Envy, jealousy.... or just Scandulous Hope?

Envy, Jealousy, or Just Scandalous Hope 3

2012-01-18T15:09:00.002-05:00

Heyo, I bet you were thinking there would nothing else to write. Well there's a few questions which I've left unanswered about my journey. I know it seems quite frivolous to continue but, sometimes the message never get across. Going back to what was said on the last page about a woman whom felt attracted too. I just wanted to clarify that my attraction is only physical... physically she's my type. What a number of you didn't clearly understand was that I needed to state this for myself.

I feel like I can share with you and hopefully you'll consider the situation that I'm in. For one I found out that she's not the blond that has been stalking me online and offline for nine years. Her friends seem to feel that I'm a danger to her for reasons unknown.  After walking away from a job that I felt was going to help me to progress and keep me away from the homeless lifestyle, I had also heard the roomers of myself possibly someone giving me a place to live in.  I couldn't tell you if these roomers are or not. What I can tell you is that there has been no such discussion at anytime.  I never would accept a bribe like this from anyone regardless of who they are. One has to wonder why anyone would give me a place to live rent free.

Is their goal to gain the media connection that I have through me? I'm very much concerned if that is the case. When I wanted to express my feelings to the individuals that clearly stated that I shouldn't say anything to her about what I felt about her. I wasn't heard correctly, for I was never given the to say anything, and kept my mouth shut and never stated what I felt to anyone. Having the intention to place me in this position would most likely make venerable and suseptable to their games.   I don't play the games, don't agree with them, nor do I like the games. I'm not an abuser!!

She was manipulated, intimidated, bullied her into stalking me online and offline. I remember going through this before while working for the public school board. When I was the new guy on the scene, custodians who've been there for a number of years have built a repore with these 3 women who noticed the confidence within me.  They're threatened by your confidence, they lack this because of the games. I'd name them to but, that's what they want. I won't be giveing them that credit they'll have to earn that on their own. I do understand how people whom have some direct connection to her are very protective of her, rather their trophy but, I know she's more than that, she better than that... I know it!

It's understandable that they feel this way, I've seen this type of behaviour before.  Since being here, I've always kept in mind that she never approached me on her own. Not getting the chance to develop a level of trust to know her leaves a bitter feeling. Even though I've gone through all this I hold no grudges about anything. It 's a learning experience that can be fixed.   I'm feeling that some of her friends used her to get to me. You know I used to have a fear of heights no one but my eldest brother, and a pastor of presbyterian church knew of this and he helped me get over my fear.   When I was about nine years old I always had this of crossing this bridge near my house, it was on the way to the church.

We had to cross the bridge to get to the church, it was a small bridge, something that you can hang jump from. But, I always had a fear of crossing. There was a time that I wanted to be an altar boy like my brother, I envied my brother, he was a natural at everything. He was an altar-boy too. Everytime we went to church together, I practically crushed his hand while crossing this bridge. My pastor told me normally he only chose boys who were only from 12 years but, gave me a chance to prove myself.

The following sunday I was ready my brother started off the day early an extra half-hour. We had breakfast, my brother jetted out the door faster than normal I did what I could to catch up, hoping to catch up before crossing that bridge.  By the time I did catch up, he was already on the otherside and still trekking up that hill. I decided to take a short cut, I got to the otherside alright.. I crossed under the bridge which caused me to be late.

The pastor told me that I lost my chance, I was so disappointed. After the pastor asked why I was late, he was confused because I left the same time my brother but got there 10 minutes late. I told him what I did to get there and he gave me a second chance. But, this time he challenged me to cross over the bridge, and not go under. In my mind I started to panic, just the thought alone made me weep inside. Feeling terrified not wanting to do this task. But, I wanted to be an altar-boy so desperately because my brother was one.

The following Sunday, we woke up had breakfast and my brother left moments before me, leaving me half dressed, still eating. I speratically rushed outside trying to find him because I couldn't cross without him. He went out the back and I went through the front searching for him. Not realizing that he was already in the field. I found myself at the top of the hill, yelling out to him hoping he would wait for me. I ran as hard as I could by the time I caught up he was on half of the bridge, I cried out to him "PLEASE WAIT, I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU"... sobbing for his help he refused to stop. I fell on my knees begging and crying.. fearing that I wouldn't get across.

By the time I mustard up the strength, he had already crossed to the other side of the bridge and almost out of sight. Remembering what the pastor had said, "To find courage one must face their fears", so I started walking along the shoulder of the bridge facing traffic behind me with my eyes partially closed, not seeing the rocks below. I finally got across, feeling really good after crossing the bridge I got to the church on time, dressed for mass with feelings of joy. To this day I've always sought any challenge no matter how high or long and have never looked back.

Envy, Jealousy or just Scandalous Hope 2

2012-01-13T17:46:00.000-05:00

For what its worth I’ve never seen myself as a victim, nor do I see myself as a victim now. There’s something about the games I never could understand. What is it about the games that cause people to play? Is it the fact that they’re referred to as games... and not abuse. Growing up the games weren’t an option that I considered to get ahead. Especially when It came to making friends. I always gained everything I’ve ever wanted on my own merit, self-esteem and have continued to do so through-out my life.

Prior to being in Ottawa I remember briefly meeting a woman who played the games, she lost everything she took for granted. She lost her family, friends and her social ability. She seemed like a nice lady but, after dating/ hanging out with her for a little while, and dealing with the crossroads my own life. I step away from her, I had a strong feeling she was play the games. Even though we shared moments which seemed like a long time, it was short lived. I wanted to express truth about my feelings for her but, because of the games that never happened. A lady that I don’t really remember all that well anymore, her face is an absolute blur now that I think about it. Christine was the name she gave me... that’s all I remember about her.

I do try to remember the people I’ve met but, after not talking to them for awhile I forget anything about them... most times. I can’t really say why I do it... force of nature I guess. I’m not sure why I’ve gone through something as simple a making a change for the business I enjoy. Why my closes influences ( my estranged father) didn’t just state to me that If this was a career I was pursuing I should be weary of the people I meet, instead of influencing my peers to play. Of course, I’m always weary of anyone I meet... that’s a given.

Unless they believed in their heart of hearts that one or more most likely would take advantage of my status. Okay that’s fair but, why not let them decide how to play their own cards, play them where they lay. I’m guessing my estranged father never believed in me enough to make the judgement for myself... Isn’t this my life? Wouldn’t have been my decision on who stays and who goes? Not to say that I’m a parent but, speaking as one who hopes to be someday.

I think it is better to allow your young adult, adult to decide for themselves which way they go, whom they choose to be with, I’ve always felt that’s how it was suppose to be. I think at times as adult or parents we become so consumed with protecting those we adore/ love we forget that we’ve taken the time teach but, forgotten or overlooked as to how much we’ve learned from our youth. You know I’ve been noticing some things that I’ve always wondered about western society. Since we all pretty much know that the western side of civilization is Christian.

Is it possible that their way of thinking may have influenced us accept everything that happens within western civilization, ... or at least most of us? Like.. Government, policing, and politics.   But, then again what if homelessness doesn’t exist because of Christianity and their way of thinking. What if it has to do with... confidence? I know it may seem far fetched but, let me give you a scenario that will clarify everything for you. I know you’ll enjoy this, not just because I’ll enjoy telling you... but, because it’s true. Here I am an aspiring Stand Up comedian/ Entertainment Journalist, a person who enjoys being himself, ya know keeping it real. Who moves to a city on his own without friends, family... just himself.

After being in this city he eventually gets a job, only to find himself walking away from this job because some other male envied and was jealous of the attention I was getting from females where we had worked together for one year. At the same time a blond and brunette were roaming around the city with my photo enticing others to give me a hard time. Not to say they were female in fact it was only implied to me that they were. After dealing with such animosity which was directed at me because I failed to understand his banter. Keep in mind this was a person that not only was a member of the family but, is self-conscious about whether people liked him or not.

Realizing I may suffer the same fate somewhere else, I saw an opportunity that I wanted to venture as a budding journalist, only to throw myself into the world of homelessness. Why does homelessness exist? How else does one get the truth without throwing himself into the mix. Considering I was making a personal and professional transition into the wonderful world of entertainment the decision was a worthy one. My experience in this shelter lifestyle hasn’t been all that bad, not that I’d want to spend the rest of my life here.

But, I’ve been able to deal with my own personal pain, find and understand why homelessness may exist in this city, at the same time I fell deeply attracted to a woman who I had met my first day here. It was a captivating moment for me, feeling like she was the only one in the building... for I was lost in her eyes, for real! The most beautiful smile I’d ever seen. I could gaze into those eyes forever. I’ve never felt so strongly attracted to anyone until I met her. She is a very loving, kind woman with the cutest laugh I’ve ever heard. Was I feeling this way because I’m in a venerable position or are these genuine feelings for a woman I just met?

They say that love can happen at first sight.. Has this happened to me? Not long before I was dating a woman in Toronto for 2 months, I broke it off because she started to play the games. Although, I had my plans long ago to come to Ottawa I wasn't expecting much. ..maybe I should've expected more. For the two years that I’ve been here trying to focus on the cause, my personal pain and professional pursuits.... my feelings for her are real, which has been trying for me because i've never felt this way for anyone, being in a venerable position, and dealing with the games I've been hesitant for good reason, whenever she crosses my path the strongfeelings that I have for her wants to take over. For the time being I felt it best to keep my distance and really think about what lied ahead a crushinig blow to my feelings which is not easy to deal with. It's like playing tough of war with myself.... another hurdle to climb. It feels very much mutual interest but, confliction exists.  Although, It has been a strenuous journey for me, which has answered most of my questions. I've never felt so strong about anyone in my life, it feels like my first time alone on the bridge ..........again.

Another thing that I know is that those feelings don’t go away regardless if someone else tell you to not express them. Quite frankly, when it was suggested to me not too , I knew very much that I wanted to tell her even more, I want her to know... she deserves to know. As for the blond, It seems kind of odd but, I believe this to be a male who’s been trying his very best to banter with me but, has fails miserably to even try to make me laugh. When that doesn’t work he calls onto his minions to team up and mock me, guessing its their way of breaking me down. I know it seems kind of childish but, that’s the way I see it.. truthfully. Those who play the games treat her like a trophy, rather than a human being.

If I hadn’t gone through all this craziness I wouldn’t have been able to name my initial abuser, whom enticed so many others during my youth and adult life to subject me with these games. I wouldn’t have found a place to continue my career, showcase other arts, my passions, live, find love and laugh as well as try to make others laugh.

I think ultimately what happens is that when people are asked to play, they don’t realize that these aren't harmless to anyone whom already knows what the games are. In other words if you’re choosing to play the games, be prepared to be held back in your personal and professional life. Of course, all of this nonsense relates to people wanting notoriety, people whom are insecure with who they are, who they want to be, what they want and not knowing how to get it without cheating someone else out of it.

As I’m slowing adjusting to the life I’ve strived for,.. reconditioning myself to a norm that is suited for the lifestyle that I want. I no longer need to question as to what comes next for me. With the exception of sharing my lifestyle with a significant other. It something that I’ve always worried about and has always scared me for obvious reasons. Would she be able to live with the standard that I must live with? I guess its normal for anyone to feel the way I have for along time.

What can we do as a society to change this? I think Will. I. Am’ said it best in one of his songs,.. “Union... “In order to change the world, we have to change ourselves”. Finding acceptance amongst ourselves is the place to start. Ending the games altogether would be a good start. I’ve always managed to be myself with what I want, need and desire. I know its time we all do the same regardless of what religion or belief we follow. I’m certain the we as a western society will be able to eradicate homelessness if we really want it bad enough!

Envy, Jealousy, .. or Scandulous Hope?

2011-11-21T14:29:00.006-05:00

What I have to tell you to some degree is extremely personal. What you’re about to read has been a real eye opener for me. It’s been a journey that I’ve been reluctant to relive because the truth does hurt and some things the are difficult to let go of. Often times I felt that my story shouldn’t be told but, then I think to myself it’s a story we all can relate with, and there’s no other place to start except the beginning, who knows my story better than me?

Growing up was never easy to do, especially in the house I grew up in.. Per say. You see, My life has gone through a chain of events that were unavoidable, or seemed pre-determined no matter which way you turn. Since childhood I always believed that every being wrote their own path. That never seemed to be that way for me. As tough as it was for my parents to make a change that would alter them completely to some degree there always seemed to be something holding them back. My mother lost two important people in her immediate life before coming to Canada with my father. My father left behind family as well. A pain staking decision to give themselves and 6 years later an unborn son (me) a better chance at life, opportunities, and better education.

I’m not 100% certain as to what transpired at the immigration office but, from what my father has stated to me many times while growing up. He said, “ You can’t trust government people they’ll always try to screw with your mind!” Do keep in mind that was during the early 70's & 80's nothing was easy for my parents those days. My mother was a model before coming to Canada, already had a son from a previous relation and being with me in ‘72. For her the transition was very difficult after losing her parents. She married young to my father with a son another on the way. She eventually went back to school and became a nurse. My father, from my understanding was a excellent musician, he could carry a tune.. even to this day.

The transition for my father was just as hard, or maybe even more difficult because I’m his firstborn. I took his spotlight, as a musician/ singer you gain a lot of attention when you enjoy what he did for a living. Before coming to Canada, marrying my mother, already raising a stepson and awaiting the arrival of a newborn is stressful enough... I imagine quite overwhelming for anyone. As for raising a new young family in a country not native to him was difficult because readjusting to a new lifestyle is difficult for any artist.

Knowing that both my parents came from a country which is predominately black, to a country which was at the time predominately caucasian. When it came to the Gov’, my father had plenty to say but, he wasn’t the only one. To make such heinous remarks about a gov’ that already gave them plenty to start anew. My father felt that he shouldn’t let go fo the way he was conditioned and accustomed too. What my father, like many other landed immigrants in those days didn’t understand was that the gov’ wasn’t trying to brainwash him. They were trying to help them recondition themselves to have a more progressive, productive norm,... a better way of thinking.

As a musician, my father very much enjoyed the spotlight. He enjoyed it so much it consumed him. Years after I was born (approx. 5 or 6 years), my mother use to tell me that my father was always jealous of me since I was born. For years she’d tell me this, I heard her... clearly but, never really listened nor did I understand why. At the time I never really thought about it because I didn’t notice any signs of jealous. Another thing she’d tell was not to play the games. She never clarified exactly as to what she was referring too. I guess, that’s why my life has been such a crazy roller coaster ride.

I’ve read somewhere that first time fathers do tend to be jealous of the attention that their offspring receive,.. this is a fact! My father is literally jealous of me since the beginning of my life and career choices. My father once asked to manage my career. I said “NO” because I wanted full responsibility for my life and career. I didn’t think much about my response to him. I thought that he’d be happy with my decision, because that’s the kind of person I thought I grew up knowing. Someone who likes others who take on responsibility for themselves. The more I got familiar with my father’s stated of mind, the less I respected him.

My father always tested me a lot in every aspect, I guess because he didn’t know how else I would learn. He always believed in tough love, which sucks because we never had that father & son connection I always wished we had. He always chose to play the games, which broke the family apart, got a thrill of doing that. I couldn’t trust him.. I didn’t want too. It didn’t do anything for me except to put up this imaginary wall just to feel protected. For some who may not understand as to what I’m talking about. Let’s put it to you this way, basically he’s jealous of the connection that I made with others. For him playing(mental and emotional) games wouldn’t keep us apart, when in fact it did.

As I’ve been writing this, I’ve come to the conclusion he’s an insecurity about not having things that matter because of his stubborness. I needed to create my own path. I was truly hoping that he would accept my saying “NO” to him wanting to manage my career. I was thinking he’d take it as a positive. The only thing that was good about our bond is that he prepped me for the city that reside in, ... now that I think about it.

Going back to what I had written earlier, just remembering how it was for me in my earlier days growing up. How difficult the transition it was for both of my parents. Relating to my own transition along with taking heed to my mother’s wishes not to play the games. The same games my father played on me since the day I could remember. Like I stated before, I really don’t know what transpired between my parents and the gov’ in that office. But, now that I think about it, I’ve come across other people through the years who’ve likely been through the same thing my own parents did. If that be the case that would explain why gangs, crime, poverty, homelessness exist. Which makes sense considering all the mental and emotional abuse that I’ve dealt with, as far back as I can remember. Not really understanding what this epidemic was or why it exists.

Since, I’ve been living in this city I find it almost impossible to not meet someone that has or will be playing these games. For me, it’s not something that I asked for nor would I subject to anyone. These “games” are abusive, .. Mentally and emotionally! Why would anyone choose to abuse another innocent human being whether they’re younger or new to this city? How does this act protect this city or any other for that matter? Ask yourself this... Are you someone who needs friends to feel confident? Are you the jealous type? Do you give into peer pressure? Are you insecure about yourself, or your appearance? If you’ve said “YES” to any of these questions, then its likely you play the games.

From my personal experience I can say that the innocent are susceptible to these games, in fact we all are. The games destroy everything we believe in, the neighbourhoods we live in and come from. It holds us back from our pain and evolving as a progressive society. As for myself, growing up was depressing for me the first fifteen years. I already knew what I wanted at an early age but, because he was already jealous and that he felt he couldn’t continue with his own art, raising a family is tough enough as it is. I know nothing about that yet but, I’d sure like to find out. Most times growing up I felt like my life had no purpose, not knowing which way to turn.... always running away, just to go back. Peers coerced and manipulated into playing the games, thinking its just that... harmless! He’d constantly build me up, just to tear me down. He’d tell me things like ...”You’ll never achieve anything without his help. That I would fail no matter what!”

Overall, I really do believe at most times he was trying recreate his life through me.
After my 13th b-day I nearly ended my own life, wanting to escape my pain. It was very much on my mind. But, so were thoughts of my mother who stayed positive through all this which kept me alive. I couldn’t go through with the thought of leaving my mother and her son from a previous relationship, my sister and my little brother I watched both of these two grow up. Feeling conflicted with my thoughts, not feeling like I belonged there.. At times it felt like a bad dream that I couldn’t wake up from.

This being, my estrange father ( Emmett Pete - Anthony Wilson aka Vincent aka Legion aka Wilson use to beat up my mother until I was 14 yrs old, almost daily because I was kid wanting to be a kid, doing what kids do... making friends, playing sports, etc. When I was in high school my estranged father order the head coach of the football team not to let me join. In some strange way I think to some degree he may have thought that I would develop muscle and be able to physically defend her and dominate him. My guess, is the thought made him nervous. I know now in my heart of hearts I would’ve come to aid. She always tried to come to my defence.

Do you know what its like for kid growing up, where his friends are turned against him by a jealous father? How many kids do you know that have survived mentally, emotionally, physically... who didn’t become abusers themselves? Now my situation is that for some reason I’m not able to contact mother and my eldest brother and his family. My belief is that these people who’ve chosen to help foolishly help my estranged father to play these games still thinking they’re harmless to get closer to me. For a little more than 15 years I’ve trying my best to avoid and keep him out of my personal and professional life because I find that he and his other children are a danger to my well-being. If it wasn't for my mother and eldest brother for giving me guidance and believing in me I don't think that I would've been alive.

Weeks before my 16th b-day a neighbour who lived right next door to me. Took me in secretly, gave me info to help me get of a bad situation. I spent roughly about a year in a youth shelter, which eventually guided me into a group home for working boys. I learned basic life skills, started making and taking responsibility for my life. When I turned 19 I legally changed my name, I didn’t want to keep the name that he gave me at birth because he already dishonoured his name by abusing my mother and the rest of her children by marriage. Even though I tell people that Joka is my real name... well I’m not lying. When you ask whether this is my real name or not, you’re implying whether you want my birth or legal name.

You know, ....It feels good to aim for something almost impossible to get. You’ll never know unless you try. Once you achieve it’ll feel that much greater as that person you’ve been striving to be. During the time that I’ve been writing I’ve been able to examine the homeless and it lifestyle. The different kinds of people from all walks of life. I had constantly asked myself.... “How does one become homeless?” Is it the drugs, alcohol or just the downsizing of jobs? Is it one or all the above? We know that when companies make no money, the downsizing effect takes place, and some form of depression sets in. The possible result... suicide!

But, its most unlikely when a person still feels like they’ll be able to get back on that ‘horse and ride off into the sunset’. The extreme won’t take, if that be the case. The drugs and alcohol could make that happen... but, then again in this day and age, just about everybody uses drugs and alcohol.. Maybe not all but, that’s still a very large number of people who do. Then I thought,..What if none of these are the major reason at all? I directly know that drugs, alcohol, and depression can keep someone homeless just by being able to observe the homeless up close. Downsizing of jobs is a possible factor to but, anyone can get jobs somewhere else. Drugs, Alcohol and Depression can be treated.

Then I thought about my journey, the plans I’ve had.. And troubles I’ve had to keep them. How the games effected my life. The downward spiral it put me through. The loss of jobs, friends, family, lifestyle and how much it almost pushed me to commit to the extreme remedy. My POV is that people who play the games only want to get ahead on someone else’s merit and not their own because they’re afraid of their own ability. You know sometimes I’ve wondered a lot of things like, Why did it takes 6 days to build the heavens and earth and not 6 seconds. Isn’t he the Almighty being? Confliction really, that’s what it had to do with.

He was conflicted with what is what and where it should go and why I should be. And of course, We were all created in his image at least that’s what the “good book” says. Up until now I’ve wondered about these games and why they exist. But, you know it’s not the WHY? that we should wonder about, it’s the HOW? , How to avoid the games?, be better people, be true to ourselves. Playing mental and emotional games is being abusive period. Whatever happened to keeping it real? It doesn’t make you a better person at all.

In fact if they’re people out there that has enticed you to play these games (your so-called friends) word will get around and nobody will ever trust you, with the exception of the people or friends you’ve been able to befriend, and even so I’m sure they’ll just talk about you behind your back, telling others that you play the games you won’t be trusted only to make themselves look good.

Hopefully, you’ll quit, take responsibility for your actions. “Cheaters never prosper!” Of course, a slap on the wrist is just a slap on the wrist. But, the games are something else. People who play the games do it because they lack confidence, feel insecure about themselves, or bullied into it... because the bully(s) gave them something. ( i.e. jobs, etc.) Playing the games doesn’t help them get over their pain, it only makes things worse. They’re like chronic liars constantly lying to themselves and other that by the time they want to be honest it becomes that much more difficult to let the truth come out.

i aM

2010-03-28T18:41:00.002-04:00

It's about connecting. Doing something that I've grown to love, shouldn't be that difficult to obtain. My reasons continuing on this journey is that I connect very well with others, and quite frankly.. I enjoy entertaining people. I've always enjoyed the business, for its up and downs.

True Oblivion?

2008-09-27T11:09:00.030-04:00

I'm not certain what's more worse, either having some knowledge as to what "Papasmurf games" really are or knowing what sort of damage it has had on this city. Doing thorough research on the games. What I found out will leave gasping for air. Ok, ok ... what I just spewed at you is Bulls(*&^! To be frankly honest the games have nothing to do with the city to be exact. If you google "Papa Smurf" you'll find what I've been talking about. It may seem strange but, some of the residents in this city have been comparing themselves to the fictional animated story of these mythical beings... that's right a cartoon that even I grew up watching as a kid, .. sounds kind of odd doesn't it? Try this for odd...

Well, for 23 years (1988-2004)I portrayed a different persona to generate attention. Which was very successful. I decided not to go to 'hollywood' to start my career.(considering it already started from 1988) Instead, I brought my online fame here to Ottawa, Canada. The result so far is successful because the reconstructure of this city & the "Genies" are coming here for the first time in Ottawa's history. For those who don't know, the "Genies" are equavilent to the "Oscars". That will bring in 2.5- 3 million. Can you imagine how many jobs could be created?

Hard to believe isn't it? If you had my FB you'd say different.. lol.

Since living in Ottawa (2004 - present) I've been myself. Sacraficed quite a bit, and came to Ottawa giving myelf chance to be redeemed, for all the hoopla that gave me attention in the first place. Thus helping Ottawa gain a chance to be a recognized as a friendly competitor in the film & television industry amongst other cities. As i stated many times before "I am a creative genius"!

Fame is good for anyone but, it's no good if you keep it for yourself. As far as I'm concerned these smurfs need to rest so that we can continue building for this city, giving it what it needs to grow.

Please understand when I say "anyone who chooses to say that they were born & raised here.. and by golly .. proud of it!" Is full of it!! You sound very arrogant, maybe even a little ashamed. I for one feel that you're not as proud as you say. Pride is something that you carry with you, not something you boast about.

Considering the "Welcome to Ottawa" sign can be seen and the city can't, and yes its amongst the greenery. (very much like the animated story of the smurfs) My only involvment is all of these so called smurf games was that I was looking for ways to upgrade my acting skills, considering acting classes don't come cheap. I decided to utilize these games as a tool. To market my art as a product of the industry, you got to understand, ..we artists treat our craft as if its a business, and not just an art.

I thought to myself that If create this character.. pose and pretend it would be harmless.. right? I mean,.. "it's just a game".. right? You see for me it was an opportunity to develop and be creative, within the skills I already had. Bringing the idea of contributing and acknowledging other overlooked artists down here.. made sense. Doing all that.. as odd as it may seem made me relatively famous.. or did it? I let you decide for yourself, on that one. What's really strange is that the west (Vanier)of the city, pretty much has just about everything already. Ah wait, it all makes sense now.. considering the city is built around the water, they were looking for ways to restructure it all.

When I arrived in Ottawa they finally reached 1 million people. Yes, was very much recognized from online fame, I could feel the eyes watching my every move. It didn't bother me at all. All I know is that there were so many believing that my fictional character was a real person. The only real thing about it was the fact was that I created it to protect my true story from being exposed. So, if anything others who didn't know, helped keep the character in existance. As odd as it may sound .. the feeling being here at first was over-whelming and of course, and it help me bounce out of character.

Allowing me to free my mind. Leaving those directly involved unhinged, beside themselves and completely oblivious. There are some that claim they don't like the game. From my POV .. it's hard to say really.. well, .. if you're a trusting person. Just be careful with whom you trust and with what you trust.

Some of the(born & raised, and totaly proud of it!) natives were so focussed in knowing all about me that they didn't even question whether I was really acting or not. With all this in mind I now understand why other cities (ie. Toronto, etc). Ottawa just wasn't ready for all these changes, just yet... simply because the city is wrapped around water. But, now they are.. :)
Ok in all honesty I truly know who created P.S.G., ah yes.. I've peaked your curiosity even more..haha. Well, to be absolutely honest the P.S.G. always existed,.. in fact a lot of us already had seen these games being played. Do you remember a cartoon that was on regular TV, .. called "Smurfs"? As the story goes.. the city of Ottawa & "The Smurfs" are pretty much one in the same. In the cartoon on TV you would always notice that the "Smurfs" would play games to redirect "Gargamel" away from their village. In real life some citizens of Ottawa, use similar games to drive away strangers from staying in their city for along time... mainly people like myself who're from another city. At a point in time, as I was told the cartoon was based on this city.. no truth there. The truth is that The Smurfs officially were created in Brussels, Belgium by a man known as "Peyo" in 1958. It should be noted, though, that the Smurfs actually debuted in the newspaper comic "Johan et Pirouit", published in the Belgian daily "La dernière heure" in 1947 (and later in the children's section of "Le Soir" in 1951 & 1952). Pierrot Culliford (Peyo) was born in 1928, and passed away in 1992. He received the nickname Peyo because of his cousin's inability to pronouce his name properly. Although, I've yet to leave,.. not planning to leave until I'm completely satisfied when Ottawa gains the acknowledgement for being a fellow competitor in A&E industry, becoming a true capital city for the nation to enjoy. I maybe the one who had inadvertantly created this game. I encountered it, conquered it, utilized it to promote my craft, the industry and by moving here it created a lot of 'hype' for the city. By telling people that I wanted to act since the age of 8 years, and going on chat lines ( quest, lavalife) but, didn't take the art to serious until I was 16 years. I actually started my pursuit of an acting career at age 17, gained my experiences through local theatre companies and worked within workshops provided through these companies I associated with.

I guess you're wondering what my characters' name is.. right? "TuMNepHaceS" is the name.. yes, my online username.. WOW! To think "TuMz" (toomz) was my nickname since I was a kid. LOL ..my puppets gave my characters' life, .. meaning for them to exist. It was absolutely fasinating to watch them grow from a teenager to a full sized adult. Maturing every second of its existance. Are you still interested in knowing more? P.S.G. wasn't created to bring harm to anyone.. it was created to help give Ottawa what it rightfully deserves, and get it they shall!

Maybe to create world peace? lol.. I guess. Can you imagine a place where everyone truly knows your name? Who you are? all about you? Gives you that creepy feeling ..doesn't it? I might do some good for RFID chips which I understand every human being will get one, personally I'd rather see that every criminal ( rapist, child molester, kidnapper, murderer and cannibal should have). For me.. the idea of knowing all about someone, anyone.. without having some sort of mystery to them .. is boring if you ask me. Ok, Ok, maybe if it's your significant other to some degree. But, ultimately there would be no point in the chase, making love, fighting or having deep thoughts. It would make life as we truly know it a real bore... wouldn't it?

Watching your moments .. on video? I don't know it never made sense as to why anyone would play a game that makes no sense to play in the first place. There are no rules or objective to the game, only an objective is to play. My objective was to open their eyes to reality! When considering playing any game, its best to make sure there are rules ... if not make them up as you go along!!

None-the-less I decided to stick with my plan and help this city, to get it to a place of true bliss, which would potentially boost this city, and the economy but, also help Canada in a big way. Through the development of my show "In The Box", I'm realizing that this show is not just going to effect "the big O" (Ottawa) but, all of Canada.

"If you build it, they will come!"

My only question for the smurfs reading this, .. I'm curious about something. Would you be angry If I chose to play along all these years? What would you do If I did play your game? Would you be mad? I mean, "It's just a game..right?

Until next time,.. work hard, live hard, ... laugh harder!

Using One Against The Other

2007-07-07T05:12:00.000-04:00

As the title says that's exactly what i did. Not that i really had a choice. How it all started was, well to tell you the truth I really don't know how or why it started. Somehow I got caught up in some sort of popularity game. A game which made me somewhat famous for being something I'm not. First of all, I'm not the type to get involved in popularity contest especially against my will.

Not that I had much of a choice. Did the game start because of my chosen profession. I love this biz, acting is something I enjoy. I don't do it just because I want to be just rich and famous. I do it because, I evoke positivity. Yeah the idea of receiving money for what I do, is very nice. But you see.. I'm one of those types that likes giving back to his community. Granted I need money to survive, money is essential in this day and age. But these people who have taken it upon themselves to exploit me in this manner hasn't paid me for my performance yet. I'm not into the idea of sharing my personal life, just to be famous.

It's not how I was raised.. I love doing what I do, because It's give me great satisfaction in making a difference within what I enjoy doing as a profession. My biggest problem from this game is that it has exploited me for what I'm not. I'd rather be exploited for my contributions to charities, arts & entertainment industry, and other organizations that help develop better communities.

The whole purpose of their game, was at first to push me out of the film industry and towards music. But, now that I'm utilizing BlogTV as another resource to showcase my skills, and the industry I have a passion for. They'll use whatever means to manipulate you in believing them, over the truth. The reason for that.. is that papasmurf, who has estranged from my life for games like this. His "entourage" claims it was to "open my eyes" to the reality of this business and in turn I used their game to exploit something they thought was a real seller. Was I wrong for this? They visualized me as being one of them. My reasons for making them think so, was that I wanted to know who or what papasmurf really was. I'm completely the opposite of what they viewed me to be. When I confessed to the whole matter, "and yes, I've gone through this before" ...they threw a fit. All I did was fuel their ego... unfortunately they didn't fuel mine.

Most would view this as "Using One Against The Other" same as the title of this blog. Fueling their ego with their own bull*h$%, was my game plan from the beginning. Giving them a chance to read my blog was apart of my plans to pull them in, feeding their egos. By doing so.. I have direct them into behaving exactly how I wanted them too. I remember when I first signed onto BlogTV, and started my first show.. granted I got sound advice. But, at what extent.. was it so I would feel absolutely comfortable around this person. Maybe ..maybe not! All they really wanted to do was to create bull$^%& hype about someone, who went against them. Making themselves popular/famous for the bull$#%^ they spread and falsely advertising who I wasn't. Not my fault their ego's bigger than mine. At least I truly know who I am as a person. I only did it to show them what they've been doing wrong all these years. Exploitation of someone, for who they're not isn't a good thing. And if it is... who is it good for? What happens to the artist after there's nothing left? Do we still wonder what his/her life is like?

If you really look at it from my perspective. When playing such mind games, you're revealing yourself and you're playing an intricate role towards the development of gangs, gang violence, depression, racism, discrimination, defamation of character and war. On top of all that you're destroying everything you truly believe in. No one said you couldn't have fun.. but, doing something like this expense of others makes you less humane. Talk about being ego-driven!

Populate This..!

2007-04-20T10:00:00.002-04:00

So here I am again, you know I got to change that line. But, now that I think about it. Keeping it would be... oh heck it doesn't even matter at this point. What I initially came here to talk about today was to simply point out what it means to populate. Why do we need to populate? Does it matter if we're just here to become popular?

I remember using a dating site. Yes, I know what you're thinking... why? what purpose did or didn't it serve for me? To be honest the only thing it served was a point. The point I'm going to make right now is simple. In fact I'm going to make several of them,.. today. While using this site I came across a person who didn't like the fact that I changed my profile that became more truthful to my desires.
Now this person became upset by my decision in changing it. She stated to me that It wasn't fair to the women with children that my profile was changed. True! Now that I think of it my first profile wasn't fair to my desires as far as ending my bachelorhood. True! I could've been honest with myself, which eventually I did. True! What she chose to ignore was, that I was open to meeting/ making new friends as well. If I kept my profile as it was It wouldn't have been fair to anyone. True!

Years ago I had decided to study and eventually work as an independent artist. It started out well and has continued. Although, I'm on the "out-skirts" of my goal it is still ongoing. I have had the fortune of meeting those who feel they have the right to tell me what I can or cannot do or have in my life. They made claims that they pay artists like myself to entertain them. They also feel they have the right to know everything that goes on in my life. Not exactly!

You see I made the decision to pursue this career. I have paid for my education, which has helped upgrade my skills from money that I have earned rightfully. They have NOT paid me for my performance in their game. I have beaten them at their own game. A game that they have created, which would've helped them gain knowledge about everything that could've been true within my life. They also asked me to play their game which of course has no rules and ....I'm still winning. Now, as far as my performance they have yet to pay me. If they were to pay for my performances at all. They would end up in a very large debt.

You see, they acquired my services to entertain them. They never told me the rules, I believe there are no rules to their game. Just like they have, I made up the character, his life, and my own rules which apply.. if they're serious about paying me. As an independent artist I can make $150.00/ per performance or more,... if they knew anything to be true about me, they would chosen to be themselves. Now sure I can collect but, at the same time they can deny that they had anything to do with this game.

When it comes to playing games,.. I always play to win. Considering their game had gone on for many years and I have been on this planet for more than some of those years.. they owe millions! About $9,000,000 to be exact! True! If they really wanted to deny their involvement in the game, that would be O.K. I simply used their game to not only entertain myself but, also to upgrade my skills as an independent artist. How else was I going to upgrade my skills. The only way It seemed possible to achieve this.. was through their game. Well they weren't paying me. I also never agreed to let them know everything personal about me but, I agreed to play their game. I guess you could say that I ... populated!

Fighting With The Beast

2007-02-17T05:25:00.000-05:00

So here we are, I am moving beyond from dodging the machine. This career has never been a struggle, unless people want to be apart of it. People who claim to have a higher stake invested into who you are even as an artist. That makes It always harder to make the right decisions. Family is usually the right way to go but, there's that outside factor... conflict of interest!

In choosing family, you have to look at what they've done for you lately. Have they always been there for you.. excepted who you are, have become and will always be? Have they crossed you, in your younger days ... were you at fault for it?
That's why I've chosen to be my own manager. There is no conflict of any kind, sure there's always that part with your significant other who feels they need to be apart of that too. But should they initially be apart of that. Are they apart of your life because of your career. Or are they apart of your life because of you?

Several things come to mind. As I sit here and ponder.
Should I add her to my personal project, since we've been dating for only 2 months? I have come alot closer to my goal. Things are working out for me, they've become... better. Is all that happening because of her status with me? At first, when she was pushing her way into my project, I detected something rather strange while online... I found a virus!

Someone has tapped their way into my private information, well not exactly. Let's just say that it's always good to be friends with someone who develops anti-viruses/ unique software. She was trying to gain information through my email, and possible info to my other ventures. Info that would enable me to progress some funds for my project. She sent a Trojan into my email which allowed her to gain access. She was spying on me, after just meeting her within the month of February.

This virus suppose stall my IM, website, etc., which were to allow me funds, money, dollars for my hard work. If you ask me, she's a lot more oblivious than me. After finding it with my anti-virus detector, which also gave me the location of where it came from, vital information of the person. Which led to the higher authorities. At the time the RCMP had informed me that I may proceed however I'd like to, they said that without solid evidence it is very easy for her to get away with what she did.
I had the virus removed immediately.

I told the officers that I'd like to go in a different direction. I had decided that I wasn't going to press charges, instead I'm going to play one against the other. Basically I phoned her house.. that day and told her in a sarcastic tone that I was in the process of pressing charges against someone. At the time I gave her the benefit of the doubt, be the other part of me said ... no! She opened a can of guilty fever and let her frustration out. I caught her in a very serious lie. A simple test and she failed dramatically. Wow, I totally impressed myself. "I nailed her to the moral and ethical cross"!

Send me One Million FREE Guaranteed Visitors

The Machine....

2007-02-04T10:18:00.003-05:00

This story relates to aspiring artists around the world who have come across dead ends, and can't seem to understand faults which they may or may not have created for themselves. I've personally heard and have crossed the path of the "Machine". Which relates to people in such places, whom feel its best to create problems against those who have a different perception, which can be vital to the rest society. The purpose of this blog is to warn all new comers to the entertainment industry who feel they should give up their hopes and dreams, thinking they'll never make it because of someone else's greediness, and jealousy. Notoriety is a nasty decease that has a cure. Being apart of the collective that will always be amongst the one's inside box.

"We inside the box will always know what happens outside, but for those outside... I feel you will never, ever understand what happens inside the box". What I find fascinating about all of this, is that you try to understand what you will never understand. I give you an "E" for effort! Why do we as artists continue with what we do, even if it means we don't make much money? What purpose does it serve for us?

Are we (artists) lost souls? Are we looking for fortune and fame for our work? We the true artists do not feel that money makes the world go round. We've always believed that art itself allows us to free the mind of its worries. Money is just a trade off, art make life simple. Even though, we know that it's not!

Send me One Million FREE Guaranteed Visitors