Kids Don't Tell

Sociopath Damage they can do.

2011-05-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

The damage a Sociopath has done to me and my family.

Having a baby;

One time my older sister got pregnant when this happened, surprise I found out I was pregnant, this didn't go over very well my younger sister was the first person I told, my younger sisters told me whatever you do, do not tell our older sister, wait until she has her baby, she will be very upset. I could tell her who does this, how could it be where me being pregnant can affect this other person? I never did tell her until after she had her baby. But she didn't talk to me for a long time.I thought for sure she was going to back out on helping us move after this. But she did since it was planed before. But there is not one photo of my older sister with Melissa before age one.

Buying a home;

Our family was getting big, we owned a bungalow at the time we had three children a mom and a dad a dog and a bird and we felt it was time to move into a larger home. We found a home that was larger. It was a three-bedroom floor level back split, a dining room, a large kitchen or garage a playroom and a large lot. Pretty much everyone dream right? When we moved in my older sister wouldn't talk to me. I can understand why. I called my younger sister I talked her almost every night I cried to her almost every night I couldn't understand. Why, why is my older sister doing this I would ask over and over again. My younger sister replied, well you bought her house, this was her dream house, how could you, did you do it on purpose why would you do this to her. I didn't buy my house to hurt anyone I bought my house because my family was growing I wanted a larger home. I wanted a home where we didn't have to move for a long time, nothing more than that, I do not have malice in me, what you see is what you get.

Weddings;

Now I noticed a lot of times when there was weddings a lot of people would not invite me and my family. I couldn't understand this, they would invite everybody in my family everyone, not just to their wedding but to the hall. For the life of me I couldn't understand this especially one time, when my mom and I live together there was one sister my mom seen quite a bit of this sister she had a daughter, now I used to wake this little girl up and walk her to school. I would feed her and dresser and take her to the show, I would do lots of things like this for this little girl. Everyone was invited to her wedding even my brother, whom she didn't even know really. But we were not, why? I think I know why now, my older sister has been telling people many stories about me all untrue I have never spoken one bad word about any of them. I see now she didn't want me to be in their lives it was them my older sister and Mr. Reg that told me it was her mother that put your mother's killer away for very little time, her testimony. Everyone kept telling us we were invited to the reception so we went, when we got there in front of everybody we were kicked out. Mr. Reg and wife, older sister, younger sister and all their children sat there as we were being kicked out. My older sister called me the next day, she said this was my aunt Ann doing this. I don't think she likes you jz. I see now it was my older sister anytime she had anything to do with any plans, weddings birthdays, dinners if older sister was running it or in it I wasn't allowed to be there. I see now Mr. Reg was not my biggest problem I see now it was my older sister. She was taught by the best her father.

Aunt D;

My aunt was getting very ill, this was the aunt that was married to my uncle dad, we went to visit her one day her daughter's son was having a baby, and she was throwing a shower. Now I know she was not all together there, she was having mind problems. But she is not crazy! Nevertheless she had said to me that one of you girls are not your father's biological daughters. Now I would've ignored this and moved along my way but I think for the first time in my life I really listen to her words not because it was the first time I ever heard it as stated before but it was because my aunt Ann, once told me to go ask your uncle Bxb and his wife they know who is not the biological daughter. At this point while in the car I remembered what Mr Dad told me at age 12 years old. When returning to the car, I told my older sister my memories, What a mistake that was.I see now this was the biggest and the worst thing I could have ever done. I trusted her I loved her.

This is when my older sister said no Jz I don't think it's you I think it's our younger sister, but I don't think we should tell her. I don't think it would be good. I didn't believe what my older sister said that day, but I just didn't say anything. I figured if she didn't want my younger sister to know that was fine since I didn't believe it was her anyway. I figured it out that day, that I was not Mr. dad's biological daughter.

Whispers;

· After this took place my older sister would call me up and whisper in my ear, so Jz what do you feel about our younger sister only being our half-sister? My reply does matter to me, I love her. Almost every time she called she would say this to me. What was she trying to prove. I believe she knew. She told me once she knew secrets, but she swore she would never tell. When Mr Dad told me again. First thing my older sister said to me,Jz we did this because we know how important family is to you.

Visit to younger sister’s house;

One time when I went to visit my younger sister we were drinking, at this time my younger sister looked at me and said all I can say is thank God he is not of my blood, thank God there is no DNA attached to him and I. Now I could've jumped up and said, why would you say such a thing? But I didn't think this would be the right time or place since we had been drinking. But I see how my older sister asked me not to say something to my younger sister but she told her. But this doesn't seem to bother my sisters today she says we are all of his.but yet Dxbbxx my cousin told me my youngest sister called her a little over two years ago crying to her about the same thing. But as you all know I have done my homework and I have found out I am not his daughter I am not trying to hurt these people, I am just trying to find out who I am, as any person would. This is why people that are adopted go and look. I never realized this until now but you really do need to know who your parents are there something inside you that draws you to it that will not let you sleep at night until you find out the truth.

Whispers;

My older sister used to whisper in my ear while on the phone, aren't you glad we are Mr. dad's daughters and not uncle dad's daughter. Don't you think he is so much better looking? Don't you think at least he wasn't lazy like his brother? Do you ever talk to his daughter? She would ask me. Why did she ask me this over and over again. It was almost as if she was making fun of me, toying with me because she knew, why do I believe she knew, why do I believe my older sister knew, I can tell you why because I have had the last 30 years of whispers about my uncle dad and his family. When all this took place where my daughter went missing things started to add up for me. Like

· why was my sister asked me if I ever spoke to my cousin Debbxx? I think it's because, it was my older sister who convinced Debbxx if not Debbxx she convinced my younger sister to convinced Debbxx that my aunts husband was poisoning her. Why do I think this? My older sister whispered in my ear once , I think it's so unfair that Mr. dad is alone and Dxreen has someone. I think my older sister was whispering this in my ear, asked me if I spoke with my cousin because she was up to something, there is no doubt in my mind now, just I'm not as clever as her so I'm not totally sure of what went down but I do know one thing, my older sister is behind it. Look she wanted me out. And what she says she gets.

· I was told one thing to watch out for, I was told Mr. dad and older sister are a team, they go after the weak, they go after the old. Now I see this is true, I see how they took grandma's money, my stepmother's mother's money, everyone says to me to move on. I'm not the first person they've turned a child against their parents, this is been going on for a long time, I guess it started with me when I was born they seen the power they had over my mother, I guess this made Mr. dad feel good and now I see it made my older sister feel good too. And then after me it was Sherry ,Debbxx, Sheila, Gregory, Tom, and so many more now it's my baby, guess it's my turn.They are like a cult and even though my daughter is 18 years old now she left at 16 why because she could, why because they said it's okay and at the same time they badmouthed her mother so much, when we went to counseling my daughter and I, there was so many things she said about me that were not of her tongue but if theirs.

· Now I have been told, once my aunt went into the hospital, her husband left her and why wouldn't he after all he was just accused of poisoning her, which I knew in my heart and soul was not so, why do I believe this? My older sister's whispers. I can't help but feel now, my aunts sibling tells me there is money missing that my aunt's ex-husband left and took all the money. I wonder if they've even asked him if he did take the money!" for some odd reason I can't help but be suspicious" when going to the hospital to visit my aunt, during my visit my aunt told me that the only person she trusted in this world was my older sister. I could see my older sister taking that money and telling my aunt she will give it back. Is this the suspicion versus reality?

· one time I was invited onto girls week and with one of my most favorite people in the world, and it was Mxnxca. Mxnxca allowed me to be a part of her children she showed me how to be a real parent I looked up to her in many ways. But I knew I couldn't go because my older sister would be going too.

· There were many times I wanted to go to Mxnxca and tell her about the abuse that I was getting, but I'm just not that kind of person. And one time my older sister told me Mxnxca had come from an abusive home and was beaten very badly as a young girl. My older sister told me not to talk about abuse around her because it affected her very deeply and it wouldn't be good for her or me. Is this true?

· One time my cousin came over with some disturbing news and was very upset, I don't want to get into this too much because this person asked me not to, but the letter was very upsetting and due to the nature of this letter, this person lost a sister, he lost his mother, where did the info come from who would have done this to him, I don't think it was to him, it was to them. My older sister did not just want to break me up, kick me out, she wanted to hurt me. She wanted to hurt them, she was just as pissed off at them as as she was with me. All she went on and on and on about all the time to me with her whispers on my phone was them. This is her doing. But you know what I have tried to talk to people, I have tried to tell people, but I see now they're much bigger than I am. I only have this little voice and I see now they will just all believe I have a vendetta.or how about this one, but I've heard from many people what they are saying about me Jz gone crazy. In Darn right I have a vendetta but I would never ever lie,and I am far from crazy. Mind you with everything that's been going on in my life sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy because this is so bizarre. I am not like them. I believe in truth, I believe in family, I believe in unity this is the act of my older sister. It has her name written all over it

· I have received over 100 letters, e-mails messages, since the on-set of my daughter leaving two years ago at 16 years old from these people, telling me how bad I am, trying to blackmail me with photos to try to break up my husband and I, trying to tell me to take it and shut up or else.We can make your life very bad Accusing my husband of things he hasn't even done,not that they don't deserve anything done to them. We just know better. And yes they can and they have made my life very hard I'm having to erase things they've gone around and said. Will I be able to fix my daughter? one thing they don't have, that I have, is truth, is memories.

· They have turned my daughter against me they have told her things about her mother no child should hear. They told her I was a thief, they told her I am a liar, they told her I was a prostitute they told her I got children high while growing up as a teenager what ever they could tell her to turn her against her mother, they did this. Just like they did it to me years ago with my mother. I don't know if my daughter will ever respect me again, why? Because my older sister says so.

· One time there was a Christmas gathering it was at a hall that my sister-in-law knew of, when arriving all the names were already placed on the table which was okay no big deal right. Well I didn't realize until it was time to leave and we got into the car and one of my daughters looked up and asked me a question. Mommy why is it everyone in our family was sitting at one end of table but you and us other than her older sister were all sitting with your uncle side? My reply, probably because we were so close to them. Asking my older sister later on, her reply I placed everybody with their family, I guess she was trying to tell me then that my real family was my cousins. My girls see this now maybe one day their older sister will to. With the help of God, or the help of extended family.

· I am told I am going through post traumatic stress disorder. When this all began one thing they told my husband, one thing they told my daughter that left, JZ makes up stories and starts believing in them, guess they knew I was coming out of shock, the shock they put me in.

· You're probably asking well why did you put up with these people for all these years. It's not that easy and they are very sly very cunning, it's not straightforward just when you think everything is going okay it seemed to be where you are back at the beginning.

· I love my cousin and I think these people should be warned to be careful, my councilor told me I should warn everyone about my older sister so here I am. My older sister's intentions within this subject is malice and they have to watch their backs. I understand they don't want to give me the DNA but maybe one day with the grace of God and once all of this pain is gone because really if you think about it, it's not such a bad thing that happening to me. Things like this happen all the time now a days, I know the time that my mother did this it was painful. I know this was a secret that was to be taken to the grave, but it's out of the bag,Who cares move on we are family. You have a half sister, I have more half sibling, makes me feel okay.One day through them or some way or somehow I will get the DNA I need to feel full, to feel truth once again.

· If they ever read this blog I want them to know I will not use the DNA against them, I will keep it silent I will keep it quiet, I just need to know for me just like an adopted person goes to look. I just want to feel whole, don't you understand?

My Step Moms memories, last days, last breath

My stepmother died, when she died everybody was invited to the hospital, they were invited to the hospital so that they could explain to them what Freeport was about, what hospice was about. I was not invited. It saddens me to believe that this could actually really honestly happened to me. The last two weeks of my stepmother life my older sister was not around, my younger sister lived out of town, my stepsister lived in Florida and was not in town, and my brother had no communication with these people any longer. Now I would like everybody to know I was not in that meeting to explain what was going to happen at Freeport. I guess now looking back I see I was the fall guy. The morning my stepmother went to Freeport, my niece called me and told me my stepmother was calling for me, I then told my niece it would be best to call the, ambulance, I know they wanted me to go pick her up and carry her into my vehicle so they could save the money on the ambulance, but there is 'no way' I would ever agree to that. When I arrived later on to Freeport the doctor asked me, shall we give her the injection? Then my stepmother asked me if she would wake up to see her daughter who was coming in from Florida later that day? I look to the doctor, I look to Mr. dad who was sitting in the room, if indeed my stepmother would wake up? The doctor said yes, my stepmother never did, she never did get to see her daughter that day, that was her last wish. When her daughter arrived she was very upset to see her mother lying there half dead. We went to talk to the doctor and ask him if she would wake up, the Dr. sat down and said everybody in the meeting was told what was going to happen. This is when I let them know 'I was not in that room,'' this is when the doctor said to me and to my stepsister, I was told every single person was in that room the only family member that was not present was her daughter that lived in Florida, was his son no longer had anything to do with the them, all other siblings were present. Guess they were trying to tell me then and there I was not family. I babysat Andrew that day and my younger sister didn't even tell me what they had planned for me to do. I now believe they never did tell Bxrb she was dying in fear she would tell me I was not Mr. dad's biological daughter. This is something I will have to live with the rest of my life. This is what these people did to me. I have called for help, and no one listened, they didn't listen to me when I was a kid, when I was being beaten and battered and made fun of, most of my life, they didn't listen to me, when I was a teenager, or when I charged the man that took my mother's life. Instead my older sister told everyone of my nieces I charged my mother. She also told my daughter the same thing and now my daughter's gone, missing in my family is broken, our hearts are broken this did not just happen to me, this happened to our family. This happened to the little girls I thought they loved.I hope this does not put my girls in shock, like it did me years ago.I have gotten my daughters into counseling because of fear of this happening to them.

I confronted my stepsister with this information, her reply move on I did, Randy did, don't you get it, you’re not part of our family. To them blood is thicker than water.I'm water. Behind stepsisters back she's water too.Were they waiting for Bxrb to die?

Dragon Speech Recognition Software

2011-04-26T15:39:00.001-07:00

After my Carpal tunnel surgery

I needed Dragon Speech Recognition Software

I just thought I would write a little note and let my readers know why it is I haven't been online for a little while. I have not forgotten about you. I have recently had a procedure done which is called carpal tunnel surgery my recovery.That is my hand above. Now having carpal tunnel I've noticed I'm not able to use my hand, I am not able to use my computer as much as I would like to.I need my computer. Therefore I decided to go out and get Dragon speak recognition software, this has saved me in many ways because now I can still do my business, I am a business owner operator. I m a web designer, and I am always on the computer working. So with this in mind I would like to let my readers know I will be back I just need a bit of a break from everyday life.

But I can still be back, if I really need to with my trusted friend Dragon natural speaking, speech recognition software.
Am I right? If you are out of commission, if you are unable to type, if you are wanting online or to write a letter you cannot for some reason, your hand is too shaky, maybe you just need someone to type for you but you are finding you want some privacy, with Dragon speech recognition software you do not need to rely on anyone anymore. I believe it to be well worth the money.

I would also like my readers to know that with dragon software you can use it in Microsoft, you can use it in gmail accounts, you can use it on blogger, you can use it in web design software's.

I can use it whenever I can't use my hands, like now. I have always wanted to dictate, I feel I can speak my thoughts so much faster than what I can type them. With Dragon I have the freedom to do just that. I have dictated this to you with Dragon.

Kids don't tell

2011-04-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

As the Children Cry

To see what they did to my Mom
Look no further than what they are doing to family's
Isolation killed my Mom, it will not kill us
for we are strong, the curtain is drawn
I hold the Key
Not one person would get on the phone with My Mom
Not one,now it is happening to me
It is more than me, don't you see
There are family's of young hearts
I remember the tears " I saw "
The pain from within
the hour glass ticking
She died way before she ever left us
Her word appear
One day you will see him as I do,
and when you do you will see it was him and not I.
Louder and Louder...the words appear
I hear and I see, so do the little eyes
Once loved by you...
I see your phones are broken, sorry to hear
History has replayed itself
Don't you see
her word are clear
Your actions have helped me see.
The pain and sorrow once
hidden within.
Abuse is wrong
I am making a stand.
I speak for MY Mom
She, Me and our children
were fighting for something we never had...
May the rain wash all the
pains from yesterday.
As the children cry
As the children sleep.

By jz

Face Down

2011-04-19T15:01:00.000-07:00

When are our words going to be heard, laughter not pain, good not bad, happy not sad, love not hate, friendship not bully's

If I could give any girl/women, out there in our big world any advice it would be, if a man or a person rather hits you once it will never stop. Life is to short find someone that you like. Do you like the fact of being beaten? I don't think so. No one want to hurt. Life is not about making up, it is about having fun, growing, laughing. No one has the right to hit anyone, that is why we call them Bully's.

When looking into my past I asked many people on my journey to finding the truth, A few people I questioned, if they knew of the abuse in our house from many years ago? When they replied, yes jz I seen that man almost leave your "Mom to Dead!" I was shocked of what I was hearing because when I was asking the question, I meant the abuse towards me. I now do have flash backs of that man abusing our Mom. I remember the yelling and screaming, the broken arms and the black eyes. And the words ring in my ears now, Your Mom liked to be beaten! Who likes to be beaten? Who? There is Help out there. PLEASE do not be my Mom, do not let someone end your life. There is someone that will miss you. I promise. I sit here today having to write down her memories in hope someone will listen, Maybe the pain she endured will help someone, maybe save a life. I miss her so much and I now feel the pain she endured.

A story of a women caught on tape.

I see how our father turned his kids away from their own Mom,

They were not there to hear their own Mothers side.

Only his.

I remember the day my Mom died,

She called "ME"

Word Mr Dad said to me the day he drove me to work.

A key to why I went into trauma, to what I believe is a BIG key.

KIDS DON'T TELL

It is a secret

HELP!

Names Can Scare

2011-04-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

Don't always believe what you hear
Memories like apples falling on my head! screaming wake up.

Something inside me died, now this is what I get...

Sorry thing are not in the order they happened in my life, but I am just writing things as they pop into my head.

Let me tell you they are coming even fasted now.

Just because someone calls you GREEDY does not mean you are;

Having a baby

My family called me greedy ever since I can remember and I don’t know why I believed them.

I never really let our children sleep at anyone’s house, they called this greedy, and I called this protecting. Why? Why did I not allow them to sleep over at people’s homes? Was it because of my life? I think so now. I didn’t trust them. I truly think something inside me knew.

One time I allowed my older sister to watch my oldest daughter, she was around 3 years old at the time, I was going to the hospital to have my second child. When I had our second child I just wanted to see my oldest daughter I missed her so, so, much, like I said I never went a night without her by my side. When calling my older sister for her to bring my daughter up to the hospital, her reply. No I don’t have the time today, maybe tomorrow. I wanted my oldest daughter to see her new sister, and I wanted to see her and I got a NO. I would never do this to anyone. I called my youngest sister, she brought my daughter to see her new baby sister and me.

The second time I allowed my older sister to watch my daughter, I can’t say why but, my daughter was 4 yrs old at the time, When I went to pick her up, my 4year old daughter looked up to me and from the back seat of our car and said; Mommy aunt older sister told me you are really dumb, and you have no education. She said you didn’t even go to college, she said you like to tell story. Why did I not see? Why did I wand this off? Why would my own sister want to hurt me so much? Was I blind or dumb?

Third and last time I allowed my older sister to watch my oldest at age five and my middle child was about one and a half. When arriving to pick them up, my girls wanted to leave right away. This was strange because they really liked their Aunt. Why not, she is so candy coated who wouldn’t? I own a business and I know I came late to pick up our girls; it was around 9:30 pm. The girl ran to the car, my oldest sister turned to me and said they might be hungry, I didn’t feed them, they didn’t like what we had to make. This did not sound like our girls at all, they pretty much eat anything. When returning to my car, my oldest daughter looked up to me and said, are we ever hungry. I asked my daughter why they did not eat what their Aunt offered. My babies reply was; she made us sit in the front room while they eat. At that time I told my daughter what her Aunt had said, my daughters reply; no that is so untrue Mommy, they were having cheese macaroni and fish sticks, my favorite. How sad is that. I would never do this to her children I treated them with love. Will these memories ever pop back into the child I lost? Will I ever see her again? I lost my daughter to hate, my older sisters hate. Why? because my older said so.

After that I never left my girl alone with my older sister, ever. This has been going on forever; my girls tell me more and more each day the stories of what my older sister has been telling them about me, their Mommy behind my back for years. They didn’t tell then, but they do now.

I know it was not just me my older sister did this too. I see with my own eyes how she through my youngest sisters daughter across the room, she did not think anyone was watching! I was, One time I seen her hit the girl down the street, that she babysat,I even seen her hit my cousins son she baby sat. Wonder what Aunt Ann would say about that? Kids don't tell.

Her other daughter has kids of her own now, and last time I saw them I seen my older sister smack her son in the head!!!!, I seen her husband smack his grandson, heck I seen how they allowed their 12year old to smack her nephew. Hitting is not the way. Kids don't tell, it is time to wake up your young voices don't be me, Please go tell someone, someone you trust.

One time I was watching older sister's 3 year old daughter. I had no children at the time. Her daughter accidentally split some milk on my carpet, I seen this little girl run behind my sofa chair in fear. It was so sad to see; I hugged her and told her it was okay, everyone has accidents. Even me. That is why there is such a word as accident.

You know everyone knows this of my older sister and they and we all just turn and looked the other way. My younger sister had her son, the same time as my older sister’s daughter had her son. I don’t think there was ever one good word about my youngest sister’s son, at three years old my sister called him a fag, who does that? My daughters have told me how they seen older sisters daughter at 11-12 year old even hit my youngest sisters little boy, and I have been told even my older sister has hit younger sisters son,and my step sisters daughter. You would think my youngest sister would know better, she has called me time and time again through out the years, telling me how our older sister is trying to show her up,as a Mother always going that one extra step, bigger gift then what she could afford, to give her daughter and more. She seen how they treated her daughter, giving her less food at the dinner table,telling her she had to wait to see if their kids wanted it first, hitting her , calling her names, or things like singing you are on the welfare you can't have a ice cream because you are on the welfare, she was less to them that is for sure. No one cared. I did. I treated my younger sister’s daughter with love and equal. By the way, I bought my niece an ice cream that day. And I told them it was not funny. I am sure if my youngest sister was there at the time, I am sure she would have bought her daughter the ice cream... I told my youngest sisters things I seen them do to her daughter, or thing they did to her son.

It was my youngest sister that warned me of what was going to happen to me. Her word, jz you better go see our older sister, she is getting mad, she does not know why you can come to visit me, when I live one and a half hour away, but you don’t visit her 10 min away. I did go to visit my older sister, she was just never there then we got there. But I too, was also trying to avoid her, things were just getting out of hand with her. I was noticing if I told her something, the next time I heard the story it was never the same.

Example: One time I told my older sister, how my Mom said she believed the basket that gets passed around at the church to collect money should also be given to the people in need, at the church, she said there were many starving children right in our own back yard. My sister told her children, and my children I stole from the church, whenever the basket went around instead of giving money we took money.

I think I can now even remember what triggered this explosion in my life. My older sister, my youngest sister and I went to a U2 concert, when we were there my youngest sister and I were in front of my older sister walking, My youngest sister look to me and said, let be best friend always. Older sisters hate exploded, and I lose everything. Why because oldest sister says so.

jz inside TIPS

Do not always believe what someone says about someone to you.

Make your own judgment on that person, someone is telling you about.

Ask yourself; how are they with you?

You do not have to do it alone, there is help, all you have to do is care, care about you!

Bully wareness

2011-04-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

STICKS AND STONES LEAVE SCARES

NAME LEAVE SCARES TOO,

LETS MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I had to share this, It pains me to see, how our world is allowing, this pain to still happen.

I thought we have evolved.
I am getting messages of people bullying,
at schools, at work places, text messaging, e mails and more.
I lost my family via e mails.
We all cry, laugh, bleed and feel.

Look around people, we are all just trying to live our happy little lives

Why can't you stop to think,what if it were you!
Being called these bad words all your life?
What if it were you?
The tears start to fall.

I would love to share these words
To Alye, and all the people out there that are being bullied with
NAMES that last a life time

I couldn't stop crying, my heart bleeds for you.

I wish I could take all your pain away.
I wish when someone calls you names, you could hear the thoughts in your heart,
You are bigger then them

I know how you feel, you see it happened to me.

I would like you to do me a favor Alye

When you go to the mirror, Say to it each day...

Oh lord it is hard it be humble

When you are perfect in every way

I look in the mirror each morning and

get better looking each day

To know me is to love me

I must be one heck of a Gal

Oh lord it is hard to be humble

When you are perfect in every way.

After all, are we not all, "perfect" in one way or another?

Feed your brain; speak to it with your heart!
I see your heart truly has something good to say.

Wash away the bad words these bullies have subjected you to.

We are all like computers, we are only what we feed our brain.

You are worth it. We are all worth it,
wash it all away.

Stand tall we are the survivors.

Lets show them, how tall we are.

Ask yourself.

What is wrong with them?

After all, there truly must be something wrong with them,

"Do you think a normal person wakes up"

And says; I think I am going to go bully, what’s her face today?
And then does it!

Feel sorry for them.

Looks like to me, you truly are the bigger person.

"Feelings" to "ME"
is the bigger person.

Say it out load!

Everybody want to be me, I am the person to be.

Say this out load love.Wash away the pain within.
By jz

Brain Test

2011-03-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

So what do you make of this?

The other day a partridge came to my home. The night before this bird came to my house, I was questioning life. I was wondering why now? Why like this? If all this bad happens to our world how can there be a higher being that gives a damn.
I lost my family to abuse, to online bullying, to technology, and yes I know that is life. But do we have to loose so much. Can we just enjoy? instead of all this hate. Just because you can, does not mean you should. I think this world has lost the meaning of family. And Living. Not one person would even get on a phone, just hateful words between email. Emotion is important.
Now I have been told to see the light you have to go through pain. My journey has been rough and very painful, I know there is much pain out in our world.But how much truth can one endure?
Call me crazy but I think this bird is here for a reason.
She has been here now since April 11th,She runs from everyone in our home but me. So I looked it up on Wikipedia I found the Greek legend interesting.

Here is some fun for your brain.

I know my brain is needing some fun...

Left - Right Conflict

Did you have some difficulty?

Here's why.

The right side of the brain tries to say the color

but the left side of your brain

insists on reading the word

Silent Bully

2011-03-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

FLASH BACKS, Memories,
DR PHIL PLEASE HELP!

What to look for, do you believe someone is trying to hurt you?

Could be someone you love, could be someone you trust.

These are flash backs to my life, they might not be in order because my memories are coming little by little. I guess this is to protect me from this horror I called family.

Family and time moved on my brother was married and out on his own living his life, My older sister was married and out living her life. I am going to begin at the time I am was getting engaged. 1983 I got married in April of 1984.

What is a sociopath person?

Like apples on a tree, bang ,bang...

When my Mom died the day of her funeral my Uncle Gerald took me down the hall, said if things get bad here, you can come live with us.

When I became engaged my Mom sister Verna came out of hiding, yes hiding because no one ever seen her even to this day she keeps her where about' s secrete. She came out of hiding to say. I know THAT MAN will not buy you a dress so I came to take you out to get your wedding dress, I know your Mom would want this.

Uncle Dad would ask me in "private" each time he seen me, if everything was alright? He would tell me how much he too missed my Mom and that he loved her.

My Aunt Ann through me a wedding shower, when it was time to leave, she looked to my older sister and myself and said, You know one of you girls are not your dad's biological daughters.When we got into the car my older sister assured me it was not me, you are dads favorite you know that. She said it was probably the joke everyone use to say, you know our younger sister was the milk mans daughter.

When I made up all my thank you card for all that time and work and gift people gave me for our wedding, my older sister was to come over and give me addresses for all these people, but she came over and told me it was not necessary.I believed in her, after all she was my big sister.She seemed to know prodical more then I.

I didn't get a wedding gift, from Mr Dad he was to buy the wine at our wedding, I paid for that.He married Bxrb three months later, I loaned him money for his wedding honeymoon, I didn't get that back.

The gift I got from Uncle dad, my older sister told me it was cheap and I should throw it away, or not serve them to anyone that is for sure, It was a silver plated silverware set. I liked it.

There was this time Margret a friend of the family came to town, she sat at our table, she pointed to my brother, older sister, then younger sister, I understand why you are all here, BUT as pointing to me, and said, but for the life of me I don't understand why you are here.

When I confronted my older sister with this, years later she said Jz I think you are going crazy. Margret was never here. I went to my brother after this and I asked him in this way. Brother do you remember when Margret came to town, why was her husband Paul not with her? My brothers reply, Jz she came because Paul died and she was moving out West. I have spoken to her since and she has told me the truth of who I am as well. She is very much alive, and she has remarried and is happy.

My Aunt Margery is that one that told me on a regular basis, she called me all the time. She would always ask me so Jz how is Bxrb and Rxg, Never Dad and Bxrd not to me anyway, but if a sister or brother walked into the room, she would look up and ask so how is your Dad and Bxrd?I always questioned this. On her death bed she looked to me and said, Jz listen, how is Rxg and Bxrb? My older sister walked into My Aunt Margery's room, My Aunt looked to me again and said Jz listen, Txmmy how is your Dad and Bxrd? If this is not telling I don't know what is.

There was one time my older sister and I went to see Aunt Ann, at this time my sister had two children, I loved them so so much, When we were about to leave, once again Auntie Ann said, you do know one of you girls are not your father’s daughters, my older sister ran out the door to get her youngest daughter, from running on the road, or to put them in their car seats, something like that anyway... This time I looked to my Aunt and said, yah who? Her reply to me was go ask your Uncle Bxb and your Aunt Doreen. When returning to the car I told my older sister what Ann had said. her reply, she is talking about that little sister thing again. My Aunt Ann never really liked me after that? Hmmm I wonder why, what did I ever do to her. I liked her.

When I fell and my dad told me for a second time in my life I was not his biological daughter, I called this Aunt, crying, her reply to me was," I know who you are!" your older sister and your Mr dad already warned us of you. You had your chance with us and you blow it. Talk about no support!

Here's an apple on the head, one time my older sister ask me to go to a Halloween dance with her, she begged me. I couldn't go because My Uncle Dad and his wife were coming over for dinner. My sister kept on begging, please there is a girl there from her work place that was giving my sister troubles, and she claimed this girl was hitting on her husband, Please she kept saying. My heart is to big, I truly felt like she needed me. So I called up my Uncle, told him we would have to make it a different day something important came up. I turned the roast off, and we my husband and I went to this dance with my sister. When we got to the dance, my sister was with this girl all night.

My husband and I were married about four years at this point, and we were having problems having children,I ask my older sister to write a reference for me. When we went to talk to the agency they called us into a room, they said one of our references truly do not like you and gave you a bad reference. Now I only gave my older sister, and my lifelong friend as a reference. When confronting my sister with this info, her reply was, it must have been my long life friend. My reply No way! I know her and I know she would never do this to me. Than my older sister said to me, it must have been Aunt DXreen Uncle Dad’s wife. She was so pissed off at you jz, about that dinner, I could see her doing this to you. Plus she works for someone that works there. I could see her talking to them. So I went along my way? Why?

ADOPTION

After all it was my older sister that told me how to prepare for the adoption agency. She told me her friend got a child by telling the truth. She had gone in there and told them how she was abused and they felt for her so much they gave her a child. Naive as I am I listened. I trusted her, I loved her. I went in and I told them everything. They told me, I could not have a child do to a bad reference and do to all the abuse. I would most likely be an abuser. I hated what my parents did to me. I would never in a million years ever, ever do to another human what was done to me NOT EVER!

I never put this together until just now. All gatherings at Mr. Dads and his new wife place I noticed all her family would be invited and they came, my mother’s side was invited too. BUT my Mr. Dads family was not why? Would this be a apple too?

I babysat for my cousin/ half brother; whenever I had a gathering my sister would bring whomever she wanted. I asked for my niece/cousin to come to an event at their place, I received a call that said no I could not bring her. How sad is that. I had to tell my little Kxren she could not come. Why? It must have truly hurt my older sister to see me with them.

One time we were invited to a gathering at my older sisters, I asked her what I should bring, No no jz she said, just bring your own food, and don’t worry about anyone other than your family. I met up with my cousin/half brother, I asked him to come along, he asked me what he should bring, just worry about your family that is what everyone is doing, I replied. So I thought. When we got there, there were loads of people. And not one of them brought food, my older sister supplied it all. We were the only ones that brought our own food. I was so embarrassed, I wonder if my cousin/half brother remembers this.

How do you know if a person is a sociopath person?

How can someone have a relationship with this kind of person?

Why is it they make you think you are the crazy one.

When confronting my older sister with many of the thing she did to me and my younger sister, she would reply,

"I don't remember" jz I think you are going crazy.

I was always called greedy and selfish

I called it more protective, why?

When I was little, things were taken from me and given to them.

What stands out in my mind most are these?

I remember one time my older sister borrowed my staple gun, I had an engraver at the time and I engrave initials on the side of it. I did loan it to her, I just never got it back, so one afternoon I went to see my sister, her husband was there working on the deck to their pool. This goes back some time. I asked him for my staple gun, His reply was it was not mine, they do not even have mine, they had their own. Then he proceeded to showed it to me. The initials I engraved were on the stapler. I said I put the initials there, we exchanged words and I left without a stapler. Now I know you are saying who cares they are cheap, right? Well I did care; I thought it was the principle of it. I would never do that to anyone.

Or how about one time; I went to take some leftover turkey home after a gathering. My brother in-law my older sister’s husband, Ask me what I was doing? Told me I could not take any, I said I paid for it; he laughed and said yah, yah! If it was not for my step mom (to whom I see was really the one I went to visit and her mom they treated me the way people should) if it was not for her popping up on my behalf, I don’t know what I would have done. My heart melted, I supplied the turkey from time to time, I never ask any one for a dime. If they bought the turkey I gave $20.00 to my older sister, and I always supplied the potatoes. Two Pies on occasion. “I bet I was the only one that paid.”

Sticks and Stones

Do you remember earlier on in my story I told you my older sister had been telling people I was a prostitute. This would have been when I was 14 years old by the way. Well I just found out this story has been going on behind my back for all these years. Everybody for years and years and years and years I mean years, has seen me this way. Think about that everyone. Mother in-laws, Father In-laws my family, friends, everyone nieces nephews, how sad. When my daughter ran at 16yrs she said to me, I know who you really are! Who? I was so naive, I had no idea what she was even talking about, so I ask her, she shook her head and left. Little did I know she was been told this lie too, that my older sister made up years ago, just to hurt my Mom "her own Mom. Ashamed to add. Who would have figured this would be haunting me many years later. I always wondered why "some people husbands" always hit on me, and we know who that is, don’t we; I guess he figured, since I used to be a "prostitute" why not. I feel so dumb.

If I were to think with my heart it would have to say. Personally I don’t think anyone should even have to write shit like this down. Who does this to people they love?

When I went to my family to help direct our teen daughter home. She moved in with a young niece that enjoys her alcohol. My family said to me." jz this is what family does."

My older sister called me up and said, how does it feel? One of the last things she said to me was; hope you can fix what you broke jz. Her words ring in my ears, I loved her. What is wrong with me?

Murder

2011-02-24T07:06:00.001-08:00

Hey you Hollywood producers I have a story for you,

Move over Mommy Dearest I have a story to tell, and I want the whole world to hear my voice. I am not little, just short.

Please this is coming from someone that see's and feels the affects child abuse can have on your child, woman/ man, I am someone it happen to. I am a Child Abused and hope to be a Adult Survivor. It could be someone you know. What if it was happening to you? It is a life lasting feeling, it does not go away. I have felt worthless or maybe not as smart for a long time, it took me many of years to see myself as beautiful. I think ever person should be a princess, or a prince at that matter. They made me feel worthless and dumb.

I have talked to many family members and friends of our family and neighbor we lived next to. They all said they knew about the abuse, they know my Mom was being abused and they knew I was being abused, but know one, not even one did anything about it, just turned off the lights and went on their way. STOP PLEASE if you know someone needs you don't turn off the lights, don't just shut the door, do something now before it is too late. PLEASE Abuse is a life long pain, even after you leave the abuser. Compassion is all I ask, please let’s put a stop to mental abuse. I have a heart, I feel, the same blood that runs through me runs through you. Let’s stop the cries.

Child abuse is a sin, that leave scares forever.

Think about that next time you raise your hand,

The next time you call someone a name.

Was I in shock? is there such a thing as shock for years and years? or would this be I believed the head games. I always knew what went on in that house many of years ago was wrong.

I see I am much different from you all.

I am proud to say I am a good Mom and I love my family too.

So after being there for a few weeks, my Mother got word I was living there. She called me up and asked me why I moved there. My reply was, where was I to go Mom? What I don't understand is why is it I didn't see her question. Why didn't I question the fact that he told me he wasn't my biological father at 12 years old? The writing was on the wall I was being told everywhere. I remember one time when living there my older sister said to me, Judy do you know why dad lets you do whatever you want? My reply, no why. My older sister's reply, so you don't leave. Once again is this not telling me?

Another time Mr. Dad needed help with his work so he decided to let me have my boyfriend Mike moved in, now I want you to know here and now we did not sleep in the same room or the same bed. He had Mike moved in so that Mr. Dad didn't have to go off to work, Mike did all the work and he got free room and board. Now this was okay at the beginning because I liked Mike, and I felt I didn't belong and we had been dating for over a year so I thought it would be good., But I was getting to the point where I wanted to break up with Mike. There were several times I did break up with Mike but he wouldn't leave, because my Mr. dad needed help.

Now I want you to know that my mother got word that Mike had been living with us. She called me up and asked me why do I have Mike living there? Don't you know that Mr Dad is just trying to keep you there? don't you know that he is just trying to hurt me. Now if this is not a Apple hitting me in the head to tell me, he is not my father I don't know what is. Why! why did I not hear.

Time moved on, mom and I still stayed in touch with each other. I worked at the key shop so I would call her when I went to work to make sure everything was okay with her.

There was one time when Uncle Bxb came over, when he came over he went onto the back patio he called me out, he asked me was everything okay? Do I feel comfortable and if anything was ever wrong to let him know. I thought he was being a concerned Uncle. After all he came to see me when I lived with my Mom.

As stated above I moved in with Mr. Dad around May one month before my 16th birthday. I was never really there I was the kind of teenager that was always gone from home. Between work, friends and boyfriend I really didn't have time to be sitting around at home. Plus as I told you above I really didn't feel comfortable I still felt like an outsider looking in.

So a year had passed, my mother and I were still staying in Touch, I really did want to move back with her but she was still with Fred and I hated him with a passion. Until this one winter's day my mother called me up, telling me Mike should leave. By this point in my life I agreed. But I couldn't he kept saying your father needs me as long as he needs me I stay.

My mother called me up one day, to be honest this would've been December 10, 1981 she kept telling me she told Fred she was leaving him, she told me she wanted to start a new life with me and her, we could start over. She told me that there was something about that man she had to tell me, I was old enough to know, She asked me to come because she told Fred she was going to leave him and had all of his bags packed, she asked me to come because she said she was afraid he was going to kill her. My reply to my mother was I had to go to work. I told her I would call work to see if I could have it off. Mr. Dad said that was a bad idea and I should go to work. So I told my mother that I would go to her home after I went to work, I only had a three hour shift so it meant I would be there for her. Mr. Dad drove me to work that day. All the way there he kept repeating over and over well it wouldn't surprise me if she got killed she such a slut, she such a drunk, she's the worst mother ever, look what she did to you, look at how she hated her own daughter.

I was about two hours into my job when two police officers came to where I work. I knew something was wrong my heart, I felt my stomach I remember the words she said to me, I felt it was my fault, I felt why wasn't I there, I should have been there, the words that she said rang in my ears for years. They still do even loader now. Even now as I'm writing this I can't help but feel the pain of the last words my Mom spoke to me. What a dirty trick the universe played on me.

My Mom died that day, Dec 10 1981

After the police left, I asked Mr. Dad what my mother meant by, there is something about that man I must tell you, I was old enough to know. Mr. Dad just kept repeating I don't know what she's talking about. She must have been talking about Fred. Like BULLSHIT.

Thought out loud.

I can't understand for the life of me why it is my mind block this, or made me not confront it, because deep down I have always remember the word Mr. Dad said to me at twelve. Who wouldn’t? I guess it must of been my older sister convincing line. ''BUT jz you have always been Dad's favorite," Mr. Dads that is. I only remember a couple stories about Mr. Dad; He would let me ruffle through his pant pockets, whatever money I found I could keep. He let me keep change a nickel here a dime there. One time I found $10.00 I told my girls this story, he let me have that ten dollars, This is the part I did not tell my girls, later that day my Mom made me give it back. I liked when he would say a cow was a sheep and cute things like that. Not much more than this as a kid anyway. I kept the abuse away from my girls, after all who wants the downer. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me or something like that. After all that was then, why see black when you have a world of colors.

Everybody was telling me, they were banging me over the head with it. Why was my mind refusing to confront them? Is it because my Mom kept saying you are definitely a Gxrton," I can promise you one thing Judy you are definitely a Gxrton." she would say. What a dirty trick to be playing with my head, my kindness, for all these years when I know in my heart and in my soul, Mr. dad could have told me in a more loving way, I believe my older brother must of none, and could have told me, I know in my heart my older sister knew right from the beginning.. It was my older sister that did so much bad to me.

One time there was this girl Jill Gxnther, she came up to me and told me your older sister is evil, there is something really wrong with her, she is not just a back stabber, or someone that goes around talking about you behind your back, She makes up story and turns everyone away from you with her made up lies. She twists everything you say. She strips you of your character.

I thought well lots of girls do this. But know not like this. Not like this girl.

Several times by many people, family members, and friends of the family, they have told me your sister is like a candy coated pill! Not really knowing what they meant then, I do now, sweet on the outside, sour on the inside? Wow how true.

As this inside story continues you will see what I mean.

There is such a thing as someone toying with you! This is just the beginning of my nightmare.

Will I ever wake up?

Looking back, I wish I could have none, I wish that wall that protection me was never there. I wish I didn't believe the people I loved, and still love, but hate.

I do apologize if it takes me time to add a new post. To be honest this is very hard on me. I just know it is something I must do. jz less stress test, I do hope this works!

Kids don't tell, and adults feel ashamed and embarrassed of you.

I found out I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. What is this? Take a look at the link about PTSD if you are not sure. I did take a look and a read, I found out a lot about me. To know what you are facing helps. I am not ignorant to anything. If I need to know, if I am experiencing it or wanting to know something, anything I will learn.

I guess this would be me;

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma

Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

It just so unfair, I see now that I should have seek out for help back then, maybe this would not be going on today, thirty years late. Not a day, Not a week or a month, year this is years later. Its like I have been living in a bubble.

I went to a counselor this week, it was nice when I was there, I really opened up. I don't do that much. It just not who I am. I let myself go that day. I told her what happened, those many years ago. As hard as it was. I spoke, out loud. There was this one thing I didn't like, I told the counselor , I was and I am a good Mom, her reply was, you did the best with what you had,

I say now here in front of the whole world, NO, You are not listening to me," I was and I am a good Mom." If I did anything right in my life this would be it, I am a Mom. A proud Mom. Our girls have always been first to me. I don't think you can abuse a child with to much love. I raised me with high morals and love, I love me, and I believe that is what I taught my girls. I believe a loving heart goes a long way. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in hope. I don't think just because you come from abuse you will be an abuser. People should watch their words.

I am not going to her for her to analyze me or make a judgment call, I don' know maybe I am sensitive or something, but I don't need that. I am a good Mom and I know in my heart I was and I am. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS ABUSED DOES NOT MEAN THEY will become the abuser!!!!!! I hated what they did to me. I would never do that to anyone in a million years. I am going to her! That was then this is now, I am a good Mom. Why do I feel like I have to prove it? I did nothing. They did this to me. If this happens to me again I will not go back to her. I have a voice and I ill be heard, NOT JUDGED!

Back to my jz less stress test,

I can't help but wonder when I went into shock...

I ended up breaking up with Mike, he didn't even come to my Moms funeral, he told me she was just rotting in the ground so what is the sense. Last thing I remember he broke my nose, but he finally broke up with me. Or rather should I say be finally heard my break up! my Mom just died by the hand of a man. I hated Mike the same way I hated Fred. I though this must have been when I went into shock, maybe it was because of this sad story, I forgot about my Mom's words, my Moms sad story.

I think it was this one night, I was 18years old when my Mom died, My Mom died Dec 1/1981. I was with Mxnny a new guy in my life; we started dating May 4th 1982, Five months later. He needed me. My older sister was married by now.

I believe it to be one summer’s night at about 3a.m in the morning. It was late I know this because my Mr. Dad wife and I just came back from work, we worked nights at CKCO, TV. My younger sister was sitting at the table, listening to loud music with her earphones on, She was crying, her Mom just died. She was only 14 years old. I was woken up by a scream, I ran to the kitchen to see Bxrb grabbing and hitting my younger sister, I freaked I pushed my step Mom to the wall and said "Never to touch my youngest sister ever, ever again or..."

Mr. Dad ran out, told us this is Bxrb house and to never speak of my mom again, and to get the beep out. I think this is the day I went into shock!

Now I want you to know there has been many happy memories as well,

Now I want you to know it was not all bad living with my family, It couldn't have been, or I think I would have ran. There is a lot of good too, like family gathering, Weddings, Births, I remember each and every one of my nieces and nephew when they were born, I have each of their measurement all the way to 14, then Aunties are not the first choice to visits if you know what I mean, There was Christmas, Thanks Giving, Easter and the hunt, Birthday, and all togetherness. So you see there were many good times to. I think us sisters were sisters. Family support is everything. Sisters, Brothers. If what you have is good hold on to it, cherish it show the world. But if you need to talk, or you know someone that needs a hand, help them out. Family is everything, a step into the past and a hand into the future.

And I too, know there is two sides to a story. And I don't care if anyone thinks I am making this up, what I am about to share with you. One thing that was said to me by Mr. Dad, who told Mxnny and he told me again, and I believe my oldest daughter was told this about her Mom as well," Jz makes up stories and starts to believe in them."Jz has always wanted people to feel sorry for her. Who in their right mind would want to make up such a horrific story? This is ugly and shameful and deceiving, I am embarrassed.}I don't think I will ever be looked at the same ever, why? Or ever see you the same or anything at that matter. Trust is everything, TRUST! It was as if Mr. Dad knew I was coming out of shock. {he said this to everyone just as I starting to come out of shock, before my memories started coming back day by day} If you are reading this you are more than welcome to come to your defense, only you Mr Dad and my older sister can clear this up. You put me here. Show the world I am a liar. Show the world jz makes up stories to try to get people to feel sorry for her; I make up stories and start believing in them.

I have just begun my journey to a better tomorrow. I tell you what. I will pay you to do the DNA test. This way you can, show the world Jz is making up stories. And I will stop writing my "stories" our lives to the world. You put me here and this little voice just keeps getting LOUDER! I will wash myself of your hate. This is jz less stress test. I am not afraid to tell the world anymore.I have a voice. This is not my shame, this is your shame. Shame on you. Than to tell me I am shaming the family.

Words our Mother spoke to me;

We cannot go back in time, but we can always make it right.

My less stress test; A thought

There is something I would like to share, even after all this I still see that Mr Dad as my dad, There is only a couple things that bother me to this day.

Tell Bxrb how your mother use to beat you, tell her how your own Mother tried ti kill you, how she hated her own daughter.
Your Mom was nothing but a slut,
Your mom died over a case of beer.
Why it was Mr. Dad went to court on behalf of my Mom? But I was a key witness and I wasn't even asked to go to court? I am looking into this now. If anyone can help, please let me know.
I see what this man did to my Mom those many years ago; I see what he did to me. But I also see he didn't have to take me in.
I see as time went on Mr. dad was not the thorn in my butt, who was?

Alcohol

2011-02-16T07:46:00.000-08:00

Alcohol Abuse in teens

Alcohol Abuse in teens

Thing were not always good as stated before I had the run of my own life {at the age 12 to 16years} my Mom was there, but there too were times the alcohol took over. I too was slipping as most teens do, but I had to do it on my own, I tried alcohol, it made me feel good most of the time. Don't get me wrong I did not do it that much, only when I was with friends. Mainly on the weekends. Living in a home where you see a lot of drinker come and go, you see a lot. I have maybe seen too much. But this is what made me scared of drinking too much. So I tried to manage it to a point that I still knew what I was doing. I seen a man die at our table because he got to drunk and was vomiting and then gone. No one could help everyone was to drunk, I was too late, sad. But it was things like this that helped me. What made me stop was one time a friends of a friend and me went out, afterwards they took us to their place, I had a drink that is all I remember of that day. The next day I found myself half dressed on the door way of a friend’s apartment. To this day I believe they drugged me. I took a drink since, after that BUT I never put my drinks down NOT EVER. And I came with my own drink. I would never ever get drunk after that, I was too afraid. I would go into the washroom and put water in my drink, no one even noticed. And I was still cool to them. But I was aware, that if I did not take care of myself, no one would. I was truly on my own. I seen there was danger out there.

Now I'm sure by now you have noticed that there has been a lot that has gone on in my life, and there is much more but it would take forever to tell you each incident that happen. The only good that happened out of all that happened in my life was that my mother and I got closer together.

As time moved on, and the drinking continued not by me but by my mother and her friends, life didn't change for me too much. Until this one night I was 15 years old two months before my 16th birthday. This is the night the system got involved. This is the night the man that I hated most, the man that lived with my mother, came to my room late at night with a knife at my throat, this man decided he was going to rape me. But myself I was too strong a wiggly and very angry, I pushed him and kicked him and through him against the wall, I was in my pajamas I left my room I ran down the stairs and out the front door, we lived on Weber Street..There was a police officer driving down the road. And I know this police officer was just trying to help, and he did help.
It went to court, Fred this was the man that tried to rape me with a knife at my throat. Well I know that what he did was wrong, and I know what the system was doing was just trying to help me, but Fred got nothing I think he got a fine. But me I was moved into Madison house. Now I'm not sure if you know what Madison houses is. But from what I seen it was for teens, troubled teens, there were teens there that ran away and were caught stealing that could live at home because they couldn't follow rules. There is one girl there that ran away all the time they took away everything of hers even her clothing. Now I don't know about you but this was very very, very scary to me. I couldn't help but question myself why is it this man does this to me and I'm the one locked up. I didn't see it as because he was still living with my mother I just seen it as I was the one being punished.

Just a thought

I see now they were really truly trying to help me, I couldn't see it then because all I seen was the fear.

So here I am in Madison house,, Fred is living with my mother, my father is nowhere in sight, for who I think is my father, sort of I guess, so I decided to call my Uncle Bxb. I called him because I really, really hated it there, this place scared me. I didn't call my Mr. Dad.I don't even think I had his phone number. I know that he moved back to Kitchener but I didn't have his phone number,

I just remembered why it was I couldn't say how I knew Mr Dad and family were back in Kitchener.

I came home from school one day, when arriving home my Mom was furious, banging pots and pans slamming door. I ask my Mom why she was so upset. Her reply, your brother and his girl friend are trying to get you taken away from me. Your older sister is going around telling everyone you are a prostitute, and you dance tables. Why would your older sister want to hurt me this way? My Mother said, it couldn't be just that man getting everyone to hate her, no he would turn my own daughter against me." I guess him taking everyone away from me was not enough?" She just kept on repeating over and over again, why would my own daughter want to stab me in the back this way? Why? I remember the tears. I seen her pain and I was just too young to see it.

These words my old "sister" said years ago have since come back to haunt me by many, like from my husband’s family, a friend of my husband that tried to break us up several times while we were dating. These words have taunted me, all these people thought this of me for all these years. Can you imagine what I am feeling? How can someone be so mean to kill off someone’s dignity? To think these people thought this of me, sickens me.

I feel like I have been asleep for thirty years and what happened to me years ago are haunting me.

Move over Mommy dearest, daddy and sister have you beat.

STICKS AND STONES CAN BREAK YOUR BONES, AND NAMES WILL ALWAYS STAY, they never leave ever!

Uncle Bxb did come and pick me up. I asked Uncle Bxb if I could move in with them, I didn't think this would be a problem because they had my brother lived with them once upon a time ago. But my Uncle said that it would be too hard on my Aunt. She was running into troubles with her own children is what he told me. He told me he knew where Mr. Dad lived and he would drop me off there. This is when my true nightmare began, I just didn't see it.
I remember feeling comfortable there after all, I had my older sister, my younger sister, to be honest I can't tell you if my older brother lived there are not. Mr. Dad was living with his live-in girlfriend Bxrb, and Bxrb had a daughter of her own, so I guess she's my stepsister. I settled in. But you know what, that feeling I had when I was a kid, you know the one where when I lived with my parents before they separated the one where I felt like I was on the outside looking in, it came back, the same feelings I felt years and years ago. They were back.

Seems to me life is not always fare. I think we must start to hear the child's cry.

Children never tell. I didn't. Now look where I am now. Sitting in front of my computer writing it all down so I can make some sense of it all. So I can make a less stress test site. So I can say I am a adult survivor. I want to just feel like what I am going through and facing in my life will touch someone. I want to be me again.

With the way I have been feeling sad lately, and I am getting pins and needles, having bad dreams and less sleep and very whipped out.

Vitamin that help with stress

SO I WENT TO THE VITAMIN STORE

I am not a doctor and I do not clam to be, if you or someone you know that might be going through this type of stress,

This is helping me; it might help you/them too.

People say I should be on antidepressants, I say don't I have the right to cry?

People say I am feeling sorry for myself, I say don't I have the right to feel sorry for myself? Do I not have the right to morn? I have been in shock, trauma, I just found out the people I loved were toying with me, over and over again.

What has help me through a lot of this awakening is vitamins.

I take-

2 Omega 3's

2 vitamin D's

1 5000 B12

1 Maltese B

6 tums

My stress release, the thing that helps me the most is:

To show me, to show them I will move on. jz in me I am more than what they perceived me to be.

I do not get the pins and needles anymore, or the dizzy feelings.

Why couldn't I see? Why?

Hidden Memories

2011-02-16T07:03:00.000-08:00

My Awareness

Guess it truly was her and I. We traveled we seen many places, even Banff, we took pictures, we took lots of photos with my new camera, we had camp fires and told stories, so you see there was good times too. Thing between Mom and I were going great, I finally had a Mom.
Just they were never around to witness this part of our lives. Their Mom life, too bad for them. To them she was what he said. She was just this drunken slut, he told them. Isolating her from everyone. They swallowed every word of it. You know this is probably why even to this date I hate it when anyone calls anyone a slut. I really do not believe there is such a thing. Maybe they haven't found the one, what is it any of your business. As long as they are not hurting you, move on, that is their life. I hate names. They do hurt, and they stay forever too.
For thirty years I have been hearing nothing but bad stuff from him, about my Mom. Mr. Dad would say, Jz tell ( Bxrb his new wife) how much your Mom beat you, how much she hated her own daughter! Your Mom was sick to the point of abuse; tell Bxrb how your Mom almost killed you. Your mom was a slut; your mom was the laziest person I he had ever met. I think he is a sociopath.

Just a thought

I am not a doctor but I do believe my older sister is as well. Most people I have talked to in my past they all say, Your older sister is like a candy coated pill, Sweet on the outside , bitter within. Wow. If they are not sociopaths they are just evil. Who plays with a person head like this? Am I wrong?

Thing took to the worse, shortly after our summer holiday to Banff, my mom slipped on a banana peel, yes you heard right, She was stepping out of the pickup truck slipped on a banana peel and Brock her leg in three places. THREE PLACES! She had a cast on her leg for over a year. With this in mind, summer was over and I was staying off of school a lot to take care of my Mom. She decided we had to move back to Kitchener. I came home from school and she was gone. I cried for the whole days. She left me with the man she was living with and his son, my mom lived with. He tried to calm me, said he would save and send me home. I wouldn't eat; I stayed in my room and cried. Three weeks past and he came home with a bus ticket,, I had to pack quick I had not even an hour to get there. He would send our other stuff back to us. I had no reason to question it I was only fourteen years old. I like him, remember.
Only to never see our stuff again. I mean everything, all our photo albums; this haunts me to this day. I wish I could get them back. I only have four photos of my mom. I have maybe five or me as a little kid. What a shame.

I would like to thank those that allow me to place their videos on my site.

We will make a difference.

I was asked today why do you jz want to bring this all out. What are you intentions? What are you trying to do?
I guess my answer would be. Maybe if I get ridge of all this pain I will see the good things once more. And as mentioned above less stress test. I really do believe this is going to help me make peace with myself. Maybe if I get my courage up I can make a difference. Maybe help others with their abuse. Maybe make awareness to all the different types of bulling. Who knows maybe one day I can be a speaker for an organization.

When arriving home from Calgary, I thought my Mom would meet me at the bus station, she wasn't there I had nowhere to go. I had No address, I didn't even know my Aunts address. I stay with a best friend for awhile. That was until I met up with a cousin of mine. He was gentle and kind, seemed to me he had all his shit together. A job, an apartment, and food in the fridge. He was very responsible. Weeks past and still no word from my Mom, No word from any family Members at all. But I felt safe like really safe for the first time in my life. He made me feel love just with his words. I didn't want to leave. I was only fooling myself; I knew he needed space, and who at 19 wouldn't? He didn’t need a teen around. My Mom surfaced 10 weeks later and home I went. You guessed it back with Mom and the Man I hated.
By this time in my life I learned to block people out even more. I was meeting new friend, and growing my own life. I tell my girls I was one of the forgotten ones, so I had to raise myself. I stayed with my Mom because I LOVED her so very much. I did want to leave though, I just couldn't, she would say if I were to leave she would take her life, this was when she was drinking. I prayed she would stop. It seemed to make her sad! She would repeat over and over again, he is isolating me; he is turning everyone I ever loved away from me. He has killed me and I'm not even dead yet. I truly thought I could help. I would say, you have ME. I must have been blind or something; I didn't see how big this really was. I always try to make everyone happy, even if I hurt myself along the way. I really was hoping things would change they just never did. The only one I would tell half stories too, was the school counselor. I needed someone to listen to me. Thank you Mrs. Smith if you ever read this. You listened. Thank you. Not that the school did anything about it. Guess they didn't think they could help. So I fell through the cracks.
I am not the smartest cookie on the block, but I do think I am smart in different ways. Street smart and common sense. I was teaching myself to love me, screw the world. What I didn’t learn in school, I teach myself now. Friend looked to me for advice; this made me feel wanted and alive and like someone really cared.

TODAY'S POST:

I received this letter today in my inbox so I thought I would share it with my readers

Hello Jz

Thank you for your link. I read it with compassion. Would you be at all interested in sharing your story? I have noticed a pattern with adults that were abused as children. With others I have spoken to, it seems that the actual realizations and understandings about the abuse are coming about when the victim is older, say 35-45 years of age.

At the same time, I have met too many adults that either have substance abuse problem to cope with the painful memories and constant "why?" or they repeat the abusive cycle with their own children.

Best Regards

Eleanor

Hello Eleanor

I think it is wonderful what you are doing, But...

I cannot say my abuse has lead to abuse of substance, I don't even believe I should go on antidepressant. I feel I am sad for a reason. I still believe in hope. And I can promise you I would never in a million years ever do what I went through to my children or any child/person at that matter. I raised myself most of my life, I hated what happened to me and would not wish it on anyone, especially those I love. I said, as growing up, if I ever had children I would give them all the love I never did get. I kept that promise to myself, to my girls, and it was easy, Love is much easier, they are so precious, and they made it easy. They showed me love. They are all I ever did that was right, my family is me, they are who I am. I believe it is important to talk to your children, I think the more positive you are with people, In any walk of life, you get positive back. I believe in family, I believe in hope. I believe what they did was wrong. I wanted to be different than them. I am!! But I hurt inside.

I do see their abuse has touched my home once again. I know that seems a little weird but it has. You will have to fallow my story to see what I mean. I am the kind of person that finds it hard to be talk open in front of people, that is why I have started my blog site, maybe if I write it down then I can talk about it openly, without breaking into tears, I know you probably do not get this of me from my letter, but I am better on paper or on the phone. I don't know why.

Each day I add a little more of my jz inside story, and one day maybe I can make a difference for other, as you are. If you would like you are more than welcome to fallow me on my jz inside story, you are more than welcome to give me a call and we can talk, but I don't know if I am ready to join a group, or talk openly without the tears. Give me time, let me think about it. I just found out so much, and I am just starting with my healing. But I do want to help, I think it is wonderful there people like you out there that want to listen, you give yourself a pat on the back, and never stop what you are doing, Most people do not want to hear what I have to say, I guess it is a downer. I see there are many heartbroken people out there that have gone through the pain I have endured. It is a sin to believe the people you love and are to trust could hurt you so deep. I hurt!

I am broken, but I can and will fix what they broke. I want to help, give me time...

BUT THEY CAN'T REMEMBER!

Hello Jz

Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I should share back. The reason I am collecting people's stories is because I grew up like you. In fact the "forward" of the book was written by me, about my childhood. I will send it to you this week and it will give you a better insight to myself and why I believe that there is hope for people like us without turning to drugs or repeating the cycle.

I can certainly relate to you Jz - my childhood was physically abusive also, I was always told what a loser I am etc...Whatever my sibling did wrong I was punished for and the public humiliations were horrible. I recall a similar incident to your story - when I was 7 years old I fell while playing jump rope and broke my ankle. My parents refused to take me to the hospital despite my crying. A month later, my ankle was still bad and they finally took me to the doctors and lied about the injury. I was picked on all through school, high school and even college. I really felt like I had "damaged goods" written across my head. I actually wondered if other people could pick up on the fact that I was "damaged" because it seemed like It was just acceptable for anyone to treat me like crap. I did not turn to drugs or alcohol. But, I had an addiction to rage. I was tired of being treated badly. Over the years my anger got the best of me and people started commenting on what a "hot head" I was. I lost a good job over my temper. I decided to go to counseling and was amazed at what I learned. I learned that I had no self esteem. I learned I didn't like myself and that my anger was actually me constantly being in survival mode due to my childhood. We are not born with self esteem or confidence, we are not born with values, and we are not born with problem solving skills or life skills. These are supposed to be learned from our parents when we are children. Since you and I did not learn self worth, we have to go through these realizations and either get professional help, or become substance abusers to deal with the pain, or cry a lot. Jz I can tell you that self esteem counseling was very beneficial for me. Then I went on to stress counseling for post traumatic stress disorder and learned how to deal with anger and anxiety. I decided to invest in myself because I realized I am worth it. You are worth it to. I am a good person with lots to offer and I know that now. I also cut my parents out of my life years ago and what a weight lifted off my shoulders!

Jz, I cannot dwell or focus too much on my past. I also used to cry a lot, I could not figure out why my parents did this to me. But I can tell you that I am much better adjusted now, I am confident now, I can form positive and valued relationships now. Every day I think about what happened but now it is different. My parents still try to contact me in some way but they do not deserve me in their lives and they are not worth my time. I am worth my time. You are worth your time.

Our similarities are unreal. My parents used to abuse me but also each other. I recall many times I would hide in the basement and pray for them to divorce, for all the yelling and hitting to go away. I truly felt that if my father left, things would be better. Anyway, I could go on but I will email you the forward for the book - I think you will find it interesting. I think it is also important for you to know that my parents are both medical professionals and I grew up privileged. Abuse does not discriminate. No neighbors or family friends would do anything to stop what was going on. In fact my father to this day denies everything, which probably angers me the most, even to this day. When I confronted my mother, her response was "can't you just get over it". No I can't.

Judy, there will be no accountability from your parents. The burden lies with you to make you better. It is a tough journey.

Getting back to the book - I am asking people for one on one meeting not a group meeting and it has to be people, like yourself, who are dealing with this head on and not with drugs or medication. I think that is important - to face things no matter how much they hurt. Now people say to me, "you're so strong", but if they went through what I did, they would be stronger too. Also I would like the book to show people that the affects of abuse lasts a life time, and does not stop after your 10th birthday.

Eleanor

Continue where I left off above before this in-box letter

Friend noticed I could do whatever I wanted; they would ask if they could move in with my Mom and me. They were not getting along with their parents. My Mother would say, they could stay the night to calm down, she would say they had to call home to let their parents know where they were, she would say, “just because you didn’t think they cared, or just because you are upset at your parent does not mean they do not love you, they would worry and have a sleepless night. No one could ever love you the way your parents do. My Mom would say to my friends if you are having a hard time going back for any reason, she would be more then welcome to invite the parents over to talk it out together and to help fix what ever got broken. This is the way I was raised by my Mom.

Good advise something I would say!

Abuse

2011-02-16T06:42:00.001-08:00

Remembering the abuse

I remember my Mr. Dads Mom lived with us, I was no more than eight years old, it was late one night, and she came to my room with a knife calling me a sinful child, like what is up with that. I don't know if I let my mom know or if she intervened. I do remember they had a fight the next evening in their room. My mom was saying she had to leave,
I was in danger it was to be my grandmother or my Mom was going to leave. I was praying in my room please lord let it happen. But it didn't, they just kept on living together, having the youngest child sleeping between them. My Grandmother did leave then.
People ask me if I would like to be a kid again? I say "no way" I would never go back I would rather die. But you are just feeling sorry for yourself, froggy. How ugly are they?
Why did my Mom hate me so much? Why did everyone have a right in that house but me? Everyone would say well at least you have Dad, you are his favorite, well I guess it wasn't really everyone, It was just my older sister. I loved her so so much, I looked up to her, she was so beautiful to me, so I believed her, after all I would describe myself as a kind person, I had no reason to not believe her. I love people, I trust people, I am kind, I try to treat others the way I would want people to treat me. My love was true, I was blind to them. In a way anyway.
What Dad at about age ten does this, I just got a new book from my Uncle, this was special day to me, my Uncle and his son Robbie and I went out for the afternoon, he bought me a sticker book, about all different animals. I just got it and my younger sister wanted to see it, not with me but by herself. I just got it, I just opened it. He grabbed the book from me, gave it to her, stomped up the stairs; tell me he fucking hated my guts. GREEDY GREEDY GREEDY. So now my Mom hated me, and the person my oldest sister said "I was his favorite too," hated me. Could life get any worse?

Just a thought
What I really don't understand is, why is it I could not see this? I seem to be able to read people so well, but not them .

I know some people my parents hung around with knew about the abuse. When we lived in Windsor there was a family we hung out with on weekends. I looked forward to our visits. The father was a custodian at my grade school. I was in grade one, the school was call John O Co-hill. I think he told some of the teachers there, was abuse, because on two occasions a teacher picked me and another student to go to see bozo the clown. Things like this were done back then. I was on T.V, I thought that was cool. That was in grade one and two. I often wonder if I could get those shows. If he didn't say anything to those teacher, and they did this out of the goodness of their hearts, there are really good people out in our world. I remember them to this day. This is a happy thought. Maybe this writing it down is going to help.
I know that whenever I talk to people about my thoughts and what is going on in my life, is to tense and most people just do not want the downer. They say things like this happened back then. But I didn't see what was happening to me, happening to the rest of the kids in our house hold. Don't get me wrong, my older sister got in trouble time to time but never beatings. I don't ever remember my brother or my youngest sister ever getting the kind of beating I got. We all knew they were our Moms favorite. My oldest sister was Mr. Dads and she lead me to believe I was his favorite too. What a fool I was. Just because someone says something does not always mean it is. Why couldn't I see this of her? Was it the wall that was building around me? This wall, this shield that was protecting me, I think it was also shouting me out of my reality.
Time moved on more went on, I am sharing this with you because it has a lot of significant. I was about eleven and a half years old, My Mom ask me for the first time in my life if I could do her a favor? It was a very important favor, since I was old enough that is. She was babysitting a little girl; I think she was three at the time. My Mom had to run and pick up something she had forgotten. I was to watch Suzie and make sure nothing happened. I watched her; we were in the back yard sitting on the picnic table when Suzie asked for a drink. I ask my younger sister to keep an eye, not to move until I returned. I opened the back door and all I heard was crying and screaming. Suzie had fallen off the table onto the cement, and a Hugh goose egg on the forehead. I got so badly beaten for that no pants on bare skin two paddles broken on me. I was hung by the neck and I couldn't breathe. My feet were dangling and couldn't feel my head. If it was not for my little sister screaming "you are going to kill her" she dropped me. I would be dead today, if not for her. I was told to come down and apologize to Suzie's Mom. She seen, she knew, she said it was Okay and it was an accident. Could have happened to anyone she said. Something dyed in me that day. I just didn't belong.
I do remember Suzie's Mom, from time to time ask if I could come to her house and watch Suzie for her so she could get her chores done. Once again seeing there is good people out there.

I think it was that day, my Mother decided what was to happen next

Shortly after this is when my parent separated. My Mother left that Mr Dad guy. He and my older sister went to California to find a house and to get the papers for a green card. We were going to move to California. California here we come. Only to find when he returned home we were gone. My younger sister, my Mom and myself. My older brother wouldn’t come.
I stayed with my Mom, so did my little sister. Life took to another turn. Our Mom took up drinking and the wrong crowd. She had a vodka and orange juice in the fridge, we drank some not knowing there was alcohol in it then we went to school, and we were sent back to live with our Mr. Dad. I didn't live there very long when he got mad at me, one time when I would not go out with him and this lesbian girl friend he had, I do believe she seemed to be more into me then him. I was twelve at the time. I refused he yelled and screamed, he stated beating me with a wooden brush, over the head; he broke that brush with my head. He had never hit me before, I said I was moving back with my Mom, He said, so you are not my biological child anyway I don't know why I ever bothered with you
Running to my Mom, telling her what he said. I repeated it over and over, why would he say I am not his biological daughter. My Mother replied Jz, a father is someone that puts food in your belly, and a roof over your head. Still I repeated it again and again. Why would he say I was not his biological daughter? This is when my Mom said, Judy I can guarantee one thing that is a for sure you are a Gxrton. So I guess I must have been satisfied because I went on my merry way.
Looking back now I do believe she was trying to tell me. Don't you?

Why is it he never called, not once? I waited, she would ask if I missed him and I said no. But I did want him to call. He never did. I lived with her for five years after they had broken up. Not one calls!
Until he wanted me to meet his new wife to be that is. I was about fourteen at the time. That is two years after I left. When I met her it was at a house party they were throwing, so we never really talked.
I want you to know, My Mother went to hit me once after I moved back with her, I grabbed her hand and stated if she ever went to hit me again I would hit her back, I would move in with my Uncle xxx, I always felt close to him. He was one of the only places I was allowed to sleep at when I was a kid, I loved him he was so kind. He would say I was a princess. I have two wonderful cousins, a boy and a girl. The girl and I were so close; we told everyone we were sisters. I couldn't wait for the week end so I could see her. They truly loved me. So I said I would just move there. This is when my Mom broke down and cried. I asked her why she hated me so much, why did she beat me, what did I ever do to her? Why did she hate me so much? This is when My Mom said sorry to me. She said she would never do it again, she said she was just so unhappy. There were things that I didn't understand about that man. She said I was going through enough and one day she would explain. I am so sorry she would keep repeating. You know she never did hit me after that day. After that we learned to hug and say I love you. In the evenings after school on occasion she would read her romance novels to me. Not that I enjoyed that type of book, I just enjoyed she was paying attention to me. I had never been read to as a kid so this was closeness to me.

Sometimes the abuser is the abused.

I ran down stairs because
I had to write this down before I forgot.

In loving memories of

my Mom. Gone but not

forgotten. Even in her

death she was blamed

for all the wrong that

happened in that house

many years ago.
It is time for the world to see the true

Barbara Joyce Gurton/Findly

This is for her own kids.

Maybe they would like to see

their true Mom. Not the thirty

years of hate that has been handed to us.
Mom this is for you the one that was
abused and no one listened, or saw.
I see it now and I am letting them know the
true you.
Gone but not forgotten.

Gone but not forgotten

My Mother was the kind of person that said sorry
Therefore she could forgive, she never put you down
She just made me aware,
Of all those little secretes, you were trying to despair
Truth shell set you free...
She would say, I loved that man, I just can't,
She just couldn't handle the rage
The dangling, the abuse,

Waiting for a death of her father to arrive
Is that called blackmail?

This is not love.
I am the battle ground,
I was the abuse,
She left you for two years

With two of your children
She came back with three
That was me
I was from love,
I don't care what you think
How dare you stand before me
And put shame to her name,
At least she stood up, she fell to her knees
I am sorry, please forgive me
The abuse stopped there,
I loved my Mom, we became friends
At the end she was there, she was true to me
She never spoke a bad of you.
Just made me aware
Not one bad word,
As you gave me thirty years
Of nothing but bad words
She just made me aware,

She said one day you will know

That man as I do,

You have the puzzle within

It will arrive one day you'll see

I guess it is here!

By Judy/jz

Words our Mother spoke to me;

We cannot go back in time, but we can always make it right.

Did you forget? Do you not remember? Has he made you blind?
Life is not what it may appear, I was there too, I do remember. Ask yourself did she talk about him?

Who leaves if you are his favorite? Why did it take so long for me to see?

Like I said my Mom took to drinking, I didn't understand how one could change so fast. Why? But I do understand why now.

My Mom would tell me all the time. You do not know that man as I do. He is trying to hurt me. He is trying to isolate me. He has taken my whole family from me. They are on his side. Side what side? I would ask. I see now this is exactly what he was doing. Why is it everyone of her own family wouldn't call, take her calls, or not one visitor from any of the people she gave so much to.

There was only one Aunt that would visit and share in our lives. She continued for years later visiting me, and tells me some fine stories of her and my Mom. Thank you for my Aunt Margery.

So I live with my Mom and my two sisters and my brother lived with Mr. Dad and his live in girl friend. He never called ever; I don't understand how some things get locked in.
Living with my mom had many draw backs as well, she took to drinking, I think she didn't know how to get happy. He isolated her, any friends she had before, dumped her, her family dumped her; the stress she left behind didn't leave. It was very much there. And all she would say is you don't know that man. This is him doing this to me. I was too much into the teen seen, I was there but I wasn't, this was to deep for me. Now I see.
My mom had a live in guy too, see had several at different time that is, I hated them all. They all like to drink; on the week end she was gone most of the time. Most of the time she would just come home and cry. But during the week she would drink one or two sometime three, but she was there. She made my dinners, she tucked my in. I wasn't in the safest place, I don't think as a parent you should have any other partner live with you until the children leave. Or it should at least be, if a child does not feel safe they shouldn't be sleeping there. But I guess some kids would just cry wolf.
My family thinks my mom had many men, but to be honest she would leave this one guy, but they would always get back, this is the one I feared the most. There were times I would want to leave, I just couldn't, she would say don't leave me alone. Where would you go? She would ask. One time I said Uncle Bob, she said his wife, and My Aunt didn't like me anymore than her. I never did question that. WHY? And I wouldn't go back to Mr Dad’s; he couldn't even call me not once, so I stayed.
Well it ended up where they truly went their separate ways. He called my Mom to let her know he was moving to Sauble Beach, My brother moved in with My Uncle Bob. Mom found this new guy; things were looking up for her. This was someone that took life serious, and he was madly in love with me Mom. He believed what my Mom was saying and really truly tried to help. So this is when we moved to Calgary Alberta. We got a place settle in, never heard from any of my family at all. Not one time. They didn't even send her a Mother’s day card. She cried, she said this was Him (Mr. Dad) it was him.

Just a thought

You know I can't help but feel there is something going on in my life, something bigger than me. Why do I say this? Well my daughter left me on Mother’s day.

I see now that she couldn't tell me the truth. I think she was afraid I would leave and she would be alone. He truly was isolating her. I see now Mr. Dad got my older sister, to help him isolate her own Mom. Someone told me Jz your older sister has always gone around putting out your fathers fires. If it was not for your older sister he would have no one.

I believe this to be true because, over thirty years later they are doing the same to me. Not one person in my family will answer the phone to me. And anyone I have talked to, (This would be before anyone wouldn't answer my call that is.)

They all say the same Jz your older sister is going around telling us you made all this up and your dad never told you for the second time you are not his biological daughter. This is what my Mom warned me about. She told me my older sister was doing this to her with the help of Mr Dad. My Mom told me to watch my back when it comes to your older sister; her intentions with you are malice.

Less Stress Test

2011-02-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met or been affected by a Sociopath?

Just a thought

Now many people say I should not write this. They say I am showing everyone how uneducated I am. I am shaming myself. I don't see it that way. I did nothing wrong, why do people feel the need to say such a thing. I did not do this to me, this happened to me. A bomb fell on my head, and I found out the truth.

The truth might hurt but a lie is worse.

What I don't understand is why did I not see it until now? Was I blind? If you feel something is wrong, please call a help line for teens call a help line just for kids or write it down, get it out. Write. It will help you in your life to get it out. There are people to help. All you have to do is ask.

To really understand where, what, who and why, I must start at the beginning. The first time I went to a counselor she asked me to sum up who I am?

I guess I would have to consider myself the kind of person that likes to help others, I'm a people pleaser, I like to be liked and I like people to like me. I found myself as I was growing up if someone didn't like me I questioned why? Why don't they like me? Why does it bother me so much that they don't like me? What can I do to make these people like me? I am a family person. I believe in family. I believe to have a friend is a privilege that should be cared for. I believe in compassion, I think this world has changed in many ways. I think compassion has left many people. Who am I?

The second question the counselor asked me is why I was there? With this in mind I'm going to let you know. This is my count down to my less stress test. Will it work? There is help for the child that are abused.

There are many types of abuse.

I am a loving mother of three beautiful girls, whenever they are troubled or sad, even happy at that matter. I would say to them to write it down. Happy thoughts, Sad thoughts, troubled roads if you can't talk of it you should write it down, it will go away faster. It will take stress away. A loving thought or a happy day is a pretty cool story to read in the future. I love reading things I wrote when I was younger. So I thought since I have been telling them to write their stories down, here I am, so my journey in writing this is to eliminate my stress here goes, wish me luck! I'm not a writer, I don't claim to be, and I’m just an average person, struggling through life. I am not too sure on where to begin so here goes. I'm noticing for the first time in my life at age 46 the feelings I felt in my life have been true.

This is a poem I wrote.

Tears on my pillow

Tears on my pillow story never told

I was the innocent, you are the bold

I told you I loved you, I told you I cared

you didn't understand me,

and now I am scared

The tears start to fall

shame on you all…

What brought the truth on in my life was my daughter at age 15 years old was running into problems. This is when my nightmare began. I want you to know we are and have been loving parent. We did everything with our girls. I wanted to be in their lives, I wanted a family. I wanted to show them how you are to be with children. Running away was not my daughter’s choice. You will find out she was being nudged to do so. By family, that was not true family. Looking back now. Too late I lose. I don't even think Dr Phil could fix what has been broken. Now I could start at this date but I think it would be unfair for me and everyone to really understand what took place. So let me go back in time.

I came from a home that was not the best place for any child to grow up. Child abuse is never good! I do not want to get into all the bad but I fear I am going to have to walk up this alley if you are to understand what I am going through now.

When I was a kid I always felt I didn't belong. Like I was outside looking in or something like that. I remember feeling scared. My parents seem to fight a lot and I always prayed they would leave one another. Can you imagine a 7 -8-year-old getting on her knees and praying to God, that their parents would leave each other?

I remember my kindergarten picture I had two black eyes. it was not my first and it wasn't the last time I was ever beaten. My abuse didn't just happen with physical; I noticed it was mental as well. I was called names a lot not just by my siblings but by my parents. They would say things like everything hangs on you, boy are you ever dumb, are you ever greedy, you are a thief and a liar and the list goes on. They made me believe this of myself. They seemed to cut my hair short or give me a home perm, was this to make me look ugly? Are girls not supposed to see themselves as princesses? Who would do this to a little girl and why? Well I found out why.

There was one name that stood out for years even to this day it makes me sick and I cry inside. When you hear it you're going to laugh.

Thinking it is cute, but to me they called me it after there was this program on TV, it was all about ugly frogs, everyone in the room was awing, yuk, gross, how ugly all these frogs were. Yes my Mr. dad was there also. After that my brother turned around and said that will be your new name frog. So it was froggy this and froggy that, all my life. now to a little girl in grade one, that sees these ugly frogs and then is called it for many years it makes one cry out loud and no one cared. I cried, and no one cared. I was told I was just feeling sorry for myself all the time. As I write this down I am crying, how sad of them how could they do this to sweet little girl. They did this, they allowed this. How dare them I have to go…

There is more, my parents started calling me frog, oh come on it's a joke they would say. But it hurt me inside and they just didn't care, even though I cried they didn't care. I didn't like it. I was just too busy feeling sorry for myself. "What is wrong with me?" is a question they made me asks myself for many years. When I should have been asking myself what is wrong with them. I don't belong here; I think the hospital sent me to the wrong home I would say to myself.

Sorry I had to leave the tears that fell I could no longer type. One thing I would like to share with you is that something happened to that little girl. I used to tell my husband that, when I was a little girl I pray to God that my parents would separate. I told him something back then was protecting me I called it my wall or like a plastic bubble was protecting me. Will this pain ever leave?

WHAT IS FAMILY?

So here I am in a family I do not feel like I belong in, my parents fighting, hating each other, I have siblings that don't seem to care. Parents that think its okay to allow siblings to attack one another and say nothing. Such as once my brother punched me in the belly, it knocked the wind right out of me, I was rolling on the floor, looking up and they were all laughing at me in pain. All of them! Parent too. I would be hit by siblings and everyone would laugh, "But they don't remember “funny how that works."I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Is what they would say to me. They had me believing it! My older sister would be there to tell me, well at least you are our dad's favorite?

I have a little sister that push me down the stairs one time, I was about seven years old I'm sure it was just an accident. It was the basement steps I don't really remember too much but I do remember that there was no railing going down the steps. I was at the top when she pushed me so I went right down a large fall onto the cement floor below. My arm was broken, I beg to seek help, I know it was earlier day hours when it happened because I was called inside to play with my younger sister, like always. After they moved it around and hurt me even more we got into the car, very dark out side I might add. I was told off the whole drive there, I beg to go home, I was scared. I do remember the fear, isn't it funny how fear stays within you? How you can remember the sad moments? Why can't I remember the good times? anyway I just wanted to turn around and go home just in case nothing was wrong, when we got to the hospital we found that it was broken thank God. fear sure stand out,so sad. I find myself remembering so much more bad than good! I do try though, How about a hug? I remember once when I asked for a hug my Mom pushed me away and said I was too old for a hug. I was about 10 years old. Right after that my younger sister, got that hug I was asking for right after, why? Mr Dad was in the room.

My younger sister would sit at the table, clear her throat and say Jz don't look at me, Jz don't look at me, repeated over and over and over again. I was made to turn my head or leave the room; wouldn't you feel like you didn't belong? If ever I would say anything they would say I was just feeling sorry for myself. Or if my younger sister asked for one of my toys no questions asked. It was no longer mine. It was hers and then if I wanted to play with that toy I would have to ask her if I could play with it.

If something went missing Jz did it. But they can't remember there is just so much pain they did this to me. I am mad.

Do you want to know what it is like being one year younger than my older sister, four years older than my younger sister, and you have to go to bed at 7:00/:30 and everyone is still down stair watching T.V. because you need more sleep than everyone. Wow! There were times I would go downstairs just to find everyone eating pizza and I’m sent back to bed!

The list goes on. I can't help but feel like one of those women that have gotten beaten, but I had nowhere to go, and no one cared. I feel like one of those war people that went through hell and came back and had to make a life and forget about everything. I feel like one of those people that had to go into protection and loose all those they ever loved. My love was true.

Just a thought

I want you to know I do not blame any of this on my siblings, I see now it is the way we were raised. What I don't understand is how they can sit there and say I don't remember.

How come I wouldn't just say stop you know what happened, I was there, you were there. I guess they would have to show the world the true them.

I guess this is me:

Effects of child abuse in children:

Children who experienced child abuse are likely to have some emotional and physical problem whether they display them or not and in worse cases, a child might have suicide tendencies because of this the effects of child abuse on the child's depends on how great the abuse is the greater the abuse, the greater the effects on the overall state of the child.

Depression, stress and trauma are also some of the effects of child abuse in children. Abuse children also exhibit conditions like difficulty in building up relationships and people, low self-esteem, eating disorders, as well as physical disabilities. Child abuse could also lower the self-worth of a child who experiences it.

Now I've been to the doctor, and he has tried to put me on antidepressants. But I can't help but feel, I'm feeling sad for reason. Are you telling me that when a person is feeling sad for a reason they're depressed? and you need medicine, are we not supposed to have emotions? I do believe I am in some sort of trauma, but I don't feel I need antidepressants. I just need to let this out.

The body speaks

I can't help but envy Oprah Winfrey, I heard that she was reunited with her half sister that she had never ever met. How they found this out later on in life and they accepted her into their lives. I've been a half-sister to my family for now over 40 years and they act like I am not as worthy as them. I see why now how I was Cinderella or some fairytale story and one day I would be saved by a prince.

They seen me as bad the same way my parents did. But it was unfair because they knew other than my youngest sister; I do not think she knew, I think she was too young. But I didn't KNOW. I was a toy. I have been nothing but bad to them, I have done nothing, I was BORN.

BUT nobody in my family seems to have seen any of the good I've done. That I believe in family. Why? I guess to them I broke the family, I should have been an abortion.

Sure would be nice if I could be Oprah Winfrey's sister, I bet she would accept me. I heard Oprah is coming to Canada. I would just like to say WELCOME TO CANADA OPRAH WINFREY! You have touched many of lives.

Color Purple

Precious

Kids Don't Tell
Dear Oprah, Dear Dr Phil, to anyone that will listen.

Hi my name is Judy, some on the net know me as jz, or jz karaoke and I have something to say.

Now many people say I should not write this. I am just showing people how uneducated I am. I am shaming myself. But I have to, I don't know why. I just do.

I am not making this blog to hurt anyone. Or for anyone to feel sorry for me.

I think I would just like people to know there are many kinds of bulling and many kind of abusers. Now before I begin I want everyone to know I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me either. I just would really like for people to be aware, that is all. Maybe my story will help someone in need, you are never alone. And kids don't tell. So it is up to us adults to stop all this hate from one person to the next.

I couldn’t figure out what to name this blog, I came up with so many, like,

Crisis, help me,
Kids don't tell, Adults are ashamed to say...
Oh my god, help me!
Who am I ?
Dear Oprah
Case file number 257,
Why me?
Bullies
Abusers
Truth
Lies
Help
Counseling blog
Who am I?
Save me?
Never look back
Pray for me.
How Bleak
Tampered with my brain
Like a Puzzle, within you
My inner thoughts
Brian Baker
Toy with me
How naive
You can’t hide
I’m not a toy
If you want to know who I am, don't look at you
Hate me for me, not what they say
No one had to pick sides
Am I a sin
Should I have been a abortion
100 to 1
Your mom is always right, it had to be her
Hate land
Love, hate, relationship