The Benchwarmer's Blog

Tom Brady Reinvents The Term 'Shotgun Wedding'

2009-04-06T12:18:00.002-04:00

Like most celebs, Tom Brady and new wife Gisele Bundchen had another wedding this weekend because, you know, nothing says "Look how awesome we are!" like making your guests shell out another 200 bucks at Bed Bath and Beyond. This time, however, the nuptials didn't go as smoothly.

"According to local reports, one of Gisele's bodyguards fired gunshots at a photographer in Costa Rica. French news agence Agence France-Presse reports that Bundchen's guard fired a gun in the direction of a paparazzo who was unwilling to hand over his camera, presumably with photos of the couple's private wedding. Another photographer for Al Dia, a local Costa Rican photographer was in the car when the shots rang out. He wasn't hurt, but reportedly filed a police report on the incident."

All I wanna know is how can I hire this ridiculously over reactive body guard? "What?! You didn't give her extra cheese?" Kaplow!

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The 'Other' Jay Cutler

2009-03-31T23:25:00.003-04:00

I was going to post something about the ongoing Jay Cutler drama, but then I Googled his name to find a photo and that's when things went astray for I discovered the "other" Jay Cutler: a giant diarrhea-colored man. I don't know why I'm fascinated with body-builders other than the fact that they take everything that society says we should do to ourselves and then do the exact opposite. That's how you end up looking like this:
Hooray for fanny packs!

A Rod Likes The Uglies

2009-03-24T16:25:00.002-04:00

For Alex Rodriguez, life's getting worse and worse. The recent allegation is that he had a romantic involvement with Kristin Davis, a madam a.k.a. lady pimp, while he was married. Now A Rod's not the best looking guy in the face department, but he's super fit and super rich which instantly grants him the power of getting practically any woman in the world. So I can't understand why he keeps choosing women who look like they were born with something extra. And by extra, I don't mean sex appeal. Wink, wink.

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A-Rod Kisses Himself In Details Magazine

2009-03-17T14:58:00.002-04:00

Baseball's most recently infamous athlete is grazing the cover of Details magazine. I'm just glad Details hits with the hard questions. Like "What's your favorite Madonna song?" Go here for the full story and pictures from the shoot. I'm not sure who Details is supposed to appeal to, but A-Rod on top of a dirty mattress in some basement does nothing for me besides being a tad unsettling.

1920's Reporter Guys Is Doing It All Wrong

2009-03-15T15:08:00.002-04:00

I hadn't heard of "1920s Reporter Guy" until this weekend, and while I'm a huge fan of fast-talkin' Depression-era themed anything, but I was a little disappointed. First of all, where's the funny mustache? If you're going to whore your press pass in hopes of higher ratings for your radio show, you gotta do it right. I'm talking this guy:

Syracuse Beats UConn In The Longest Game Ever

2009-03-13T22:49:00.003-04:00

After almost 4 hours and 6 overtimes of basketball, Syracuse beat UConn 127 to 117. After a minute and a half on the treadmill, I cramp out and have to hit the stationary bikes, so I'm highly impressed by these young athletes. After their victory, Syracuse even had enough strength to pose for this team picture:

Michael Strahan Is A Creepy Spy

2009-03-06T18:38:00.004-05:00

Someone better call Joey Greco because he's got competition. According to the NY Post, Michael Strahan has been spying on his girlfriend in order to catch her cheating.

When the gap-toothed ex-Giant suspected his longtime girlfriend of cheating, he put a tracking device in her car - and went ballistic when she found it, sources told The Post.

Oh but the story doesn't end there. Apparently this isn't the first time Strahan's been caught snooping.

During his nasty 2006 divorce trial, Strahan's ex-wife, Jean, accused the hulking defensive lineman of using high-tech spyware to tap her phone at their New Jersey mansion. She also revealed at the trial that he'd installed a secret video system to record her sister undressing.

There are a few things I've learned from this story. For one, having a gap in your front teeth is never a good look, and two, if Michael Strahan ever invites me to a pool party, I'm getting changed beforehand.

Tom Brady Goes Topless

2009-03-04T16:44:00.005-05:00

I go on and on about how I think Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are both butterfaces, but these recent pictures of a shirtless Brady make me think he's just mostly butter. All I'm saying is that when you're married to this, it wouldn't hurt to tone a little more. Plus I'll use any excuse to post that above photo.

Search Ends For Missing NFL Players

2009-03-03T20:51:00.003-05:00

Marquis Cooper

Recently the news of 3 football players that went missing at sea when they were thrown off their fishing boat has been on everyone's minds. Unfortunately, the search for Oakland Raider's Marquis Cooper, free-agent Corey Smith, and former South Florida player William Bleakely has ended.

"After three days of combing 24,000 miles of ocean, the Coast Guard on Tuesday stopped searching for two NFL players and a third man lost in rough, chilly Gulf of Mexico waters off the Florida coast.

“I think they were not to be found,” Robert Bleakley said."

This is very sad news and must be unbearable for all of those close to the players especially when you factor in the constant thought that they may be alive. Hopefully there will someday be a more positive ending to this story.

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Manny Ramirez Says No To Dodgers' $45 Million

2009-03-02T15:54:00.002-05:00

I haven't been following the Manny Ramirez drama lately, mostly because A-Rod has been hogging the spotlight. But the latest is that Ramirez declined a $45 million deal from the Dodgers.

"The Dodgers announced last week that Ramirez had declined the team's latest offer, a $25 million, one-year contract for the 2009 season with a $20 million player option for 2010."

This makes me really want to hit the batting cages and go pro. Except I'm afraid of getting lice from those community helmets. And the fastballs scare me.

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Tom Brady And Gisele Bundchen Get Married

2009-02-26T22:52:00.002-05:00

The engagement rumors have been circling for some time now, but US Weekly reports that quarterback Tom Brady and girlfriend Gisele Bundchen got married.

"The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars."

Call me crazy, but I just don't think either of the two are attractive. There's no joke here. I just got home from a long day and all of my wit skills have run dry, so that's really all I have. Yup, they're kinda weird looking and will have tall kinda weird looking babies. The end.

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Jim Calhoun Hates Poor People

2009-02-23T19:44:00.004-05:00

UCONN coach Jim Calhoun was confronted by political activist and pretend reporter Ken Kreyeske during a press conference. The conversation went something like this:

Ken: Connecticut has no money and you make a lot of money.
Jim: Yeah and I'm not giving it to nobody!
Ken: But you make lots of money.
Jim: Actually I make lots and lots of money! Muahahahahaaha!

Then Calhoun told him to shut-up a bunch of times and that's about it. Actually I'm on no one's side here. The reporter was ass-annoying and Calhoun acted like a child, so the only winner here is us who get to enjoy this awkward moment and be glad we weren't involved. But then we feel sad that we don't get to make $1.6 million a year, so really we're all losers.

See the actual clip here or below:

Tiger Woods Returns To Golf, Some Are Not Impressed

2009-02-21T17:03:00.002-05:00

The golf world is a-buzzin' with the news that Tiger Woods will rejoin the sport after taking a leave due to a knee injury and birth of his new son. Examiner.com, however, thinks the news is so-so:

Sure, the confirmation of Tiger Woods’ return to competition next week dominated yesterday’s golf headlines...but it wasn’t the most significant development of the week.

Largely unnoticed Monday was the announcement in Hong Kong that the R&A, the Masters and the Asia Pacific Golf Confederation have joined forces to create the Asian Amateur Championship. The winner will earn a start in the following year’s Masters and the top two finishers will be exempt into International Final Qualifying for the British Open."

Frankly, before Tiger Woods I didn't give a rat's butt about golf and thought that Jack Nicklaus was great in "The Shining," so the news that he's coming back and making golf interesting again is much bigger than something that reads like the premise for Mark Burnett's new show.

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Tiger Woods Releases First Photos Of New Son

2009-02-18T19:59:00.002-05:00

Golfer Tiger Woods finally released the first photos of his son Charlie Axel. All babies that age look the same to me (like wrinkly mini potatoes), but Charlie's pretty cute. See the photos here. And no, the above pictures are not of the new son but of Tiger's daughter. I would have posted the actual photos if I weren't deathly afraid of Tiger Woods coming after me with a nine-iron screaming copyright infringement.

Lance Armstrong Uses Twitter To Get His Bike Back

2009-02-18T11:19:00.005-05:00

Recently, Lance Armstrong's very expensive bike was stolen and instead of running to his parents crying like I did when my bike was stolen, Armstrong decided to take a more modern approach:

"Armstrong sent out a rallying cry to the more than 128,000 Twitter members who have signed up to receive the brief text messages he routinely fires off on the popular micro-blogging service."

Some of his messages were:

" 'Whoa! They just came to my room and said our truck was broken into and someone stole my time trial bike!...APB out to the twitterati.' "

And:

" 'Hitting the sack early tonight...two days in the pouring rain has worn my old a…(expletive) out.' "

I like Lance Armstrong, so it weirds me out that he consistently sends little updates his pretend cyber friends. I'm just hoping he doesn't lower himself to this: "JuSt wON ThE TooRe De FrANce It WAs L33T, LoL OmG, mY pArENtS ArE SooOO LaME."

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Dale Earnhardt Jr Wants To Beat Up Brian Vickers

2009-02-17T06:27:00.006-05:00

I'm not a huge NASCAR fan but the recent Earnhardt Jr drama has been kind of exciting. Despite his claims that he felt no animosity towards Brian Vickers, Earnhardt apparently said the following to his crew during the race:

" 'Tell Vickers if he wants to meet me in the garage to get his ass beat, I'm willing.' "

If the fight actually took place, I imagine it would look something like this:

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Lance Armstrong Gets His $10,000 Bike Stolen

2009-02-16T15:22:00.003-05:00

Someone out there must hate Lance Armstrong because the cyclist's bike (which costs over $10,000) was recently stolen. I'm suspecting the culprit's either some French dude or Sheryl Crow. Although it's hard to tell the difference between the two. Get it? Because she looks like a guy. Ok, that was bad, but at least I didn't make a ball joke.

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Dale Earnhardt Jr Causes 9-Car Crash At The Daytona 500

2009-02-15T19:27:00.005-05:00

Dale Earnhardt Jr caused a 9-car crash at the Daytona 500 which included Kyle Busch, Jimmie Johnson, Kurt Busch, Robby Gordon, Denny Hamlin, Jamie McMurray, Scott Speed and Carl Edwards.

"Dale Earnhardt Jr. triggered a nine-car accident in the Daytona 500 that knocked rival Kyle Busch out NASCAR's biggest event of the year.

Busch had led a race-high 88 laps before the accident, which came just after a restart with 75 laps to go in Sunday's race at Daytona International Speedway."

Personally I'm just surprised there's actually a NASCAR driver named Scott Speed. That's like if my name were Suzy Sometimesfunnyblogger.

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Jeff Reed Proves To Be Even More Of A Douche

2009-02-14T22:23:00.002-05:00

Pittsburgh Steelers' kicker Jeff Reed and his invisible shirt have screwed up again:

"State police say Reed threw a temper tantrum at a Sheetz convenience store in New Alexandria, a tiny borough about 35 miles east of Pittsburgh, because its restroom didn't have any towels.

Reed has been cited for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, summary offenses similar to traffic tickets."

There are a few things funny with this story. For one, the place is ironically named Sheetz. The other is the realization that Reed and bathrooms equal embarrassment. Don't forget this is the same guy who's responsible for this photo (slightly NSFW).

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Um, Dating An Athlete Doesn't Count: AskMen's Top Women Of '09

2009-02-14T12:23:00.007-05:00

Something on FoxSports.com caught my eye today: a list of sports-related females that landed on AskMen's list of the top 99 women of '09. Sadly enough, the first 6 were the only athletes with the rest being starfudgers like Jessica Simpson and Eva Longoria. And what in the heck is Elizabeth Hasselbeck doing ranking well above Maria Sharapova?! It makes me wonder if these "men" they're asking are blind, missing a frontal lobe, or actually straight women. So for next year's vote, here's a little hint: Above is a photo of Maria Sharapova. Below is a picture of Elizabeth Hasselbeck. You be the judge. And yes, that's really her.

David Beckham's Still Here

2009-02-14T10:12:00.004-05:00

One of the biggest sports flops since the XFL has been David Beckham coming to America. And now despite his efforts to be traded to a team in Italy, it looks like Becks will stay put.

" 'I have nothing against the Galaxy," Beckham said. "Los Angeles has been a wonderful experience. But at Milan I have found great players who have been of great help to me. For the time being, things could not be going better.' "

I say just let him go. Hell hath no fury like a British metrosexual scorned.

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Brett Favre Retires Version 2.0

2009-02-13T16:15:00.003-05:00

Yes, this is already old and kinda boring, but Brett Favre announced he's retiring again.

"Favre played one season for the Jets, who were 8-3 at one point in the season but lost four of their last five games. Favre struggled late in the season and admitted he got tired, citing tougher travel among other things. The Jets made four West Coast trips in 2008."

For those of you who don't know, Favre owns a steakhouse that's cleverly named Brett Favre's Steakhouse. To me this sounds delicious because if it's one thing that comes to mind when I think of Brett Favre, it's aged meat. Oh snap!

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The BWB Reacts to the Michael Phelps Story

2009-02-11T12:25:00.003-05:00

Usually I just give the story and a witty quip at the end, but the Michael Phelps fiasco has a few people commenting so I thought I'd give a little personal opinion on the matter. And that opinion is that I don't care. Yes I think it's inappropriate for kids to see and hopefully doesn't encourage any of them to smoke pot, but 3 months suspension, a slew of lost corporate affiliates, and possible jail time? Give me a break! The proverbial public flogging he's received from having it all over the internet is punishment enough. Bah, that's enough seriousness. Here's a funny picture of cats:

Alex Rodriguez Gets Stalked By Sports Illustrated Reporter

2009-02-10T11:02:00.004-05:00

"She'll nevah catch me on the open sea!"

As with most A-Rod news the plot keeps thickening. As if getting caught doing steroids weren't bad enough for his image, A-Rod's now coming off like a crazy cheerleader who's just been dumped by the star quarterback:

"Rodriguez went on to say that [Selena] Roberts was tossed from his New York City apartment building, that she had to be escorted off of the University Miami campus by police when she sought out Rodriguez at the campus gym on Thursday and that she tried to break into his Miami home where his 'children were sleeping'. "

A-Rod just needs to admit he was wrong, apologize, and allow himself to be overshadowed by the other people on that steroid list.

Source : Viewer discretion's advised if you have a fear of Tomato Men.

A-Rod Admits to Using Steroids

2009-02-09T15:52:00.006-05:00

A-Rod's been a bad boy lately...or um 6 years ago...but at least he recently confessed to the recent steroid allegations:

" 'Back then, [baseball] was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid, I was naive. I wanted to prove to everyone I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time.' "

He then went on to say this:

" 'To be quite honest, I am sure of the (banned) substance I took.' "

2003 was a frightening time: We started to bomb Iraq, the star of Junior became the governor of California, and apparently if you didn't have a needle hanging out of your butt all the other baseball players made fun of you. And honestly, him having no idea of the substance he took sounds like a bunch of bologna. And yes, I had to sing that Oscar Mayer song to spell "bologna."

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