King's Korner

A Hung Parliament Is Just A First World Problem

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 09:04:00 +0000

Take a deep breath Australia. A hung parliament, contrary to what the screaming headlines are telling you, isn’t the end of the world. We had the courage and patience to overcome this before and it will be done again. Look, I get it – your trepidation is understandable. A flooded road during rains is as far as we got towards a total breakdown in civilisation. In the context of things, Saturday’s results may appear a fit comparison to BREXIT or worse things like the Great Samoan upset of 2011. There is a reason why we are reacting like this. While we leisurely sip our filtered water, breathe in cleaner air than most of the world, watch our Super go up and chook prices go down, there may be a temptation to look at the prospect of a Prime Minister negotiating their way through the next legislative term as ‘totally apocalyptic’. You see, the problem lies in perspective. In a world where 30% of the population doesn’t even know what it’s like to own a toilet, Australians look at their politics and go, ‘crikey, why is God mercilessly punishing us like this’. What you are experiencing is a well-documented condition called ‘a first world problem’. It is a congenital condition that affects people who won the genetic lottery, but the good news is, you can cure yourself with periodic doses of facts, and plenty of perspective. Here’s a bit of both to help you get started.

No, Australia isn’t going to lose its coveted AAA credit rating just because the election doesn’t have clear results. That’s like saying watching footy games can make you lose a job. It’s possible that you are too much into footy and miss work regularly, which is why you lost your job. But it’s not watching the footy, but the ‘missing work’ clue that dunnit. A minority government doesn’t automatically downgrade ratings. Its bland fiscal policies and runaway spending that will cause the glint to fade off our gilt-edged bonds. If the rating agencies downgrade us next week, it’s probably because the conditions already exist, not because the indecisive election somehow brought about an overnight change of heart and turned a rosy AAA outlook into junk credit. Did you see how the stock markets reacted on the Monday after the election? They went up. So did the Aussie. Go figure!
No, Australia didn’t have a BREXIT moment. Australian elections and the BREXIT are apples and orang-utans - not even the same life form. Commentators and Bill Shorten use these analogies to get your attention, a bit like how teenage kids compare you to the worst thing that ever happened to them. Unless you are a convicted criminal of the worst kind, you know, they know and everybody knows that is just bollocks. BREXIT is a life changing event that unravelled a four decade old union. Australian elections come around every four years. Perspective, mate!
Our politics may be messy, but there are worse things happening elsewhere on the globe. No, I am not talking about the political wastelands of the third world or people without toilets. Look at the UK, for example. Do you even know who’s captaining that ship? And don’t get me started on Trump! Cory Bernardi and Peta Credlin may want to see Turnbull get Ned-Starked for not having won 5 or 6 seats more, but hey, he’s just 5 or 6 seats short. I’m no Turnbull fan, but it seems to me that everyone is wildly over-reacting to what is essentially a win. A small win, perhaps. But a win, nevertheless. When the AEC rolls up its sleeves and counts the last postal ballot thirteen days from now, you may even find that Turnbull squeaked through with a simple majority. That may ‘weaken his authority‘, and the scorned few may get their daggers out, but even that isn’t a disaster by any measure.

It’s amusing for me to see all this hyperbole in the media since Saturday. We are a country known for daredevilry and unbridled excitement. But with our lives so predictable and sanitised, we need that extra dose of induced excitement. Which explains the desire to go swimming in the ocean during a storm and journalists plotting international kidnapping. I see this hyperventilation in the media about the hung parliament as a similar attempt to induce excitement into an otherwise boring affair. So, let’s all close our eyes, breathe in and out a few times to relax because what is happening in Australia is plain vanilla compared to even the rest of the Anglosphere, barring Canada. Wait, does anything ever happen in Canada at all? Perhaps, there lies our problem. We just don’t want to be Canada!

India Ejects A Change Maker

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 21 Jun 2016 08:56:00 +0000

Bruce Munro, the disgraced former boss of Thiess, famously defended bribe-giving allegations against him by saying, ‘the culture and business in India is different, everybody in India lies to everybody (sic)’. While Indians in Australia like me were dutifully offended by that sweeping generalisation, I have to admit that he is partly right. India is a notoriously difficult country to navigate for business. Corruption is a way of life for bureaucrats and deception is a management philosophy. Such a system, just like the mafia, demands unquestioning obedience. After Raghuram Rajan, the straight shooting ‘rockstar’ chief of the Reserve Bank of India (RBI), announced last week that he won’t be seeking a second term, Munro’s words rang in my ears. Rajan fell victim to the same system that Munro was talking about.A former Chief Economist at IMF and famous for having predicted the meltdown in the US mortgage markets before the global financial crisis, Rajan has credentials that few central bankers in the developing world can boast of.

When he came to the job in 2013 with a reformer’s mindset, the suave and articulate Rajan became a darling of the press. Soon, a man with the boring job of a central banker had fan pages on Facebook. Within hours of taking over his job, he called a press conference to outline his actions to stabilise the fast depreciating Indian currency that everyone was worrying about. When he matched his celebrity with actions, he was seen as the new sheriff in town who meant business. In under three years since, he brought rapid change to the functioning of the central bank, reined in in the inflation and began the unenviable task of cleaning up public sector banks that concealed bad loans.

He also did something that Indian bureaucrats never do – he spoke his mind. After NaMo, as PM Narendra Modi is known, came to power in 2014 promising economic renaissance, Rajan was under constant pressure to deliver policies that complemented the Government’s ambitions. In a country of yes-men regulators who readily acquiesce, Rajan was an aberration. He declared that his first priority was to control the runaway inflation and not helping banks grow their loan portfolios. Economists cheered Rajan’s defiance while the common man saw merit in his arguments. The sheriff was also outspoken, condemning the growing intolerance in the country and cautioning against the Government’s exaggerated narrative on the economy. With corruption resurfacing and deception becoming an official policy, even the supporters of the ruling party saw Rajan as a voice of reason.

All that changed in May when Subramanian Swamy, an MP and senior leader of the ruling party, wrote two scathing letters to the Prime Minister that would have put Joe McCarthy to shame. Swamy, himself a Harvard educated economist, is notorious in Indian politics for his Nixonian dirty tricks. He accused Rajan of making a ‘wilful and deliberate attempt to wreck the economy’ and rehashed his favourite ‘CIA agent’ smear when he alleged Rajan was ‘mentally not fully Indian’. Taken aback, Rajan called himself a karma yogi - a man who believes in doing his duty despite obstacles. In spite of the Government’s muted reaction to the episode, media speculated that the whole episode was Swamy’s lone battle. Few foresaw what came next.

When Rajan announced that after ‘consulting with the Government’, he decided to not seek a second term, it became apparent that Swamy managed to shoot the sheriff. While the nation reeled from the announcement, one thing became apparent - it wasn’t Swamy’s war alone. In a revealing tweet within hours of Rajan’s announcement, Swamy congratulated NaMo for not bending to the pressures from foreign forces and for pushing out Rajan.

Rajan’s exit was neither voluntary nor due to his ‘monetary policy’ positions. His independence and belief in freedom of expression proved his undoing in a notorious system that NaMo seems to have only embraced despite his election promises. In the echo chambers of ruling party’s supporters, this was seen as a victory of nationalism and rejection of foreign values such as freedom of expression. It is clear the mud-slinging was orchestrated by the Government to dim Rajan’s star and assassinate his character before the ouster. In a pyrrhic victory, Rajan did not let the Government control the narrative and announced his departure in a public letter to RBI employees replete with hints about what had transpired.

While it may not have a huge impact on the economy in the long run, this episode only serves to remind the world that the oppressive system is still alive in India. Loss of credibility and reputation due to the way this was handled will hurt the country more than the benefits of rate cuts, which the ruling party accuses Rajan of withholding. It is difficult to imagine a political drama like this unfolding in the corridors of central banks in any major economy. Like Munro said, the culture and business in India are indeed different. Though it is preposterous to say that everybody lies to everybody, it appears that if you don’t lie with the Government, you don’t get a salary anymore. Rajan, having spent decades outside the country, seems to have missed the memo.

'It's your choice' I said and the man exercised it

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 22 Apr 2015 05:46:00 +0000

For the past few days, I've been walking in a playground nearby. It's a small municipal ground, completely barren. Kids from the nearby slums play there by the day and keep it mostly clean of garbage because that's their only ground. From the looks of it, the local gamblers and drunkards take over in the night, but every day I see that yesterday's bottles and cards have been cleared.

I also realised that lot of passing car drivers use the ground for urinating even though several warnings are painted on the walls. People urinate right below the warnings with impunity. It's not for a lack of choice though. You can't blame the government for it. There's a well maintained Sulabh complex just 50 mtrs from the ground.

At first I ignored the urinating men and walked around. Anybody who knows me, knows that I'm very cynical about my countrymen. I'm of the opinion that there's no hope for this shit hole. But people are urinating right below the boards and I couldn't stay away for too long. Today, I started telling people about the Sulabh down the road and requesting them to go there instead. People were mostly surprised when I stopped and asked them if they wanted to use the toilet. Most of them got embarrassed and walked away. Some argued a bit. "I've been urinating here every day!"is a common response. I told them about the kids who pick garbage every day and requested them to keep it clean. People obliged and it gave me hope.

I'm not a Swachh Bharat volunteer. I'm just a man who saw something wrong and decided to put aside my cynicism to tell people to do it right. While walking, I pondered about how people obliged readily and thought, well, they just need someone to tell them and most people will do the right thing.

It's not like nobody is telling them. The new government is making a lot of noise about cleanliness and toilets. There are Modi posters on the same wall talking about Swachh Bharat. There's a massive Sulabh toilet in the neighbourhood. Govt is building 15 million toilets in the country and movie stars are campaigning for the movement. Still, people need face-to-face convincing to move away from old habits. I was elated that I got involved for a brief moment.

Towards the end of my walk, I stopped a man with a look on his face like he wanted to take a leak. He protested like a few others. I kept him engaged with various arguments. He kept coming up with excuses to urinate there. 'I live in the neighbourhood', 'I do this every day', 'Sulabh is too far', 'I need to go urgently'. I kept countering him. He stood his ground. I finally put an end to it by raising the stakes. I told him, 'You look like a reasonable, educated man. I'll leave it to you to decide. I told you what I have to. It's up to you now. You do what you think is right' and I waked away.

He exercised his choice and urinated on the ground.

I'm not going to stop telling people about the Sulabh because of one man. But, I'll probably remain cynical.

Paper or Plastic?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 09:14:00 +0000

Being environment friendly is tough. Mostly because we humans still don't know what's good for the environment. Remember when we were children and there were no plastic bags? If you went to a shop without your own shopping bag, the shopkeeper packed your stuff in brown paper bags or ones made with newspaper. But those bags weren't reusable and often tore before you reached home.

Then came the plastic. It was hailed as a revolution because here was a product that's durable, reusable, tough and also 'environment friendly' - meaning you are not hurting the trees anymore for your paper bags.

Plastic became universally acceptable until they discovered that plastic contaminated food. It also clogs the rivers and seas, enters the food chain, is killing birds, animals and causing cancer in people. Environment friendly? Far from it. The last decade saw plastic being branded the biggest threat to our environment. Governments reacted by banning plastic bags but what's the alternative found by people?

You guessed it right. Paper. Recycled brown paper bags came back again and the elite flaunted them along with their Prada bags. You go to any upmarket deli or cafe and they pack stuff in paper bags. Because it is cool. And somehow, 'environment friendly' again. Of course, the spurt in paper demand means the trees took a hit. And trees aren't just standalone things. They prevent soil erosion, create mini ecosystems around them so cutting a tree is bad for the environment too. Which is why plastic got there in the first place.

Luckily, paper didn't catch up with everyone. People are slowly going back to the cloth bags now. It may be unfashionable to carry a stained yellow bag you got for free from a garment store in Madras, but for now that seems to be the lesser evil.

But what if you weren't carrying a cloth bag for once and had to buy something? And the shopkeeper gave you the option to choose between a plastic bag and a paper bag? That is not a hypothetical question by the way. It is a real dilemma you will face. What would you choose then?

Paper or plastic?

Cutting down a tree or adding to the already unmanageable garbage in the seas?

There is no right answer. If there is, I don't know it yet. I'd probably choose plastic because it is reusable and that means I can delay the destruction my choice is bound to unleash, no matter what I choose.

What would you do?

WhatsAAP with you?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 07 Feb 2015 06:45:00 +0000

Imam Bukhari's support perfectly summarises the inherent identity crisis of the AAP universe. It brings to the fore the key question I raised last year - what exactly does Aam Admi Party stand for?

Every constituency of AAP supporters views the party from its own prism of convenience and interprets the ideology as per its requirement.

The muslim right wing is now seeing the party as its current alternative to BJP. What they don't understand is Kejriwal is not an appeaser. Even if he wants to, he can never get into the give-and-take politics because that's his only differentiation. If he resorts to give-and-take, there won't be any difference between Kejriwal and Lalu Yadav.

The left wing activists see him as one of their own - a vehicle for revolution. But he already abandoned that path when he split with Hazare and took the plunge into politics, famously declaring that to bring real change he needs to go from andolan to prashasan.

The middle class armchair revolutionary sees him as an anti corruption crusader. The armchair guy somehow convinced himself that with AAP in power, everything will be exactly the same - the same economic opportunity, social mobility, his sedan and the iPhone and the glitzy hipster life - EXACTLY the same, except the corruption is now magically gone! I think the flaw in that prism is the most stark of all.

Lastly, the Aam Admi, who is the real claimant to the party sees it as a simpler solution to his problems. No money? Instead of breaking your head to figure out how to earn more income, just vote for the guy who'll subsidise your power and water bills. Yes, the low ticket corruption - the real give-and-take he is used to - will be gone.

He thinks he will now get to take, but need not give. But he will realise that it comes with a huge price. If you demand honesty from others, the least you can do is to become honest yourself. Let's start with the law that says 'no spitting'; then 'no-hawking without licence'; and then, no tampering with the weights; no ticket-less travel; no cutting through the queues; no priority in school admissions through corporator recommendations; no tax evasion; no loudspeakers at your son's wedding; no driving on the wrong side of the road; no helmet-less travel; no stopping beyond the stop line.

Yeah, no breaking the law at all! That's because you elected to deprive the system of its life blood. The system will stop working if its ill-gotten income isn't substituted with increased salary. And who will pay for the higher salaries to the police and the babus? Yes, you - the Aam Admi who got away with all the little cheeky rule-breaking that the system never really cared about. The system will start penalising you for all those transgressions. Like I said, if you demand honesty from the system, the system will want the same from you. Do you have it in you to face the music?

Mall, Love

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 26 Nov 2013 06:09:00 +0000

He is the shy kind - the type that has difficulty maintaining eye contact with girls. She is decidedly bolder and was unabashedly eyeing him while talking to an older man. He had but minutes before his friends arrived, but it will take years for him to gather the courage. She negated the need and started walking towards him.

Such grace, such poise!

An enchanting smile slowly broke on her lips and his heart started pounding like a steam engine. Each passing second seemed like an eternity to him as he stood watching her cross the Mall floor.

For a split second, a deep primal fear rose in his heart. Was she looking at someone else standing next to him? A rival, perhaps? In that split second, he was mentally prepared to be heartbroken, but also got ready to fight a fierce duel with the evil rival who is sure to mistreat the fairy. He quickly looked around to find that his fears were unfounded. There is no rival. She is his again!

Every angelic movement of hers heightened his fluster. When she batted her mascara heavy eyelids, he filled his lungs with awe and held his breath. When she brushed away stray hair from her brow, he almost lost consciousness!

After what seemed like forever, she stood in front of him with an ever growing pearly smile. A smile that betrayed an unknown familiarity. Familiarity, that transcended mere trifles like life and death. He could have grabbed her in both arms and fought the world in that moment.

Only he was too tongue tied to say even a word. There he stood, without an expression or word while the girl of his dreams, the ordained one, his soul mate stood in front of him. But, like we said before, she was the bolder one. She fished a stack of cards from her stylish skirt pocket and held it up to him.

'Sir, lucky draw? You can win a holiday for two nights - three days,' she said in a voice gone hoarse from asking a hundred people already.

In an instant, his friends arrived at the entrance and he walked away hurriedly without saying a word.

Press 1 to choose Stability. Press 2 to choose Liberty

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 04 Jul 2013 07:20:00 +0000

A democratically elected Government quickly fell out of favor with its citizens and the restlessness of the people was exploited by an Army chief who usurped power, declared a road map to democracy and promised to set right the ills plaguing the country.

Egypt in 2013? No. Pakistan circa.1999.

The intelligentsia and the vocal urban voter celebrated with great joy when decisive action was taken against Nawaz Sharif and the Army came in to save the day once again. The US played along happily, because in spite of all the preaching and lecturing, US prefers stability over liberty for its allies, whether in Middle East or Latin America.

More than a decade later, Nawaz Sharif is back in power and Musharraf is in prison. The fickle public realized that a man with a gun is as corrupt in mind as the man with a mandate. At least, the politician is not trained to kill! The people aren't complaining for now, nor is the US.

The situation in Cairo is eerily similar to the one we saw in Pakistan 14 years ago. I hope Sisi doesn't do a Musharraf because the world is always just a bomb blast away from another war, and a military government in Cairo is always convenient for the NATO, the US, Russia, France, anybody who wants to go to war.

I stayed awake late last night, watching the pictures, the tweets and the reports filed in by The Guardian. And I wondered to myself, "Is this what the Arab spring has finally come to?" The Egyptians had an unenviable choice to make. Do you choose to empower the Army to remove democratically elected governments at will? Or do you live with an unpopular government until the next elections.

In their desperation to oust Morsi, they have chosen the dangerous path of relying on guns. How it will fare, only future can tell. Call me cynical, but I don't think it was a wise choice. I believe that the military should never be allowed to judge democratically elected governments. It should always be the other way.

BMC Bans Sex With Immediate Effect

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 28 May 2013 08:26:00 +0000

To prevent sex crimes and other forms of indecent behavior in Mumbai, the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC) has issued a circular today banning all forms of sex with immediate effect. This follows their move to ban lingerie-wearing mannequins yesterday.

After careful introspection and responding to the wild public reaction to the mannequin ban, the BMC has today decided to put an end to sex crimes once for all by addressing the root causes directly, instead of beating around the bu.... er... we mean, beating around the shrubbery.

Releasing a statement to the press, Sunil Prabhu, the Mayor of Mumbai said, "See, there are just two root causes of sex crimes. One is 'crime'. The other is 'sex'. 'Crime' is already banned by law, and the Central Government and the State Government led by the Congress Party have totally failed in implementing that ban. So, we at BMC have decided to ban the other root cause and put a stop to this plague hurting our society in Mumbai. Oh, by the way, let me add this statutory declaration mandated by a BMC circular: The immigrants from UP and Bihar are to blame for any past, present or future untoward incident in Mumbai, whether or not connected to this announcement."

Legal experts say that the wording of the circular implies that even legitimate marital intercourse is illegal henceforth, which may be unconstitutional. However, the BMC countered by saying that all kinds of intercourse is British legacy in India and therefore deserves to be chucked out of the Constitution. BMC has plans to launch a 'Kunti Shishu Dan" scheme for couples to conceive henceforth.

While most senior citizens have hailed the move as 'progressive', the younger generation is too baffled to respond. There is expected to be a high-tension, no-holds barred debate about this on Times Now tonight, with at least 16 windows populated by 15 high-decibel human beings and Suhel Seth.

Dubai Man Thinks Burj Khalifa is Giving Him the Finger

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 24 May 2013 07:37:00 +0000

A man from Dubai has issued a written statement on his blog that the Burj Khalifa severely offended him, sources report. An Indian origin writer based in Dubai, who wished to remain anonymous only for the purpose of this news report, has enraged scores of Dubai-ites by reporting that Burj Khalifa showed him the dreaded 'middle finger' which is an offensive gesture used by people across the world.

"Burj Khalifa showed me
the finger"

Blogging about how the incident precipitated, Devan aka Raaj, the anonymous writer, wrote that he "does not always get shagged" and the "(desire) dies before you even wake up". Further, he wrote "This time I thought I'll use the 'fantasy' method", and "Burj Khalifa passed the fantasy test". As per his version, he sat at a distance from the Burj and indulged in his fantasy during a moonlit night recently.

Sources opined that the fantasy appears quite strange. An expert we spoke to later, however, felt that this wasn't unusual. He said that phallic symbols like tall buildings always triggered fantasy.

The anonymous writer sat admiring the Burj Khalifa, which he lovingly referred to as the 'black and white beauty' and was reportedly happy with his progress. "I thought the foreplay was fine and it is a good start", he wrote, no doubt unaware that public lewd acts in Dubai are a strict no-no. We are not sure what kind of foreplay he indulged in.

Further in the blog, the writer appeared to lament that he could never get close to Burj Khalifa and did not yet get any 'views from the top'. At this juncture things apparently came to a dead end which he metaphorically described as "the battery of my laptop....(gave) up on me". The events after this were not clear to us, but the Burj Khalifa appeared to have been thoroughly provoked by this time and the anonymous writer aka Devan aka Raaj was shocked to see the finger. "Burj this time looked as if it was showing the middle finger to me", he wrote.

He described the situation as "lame ass" later. Authorities are investigating.

"I mean, really!" said another expert after learning about this incident.

Builder launches the 'best fucking township' of all time

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 24 May 2013 02:30:00 +0000

Renowned builders, Sona Chandi Constructions, announced a devastatingly brilliant housing project in New Bandra (formerly, Boisar) with such great amenities that the township is now being termed as 'the best fucking thing ever' in Indian housing industry.

Sona Chandi issued full page advertisements in all leading newspapers announcing the project, foundation stone of which will be laid down by the Chief Minister later this month. Ajay Savnani, a spokesperson of the company said, "This is the most brilliant project in the most premium locality of Upper Bandra, which is but a few minutes drive away from Mount Mary's church in Lower Bandra. I guarantee, you'll faint if you see the list of amenities we are offering!"

Sources have confirmed that the township will have path-breaking amenities like ample parking space, children's play area, an asbestos sheet compound wall with a metal gate, a wooden stool for the security guy at the gate and many more such uncommon amenities. The construction activity will also feature a lot of overseas talent, such as Bangladeshi laborers with uncertain immigration status.

As an inaugural limited period offer, the builder is selling the housing units for just Rs.27,000 per sft.

Coconut Fibre is the new miracle drug

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 23 May 2013 08:33:00 +0000

Research shows that Coconut Fibre (Coir) is the new Aloe Vera. It is known to have a lot of properties that people were hoping Aloe Vera also has, but were disappointed later. There is even a possibility that coir has all the benefits that 'oil-pulling' was supposed to have, and there is increasing evidence that coir is 'the one', that will save humanity from the Matrix.

An expert who wished to remain anonymous said, "If you are one of those who fall for miracle cures on Facebook, like 'Sitaphal cures syphilis' and 'Banana cures bad breath', you probably need to eat a lot of soaked coconut fiber on empty stomach daily to cure your intelligence-deficiency. Add a bit of salt if you want, but never sugar! Sugar makes coir taste sweet."

Check out the picture and see how people can transform themselves using coir.

Watch this space for more!

Manmohan demands answers from the Chinese PM

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 20 May 2013 12:22:00 +0000

An international crisis has nearly materialized this afternoon, allegedly because the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh angrily demanded answers from the visiting Chinese PM, Li Keqiang about the recent events involving Chinese policies. Singh was referring to the poor quality controls on goods made in China, and showed a broken mobile phone handset that he had bought from Palika Bazaar last September. Media had widely reported last year that a brand new fake iPhone bought by Singh went up in smoke, mid-way through a phone conversation he was having with the Bengal CM, Mamata Banerjee. Readers would also recall that it was the abrupt end to the conversation that provoked Banerjee to withdraw her party's support to UPA.

Keqiang denying responsibility

On Keqing's part, even though he had every reason to be upset at the hostile treatment, the recently-elected Chinese PM recovered his composure quickly in the interests of Brand China and politely directed Singh to call their Call Center for further assistance, giving a toll-free 1-800 number and promising that a single call will solve all the problems.

PMO's spokesperson, Parag Shastri said, "It's not news that we Indians are angry about the recent incident involving China and its policies. China had no business to intentionally provoke a military conflict by selling a faulty fake iPhone to the Indian PM. The phone has seriously damaged the PM's abilities to survive a full term and also his reasoning abilities since then. Sure, the Chinese are denying responsibility saying it was a localized issue involving a few factory workers in Aksai Chin. But for Indians, this is a matter of serious impact, and no peace is possible unless the phone is replaced under warranty."

Inside sources tell us that after being on call-wait for three hours, Singh finally got through to a Service officer on the 1-800 number given by Keqiang. It is reliably learnt that the Service officer turned out to be Singh's own car driver who was part-timing for a Noida-based Call Center which handles complaints for most Chinese manufacturers.

Update: In an unrelated event, the Chinese today issued a new map of Asia, which showed a large part of Delhi as a Chinese territory, calling it West Beijing, producing pictures of a large number of road-side Chinese food stalls as proof.

Gay Indians 'seriously pissed off' with LBT in Mumbai

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 20 May 2013 10:17:00 +0000

The male homosexual community in India is 'seriously pissed off' about being left out of the LBT introduced by BMC and rallied yesterday on Carter Road, Bandra to express their anger with the authorities. A somewhat modest number of eight gay citizens attended the rally in everyday clothes, which raised several eyebrows in the city.

Pradip Panhale, the President of Gays of India (GoI), spoke to us on the sidelines of the rally and said, "This pattern of blatant discrimination has now become a permanent feature with this Government. The Chief Minister should explain why only the 'G' community in 'LGBT' has remained untouchable to the Municipal authorities of Mumbai. Why just LBT? Why not LGBT?? I mean, you want Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgenders in your new schemes, but you don't want the Gays to be a part of anything?? This is fucking disgusting!"

An unrelated photo of gay men.
(Just for kicks)

The Deputy President of GoI, Dr. Rajesh Pillai added, "After the Delhi High Court's order on Section 377, we thought our troubles were over. But, the Gay community is still treated like a pariah, and the latest example of that is LBT! We are seriously pissed off at this and need clear answers from the Government today."

The rally didn't attract much attendance from the affected community, and the passing public too paid hardly any notice until the news spread that it was a rally by the gay community. Rakesh Shah, a retiree and regular walker along the Carter Road promenade was visibly angry with the protesters for dressing like normal people. Speaking to this correspondent, he said, "This cannot be allowed in a high class locality like Bandra. I mean, these guys look normal and talk normally. How is that possible? We all see in movies how gay people talk like women and dress like Bobby Darling. If they also behave and live normally, how can we find out who is gay and deny them rental space?" Several angry locals gathered against the rally after this and threatened to disrupt the peace of a sultry Sunday evening by the sea side.

Luckily, the local Corporator, Talwar Singh, happened to be in the Joggers Park nearby and came down to check out on the commotion. His timely intervention dispersed the GoI rally and everybody went home peacefully. We believe his exact words to the protesters were, 'The LBT is actually a type of tax. Initially the BMC included gays also and called it LGBT, but I protested and got you all a tax exemption. But if you want to be included....", at which point, Dr. Rajesh Pillai intervened and declared that their protest has ended peacefully. Talwar Singh was later seen making a passionate case for the gay vote bank with the GoI leadership.

Israel and Iran form an alliance to stop Obama

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 17 May 2013 18:59:00 +0000

Binyamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, just finished addressing a dramatic joint press conference that announced an alliance to stop Obama from infecting the middle eastern region with his bad luck. It will be an understatement to say that the alliance was least expected at this point of time. Due to constraints of time and distance, a stressed looking Netanyahu and a sleepy Ahmadinejad appeared through a video conference link to address the press.

The alliance seems to be a direct fallout of CIA chief John Brennan's unannounced visit to Israel. Explaining the reasons behind this mind-numbing decision to ally with his archenemy, Mr.Netanyahu said, "This morning, I was severely concerned to know that Obama was interested in the middle east again and wants to resolve the Syria situation. Obama is just bad luck. See how his second term is marred with ill luck on issues like Benghazi, IRS, AP etc. Even no-brainers like gun control are blocked just because Obama is involved in them. I think this man is just a bad omen, like Friday the 13th. For me it was a clear red line. The only way to stop this catastrophe from jeopardizing Israel's future is to find peace urgently and resolve all our outstanding issues before Obama gets a chance to spoil them forever. Hence, I woke up Mr.Ahmadinejad from his afternoon siesta and offered the olive branch to him."

Ahmadinejad didn't have much to say throughout the conference except an occasional reminder to Netanyahu to send the promised olive branch as soon as possible for keepsakes. When asked a direct question about the implications of the alliance for Iran, he said, "I support Mr.Netanyahu, of course. I hope he visits Iran soon. We'd really like to have him over here. We won't do any harm to him. Just come here once. Just once. Ok? Trust me, you'll be totally safe. Bring your Army chief along."

Netanyahu could be heard instructing his staff to contact the Hamas, Hezbollah and the Lebanese Government immediately after the press conference. Speculation was rife that Bashar Al-Assad and the Syrian rebels were next on his calling list.

Reacting to Netanyahu's efforts to resolve all the outstanding middle eastern conflicts within 24 hours, the White House spokesperson Jay Carney began defending Obama's record before being interrupted by breaking news that a bucketful of paint fell on the First Lady, Michelle Obama. She was reportedly livid with herself for seeing the President's face first thing today morning, and requested Christine O'Donnell for a voodoo cleansing ritual at the White House immediately.

Tendulkar breaks yet another record - 28,998 groin flexes in 1,611 matches!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 17 May 2013 12:42:00 +0000

Wild celebrations broke out in the streets of Mumbai when the BCCI declared today that Sachin Tendulkar is now the official record holder for the most number of groin flexes in all forms of cricket.

BCCI spokesperson Jagdish Pawar declared at a hurriedly convened press conference that the veteran batsman has now surpassed an earlier record set by former Haryana cricketer Harvinder Singh. Tendulkar achieved this feat on 13th May 2013 while playing against the Sunrisers in IPL 6.

Sachin, scolding the photographer
for clicking his photos

The master blaster, who has played 1611 matches so far in international, domestic and county formats, has reportedly flexed his groin for a staggering 28,998 times since his mercurial first class debut in the 1988/89 season. The previous record holder Harvinder Singh played just 31 first class matches spanning just two seasons in 1978-79 in his entire career, but was known to be suffering from bad case of shingles which enabled him to set the record in a short period of time. Given the extreme hygiene standards of modern cricket, and the advances of modern medicine, cricket fans were sure that Harvinder's record was never going to be broken, until Sachin came along and proved them wrong.

Speaking to the press, Mr.Pawar congratulated the Mumbai Indians batsman and said, "We just got a call from the ICC about this record. Unfortunately, due to a technical glitch, this record went unnoticed until the spotfixing episode came to light. ICC and BCCI were routinely searching for interesting news since the cricket fans were bored with the spotfixing scandal already and discovered that this matter of global importance went unannounced. Hence this urgent press conference."

Tendulkar, who was practicing in the nets for Mumbai Indians' next match with Punjab on May 18th, was half way through yet another glorious groin flex when someone whispered this news to him in the ear. Immediately, he was seen leaving the nets red faced, no doubt with tremendous excitement and probably wanting to celebrate the new record with his family.

Mr.Harvinder Singh, who could never marry due to his condition, said, "I'm glad it was Sachin who broke my record because whenever I saw him flex his groin and reach down to adjust his you-know-what, it always reminded me of my best days. I think, among all the cricketers, Sachin is the one who resembles me the closest."

Speaking later on phone to this correspondent, the BCCI President N Srinivasan excitedly declared, "We all know that Sachin was universally regarded as the God of Cricket until about 2011 after which his divinity is somewhat diminished due to his refusal to retire gracefully. However, I reiterate that it is a matter of enormous pride to the Board and all Indians that he can now be called the Guard of Cricket because of this record". Upon further questioning, he explained, "'Guard' because, you know, the groin flex is aimed to adjust the guard he is wearing. A 'guard' is you know, that little plastic cap a batsman wears to, you know, protect his 'box'. What is a 'box'? Box, you don't know? The crown jewels? The.. the... Wait I'm getting another call. I'll call you back please. Thank you!" We are yet to hear back from him at the time of going to press. We promise to explain what a box is, as soon as we hear from Mr.Srinivasan.

Update: Arvind Kejriwal, the supremo of AAP, meanwhile issued a statement that this was just a diversionary tactic by the BCCI to put the spotfixing scandal out of the news cycle. No one but this correspondent attended that press conference.

South Indian spelling dooms Sreesanth

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 16 May 2013 11:41:00 +0000

After careful analysis, several twitter users have determined that it is the South Indian style of spelling Sreesanth's name that led to his doom. Avid Tweeter, and 91 year old, Harshad Joshi (@HJ91) tweeted this today:

Harshad, (pronounced as Harsh as in 'harsh', ad as in 'bad'), explained that this particular tendency afflicts all South Indians and makes them spot fixers by birth. When asked how spelling can cause character faults in an entire race of humans called 'South Indians', he replied:

He couldn't immediately explain why Ajit Chandila and Ankeet Chavan also got caught in the same scandal, inspite of having normal, totally acceptable spellings for their names. And also blocked this correspondent from his Twitter for asking questions. But that's another story.

Sreesanth sides with Capitalism, even though he is from Kerala

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 16 May 2013 06:09:00 +0000

Communists from the left-leaning state of Kerala were caught off guard to know that their poster boy Santhakumaran Sreesanth has revolted against Malayali values and fully embraced free market capitalism. In a surprise development, the Marine Drive Police announced last night that Sreesanth has joined the likes of Dhirubhai Ambani and Vijay Mallya by making his cricketing performance available in the market for the highest bidder.

Sreesanth addressing the Press

In response to the news, Sreesanth released a statement that read, 'Cricket should be liberated from the chains of the Victorian laws of the 18th century. If team owners can bid for making me a part of their team, the bookies should also be allowed to bid for my performance on each ball. The highest bidder gets to tell me how to bowl, because that's the only way free market works - demand and supply. I hope more people join me in the revolution, and we will finally be free from the Government and the moth-eaten morality of old people like Dravid, Laxman and Gilchrist.'

Chandila and Chavan, two lowly underlings who joined Sreesanth in his revolt issued a joint statement - 'Even the guy who sells nimbu-mirchi at traffic signals in Mumbai makes more money than us. Anyway, this business is in the name of our respective mothers. We even gave the receipts with their signatures and PAN numbers. If you want, go check with them.'

Chavan called this correspondent 6-7 times before we finally returned his call. He was desperate to get this quote published since nobody in the team knows he exists. His quote: 'I also need fair compensation for my talents. If Shilpa Shetty agrees to give me a season pass on local trains in Mumbai, I may consider withdrawing from the revolt. (sic)'

Later in the night, the Police arrested all the three for running a business in Mumbai without Shop and Establishment certificate and refusing to pay LBT. Sreesanth was seen wearing a T-shirt that said 'Ayn Rand Rules' at the time of the arrest.

Reacting to the swift developments, old guard Sachin Tendulkar said, 'Only I can decide when to retire from cricket. I'll try to do my job and you do yours. By the way, for my comfort on cricket field, I use Rocket brand vests and briefs. Now, you go get it.'

Nawaz Not-So Sharif and amnesia of democracies

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 13 May 2013 06:22:00 +0000

It seems like yesterday when the Pakistani public, intelligentsia and international partners, basically a majority of the stakeholders in Pakistan, heaved a loud sigh of relief when Musharraf kicked Sharif miyan in the bollocks and seized power. Nawaz Sharif and his brother were reviled by all quarters for the culture of corruption, blatant power grab and attempts to undermine the other institutions of government. If it were not for the US' involvement in Pakistan, the Sharifs would have been shaheed by now. Yet, we read news this week that Nawaz Sharif is welcomed with open arms by Pakistanis and been given the reins of power again. Strangely, the world seems to be celebrating this momentous occasion.

What changed? There are several reports and opinions by analysts that Nawaz Sharif is a changed man and people are rewarding him for that change in him. What crap! No corrupt politician ever changes for good. The only thing that changed is, people are now tired of Zardari and his band of brothers playing musical chairs with the Prime Minister's post. The people looked around, and found a lesser evil lurking in the vicinity. Of course, there was Imran Khan too, but he was never a serious candidate. I mean, he is progressive and determined to bring a change. Who wants to elect a guy like that? The sheep never want change. They just want to nibble at the grass quietly, and wait for the their day of slaughter.

In electing Sharif back to power, the Pakistani electorate emulated other democracies across the world including the US, the UK, India, France etc. They stubbornly defied a third party's efforts to rise above the sludge and provide an alternative to the corruption genetically embedded into the major parties. They chose to go with the tried and tested instead of the relatively unknown. 'Ah, known devil', you can hear them murmur satisfactorily. 'Lesser evil', India said gladly. It still needs to be seen how Kayani reacts to this development. But he probably knew this was going to happen anyway. He must have kept aside a few nukes for the rainy day.

Here's what the choices looked like for Pakistanis in these elections:

Vote for one of the following:

1. Asif Two-Per-Cent Zardari
2. Nawaz not-so Sharif
3. Imran Khan, the wannabe
4. Total reversal in mental evolution, and going back to the dark ages

The electorate, as it appears, chose the option 4. Democracy, unfortunately, gives immense power to the lesser minds. When you have a right to choose, you ultimately deserve what you choose.

Study finds that sunlight is key to Car Sales

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 07 May 2013 11:13:00 +0000

Suddenly, the Automobile industry is the barometer for the health of our economy. Business TV channels and nerdy Chartered Accountancy students no longer consider the stock market indices with semi-pornographic names like 'Bombay Sensex' as the indicators of economic progress in the country.

Stock markets are at all time high levels, but there's talk of
recession in the air!

Everybody knows the country's economy is sinking because no one is getting increments this year, even though every company, including that Jap company Maruti Suzuki which had a lockout for a whole month, made record profits this year. Employees have the unique opportunity to celebrate the tremendous financial success of their companies, while working 40 hours a week extra to keep their jobs in a company that's barely surviving this terrible downturn, all at the same time! It all comes down to automobile sales. The verdict is out now, and India is sinking fast, slowly waving its diamond and gold studded hand like a tragic clown in a Raj-Kapoorian tragedy.

I got all this insight from a 'research report' by some enthusiastic analysts who, through some clever statistical trickery and excel charts, found that the automobile sales in the country seemed to have a 'strong correlation' with Sensex. After reading that, I laid down arms and surrendered to enemy forces because the Zenoian paradox this presented. Here are the facts:

Fact 1: Stock markets are soaring and are touching nearly the all time highs that they saw in late 2010, feeding on news of record profits and excellent prospects ahead.
Fact 2: Automobile sales are falling like old men crossing the street in 'Road Rage' video game. (Remember Road Rage? No? God, I must be getting really old!) Auto sales have shown a year-on-year decline for several months and it is a clear indication that there are bad days ahead.
Fact 3: Our genius research agency finds that there's a strong 'positive' correlation between stock markets and the automobile sales.

After the initial onset of bafflement-induced coma, I decided to find a solution to this paradox so that Zeno can rest in peace. In my search for the solution, I stumbled upon a purely random set of data on http://www.india.climatemps.com/ that cleared the fog and opened my eyes. Here it is:

Average Sunlight hours/day in India by month

I didn't cook up these numbers folks. You can go and check out the link I gave above. This data is real! And it so happens, that this trend also has a strong correlation with the car sales in the country. Such a strong correlation that the trend lines look totally in love and almost inseparable! And in that, lies our solution, my friends!

Car Sales and Average Sunlight lines look like they want
to have Sensex right now!

The sunshine hours per day, apparently, exclude when we have a cloud cover in June and July and all those stupid monsoon months. So, here's how we can save the economy:

1. If we somehow manage to have a bad monsoon, by divine intervention or nuclear action, we can have more sunshine per day

2. Also, if we banish a few states in the North where the winter nights are longer, like Jammu and Kashmir, Uttarakhand, Punjab, Haryana and Uttar Pradesh, we can have more sunshine. Actually, in Haryana and Uttar Pradesh's case, there's more than one reason to banish them. The very fact that they are no longer in our Union will bring more sunshine in our lives!

3. Alternatively, if we somehow persuade Sri Lanka to join India, in spite of the free nuclear reactors they are getting from China, there can be some hope.

4. Since there is at least one instance of Sun God making an unseasonable appearance to impregnate Kunti, some of our enterprising movie actresses may give it a try in the larger national interests

All in all, my analysis proves that there is an urgent need to increase average sunlight per day in India. Otherwise, our economy is doomed and all of us will have to protest outside the F1 circuit like the Kingfisher employees!

APRJC Nagarjuna Sagar '94-'96 batch, Humanities

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:31:00 +0000

This happened a few years ago, but here's a image for future memories.

The APRJC Humanities Reunion in 2009

(I'm that youngest looking guy in shorts)

L to R: Satyanarayana, Vamsi krishna, Nirmal Kumar, Rajasekhar, Krishna Kishore (self), Sravana Kumar, Venkata Ramana, Pavan, Santosh

Creation as per Manu Smriti

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 11:56:00 +0000

The subject and the situation compelled me to blog after a long time. Lately, I started reading the much maligned Manu Smriti - the laws of Manu - that governed the social conduct of ancient Hindus. Manu Smriti, recited by Vaivasvata Manu and his descendant Bhrigu, is famous or should I say, notorious, for first encoding the caste system that continues to be a significant part of the Indian society and is the favorite punching bag for the rationalists, the discriminated and the illuminati. While I have no opinion about casteism at this moment, (Edit: I have since formed strong anti-caste opinions) I found Manu Smriti to be very revealing about 'creation' as per Hinduism, which is just an interesting side effect.

Being an avid fan of liberalism, particularly the American version of it, I really never cared for 'creationism', the Christian way or the Hindu way or any other religion's way. While I find the Biblical creationism to be highly creative, my impression of Hindu Creationism too is not a really favorable one. I mean, there's not much clarity in Hindu texts about creation, really. Overzealous religious wonks will always tell you that you are not qualified to ask that question. Thankfully, Rig Veda, the oldest Hindu text leaves it open for you to figure out.

Who really knows, and who can swear,
How creation came, when or where!
Even gods came after creation’s day,
Who really knows, who can truly say
When and how did creation start?
Did He do it? Or did He not?
Only He, up there, knows, maybe;
Or perhaps, not even He.

— Rig Veda 10.129.1-7

And then one gets to hear the story of the supreme creator Brahma being born in a lotus hanging from Vishnu's belly button, raising serious questions about divine hygiene, among other things. Which is why, after they teach you Charles Darwin's Evolution theory in school, pretty much every Hindu moves on to Darwinism and relegates the Brahma story to the children's section. An estimated 77% Hindus unconditionally believe in Darwin's theory of evolution as per studies. The balance, I'm sure, need some elementary schooling.

Creationism in Hinduism isn't a popular concept too. It is not a debated topic at all. Just the subject of idle intellectualisation, such as this blog. It also doesn't help that there are multiple scriptures in Hindusim and each explains Creation with varying detail and sometimes with conflicting interpretation. There's an excellent Wiki article that explains the conflict.

Manu Smriti, the leading authority on Hindu social laws, has some clarity about Creation, and I found it most appealing of all. I'm summarizing what Vaivasvata Manu says about Creation here because I found it to be interesting, and somewhat reconcilable to the evolution theory and the Big Bang. (I'm not well-versed with Sanskrit, so I had to rely on a translation of Manu Smriti by M G Hariharan.)

As with most Hindu texts, Manu says that Universe evolved from nothing. There was nothing before creation, not even God. Some Hindu texts differ on this aspect, but most conform. Rig Veda, as mentioned above, has no theory about it at all. When Manu says nothing, he means literally nothing.

"...unperceived, destitute of distinctive marks, unattainable by reasoning, unknowable, wholly immersed, as it were, in deep sleep...."

And from that 'unperceivable state of nothing', all of a sudden, emerged the 'Swambhu' (the self-creating God) with an irresistible power, creating the great elements with its emergence while quickly occupying / dispelling the 'nothingness'. The 'great elements' are the Earth (mass in solid state), Water (liquid state), Air (gaseous state), Fire (energy, a property of mass) and Vacuum (absence of mass).

Does this remind you of the Big Bang theory yet? Although the Big Bang does not and can not explain the initial state - 'what existed before the Big Bang' - the idea that there was nothing, and a self-initiating sequence led to creation isn't in conflict with that theory. For instance, the theory of particle-antiparticle can explain the state of nothingness evolving into what it is today.

Manu then proceeds to explain the creation of life. He says that the God shone forth with self-illumination. Again, my mind can't help associating this with the Big Bang. God then proceeded to create waters to place his seed in it to form a brightly lit golden egg. Brahma is said to have resided in the egg for an year (1 Brahma day/night cycle equals 864,000 human years. So 1 Brahma year = 315.36 million human years) At last, on his own Brahma, the progenitor of the universe, emerged from the egg. This is a significant observation in my opinion. A single cell that gave birth to the Universe as it exists, aided by God or not, is not an observation science would want to dismiss as 'hocus pocus'. The 'single egg in water' as the source of life conforms to Darwin's theory of evolution that life originated from single cell organisms in water.. A different interpretation can be that the egg represents the primeval atom that matter consisted of in the initial phases of Big Bang.

Manu smriti also mentions six minute particles of matter that embed themselves into the consciousness of God to form bodies (matter). This concept, again, can be reconciled to the presence of elementary particles of matter, though the number differs from what science believes today.

After this, Manu smriti launches into Creation schedule headlong, describing how God then proceeded to create the more specific features of the world, like the oceans and the trees etc., along with emotions associated with consciousness. He also created the class of deities that goven action in universe. He also drew forth the Vedas from fire, water and Sun.

It is interesting to note that in Hinduism, all creations of emotions are made in pairs. That is, cancelling emotions - such as pain and pleasure, merit and demerit. This is again, in conformity with the nature of the Universe. Particle and anti-particle, matter and anti-matter, galaxies and the blackholes etc.

The most significant part of the Hindu creationist theory is the division of Brahma into male and female. Though this aspect is given but a scant mention, this forms the base for creation. Just like the pairs of opposites created by the God, He Himself is a composite of the opposite genders - male and female - which He proceeds to reveal to aid Creation. Applying this to the Darwinist theory, binary fission of the single cell organism is the most likely explanation to evolution. Though gender evolved much later in the evolution chain, as per Darwin, the basic principle of a common single-cell ancestor is widely accepted. Creation as per Manu smriti can be interpreted to have strains of similar theory, though not necessarily the same.

The two gender halves of Brahma procreate to produce Viraj, the supreme being who then creates Manu using tapas. Manu is the offspring of Brahma, as per Manu smriti, and is the progenitor of the whole human species. From this point on, Manu smriti differs wildly from the theory of Evolution. Manu smriti talks of all species as evolved beings created in their current form and shape, which as we know now, isn't just true. Manu smriti moves on to other topics quickly from here on, but whatever brief mention to Creation was given, I found things to be interesting enough to stop and ponder.

Frankly speaking, there is no evidence of smiliarity between Manu smriti and the Darwinist theory of evolution except the interpretative opinion about the single cell common ancestor. But hey, it can't be ruled out that this is a valid interpretation and there is a possibility that Manu employed metaphor to speculate about both the Big Bang and Evolution in as few words as possible. Within whatever I read, I found that this theory of creation is much closer to the scientific explanation than any other theory put forward by major religions.

May be it warrants closer inspection and debate?

You can read the entire translated Manu smriti here.

K C Chakrabarty should find 'some other place' too

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 11:37:00 +0000

If the Chairman of India's largest bank is not allowed to debate with the overlords of RBI without getting publicly humiliated, how can a minnow NBFC from Kerala dare to raise its voice against irrational regulation? Last week, the incredulous skirmish between RBI and SBI reminded Indian bankers of the dark days of the past century. K. C. Chakrabarty, the loose mouthed Deputy Governor of RBI, asked the Chairman of SBI Pratip K Chaudhari to find 'some other place' for making a perfectly reasonable suggestion about the Cash Reserve Ratio. Chakrabarty clearly does not believe in free speech and respectful debate. Instead, he disrespectfully dismissed views that he himself supported in the past and managed to deal yet another blow to morale of the lenders in the country.

Pratip Chaudhary, in his first major action in current office, rolled back his predecessor's attempts to persist with hybrid mortgage loans in defiance of RBI's diktat. Chaudhari candidly reasoned then, that he didn't want to be on a 'collision course' with RBI. Evidently, it doesn't take RBI too long to find alternative paths to collide with bankers in spite of the latter's reluctance.

The latest incident reveals how job creators in the country are persistently snubbed by the regulators like Chakrabarty, who have little stakes in the success or failure of the economy. Such pseudo-bureaucrats are still living in a Nehruvian era, where the relationship between regulator and industry is that of a master-servant. In fact, Chakrabarty regularly uses language such as 'the supervised and the supervisor', revealing his intentions to lord over the bank Chairmen he is 'supervising'. In his attempts to rub his imagined intellectual and hierarchical superiority on the 'supervised', the Deputy Governor is irreparably hurting the economy by thwarting credit growth and job creation.

Not one to shy away from providing yet another belligerent sound byte to the cameras, Chakrabarty has just in the past few weeks cautioned commercial banks against lending to the critical infrastructure sector, declared boldly that it is not RBI's job to help banks reach their priority sector lending targets and gave a ridiculous call for a 'socio-cultural revolution' in the country to reduce gold buying. The tragedy of the whole thing is, each of his statements is causing panic in job-creating sectors, dealing blows to an edgy economy with little credit flow and support from the Government. Only a delusional being from another planet would criticise the growth of infrastructure credit even in a developed country, leave alone an under-resourced country like India.

Chakrabarty's hard line posturing against his favourite topic - gold and the gold loan NBFCs - has already caused the RBI to issue irrational regulations, denying a large amount of credit to small business owners and farmers. He doesn't hide his contempt for a sector which supplies more than Rs.25,000 crores of small ticket secured credit to people with no access to bank finance. Most borrowers use the proceeds of this instant form of credit for temporary working capital in their business or agriculture, pawning their precious possessions for short term. RBI's aggressive regulation of NBFCs in this sector is hurting a lot of small borrowers.

The rapid expansion of gold loan industry also created thousands of jobs in a stagnant market and created a cascading job-creating effect, boosting local economies. RBI has already thwarted this growth by over-regulating the organized lenders, indirectly boosting the usurious practices of pawn brokers who still dominate over 50% of the gold loan industry. RBI is blind to the fact that organized gold loan business is meeting the same fate that microfinance in AP is facing. The small borrower and the job-seeker are the eventual victims of this unnecessary regulatory activism.

In spite of Chakrabarty's preposterous appeal to change Indians' gold-buying habits, the yellow metal still remains a very popular small investment vehicle and the prime choice for jewellery. It is not very far back in the past that economists of several countries appealed for a gold standard for currency during the 2009 economic crisis. That may be an extreme step, but dismissing gold as a worthless metal with no 'intrinsic value' is the talk of an out-of-touch man, desperate for headlines. Indians will continue to buy gold in spite of Chakrabarty's alternative universe , but won't be able to fully use it for temporary cash needs, because of RBI's actions.

Chakrabarty, and his brand of vigilante regulation has to go if this country is to see better times soon. Otherwise RBI, whose primary job is to aid healthy growth of the economy and not to lord over the industry, will spend all its time dealing with distractions like Nero while India burns. Already, there is a near freeze in credit growth in the country, and Chakrabarty is burning midnight oil to find ways to demoralise lenders further. He should urgently be shown 'some other place', and that place should be far away from TV cameras.

A wake up call called Truth

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 06 May 2012 18:54:00 +0000

Very few 'stars' can live up to the kind of hype that Aamir Khan creates for his products. Very few can pull it off too, like Aamir did with Satyameva Jayate. The veteran actor managed to not just live up to the carefully constructed expectations of his debut on the idiot box, he even managed to moist a few eyes and deflect attention from himself to a burning issue that we all want to conveniently forget.

Satyameva Jayate attempts to break away from the familiar 'Bollywood' mould of talk shows on TV and sets out to bring something else to the table - Reality. No it isn't simulated reality like Big Boss or phony toughness of Roadies. Aamir's brand of reality is stark, hard hitting and gut wrenching. This is the kind of reality we desperately avoid by installing sound proof glasses in our bedroom windows and gazing the other way at each traffic signal. In spite of our best efforts, it is hard to escape this kind of truth.

Yes, there are people who still run away from it. It is just a TV show after all - you can always change the channel! I can picture a fictional, cola-guzzling, overweight, middle-aged gentleman changing the channel with disappointment after the first 5 minutes. 'Yeh kya kar raha hai? Entertainment kidhar hai?' he says aloud and moves on to a dance show where every contestant is hailed as the 'next big thing' by the mediocre judge who couldn't dance to save his life. Our middle-aged Patron needs monkeys on his TV, dancing to the tunes of his subscription of two hundred and thirty rupees for the satellite TV. All he wants is a few laughs and ample cleavage. But when he gets a call from his daughter in the dead of the night that his grand daughter has been killed by her own father, reality hits him so hard that every fat cell in his bloated existence shakes with the shock.

Those of us who avoid meeting reality by living at least eight stories above the level where the nauseating stench of visceral truth stops rising, it just managed to seep into our living rooms through a Bollywood star's talk show. The grotesque images of a mutilated face, the brutal savagery of a highly educated 'upper class' grand mother, the tears and the astonishment of a studio audience which is simultaneously excited to see a 'Star' and hit with a 10,000 volt electric shock called truth....we needed a master story teller to make us see the truth.

'What's new about this show?' my mom said. 'There were a lot of shows like this. Kiran Bedi had a show like this too. A lot of people tried to highlight these issues too.'

I said, 'The only difference is, even I'm watching the show because Aamir Khan's hosting it.' Satyameva Jayate isn't just about Aamir Khan. It is about how truth always triumphs. But it helps that Aamir is hosting the show. He didn't need to do this, but his presence elevated the issues right away.

I'm an unabashed Aamir fan, just like I'm a shameless sucker for all-things-Sachin. But I pride in myself being as objective as I can when I critique their performances. I feel the best tribute to performers of Aamir and Sachin's class is being unbiased about them. When Aamir Khan steps out to perform, he doesn't aim to just entertain the masses. He aims to make a deeper connection than that, and create a lasting impact in the process.

So, we cried a bit when we saw it today for one hour. And sent an SMS immediately pledging our support to the cause. We have a plane to catch early in the morning tomorrow, so let's get over with the Sunday ritual of dining out and high-street shopping early. Truth always wins, but we also celebrate the fact that Aamir Khan wore the same Titan Orion watch on the show that is lying on the couch at that very moment. What a coincidence!

I met Kailash Kher last night

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 16:20:00 +0000

No, I didn't mean it literally of course. I didn't shake hands with him or pecked him on the cheek! Instead, I attended his transcendental concert at the Shanmukhananda Hall, Sion last evening. If connecting to the soul of art is the same as knowing the artiste, I have come to know Kailash Kher yesterday - Kailash Kher, the man who has God behind his voice!

The evening started badly. After negotiating the legendary Mumbai traffic from Goregoan West to Sion and finding that parking near the Hall was a luxury we had to forego, Mamata and I entered the concert hall 45 minutes late. Going late to somewhere always pisses me off, even though I never seem to be able to control that. Incredibly, the concert hadn't even started by the time we got seated proving that the 'Indian Standard Time' is a concept here to stay for some more time. Apparently, the culprit is the faux-celebrity, Anurag Pandey aka Picture Pandey of Fever 104.0 FM. Pfoof!

To add insult to the injury, our seats were horribly wrong. I could barely see the head of Kailash Kher bobbing up over the balcony wall and I hate to see live concerts on the big projection screens. It just doesn't feel 'live' when you can't see the artiste except on a telecast. By the time the opening nonsense about the generosity of sponsors and some ego-serving by Fever 104.0 FM was served, I was simmering deep down to my core like a piece of anthracite in a Tandoor . I prepared for the horrors of the evening to unfold.

How wrong I was! All it needed was Kailash Kher to start singing and the evening suddenly turned magical. A product of hard earth and limited means, he is as unsophisticated as his voice. He denies that though. He 'speaks English now, you know' he declared to the audience proudly. Making small talk with the audience throughout the evening, he dissed the bureaucrats who claim 'long-standing' friendship with him, journalists who ask dumb questions, VIPs who can't smile, Anurag Pandey and some other who come late. And the stories about his humble origins, the recent death of his mother, the story of rock-dudes in his Band - Paresh-Naresh, Kailasa's origin and its global success.... The evening had suddenly come alive for me!

Kailash Kher

Some audience left disappointed though. And some others were unruly as mobs usually are. They all came for the Nusrat Fateh Ali's songs. Kailash Kher meant nothing to them. I would assume the fault is at Fever's end. They promoted it excessively as 'Nusrat night' instead of 'Kailash Night'. Fans of Nusrat flocked in hundreds, only to hear modernized renditions of Rang deeni, Kinna Sona and some other classics. 'Oh, it was all so loud!' declared an exasperated lady on the way out. But of course it is, Aunty! It was Kailash Kher all the way. Didn't you know?

Kailsa's multi-talented band members and particularly Paresh-Naresh duo complemented their lead singer's vocals perfectly. Rang Deeni's modern make-over was pure genius. But the crown jewel was always going to be 'Saiyaa'. I tell you, there is God in this man's voice! That Kailash Kher is sincere is a known fact. Did you also know that the breathless singing that Saiyaa demands isn't a product of some clever studio wizardry? I realised that yesterday. He can really sing the long stretches without breaking. And when his breath gives away and the lungs refuse to go further, he squeezes his stomach in with his free hand to bring out the sound like it should! I never saw a singer more humble and sincere.

But you always had to have someone to spoil the party. Anurag Pandey, a nice man I'm sure, was a misfit for the presenter's role. He apparently has an ego of his own which he couldn't let go. When he was on stage, it was as much about himself as Kailasa and in spite of the subtle digs Kailash Kher was taking at the Picture Pandey, he had to do what he does. Biggest surprise was when they presented the star RJs of Fever on stage. Karan Singh, the bhabhi-magnet who presents the classical and Ghazal fare in the evening, turned out to be a westernised, gum-chewing, disinterested bloke with a facial expression that can only be termed 'arrogant'. May be he was going for 'non-chalant', but who cares! Amidst all this buffoonery, Kailash Kher's humilty stood out like a pristine lotus in a mud pond.

The crowd kept clamouring for Nusrat's numbers inspite of Kher reminding them that he isn't an FM Radio program which plays listener's choices at whim. The crowd kept at it in spite of that, to the extreme annoyance of Mamata and Kher himself. In the end, he obliged and closed the evening with one last Nusrat number to silence the cacophony.

When the stage lights went away and the band started packing up, the front benchers moved forward to click a picture of the singer. He didn't sniff his nose in a nonchalant way and rush back to the green room. Instead, Kailash Kher moved forward to meet his admirers, bent forward and folded his hands, posing for the photographs. The lucky ones captured the moment in their cell phones. I was so moved, and so far away from the stage, I decided to capture the moment in my own way - I decided write a blog after nearly six months and treasure the moment in my memory, forever!

Dig Dig Faster Faster

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 05:50:00 +0000

I think we have hit the bottom. No? Keep digging folks!

Atleast in the telugu movie industry, the bottom is near. It is not news anymore that 99% of the lead actresses in Telugu Movies are from Bombai.

'Bombai' or ('Bambey' in Telangana) is not exactly the current day Mumbai. It used to be that until the need to import 'heroines' started to arise. The local talent wasn't trying hard enough to get in shape and polish the skin. So the rich producer decided to visit Bombai to get the right fit for the bimbette role his director has created. 'Bombai', he was told, starts slightly north of Punjab and liberally extends itself East up to Bengal, whereupon it steeply drops up to the borders of North AP before jerking towards West until it reaches NCPA's ramp into the Arabian Sea on Marine Drive, Mumbai. This is where, the Definitive Guide to Making Telugu Movies tells you, one can find a few fair skinned females who dress as per the latest trends and may not have too much inhibition in discarding some of the garments. There are a lot of trendy dressers in AP too, and some wilful discarders, but umm.... the skin? Even if a hard worker consuming tonnes of melanin-busters manages to achieve 'fair' complexion, what about the 'slim shape' the viewers want? Too much hard work guru! The producer decided to give Bombai a chance, approximately a decade or so ago.

Since then, the explosion of Bombai heroines on the scene all but killed the local talent. Most surviving local actresses play the role of heroine's 'nice gal' friend. The fat ones provide comic relief, but except for Swati and an odd girl here and there, no one plays the lead role. Ofcourse, if you have a 'Bombai heroine', you need a dubbing artiste for her. Mostly, the dubbing artiste picks up the Bombai heroine's accent of speaking Telugu. You don't know? It's cool to speak Telugu like a non local. Movies started the trend, and I hear it on the street too. Most of the TV Ads too use Madras telugu accents, which are equally aweful. But Movies prefer the Bombai accent for the lead actresses.

All this ain't the bottom yet. I read this news article recently which made me fall off the chair. It took some effort to digest it. It is a movie called Telugammai (meaning - A Telugu Girl). And guess who's playing the role? C'mon, make a guess. You did? Let me congratulate you then for getting it totally right. It is indeed a Bombai girl called Saloni Aswani from the USA of India - Ulhasnagar, Mumbai. Well, atleast she's not far from Bombai.

The Movie, and my heart is weeping when I'm writing this, is about a traditional Telugu girl who reaches deep down into the roots of her Telugu pride to find her ferocious side when the occasion calls for it (to illustrate which, the genius of a moviemaker purportedly uses the visions of Rani Laxmibai, who by the way was a Maharashtrian bahu in current day Madhya Pradesh).

How they could cast a non-telugu for a movie titled 'Telugammai' is beyond my comprehension. May be I'm just a cultural Nazi, and in today's cosmopolitan world, it is OK to cast a Sindhi speaking, non local to a role unambiguously titled 'A Telugu Girl'. May be Saloni, a starlet regurgitated by B grade Bollywood, is indeed more of a Telugammai than any available Telugammais, coming from the experience of Maryada Ramanna's success. Except that she isn't! She can hardly speak a word of Telugu by her own admission. And she doesn't really know the story of the Movie she just completed. Serious!! The interview speaks volumes about what 'depths' the Telugu industry reached already.

IMHO, this movie is guaranteed to go down in the annals of Telugu movie history as the one of the lowest points of its existence. May be it has a good story and will be appreciated for that. But the casting logic is plain stupid. May be if it had a different title, it would have saved some heartburn for people like me.

And inspite of the irony of it all, if the Telugu public actually pays big money to watch it and make it a 'resounding hit', I can only say one thing to them:

"Dig Dig, folks, Faster Faster!"