Mary Commentary

October 2nd

2015-10-02T11:19:00.001-04:00

I just realized that there is zero chance that I'm going to blog on the weekends, so. Whatevs.

Most of these "blog challenges" include a selfie in there somewhere. I intend to post many. Today I decided to take a selfie with my phone propped up on my keyboard but it just ended up looking pretentious. Bleah. So you've also got my standard, kinda smiling at phone, chin propped up on hand selfie.

The black and white blouse I'm wearing under the sweater was a cool $5.08 on clearance from Target. I bought 3 boxes of protein bars which were part of a promotion where you bought 3 boxes and you got a $5 gift card. So basically this top costs eight cents. Plus tax.

Weekend plans include being washed away by Joaquin, raiding the REI garage sale, and consuming copious amounts of beer at Charlotte's Oktoberfest.

Enjoy, and see you on Monday.

October 1st

2015-10-01T12:19:00.000-04:00

31 day blog challenge or something.

You know I actually write in a blog every day, but it's not this blog. I think only two people have access to the link. Anyway, I don't really like a lot of the blog challenges I see, I just want to force myself to write more often.

Most of the blog challenges start with an "intro" so here we go.

Fun Facts!

1) I have never in my life completed a blog challenge and I don't intend to start now. So, you know... prepare yourself for disappointment come day twelve

2) I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually enjoy outdoor activities more than video games these days. Give me an all day hike instead of an all day Fallout binge any day. I do particularly like that running only takes an hour or so, though.

Trail Selfie from the Snowball Trail, near Craggy Gardens

James Boyce Park in Charlotte, good for trail runs

3) My favorite breakfast is from a gourmet grocers in Charlotte called Earl's Grocery. I like their White Lily biscuit. My preferred variation is the ham, brie, and apricot jam. I get it every single time I go there for brunch. For later in the day their pozole is on point. Trust me. I sing the praises of Earl's whenever I get a chance.

Okay they didn't have the ham/brie/jam biscuit this day, but it was still pretty good

4) My favorite pick me up treat of all time is dark chocolate and good black coffee. Earl's Grocery is also quite good at fulfilling this need, as is 7th Street Market (chocolate from Zia Pia and coffee from Not Just Coffee

5) I like craft beer. A lot. This is just a small example

Burial's Skillet Donut Stout out of Asheville (snagged from Good Bottle)
Rainy day flight at Bayne Brewing Company in Cornelius
Post bike pint's at Free Range Brewing in Charlotte on their opening weekend
A punny flight at Southern Appalachian Brewing in Hendersonville
A taste from the back at Devil's Purse Brewing Company on Cape Cod
Sampler at The Courtyard Brewery in New Orleans
Flight being poured at SoMe Brewing Company in Maine
Enjoying the live music from Pluto for Planet and the coconut ale at Sycamore Brewing in Charlotte
Pit stop at Night Shit Brewing near Boston before a flight back to CLT

1. Are you over Mufasa’s death yet? Because I am not.

2015-01-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kim-quindlen/2015/01/50-questions-you-can-ask-at-a-party-that-arent-so-what-do-you-do/

Lion King never gave me the ugly cries, so I'm over Mufasa's death. Does that make ma bad person? Maybe. Does that make me a bad millenial? Definitely.

1/5 - Running with friends

2015-01-05T10:25:00.005-05:00

Every day, I'm going to try and write about once nice thing that happened the day before.

--

I went for a run yesterday at Lenny Boy Brewing. They've got a brand new run club: noon on Sunday's. I can do that. Unfortunately, I lost track of time and got there late. I messaged a friend that I was going to be 15 minutes late. I fully expected to run the 3 miles solo -- which I don't enjoy. After about half a mile, I see someone else on the Light Rail path headed towards me. The figure begins to look familiar. It's a runner friend of mine who is far too fast for me to run with. I was surprised to see him.

"You missed the turn," I called out. It was his first time at the LB run and I assumed he'd forgotten to turn down Tremont.

"I was looking for you."

He slowed as I approached, turned and began running with me. We ran down to the Bland Street Station, turned, and returned to the brewery. As we turned onto Hawkins, he encouraged me to run faster, yelling out suggestions and cheering me on. We reached the brewery and I was so out of breath I felt like I was drowning. I caught my breath as we made our way inside. He said that our pace had been around 10min/mile for the bulk of the run, but that last push was around seven.

"Thanks for running with me." We'd never run together before, as his 5k pace is around a six minute mile.

"I didn't want you to have to run alone."

Having friends is kind of a novel thing for me. It's kind of wonderful.

It's still awful -- but slightly less awful

2014-06-09T10:39:00.002-04:00

I've wanted to be a runner for over a decade. I remember going for jogs in Cleveland Park when I lived in Greenville. I could probably run for 30 seconds at a time. Then walk for 2 minutes, then run for 30 seconds. I never improved because I never kept up with it.

Every year or so I make another attempt. I run for about a week or two, and then I drop it like a bad habit. I've been running in the same pair of gray and pink Adidas that were a Christmas gift to 15 year old Stargirl.

So, it was time for my annual running attempt. Turns out I have several friends who run. Some run casually. Some run regularly. A couple of the local breweries have running clubs so I decided to join a couple weeks ago.

I hung back with my casual running friends. We argued whether we would do the 1 or 3 mile loops. I was going to attempt the 3 mile loop and talked them into it. I'm short and have a snail's pace. Most of them could walk as fast as I could jog, so I told them to leave me behind. Every once in a while one of them would turn around and wave, but soon the turns in the path meant we were no longer in each others' line of sight. But I wasn't alone and I wasn't last, so I kept running.

About 45 minutes later I was done. It sucked pretty hard, but the day ended with beer and tacos, so we'll call it a win. I realized that I enjoyed running with others. I realized that I preferred running without music.

So, I did it again the next week (no friends this time, but this brewery run attracts around 200 people so I was far from alone). I've replaced my 14 y/o trainers, and it's sucking less and less every day.

I'm posting this for posterity. Maybe this time I'll feel too guilty to quit. Because on my list of "Things to do before I'm 30" is "Start running regularly-- and keep it up!"

Day 5

2014-02-24T13:27:00.001-05:00

Last week was a very weird week. Very stressful and busy. I didn't keep track of any of my mornings last week so we'll just skip that

"Black ops... black ops... dropping presents from the helicopter..." The song gets louder and louder. After 60 seconds it's playing at full volume. I blink my eyes and reach for my phone. It's been plugged in and under the pillow all night. SleepBot has kept the screen dark, but technically on. My finger practically sizzles as I swipe the glass to indicate to indicate I am awake. I squint at the screen. 7:00am on the dot. It's rather bright in my room. I realize that I left the blinds open last night and my apartment is flooded with natural light. It's kinda nice.

I forgot to set up the coffee last night. No, that's a lie. I thought about it at 10:30 but I was already under the covers and reading. I couldn't be bothered to set up the coffee last night.

I lie in bed for another 15 minutes swiping at my phone, checking Facebook and Reddit. Eventually I stretch, pull on the long sleeve shirt that lays at the foot of my bed and sit up.

I plod into the bathroom. Strip, shower, etc. After my shower I'm feeling much more awake. I chat with a early rising friend on Facebook for a few minutes while I lotion, paint, brush, clothe.

It's only 8 o'clock! I make my way downstairs. I get the coffee maker going while I pack breakfast and lunch. I make myself a "detox" drink in a water bottle and toss that into my messenger bag. I'll chug it on the way to work. I don't know that it actually does anything, but the spices in it certainly feel like a boost.

I tidy my kitchen - do the dishes, clean the sink, wipe down all surfaces. It's 8:35 am now. I put on my shoes and jacket, poke through another one of my bags to find some papers I have to bring to work. I'm out the door by 8:40 am.

It was a good morning.

OH MY GOD COOKIES

2014-02-19T10:05:00.000-05:00

I've come to work to be greeted with a bag of Thin Mints, Samoas, Savannah Smiles, Thank U Berry Munches, and Trefoils. And now I have to sit here with these cookies next to me ALL DAY.

I made the mistake of going onto the bakery websites. The troop I'm buying from uses Little Brownie Bakers. The other bakery has Chocolate Chip Shortbread, Lemonades, and Cranberry Citrus Crisps.

My god. If I run into girls selling the other cookies I'm going to be in trouble. I really want to try the chocolate chip shortbread and cranberry crisps. Why can't I buy, like, half a box? Or just two or three cookies? Auughhhh.

I have been known in the past to eat an entire box of cookies in one sitting. That is probably why I was super fat in college!

Entire box of:
Thin Mints - 32 cookies, 1280 calories, 80g sugar
Samoas - 14 cookies, 980 calories, 70g sugar
Savannah Smiles - 25 cookies, 700 calories, 50g sugar
Thank U Berry Munch - 14 cookies, 840 calories, 49g sugar
Trefoils - 40 cookies, 1280 calories, 56g sugar

By comparison:
Oreos - 42 cookies, 2240 calories, 196g sugar
Chips Ahoy - 33 cookies, 1760 calories, 110g sugar
Walker's Pure Shortbread - 10 cookies, 650 calories, 25g sugar

Day 4 - the first Monday

2014-02-12T08:39:00.001-05:00

A soft melodic tone trickles into my ear. I reach out a hand and, eyes closed, swipe it silent. My hand curls around the phone. My foot twitches. I'm a bit warm.

I pull the phone towards my face. My eyelids flutter, blink, squint. 7:00am. The text in the phone is insistent - "Wake up, mutha fucka!!!!"

I blink, I sigh ... I doze.

A harsh electronic beat pours into my ears. I reach out a hand and, eyes closed, swipe it silent. My hand curls around my phone. I bury my nose into my pillow.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK" exclaims the silenced alarm. It is now 7:30am. A tentative sniff reveals my saving grace. There is premade coffee. Thank you, past me.

I pull on a pair of socks. I grip the railing as I teeter down my spiral staircase, brain half-asleep, eyes half-closed.

A few moments later, I'm slightly more awake, sipping my coffee with too much cream and staring in my mirror with displeasure.

"Christ. You're a hot mess." Another sip of coffee. Another glance into the mirror before walking into the bathroom.

I cast a defiant glance at the scale and step into the tub. Hair, body, face, lather, scrub, shave, rinse. Soak. Sigh.

I am loathe to leave the hot water, but lingering now will only make me late. I dry off. I return to the mirror and counter. Lotions and creams are applied. Hair is tamed.

7:52am. I could use some music.

In the bedroom, I tap my laptop to life. Without thinking I hit [Win]+[3]. Chrome launches, trading along are Facebook and Reddit. I begin mindlessly scrolling, chatting, clicking.

I glance at the system tray. 8:27am. Fuck what is wrong with me.

A flurry of paint and powder, camisoles and cardigans. Fifteen minutes later I'm scurrying back down the stairs with my now cold coffee.

Microwave appears dead. Damn. I pour the cold coffee into a travel mug, top it off with what remains in the carafe and another shake of lite creamer.

Shoes laced, jacket zipped, I grab my bag and keys and hustle out the door at 8:46am.

I know I can do better.

Fortune smiles on you

2014-02-11T10:59:00.004-05:00

It's snowing pretty heavy here. (Heavy for Carolina snow...) Sticking, too. I haven't got a cancellation email from my college yet, but it's not like I've left the bed for more than a few moments anyway...

As I sit here in my bed with my laptop and coffee, I can't help but think how very lucky I am. I have a job I love (and I actually use the skills I was taught in undergrad). I work from home one day each week. If I cannot go into work for any reason (inclement weather, illness, travel) I am still paid.

It wasn't always like this. I had my fair share of wage-slave jobs. Even now I sacrifice a certain amount on income for the flexibility that my job provides, but stress and hours of many higher paying job cannot make up for sitting in my bed with my laptop and coffee, working from home and watching the snow.

Last three months

2014-02-07T10:28:00.001-05:00

I've been journalling (like physical pen and paper journalling) a lot lately, which is why I haven't posted here much. I have things I need to spill that I don't want to put on the internet, that's why.

What's been going on lately?

November

K-Swiss and I split mid-November
Thanksgiving with the family
Spending more time with my bro. Haven't spent enough time with him. Would like to.
Took a solo trip to Asheville
Made some friends in Asheville. Friends who are bugging me to return (and I'd like to!)
Begin going out to Meetup.com events to make some more friends in town

December

Lived with some college friends for a week or so
Found an apartment (it's a loft with a spiral staircase)
Moved into apartment
Accidentally lost weight -- how did this happen?
Home for family X-mas party. Spent more time with my siblings. Made some new friends.
Got sent home with three dozen siopao
Had a fantastic birthday including presents and sushi
Decided to learn to cook. Ask for nice skillet for Christmas.
Realized that I'd stopped eating carbs and snacks and had started eating mostly protein and veggies -- K-Swiss and I would have pizza once a week and we always had Hot Pockets and chips in the house. Bought bread to make sandwiches.
Christmas at home with the family. Wonderful! Shopping, ice skating, Thai food. New skillet
Went out dancing with old friends. Made some new friends.
Fraukuech had a baby

January

Begin watching The West Wing. Realize that Rob Lowe is a main character. Fall for Sam Seaborn.
Decided to start cooking one new dish each week. Use skillet a lot
Spend a lot of money at Asian market. Learn to make Thai Curry, black bean burgers, a chicken/broccoli casserole, and sweet potato fritters.
Continued to go out dancing. Made new friends. I now have a couple of friends who I can text to go out for dinner/drinks/dancing/all of the above
Get a little over excited about having new friends. Go out 8 nights in a row. Want to cry. Learn my lesson.
See stage version of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It was amazing. I was over the moon.
Finish getting all of my stuff out of the old apartment. Exchange keys. Bittersweet. But we're amiable.
Snow day! Use my free time wisely by binge watching House of Cards.

Days 1-3

2014-02-07T09:48:00.002-05:00

I'm working on getting back into a habit I used to have that involved getting to bed at a reasonable hour and waking naturally around 7am. It's a struggle. I'm going to try to start posting how my mornings go here. If I can, indeed, get back into my habit, then we'll also have daily outfit photos again.

Day 3:

Wake. Brain is confused. A savory scent is wafting into my loft and a curious gurgling sound pricks my ears. Phone declares 7:04am. Did my alarm go off?

What is that sound?

...

COFFEE!

Commence mental argument
Get out of bed get coffee
It'll still be good in ten minutes, let's just take ten more minutes.
Seriously? Get your ass up. Hey, here's the water your poured yourself last night. Drink that, get up.
Soo comfy. And it's cold out there.
You left your robe at the foot of your bed, no excuses. Also I think you need to pee.
Gorramit...

I stretch. I sit up. I drink some water. I shiver. I blink rapidly. I grab my glasses and my robe. Arms through sleeves. Stand.

SUCCESS! I am standing and it's only 7:05am!

Bathroom, coffee, leisurely shower, music, dressing, makeup (including eyeshadow, lip gloss, and highlighter!), hair, packed breakfast (yogurt, fruit) and lunch (leftover Chinese), out the door by 8:40am. Relaxed, not rushed.

I hope I can replicate this on Monday

Day 2:

Wake. Groan. Grab phone. 5:31am. Fuck this shit. Roll over.

Wake. Shiver. Burrow under covers. Reach out hand to grab phone. It's off. IT'S OFF?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Please be before 8, please be before 8, please be before 8.

Sprint. 4g. Doo -- doodoo doodoo.

7:14am. Thank fuck. I stretch. I start to sit up. I think better of it. I curl up under the covers.

Facebook, reddit, swipe, swipe, scroll, scroll.

Did we learn nothing yesterday? Apparently not.

It's 7:30. Okay okay... I'll get up.

Facebook, reddit, swipe, swipe, scroll, scroll.

Plan days outfit. Think about cute guys. Argue with self.

15 minutes later and I'm finally sitting.

Throw legs over the side of the bed. Stand. Grab glass of water. Guzzle. Bathroom, long shower (shaving), dress (where the FUCK are my Loft cords???), makeup, hair (Oh my god why does my hair hate me today?), Yogurt, fruit, and siopao into a Harris Teeter bag. Rush out the door by 8:50am.

Damn. How did I get out of bed earlier and leave later? I'm going to figure out the delay brew on my coffee maker tonight. That'll wake me up.

Day 1:

Wake. Blink. Grab phone. 6:53am. My alarm hasn't gone off yet. A few swipes on the screen. The 7:00am, 7:30am, and 8:00am alarms are deactivated.

I stretch. I think about sitting. I'm so cozy. I don't sit.

I huddle under the covers. Facebook, reddit, swipe, swipe, scroll scroll.

It's 7:30.

I stretch. I sit up. I spy a glass of water left by Yesterday Me. I sip. Sip turns to guzzle. I shiver.

I huddle under the covers. Facebook, reddit, swipe, swipe, scroll scroll.

It's 8:00am.

I curse. Why why why? I haul myself out of bed.

5 minute shower. Rush rush. Concealer, lip balm, eyeliner, mascara. This outfit. No, that outfit. No, the first outfit was okay. Yogurt, fruit, and siopao into a Harris Teeter bag. Rush out the door by 8:45am.

I need to stop redditing in bed.

This is from a reddit post, but I thought it would be nice to post here, so I keep it as a reminder

2014-01-08T14:01:00.000-05:00

Someone posted the above photo on reddit, and the top comment was "It isn't that easy." Below is another redditor's reply.

I love this post. I've had to develop lots of coping mechanisms over the years to deal with crippling anxiety and depression. ALL of these, particularly #10 and Bonus are ones that have been of great assistance to me.

Now -- on to the plagiarism! All credit to IdeaPowered

1) No, he/she isn't the only one. There are millions of people. Go meet more. Those aren't your only friends. They are just your only friends NOW. You can make more, and often better, friends.

2) Molehills, not mountains. Keep things in perspective. You might feel shitty because you fucked up about this one thing. In a year you probably won't remember it and it will be inconsequential unless you keep chastising yourself for it. Everyone else is too busy being paranoid about themselves to have to remember every stupid thing you did.

3) Chastising yourself and beating yourself up about things is useless. Take responsibility, do what you can to fix it, and then accept that you have done all you can. You can't fix every mistake. Learn from them. Repeat them until you learn from them if you have to. So you know you get annoying, violent, or depressed when you drink? Don't drink. You know you get an upset stomach when you drink milk and eat a burrito... don't do it.

4) Don't let pride/fear get in the way. So what if those people who you don't know will make fun of you for riding your bike as you try to get healthy? You aren't here to please other people unless they mean something to you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be proud of who you are but that you shouldn't let pride dictate what you can and can't do because you are afraid of what people will think of you if you make a mistake, fail, or look like a fool while trying.

5) People's opinions are just that. They really don't matter. Opinions are like lies. The only power they have is if someone believes them to be fact. As they aren't fact and just some other person's point of view you can discard most of them. That doesn't mean don't listen to advice from loved ones... but it does mean that it is just advice and their opinion.

6) Get moving. Every day you sit there wallowing in self doubt, fear, and sadness you only make it worse. Your journey is still going and it doesn't pause for anyone. Go out there and fuck up. Get out there and make a fool of yourself. Put your neck on the line and fail. At least you are doing something and that alone is something to be proud of.

7) Ask for help. This one goes in line with pride. There is nothing wrong in asking for help. If you don't know something then ask. If you can't do something alone then ask for help. It's OK. Anyone who judges you for it isn't worth the time (and that is just their opinion anyway).

8) Form good habits. Wake up early even if you have nothing to do and get dressed. Get out of those smelly pjs. Respect yourself and have some pride in what you look and smell like. Eat healthy. Learn to feed yourself properly. Help people if you can. Focus on solutions not problems. Do your best all the time. All that sort of stuff. Will, commitment, and discipline will get you places.

9) Don't say "I can't" until you at least tried, gave it your honest to god best shot, and failed... a few times. Lots of things are hard as hell to do right. Stop telling yourself you can't do it just because you are too scared to try and fail.

10) Be patient with yourself. No one was born knowing everything they know now and things they know how to do now. No one knows everything. Everyone, every single person, fucks up. So will you, so give yourself a little breathing room.
Bonus: Last but not least...

Learn to forgive. Yourself as much as others. People will do you wrong sometimes. Shit happens. Forgive them if you can so you can move on. Holding on to all that weight just slows you down.
Sit down and write down why you think you are a mess. Be honest with yourself. Make a plan to stop being a mess, ask for help if you need to. Stick to the plan. When it gets hard cry if you have to but keep pushing on. It gets easier the longer you stick to it.

The only way out is through, friend. Good luck.

TL;DR: It ain't easy being cheesy

Millennials

2014-01-03T12:06:00.002-05:00

I'm going to make some of you feel a little old -- I just used a fax machine for the first time in my life. I get a buzz of irritation when people request faxes. When I needed stuff faxed in college, I would email it to my Dadders and ask him to fax it. I don't understand why everything can't be done digitally. Waste of paper. Once, KSwiss needed work done on his car, they emailed him the paperwork, he signed it on his tablet (literally, signed his name with his finger) and emailed it back to them. This is the way it should be.

Of course, the next generation will probably think I'm old for having used an actual phone instead of an implant in my head or something. Of course, I think it's amusing when people still have landlines. My parents don't even have a landline anymore. And of course, some people pride themselves on their lack of modern communication technology. And the Millennials say: What's that? You can't play any song you could possibly want in 20 seconds from your phone? What's wrong with you?

When I play with my tablet and my phone, sometimes I feel like I'm in the future. WHAT YEAR IS IT? This isn't even a phone anymore! It's a pocket computer!

When I first did a little research on generations, I was irritated to find that my year was slotted as Millennial (roughly 1982-2002) and not Generation-X (roughly 1961-1981). Not only does Gen-X sounds way cooler but also I'd mentally placed Millennials firmly in the idiotic youth category in my brain. (Could still be true.)

If one notes my complete attachment to technology and social media and my narcissism (constant selfies, constant need to share what I'm doing with others), I think it's plain where I sit. Add my aversion to Facebook*, preferring Instagram and Snapchap, I'm such a Millennial. Yes, I have a Facebook. But I use it mostly for messaging (... aaand posting Instagram pictures.)

I wonder what they'll call the next generation. Those born in the 2000's. Right now I've just seen it labeled as Gen-Z, but Millennials were called Gen-Y for a while.

Also, please note that children born in 2000 are starting high school this year.

Yup.

*Late Millennials and Gen-Zers are starting to drop Facebook because of all the parents on it. Of course, early Millennials are now having babies and stuff, so they'll probably stay on Facebook. Because now they are boring parents.

If you are beating yourself up about something, just remember this:

2013-12-20T10:34:00.002-05:00

Early birthday gal

2013-12-11T09:44:00.001-05:00

I got into work today, regular Wednesday... thinking about making tea, thinking about what for lunch...

And I get into my suite, pop my key in my door and then something clicks in my peripheral vision. I back up and actually look at my door. There's brightly colored stuff all over my door! A banner, and a headband and a fairy wand. A birthday-girl pin and a card. A gift bag with glittery hair pins, hot pink fingerless gloves (which make me sorely regret that I'm missing a 90's party this weekend), and some other brightly colored cute things.

I immediately started laughing. My boss and co-worker came over to my office* early (they both get in at 7:30) to decorate my door. And I think to myself... why did they do this today? And then I called my co-worker and she said "well, we knew you're probably working from home tomorrow because it's Thursday." HA! So true. They're cleverer than I am.

My god, I'm so fucking lucky. I have the best office ever. Last year everyone at my old college forgot my birthday (even though we regularly celebrated everyone's birthday, including homemade cake). Kswiss didn't have any money to get me much (having a birthday near Christmas fucking sucks). I was seriously bummed until I visited my sister and when she heard she bought me an ice cream cake.

*I'm temporarily on loan to a different department but I am still an IE gal!

P.S. There is a lot going on in my life right now that I haven't talked about. Because of this, I haven't had opportunity to take outfit of the day photos for a while. There are some on my G+ album that I haven't linked but none for the past week. If you check out my sis's blog, there's a really cute picture of the two of us at her baby shower!

Plz stahp

2013-11-22T13:50:00.004-05:00

Hi friends! I'm about to make an angry rant here. This is something that I avoid doing, but it's building and it must be excised. I thought that I'd warn you, just in case you'd like to keep the negativity out of you day. :)

If you're petite, like I am, then comments on your weight and figure are totally socially okay! Did you know that? I'm learning.

I met a friend's grandmother. The first thing she says to me is "Oh you're so little! How much do you weigh?" Seriously? Well, how much do you weigh?
Birthday party for a colleague in the office. After the cake is sliced, the department director says "Give Mary the big piece, she needs it!" You certainly don't need it...
Talking about clothes with a colleague and she comments on how thin I am and how I "really need to eat a cheeseburger!" I had three slices of pizza for dinner last night, bitch
Walking past the receptionist office at work wearing something like this (I point this out because I think my outfit was pretty normal). The receptionist coos over how "cute" I am, saying that I look "just like a china doll." And you look like Barbie's meth addled grandma.
At a committee meeting at work where I strive to be seen as a colleague and peer. My current (temporary) supervisor introduces me to the subcommittee thusly: "This is Little Mary.... well, I like to call her that because she's just so little!" I'll call you Big Shirley from now on. How's that sound?

Did you notice something of the above? 80% of those happened in the office. That really irks me.

We've also got numerous other instances of: "you don't understand because you're so skinny" and "you need to eat" and "it's easy for you because you're Asian" (really?) or variations on this theme.

If you're sitting behind your monitor right now saying "oh boo-hoo, poor skinny minnie" then fuck off.

By calling out me on my weight you're only furthering societies fucked up ideals that people are defined by their weight and that a person's weight is one of the most important factors about them.

AND FURTHER MORE!

(This is where I'm getting on my high horse about people saying oh you're so skinny, I wish I was skinny.)

--I consider everything I eat to be a choice. Everything! Every shooter done while I'm drinking with friends, every sugar packet added to my tea, ever sneaked evening cookie. I think, do I really need the sugar/carbs/calories, etc? Or rather, is it worth it (if it's a shooter, my answer is probably yes). I try to work out 3x/week. When I don't work out, I adjust my consumption accordingly. And I never treat myself for working out. I don't deserve additional chocolate rations for maintaining a healthy body. The healthy body is the reward.

I used to write down every single thing I ate. I couldn't diet otherwise, because I'd just forget about the little things. So, I didn't put down that I had a burger for lunch. I put down the burger, the cheese, the mayo, the fries, the ketchup, the coke* that I washed it down with.

I started working out. I took time to go to the gym or run around the block. I eventually lost 50-60 pounds! (I don't know my highest weight. I think I've got a voluntary memory block.)

Here and here and here are some photos of me that show that I've earned my body. Please avoid looking at those photos if you're sexually attracted to me as any desire may plummet. Or if you do look at the photos, please see my Google+ "Outfit of the Day" for some eye bleach. I recommend the photos of me working out.

So, I'm sorry friends, for this rant. But I'm really fucking sick of all comments regarding weight. Whether they're meant to be positive (har har har, they're not. They're not ever positive) or negative, they all suck.

Don't tell me I'm so skinny. Tell me I'm pretty. Or that my shoes look good or my hair is on point today. Just shut the fuck up about weight.

Next time someone tells me I'm so skinny I'm going to say Awww, thanks! And look at you! ... You look... Yeahhhh.... And slurp noisily on my drink.

Okay I'm done. I'm officially done. I'm not going to comment on this again. I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but it feels vain to me. I'm so inundated with people commenting on my body (while if I commented on their's, hell would break loose) that I worry that to complain about it seems self-centered. But fuck it. It's my blog. One of the above comments happened again earlier this week and it was a real tipping point.

DONE.

*This is an exaggeration. I never drink full sugar Coke.

Passionate person, indeed

2013-11-11T09:36:00.003-05:00

I was recently discussing with a friend my "way with words." I've begun writing a little again. I'll share it with you sometime when I'm convinced it's not crap (this friend was displeased with my vulgar criticisms of my work... so maybe it's not all crap).

Today, I was digging in my closet and found the very fist paper I wrote in college. Written in 2004 (I was on the cusp of turning 20) for one of the most challenging to impress professors at my alma mater. I earned an A- for my efforts, and he begins his comments on my paper by stating: "Your paper has given me considerable pleasure -- derived from your jaunty and intelligent comments." I think I swooned.

I was just rereading the paper. There is a section that I found --- well, shocking! to be included in my philosophy paper to this veteran professor. I cannot believe I wrote this!

Peculiar Pleasures: On Aristotle's Treatment of Self-Control

(In which I discuss both partaking to excess and restraining oneself from pleasures, and which, if any, pleasure are "peculiar." In this particular passage, I'm describing a man who derives no pleasure from food.)

Upon biting into a tomato, I found it impossible to prevent myself from exclaiming on the exquisite taste, the way the juice ran over my tongue, and how the flavor filled my mouth. (You see, I am a very passionate person.) While I would not expect my dinner mate to exclaim over the succulence of the tomato as he is rather reserved in character, I neither expected him to shrug and pronounce the experience: "okay." The latter was, shockingly to me, his reaction. I insisted he had not tasted it fully and made him try another morsel, generous as I was in donating my luscious tomatoes to research.

It goes on to discuss Aristotle suggestion that "men deficient in regard to pleasures, who find less delight in them than they should, are scarcely ever found, for such insensitivity is not human."

Further in the paper I delve into whether or not masochism is really so peculiar. And interesting paper, indeed.

There are many passages like the above. Less.. well, sensual in nature! but "jaunty" comments, as the professor said.

I recall in this class I also once argued that swinging was not cheating because both parties are in agreement of the act. The class was pretty uncomfortable.

Stargirl's Personal Style

2013-11-07T17:03:00.001-05:00

I don't think I've ever written a post quite like this, so if it's complete shit, forgive me.

The cornerstone of curating my personal style has been to take inspiration from absolutely everywhere and experiment experiment experiment. I read dozens of fashion blogs and, while I don't pattern mix like Kasmira or preppy like Audrey (see links below), I take bits and pieces of inspiration from their style. I did a lot of thrifting to find unusual pieces and bought a lot of shit that just never worked. I feel pretty settled in my style... for now! You never know when a wave will come along and wash me to a different shore.

So, this is about how I developed my personal style. This isn't really a guide as much as a narration on my method. I would never presume to tell anyone else what to do because style is such a personal thing.

Your best feature
I love legs legs legs. I'm such a leg girl. The first thing I do when checking out an outfit is to examine the legs - the pants/tights/stockings/skirt/etc. Natch, I gravitate towards leggy pieces: skinny trousers, tall boots, patterned tights, over the knee stockings. Find out what you like and what works for you. Maybe you've got a beautifully nipped waist or sculpted arms. Maybe you haven't figured out what your favorite part is. Love your body and think about it. See Angie's post on Figure Flattering. Very helpful.

I worked with a woman once who was not at her ideal size. She was very critical of herself, always said that she'd never wear skinny jeans because she was "too fat." Pah. You don't need to pick up the pants with a spandex injection, my friend. I know many women who wear skinny or slim fit denim that do not have the typical VS Model 16" thigh or 24" waist. In fact, I know women who wear slim fit denim who's figures are more than double the above. And wouldn't you know they still look damned good? (See Angie's post on Skinnies for Curvies and the reddit post Diversity: DEAL WITH IT. See the blog Girl with Curves gorgeous girl with kick-ass style.)

http://glambistro.com

Work with what you've got, but don't let it limit you. Mind your proportions. (For me this means avoiding skirts and pants of a certain length, for example).

Number One Resources:

Angie at YouLookFab is one of the greatest fashion resources I recommend. She has so many amazing posts about finding your own style, shopping your wardrobe, etc, etc, etc. I cannot recommend her advice enough.
FemaleFashionAdvice is a subreddit. This is a great community of other ladies giving and receiving advice and criticism on their outfits and style. The community is largely twenty-somethings. Quite often, inspiration albums are posted, such as "From Burberry to Yohji - A Collection of Streetstyle and Editorial Images" and "Inspiration Album: One Helping of Cool, hold the prep"
Your camera - take photos of yourself frequently, even if you don't share. This will help you to identify what you like, what you hate, and what you just need to change a little. It can be easy to forget exactly what made an outfit unattractive unless you've got the outfit right in front of you.

Blogs:

I drew a lot of inspiration from daily outfit blogs. It can help to get an idea of what other people wear on a day to day basis.

Kasmira at WhatIWore2day taught me everything I know about pattern mixing and then some! I will never mix as much as she does, but I learned that paisley+pinstripe can actually look good. (I don't have a good photo of this, many apologies, but trust me when I say that this outfit is a good one!)
Audrey at PuttingMeTogether has a much more preppy style than mine, but she has an accessible style, unlike some of the more editorial blogs I browse.
Rumi at FashionToast is a model, and was one of the first fashion blogs I followed. I took much inspiration from her. That drapey, leggy, effortlessly cool style.

marieclaire.com

I love street style blogs. Most of these people are hip in ways I could never hope to be, and I love to see what types of things the fashion forward are wearing.

TokyoFashion.com is enjoyable to peruse. The combinations are outrageously fun. I will likely never wear anything like the featured outfits, but I do feel that bits and pieces of what is popular in, say Harajuku, will trickle down into mainstream trends.
Some street style blogs, however, are far more accessible when attempting to glean inspiration:

STREET FASHION STYLE focuses on San Francisco and New York
Urban Weeds is Portland Oregon and fills all of my hipster needs
Citizen Couture and Mr. Newton are primarily based in NYC but will have photos from other places from time to time.
Lookbook.nu is where it all started.

I also use street style blogs when assisting K-Swiss in his fashion endeavors. We've made amazing strides since college. I'd include photos, but I'm not sure he'd be pleased. We went from baggy, worn, ripped, generally awful jeans to lovely slimfit dark wash denim (not super-skinnies, just slimfit). We've moved from horrendous tees that are three sizes too large to dark fitted tees, thin knit hoodies, and zipped cardigans. We've got lovely leather boots instead of ratty trainers (although, Converse are acceptable for casual wear. Hell, I've got four pairs myself!). We're still working on finding button up shirts that fit him nicely.
One of K-Swiss's nicest casual outfits then. The jeans were new (bittersweet. Sweet because they weren't torn, bitter because he bought another fucking pair).
A typical casual K-Swiss outfit now.... jk here it is without the stupid grin. Same outfit, but more casual shoes. And sadly bereft of a Pete. Both the tee and jeans are probably two sizes smaller. Using my sister's photos because, well, she's the photographer damnit.

The most important thing is to have fun, as cliche as that sounds. I love getting dressed in the morning and doing something you love is a great way to start the day.

. . . .

Ummm, well, I'm going to go now before I burst into a singing rainbow or something.

I like to call it "faculty casual"

2013-11-07T12:05:00.001-05:00

By far one of my favorite things about working in higher ed is the fashion. Yes, the fashion. The incredible variety that you will find at committee meetings, for example, where both faculty, administrators, and executives are involved.

My last committee meeting had a gentleman wearing cargo khakis, a bright red tee (with some sort of image on it), and a short sleeve blue button-up, unbuttoned. It looked what the IT kids wore when they were in high school.

There was a woman wearing fitted trousers (no judging there, I wear fitted trousers as you know) tucking into Uggs (judge judge judge!). Who wears Uggs out of the house, unless you are a college student or maybe you're running a quick errand. But more importantly, who wears Uggs to work... on a day when you have a meeting?!?

And then there was the gentleman running the meeting. Charming looking man wearing nice slacks, a coordinating but not matching jacket (I am a fan of this. It's more a casual than a suit, but still looks very attractive!), and nice shoes. Purple tie. Very nice looking.

A dean was in attendance. He was wearing a very lovely three-piece black suit with a stunning green tie. Lovely shoes. (On that note, I wish I had a three piece. Excruciatingly difficult to find. I would pay a lot of money for a perfectly tailored dove gray pin stripped three-piece. That would be absolutely divine.)

The majority of people in the meeting were wearing items that would be in the typical business casual - business formal range.

I've been to meetings where the deans are wearing flip flops, and the faculty are wearing slightly ripped jeans and Rainbows. I am always amused.

I wore my typical skinny trousers, the less fitted cords this time, a button up white blouse, layered with a black 3/4 sleeve thin knit tee. Business casual, not what I would wear to a meeting with higher ups (blazers and pumps all the way, baby), but acceptable for a committee meeting or for every day wear.

Someone drew me :)

2013-11-04T16:55:00.000-05:00

I discovered the subreddit RedditGetsDrawn and posted the above photo of myself.

... Hmmm...

Now you all know my reddit name. Stalk stalk stalk.

Anyway, someone drew me :) I love the minimal comic style. And I feel like he made my face a little more angular, and I like that too. Anyway. Fun subreddit to scroll through. Check it out.

I feel like this would be a good time to share the one other drawing that has been done of me.

This was done by a drunk friend. I was probably also drinking.

2013-10-29T18:06:00.000-04:00

Tuesday's Outfit (10/29)

Dress, tights: Target

Pumps: Payless

Cardigan: NY & Co

Belt, unknown. Earrings: Mama

Love the outfit, hated the face and hair today

Blouse: Miley and Max

Trousers: Target

Pumps are same as above and below, invisible here.

I took the photo standing on my vanity bench. Finally you can see the color of my trousers! Find a better photo of this top and pin here.

Curly hair today! The gloves were not part of the outfit, but rather I had started to put on my coat and realized I hadn't taken a photo.

Top: Banana Republic

Jeans: Levi

Pumps: Payless

Scarf: Kirna Zabete for Target

Conversation with colleague

2013-10-29T14:56:00.000-04:00

IM conversation

Her: I got a bag of mandarin oranges while I was out, help yourself.
Me: Oh thanks, I'm super full from lunch though :)
(five minutes later)
Her: I also have Halloween candy
Me: ....
Me: That ... is a different situation entirely.

And I quickly stride over to her office to find several Target bags full of candy. Oh my favoritest person in the world!

Mmm, Skittles for Stargirl.

Do you know how long it's been since I've had candy? ANY CANDY?

A long time.

Mmmm...

For T-Rex, I wonder if she remembers

2013-10-28T21:05:00.000-04:00

"This freaking thing keeps messing up..." I mutter, toying with my phone. My sister is driving, I am riding shotgun, and my mother is in the backseat. If there two other adults in the car, she always relegates herself to the back seat.

"Mom! Mary said the F-word," my sister calls, trying in vain to get a rise out of our mother. Mom makes a non-committal grunt.

"I said freaking. Don't be dumb." I actually make quite the effort not to curse around my family. "Curse words" spill out of my mouth when I'm at home or around friends, but around my family I try not to curse. I try really really hard not to say goddammit.

"Your face is dumb," she retorts. Our most beloved comeback, made doubly funny by our near-identical faces. I return my attention to my phone. It has trouble picking up wi-fi signals in certain areas. It currently shows a wi-fi connection, three bars! But I am unable to connect to FourSquare. How will I collect my intangible internet points?

"Freaking phone," I say. I tap the screen in vain.

"Mo-om, she said it again," my sister sings out, glancing in the backseat with the rear-view mirror. I roll my eyes and I give in.

"Fucking phone."

"Tsk!" Mom finally comes to life. "Mary, you're too beautiful to say such ugly words."

"I'm too beautiful NOT to say such words," I say with a grin. Mom tsks shakes her head. My sister is giggling like mad and I fear we might die in a fiery crash.

Why my kitchen smells like burning

2013-10-28T18:19:00.002-04:00

KSwiss attempted to cook dinner.

Cook = toss one of those Bird's Eye bagged meals into a pot and heat it up.

I always make extra rice with these things and so he decided to make some.

One cup of rice, I said. One and a half cups of water. Medium high.

One cup of rice, he poured into the saucepan. HALF a cup of water.

So now my kitchen smells like burning.

The Bird's Eye Teriyaki something-or-other turned out okay though. That one comes with instructions printed right on the bag.

I'll take the whole shebang

2013-10-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. Not the kind of trouble I’m used to – that would be the brain crippling wanting to melt into blackness trouble – but rather the I’m so cozy I never want to leave my cocoon trouble. (Side note: Happily, the brain crippling trouble hasn't been spotted in months! I blame my new job. Thanks jerb. You make waking up not suck.)

So.
Late start.

Then we discovered that one of the cats pissed in the tub.

And I couldn’t find my makeup bag and .FUCK FUCK FUCK I think I left it when I went out with friends on Friday

(beat)

God oh my god oh my god my Makeup Forever Aqua Eyes (small and expensive but perfect cream shadow), Glam-o-flauge concealer (my Holy grail cannot live without concealer) and my Skin 27 BB Cream (brand new, must be ordered on Amazon) were in that fucking bag. Oh jesus.

FUCK.

My hair looks like shit. My bangs are angry at me and I feel like I look like a man.

Three GIANT zits on my chin. Enormous. Like, they are probably sentient.

The outfit I wanted to wear is in the wash and my brand new pumps have a nick on the heel.

I’m running late and I still have to run to Facilities to pick up the key to my new office.

Man. Now I made myself sad. New office : ( (that is another story, temporary location move)

I need gas. Damnit. I don’t have time for this shit.

I have nothing for lunch. Goddamnit. Grab a yogurt.

Whatever. Gotta go. Get in the car.

I open the car door and I see a pink translucent something wedged under the drivers seat. OH MY GOD. It's my makeup bag. I pluck it up with a gasp. I want to hug it. It's the one nice thing about my morning.

And then –

Nothing on this earth could hold you prisoner my dear
Except for contemplations evil brother known as fear
But love is extraterrestrial and love falls from the stars

– the sweet vocal stylings of Grant Buffalo Lee. There is already a CD in the player -- the Velvet Goldmine soundtrack I picked up from my bookstore this weekend.

And I smiled.