And don't call me Sweetie

It's Really Me

2010-09-07T00:15:00.007-04:00

Despite what you might have thought I did not fall off the face of the earth.

I have a new Sir in my life and he makes me happy. I call him my Goldilocks dom - my first sir was too big and scary, my second one wasn't reliable or domly enough...but this one is juuust right. *nods* When Sir says my bedtime is 1:00 a.m. he isn't joking and he checks up on me regularly to make sure I'm obeying him. He's also courteous enough to inform me if he's going to be out of touch so I don't get upset...it's a better relationship in so many ways than my first two attempts. I don't want to say any more about him yet since it hasn't even been three months since we've been a cyber couple. And just before we reach four months (assuming we do) Allan and I are leaving on our...drumroll...

TRIP OF A LIFETIME

It's not Around the World in 80 Days but it's close - the cruise is 75 nights and we're leaving for Istanbul a couple of days early. I'll definitely blog about the trip over the following weeks. The map doesn't show all the ports of call - I think I counted 34, how cool is it that we're going to Devil's Island and St. Helena? Those two just blow me away!

And finally, I would like to wish everyone a happy, healthy New Year. May You be Inscribed for a Good Year.

Christ You Know It He ain't Easy - with apologies to John Lennon

2010-06-11T01:13:00.005-04:00

After a delay of nearly month, I'm relieved to say that Allan has finally had his gall bladder surgery and all is well. The surgeon's secretary ~~was~~ is an incompetent idiot who didn't do her job properly which resulted in the requisition for Allan to be taken off his blood thinner not being faxed to the appropriate clinic...in the same hospital! And it wasn't like I didn't call and mention something wasn't right when the Thrombosis Clinic hadn't contacted us and his pre-op appointment was drawing closer and closer. This isn't exactly rocket science. He stops taking his blood thinner five to seven days pre-op and depending on what the techs in the clinic determine, they give him injections of Heparin or another type of blood thinner before or after the operation - this time the clinic was very concerned about bleeding so they decided he shouldn't have anything before the surgery but start with the injections of blood thinner after it was over. They have arranged for a nurse to come to the house and inject him. I probably could do it - I learned how to give needles when Mark had his first anaphylactic allergic reaction years ago pre epipens - except these injections are given in a pinch of belly skin and I know I'd be squeamish about it and keep apologizing and wind up hurting Allan a hundred times more than a nurse who will just swab, pinch, jab, inject and swab.

Anyhow, the second time was the charm. This surgery is normally done as a day surgery with the patient going home the same day...but it's my husband, and we all know how special Allan is, right? The doctor ordered one and possibly two nights in the hospital for Mr. Special as a precaution and I'm very grateful that he's being so careful with him. I have a feeling though that he'll be able to come home today since he was doing really well when I left the hospital last evening. When the surgeon came out to speak to Laura and me he said that Allan had sailed through the operation despite all his issues and was only on the table the usual hour (the doctor had blocked an extra hour of O.R. time just in case and two hours is what we were told to expect)and that he was in Recovery. He was on his way back to check on him before leaving for the night. Laura asked him to please remind her father of the hospital rule that forbade us from visiting him in the Recovery Room...when he had his back surgery - oh god, that terrible time - no one came to get us -different hospital- and he was druggy basket case when we finally got to the Recovery Room to find him crying that we didn't love him! Yeah, Allan and drugs, not good.

All was well this time as we were sent up to the ward and found him settled in his room and looking alright. The nurses I observed were kind and gentle and I felt comfortable leaving him for the night, confident he would be well cared for. Anyway I'm pretty sure he's going to be home in a few hours. Yay! I'll keep you posted.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

2010-06-04T03:03:00.001-04:00

Several days ago we rescued a dog that we found running in traffic. Allan and I had just left the cemetery, which is in the country, after attending the funeral for one of his cousins and in less than a minute we were in a traffic jam. When Allan looked out to see what the problem was, he told me there was a dog loose on the road and running in front of the cars and traffic was stopped in both directions. I got out and saw a large, white husky type dog with a collar (but no tags) and some sort of cable attached to it. I didn't think twice (or even once really) but just ran over and called to it. He (seemed like a he) approached and was non threatening if not exactly friendly. He was muddy, had 'tons' of winter coat hanging off him and stank unbelievably. So of course I grabbed the cable and loaded him into my husband's Lexus. The poor dog was very hot and panted (drooled like crazy all over Allan's leather seats) but otherwise was nice and calm the whole way home. Yes, we took him home...although Allan did ask me a time or ten, "So now what are we going to do with him?"

As soon as he got in the backyard he jumped in the (newly opened) pool and went for a swim! So then he was filthy, stinky and wet! And the pool had white fur floating all over it. Laura suggested taking him to the local vet to see if he was micro chipped - so we loaded him back in the car and ten minutes later he was scanned and lo and behold...jackpot! He did have a micro chip and the tech went to call the micro chip company to get the owner information. We were sure that Langstaff's grateful owners would be on their way to our house within minutes to pick up the pooch. 'Fraid not. It turns out that the chip had never been registered. But all was not lost, the vet simply called the other vet who had done the micro chipping to find out through their records whose dog we had. Except it was now 7:00 and the vet, which was way up in To Hell and Gone, was closed for the night! They left a message for someone at the other vets to contact them the following morning and very kindly gave us some food for Langstaff and promised to call as soon as they had any information in the morning. They assured us he would be fine tied up overnight in our yard - he was absolutely, positively an outdoor dog - not to mention being a large animal that had already shed enough fur to make it look as though winter had returned to my backyard.

...no, he doesn't have mange. this is after Allan brushed him and brushed him

Allan got him tied to the tree at the back of our yard with enough rope so he could wander a bit but not enough to reach the pool! We left him with a bowl of water and hoped for the best. We felt awful and worried all night. Our dog, Bagels, was an indoor dog. That's the kind of animal we're used to so we felt as though we were abusing this poor confused dog by leaving him outside in the dark...so we left the back yard lights on all night. I don't know about the dog but we felt better. Aside from one or two very halfhearted howls Langstaff was quiet all night so I guess he was alright.

I guess he was alright!! When I looked out the bathroom window the next morning I knew why he had been so quiet. The rope had been long enough to allow him to reach the composter - which he had picked up and thrown in the pool. At 6:00am it took a minute until it registered just what the big, black plastic ... thing at the bottom of the pool was. Any little fantasies I might have been having about keeping that dog were now over, done, finished, kaput.
It wasn't his fault I know, he needed some toys and he improvised. lol.

I got dressed and went out to let him off the chain (and nearly got bowled over yet again) and sweep up the mess from the composter around the pool. Not to mention fishing the composter itself out of the pool. Goofy thought 'try to eat the broom' was a great game. I still have a bunch of bruises on my arms and legs from him. He wasn't a mean dog at all, he was as sweet natured as you could want but he's still a young dog and as we quickly discovered, one with no training at all. He didn't have a submissive bone in his entire body. In the entire time we had him, we never saw him roll over on his back for a belly rub. Not once. Not even to rub his back to help loosen all that fur!

To cut a long story short, the micro chip number turned out to be registered to the groomer at the vet in To Hell and Gone - she was the breeder. She didn't know (or care) who she had sold the puppy to unless we really wanted to 'bother' her at home that night, and no, she didn't care that we were going to turn the dog over to Animal Services. She was a bitch...pun intended.

Our next problem was where to take what we were coming to think of as our dog. The Humane Society was in the midst of a reorganization and wasn't taking in strays. When we made a call to Animal Services we were told that we had to turn the animal in to a shelter in the area where we found him...half hour drive back up north. Allan and I laid out our plan; I backed the car out of the garage and got everything I needed from the house, locked up and then told Allan who was waiting with the dog in the backyard that it was time and to get him into the car. It worked perfectly until Langstaff slipped out of his collar and ran off down the street.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

I ran down the street after him and found him on my neighbour's front yard where I tackled him and slid his collar back on, making sure it was buckled tight enough this time. As I started to drag him away I heard my neighbour ask," Is that your new dog?"

That dog knew something was up and did not want to get in the car. We felt terrible taking to 'the pound' even though there was no way we could keep him. He's way too much dog for us and I don't want another dog that sheds constantly. I'm still covered with bruises from the dog playing and my arm's are sore just from getting him in and out of the car because of how strongly he pulled on the cable. He needs very energetic owners with a very large property.

We turned him into the Animal Control & Adoption Centre and when we asked if there was any way to track his progress the woman at the desk gave us his claim number and told us to call any time. I explained we couldn't adopt him but we wanted to know what happened to him...I had the feeling she thought we were going to take him if the owners never showed up. The Centre had scanned him immediately for his micro chip although we gave them the number from the vet, and filled them in on the groomer/breeder story. The said they would try again to track down the owners and Allan and I crossed our fingers that they would have better luck than the vet or us. I waited a couple of days and phoned and the dog was still there, unclaimed. I waited another couple of days and,

I am happy to report that he has been claimed!

They better take good care of him. I hope they register his micro chip.

P.S.

After we dropped Langstaff off at Animal Control and drove home, Allan went inside to watch whatever game d'juor was on and I kept my promise to him - I detailed the back seat of his car. *grins*

Still Looking & Don't Call Me

2010-04-12T01:07:00.004-04:00

I've been spending my time on Facebook and Fetlife - and hoping to gawd I don't get mixed up and forget which friends I'm chatting with on which site!

I'm still hoping to find another dominant, but so far no luck. I've updated my Fet profile to specify I am only looking for a cyber relationship, thinking that would help eliminate the trolls. Yes,and no. The amount of traffic eased immediately but then I started getting *those* emails again! I'm sorry, I didn't want to have cybersex with a 26 year old switch. That's younger than my son and just ... wrong! I wasn't flattered. I just wanted to wash my eyeballs.

Am I just a big hypocrite? Since Allan is 21 years my senior who am I to cast aspersions on anyone else? And B, my last Sir, was 15 years younger than me and that didn't seem so awful. Not at all. So, are there limits on the number of years in the age difference before it becomes unacceptable? Does it matter if it's a man or a woman who's older? Um, I guess I can answer that since I've actually been in both situations. *grins* As long as the man is dominant, it doesn't matter if he's younger - within reason. I'm not going to be interested in a man 20 years my junior - but that's just me.

Within the last month or so things have gotten more interesting as a couple of other men have contacted me and we've begun emailing. One is in the same situation as me - married to a vanilla spouse etc., and we've been carrying on a bantering flirtation for a few weeks. I doubt he's the dom for me although I enjoy trading one liners with him. The other man is single and my age...but he has a slave and is in an open relationship. He already sent me his phone number and wants to meet for coffee. Yikes! And yes, he lives here.

I just want a cyber dom of my own. Is that too much to ask? Or should that be a dom of my own for a cyber relationship? whatever.

I've also become friends with a very nice man from Atlanta, a real Southern gentleman. He is unfailingly polite and charming, always addresses me as 'dear' and 'darling'...you can almost hear the drawl while reading his emails. So when I received notification of his latest email, I went to Fet, opened it, and nearly fell off my chair from laughing so hard!!!

This is his salutation;

hello sweetie!

Four Things Not To Wear

2010-03-23T00:01:00.001-04:00

When holding a mug of tea while watching tv and dozing off.

1. sweater

2. jeans

3. bra

4. panties

This has been a Public Service Announcement.

Steak and BlowJob Day

2010-03-15T01:30:00.005-04:00

On Friday night I asked Allan if he knew that,

"Tomorrow is Steak and BlowJob Day!"

He looked at me warily and and asked what that meant.

"It means I'm going to BBQ a steak for you and give you a fantastic blowjob before you eat it, while you eat it or after you eat it...or all three. Your choice."

For a minute I thought he had swallowed his tongue but then the loveliest smile lit up his face.

*******Fast forward to our family Friday night dinner table that night. We're all chatting about our weekend plans...Mark and Lauren are going to sign a lease on a new apartment, Laura and I are going to go to a salon together, Allan and I are going out for dinner with friends...when Laura innocently asks,

"So, Mom and Dad, do you have any plans for tomorrow night?"

sound of crickets chirping as Allan gazed into space and I blushed bright red.

"eewww! NEVER MIND!!!"

**wild laughter**

Saturday dawned rainy and cold. I cook outside all year round in all kinds of weather but Allan honestly didn't want me out in the pouring rain for the sake of a steak dinner. I improvised a different meal and we went upstairs afterward for the most important part of the evening. I dressed up for him in stockings and boots with high heels and gave him a loooong, sloooooow blow job just the way he likes it, with lots of back kissing and licking. He enjoyed it as much as he's able to now - he says it feels really good so I know I'm pleasing him. I can't expect more than that and I'm happy he enjoyed Chicken leftovers and BlowJob Day 2010.

Reporting In

2010-03-04T01:15:00.002-05:00

I apologize for the lengthy delay in posting, but sometimes I'm just not in the mood to blog. I've been home from our trip for over a week and was immediately laid up with a cold - you would think that would have been the perfect opportunity to blog. You would have been wrong. I haz a tired. And I needed to watch the Olympics didn't I?

Yay Canada!!! We are Golden!!!!

...we now return to our regular schedule.

Generally speaking, our Family Cruise was a success. Mark and Lauren seemed to miss the point of the trip, which was to celebrate Allan's 80th birthday, and kept to themselves for the most part. We didn't expect either of the couples to hang out with us all the time - we like our space, too - but Mark has complained to his sister many times that he feels 'out of the loop' and she always tells him pointedly that it's his own fault. I refuse, absolutely, to be one of those mothers who calls their kids to berate them for not calling! Not going to do that. It's one of the reasons for keeping the blog. I save my ranting for here.

Allan had arranged for a van to be at our house at 3:00A.M. to pick the six of us up and transport us and all our luggage to the airport. It looked like some kind of pimpmobile...with strips of lights strung around the inside and deep plush carpeting. The girls and I took one look and cracked up!

The airport was a nightmare.

Lesson: since the newest security measures have been instituted, never book the first flight of the day to the States. The U.S. Customs agents don't come on duty until 5:30 and this is what the 'line' looked like when we finally realized what all those tired, glum people were doing.

Remember this was two months after the latest threat prompted the newest round of useless, money wasting absurdities so there's no excuse for Pearson, our supposed world class international airport, not having signage giving people a clue as to where the line actually was and rope barriers for crowd control. I can tell you things got very ugly in that crowd after the customs officials went on duty and the line started moving. People were naturally anxious about making their flights and forget whatever you've heard about 'polite Canadians' - the queue jumping - I thought there were going to be fist fights more than once. It wouldn't have helped on this trip since we were traveling with the family, but Allan and I are applying for Nexus to avoid this hassle in the future. Fifty dollars for five years and we can bypass the regular line...sounds like a bargain to me. We travel enough that I don't know why we didn't do it a long time ago.

The flight was fine, even fun since we had an entire row to ourselves. Upon arrival in Miami we called for the van Allan had booked and while it wasn't nearly as 'cool' as the pimpmobile, the driver did an admirable job of getting us to the Ft. Lauderdale Cruse Terminal at Port Everglades. We even got to see a glimpse of Dolphin Stadium where the Superbowl would be played two days later as we drove along.

I have lots more to tell about the trip but I'm tired, upset and happy all at the same time. Tired because I'm still not sleeping properly. It's 4:00A.M. - anyone else awake and wanna talk? I'd love some company. Upset now that Allan saw the surgeon yesterday and he did recommend his gall bladder be removed. The surgery is scheduled for May 13th and while it is usually done as a day surgery, the doctor has already decided to keep Allan overnight as a precaution.

And happy because today is our anniversary. Number 37. Holy Crap!

In our honour I'm reposting 'our' song. Try not to throw up.

Bon Voyage

2010-02-03T01:00:00.001-05:00

With the good Lord's help, Allan will turn 80 this coming May. So to celebrate we're taking the whole family on a Caribbean cruise! Is it really that simple? Of course not!

To begin with, Mark and Lauren have postponed their wedding - indefinitely, although she's saying two years. Mark was having serious financial problems. When they decided to get engaged - which in my opinion was insane but what do I know, I'm just a mother - they should have opted for a long engagement in the first place. Now, they've lost money on deposits - remember the hotel she went and booked? And she had already ordered her dress so that money is gone, too. I do give her credit (lots & lots of credit) for sticking it out with Mark through what are proving to be very turbulent times.

Back to the trip and how it came about. Not long after coming home from our European trip, Allan, Laura and I were in the kitchen one afternoon and Laura said something about Allan's 80th birthday in May and how we should do something to celebrate the occasion. I agreed but Allan nixed the idea right away - naturally, he's superstitious and planning a party is asking for an 'ahora'. The Evil Eye. I nixed the idea of a party because of the wedding. I didn't see how we could invite the same people to a big party in May and then again in November, especially not out of towners.

Allan thought he was off the hook. But Laura is nothing if not stubborn and said, "Dad, we have to do something to mark the occasion. It's a big deal!"

She and I looked at each other and said, "How about a Family Cruise?"

And so the Family Cruise was born.

After much calendar checking a date was agreed upon and Allan got busy finding a cruise for the six of us. We told the two couples that we are paying their airfare and for an inside cabin as well as any family dinners in the alternative restaurants or excursions we all decide to go on...although it's highly unlikely we'll go to the alternative restaurants, there's enough to eat on these ships, and we'll see about excursions. Any upgrades - balconies, etc., are their responsibility as is liquor.

Family Cruise

After a week of togetherness and family fun, Allan and I will wave goodbye to our children as they load their bags into the van he has already ordered to pick them up at the cruise terminal and transport them to the airport. Then we will probably do the happy dance while we wait for the shuttle from the car rental company to pick us up. We're staying in Miami for two nights

I'm hoping to get in a bit of shopping and Allan always enjoys sitting in a sidewalk cafe and people watching. We'll see what we feel like doing. We'll have two days and a car. Woo hoo!

Cruise

Then we return the car and go back to the Port to board a different ship for a short five day cruise. We are really looking forward to it...we look forward to all our cruises, but this one takes us to Key West. It's one of our favourite places and we haven't been there in quite a few years. I'll report back after the trip if our old reliables are still there and still reliable. I don't want to jinx anything ahead of time by giving glowing reviews only to discover the places have turned to shit since our last visit. Our only other port of call as you can see on the map is Grand Cayman which is a repeat from the first cruise and a port we've visited many times. It's a really expensive place so aside from taking a walk we'll be staying on board the ship and enjoying having the ships amenities all to ourselves.

The Friday Roundup

2010-01-29T00:03:00.003-05:00

Don't even get me started on the astronomical amount of money being spent so foolishly on so called 'airport security'. I'm a huge proponent of the Israeli model - Behaviour Profiling that begins before a passenger gets into the airport and stop all this bullshit of searching old people in wheelchairs and infants in strollers.

We're leaving again, yes again! - in a week and I have to be grateful that I can take my carry on with me. We're looking at future travel that doesn't involve air travel. It's just too much of a pain in the ass and exhausting to fly now unless there's no alternative. Do you remember the old ad with the slogan; 'Getting there is half the fun' ? Well it isn't anymore. Now it's; 'Getting there is all of the hassle and no fun at all.'

I'm not just a pretty face y'know. I want to keep my readers educated, too...see how many new words or phrases you learn. I have to admit nearly all of them were new to me! *blush*

"a jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush."

http://www.worldwidewank.com/synonyms.html

And speaking of wankers...I thought the Dark Ages were over.

During a recent password audit at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

"Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital"

The Friday Roundup

2010-01-22T00:01:00.002-05:00

Personally, this doesn't do it for me.

However I would be ever so happy, not to mention healthy, if this was part of my regular routine.

Hmm, do the words 'big talkers' come to mind?

I KNEW it!!! There is nothing more boring to watch than football. Except maybe paint drying. When we travel to Europe I watch rugby. I luvs me some rugby. Mmmmm. All those big, powerful, brawny, sweaty, dirty men in their shorts and tight shirts that displays their splendid physiques without helmets and padding so you can see everythi...er, of course rugby is more watchable because they play right through and don't stop every minute for a commercial or because a referee throws his hankie onto the field.

Enjoy their anger. My neighborhood is so boring compared to this - we have the odd break-in from time to time and years ago someone was setting fires. It turned out to be the troubled son of one of the neighbours on our block and fortunately nobody was hurt. But there's never anything fun and juicy like this!

Be quiet. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet.

Shhh!!! Daddy’s working! (Pic) MakeUseOf.com

Goodbye To Sir

2010-01-18T03:02:00.000-05:00

“The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.”

G.B Shaw

'B', formerly known as Sir, stopped emailing and chatting in early December. He went from being around all the time to never being there. I wasn't too worried about it at first since he'd been pulling his disappearing act as long as we'd known each other. He did it while we were still chatting in the very early stages of getting to know each other on FetLife...just disappeared off the radar in the middle of a conversation without any warning. He showed up a week later and informed me that he and his wife had gone away on vacation. At that time he truly didn't owe me any explanations (although it would have been nice - I had informed him before I went away for a long weekend...but I digress) But as our relationship progressed he did owe me that courtesy. At least one of us thought he did.

Wanting to be a good little submissive and not rock the boat, I continued to let him get away with that behaviour. Hind sight being what it is, I see now that I should never have let him get away with those actions in the first place. It happened repeatedly. Suddenly he would go silent and stop communicating. A couple of times he didn't respond to email on either gmail or Fet, so of course I worried that either something had happened to him or he was angry with me for some reason. Or his wife had discovered his secret and killed him. I mean what else is a person to do except imagine the worst in that situation? Each time, after four or five days, he would finally contact me and just casually say he'd been swamped at work. Why I let him get away with it I don't know - I should have insisted he tell me before he was going away or smelled a rat and dumped him immediately.

He kept catching me unawares because I was ~~a dope~~ so happy otherwise. We emailed and 'talked' on chat constantly, he was not only supportive but we had found some odd commonalities which brought us even closer together. In my defense, I have to point out the man wrote me such hot, sexy stories and little scenes that not only turned me on but were so beautifully romantic they often brought me to tears. I asked him one time if he wrote for a living - he said not, but now I'm doubting nearly everything about him, so who knows? I do know he is a very talented writer. He also has a following on FetLife for his photo gallery. He has a knack for tracking down and posting wonderfully erotic photos that aren't found everywhere else on the site. He began to fine tune his gallery as our relationship deepened until it was quite different from what it had been originally. It now reflects my interests, kinks and hot buttons as well as ours as a couple.

Things began to fall apart in early December. B. vanished again...I waited five days before emailing him asking him if all was well and if so, " it's very confusing for me when you disappear suddenly without any warning. I start questioning - everything." He did reply right away. In the same casual manner as the other times. No, nothing's wrong. Just busy. It's 'crunch time' before the holidays. After New Year's I'll be on a different schedule. No apology or even 'how are you'? I was angry and hurt.

I took a couple of days to think about what I wanted to say to him and to compose an email.

"I'm very relieved you're not sick and nothing is wrong. I just can't understand why you couldn't have sent me a quick note like that last week giving me a heads up that you were going to be unavailable for a while. I understand about real life and have no desire to intrude in yours, but when you go silent like this I feel as though I'm nothing more than a plaything to you - to be played with at your convenience and otherwise ignored.

I don't think I'm a high maintenance sub, at least I hope I'm not given our circumstances, but I do require some form of regular attention to keep me busy and out of trouble.

I hope you'll have some time to talk or email in the not too distant future."

Needless to say I awaited a reply, anxious to see his reaction. Three days later it arrived in my Inbox. Here are the first two lines which say it all.

"It's been hectic at this end. How is it at yours?"

The rest of the brief note was about being at his local community centre, seeing a sign for a Chanukah luncheon and how it made him think of me. Nothing in reference to my email. Not one word. And since his was linked to it via the reply button I know he received it. It was astonishingly disrespectful and rude so I never bothered writing back. I've never heard from him since then. Oh, to add insult to injury - the day that email arrived was the same day Allan and I sat in the hospital for twelve hours before getting word about the growth on his adrenal gland. It really was the perfect way to finish that day.

So, what went off the rails with that relationship? I haven't a clue. 'B' seems to have truly disappeared. He hasn't shown up on my stat counter in the past month nor on his Fet profile page. It's a mystery.

And This Is How It Ends

2010-01-11T00:12:00.002-05:00

I can't believe
You let me go
So easily

Best Wishes for 2010

2009-12-31T02:13:00.008-05:00

I don't make New Year's resolutions. I tried it a couple of times and it was like setting myself up for failure so I stopped years ago. But I have set a goal for myself for the new year - to try harder. I've been slacking off way too much lately and I'm not happy with myself. So I'll have to be my own Dom and kick my butt until I get my act together again.

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy New Year. We're doing our usual - staying at home and watching movies. Anyone doing anything wild and crazy? . . . . . anyone?

Bye, Bye

2009-12-23T02:02:00.003-05:00

To all the thoughtful, funny, dumb, kind, blunt, outrageous, silly, rude and strange comments I've received over the past four years of blogging. As any of you who have been using Haloscan is aware, in the true spirit of the season the new owners, JS-Kit sent out an email recently informing us that they will begin upgrading their system and notices to that effect will be going out in batches starting immediately. I received an email shortly afterward giving me until January 2 to pay up or lose all my comments and service. Merry Christmas to you too, Mr. Scrooge. Bah. Humbug!

Once presented with the upgrade message, you will have 2 weeks to make a decision. You will have the following two options.

Upgrade to Echo for $9.95/year – all your comment data will be transitioned over automatically.

Export your Haloscan comment data and turn off their service
Users need to respond within the two week period to ensure uninterrupted service.

I know we all loved to bitch and complain about Haloscan but it sucked every so often because the equipment was left to die a slow lingering death. I would have paid ten bucks a year for a well maintained Haloscan in it's simple, old fashioned form...no bells and whistles, no links to Facebook, Twitter, MySpace or anything else. That's what a lot of bloggers feel as they are leaving and coming back (reluctantly) to Blogger or trying out other commenting systems. I wrote to JS-Kit outlining my problems with their poor PR - two weeks notice and right before Christmas when people have a million other things on their minds? Not nice. I've gone to sites with the new Haloscan and I don't like it - in case you couldn't tell. It looks like an email page. And apparently it threads conversations - something I've always hated with a passion.

So here I am with Blogger comments enabled, but I've never been crazy about them either.

Oh, and a Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates!

He's Fine...Mostly

2009-12-21T17:40:00.006-05:00

We saw the surgeon in the Cancer Centre today. The news is good. Allan has something called a Benign Myelolipoma. It's basically a mass of fatty tissue that's grown very quickly for some reason to a significant size - the resident held up his fist to illustrate the dimensions.

Mortality/Morbidity
No death rate has been reported in the literature because of the rarity of this lesion. Myelolipomas do not undergo malignant transformation.

However, the doctor obviously doesn't think the lesion/mass will grow because she told us to come back in six months for more blood tests and another CT scan. *BEAMS*

On the other hand...it's Mr. Special, you just knew there had to be another hand, right? The surgeon said there are definitely stones in his gall bladder. *sigh* Today's blood work was normal meaning he had passed the stone that sent him to the hospital last week. If his liver enzymes had still been elevated, there was a good chance they would have scheduled him for gall bladder surgery immediately. Instead, we discussed surgery to remove his gall bladder and to be fair, she's a surgeon in a cancer centre and by now we weren't discussing oncological surgery, not to mention surgeons never want to operate on Allan if they can possibly avoid it. They look at his chart with his cardiac issues and get nervous. Although he's come through any operation he's had with flying colours. She decided to make a referral to a surgeon at the downtown hospital where Allan's cardiologists are and let them decide what to do about his gall bladder. We're scared that we'll be travelling somewhere and he'll have one of these attacks.

Kitty, our GP has told my husband he should be watching what he eats. I think he said, "If you like it, you can't have it." Poor Allan. He isn't fat and now with this recent diagnosis of diabetes he is restricted with carbohydrates and he's being really good about it. How many more foods can I take off the table? He told the GP he refuses to live like a monk. The doctor understood completely and told him in that case he'd better carry heavy duty pain killers with him at all times.

Now we just have to hope the downtown surgeon sees him soon. I'm quite sure it won't be until after the new year. I'll keep you all posted. Thank you all for your kind comments and interest, both online and private. I do appreciate it so much.

Does He have to be So Special?

2009-12-17T23:41:00.003-05:00

I was busy grating potatoes and onions to begin making the latkes for our family Channukah party on Sunday while Allan was watching football in the family room. I knew I was going to smell from oil after frying 4,763 latkes, so I figured there was no point in getting dressed. I just stayed in my pj's and intended to shower when I was done frying and cleaning up.

I was nearly ready to start combining the eggs and start frying when I heard Allan groaning and belching repeatedly and really loudly. I paused and listened. It didn't stop. He came into the kitchen holding his middle and looking dreadful. He said he had *terrible* pains in his midsection and back...he didn't think it was his heart but he wasn't sure. I had made sure the stove was off by then, covered the food on the counter and was heading for the stairs to go up to the bedroom and get dressed. I stopped when he began gasping with pain. My husband doesn't do things like that. He would rather cut off his arm than allow me to see him admit to 'weakness' - he's a man, don't ask me to explain it.

I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and (of course) he said no, he wanted to wait a little longer. I left him sprawled on the bottom steps and went to dress all the while listening to his ever increasing sounds of distress. The man was in serious pain.

By the time I came rushing back downstairs there was no question but we were going to the hospital! I was just going into the kitchen to call the kids when he yelled he needed to go right now. He was looking very ill and when I asked him if I should call an ambulance, he said yes. That told me everything. I ran to the phone and dialed 911.

The paramedics were in the house within five minutes and Allan started to feel better as they began treating him as though he were having a heart attack despite all indications from their monitors to the contrary. I'm sure having the professionals on the scene was a major reason he felt better, I know I did. I phoned Laura and Mark to let them know which hospital we were going to and off we went, sirens wailing which seemed rather silly quite honestly. Allan wasn't in any danger and there was no traffic!

It must have been a Channukah miracle (or maybe we just got really lucky) considering how quiet the Emergency Department was when we arrived. The hospital is a major trauma centre and is usually crazy busy with everything from gunshot wounds to burns to helicopters bringing in victims of car accidents. Anyway, they took us in right away since heart patients always take priority and even though Allan was feeling better we knew he was going to be in for a long day and, as it happened, night of testing. After running the regular blood tests which didn't tell them anything much the medical types ordered an eight hour test...which also proved inconclusive. (I had run home and made all the latkes while poor Allan was stuck in the ER waiting for some of those eight hours). At the end of the day, literally at the end of the day, he was sent home with a diagnosis of 'probable gall stones' and a requisition for an ultrasound back in the hospital early the next morning. The emergency doctor didn't order a CT scan because he was sure it would prove inconclusive and an ultrasound would be ordered anyway so he thought to save Allan the dose of radiation. That kindness came back to haunt us the following day. The good news was that his heart is fine...or as fine as it's ever going to get all things considered. Those ER doctors were totally impressed that we carry around a miniaturized copy of his last cardiogram...his normal is so bizarre that without it for comparison, they would most likely admit him on the spot!

We spent twelve hours having a couple of tests at the hospital the next day! Srsly. The ultrasound was done right away but then we waited and waited and waited for it to be looked at and when it finally was read by a radiologist, it was i.n.c.o.n.c.l.u.s.i.v.e. and they ordered - a CT scan. Argh!!! In the meantime of course, Allan had to have an IV hooked up 'just in case' and he hadn't eaten since the previous night. I kept asking if he could have something to eat and drink, reminding them that he's diabetic, but I was told no, 'in case he needs surgery.' After seven or eight hours we were beginning to get concerned. The physician's assistant assigned to us tried her best and apologized for the horrible wait; the radiologists were just slammed with cases and they apparently couldn't make up their minds about my husbands test results and kept calling for more consults. Then we heard rumblings about a surgeon coming down to talk to us and 'something would be happening.' Shit, that sounded scary.

Sure enough, a surgical resident appeared to inform us that a large growth has been found on Allan's left adrenal gland and a referral has been made to an oncological surgeon. Wha...???? But,but,but, what about his gall bladder! And the gall stone he might not have totally passed yesterday? You know, the reason we came in here in the first place? I'm positive he hadn't even glanced at Allan's chart as he proceeded to scan it quickly and with a massive show of indifference informed us that since his gall bladder wasn't inflamed there was nothing to be done. End of story as far as he was concerned. He honestly had had no idea Allan was there due to a suspected gall bladder attack...what an ass.

So this is where things stand now. The referral was for a surgeon at the cancer centre which is part of the hospital complex we were in and we have a very good friend who works doing Cancer Treatment Studies in that building and works with all the doctors, including the surgeon we're going to see. I had called her to tell her we were spending the day in the ER and she had come over to visit several times during those long, dreary, anxious hours. She checked when Allan's referral arrived in the surgeon's office and his appointment is this Monday morning during the doctor's clinic. We are clinging to the word *benign* from the initial diagnosis. I like the sound of that. Benign.

Happy Channukah

2009-12-11T11:48:00.003-05:00

We're lighting the first Channukah candle tonight...before sunset to be accurate since it's Friday and Shabbat begins at sunset meaning the Channukah candles have to be lit before the Sabbath candles. Confused? I feel your pain.

Briefly, this is the Channukah story;

According to tradition, Channukah marks the re dedication of the Temple in Jerusalem after its desecration by the Greek forces of Antiochus lV. There was very little oil left that had not been defiled by the Greeks. Oil was needed for the menorah (candelabrum) in the Temple, which was supposed to burn throughout the night every night. There was only enough oil to burn for one day, yet miraculously, it burned for eight days, the time needed to prepare a fresh supply of oil for the menorah. An eight day festival was declared to commemorate this miracle.

After recovering Jerusalem and the Temple, the leader of the Jewish resistance, Judah Maccabee ordered the Temple to be cleansed...the Greeks were big on sacrificing to the Greek gods and pigs were sacrificed on the altar to Zeus. I'm pretty sure the Jews didn't have paper towels on hand for cleaning but Sesame Street has a cute and very abbreviated version of the Channukah story - with paper towels. Enjoy.

A Matter of Trust

2009-12-01T01:12:00.003-05:00

Opening myself up to Sir and trusting him has been a slow process - he's never rushed or pushed me into situations that leave me upset or anxious. In fact sometimes I've wished he would be more forceful and 'scary'...be careful what you wish for.

Sir and I chat a lot and the other day, after establishing that Allan was working in the next room, we had a lengthy talk. Here is part of our conversation;

***I've edited it slightly for typos and to protect the innocent.

Sir: so you could easily get caught if I had you spank yourself right now, right?
me: I'm wearing brown cords and a beige turtleneck
not easily...it's a certainty!
Sir: grins wickedly
me: gulps nervously
I really can't Sir
Sir: can you feel your nerves?
me: I'm having palpitations!
Sir: and this is the best you can ask me to refrain from commanding you to spank yourself right there, right now?
me: my mouth is dry with fear
and I keep making typos
Sir: and yet you don't beg me
me: so you know I'm 'really' scared!
PLEASE don't order me to spank myself
with him so close by!
PLEASE SIR!!
Sir: feel your ass through your cords
me: I KNOW he'll hear the noise and come in to investigate
it's tingling
Sir: spank it
me: done
please don't make me do any more!
Sir: now unbutton it
me: please NO!
Sir: do it!
me: pleeeese
he's soooo close
Sir: unbutton it!
me: and he keeps coming in here
I don't get any warning when he does
Sir: DO IT!
me: pleasse I can't!
PLEASE SIR! I"M BEGGING
Sir: unbutton it
me: dont make me do this
I can't risk it
I'm sorry but it's too risky I can't take the chance
Sir: all I wanted was it unbuttoned.
me: 'deep breath'
okay Sir, and I apologize for not trusting you
It's done
Sir: was that so hard?
me: yes!
no
I should have known you wouldn't put me in danger
Sir: You owe me for this one!
me: covers my eyes
I'm afraid to look
Sir: unbuttoned cords are one thing, you with them around your ankles spanking yourself is another
me: I suppose it is Sir
Sir: shall we find out?
me: do I have any options? smiling sweetly
Sir: you know I wouldn't endanger your situation
me: I'm sorry I didn't trust you more
I just panicked
Sir: without need to
me: you're right Sir
Sir: you are forgiven

Why didn't I trust him enough to obey without all the drama? He's earned my trust with every email and chat we have. He reminds me that our first rule is 'to be safe' and not take risks. He has proven over and over again that he cares about me. Obviously I'm not a very good sub yet since obedience doesn't come easily - or rather it doesn't come easily for tasks that aren't easy! I can be very compliant and snap out 'Yes Sir' with no trouble at all when the task is undemanding but where's the virtue in that? This was a very small challenge and I failed miserably. He deserves better.

Remembrance Day

2009-11-11T00:42:00.007-05:00

I know I mark Remembrance Day every year and thank our veterans for their great sacrifices on our behalf. But this year is different. Having just returned from Europe where I was in Germany and visited Nuremburg as well as Flossenburg Concentration Camp...let's just say I have even more gratitude for what those men and women did in WWII than before.

And as always, this is for my father.

Packing Help from the Domly Side

2009-10-09T00:03:00.002-04:00

So how many Doms does it take to get one submissive packed and ready to leave on a trip? Two apparently, if she seems to have lost the ability to figure out what to take for a three week trip - not exactly rocket science.

Thank goodness for Sir. He's been so encouraging and attentive [I had a migraine take me out of commission for a couple of days on top of everything else] that I have to pinch myself sometimes to be sure I'm not dreaming, it's that good with him. *Gushing & Blushing*

Lucky me, I still have my mentor Lev, in my life too - only he's not quite so indulgent with me and frankly I need that kind of, "Snap out of it." [name the movie] every so often. That or a spanking. *sighs*

So - Paris to Vienna. I am determined to see all of Paris in the three days we have...I'm kidding! I don't do that. Anymore.

I'll take lots of pictures [ok Mimi?] and I hope to be able to post along the way, but I make no promises.

See you next month. Do everything I want to do!

The Purple Ribbon Campaign

2009-10-05T00:28:00.002-04:00

When the news broke that Patrick Swayze had lost his battle with Pancreatic Cancer, I went to tell Allan. He wasn't surprised I was upset but when I broke down and began sobbing, that shocked him and he asked me why I was taking his death so hard. I think I had been secretly harbouring a hope that because he had lasted longer than the average patient with Pancreatic Cancer, he was going to beat it...somehow. I was sorely disappointed and reminded yet again how deadly this cancer is.

These grim statistics are taken from the PanCan web site;

1.Pancreatic Cancer is the 4th leading cause of cancer death
2.The 99% mortality rate is the highest of any cancer
3.Average life expectancy is 3-6 months
4.Early detection is the only hope and at present there is not a tool for early detection
5.Woeful lack of adequate research funding

My younger brother would still only be 50 this year had Pancreatic Cancer not devoured him in six agonizing weeks fourteen years ago. My father didn't make it to his 64th birthday when the same horrible cancer killed him twenty four years ago. I also had a first cousin who passed away within the past couple of years from Pancreatic Cancer. So you see, I have very personal reasons for taking up the cause.

This is Breast Cancer Month, although I am pestered all year long with pink related appeals from all sides...it even occurred on one of the cruises we took. A walk/run had been organized to benefit breast cancer research and donation forms were placed in each cabin. I was not happy. The commercialization and *pinkwashing* of a serious disease is really a separate issue deserving of it's own post. My concern has to do with the funds being sucked up into the breast cancer juggernaut while other cancer research languishes like poor relations hoping for an invitation to the table.

Here's some information that you might find enlightening as it pertains only to women and cancer.

I'm linking to some other sites you can look at and decide for yourselves about how research is funded.

There is this

And this

And this just in.

That being said, I'm posting a link to the 2009-5K Your Way to Conquer Cancer. The link will take you to the Pancreatic Cancer Canada Team page and if you wish to make a donation the easy peasy instructions are there for you. I would be doing the 5k...walking, not running thank you very much, but for the fact that I will be somewhere on a river in Germany when it takes place. And you are my heroes, seriously. Thank you, thank you, thank you! From the bottom of my heart.

Erotic Kiss

2009-09-21T16:08:00.006-04:00

for my Sir who tantalizes and entices me.

Antagonizing pleasure
Placed upon my lips
Where dreams come true
In just one kiss!

Sharing an afternoon of ecstasy
Closing the door on reality
Not even the thickest iceberg
Could melt the lust I feel inside!

I shed my fears faster than my clothes
The anticipation begins to unfold
My heart begins to pound faster
As you come closer

Just one look from your eyes
And I become hypnotized
A river of sins, to which I concede
Just one kiss, caused the undoing of me!

Your lips gently pressed against mine
A silent submission of tongues intertwined
My mouth tenderly pressed against yours
My voice trembles as you start to explore

Electric shocks as your tongue touches mine
An erotic dance of passing time
My heart's racing as fast as yours
My body's craving for something more!

Starving and Craving
For an evening
Of erotic bliss
Where dreams come true
In Just One Kiss.

Author: Unknown

Happy New Year 5770

2009-09-18T11:03:00.001-04:00

I wish all of you a happy, healthy new year

filled with peace and prosperity

An Introduction

2009-09-14T00:38:00.003-04:00

It was just a simple message which appeared one day in my FetLife inbox. I easily could have ignored it - in fact I did for several days. But I was charmed and after checking out the sender's profile, sent an equally brief reply figuring that would most likely be the last I would hear from that 'Lifer. Instead I was very pleasantly surprised to find myself in a delicious flirtation. And it was FUN! I was logging onto Fet with the hope of discovering one of his messages. I knew I would laugh, blush and shake my head as I flirted back...how long had it been since I had done that? I just knew it felt good to be flattered and sought out even if he was doing the same thing with a dozen other women, because at that point I had no way of knowing who or what he was about and frankly, I didn't particularly care.

"I was wondering if you'd care to dance with a man 15 years your junior."

That's when I started to care! For some reason I hadn't seen that coming and was taken completely off guard. Our conversations became more real and less flirtatious as we began the 'Getting to Know You' dance. The very first thing I did was stress that whatever relationship we developed, it could only be in cyberspace. I am not available for a RealTime Relationship.

"I can't 'dance' in real time...only in cyber space."

I practically beat the poor guy over the head with it as I stressed the fact over and over again. I just wanted to make sure everyone was on the same page this time. I was reassured to learn;

"There is no real time for me, as well."

Was it an omen that he was 42, the same age Allan was when we married? The age I've always found men to be at their sexiest and most attractive.

The End

2009-09-04T07:14:00.002-04:00

My relationship with Sir continued to be stressful. I was no longer eagerly anticipating his emails containing instructions for a new task, in fact I was beginning to dread opening them. He seemed to be deliberately ignoring my domestic situation and attempting to claim more and more of my time with assignments that were, well...time consuming! I was making myself sick trying to complete them on time and not get caught by my husband.

While I enjoyed the benefits of cumming on command and hypno bondage, I didn't share his passion for hypnosis. He had literally dozens of scenarios in his mind but I was beginning to find a steady diet of erotic hypnosis, boring.

Despite my misgivings, Sir told me that he was happy with my progress as a sub and was becoming 'quite fond of me.' Unfortunately, while IM'ing with him on Skype one night, [we couldn't talk because Allan was up and about] I stuck my foot in my mouth by making what I thought was a lighthearted, bantering comment to something he said. I guess I don't have to tell you he wasn't happy with me - only I couldn't 'read' him via print and didn't stop but just kept digging myself in deeper until he totally lost it. In my defence I should say that only took one sentence. I apologized immediately, wrote him an email before I went to bed apologizing more fully, and then again the next day wrote to him again with another apology, I received this 'don't worry about it, it's my fault.' sort of email, listing what he wasn't getting from the relationship [sex] and how I had better be able to talk [out loud!] next time we scheduled a Skype session. I had been very sure of my commitment before that happened, but since that hadn't been the first incident of him losing his temper out of preportion to the offence and getting progressively angrier as he typed...I decided I'd had enough.

In what I thought was a totally back assward idea, Sir - after he cooled off and decided what he wanted to do, decided to step back and now have a probationary period.

"You are not fully trained and I should not have been so quick to be so familiar with you."

None of it really mattered at that point. I had disengaged emotionally. I was done. I'm sure he was right in his assessment of the situation and the solution - more service oriented tasks, but there were too many troublesome aspects of the relationship which I couldn't ignore. I felt as though I was being bullied and I hadn't signed up for that.

My first D/s relationship was over at the end of May.