Qorviq the Non-Denominational Winter Solstice Celebration Seal

Episode 56

2010-03-19T16:35:00.004-05:00

Today's suggested topics: Kanye West, Immigration and a Pawn Shop

Qorviq made it safely home despite being unsuspectingly tailed by the Shark and Killer Whale Mafiosa. He had just really been through the wringer and wanted to maybe take a nap or something. This was not going to be a possibility however, because the second he walked into his apartment he was smacked in the face with a wall of Kanye West sound coming from his roommate's bedroom.

See, Qorviq had rented out his spare room to a young Mexican Immigrant who had come to America for a better life, with nothing but the tamales in his pack and a sleeping bag to his name. Qorviq had taken the young man in after learning of his job at a nearby Pawn Shop, as the money coming in from the little foreigner would allow Qorviq to make ends meet after losing his job. He was starting to really regret that decision however, and decided perhaps he should just move to a less expensive apartment or perhaps a new area to start anew. As he put his bulbous seal head down to rest, covering his ear holes with two pillows to drown out Heartless, he thought to himself, just what could possibly be the next chapter in his life's journey...

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT TIME? WILL QORVIQ ASK HIS ROOMMATE TO TURN DOWN THE MUSIC? IS THAT REALLY THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE IN QORVIQ'S LIFE RIGHT NOW? SHOULD HE DEFINITELY ASK HIS ROOMMATE TO MAKE SOME TAMALES BEFORE MOVING OUT?

<-- It's a great album!

Episode 55

2010-03-16T20:47:00.007-05:00

Today's Suggested Topics: "The 'F' Word", a Sunset, and Microsoft Paint

The front of the ambulance cut through the water, and the vehicle was submerged in an instant.

Oh F*CK. I am going to drown. What the hell am I gonna...

It was at that moment that Qorviq remembered he was a seal. He unbuckled himself and swam out of the wreckage, through the open rear entrance and surfaced. The penguin paramedic was already afloat.

"You Ok man?"

"Yeah, I mean I guess."

"Yeah that's never happened before, sorry."

"Yeah. That was weird. Well, I am just gonna head home. I mean jail, a kidnapping, then two wrecks... I'm spent. I feel fine, I just need to go home."

"Sir, you really should be checked out at the hospital... I am sure another paramedic will be arriving."

"No. Ya know what? I'd honestly rather just take my chances. Good luck with getting your ambulance out though. Take care."

The penguin started talking again but Qorviq swam off into the setting sun. He really didn't understand why all this was happening to him, but he figured at some point he'd either wake up, move on, or die from it. Whatever the case, he just had to keep his whiskered seal chin up and carry on...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? IS THAT THE KILLER WHALE AND SHARK MAFIOSA TRAILING POOR QORVIQ TO FINISH THE JOB THEY OBVIOUSLY BOTCHED THE FIRST TIME AROUND THANKS TO THE ENHANCED SAFETY FEATURES OF THE ALL NEW 2010 CHEVY SUBURBAN!? THAT IS THE WORST! HE DOESN'T EVEN SEE THEM! AND WAS THE KILLER WHALE JUST RELEASED FROM CAPTIVITY A VERY SHORT TIME PRIOR TO THIS KIDNAPPING GIG? AND THIS PICTURE! WAS IT DRUNKENLY DRAWN USING MICROSOFT PAINT? ALL OF THE ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONS ARE YES! STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 56 WHERE MORE THINGS WILL HAPPEN FOLLOWED BY QUESTIONS AND THEN ANSWERS! THIS IS SO EXCITING!!

Episode 54

2010-03-13T08:47:00.009-06:00

Today's suggested topics: Apolo Ohno, Black Ice, and a request to Use the Word 'As' 6 Times

As(1) Qorviq sat in the back of the ambulance, watching the firemen clear the wreckage of his kidnappers' SUV from the ice floe they hit, he sat back and closed his eyes... as(2) so many things were running through his head right now...

"Ya know, you are really lucky to survive that accident there son"

"Yeah. I guess luck just shined down on me today, I mean to think, just as(3) I....

Before he could finish his sentence he felt the ambulance hit a patch of black ice and begin to spin off the road. Everything went black as(4) the interior lights blinked and then shut off and Qorviq grabbed a nearby bar to brace himself as(5) the ambulance pitched forward over the guard rail and they dove headlights first into the ice water below.

This really sucks...

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT WEEK! POOR QORVIQ!! I AM LITERALLY HAVING A HARD TIME BELIEVING THAT HE SURVIVED A CAR WRECK ONLY TO BE IN ANOTHER ONE NOT MORE THAN 30 MINUTES LATER! WILL HE SURVIVE? WILL ANOTHER AMBULANCE BE AVAILABLE TO BE DISPATCHED TO THE SCENE OF THIS WRECK? IS APOLO OHNO DATING ANYONE RIGHT NOW? WHEN WILL THESE URGENT QUESTIONS BE ADDRESSED AND BY WHOM!? STAY TUNED!!!! AS(6)!!!!!!!!!

<-- That soul patch is hot!

Lady Gaga

2010-03-09T20:48:00.004-06:00

As the Author of this blog I'd just like to take a moment away from Qorviq's adventures to ask Lady Gaga one simple question:

Why?

I realize that I write a blog about a lawn-ornament inspired seal character, but comeon.

P.S. The photo above is brought to you by US Weekly, which I sit around reading all day at the Physical Therapy office I am a receptionist at. Yes. I write a blog about a lawn ornament and am a secretary. Every day that I wake up is another day of pure, unadulterated rapturous delight.

P.P.S. I would put solid money on a good number of people dressing up as Lady Gaga in this getup for Halloween. Here, I'll even help you out by supplying all the necessary supplies:

White Nipple Tape
Chicken Claw
Lobster

You are going to have to Bedazzle the Lobster yourself though... and Amazon doesn't actually carry Chicken Claws (try cutting the feet off this instead), so the link above actually directs you to a CD by a group called the Martini Brothers, who have apparently written and released a song called Chicken Claw. Worst. Song. Ever. Seriously, listen to the preview. Kind of like that time I wrote and published a book about a lawn-ornament inspired seal character.

I am going to contact them, maybe we can team up and offer a package deal...

(The link to my book
will go here once I get
it up on Amazon. Oh
I'm not even joking.
Just like the Martini
Brothers weren't
joking... or were
they?)
Until then, you can buy the paperback here.
or download the electronic version for your Kindle
here: http://tinyurl.com/QorviqDownload

Episode 53

2010-03-01T22:16:00.002-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: The enhanced safety features of the all new 2010 Chevy Suburban, Onstar, and #1 Stunna by Big Tymers

Qorviq opened his eyes, and glanced around. He was actually completely unharmed due to the high-strength steel safety cage, six air bags and seat belt... even though he was in the back middle seat. It was quite apparent that the StabiliTrak Electronic Stability Control System with Traction Control and 4-wheel antilock brakes had been his saving grace. He heard the OnStar Automatic Crash Response kick on.

"Thank you for using your OnStar system, my name is Nootaikok, how can I help you today".

"Um, yeah, hi. I got in a car accident... the Killer Whale driver threw himself out of the car, and I hit an ice floe."

"Ok... um... are you hurt sir? I mean I guess the Killer Whale is gone, so at least you know you are going to live, right? Haha! "

"Haha! Seriously!! And I'm fine, I'm in the backseat of a half-ton Chevy Suburban."

"Now that is a quality vehicle... I mean it is no Ford Escape, but if you need the extra room I'd recommend a Chevy Suburban in a heartbeat. I mean 21 MPG and up to 650 miles between fill ups, it really is a viable option if you have a big family (it seats 9)... and the Bose Centerpoint Surround Sound system... I mean it is really something else."

"You aren't kidding! We were actually just listening to #1 Stunna and the bass was KICKIN'!"

"Really?"

"No I'm just joking, I can't stand that crap. I mean we were listening to it, but only because there were a couple sharks in the very back seat."

"Oh God..."

"Yeah. Look, it's been a real long day for me, could you maybe just get an ambulance and some guys out here to clean this up? I just want to go home."

"Ok sir, I'm sending a signal now to send an emergency response team."

"Thank you."

"Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day. We're there when you need us."

Qorviq settled back into his seat after reaching up to turn Big Tymers back on. As he waited for the emergency vehicles and crew he wondered just what could possibly lie ahead in his roller-coaster of a life...

STAY TUNED! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN NEXT!? I DON'T EVEN KNOW, BUT I AM CERTAIN THAT IT WILL BE UNBELIEVABLE AND AMAZING!!

Episode 52

2010-02-26T19:41:00.002-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: a Killer Whale, a cement block, and Lady Gaga

"Qorviq, we've been watching you for a long time now."

"Oh-kay..."

He stared out the black tinted window, watching the scenery fly by. It was apparent that the vehicle was picking up speed.

"Oriviq, we know about Linda. We know about Arn. We know about the Kleen Stride PDRS deal."

What the fuck is going on...

"Yeah... hey, that is weird. By the way, don't you think you should slow down a little bit?"

He got no response from the Killer Whale behind the wheel.

Damn whale drivers. Murderous bastards.

The vehicle continued to pick up speed as they crossed an intersection and started the climb up and over an ice bridge. Suddenly, the two front doors and very back hatch flew open and his captors slid out and over the ice bridge into the water below.

Qorvic couldn't believe it. He knew he had to either follow suit or get up to the driver's seat and grab the wheel. The craziest part was that the Suburban continued to gain speed even with no one at the helm. That's when he looked down and saw the gas pedal had been weighted down with a cement block.

Ok... think Qorviq. THINK.

He suddenly looked up to see an ice shelf towering ahead. He had no time whatsoever to brace himself before the impact...

WHAT SHITSTORM LIE AHEAD FOR POOR QORVIQ NOW!? DID HE SURVIVE THE IMPACT!? DID THE CURTAIN AIRBAGS DEPLOY!? WAS LADY GAGA ON THE RADIO AT THE TIME OF IMPACT!?

Episode 51

2010-02-24T20:19:00.001-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: a big metal door, a black Suburban, and the Mafia

The sunlight was blinding.

"You are free to go, we found our man."

"What? Wait... what the..."

The big metal door slammed shut and Qorviq stood outside in the jail parking lot, his head reeling.

What the fuck is going on in my life... well, at least I'm not wanted for Murder anymore...

Just then a black Suburban rolled up, threw open the driver's side door, grabbed Qorviq and sped off.

Oh I just can't even believe this shit...

As his beady seal eyes adjusted to the dark interior of the SUV... he started to make out his assailants... and this was even worse than being in jail... he was SURROUNDED BY SHARK AND KILLER WHALE MAFIOSA!

OH NO! HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING!!??!?!?!?!?!?

Volume I

2010-02-19T23:38:00.005-06:00

Episode 50

2010-02-19T12:15:00.002-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: a jail cell, a long hallway, and the word "dick" referencing a person, not the body part

Qorviq sat in the cold jail cell, with his seal face buried in his flippers.

Why is this happening to me? I had nothing to do with Larry's disappearance. How the hell was I supposed to know that he and Linda were still together, when he specifically told me that they...

"Qorviq, please come with me."

The warden had slid open the cell doors and pointed down a long hallway.

As Qorviq followed him , the hall got increasingly darker, and darker.

"Hey pal, are there lights down here or what? I mean what kind of jail is this that there isn't even...

"Just stop talking. Its truly in your best interest."

What a dick...

Qorvic followed the warden into the dark, until they reached a large metal door. The door swung open, and...

Episode 49

2010-01-13T18:34:00.006-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: Bumblebee Tuna, an interrogation room, and the year 1983

Qorviq opened the door and there stood the mailman.

"Hey there, sign here please."

"What is this?"

"I don't know sir, opening it to tell you would be a Federal offense. Have a nice day."

That was weird.

Qorviq ripped into the unmarked envelope.

JOIN US DOWNTOWN TOMORROW AFTERNOON FOR A MARKET RESEARCH INTERVIEW ON YOUR TUNA CONSUMPTION. YOU WILL BE COMPENSATED $50.00 FOR YOUR OPINIONS.

Oh sure. Here Bumblebee Tuna. Here is an idea to save your company, thanks for the $50.00 and stale cookies.

Qorviq started to throw the document away... when he remembered he was going to have to start paying Arn and the boys child support next month. He didn't foresee getting a job at a creative advertising firm anytime soon, so he decided to attend.

Whatever, it is $50.00...

***THE NEXT MORNING***

Qorviq walked in and was promptly ushered into an interrogation room.

This is not what I was expecting...

He had heard of these things before and generally thought they were done in groups, and he was concerned how cold the room was. Also, it was pretty apparent there were people on the other side of the wall-length mirror in front of him. He waved his flipper at the high powered, yet clueless executives studying him.

His market interviewer walked in and sat directly across from him.

"Hello Qorviq! Welcome!"

"Hello ma'am, thanks for having me."

"No, thank YOU! I'm glad you found the place alright."

"Yeah it wasn't too difficult, I mean I got turned around once or twice..."

"Mmm hmm, well, the important thing is that you are here now. Let us begin. I am going to start by asking you a series of questions as they relate to your tuna consumption habits now versus this time last year and I will ask you to compare that to your tuna consumption habits of 1987."

"Wait... how am I supposed to remember tha..."

"Ok, let's begin. Would you say that you are eating more or less tuna now than you were in 1987?"

"Um... I don't really know, I mean more? Wait..."

"Mmm hmm, and what about last year?

"What?"

"And how about during the year of 1983? How much were you eating then?"

"Look, lady I seriously don't know I mean I..."

"CUT THE CRAP SEAL! WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT OF LARRY'S DISAPPEARANCE!?"

"What!?!?"

"YOU HEARD ME! WE HAVE LINDA IN CUSTODY! I WANT YOU TO CUT THE CRAP AND TELL ME EVERYTHING!!"

Qorviq's head was spinning, he couldn't believe what was happening. He didn't even know Larry was missing, Linda had just said they had gotten divorced, he didn't know anything about a disappearance.

"ANSWER ME!"

The woman threw her notebook at Qorviq's face.

"OW! Shit lady, chill out! I don't even know what the hell this is about!"

"REALLY? IS THAT WHY WE FOUND LARRY'S JACKET IN THE BACK OF YOUR EL CAMINO? IS THAT WHY WE SAW YOU LEAVING THE BAR AND THE HOSPITAL WITH LINDA THE NIGHT OF HIS DISAPPEARANCE?"

"You've been following me!?"

"CUT THE CRAP! TELL ME NOW! I HAVE TWO DETECTIVES BEHIND THAT GLASS READY TO TAKE AND LOCK YOU AWAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL SEAL LIFE IF YOU DON'T START TALKING RIGHT NOW!"

Qorviq didn't know what to say, or why he was even a suspect... he didn't even know the crime! His head was reeling.

Jesus Christ. Was Larry murdered? Why is Linda in custody? Was she alright!?

STAY TUNED! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO POOR QORVIQ NOW!? I MEAN CAN'T THIS GUY CATCH A BREAK!?

***by the way, http://www.bumblebee.com/Ads/softtacosprintad.pdf is a very healthy and easy to make recipie that takes just minutes. I love tacos and have to admit I am a little impressed. Check it out for a meal on the go!***

Buy some of this. Its NATURALLY gluten free.

Episode 48ish

2010-01-04T22:41:00.006-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: Buddy Christ, Bisquick Pancake Batter and Knight Rider

Qorviq sat down on the couch and turned on the news.

God, what a day...

***TONIGHT'S TOP STORY. A SOUTH FLORIDA WOMAN SEES THE IMAGE OF CHRIST IN A BRUISE AFTER A ROUTINE BLOOD DRAW***

What the f... this is the top news story? Really?

As the newscaster rattled on and on with his interview with the now holy woman, Qorviq sat back and closed his eyes...

Qorviq started to reflect on the events of the past couple of months, and what those could all possibly mean.

He was drawing a huge blank.

He got up and went into his kitchen to make himself some dinner.

(Again, you can't beat these prices. I mean 22 packs? You'll never run out. And if you keep them frozen, those weird little bug guys won't show up.)

Breakfast for dinner. That was just what he needed. There was honestly nothing like a good old fashioned breakfast for dinner...

If only he had someone to share it with...

Suddenly the phone rang.

***BRRRRIIIIINGGGGG BRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG***

Every time that thing rang Qorviq was reminded of how badly he needed to change his ring tone. He kept meaning to... he had even finally decided on the perfect song:

"Qorviq?"

"Alejandra!?"

"No... try again..."

"Oh, um, shit, uhhh..."

"God, you PIG!"

***dial-tone***

That was awkward...

He had no idea who that could have possibly been, and he didn't really care at this point, because the pancakes were almost finished.

He flopped his fresh hotcakes onto a plate and went back into the living room.

The news had grown tiresome, luckily he had also finally made the decision to purchase the Complete Series of the most Influential Television Series ever created in the history of all mankind:

God, David... you are the man...

Then Qorviq heard a knock at the door.

He actually almost didn't hear it because it was such a faint knock...

***KNOCK, KNOCK, POUND! POUND!***

"Jesus H. Christ, just a minute! I'm coming!!"

Qorviq sealed across the living room and opened the door, and lo and behold...

YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT EPISODE!! WILL YOU BE ABLE TO STAND THE SUSPENSE!? I AM NOT ABLE TO SAY FOR CERTAIN THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO!!!!

This Just Happened.

2010-01-02T12:34:00.001-06:00

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Episode 47

2009-12-31T07:32:00.006-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the number 47, and the tug boat noise

(Original image brought to you by http://www.coolantarctica.com/gallery/seals/antarctica_seals1.htm)

Qorvic set his 12 grocery bags down onto the counter.

He had pretty much lost all feeling in both flippers as he was self-admittedly pretty damn lazy and to make just one trip in from the car was both a success and a miracle considering all he bought that day. It was cold out, just like it was everyday in this frozen hell of a tundra he called home, and God so help him if he was going to go back and forth from the car 47 times juggling keys and bags and various locked doors and keypad codes because he lived in a secure building.

As he started to unpack he reached in and saw he only had two boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese...

(<-- You know you want to buy it. Its a 15 pack, you can't beat that price.)

"Son of a bitch!" he said aloud. He KNEW he had grabbed 4...

"That idiot grocery bagger must have left two on the counter! Dammit! How hard is your job!?"

As he continued to unpack, he got to bag #11, reached in, grabbed a jar of pickles and promptly dropped it on his flippered tail.

NEVER HAD HE FELT SUCH PAIN IN HIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!

The searing pain shot up into his bloated seal body like a bolt of lightning. He clutched the counter, certain he was going to lose consciousness. And then he did.

7-15 minutes later Qorvic awoke, and looked around his kitchen. His flipper still throbbed but he was able to roll over and flop back up to the counter to continue putting away his items.

That's when he got to bag #12. And lo and behold what did he find?

The other two boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese!!!!!!!!!! ***waaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa***

Oh Qorviq... when will you learn!?!?

STAY TUNED!!!! SOMETHING ELSE MAY OR MAY NOT HAPPEN THAT WILL EITHER BE MORE OR LESS EVENTFUL THAN TODAY'S EVENTS!!!!

Episode 46

2009-12-30T00:27:00.005-06:00

Today's Suggested Topics: REM Sleep, a smoke detector, and shoes

Let's see... where did we leave off...

Ok, let's just start over.

********************************************************************

Qorviq sat up abruptly. Something had pulled him out of his deep, deep slumber.

"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?"

He looked out into the dark abyss of his apartment. He could sense something wasn't right... what in the world would have woken him...

"BEEP!"

Startled, Qorvic reached for the lamp.

"BEEP!"

What the fuck is that noise!? He thought to himself.

"BEEP!"

At this point he had identified that it had at least been coming from the living room.

He flopped out of bed and sealed down the hall to the living room.

"BEEP!"

He entered the main room...

Oh.

My.

God.

"BEEP!"

It was his smoke detector.

AND IT WAS OUT OF BATTERIES.

"BEEP!"

He was in real trouble. It was 4:30am and he was about 2'3" tall and couldn't reach the alarm to rip the batteries out. Could he perhaps throw a shoe? No. No, he had flippers for feet and they don't make shoes for seals.

"BEEP!"

"FML!"

STAY TUNED WHEN SOMETHING ELSE WILL HAPPEN!!!!!

More Snow People - by request!

2009-12-29T15:07:00.000-06:00

Homeless Hank and Peaches the Tick Infestested Snowpoodle
(brought to you by www.thebostonist.com)

Hypoxia Harry
(Brought to you by www.break.com)

Peter the Night Stalker
"Hey kids, great news! This is just my day job. I know where you live and I've been watching you sleep. Happy Holidays!"
(brought to you by Rolf Hicker - www.hickerphoto.com)

Bear Grylls

"Bloody Hell! I just walked that canyon barefoot eating nothing by wild snake feces and water collected in various fungal crevices."

(brought to you by www.outdoorsnewzealand.co.nz)

That hat is very stupid. You have a stupid, stupid hat. So stupid.

(brought to you by www.tripadvisor.com)

Don't be stupid, buy this hat:

Why I Am

2009-12-28T16:52:00.005-06:00

Post deleted, as the therapeutic benfits have been achieved...

I survived Christmas in Iowa, now I feel like teaching some medical terminology

2009-12-27T21:24:00.002-06:00

Very inspiring trip to say the least. Mainly because when I rolled into town on Christmas eve I was treated to this:

Yes this is for real.

Naturally I named a couple...

Hydrocephalus Harry:

Metabolic Syndrome Matilda:

Peter the Peter Pan Syndrome Snowman:

Ok, enough for now. I hope you people are learning something from all this. I am.

Happy Holidays!

Best Holiday Lawn Art of 2009

2009-12-23T15:11:00.003-06:00

Qorvic the Non-Denominational Winter Solstice Celebration Seal
(Brought to you by the people living in the neighborhood next to my apartment complex)

Marfan Syndrome the Snowman
(Brought to you by: www.e-forwards.com/)

The Subconjunctival Hemmorhage Twins
(Brought to you by http://www.break4fun.zarke.net/)

Akkilopok the Crippled with Situational Depression and Self Doubt Snowman
(Also brought to you by the people living in the neighborhood next to my apartment complex)

Everybody Hurts - Download it. Feel his pain.

Thugly the Bad Parenting Snowman
(brought to you by Rachelle Oblack, about.com Guide: http://weather.about.com/bio/Rachelle-Oblack-19665.htm)

Kitunda the Awkward yet Jubilantly Supportive of the 26th Amendment Giraffe
(Brought to you by the people living in the neighborhood next to my apartment complex)

Picassa
(brought to you by Rachelle Oblack, about.com Guide: http://weather.about.com/bio/Rachelle-Oblack-19665.htm)

Wow.
(brought to you by Rachelle Oblack, about.com Guide: http://weather.about.com/bio/Rachelle-Oblack-19665.htm)

Happy Birthday indeed.
(Brought to you by http://www.uglychristmaslights.com/)

Happy Holidays!

This will never get old:

2009-12-22T18:50:00.001-06:00

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

By the way, that song you heard in the commercial at the end? That is a song called Sleepyhead by the band Passion Pit, found on their latest release 'Manners':

Some other good songs by those guys?
Little Secrets
Better Things

You'd also like the band Phoenix:

1901 (it was in the Cadillac Commercial)
Lisztomania

And, The Whitest Boy Alive:

1517

Christmas Shopping

2009-12-21T15:53:00.000-06:00

So, Christmas is in T minus 5 days... or 4, however you count it. Doesn't matter what you celebrate this season, chances are you have to buy some gifts for some people last minute because you either forgot, or you just got picked in a Secret Santa, or you just got word that a long lost relative is coming to Christmas dinner that you heard was really into cheese... WHATEVER the case may be, I thought I'd reach out a helping hand with...

My Super Last Minute List of Must Have Gifts!!!!!!!!!!!

#1: Perfect for the white elephant gift exchange. Perhaps not appropriate for a family gift, but perfect for the office or a church group.

#2. Why wouldn't you want to reap the health benefits of chronicling your poo?

#3. A real hot ticket item.

#4. For my bitches.

#5. Nothing says love like real human hair.

#6. Laugh + Learn + Puppy = Inevitable Success. Kudos Fisher-Price. Kudos.

#7 This one's on my Christmas list obviously.

#8 Liquid Ass. It sells itself.

#9.Why not?

#10 I have a cabinet full.

Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you all a Happy Holidays with a sappy post about love and family. Deal with it.

2009-12-21T11:04:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone has a very Happy Holiday season. Whatever you are celebrating, I wish for everyone to travel safely if at all and to spend time with loved ones. Take this time to really remember what is important to you personally and to those you love. I leave you with a video that my Sister in Law made for my Brother (they are now married as of this past summer) who will be returning safely from Iraq just after the first of the year. I thought it was appropriate to share as we all take time to be with our families and the ones we love:

W.O.W.

2009-12-18T09:01:00.004-06:00

I'm not going to lie to you, I kind of forgot where I was going with Qorvic. I mean we last left off with him and Linda in the hospital, right? Let's just assume they all lived happily ever... I mean Christmas is right around the corner. He got his job back, or another even better one, or started towards a passionate career that he always wanted and he and Linda lived happily ever after with their now legitimate seal-cub TukTuk. And Arn & the boys? Well, this whole time she was sneaking around with the Mailseal... or maybe it was the Milkseal... whatever, they are all doing spectacularly too.

Anyway, I was online this morning finishing up some things (prior to cleaning my apartment which needs to happen right now), and I naturally stumbled upon something 'interesting' on YouTube. By 'interesting' of course I mean 'painful to watch', but many may argue that this blog falls in the same category. As ridiculous as this video is, it made me feel a little better about myself because:

A. At least I'm not doing this. By the way, the woman in the gold body suit does not look slim, and although she seems fine with that it is a mental note for me to go for an extra long jog and only eat salad today.

B. If all else fails my plan was to become a beachcomber, but this actually might be a more viable option because it looks like there is actually some kind of strange niche market for this.

I'll preface this by asking, who remembers the George Lucas film Willow? 'Enjoy':

Now this Kid Can Sing and Play the Guitar

2009-12-17T16:14:00.005-06:00

I-d-o-i-t... wait... I-d-i-t... no? OK, I-d-i-o-t.

2009-12-15T15:16:00.007-06:00

So...

I took a few moments to peruse some other blogs today. Very impressive. For example: http://notsohumblepie.blogspot.com/, and http://blogevolved.blogspot.com/, and even http://www.22michaels.com/ which all just kind of make my blog look like some kind of idiotic failed dog and pony show attempt... which it is. It is complete stupidity which very well might only actually be making me laugh... but at least I am laughing. I started reflecting on "my writing career" and the fact that my only actual published work to date (that I am aware of) are a couple of articles from school newspapers and yearbooks, some things I wrote in-house at previous jobs... and a definition featured on UrbanDictionary.com which was a collaborative effort between myself and two gentleman who shall remain unnamed. And no, the collaboration took place in coming up with the definition over brunch not actually acting it out, you are gross. I guess my dying legacy will be the hope that High School and College aged boys alike will take the phrase Turtle Top Hat down into the annals of history. I apologize to their parents.

Anyway, enough self-loathing for today! I am happy to report that I was out on my walk this afternoon and I stumbled upon two new Characters! God is just hand-delivering them to me at this point:

Kitunda the Awkward yet Jubilantly Supportive of the 26th Amendment Giraffe:

AND....

Akkilokipok the Crippled with Situational Depression and Self Doubt Snow Man

Fail? You be the judge!

Taking a Break to Peddle Some T-shirts. I'm totally kidding... unless you'll buy one.

2009-12-14T18:20:00.013-06:00

Buy it. You obviously won't have it in time for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa, which is fine because Qorviq is the NON DENOMINATIONAL Winter Solstice Celebration Seal anyway.

Who doesn't love Tim Curry enough to wear this on a t-shirt?

A must-have undershirt for your suit (or tux???) for those important overseas business meetings.

For those of you chasing sobriety, I recommend this for a New Years Eve toast.

This is everyone's boss. Show him (or her) you care by wearing this gem next casual Friday.

This would just be a creepy thing to wear on a t-shirt. Really uncomfortable for any occasion.

I'll leave it up to you, building a wardrobe is an important step on this crazy journey we call life.

(seriously though, email if you want one because we are totally kidding... mostly...)