Aha . . . Jokes

ZOOLOGY TEST

2020-01-07T06:19:00.000-08:00

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.
The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.
The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name?”
The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me buddy! You tell

Mickey Mouse

2020-01-07T05:44:00.000-08:00

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…” Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s fucking goofy!”

Expensive Birthday Present

2020-01-07T01:54:00.000-08:00

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Sitting High Up – Cheer Up

2020-01-06T05:48:00.000-08:00

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up!

Q n A Celebrities

2018-04-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

Q. How come Mike Tyson�s eye’s water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn’t, she eats out!
Q. Why can’t the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Q. What’s the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair….and O.J walked!
Q. What’s white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael’s latest release.
Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.
Q. What’s the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.
Q. How did Helen Keller’s mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

April Fools!

2018-04-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says “Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!”. Billy says, “Ok mommy.” and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams “MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!”, the mom answered, “I know – April Fools!”

Just Fishing -Cheer Up

2018-03-06T05:51:00.000-08:00

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
“Tsk Tsk!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, sir.”
“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?”

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”

Clinton Appeared

2018-03-06T05:42:00.000-08:00

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.” A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. “Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Clinton country!”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

Blonde Shampoo

2018-03-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who’s perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.”

To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”

Blonde Puzzle

2018-03-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.

The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.

Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”

One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ‘2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”

A Man Fill Job Application

2018-03-04T06:07:00.000-08:00

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.” “Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?” “It’s called the door!”

The Drawer

2018-03-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains “Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer.” She figures 3 times in 30 years isn’t bad and asks “But what about the $1,000?” He replied “Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them”

Moods of a Woman

2018-03-04T06:01:00.000-08:00

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She’ll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

Moods of a Man

Donkey Raffle -Cheer Up

2018-03-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”

“Well then, just give me my money back.”

“Cain’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

“OK then, just unload the donkey.”

“What ya gonna do with em.”

“I’m gonna raffle him off.”

“Ya cain’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”

“Didn’t no one complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back.”

I Want To Speak To My Lawyer

2018-03-04T05:53:00.000-08:00

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry but he died last week. ”
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week. ”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? ”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”

Funny College Kids Joke

2018-02-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

The Generosity Of College Kids

A couple college kids, Stan and Ryan, are riding to school on a Chicago subway train when a homeless man approaches and begs for spare change. Stan adamantly rejects the man in disgust while Ryan, on the other hand, pulls out his wallet and gives the man two dollars and wishes him the best.

The homeless man thanks Ryan kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Stan is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What the heck did you do that?” shouts Stan. “You know he’s probably only gonna use it for drugs or booze!”

Ryan replies, “And we weren’t?”

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR

2018-02-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG

2018-02-05T06:14:00.000-08:00

1.You know you’ve been out of college too long when…
Your potted plants stay alive.
2.You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
3.6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
4.You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
5.You carry an umbrella.
6.You watch the Weather Channel.
7.Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8.You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10.You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
11.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13.Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14.You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
15.Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
16.You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
17.Dinner and a movie – the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18.MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
19.You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20.A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
21.You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22.Grocery lists are longer than Macaroni & Cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Hos.
23.“I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
24.Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25.You don’t get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.

Stay Out Of The Dorms

2018-02-04T06:16:00.000-08:00

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired “How much for a season pass?”

Professor: College Jokes!

2018-02-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

Professor: I forgot to take my umbrella this morning.
Wife: When did you first miss it, dear?
Professor: When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped.

Two Old Ladies

2018-02-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, “I realize we’ve known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can’t bring it to mind… would you please tell me your name again, dear?” There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, “How soon do you need to know?”

Top Collection of New Years SMS

2018-02-01T13:17:00.000-08:00

New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make
your regular annual good resolutions.

Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
The new year begins in a snow-storm of white vows.
<- - - - - - - - - ->

For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

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We will open the book. Its pages are blank.
We are going to put words on them ourselves.
The book is called Opportunity and

its first chapter is New Year's Day.

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Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar,
took his last drink and swore his last oath.
Today, we are a pious and exemplary community.
Thirty days from now, we

shall have cast our reformation to the winds
and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings
considerably shorter than ever.
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People are so worried about what they eat between the New Year,
but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year
And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently
pass'dWere as harsh as a prejudiced jury -Still,

fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen.
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Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go,
for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.
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Each age has deemed the new-born year

The fittest time for festal cheer.
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Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw

on a bank where they have no account.
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Glory to God in highest heaven, Who unto man His Son hath given;

While angels sing with tender mirth, A glad new year to all the earth.
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A new oath holds pretty well; but... when it is become old,
and frayed out, and damaged by a dozen annual retryings of its remains,
it ceases to be serviceable;
any little strain will snap it.
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But can one still make resolutions when one is over forty?
I live according to twenty-year-old habits.
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I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on
New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve,
smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system.
Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea
as you can't eat rationally but really
need to be free to consume whatever is necessary,
moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover.
I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions
began generally on January the second.
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New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot.
Unless, of course,
those tests come back positive.
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We meet todayTo thank Thee for the era done,

And Thee for the opening one.
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One resolution I have made, and try always to keep,

is this: To rise above the little things.
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Of all sound of all bells... most solemn and touching is

the peal which rings out the Old Year.
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A happy New Year! Grant that IMay bring no tear to

any eyeWhen this New Year in time shall endLet it be said I've played the friend, Have lived and loved and labored here, And made of it a happy year.
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It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets.
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We spend January 1 walking through our lives,
room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done,
cracks to be patched. Maybe this year,
to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives...
not looking for flaws, but for potential.
EnglishMay all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
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Time has no divisions to mark its passage,
there is never a thunder-storm or blare of
trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year.
Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells

and fire off pistols.
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I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans

, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life,

is too much of a daily event for me.
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New Year's is a harmless annual institution,

of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for

promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
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Every man regards his own life as the New Year's Eve of time.
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REASONS FOR GOING TO SCHOOL

2018-01-26T07:52:00.000-08:00

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. “Wake up, It’s time to go to school!”
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

PROFESSOR’S DEFINITIONS OF A KISS

2018-01-26T07:48:00.000-08:00

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

A College Professor’s Wife

2018-01-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

A college professor’s going to bed with his wife.

He’s not that tired, so he’s gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep.

So he’s reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot.

“Kitza kitza,” she says. “Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?”

He says, “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”