NewsLampoon.com Blog

Macho Man's Mountain of Bullshit!

2008-12-15T08:17:00.006-05:00

Sean Penn--the Ed Wood of writing

This is the worst piece of crap I've ever read. Most of my English comp students could have done much better. Hey, Sean, regarding commas: "When in doubt, leave them out." You're a hell of an actor, and you should stick to it. This "piece" is the equivalent of a "B" movie--poorly done and unintentionally funny. You should have called it "Mountain of . . ." well, you can guess the rest.

See the rest of this story at www.newslampoon.com

Obama Berlin speech probably not all that great!

2008-07-25T05:13:00.002-04:00

'A bunch of noise' to one, boring to another, ignored by the rest

German Village, Ohio--I'd been dozing during the John McCain speech here at Schmidt's Sausage Haus und Restaurant when I heard a faint, tinny sound below the drone of Candidate McCain's voice. I opened my eyes and saw the other reporter covering the event listening to something on his headphones.

"What're you listening to?" I asked.

"Obama's speech," he said.

Catch the rest of this Not-all-that-great story!
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Breck Boy busted! Exposed as rat!

2008-07-23T23:37:00.002-04:00

Pretty-boy Edwards caught by 'Enquirer' with his pants down during late-night rendezvous with a 'real dog'!

See the rest of this story of love, betrayal, hypocrisy, bestiality, and rat-itude!

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'Nigger' off limits to whites!

2008-07-22T04:45:00.001-04:00

Goldberg says 'nigger'

A week or two ago, the Rev. Jesse Jackson was caught by a "hot" FOX News microphone saying Barack Obama has been "telling niggers how to behave." This is what spawned The View's "nigger" discussion. In short, Jackson caused the whole "nigger" problem.

See the rest of this . . . story!

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Welcome to the Big Leagues, Asshole!

2008-07-13T23:25:00.003-04:00

Obama campaign decries 'The New Yorker' magazine's satirical rendering as 'tasteless'

And what is it exactly about the word "satire" that has you so confused? Does it say anywhere that it's nice? Who besides you wants to see "tasteful" satire? Oh, wait, we get it now--you thought you and your big-mouthed wife were somehow off limits. . . .

See the rest of this tastefully satirical story . . . not!

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10 Predictions for the home stretch

2008-07-13T08:49:00.004-04:00

The final months of the 2008 election season will be charged with sex and violence, making it the most interesting since '68

By Jerry Nostradamus, News Lampoon Seer

Jerry Nostradamus is a descendent of renowned seer Michel Nostradamus. Click here to see Jerry's frightening predictions!

www.newslampoon.com

Welcome back, Richard!

2008-07-11T08:34:00.001-04:00

After completing perhaps his most challenging assignment ever, a stint in rehab following a humiliating, 4:00 a.m. methamphetamine/sex-toy bust in New York's Central Park, a rejuvenated though perhaps less-manically energetic Richard Quest is back on the job at CNN International. Congrats, Richard! We never lost faith.
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'Black hole" deemed racially insensitive term

2008-07-10T09:59:00.001-04:00

Read more at about this spacey story at www.newslampoon.com

'Cut his nuts out'

2008-07-09T20:52:00.002-04:00

. . . Reverend Jackson says . . .

"Well, they were hurtful and wrong, that's the whole point," Jackson said of his words. "And when you make mistakes you should not equivocate. You should be quick to go into offensive and not try to be evasive. And if it was said to him personally or in some public forum it would be even more hurtful. In this case, my error was responding to a question before a live mic. And so when he does hear them they will not be helpful; they will be hurtful. We have a relationship that can survive this."

www.newslampoon.com

Flash: Harry Reid blames Bush!

2008-07-09T10:15:00.001-04:00

Prune-faced senate majority leader calls President Bush "a drag"

Be proud, Nevada! You've got a child-abuser for a senator. You should be kicked out of the West. I'd ask New Mexico to do it, but they have a pussy for a Governor.

Read more about the prune-faced senator!

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Wolfson joins FOX!

2008-07-08T09:31:00.002-04:00

Some call it a strange hybrid; I call it love at first bite

By Ariel Trebuchet, News Lampoon columnist

"I guess they're really hot for him," the staffer said. The words made me quiver with excitement, but I was skeptical because what he had told me seemed unnatural, almost taboo. I knew I had to be careful.

"I'll return the favor when this is confirmed," I said.

"C'mon! Stop teasing," the staffer pleaded. "I really need it now!"

He'd never let me down before, so after a little more probing, I decided to chance it, even though the thought of giving it to him in that filthy alley made my skin crawl.

See the rest of this sexy story!

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NBC to buy The Weather Channel

2008-07-07T12:53:00.002-04:00

Biased weather feared

NEW YORK--With NBC Universal's announcement Sunday that they had reached a deal to buy The Weather Channel from Landmark Communications Inc. come fears by many from the right that NBC will provide weather coverage with a liberal "slant."

According to one source, General Electric, NBC's parent company, is already planning to influence the weather with top-secret technology it has been working on for some time. The source claims that the technology would enable insiders to not only predict the weather but provide the weather.

"Imagine the effect this could have on, say, a presidential election," said the source. "What if Barack Obama could cause it to rain in drought-stricken areas, or provide sun for Seattle? He would become even more of a God-like figure than he is already."

See the rest of this chilling story

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An apology to our many readers

2008-07-06T07:01:00.002-04:00

We fucked up, but in the scheme of things . . .

I was reeling in this big old fucking fish when it came to me. This thing came out of the ocean, man! This big, had to be old, fucking fish was the biggest one I had ever seen, but with the ocean and sky backdrop, it somehow occurred to me that this monster doing all these incredible spiraling flips with the hook at the end of my line in its mouth wasn't, in the scheme of things, that big a deal after all, so I let him go.

See the rest of this incredible fish story

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What would you do?

2008-04-29T11:27:00.001-04:00

In support of the 'Ranting Rev'

April 29, 2008--What if someone you had loved and supported for twenty years had, in order to advance his career, publicly ridiculed you? What if you had taken this person under your wing, had, in a sense, adopted him? How would his betrayal make you feel?

Furthermore, what if that person's denunciation of you consisted of lies? What would you do?

See more betrayal!

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Obama a politician!

2008-04-25T08:57:00.001-04:00

Barack's former pastor makes shocking revelation!

Barack is a politician? This will come as shocking news to many Obama supporters, especially Barack's legions in the news media. Why has the Pastor exposed Barack? And the prospect of an Obama presidency gave us such hope. . . .

Could we have been hoodwinked?

Please excuse me while I clean the tears off my keyboard.

Read the rest of this shocking revelation!

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Quest tries to hang himself from genitals!

2008-04-21T05:15:00.006-04:00

CNN 'personality' found with 'favorite sex toy'

CNN reporter Richard Quest was busted over the weekend in Central Park. The New York papers report that it was "not immediately clear" what poor Richard was up to at 3:40 in the morning with his favorite sex toy tucked away in his boot other than he helpfully told police: "I've got some meth in my pocket."

Some are speculating that just because Richard also had a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals and was with another man in the closed park that he might have been engaged in some sort of "hanky panky," but I've got a different theory.

Read more about Richard's Quest!

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News Lampoon staff to go on 'forced hiatus'

2008-04-07T03:45:00.002-04:00

Publisher cites blogger deaths; workers fear brainwashing, heavier work load

The most ominous-sounding part of the memo informing us about the "hiatus" is the "free counseling (attendance mandatory)" paragraph. Mark my words: they're going to try to brainwash us into working more hours for less pay. He'll also try to get us on board with this "Draft Jesse Ventura" thing. If they try any of that crap on me, I'm walking.

See the rest of this disturbing story!

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"Draft Jesse" Update!

2008-04-04T11:25:00.005-04:00

Ventura agrees with 9/11 theorists!

April 4, 2008--We at the News Lampoon were startled and somewhat disappointed to learn that Governor Jesse Ventura said in an interview on the Alex Jones Show that he agreed with conspiracy theorists who contend the government lied to the American public about the circumstances surrounding the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Governor Ventura cited Loose Change, an hour-and-a-half-long film available on the Internet, as influencing him to change his opinion.

After watching Loose Change ourselves, we agree that it brings up disturbing questions. We think we better understand the Governor's position and are not prepared to write him off as a "wack job," as so many others have done. While we are not yet prepared to join the conspiracy theorists, we are looking into the matter and will let you know our opinion after we've thoroughly investigated both sides' claims.

In the meantime, we continue to support the "Draft Jesse" movement and urge you to watch Loose Change and decide for yourselves.

www.newslampoon.com

Could a Paul/Ventura tag team body-slam the Dem/Rep Powers That Be?

2008-04-03T10:06:00.002-04:00

Some of us would like to find out

What do you say, America? Think we can convince Congressman Paul to draft Jesse? Isn't it at least worth a try? Or are you willing to settle for more of the same unfulfilled promises and lies? I, for one, think it would be refreshing to be able to believe what a candidate says, whether I completely agree with said candidate's positions or not. I'm sick of these poll-watching, finger-to-the-wind, spineless, party-line wimps being in charge of this great country. How have we allowed this to happen?

Call me irresponsible, say that "if you don't vote, don't bitch," say whatever you like, but if there's no one worth voting for, I'm not voting. I'll join the Governor and start calling for "None of the Above"--and wait for the Revolution to truly begin.

Read more about the Revolution!

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Draft Jesse!

2008-04-02T11:53:00.001-04:00

Paul/Ventura might be just the ticket to shake things up

April 2, 2008--Last night, Jesse Ventura appeared on Larry King's show and, as usual, made waves. Though he said the door to the presidency was all but closed for him, he did leave his fans some hope by not definitively saying that he would not run. He also caught the interest of Ron Paul's fans.

Most of us had thought the Paul candidacy was over, but as Yogi Berra said, "It ain't over till it's over." Or was it Hillary who said that?

Whether you think it's a good idea or not, you have to admit that a Paul/Ventura ticket would make things very, very interesting. First, Paul would probably have to get out of the Republican party and run as some sort of Independent. I confess ignorance as to how that works. This is not a "real news" site, and I'm not a political scientist. I'm a hack writer/editor who likes to make fun of people. The thought of watching arrogant Republicans and whiny Democrats squirm, well--to paraphrase how Chris Matthews described his Obama crush--makes my legs tingle. That, I admit, is a large part of the reason I would love to see this ticket printed. I want to see Jesse place a strangle hold on the the Republicans and Democrats and then body slam 'em.

Hamas children's video is poorly produced!

2008-04-01T09:34:00.002-04:00

Not very convincing

Video Review

By Bruno Spinoza, News Lampoon body-language expert

April 1, 2008, Cleveland--Why they made me review this piece of garbage, I don't know. I guess they think the body-language expert is supposed to do all the s*** nobody else wants to do. This is puppets we're talking about. What kind of body language do puppets have?

I guess I could talk about the dialogue. In the first place, if I could reach through the screen and grab whoever's doing the talking and strangle them, I would. They're talking in these real high, sissy-sounding voices. Very irritating. In the second place, it's fake because everyone knows President Bush can barely speak English, let alone Jewish. Even if he did speak Jewish, to make it realistic they would have to make him screw up some of the words, and I didn't see anything like that here. I guess I could watch it again to make sure, but there's no way I'm watching this piece of s*** again.

See the Hamas poorly-produced video!

www.newslampoon.com

Warning: 'Fitna' contains footage of death and violence

2008-03-31T04:50:00.000-04:00

The News Lampoon is opposed to censorship of any kind, so we will continue to make 'Fitna' available to our visitors.

Click here to see the English version of 'Fitna' in its entirety.

www.newslampoon.com

Stop radical islamic fascism and its efforts to rule the world!

2008-03-27T23:01:00.002-04:00

"Fitna"--a film by Geert Wilders

March 28, 2008--We do not hate Muslims, provided they don't go around killing people, but we don't care much for their religion. We don't care much for any religion. Christianity is just as bad as Islam, probably worse, historically. Jews have done their fair share of faith-based killing, too. Like the Koran, the Bible is chock full of violence and calls to violence. If you don't believe us, look it up. If you still don't believe us, you're probably an idiot, so your opinion doesn't matter to us anyway.

One thing we won't do if you don't believe us is cut off your head or send some brainwashed kid sporting an exploding belt to your home to try to blow you up. What you believe is not that important to us. We don't need to change the way you think or feel to make ourselves think and feel better of and about ourselves. We're not power-hungry or greedy enough to try to make you believe that some faceless, chicken-shit god wants you to give your money to us so that you can then go to heaven and sing praises as you fuck 77 beautiful virgins (though that would make some of us want to sing). We don't care if you're a "fag" or a "lesbo." We don't care who you're trying to fuck, as long as it's not some innocent little kid or animal.

Click on the link below to view Fitna.

www.newslampoon.com

L.A. Times duped by 'gangsta' doughboy!

2008-03-27T09:52:00.006-04:00

News Lampoon threatening lawsuits

March 27, 2008--Last week this reporter posted a story on the News Lampoon about an L.A. Times article obtained through the Drudge Report concerning allegations by an alleged rap-world insider who claims Sean "Diddy" Combs was involved in the ambush and murder of fellow rapper Tupac Shakur. The Smoking Gun website reported yesterday that the L.A. Times story was false, which makes the News Lampoon story double false.

In light of this appalling development, the News Lampoon is considering filing lawsuits against the L.A. Times, the Drudge Report, and the "gangsta" doughboy who started it all--James Sabatino.

Chris Matthews stalking Obama

2008-03-26T08:53:00.001-04:00

Keeps sending 'creepy' love notes, text messages

March 26, 2008--The Barack Obama campaign has requested that federal authorities investigate MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews because of "creepy" text messages and handwritten love notes he has been sending to Obama.

"This is very painful," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe when asked to confirm the story, "because Chris has been one of our staunchest supporters. Hardball has saved us millions in advertising dollars. We don't bother airing commercials during his show because Hardball has been an hour-long commercial in itself, and we are grateful to Chris for that. But if he does something weird, and I didn't try to protect Barack, I would never forgive myself."

See the rest of this creepy story!

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