumas in a row that had come in but now that things had died down they were ready to admit Em to the NICU. I hadn't realized that she was sick enough for the NICU so this just worried me more. The nurse told me that hospital policy states that all patients have to be transported on a bed so I took Em out of her seat and placed her on the gurney as another nurse came in and strapped her to the bed. She looked so tiny on that big rolling bed! I followed behind with the stroller as the nurses pushed the bed through the halls, into then out of the elevator, and through the NICU doors. As we entered the NICU area I was told that I would have to wait for them to register her into their system and give her an initial exam before I could be with her. I took a seat on a wooden bench and watched them roll her away and out of my sight.

It was so quiet there in the hall. I looked around at the pictures on the walls, they were of the babies who had come and go from the NICU. The bench I sat on wore a plaque stating that it had been donated by a family in memory of their little girl. As I sat watching the seconds tick by on a clock and wondering what was happening with Em I saw one of the nurses that had wheeled her up there come out of the exam rooms and start talking to the NICU receptionist. I heard him tell her that one of the traumas that had come into the ER that night was a 4-year old boy that had been hit by a car and bled out. There was nothing they could do for him. I remember in that moment feeling such gratitude that my baby was alive and such sorrow for that little boy's parents. Someone had lost their child that night while I sat just doors away from them wondering what was taking so long. It was heartbreaking.

Soon enough the NICU nurse came to get me and took me back to Em's bed. She explained that Em would be in that bed for 24 hrs as a sort of quarantine and then she would be moved to a proper NICU bed in a room with 5 other babies. I looked at her laying there in just her diaper with tubes and monitors and oxygen and I thought of how sick she was and how much she had been through and how mad Matt was at me and I remember feeling so lonely and so exhausted. I held her little hand and let the tears flow. They assured me that at this point she was very stable and that I should get some rest. The clock now read 5:30am. They showed me to a Family Room where families would stay with their special needs babies to practice taking care of them before they were allowed to go home. It had a pull out couch, a TV, a small fridge and a bathroom. The sweet nurse made up the bed for me and told me that Em was in good hands and not to worry about her.

Here's where it get's kinda funny (and a little embarrassing but it's part of the story so...). Remember, I had thought that we would be going back home that night and had only packed a small diaper bag for Em and nothing for myself. I was still, ahem, bleeding at this point from giving birth and my milk was coming in and was getting to the leaky painful stage. I had no feminine products or breast pads. I rifled through the diaper bag and came up with nothin' in the way of back up so I did the only thing I could think of, I used one of Em's little diapers as a pad and then folded up some paper towels to use as breast pads. Even I laughed about that!

After that was all taken care of and I had prayed for my baby girl I crawled into bed and the tears started again. By this point I was surprised that I had any tears left! I set my phone alarm for 3 hours from then and cried myself to sleep...

Part 3...Meningitis

2010-09-23T11:53:00.001-07:00

**Disclaimer: The following section of the story is very honest. It does not paint a very pretty picture of my sweet husband and I during a stressful situation. Before I decided how honest I would be I talked to Matt and asked his opinion. He told me to write it how it happened and I have. It's actually quite therapeutic for me to write about this I've decided and I am thankful that I have a husband that is ok with me writing our "true story" so that one day we'll remember the good and the bad and our kids will see that we made it through it all!**

*Oh and the computer tantrum continues so I'm not sure if there will be pictures for the rest of the story...dangit!*

The chocolate cake was gone, the tears had subsided for a minute and it was time to go back to the ER waiting room to see how my baby girl had faired. It was about that time that Matt called. He had finally gotten into his truck and had driven down the canyon and had seen my repeated attempts to call him. "What's up?" He questioned? I told him where we were and what had transpired to far. I told him that the first round of tests had come back normal and that she had then needed a CT scan and a spinal tap. He was shocked that so much had happened in his absence. He had left that morning with Thomas thinking that all was well. That his new baby girl was pretty darn healthy and now she was in the ER having painful tests. He was not happy that I had let them do the spinal tap but I told him that I could not get a hold of him before they did it and that I had just wanted what was best for her. He hadn't really seen one of her "twitchy" episodes and he was mad because he felt like I had waited until he left and then conspired with my sister (have I mentioned we're co-dependent?) and our paranoia had fed off of each others' until we decided that something must be wrong. I tried to assure him that Amber had had nothing to do with the situation and that I had brought Em to the hospital under the pediatrician's direction. He was still mad. He said he would be up as soon as he found somewhere for T to go and could find a neighbor to come up and help give Em a blessing. I hung up the phone and the tears started all over again. Now my baby was sick, I had put her through a very painful test that I wasn't sure she needed and my husband was mad at me....good times.

At this point it was about 10:30 at night and we had arrived around 8. Madison, my sis and I sat down in the waiting room and shortly thereafter a nurse came out to talk to us about how the test had gone. I bawled while he told me that she had done well in the CT scan and that although she was not happy during the spinal tap, she was calm now and I could go back to see her. When I got back to the room, there she was wrapped in a blanket with red puffy eyes and splotchy skin that I knew had been caused by heavy crying. I picked her up and rocked her and I cried some more. Us girls sat and waited for Matt and the test results, with me not sure of which one I hoped would arrive first. Turns out it was Matt.

Matt walked in with our neighbor and good friend Sam and told me that another neighbor had let T stay with them (thank heavens for neighbors). The guys sat and visited for awhile and then anointed and blessed Em that she would heal completely from whatever infection she had and that she would be comforted through the procedures she was going through. Then we all waited.....and waited....and waited....

Around midnight Sam offered to take Madison and Amber home for us since they were getting tired and I was left with my unhappy husband to await the test results that still hadn't come (why do things in ER's take so blasted long?!). At some point they moved us to another room so that they could have the resuscitation room for a trauma that was coming in and again we waited.

After a while a doctor came in with the results which showed that Em had a small brain bleed which he said could have just been from delivery and that her spinal fluid had been a dark cloudy yellowish brown color instead of being clear as it should be. He said that her spinal fluid had a higher level of white blood cells than it should (normal being none) and that indicated an infection also. He told us that at this point they were pretty sure that she had meningitis and that she was a very sick little girl. I, of course, started crying again. He told us that they would start her on medicine as a precaution and then wait for her samples to grow out in the lab. The catch was that in babies that small much of the time their samples didn't grow out, even when they were positive for meningitis, because they could only take a very small amount of spinal fluid. Whether it grew out or not they would treat her as if she had tested positive because babies who do have meningitis, especially at such a young age, could go downhill fast. Matt wasn't happy about her being there without a sure answer that she did indeed have meningitis and when the doctor left the room I knew that Matt was not happy. He still didn't think she seemed sick enough to be there and was still feeling like I had gone behind his back.

Before the doctor left he had told us that someone else would come in to admit her and that she would then be transferred to a more permanent room. After waiting forever AGAIN Matt asked if he should stay or go get the other two. At this point it was around 2:00am I was exhausted (I had just given birth like 6 days ago for crying out loud!) and I was pretty peeved at his lack of support and I told him that quite frankly I didn't want him there anymore and to just leave...and he did.

Part 2...The Spinal Tap

2010-09-20T14:11:00.001-07:00

I have no pictures to put with this post because I can't get to them off of my other computer right now. It is throwing a tantrum...

So we got to the ER and checked in. They took all of her vitals and sent us back to a room (which since then I have learned was a resuscitation room for the most critically ill patients and apparently they don't put you in that room unless they are really worried. I'm glad I didn't know that back then...). When the doctor came in they started examining her and took some blood samples. They told me that her coloring was redder than it should be and that she was more floppy than she should be (she didn't pull her legs and arms up like most newborns do, instead preferring to lay with her legs and arms relaxed and straight. I just figured she was a really "chill" kind of baby!) They also told me that she was dehydrated and would need some fluids. They told me that they had put a rush on the blood samples and would know shortly if her levels were off (sugar, potassium, sodium). Again I didn't worry too much, thinking that all would be well with some fluids and possibly a glucose drip and Madison and my sis and I visited and waited.

By this time I had tried repeatedly, starting when we left the house, to try to get a hold of Matt to let him know what was going on but he was somewhere in the mountains and out of range.

A short time later the doctor came back in saying that her levels all looked good except that she was indeed dehydrated. Then he proceeded to tell me that with newborns they never stop at the first round of tests when possible seizures are present. He told me that after the basic level checks they move onto trying to find an infection in the brain or spinal fluid which meant doing a head CT and a Spinal Tap. This is where the worry started to set in and my calmness began to crumble. I was perfectly ok with them taking a little blood or putting my 5 day old baby in a machine to get a picture of her brain but sticking a rather large needle into her spinal column was an entirely different story! I asked them the pros and cons. Could she be paralyzed? The chances were incredibly low. Would it cause a spinal headache? Again, very unlikely. What if I choose not to and there is something wrong? Was there another way to find out? Not if it was an infection in her cerebral fluid and if there was one and we didn't catch it the results could be severe brain damage and, in an infant that young, a rapid death. Would it be painful for her? Unfortunately, most likely. Because they were trying to find this mystery infection before it had a chance to harm her they couldn't wait for her to be sedated. Are.You.Kidding.Me. I thought we were coming for a little sugar water! I tried to call Matt one more time before giving them the go ahead......no answer. I remember looking down at Em wrapped in her blanket in nothing but a diaper and feeling like I had failed her somehow. She was 5 days old! She was supposed to come into this world and be loved and cuddled not poked with needles in her tiny little back! And what if it was all for nothing?! What if they stuck that needle in and everything was fine and I had put her through that for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING?! I had heard how painful lumbar punctures could be and the thought of doing that to my brand spankin' new baby was horrible! I asked them if I could stay with her while they did it and they told me that they didn't recommend it. They told me that it would be hard to watch and that they would let me stay but would rather I leave and come back in 20 minutes after both the CT scan and the Spinal Tap were done.

I have to say that laying her back on that ER bed, kissing her little head and walking away was probably the hardest thing I have had to do. I don't know how parents do it who have to leave their children while they undergo major surgeries or medical treatments. I pray I never have to find out!

So I left the room and the tears started. I tried so hard not to show Madison how worried I was because I didn't want her to worry but the spinal was my limit! Madison and Amber and I walked to the cafeteria and tried to drown my sorrows in chocolate cake while I counted the minutes as they ticked by. Now, you have to remember that I had just given birth less than a week ago and my hormones were NUTS so that didn't help matters either. I would just get control and stop crying and then 30 seconds later I would start again. I could not stop thinking about my tiny girl being folded into a ball while they put that needle in her back. Was she hurting? Was she scared? Why the heck was 20 minutes taking SO LONG?

A Trip Down Memory Lane...

2010-09-17T09:50:00.002-07:00

Since I mentioned our Meningitis episode with Emilia in my last post I have been thinking a lot about it and "what if" we hadn't have caught it. I know it happened 2 years ago but this blog didn't exist 2 years ago so I figured I'd write about it now so that it's recorded for the future. It's a long story so I'll break it up into a few posts and I'll understand if you don't read all of it...

Back then Emilia was a little (a 10 lb. 5 oz. "little") newborn. She was a month early and when she was born she had a really hard time coming around. Her shoulders had gotten stuck on the way out and when she came out she didn't cry. She didn't really move. She was really floppy and I think back and realize that I was not as worried about her as I should have been, after all her first Apgar score was a 2 out of 10. I suppose I took for granted that my other two had been healthy so she would be too. What if she hadn't come around? I remember the nurse not wanting Madison to see her at first, just in case..., while they tried to get her going and then only getting to hold her for about 5 minutes with oxygen near her nose before they whisked her away. I remember seeing her hooked up to oxygen and IV's and monitors and them telling me that she had been stuck 4 times to place the IV line and she still hadn't cried and that worried me.

Over the next 3 days she steadily improved, coming off of the oxygen and the glucose drip, and I finally heard her cry. It was hardest to watch Madison because she had been so excited for this baby and had wanted to be the first to hold her and then never got to on the day she was born. Then she wasn't allowed in the nursery because she was too young. I remember being in the nursery and holding Em up for the kids to see through the window and turning to see tears rolling down Madison's little face as she looked at this baby that she already loved so much and had been dreaming of holding for so long. One of the nurses saw me start to cry and asked how old Madison was. I told her she was eight and she said, "Hurry! Let's sneak her in for a quick second!" I will never forget the sweet look on Madison's face as she held her baby sister for all of about a minute.

A day later we brought our baby girl home and she was held non-stop. Then I started to notice something, something that I had never seen my other two babies do. Emilia twitched...a lot. It wasn't a "startle" like all babies do. She would be sleeping in her car seat and her arm would twitch repeatedly for a minute or so. I would be holding her and her arm and leg would twitch so I'd hold her a little tighter to try to get it to stop, and it wouldn't. The problem was, I was the only one who had seen it. Then, the third day we were home, Matt had taken T four-wheeling and Madison and I were watching TV on my bed with Emilia on the boppy in front of us and she started twitching again. Her little arm started jerking over and over, the longest yet, and I decided that it was time to call the doctor (I have since then looked up videos of newborn seizures found this on Youtube which is exactly what Em was doing.). I called the Pediatrician and she told me that she thought it might be from low blood sugar since she was such a big baby and that I needed to go to Primary Children's to get her sugar, potassium and sodium levels checked. I left the house with Madison and the baby in tow accompanied by my sister (who had already been on her way over to hang out) and we headed to the Children's Hospital fully expecting to be back in a few hours after some tests and maybe a little glucose...

Anybody got Valium?

2010-09-13T12:52:00.001-07:00

When I was little, about 6 years old, I had a best friend named Carrie. We lived in the same apartment complex and were as bestie as two besties can be, we were never apart. We were also in the same school class. One day our teacher decided that we talked too much in class (yep, even then I talked to much). She moved Carrie across the room to another desk. I vividly remember that moment. It was complete heartbreak for me. I was painfully shy and didn't make friends easily and Carrie was like a security blanket I suppose...my "woobie" if you will. I remember laying my head down on my desk and sobbing. It was not a tantrum sob like you might expect from a 6 yr. old who had felt betrayed and wanted to vent her anger. It was a sob of complete devastation from a little heart that wondered how she would ever go on without her best friend right at her side. I remember feeling lonely and scared and sick. I honestly thought that it was the end of my little world. Now that I think back to it I realize that Carrie did not shed a single tear...hmmm....curious.

Anyway, I tell you this not because I wanted you to wander down memory lane with me to peek in at my most embarrassing moments, but because it is happening again and this time it hurts a thousand times worse. My bestest bestie in the whole wide world is being moving away from me and there's nothing I can do. But this time it's not just across the room. This time it is much farther away. My sister, my "woobie" is leaving me. She is moving to Texas and I can't stop her and those horrible feelings are back again. Loneliness, fear and that pit in my stomach. I don't know who I am without her. I told Matt that I am actually one and a half people. There's the half that's just me, the half that he makes up and the half that is my sister. She is who I call when I need to vent. Her's is the house I show up at in my pajamas (that sometimes end up matching hers much to the Fedex man's delight!). She's my date on Girls' Night Out and my shopping buddy. She never judges me or criticizes and she steps in to rescue me when I am on the brink of insanity. She loves my kids like her own. She was the one who caught Emilia when she was born, then walked the ER halls with me (and Madison) 5 days later while I cried as my new baby girl was given a spinal tap and diagnosed with Meningitis. Yeah, I'm co-dependent and I'm not afraid to admit it...Matt even calls her my wife :) She's the one I would call if I had a dead body to get rid of...well maybe her and Matt since her and I really aren't that strong put together.

Sure there are phones, and planes and email but it's not the same. I know it sounds silly but I am afraid to be without her. I am afraid to have to go places alone. I am afraid to have nowhere to go in my pajamas.

*SIGH*

Yep. I'm co-dependent.

About that Valium...?