Clueless

We are Moving

2014-08-21T13:57:00.000+03:00

Dear Reader,
We are moving .. as everything does, to a new address with a new Theme.

رواية

2014-02-06T12:45:00.000+02:00

قصة قصيرة

دبت الحياة في اواصلي ،و سرت قشعريرة من اناملي الي جميع انحاء جسدي! حينما لمس عن طريق الصدفة " كيفما احب ان ادعوها صدفة" اطراف يدي،ذلك عندما تعطل حاسوبي الشخصي و انا اعمل و توقف تماما نظام الويندوز عن الاستجابة لاي اوامر،ففي لحظة ياس من جهاز الكمبيوتر اصررت صوتا عاليا،و لعنت الويندوز الذي يتعطل في اليوم مائة مرة.

في هذه اللحظة ظهر مستر نو ايفري ثينج ،او هكذا احب دائما ان ادعوه ،فلطالما ظهر بجوار مكتبي لنتشارك اطراف احاديث،قد تكون سياسية ، قد تكون اجتماعية او للتعرف عن احدث اصدارات السينما او الكتب. وكان دائما يدعي معرفته بكل شئ و اي شئ. و في احيان ليست بالقليلة يظهر بجوار مكتبي لمجرد الظهور. فمن الواضح انه يعيرني بعض الاهتمام و لكن بدوري لم اكن اعير له اي اهتمام فهو بالنسبة لي زميل ، نتشارك نفس المكتب ،اللذي يتشاركه عشرات اخرون. و بالتبعية نتشارك احاديث جانبية.

لن انكر انه مرح و مطلع علي اشياء كثيرة ،و يحمل دائما اخبار لاحدث اماكن المتنزهات. و يحمل بين ثنايا كلامه اطراءات لم يجد مني لها اي صدي. حتي و ان كنت استمتع بالحديث معه فهو زميل معي في العمل لا اكثر و لا اقل. فنحن بالكاد نتحدث عن اي اشياء شخصيه. حتي اني لا اعلم الكثير عنه،ما اعلمه هو انه مطلق. و لا اعلم السبب او كيف. و لا اجد نفسي بالفضول للبحث عن اجابات لاسئلة لم تطرح ابدا. و لكنه يلاحقني دائما بالنظرات. و يتكبد دائما عناء القاء النكات و بذل المجهود لاخراجي من موود سخيف مثلا. و دائما يلاحقني و يتعقبني في ارجاء المكان اللذي نتشاركه حتي اني اكاد اصدق انه لا يعمل!فلم اره مطلقا يعمل!

و دائما احدث نفسي بانه مثل كل الرجال يحلو له الوقوف علي كل زهره و الاستمتاع برحيقها. فمن هذه قد ياخذ كلمة حلوة و من الاخري قد ياخذ شئ اخر و لكن مني انا لن يستطيع الحصول سوي علي هذه الدقائق القليلة في التحدث عن شئ عام.

حتي جاءت هذه اللحظه حينما تعطل حاسوبي الشخصي، في اقل من دقيقة وجدته بجواري في محاولة لانقاذ الموقف.

ظهر مستر نو ايڤري ثينج بجواري متساءلا ماذا حدث بالظبط؟ فتليت له ما حدث بالفعل و كيف و صل الي حاسوبي الي هذه الحالة و في اقل من ثانية و دون اي سابق انذار رايته يقترب كثيرا حتي كان تماما بجواري ،حتي كدت اسمع صوت انفاسه و اشتم راءئحته بكل قوة ،فهو دائما يضع هذا العطر اللذي ما ان دخل المكان تعلم انه هو من دون ان تراه او تسمعه يتحدث ، و اذ فجاة اقتنص الفأرة من يدي،دون اي استعداد مني لهذه اللحظة،حينها لمست اطراف يده يدي!حينها سرت تلك القشعريرة في جميع اواصلي!حينها احسست كاني لمست سلك عار و اصابتي كهرباء امتدت من راسي الي اخمص قدمي!اراني تبلدت في مكاني بعد ان سحبت يدي و توقف الكلام في حنجرتي! اراني تصببت عرقا و الدماء تكاد تنفجر من وجنتي.

تعطلت جميع اجهزتي و ليس حاسوبي الشخصي فقط عند هذه اللحظه. توقف الجهاز المسئول عن الحركة مثلما توقف جهاز الكلام .توقفت كل ساعات العالم حتي اكاد اجزم ان قلبي توقف عن العمل هو الاخر. غير اني شككت انه من كثرة و تقارب و تسارع ضرباته انه سمع هذه الدقات.

يبد انه تملك الموقف جيدا و ظهرت علي وجهه ابتسامة،كانه يعلم ما حل بي و يعلم جيدا ما هو فاعله.

بعض الضغطات و المحاولات لتشغيل الويندوز التي باءت كلها بالفشل و لا اعلم كم اخذت من الوقت او لكم من الوقت مكث هو هناك بهذا القرب!يستمتع بتوقفي انا شخصيا عن العمل منسجما بالاستماع الي دقات قلبي!التي اصبحت هي الاخري تعزف سيمفونيه اكاد اشك ان كل من في المكتب سمعها.

افقت حينما قال،يبد ان جهازك يحتاج الي مساعدة بالفعل، لم اع عن اي جهاز وقتها يتحدث!فهو يملك هذا الحس الفكاهي اللذي يميل الي السخريه في احيان كثيره. نظرت له و احدثت ايماءه براسي موافقة علي كلامه. كاني اخاف ان اتحدث فيظهر صوتي بهذا الضعف.

يبد انه تاثر لما راي و لقد احس بما احدثته جراته فتباعد قليلا مخبرا انه من الافضل ان اذهب بالحاسوب للشخص المختص و كعادته افتي بان في الغالب ستحتاجين الي فورمات للجهاز. و اختفي و لكن قبل ان يختفي ادار راسه ليلتقط اخر لحظة لي و ليسجل هذه اللحظة في ذهنه .و هنا التقت عينانا. التقت في سكون دون اي صخب. تلتها ابتسامه من جانبه و سكون من جانبي.

لم اعلم حينها ان كانت الابتسامة تلك هي علامة انتصار؟فقد تحقق مراده! ام هي ابتسامة رقيقه من جانبه لطمئنتي!لم اعلم.

دقاءق قليلة و قررت الانصراف،فلقد احدثت هذه القشعريره في جسدي ما لم تحدثه اشياء كثيرة موخرا في حياتي.

مكثت الطريق كله افكر ما هو السر في هذي القشعريرة!اتراها لهذا الحد قلبت موازيين يومي!اتراها لهذا الحد قد تتسبب في قلب مواازين اخري. ما هو السر ؟؟

ليتني اعلم

و للاعجاب بقيه ما دام في العمر بقية.

Bonne annee :)

2013-12-24T13:31:00.002+02:00

I just received a Bonne annee call :) From someone I haven't heard from for so loooooong , thank you dear caller .and it only assures one thing, new year's greetings are always great and inspiring :)
fills the air with love and passion :) good morning everyone and good year ahead :) good morning lovely creatures , you're loved , so enjoy the moment
Bonne annee a tous :)

Bisous Bisous

P.S: I just love this time of year....it is so me :) Thank God :) love love love

Mark your calendar 27 october 2014 sunday 11am -12am

2013-10-27T13:17:00.000+02:00

Yeah mark yours and mark mine :) I have just done it :) I have been to aerobics class ! Ordinary enough for you ! Me ! 3yrs back oh yeah ! But today it is like a miracle! That is my first class in three years can you imagine ! In three years I have not been to a classroom where I can wear in my sports gear which I always like and feel look good in ! And have my adrenaline going up and high ! That is awesome ! Awesome that I forgot how it feels ! Awesome that I am not still familliar with the feeling! Still feeling me three and four yrs back and maybe more! It is awesome that I am afraid that I lose it once again ! Afraid that I am not able to have it going along my whole life style and routine! I so wanted that man ! I so wanted that ! The music beat ! The dance! The working out! The squats and the crunches ! Shaking and moving! The burning out! The feeling of my butt and tummy getting smaller! That feeling of being real wet! That you try hard to catch up your breath! Those nice ppl looking at you and spreadin smiles everywhere! That energy and that good ambiance! I so much loved it! This is whe my soul belongs! Not litterlaly! Coz I hope it goes to heaven after all ! But I believe ppl are made for certain things to be in love with certain people and have their karma within certain places , and musical events , working out , and spiritual places as well as sacred mosques and places , thats all where I find my karma and feel really high! This is where I lay off my troubles and pains, this is where I feel good about myself:) this is beyond magic for me ! If my perfect cup of coffee does alot then what I just been to is beyond my coffee !
I am in one of those moods that I am calm , pray that good keeps this up , let me go on a daily basis I wish to do my workouts! And I pray that god saves me and my family from any trouble ! As as much I am content as much as I am afraid that goes away! Ya rab! Hopefuuly it remains ! Ya rab . Save it for me. Ya rab. Y rab. Ya rab. Help me do it and help me continue in doing it.
Give me strenght and give others ability to bear with it as I will need support, please.
Amin
That was my little prayer as I am deeply thankful for making it today. Deeply thankful that I am here ! Deeply thankful and grateful. الحمدلله
الحمدلله الحمدلله. الحمدلله

What went wrong !

2013-10-06T23:17:00.001+02:00

I ask myself over and over again ! What could have gone wrong! What is that big thing we are really fighting on or even for ! What is that reason we are drifting apart!
Why you are not accepting me as much as you're blaming me of not accepting you!
The who you are,one you were and one you become to, I should respect all forms of you and I should accept them all. Without argument. And when it comes to me, I shouldnt be in fact disccussing anything related to me as long as it pisses you off! Shouldnot be talking myself out! I Should be accepting am blocked! Least priority in your life and your worst friend! I should be all that and I still be accepting how you see me and dealing with it normally. Alright. I accept. I did and tried to deal with it! Yet it didn't drive us anywhere but worse! coz you couldnt accept me in return! You couldnt accept my fears! My demands! My needs! You couldnt get how insane this is driving me! how stressed out I am ! I ran a test we had over stress thing and my result was scary in fact! that the facilitator seriously advised me that I should solve it out not only deal with it! you kknow it is getting to me physically now ! with this allregy that coming out of stress! know you not really following and not will really do ! coz you not used to ! and I should accept it this way ! I should hang on to ALL responsibilities without complaint! I should deal with it! I am not a superwoman! I am not not ! I am weak ! very weak indeed! that I can break down in any second! not a drama queen. Just fyi. Stating a fact. And above all you couldn't get how much I love you and how much I need you ! And how much I really want us to be as close and good as we always dreamed for! Sharing life! life partners ! holding responsibilities together! caring for each AS MuCH! giving both room and space as having special and priavte time together! You always got my discussions wrong! Interpreted my fears and questions wrongly! And again drifted me away!made us quite apart! That it became so hard to find an intermediate point to meet at ! Though I still recall and still think we have so much in common ! We surely have differences! Yet we could deal with it! I love you and have always wanted to grow old with you! I love you. And I still wish you love me too. As I sometimes question if you still do.

An article that I see heart breaking

2013-09-10T11:00:00.001+02:00

http://www.shorouknews.com/columns/view.aspx?cdate=10092013&id=28a4d270-56a3-4865-b4c8-d6e282c071eb&fb_comment_id=fbc_1377012459190139_146_1377013415856710#ffbd0dbf8

I Miss you Dad

2013-07-21T03:40:00.004+02:00

:( I don't quite often write about you!ever Since you've passed away we pretend that we will be okay! Each is trying to show strength that no one feels the weakness inside! Though I am sure inside each one of us a space and shallow you left behind! Ever since this year and a half!a lil bit more than.
I miss you dad,I saw you today sitting in your place! Mocking at everyone!bringing laughter to whole place! I saw you trying each kind of food and giving your reedback about it! I saw you sitting in the garden enjoying having us all around you! U were always main reason we were there!I saw you asking for your coffee n same guy delivering it! I saw you smiling at this playing with kids! I saw you having that conversation with R! Still feels like yesterday!I still recall those arguments u always brought to the table!those remarks!your unique way of putting ur ideas straight into any's eyes! I still recall ur last time as if it was today not even yesterday!recall how happy u were back then.
I saw your leg! You re barely able to walk!I saw how hard it was for you to sit that long!I saw you smiling all time long! I felt you were there! You always loved to see us amongst family and ever since early years you were stressing on holding to family attires!even when we were complaining about it!that we want to go out see friends instead !u were always against it and making family comes first! You were the reason why!
I miss you dad:( sealed with heavy tears:( not that I only miss you !i need you, that I feel the need to have you around as I ever needed you as a baby,a child,and much more when I grew up!
I wish you a better place , heavens isA
Dad.wherever you are, be sure we all miss you!not only me! Everyone of us is missin u!
I wasnt sure if it would hv felt better raising any topic related to you, think it is wise there wasnt! Yet as lovers do I wanted to hear any gratitude ,anything of that kind about you! yet it would hv brought sadness to my heart that i wouldnt bear to hold!explode in tears n leave ahead! So think it is wise yet u know
Dad,my prayers go out to you,اللهم عافه و اعف عنه! و اكرم نزله ووسع مدخله،و اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة. اللهم ابدله دارا خيرا من داره، و اهلا خيرا من اهله! و زوجا خيرا من زوجه. و اغسله بالماء والثلج والبرد. اللهم اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة.

The Ring

2013-04-27T02:07:00.002+02:00

This is not about the movie The Ring it is about a more complicated thing TheRing that people wear when they get committed ,engaged or married . Yeah , that ring.

I didn't know it is that important to people nor did I know it is of any importance to anyone but the ones in the relationship ! but I was wrong!
The Ring turned out to be a marital state declation ! People check on your hands , check them out to make sure you are single or not! And if there is a ring in which hand it is ! To know whether it is enagement or marriage! But till this point that whole thing was okay with me,although I have always thought of those Cinderella thoughts of having my beloved name on my ring , wearing it ever after ,and so on. Till you face reality and you are not that loyal to your ring!
You leave it on you watertub, on your desk, on your dresser ,wherever you might do and gradually you stop wearing it! Or maybe you decide you dont want to wear it! And maybe you're done with this relation so you stop wearing it even if you're involved in it from head to toe! Anyways, you show up with no Ring.
I figured out that people question why ! I find it nosey and cheesy ! But fact is they do! Where is your ring ? Why dont you wear your ring ? And most common are you still together?
Thought it will be once , twice oh a lot more but it turned out to be so damn annoying so many lots of times! And I dont have to explain myself to you why I am not wearing my ring! Till something interesting happened! A couple of things in fact , one is , I received a decent proposal ! Oh yeah! From someone Who checked on my ring and didn't see it there for some time so he thought I am free to propose!that was quite interesting for me that men do check on the ring too! I have always thought it is not of any importance to them! But with that proposal I knew it is ! Coz he knows am married and I do have a kid but as long as there is no ring then it means I am free!
I been through a similar thing before !but that time I was wearing that kind of ring which is not a traditional ring, which made the propsed guy think I am not wearing a ring , meaning I just wear a normal ring , and he asked a friend of mine about me and if it is okay to propose!that was kind of strange to me coz he didnt recognize that the ring I am wearing is in fact THE RING !
Time passed by, and seems the ring remains the ring ! Coz again someone approached while being in a public place thinking it would be okay to start a conevrsation with ! I only thought oh me stupid! Coz I am not wearing my ring !
The ring doesnt prevent you such situations coz in fact I been thru some while I was having my ring on and my baby on his stroller ! But the idea of the ring remains as a key or indicator of shall I approach or not! Shall I say it out ! Shall I propose!
I had to wear it on just to prove to those stalkers that I am not interested Thank YOu. Yet I wouldn't have known how important to them it is until I have been through it.

insane

2013-04-08T13:55:00.000+02:00

.8/4/2013 monday .call me insane

مضطربة

2013-04-07T15:53:00.000+02:00

احسن كلمة توصف اللي حاسة بيه دلوقتي! مضطربة! عايزه اهرب ! ماشية علي الصحراوي و حاسه اني ممكن انطلق و اطلع علي اسكندرية ! مش مبسوطة خالص ! و حاسه بخنقه و انفعالات كتيره! مش عارفه ممكن تطلع ازاي بس لما كل حاجه تمشي عكس اتجاهك بيكون تفكيرك اعمل ايه عشان اعديها او اعمل ايه عشان اخليهم يفهموا اد ايه تعبانه منهم ! محدش فاهمني و لا حد حاسس بيا ! حتي اقرب الناس ليا ! عايزه احس بالاهتمام زي ما كل حد في الدايره بتاعتي بيطالبني اهتم بيه ! اتخنقت ! مش قادره اكمل الصورة دي ! مش قادره ! و محدش كالعاده بيساعدني ! يمكن لما اختفي من حياتهم يحسوا بيا ! يمكن ساعتها يزعلوا عليا ! مشهانتحر متخافوش ! وراياابن عايزه اربيه! بس كمان نفسي اهج اهجججج

Flirting in public

2013-03-14T20:44:00.000+02:00

How confusing was always that to me ! Between how good it must feels! And how close it makes look like ! And how bad in others standards! If not rejected! Not to mention 7aram!
But what if it is between married couples! Would it have been alright then ? Dont think ! It would have still remain rejected!
What if it feels good being wanted and said out loud in public ! With nothing that would يخدش الحياء العام " ya3ny whats wrong with a quick kiss on a cheak or even holding hands ! Or being circled with love birds ! Though we always mock lovebirders! Guess it is 3eryan elteet ,sorry,but I am sure that any who would have a chance to be loved in public with those love looks and holding hands!will never reject sucha call!who does idiot! But we only good at laughing at those who seem in love coz apparently we are unable to give love like them!

Now ,two foreigners were sitting next to me,and both were busy with their laptops yet they were holding hands all the time,from time to time look at each in the eye, have some cuddling and smiles that say I love you
I am sorry I noticed that ! But they were too close to be seen and I am sensetive to that so my receptors work highly with max power when it gets close! But I really liked them ,they were so natural not faking anything not even in the looks ! Cntrary to egyptians I am sorry when they make it in public! It is always cheesy and you feel like you want to throw them with closes flipflop لا مواخذه شبشب have no idaea why ! Where the descrimnation came from ! Cant even tell!
But two weeks bacj
K i was sitting in. A aplace where 2 egy adults this time were obviously having a break out for coffee or sometimg as both were dressed in formal attires with even business suitcae,and aft they finished their business ,they then started holding hands and looking at each in the eye ! How awkward it felt for me then ! Coz they seemed old to do so ! But few moments later I was in love with them ! Dont know why ! They did nothing more than the holding han and feeling of love birds but they really looked lovely in those business attires and in love !
Why do we fail to make love the way others do ! Why we hate them at somepoint and love them madly at another!
Why we sometimes accept it from some and sometimes just hate it and hate tehe idea of being loved!
Why we find some cheesy and some classy! Some to be accepted from and others to just blame it along! How double standards work in that perfectly!
If you come to me, i know it would bot comfy having anything antimate in public but holding hands never failed me! I wish i can walk ,work do anything while holding hands ! Really ! And wouldnot mind seeing love gests too in public ! Yes in public,coz if you can do it in public then it says a lot to me .
How aboutyou ? How you see it yourself ?

Blessed

2013-03-14T20:08:00.000+02:00

We always complain and talk about problems and we barely talk about our blessings!goes perfectly well when a single woman says it out loudly that married or committed always complain or talk when they have complaints but they never open their mouths if they are okay or maybe Happy !
Why is that ! I find it curious to know ! Why we only talk if we have complaints ! Is it about envy eye ! That we are always afraid of ! Is it our nature that we only wAnt to show the sad face and we are scared to death to show the good one! We genuinely say coz there is no good face! But in fact there is !there are too many good faces indeed! God loves us!I always look to my kid and imagine how much I love him and think how then God loves us who created us from nothing! If this is my l ove to my kid definitely with no comparison god loves us more and in his way!which is shown all the way all the time but we just sometimes fail to comprehend! Although it is crystal clear!

I am kind of biased by life of pi ,which I have seen it today and as usual good movies leave the impression on me! I leave the movie theatre with the movie in and all about me!and that one is brilliant! So as Pi mentioned God is always there watching you , protecting you in his way ,even if u sometimes fail to see him , it is your fault !

I am blessed elhamduellah ! I am with too many blessings to count !
You know I am having my coffee now which is good and always feels blessed to have a good coffee:)
We need to feel it ! In side out ! You are blessed!
و ان تعدوا نعم الله لا تحصوها " صدق الله العظيم

نقطة نظام

2013-03-10T20:38:00.000+02:00

محتاجه نقطة نظام ! وقفة مع النفس !
علي كل المستويات ! اجتماعيا و نفسيا و ماديا و صحيا !
مين قال العيشه البوهيمي بتريح ! خالص علي فكره ! دي بتقلق و بتتعب اكتر منها بتريح !
نقطة بظام. مطلوبه علي وجه السرعه و مطلوب تكون مش نقطه واحده !مطلوب تكون عدة نقاط ! لا انا عمري هالتزم بيهم و لا حتي هامشي عليهم! بس خانبسط جدا و انا بقولهم و بخططلهم!
الانرجي كلها بتطلع و انت بتكتبهم و بعد كده يحللها حلال! مش مشكله! نبقي نقولهم تاني:)
مبسوطه اني رجعت اقرا تاني! كان فايتني كتير قوي! الدخول لعالمي السحري يبدا بكتاب و قلم ! منه للالله الفيسبوك و التويتر! اللي خلانا بس مستقبلين و مسطحين ! جدا!
نقطتي عايزه يبقي يها حسابات متخرش المايه! و كمان اهتمامات جديده! و روحانيات و اجتهدات في هذا الاتجاه!
دي لسه فيها كلام كتير بس انا لازم انزل انقل العربيه من "النقطة"اللي هيا فيها دلوقتي :) و للحديث بقية

Young Woman

2013-03-10T20:23:00.000+02:00

I have spent most of my life time thinking it is best to be young ,young as in teens and early twinties ! I never thought I would struggle when I reach out my thirties ! I am 33 btw you may have noticed from earlier post,anyways , it never crossed my mind that 30's would be that harsh or tough to me ! Not in numbers nor in spirit ! But definitely in shape and health . I ever thought it is just a number ! Doesn't represent anything but a number !
But when I made it to 30+ I realized I wished I would have remained in 20's for good ! The spirit and everything is amazing and breath taking when it comes to 20's ,while it is devastating and heart breaking when it comes to 30's !that is what they have taught us to ! And made it well and crystal clear , as if they wanted us to give up on life as soon as we get there!
But ,voila,I have grown up to a young woman, I am not struggling anymore, I enjoy this stage and I learned well how to enjoy it well! Even now I am not looking back at 20's as a part of heavens,nope, it is mentioned that women in heavens will be in age of 33,my age NOW!
We waste our lifetime looking for something we don't have! And spend what's left regretting what we should have /not done ! Insane! What we do to ourselves is completely insane!
We need to stop and look at what we have achieved so far and enjoy it ,feel good about it and look forward to something better with ACCeptance! Key word is accept and be grateful and thankful!
Know what,only now I realize how 33 is awesome! Being a Young Woman is awesome! You realize the compliments and approaches people do to approach you ! You realize you not that little kid anymore nor that immature creature ! I am a woman and it is lovely to be so!
Thanks to the int'l women's day :) Thank you every one outhere for making us Women strong!
And as I have started my talking with , and as it once was said" I have grown up to a young woman :)"
Enjoy it you Women outhere :) stay strong

اصحاب عرر

2013-03-10T19:54:00.001+02:00

ايوه عرر ! بالظبط كده ! متستغربش ! او ميغركش !
مش عشان ابن وزير و بتشتغل في بنك و بتقبض كتير ! مش معناها انك ابن ناس و كلاس !
خالص علي فكره ! انا من كتر ما شوفت و لفيت مش مصدقه الاصناف اللي في السوق !
خد عندك دي واحد ابن ناس و اسمه هاي كلاس تخرج معاه ميطلبش غير قهوه و يشرب من مايتك و يقاسمك في اكلتك! طب متطلب! لا! اصل ملسش نفس ! امال مبرشط ليه علي مال و اكل الناس! و تيجي ساعة التشيك ! يعمل بليد حساب و قال كل اللي خده ب ٥ جنيه بالتيبس ! هوه في كه ! ده الحاجه الساقعه ب ١٣ جنيه و احسب التاكسس و السيرفيس و لو اتكرمت و سيبت تيبس ! يبقي هتقفل ٢٠ جنيه بالمستريح!
اول مره تعديها و تكمل من جيبك و تاني مره تعديها ! و تيجي عند التالته و تقوله ستوب ! راجع الحساب ! يعمل عبيط و اهبل و من طنطا ! و لما تواجهه يقوللك معلش كملي اصلي مسحبتش فلوس ! اصل اي نيله و هباب !
عارف المشكله مش انه كده ! المشكله انه فاكر نفسه ابن ناس بجد! و تناكه علي خلق الله ! و يطلع عين الجرسون و هاتك رايح جاي و طلبات ! و لا عمره سابله بقشيش! مش مصدق في كده! ابسولتلي ! ده في انقح من كده ! هوه نفس ذات الشخص يبقي يومك اسود لو طلب اكل! لازم تعمل حسابك انك اكيد متعور في اد كده عشان هوه ابن ناس و فاكر ان كل الناس ولاد كلب! يحسب حسبه عجيبه و يحط ناقص ٥٠ جنيه و في الاخر يقوللك انا ليا باقي ! لفظ ! و لكن يعجز لسانك السليط عا ايذاءه و تتفضل و تدفعله باقي حسابه ! و هوه كمان فاكر انه ليه باقي !
قالك الكلام ده بيحصل اهو بقالو سنين يمكن عشره او زياده حبتين ! قالك ايه اللي رماك ع المر ! قلت اللي امر منه ! انه اصلا مفيش صحاب ! هما دول اسمهم صحاب ؟ احيه! دول عرر!
مع ًالعلم بقي ان النموذج ده اغني مني بمراحلللل! و فلوسه في البنك اد كده و احسن مني ماديا اكيد! و مع ذلك " نتن" .

النموذج التاني اللي يخرج معاه و ميطلبش حاجه ! اول مره حصلت استغربت ! قلت معلش يمكن لسه واكل و لسه شارب و محلي و كل حاجه! بس تقعد اكتر من ساعتين و يرغي اد كده و في الاخر برضه كل ما يجي الويتر برضه ميطلبش حاجه! يبقي اكيد في ان!
عدت المره الاولنيه و التانيه و التالته و اللي بعده و اللي بعده و ولا مره شرب كوباية ماية !
كل مره استغرب و اقول معلش يا بت عديها ! متظليمهوش ! و ده برضه تقيل مش سهل و فلوسه كتير ! طب ليه كده ! و التمستله الاعذار ! عادي ! لغاية ما مره و احنا خارجين و كالعاده مطلبش حاجه و قام مطلع بعد شوية كيس شيبسي ياكله ! مصدقتش ! اتكسفت ! و حسيت اني التفضحت ! بس انا مالي هوه اللي اتفضح ! انا باكل و بشرب و بطلب مايه و ديسيرت كمان ! و بسيب تيبس ! يبقي هوه اللي اتعر مش انا ! بس حقيقي مش مصدقه ! ايه الاصناف اللي اعرفها دي ! و ازاي بقع واقفه كده ! و انا اصلا مش فاهمه بيجيبوا الجراه دي منين !
النموذج ده مستمر لغاية دلوقتي و دواليك.

النموذج الثالث: مش بغني النموذجين اللي فاتوا ، معتمد لسه علي اهله ماديا جامد ، شغله مش بيجيب فلوس كتير ، بس هوه برضه ابن ناس جدا ! جدا ! و لكن ملتمسه العذر عشان فعلا معتمد علي اهله و فلوسه قليله! الاستاذ ده لما باخرج معاه لازم يحسبها بالسحتوت قبل ميخرخ هنقعد فين و هناكل ايه ! و لازم تتم الجمله بتاعت اصلي يا دوب و معييش فلوس كتير ! تفتكر ينفع كذا و كذا ! و انا اقلله و لا تحمل هم ! انا معاك ! يقوللي لا طبعا !
المهم نخرج و يطلب طلبه المعتاد و يحسب علي قد طلبه بالظبط لما يجي الحساب لا يزود ضريبه و لا اي حاجه و يقوللك بكل صراحه ملهاش لازمه التيبس ! دول واخدين فلوس اد كده ! و برضه ينتهي الحوار اني شايله الليله ! بس. احقاقا للحق الاخ التالت ده فعلا بيصعب عليا ! تصدق انه لما بيطلب مايه بيطلبها من الحنفيه ! و يوكد من الحنفيه بس يا ريت عليها تلج! هوه بس بيفقعني ساعات انه لما يبتدي ياكلنفسه ساعات تتفتح و يبتدي يطلب حاجات كتير و يسالني علياستحياء معلش اصلي جعان او نفسي احلي و مش هيبقي معايا فلوس ! و انا عرق الشهامه يضرب ! طبعا ! اكيد! و انا مفروسه بصراحه ! اهلي علموني معيييش ميلزمنيش ! بس ارجع اقول معلش!
اكتر حاجه بتحرجني لما صديقي ده ساعات يطلب الويتر عشان يساله عن حاجه بكام و هتبقيبكام بعد الضريبه و كله! ساعتها ببقي في ربع هدومي !
و احقاقا للحق كتير بيعرض انه يردلي اللي خده ! و انا برفض! و غالبا بيتفرج عليا و انابطلب و باكل علي اني مبذره علي راي دنياسمير غانم !
هيا دي بقي يا سيدي الاشكال اللي مصاحبها ! طبعا في ناس كويسه مجبتش سيرتها عشان دول قليلين قوي ! سو فيو تو مينشين ! بس فيه و للاسف مش باشوفهم كتير !
حياتي مليانه ناس ماسي و ناس ملهاش لازمه! كارهه تكون الماده سبب! بس للاسف تبقي السبب الالف لو فيه ٩٩ سبب!
علي فكره لاانا معايا فلوس كتير و لا لاقياهم فيالشارع ! و بيطلع ترابنتيني عشان اجيب الجنيه ! بس عايزتعيش لارج يبقي لازم تصرف علي لارجنتك !مش تبقي لارج علي قفا اللي جنبك! انا قفايا تعب الصراحه !

زهقت منك و اتخنقت

2013-03-10T18:32:00.002+02:00

عمري ما تخيلت اني هازعل منك كده! عمري ما حسيت اني ممكن اكرهك ! عمري ما فكرت اني اسيبك ! بس انا خلاص للاسف تخلصت من حبك ! و معدتش في قلبي الا كرهك ! مش بكرهك بس مش قادره استحملك ! مش قادره افهمك ! مش قادره اتعامل معاكي و معنديش اي تفهم و مش عايزه حتي اتفاهم !
اديتك فرصه و اتنين و تلاته ! و انتي و لا هنا ! و دايما مطنشه ! انتي اصلا مش ماسكه فيا ! انتي هتكسري زير ورايا! و لا كانك في يوم هويتي و لا علي ترابك بكيتي !
حزينه و مقهوره ! وصلنا لمرحلة مينفعش نكمل ! و مفروضين علي بعض لانا عارفه اسيبك و لا انتي عارفه تسيبيني ! نفسي في اول فرصه و اغور من وشك! معلش مكنتش متعوده اتكلم كده معاكي ! نفسي يفضل شوية حب مني ليكي و يفضل شوية حب و احترام منك ليا !
كان نفسي تفهيميني و كان نفسي افهمك ! بس خلاص وصلنا لنقطة خلاف! لانتي شايفاني و لا حاسه بيا اصلا! و لا انا طايقك و لا طايق اعيش معاكي و لا ليكي !
سيبيني امشي ! سيبيني يمكن الاقي مكان تاني ارتاح فيه ! يمكن الاقي حضن يضمني ! يمكن الاقي و يمكن ملاقيش ! اهو ساعتها ارجعلك و راسي فوق رقبتي ! و تضحكي عليا و اهو ممكن كمان تشمتي فيا ! سيبيني بس ! سبيني ابوس ايديكي ! سيبيني ! مش عايزه ابص ورايا و لا عايزه افكر فيكي ! سيبيني ابوس ايديكي

Confession

2013-03-10T00:02:00.001+02:00

I need to confess ! Not that kind of big confessions that brings everything upside down! Or blows the world into pieces ! Nah ! That kind sort of simple confession that I need to throw away ! Away your way. That you sometime have a chance to see it or read it and know how important you were to me while I was only something to you.

I have always loved you and never ever hated you! Never doubted my love to you nor questioned my anger though.that is my confession,see how simple it is !

I see dreams that I call nightmares that I don't feel quite well with ! That kind of dreams that leaves your body in struggle and suffer all day! That you have a headache all day long with painkillers only adding up pain into your whole system. I am optimistic though! Yet they keep on attacking me , not to lie to you I feel sometimes they hold a message underneath! That I would be dying soon.yes,that is how I feel or see! I am trying not to exaggerate but yet this is how I currently feel.I tried to skip this feeling ! We all gonna die one day , why do we fear death anyway! I am not ready as many of you might feel too ! Anyways not to bring it this way of readiness or not but back to my confessions and that what I have always wanted to say to you is " I have always loved you" deep and warm .big enough that I was ready to do anything in the world to you! You were my first love ,first in everything and you were the Father to my son " I might have not told you about this part dear reader , that I have become a wife and mom"but to cut it short I am now. I have been through a lot which kept me away from being in sync with my news , but to tell you the truth it wasn't as easy as I ever thought it would be. Anyways back to my confession , my love. And thats what kept me hurt all that long , that I didnt find you in places you should have been fulfilling nor found me in your life.you kept me away,far enough that I always thought there is a big gap between us.even if we tried to get closed there was always an ice barrier,I have tried my best to break the ice and you tried your best to set it in place.

The reason I am writing this now that I feel insecure,the world is falling for me, accompanied with my scary dreams or nightmares whatever they are , my perfect soundtrack now is Adele's skyfall!

I just wanted to tell you that i have always loved you , as you would never know or feel how much I did ! I have been always keen to keep you in my life! Even if we were sometimes discussing to drift apart! That was my only way left to keep you close ! Your absence,long hours away! Your ignorance, not having me in each tiny detail not even close! Always think it is me , whatever really ! Not really discussing this now! If you feel that would be your last msg I wouldn't risk wasting in in bickering nor on blame ! I would only say how much I did love you ! And how always wanted you close and happy! How always thought we can make a perfect partner to each if we just listen and do ! I have always thought how fragile my feelings were to you! Were like a plant that needed to be watered and sunned but in many times you forgot to pour some-water on it for days and sometime long.

I do love you and do wish we had lived a perfect life! I ever wanted to and wished for.

You might question what is the about ! Believe me ,me myself don't know! I just wanted to say smth that you remember me with someday ! If you ever had the chance to read me.

And ask you a favor though, to take a good care of my kid ,naive me to ask such a favor! But I am stressing on it ! Coz I have seen good men their lives turn over after their wives leave! And of ourse drifting their kids' away too,so as much as you love him ! And as much as you ever loved me ! To ever take care of my kid ever after . I now feel I am done !just likeone of those old movies where the actor does this and then swallows all the pills of his meds and put his head on his desk or his bed and the sheroe comes after asking for his name to find him already dead!

Have no clue what is that about !only smth Been in heart and mind! For quite long now And had to be written down.

I Confess.

33

2012-09-26T13:10:00.000+02:00

I am turning 33 !! an annann aaaaaaaaaaah! I never pictured myself writing this! not that I get that far in thirties but feel that bad about thirties!:( oh yea, that is the truth dear! can't deny it ! I know I used to say it's only a matter of numbers,doesn't indicate anything ! it doesn't still ! I even get mixed up with numbers! which is True I don't fake it ! whenever I am asked about my age! I hesitate for a sec or two,not about revealing the number but making sure what was it ! i feel like it's 30 or 31 at most ! don't see myself there by anymeans ! I once wrote about growing up! earlier in my page and I recall I was back then wondering why ppl would hide their age or just pretend younger , and now for instance I think I get what it was about !!
I don't hate thirties, I just feel there are alot I wanted to accomplish before getting this number, I also have countless blessings I know, which I am thankful for, and couldn't utter anyword but ElhamdulEllah,yet I wanted some stuff, just feel it would only feel good,being at age with my bucket list :)
for instance, having 3 kids :) yea, I wish I have 3 , I wish, and would have loved to have more btw , but I would be realistic and ask for 3 :)
and I would love to love and be loved back,always and for ever and for good.one lifetime wish , that never ages or grow old,and I would ask for it anywhere ,anytime..luv luv luvvv.
I would have wished to have my own business too! yea, isn't it time for !! I need it badly , one of my real dreams ! that I don't wake up that early to go to someone's place ,who gives me alook ! no! and leave by their timings even if there is nothing I am really doin ! and get paid upon their revenues!
I need to have my own thing! passion in doing it! wake up smiling that I am going to work,me,myself and I ,the boss.do mything really !! not hired at any ! wish if I can manage that someday that it can come true !
I wished by age of 33, that I would have traveled around Europe,wish to go to Paris and Italy..wish if I can make a long tour though, wish if I am free willy that I can do whatever and Wherever.
Travelling is always among the biggest wishes I usually have,and even if I can't do it abroad,I would still aim to do it internally,A lot to be seen and visited among here..I wish .
Friends,big and always been an issue, I would have had that big group,that we go out a lot and do alot of activities together.
I wish I stay in shape. I work Hard on it ! it feels good that when you meet ppl and they still see you the same! it even feels good having proposals still :)oh yeah:)
I wish I would do whatever I like Wherever and whenever..sky is the limit.
wana go camping , safari , I wouldn't mind going to Kinea khalesss ..
33 be nice to me, previous ones were pretty harsh dear , ever since I reached out 30 and I am suffering !! I am not enjoying it by any means ! so I BEG you PLEASE,be safe and calm.and bring me love ,joy and Happiness.
Dear 32, Glad that you're finally leaving, I am sorry I never liked you ,neither did you ! so it's time to say Goodbye dear,and bring me a better one this year.I am waiting huh :)
Love me 33 embrace those 33 get me all the love in the 33 and flush away all the tears 33 and send me to Heavens at 33
till then..see you 33 and farewell 32
33

10 Things I LOVE about you --->>To The Love of my life..

2012-09-24T03:00:00.000+02:00

Re-Posting once again ! I just wish I can have half ,or less I used to.
When all you need is feelin loved and love back.
I now figure out that three years had passed away ,with a lot of memories beneath..

===================

I have been thinking lately to write this ,"the 10 things I hate about you " , and I thought it would be nice to start with the 10 things I love about you ! ..they used to teach us in the communication skills courses and courses alike, that you should start with the positive things before the negative ones, and here I am ,applying the rule..and I will start with your 10 best that I like...

The idea of the 10 things I hate about you , came from the movie once, and I think I been to someone's blog who wrote smth alike sometime ago. so credits of Idea go to both.

lastly, I think it is great that you too write down what you too like about me and what you most hate , and maybe we communicate it ,seeking better relation and communication.

Here we go :)

10 Things I love about you

__________________________

1- I love you when " I wake up on your call in the morning, with your shiny voice , rise and shine ..."my nickname"...,"when you have that goodmorning spirit ! when the vibes are trasferred through air.and just make me smile and feel good about the day..when you get me with Goodmorning :)

2- I love you when we are in a fight and you make it up to me , I love it when you surprise me with a call ,or droppin by , intiating a movement to make it up to me..with your sweet words and tenderness... remember, when we had a fight last new year 's,and following morning I found you waiting for me around my house ! though you could have waited for ages ! you had no clue then if i will be goin out or not that day ! yet you waited for me that day for hours ! and it was really nice then ! I still recall that day ! I love it when you make it up that way.

3- I love you when you look for my hand .tryin to find your place to it..whenever wherever we are :) ,,walking down the street , sittin in whatsoever place...even if we are in the middle of a fight..it is so romantic ! i just love it when we hold hands :)

4-I love you when you wash away my tears , I love you when you just cant stand seein me cry and do all it takes to wash those tears away ..I love you :)

5- I love you when you go off your way just to make me feel happy , or just cause you know that I wanted smth someway , you just say yes to whatever I say ..you go off yourway for me, you are ready to do smth you dont like for me...

I still recall that you went to movies with me though it was tamer hosny's ! I still owe you this !

6- I love you when you pass by, to pick me up, me goin down stairs , you see me and I see you :) and you have that smile on your face ! I just love it :) it makes me feeeel happy .

that you are here for me , and you are happy to see me..and I do miss you.

7- I love it more, when I see that smile with those words comin from you " you look wonderful tonight !:)

8- I love it when you sing to meeeeeeeee!! this is really amazing , I love it when you do sing really..whatever you do , it just finds away to my heart :) ..and yes Sotak 7elw:)

9- I love it when you fix me my coffee:) and ask me beakhabasa if I need cinnamon :)

10- I love it when you make me laugh :) you know you most likely make me laugh ;) and I love it when you do try to help me get out of bad mood..but please balash 2effehat 2alsha :)

11- I love presents ! who does not ! and I love your taste in that ! you are brilliant ! and I love it when it comes in non expected occasion ! dont get me wrong ..you dont hv to buy me one NOW:)

12- I love it when you call and sms me before you go to bed..when the last thing you say is goodnight babe..

13- I love sms's, you know I do, I love it when you sms me mid day sayin you love me, or just call me to say so ..I love it when we are on a fight and see those tons of sms's and missed calls too.

14- I love Home..you are my home.

Oh I exceeded the 10 already ! and I still have alot to say !

15- I love compliments generally ! who doesnot ! So i love it when you do on my looks, my talks , my achievments at work...etc :) I love it when I see you proud of me , and see that look on your face,that you really like me and in love with me :)

16-I love it when you do your best to let me get over my blues..whether you know the reason or not ! I love it when you are there supportive..and listening , not really questioning but indeed supportive ..you listen to my fears , doubts attentively and you do your best to make it ease on me.

17- I love it when we communicate, whether on a fight or not..I love when I see that we really can handle a talk ..we can understand each, we respect each .

I love it when we have an intellectual talk, one of those that my face goes red and my voice's pitch gets higher we arf3 el 3alam :) ..I love it when we can talk in anything really..anything , and have a good talk.

18-I love you when we are both on the same wavelenght ..I love it when I see telepathy between us.when I call you while you were just dialing in my number..when I think if you and I just see your name on my mobile

(it is happening now :)) you are callin now :) ..You see :) and you just communiacted good news!)

19- I love it when I see you doing stuff to impress me , however they are tiny things or big things.I love it when I see it on your face that you love me.

20- I love you when you drop me off, wait to see me ridin the stairs with that look and smile on your face and that Love you, I still miss you vibe in the air..

21- I love it when you are keen to go to movies or a concert just cause I want to ...and I love it more when we both want to.

22- I love it when we communicate and share everything...and capable of sharing whatever.

23-I love it when you suggest my favorite desserts ..brownies obsession ,sundae with extra chocolate and caramel ,or Power and then we go for Burger :)

It is really sweeeeet.

24-I love you and I love you more when I see that you love me as much as I do ..in whatever you do and say ..

25-I love you when we recall our history , our past , and think of our future :)

when you recall everything we shared , how it happened , with dates and timings ! you get me when you do that ! when you still recall what we both were wearing that day !

I love it when we talk of our future and how we want it to be , of our kids insha2allah..of everything..I really enjoy and love talking to you.

26- love long hair on you :) you know that already !

27- love you when you call me just after we hang up to tell me that you still miss me :) , or call me thousands of times a day for same reason :)

28-I love it when you check on my blog and comment or discuss with me what I wrote..

when you check my facebook and too make comments or send me on the wall :)

I love it too when you drop me a msg or gift there..It really feels good when you the one you love is caring about everything you do and interested in what you too do.and you do that to me :)

29-I love you when you look great and you know that you look awesome and you say it bekhobs 3m.... mozz ?? :))

30- I love it when You recognize my smell , and know the perfume I wear :) and sometimes can tell if i had a shower or not,coz you can tell there is a shampoo's smell not that I stink :))

31- I love it when we argue over whose IQ is higher :) I believe inny me3ddeyak bemara7el :P:)

32-I love you when you do the thinking and not ask me to fish :)

33-I love you when you share the dream, fears and doubts ..when you talk it.

34-I love you coz you are faithful to me and you dont lie to me

35-I love you coz you gave me all the love I needed and still crave .

36-I love you coz you are my soulmate, my best friend, my partner ,my whole family and the whole world.

37-I love you when we go for prayers wherever we are..

38-I love you when you say " allla ballala laaaaaa "....acting mahmoud abdelaziz :)

I love you...and I love my loving to you.. you are too good to be true.

39- I love you when we listen to our favorite song , or watch our favorite movie..

I love you when it is crystal clear we have so much in common.

40-I love you when you drink of my Coke , and you are always done with your food before I am,and try to eat mine...

41-I love you when you do say and mean " everything will be alright "

42-I love you when we go shopping together.

43-I love you when you cruise around my house, with your hand on horn,playin Ba7ebek ba7ebek:) I love you when you do it unexpectedly :)

44-I love you when you surprise me at work and find you there "around my work place", or surprise me by droppin by some place you know i will be at .

45-I love you when we cruise and you always make it " el-laffa eltaweela " , though its already late , n we hv been cruisin for hours now, but you just dont want to leave me :)
same when you ask , ha ,adkhol yemeen walla atl3 elkobry:)....it feels great that you always miss me and longing to me :)

46-I love you when you come around KFC and always ask " 7arra2 ? "..:) whether we are hungry or not ! in so manytimes we just hd our dinner / lunch , n you still ask it in a funny way...7arra2:)) and you sometimes just go for it ,when me / you is blue .it goes well with the bad mood I guess :) the chili toasted twister effect :) with chicken pop corn :)

47- I love you , when it is time to step out of your car " when you are droppin me off " and it is way late already , but neither me or you wants to leave or get home ! we just want to stay with each! I love it when we miss each while we are still together ! and cant leave to get home !
I love you when I see that " stay some more " on your face , when you want to stay for good:) I want too ! ..when you keep on cruising around my house not letting me to get out :) ..I love youu and I dont want to leave you , even to get home.
I miss you already , so longing to you.

I Love You

I love you and I still think that list can hold more, It sure does..words dont come easily you know!

you know ! it shocks me now ,as it feels there is nothin really left that I hate about you! at least for now:)
you see ! it feels good ..I love you ...am thankful for the countless things you give me!
I am grateful I have you in my life 3mry , I am happy that I do.
Rabenna yekhaleek leyya, Love you babe...more n more n more

_____________________________________________

N.B: they are not in order, though i might consider re-arranging them later! , I just let 'em out the order they hit me.

Job Vacancy

2012-03-16T16:56:00.005+02:00

I need a friend , as I can find no one around that I can talk to , share my life with , do stuff together, get back to when I feel like talking or doing whatsoever ,share my fears with ,my future dreams,plans ,doubts and silly life routine.
lean my back onto when I see it dark,hopless and not worth living.
Someone that able to handle those tough times we go through, Hence; I thought of posting it as a job.

*Here is the Job details:

Objective : a Friend is needed . " I need a friend and I need it badly."

Job Description :

Requirements:
1- male /female, but a male is preferably , as I 've learnt that women always have issues !
2-age: 29+ ,no place for ppl with middle age crisis .
3- Experience: 10 years + of Listening to ppl , recommendation of being a good friend from several friends,and the ability to share and Talk,not only listen !
4-Driving License: That can drive all the way just to see a friend in need.
5- Outgoing, vivid ,that we can go out together , go to events , moviez,go for coffee,go shopping ,whatsoever
6-Open to life , intellectual, open minded , well dressed is a plus.
7-Revolutionist but not activist .
8-Employed already ,as this is a part time job.and no place for losers
9-well educated and with good manners.I am sorry I can't stand it otherwise.
10-Self Confident , with a bearable ego,religious is a plus.
11-Done with the so so relationships,games,etc ;mature enough .
12-willing to travel."even share those naiive dreams of going to places and travelling the world if we can't afford it , just to enjoy the living dream"
13-Fun to be with.
14-Honest , I hate Liars, I just hate them , hate them hate them. no place for liars and cheaters.
15-a believer: still believes in butterflies in the stomach,love at first sight ,the one,perfect match,ever after love,and those out dated feelings,.. serendipity is one of his/her best movies.
16- Mounir fan is a plus , that we can go to his concerts together.
17-in love with sun,sand,and the sea.
Bonus: As terms of friendship, you will be invited in so many occassions to lunch ,dinner and coffee more often. I don't do gifts anymore in birthdays , but I can do that for you ,no problem.
*eligible for promotion :Best Friend if candidate proved his/her best in being a good friend.

Working Hrs: 24*7 with allowance for inconvenient hrs. 2days off aweek .and 30 days off along the year. public holidays are Off .

You may wonder by now, what is the salary , I can assure you it pays off, not in the terms of money I am sorry! but in the terms of friendship. you will find me there for you , I will be doing my best though,I am a good listener, and think I am fun to be with.

P.S: You don't have to send your resume, as the job opening is closed.Yea, I am sorry ,I reached out the point, that it is me who is not open to life anymore, not willing to open up, not anymore.
call it depression , frustration , or whatsoever.
sincerely,
your good friend.

Time Heals ? what time did they mean anyway?!

2012-02-17T01:42:00.002+02:00

Time passed by , and for me it still feels like yesterday.
They said , everything will be alright, did they lie about it ?
Everything is moving on , I too can pretend That I do, but the fact is , I am still stuck in that moment in the past.
will it be really healed by time ? did they really mean it ? do they really know !
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lost my father

2012-01-02T11:45:00.003+02:00

My father passed away last week.
I experienced the minute of him passing away,He was in my car infact.sitting on the rear seat.
He was laughing and talking normally , we been to the elections place, he went down and voted, and then came back.he spoke normally.and just a couple of minutes later , he was dead.
It is very hard on me, very hard that I am even writing this,
I owe him a lot. I owe him apology on my sillyness, my tough attitude, my rudeness in most of times. I always thought I have reason for that , that the GAP between us was getting big and bigger that I thought there is no hope in becoming close ever again.
I was his favorite,his special daughter, I frankly knew that, but I lived last decade believing I am not. I chose to believe I am doing good to him and that is enough, and I am not obliged to do more.
I used to argue all his talks, all his opinions, I believed we are totally different , that no need to argue.
I was foolish, I was stupid , I miss him badly.I miss you dad.I want you back.
I miss you a lot.
I miss him in everything I do and I don't.
I feel not only I lost my father, but I lost my back and support.
I knew that I always had someone to go back to, and depend on.he was my back.
I would go back to him and ask him on whatsoever, as he always had an answer for every question.and any question.
He wouldn't see me in trouble and stand still ! he was always there , especially with whatsoever related to my car, I recently had a bad situation with my car , and I recall he was calling me every each hour to comfort me and just to tell me , he is there is I need him.and when I need him, he is there ,indeed.I miss him.
I knew I always had a father that I can depend on . He taught us to do everything as well, to be fully independent, I sometimes blamed him on that , I wanted to enjoy some dependency,yet I now know I was dependent on him. sleeping over,and knowing that I don't have to care about tomorrow,coz he is there.not to worry , he is there.
no need to worry the trouble we sometimes dig ourselves in, coz he was there.
and now he is not ! and I feel like Lost!!
I sometimes imagine he will be back, as of returning of along trip , I see him around the house, I feel he is still there at most of times.around his chair , his bed..the places are still the same, we haven't moved it an inch! and it all reminds me of him.
I miss you dad. miss you like I never thought i would miss you this way.
I miss you and I cry everynight hoping and praying that you would be in a better state.
I pray each night since that day that your soul rest in peace, and that you forgive me.
I wish you come just one day , one hour , and I would make it up , I would do all the right things in the world,and undo all the wrong I have done.
I see him everyday, I see him all day long, I still picture him in my car ,when I look in the front mirror, I still see his face.hear his laugh!
I still hear his voice. I still picture him in all life situations, especially on those I used to lean back on him.
I love you dad, love you so much , I am sorry I wasn't saying it a lot. I was not saying it though I feel it deeply. I love you.
I cry a lot , I will never forget you . I will never forgive myself for not being there whenever you asked me to ! I am sorry I was always having excuses for not being there. I hate myself for being so away. I hate now all the reasons that kept me that far .
I wish if you can come back , that I tell you all this , I speak to you in my dreams, I wish you are here now with me.
I am sorry dad, but you know that I love you and I terribly miss you.
sealed with tears.

Dreams ATTACK

2011-12-14T12:35:00.004+02:00

I woke up on a dream , That I couldn't quite get or clarify ! I wanted to focus on the signs sent out through it ! and I couldn't yet !
It was full of names , faces and places ! I don't identify any rightnow, but at minute of rising up , that one second when you can tell if you only can chase another second to go on that dream again ! if I only can go back to sleep !
But I couldn't go back to that dream ! nor Do I recall it right now ! only the effect of it remains !
Overwhelmed , over tensed ! crying ,fighting for the silliest reason ! looking for something I don't really know ! or I might do but I prefer to pretend that I don't !
memories are all over the place ! in my brains , in my writings ,in my phone , in my eyes, in my hands ... .it is all related in a way or another !!! still , I resent and I regret . and above all I miss.
Due all of those negative and positive feelings I am sure of few things I miss, they might sound naiive or non important for others , but for me they are quite Big and essential too. that they make me stop working,and stop living at somepoint if I don't have them ! I wana live those moments back again, I wish if I have that remote control ,of the movie Click.n I just click the rewind botton and go back change and Undo whatever I disliked, and Paused on the ones I ever loved and I might choose to live in those ones for good ! I would go back for each situation I liked and every good momery I live on.I would go back to the people I ever loved and enjoyed having them in my life and would keep them there and never let go of them. I wold too go and remove those ones who ever hurt me or caused me a bad feeling / memory that makes me feel now.
I would stay in my early 20's for a while , I always loved being there ..with the teen /growup in between spirit , travelling all year , and doing watever I liked and found doable ! I miss that alot !
I would go back and hug every and each one I now know they are here for me , I would kiss those moments I knew how hard it was for them to be so , I would kiss all the trouble away . I would have done all what it takes to keep Time as it was back then.
But As I already know, that is only in my dreams , and in my dreams I can do so :)
so I am still affected by last night dream , and that one of two nights before, when I had a glimpse of all that coming true.and woke up on the fact they are in vain.
only left for me are the memories I live on.

Love in the air...

2011-12-13T12:03:00.002+02:00

Red Red Red , The whole world is dressed in Red .
It is Xmas time , it is a happy time .
I love the Xmas spirit , where tress are wrapped up with happy lights , Xmas plants are everywhere. People look shiny ..it is like everthing is trasmitting LOVE.
Love me love me , say that you love me..
Hold me, Hold me....Never leave me.
Love me.

Put yourself in my shoes !

2011-12-06T12:04:00.002+02:00

I had a friend, whom I called a close friend. we used to do stuff together, we knew each for long.
I always loved being around her, we knew how to joke , laugh and do cry together.
along the way , there had been quite times when she seemed far away , and I was paying effort always to still see her and catch up with her. even if she always had her "nadala" though with me.
anyways, two years back, we lost contact..yeah we did. I was passing by hard times
and she was never there !
she knew I am angry and mad with her , and she never approached.
I heard she is too depressed to get in contact , although while checking on her on FB I always see laughs and travels. comments with : lets do this and that.
she was a live .I knew
she knew I was sad, depressed and in bad condition and yet she never did a step towards me.
due that first year , she visited me once, I didn't blame her much . as she was already aware of it, she didn't deny it. she came along witha common friend.and I found it is already clear enough that there is no need to blame, she admits it, and promised she will be there for me.
and then a yr and half passed with NO HEAR , like yes no Hear no call , nothing.
yet I see a lot of activities on the facebook.
Due that year and half, I called her adn asked to see her. and we did.
I blamed , I cried.I really wanted friends to be close as we used to be.
I needed them beside, I needed company ,
I talked and talked
talked alot.
she seemed convinved, and she did say all I wanted to hear then.
and later ,like we never talked,discussed,or whatsoever.
no hear no talk.
nothing.
then, I knew out of Facebook that she got engaged! yes, engaged without telling me. why shall she ! we havent talked for long !
I felt bad and sad.
for those friends we grew old with . for no one left to share a laugh or tear with.
for loneliness and badness it leaves ahead.
anyways, that common friend then asked me that I should congratulate her ! and 3eib w keda!
though I was totally against it ! like I only knew out of facebook ! howcome !
anyways, the moment I was about writing on her wall on FB , I couldn't find her! so I msged that common friend who told me , she de-activated her account.
I took it as a sign , and stood still.
sometime later , she did a broadcast of her new mobile number , which I never saved.
Yesterday , I heard again from that common friend who told me, that SHE is trying to get hold to me to invite me to her wedding ! yes wedding !
and I am not picking up ! I said I don't have her number, I found out that yes that number I dont know , had tried to call me once.
anyways, I argued with that common friend, that I shouldn't go anyway,that I am mad ! I am sad ! she 'd better not call nor invite ! I am not even there in her life in last 2 yrs ! she is as well !
why she would bother to invite me " 3ashan yeb2a 3addaha el 3eib ".
although that common friend fully convinced of my reasons , and right to be sad and mad with her
she still sees I should go share her happiness with her ! and be there for her !!
Oh My ! how come ?! talkin to an angel you !! no ! I am human !!
as much as I used to miss her , I even had a dream of her night before , yet I can't stand seeing her afce now, not even believein any of her bullshit ! whatever !
if she was never there for me in my hardest times ever ! why shall i be theer for her !
if I can't be that angelic human ~ I do have the right to be only Human !!
I am sad that this is how it ended up with ! I am in a bad neeed for those who ever knew me truly and been friends with me for long !
yet I can't handle not being close not even there for 2 yrs and then you ask me to just FORGIVE ! and FORGET !
it is not forgotten nor forgiven !!
No.
yet , I would ask you , what would you do if you were in my shoes ?
at first , I don't think I will be calling her back, I didn't have her number saved.
yet that friend will tell her that I knew, but better say I didn't have it saved.
what if she calls back ?
shall I pick up ?
what should I do ?