Living with Evil, Learning How 2 Trust Again

"Being That Your a Woman....."

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 00:47:00 +0000

Apparently, being a woman scorned, I'm expected to behave a certain way....regardless of my previous actions. I'm not perfect but, I am loyal, honest and generous with my time and energy.

Now, "being that I'm a woman" I'm expected to be vindictive and selfish. Something I've never been before. I think those labels should be directed somewhere else.

I think that my behavior is perfectly justified given the circumstances. I don't understand how putting myself first and protecting my own interest makes me untrustworthy.

Thankfully, the people who know me, know that they need not question MY character.

Summertime, Baseball, BBQ's and Roasting Weiners

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 03:14:00 +0000

Another indiscretion, public humiliation and loose women crawling out from under their rocks. More material for comics and writers.

I haven't really been reading the "news" articles about Mr. Weiner because, they are simply full of the same "blah, blah, blah." I've been going straight to the comments and, I gotta say that a lot of you people out there in the webiverse are darn funny..... but then, it is an easy setup.

Let's face it, this kind of behavior is not going to end with this guy. He is simply another in the never ending list of men whose egos are so large and self images are so low that they can't seem to keep it private. And, do they really think that these women they cavort with aren't going to take whatever opportunity they can to cash in on being "_________" ? You can fill in the blank.

Ironically, I'm in favor of backing off. Let the man get whatever help he needs so he can get back to the important job our tax dollars are paying for.

Instead, maybe we should use this as a teaching opportunity. Let's talk to our sons and daughters about respecting themselves as well as others. Remind them that if they put it out on the airwaves, it will NEVER remain private. Admit to them that even people who seem to have it all make mistakes.

"People in glass houses....." right?

Freedom

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 20:37:00 +0000

On July 4, 1776, fifty-six delegates of the Continental Congress ratified the Declaration of Independence, declaring our intention to become free states separate from the rule of the British Empire.

I got my independence on June 11, 2011.

Growing up in the United States, I believe that many of us take our freedom for granted. Most of us wake up in the morning at the time we choose to wake. We go to the kitchen and choose what to eat and when to eat it. We go to the jobs of our choice, talk on the phone without time limits and travel freely. As of January 1, 2010, 1,612,171 men and women in Federal and State prisons did not have these freedoms. In May of that year, I became one of them.

For five months, I was told when to wake and sleep, what to eat, what to wear and where to go work for 12 cents per hour. My calls were subject to approval and limited to 15 minutes. I rarely got out of bed in the middle of the night to use the bathroom out of fear of interrupting count time and being punished by having what little contact I had with the outside world be taken from me. During five more months on house arrest, I was limited in my travel, had to call my PO if I wanted to pick up extra shifts at work and was completely stressed if I knew I was going to be even one minute late getting home at my federally approved curfew.

Never again will I say that I'm having a bad day because, I lived with 300 women who have bad days everyday for years.

The end of my 10 month sentence was celebrated this weekend with many good friends. It was a long and wonderful day. As tired as I was, I stayed out until 5 am strictly because I could.

Now I live in a different prison. It's a prison created in my mind, because I am still having a hard time putting 11 years behind me. No matter where I go, or who I'm with, I still think of him. I can't escape the memories I have and the pain that comes with them.

I've lost my career, my freedom and the man I wanted to spend my life with. I've had many labels in my lifetime: daughter, sister, aunt, friend, girlfriend and teacher. Now I add a new label: FELON.

So what do I do now? The only thing I can do.... take each day as it comes and rebuild my life. As an inmate, my choices were limited, but not anymore.

The next time you have a "bad day", consider this: Most of you don't live with 300 people who share 20 toilets and showers. You went into your closet and had a multitude of colors to choose from. You most likely didn't wait in line for 45 minutes to have a Chef's salad for dinner (only served once every 5 weeks). You talked on the phone without a friendly recorded message reminding you that the call was being made by an inmate in a Federal prison. You smoked your cigarette or drank your beer on the comfort of a couch. Your coffee actually tasted GOOD. You hugged your children, kissed your significant other and maybe took a parent out to lunch. You had the freedom to make choices.

So really..... how was your day?

It's a Blessing... and a Curse

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 14:17:00 +0000

Finally!.... Back with a computer on my lap. I can't believe I survived without it, because blogging is SO not easy on a smartphone. Technology is a wonderful thing, but for every good there is an evil.

The demise of my relationship was "enhanced" by technology, from the "cheating via texting" to his new "relationship" being outed to me on Facebook. It's ironic that I consider using technology to find my next boyfriend.

I met Wyatt the old fashioned way.... drunk at a bar. The idea of meeting someone online seems so strange to me. Similar to video dating in the 70's and chatrooms in the 80's, it all really seems like catalog shopping for a mate, very anonymous and cold.

Online dating, though, does have its advantages. It certainly makes being shallow much easier. Those with experience will tell you that "success" in online dating is dependent on how well your profile is written. Now, I could tell you some tips on how to make a profile interesting and dynamic, but I think I'd rather share a short list of things that will cause me to pass right over someone. This list may come off as shallow and overly picky, but considering what I've just been through, I'm going to just go with it and call it "cautious."

1. Your profile pic: Make sure I can see your face and for goodness sake KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! (Do I really have to elaborate here?)
2. Don't use LOL and OMG. Leave the acronyms to Facebook. I'm not interested in dating a 12 year old girl.
3. Take the time to use correct spelling and grammar. I've seen better writing from my 5th graders.
4. If you're going to go on about all of the wonderful activities you participate in and traveling that you love to do, you might want to also mention the job that you have that helps pay for it all. (Sorry, that comes from my experience living in a resort town.)
5. Don't pull a Billy Ray Cyrus with inappropriate pictures of you and your teenage daughter. (ewwww)

In addition, I'll pass over anyone who smokes, drinks more than socially, marks everything with "I'll Tell You Later," quotes bible verses, or for ANY use of the word "sexy". I'm sure that I'm passing over a couple of nice guys using this process, but I'm willing to take my chances.

In reality, I still don't feel ready to buy anything from the "boyfriend catalog", but I suppose that, in the meantime, I can do a little window shopping.

Miss Me Yet?

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Wed, 25 May 2011 17:12:00 +0000

Yardwork, spring cleaning, purging the closest of clothes too large for me (yay), a computer meltdown (boo). All things that have kept me from writing. Well, those things and the fact that I just haven't been inspired.

5 months after my world seemed to end, I'm still very hurt and angry. I've let go of the idea of Wyatt and I ever being friends. Friendship is what HE wants. Once again, thinking only of himself and not of me. He says that he always wants me in his life. He had that and he let it go. "Too bad, you blew it." Now he has someone else in his life and that is ok. They are two of a kind and deserve whatever "happiness" they create.

I, in the meantime, will continue doing what I need to to heal myself. I'm not ready for another relationship, but at least the idea of it doesn't make me ill anymore.

So, now for the next phase of this blog. I've lived with evil (and yes I do still define his actions as evil, maybe not intentional, but evil none the less). Now is the time to learn to trust again.

I look forward to making the most of this summer in my little mountain paradise. Hopefully, it will be inspirational.

NEXT TIME: "Dating in the New Millenium"

So What Else is New?

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Fri, 20 May 2011 04:27:00 +0000

So, here we go again. Another high profile couple brought down by lies and infidelity. My 80 year old mother called and asked me, "Why can't men keep their pants on?" I found it funny that she was actually shocked by the ex-governator's actions.

Cheating is nothing new that's for sure. Historically, taking a mistress has been perfectly acceptable and in many cultures still is. What seems to have changed are the way we have gone from despising "adulterers" to rewarding them. Hundreds of years ago "unlawful fornicators" faced public humiliation. Now what do we do? We give them media attention. Hester Prynne wore a scarlet letter .... Monica Lewinsky got a cameo on Saturday Night Live.

Will women come crawling out of the woodwork like they did with Tiger Woods? I'm sure many will come looking for their 15 minutes of fame, and unfortunately society will give it to them. Meanwhile, what about the family damaged by the selfish actions of two people (or more)? It's hard enough to deal with the consequences of infidelity as a civilian much less as someone who is constantly in the public eye.

I hope that the media gives the family the privacy they need and the public doesn't give attention to fame seeking floozies. Like pigs flying and hell freezing over.... it's highly unlikely.

What Are the Odds?

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Tue, 10 May 2011 01:54:00 +0000

In 1986, Newsweek published the article "The Marriage Crunch," basically stating that:

"White, college-educated women who failed to marry in their 20s faced abysmal odds of ever tying the knot.” ..... “According to the research, a woman who remained single at 30 had only a 20 percent chance of ever marrying. By 35, the probability dropped to 5 percent."....and the most infamous line, that a 40-year-old single woman was "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than to ever marry.

These statements were made following a formal study that claimed the likelihood of marriage for a never-previously-wed, 40 year old, university educated American woman was 2.6%. A statistic that would disquiet older single women for decades to come.

I believe that I am still unmarried by choice. When it comes to guys, I've made few good choices and a myriad of poor ones. Being a child of divorce, I haven't had many happy marriage role models, so I was never in a rush to tie the knot and start a family. Given my doubts about the institution of marriage, I figured that if it was meant to happen, it would. The topic has come up a few times in a few relationships, but talking about marriage is very different from considering it. As a result, I've spent my youth having fun, dating inappropriate guys and becoming comfortable with my life.

46, never-previously-wed, university educated, American woman..... 2.6%.

Even a woman who never planned to marry might be a little nervous right now, but I've done some research and it's not as bad as it seems.

Life is different in 2011. Forty is the new Thirty, haven't you heard? We live longer, so we choose to play longer. It's become more acceptable for women put off marriage in order to establish their careers. Attitudes of when or even if to get married have changed. According to the 2010 census, women and men are waiting longer to legally commit. Given these changes over the past decades, can we really determine odds?

I'm certainly not going to sweat it. I am no spinster or old maid. I still look decent in a pair of shorts. I'm just picky when it comes to getting married, and I know that I am not alone. There are a lot of never-previously-wed, 40 something men out there. Check any large dating website if you don't believe me.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/26/marriage-and-women-over-40/

I Think It Happened

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Sun, 08 May 2011 23:01:00 +0000

I haven't written much lately, but that is a good thing. The night before my birthday was very difficult, but it was beneficial, I was busy having a breakthrough. It was a moment of acceptance that is very difficult to describe. I forced myself to say aloud the truths about my relationship. I accepted my part in failure, and the things that were out of my control.

Disney has given women unrealistic expectations of what we expect in a relationship. We want our perfect man, who will do and say the perfect thing. We picture scenarios and create dialogues, and are truly disappointed when things don't happen the way we envisioned. Pornography has done the same thing to men.

I had to let go of my romantic comedy, John Hughes, Disney influences. I accepted that our relationship is not going to be different and he is not going to magically be my Prince Charming. I acknowledged that I was at fault for accepting less than what I deserved. My definition for this breakthrough... "I gave up hope."

What a sad idea that was to me, that giving up hope would be a good thing.

I Hear What You're Saying

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Thu, 05 May 2011 21:29:00 +0000

Some people have expressed their concerns over my and Wyatt's attempt to be friends, and most of their concern is for me. Trust me that I understand what you're saying and you're right, it is making it harder on me.

I don't know anyone who hasn't heard or said "We'll always be friends" at the end of a relationship. When we're young, we actually believe that can happen. Through trial and error, we discover that it just doesn't work that way. We eventually learn that the best thing is a clean break and a lot of time.

I'm sure he and I are not the first couple who would like to think that we are different. That regardless of all of the hard times, we had a special connection and we can actually survive this. Who knows?  Maybe we can..... but not without a clean break and a lot of time first.

Yes, I am emotional, fragile and vulnerable. I am also hurt, angry and untrusting. I was once told, "It's at times like this when you find out who your real friends are." In the last 5 months, my idea of what love and friendship really are has changed drastically. I've had to reevaluate and separate the "friends" and "friendlies,"  and with that I've debated which Wyatt would be (regardless of what anyone thinks he deserves). I believe that actions speak louder than words. His actions will determine how he fits in my life.

The bottom line is that I have a good idea of what is best for me. I know what has been helpful and what has not.  I've learned to keep my eyes open, and question things. Some may not see that as a positive, but at this moment it is for me.

Wyatt had this attitude of "If I can't fix it, I'll break it" that I didn't truly understand until now. This was a long relationship, and my journey will not be fast or painless.  I  accept that I can't fix it so, I am trying to break it... to break me, by trying to hurry along the inevitable breakdown.  Hoping that each breakdown is a breakthrough and that the last breakthrough was the last. It's what I need to do for me.

Thank you, but don't worry, I can handle it. I have a great support system.

The Special Days

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Mon, 02 May 2011 19:39:00 +0000

I expect days like today to be hard. Especially the firsts. The first birthday apart, the first anniversary, the first holiday. After 11 years, I am so used to making my plans with him, and I'm feeling a little lost today.

The best thing for me to do? Keep busy, keep my mind on other things, and distract myself as much as possible. Thank goodness for friends and family.

I can break down tomorrow.

Not as Easy as You'd Hope

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Sun, 01 May 2011 22:36:00 +0000

I've been thinking about my future... the about a year from now future. I 've had a plan bouncing around in my head for a week or so, a plan for an adventure, a 3-5 year plan. In this future, I am alone, taking care of myself and enjoying my independence.

I was discussing it with a friend last week. He loved the idea, but had to ask, "What happens if you meet someone?"

My first reaction?   "No way, won't happen. I don't want it."

Actually, I hadn't even considered the possibility.   I had thought that I was ready to envision the man of my dreams, but I hadn't included him in my near future.  Possibly, it was because this is for me and attatchments just don't fit into the equation, and/or it 's about the fear of investing time and emotion only to be hurt again. The incredibly STUPID truth is....(FYI, I rarely use that word).... I still love HIM. (THAT'S why I used that word.)

He's hurt and betrayed me, there's no denying it. He's lost my trust and my respect. Our good times are clouded by doubt. He's broken something that may never be repaired. Yet, he still has my love and compassion?   What is wrong with me? Oh, how easy life would be if we could control our feelings with a simple switch, to be able to turn love off and just walk away. I want to just say, "OK, enough caring about him today.... move along!" Actually, I do say that sometimes, it just hasn't worked out for me yet.

Yes, yes.... time.... blah blah.... eventually.... blah blah..... someday..... blah.

Right now.... it's easier to be a cynic.

Feeling Pretty Darn Good

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 22:25:00 +0000

I've got to say that I'm backing meds. It's been a great week. The purging has only just begun. Lost items have been found, things have been repaired and I've even managed to take down the last of the Christmas decorations. I've cried once or twice, but nothing close to the way I was last week. It feels good to get back to living life.

I've never been much of a pill person, for illness or recreation. I fight through pain, forget to take my vitamins, and usually skip a day when I'm taking antibiotics. As far as anti-depressants go, I'll have to admit that the warnings on those commercials make me a little nervous. At some point though, I had to accept that things couldn't continue the way they were. I gave in and asked for help... and I'm ok with that.

Let's Face It

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 06:37:00 +0000

A few months ago, I bought a blu-ray player. It didn't take long for it to start malfunctioning and typically, I didn't take it back until now. Of course, I was a little irked that it had to be sent back for repairs and would take 2-4 weeks. I shuddered at the thought of having to go without Netflix streaming in my comfy and safe bedroom. I took a deep breath, considered my options and decided that I would move the Wii from the living room.   My poor dusty Wii, a virtual stranger to me after 2 years of ownership. It was my 9 year old niece who showed me how to upload pictures to it.

And, I sit here now, installing and updating, adding new devices and browsing. Checking out the bells and whistles that I overlooked before.  I think that I may actually enjoy this better....  Maybe the "bad" thing that had irked me earlier was actually a good thing. Maybe I needed to get to know my Mii a little better.

I could say "Everything happens for a reason" or "God moves in mysterious ways",  that something good always from bad, or blame Karma or Fate....  Let's face it, life is made up of good and bad times, and that's just the way life is.  Eventually, depending on attitude or resilience or the strength of our meds, we recover and move on.

I don't think that I can say I recovered quite yet, but I think that I'm ready to start seeing the good.   Maybe I'm ready to get to know Me a little better.

A Better Day

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 17:32:00 +0000

Maybe it's the sunshine, maybe it's the little helpers that I got from Pharmacist... but, I feel hopeful today.

It's nice to be able to wake up and pop right out of bed. I can't remember the last time that happened. I feel like Snow White as I whistle while I work. This energy makes me want to be productive. Even the dog can feel it. She knows it's a dog park day.

This will be a good day to start on that list of projects to finish (written 7 months ago). The first project.... an ol' fashioned springtime cleaning. I can't think of a better time to purge my home of unnecessary things and lighten the load. It's finally time to paint the walls and rearrange the furniture. Ah, the power of spring.

I don't want to jinx anything , but let's be realistic. I know that it can all come crashing down on me. That's what depression does. The key is to take advantage of those great days and do as much as possible. That way I won't feel guilty for sitting on my butt for a week. Eventually, I'll have more productive days than butt sitting days.

Progress Report

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 21:50:00 +0000

It's been three months since the breakup and it's time to evaluate my progress.

Moments of sadness and anger still overwhelm me daily. There is still that pain in the center of my chest. Some days are getting easier than others. It's a slow improvement, but I'll take it.

The ex and I are trying to keep an open line of communication. We are still dealing with the business of separating, and trying to be supportive of each other emotionally. We are friendly, but nothing close to being friends.

On the brighter side....I've changed my diet and have managed loose 8 pounds. Yay me!   Can't say that I've been getting much exercise though. The bowflex remains a coat rack, and I couldn't even begin to figure out where my running shoes are. I am feeling a little more energetic each day, just in time for summer. I'm looking forward to warm days on the boat and hikes with the dog.

I haven't gone back to trying meditation yet. For some reason, I feel like I should already be in a peaceful state when I begin. It's like straightening up the house before the cleaning lady gets there. I needed time to vent, and release the pent up negative energy that was eating at me. I still have a lot of emotion that needs to be released. I need to cleanse my soul.

As far as a social life... I'm not ready. My walls are too high, and I've lost faith in people.  I go out with friends and hang with the roommates, but being around people is   hard. I find myself craving isolation.

I still need to work on my obsession that everything has to happen right now. Time....... "Time will tell", "Time heals all wounds", "Time is our friend."  It's time for me to take some deep breaths and keep myself occupied. One day I'll wake up refreshed and energetic. I'll hum happy songs and laugh easily. I won't see it coming, it just will.

One day I'll wake up and realize that I'm happy.

Passion or Friendship?

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 00:08:00 +0000

I've seen relationships start with a fling, and I've known couples who started out as friends. Passion and friendship can either start a relationship or develop within it.  If the balance is right love can grow. Both are aspects of a lasting relationship, but when it comes down to importance, does one win out over the other?

Passion is the factor that separates lovers from friends.  Passion can rise and recede during the span of a relationship. It can be nurtured and grow with trust and respect. Passion makes us feel loved, important and desired, but it it's not what holds a relationship together.

Most of hours of the day are not spent being passionate. Couples deal with the everyday things that come with life, like finances, family, and work. We need to support and entertain each other. We look for a partner and confidant... a friend. Friendships grow and change overtime just as much as passion does. Views change and friends disagree. The luckiest of us are able to work through our problems and grow together.

There will be times when it's more important to be a lover or be a friend. In the end though, when I'm 85 and in the retirement home, it will be my friend holding my hand.  He will be the man who's company I enjoy most. We will understand each other better than we understand ourselves. We will have built a life together. Physical passion will fade away, but my friend will always be there.

The Importance of Pets

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 20:10:00 +0000

I love the feeling of soft fur curled up next to me, or a cold nose nudging me awake in the morning. Growing up, we always had cats. I remember that when I was the saddest, my brother's cat would come to cuddle with me, rubbing and purring more than ever. My mom said that animals are instinctual, they know when you need them most.

These days, I have two cats and a dog. One cat, who lived in the laundry room for the better part of three years, has barely left my bed since February. The other slept under the covers with me for three weeks straight. My dog has taken to escaping through the broken fence, only to go around to the front door and bark. This act forces me to get out of bed to let her in. She will do this continually, until I give up and stay in the living room. They know what I need better than most humans. They know when to cuddle up with me and when to take me for a walk.

How is it that animals are so sensitive? They can feel the shift of the earth prior to a quake, sense the change of tone in a voice, the change of the mood in a room. How do they know that tears are a sign of pain? What is it about them that makes their mere presence so consoling?

It's Time to Start Being Selfish

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 18:33:00 +0000

I will often put others first, I have a generous soul. I've been burned a lot because of it, too. It's not that I'm an easy target for scams, actually I am very skeptical of strangers. I tend to be taken advantage of by people close to me. These days, it doesn't take much to lose my trust, and it's become very easy to cut some people out of my life.

It's time that I start putting myself first for once. It's been such a long time and I've forgotten how to do that. Where do I start? It's about so much more than taking a personal day every week. I need to take a personal inventory... evaluate some relationships. I need to surround myself, protect myself, with the trusted few.

Cleaning out the friend closet won't be hard. My standards are pretty high.... Don't lie to me. If someone has to lie to me to save face or to hide something, then we really aren't friends are we? I don't think that's unfair or too much to expect. In the past, I was too trusting and couldn't see the lies. Now I question everything. It's amazing what lies you hear when your head is clear and eyes are open.

My ability to trust the people close to me is the first step in looking out for number one. No more wasted time listening to stories, excuses and lies.

Have Faith in Yourself

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 01:22:00 +0000

People don't change really. Jealousy doesn't go away with the next relationship; people who play childish games rarely grow up; poor choices are made over and over again. Some who trust too easily may be shy at first, after getting burned, but will most likely go back to being too trusting again. How sad is it that something as beautiful as trust can also be considered a hazardous trait?

"An eye for an eye" and "turn the other cheek," I've always loved that these two opposing viewpoints come from the same book. I'm a Buddhist though and believe in Karma... What goes around comes around... You get what you give. "So, if your such a good person, why are all of these bad things happening to you," you may ask? Because, 1. I am not perfect, b. Bad things happen to good people, and ..... Good people overcome hardship.

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
- Anonymous

It's about character....

This Might Actually Work

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 22:42:00 +0000

Finally.... a real reason to stay in bed all day. I've been taken down by a bug. It was bound to happen with all of the stress and emotional upheaval. I wasn't really going out of my way to take care of myself either. The timing couldn't be better though.... I had just started a cleanse.

The first few days of living on steamed vegetables and lean proteins was difficult due to the temptation of fried food and sushi rolls at work and my roommates' affinities for junk food and cheese. So, I drank my 84 oz. of water, filled up on salad at work and avoided the kitchen at home. Getting sick has actually been beneficial.

Having a cough is a great excuse for not eating dairy. With my lack of energy, I'm not too inspired to do a lot of cooking, thus making it easier to stick to nuts, soup, carrots and avocados. I'm not getting much exercise though, and I'm not sure if it's true that you burn more calories when you're sick. Something must be working .... I've lost six pounds. This cleanse is supposed to last for 3 weeks. I'm not sure that I can stay sick that long.

The Accidental Writer

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 00:58:00 +0000

Believe it or not, I wasn't much for keeping a journal when I was growing up. I was always more of a situational writer ~ high school poetry attempts, college essays, letters and postcards, a travel journal from my trip to Europe. They don't say too much, but they bring back memories. I read them and I think of the music, the clothes, the people. I remember the small events that individually mean little but as a whole make up my life.

Blogging has been a new experience for me. It's been a valuable place to rant, question.... opine. It has been great therapy. Sometimes though, my inspiration to write comes from a place that is far too personal to be discussed here. Lately, my "postings" have been to my private journal.

My private journal is my safe place. The flood of emotion that goes into it is liberating. I can express my fears and dreams without fear of being judged. I can vent and be cruel and forgive myself for it. There, I can be honest with myself regardless of how much it hurts. My journal is the only person I can completely trust right now. My journal is me.

What If......

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 21:31:00 +0000

If it were a matter of life or death, could you kill someone? How would you react if your partner confessed to cheating? If you found out that your child had committed a crime, could you turn him/her in?

Why do we even bothering to ask these hypothetical questions? Are we in a debate over the ethics of society? Are we going through our own moral checklist? ("Sure in self defense"- check..." Adultery bad"- check.... "It would depend on the crime"-check) Or, are we simply trying to warn others of potential danger? ("Yes son, I'd turn you in in a split second, so just don't do it!")

We would like to think that we would know how we'd react. We often backup our answers with lessons from a spiritual upbringing. We believe in karma or "an eye for an eye." The books we read, places of worship we attend and the lessons taught to us by our parents and teachers all affect what choices we would make. Then, the debates begin, more what-ifs, and we begin to question ourselves.

Those annoying what-ifs. Those annoying variables that are rarely considered, but sometimes can have an impact on a situation. Kids are excellent at them, just do a "Man with Gun on Campus" drill at an elementary school. Usually around the "What if I have to fart and the gunman smells it" question, a teacher says, "Don't worry about the what-ifs. There are just some things you can't prepare for."

We can debate morality and hypothesize over the variables. We can borrow from the experiences of others and feel confident in what we would do or say. Prepare all we can, the truth is: We will never really know how we will respond to a given situation until we experience it.

"My Life" The Soundtrack

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 20:26:00 +0000

Some people (me) go through life with the radio on but not really listening to the music. Isn't strange that whenever we experience a time of emotional upheaval, we seem to be more aware of the lyrics, which always seem be perfectly express what we are going through?

My soundtrack started with songs about repairing a struggling relationship. Then, some Alanis Morrisette kicked in with songs of betrayal. Every other track has some sort of phoenix rising from the ashes theme. Every now and then there is a song that gives false hope. Some songs give me strength and other have me breaking down into tears.

I would give anything to be back in the days when my life had a John Hughes movie soundtrack. Is it too much to still hope for my "16 Candles" ending, sitting on the dining room table with my Jake Ryan, kissing over a candle?

"It's Not Easy Not Easy Being Green" - Kermit the Frog

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 21:13:00 +0000

It's time to get serious about my health. I'm giving myself 9 weeks to lose 30 pounds. That's 3 pounds per week. The experts say that 1-2 pounds per week is more realistic, but I'm figuring that if I work extra workouts in, I can at least come close. Experts also say that the key to weight loss is 10% genetics, 10% exercise, and 80% diet. I have the motivation to do this. I'm not getting any younger or thinner.

As I'm writing out my grocery list, I'm keeping in mind of which things I need to buy organic, what is local and in season, which animals have been treated humanely and what is chemical free. Then I start to obsess.

I've always considered myself "environmentally conscientious." My family has always recycled and conserved water. I've been using canvas bags since 1984. But being "green" is about so much more these days. It's buying organic and local, eating clean, calculating your carbon footprint, supporting the local merchants and using sustainable materials. We are encouraged to boycott greedy corporations with unfair labor practices, protest against bad political policies, support our troops, and support our local girl scouts (part of the reason I need to drop 30 pounds). Save the dolphins, worry about global warming, leave as little impact on the Earth as possible.

There is a lot that goes into being "environmentally conscientious" these days. Can I really do it all? If you've seen the documentary "No Impact Man," you know that yes, you can, but it's not always easy or comfortable and definitely not convenient.

We'd like to say that we can do it all, but can we really? And, do we really want to? It's got to be about balance. About doing what is realistic in our lives at the time. I was taught that if 100 people recycle one can per day every day of the year, that's 36,500 cans recycled per year. That I can make a difference even with the smallest change.

So, I need to practice making small changes over time, and to know that with each change, I reduce my impact on the earth.

I need to apply this to my personal life and stop being obsessed with wanting it all to happen immediately. To know that with every small change, I grow just a little stronger in body, mind and spirit.

Trust Me

noreply@blogger.com (WaterBear) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 20:51:00 +0000

Have you ever noticed that the people who say "trust me" are usually the same people who have already proven that they can't be trusted?

You would think that trust could be easily categorized. For example, "I trust you to watch my house when I'm out of town, but I know you will lie to me about anything, if it means that you are covering your own ass", or "I can trust you to drive my car, but I can't trust you to not take the money out of the ashtray."

I've come to realize that when trust is lost with me, it's across the board. Once I've learned that you betrayed my trust EVERYTHING is under question...... That really sucks.

Now, I understand what my mom said to me as a kid when she caught me in my first serious deception."Once you've lost my trust, you will have to work to get it back, and it will take a long time before I can trust you again."

Trust has to be proven everyday. It goes beyond lies and deception. It's about follow through and reliability. It is like a fragile crystal vase. It's easily shattered and often impossible to repair. If it's worth repairing, you have to put effort and time into it. It requires careful handling and a lot of patience.

And, if what you are repairing is REALLY that important.....you have to accept the fact that it may never be as strong as it was before.