learnings

On Apologising the right way

2023-01-19T22:15:00.004-08:00

' Apologise in person. If you keeping telling how sorry you are to others it is pathetic guilt!' Pearls of wisdom in a South Korean rom com (Pinnochio).

I have been in this situation decades earlier. Presently I am more courageous. Here my courage does not signify absence of fear. I am afraid of the backlash yet I do not hesitate to apologise if I am wrong. I am accountable for my actions.

Very often we are trapped in our guilt and embarrassment hence it is easier to vent or express to the third person. We then form our narrative that since we 'feel' apologetic it is ok. Soon the narrative will deceive us saying that we 'are ' or 'were' apologetic and why the wronged person could not see it through.

Have you been there, done that? It is not late. apologise in person for otherwise it is pathetic guilt!

Count down vs count up- Perspective rocks!

2023-01-07T22:03:00.000-08:00

(google images)

While working out in the gym, the rowing equipment had a different setting. I usually set a timer for ten minutes. And the count down begins. this time due to the different settings the timer (I didn't know to reset and it refused to budge) worked in the ascending order.

Interestingly in spite of the time slot remaining the same 10 minute- I felt a discomfort! I was so used to countdown that I felt uncomfortable seeing the numbers going up; I felt the time climbing up seemed to me like I am climbing uphill- I have a long route ahead. Whereas during countdown I am happier that I am inching near my destination sooner.

Foolishly I grinned at myself. Same time slot; same equipment; same effort yet a difference in perspective caused discomfort.

How often I have experienced similar discomfort unnecessarily as I took time to change my perspective!!

Quiet quitting..ambition..personality..

2022-10-28T22:51:00.001-07:00

Within months of reading several articles raving about quiet quitting, I read a recent one with amusement. A journalist had interviewed a recruiter going by the pseudonym Justin. Justin cut back his working hours and and could be practically called the 'father' of quiet quitting concept.

6 months later the journalist caught up with him and found out that Justin has now taken a different stance. He is putting in 50 hours a week. The reasons were several- job market coo ling off, recession etc.

I was reminded of a conversation I had with my son. I use articles (confirmation bias) and research surveys to my advantage when suited. My son pointed out the flimsiness of my arguments.

Theories and research surveys will come and go. We ought to know what would suit us, our personality, our value system and our needs. This applies to our personal and professional front.

The concept of quiet quitting has always been there. It has the fancy label now. As a Professional, loyalty, commitment and dedication are universal ethics to be inculcated. I have witnessed students being harmed or hurt when teachers have embraced quiet quitting.

Cal Newport's blog is a good read on different personality types and how different people are wired for different ambition types.

Manikarnika- cremation ghat at Varanasi

2022-10-12T02:18:00.001-07:00

At 11.00 pm three of us women were dropped off at the main road. We walked through very narrow dark alleys to reach the ghat.

A friend of mine suggested we visit at midnight. Not nearly midnight but we made it. Very bravely we went through the maze of alleys; fortunately for us we met one odd or soul or the other who guided us.

When we reached the cremation area we found only men there- some were selling logs of wood for the cremation; some were tonsuring their heads ( a ritual followed during death ceremony) and some were seated staring into the sky or at us. One chap was selling tea. One chap offered to give us the 'guide' know how of the place. Politely declining and ignoring the looks we climbed up the stairs- yes there is this three storied building with huge furnaces where the cremation is done. The electric crematorium is also housed here. We climbed up to get a closer look. We could not take the fuming heat. We stood; observed a few seconds of silence, staring into the burning pyres of unknown people.

The pyres burn 24/7. A minimum of 200 are cremated everyday. Strangely there is no stink of death here.

There is an old Shiva temple that leans at 9 degrees- four degrees more than the leaning tower of Pisa. It is supposed to have been built during the Mughal period- either by Man Singh's servant or by the servant of Ahalyabai Holkar ( facts are unclear). Most times of the year the inner sanctum is submerged under water.

One of the walls of the crematorium, had these words painted which after translation loosely means - Taking birth is in the hands of destiny, death - it comes upon the time decided, after death, how we live in the hearts of people depends on our deeds.

Profound! we have no control over birth and death; the only factor we can control is how we 'live' in this world. All of us know this yet how many of us are mindful. Often we need to reinforce so as to live a meaningful life.

I wonder what drew me here

To be one with unknown souls!

If death is fascinating..

How magnificent is this LIFE,

Thank you Creator,

Thank you Universe!

Mukthi Bhavan at Varanasi- the enlightenment homestay

2022-10-09T22:48:00.002-07:00

I visited Mukthi Bhavan out of sheer curiosity. I am glad I did. It helped me remove a lot of misconceptions too. This place is otherwise known as the Death Hotel.

It does sound morbid. But a visit to this place removes all such thoughts and feelings. I was greeted very politely at their office. I was directed inside to meet with one of the caretakers who was dressed in white kurta and dhoti.

It is an old haveli with ten rooms. It is managed smoothly by the Dalmia trust.

It welcomes people on their death beds- especially those who are terminally ill. The dying person must check in with a family member. The are checked in for two weeks. The room is given free along with cooking utensils and an LPG gas cylinder. Usually families stay in one room; very rarely if they are big in number they take up two rooms. The family is expected to take care of their daily chores. All help is rendered to achieve the last wishes of the dying person. I heard of one person wanting to meet his sibling whom he had not spoken with for 30 years. The visit was arranged. The very next day after the meeting, the soul passed away!

In the two weeks if the person does not die, another fortnight of stay is extended. Rarely a third term of stay is extended- it would be if the caretakes feels that the person may die in that period. In the last 44 years this caretaker has always been precise about his prediction. It gave me goosebumps on hearing this. They also encourage the person to go back home after two fortnights. Some of them do not wish to go back and stay back elsewhere at Kashi. This home is close to the Kashi Vishwanath temple.

As I peered down at the courtyard, the caretaker mentioned that an old soul had passed away just the night before. One does not feel morbid or negative here.

I saw a family chanting beside their loved one.

From the ancient times, in the way of Hinduism, Buddhism and Jainism, people have believed in mukthi /moksha i.e. liberation of the soul. So the people who check in here come here to surrender themselves to death voluntarily. They have practised detachment from this material world. This is no easy task. They are preparing their last days consciously. They leave this world in peace.

There is a small temple in the premises where I came across this old man. He may be preparing for his final days- yet he looked so serene, so handsome and when he smiled at me I bowed to him in reverence.

Will I be able to embrace death so peacefully?

Revive Fit- a gym for Apple watch users in Chennai

2022-09-21T07:54:00.004-07:00

My journey to fitness began at this unobtrusive gym. I began with trepidation. I had too many fears within- would my body withstand? would my knees go for a toss? what if I overwork and collapse? and above all I hate the ache of sore muscles.

So I specified that I wasn't here for weight loss.

Revive Fit began as a popular physiotherapy centre owned by a very humble and soft spoken Keshav Tantri. A fitness module was gradually included due to popular demand.

My initial 3 months was a gradual entry into endurance and stamina building.

During the next 3 months, my trainer, a young enthusiastic and passionate learner (Jai) took it upon himself to get a few of us hooked to tech-fitness.

A group of young women using Apple watches had formed a group to challenge and compete. Now I am a beneficiary of the regime too. Jai, sensing their motivation and grit, began to familiarise with the varied fitness workout features in Apple watch. He has begun to create fantastic work out routines at varying levels to suit each one of us.

Jai is a good example of growth mindset in action- open to learning, being creative and motivating.

Korean rom com... 💓💖💗💘💖

2022-09-02T01:15:00.001-07:00

I began watching period drama initially on Netflix- European, British and Oriental. I got hooked on with Korean stories- both period and modern.

Ah theses rom com series are just perfect. They are mushy mushy and mushy, with soulful songs, beautiful landscapes, cuteness overloaded, costumes and make up that one could gaze upon, lot of appetising food scenes, families and friends thrown in, have scenes that tug at your heart... that lingering feel good dreamy after effect.....

I do not miss my Mills& Boon any longer (😂).

Dreams and Gratitude- concluded

2022-09-01T06:48:00.000-07:00

I am continuing with the dreams/stories gathered by the recent interaction I had with a group of young working adults.

Their stories stirred my soul. One person began his career as a car driver. Today he stands proudly among the engineering graduates wearing formals and working in the IT sector. He said his dream is to travel with his family to different parts of India. His most adventurous trip was when he had to take a customer to two neighbouring states within 36 hours. He spoke with such excitement that he visited Hyderabad and Bangalore in such a short interval.

Yet another person mentioned he wanted to build a house for his parents. One youngster is determined to go on a long bike ride from Chennai to Kanyakumari.
Beautiful dreams and beautiful people. Once again it was so humbling to listen to each one of them.

I am grateful they shared their stories with me.

Dreams and gratitude -part 1

2022-08-22T02:42:00.000-07:00

A recent interaction with a group of young adults left me so humbled. Time and again we need reinforcements to weave through life. Reinforcements to satiate the physique, the mind and the soul!

They shared some of their dreams and unforgettable moments.

One mentioned that his unforgettable moment was his travel in a VOLVO 'luxury' bus from his native to the city of Chennai. His eyes lit up as he explained to me the 'smooth' ride, the comfort of the luxury bus, the excellent braking system and the experience of sleeping on such a bus. The pace of his speech increased and he was so excited. His dream is to travel by various forms of transport- the train, ship and the aeroplane.

It was a humbling moment for me. A gratitude reminder for the privileges I have experienced and experiencing.

Cover your mouth when you yawn- please!

2022-08-06T00:12:00.002-07:00

Every time I walk into a room of people- young / old, it is getting more and more difficult to see a person cover one's mouth while yawning.

I wonder why this etiquette is not taught from kindergarten. It is good manners to cover one's mouth while yawning.

1. Yawning is contagious 😅

2. You are exposing your teeth, gums and tongue which aren't a pretty sight and most probably not smelling of flowers (sic)

3. You do not present a pretty/handsome sight when you don't cover your mouth while yawning.

There can be other reasons but why ponder or debate when it is just about good manners.

I picked it up early during my school years. My teachers would constantly remind us. It is so ingrained into me that I now take up the mantle of passing the info to whomever I come across.

Sorry folks do cover up!😀

The Nambi effect- salute to all the scientists of India

2022-08-02T20:46:00.003-07:00

Kudos to Madhavan for giving us this film. Rocketry stirs and shakes up our soul. The actor has been brilliant in his endeavour. A complex subject brought forward to relate to the common man is no easy job.

This is a MUST WATCH. I hope all the governments screen it to the youth and inspire them to stoke their scientific temper.

In general we, the average citizen, does not remember or give a thought to the brilliant minds behind research. Doing research in our country with limited funds is a heartless vocation.

Salute to all the past and present scientists. Thank you.

Nambi Sir I truly bow to you.

80's songs and nostalgia of a forgotten summer vacation

2022-07-29T22:34:00.002-07:00

My son has gifted me a wonderful SONOS speaker. I have added Spotify to my list of streaming channels. I am listening to songs from the 80's. Some hindi songs evoked memories of beautiful vacations I used to take to my native Kerala. My extended cousins who grew up in Madhya Pradesh would come down too. They were fluent in Hindi and spoke more of it than our mother tongue. It was exciting for me to practise my Hindi. Though it was my second language at school, I hardly got to speak in Chennai.

I used to enjoy translating some of it to the elders around when they couldn't understand my north walla cousins.

We would meet almost every day, cavort around the narrow paths in between the paddy fields to go from one uncle's house to another's. We would hum some of the popular songs (listening now) as we walked. Playing the local hide and seek, cycling, eating raw mangoes with salt and chilli powder, hungrily gobbling up our aunt's yummy food.... ah those were the days.

We haven't met for more than two decades now. Wonder if and when we would meet up...

Montana and V Anand

2022-07-27T20:57:00.005-07:00

A recent visit to a a small souvenir shop in a quaint part of Montana revealed a sentimental connect. The shopkeeper, a Russian, on knowing that I was from Chennai asked me if I had heard of Vishwananthan Anand. My answer being obvious he wanted to test if I was fooling around. He mentioned casually about Anand playing tennis is it not. Hearing my emphatic No he smiled. He is a professional chess player and was a fan of Anand. I felt so proud that Anand was remembered with fondness so far away from his homeland.

Today a Chess carnival is on in my city- the city of V Anand. Yet I find him featured minimally in the State's official welcome song for the event. I hardly saw any picture of Anand associated with the event. Politics above genius!

College years

2022-07-27T05:25:00.004-07:00

It is disconcerting to learn from final year undergrads that they have practically nothing to write under certificates/ extracurricular and memberships. Out of 60 students hardly ten fill out up these criteria.

One can see the worry writ large on their faces as placements near.

I remembered my college days. I was a proud member of the NCC- National cadet Corps. My college's system was that we had to make a choice to join either NSS/NCC.

In spite of having loads of fun we managed to have a balance between academics and activities.

So why are engineering students in this situation? Who is to blame- the system or students? Students will always want to have only fun. So should the system not ensure some form of accountability?

Ranveer Singh in 'hot' water?

2022-07-26T20:40:00.001-07:00

A 'male' files a complaint against the 'hot' actor Ranveer Singh for posing nude. The actor has done a series of decent nudes. He has been trolled and several memes have come out.

Of course the trolls and memes are from other males! of course!! How does a male file a petition claiming Ranveer is hurting women's sentiments! Sorry Sir, dont you realise we arent. We are quite enjoying his latest pics.😀😂😃😃😄.

Please file complaints against rapists being let off after a short sentence; against the police constable who impregnated a 16 year old; against the ppl who have questioned a Dalit girl daring to go to school.

Please do not block the channels of judiciary with your moral policing. We - the WOMEN- are perfectly capable of addressing our sentiments. Please allow the judiciary to use their precious time on issues that really needs intervention.

The need for appreciation and encouragement

2022-07-24T08:48:00.002-07:00

During a recent interaction with 20 and 21 year olds it was with a very heavy heart that I heard the following :

Ma'am this is the first time a teacher has encouraged me. ( This was because I had encouraged him to speak in front of the class and had some kind words for him!)

Ma'am I have never been noticed in school or college ( a very shy student)

Ma'am thank you for appreciating me. I will not forget you ever.

My heart ached for these students. Such precious years gone without being appreciated/encouraged/ noticed.

Just as food, air and water is fundamental for our survival, for us to thrive and develop we need to belong, to feel secure, we need to be appreciated and noticed.

A few kind words go a long long way. What would help is to make it a habit to look for positives in the other.

Outsourcing jobs

2022-05-29T22:08:00.004-07:00

I have a workshop coming up. I have personal commitments and I have to clean out the fridge. I look up. Oops the kitchen fan needs cleaning. I sat down to take a breath. many a time I have often felt that I 'have' to do it. After all am I not the superwoman who can juggle with tasks and work.

I took a deep breath and as I exhaled I had this light bulb moment. I looked up URBAN CLAP the one stop for all needs. I clicked and voila! I have outsourced the fridge cleaning and the fan cleaning. What a relief. Now I can focus on the important tasks at hand.

Texas and Tamilnadu incidents-

2022-05-26T23:51:00.001-07:00

I read with shock and distress about two incidents. One 17 year old boy in my state- Tamilnadu hacked to death his best friend and about the recent school shooting in Texas.

Both incidents had one thing in common ( apart from other factors) Both boys had been victims of bullying. I am not justifying their acts at all. They performed criminal acts of violence.

The Tamilnadu boy has been a victim of body shaming while the Texas boy has been bullied for his stuttering and other factors.

As a society we are equally responsible for such crimes to be reduced and vanish from our existence. I am not going into politics here.

If every home, if every school laid the foundation of relationships with EMPATHY we can bring down such violence. We are very accountable and responsible for the upbringing of every child placed in our care. As parents and teachers we must make the effort to be observant of our child's behaviour.

If the society works together we can bring down bullying and shaming. I remember in the school where I worked last, we introduced Group Counselling -it was called Enrichment class- This class served to brainstorm issues faced by students and they would be responsible ( with our guidance) to find solutions. Bullying, body shaming, unhealthy eating habits, gender identity, gender equality , childhood trauma were all brought up and discussed. The overall result was bonding between classmates and empathy building. So much goodness cameo out of this. It also shocked/surprised us to see such issues existing in the otherwise near perfect environment.

Let us adults take the effort to see below the surface. For this we MUST ensure we Connect and Communicate.

The joy and thrill of giving unexpectedly and receiving unexpectedly

2022-05-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

I was lounging after lunch. I read a piece of interesting news and shared with my son who lives on the side of the globe. Knowing it would be wee hours in the morning I expected him to see it later . When I received the instant reply and exchange of messages- aah what a warm fuzzy feeling. The thrill of the unexpectedness leaves a glow and a smile. It motivated me to text a friend with whom I haven't been in touch for long. There was that joy in her reply. When we give unexpectedly as simple as a text and we receive the reply unexpectedly there is so much happiness.

Happiness lies in simple moments.

Do something you've never done before...

2022-05-17T01:25:00.004-07:00

This is something that struck me when I read the book Ichigo Ichie.. Last week my friend invited me for a session on waltz. He teaches this dance form (one among his numerous talents). I laughed in embarrassment for I could not visualise myself dancing. I do dance but in a wild and no choreograph style!!

Years ago I 'received' messages which I internalised- I have two left feet, I cannot dance to organised steps', I am clumsy etc etc.

And here is my friend inviting me for waltz😟.He did not hear a No for an answer. He reassured that I leave the worries to him. I then decided to give it a try. I am not getting younger. And after watching all these British dramas, to waltz was a secret fantasy.

So tremulously I went on Friday evening. There were few others. Gosh the thought of being a comic figure in front of all made my heart pound.

Music began. My friend began giving us instructions and guided each one of us. I did make errors but in the hands of an excellent teacher, there I was waltzing away; my gown swishing and flowing... Was this me? I was delirious.

My teacher's motivation, his belief in me, his words- 'you can dance' melted my embarrassment and fear.

I thoroughly enjoyed the session. Thank you friend. Thank you teacher. I did something that I had never done before. I 'lived', I 'thrived' in those moments. Ichigo Ichie.

A pat for myself.

2022-05-16T03:00:00.003-07:00

Recently I made a 'social' blunder. A small blunder and I began to accost myself harshly. As I caught myself doing this I paused. I said enough, yes I made the blunder , it is ok... ; so how do I not repeat it... I made a mental note to myself. I gave myself a reassuring pat. Phew what a relief that was. Brought my smile back.

My brief tryst with the skipping rope.

2022-05-11T21:11:00.007-07:00

Last evening I spied upon this bright orange skipping rope ( modern and plastic) at the gym. I stared at it longingly. In the last so many years I have been tempted to use this but I had not indulged.

Many thoughts chained me. I was unsure if I could even jump. I was embarrassed of tripping and falling. I was embarrassed of skipping with my heavy body. I was scared if my knees could handle the jumps. Ah so many limiting thoughts! Yesterday the orange rope shone brightly and winked at me, teasing me to try her.

There was just one other young girl beside me. I saw her reach out and skip. When she stopped I made a grab. I skipped and voila all my fears melted. I was so thrilled that I could still skip quite well. My trainers at the gym were happy and cheering. That feel of stepping off a few inches off the ground is exciting. Immediately it was my school days that came to my mind. My friends and I would do skipping in groups. Those days the skipping rope was made of jute fibre and remained strong. We even had team events where popular songs (unfortunately I dont remember) would be sung out lustily.

The child in me awakened. I had held back. I chose not to now. I am going to use the rope again. Those few minutes gave me such joy.

Santoor maestro Pt.Shivkumar Sharma passes away

2022-05-10T07:00:00.008-07:00

A legend is no more. India mourns his death. I remember hearing his santoor music years ago when i was working as a teacher. We had to do a skit on water and his music was chosen as bgm. I am not a music buff and neither do I have a keen sense of music. I do enjoy music though. I remember being fascinated by the piece. I thus came to know about this genius. His calm demeanour and humility shone along with his music.

His music evoked the brilliance of Dal lake for me. I do not listen to music regularly nor can I call myself his fan. Panditji was there as a luminescent star as I went through my average life.

He is India's pride and his music will stay on forever.

Doctors- very good & awesome

2022-05-09T03:42:00.000-07:00

This week I had to visit two doctors. First I met my pulmonologist who works at a reputed hospital. I had chanced upon him a decade ago. He made my life breathe-easy with minimal prescription and diagnostic tests. He is young, courteous, soft spoken and a gold mine in pulmonology. He is very good.

The second doctor I visited is very senior in Ophthalmology. He has been my eye-doc since two decades. He is brilliant. He began his own clinic which has operating theatres as well. Yet he is not greedy. He continues to be courteous and very reassuring. This doctor continues one practice till date- he opens the door to let us out. I am so humbled by this gesture. He is AWESOME.

What happens when you refuse to grow...

2022-05-06T04:55:00.002-07:00

I was conversing with a family member on trivial matters. Interestingly on any given day, the most basic conversation ends up on a sour note for the other person. The characteristics of a person who refuses to have a growth mindset are :

I am always correct.

I am always not a bother.. I always sacrifice.

I have no desires.. ( when there is plenty within)

Nobody wants me...

nobody respects me..

I should not be alive.. one should not outlive one's spouse etc

my god I should not open my mouth hereafter as whatever I say is faulty

why this change (if the change is positive) now.. you never used to...

I, I, I ...

It is obviously always about 'I".

It is also fascinating to note how such people can view the most normal, ordinary situation or conversation in the utmost negative manner.. It is not enough that they view it so, they also have to tell it out.. It is after all about how the "I" felt.

One can detect jealousy, low esteem, bitterness, sarcasm and plenty of other negative emotions and thoughts. They thrive on comparing themselves or their situation with that of others.

Such persons enjoy the melodrama and manage to weave the whole drama about and around themselves.

They can never enjoy the present. They can never appreciate or be grateful for what they have.

This would reflect on their physical and mental well-being.

It is of course a CHOICE they make. `