Therapeutic Ramblings

Collecting anger

2010-09-19T14:46:00.000+10:00

There goes the Raya holidays. I had a list of things to do but I didn't accomplish most of them. Oh well.

I did something really stupid today. I guess it was because I was angry at a lot of different things. Perhaps it had something to do with my stomach discomfort and PMS as well. Hearing my brother curse was the final straw. Now I'm paying the price of my stupidity with some ice. Meh.

I made a prediction about a friend. Perhaps I'm being too pessimistic but I'm just following trends here. I wouldn't know though, if my prediction comes true. If it does, it just proves one thing and I shall be happy to know that I'm right. Haha.

I learnt one important thing during the holidays. "You don't lose anything if you forgive".

I'm trying very hard to follow this. It's a bit hard when people don't realise that they've done something wrong and actually seek for that forgiveness but back to the saying, it's not like you'll lose anything. When the time comes for them to change and seek forgiveness from God, they can rest assured that their slate with you is clean.

Oh and one more thing. I was contemplating about people who have to choose sides between their husbands and their families. Both are important, yes? But how do you choose which side to lie on when opinions differ? To be direct, women are supposed to side with their husbands but AHAH! Only if their husbands are right and not against God. So i figured, idealistically, the only way to judge which party to agree with, is to use God and your beliefs as your compass. What do you think God would want you to do? What do you think he'd rather you pick?

Wow. More spiritual mumbo jumbo. I can already guess what some people might say. Whatever. Just bask in the complacency that I've forgiven you anyway. But not before I mock your inflated ego and imagine the day you fall off that pedestal you planted yourself on. But maybe then, you wouldn't forgive me for saying that. Hmm.

I was made for loving you baby

2010-09-02T02:25:00.000+10:00

I'm gonna make this quick coz I'm supposed to be asleep by now. :B

These past few days have been quite magical. Not the whimsical sort that transports you to faerie-land but more of the unbelievable and genuinely incredible sort.

Had a heartfelt discussion with my sweethearts from High School and I'm still floored by how sweet they were with what I had to share. Thank you girls. I love you loads! :)

One of my friends had finally made a well thought out choice. Congratulations hun! Good luck with the future. Seems to look pretty lovely to me. ;)

Met some of my Sydney friends and a short catch-up with Erin left me quite content and happy with my choice. You have no idea babe, how much those words meant to me. How you said that what I'm doing is my strong point and that at the end of the day, what matters is that you're happy and you're enjoying what you're doing. I applaud how you're able to just go with the flow and not think too hard and too much about things that would complicate your life. Thank you for sharing that with me Erin. :)

And the best thing, is realising just exactly why I'm with my man. How God is at the center of our relationship and that He is the reason we're together until today. I know it's still a lot to ask for and that I'm nothing but a tiny grain of sand in this vast space and world but I keep on praying for the best from Him.

I'm glad I can be there for you honeybee, just like how you've been there for me. :-*

Okay off to bed now. Tomorrow is a FULL day. Le Sigh. Toods!

Fluffy Flowers

2010-08-22T12:25:00.000+10:00

It's a gorgeous Sunday and all I can think of is sitting at a nice cafe outdoors and sipping some awesome Latte. I was all set to bathe and rush out the door with my laptop and work in hand then I remembered:

Eh, Ramadhan la.

I forgot because I'm not fasting, see. Yes, it's THAT time of the month again. So perhaps, I'd have to be content in taking away my coffee and sipping it somewhere private.

Even so, I do love Ramadhan. Somehow, your efforts feel much more appreciated during this month. You somewhat feel stronger with each choice you make. Your prayers seem more genuine and your heart seems to calm down faster.

I love fluffy ranunculus and hydrangea. I feel like using them as blusher brushes.

image from: Ruffled Blog

Me thinks me should change the blog layout. It's so depressing and teenage-y. Haha. Okay off I go to scour the net for something new. :D

Enjoy the rest of your weekend! :)

2010-08-03T09:39:00.000+10:00

One day I'll have a name card with this on it:

Shaheera Djafar

People Disappointer

Specialises in letting other people down

Awesome. Once I get it printed, I'll pass it to you.

You Crazy BumBum

2010-08-02T01:52:00.000+10:00

I wish I could open my own cafe like Whisk one day. I think great things happen at cosy cafes. People write epic stories, they fall in love, heal a broken heart, close business deals, make new friends and accumulate a wealth of knowledge (whether it's by eavesdropping, reading or conversing with other people).

You've definitely got to have good coffee and awesome food. A nice atmosphere is essential too. Sigh. I really wish I could set one up and I do believe some of my gfs would love to do so too.

I've been listening to Lady Antebellum's Need You Now. It's the nice kind of emo. As in it isn't as depressing as a certain mister Blunt. :B

I'm not sure if I'm doing things right and I do know that things aren't peachy but somehow, I feel like sticking around. I guess it has something to do with watching my girls speak up more in class, a certain boy catching up with his friends and letting my babies go onto the next level. The amount of pride surpasses everything I've done so far. These are people's lives we're talking about. It's not personal gain or running the rat race. It's watching kids grow.

I do have to be honest, there are the bad eggs as well who try as I might, can't seem to grow up and are just adamant about being ignorant. There's also my own performance of course. I will never be able to be on par with the seniors and at times tend to struggle with executing my plans. However, it's the tiny improvement I see in myself day by day that makes me strive to keep on going. Sometimes it's a matter of one step ahead and two steps back but it's still a challenge to myself to see how far I can go. I do realise that I may not really be the best for this job but God knows I'm trying REALLY hard. This time I can safely say I mean it.

Okay. Time to schleeeeppp.

Oh My I Didnt Know I had to APPROVE Comments! Sorry! :B

2010-07-24T20:12:00.000+10:00

Back again after another long hiatus. I haven't blogged partially because I have this fear that one of my superiors might google me and land on this space. We wouldn't want them to catch me moaning in agony or screaming bloody murder, would we?

I've had my what, fourth infection in the past two months. I had ulcers on my throat. Yes. THROAT. I got really upset at first then I got really fascinated and obsessed. I kept persuading people to look at my throat but they'd politely refuse. Hmph. You don't know what you're missing. I'm better now if you're wondering, Alhamdulillah.

My best friend got hitched. Congrats Faezah! :D Solehah just got engaged this morning. Ah another one bites the dust. Congrats!

I am slowly starting to HATE the person I've become. I've lost count of the amount of people who get upset with me. This includes family, friends and colleagues. I disappoint them continuously every single day and I'm quite sick of it.

It's okay you know, having separate lines for your separate lives just so long as they're parallel and whenever they interact they don't get tangled up. My lines look like Kolzac had run through and made them into a spherical mass coated with cat saliva and fur balls. My body is filled with so much negative energy it would make Darth Vader proud.

I don't know what's the point of writing this down. Doesn't feel therapeutic anymore. Maybe because once I log off, things are the same. Tomorrow someone else will get upset with me and the next day someone would wish they could strangle me. And all the while I'd wish I were somewhere else alone. But no, they'd find a way to get me and inject huge amounts of guilt into my head and heart that I'd have to come home where the same cycle would continue. If being sick didn't make it stop nothing probably will. Oh WELL.

I just want people to understand me and leave me alone.

Shancho

2010-05-30T21:56:00.000+10:00

Oh lordy has it been awhile.

Well hello. I know I've been MIA lately. Those who still peruse my blog or get auto updates will finally be able to see WHY I've slipped from the radar. Yay.

I didn't have internet in Sydney so i was MIA since then. When I got back I had an interview and recuperation at home and we all know internet at home is a B-I-T*bleep bleep*. So yes. MIA again. And then the week after I started working straight. 5 days. Sometimes till 10pm. And I was teaching tuition too. Needless to say, I was a mess everytime I got home. Weekends were spent sleeping or trying to catch some 'me' time. Hectic man.

Is it just me or am I having a problem stringing my words together? Must be the excitement of blogging again. Hah.

Oh yes, about that job. I'm teaching kids to read and write in English. I don't really agree with the education system here so I thought I might as well do something about it than complain to my peers over a cup of coffee or in a chatroom. I wouldn't say I'm good at it. I don't have that natural talent with children or in teaching for that matter. But at least I'm trying. And if I can get my kids to feel good about their achievements and if I get to see how their eyes shine when something in their brains click when learning something new, that's all that matters to me. And I simply can't resist the cute ones with their baby voices and tiny feet. :D

Okay. I'm off now. Hope I haven't made anyone thoroughly pissed off with my disappearance. :) Toods.

No Disrespecting Me

2010-03-29T16:54:00.000+11:00

I'm thankful for the girlfriends I have. Somehow, in their presence I feel safe. I don't know if they realise it or not but they're the sweetest people I know. They make fun of you yes, but they do it to your face and it's never in a mean way.

No backstabbing, no prejudice, no disrespect.

These are the ones I want to keep, InsyAllah forever.

Thank you, loves. I do believe you'd know who you are. :)

Dilemmas and Balls

2010-03-17T18:02:00.000+11:00

After all these years I do realise why I have to go through the same situations over and over again. At first I thought it was a cruel joke but I now know that it's because I'm meant to learn something from these dilemmas and grow some set of balls to face it in the future.

Well, it's safe to say that I have. Hoho. Well at least I think I have. *check pants*

I used to get really upset earlier and equate myself to a failure at being the better option. I used to beat myself up about it, thinking that I didn't have what it took to distract them. Now i know that it's not enough to find solace in someone or something healthier, it's also essential that you acknowledge, understand and accept that the lesser of the options is not good for you. Only then, can you take the plunge and forget about it. And believe me, it takes awhile for this to sink in. All the third party has to do is wait and not allow themselves to be part of the problem. It's no use fitting yourself into the predicament because trust me, you have NOTHING to do with it.

So there you have it. It just hit me that what I've cried over for the past six years has made me able to face this with a smile, a sigh and plenty of patience.

To those on the other end of the spectrum, hey, it's not the end of the world. Look ahead. The road is paved with plenty of good things. Just don't keep glancing back because then, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the ride. :)

oops

2010-03-13T18:59:00.002+11:00

Oops. I didn't mean to misinterpret my bf or show some lack of faith in God. I do apologise. Perhaps I lost what I was trying to get across while I was conveying everything my way.

I didn't mean to say God would give us things we don't deserve. He is after all Just and whatever He gives is what we're meant to have. Perhaps I misunderstood what my bf told me (the perils of early morning phonecalls) and got all worked up about the whole thing.

Maybe you might see this as a way for me to 'cover' for my boyfriend. Well, since I did miss out a few other key sentences in our conversation, I wouldn't want anyone to think less of him. It isn't fair for him to be judged based on what I say and not of what he actually shows or says to you. What my bf said was pretty much what we're all taught when it comes to prayers: You work hard for something and you pray and leave it to God. It's the 'tawakal' part he was emphasising on.

Perhaps it isn't my place to discuss about these matters. I am after all an ignorant little girl who is lost in love and unrealistic. So maybe it's wise for me to just shut up.

Thank you for bringing the inconsistencies to light anyway. :)

Prayers for you

2010-03-09T14:16:00.000+11:00

I am feeling a little bit helpless. You see, the bf just told me about how we're meant to pray to God. He says that yes, it is still up to Him to grant our wishes or not but even if He did, it doesn't neccessarily mean it's for the best and whether it's with His full blessing or not.

Just because you ask for something a million times, when the time comes for Him to fulfill those prayers, it doesn't mean that you actually deserve what you get. Which is why, sometimes those things you ask for don't work out and end up causing more heartache. Apparently, you have to end all your prayers with something that indicates you leave it all to Him and hope that it's given with His blessings.

This made me feel less than hopeful. All this time, I've been praying so hard for some things, to the point of tears and when I got them, they were not what I had imagined. Example: Honours. Enough said. What made me scared was that I'm praying so hard for this relationship and if He grants what I want, it would only be short-lived because maybe I'm only meant to be with this guy now, not in the future. Yes. This scares the bejeezus out of me.

I do remember though, the last time I left everything to God and told him that I would accept whatever He thought was best for me, I ended up with this guy. So that made me a tiny bit relieved. But that still doesn't confirm that I'll have him forever. :( Sigh.

However, I did alot of thinking and I realised that no matter what you end up getting, even if the results are undesirable, if you have absolute faith that it's for the best and you acknowledge that it wasn't meant for you, the pain and sadness will be shortlived because something better will come your way.

Sigh.

Lucifer is not Funny, he's Mean

2010-03-07T23:40:00.000+11:00

Last night I gave into childish temptation and watched Cinderella under the covers. Despite its obvious misguiding information, like how on Earth could mice talk and wear 'human' clothes, this Disney classic does teach us a thing or two about human behaviour.

For instance, Cindy's fairy godmother granted her wishes and bade her off to the Ball. She made everything perfect, except that she only had until midnight to revel in her splendour. Now, if it were normal young ladies at this day and age, I can bet you a hundred bucks that the first thing out of their mouths would be: "What??!! Only MIDNIGHT?". Then, the whining would ensue. Cinderella on the other hand, said that it was more than she had hoped for and proceeded to float on Cloud 9 all the way to the Palace.

From that example, I deduced that miracles only happen to really good girls who accept and tolerate other people despite their flaws. And also girls who never complain or are not impossibly rude.

Another thing about this movie was that it did not push the idea of love at first sight as something normal or expected. The Duke sarcastically relayed to the King a situation where the Prince might miraculously be attracted to one girl from across the room and fall for her instantly as they dance the night away. However, while he was describing each little move out loud (condescendingly, I might add), the Prince really was acting it all out with Cinderella in the Ballroom below.

How I saw it was, of course we are programmed to think that falling in love at first sight or falling head over heels in a short period of time is impossible. What more wanting to spend the rest of your life with a person you do not know much about. Despite all that, these things actually DO happen in real life too. And the fact that it does, makes it extra special and nothing short of a miracle. After all, Cinderella wasn't your average girl. She deserved some magic in her life after years of child abuse.

Yes, I do realise I've been peppering this post with 'miracle' and 'miraculous'. It was the theme for Cinderella. Or any other Disney movie with Princessess. Anyway, I'll leave you to your normal, adult life now. Toods!

Why a girlfriend needs a boyfriend

2010-03-02T16:12:00.000+11:00

I got this from HERE:

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend who will always have time to give her hugs and forehead kisses. Who can fix her favorite things. Who teaches her, she is important by stopping what he is doing just to watch her. Who will laugh at her and with her at all the right moments. Who does not mind when she steps on his shoes while dancing.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to learn that when he says it will be okay soon, it will. To tell her that not all is hopeless even when she feels like it. To show her, how it feels to be loved unselfishly.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to teach her that her value as a person is more than the way she looks. To give her a strong willful character. To feel whole and complete. To remind her of the comfort of being held near and feeling secure. Who will not punish her for her mistakes, but help her learn from them. To help her try again whenever she fails. To share with her, the wisdom she has not yet acquired.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to calm her down when she is stressed by her challenges. Who will make sacrifices so she will not have to sacrifice. Who will influence her life, even when he is not with her. To show her to embrace her flaws. To teach her to stand up for herself. To hold her just because she wants to be held. To teach her to believe she deserves to be treated well. To protect her when she is not wise enough to protect herself. To teach her that forgiving is a natural thing to do. To teach her that she can forgive more than once. To teach her that respect is to be earned as he has earned hers. To teach her to preserve her dignity through difficult times.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to teach her what it means to always be there. To be the safe spot, she can always run to. TO SHOW HER NOT ALL BOYS ARE LIKE THE ONES WHO HAVE HURT HER. To be the standard which she will judge all men. So that when no one else is there for her, she can close her eyes and see him. To show her that true love is unconditional.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend so she will know what it is like to be someone’s favorite. To help her find her way in life. To join her journey when she is too afraid to walk alone. To pull her back when she is headed in the wrong direction. So she will have at least ONE HERO who won’t let her down. Who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else’s world, she is the center of his..

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend because without him, she will have LESS in her life than she deserves.

And that made me cry a little. And it made me miss him even more.

All my Exes Live in Texas

2010-02-22T03:05:00.002+11:00

Is it healthy to be jealous or at the very least, wary of your partner's exes? Especially those he/she is still more than chummy with. You know, smses, random outbursts of surpressed feelings and hints or reminders of what they used to have and how great it was. Or perhaps several SOS calls that make your partner rush to their side claiming 'i still love him/her as a friend! I can't just leave them in pain/heartache/trouble' and proceed to lend their shoulder to cry on.

Hmm. Sounds familiar. Oh wait, I've been there! Many times! Always the exes. Jeez. Friends are fine. Like that Gwen Stefani song Cool. Confessions of pent up love that hasn't diminished after years, not fine. Lots of physical contact that reignites certain feelings, you're screwed man.

Yeah, not really fun is it? Hearing them comfort other people who used to shack up with them. Or unwillingly giving the green light for them to still meet up for coffee every week or so. Visualising how they used to touch, how the words he/she utters to you was once used on this other person (or persons), how they previously shared the same dreams. Great, my heart is knotting up just thinking about it.

Oh well......since I have had experience then it should be something I'd be prepared to tackle. All those years of watching people I was with cry over another girl or make sacrifices for someone else should equip me with the hardened guts to face all that without cringing.

disclaimer: I am still very much in love and happy. Just so you'd know. Haha.

Mooching

2010-02-06T15:13:00.000+11:00

Just a gentle reminder for those who like to mooch at their friends or relatives' place:

Do your own dishes.

Wash your own clothes, or at least your undies. Your ass doesn't smell like roses.

Clean up after yourself and make sure the place looks as tidy as it was when you first arrived.

Come on. I'd rather scoop a pile of dead cockroaches swimming in dark stagnant water than have a Tarago full of people sleepover at my house without pulling their weight.

Fact: I just did this today. Why? Because I cleaned up my host's bathroom and now it looks MUCH cleaner than when I arrived. Yes. I'm bragging because I hate it when people mess up my bathroom.

And dude, it never hurt to offer to pay for groceries AT LEAST ONCE during your stay. ESPECIALLY when you've got your whole family leeching off my friggin fridge.

Yes, I'm sorry if this is a bit emo. I know I've mooched before but I never let people wash my undies or eat truckloads of their food. Sometimes I cook and bake for them too using my own money. I also buy back treats for them when I go out. And I've even gone out of my way to do THEIR laundry for them a few times. I know I could do more but it's still better than not contributing at all.

And what do you do when you have a moocher?

Forget to cook meals when you know you're not eating at home.

Don't go out of your way to please them.

Stick grocery receipts on the fridge door. At eye level. With Highlighted totals.

Leave notes to ask if they can help. Like "oh no! I forgot to wash the toilet today! Can you help me please? Thanks!". Sometimes moochers are willing to help if asked.

So there you go. Some tips for moochers and those being mooched. Hopefully, those leeches will grow a set of balls and stop being a nuisance to other people. Word.

Gentlemen and Grace

2010-02-04T18:52:00.000+11:00

I was reading this post by the Satorialist about how gentlemen should behave and the virtues of grace. It's really great to see so many men out there who take the time to show the ladies in their life just how special they are. It doesn't matter if she's your wife, mother or daughter. All these small gestures that indicate how in tune you are to their needs and subtle wants, show how much you care for them. Trust me, they will appreciate you more this way.

I'm hoping my brother would find the time to view all the comments because God knows how much I want him to grow up to be a charming gentleman. Full of poise, good humour and graceful manners. I know he doesn't need much work, he is raised by such wonderful people after all, but it would be good to remind him that it's not just about 'Please' and 'Thank Yous'.

Oh and I would like to say how thankful i am to get my own gentleman. Small things like cleaning my workspace for me without being patronising and stocking up my fridge with all the goodies I love like dark chocolates and sweet cherries. All without me asking. :)

Self Esteem and Other Things

2010-02-01T21:41:00.000+11:00

Everyone's been asking me what my dreams are for the future. If you remember, I stated I had no dreams. That is not entirely true. I do have them, but they would entice you to either laugh or frown in disapproval. Or both.

I have very low self esteem when it comes to what I'm good at and what I can achieve. I'm the ultimate pessimist, ending each good quality someone names with a 'but it's not as good as...' or 'oh, it's not THAT great but okayla, sometimes'. Don't get me wrong, this does not include other things in my life. I am TOTALLY confident I can finish that dessert after a hearty dinner or that I can walk across the Harbour Bridge by myself in the midst of a dust storm. It's just these other things like my skills and where I see myself in 10 years. I just can't find the confidence to see myself accomplish great things. I can actually give you a list of all the things I'm bad at after all these years of self depreciation.

Oh, I'm also however, very optimistic when it comes to other people's lives. I can be the best cheerleader you need. I know everyone has the potential to do whatever they want (unfortunately, this doesn't extend to personal development). They just need the coaxing to come out of their shells. I'll hold your hand, I'll pick you up when you're stuck on the floor in a heaping, sobbing mess. I'll even lie to you, if that's what you need to stop from jumping out the building. All this if you let me.

I can even rationalise why my friends hurt me. I understand why they say certain things, why they bite back and eventually I forgive them and beg them to forgive me. I can materialise reasons for people's actions without them even interacting with me. And no matter how much a person has hurt me, I still give them the benefit of the doubt (even if it's from afar :P)

Although of course, it doesn't work ALL the time. (woohoo pessimism kicks in again!)

So yes. I have low self esteem. And please don't take things personally. It's not a personal attack or an act of defiance. It's not all about you or just about me. And I don't think anyone really understood my previous post. All that talk can't permeate through the bubble remember? I can only read straight up choices. I make decisions by elimination. That's how God created me. And again I stress this, it's not all about you or just about me. I'm not trying to diss you or shun you. Please.

A Bubble

2010-01-28T14:42:00.000+11:00

I'm in a bubble. Perfectly spherical and elusive to sound.

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads. Right in front of me is a huge signboard that indicates where each lane goes. I stare at it but it's empty. No squiggles or hard to discern words. Clean. Empty.

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads waiting. People pass by and tell me where to go but I can't hear them. It's the bubble, I gesture. They give me food to sustain for the day but after awhile it's not enough. They smile and laugh but they always leave. Who would sit at a crossroads with a girl they don't know, when there's fields to plough and fruits to reap?

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads waiting for someone to write on the signboard. Then at least I would know which way to go.

GMH

2010-01-20T23:11:00.001+11:00

I just put this site link up on my other blog but it was too good not to share it here too. I'm addicted to reading this because Yes, it Gives me Hope too but also because some of them are SUPER sweet and they made me cry. Hehe. Here's some:

-Last May, I tried to kill myself. When I got home from the hospital, my family barely said a word.
I went to bed in tears, until my little brother woke me up and dragged me onto our garage roof. He sat and watched the stars with me for two hours, telling me he loved me, and that he wants to make everything better.
My 9yr old brother GMH.

-A few months ago, my grandmother died of cancer.
With the few words she had left, she told me where to find my Christmas presents for the next three years, my high school graduation present, and my wedding present. As her youngest grandchild, she wanted to make sure she could be there for me even after she was gone.
Her love and thoughtfulness GMH

-Today is my friend's 16th birthday, he died on the 22nd of December 2009.
I found out a few days ago that he passed away when shots were fired after he saved a 15 year old girl from being raped by 3 men. She got away.
His selflessness GMH.

-A long time ago, I went to see a band at a small club in Chicago, the band was unknown and broke.
After the show, they scraped up enough money to go and buy fast food for all the homeless men near the club.
The band? Fall Out Boy.
Good karma GMH.

Ok i think I have to stop. I cant see the screen anymore. It really makes you evaluate what kind of person you really are and what kind of person you want to be.

I honestly want to be a better muslim, sister, daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend and friend. I am nowhere near these wonderful people and I know now that I need to be less selfish and to be kinder to other people.

A Matter of Faith

2010-01-17T14:02:00.000+11:00

I had a discussion recently about how you can overcome so many things when you set your mind to something. We exchanged stories on how powerful the human psyche is and how miracles can happen if you push yourself hard enough.

Now please forgive me if this isn't an exact account of the story. I heard it from someone else who read it somewhere. Scepticism is understood and forgiven.

There's a story of this person who was diagnosed with cancer and had only a month to live. He didn't want to die so he researched and read his way through scientific steps to rid himself of his illness. He stocked up on positive energy, be it from people or music or lectures. He discarded the negative vibes which included friends who pitied him and didn't believe that he would make it. Every day he would imagine fighting the cancer cells in his brain. He envisioned every single process down to the chemicals needed to disable the unstoppable mutants. He took everything he learned and mentally performed these reactions in his head to make sure he got better. After a month he went for his checkup. The doctors couldn't believe their eyes when they saw the tumour was gone. They checked everything and he wasn't sick AT ALL.

Now, I'm not saying everyone who tries this will surely survive. Our fate is still in the hands of God. But this just illustrates how amazing our own willpower and faith is and how capable we are to change our lives.

I'm a big believer in faith, willpower and prayers. I am sure from my innermost core that if you ask for something important from God sincerely without ulterior motives and you have utmost faith that God will grant you what is best for all parties, things will fall into place and get better. As long as this is constant, InsyAllah you will be rewarded because He is fair and just after all. :)

It's all matter of faith. Be it in a Divine Being or yourself or both.

I'll Wait For You

2010-01-13T23:04:00.000+11:00

I remember my auntie telling me how she doesn't understand why some couples have to be sooo attached at the hip and just have their love lives fizzle and fade after a few years into the marriage. She said, 'look at your parents, still holding hands until now. But look at F and L who don't even walk next to each other anymore. They used to be inseparable!'.

And then I thought of how my parents were one of those couples in Uni who were never seen apart. Yeah. They were apparently inseparable too, according to their friends. But here they are, 26 years on, holding hands in public, getting gifts for each other and having bfast or dinner together without the kids.

It still works no? She makes him tea without him asking. He needs her by his side on weekend mornings. They have this deep understanding for each other and to this day, it amazes me that they're still so sweet with each other. Alhamdulillah.

Another thing I thought was why does one have to dispense what they really feel just because they don't want to feel disappointed when it doesn't last in the long run? I think it's much better to act the way you feel than postpone it or supress it to avoid bitterness in the future. Who knows if you'll get it or not? Allah can tarik balik anytime so might as well make the most of it while you can.

Oh and I don't think your partner should JUST be made up of sensible things. Like how they're dependable or adored by the parents. I don't think you should base your preference solely on that. Correction: you should if that's what floats your boat but I WON'T. What I want (and I believe I've explained this to you readers time and time again) is someone who, whenever I see or think of, makes me tingle from my scalp to my toes. I can feel love oozing into every blood vessel. When you're in love with someone, you don't just want to have intellectual conversations or watch blockbuster movies. You want to sit in silence and enjoy the warmth that radiates from their smooth skin. You want to hum your favourite songs while the wind blows through their sweet smelling tresses. You want to hear them laugh that cute laugher at all the jokes you make. You want to steal glances and offer hidden smiles while queing for food at opposite ends of the room.

You want to feel special.

I am officially a sack full of SAP.

Okay. Toodles!

These Lights Will Inspire You

2010-01-12T20:53:00.003+11:00

I would just like to demonstrate to you how moodswings work. Notice previous post and the lethargy that ensued the following day. Now see this huge grin on my face today, a product of a cute conversation with mother dearest (she was laughing at why I'm not matured and yet not at home in her arms) and today's outing with the boy (who kept making me see my strong points) where I finally got a planner and Boost juice yay!

Oh and also this:

Curi from Faezah's blog. Hahaha.

Aaaannnd this:
Ngahahahahaha. Now that demonstrates how much I look like her. Trust me when I say, my moodswings are also from her. Muahaha. But she's better now, that's for sure. :D Something about transsumthin meditation..hoho. Oh and I still wear that shirt to go out. It's comfy!

As you can see. I'm absolutely chipper. A far cry from the weekend's sobfest. But let's not celebrate too early yeah. Another thing about moodswings is that it'll flip back anyyytime..:D

Okay. My bowels are doing the fandango. And I'm watching Elle Woods. So Toodles!

Not Cutting It

2010-01-10T02:04:00.002+11:00

Please be forewarned that I have just previously endured 4 hours of heat and and an extra 4 hours of walking in the CBD. I am also currently pms-ing. PMS Buddy doesn't lie. Neither do my pimples.

I fell utterly talentless. I have no amazing gift brought down from generations. I can't cook, I can't sing, I can't dance. I'm a downright shame. I can't even write properly. No poetry, no fiction, no research papers. All I do is ramble incoherently.

I am absolutely shy to the point of adverting my gaze from my own reflection when doing uninhibited things in front of the mirror. (shut up). I get stage fright easily. I take everything as a joke. I can't let myself go and lose myself in things. So Unsexy, no?

Yes. Right now I feel like I am at the bottom of the sewer. Carrying dreams that involve just being able to see the stars. I don't understand why I'm feeling this blue. I'm dripping tears of shame at being someone that just doesn't cut everyone's expectations. My parents, my friends, my teachers, my boyfriend. I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry if I'm not enough for any of you.

Okay. Crying leads to headaches. Off to bed. Thank you.

Just you to Royalty

2010-01-07T18:03:00.003+11:00

You know sometimes I go off on this ranting tangent in my head where I zoom in on a problem and let out all my anger or hurt at it. Most times it can even get physical up there in my mind.

One thing I picture myself doing is hitting something with a baseball bat or pitching the baseball at something (or someone). Regardless of the fact that I've NEVER played baseball my entire life. Hee.

Another favourite fantasy of mine is running amok with a mosquito racquet. You know what that is? That racquet that holds instead of strings, wires that conduct electricity and are designed to fry flying insects that get caught in it. Don't ask me why. I just like the thought of zapping people who get on my nerves or at least scare them in the process. :D

Sigh. It's one of those gloomy days where you feel like suddenly everything is wrong with you. How come she doesn't love me anymore? Why isn't he talking to me? How come I don't have any real talent? Why don't I have any dreams?

Oh, but I DID watch The Princess and the Frog. YAYYYYY! I cried of course. It would be totally uncharacteristic of me to not cry. Sigh. Disney is still teaching little girls that true love can happen in a day or two. But I suppose when you go through so much catastrophe in that same time, you tend to bond well with the person you're sharing it with. What? I read it somewhere! I've seen it too! :B Sigh.

Oh, and le boyfriend got me the cutest card ever. It had this song in it:

Sigh. Just the man I need. One who understands and supports this weird obsession with being a Disney princess. Hahaha.

Nitty Gritty

2010-01-02T01:33:00.002+11:00

I miss the person you used to be.
The one who looked at me through tears in their eyes and let me help pick things up.
The one who would listen to my worries over a cup of coffee.
The one who gave their full support and doled out great advice.
I miss that.
I wonder what mistakes I made to make you do a one eighty.
And still, everyday I pray you turn back. Because I still need you and your prayers.

Faezah is totally right when she says, there are some things you need to keep to yourself. You don't have to share every little nitty gritty detail with your other half or your family. Don't get me wrong, it isn't lying. Just an elimination of certain technicalities. Sometimes these small points make or break a relationship. Certain images tend to burn themselves permanently into a person's mind. Thus, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie than awaken a sense of unease and awkwardness.

Can you make someone like you? Not like like. You know, just genuinely friendly like. I have made people who hate me like me. But I don't know if at this day and age it's still possible to do so. I've got the guns and the ammo, but have they got thicker armour? I wish I could make the people I genuinely like, like me back. Forever. But then again, if these people don't appreciate me even after trying, then why should I be running with that pack ever again? The ones worth keeping are the ones who don't need you to keep mending fences and accepts the whole package, even your ugly flaws.