Fun in Life

A husband's day

2012-04-08T21:34:00.004-07:00

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

He tied her and went fishing.

Lifted from the Social Weekend Email

Rearing a child

2012-03-04T21:20:00.005-08:00

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

The scientist and the philosopher

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Rotten apples?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Wrong pronunciation

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
'quiche'."

Lifted from Daily Jokes

Getting a good tan

2012-01-29T12:14:00.000-08:00

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

The ideal wife

2012-01-26T20:48:00.000-08:00

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife do you like Johnny?

Johnny : I want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, I want her to come at night and disappear in the morning.

Gilbert J sent this one.

Qutable quotes

2011-12-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

Adopted from Mel Amarillo's blog BlagMell

Why do most young people look down on the old as if all seniors smell like earth?

True all seniors are getting closer to their pre-departure areas. At any given time they will wear no perfume but formaldehyde.

I assure you I did not dream of becoming old. It just occurred.

You will be a lot luckier if it does not happen to you.

Italian grandparents

2011-11-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

The wise grandmother

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.

There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301.

I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.

When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"

The wise grandfather

Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’? “

-Author Unknown-

*Posted for laughs with no intention to offend anyone. This is lifted from the blog of Masterwordsmith.

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Hilariously brilliant

2011-11-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother is not Mop.???

-Author Unknown-

Adopted from the blog of Masterwordsmith

Funny signs

2011-09-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

Spotted in a toilet of a London office: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below ...

In a Birmingham department store: Bargain basement upstairs.

In a Norwich office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.

In an Swindon office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a Chester secondhand shop: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. why not bring Your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Notice in Cambridge health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

In a Leicester laundromat: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Seen during a Blackpool conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field in Wiltshire: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a leaflet in reading: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a repair shop door in Newcastle-on-Tyne: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.

Adopted from the blog of Masterwordshmith. You can google her site.

Please also visit my other blog sites Salt of Life
at http://www.salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com, Viajero
at http://www.viajero-funtravel.blogspot.com and Miscellaneous
at http://www.miscellaneous-oddnews.blogspot.com.

The difference between supper and dinner

2011-09-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

Father and son were trying to make fun of mother while she was dressing up.

The family has decided to take supper outdoor.

Son to father: "Dad, what's the difference between supper and dinner?"

"When we dine out, it's dinner," said the father. "When we take our night meal

at home, it's suffer."

When the mother comes, son turns to her. "Mom, what's the difference between

supper and dinner?"

"When we dine out and I choose the place, it's dinner," the mother replies. "When

dad chooses the place it's suffer."

Simple words

What do I get from writing on the web log? Plain pleasure. When I see my

thoughts jump into print, I feel satiated, the pleasure in my blood gets high.

As I said in my previous blog, there are over a million words in the English

dictionary. I pick only a few of them, simple words like hoity-toity, ad nauseam

tittle-tattle, testosterone, chutzpah, etc.

Adopted from Blagmell, the blogsite of my friend Mel Amarillo.

Please visit my other blogs Salt of Life at http://www.salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com,
Viajero http://www.viajero-funtravel.blogspot.com
and Miscellaneous http://www.miscellaneous-oddnews.blogspot.com

Three sets of jokes

2011-09-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

One-liners

1. Your president is always ready to lay down your life for your country.

2. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

3. A boss with no humor is like a boring job.

Student-teacher jokes

Joke 1.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: I'm sorry ma'am, I did not know that my watch is late.

Teacher: Now set it in advance.

The student did so and then went out.

Teacher: Why are you going out?

Student: It's still early ma'am.

Jone 2. (For Filipinos)

Teacher to a new student: What's your name?

Student: Early Seven Strikes Land, ma'am.

Teacher: What kind of a name is that? Is that really your name?

Student: Yes ma'am, it's the English version of my name.

Teacher: And what is the Filipino version?

Student: Agapito Hampaslupa.

Please read my other blogs Salt of Life at http://www.salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com and Viajero at http://www.viajero-funtravel.blogspot.com

No problem

2011-08-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

This story has been circulating here in Jeddah as a joke, although people who knew the Filipino character in this story say it was an actual case. Joke or not, this could start your day with a smile. Here's the story.

A Filipino went to a dentist to have his aching tooth pulled. The dentist, an Indian, told him to come back the following day after giving him medicine to make the swelling subside.

The following day the dentist pull one of his molars. The following day the Filipino discovered that the dentist extracted a wrong tooth.

"Doctor, you pulled out the wrong molar yesterday," he complained.

"No problem," the dentist said reassuringly.

"We will extract the right molar this time."

Thanks to Danny Lequin for sharing this story.

Please visit my other blog Salt of Life at http://www.salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com.

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A little too real

2011-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

This is not a joke but start your day with a smile.

New Zealand school skeleton turns out to be real

WELLINGTON, New Zealand (AP) — An anatomy lesson nearly got a little too authentic in New Zealand when an elementary school teacher found that the skeleton she was about to show her class wasn't plastic. It was a real human skeleton.
The local Northern Advocate newspaper says school principal Bastienne Kruger stopped the lesson, called in the police and handed over the boxed skeleton. Officials are scratching their heads over what to do next.
Experts from the Historic Places Trust believe the bones were professionally preserved a century ago or more when skeleton trading was common.
The bones appear to be from a small man who lived in India or China. Nobody knows how long the skeleton has been at the Totara North elementary school, which opened in 1852 on New Zealand's North Island.

This happened last month.

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Points to ponder

2011-08-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

1. The road to success is always under construction.
That's the reason why we never cease to dream.

2. Telling a baby not to cry is like teaching a pig
how to sing. It's a waste of time.

3. Every wife is a "mistress" of her husband. "Missed"
for a while and "stressed" for the rest of the day.

4. Time is a great healer but a lousy beautician. I found
that out when I met a college classmate who broke my heart.

5. When my friend told her class that there was no Internet
when she was still a student, one of her students asked her,
"How did you manage to live?"
She replied: "That's the same question I asked when my
mom told me there was no shampoo and diaper in her time."

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The bridge

2011-08-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

A priest was assigned to a small town.

When he took the confession of the residents one Saturday afternoon, he noticed that many made very long confessions about their having committed adultery because they were ashamed to go directly to the point.

To make their confessions on elicit affairs short, he advised them to just use a code - "I fell from the bridge". Soon that code became institutionalized.

Five years later, the priest was replaced by another prelate whom he forgot to brief about the code.

On his first Saturday, the new priest received confessions from the residents and was surprised to hear some of them telling him about falling from a bridge.

Thinking that the residents were complaining about an unrepaired bridge, he went to see the town mayor about it.

The mayor laughed when he heard the prelate's concern and decided to pull a joke on the man of piety.

"When you hear such a complaint again, father," the mayor said. "please tell them that I am still raising funds for the repair of the bridge."

The priest assured him that he would do as he was told. When the priest was about to leave, he suddenly remembered.

"Mayor, be sure to raise the fund at once," the priest entreated the town official.

"Why the sudden rush, father?" the mayor asked with a wide grin.

"It's for the sake of your wife," said the priest.

"I remember that she told me at the confessional last Saturday that she also fell from that bridge."

Please visit my other blog Salt of Life hyperlink http://www.salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

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Know the difference

2011-08-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Some people say there is no difference between complete and finish.

I bet there is.

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,

you are completely finished.

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His curse

2011-08-19T22:30:00.000-07:00

A man goes to the wizard to ask if he can remove a curse he has been living
with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were
used to put the curse on you."

The man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Five witty one-liners

2011-08-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

1. Those who forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

2. Life is sexually transmitted.

3. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

4. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

5. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and paid just enough not to quit.

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Saint Gloria

2011-08-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

This is a joke circulating among Filipinos about former president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. Hope it will make you smile even for a while. Have a nice day.

One Saturday afternoon in a beautiful country known as the Pearl of the Orient Seas but where politicians are also known to be crooks, an aide of a former president named Gloria visited a bishop in the central region. He told the bishop that the former president would be attending the next day's Mass. Would the bishop kindly acknowledge her presence to his congregation and say a few words that would include calling her a saint?

Former president Gloria was among the most hated leaders in her country. She was said to have cheated when she ran for a second term and won despite pre-election surveys that showed her tailing the other candidates. Her people think that she had betrayed their trust after they supported her in a people power revolt that ousted a crooked leader.

During her terms, she was linked to many corruption scandals, including a telecommunications contract she bestowed to a Beijing-backed company, allegedly masterminded by her husband whose name sounded like Mickey Mouse. There were so many shenanigans she was said to have done so much so that most, if no all, of the candidates she supported during the last elections lost.

Aware of all these issues, the bishop replied, "No, no, no. I don't like the woman at all. I believe all the charges leveled against her. I also believe she has been a hypocrite in going to church every now and then because I see that she worships material wealth more than God."

The aide then cut him: "Look, I will write a check here for a donation of P5,000,000 to your church if you would find a way to think of her as a saint."

The bishop thought about it for a while and said, "Well, the church can use the money so I will try to find a way to accommodate your request after tomorrow's sermon."

The aide wrote a check for P5,000,000.

Sunday came, former president Gloria sat prominently on the front pew with a huge retinue of clowns. As promised, after the sermon the bishop told the congregation that the former president was with them.

Then he said: "While the former president's presence is an honor to some of us, I am aware that majority of the citizens has no respect for her. We know the scandals hounding her during her two terms. She was said to have won the election because she cheated with the help of some corrupt members of the Commission on Elections whom she bribed."

The bishop paused when he saw the former president and her retinue stood up to leave. But she was prevailed upon to stay when a bishop's confidante told her that the prelate will say she is a saint at the end.

When the guests settled down, the bishop continued. "I believe all the charges leveled against her. And I know for a fact that she bribed many of my colleagues with cars and that's why they supported her during her watch. Aside from the cases she faces, she is now suffering from an ailment, which I hear has something to do with her spine. While, as Christians we are taught to love even our enemies, I know that many of us cannot bring ourselves to sympathize with her. Many of us even think that her current predicament is her comeuppance, her karma."

He made a final pause to deliver his punchline: "But, come to think of it, compared with her husband, the former first gentleman, who was said to be the brains behind all those shenanigans, I can say that former president Gloria is a saint."

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Legally blonde

2011-08-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

Last year a woman replaced all the windows in her house with expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind.

While dusting the windows, she got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been a year ago and he hadn't been paid for them.

"Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. Just ask
what your fast-talking sales guy told me last year," she said on the phone.

"He told me that in one year these windows would pay for themselves."

Author unknown

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Unwitting punter

2011-08-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

The nuns at a small suburban convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left each of them $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would share her bequest.

Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street. He certainly looked poor.

She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man, feeling sure that he had been sent by heaven to receive her charity. Pressing the $50 into the man's hands, the kind sister said, "Godspeed, my good man."

As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?" Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."

The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.

The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but she's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"

"Yes," said the man gleefully.

"Give her this $100 and tell her that Godspeed came in second at the horse race!"

Author Unknown

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An artist's prescription

2011-08-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

"Doctor!" said a woman loudly bouncing into a room, "I want you to tell me

very frankly what's wrong with me."

He looked at her from head to foot.

"Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."

"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should lessen your

rouge and lipstick by half as much as you have now. And third, I'm an artist -

the doctor's office is on the next floor."

SimpleTuition is the smart way to choose student loans. We are dedicated to helping students and their families through the confusing education loan process by providing innovative and effective tools, resources, and most importantly, choices that help students and families make the best choice for them. This is offered only in the United States.

Husband teaches wife how to fry eggs

2011-08-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

A wife was preparing eggs for breakfast.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful, careful," he said.

"Yes, you don't have to tell me, I know," said the wife.

"Put in some more butter and then turn them," said the husband.

"I know when to turn, you don't have to tell me," said the wife.

"Now take these two out, they're already done, and put in the other pair," said

the husband.

"And don't forget the salt," he continued.

The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how

to fry eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you how it feels when you

meddle while I'm driving"

Please read my other blog Salt oF Life hyperlink salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

Faithful husband

2011-08-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

Husband: If I die, will you remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. How about if I die will you remarry?
Husband: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Please visit my other blog Salt of Life hyperlink salt-romblonwriter.blogspot.com

Simple truths

2011-08-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

For the young

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
4) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
5) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

For adults

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not for the toy.
4) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
5) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Four stages of life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

-Author Unknown-

Witty one-liners

2011-08-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please make all my friends fat.

Good health is the slowest possible way to death.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Why should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I am modest and damn proud of it.

Culled from the blog of Masterwordsmith