Random Rants and Raves

Am I The Only One That Sees The Similarity????

2010-01-29T13:40:00.000-05:00

Watergate: The Presidential Scandal That Shook America

Powell's Books - PowellsBooks.Blog - Book News - In Memoriam: J. D. Salinger

2010-01-28T18:54:00.000-05:00

Powell's Books - PowellsBooks.Blog - Book News - In Memoriam: J. D. Salinger

In Memoriam: J. D. Salinger
Posted by Chris Bolton, January 28th, 2010
The legendarily reclusive author of The Catcher in the Rye and Franny and Zooey has passed away at the age of 91.

After the tremendous success of Catcher and his New Yorker short stories, which were collected in the book Nine Stories, Salinger removed himself from the public eye.

According to the Associated Press:

In 1999, New Hampshire neighbor Jerry Burt said the author had told him years earlier that he had written at least 15 unpublished books kept locked in a safe at his home.

"I love to write and I assure you I write regularly," Salinger said in a brief interview with the Baton Rouge (La.) Advocate in 1980. "But I write for myself, for my own pleasure. And I want to be left alone to do it."

Leading one to wonder if there will be a slew of posthumous works heading our way.

Remembrances from:
The New York Times
BBC News
Entertainment Weekly
More to come...

÷ ÷ ÷

Chris Bolton co-created Smash, an all-ages web-comic about a ten-year-old superhero, and created the web-series Wage Slaves, which premiered in July 2009. His short story set in Powell's City of Books, "The Red Room," can be found in Portland Noir.

The Harvard Psychedelic Club

2010-01-28T12:23:00.001-05:00

I just found what looks to be an excellant read! The Harvard Psychedelic Club: How Timothy Leary, Ram Dass, Huston Smith, and Andrew Weil Killed the Fifties and Ushered in a New Age for America . You can get in on Kindle too but I don't have that so I'm waiting for UPS to bring me mine!

This is written by some of the folks that were THERE. I'm thinking it'll be even better than the Electric Kool Aid Acid Test book and that was a blast!

http://www.amazon.com/Harvard-Psychedelic-Club-Timothy-Fifties/dp/0061655937/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264699172&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Electric-Kool-Aid-Acid-Test/dp/031242759X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264699434&sr=1-1

Haiti and the seismic weapon [Voltaire]

2010-01-28T11:18:00.000-05:00

HAARP in action again ? What do you think? Conspiracy?

Haiti and the seismic weapon [Voltaire]

Haiti: An Unwelcome Katrina Redux [Voltaire]

2010-01-28T11:17:00.000-05:00

Haiti: An Unwelcome Katrina Redux [Voltaire]

Why does the US have the 5th largest embassy in THE WORLD in one of our poorest nations? Haiti??? Why have we not been told that Haiti has vast oil resources?

Babies Having Babies

2010-01-27T10:54:00.000-05:00

It seems so darned easy but it's not. There are monthes...years in a row even that it seemed everyone and their brother was pregnant, getting pregnant, just had a kid or just got married.

The married thing still kind of bugs me. I've never been and in all liklihood never will be. Financially it makes no sense to marry even now that I've found the right man. It would actually be a big financial loss to marry.

But the baby thing. I know it is the most difficult job in the world. That's why I didn't take it. But not taking that job has its own heartaches that grow as I age. Not a regret mind you...not a regret. I am happy I didn't have children. I'm not cut out for it. Too hard and it never ends. I need to see an end to a thing I am going to do...having a child? No end in sight.

But I just wanted to point out that it is really hard NOT to get pregnant. NOT to join in with EVERYBODY else on the frigging planet. I see young GIRLS getting pregnant. These children cannot even spell...I see them on FaceBook typing away at home . . . living off their government check... waiting to go to school on government money... cause they just couldn't wait long enough to have a baby. Couldn't wait until they had something to offer the child...like a Father that might be there for it...or a profession with which they could support it. It seems to me that people are more introspective when buying a car or a new coat than they are before having a child.

One of my boyfriends daughters put it best. Her Father had heard she had a baby. He said to her; "I hear that you made a very adult decision recently"...she responded with ; "What decision did I make, Dad?" .. He said; "Why...you had a child" and she said; "Oh Dad! I didn't PLAN that!". I think children shouldn't be an afterthought...a thing that 'just happens'....is she actually going to tell the child later in life...you weren't planned when she asks? Because she will some day wonder who her Father is I would think...

Back on point. It is really hard when you go to the doctor for your papsmear and the room is filled with children, babies and pregnant people... It's hard when your friends are all getting pregnant and making new friends that have kids or are about to...you get left behind. You're not 'in the club'.

People (especially other women) act like you're less of a woman. I was joking with a little boy wearing a winter coat on a summer day and his Mom came running to tell me not to talk to him because I didn't have children and didn't know how to talk to one. A neighbor at my boyfriends place actually told us to move because it was a family apartment complex and we weren't a family~

Hard to make friends too. The older I get you'd think it'd be easier because their kids are out of the house by now...but now...still stories about them...stories I cannot relate to...not a lot of people my age without kids to relate to either....

Just last night my boyfriends daughter decided she wanted nothing more to do with me because I do not wish to be referred to as a step mother or as a grandmother to her children. I know it's only semantics and have let it 'slide' for years now but there is a reason I don't want to be referred to this way. I am not married to her father. I am not her step Mother. I have never had children..One of the benefits of this is that I'll never have to be called 'Grandma' and she's trying to ruin one of the best parts of not having children by forcing me into being called this name! I've suggested any other word...like Nonnie or whatever, but she is insistent...[see previous post].

One of the benefits of not reproducing (and there are quite a few like sleeping in late every day you want to) is that you don't necessarily have to age along with everyone else. You get to stay younger longer...younger inside...my own Mother refuses the traditional Jewish term Boubie...has her real grandchildren call her Nonnie instead as she says she feels younger....that she doesn't want to be a 'boubie'.

My Mom threw me out at 15. People told me to go to DHS and that they'd help me so I went. I was asked if I was pregnant. I told her I was still a child and no I was not. She asked do I have a baby? I told her no ... I am still a child. She said she had no options with which to help me unless I was pregnant.

I walked the streets with no where to call home. No where to lay my head and was told that the only help I could find would be if I was totally irresponsible and involved an innocent person in the mess my life had become. As young as I was, I still felt a responsibility to whatever child I might have. A responsibility to do my best to provide my future child with a Father and hopefully a way to support it with or without that Father. To be able to provide my child with everything I didn't have and more.

Where has this ethic gone? It's like all these little girls are from broken homes and don't see the problem with perpetuating that existence....

Conversation with my boyfriends daughter

2010-01-27T09:32:00.003-05:00

So how bad do you think I fucked up? I've tried to keep my mouth shut..it's only semantics but this kid keeps insisting I'm her step Mother and the Grandmother to her children. There is a reason I did not have children. Like I told her, had I known Jeffrey had children I truley doubt I'd have stayed with him. He never mentioned them because their mom wouldn't let him have communication with them.

I am the idiot that forced all of that to change. I am the idiot that has been championing his children to be reunited with him. I am the idiot that just abdicated that position. It's up to them now. He interfered and made me talk to my Mom again and it's been pure hell....why did I do this to him?

She and her twin came to stay with us for like 3 monthes when they were 14. The only thing we asked of them was to wait to get pregnant. It was all they could talk about! After they left we didn't hear from them much...

Laura called once from a crack house saying she'd had enough insanity and to please get her here so we went and charged a plane ticket and waited at the airport but she never got on the plane. Her father went bankrupt trying to pay that ticket and the phone bills [& extra expenses ]off from when they had been here but no one said a word to them. It wasn't the place of children to worry about these things.

We hear about Lisa being pregnant after she's had her first son. We hear Laura already had a child. No one bothered to tell us. We told the girls when they were here that having a child would totally alter their lives and make it virtually impossible to come back up north later and be with their Father. We tried to warn them.

Two days ago I get this post on FB from Lisa all freaked out because she has just realized (after her THIRD child) that she'll probably never see her Dad again. [Personally I think when she heard I had won the lottery she was 'put out' that I didn't run to spend thousands of dollars to get her and her family up here to visit...] She knows we cannot travel to her. It is not possible and nothing to do with money. She knew this when she left.

First post here is Lisa .. I had said something in a thread on her FB page and the conversation was starting to get pretty good and then her husband erased the entire thing! so it's her explaining why:

i wasn't talkin bout u at all when imade any of those comments, and i deleted that post bcuz ppl were gettin stupid bout it n lee was gettin pissed so its not worth it, and that lori woman wasnt 20 shes proly older than u. shes a crazy woman so thats y i deleted her. asnyways i guess im a very sad sad person,so...... w...hatever, i was talkin bout other ppl not u. unlike u i accept u as my step mother, but u always make it a point to say ur not my kids grandma which i find very weird.... but anyways tell my dad hiSee More

Lisa
that would kind of b like lees parents saying that my kids arent their grandkids,but they dont, theyre ore of a grandparent then any of their real ones r....

Yesterday at 7:43pm · Moreyn No it would be NOTHING like Lee's parents saying that. He is their Father, no? I do not mean to hurt your feelings that's the last thing in the world I want to do. If I'd have had a daughter I'd have wished her to be like you in every single way.What more could a person ask for? You are an incredibly empathetic, genuine, honest & loving person.

I like to think that I love you like you were my own, but that's not possible...I've never had my own to compare this love to. Nor will I have grandchildren. I want to love them that way but all I can do is love them.

I don't know what a Mother or a Grand Mothers love should feel like. I don't know that I've ever actually felt that love aimed directly at me. I'm doing the best I can but the labels leave me frozen. I don't deserve them..those are special words that mean specific things and I am not those things specifically. ... See More

And on that conversation? That was kind of fun and yes she was a bit of a nut! Was looking forward to my next response but when I went back it was all erased. I've never seen anyone erase an entire thread before. And sorry to Lee if he got mad. It's all supposed to be fun. You're right. If you're not having fun STOP DOING IT lol!

I will say "Hi" to your Dad now!!!!

Yesterday at 8:14pm · Moreyn I do not wish to refuse you or yours...only the terms with which it seems I must be labelled for some strange reason..

Yesterday at 8:42pm · Lisa
well every time i get something like a card it says grandpa jeffrey or whatever, that's the way it always is, you always label them as Jeffrey's grandkids. I don't know that seems kinda weird to me. But if you feel uncomfortable that's fine. But it just seems weird to me. why do you always cut yourself down and say you don't deserve those special ... See More
words? you do deserve the best in everything. Your a great person too, so why do you always cut yourself down. I would love for my children to be able to go to your guys house so bad, you have no idea, and i wish you guys could be in our lives soo much. It kills me. There's nothing i want more in life right now. All of the things i have are great, but i wish for you and dad to be able to be around us. wow i got to see my dad once... once since we all got seperated. And that's proly all i'll get to see him. It sucks! it sucks really bad. I wish it was easy to be able to get to see you guys. if i was a millionaire i'd be there ina heartbeat. But that's not the way it is. anyways, i dont' know who knows if something might happen to you or dad. and i only got to be with you guys for three months or four whatever it was out of my whole life....

Yesterday at 9:26pm · Moreyn He says Granpa Jeffrey so not to be confused with the other Grandpa [s]..I am not cutting myself down by saying I am not a Mother and will never be a Grand Mother. If you look those words up in a dictionary they mean what they mean and none of the descriptions fit ME. I chose not to have children so this is something I had dealt with years before meeting you or your Dad.

You have altered my entire life dear.

I had no plans to feel this way. I didn't even know your Dad had kids until we were already involved. Had I known - we might not have made it that far! I'm glad things happened the way they did cause I can't imagine my life without him.... See More

You including me in your family is the highest compliment ever thrown at me and that's why I've tried not to say any of this .talked to your Dad waaay back about it and he said just to say nothing- but we're talking about it .. I have no idea WHY we are talking about this again...it's kind of out of the blue so I'm figuring this has pissed you off all this time but you never said anything.

I love you Lisa. And I love your children whether I ever meet them or their Father .. I love them all because you love them and they are all a part of you. Because they love you and are good for you & to you I love them. I love you for who you are and for being so much a part of your Father.

How can you, three children and your husband travel all this way let alone..where would all of you stay?? Hotels are expensive & we have no room here for ourselves let alone 5 more! We cannot come there.The way the house is looking it might be ready for you and the kids to visit in 3 years...
doubt I'll be in it for another year[ if I'm extremely lucky].

I am truly sorry that Laura ran out of here so fast and that you were so hell bent on following her. I wish the two of you had given us more of a chance. I wish we had been better able to handle the responsibility and all the drastic changes two teenagers brought to our lives. We barely had time to 'almost' adjust and you were gone. It would've been nice for your Dad to have family near him. His Mom passed so long ago and he's been alone since.His Dad didn't want anything to do with him.

You both have family, own a home, life long friends and are grounded there. That's really nice. You have a couple Mom's and a Dad and Terri and sisters and their kids [when you're talking] and life is good. Don't get all freaked out! Why all of a sudden are you freaked about seeing your Dad? He's not going anywhere. It's okay. He's thin and so healthy it's sickening! And he loves you. I wish he'd use the darned puter though...at least to talk more to you, but he's like my Dad preferring the phone. OMGosh I'm going to stop babbling now. I hope we are still friends kiddo? I truly love you.

9 hours ago · Moreyn If you decide to suddenly hate me because I never wanted children that would be very strange. I've always been the same person. It's up to you I guess.

Lisa January 26 at 7:05pm Report

i guess if you want to be weird like this, then tell dad that if he ever wants to talk to me that he has my phone number. If i don't hear from him then oh well... i haven't had him in my life hardly my whole life so i guess it doesn't really matter. wow... really!

Moreyn
January 26 at 7:27pm

You keep saying ; "If you want to be weird like this"...I do not see how I am being weird at all. You asked me out of the clear blue sky why I am uncomfortable being called Grandma and this whole thing has escalated into something unrecognizable.

I was hoping your Father was more important to you than that. If you can say fuck him I don't need him...then wow! Just last night you were all freaked out at the THOUGHT of never seeing him again. Who will you be tomorrow? Who am I even talking to? You're all over the place!

Moreyn
January 26 at 7:30pm

If you want to hand your Father ultimatums give him a call. It's free for you to call him on your calling plan. You have his phone number, but your content to talk to him occassionally through me on FB instead of actually making your own connection with him. I guess that's the proof of his importance to you. Sad because you two are so alike in all the best ways. You are BOTH missing out on wonderful people for no reason at all. I just don't get it. I'm happy to stay stuck between you two until you can try talking to each other instead of through me, but don't be making me be anything that I am not. I yam what I yam. I have not changed.

I took all that down because it didnt' belong on display for the world. Shoulda asked me in a private email. If you're not ready for the answers you shouldn't ask the questions. YOU don't need this? You started this entire conversation! It's been nice for your Dad to see pictures of you and your family. Other than that he gets ZERO from either of you girls. Hopefully you won't punish him because of me. But hey...balls in your court.

Lisa
January 26 at 7:23pm Report

He doesn't get anything from any of us girls huh? i've been trying to keep in touch with him, i sent him my wedding dvd, i sent pictures, a xmas card... hmm nothing huh. I've called and said thank you to you guys and talked to him for how long. What is wrong with you Moreyn? how can you be so hurtful towards me? what am i supposed to give to my dad? huh? tell me? how can you sit there and say if you had a daughter you would wish her to be just like me? but yet you treat me like this?

YOu have been very rude to me in the things that you say, when you sent me the email saying that we should watch cnn and fox before i set any opinions in stone. that was rude the way you said that. so i thought why not be rude back and see how you like it? you don't. I'm not someone you can just push around, i stick up for myself i dont' let ppl push me around. well know what i think. I think that the whole time that i wasn't talking to my dad you liked it. and now i'm trying to talk to you more you don't like it. I tried talking to yoyu all the time on chat on here. but you never go on there anymore. I love you, but obviously you can't say the same bout me. well anyways, if u guys don't want to keep in touch fine. I'll delete you too. I should have never brought you guys back into my life just to get hurt again!!!! I'm sorry i tried finding you. and now why didn't you try to find me or laura on here in the first place? i always wondered that. You have been on here for longer than when i tried finding you on here. so why didn't you look for us?

I"m starting to wonder why my dad is with you now? I didn't think you were like this at all! but i guess i was wrong now here i sit again, hurt. weird. just fuck it.... i shouldn't even try. tell my dad bye. i tried..... it doesn't matter, obviously you guys dont want to see us.... i am not taking this shit that you can't come here either, that's a bunch of fucking bullshit!!!! just a lie cuz you dont' want to. well just tell me instead of beating around the bush you don't want me in your life!!!

Moreyn:

TELL HIM YOURSELF

When I sent that email about watching MSNBC as well as FOX to get a better view of today's news it was an email rather than being in the public thread...I thought I was being nice about it...posting it in the thread would've been rude.

This child seems to think that by saying IF I'd have reproduced I'd have been happy to see her qualities in my own child...that I WISH I HAD reproduced. I do not wish this~am very happy with my choice not to have a child.

She has cut me off of her FB account so I cannot say these things to her...probably best. If this is what having children is about..being attacked...I remain thrilled to be out of the club~

Couldn't Resist Sharing my Aiko Cat

2010-01-23T09:58:00.002-05:00

SES, Tessera debut new solar plant in Peoria - Phoenix Business Journal:

2010-01-23T09:47:00.000-05:00

SES, Tessera debut new solar plant in Peoria - Phoenix Business Journal:

Two New Yorkers Free After 'Drugs' Turn Out to be Candy - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News - FOXNews.com

2010-01-23T09:44:00.001-05:00

Two New Yorkers Free After 'Drugs' Turn Out to be Candy - Local News | News Articles | National News | US News - FOXNews.com

Posted using ShareThis

Crab riding a Giant Jellyfish!

2010-01-21T23:03:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy2i0zHPBW8&feature=player_embedded

Man banned from park for trying to have sex with tree | Say What?

2010-01-21T22:52:00.001-05:00

Man banned from park for trying to have sex with tree Say What?

Fitna the Movie

2010-01-21T13:07:00.001-05:00

This movie is 17 minutes long and you really need time to digest the insanity of it... The filmmaker is being tried for 'hate crimes' in the Netherlands which is so completely outrageous it further proves his point in making this cry for help...cry to anyone 'out there' to please see this for what it is before it's too late...I'm scared shitless now...how bout you?

Fitna the Movie

Hippo & the Tortoise Miracle

2010-01-21T11:54:00.003-05:00

(AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the
> tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong
> bond with a giant male century-old tortoise in an animal
> facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said.
>
>
> The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about
> 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki
> River into the Indian Ocean , then forced back to sh ore
> when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on
> December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.
>
> > 'It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a
> male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to
> be very happy with being a 'mother',' ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park , told AFP.
>
> > 'After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond.'They swim, eat and sleep together,' the ecologist added.
>
> ' The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it followed its mother.
> If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother,' Kahumbu added.
>
>
> 'The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and
> by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their
> mothers for four years,' he explained.
>
> We could all learn a lesson from these two creatures,
> 'Look beyond the differences and find a way to walk the path together.'
>
> >
> Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate.

Much Better than Pork!!!

2010-01-21T11:52:00.002-05:00

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it!"

Where Your Food Comes From

2010-01-21T11:52:00.001-05:00

Wonder why we aren't told these things. Maybe some of the American companies wouldn't be so quick
to move their companies overseas if we all boycott according to bar codes!
Can you differentiate which one is made in Taiwan or China ?
If the first 3 digits of the barcode are 690, 691 or 692, the product
is MADE IN CHINA 471 is Made in Taiwan .

This is our right to know, but the government and related departments never educate the public, therefore we have to RESCUE ourselves.
However, you may now refer to the barcode, remember if the first 3 digits are:
690-692 ... then it is MADE IN CHINA .
00 - 09 ... USA & CANADA
30 - 37 ... FRANCE
40 - 44 ... GERMANY
47 ... Taiwan
49 ... JAPAN
50 ... UK

Call Pat Robertson

2010-01-21T11:51:00.003-05:00

Call Pat Robertson @ 1 (800) 759-0700 to give your opinion of the statements he made re tragedy in Haiti, it costs HIM about $1 each call

The line is busy! But if you REALLY want to stick it to this clown, call his 800 number from a PAYPHONE! He will get hit with an extra $0.75 surcharge for dialing an 800 number from a payphone. I'll be up all night, next to a phone, dialing until I get through to excercise my 1st amendment rights.....

Pat wants to talk to each and every one of you. Give him a call, at his expense. 24 hours a day. 24-hour Prayer 1-800-759-0700. Let him know what a special guy you think he is.
And his phone answering donation collecting minions. Do it now.”

Convo with my Web provider lol

2010-01-21T11:51:00.002-05:00

Enjoy this back and forth with Webs.com...the 'host' of my site; GratefulDeadSunglasse.com.

..I was going to shut-er down, but thought I'd check when it was expiring first etc....

[04:05:14 PM] Danielle: Hello, how are you doing today?
[04:05:37 PM] moreyn kamenir: Hello! Doing great! Hope you are too. I'm wondering when I'm due to pay for the website next and why I can't seem to find my email ?
[04:06:02 PM] Danielle: Sure, what is your username?
[04:06:29 PM] moreyn kamenir: what I sign in with is: UncleJeffreysRoadsideCircus
[04:06:42 PM] Danielle: Thank you, I'll check on that right now.
[04:07:41 PM] Danielle: Looks like you have a domain on your account.
[04:08:07 PM] moreyn kamenir: gratefuldeadsunglasses.com
[04:08:19 PM] moreyn kamenir: had two
[04:08:14 PM] Danielle: gratefuldeadsunglasses.com expires on : 12/16/2010
[04:08:46 PM] moreyn kamenir: I know i just repaid for it
[04:09:32 PM] moreyn kamenir: website is usually due around my birthday 1/29
[04:09:23 PM] Danielle: Okay, what is your question?
[04:09:48 PM] moreyn kamenir: i want to know when the payment for the WEBSITE is due
[04:10:09 PM] moreyn kamenir: usually its around my birthday, 1/29
[04:12:02 PM] Danielle: I only see a domain on your account.
[04:12:17 PM] moreyn kamenir: ahhaha
[04:12:29 PM] moreyn kamenir: i've had a pro website a couple years now
[04:12:31 PM] moreyn kamenir: with you guys
[04:13:01 PM] moreyn kamenir: UncleJeffreysRoadsideCircus is the name of it
[04:13:52 PM] moreyn kamenir: I was just at the website...it's up and running lol
[04:16:21 PM] moreyn kamenir: Dont' stress...no one else can find my website either lol hahahaha
[04:17:10 PM] Danielle: Let me check that again for you.
[04:20:09 PM] moreyn kamenir: Yup its up...was just on it again...i pay you guys for it every year around this time...maybe you already took the money when i paid for the .com name or something...but I lost a couple weeks by renewing the .com early cause it used to be around christmas now its weeks before... lol...it's ALL messed up I guess. I don't care about the weeks and the .com stuff...only that you can locate what I pay you all for this is kinda funny actually
[04:25:01 PM] moreyn kamenir: maybe this is a sign that i shouldn't keep this website?
[04:25:29 PM] Danielle: I see that the Pro on your account has expired in December 2009.
[04:25:53 PM] moreyn kamenir: why?
[04:25:46 PM] Danielle: You would just have to purchase the annual subscription again and everything will be back to normal.
[04:26:01 PM] moreyn kamenir: sta range
[04:26:18 PM] moreyn kamenir: so my store is still up and running all this time for free?
[04:26:32 PM] moreyn kamenir: why should i bother if its no difference?
[04:27:11 PM] moreyn kamenir: hasn't affected my storefront or anything
[04:27:36 PM] moreyn kamenir: my dot com expires in december
[04:27:47 PM] moreyn kamenir: website always USED to expire in january
[04:30:03 PM] moreyn kamenir: so what are you shutting my site down now?
[04:30:14 PM] moreyn kamenir: whre'd you go?
[04:30:13 PM] Danielle: I'm not shutting your site down.
[04:30:24 PM] Danielle: I can create a support ticket for you requesting why the month has changed if you'd like.
[04:31:03 PM] moreyn kamenir: why are you telling me my site is not paid for and isn't up when it is up?
[04:31:11 PM] moreyn kamenir: the site is up
[04:31:14 PM] moreyn kamenir: if i hadn't paid
[04:31:16 PM] moreyn kamenir: it'd be down
[04:31:31 PM] Danielle: Your domain is fine.
[04:31:34 PM] Danielle: Your site is up.
[04:31:42 PM] Danielle: There is no package currently on the account.
[04:31:53 PM] moreyn kamenir: but the site is still a full pro site
[04:31:46 PM] Danielle: The Pro has expired.
[04:32:01 PM] moreyn kamenir: shopping cart
[04:32:04 PM] moreyn kamenir: store
[04:32:05 PM] moreyn kamenir: blogs
[04:32:05 PM] Danielle: That is included.
[04:32:24 PM] moreyn kamenir: in the pro
[04:32:51 PM] moreyn kamenir: what day in december did it stop being a pro site then, cause when i visit my site it is still pro in all appearance
[04:33:21 PM] moreyn kamenir: if you had downgraded me to a free site all that stuff woudl b different
[04:33:43 PM] Danielle: If you log into your account.
[04:33:57 PM] moreyn kamenir: i have and am
[04:33:53 PM] Danielle: It says, Account type: Custom Domain.
[04:34:03 PM] moreyn kamenir: but my site is the same
[04:34:14 PM] moreyn kamenir: so i can leave it like this
[04:34:21 PM] moreyn kamenir: all my items will still be for sale
[04:34:24 PM] moreyn kamenir: all i lose is what?
[04:34:26 PM] moreyn kamenir: nothing?
[04:35:09 PM] moreyn kamenir: it shows my two domain names with no expiration date on either one
[04:35:14 PM] Danielle: 12-02-2008 was the last time you purchase Pro.
[04:35:57 PM] Danielle: You have to click on manage domains to view the expiration dates.
[04:36:36 PM] moreyn kamenir: 12/16/10 for grateful dead sunglasses.com
[04:36:40 PM] moreyn kamenir: but that is the domain name
[04:36:32 PM] Danielle: Yes.
[04:36:46 PM] moreyn kamenir: i just transferred it back to you guys
[04:36:50 PM] moreyn kamenir: i was pirated last year
[04:37:04 PM] moreyn kamenir: i'm letting the other domain name go
[04:37:22 PM] moreyn kamenir: so somehow my being pirated and transferring it back
[04:37:26 PM] moreyn kamenir: moved my site date forward
[04:37:30 PM] moreyn kamenir: to dec 2
[04:37:37 PM] Danielle: You can keep your site the way it is, but you won't be able to add anything else.
[04:37:59 PM] moreyn kamenir: anything else?
[04:38:07 PM] moreyn kamenir: you mean if i delete a product
[04:38:10 PM] moreyn kamenir: i can't put anothe rin
[04:38:13 PM] moreyn kamenir: another in
[04:38:35 PM] moreyn kamenir: this is lame....what about bandwidth
[04:38:52 PM] moreyn kamenir: what did you charge me for this 'account'?
[04:38:49 PM] Danielle: You wouldn't be able to change anything.
[04:38:53 PM] Danielle: You'd need to upgrade again.
[04:39:27 PM] moreyn kamenir: so what was i charged for this 'custom domain ' account?
[04:39:50 PM] Danielle: Your domain is $19.95/year.
[04:40:07 PM] moreyn kamenir: and this website is free with it?
[04:40:27 PM] moreyn kamenir: what was i charged for the website?
[04:41:06 PM] Danielle: You haven't been charged for your website.
[04:41:14 PM] Danielle: The Pro has expired.
[04:41:31 PM] moreyn kamenir: but the site is up
[04:41:40 PM] Danielle: Have you been charged?
[04:42:17 PM] moreyn kamenir: You told me that my website package was called 'custom domain' what does a 'custom domain' website package COST?????
[04:42:38 PM] Danielle: 19.95/year.
[04:42:46 PM] Danielle: For your domain, as I stated above.
[04:43:36 PM] moreyn kamenir: but having been a pro site, it has more bells and whistles than a free account would have...so I just get if free for this year as long as I maintain the same products?
[04:43:54 PM] moreyn kamenir: and save the $250 i would've sent to you?
[04:44:37 PM] moreyn kamenir: just spend the ten bucks for mail forwarding and there is no diff
[04:45:50 PM] Danielle: Let me check on that.
[04:46:05 PM] Danielle: I believe you'll be okay, but you cannot change or add anything to your account.
[04:46:25 PM] moreyn kamenir: what would one add to ones account?
[04:46:44 PM] moreyn kamenir: you mean store products?
[04:46:52 PM] moreyn kamenir: like i cannot edit my pages any more?
[04:47:35 PM] moreyn kamenir: or change my name or address?
[04:48:07 PM] moreyn kamenir: I get to keep my bandwidth too!!!
[04:48:04 PM] Danielle: You will get a grace period but eventually your site will get frozen if you don't renew.
[04:48:28 PM] moreyn kamenir: ok now that sounds a bit more north american lol
[04:48:40 PM] moreyn kamenir: and this grace period is probably about up
[04:49:29 PM] moreyn kamenir: what is my cut off date please? I've been trying to figure whether to keep this site going....
[04:49:50 PM] Danielle: One moment.
[04:50:02 PM] moreyn kamenir: ty
[04:50:03 PM] Danielle: You're Welcome.
[04:51:49 PM] Danielle: Not sure on the exact time.
[04:52:10 PM] moreyn kamenir: Me neither

How I Lost My Family...(I Guess)

2009-05-17T23:05:00.001-04:00

I’m watching a tv show about how hard it’s getting nowadays just to eat. One older woman gets her social security check on the third of the month and by the 7th she has nothing. Another man probably in his late 50’s spoke of how he had all the credit cards, bought only the best foods and now was happy to afford a package of hot dogs.
This tears at my heart. Pulls the tears from my eyes to see a woman in her 80’s with nothing but a green pepper in her icebox in what was once the richest nation in the world.
You’ll laugh to hear that my biggest fear is winding up on the streets alone. A bag lady. Why is that funny? Well, because at 15 that’s exactly what I was. The beauty of it was that I was completely unaware that that is what I was. Youth is blindingly kind in that way. The hard times always seem not so hard in retrospect, but the hard times are not as hard when bestowed upon youth as well.
I spent the night out and didn’t call my Mom & Step dad. Horror of horrors. My Mother and my girlfriends Mother showed up at the door of the apartment we were at the night before. She made the mistake of calling home, I think. They drove us to the Police Station. I don’t remember what happened to Suzi, but my Mom wanted to teach me a lesson by putting me in jail for not coming home…’running away’.
I had left home once before. Got all my stuff in the middle of the night to the airport and loaded on a plane. I was moving to my birth Fathers home in Illinois or so I thought. They announced my flight and as I stood to walk to the plane, my stepfather walked in with a cop on each arm and they stuck me in juvenile hall. It wasn’t going to happen a second time.
They told her that it was kind of abusing the system, but for a monetary trade, they would keep me for a while and send me to Juvenile hall, but on her dime. She couldn’t authorize a transaction like this without my Step Fathers approval so she brought me home to face his wrath. After the arguing what it boiled down to was his announcement. He said that he was going for a walk around the block and when he returned he would hope that my Mother could make a decision by then. Me or him. He stormed out.
She just looked at me. Her face was frightened. I could tell that she loved me. I could also tell that she had been put in a position that was such that she could not win with any decision. We had backed her into a corner. Him by ultimatum, me by my poor behavior. My Mother raised two little girls alone. She didn’t want to be alone again. She was in her 40’s and this was the first time she had ever lived in a real house instead of an apartment. She couldn’t drive a car to work and support me on her own. I could see the wheels turning and the wall she was up against.
I looked at her and I remember not being able to inhale. I was frozen. I finally took a deep breath and said that I’d leave. I told her it was entirely unfair for him to put the decision on her shoulders like that. That I would make the decision for her. I would leave.
I stood up and walked into my room in a numb daze. I pulled the suitcase my Father had bought for me and started putting just my basic necessities of clothing inside. As I was walking out the front door, Marty came back and pulled the suitcase out of my hand announcing that I was not to leave with a stitch that he had bought for me. That if I love my birth Father so much…I could only take what he had bought for me.
I left my Mothers home with no coat & no shoes on my feet. No change of clothing. Just me walking down the street alone. A feeling of exileration overtook me as my feet moved faster and faster away from the man that had tortured my childhoods end. You may think I am overdramatic here….I’m sure my family would upon reading this (if they bothered). This man chased my older sister around the dining room table. She ran away to live with our birth Father after that. I think I was too young to fully appreciate that he wasn’t chasing her with a spanking in mind, if you know what I mean. If not, I’ll spell it out a little better. After Marla moved out, he took to coming in my room to tuck me in. We would tickle and giggle and it was nice at first. Then he’d tickle a little too long. Breath a little too hard and weird. Sometimes he’d come in my room and make funny noises behind the closed door while watching what he thought was me sleeping. I could never make out his form in the dark room, but years later, I can recognize the strange noises that would eminate from him. He is a sick monster as far as I am concerned.
　
[Now here is something that should really make a person just fall on the floor laughing. Two weeks ago I turned 50. ( Happy Birthday, we love you so much!) So I get this call from my Mom and the day I left her house the last time is brought up. She tells me that I moved out because I ‘couldn’t live by their rules’. I remind her of the actual conversation…the one where Marty tells her it’s me or him…she tells me that this never happened. That I left because “You just couldn’t follow our rules”. OMG. I said, Mom…Dontcha think if that’s all it woulda took to get out of that house I’d have been gone years before that? How can you not remember him giving you that ultimatum?…Apparantly it never happened. That was my 50th birth day present from my ‘Mother’. Oh. And also the little bombshell she dropped when I asked if there was anything I could do to make her transition away from Marty any easier…she told me that she has family nearby that will help her. Family that went through this with her. Wow!]
　
So. Living on the streets. I went to the apartment where I had partied the night before. I had no where else to go. The man that lived there was Reid Hoeffer. He said that I could stay. So now I was living with a man pretty much 10 years my senior that I had met the night before. Lovely. I got a job at H.Salt Fish N Chips that first week. Then I worked at Winchell’s donuts. I tried to do the right thing. I lost my job because I got very, very sick. To this day I don’t know what happened to me, but I’m pretty sure that I had Hepatitis B. I was hallucinating for days unable to eat and my urine was very, very dark. [Since being diagnosed with Hepatitis C, they told me that I have had B or been exposed to it at some point in my past.]
Living with Reid was okay, but I was suffering from malnutrition. My stomach distended and the circles under my eyes grew ever darker… I was made aware of this by my Mother. I do not remember exactly what month I was thrown out of my Mothers home or how long it took to call her the first time…Must’ve been a couple months that I’d been gone. I just know that Passover was coming and I wanted to make a meal for my new friends for my holiday. I called Mom and she said that if I came over soon and left before Marty came home, that she’d be very happy if I’d come over. It was a very long walk.
I remember her looking me up and down and tears streaming down her face. The visit is a blur to this day. I remember her face. I remember that the house wasn’t my house anymore. It didn’t feel like my house anymore. I remember looking at the dining room table that she and I had sat at when Marty gave us his ultimatum… Just looking at it. It seemed smaller. I left with two huge bags of food and once again…it was a LONG walk.
There was a guy in the apartment next to Reid’s…Gary Johnston. He was in his mid 30’s and the greatest big brother ever created. He and I would walk for hours and hours and talk. We’d find homes for sale or rent and look inside of them and talk about where we’d put furniture and which room would be which.
Gary taught me about music, too. It was right when Freddy Fender was big. He really dug Freddy Fender. Gary also taught me about Hendrix, Joplin, the Ohio Players, Leon Russell and more. Gary couldn’t believe it when I told him I wanted to go and see Leonard Skynard and the Outlaws for my first concert. He said with all the great music around today…THAT’S who you want to go see?!! I said yes, listen to the exciting commercial! He groaned and said he would take me. I asked could he also get a ticket for Mark, the fellow I was seeing behind Reid’s back and in front of it? He said okay, but then had to also buy one for Reid who tried to ruin the concert before we all walked away from him!
Gary was so sweet. If you listen to the live album…at the end of green grass and high tides forever (Outlaws) , you will hear Gary’s crazy high pitched laugh at the end of the track. I loved him so much. When I saw Mark last time in 1994 he told me that Gary was dead. And that my love Denis Harter was also dead…
Mark. HMJ Quick. As funny looking as he sounds by name. When he first walked into Reid’s apartment, he was moving back into his parents home at 24-25 after a failed 5 or 6 year relationship with a girl he left in San Diego. He left his vehicle - trailer attached - and came into Reids before going to his folks. He walked in the front door while Suzi and I were sitting in the kitchen at the nook talking and by the way tripping our tits off. I turned my head to look at him and was sure I was hallucinating! I had to walk closer and look at him before I ran back to Suzi and we were laughing so hard because his face was so funny looking when he walked into the kitchen to ask us ‘girls’ what was so funny? His delivery was sexy, but his face seemed mismatched and we started laughing all over again. We couldn’t tell him what we were laughing at was him! He thought it had something to do with the fact that we were eating ice cream with pickles and let it go.
That night I went for a walk with him and had the most amazing sex I had ever encountered in my young life. Remember this was the promiscuous 70’s and by 15, I’d already been with a half dozen men. I couldn’t stay away from him and Reid figured it out. It didn’t matter to me at the time. It was that first love thing. That overwhelming lemmings into the sea feeling that nothing mattered as long as he cared for me. Reid threw me out. Duh. Should’ve seen that coming I guess!
Now I really was living in the streets. Mark took me home to his parent house. His Mom was sweet and his Dad wanted no part of me. We finally figured out why his parents didn’t want me in their home when his Mother cracked with the information that Reid had come by to have a ‘chat’ with her and explained that I was under age. Jail bait if you will. We tried in vain to explain that my parents did not care about what happened to me. There would not be any police reports about anything. They were too worried to have me there, so he walked out into the field next to his apartments with me till we came to a clump of trees. Inside that clump of trees was a mattress! It was the local ‘boffing’ place for the local kids to come get high or fuck. You couldn’t even see the mattress if you were standing right next to the trees…it was very cool.
I lived in the clump of trees on the boffing mattress between his housing tract and Los Olivos barrios. It was okay by me. As long as I was near him…that was all that mattered. It was this all consuming passion that nothing ever came close to touching my entire life. Sometimes I could sleep in my friend John Weschleburgers car in his garage by his moms home. Once he brought me inside to crash, but got angry that I wouldn’t have sex with him. I stopped relying on him after that. Heck! I got a job at Pick N Save as a cashier and my own Uncle took me to his apartment and came on to me! He was my boss there. I had to quit that job.
　
　
　

Support is there

2009-05-17T21:50:00.002-04:00

Well, I had a friend stop by and another call. I'm thinking my guy is worried about me...what with work about to hit us square in the face and me sitting around crying for the last couple of days... It's nice that people care...and they have truly helped with their insight.

Three people that I respect have told me that I made the right decision in telling my Mom's secrets to my brother. I mean it was the 'right thing to do'...let him know that his Father is being treated with dignity. And if my 'family' find out that I told him...what have I lost? A dream that will never come true. A fantasy that I've kept alive to my own detriment for the last 35 years.

If you cannot tell ... I have been drinking these last few days. Drinking whiskey with my stepFather. So I apologize if I've been repeating myself, but things are 'stuck in my craw' so to speak...

More Tears

2009-05-17T15:21:00.002-04:00

My brother called today furious with my sister. He has every right. I now know what kind of person she really is. She told him to stop calling her for information and to contact her lawyer if he has any further questions. Hell of a way to make him comfortable at his Fathers graveside.

My 'family' is cheating him and his family out of saying good-bye to their Father, ex-Husband, Grandfather, Brother... They will never get to stand at the grave and say good-bye. My step-Father's grave will be surrounded by people that hated him pretending to mourn. My Mom told me that the other night they held a 'wake' of sorts where all the grandkids etc. got up to tell stories about my Step Dad....all I could think is that none of them EVER loved him and that his death has turned into a complete farce. A show the living are putting on for my Mom.

I'm kind of glad my brother doesn't want to attend ... he said even if he knew where and when his Father were being buried, he would not attend because my 'family' would be there. I'm glad because I feel I would have to go with him to make sure he wasn't alone....to make sure he didn't do anything stupid to my sister or Mom to get himself into trouble. They deserve anything he might do to them...I just don't want him getting into trouble over this.

Years ago when I first got online, my cousin contacted me and I thought how great this machine is that we can become friends again! One thing led to another ... she finally ended our communications by telling me that I don't love my Mom and that I'd probably not even show up for her funeral. That was the day I decided that I would not show up for her funeral. Now if I go for my step Dad's it'd be even worse not to go to my Moms...

So here I go again admitting to myself and all of you that my 'family's' opinions still matter to me no matter how much they cut me off...I still care. I wish I could stop. Genuinely wish I could stop caring.

So Now What Do I Do?

2009-05-17T05:15:00.003-04:00

So what am I supposed to do with all of this now? Once again I was finished with both Mom & sister and now Mom has reeled me back in.

I must've been one horrible teenager....I've blocked so much out....

After this summer, my doctor agrees that I would be a good candidate for past life regression.

It has taken me 35 years to find a 'shrink' that I trust.

This might be my only way to live a sane life.

Another Call From Mommy

2009-05-17T00:15:00.004-04:00

Well...no one seems able to remember the exact date and I wasn't there. It was somewhere between May 11th and the 13th when my step father passed away. Alone in the mobile home my Mom was fighting over with him during the divorce....now she says she will not live there, it's just too big.

My step brother called me immediately when he heard from my sister. Yes you heard that right. My sister called Marty's son first. That was the right thing to do. But she never called me. Brother and I have been calling back and forth trying to make sense of what happened...with no information. Poor dude. He was feeling so innefective...so helpless. That's hard for a man to do and stay quiet and patient. At least in my experience. Testosterone won't usually allow for it. And it didn't. He said things to my sister that he can't take back and I highly doubt he'd want to...unless they'd just tell him step by step what happened to his Father instead of calling to tell him how the carpet had to be removed by the haz-mat team. Why did she do that to him? When I told my Mom today that I felt that information was not something she had needed to share with the deceased 's son...she proceded to go into further detail for me...his adopted daughter. Lovely. He wants to know what his dad was wearing and what room he was in. Whether it was fast or slow...was he in pain? When my brother called me he didn't tell me any of this information. My guess is my sister didn't bother to tell him. I think that she is cold and callous.

I do not understand why Mom will not talk to my brother and why she is so insistant that I not speak to him. Does she not understand how many times she has hurt me...decimated me in my life? She and my sister? Does she not understand that he has never hurt me?

I do. That's the important part.

She tells me today how I should listen to her because he has said so many hurtful things to my sister about his Dads treatment before his death. I wonder if she'll ever stop to think about HIS feelings in all of this. Doubtful. From what I've known of she and my sister these last 35 years they haven't cared one whit about my feelings and we share blood. It's weird because it was my Mother that taught me about empathy. Do people change that much? Mom was like a Mom to my brother...then NOT. I still don't get why it happened and neither does he. She says strings of words for reasons but I do not understand them... it still makes no sense.

So she calls today right? I don't want to answer...I hesitate...shit..I pick it up and say hello. After the initial hello I ask her how is she doing 'with all that has happened'...she stammers...'you....you know?' 'Who told you?'..

'My brother called.'

Instant anger from her. She tells me how my sister has been trying every day to call me but the phone just rings and rings. I tell her I've been in the house and the phone is next to my chair. My suggestion is that perhaps my sister was dialing the wrong number and that if she called me more often than every twenty years or so...she might have the number handier. [My thought is that she was dialing my other number on purpose...trying NOT to talk to me, but still be honest when telling Mom she had been trying to get ahold of me.]Mom tells me she doesn't want to get into it about me and my sister. And in that moment I had a flash.

I actually think that my sister didn't want me around her children and that is why she has ostracized me from her family. I'm glad I got to warn her oldest not to mess up. Sweet little thing...second time I met her she asked me...'How come they talk all mean about you all the time, but when you're here they don't? They're nice to your face...'. Should take a lot of cues from that question....I told her not to mess up and run away....or do bad things where you fight with your family because I was her example of what happens.

If you mess up...they won't ever let you back in...they won't ever truly love you again. I think I was right. I'm not allowed to change in their eyes or they would've been wrong all of this time. And nothing is worse than being wrong. They'd rather torture me for another fifty years by reeling me in and tossing me back out to sea. Over and over and over again...

So my step Dad has passed away. We don't know when exactly. We still don't know why. It seems odd how my Mom went on and on about his assets and how they were all hers. She reminded me of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings. I told her what I've told her the last twenty years. I told her that if he did leave me anything I'd send it right back to her, because she earned it. She almost lost it tripping over her self telling me how everything is hers. She is the wife.Everything goes to her....wow....I think she has changed. More likely though is my brother makes her feel threatened. I think he'd be happy with what my Step Dad always said was to be his...his rings...at the very least, the pinky ring with the blue sapphire. That was the one in my memory that was supposed to go to him.

I just think it's wrong that they are burying him and not allowing any input from his son. Just plain wrong. I hope that my Father has everything written down before hand and in a safe place with an honest person, because I don't want to deal with that garbage. I will walk away if he leaves me no armour with which to protect him, like my step dad did.

I do not want to deal with my sister or her family ever again. My Mom I will have to continue to deal with I guess...I don't know how to tell her how I really feel...but to tell you the truth...that day is getting awfully close...I almost did it today, but it was kinda bad timing.

Mothers Day Thoughts

2009-05-11T15:12:00.002-04:00

For my 50th birthday I got a call from my Mom who is going through severe life changes right now. I kept offering to help in any way I could in response to her telling me about what is going on with her. The response was that she told me she already had 'family near her' that had 'been a part of her life throughout this mess'...oh, and happy birthday.

The 'mess' is my step-father. The man who put me out on the street at 15. I think I'm kind of familiar with his brand of terrorizing people and might be of some assitance. And being solvant for the first time in my 50 years...perhaps I could chip in and help her find a place...did she need pocket money? Those type things...I could help. No one was there to help me at 15 when he sent me barefooted and coatless out into the world. He took my suitcase from me as I left and took out anything he might have bought for me. Nice, huh?

So now what to do about Mothers day? I really didn't want a repeat of my happy birthday call that really made my 50th memorable. So I sent a card. That was another fun time! Did you ever try to buy a Mothers Day card for a woman who just sat there and let her husband do what he did to me? A woman who for the last 35 years has told me she would love to call me regularly, but that my step father wouldn't allow her to. (Ever hear of a phone booth and a phone card?) In my twenties I was stable from 19-24. Same place same phone number. I used to make up reasons to call her. How do you make this, Mom? What should I do, Mom? I didn't need her input...I just needed her and this was a way to open lines of communication.

There are not Mothers Day cards for the Mother who didn't love you. They all go on and on about how 'she was there for you' and 'always made you laugh'...They all speak of unquestionable love...maternal passions. This would be a real money maker for some one. Create a line of greeting cards for dysfunctional families. I hear there already is one and that in real cities you can go to a store and find this. Not as far as I've heard of up in Maine though...

Suffice to say I feel I've let her down on her holiday. I've always defended her...all these decades since she let him throw me out. Choosing to remember the Mommy of my youth. My best freind for my first 10 or 11 years.

Until she remarried.

My sister ran away immediatly as he made advances towards her. Mom would make him leave my room because he insisted on tucking me in at night and he would make me feel very uncomfortable when he did. There is more, but not worth going into. You don't need to know it all. Skip ahead to high school. He told her one day that he was going for a walk around the block and when he returned he expected an answer from her...it was to be either him or I...she had to choose. Then he walked out.

She sat there crying...just looking at me with eyes leaking tears...she didn't want to be put into this position. I made her decision for her and left...thats when he walked in and went through my suitcase as mentioned earlier.

When she spoke to me on my 'birthday' she told me that none of that had ever happened. It is burnt into my brain as the turning point of my life. I admit that I have a bad memory, okay? I forget a lot of things. Not this. Never this. Never.

I can understand that guilt...depression...whatever emotion it took, managed to wipe this memory from my Mothers brain. I get why people do that. I've never been blessed with that ability. I remember the beatings from Bruce and David, my 'boyfriends' clearly. I remember being raped shortly after I left my parent home. I remember it vividly. Some things just plain stick with you no matter what you do. They call it PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The incident will replay as long as you live as clearly as it was a minute ago. Nothing changes. It is the same memory over and over. The same startling nightmares week after year... It doesn't change...ever. It can't. It is replaying because my brain can't wrap around the realities I've endured and is still trying to find a way to rationalize irrationalities. Until I can understand the things I've been through and let go...it will continue. And it does.

So I guess it's time for me to live my own life finally. I only sent the card. No flowers. No phone call. Impersonal piece of paper seems to be what might make her happy so that's what I did. There are no pictures of me growing up. The old report cards have all been thrown away.

I visited her almost 20 years ago in Illinois. Answering her phone as she was at the laundry room downstairs, I was speaking to a woman who claimed to be her 'best friend' and did not know that my Mother had had two children. Only knew about my older sister. Why have I continued to try to talk to my Mom and older sister for the last 35 years? I think I've always missed how close the three of us were growing up. Us three against the world.

It's time to wake up and smelll the coffee. There is no room in their lives for me. And they are not the same as they were any more than I could expect to be.

It hurts...I didn't leave because I wanted to, like Mom said for my birthday. I left because there was no alternative. I could not stay in the hell that was her husband's life and keep my sanity.

I also just realized what she means (Mom) when she says that she 'did the best with what she had'....what she had? what she had was ME. It's not about a house or money...she was talking about me! She did the best she could with the inferior product that was me. She still despises my real Father...unable to let go of past indignities...unable completely. Unwilling I should say. Gee we are a bit alike, but with me I have no choice. Something has short circuited in my brain. With her, she simply re-writes history and tells me things didn't even happen. They didn't according to her selective memory.

I cried for about a year some time in my 20's...can't remember the exact time, but I've already mourned the loss of my Mother. It's something you don't get over. You'll always miss her so I'm just going to keep keeping on missing a woman that never actually existed. Old classmates have been helping me to remember times past. Sending me class pictures with me in them. I was dressed funny. Different from the others. Younger clothing like I was still 5 or 6 and I was 11 years old. No wonder the other kids made fun of me and ostracized me! It wasn't me...it was how silly I looked!

So it is time to grow up. I am 50 years old now and need to face reality. My family has gone on without me and does not want me to be a part of it. I've been on FaceBook since October 08 ... it is now May 09 and my sister has contacted me one time. To ask me to relay any information about Mom's last husband that I could to help Mom. Asking me to spy through my step brother. I told her NO. My step brother has visited me. He calls occassionally. He is more 'family' than my own sister and Mother. Why would I betray his trust for them? Give me one good reason? There aren't any.

So I've never heard from her or her kids again. I've since deleted my Facebook 'freindships' with all three of them. Only my sister and her youngest noticed and asked to be freinded again. Then I realized that her youngest is the reason my Dad and sister are no longer talking...(another long story but she is a bit of a snake...say anything to get what she wants) so I un freinded her youngest. She hasn't cared to refreind or maybe got the message. As of today my sister is still on my friends list, but I really don't know why. There is no point to it. She answers other people on FB but never me. There is no room in her oh so busy life for me. No 'need'. If she 'needs' something I'll hear from her. Other than that I don't exist. Screw her too.

Facebook | Message: Please Help Adult Survivors and Children in NY

2009-03-22T01:02:00.000-04:00

Facebook Message: Please Help Adult Survivors and Children in NY: "5"
Today at 12:21am
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The Awareness Center, Inc.(the international Jewish Coalition Against Sexual Abuse/Assault)P.O. Box 65273, Baltimore, MD 21209www.theawarenesscenter.org443-857-5560Survivors and Advocates of all faiths advocating for the Child Victims Act of New York (March, 2009)PLEASE FORWARDMarch 22, 2009

PLEASE FORWARDMarch 22, 2009Dear Friends,According to statistics, one out of every 4 children will be abused by the time they reach the age of 18. Considering there is just under 20,000,000 people living in the state of New York, means there is roughly 500,000 survivors of child sexual abuse living in the state.

Both adult survivors and children who have not yet been abused -- living in the state of New York need your immediate help to insure the passage of The Child Victims Act of New York.

Attached are 2 links the first with all NY state Assembly e-mail address the other is a listing of the NY Senate. Please make as many phone calls as you can to the New York senators and Assembly members.

If you don't have the time to call -- it's important to send each of them e-mails, letting them know how important it is they support the billDirections:

1. When you call tell them you want the Senator or Assembly member to support the 2009 - Child Victims Act, WITHOUT ANY CHANGES!!!

2. The Legislative Aide will ask for your name and address. If you do not live in New York -- yet were abused there make sure to state that fact.

Support the Child Victims ActNYS Assembly Bill # A2596Senate Bill # S2568

PLEASE Make the phone calls first them Monday morning.

If you can call start sending the e-mails NOW!!!!

The groups that opposing the bill are also making calls, which includes those associated with the New York Catholic Conference/Church, Small group of Sephardic rabbis, the insurance industry and the ACLU.

Your voice one voice can and will make. This is why it's vitally important for everyone to call (or e-mail) so that your support of the bill will be recorded.

New York State Senatehttp://www.senate.state.ny.us/Senatorbio.nsf/Public_MemberEmail?openform

New York Assemblyhttp://assembly.state.ny.us/mem/?sh=email

For more information on these bills go to: http://www.protectchildrenny.org/

IF YOU ACT ON NO OTHER THING I TELL YOU ABOUT THIS YEAR, I BEG YOU ACT ON THIS ONE...I BEG YOU TO PLEASE MAKE ONE PHONE CALL...PLEASE SEND JUST ONE EMAIL? IT'S NOT ASKING THAT MUCH REALLY. IT WILL PAVE THE WAY FOR VICTIMS IN ALL STATES.

IT STARTS WITH ONE VOICE...LET IT BE YOURS