strength in blunders

Sustain-a-Blog-ability

2011-11-17T12:22:00.001-08:00

Strength in Blunders came to that split of one road into two roads in a yellow wood yesterday. It has made no difference yet and I cannot imagine what difference it will make...Which makes me wonder if this is the famous yellow wood or just some knock-off, middle of the mall shit.  It does say "a" yellow wood so maybe its not marked on a map. (shewww I am exhausted).. These roads at this divergence were marked: Save the Blog <-- | --> Kill the Blog.
I was there because I read a blog that was actually good. Which made me realize that my blog kinda stinks.  Can I blog this crap with the this new found information? I know what you’re thinking: (collective yell) What took so long?

WELL I had never read a good blog…that’s what took so Friggin’ long! How was I to know that there is (or are, I've only found one) actually well written, entertaining, informative blogs out there? 100% of the blogs I had read until yesterday are worse than mine.

The Pre-November 16, 2011 Blogs I had read fall into one of these unbecoming categories:

-Look at me I’m awesome blog
(We looked, decided we should be the judge, and moved on)

- Look at me I suck blog
(We looked, decided you were right, became sad, but none the less moved on)

University of [INSERT STATE] Sports Blog
(GO TEAM GO!!... OH NO!! SHIT!! FIRE THE COACH)
*refer back to: I suck/I’m awesome blogs -- there is some overlap
(while blogging may be a therapeutic outlet for your volatile fanhood... I got my own emotional crap going on so just do like everyone else and call your local sports radio show)
Trust me I know what I am talking about blog
(TRUST ME...That unless you have an important prefix [KING, SGT., COACH etc.]
or distinguished suffix [PHD or IV {<-- Numbers help}] no one trusts you)

Celebrity Inside Scoop Blog
(Occasionally Useful but not worth frequenting)
*exception(s)
What is SHAQ doing right now?
Why the hell is Jim Cantore in my hometown and should I seek shelter immediately? (should exsist)

You read this only because you had a weird skin irritation blog
(never making the favorites tab)

I want to clarify that a blog does not fail me simply by matching one the listed categories…
With proper delivery and quality substance a blog of any genre could become a “Starred” site for me (less and except the skin thing.. clearly a browser stigma that no one can afford)

I think my blog fits into the category of “Blathering About Generally Blundersome Happenings” Blog
Delivery and quality are suspect. (see look at me I suck)

The "which way do I go" problem hit me when I read a blog that I actually enjoyed. I read weeks and months-worth of posts in one sitting. I realized that at least one person is putting out some reading material that I look forward to. I thought “Maybe I should start a revolution… I could read blogs during all of my free time, Judge them according to my keen wisdom, then leave comments that either: (A) Praise the Blog and Blogger or (B) Critique the content/style and then Ridicule the Blogger and his/her family.” Turns out I am too late because that revolution started many years ago in the dorms of every college campus in zee vorld. (Damn! really hoped to scratch "Start a Revolution" off my bucket list.)  So with no revolution to lead I think I can continue my infrequent half-assed postings but not before I give credit where credit is due. I stumbled onto this “Blathering About Generally Blundersome Happenings” Blog and it is the best blog that I have read (which is not that big a deal [after all I have only read about 7 different blogs])... none the less it is http://www.jamesaltucher.com/

May be it just caught me at the perfect time and it is not actually that good (see bow-flex and Slap Chop)

Then again maybe it is better than I yet know and turns out to be everyone’s favorite (see Aaron Rodgers and Mountain Khakis)

Disingenuously
/s/
Sir tdavid Shaw j.d. (boom)

It is not yet clear to me whether I took the common road or the road less traveled but I feel like ever since that was published... The road less traveled aint so much less traveled... which kind of makes the decision in the woods less spectacular... (6 of one Half dozen of the other)
It is as if the road less traveled by... has lost its charm...

"The Re-Po auction aint no good when a buncha folks show up" - a jackson hustler

Relative Milestones

2011-11-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

I was standing nearby when a fellow law student approached my favorite (and most feared) law professor and asked him "Do you remember when I spoke up in class and you [basically humbled me in front of the entire class for 10 uninterrupted minutes and everyone laughed?" (I merely overheard this by grace it was not I that made this mistake). With perfect delivery and not an ounce of remorse he said; "No I do not...clearly that was a "moment" in your life and not mine! good day Miss... whatever your name is."

I am sure this sounds like a horrible and arrogant man... which is not entirely false... but the truth in his words very rarely has a lasting negative effect on others. How can it... It reminds me of the little brother that watched too much Kung Fu/Cartoons and foolishly believes that his 60lbs are enough to retaliate against his 200lb. brother for thumping him on the head, changing the channel from Ren and Stimpy, or [any of the million tormenting practices of older brothers]... No matter how determined he is, how red his face gets, how violently he screams, or how perfectly he imitates Bruce Lee's Drop-Kick...He should know good and well that his 200lb. brother will catch his leg and he will be dangled helplessly at arms length. Miss... "Whatever her name is" was not equipped to approach Mr. Law Professor, no matter how determined she was to feel better about what happened. For what its worth... I told her I remembered and that I laughed... I don't think that I made her feel better.

I defend his response because if he would have instead had a chuckle with her and reflected on how funny it (he) was... She may have gotten the impression that he enjoys making other people look foolish and even dwells on those moments or worse she may get the impression that she and her "moment" were more significant than the other 120 people and their respective humiliating moment.

I had a moment this week.

I played in a golf tournament to benefit Els For Autism (http://www.e4agolf.com/). With 1,700 participants, over 8,000 donors, and nearly $2 million raised this event is the largest charity golf tournament in the world. The experience was incredible for many reasons and served as a relative milestone in my life.

I know that as time goes on only my teammate and I will remember the event and the excitement of teeing it up with a few of Golf's elite but it will remain a milestone in my life. The point that I will hold on to is kind of a ceremonial turn. Golfer's always wonder how they would handle the pressure of a gallery lining the tee box on the first hole of a big tournament. I have heard people say that it is particularly difficult to even tee the ball much less hit it. So I got the chance to answer that question last week in Las Vegas with my buddy Jeff Cook, 5 touring professionals, and a few hundred spectators. I always expected to swing conservatively if faced with this situation. It did cross my mind, but just in the nick of time, the prudent thought hit me... If you swing easy you are going to either fail miserably or hit a weak little shot... (both kind of stink) If you Swing as hard as you possibly can you are going to either fail miserably or hit it a quarter mile (1/4 mile would not stink)... then
I Swung as hard as I could and got away with it... Hit the ball nearly 400 yards and now have a moment. What would I do if I had to hit a golf shot with hundreds of people watching? Swing as hard as I can and hope the result is worth remembering?

I have to mention the simple 10 foot putt I missed on the last hole to lose the match... It was my "cant focus, cant hold still, cant remember how to hold the club moment". I kinda wonder if it looked like I was having a stroke because it sure felt like it.

boo blundersome. boo half-assed SIB.

the tim

mister world-wide etc.

2011-10-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

I now have statistics on several areas of this blog. I have always been curious about the traffic stats of Strength in Blunders... which posts were most visited, who checks in on SiB that I know personally, and have strangers found it, liked it, and check in on it from time to time? What we found out may shock you? (camera switches to shot of a clock ticking...tick, tick, tick) Its not that dramatic... Actually I dont know names or anything but I do know with certainty that strangers have found this proverbial dot on the map. But How? you ask. Well most simply, "They aint from 'round here, and I aint got no kin folk or otherwise in them parts. Anyway... the specifics of how are beyond me, and it is just numbers not names but I do have visits per country per post... There is a stat keeper (proverbial mathlete) that gives me a report of what blog posts have been viewed and... from what country each were viewed. Turns out Strength in Blunders is kind of an international sensation and someone(s) in Russia is/are tuned in quite a bit.
BTW no offense Russia but your Public Relations/Chamber of Commerce needs to get with Hollywood (USA) and try to get some movies set in "Summertime Russia" with a Russian Hero. Speaking from an American audience perspective...
Love stories do not exist in Russia, Russia men break legs, and its always negative 20 degrees. WTH? (what the heck?)
I think Americans are ready for a Sunny Romantic Comedy outta ya'll ("Bbl BCe" is Russian for: you all [which is the long way of saying ya'll])... Its never too late to change your image and nothing does more for a tarnished reputation than a scenic feel good story.

I am realistic and chalk up the visits from 10 foreign countries as accidents or key word search for Joe Dirt that was on the 45th page of google or perhaps a concerned parent was trying to find out about A.D.D. and got here by some twist of fate and now believes that their child could harness the hyper-energy makes them different and they too could have a world-wide impact

I am also ridiculous... and maybe... just maybe... my b.s. bares striking resemblance to the free flowing genius of their long lost hero. (ancient even)... Maybe I am like Joe (Tom Hanks) from ~~Dante's Peak~~ ~~Krakatoa, East of Java~~,~~When Time Ran Out...~~ Joe vs. The Volcano and I am important on an epic level in some remote land...
Alternatively, I could be stirring up some international resentment for the Boston Red Sox, Tim Duncan, Big Ten, or enriching the lives of foreign: Saints, Rangers, Ocho Cinco, Miami Hurricanes, gas station bean burrito fans. I may not have blogged about gas station bean burritos but they are ~~great,~~ ~~good~~ , tempting beyond better judgment at least once. (see tongue to battery, belly flop, holding a snake, watching hockey, rollerblading, curry, sardines, shaved head, mustaches, Toms, eating snow, any ab mechanism, tanning beds, earwax removal kit, biore blackhead strips, nair, suspenders, bow ties, renting a scooter, shaking a vending machine to get free snacks.)

if the world wants more... I'm gonna give 'em what they want.
I guess thats why its called the world wide web.
shawdiggidy
Шоу

прочность в промахов

lessons earned

2011-10-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

When I was.. well.. 14 or 15 years old (nearly old enough to drive) I got a summer job. There was no filling out applications, turning in applications, pressing my shirt, combing my hair for an interview. I don't even think there was ink, paper, and a dotted line. Actually that I "GOT" the job sounds like I was looking for.. then found the job.. (not what happened). As I recall it, an extended family get-together produced my first ever employment. At said gathering My uncle (who was a Linebacker? in college and remains a football enthusiast) asked me how my summer football workouts were going. I said with some pride that "its hard work, I'm playing quarterback and we throw like 200 balls a day, do a half an hour of abs, and practice our drop-backs back and forth down the entire field." (I paused for his approval... I should not have paused). It gave him time to say this... "Quarterbacks wear skirts".. he laughed (which made me nervous... Is he kidding or is he about to have a Linebacker break with reality and spear me.) this is really not how I felt but I was certainly not going argue over the toughness of my position. This conversation meandered about until he figured out how to counter my summer of Pampered Quarterback. "What are you doing besides working out?" he asked ( Again I should not have paused)... Literally the next day, I was working for his construction company. I was placed on concrete form detail for the next few months. Raise your hand if you know what that means....Rrrrrright... I (alone) cleaned (recycled) the apparatus used to form -or- (give shape)... to wet concrete.  When the cement foundation or wall was dry, the forms were removed and sent to me... (lonely, bored-out-of-my-mind, in-want-of-rain me) to be stripped of residual debris and conditioned with burn-your-ass oil.
I am grateful for THAT summer because I learned my lesson*(s)... the next couple summers I did the same thing but that was less character building and more so because (here I go speculatin') anyone else (anyone not related to the boss man) would have quit and forms gotsta be cleaned.

*(s) oil used for conditioning cement forms burns the skin like a sumofabitch
*(s) even when the job can be done better and more efficiently from a folding metal chair DO NOT sit down "Sitting Down on the Job" is frowned upon by the boss man.
*(s) lifting weights and throwing footballs does not fit in the category of "working out"
*(s) Don't pause
*(s) most of the people that work in construction started in some character-building role and take great
       joy in building the character of rookies. this is common in many professions... but in construction
       they drag it out and leave you on a remote island... alone... without a chair.

*(s) Don't call your boss by his first name in front of adults (even if you have done so your entire life)
*(s) avoid outside jobs that require blue jeans in july and august.
*(s) Quarterbacks wear skirts

----lastly----

*(s) I was not on a crew for one or more of these reasons:

1. A summer job is designed to build character not skills for a future career
those positions should be filled by persons of established character and a desire to make it a career

2. Too young to drive: Crews are on different sites during the week

3. Too young to be exposed to the conversations/language on job sites.

4. My uncle really did not like quarterbacks

Thank you DG for the work.
I got to scuff my boots and learned that you dont throw away day old bread (or raggedy ass forms)

texas rangers to the top.
tdavids

Speculatin'

2011-10-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

With nothing more than a snap shot or passing glance from the highway I can pretty much tell you the history, future, current state, age, utility of anything I look at. I WILL NOT AUTHENTICATE MY ANALYSIS NOR WILL I GUARANTEE ANY PARTICULAR FINDING with anything more than a "that's what it looks like"; "I bet that's how that got there"; or "I bet you anything..."

*Not by some real knowledge or research, but purely by feel. It's called speculatin' and I love it.

Speculatin' is a very popular hobby across the globe... From cab drivers with conspiracy theories... To grade school detectives... It passes more road trip miles than all of your "best of [insert decade and/or genre] compilations ever have. It's kind of a two man game but can be played alone like forest gump played ping pong (probably not fun... enjoying it may mean you have some serious psychological issues that need expert analysis [i.e. you can distinguish between your "me" "myself" and "I"] ) or with 3 like jeopardy less he that was formerly mustache(d) (1 vs. 1 vs. 1 [no team]) or 4 (so long as it's 2 on 2) because 3 on 1 is bullying you jerk! (frowned upon).
*note: The reason I believe 4 is the max is that 20% of all people probably know (by research) the truth and they need not speculate (explanation: with 5+ 1 of 5 would probably be an expert on everything. [see that...I just created a thoughtful speculation that is free of fact or foundation.]) I had plans at one time (that one time being now because it just occurred to me) to pitch the game to milton bradley or [insert game maker]... but after giving it much thought (much=the time it took for me to type [...] ) I decided it is more like "I Spy"... game is self explanatory and a board with pieces is just coat closet clutter. (coatclosetclutter should be a http://www.com/ where people sell ccc. ...boom.

last Friday I stayed at work until after 5 and I failed to make this known to my boss.
I almost sent him a pointless email just to have the time stamp validate my hard day. I did not because I was only there at 5:10 because I was reading an article on http://www.golfwrx.com/ and lost track of time. Instead I decided I would ask to leave at noon on a Tuesday, because 10 extra minutes on a Friday is worth half a Tuesday... tell me I am wrong!

the tim

I gotsta I just gotsta give em what they want.

BACK IN SLACK

2010-11-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

Good Day blundersome patrons

This blog has long been dormant and I am hesitant to claim that it is "BACK". How-eva (where did Stephen A. go?) I do have some bull shat to share.

With less than one year left in Law School, I must face the reality of actually practicing law, or do I?

In December of 2007 I gave the audience a snap shot of strength in blunders financials. At that time SIB was hauling in 1.5 figures. So I think you all deserve to know that SIB has exceeded most expectations by roaring into 2.5 figures while its proverbial driver was asleep at the wheel. I must say that I was even shocked to see that SIB had become a viable cash-cow. I'll have you know that there are books that tell people to create "passive income" so that they make money while doing nothing. I thought they meant I should get AFLAC (still pays when you cant work) but now I see that writing stuff is what they meant. Cousin Eddie said it was Jelly of the Month, but that was in the 80's when jelly was hot, and gas was cheap.

I want to highlight some of my earlier blogs to see how they feel today.

Some may say atleast i am not like him, he spends so much time and energy on golf and
blogging and has nothing to show for it (nothing? Double Fig-yas), while others say he may
be lazy but atleast he is well rested.

its like shawshank or white beaches, if they dont move you every time you experience them, you are emotionally constipated and due for a break down. call someone you trust(someone of the cloth) and deal with it.

If you are sleeping until daylight and cant figure out why you cannot get ahead...WAKE UP and smell the Geritol.

some seconds take minutes and some hours take seconds. for example,somewhere a kid is trying to break his personal record for holding his breath which until now has been exactly one minute. he gets passed the 55 second mark, little more than 5 seconds until he breaks the record,suddenly seconds triple in length, while somewhere else, during the exact same 60 second span, some guy sprints(on his tiptoes) through a QUICKSTOP store, kicks in a bathroom door, flips on the light, struggles with hand to hand combat with his belt and button,rips open his fly, then pauses, and when the pressure eases momentarily he leaves his feet and lands at terminal velocity on the coldest, grossest, finest most wonderful thing his two fat cheeks have every been privileged to touch. the value and length of a second is relative to circumstance. why does the fifteen minutes between snoozes last for only a blink of an eye and the last fifteen minutes at work on friday last 6 hours.

Why hasnt Brett Favre Retired?

The Rangers won the American League and the Saints won the Super Bowl in the same year... I said in a blog once that my identity as a sports fan was doomed to be a loser by geographical circumstance.
It seems the tables have turned... I am looking at you New York.

lazy but I am from the tortoise school of thought.

standing up for strength in blunders.

sorry for wasting your time with reruns and halfassedness

sheez

the day the south stood still

2010-01-20T07:16:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time things were not like they are today. Once upon a time, I thought today would never come. It is like when Owen Wilson said in Armageddon "OK, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks, that's all you gotta say..." It is much the same here because while we are eager about what the next few weeks hold, it is the Wednesday before NFL armageddon and its kind of the scariest environment imaginable. I mean Louisiana and Mississippi believe in Favre for 20 years, believe Peyton Manning to be capable of anything for a decade, and now each of them are like Canyons of razor-sharp rock, Unpredictable gravitational conditions, Unexpected eruptions, things like that and that scares the crap out of us.

Once upon a time fans down here cheered like hell for about 9 weeks until the saints were all but mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. There were spikes on our Super Bowl monitor from time to time but inevitably we resigned to cheering on our next favorite team in the NFL... that being the Green Bay Favres for Mississippians, the Indianapolis Peytons for Louisianians, and the New York Eli's for both states... After all, Mississippi has no NFL team, so Mississippians are forced to ignore the "LIG" (as John Clayton calls the "League"), choose at random a team to cheer for, choose according to what team has a State or Ole Miss player near to their heart.. Or do as many Mississipians have for decades and join Who Dat Nation!

Once upon a time our worlds had yet to collide... We now face the task fighting our way to hallowed ground through none other than Prodigal Brett and Maestro Manning.

I love all that comes with the phrase, "The more things change, the more they stay the same" The NFL could possibly be the perfect exception slash perfect example of this because of its being predictably unpredictable. I mean parity defines this league yet we have 3 of the top four regular season teams alive and well. The anti-parity is the Colts perfect season which ended at the hands of the Jets ([once considered the worst team in the playoffs]. Colts v. Jets in this years double jeopardy irony game). Oh and insiders predict a lockout in the near future, which no one on the outside would have predicted.

Who Dat Nation doesn't just have a story of misfortunes, it has a woeful history of being so irrelevant that it is relevant. While Manning Nation was so relevant for the first half of the last decade, that its consistent and predictable success made it irrelevant during the regular season. While Favre Nation has rammed its way into relevance in such bizarre and uncomfortable ways that many choose to ignore its relevance.

Does Who Dat Nation have baggage?

lets see... do you mean other than the obvious title-less past, bag over the head, our kicker is our best player, reggie isn't who we thought he was, deuce is done, Manning that created the Maestro, weird ditka/rickie era, three name QB era, throw your helmet, super bowl city with never having been to a super bowl (not even a bridesmaid), and on and on and on... lets see there is something else... oh yeah... an EPIC FLOOD!

I hate to do this because of the position I have long taken against the 2004 red sox championship and because 86 years is pretty damn long to hope and care only to be disappointed. But all things considered the Red Sox fans were on the ledge, 9th inning, down a run, and preparing for year 87 the same as their grandparents prepared for years 2-86 with the phrase "the more things change, the more they stay the same". a steal here, an RBI single, and homerun later, the Red Sox fans took in new air and said with new hope, "the more things change, the more they stay the same." 7 games later, their identity changed. an organization and its followers so comfortable with being supremely relevant for their record of irrelevance, became relevant for all the right reasons. For the Red Sox There was no better way to end such a streak of poverty than by beating the Yankees, who are the very symbol of consistency, success, and the right kind of relevance.

I bring this to bear because Favre and Manning stand in the way of what the Who Dat Nation stands to gain. And all though they have little to do with the Saints lack of success, they have everything to do with the reputation of success and the right kind of relevance, and because they are La/Miss back-up plan. The Saints have the opportunity to end the "Woe is Me" era, destroy the Who Dat Nation's "post-season mistresses"(Favre then P. Manning) in consecutive games, and begin the era of the "Right Kind of Relevant".
This is the way it should be.

This weekend, the south will stand still. When the game ends in New Orleans, no matter the outcome, there will be a moment of silence in the soul of every man, woman, and child of the Who Dat Nation. Like the eye of a hurricane, there will be a moment of silence that gives way chaos. Chaos wrought by crushing despair or by immeasurable joy. This is not to say it is enough to just get there but rather that I believe if/when we get there, there is no way we lose.

Tupac Shakur, wrote "I guess change is good for any of us... Whatever it take for any of y'all to get up out the hood."

Here's to leaving the hood and chaos wrought by immeasurable joy.

May the Lord make the Saints fast and accurate.

Strength and Honor

tdavidshaw

gotta give 'em what they want.

who dat say de go'n beat dem saints.

down but not out

2009-09-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

the late great strength in blunders is making no guarantees but with its slant towards optimism... strength in blunders thinks that SiB will again deliver a brief escape from the norm. football season usually brings out the b.s. in me and a blog-inous rant is inevitable.
my predictions:
- lsu wins it all. ( i dont know if I believe it but i try this every year)
- Mike Vick matters.
- I will never hide my affection for self promotion.
- I will admit that it is exhausting when countless frauds make multiple ridiculous statements about their abilities. but I love the good ones. basicly you may be the winningest person in the history of winning but if you are boring I dont like you. (i.e. tim duncan, big ten, female athlete)
if you are terrible you are probably boring too so it is not all about being unequivocally brash. moving on...

chad "el gran shitter de toro" ocho cinco (or for those who dont read spanish and to save you the time of visiting freetranslation.com [Chad "the great bull-shitter" Eight Five]) is so brash, so obnoxious, and so dedicated to self-promotion.. that I find myself eager for more.

of course I could go on and on about his antics but he has his own web.promotions going on so I will move briefly to the "U"
- there have long been only 2 requisite attributes for being a part of the miami hurricane football program... (with the exception of quarterbacks)
(1) you must compete at a freakishly freakish level among and against freak athletes.
(2) you must tell those among you and against you how freakishly freakish you are compared to the general population of freak athletes.
I am compelled to promote their freakishness b/c for no good reason.. they arent!!!!!!
THE "U" has gone humble and almost apologetic for donkey-stomping Georgia Tech & OU! the most important thing missing from NCAA football right now is the swagger. USC is the closest thing we have to swagger right now and the only thing that qualifies them is that they are actually that much better than everyone else.. sure they lost to washington.. who cares..

ESPN.com espnradio.com espn sportscenter
to the people at espn that will never read this.

stop forcing new people on us. we get it... adam shefter is your newest nfl guy. quit putting him on every 5 seconds. anything he says I dont believe until mort tells me. he is boring and too suave to tell me what i need to know. make him color his hair gray or make him cut his hair into a receding hair line ( maybe even into full horseshoe fashion) and I may listen. I dont care what his resume is.. or how many times he has won his fantasy league or how many gm/o.c.'s/nfl players phone numbers he has in espn edition verizon cell unit... he looks like a vegas pit boss. i never knew how much I trusted john clayton until this GQ poser started telling me what i should know. sports fans got help in school from "most likely to work for microsoft guy" not "most likely to be your banker guy"
down with GQ guy!!! LONG LIVE LONDON FOG GUY!!!

tds

up late because i am an adult

2009-02-04T22:06:00.000-08:00

am i a jack ass? yes. am i stupider than you? yes. am i really 6'0"? wellll... depends on what authority you consult... UCA media guide had me at 6'1"... i sweet talked the heavy set trainer lady... it was really important though.. not because i wanted to be listed as taller than i really was.. but because my sweet talk at the weigh-in failed and i tipped the scales at like 210... 5'11.75" 210 is stocky... i was not stocky at that point.. i told the lady measuring height that quarterbacks couldnt be short & fat, so either she change the weight or the height. so 6'1" ,210lbs. i was. similar sad story, when entering a bar last summer, i handed over my drivers license and the bouncer looked up with a sad look and said, "what happened man?" The picture was taken when i was about 200lbs. and that night i stood in the tragic glory of nearly 250lbs. i just shook my head and fought back the emotions.. then proceeded to the restroom where i purged whatever fried concoction i had just consumed.jk.
i love story time so because i am adult and can proclaim story time when i want to..i do it often
I am not a fine teller of stories but i rarely forget stories so i tell a lot of them. good&bad.
NOTES ON TELLING:
- Do not be insecure about stories with dead ends, just learn from your mistakes.
- Be colorful, Be humble, be serious, use profanity when all else fails.
- if you are going to exaggerate, only do it to make yourself look worse, not better.
- if you know a great story about a friend that no one knows.. tell it to your audience as if it were you and fill them in afterwards on who it really was.
-- it allows you to skip awkward explanations like "this guy i know, and this other guy were - blah blah blahin and the other guy said to the guy i know..."

HERE ARE THE BEST NEW STORIES I HAVE:
i was on my way to campus to study during finals about 2 months ago. it was about 9pm, which at the time felt like 4am, when i pulled up to a red light. A car in the turn only lane signalled to enter my lane in front of me. so i stopped short of the car to create enough room for the car to at least angle in when the light turned. as the light turned i let off the break, expecting the car next to me to quickly proceed in front, but when they hesitated i tapped my breaks and got rear-ended. it was barely a nudge but i did feel it, so i stopped and hopped out quickly as did the driver that bumped me.
I leaned over as if to assess my damage, and with out really looking..
i said - "looks like i am good! yours alright?"
he said - "yeah looks fine."
i said back, - "Great! we're good then?"
he said - "you sure?"
i said "yeah man, no harm, and i am tired and in a hurry."
i shook his hand and started back to my car then
he said back, - "you sure man, i can follow you to a gas.."
right then i cut him off yelling over my shoulder,
"WE'RE GOOD, IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY, 'CUZ I AM TIRED AND I GOT TO TAKE A SHIT!" HE YELLED BACK THROUGH LAUGHTER,
- " UMM THANKS, OH AND GOOD LUCK! all i could muster through my surging bowel was - "YEAH!"

LAST and LEAST
- i played in my first basketball game in a long time last night. I am on a team with only a couple of i know. when i arrived at the gym for the game i found out that our opponent was a group of Asian exchange students.
- in an effort to break the ice because several of teammates hardly know me, I got everyone to huddle up before the shoot around. i said, " Can we just get it in here for a team meeting to talk about the game." the guys kind of obliged because they didn't know me or how to react to such a weird request. after all its intramurals brother! who has team huddles for intramural basketball?
- anyways once everyone gathered, i concentrated and held a straight face and gave a speech.
" Guys, i just wanted to get in here and talk about this. Yes its basketball and its just intramurals, but if you'll look across the court you will realize that this is bigger than us! this is a clash of world powers, and cultural ideals! tonight we are not just playing for the name on our shirts but we are playing for a flag, our country and our God! take that intensity to the game!"

we lost. mark one up for communism.

sorry America.

But dont cast stones...a guy in spandex shorts, a collared shirt, and penny loafers hit a 25 ft. three pointer to take the lead on us with under a minute to go. he killed us all night because nobody wanted to make contact with him.. there was very little between the world and his manhood.

long live westernized sportswear
td shiznit

all time best thing i wrote on a rubberband,
LORD MAKE ME FAST & ACCURATE
(The Patriot)

couldga?,wouldga?, do ya mind?

2008-11-16T17:25:00.000-08:00

SEASONS GREETINGS S.i.B. PATRONS!

this is usually the order that we ask for a favor, even if we dont use the words. Probably because of the nature of favors, but its awkward none the less. I do not hesitate to ask for help in most situations. I hate being a burden to anyone but because I have a condition that won't allow me to say no if I can help it, I have the license to ask for favors. well... that is not entirely true.(explanation: If it is obvious that chairs/tables will have to be away, or put out I will dissappear like a black sock.) I admit that it is shameful but I would rather move a piano alone than put out folding chairs. I remember a time when I was eager to serve in that setting but I was a victim of lunch detention far too many times to voluntarily stack/unstack chairs and tables. The high school disciplinarian/handyman was a dear friend, so even if I was not due for "serving time" he found me at lunch with some smartass comment and TELL me, couldga, wouldga, do ya mind? helping clean-up. My No to NO condition forced me to agree. The worst part about lunch detention was the smell of taco-stackup that stuck to me until the next day when it was beef tips. So now I dissappear before the process begins because if i wait until it begins there is inevitably an old woman between me and the exit casting stones at my able body from her hov-around, with a half dozen metal chairs across her lap. If you need a favor dont hesitate to ask, just ask in this way, couldga? do ya mind? the other way is screwed up. if i admit that i could and that i dont mind, why ask if i would? you may even change the whole process by starting with a statement like, we have 4,000 chairs to put up and we already have 300 people helping but if YOU COULD & YOU DONT MIND, I would appreciate if you WOULD help out. ALSO, if the situation is more like, we have 4,000 chairs to put out and we only have 3 people helping... dont ask DO YOU MIND! I, He, & SHE MINDS! On a list of things that includes running a 10k after a 36 chicken wing sitting and Helping an 82 year old naked man get out of his oatmeal bath, i mind more about putting out 1,000 chairs but if you ask and I could, I WOULD! DO YOU MIND, shit, who are you kidding!

BRIEFLY ON TO A MORE WORTH-WHILE couldga wouldga NOTE:

HEROs
- MEREDITH BOYD - [(Rustonian) at least near ruston,la]
I am not up on all the details but Meredith saved a life recently. at the scene of a car accident she stopped a man from bleeding to death by putting pressure on his juggular(if thats in the neck) until help arrived. They told her that the man would have certainly died had she not rushed to his aid and done precisely what she did.

- JONESBORIAN TWINS -(high schoolers from jonesboro, la)
(unfortunately I dont know their names but i will edit this later with names.)
The two boys came upon a car that had left the road and crashed into a pond. They rushed over and one of them jumped in and pulled the female driver from the car and got her to land. Once she got there she began yelling, "MY BABY!" over and over, so the other twin jumped into the water and pulled the child from the car and brought he/she back safely to the mother!

I cannot grasp how crazy the scenes must have been and how quick these heros were to help and serve. What could be more thrilling than snatching a life from jaws of certain death? I guess maybe having your own life saved may be more thrilling, i mean after all you gained far more than the hero, but short of that i cannot think of anything.

BACK TO THE FOOLISHNESS!

My wife and I attended our first meeting of the Homeowners Association of Bayridge. The mail-out said that the meeting was mandatory so being the No to No push-overs that we are, we attended. Much to my dismay there no finger foods but there were free pens so it was not a total loss. There were too many stero-types fit for television sit-com to include but i will let you in a few. To equal the average age of those in attendance, you would have to sum my age and my wifes and multiply by atleast 1.65 and I had a headache from perfume enhalation. Needless to say they knew our daily coming-and-going schedule, which gives me great comfort since my studying at the library has my wife alone at home from time to time. She is well monitored and secure inside the compound. They asked for volunteers for a Christmas party planner and every eye in the room was set on my wife, including mine. I shifted in my chair and turned squarely towards her, with a serious wrinkled brow look as if to ask, WHATCHU GOIN DO? I was so proud when she looked across the crowd with an unwaivering sterness that said, YOU MAY AS WELL MOVE ON, CUZ I SURE AS HELL AINT PLANNING NO DAMN GERIATRIC MIXER!
I sat wondering what these old coggers thought of us. I know the ladies were making a list of things they could ask me to move, carry, kill..which reminded me to change my cell phone number and make my come-and-go schedule a little less predictable.

BY THE BIZZLE

i may have started the rubberband with writing on them thing. As a youngster, i wrote on rubberbands and put them on my wrist. I am not claiming that I came up with the idea but i am claiming that i started it around the beginning of the WWJD trend and before the Live Strong introduction. I actually got the idea from the produce aisle. The rubberbands that hold things like aspargus together have words on them and so I started writing stuff on rubberbands and then lance armstrong stole my idea. Thats why i know he took steroids, he will do anything to get ahead. i am kidding...about the steroids atleast.

Anyways life is good at the old folks home and my dearest apologies for not posting more frequently. If i am not better in the near future, I will shut this thing down and just get the email addresses of those interested in receiveing a quarterly publication.

Blunderously Yaws,

SHEEZY

justice failing

2008-10-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

justice is failing in football, golf(that one is personal) & a whole helluva lotta normal shiz. i am a fan of the N.O. Saints, and the LaTech Bulldawgs but have no other heartfelt loyalties in football so i watch most games objectively. I am sick and tired of celebration penalties. The whole "Act like You've Been there" argument is an out of touch perspective on competition. A lot of touchdowns are the culmination of an entire off-season of planning, practicing, recruiting, jelling and working through mistakes. other times they are the result of mistakes gone right, or crazy athletic freak-dom, so if the player "throws the ball up" or performs a dance he practiced in the dorm/lockerroom with his teammates, or waits for the other players to meet him there for a dogpile give 'em a minute to take in the moment. If you dont like it, you probably dont understand it. Sometimes players cant "act like they've been there" cuz they havent. Think about it, these games are not played in a vaccuum, they are played in front of millions, and scoring points is the goal. So when you cross the GOAL line, its ok to be excited, hell isnt it more asshole and European to set the ball down and jog back to the sideline like you deserve it, like you have better things you could be doing like yachting, rowing, or having tea with nobles and that football is just something you do because you are so damn good. GET A CLUE ignorant observer...that score matters so much more than the 6 points that go on the scoreboard. There is no telling how far back the emotion goes or where it is rooted. kids dont just pick a school or an nfl team... they get recruited, drafted traded to the team they are on... wouldnt you like to score the proverbial "touchdown" in your job and spike the proverbial ball right on your old employers proverbial logo in front of everyone that knows you, and the person that took your proverbial spot on the roster? or would you rather set the proverbial ball down politely and jog back to the proverbial sideline without a word? "let your play do the talking!" thats BULL SHIT, you and lou holts know it! Take this, a kid from Austin, Texas doesnt get an offer to UT but they have the nerve to ask him to walk-on..TCU finds a scholarship for him and he earns a spot on special teams his first year. TCU vs. UT... he blocks a punt, scoops and scores. The payoff for his hardwork is realized in front of thousands and thousands... this is not self-promotion, its showing the world that Texas messed up, and that TCU got a winner, a game-changer, a player that is gonna get it done! HE is sticking it to the man... and thats American. If you dont like America then i guess i am not talking to you and you shouldnt be reading this. Its not just a touchdown, none of them are just touchdowns or just sacks, or just interceptions! they are mountains of emotion, effort, mistakes, one-step forward two-steps back, crumbling in one enormous moment. I am telling you right now, if you cant get that, you are out of touch, emotionally constipated and you are probably better off reading the box scores, because you obviously cant handle the drama. better yet send me your email address and i will send you a list of winners for the week. i would hate for the final score to raise your blood pressure, because OU was winning by 30 at half time and scored another 28 points in the second half, you may feel sorry for the losing team and criticize the Stoops for running up the score. If you cant get that... my gosh, subscribe to the BIG TEN NETWORK.. GO to a WNBA GAME!!! GET AN ACCOUNT ON www.idontgetitandidontgetthatidontgetit.com/coffeeshop/norahjones/golfclap/boring

Break from the GOALLINE... my wife got a yorkie..WE(sorry goose) got a yorkie. YEAH a YORKIE! WHAT OF IT!?! Her name is LUCY and she is fat and has a bear face... I am man enough to love it and "puppy talk" her. I am also man enough to enjoy Gossip Girl, Grey's, and (back to the point) i am man enough to understand endzone dances, dogpiles, and fist pumps!
GET USED TO IT!!!

GOLF
LIPPED PUTTS provoke gasps, knee-bends, and profanity."Robbed" is the word of choice for my group but lipped putts are not unjust. They are hard to take but they are fair. UNFAIR is hitting a shot straight down the fairway, and finding it in the rough, or better yet not finding it at all. Are there warp zones that shoot your ball to The Villages(that would make sense, i mean how else can they give these Viagra addicts a life of luxury and free golf for practically nothing)? i guess they pass the savings on to the coggers. Maybe the Wimbledon Tennis ball boys spend their off-season keeping in shape and making ends meet by hustling muni-fairways for golf balls. I lose enough strokes and balls with bad shots. why do good drives dissappear with no explanation... The better the golf ball the better chance you have of losing it. I just want a fair shake.
Holding Penalties
i hate holding penalties. someone holds on every play. open field holds change games, i get that. i guess i have just been on the bad end more so much more than the good that i am bitter. that may not be a coincidence... since i cheer for losing teams and they probably need to hold more than the better teams. shit, somebody just send me the boxscores.
no i can deal with shitty penalties so long as DB's run around like they are crazy after an INT and D tackles shake their fat stomaches when they sack the QB!
down with cornhusker humility
LONG LIVE HIGHSTEPS & ENZONE SPIKES
-the shiz

JUST GIVIN' 'EM WHAT THEY WANT!

if you get it, call the commish.
if you dont get it, call Nancy Grace she thinks its cut 'n dry, black 'n white too.

... i need to lose weight, holla if ya hear me!

thick & thin & misplaced pens

2008-09-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

life has times best categorized best by words you are not comfortable using.
mostly profanity.. sometimes words like men using "cute" when their child touches their heart.
i have been warned by law school people that shutting this thing down would best.
well shit. i get to write without reason, rules, or a care in the world. im not denying myself the therapy of blurry thought turning into awful grammar and stream of consciousness reading. life aint easy damn it. its good as shit but harder than a sumbitch..no resolution...sometimes people got to do certain shit...(weak Life reference) thats what i need... here is something people never talk about... the noise your pee makes when it hits the water... i think about it every time i pee... i believe that everyone else does too.
my past was spent trying to keep up with a couple of pens... i bought twenty pens and left half at home put half in my car and put the half in my book bag*... i misplace pens... i dont want to stop misplacing pens... i just want to have a pen when i need it. i thick now days but i was thin...
i know there are three halves... i wasnt born yesterday... but thirds bother me... i mean half isnt half anymore its like ordering coke.. i got three half's big freaking deal...

predictions

2008-08-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

i predicted last year that..
LSU would win the National Championship..its in my blog...i also predicted that i would break par.. LSU won it and i Broke Par. i made some stupid ass prediction about Big Ben having a crush on Brady and that favre would change his name to Cal Ripken III...i want to make some predictions for this fall so that i will publish proof that i told you so...

- Saints win 11 games
- Big Ben has MVP(ish) season and i tell everyone he is a fluke and that he has a tattoo that says "My Fair Brady" in pink.
- LSU wins again.
- Michael Phelps is actually part Manning, part fish, part George Muresan(my giant)
- i win my fantasy league only to be stiffed on prize money (again)
- ESPN Outside The Lines does a special on my Baggo Exploits which highlights my ability to embrace adversity and distraction and beat people in ways they didnt know they could be beaten... and they interview Rob Owens and he complains that i lost to him at my bachelor party and that i lost money to him... and Paul Cavell will vouch for my history of finagling out of bets... only for me to be vindicated when a camera crew interviews everyone else that knows either one of them and paul is full of shit in general and they all say that rob is a sore winner and loser and that i won back the money fair and square and then Rob and Paul will not be available for comment..because Rob is at the bar "bouncing" and paul is creating some innovative way to make money doing nothing... Then Carson Palmers people call my people and challenges me and my teammate (patrick ramsey) to a Best of 5 series on pay-per-view at Madison Square Garden, which we inevitably win in 3 and put all naysayers..including Rob to rest.

imoana

2008-08-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

i moan to i just aint chet. (i am going to i just have not done it yet.)

sometimes phrases come out of the south that get made fun of, make people millions of dollars, make movies funnier, make it hard to get a sandwich.

these phrases also make it easy for people to feel stupid for being smart. so many southerners use this warped version of our language(educated and uneducated alike) that outsiders are laughed at when they dont know, what all coke can mean, what it means to be tarred, what it means to be fitna or fixinta. the same barrier is a problem for old folks understanding the youngsters.

there is no point to be made except maybe that i love the regional dialects that screws up outsiders and confuses teachers and parents.

imoana to write a book someday... as a child when i first learned the word adobe, my plan was to start a book with the sentence, "my name is Randall and i live in adobe hut." my goal at the time was to tell the story of a man living in a hut made of...whatever adobe huts are made of... that is just a stones throw from a city full of buildings, cars, high schools, cheerleaders, banks and all that shat. then i found out Inceno Man, was my idea just better because it was Brendon Frazier and he was a caveman that had been frozen and then thawed into the city scene by Polly Shore. then there was The Village that further limited my ability to distinguish my idea as original. i have decided on a new opening sentence... "The outlook wasnt brilliant for Randall of the adobe hut that day."(delay) sorry my editor told me that my book starts out a lot like "Casey at The Bat"...shit...back to square one... is that a good start? Shit...back to square one.

" 'Shit...back to square one!' said Randall as his adobe hut shrunk to a pile of grass, mud, and sticks. Randall had a keen sense of how to use profanity and cliches of the english language, though his isolation usually had him muttering only noises and grunts to show his emotion..." so now Randall is isolated for a long time... is randall to be played in the movie by Tom Hanks. Randall and his adobe hut and his isolation are dead... for now.

maybe i should write about a really good high school football team. no that would never sell.

New Book

Getting to know the guy

Main Character: BADASS

Name: Greydan Hackseer

Nickname: Hacksaw

Level of badassness: 100% badass (comes with the nickname of course)

Weirdest thing stacks eight nickels in front of his bedroom door, every night before he goes to bed.

Reason for "Weird Thing": Hacksaw is a hard sleeper... he does it so he will know if someone has been in his room at night.

*(i know you are thinking 'knowing someone has been in your room doesnt help anything!' ..well he is not worried about bodily harm or someone stealing stuff..who would steal or try to hurt a guy known as Hacksaw) he is just curious as to whether or not people come in his room while he is asleep. he is a very odd man, dont tell him that i said that he was odd. he is a badass.

imoana get in shape.

imoana help somebody with sumpn

imoana blog mo

imoana stop cussin so much in my damn blog

imoana learn from my mistakes

imoana shave in na moanin

Fantasy starts soon... get you popcorn ready.. the "Fighting Tom Bradys" have disbanded and now its "Me Against The World"

Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson News

i heard that after fines and threats of suspension for his antics the super star receiver has decided to quit fooling around and get serious.. how serious... well i have been told that he has filed the necessary paperwork to have his name legally changed to Chad Ocho Cinco.

Boy do i hope that its true.

i have now moved, as i planned to in previous blogs, to Jackson, Mississippi. i study more than ever and less than i should... law school is easy to enjoy when you are in class and know whats going on... its like getting the chance to prove yourself again and again everyday... that is kind of exciting. it also provides the opportunity to look like an idiot again and again everyday which is kind of not so exciting. i will be sitting down at a computer much more frequently now that i am not mowing and maintaining with Chino, and Jose, so imoana blog mo.

other names to make the new book...

Earl Hazzard

Guy Yarborough (he is an actual person..so if you know him dont tell him before i get the chance to ask him... he knows Hacksaw and i dont want no trouble.)

Lanny "Long Legs" White

You are too old mr. Quarterback, MOVE ON.

2008-07-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

i think i speak for all sports fans and especially nfl fans when i say to the old man quarterback... just retire and move on. i mean it would be great if you could play forever but Geritol isnt magical, its the beggining of the end. i am of course talking about... Vinny "da thing wit da thing" Testaverde...oh did you think i was talking about Favre? how could you? he is like a volvo with 300k miles on it... yeah its a station wagon with faded out paint, but while its ugly and sometimes you think maybe its time to drive it off a cliff...you love it.. because in the end... you nothing without those 300 thousand miles. when greats retire, you quickly reflect on things they did that you say never before and never again. i think, i am not sure, but i think, he will be the last real cowboy to fling it. the business of big city/big money football has risk- averse ivy leaguers in the front office sipping lattes and mineral water talking about how not to lose and researching if and why playoff success has anything to do with having a bigger jumbo tron..
of course i am embellishing or actually just stating a mental image as fact but Green Bay execs of yester-year... sat around a cheese platter and keg of old milwaukee and shot the shit with bart starr and talked about how vince lombardi took himself way too seriously. one of was probably hunting in georgia and just happened to hunt with favre.. found him to be an alright dude and an excellent caller of ducks. so at the next meeting of the minds, he invited brett to have a snap of snuff with him and his buddies. Everybody wanted to know if he ever saw elvis in the stands and they all took bets on favre throwing a football through a brick wall.. when he failed..it went double or nothing on wether he could throw the empty keg into lambeau from the parking lot... when he failed.. it went double or nothing again on prank calling john madden. they were simple smart and not worried about making a mistake.. is Rodgers going to be good?.. who knows.. is brett favre going to be good next year? who knows...but year after year.. you face the possibility that your qb is not going to produce like he has in the past but you have to believe that if your qb has a long history of enormous success.. its worth keeping him in to see if the smoke of years past still means fire for the future. green bay could actually win the super bowl next year... with favre the chances are much greater wouldnt you think? even an ivy leaguer couldnt bench the gun slinger if he could obtain the holy grail as soon as february

i want vick back and favre in green and shockey stay civil and deuce to get loose.

give the people what they really want...

sorry vincent.

tshiz

things people get away with

2008-07-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

I am moving to jackson, mississippi. My wife and I have made frequent one day trips there to plan our new life. We had lunch a local hotspot last week and I was shocked by their ties... It was full of suits young and old. Some youngsters were wearing bow ties. It is no doubt a southern thing but you must be trying hard to make a statement to wear a bow tie.. Even if it looks great on you. Of all the posers I saw wearing them, one heavy set young lad caught my eye. He looked sharp, approachable, and ready to succeed at whatever came his way.. This thought crossed my mind.. Would all these idiots wear nickers on the golf course in Scotland, or the little cowboy string ties to work in Ft. Worth, Texas? Anyway my point is one guy in the bunch made it look good and it made him look good.
One of my coaches from high school does the old point from the hip wave when he sees you around town.. He makes it look so cool that I wondered why everyone didn't do it.. Then I told my wife about it and tried "saying what's up" with the six shooter wave.. She laughed and made fun of how stupid it looked. It is not for everyone..the same goes for many hats..if the hat is good looking on the shelf or greg norman.. It may not look good on you. One of my "things" is that can wear pretty much any hat. ugly hats look good on me (except for shallow golf hats) .. My friend Adam says hats look good on me because my head is a perfect circle from a "birds eye view" a gift and a curse no doubt..
How do black guys make tank tops look good? Don't say because they are muscled up.. Fat black guys make big tank tops look good.. Put a heavy set white guy in a tank top and women and children will avoid him and guys will mock him.. Put a ripped up white guy in a michael jordan jersey and hes trying hard to be something he isn't.
DARE TO BE DIFFERENT!
But please research and choose wisely what looks good feels good and/or reflects well on you and those who love you and those that may not love you but are stuck being affected by the decisions you make! If you have any questions.. Post comments or check out a mirror!

Gosta gib 'em what day wonnt! MIA "the shiz"

Honorable mentions
- chin strap beards/ goatees
- white shoes/belts(men)
- popped collars
- leather anything
- cell phone belt clips
- winking at people
- I would say bald heads but that is something some people can't help.
- long hair
-

charles mucho caliente

2008-05-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

I will spare the loyal readers any long winded apology or excuse for what has been my longest drought. I have not even had writers block or a lack of appropriate topics.. I mean the BBQ tour is underway.. I do landscape maintenance with father and son hispaniola that don't habla eng eng english and I don't speak esp esp spanish. I don't spell very well in both languages so I got that going for me.. I am good at sharades though sharaids is a word too infrequently used for me to google and make sure I have it right.. After all I am phlogging.. Phonelogging=phlogging not the torcher technique and not a new slang word that you sheltered readers are trying to cross reference in your street beat magazine. Anyways I am trying to say that I have a lot to blog phlog.. Blog is short for web log..but if I tried e-log for phon(e log) it would seem like a knock off on weblog..
I sweat in 65degree temperatures so the recent spike in temperatures leaves me nothing short of miserable by one o clock everyday.. The mexicans candito and pueblo..last name I will not reveal.. I don't want them getting the wrong kind of attention..just take my word pueblo claims to be 21 and he is probably 13. Candito is probably 40 and is 4'6" tall cute as can be.. He rides bitch in the big truck and his feet dont even touch the hump in the floor. I will post pictures soon as I get them.. Anyways its hot as shit and the johnny messicos look at me and I just shake my head and they say mucho caliente? I say mucho mucho... They respond with no bueno? I say no freaking bueno.. They laugh at my fat shweaty ass..I am not sure how truck translates to spanish but I decided on la trucka.. And it sounds right but everytime I say it they laugh and say some shit in spanish and then say la trucka.haha.. It kind of makes me mad. I just want in on what's so damn funny.. Oh and bag in spanish sounds like balsa.. Which we told them translates to ballsack..it is my way of getting back at them for la trucka .. Balsa de Juevos.. Sorry for my crudeness.. Geurin is the only gringo that works with us since paul left.. Paul taught pueblo to say, "I like your sister" to which geurin added some profanity so now pueblo is gonna tell some meat head that he likes his sister and then call him something terrible.. Anyways I am tds to you or shawballs but to my amigos I am charlie.. My boss calls me shaw which said fast sounds like shawl which said fast over the roar of a lawnmower sounds like charles which turned into charlie..

Give em what they want.. Over and out!

Charlie

dreamed

2008-03-22T02:39:00.000-07:00

i dreamed recently that i was on a greyhound bus. i was seated with eli manning. he sat down and said 'ok shaw, how crazy is it that i was the qb on a super bowl winning team?' i said " on the team, dude you won the game'... he said as if more surprised than anyone, 'I KNOW!' he stated and kind of asked at the same time..' i mean you are probably like me, you are always just hoping to get away with a bad decision because i have pretty much decided thats all i make." i replied quickly, "oh without a doubt, most times i called plays i hoped what i was planning on doing would just by coincidence be the right choice but never did i think quickly enough to decide the exact right choice" he laughed and said, " that is exactly what i am talking about.... if plaxico would have dropped any ball all night we lose by four touchdowns, because i would have fallen apart, the momentum just never let up...and now here i am!..i got that behind me!" last thing he said before the dream got less realistic and overall bizarre...was " how good is Tom Brady?" i explained my feelings and then the bus stopped and we got off... he said 'there is someone i want you to meet" we stepped off and archie and peyton were standing at the door of the bus.. i stepped off and reached out for a handshake,, archie came in for the real thing though. he has an incredible memory in my dream... i met archie and peyton many years ago at a football camp, and archie quickly recognized me as a Ruston boy..."your from Jones country he said" he asked if i ever talk to bert and Dub jones anymore as if he remembered us being big buddies. peyton played it cool the entire time.. my dream kind of makes since to this point.. these are all people that america feels like they can relate to... eli then says to me, 'that is not who i wanted you to meet'.. the bus pulls off like it does on extreme home makeover.. and oprah is standing there yelling at me, with this big goofy grin on her face. we were outside then but in an instant we are standing in her living room and she is showing me her fabulous home. she is so happy to have me, and i am trying to figure out why... "your wife is going to be very jealous"...i got scared that my dream was going to be ruined by oprah putting the moves on me("nnnnothing happened"joe dirt ref.) she cleared it up when she said, "while i go get ready for my show... you should take a look around my closet...i entered into a room the size of a basketball gym full of jackets, womens shoes and purses.. my wife would be jealous... but my wife would have been tempted to steal and so it was best i guess it was my dream and eli manning thought i would appreciate a visit to harpo studios as much as anyone.

special thanks to greyhound busline for making all this possible and to sears for sponsoring extreme home makeover.

gotta gotta give em what they want.

shaw tim

there is no use fighting it

2008-03-22T01:45:00.001-07:00

there are things in life that you cannot help but to get excited about. first i think we all agree, that a hair comb is only exciting one day a year. that's right, picture day at school. they give out free combs and you are overjoyed to have this free comb. as a precursor to my constant words without action, i remember really thinking that with this free comb i will maintain my hair daily, perhaps hourly because i will keep it in my desk and never be without a comb. year after year though i would bend it, twist it, pull it, bop it, until it was no longer useful for creating a handsome part. i think i even once thought that i may fashion it into a shiv in case things got rough on the play ground with the proverbial 5th graders. 5th graders everywhere still think that they are bad ass.

i traveled recently to and from denver, co. i drove there and would have made a land speed record if it wasn't for hurricane conditions. i felt like Helen hunt and the least famous guy from Apollo 13. storm chasing..hood knows if no one else knows. this brings me to my next " no need in fighting it" point. you want storms to be bad. its true. you want destruction. you want to regret not buying batteries for the thirteen dead flashlights you have. you enjoy gathering candles and waiting til things get really nasty. i have even found myself hoping to be chased by a tornado. its sick i know but you feel it too. (i want some feedback on this)

ALCOHOL, CHEWING GUM, BOTTLE OF WATER, GINGER ALE
anyways, i flew back from denver. i had a lot of time in the denver airport and came to a strong conclusion. if you have a layover in an airport, you instinctively crave a beer. its like you rush to get to through the lines, checking bags, throwing away shampoo that wont fit in the Ziploc... then you find yourself at your gate for departure with 4 hours to burn. hurry up and wait. i always think, what if i leave and they announce that we are boarding early and i miss my flight. first off i entertain the thought of reading or writing. then i kill that thought and opt for a seat at the bar. i sometimes go months without having even one beer. put me in airport and i am like zach morris at a toga party. luckily for me though i am not getting behind the wheel of lisa turtles moms car... wow memory lane. its like 8 am and people are bellied up, " give me a gin and tonic hold the tonic add vodka.. make it a double. once i have sloshed down the alcohol, i panic about the bathroom situation. not the beer coursing through my bladder but the "big job" on a plane scare. i dont remember ever having done it but imagine it to be one of the most nerve racking humiliating events one can have. sealed cabin environment? are you kidding? so i make a stop at the bathroom as a precautionary measure. by the way, if you have reservations about public bathrooms, a study showed that the cleanest stall is the one closest to the entrance. people avoid it because either it seems like it would be the nastiest.. or because of the leg exposure that you get. by the way also, i will one day release the *taj ma"stall" list of great #2 rooms in the lower 48.
after that pit stop, i move to the vendor counter for a pack of gum. the first time i remember flying, my ears popped and i was miserable until this kind lady offered me a stick of juicy fruit.. that is my flight gum of choice if it can be had. i get a bottle of water because while traveling i usually eat very poorly. as if i ever dont eat poorly. i feel that a bottle of water begins the home healthier process.

once on the plane of course we get our peanuts, and of course i get ginger ale. i have ginger ale mostly for the novelty. i think airlines keep Canada Dry out of red figures. well airlines and grandmothers. well maybe canadians too. hell they probably do very well for themselves without my stereotypes. i am everywhere tonight. maybe thats because its 4 in the freaking morning and i am at work! Holiday Inn Express in Ruston, this is Tim, how can i be of assistance to you! 99.95.. oh thats too high? well go to the hojo and have roaches crawl up your nose while you sleep.. that was gross and my **noncents must end.

* my brother gave me that term for fine stalls

** in a heated text messaging debate i mispelled sense, sents, or cents.. and Patrick (aka Al Roker) called me out, stopping whatever momentum i had.

*** i really like when reference are cleared up with little shift 8's

gibb umm what day want!

night audit landscape extraordinaire.

shiz

runnin the road

2008-03-04T09:56:00.000-08:00

Thursday

i went fishing. bass fishin' that is. i put on an exhibition of course. the wind was frustrating but because i am a competitor and experienced angler, i pushed through with several big fish and a strong total for the day. even though fishing is somewhat sedentary i was exhausted when we finished. my guide(he may have been fishing too, i just cant remember because i was busy catching all the fish) viewed the day as a disappointment because we only caught about 15 fish. he pointed out when we were leaving that telling people we caught 15 fish would seem suspicious. so for all the naysayers out there we caught exactly 15 fish. had we caught 12 fish, yes i would have said we caught about 15 fish, had we caught 16 i would have probably said we caught about 20. by the way if you don't fish.. you need to. its one of those activities that makes you curse with excitement and curse out of frustration.

thursday night

road to houston in a 'BIG TRUCK'. that is what my wife calls eighteen wheelers. it was a big truck but we were not pulling a trailer which is known in the biz as bobtailed. we made good time cuz there were not many pigs or evil canevils out. plus we went around by grandmas house to miss the chicken coupes. i am not sure what all that means but it is CB talk. it means there were no cop cars or motorcycle cops out and about and we didnt have to stop at any rest areas because we went around the weigh stations. i fell asleep and woke up to find my father-in-law to have finished most of the work that i came to help him with. it was not a proud moment but it is a great testament to his ageless durability and effort to outwork kids nearly half his age. we arrived back in ruston after noon friday.

worked friday and saturday night.

sunday night

i went to a keith urban concert with my wife and her family. it was actually really good. i decide how much i enjoy concerts based on how willing i would be to go back. i would go back any time. i was surprised at how handsome he was.. i mean talented. talented. he played a mandoline and played his guitar like a drum... not at the same time but at different times during the event.. his songs are pop country-ish but it was very entertaining...i would recommend it.

i left the concert around 10:15 and drove to Lafayette. i made it in a landspeed record. i went there to caddy for a friend (buh, BP, B, brad) it was a bad day playing wise.. there were gale force winds against us or across us all day.we had three holes that i can remember that had a tail wind. one player in our group hit a 3 wood about 140 yds long and 60 yards off target.the shot was followed by the other two players including brad hitting a ball half as far as intended. brad shot his worst round in decades, but at the end of the day we had a good time.

now i am home and sleepy.

off to sleep.

weak and rather be fishin.

goodbye brett favre.

td

oferfebruary

2008-03-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

sorry about february. more to come in '08. i havent quit. keep on keepin on people.

gotta give 'em what they want.

shaw

madder'dan hail

2008-01-31T20:52:00.000-08:00

i red/reed my sister-in-laws(erin shaw) blog.. she blogged not long ago about how mad clothes hangers can make you...she claims they bring the worst out in her more quickly than anything else. i never get mad but do curse when dealing with all sorts of things including hangers. i am a mess and would be worse if i didnt use preventative maintenance techniques. you see..once in college i went to my closet to find a hanger and had no empties on the rack.. i was "garfunckled"(i know) confused. has someone raided my closet and taken only empty hangers? i turned and realized i had about seven hangers on the floor... how has this gone so long...i estimated that it was a month worth of hangers. i arrived at this estimate because i got three wears out of most shirts before hanging them back up.. and preferred t- shirts most days. so my method of prevention was to pull the shirt off the hanger and leave the hanger on the rack.. genius i know. anyways i have shallow closets in the scense that the width of the hanger is exactly the depth of my closet.. and it is not a big closet. so my frustration is not tied to tangled hangers in a pile because i never take them out of the closet.. but more that my closet is small and full of hangers that fit about the same as tupaware covers after the first wash.

by the way... when is one of the 16 csi shows gonna tackle the sock thief case, or the umbrella mystery. i should probably turn myself in for stealing umbrellas.. i dont remember ever stealing an umbrella but i know for damn sure i have not purchased the ones i have..i have a couple by the door and atleast one in my car.. maybe i black out and wander around town stealing umbrellas and leave the scene with out a trace. better yet maybe we have finally figured out the sharing thing..that there are only a relatively small number of umbrellas in the world and those that need an umbrella have them. maybe we can operate with other things the way we do with umbrellas. when you are leaving somewhere take what ever you can that the people you are leaving wont need or atleast wont need until some else shows up with enough items to fulfill such needs. this is not a good idea sorry. you wasted time reading that non sense. seriously though if you are in downtown ruston and find it raining.. shoot me an email or a text because i may have your umbrella. again sorry for stealing umbrellas and writing this horse shit.

long live david letterman.the true emperor of rome.
tds
livin lodge.

blowin smoke

2008-01-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

if i am honest and fair to myself i would have to say that i am unfair. which is hard for me since i am so often unfair. i dont give people truthful answers in regards to how well they are performing. this thought resurfaced in my mind this morning while hunting ducks.. which is somewhat of a "misappropriated"(casey p.) term. hunting after all should involve stalking and grabbing. i prefer hiding from ducks, and blasting them in the face with steel, a more appropriate appropriation of terms. anyways, hiding from ducks and tricking them into landing amongst a bunch of plastic ducks involves the use of duck calls. this is a skill that is learned through teaching and repetition. i have not repetitioned in about 5 years but this morning unfortunately i found that i was the most able caller in the blind(hiding spot). and in the words of austin fallin..."that aint good"! anywhosal.. dub(b. walker) was making calls and asking if it was any good and at first i said "not bad... that's pretty good" when honestly it sounded like squeaky breaks or a bear snoring.. bp(b. pullin) was giving it his all and grunting into the call with all his heart and the duck call just was not responding to his enthusiasm. brad won the hustle award..dub won the most enthusiastic.. i won the not scared to mess it all up award.. but in the midst of our debacle.. my thoughts went to church singers.. the platform for enthusiastic people to sing and Be patted on the back and told good job not matter how tone deaf they are or dumb they would better off be..this only to lead them to try out for american idol and Be shocked/crushed that Simon is laughing. i remember as about a 12 year old hearing some pretty girl sing in front of the church and people congratulating her on a job well done..when she really embarrassed herself..i thought back to it when american idol got big and people started asking..." how do these people not know?" positive re-enforcement is a double edge sword. a gift and a curse.. sometimes when the horse bucks you off its back...you should stay down, play dead.
after all its just a saying.

done blowin smoke!
tdavid ...out!

thanks for all the comments( lovers and haters)

getting my paypa. hells yeah.

2007-12-29T12:07:00.000-08:00

when i created strength in blunders, i was not doing it for the fame and fortune. it was to have an outlet for some thoughts, stories, theories, and vent sessions. but like barry bonds says, paraphrased 'guys like me dont walk to the plate thinking about hitting a homerun, i just want to see a good pitch to hit and try to hit it hard somewhere...if things go right i can get a little lift on the ball and drive it out of the park' i sit down to blog, hoping to roll through it, entertain and stop satisfied...if i turn out to be the greatest of all time, so be it. well i signed up, i agreed to put an advertisement at the bottom of the page.. and i get money everytime someone views my blog. i first blogged in july of this year and i dont want to brag or anything but to date i have accumulated a whopping $5.70!! i think i get about a half a penny everytime someone views my blog, so here is the math i have come up with.
based on half penny and 30 day months
that is 1140 views.

(B.N.S.) ben accounts for about 1 view a day
(P.A.R.) patrick accounts for about 1.5 views a day (based on testimony)
(J.D.M.) pockets accounts for about 1 view a day(based on number of comments)
(B.L.W) DUBle trouble 1 view a day
(T.D.S.) yours truly 7 per week. its obvious by how few i have done that i dont get on too much
(JHS) younger is good for 3 a week( about 77 total)
so after doing the math..
i cannot account for an estimated 160 views of this blog.
thanks so much to the patrons..if your initials arent listed above.. please comment and give me a better idea of who and when.

fat and lazy in 2007.

your boy.

T.D.S.

kfsdajl;l;asdfj;alskdfjk (no good title)

2007-12-18T18:47:00.000-08:00

i love the scene in movies that starts with a man plunging into dark waters. usual he is forced to jump into the waters because of eminent danger. The man, once in dark waters is disoriented, and asking himself why did i plunge into these dark waters(what the hell have i done moment)? Next it would show him take a proverbial deep breath, (of course not a actual deep breath For he is in dark waters), but rather that he takes a moment to calm down, before he starts fighting toward the surface of these deep dark waters. it is the point where the man realizes, that atleast for now...he is ok.
i am usually annoyed by people who watch action movies and react critically to long odd chances that characters. if the movie is called mission impossible, some pretty incredible stuff is gonna have to happen for the mission to be accomplished. " yeah right, cant nobody do that shit!"
but seriously..just once i want the main character find himself in eminent danger, take the plunge and hit the rocks on the way down. sick? i know. in the movie last of the mohicans, you expected everyone to find their way out of the danger and live happily ever after. instead, they gave the audience something to think and cry about. such is life.
sports, for this reason, are the greatest drama. the grand scheme has great players turn in to train wrecks(ryan leaf, Kijana Carter) oddly enough my brother and i saw both of these guys at a sports rehab facility. they were talking, i assumed they were wrestling with "what went wrong?" stories. we also see our favorite players mount last minute drives only to heave a last second hailmary, that is batted to the ground (hit the rocks on the way down). i am stopping this post here for sake of actually posting something in december but i will return with rich thought provoking bull shit.. or thoughtless ranting about beer, and my recent defection to brady fandom.(barf.. in my wifes words). i hate tom brady more than anyone else hates tom brady.. i have denied his brilliance as luck and fortunate circumstance and standby that as soon as this weeks games end, i will return to hating his pansy ass more than ever