tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-46682889764609905052024-10-02T10:00:32.545-04:00News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.comBlogger109125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-60512421004959207902013-01-30T21:05:00.002-05:002013-01-30T21:08:55.634-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"> <br /></div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal"> <span style="font-family: Bookman Old Style; font-size: x-large;">Reason to Celebrate</span></div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal"> <b><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua; font-size: large;">Ray Lewis and Art Modell, shining pieces of silver</span></b><br /> <b><span style="font-family: Book Antiqua; font-size: large;">&nbsp;</span></b> </div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal"> <span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"> It’s been much too long between Super Bowls for bible-babbling Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis.&nbsp; It’s tragic, criminal, much as Ray-Ray himself is tragic and criminal. . . .</span></div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal"> <span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;"> But Art will never know because, alas, Art is dead.</span></div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal"> <br /></div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal"> <span style="font-family: Book Antiqua;">See more reason to celebrate at&nbsp;<a href="http://newslampoon.com/">the News Lampoon</a> </span></div> <div align="left" class="MsoNormal"> <br /></div> News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-27625207757438427842013-01-27T15:38:00.000-05:002013-01-27T15:39:15.557-05:00Many are searching for explanations, but logical ones are hard to find. Your best bet might be capturing one of the flies and asking it for answers. Televangelist Pat Robertson believes the inhabitants of the infernal regions could provide them. “Have you ever heard of Beelzebub?” he asked recently on his 700 Club program. “Well, in ancient Hebrew, this name means ‘Lord of the flies.’ So, when we discover that we have a fly-blown president, and these insects are of a kind that one could categorize as 'familiars,' one has to wonder if we are indeed entering the end-times. At the very least, it’s a disturbing development." <a href="http://newslampoon.com">Read the the rest of the story. . . .</a> News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-47686106919408205612012-02-17T13:49:00.005-05:002012-02-17T13:58:39.844-05:00According to recent news stories, Wi-Fi rays are killing my sperm, but my cell phone will not give me brain cancer anymore, though if I put it in my front pants pocket, it, too, will kill my sperm.  I don’t believe it, the part about cell phones no longer causing brain cancer.  Like milk and eggs, red wine and red meat, one week it’s okay, the next it’s something different.  Someday soon a scientific study will put cell phones back on the cancer-causing list, and if not, then what about my cordless phone?<br /><br />Read more at <a href="http://newslampoon.com/invisible_killer_rays.htm"><span style="font-weight:bold;"><span style="font-style:italic;">The News Lampoon</span></span></a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-1963521471694440002010-12-17T10:36:00.002-05:002010-12-17T10:38:52.332-05:00We at the News Lampoon are pleased to announce our 2010 Person of the Year: Michael Vick. Come on, give the man another dog!<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">The News Lampoon</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-7096528020601224652010-12-14T07:50:00.004-05:002010-12-15T09:24:36.383-05:00In the wake of the tragic, unwarranted arrest of WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange, a hero whose only flaw is that he's allegedly raped a few women, the News Lampoon affirms its solidarity with Mr. Assange by launching Take-a-Leak. So remember: if you have a hot tip, Take-a-Leak!<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">The News Lampoon</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-41597310214190397322010-11-25T05:38:00.000-05:002010-11-25T05:39:35.433-05:00Millions of turkeys are slaughtered each year in remembrance of a time that most American Indians would just as soon forget, seeing as their ancestors went the way of our above-pictured friend; that is, murdered by the white man! So Happy Bloody Thanksgiving, America! (This goes for Columbus Day, too!)<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">The News Lampoon</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-88824287759431927402010-08-26T19:26:00.001-04:002010-08-26T19:28:48.448-04:00Losing LeBron: The King Who Never Really Was<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">The News Lampoon</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-90878277133738416362010-08-14T10:00:00.002-04:002010-08-14T10:03:51.862-04:00We don’t know what exactly to attribute this to—her beauty, her gayness, her talent? All of the above?—but we’re going with it!<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">The News Lampoon</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-76064698919805567982010-07-28T14:24:00.000-04:002010-07-28T14:26:18.948-04:00We Love You, Mister President!<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">NewsLampoon.com</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-72305903330524073852010-07-23T16:47:00.002-04:002010-07-23T16:49:36.382-04:00It’s hard sometimes to write every single day about anything, let alone egotistical politicians, talking heads, and celebrities. Sure, it’s fun to make fun of Nancy Pelosi or Glen Beck or LeBron James, but to do so you have to pay attention to what they do and say before you can skewer them. It wears you down, makes you long for death.<br /><br />See more of this navel-gazing and whining at <a href="http://newslampoon.com">NewsLampoon.com</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-82500107499531598222010-06-25T07:12:00.002-04:002010-06-25T07:16:23.264-04:00An in-depth report by Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Joe claims he resigned his congressional seat in 2001 to spend more time with his kids; he tells us this again and again, ad nauseam, as if trying to convince himself. Oh, yeah, and there was also the matter of the dead girl found in his Florida office. . . . </span><br /><br />Read more about this stunningly superficial man at <a href="http://newslampoon.com">newslampoon.com</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-57887448658416712432010-03-27T18:49:00.000-04:002010-03-27T18:50:32.858-04:00Frogs are getting the shaft!<br /><br />Read more at <a href="http://newslampoon.com">News Lampoon</a>.News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-21444308052750736402010-03-05T16:01:00.000-05:002010-03-05T16:03:42.904-05:00The News Lampoon mourns the death of Barry Hannah.<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">newslampoon.com</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-82273179048908864742010-02-12T20:25:00.002-05:002010-02-12T20:29:48.254-05:00The Huffington Post masquerades as a reader-friendly place, but they censor comments from anyone who doesn't hold to their point of view.<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">newslampoon.com</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-34381023365922386032009-12-28T16:21:00.002-05:002009-12-28T16:23:46.201-05:00To read the latest installment of News Lampoon poet Byron Gordon's new epic, please the the link below:<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com">The News Lampoon, Twisted News, Humor &amp; Satire</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-25298038778458759562009-12-20T07:24:00.003-05:002009-12-20T07:29:07.495-05:00Read Canto the Second of News Lampoon poet Byron Gordon's epic presidential saga--in verse!<br /><br /><a href="http://newslampoon.com/we_love_you_canto_two.htm">Click here!</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-82591873129989677712009-12-12T20:10:00.003-05:002009-12-12T20:14:37.118-05:00<p class="MsoNormal" align="left"><i>We at the </i><span style="font-weight: bold;">News Lampoon</span><i> welcome poet<span style="font-weight: bold;"> Byron Gordon</span> to our ranks. Byron tells us he was an English major at a good two-year college and has written and read “lots of poems.” He seems to know quite a bit about poetry, and we look forward to seeing more of what he can do. So get busy, Byron! We’re hard-working scribblers here at the </i>News Lampoon<i> and have no time to “sit on our laurels"!</i></p><p class="MsoNormal" align="left"><i>Click the link to read <span style="font-weight: bold;">Canto One</span> of Byron's new epic: <a href="http://newslampoon.com/we_love_you_mister_president.htm">"We Love You, Mister President!"</a><br /></i></p>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-62485999554421496072008-12-15T08:17:00.006-05:002008-12-15T08:28:24.078-05:00<b><span style=";font-family:Trebuchet MS;font-size:180%;" >Sean Penn--the Ed Wood of writing</span></b><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-size:130%;" ><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-family:Book Antiqua;" >This is the worst piece of crap I've ever read. Most of my English comp students could have done much better. Hey, Sean, regarding commas: "When in doubt, leave them out." You're a hell of an actor, and you should stick to it. This "piece" is the equivalent of a "B" movie--poorly done and unintentionally funny. You should have called it "Mountain of . . ." well, you can guess the rest.</span></span><br /><br />See the rest of this story at <a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/">www.newslampoon.com</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-2746586189699956742008-07-25T05:13:00.002-04:002008-07-25T05:17:38.234-04:00<span style="font-family:Arial Black;font-size:130%;">'A bunch of noise' to one, boring to another, ignored by the rest<br /></span> <p><b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">German Village, Ohio--</span></b><span style="font-family:Georgia;">I</span><span style="font-family:Book Antiqua;">'d been dozing during the <b>John McCain</b> speech here at <b>Schmidt's Sausage Haus und Restaurant </b>when I heard a faint, tinny sound below the drone of Candidate McCain's voice. I opened my eyes and saw the other reporter covering the event listening to something on his headphones.</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Book Antiqua;">"What're you listening to?" I asked.</span></p> <span style="font-family:Book Antiqua;">"Obama's speech," he said.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Catch the rest of this <a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/obama_berliner.htm">Not-all-that-great story!</a></span><br /><a href="http://www.newslampoon.com">www.newslampoon.com</a><br /></span>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-27246764256655141332008-07-23T23:37:00.002-04:002008-07-23T23:40:57.979-04:00<span style="font-family:Arial Black;font-size:130%;">Pretty-boy Edwards caught by 'Enquirer' with his pants down during late-night rendezvous with a 'real dog'!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">See the rest of this <a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/breck_boy_busted.htm">story of love, betrayal, hypocrisy, bestiality, and rat-itude!</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.newslampoon.com">www.newslampoon.com</a><br /></span>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-11556131566811651072008-07-22T04:45:00.001-04:002008-07-22T04:49:40.106-04:00<span style="font-family:Arial Black;font-size:130%;">Goldberg says 'nigger'<br /></span><span style="font-family:Book Antiqua;"><br />A week or two ago, the <b>Rev. Jesse Jackson</b> was caught by a "hot" FOX News microphone saying <b>Barack Obama</b> has been "telling niggers how to behave." This is what spawned <i>The View</i>'s "nigger" discussion. In short, Jackson caused the whole "nigger" problem.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">See the rest of this . . . <a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/off%20limits.htm">story!</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.newslampoon.com">www.newslampoon.com</a><br /></span></span>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-86915809665351556482008-07-13T23:25:00.003-04:002008-07-14T00:24:47.676-04:00<span style=";font-family:Arial Black;font-size:130%;" >Obama campaign decries 'The New Yorker' magazine's satirical rendering as 'tasteless'<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:Book Antiqua;">And what is it exactly about the word "satire" that has you so confused? Does it say anywhere that it's nice? Who besides you wants to see "tasteful" satire? Oh, wait, we get it now--you thought you and your big-mouthed wife were somehow off limits. . . .<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">See the rest of this t<a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/new_yorker_satirizes_obamas.htm">astefully satirical story . . . not!</a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/">www.newslampoon.com</a><br /></span></span>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-18151371697301707382008-07-13T08:49:00.004-04:002008-07-15T07:50:06.695-04:00<p><span style="font-family:Arial Black;">The final months of the 2008 election season will be charged with sex and violence, making it the most interesting since '68</span></p> <p><span style="font-family:Book Antiqua;">By Jerry Nostradamus, <i>News Lampoon</i> Seer</span></p> <i><span style="font-family:Book Antiqua;">Jerry Nostradamus is a descendent of renowned seer Michel Nostradamus. Click <a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/2008%20predictions.htm">here</a> to see Jerry's frightening predictions!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.newslampoon.com/">www.newslampoon.com</a><br /></span></i>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-69885571144595390052008-07-11T08:34:00.001-04:002008-07-11T08:37:26.582-04:00<span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);font-family:Book Antiqua;" >After completing perhaps his most challenging assignment ever, a stint in rehab following a humiliating, 4:00 a.m. methamphetamine/sex-toy bust in New York's Central Park, a rejuvenated though perhaps less-manically energetic Richard Quest is back on the job at CNN International. Congrats, Richard! We never lost faith.<br /><a href="http://www.newslampoon.com">www.newslampoon.com</a><br /></span>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4668288976460990505.post-45841318320143585352008-07-10T09:59:00.001-04:002008-07-10T10:01:47.794-04:00Read more at about this spacey story at <a href="http://www.newslampoon.com">www.newslampoon.com</a>News Lamphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16960265615299416368noreply@blogger.com0