My Past.

God I'm shit at this - [News]

2011-08-10T21:06:00.001+01:00

With me being on holiday and so much other stuff going on, I haven't really had the time to make an update. I will do soon though, I promise.

More bad news - [News]

2011-05-08T21:09:00.002+01:00

I have far more work than I anticipated, and it doesn't look I will be updating this for the next month or two. Only about 50 people have visited this blog EVER, so it's not like anyone is going to be disappointed.

Part 2 - [Past]

2011-05-08T21:05:00.003+01:00

Now, things I knew at this point, but didn’t really think about were the following:

1.Parents had split up, and her mum was in debt. To this day, I don’t know how much, but it was less than £10,000.

2.She did not get on with her mum very well at all.

3.Her mum did not know she had had a boyfriend. Her dad did however, and those two seemed to get along better. And the same was true about her virginity.

4.On the subject of sex, I knew she already had two sexual partners (gosh I sound old). She was 18 at this point. By the time she was 19, that had increased to 4. I’m not passing judgement, I am merely stating the facts.

So on her birthday, in the evening, we spoke for hours on MSN (yea, MSN). Then I noticed her status message change to something like “and it’s my birthday and you still don’t say anything”. So obviously, I realise that this could be my opportunity right? I ask about it, and after she initially said no, a second ask resulted in her telling me. Her ex(!) hadn't wished her happy birthday. Turns out they broke up about two months prior, but being the social hermit I am, I didn’t know. Obviously I was quietly excited knowing she was single now, so immediately plans on trying to build a decent relationship began in my mind.

As I still hardly knew her (even though I’d known she existed for about a years now) the next two weeks were spent trying to build up a friendship.

Also, I don’t think I made it too clear, but that £20 I gave her is the only money I ever spent/gave to her. I lent her some money every now and then, but it’s worth mentioning that she would always make a point of paying it back.

Apologies once again - [News]

2011-05-02T21:34:00.002+01:00

I've had a massive influx of work recently and it looks like I'll have to start updating this whenever I get a chance, as opposed to sticking to an update every 3 days.

Why Bother? - [Present]

2011-04-27T16:16:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I think I’ve spent too long being a “nice guy”. You know, the type of guy that holds doors open, helps you pick stuff up when you drop stuff and is generally all round nice. It doesn’t seem to be doing me any good. At first I thought people noticed, but I’ve come to realise that they don’t notice; and nor do they care.

I’m sitting here typing this, when, it’s exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. I should be working, but I can’t concentrate. There just seems to be this constant feeling that it’s wrong. That’s its wrong to be nice. I mean, it just seems to be wasting my time. I’m not gaining anything from it. In fact, if anything, the past few days, I’ve noticed it actually seems to be having negative effects. I seem to be becoming alienated, although that does feel like an awfully strong word to use. It just seems like a massive waste of time. I don’t seem to be gaining anything, but I do seem to be losing time. And a lot of it too. I help people with UCAS, ICT work, etc. and it’s only going to get worse with exams and student finance around the corner. I guess the next logical question is “Why bother?”.

And that is the right question to have. It’s something I’m starting to ask myself more often. And I can’t really think of a proper answer to that. I guess maybe it feels like the right thing to do. It’s human nature to help I guess (Although sometimes it feels better watching someone you don’t like suffer).

I had a look once again at the comic “How not to fail at life”. I find there tends to be a lot of truth in that comic, no matter how messed up it is. And although I’ve done all the steps at least once, I don’t seem to be any closer to being a better human being. Some would argue that it’s a method of seeking attention. I would disagree. It would just be nice to have some of my actions acknowledged for once. I’m fed up of going un-noticed. I could disappear for a few days and no-one would know.

Maybe I’m asking for too much. Is that the problem? I really don’t know anymore.

On a separate note, I’ve spent the whole day today being extremely close to being depressed. The fine line between normality and depression has been trampled on today, but as I haven’t has any suicidal thoughts yet, I’m not going to count it as a “breach” of my number of days since I was last depressed.

Publishing "Policy" - [News]

2011-04-26T21:56:00.001+01:00

Just a quick update, I'll try and update this every three days, and that should mean that today I update the blog, but I've had a lot of external pressure to meet deadlines. Therefore, there won't be an update today, but expect one either tomorrow or the day after.

The Beginning - [Past]

2011-04-23T08:53:00.001+01:00

So, today I’ve decided to start a separate blog/diary about my past. More specifically, the girl that helped form my opinions on women in the world and played with my emotions in the process. Expect updates whenever I get a free moment, or whenever I am quite intoxicated. Sometimes It’s easier to talk about my past that way.

NOTE:
Sometimes I will be purposely vague to help protect identities.

It started in Autumn 2009. I had a crush on a girl, and let me start out by saying, emotions make you do stupid things. Like really fucked up, stupid, things.

Now she was a popular girl, and therefore she had a number of attributes. As with all attributes, some were positive, and some were negative. She was well connected, had loads of friends, very attractive (well, that’s what I thought then); but at the same time, she was paranoid, extremely dependant on others, self conscious, as “smoker” (shisha user, managed to get her to quit though) and really affected my “image”. When I say image, it’s like she was the last person people expected me to hang around, and she was completely different to the rest of my friends. She did not fit in at all. And I’m not that fussed about my “image”, it’s just the first word that came to my head, and it almost certainly isn’t the best choice of words.

So as a first and somewhat ridiculous first move, on her birthday, one of the first days I ever spoke to her properly, I gave her £20 as a present. Probably one of the single most cringe-worthy things I’ve ever done. For some background info, we had hardly ever spoken at this point, like ever. In the week leading up to her birthday, we had spoken more, probably more than all of the previous events rolled into one.

What did we speak about? Good question. I don’t really know to be perfectly honest. I guess just current events, and I was really looking for a breakthrough, the opportunity where I could jump in and be her knight in shining armour. Because that's what society and media teaches you when your a kid right? Girls dig knights in shining armour.

Well, we’ll see how it works out, won’t we?

A few changes - [News]

2011-04-14T18:58:00.001+01:00

Plans have changes slightly, I think this blog will become more about my past than day-to-day events. As a result, I may not update it every day, but rather wait till I have a sizeable chunk of text.

The launch is still planned for the 23rd (9 days time).

Quick Update - [News]

2011-04-06T19:24:00.002+01:00

Just finalising a few things, estimated launch on 23/04/11

Test

2011-04-04T22:40:00.001+01:00

Blog will go live shortly.