Lies My Mother Told Me...

SAY IT AINT SO....

2009-03-29T13:20:00.002-04:00

Have I abandoned my blog, my dreams, my wishes.
Definitely not.
I still read my bloglines daily and am fully up-to-date on everyone else's live's.

When all I keep doing is postponing life's plans how can that possibly be inspiring materials for a blogsite? and of course attacks from anonymous posters who try to help point out the obvious when it is not their lives....

So where am I? B* is back from downunder. He has been back since December and so after 2 years of uber long distance there is a readjustment. We are through the readjustment and now into the regular relationship mish-mash.

We are in a recession/depression and B* came back with no locked down form of income. He has spent the last 4 months lining things up which should come to fruition soon - although until you can fold it and put it in your back pocket you don't have it. His new gig will require some back and forth travel but also net lots of money.

He is scheduled to travel the end of April.

I have told him that when he comes back in May from his first big outing that is when I want to begin my baby pursuits. No time will ever be the right time, for him or for me - I know this intellectually and yet it is still hard to pull the trigger.

I have a credit line of $30k that I have access to at a very low interest rate so DE is possible, but my fantasy is to not have to crawl deeper into debt like everyone else and their brother.

So beyond my money fear, is the energy fear. I will be forty five next month (forty fucking five!) and I no longer have the superhuman strength of a 30 year old. Can an infant be raised by a full time 45 year working woman? Will I still have time to do my hair and makeup every morning before shooting off to the office? will i be in a perpetual coma of exhaustion incapable of coherent thoughts or speech?

Am I still waiting?

baby shark has no father

2008-10-10T13:21:00.004-04:00

LOVE IT!

DNA test proves it -- baby shark has no father

Crazy or Not....

2008-09-28T09:54:00.003-04:00

Crazy or not, B* arrives tomorrow for a two week visit. The "Plan" (and there have been many) is that he will be back permanently by the end of the year.

My game plan:

1. Gauge reaction to an early 2009 DE cycle.

2. Get $10k raise by end of 2008 (must, must, must happen!) - my review is tomorrow and this is where I plan to plant the seed. Increases will be known by November and take place in January - Universities are slow, by my lovely private institution is slightly recession proof (so yeah!)

3. Begin clinic inquiries

Where will DE cycle happen?

TBD

With him: Local uber expensive clinic

Without him: some place cheaper

In other news: I have been swimming 2-3 times a week and am feeling quite fit, moreso that probably the last 5 years (plus). I am also down another 5 lbs which brings the grant weight loss total to 20lbs - and am now at my same weight from 10 years ago and fitting into size 4 (on the bottom) which feels like a major league accomplishment.

Onward and upward!!!!!

Anonymous - Side Swipe Part 2 - Signed, "Harsh and Awful"

2008-09-22T20:00:00.004-04:00

For the record I have never said that I disagree with Anonymous, but her tactics leave some thing to be desired. Would love to get her "story...."

I will let her speak for herself:

anonymous said...

C'mon Jade, WTF does my identity matter, really? We're both anonymous in this vast blogosphere. And how will that change the truths I've written one iota?

As for this comment you made in your last post: "That I am dragging my feet and soon it will be too late to get pregnant and still have the energy to keep up with an infant. Gee, hmmm, wasn't that what the last post was all about?"

Yes, that was what your last post was about. But Jade, that's what ALL of your posts have been about. The only thing that changes is time - it's the September 2008 post vs. pick-whatever-post-in-2006-or-2007. Go look - same post today as any month last year or the year before that! You're lamenting over B* and this sad excuse for a relationship when, instead, you should be FURIOUS WITH YOURSELF that you're on the same subject 2 years later and the needle hasn't moved even a millimeter!

You have allowed B* to make your life into the movie Groundhog Day. But you're not just trashing years from your life, you're trashing the ONLY remaining years you have to start a family and make your life what YOU want. That's pretty critical stuff - FAR too important to hand over to some loser who's too cowardly to own his truth.

I'm harsh - yeah, I get that, really. Sadly, I get that's the perception. But what's more troubling than my "harshness" is how we women sabotage one another under the guise of "friendship" and "kindness." We are so used to supporting our girlfriends that we end up enabling them in destructive ways through decades of "understanding." Then we tell our other girlfriends how "she's in so much denial, wasting her life away." Is that TRULY a friend? I say no. The TRUE friend says "yes, leave that jerk and stop wasting your life 'cause time is almost up – your fertility isn't going to be there in 5 years." But most women reading that comment would call that friend a harsh jerk and prefer the girlfriend who said "Oh, I understand – it's hard; give him a chance, he'll come around, he loves you." The "good" friend is the one who helps you feed into the beast of denial and waste more precious years. The "bad" friend tells it honestly. What pathetic irony!

Ultimately, it is YOU who said you've spent "so much time" in "life's waiting room." Haven't you had enough? Isn't it time for YOU to do for YOU? And don't go run and threaten B* that you're moving forward without him – it hasn't worked yet, and you've ended up looking weak and foolish. Just zip your mouth, dust yourself off and MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH AN RE ASAP and get going. Just go do for YOU!

Signed, Harsh and Awful.

PS: No need to worry, no more "hit and run" comments from me. From now on you'll get only dozens of "hang in there, we support you" words of encouragement and you'll be happy. Again, I just hope you're on a donor egg cycle this Christmas, however YOU have to make it happen for YOU!

7:04 PM

Anonymous - hit and run

2008-09-21T18:52:00.003-04:00

Being a free speech person, I realize I am putting myself out in the universe for everyone's perusal. I could screen or limit the comments but how interesting would that be? It is not surprising that in the blogosphere there are going to be those who want to speak their mind without owning their thoughts - which is crazy when you think about it. My name isn't really Jade - but I am Jaded, and happy to own my online identity.

Why do I raise this you may wonder? well my last post garnered one of those lovely anonymous responses - someone airing their views and blasting me out for being in denial about B* and his true intentions. That I am dragging my feet and soon it will be too late to get pregnant and still have the energy to keep up with an infant. Gee, hmmm, wasn't that what the last post was all about?

The post was searing, and I read it last night on my blackberry as I was driving to a party and I ended up taking a wrong turn and making an extremely illegal U-turn.

Anyway, as harsh as it was, it did serve as a kick in the butt and for that I am grateful. I just think that it would have felt less punishing had the person actually revealed their own identity. But so it goes....

Despite rumors of my demise ...I am still here

2008-09-19T13:39:00.003-04:00

I can't believe that I haven't posted since June. I guess I think of this as my fertility blog, and when I am not in active motion, there is nothing to report, update or ponder.

I am not in active motion, I am at a dead stand still. B* is not back from Down Under, although he is now suggesting that he will be back for good by the end of 2008.

Given the economy, his paranoia about expenditures is very high and this may seem like an obvious statement for those of you who have been playing along on this blog, but I think that best case he is ambivalent.

So what about me, when I ponder this course of pursuing DE by myself I become terrified, others do it but Christ every day I am one day older and I feel it! my financials are a little better but still in the crapper, etcetera, etcetera.

But then I think what is life all about? Maybe I should be hunting for a different man and worrying about the baby later (since the fertility clock kicked the can 2 years ago). But I worry that I will be too old to keep up with a munchkin if I postpone much longer.

Then I started thinking that if I do this on my own, I could pursue embryo adoption which would cost a lot less.

Everyone is falling pregnant in infertile blog world, and my eyes are like laser beams on pregnant bellies all day long at work, the gym, shopping, everywhere a pregnant belly!

I am a sea of confusion and would welcome any illumination, if any one out there is still listening....

My Back ....what a pain.. Ankylosing Spondylitis (say what?)

2008-06-18T21:02:00.005-04:00

So for the last year I have been dealing with back pain, which totally sucks and makes me worried that in addition to menopause, I am really not physically up to carrying another person around for 9 months or an infant, or a toddler. I often think I am on that slippery slope to crippleville.

When I was 29 - oh so many many moons ago, I developed some very bad back issues and at first attributed it to the fact that I did high impact aerobics 6 days a week (remember the early 90s?). But after seeing three doctors it was determined that I might have this genetic pre-disposition to this specific kind of arthritis, but the x-rays were inconclusive. They gave me the right drugs, I got better, and I was back in step aerobics a few weeks later.

So smooth sailing (for the most part) until last year - at first I thought it was from gardening, or maybe yoga class but 12 months later and desperate I went to the rheumatoligist. I had the MRI where you sit in the big giant tube for 30 minutes of deafening clicks and vibration and low and behold yes, the dreaded genetically transmitted arthritis - and now there is evidence in my sacrum joints (not too much damage thank goodness) but it was there on the MRI.

What does this mean, it is all about inflammation management and exercise to maintain flexibility. The worst case is that my vertebrae fuse and my spine becomes rigid. But they have lots of special drugs now to prevent this from happening - including these new biologics called TNF - but I'm not there yet.

The rheumatologist suggested that I do some reading on the Internet about AnkylosingSpondylitis and so I did. And I am glad I did. Because buried near the end of the piece I printed out was a section on pregnancy. It said, "Do not deny yourself pregnancy" - or at least that's how I remember it. And so I will not.

Less Self Pity

2008-06-02T21:08:00.003-04:00

I am getting very tedious with all this self pity. I need to resolve to trade in the self pity for positive affirmations.

Now let me think....

B* is coming back
I am getting a promotion (soon)
I made my jenny craig goal weight at the end of December (4 months) and have maintained it (5 months)
I've recently joined a few social networking sites and am having fun reconnecting with people I haven't seen or spoken to in 26 years - (that is a long time!)
I'm reading Embryo Culture and enjoying it (i feel like I am reading the diary of someone I know - more on that later)
My baby boy is ready for intermediate dog agility (he is so cute!)

OK, how did I do?

Land of the Rat Terriers

2008-06-01T09:11:00.004-04:00

I have 4 dogs. They keep me very busy and entertained. I love them all for their different personalities and the relationships they have with each other.

Bozo, who is the athletic one, has now made it to intermediate level agility. We have been working/training for over a year and soon he will be ready to start competing (3 more months!). I am very proud of my baby boy.

Birthday Shmirthday

2008-06-01T08:45:00.002-04:00

I celebrated my birthday last week. Actually, I don't think it is completely accurate to say "celebrated" maybe the word "mourned" is a better classification.

I don't know why, but I am completely obsessed with the notion of getting old. If I had a baby would this feeling stop? would this be the higher purpose that makes all the narcissistic angst vanish? I suspect that I do in fact harbor this fantasy that life will feel less finite with the birth of a child.

Nonetheless, the aging obsession has several data points,
1. pre-mature menopause (check)
2. severe lower back pain that has been with me for over a year (check)
3. this new flabbiness on the side of my breast that I find myself tucking into my underwire bra (check)
4. fatigue that no amount of coffee can seem to cure (check)
5. walking into a store at the montgomery mall called Vintage 1981 and being completely confused (check)

Ameri*can Idol - My Theory

2008-05-22T13:34:00.003-04:00

I am glad David Cook won. The other David aka "little kid" may be a great crooner but he was severely lacking in the personality department. Cook has an incredible likeability factor and I think he will do well.

Okay, so here is my theory. The final night of competition after Cook sang his last song, remember when Simon said he thought it was the wrong choice for the final show. Cook said it was about progression and he didn't agree. Camera cuts to Simon looking at Cook - and he WINKS.

I think, that because Simon was hard on Cook, viewers felt the need to vote for Cook, because Simon's harsh words put Cook in jeopardy of losing. In fact, Simon understands how all of this works (remember the week he was nice to Carly she lost?) and the wink was letting Cook know I am with you all the way, trust me.

Further proof, Simon apologized to Cook just before the results were read, saying that when he re-watched the performances he realized it was not a knock out.

Sex and th*e City - NOSTALGIA

2008-05-20T19:07:00.002-04:00

Sex and the C*ity was my show all the way. I was 34 when it first aired and although bigger than life, it was my life in many ways. My single gal pals and I would toast the new season with Sour Apple Martinis glued to the screen.

I remember the new season first episode in season 4 maybe? I think, it was Carrie's birthday and no one shows up at the restaurant and she goes home glum as can be ruminating over all her issues. But of course in the end, her friends come to her rescue and another page is turned in the life of Carrie Bradshaw.

So here I am 10 years later, turning 4-4- next week and still ruminating over all my issues. I thought I would leave that behind in my 30's - that's what they are there for! But no, now I am having decade #2 of all the same issues - married, not married, baby, no baby, having it all, not having it all, oh and now unlike the first time around throw in Menopause and clearly visible signs of aging.

I have some trepidation about going to see the Sex and the City movie, will my life measure up to theirs? have they evolved while I have not...I signed up for a sweepstakes to win free tickets to a special preview showing that is scheduled to take place on my goddamn birthday. And now it is up to the fates to decide if this is what I do on my 44th.

My favorite line from the Carrie birthday episode, "Fuck, I'm old,"

To Be or Not to B*

2008-05-20T16:19:00.003-04:00

on our 630 a.m. call this morning (remember it's 8 p.m. australia time) B* pronounced that he felt done in Australia and that he was ready to come back. they always come back in the end don't they?

so i'm a mix here of glee and dread. when i don't want to listen i just hang up or don't answer the phone. I eat what I want and watch all the trash tv that any sane human could possibly stand. I don't know how anxious he will to be to get going on the baby stuff and yet time is marching on - we both can almost legitmately rely on the I'm too old to have kids excuse.

So I think his return will be a mixed bag. But I have spent so much time in the waiting room (life's waiting room) that resolution atleast means forward movement in some direction or another. It's a start.

And next week I turn 44 - what an awfully big number. More on that soon.

My Alec Obsession

2008-05-15T11:49:00.005-04:00

I have an Alec obsession. He is my archetype of the attractive Male. I can't explain it, it just is so. I have had this crush on Alec Baldwin since I was in my twenties.

When I was in my early thirties I actually had the opportunity to get to know and work with him (he was newly married to Kim at the time and hoping to start a family). He was on the board of the organization I was working for at the time. My colleagues forbade me from talking about Alec I had become so obsessed. He would call me on the weekends to ask me questions and discuss politics. I was living a dream. Eventually I moved on to another job and my connection to Alec began to fade. I saw him again about a year after I left my job, he came up to me, "J- how are you," big kiss. I lapped it up. (embedded video)

I still have my Alec dreams. And in my dreams he is a complete rake, luring me in and then pushing me away - I wonder if this isn't part of my romantic archetype as well. When it was announced that he was getting divorced, I have to say my heart did flutter.

And yes, he is older now and has beefed up in the past few years, but for me it doesn't seem to matter. I am getting older too and he is still my crush.

Choice: the excercising of Free Will

2008-05-12T16:15:00.002-04:00

I am working with a coach at work on my management style and she left the door open that she was available to help me with my personal goals as well as professional. I figure why not, the office is paying for it and they want me to see her until the end of August.

So I told her the boyfriend in Australia and I want to have a baby story - the abridged version. She recommended two readings, the first an excerpt from her book on divorce about "Choice" and the second a book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It's very new agey/western tradition/self actualization stuff but it is providing me with an additional perspective on my life and how I got to where I am at this moment in time.

The issue with Choice, and this is the point of all of this rambling, is that once you choose then the path will be clear. I have to choose to have a baby and then all my actions will point me in that direction. In many ways I have not chosen because I have not acted. Same thing with my relationship (notice she gave me a chapter in her book on divorce to read as I think about my relationship). I can choose not to be with him but I need to truly own it. I'm still feeling murky here even though everyone else seems to be shouting at me about this.

Then Sh*e Found ME

2008-05-11T08:50:00.006-04:00

Then Sh*e Found ME is an interesting movie. It wraps in so many of the TTC, relationship and Motherhood issues that made me want to just inhale deeply, take it all in, and then process after I left the theater.

Helen Hunt wrote the screen adaptation and plays the lead. I admire her courage to take on this subject and to be one of the rare Hollywood starlets not to aggressively go under the knife to conceal the aging process. Bette Midler on the other hand, is starting to look like a claymation character.

Back to the movie, Then Sh*e Found ME is about a woman on the precipice of 40, dealing with relationships, the desire to have a baby and what to do with the Mother who put you up for adoption who suddenly shows up after all these years.

What is stirs in me: the hunger for a child even though the relationship does not appear to be properly in place (no white picket fence) and what will it mean if I go the donor route and the absence of a genetic connection.

An interesting film choice for Mother's day if you are feeling intellectually entrepeneurial.

I'm Back.....

2008-05-11T08:43:00.002-04:00

I'm back, or at least trying to be back as an active blogger. I never really "left," I have been lurking the whole time, just too forlorn to post. Not enough to say, too much to say, tired of saying the same thing and yet never making any progress.

But now I am resolved to be back. I may be that tree falling in the forest that no one hears but I am back anyways.

My Grandma

2008-02-16T08:57:00.004-05:00

My Grandma is dying. She had a massive stroke a few weeks ago and has been in decline since then. She is on morphine for the pain, and the feeding tube was removed yesterday. I'm welling up just writing these words.

She turned 93 last month, so I console myself with the fact that she has had a long life. Filled with brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, loving husband, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She has seen it all. But I will miss her.

I try to trick myself into thinking that in most ways she is already gone because she has not really been conscious since her stroke 3 weeks ago. I went to see her in the hospital and it was sad, scary and grim. I knew when I looked into her face that what I saw was a person who was dying, barely the grandma that I use to cuddle in bed with when I was small.

I know I am lucky. I had a grandma for 43 years which is a long, long time. I always like to think that the grandchild role is a special one. I was the first grandaughter.

My Mother, who is insane, is making this all about her which is creating an unwelcomed distraction. I am dreading having to deal with her over the next few weeks.

I regret not being able to give my grandma another great grandchild. I also feel guilty knowing that the genetic connection ends with me. I will not be passing along the long line that my grandma represented.

The picture up above was taken when my grandmother was thirteen, full of promise and life. I like this image, it is one of hope and optimism.

The day before her stroke she went to the beauty parlor (for the last time). It was a great pleasure that she never gave up on. Her white hair was cut and fluffed and her nails freshly manicured in pearlized baby pink.

This picture was taken infront of her apartment building, the building she lived in until the day she went to the hospital 3 weeks ago. She moved in when the building opened in 1942.

It gives me great comfort to know that she still cared to look her best. At 93 she still managed to put on her lipstick and draw on her eyebrows before she went out in public.

This is the grandma I will always remember.

menopause - the gift that keeps on giving

2008-01-04T12:13:00.001-05:00

Menopause is the gift that keeps on giving. I just got a call from my doctor's office that my cholesterol has shot throught the roof and I have to go on medication to bring it down.

4 years ago I had great cholesterol and now I am suddenly high risk - and 100 points higher.

I thought that losing 15lbs (yea!) would help bring my number down, but clearly menopause trumps weight loss.

Junoverse

2008-01-02T16:55:00.000-05:00

I joined the Junoverse this weekend - and so should you. I don't want to ruin the movie so I won't provide any personal commentary on the characters, but it is an interesting movie for infertiles.

Click here for a peak at the Junoverse

Fat, Carbs and the Science of Conception

2008-01-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

Fat, Carbs and the Science of Conception

Ok, I am a little behind given that this article came out last month. I discovered this article while receiving a yummy pedicure at my favorite Vietnamese nail place.

Given that I have not ovulated in 17 months I assume I am a lost cause and no diet is going to resurrect what damaged DNA I may have left.

Xmas Holiday - Best wishes to all...

2007-12-25T09:49:00.000-05:00

I was feeling bitter yesterday, less so now...maybe I feel better because it is sunny and clear and my usual aches and pains have subsided.

I always associate the holidays with family time and it makes my longing for my own family all the greater. Yesterday at the market all the carts were in use except for the ones with the baby carriers - and it struck me, here I am again, pushing a grocery cart with an empty baby carrier. I stuck my fire logs in the baby carrier so it would seem less empty as I made my way through the aisles and last minute shopping hysteria.

B* is not here, and not sure if he is going to visit from Australia at all in between semesters. He thinks we need to economize - a hard point to argue against. He is obsessed with the collapsing economy - I get a daily 6:30 a.m. flash report on the status of the US economy, why the labor department statistics are wrong, whose bailing out who, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...

I suspect that he is, underneath it all, afraid of the commitment to me, a future family, the mortgage....and so I wait. Foolish perhaps.

In my heart of hearts I know that I will have a baby in 2008. Either DE or ED (embryo donation) - kind of cool how the letters reverse - an appropriate symmetry. ED is an intriguing option, basically the cost of an FET and something to consider. I have not yet broached the topic of ED with B* - not sure how he will respond.

I am so proud of all my fellow blogofiles who have worked so hard in 2007 to build their families. And I have all my fingers and toes crossed for Callie during her 2ww

This is not a new year's post, but I think that we should all resolve to make 2008 the year of family creation.

I am up for a (small) promotion at work and have my fingers crossed that the financial bump up will put me in a better position to move forward.

I have now shed a total of 14 lbs courtesy of Jenny Craig and am working hard to get in shape - abdominals and all. I feel much better about my body, better than I have felt in probably 6 or 7 years - it has become much more fun getting dressed, and dressed up.

So today is a day of reflection. I am going to light a fire, organize my bills (blech), knit, take the dogs for a long walk and take deep long breathes.

(that's my GM on the right - her birthday is in 2 weeks - she will be 93!)

Babes in Blogland - I am not alone

2007-12-20T16:35:00.001-05:00

Here I am in business attire on a recent trip to Korea.

After not blogging for nearly 2 months I figured that I had been left in the dust.

In a moment of utter anxiety and pain I posted and voila - the Babes of Blogland were at my side as if no time at all had passed since my last communique. It is a really nice feeling to know that I am not alone - it makes a huge difference.

It was a real slap upside the head to discover that the DE Coordinator, who knows my whole life story, is no longer working in my RE's office.

Upon reflection this cuts both ways - I don't have to make any excuses for why it is taking so long, I can just start fresh with a new DE coordinator and not fill in all the back story.

I do want to investigate donor embryo a bit more - it is starting to feel like a serious option.

Thanks again to all the wonderful, brave women out there who give me hope and strength.

Mail Delivery Subsystem

2007-12-19T16:36:00.000-05:00

Dear DE coordinator at My RE's office:

- It's me Jade, the forever in-waiting mode patient. I said I would contact you towards the end of the year to discuss next steps.

Without boring you with too many details - I do not think that B* is as serious about this as I am - and financially I really can't swing donor egg on my own. So I am at a crossroads.

Option 1 - Wait until B* is back in the US (probably May) and then see if he will come around.

Option 2 -Proceed without him one way or the other.

So if I go with Option 2 - I am wondering if I should be considering embryo adoption. Here are my questions:

Does My RE's office do embryo adoption?
As a single, 43 year old female, will I be an unattractive candidate?
What are the costs involved?
What would be the next steps?

I wish my outlook for donor egg was brighter - but why do donor egg, if the sperm is not coming from your designated partner. Please email me back any info you have and let's try to connect if you are in town during the next few days. My phone: xxxx (cell)

Thanks, Jade

Reply:
From: Mail Delivery Subsystem [MAILER-DAEMON@aol.com]

To: Jade

Subject: User Unknown

very bad, very bad indeed. Even the DE coordinator has moved on with her life.

plugging plugging plugging

2007-10-16T11:57:00.000-04:00

I'm doing lots of hard work over here and I hope there will be a pay off.

I have now lost nearly 10 lbs (less than 1/2 lb to go to the 10 lb mark) and so the clothes are fitting better and I can actually wear a belt and not feel like I have a pooch. My goal was to lose 12 lbs but I am tempted to add 5 lbs to the goal so I have more of a cushion for baby weight gain.

I have to say this Jenny Craig diet really works - my biggest challenge is at night when I love to nosh non-stop. I've replaced all my evil snacks with carrots sticks and jello-free zero calorie.

My back is feeling a lot better which also helps - I feel more energized and able to complete tasks.

I am also ramping up the Pilates which can only help.

And, I sold a house so I get commission (which only gets applied to debt relief).

Little by little, step by step, progress....