The Mind of Megatron

Quick Review:Black Ops 2 Multiplayer

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 12:59:00 +0000

I used to be a massive fan of the Call of Duty franchise and Christ only knows how many hours of my life I wasted shouting at 10 year old punks that destroyed both my pride and self respect on a regular basis. That all changed last year with the release of MW3. It was a horrible ,horrible game that spat in my face and called me a fat bitch. But like most fat bitches I kept going back to my abusive partner with hope that he's change. The one day I had a moment of clarity and threw that motherfucker out ,swearing I'd never allow him back in my house...and I didn't...until...last weekend.

Steam were doing a free weekend on Black Ops 2, so I decided to jump on and see if I was justified in not following my old routine. Needless to say ,I'm glad I didn't waste a penny on this joke of a game. Between hackers, lag and lag comp, shit graphics and even worse game play , I found the game next to unplayable. I had problems getting games, regular disconnections and getting placed in lobbies where every ones ping was all over the place. Beyond that ,the community were the usual meathead ,fuckwad pubeless cunts out to destroy every one elses enjoyment.

I lost count of how many times I died

It really is beyond me why any one would play this game at all at this stage. There are far better games out there , that actually work. It feel like Activision know that the fan base are stuck in the abusive relationship and they can throw out any shit and the usual people will eat it up.Even though it tastes like shit and looks like shit , the fans will convince themselves that thing will improve. Meanwhile for every tear you shed and blood vessel you pop, the evil lords of Activison are sitting on their thrones of aborted babies, wanking in your tears and shitting on your dreams.They couldn't give a flying fuck about the fans let alone consumers. Send a message to them and stop playing this shit and stop supporting developers that are too keen to take your(parents / suger daddys) hard earned money. Until people stop buying games from the likes of these people, companies will continue to take advantage of gamers good will and only get more stuck in the belief that they can profit on any shit.

Quick Review:Dead Space 3

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Sat, 16 Feb 2013 23:18:00 +0000

Destroy The Porn

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 12:20:00 +0000

Don't know if any one has played this yet but its a great little game. The story is you die and go to hell, but the devil gives you a chance to return to earth for one minute to destroy all your porn before your mother finds it.

It's very short (about 10mins to play)and free but shows alot of promise and is fairly funny.Wanted more after playing it .Really hope the guys behind it develop it into a full game.

Similar to Super Meatboy but a few twists really elevate it,like getting a shotgun.

You can download it on the developers site http://www.drunkdevs.com/games/2013/2/10/destroy-the-porn.html

Dead Space:The story so far

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 14:25:00 +0000

So, I recently picked up Dead Space 3 and to my shock and horror, I totally forgot what had happened in the previous two games. Luckily for me there's a small video at the start to catch you up on the plot.

For anyone who hasn't played the first two and might be interested in the story so far here's a short video detailing it.

Over the next day or so I'll have another quick review of it up.

Spoiler

Omerta:City of Gangsters Quick Review

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Wed, 06 Feb 2013 19:06:00 +0000

A NoobZ Adventures in The DayZ

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 00:17:00 +0000

So I Started doing some gaming videos from my perspective, i.e. a useless gamer. Here's the first in my series of DayZ related videos featuring my adventures and ultimately my horrible untimely death at the hands of mindless zombie.

DayZ Namalsk

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Sat, 12 Jan 2013 20:35:00 +0000

I have started messing around abit with editing software and game capture devices. Currently I'm playing a bit of The Day Z on one of the harder maps,Namalsk. The normal Day Z maps are based around survival from zombies and other players and the conditions aren't too tough. Namalsk is a bit different. Normal materials like food and water are harder to come by and because of the freezing temperature ,you have to constantly worry about freezing to death.None of this really matters to me cause I usually spawn near a different type of invisible monster called a Bloodsucker and die within a fre minutes , as can bee seen in the below video. It's my first upload and am in the process of learning how to edit and get the quality better , so hopefully future uploads will be better.

Quick Review: The First Power

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 23:20:00 +0000

Star Rating : ★★★★☆

Time for a bit of good old cheese from the 90's starring old nacho man himself, Lou Diamond Philliphs. I remember seeing this when it came out on video and thinking it was the best movie I had seen since Robo Jox.

The plot (if you can call it that) revolves around the Mayor from Sons of Anarchy running around killing people for his pal,Satan. Lou Diamond Nachoman or Hero Cop as he calls himself, decides enough is enough and captures the bad man. As this is the 90's ,Satan's friend gets the death penalty fairly quick.Unfortunately for Hero Cop ,this is not the end and Satan's buddy comes back as a spooky spirit with the ability to jump realllllly high and possess homeless people. Hero Cop enrols the help of a "Professional Psychic" and much hilarity ensues.

Reasons to See this Movie

Surprisingly good action set pieces.
Lou Diamond Philliphs gets stabbed a few times.
Satan will owe you one for watching his favourite movie of all time.
Lots of jumping.
Culturally insensitive to any one not a white American.
Unintentionally hilarious and makes little to no sense,unless you were the script writer or one of Satan's buddies.

Reasons Not To See this Movie

It could be a massive scam by the devil to possess you through the TV.
Lou Diamond Philliphs doesn't get stabbed enough.
You're deathly afraid of nuns talking through doors.
You don't like people jumping through windows instead of using doors.

Should I see This Movie?

Yes....yes you should.It's a great bit of cheese from the 90's that takes its self very seriously but ends up being very very funny. The acting isn't too bad and some of the chase scenes are worth a watch.The plot is silly and the tacked on ending is one of the funniest things I've seen in years.

So if you're exhausted from beating your wife or the insects crawling under your skin are getting too familiar, grab a beer, sit down and watch a movie that will have absolutely little to no effect on your life and who knows,you might make friends with Satan.

Quick Reviews: Resident Evil:Retribution.

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Mon, 17 Sep 2012 17:13:00 +0000

Star Rating : ★★★★☆

Another instalment in the derided franchise arrives in cinemas this week.I personally feel that critics are far too harsh on the series as a whole.The movies are made for the fan boys and not as serious contenders for the Oscars. If you didn't like the rest of the movies, you really won't like this one, so stop reading now.

The movie takes off directly from the previous instalment and gives you a bit of a recap of the series.Then,no messing around, straight into the action. The plot follows Alice's (Milla Jovovich) attempt to escape and fight her way through an underground facility filled with mutated zombies and clones. And that's pretty much the whole movie.

Reasons to See this Movie

Some of the action sequences could easily rival any in The Matrix.

The Special Effects and 3D are some of the best I've seen in a while.

If you like mutated zombie Communists,there's plenty of them.

The ending promises a very exciting sequel/end to the series of movies..think World War Z.

Reasons to Not See this Movie

Its a Resident Evil Movie.

The acting and plot are not Oscar grade material.

You are easily offended by the inclusion of mutated zombie Communists in movies.

Should I see This Movie?

Yes....yes you should. I liked the movie quiet a bit. It's a fun popcorn action movie that delivers exactly what it promises. I enjoyed it far more than the disappointing Expendables 2 . Its not the perfect movie, but its better than alot of the crap that passes as blockbusters these days. Embrace your inner 15 year old boy and leave the cynicism aside and you should enjoy it too.

4 out of 5 stars Reviewer:The Mind of Megatron - September 17, 2012

Most Mental Ninja Video Covers from 80's

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 19:28:00 +0000

Ah....the 1980's. A fantastic era where kids were educated by muscle bound, semi-naked, Masters of the Universe and got their kicks from watching transforming robots and gobots kick the shite out of each other. It was a time of being brainwashed into buying toys and making believe that you too could smash the shit out any karate wielding bullies, no matter how big or psychotically dangerous they were. It was also a time when the Ninja ruled video store shelves and Chuck Norris had taken his rightful place as the new Jesus. He even had his own cartoon, which blatantly promoted racial stereotypes and dyslexia (kommandos!). Of course, there was also the obligatory annoying foreign boy that was always getting into trouble (i.e. kidnapped, possibly sodomized and sold into slavery), but who ended up making the bunch of psychopaths laugh at the end of the adventure with a witty racist remark.

Chuck's Karate Kommandos are currently under investigation for child endangerment

King of the straight-to-video villains was the ninja. Ninjas were fucking every where in the 80's. In one of the most bizarre scientific experiments of the 80's they even managed to cross breed with turtles; but because of genius public relations by the Ninja Council in an attempt to disguise their evil plans, they were known as "heroes" in Europe.

I was in my pre-teen years in the 80's and, like most other kids in Ireland, I had parents that saw nothing wrong with letting their kids watch what ever they wanted. I SAW THE EVIL DEAD WHEN I WAS 3, FOR FUCKS SAKE. Now I couldn't possess people in a log cabin or turn to melted plasticine when I fucked a book on the fire, but I could throw a balaclava on, jump around like a knob and scale trees (badly). My poor parents probably thought I was practicing for the IRA's gymnastic team. The extremely lax weapon laws in Ireland in the 80's also meant that I could buy Ninja Stars and Nun-chucks from my local sports store. Our primary school's entrance door had so many ninja stars thrown at it, it looked like Wolverine tried to fuck it.

I could be a Ninja and I could get my training from the "5 videos for £5" section at my local video store, who also didn't give a shit about censorship guidelines on videos. I remember seeing I Spit on Your Grave and The Care Bears movie in the same viewing session and 4 year old me didn't have a fucking clue what was going on.

FATALITY: White Ninja wins by stabbing you in the balls while you fart-float in mid air.

For some reason, in the 80's most video producers really believed that "you can't judge a book by its cover" should apply to movies as well. This led to some of the most bizarre video covers I can remember seeing. An awful lot of them were Ninja movies. Horror movies stuck to making the covers look like the movie was far gorier and interesting than they actually were. The Ninja Video cover on the other hand...well...they were a law unto themselves.

Check out some of the most mental ones below.

WHITE PHANTOM

How good a ninja can he really be, if he can't spot a fucking giant paraplegic gimp with smoke pissing out his ass floating above him. Not sure how good a choice a white ninja suit is either; bar the obvious sticking out like a sore thumb every where he goes, it must be very difficult to get all the blood and shit-stains out of it. I also like the way the self named "Enemy of Darkness" is pissing about during the day in his mothers back garden.

AMERICAN NINJA

Poor Michael Dudikoff. Surely one of the best and hardest to understand autistic B movie stars from the 80's deserved better treatment than this. Some one, some where, obviously thought "nothing says 'watch this action movie' better than a misshapen retard head and giant fists floating in darkness...oh yeah, and throw the American flag behind it. Nothing says Ninja more than the American flag".

CLASH OF THE NINJA

Neither of them look like ninjas.The guy on the top is smoking weed and the freak on the bottom looks like he just remembered he didn't plug the iron out before leaving the house. Surely showing a bit of action couldn't hurt....but then again.

NINJA SILENT ASSASSIN

With so much awesomeness in one picture, where do you begin? Personally I like the guy sitting on the car humping the wheel of a passing motor bike. The tag line should read "Tough, Violent , Deadly, likes to wear yellow...but sadly unable to dodge bullets from badly drawn guns".

GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR

A little-seen film starring the now deceased Colonel Gaddafi on a dirt bike. Also famous for starring the only Siamese twins joined by the ankles.

NINJA COMMANDMENTS

I don't know if the guy surrounded by bikes is more scared of the giant floating yellow bastard with a sword, the guys on bikes with hair helmets, or the giant bird that's being chased through the streets by the fucking sun.

Red Ninja," Hey Frank, don't Ninjas normally wear black?"

Yellow Ninja," I Suppose they do Bob".

Red Ninja," Then how the fuck are people gonna know we're ninjas and not a bunch of mental cunts running around in funky Burkas?"

Yellow Ninja,"Simple, Frank. I'm gonna wear a bright red head band with NINJA on it".

Red Ninja,"What...."

NINJA 3:THE RETARDATION

There's not much scarier than a woman from the 80's with a bad hair cut on her period. Unless you realize that her shadow is a badly drawn shadow that, in defiance of all natural laws, can actually hold a sword too. Poor yellow-eyed ninja is hiding from her 'cause he forgot to pick up her nun-chuck tampons.

NINJA MASTERS OF DEATH

The perfect example of how to get what your movie's about into one picture. A giant freak whispers to his sword about what he's going to do to it when he gets home, while an unfortunate misunderstanding at the bonfire on the street gets out of control. The only way to resolve it is the age old duelling between 'enduro bike racer' and 'man in orange pyjamas'. Some day the city will burn in gayness once again.

NINJA STRIKE FORCE

If Gandhi or Michael Bay were to ever make a ninja film, I'm sure this would be the poster. A reanimated Charles Bronson pointing his gun in the face of a child off screen: check. A guy in orange overalls and a yellow tea towel tucked into his underpants holding a sword in a very impractical way: check.
Guy eating the chin of a chick with no legs: check. Oh and don't forget the fucking flaming car that was probably the script writer's inevitable suicide after we told him what we were turning his treatment of Raging Bull 2 into: err...check?

ENTER THE NINJA

Why in the tag after "Hired Assassins" are they so surprised that they kill humans? Surely that's why you hire an assassin in the first place. Either that, or you want to teach a life-lesson to the one-legged cunt of an interior designer that convinced you stars were the way to brighten up your black-walled ninja sex-dungeon.

MAFIA V'S NINJA

This promises "Kung Fu At its Best", but what I really want is to know how the guy with the claw wipes his ass? And what the fuck is wrong with pink Yi Ar Kung Fu boys' arms? Is he a thalidomide baby seeking revenge on the mafia guys that invested in the company that created the drug that turned him into a withered-arm freak? Also, why is there so much ball-punching going on it all these posters and what the fuck is McGuyver doing with - what looks like - a blue crab?

THE NINJA MISSION

"Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to silently infiltrate the city and kill the President...."
"But Sarg, there may be a problem".
"What's that Ramirez?"
"He's 60 foot tall and we're not sure if he's a ninja or a pissed-off Muslim woman with a sword".
"That might be a problem alright......"

NINJA SQUAD

Black Ninja enjoyed nothing more than sneaking up behind Pink Ninja and giving him the tickles....that was, until that fateful day last November, when Pink Ninja eviscerated Black Ninja during one of his many pranks. Now Pink Ninja poses in front of his mirror alone and ponders "Why am I Pink Ninja?"....and through the ether of the unknowable, a whispered reply is heard: "Cause you're a faggot".

NINJA THE KUNG-FU EMPEROR

The Terror Of Cold Steel is nothing compared to the terror of being covered in flaming needles by some sadistic fuck at the Ninja Halloween Party.

THE POWER OF NINJITSU

I imagine the meeting discussing the poster design went something like this:

"Hey Bob , you still have that retard kid with no arms that likes fucking about with crayons and who's never seen an actual human being to base his twisted knowledge of the human anatomy on?"

"Yes.....but we don't like to call him a retard....and my name is Mary, not Bob."

"That's fantastic Mike. Get his dribbling fucktard ass down here. I got a bunch of crayons I found on a dead kid in my sex dungeon, and I have this movie that needs a poster yesterday."

THE ULTIMATE NINJA

The Ultimate Ninja - or " faggot" as he's called by his parents - is so goddamned ultimate, he doesn't even slightly resemble what most people would consider to be a ninja. Not only that, but he can stand in FUCKING FIRE...wow ...how cool is that? I'm fairly sure that "A Fight For Ninja Supremacy" was supposed to be "White Supremacy". Poor Ultimate Ninja just screams of "Nazi war criminal found training retarded kids in coloured pyjamas". When questioned about why he was standing in a flaming pit of fear and evil, he replied "Sorry, can't answer now. I have a very important knitting needle to stare at".

NINJA IN THE USA

The thrilling sequel to "Ninja and the Toilet".

Someone stole a wicker laundry basket from a pixelated blocky freak from Tekken on the Playstation 1. If that wasn't enough, they turned it into a scary cool Ninja outfit for Halloween. Tekken guy is fucked if he's gonna allow such blatant cockery go unpunished. Dressed in his best Magnum P.I. outfit, and a cowboy hat he robbed off a gay couple's adopted child, he prowls the darkness...seeking vengeance.

Read The New Dredd 3D Movie Prologue Comic for Free

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 11:06:00 +0000

With the new Dredd 3D movie just around the corner ,Lionsgate have released a free comic detailing the history of the "Big Bad" from the movie,Ma Ma.You can find the print version and the motion comic version below. Its only 16 pages long but nicely lays down the characters troubled history and gives a nice little insight into the films version of Mega City. Really looking forward to this version of the movie.Its being getting very positive pre-views so far and hopefully it will finally do the character the justice he deserves.

Dredd 3D is in cinemas 21st of September.Will have a review up soon.

DREDD MA MA

V/H/S Review

noreply@blogger.com (Kro) — Sun, 19 Aug 2012 21:37:00 +0000

A POV, found footage horror film from the perspective of America's top genre filmmakers. A group of misfits are hired by an unknown third party to burglarize a desolate house in the countryside and acquire a rare tape. Upon searching the house, the guys are confronted with a dead body, a hub of old televisions and an endless supply of cryptic footage, each video stranger than the last.

It's really hard to give a decent break down of this movie with out spoiling the plots of each section.....so I won't.

In my humble opinion ,V/H/S is worth a watch, but don't expect to walk away as if you've seen the best horror you've ever seen.I enjoyed the first and last set of stories but the other 3, and the over arching story are just plain boring and not in the least bit scary. Considering the young talent involved , I was expecting alot more.Especially from Ti West. I'm a massive fan of House of the Devil and The Innkeepers,but his contribution to V/H/S is the weakest of the 5 and doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the segments.

Credit has to be given to all involved for trying to do something different with the found footage genre but unfortunately it falls flat. I personally didn't find any of the stories even remotely scary , nor was I shocked by any of the supposed twists that you could see coming a mile off.That's not to say that others won't.If you're easily scared and don't usually watch horror, some of the segments will probably scare the shit out of you. But if like me, you're a horror veteran, nothing in the 90 mins of this will even remotely scare or surprise you.

All in all, its worth a watch but its just not that good. Its not the kind of movie you'll remember in a years time nor will it appear on any top 5 lists.Neither is it the worst thing you'll ever see. So if you're really bored and have watched every thing else you can lay your hands on and masturbation isn't an option, there's worse things you could do than waste 90 minutes of your life watching it.