Gifted Challenges™

When Gifted Children Don't Fit In: Five Tools for Parents and Teachers

2026-10-19T09:06:07.691-04:00

What you can do when heartbreak looms

It is heartbreaking to witness a child’s exclusion from peers.

And children who are cognitively gifted (typically identified by an IQ over 130) often feel ignored and even openly rejected by their same-age classmates.

As a clinical psychologist and parenting consultant, I frequently hear painful descriptions of rejection.

Gifted teens who feel like outliers. Parents feeling desperate to understand and best support their child. Adults who describe a painful childhood filled with bullying and haunting memories of isolation and exclusion.

Teachers, athletic coaches, and even camp counselors see this happening in real time.

And as a parent, you may have watched helplessly from the sidelines as other children easily connect on the playground, receive party invitations, and effortlessly attract friends. Your gifted child’s attempts to socialize are often declined — sometimes with evasiveness and other times with blatant rejection. You can’t play with us! You’re not invited!

How this starts

From an early age, gifted children recognize their differences.

They notice how quickly they grasp information compared to their same-age peers. They feel frustrated when other children don’t get their jokes or don’t understand the “rules” of a complicated game. They also feel the sting of rejection when excluded or teased. Some internalize the mocking comments lobbed toward them. Geek. Weirdo. Nerd. Or much worse…

And those who are twice-exceptional (with a co-existing condition such as ADHD, autism, or a learning disability) struggle even more.

What to do when your child or student doesn’t fit in?

Gifted children thrive when surrounded by like-minded peers where they can converse freely, share similar interests, engage in healthy competition, and no longer feel compelled to hide their talents.

Whether on the playground, at school, or on the soccer field, gifted children search for friends who truly “get them.” Their sense of isolation and “differentness” intensifies within most typical classroom settings where ability grouping — an option that might engender a sense of belonging and connection — is not considered.

How can you help your child or student find like-minded peers and navigate their social world while still remaining true to themselves?

What gifted children need

1. Understanding their giftedness

Your child or student already recognizes that they differ from their peers!

A clear, no-frills explanation of giftedness provides a context for what they already know to be true about themselves and conveys the facts without implying that they are somehow better than other children. It helps them understand why finding friends might seem elusive. (For more about how to address this with your child, see this link.)

Teachers can express a matter-of-fact attitude about differences to the entire classroom and refrain from commenting on the gifted student’s abilities or amplifying their differences by asking them to “tutor” other students.

2. Understanding their resistance to navigating social interactions

Remind your child that it is understandable and normal to feel uncomfortable in new social situations. Help them discover what negative thoughts, fears, and frustrations interfere. Ask about their worries and expectations (I just know they’ll laugh at me if I dance at the party).

Your empathy and support — along with a clear acknowledgment that they are different — will help them feel understood.

Teachers can provide support through seating arrangements or group projects where gifted students join with like-minded peers. When they can form connections with students who “get them,” their comfort level in the classrom increases.

3. Developing resilience in the face of challenging social situations

Consider using cognitive and self-regulation techniques, along with encouragement.

Cognitive strategies, such as brainstorming, help your child recognize a full range of possibilities that might explain their peers’ actions (instead of jumping to conclusions). Gifted kids are quick to come up with a solution and sometimes bypass other explanations.

Your child, for example, may assume that a friend is not responding to texts because they don’t like them anymore. Ask your child to compile a list of at least ten other reasons why their friend might be avoiding them.

Teach them calming and self-regulating techniques. Ask them to inhale slowly through their nose, and exhale with a longer exhalation. Some young children respond to imagery, such as blowing bubbles or a butterfly when they exhale. Various meditation or relaxation apps are available and some are geared toward children, such as techniques from the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.

Help your child identify and choose from a range of strategies for addressing the problem, including:

Changing the situation (making a decision to find new friends they can trust)
Taking action (telling their friend what is upsetting them)
Changing their attitude (recognizing that five years from now, the friend’s rejection will no longer sting).

Schools can support students by conveying respect for each person’s differences, providing opportunities for social-emotional learning, and enlisting counselors to offer social skills groups for children who continue to struggle.

4. Finding social connections related to their interests

Gifted children long for both intellectual and social connection with peers who understand their view of the world and who just “get them.” They thrive when they can collaborate, compete, and be themselves in connection with others.

Schools can offer ability grouping in the classroom, where gifted kids connect with like-minded peers. Encourage participation in extra-curricular activities that appeal to them, such as robotics, theatre, reading Olympics, or meaningful volunteer work.

Activities outside of school could include music ensembles, visual arts, creative writing, film production, chess, coding, or a local museum’s paleontology class. (Some activities may be low-cost or offer financial scholarships.)

5. Improving social skills

Some gifted kids lag behind their peers in social development. While you might help them embrace their differentness, it is nevertheless upsetting when they can’t fit in with their peers.

In fact, in research on parenting concerns that I conducted along with researcher Kali Fedor, parents of both gifted and twice-exceptional children frequently worried about their gifted child’s social struggles.

Learning to navigate social norms is an acquired skill that is attainable while still remaining true to oneself; it helps on the playground, at school, and eventually in the workforce. Gifted children can embrace their uniqueness and show up authentically — and also learn tools for managing anxiety and navigating social interactions.

Developing social skills is not a dictate to mask who they are; instead, your child will feel empowered and have the confidence and skills to interact in challenging situations.

Strategies can include role-playing, imagining various outcomes, and “imaginal rehearsal” where they picture themselves as confident and successful with interactions (more on these strategies in a future article).

Adopting these necessary social skills can ease their anxiety and build confidence. They don’t have to be the life of the party or the most popular kid in their class. But they can find other children to play with or talk to, even if they don’t always feel entirely comfortable (just like the rest of us!).

When your encouragement is not enough, though, enlisting additional support is helpful, such as working with a licensed mental health professional or seeking out school counselors who offer social skills training. Any efforts toward boosting confidence and improving your child’s ability to handle these tough challenges will go a long way.

A simlar article was published on Medium.

Back-to-School Checklist for Gifted and Twice-Exceptional Students

2026-09-30T08:50:09.600-04:00

It's more than the usual chaos and uncertainty. Here's what families need to know.

Image: Pexels/Caleb Oquendo

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) children are tasked with a somewhat different back-to-school checklist.

Yes, the backpack, lunchbox, and basic school supplies are on the list. But parents of gifted kids face additional challenges that frequently differ from the norm.

The following are tasks to consider when shepherding your gifted or 2e child (who has a co-existing condition such as ADHD or a learning disability) back to school.

A checklist for the tasks ahead

1. Consider what evaluations or supports your child needs

If your child has not yet received a cognitive or neuropsychological evaluation (and you have concerns about boredom or academic and social/emotional struggles), approach the school for your next step. It can take weeks, if not months, to schedule an evaluation, so submit your request as soon as possible. In many school districts, there is a specific protocol for requesting an evaluation. Ask your child’s teacher or the administration about what to do.

If gifted identification is mandated where you live (something that varies depending on your state or province), the school is required to provide testing. If not, you might need to search for a private evaluation, especially if your child is in a private school.

Based on results from the evaluation, your child may qualify for an Individualized Education Plan (IEP), a Gifted Individualized Education Plan (GIEP) or a 504 Plan (examples of terms used to denote special services for students who qualify due to a disability or gifted cognitive abilities). These plans are typically devised in collaboration with you and your child’s teacher and a specialist (such as a reading specialist or gifted education consultant), and the school psychologist. Sometimes your child is also invited to these meetings, depending on their age.

Once there is agreement among all participants, the plan becomes a “legal document” that informs and mandates services your child should recieve throughout the school year. The plan is revisited at least once a year to assess progress and tweak what is necessary going forward.

If your child requires supports beyond gifted education, such as help with a learning disability or fine motor skills, services will include professionals, such as a reading specialist, occupational therapist, licensed mental health professional, or a tutor.

2. Request an IEP meeting as soon as possible

If your child already has an IEP, GIEP, or 504 plan, set up a time to revise the plan. What worked last year may not work now. Make sure a meeting is in place — even to touch base about how/when/where your child will receive the support they need.

Advocacy efforts, unfortunately, fall on you, since many education professionals are overworked and under pressure to manage a large classroom full of students with diverse needs. If you reside in an area without mandates for gifted education or your child attends a private school, set up a meeting with whomever is in charge of education support.

And sometimes, giftedness or twice-exceptional needs are overlooked or misunderstood (see: What Families Wish the Experts Knew). Educate yourself about your child’s challenges and what resources may be necessary.

3. Search for activities outside of school that support and feed your child’s intense interests

Look for activities where your child can thrive outside of the traditional classroom, hone their skills, and find true peers. Many times, these activities spark their passion and allow them to envision their future selves. Some examples include a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, robotics, music classes, or a math league.

Search for activities that are low cost. When my kids were in school, they thrived through participation in a local chess club. It challenged their intellect and was a healthy outlet for competition. Even better: the cost to join was $15.00 a year! As parents, we were thrilled that they found something they enjoyed… and equally thrilled that it was so affordable!

4. Search for extra-curricular activities unrelated to your child’s giftedness

Sometimes stretching themselves to try something new and different (and perhaps difficult) can open your child’s eyes to strengths they never knew they had. It also builds resilience.

Activities unrelated to school or your child’s cognitive giftedness broaden their horizons and offer new perspectives. When my kids were in elementary school, for example, they were expected to pick one sport and one musical instrument of their choice. This also set a template for stressing the importance of physical exercise and creative outlets.

5. Start planning for the following year

School may have just started, but think ahead to what your child might need going forward. Are they transitioning into middle school or high school next year? Do you need to advocate for grade or subject acceleration or more opportunities for ability grouping? Would they beneift from a different school or summer activity where their talents will flourish? Start your search early, as some programs, schools, or specialty camps fill up quickly.

6. If your child is in high school, start thinking about college

Learning more about college options, financial aid, and the best college fit for your child is essential. Gather information about what will boost your child’s options, such as a good score on the PSATs, classes focused on SAT prep, or dual enrollment at a college (see more about college planning here). Identifying a college that can provide support for students with twice-exceptional conditions also may be relevant.

Even if the school has a college counselor on site, you still know your child best and need to be involved with the college search. In my clinical psychology and consulting practice, I see how families often leave college planning up to their child or the school counselor. Many school counselors are overworked and may not be familiar with colleges that might be most compatible with a gifted or neurodiverse student’s needs. It falls on you to become knowledgeable about what college options are best for your child.

And most teens have trouble deciding what to wear in the morning! Why should we assume that they possess the maturity, foresight, or awareness of potential financial implications (such as exhorbitant costs or loan burden) to find the best college choice? Why would you leave the decision solely up them without your input or guidance?

7. Encourage opportunities for personal and developmental growth

Identify areas of growth that will help your child thrive. This might include a goal to work on social skills (encouraging your shy child to attend more social activities), developing improved executive functioning skills, such as planning and time management, or learning to help others.

Incorporate family values, such as generosity and integrity, and encourage them, for example, to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor or volunteer at an animal shelter. Help them set goals that are just as important as academics.

In my work with high school seniors who are already academically successful, sometimes their task for the entire school year involves taking social risks, learning time management, or developing greater confidence. These non-academic tasks are what psychologist and author Steven Pfeiffer descibes as character strengths that are essential for enhancing emotional intelligence.

8. Pay attention to their social well-being

Focus on what will support your child best with social or emotional struggles. Even the most well-adjusted, socially-connected child goes through tough times. But gifted and 2e children often have greater difficulty finding friends who truly get them.

If your child is young, it may fall on you to set up playdates, with an eye toward encouraging time spent with peers who relate well to your child. If they are older, though, you can still offer some guidance. For example, if your child is anxious, they may require some encouragement, role-modeling about handling difficult interactions, or goal-setting to ensure that they attend social events. If your child is highly sensitive, they may benefit from strategies that support them in stressful social situations. Sometimes, working with the school counselor, school psychologist, or a licensed mental health professional can help.

9. All A’s are not necessarily signs of success

Some gifted children breeze through school, but never learn how to weather academic challenges or develop executive functioning skills. They assume that school should be easy and they may avoid anything that is difficult. Underachievement can take many forms, and can be masked when your child seems to excel.

Working with your child’s teacher or gifted consultant may help. Your child may benefit from specific tasks that require greater effort or help them to develop planning and goal-setting strategies. If your child is perfectionistic, they may benefit from a grade-free option (sometimes available in elementary schools) where they work on a portfolio that showcases their progress rather than a targeted grade.

10. Pay attention to your own health and wellbeing

Raising a gifted or 2e child is a joy, but also quite demanding. As I mentioned throughout my book about parenting gifted children, your self-awareness and attention to your own needs is essential, along with developing a support network of friends, family, and parents of other gifted kids who can navigate this journey with you.

The back-to-school time may be fraught with challenges related to the transition and your own expectations (see: Back-to-School Blues). When you feel strong, clear about your parenting role, and supported by others, you are better equipped to offer the support and guidance your child needs.

Wishing you well for the upcoming school year!

Please share this with others who might be forming their own back-to-school checklists.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

The Back-to-School Blues

2026-09-10T08:37:46.104-04:00

Tips for supporting your child's well-being (and your own) as they transition back to the classroom

Image: Pexels/Saulo Leite

It’s that Back-to-School time of year… when chaos and anxiety are bound to escalate.

Expectations, uncertainty, and change in routines create complex challenges. And in addition to backpacks and school supplies, a back-to-school checklist ideally includes the emotional tasks ahead for you and your child.

A checklist for back-to-school well-being

The following suggestions come from my experience as both a parent and as a clinical psychologist and parenting consultant:

1. Create some closure on the summer

Regardless of whether summer was fun or filled with stress (like a distressing camp experience), transitioning to school is still a daunting challenge.

Create opportunities for conversation, a family meeting, or a goodbye ritual to mark the end of summer. This might include use of creative outlets (art, writing, a collage of photos) to recount their summer experiences, a family reflection about summer highlights, or a ritual related to transition (pulling out cold weather clothing from storage).

2. Discuss expectations about the school year ahead

An ongoing conversation about what’s ahead can set the stage for openness and curiosity about the new school year.

You can express high hopes for a wonderful year. But rather than an unrealistically positive approach (it will be fantastic!), encourage your child to start school with an open mind and a willingness to tolerate disappointments, and provide reassurance that you know they can handle whatever arises.

They may not like their teacher(s) at first, their friend groups may be different this year, and some of the schoolwork might not always be interesting. Help your child learn how to weather frustrations or disappointments through acceptance and self-forgiveness, which is just as important as academic success. It builds resilience for approaching any new ventures as a learning experience. (More on this in a future article.)

3. Discuss your expectations for your child

Consider setting expectations related to motivation, effort, and the capacity to take on new challenges rather than focusing too much on grades. Tackling a new activity, exerting energy to complete a difficult project, and pushing themselves to be more organized will boost your child’s confidence, even if they complain at first.

Expectations also might involve working to overcome social anxiety, finding new friends, or taking on new responsibilities at home. When my kids were old enough to get ready for school on their own, they were expected to get up on time, make breakfast for themselves, and pack their backpacks. It was a win-win: they developed a greater sense of competence, and I got an extra half hour of sleep!

4. Develop a toolkit for dealing with potential problems

Just like an emergency first aid kit, children benefit from the security of knowing what to do if things go wrong.

Discuss how they might handle a situation if they feel unfairly accused of something at school, what to do next if a child punches them at recess, and how to resist peer pressure. Make sure they have a plan if they are too young to stay home alone and are discharged early from school (such as the phone number of a trusted neighbor).

5. Set up a family plan for regular check-ins

When conversations about school, friends, activities, and life in general are commonplace, your child may be more willing to share concerns about school.

But sometimes, life gets in the way and deeper discussions don’t happen. Agree to set a time at least once a week to check in about how they are doing. If your child is particularly reticent to share much, consider a time when they might be more open, such as at bedtime, when they are in the car, or working alongside you on a project.

6. Identify extracurricular interests and expectations

When my kids were young, they agreed on our family’s expectations that they play a musical instrument of their choice and join a community sports team. Extracurricular activities are a reprieve from academic demands and the structure of school. Your child is also likely to meet other children with similar interests.

Many times, these activities can spark lifelong passions. Some examples to consider include sports, a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, robotics, music classes, dance, art classes, photography, or a math league. And look for activities that are also both convenient and affordable. We found a local chess club for our kids that cost only $15.00 per year to join… an unbeatable price.

7. Advocate at school to support your child

Sometimes the school year gets off to a rocky start. There may be conflicts and misunderstandings with their teacher. Your child complains about hating school. You receive reports from school about disruptive behavior in the classroom. Your child’s grades drop unexpectedly.

Don’t delay. Set up a meeting with your child’s teacher as soon as possible. Learn how you can help at home, such as encouraging organizational strategies or helping your child learn self-regulation and calming skills. Forming an alliance with your child’s teacher benefits all involved; you are part of the team, and your input will help the teacher understand and work effectively with your child.

If problems persist, ask to meet with the school counselor or for an evaluation with the school psychologist (or other professional, such as an occupational therapist or reading specialist). Your child may benefit from an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) which sets guidelines for the current year and includes input from teachers, specialists, and you. An IEP documents the need for special services or accommodations, along with goals for improvement in behavior or academics.

And of course, consider psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional if needed… ideally with an experienced psychotherapist who specializes in working with children.

8. Focus on the long game

Consider what your child needs in the future. Even as they settle into the classroom, start thinking about options for the following year. Is a change in schools needed? Are you thinking of private school or homeschooling if your child’s needs cannot be met at their current school? Do they need ongoing support with a particular problem, such as executive functioning skills, time management, or a learning disability?

And even if your child is young, think about long-term planning that considers both your child’s and your family’s needs. This not only includes setting up a college savings fund, if possible, but identifying family values related to supporting your child.

How important is a summer enrichment activity if you break the bank to pay for it? What values are you trying to instill? Are you teaching them a sense of responsibility, whether through expectations about chores, respectful communication with adults, and consideration toward others in your household? Are you ensuring that your child has fun and is not overly focused on academic demands?

9. Find support for yourself as a parent

Parenting is one of our greatest joys, but at times is stressful and exhausting. Make sure you have the emotional supports you need, whether through a spouse or partner, friends, extended family, or even a parenting support group. Take breaks. Take vacations. Have date nights with your partner or spouse. And find fun activities to engage in with your child… making memories that will last a lifetime.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful school year ahead!

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

You might also enjoy the following:

Stop Labels from Derailing Self-esteem

The Truth about Authoritative Parenting

When ‘Helping’ Your Child Might Actually Hurt Them More

What Neuroscience Says About 'EQ' Among the Cogniively Gifted

2026-08-28T20:34:04.259-04:00

An explanation that debunks the "socially clueless" narrative

Image: Unsplash/Flash

Gifted folks are often stereotyped as interpersonally clueless.

Film and media portrayals of socially inept characters — the Sheldons and Sherlocks — are pervasive. Cognitively gifted children and adults are pigeonholed as necessarily lacking in EQ (shorthand for emotional quotient, a popular term for emotional intelligence).

But these stereotypes are far from the truth.

In real life, there is no scorecard that tallies up and evenly distributes abilities… where cognitive strengths must be counterbalanced by social deficits.

And what sometimes seems like a deficit is often linked to hidden strengths, as described below.

Beyond stereotypes

The stereotype of the socially inept gifted child is narrow and misleading.

Yes, of course, some gifted children feel ill-equipped (or disinclined) to navigate the social climate. And asynchronous development (where social maturity sometimes lags behind intellect) can delay acquisition of social skills.

And yes, many gifted children and adults don’t fit the norm. They eschew social niceties, mingling at parties, or boring conversations. They question social rules and expectations. They prefer immersion in what interests them most rather than chasing acceptance from the popular crowd.

Despite their atypical approach to social expectations, gifted folks are keenly aware of the social world — actively observing, empathizing, absorbing, and emotionally reacting to what’s happening around them.

In fact, recent research suggests that a gifted person’s heightened sensitivity, cognitive complexity, and compassionate attunement to the suffering of others are signs of a high EQ.

And empathy is the key.

The empathy effect

Empathy (the capacity to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand their experience) is emblematic among the gifted. Even when it is not always obvious.

Consider the following:

· What if social differences among the gifted — the non-conformity, the introversion, the discomfort when tasked with superficial conversation, the sheer refusal to engage in meaningless banter — were linked with profound empathic attunement to others?
· What if sadness over a wounded animal or refusal to join the popular crowd (because they bully others) or an aversion to violent movie scenes were all tied to deep compassion for those who suffer?
· What if their anxiety and obsessive worries, a capacity to envision potential harm, and despair over injustice and politics and climate change keep them up at night and leave little room to care about social norms or others’ expectations?
· What if they are already hooked on creative immersion in what matters most, intent on finding their “flow,” and cannot be bothered with rote learning, seemingly pointless conversation, or rigid rules?
· What if their nervous system seems like it is on fire, leaving them simultaneously activated and exhausted from heightened sensations and worries and way too much compassion for the world’s suffering?

If your nervous system worked this way (and if you’re reading this, perhaps you know that it does!), you might feel depleted, too. You might need to withdraw from mandatory social events, retreat to your comfort zone, and limit socializing to those few, dear friends who truly understand.

In fact, your child’s withdrawal from others may be a protective maneuver in response to an overloaded nervous system — not an aversion to socializing.

Your gifted friend’s seeming aloofness may not stem from a lack of caring, but instead, from inaction due to a fear of saying the wrong thing.

Your spouse’s need to retreat in the evening may be a recovery tactic to cope with exhaustion after a day spent absorbing others’ emotions and processing so much about the world around them.

Giftedness, empathy, heightened reactivity, and “internal wiring”

Research findings (and common sense) recognize that an emotionally supportive, academically challenging, and highly resourced environment are essential ingredients for how a gifted child’s cognitive abilities are expressed.

But a child’s internal wiring is not as readily modifiable.

And empathy is part of that wiring.

Even when raised in a supportive environment that cushions the blow of real world challenges, emotionally gifted children still process experiences through a lens of depth and intensity — absent the self-blame and shame that arises if their sensitivity is mocked or criticized.

And recent research offers a window into this internal experience among the gifted.

Heightened sensitivity among the gifted is linked to neurological differences in “mirror neurons” found on fMRI and EEG studies, wrote counselor and Tel Aviv University professor emerita, Hanna David in a summary of recent studies:

“Mirror neurons are brain cells that are activated both when performing an action and when observing someone else performing it. They enable understanding, empathy, and social learning. They reflect the actions of others and help decode intentions and emotions (such as pain or joy) through automatic mental simulation, thus forming the basis for human communication and imitation. They also enhance learning, which occurs to a large extent through imitation, by “lighting up” when we observe another person’s actions or emotions.”

Recent research on the “hyperactivity” of mirror neurons — also known as hypermirroring — focuses on both misophonia (a sensory-emotional condition that is often expressed as aversion to certain sounds) and emotional giftedness tied to exceptional empathy.

The concept of hypermirroring, according to David, is a neurological term that describes how some people react to the “actions, sounds, or emotions of others with much higher intensity than what is considered ‘normal,’’’ and leads to “deeper emotional connection and intense, rapid learning.”

Emotionally gifted folks may possess heightened empathy, intuition, sensitivity, and a need for time alone to recharge, but also crave social connection.

Contrary to the clueless, socially averse prototype, the gifted are often highly attuned to what they observe in others, actively seek out relationships, and thrive among like-minded peers.

Strengths and drawbacks of hyper-empathy

David points out that highly empathetic gifted folks can experience exhaustion and emotional overload, including physical and emotional reactions.

Whether witnessing another person’s (or animal’s) suffering, reacting to violence in film or the news, or neglecting their own needs so they can care for others, emotionally gifted people experience powerful reactions:

“When a gifted person has overactive mirror neurons, they may be highly aware of themselves, their needs, and desires, and understand them well — but at the same time, they can not only understand others but actually feel them and identify with them deeply.”

“Hyper-empathy can get extreme,” acknowledged clinical psychologist and giftedness and misophonia expert, Heidi Lack, PhD, ATR-BC in an interview for this article. It “floods the individual with incoming data that places a burdensome demand to simultaneously filter, discern, and navigate, while attempting to attune to and manage their own emotional intensities.”

Lack described how hyper-empathy can “amplify the incoherence felt when social norms are perceived as dissonant with one’s nervous system’s sensitivity, emotion regulation needs, or one’s ethics.” And ethical conflicts may arise when faced with a “complex social world that prioritizes similarity over individuality, power and loyalty over empathy.”

“Sudden, disruptive and confusing empathic experiences, such as experienced by many with misophonia,” according to Lack, “may be interpreted by our brain-body as a threat, generate discomfort, and shatter our sense of coherence.”

At times, though hyper-empathy has its perks.

Attuned awareness contributes to a deep understanding of others that affects all areas of life. David points out that this capacity typically arises at a young age and has advantages in both friendships and work settings.

It’s not just the poets and philosophers and visionaries. Empathy supercharges awareness among business leaders, veterinary technicians, city planners, store clerks, medical professionals, sports coaches, parents, and teachers, to name only a few.

And Lack highlights how empathic attunement, under the right conditions, is a joyful, meaningful experience that enhances social interactions. “Harmonic empathy is experienced as positive, amplifying our sense of self in relation to the other and feelings of being in greater connection to them.”

Empathy is key to feeling understood, heard, accepted, and appreciated — the essential ingredients of any successful relationship or collaborative endeavor.

What you can do

Hyper-empathy can be a lot.

It falls on parents, teachers, and the entire community to understand that emotionally gifted children and teens experience the world with exceptional intensity.

You can’t talk a child out of their sensitivity or their deep well of empathy. Criticism or attempts to cajole them to toughen up will typically backfire and infuse a sense of shame.

They need support, understanding, and guidance to learn how to manage such “big” feelings. In a sense, they must learn how to lower the volume on their emotional dial (like a radio) when reactions become overwhelming.

Helping them find friend groups where others “get them,” encouraging down time to recharge their energies, and training in mindfulness, self-regulation and calming strategies allow them to function in the real world without as much distress (more on coping strategies in a future article).

And of course, providing a learning environment where it’s both safe to be smart and empathetic attunement is essential.

With support, gifted children and adults (and their parents and teachers) can develop the resilience to weather crises as well as day-to-day encounters that tug on their hearts. But the first step requires greater acceptance and an understanding of how hyper-empathy permeates their sense of self and colors how they relate to the world around them.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

Stop Labels from Derailing Self-esteem

2026-08-07T11:12:02.567-04:00

How parents can intervene to prevent harm

Image: Pexels/Pavil Danilyuk

Raised in a family of professional musicians, my interest in music came naturally. I took to the piano like the proverbial “fish to water,” and practiced daily with a ferocious drive. No pushing or prodding was necessary.

But then, my interest faded.

My inertia stemmed from several factors: I stopped loving classical music, never felt comfortable with competition or the spotlight, and found that performances were a miserably anxious experience.

What sealed the deal, though was my sense of differentness from my peers. I hated being known as “the pianist” and cringed when adults automatically assumed my career path was set. As I progressed through my teen years, only my closest friends knew of my talent — hidden from others like a shameful secret.

Labeling, lack of attunement, and potential harm

What happened to me occurs routinely when children are labeled.

While often found among families with multiple children (he’s the smart one; she’s the athletic one), labeling is pervasive in a culture where little nuance is afforded toward each child’s unique and complex needs.

Once children engage with their peers — whether in school, the playground, or through organized activities — their talents, capabilities, and struggles become readily apparent, referenced through comparison with others.

Labels are commonplace, since categorizing complex information often feels good, making meaning out of what is messy and confusing. Labels also create a sense of identity and a connection to what we value most. We are members of families and nationalities and cultures, and personal identification with these defining categories can instill a fierce allegiance to political parties, religious doctrine, or even local sports teams.

Unfortunately, labels can minimize, devalue, and inaccurately pigeonhole others, creating damaging stereotypes.

The same stereotypes and prejudices held toward others can also influence our self-perceptions, both positive and negative.

How labels affect children

Labels create a sense of self-definition for children; vulnerable and impressionable, they believe what adults or other children say about them. Casual comments about their personality or appearance or flaws become entrenched in their psyche.

Labels frequently follow a student throughout school, passed on from teacher to teacher, affecting their expectations of said child. In fact, many adults still reel from memories of harsh, condescending (and sometimes untrue) words spoken with impatience by an authority figure.

Clients in my clinical psychotherapy practice often cling to childhood messages that have defined their sense of self, despite evidence to the contrary. They may perceive certain abilities or struggles as “fact,” rather than accept that they have either outgrown such labels, or that the labels were inaccurate from the start.

Thomas* (whose name is changed to protect his confidentiality) was seen as the “funny one” in his family and felt he could never compare with his extremely bright older brother. Despite good grades and a starring role in the school play, he still harbored doubts about himself and assumed he was an imposter, merely fooling others.
As the “older” sister in her family, Sue* assumed responsibility for her younger sister’s welfare… and continued to overfunction in her relationships as an adult. Yet, Sue’s “younger” sister was her twin; they were born 10 minutes apart! The label of older sister stuck, with little regard for the fact that they were the same age.

Challenging and moving beyond labels can be transformative, but also evoke feelings of anger, sadness, or ambivalence (tied to family loyalty or community). Many adults bemoan lost opportunities because they followed a family-prescribed path or doubted their abilities.

How can parents protect their children from harmful labels?

1. Pay attention to how you comment about your child’s strengths and struggles. If you describe a behavior as a global trait, they are more likely to adopt the label for themselves.

Instead of saying “you’re so lazy,” try “I see that you have a hard time remembering to put your dishes in the sink.” Rather than, “you’re so smart; you’re our shining star,” try “it’s great to see how you tackle homework and do so well.” Instead of “you’re so shy,” try “going to a party can feel scary, but let’s figure out the social skills that will help you feel more comfortable.”

Think: behavior and actions rather than defining traits.

2. Help your child challenge labels they receive from others. Encourage them to brainstorm why said child or adult called them a particular name. Were they having a bad day? Were they “projecting” their upset about something at home onto them?

Let your child know that the other person was out of line; they might not like the child’s behavior, but they have no authority to label and define them. Even if the the trait is positive — amazing athlete, smartest kid in the class, or in my case, a talented musician — it can create pressure to perform, to achieve perfection, and to always fit the label.

Of course, problematic behavior needs to be addressed. But without trait-based labels, children have a better chance of changing their behavior.

3. Point out that we all have differences, loyalties, preferences, and attachments to things that matter. Your child might be a huge New York Knicks fan, but they can still be friends with someone who loves the Boston Celtics. They might feel proud of their artistic talent; that doesn’t mean they must pursue art as a career.

Help them disentangle what they admire, identify with, and how they perceive themselves from who they are, in all of their wonderful, nuanced complexity.

My musical talent never materialized into a career; I lacked the temperament, passion, and perfectionistic drive necessary for such challenging work.

Music is still an essential part of who I am — it just doesn’t define me.

Don’t let labels constrain, limit, and define you or your child. Pay attention to behaviors, actions, propensities, passions, and drive, but steer clear of all-encompassing, restrictive labels.

*All names were changed to protect privacy and confidentiality.

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

You Can't Fool a Gifted Kid

2026-07-31T14:35:46.377-04:00

They spot inauthenticity a mile away

Image: Pexels/Cottonbro

Gifted children come equipped with an attuned awareness of the world around them.

Their attunement comes in different flavors. Some gifted kids use logic and even mathematical reasoning to figure things out. Others are hit with insight like a lightning bolt. Still others feel profound emotions and empathy for those who are suffering. They cringe when confronted with duplicitous behavior or meanness. They question why bullying and nastiness and deception exist at all; it is harsh and mean and doesn’t make any sense.

You can’t fool them.

You can’t cajole them.

You can’t pretend.

Gifted kids spot inauthenticity, falsehoods, injustice, unfairness, and just plain foolishness a mile away.

Their keen intellect and heightened sensitivity color perceptions of the world around them. They have no patience for pettiness, spitefulness, false bravado, or fake friendliness. They have no respect for pretenders and posers. They cannot tolerate teachers who lack clarity or an in-depth understanding of what they are teaching — and get in trouble for eye rolling, reading a book in their laps, or asking pertinent confrontational questions.

Authenticity is Pivotal

As long as authenticity is part of the equation, though, gifted children will be accepting.

They understand that all adults make mistakes, that their friends can have a bad day, and that teachers are imperfect. They forgive their parents for their occasional outbursts. They accept apologies and are typically compassionate toward another’s struggles.

When they encounter inauthenticity, though, they feel adrift. Some experience existential distress (especially common among gifted teens), compounded by deep disappointment when family members, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, or community members seem duplicitous, unkind, or adhere to values and doctrine that make no sense.

Underlying their existential angst is despair.

They feel lost once they lose faith in those people or institutions they once trusted.

How this affects parents and educators

Your gifted child or student may not necessarily agree with your rules; they may complain and groan and debate you like a lawyer. But ultimately, they recognize when your decisions make sense. They may not like limiting their screen use or taking end-of-semester exams, but they understand the rationale for these expectations.

However, if rules seem unreasonable, make no sense to them, or seem developmentally misattuned (like a bedtime that is much earlier than the norm), they will bristle, feel misunderstood, and perhaps, find a workaround. Some even resort to deception.

Children look to parents, teachers, coaches, and religious leaders for a sense of attunement and safety. If they feel misunderstood or treated unfairly by those they love, respect, or rely upon, they will feel despair.

Next steps for educators and parents

Parenting, teaching, or mentoring a gifted child can be tough. They spot every flaw and are quick to point them out! They expect authenticity and empathy and attunement. They won’t hold a grudge when they realize you lied about Santa, but they might if you hide a family secret from them.

For teachers:

Educators must appreciate that gifted kids are high challenge/high reward kinds of students. They can be demanding, disruptive, or disengaged if the curriculum seems tedious and boring. But when provided with a meaningful and engaging assignment, their enthusiasm is reawakened. You’ll see them blossom before your eyes.

Of course, teachers need support from their peers, mentors, and school administrators. Otherwise, accommodating the needs of gifted and twice-exceptional students (who have a co-existing condition, such as ADHD or a learning disability) may seem like yet another burdensome task.

Policy change is essential and often rests upon state, provincial, or local mandates about providing gifted education. If there are minimal guidelines where you teach, I urge you to reach out to state or provincial gifted education associations or the National Association for Gifted Education (NAGC) for guidance.

For parents:

Gifted children — all children — desperately need to trust you, know that you “get them,” and feel your love, regardless of their missteps. They need to know that their giftedness or achievements are never tied to your love for them.

As a parent, finding support and peers who understand is just as critical as any parenting guidelines or philosophy. Understanding your own struggles, setting aside time for yourself, and finding friends who understand (including other parents of gifted kids) will provide much-needed support. As I emphasize in my book, a compassionate understanding of your own needs and finding adequate support is essential when raising any child — but especially a gifted or twice-exceptional child.

A similar version of this article was recently published on Medium.

What Kind of Gifted Person Will You Become?

2026-07-27T09:26:49.192-04:00

Cultivating an intentional path through self-awareness... despite the strengths and pitfalls of cognitive giftedness

Photo: The Author

Graduation season is upon us.

You may have graduated from high school… or college… or graduate or professional school. You may have launched from home. You might even have found your dream job.

But what kind of gifted person do you really want to be?

A strange question, perhaps.

As a cognitively gifted or twice-exceptional person, you may have excelled. You might hold a strong (and possibly perfectionistic) drive to achieve… or conversely, coasted through school without exerting much effort.

You quickly grasp information and relish the intensity, depth, and passion you bring when immersed in what interests you. You also might have felt some external or even internalized pressure to “live up to your potential.” And you may feel perplexed when faced with a range of career or lifestyle options due to your multipotentiality.

You might even grieve the road not traveled after abandoning uncharted vocational aspirations.

Being gifted may seem like a blessing but, at times, also a burden.

More control than you think

But what can you do about it?

After all, you’re no more responsible for your intellectual strengths than for your eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps you do have some control.

Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment: the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received.

Some lucky folks among us seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive, yet challenging families and teachers. The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden. Or we never fully reached our potential.

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and another fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities.

I have known some gifted folks who:

Love life and harness the power of their talents

Focus their careers toward something meaningful

Engage their empathy and heightened sensitivity in their interactions with those they love

Utilize their strong analytic thinking and strategic skills to solve problems and find solutions

Develop a curious, open-minded, receptive view of life, with an acceptance toward learning from whatever happens
Take responsibility to address nagging insecurities, fears, skills deficits, or interpersonal struggles

I have also known gifted folks who:

Harbor anger, bitterness, and apathy due to mistreatment from parents, schools, or peers

Suppress their talents to please others; they avoid conflicts or competitive situations, or conform to cultural standards that frown upon expressing their abilities (due to gender, racial or cultural expectations or stereotypes)

Flee from challenging social situations where they feel inadequate

Refuse to push or challenge themselves and settle for mediocre circumstances

Avoid academic or career opportunities that are difficult, require effort, or where they might not immediately excel

Express impatience, cynicism, and frustration when peers, co-workers, or authority figures do not seem as smart, quick, or as capable of complex thinking

Place excessive demands upon themselves to achieve perfection and always win or be the best

Feel despair because they did not achieve their vision of success and cannot appreciate what they have accomplished or feel gratitude for what is positive in their lives

Swear upside and down that, no way are they gifted! (despite enormous evidence to the contrary)

Fear that others will be annoyed by their intensity or sensitivity

Utilize their smarts to cut corners, avoid responsibility, coast through school, and take the easy way out, even though this keeps them feeling bored and apathetic

Refuse to try something unless they are already good at it

Feel like an imposter, despite successes

The bottom line:

The list of complicating factors could go on. But the takeaway is that you, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities.

Your passionate engagement with what is interesting and meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. But it falls on you to challenge and resolve the personal roadblocks, fears, insecurity, and blind spots that block your path.

Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education.

Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in.

Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect.

Take stock of your values, passions, interests, and what drives you… and follow that path. This might involve journaling, devising a list of self-reflective questions*, connecting with a group of like-minded friends, or seeking the support of a licensed mental health professional, mentor, or spiritual leader.

Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50, you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach.

Poet Mary Oliver’s wonderful quote applies here: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

What will you do?

What kind of gifted person will you become?

A similar version of this was posted previously on Substack.

*Stay tuned for articles with suggestions about questions for self-reflection, designed to enhance your self-awareness.

When 'Helping' Your Child Might Actually Hurt Them More

2026-07-07T11:53:39.051-04:00

Image: Pexels/Sofatutor

Parenting can be hard.

Most of us muddle through as best we can.

But how do you know whether parenting decisions are truly in your child’s best interests — or if they merely satisfy your own needs?

Decisions that might seem tailored toward your child’s best interests sometimes create unanticipated consequences. This happens when decisions are driven by anxiety, uncertainty, or a desire to protect your child from failure. And parenting can be even more complicated when your child is gifted or twice-exceptional.

Fortunately, there are tools available for understanding more about these common practices (see more below).

What parenting interventions work best

Children thrive when there is love, warmth, open communication, emotional attunement, and clear boundaries, as part of an “authoritative” (not to be confused with authoritarian) parenting approach. The absence of physical punishment, shaming, or other harsh forms of discipline is also essential.

And considering your family’s or your own needs in addition to those of your child is also necessary at times, as with the following:

Clear and necessary choices related to safety or finances or basic respect for others (such as limiting extra curriculars due to financial limitations).
Expectations that benefit the child and the family (such as insisting on regular chores).
Setting boundaries and limits on what you can handle or what your entire family needs (such as limiting the the noise decibels in your home).

Acting on what works for both you and your child is a win-win situation. It only becomes problematic when the child’s needs are misunderstood and if your involvement thwarts their development.

When parenting decisions inadvertently make things worse

There are times when worries, high expectations, personal struggles, or even patterns from your own childhood overshadow parenting decisions.

I have heard a variety of parenting struggles in my psychotherapy practice:

Parents who are willing to sacrifice everything to support and protect their child, yet who are often unaware of how much their own needs or worries affect their decisions.
Parents who are reluctant to let their child experience “natural consequences,” attempting to insulate them from any risk of failure.
Parents who struggle with anger and grief when their child’s behavior, temperament, or interests conflict with what they had expected.
Parents who “lose it,” and lash out in a rage when their child’s self-defeating or stubborn behaviors persist.
Parents who feel compelled to repeat the child raising practices from their past and are afraid to develop their own parenting compass.
Parents who view their child as a close confidante, where closeness masks an unhealthy reliance on the child for emotional support.

These parents clearly love their children and want the best for them. But attempts to shield them from failure — or relying on them to fulfill their dreams or provide emotional support — can backfire and contribute to unexpected negative outcomes.

The autonomy factor

Sometimes, you must intervene to keep your child safe and offer developmentally appropriate support: removing them from a physically unsafe or emotionally abusive situation, approaching their teacher to understand why they failed math, declining a playdate invitation if a neighbor’s child repeatedly teases and taunts your child.

Protecting your child and keeping them safe is essential. But most of the time, parenting decisions are not so clear-cut.

Attempts to rescue children from challenging situations — when they are developmentally, emotionally, and socially capable of handling them — deprives them of opportunities to flex their autonomy muscles and build resilience and confidence.

Children are born with an inherent developmental drive toward autonomy and self-sufficiency. Ushering a child along this path, though, creates challenges for all involved. Children careen from needing comfort, protection, and guidance… to a fierce drive for independence. And these competing needs can change within seconds.

When my three-year-old tussled with a stuck toy and wailed, “I want to do it all by myself, but I need your help!” his reaction epitomized the developmentally universal desire for both autonomy and support.

Key questions to ask yourself

How can we ensure that our decisions best serve our child’s needs, support their safety and wellbeing, but also encourage their autonomy?

Self-awareness, clarity about goals and values, and attunement to your child’s unique needs are all critical components of effective parenting.

The following are questions for self-reflection to consider as you navigate parenting decisions (along with some examples of child-raising dilemmas).

1. Do my decisions arise from my personal wishes, expectations, and goals for my child? Or am I overlooking what they might truly need based on their developmental age, abilities, temperament, and interests?

Both Mara and Tim* (whose names are changed to preserve confidentiality) wished their parents had encouraged them to excel in school. In hopes of averting a similar fate for their son, they demanded a high level of achievement — insisting that he take the maximum number of AP classes and participate in afterschool sports. But he felt pressured and angry, started to withdraw and rebel, and ended up failing two of his classes.

Mara and Tim had reasonable expectations about their son’s potential. However, they ignored some of his emotional needs or his capacity to take on activities that may have been too challenging. Their attempt to prevent a repetition of their childhood experiences backfired.

2. When should I let my child struggle and accept natural consequences? Can I recognize when my involvement or interventions are necessary or when they might interfere with their burgeoning independence, confidence, and resilience?

Kevin’s* parents were frustrated when he refused to complete his homework. They sat with him, readily answered his questions (rather than insisting that he research information on his own), and even helped rewrite some of his papers.

Kevin’s parents were unaware that their “help” was contributing to his resistance. As a result, Kevin learned to doubt his abilities and was reluctant to attempt difficult or challenging schoolwork.

3. Will my expectations contribute to my child’s safety as well as their autonomy and confidence? Or instead, will these expectations convey doubts about my child’s capabilities and create an unhealthy dependency on us?

Heather and Jesse* were sad and anxious when their daughter left for college and insisted that she call them every day so they knew she was safe. Rather than feeling comforted by her parents’ need for connection, their daughter internalized her parents’ anxiety and worried that perhaps she could not handle college life so far from home.

Heather and Jesse understandably anticipated missing their daughter. But their insistence on daily check-ins was prompted by their own fears and grief about her leaving home. Unable to offer a confident send-off with perhaps more reasonable expectations, they inadvertently conveyed doubt about whether they trusted her readiness for college.

4. How do I separate my own childhood experiences and fears from what are reasonable expectations based on my child’s age, developmental level, and social/emotional needs? Can I distinguish my anxiety from what is safe and developmentally appropriate?

Marjorie* was sexually assaulted at a party when she was 17. Now that her daughter, Kayla*, was in high school, Marjorie would not let her participate in relatively safe social activities. She was terrified that the same fate would befall her daughter.

Marjorie’s goal of protecting Kayla set up an unhealthy dynamic. Rather than prepare her daughter with tools for managing challenging social situations, she conveyed fear and distrust, setting her daughter up for anxiety… along with rebellion (as Kayla learned to hide her social activities from her mother).

5. Am I relying excessively on my child to fulfill my needs or provide emotional support?

Tara’s* parents divorced when she was 14. Tara felt sympathy for her mother and tried to cheer her up by spending most of her free time at home rather than with friends. Tara secretly worried that her mother would crumble without her emotional support.

Tara’s mother assumed that her daughter was happy and wanted to spend her time at home. She never realized that Tara felt obligated to support her mother’s wellbeing, which inadvertently thwarted her social and emotional development.

What went awry for these families?

The above examples may seem familiar. And most of us (myself included) have fallen into some of these parenting traps at times: Conveying mixed messages about rules, “rescuing” them from natural consequences, or yelling at them after a hard day.

Occasional lapses rarely cause harm. It’s only problematic when these actions become entrenched patterns or are clearly misaligned with what our child needs.

When to intervene and when to hold back

One of parenting’s greatest challenges involves learning whether to intervene or not. This might require restraint on our part, containing our own anxiety and expectations, allowing our child to fail, and recognizing when our involvement relieves our worries and unhappiness but instead interferes with their capacity to learn new skills and face difficult challenges.

But we can enlist one of our most powerful parenting tools: the capacity for self-reflection.

The next time you are feeling torn about parenting decisions, ask yourself the following additional questions:

Is this what my child needs at this given moment in time?
Is this essential for their long-term development?
Are my decisions based on my personal longings, unmet needs, or reliance on them to offset my own unhappiness or anxiety?
Are my expectations based on my child’s abilities, temperament, and developmental level?
Are my reactions driven by my own uncertainty, anxiety, or influences from others?

The more we feel grounded in our parenting values and goals, can rein in our anxiety and worries, consider our child’s unique strengths and challenges, and seek out guidance and support from trusted loved ones or mental health professionals (and not from our child), the more we help our child transition into the confident, independent, and kind young adult we hope they will become.

*All names and some minor details were changed to protect confidentiality.

A similar version of this article was recently published on Medium.

Gifted Overthinking: An Asset or a Liability?

2026-06-25T20:53:19.340-04:00

Image: Pexels/Tiro Miroschnechenko

Logic, reason, introspection…. oh my!

Thinking deeply is a joy, especially for gifted folks who ponder the complexities of just about anything. They love to problem-solve, find creative solutions, deconstruct ideas, let their imaginations soar, and debate and disagree.

But deep introspection can go awry when it morphs into overthinking — an obsessive drive to mull over ideas or problems.

Neither a psychiatric diagnosis nor a behavior, overthinking is an anxiety-driven thought process. It might be enlisted initially to reduce anxiety, but this strategy typically backfires and fuels even more worry and uncertainty.

Overthinking creates a negative feedback loop, driven by the assumption that if I only think long enough, I will find the solution! And cognitively gifted people may be prone to overthinking, given their tendency to employ logic, critical thinking, and creative strategies.

The solution never comes, though, because overthinking minds will find yet another perspective or pathway or glitch that pokes holes in a seemingly good idea. Confidence dwindles. Anxiety increases. And the vicious cycle continues once again.

What causes overthinking?

Recognizing what fuels overthinking is the first step toward dismantling its grip. (Suggestions for managing the impact of overthinking are included in each section and also listed below.)

Here are some common elements of overthinking:

1. Taking charge at all costs

Overthinking can stem from a need for control. Some overthinkers are high achievers who demand excellence from themselves and others. They seem to have all the answers, master every detail, and grab the reins on any project. They take pride in their competence and barely come up for air as they race to keep up with the latest information and theories.

When self-worth rests on accomplishments or a fleeting sense of control, overthinkers are primed for disappointment. Learning to instead view failure as a springboard for future growth is essential. It can help to consistently challenge unrealistic expectations, experiment with making “planned mistakes,” and take steps to let go of past regrets or worries about the future.

2. Perfectionism

Perfectionism (or an unhealthy drive for excellence) is like control-driven overthinking on steroids.

Overthinkers who strive for perfection often pursue seemingly fool-proof plans to ensure that their desired outcomes come to fruition. But entrenched perfectionistic expectations merely stoke the flames of anxiety and disappointment.

Underlying perfectionistic overthinking is a deep-seated fear that presumed flaws will be exposed. This fuels additional perfectionism, repeated checking. and obsessing about what might go wrong. If they miscalculate and their goals elude them, they berate themselves for both the outcome and their failure to devise a perfect plan.

Perfectionism differs from a healthy drive to achieve. Researcher Patrick Gaudreau proposed the concept of “excellencism” to describe striving for excellence without the demanding perfectionistic ideals that typically detract from self-worth.

Perfectionistic overthinkers often benefit from teachers and mentors who are willing to challenge their unrealistic expectations and help them accept their imperfections. If perfectionism becomes overwhelming, counseling with a licensed mental health professional may be necessary.

3. Endless worry

When worry persists, it burrows deep into your psyche and overtakes all sense of reason or confidence. At this point, overthinking can morph into “rumination,” defined as “prolonged, and recurrent negative thinking about one’s self, emotions, personal concerns, and life experiences,” according to Harvard Medical School researchers Alice Flaherty and colleagues.

Persistent rumination fuels negative feelings like depression or anxiety which, in turn, lead to further ruminative thinking enlisted to alleviate those very unpleasant emotions.

It’s an endless cycle that just won’t quit.

Rumination is reinforced by the belief that rethinking the past or predicting future mishaps will eradicate the problem. This goes well beyond overthinking’s healthy counterparts of introspection, curiosity, and self-awareness. Overthinkers rework every potential glitch in their plans and torture themselves with “what-ifs” and worst-case-scenarios.

A tendency toward rumination may stem from a genetic/biological predisposition, a response to trauma, or just a very active mind. But ruminative thinking can lead to anxiety disorders, according to Flaherty and colleagues, and can contribute to the onset of depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, and even suicidal thoughts.

Finding alternative strategies or limiting “thinking time” are a few options, but sometimes, psychotherapy or medication are necessary to quell ruminative thoughts.

4. Distracted by too many choices

Some gifted overthinkers may become overwhelmed by choices. They freeze on multiple-choice tests when presented with too many options. They second-guess their answers. They obsess over choosing an essay topic when their mind swirls with so many possibilities. Rather than appreciate their ability to generate multiple ideas or analyze information from different perspectives, they feel anxious and overwhelmed instead.

With a mind that races from one fascinating idea to the next, gifted people can be distracted by their own imagination and creativity. It is easy to ignore the tedious task at hand when your mind conjures up thoughts that are so much more entertaining. In fact, some gifted children are misdiagnosed as having ADHD (attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder) because of their high energy level and difficulty focusing on a task.

Too many options can feel overwhelming when choosing a college major or career path. Multiple abilities, often described as multipotentiality, may seem like an asset, but can contribute to the burden of narrowing down career options. Attempts to juggle competing interests and tackling more than one pursuit or career goal may be overwhelming. Any eventual selection that eliminates other options can evoke anxiety and existential angst over the road not taken.

The busy minds and multiple interests of some gifted overthinkers can create an organizational bottleneck Their greatest challenge is learning to pace themselves, slow down, and develop executive functioning and mindfulness skills to focus on one task at a time. Regardless of how well they think they can multi-task, a distracted focus takes its toll. Learning to pay closer attention to one interest, task, and person at a time is essential.

5. Hijacked by shame

For some gifted people, shame is the culprit behind overthinking and drives negative, ruminative thinking. What if they discover I’m not really that smart? What if I don’t succeed? Maybe I don’t really belong in this advanced class.

Shame gathers steam when gifted children are chastised for “showing off.” Or shamed for correcting a teacher. Or teased about the occasional low test score. Or when they realize that other children think they are weird.

Early experiences with shame may become internalized and last into adulthood, affecting self-esteem, skewing perceptions about achievement, and solidifying unhealthy coping strategies. Shame fuels obsessing and overthinking, which in turn, drives even more shame-based fears. Many feel they are not entitled to relish their accomplishments and even the activities they enjoy.

Overcoming shame-based overthinking requires support and reassurance, finding a niche of like-minded peers, and sometimes, counseling to address low self-esteem and negative thoughts and feelings.

Taming this particular beast

Overthinking can become a stubbornly entrenched pattern that creates the illusion of safe harbor.

It reassures the overthinker, who assumes that by acquiring just enough knowledge, and reviewing every possible option, the right solution will emerge.

Like gamblers — who who have lost their fortunes, but still assume that next time they’ll get lucky — overthinkers dismiss their misery and stick to the belief that obsessive thinking and planning will provide relief if they just think longer and harder.

What eludes them, though, is the realization that mistakes happen, that they will survive (and even learn from) disappointment, and overthinking makes things worse.

A mindful perspective is an essential first step, as described in psychiatrist Mark Epstein’s aptly titled book, Thoughts Without a Thinker. More than a meditation technique, mindfulness fosters a mindful state; it is an approach to remaining attuned to the present moment and accepting thoughts as something to be observed rather than obeyed. Learning to view thoughts (and worries) with curiosity can block the emotional spike that often precedes anxiety and overthinking.

While psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional can address some of the causes of overthinking (including trauma experiences or patterns of reactivity that stem from childhood) and provide guidance and support to circumvent overthinking, healthy forms of self-reflection (that you can do on your own) can also help to challenge negative thoughts and expectations.

When overthinking strikes, it may be helpful to ask yourself or your child the following questions for self-reflection:

What is the worst that could happen… and what is the likelihood that the worst will happen?

Where is the data? If I were a scientist, what facts would support or dispel my beliefs?

Will this matter five years from now?

Is this consistent with what is important to me and to my values?

How can I focus on what is happening right now in this moment, rather than on the past or what might occur in the future?

What other coping strategies can I use?

How can I gather strength and learn from my disappointments?

When gifted overthinkers unburden themselves from anxiety, shame and uncertainty, thinking can resume its role as an expansive source of joy and creativity.

If you or your child are tormented by overthinking, get the help you need. Reclaim thinking for what it once was before negative thoughts and emotions took hold.

A similar version of this article was published on Substack.

Parenting Advice You Should Ignore

2026-06-21T08:58:54.170-04:00

What to look for and what to avoid

Image: Shutterstock/Fizkes

Parenting is a mixed bag of joy, exhaustion, and powerful emotions. It is especially daunting when raising a highly intense gifted or twice-exceptional child. I’ve been there. I’ve experienced it. And I know how valuable sound advice is during times of uncertainty.

But there is a problem lurking in the field of parenting guidance. Enough of a problem, that I am going out on a limb as I write this.

I realize this may piss off some folks. I may receive some nasty comments. I am okay with taking that risk, though, since it is vital that families use intention and caution when selecting resources for their children… and for themselves as parents.

So here goes…

Times have changed

When my kids were in school, parenting resources were pretty slim. There were some great classic parenting books, but that was it.

So, I winged it.

Certainly, I sought advice from friends, pediatricians, and colleagues. And as a clinical psychologist, I was fortunate to have solid grounding in child development and healthy parenting practices.

Even so, parenting wasn’t always easy.

Advice, advice everywhere!

But times have changed, and now, parenting advice and resources can be found just about everywhere: websites, podcasts, webinars, blogs, and social media parent groups.

Some of these resources provide a much-needed breath of fresh air. It can be a relief to find a group of like-minded adults who truly get you and understand your child-raising challenges. Ditto for resources when a child has special needs, such as a medical, behavioral, or mental health problem, a developmental delay, or a learning disability.

Unfortunately, this has led to an upsurge in, shall we say, questionable advice. There are self-proclaimed experts and coaches — many of whom have little or sometimes no actual training in counseling, medicine, or education.

They offer advice solely based on their personal experience, often oblivious to how much they don’t know.

How peer support differs from other types of support

I have no problem with peer support.

In fact, if I had a bullhorn, I would broadcast the value of peer support far and wide.

As a psychologist, I refer clients to support groups and 12-step meetings all the time. I advocate widely, for example, about the essential importance of peer support for families of gifted children, which is a subspecialty in my psychotherapy and consulting practice.

Peer support for families is a powerful vehicle for information and guidance. But whether seeking advice from friends and neighbors or participating in a parenting group, you know you’re receiving advice from your peers.

But here is the problem…

Some folks step beyond the role of peer support to monetize their opinions.

Some may be well-intentioned, kind-hearted, smart, and experts in their respective careers. But they are not trained as educators or pediatricians or psychotherapists or reading specialists or neuropsychologists or any other professional in the field of child development.

Instead, these so-called experts claim expertise based on their own personal experience as a parent. They’re not just sharing personal wisdom; they are claiming expertise.

Some “influencers” start out by sharing their child-raising experiences. They might be great writers or engaging podcasters or social media stars. But their insistent claims about parenting approaches or disciplinary strategies or misdiagnoses are shared with an element of presumed authority.

And for some, there is intentional deception.

There are folks with an alphabet soup of letters after their names, implying credibility. There are allusions to mental health training, when in fact, it is marginal or non-existent. There are attempts to capitalize on others’ vulnerabilities.

So, what’s so bad about claiming the spotlight and giving advice?

When influencers transition into the role of life coach or workshop leader and charge for advice… well, that crosses a line. By hanging out a shingle proclaiming expertise, they deceptively present themselves as an expert and set up a power differential that implies skill, training, experience, and a solid knowledge base. It implies a legitimate authority to guide, educate, counsel, coach, or mentor you.

As a licensed psychologist, my training and experience inform my work. My training also provides the clarity to know the limits of my expertise. (In fact, licensed psychotherapists are not permitted to practice beyond their scope of training and experience.)

Unfortunately, many untrained, minimally trained, or unlicensed folks are not bound by such constraints.

Some boldly offer parenting advice or claim expertise as educators or offer counseling via workshops or individual consultations, despite the absence of training. Some engage in questionable and transactional relationships to acquire or even purchase endorsements.

I personally would not trust these folks. I hope you use caution as well.

So, buyer beware!

Parents are often desperate for support. I get it. I don’t blame anyone for seeking advice, even if the “provider” is persuasive or sounds too good to be true. I sought parenting support from friends, colleagues, and parents of neighborhood children on a regular basis. It is cathartic to share stories and concerns and hear a trusted friends’ advice. Compassionate commiseration has its benefits.

But if you are investing your trust and hard-earned money, pay attention to what the person selling their wares is truly offering.

How to separate the wheat from the chaff

1. Learn more

Seek out referrals from those you trust. Ask questions. Shop around. No coach or psychotherapist is perfect and we all make mistakes. Psychotherapists should be licensed, and ideally, have many years of acquired experience. Licensure laws exist to protect the public; licensed mental health professionals have at least the minimum level of training and must take continuing education classes to expand their knowledge.

Make sure that any life coach has a solid foundation in mental health or education, and not merely a brief credentialing course in life coaching. Ideally, coaching is best when targeting a specific question or problem (such as executive functioning skills, SAT prep, or identifying career choices) and not touted as a replacement for psychotherapy, or “therapy lite.”

2. Trust your gut

If it sounds too good to be true, run the other way!

Scrutinize glossy websites and be wary of testimonials or boasts of outsized results. (In fact, licensing laws restrict psychologists from soliciting testimonials from clients, as this can create a conflict of interest.) Trust your instincts when faced with coercive schemes or where pressure or shaming are used to recruit participants (as I described in this example of weight management coaching).

Be especially wary of folks with only a scant amount of training, or sometimes, no training at all. Or those who use titles (such as a doctoral degree in an unrelated field) to imply expertise in education or medicine or mental health.

Unfortunately, in an era where lying and exaggeration are commonplace and where social media influencers readily offer advice, it falls on us as consumers to read between the lines. Scams and false claims occur in any field (not just politics!). This article, for example, describes a social media icon who proclaimed his status as a monk and spiritual guide, and whose deceptions were eventually exposed.

Take your child’s (and your own) needs seriously by finding someone who is the right fit, whose expertise is credible, and whose guidance you can trust.

3. Consider the value of true peer support

Join a local parenting support group or start one with friends or through your child’s school. Seek out other parents whose child might have similar special needs — whether in specialized areas of interest or due to a disability.

Some parenting groups found on social media sites can be tremendously supportive. But use discretion with how much you disclose about your child. If it involves a sensitive concern, ask the site’s administrator to post anonymously.

If you join a workshop or support group where you must pay for services, make sure you understand the group leader’s role. While they might be charging for their time and energy, clarity is needed regarding whether they possess the expertise to offer you direct advice or guidance.

Your desire to learn more and enlist guidance attests to your investment in supporting your child. Gather all the advice and information you can find. But ground yourself in clarity about the credibility of any outside source before seeking their guidance.

A similar article was published on Medium.

The Truth about Authoritative Parenting

2026-06-05T07:53:00.820-04:00

An alternative to misguided parenting approaches from a psychologist and parent

Image: Pexels/August de Richelieu

Parenting is tough.

Children try our patience through demands and relentless appeals. Especially gifted children, who are often intense, highly sensitive, and exhibit endless curiosity. But responding with parenting behaviors that ultimately backfire — harsh punishment, inflexible rules, or conversely, attempts to avoid conflict by removing all limits and expectations — create more problems than they solve.

What gets lost in the endless conversations and wealth of articles and books about child-raising is that two basic concepts combine the necessary ingredients for effective parenting: love and limits — the hallmark features of authoritative parenting.

The benefits of authoritative parenting

Raising our two rambunctious boys was challenging at best. Their boundless energy and persistence were a strain.

What kept us grounded, though, was an investment in providing a warm, loving environment and setting clear limits and boundaries.

Almost 60 years of research, launched by psychology researcher Diana Baumrind, consistently highlights the advantages of authoritative parenting… the sweet spot between overly permissive, “anything goes” parenting and a rigid, harsh authoritarian stance.

Authoritative parents are generous with their love and compassion. They emphasize good communication and listen intently to their child (even if they don’t always agree). They provide clear rules and limits that are reasonable and consistent but allow for flexibility when it is best for the child or the family. They can withstand temporary outbursts and even help their child manage and regulate their emotions.

When children feel loved and accepted, despite their flaws and transgressions, and when they are offered a consistent framework of reasonable rules and structure, they feel safe to explore the world at large. Children raised in authoritative families typically exhibit healthy social and coping skills, a secure attachment style, and a positive self-concept.

They know there is a safety net at home, and although aware that misbehavior can result in consequences, they don’t fear harsh punishment. Their parents don’t berate them with demeaning words, shame them for their feelings, withhold love, or terrorize them with physical violence.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends authoritative parenting, and notes its positive impact on behavior and mental health. It is also associated with higher levels of academic achievement.

And positive effects extend well beyond childhood, as described in a study of young adults, where their childhood experience of authoritative parenting was associated with higher levels of life satisfaction.

Authoritative parenting is good parenting!

The downside of authoritarian parenting

Most research has demonstrated the negative effects of authoritarian parenting, where harsh, rigid rules predominate, extreme punishment becomes normative, and it’s “my way or the highway.” As I wrote previously, physical punishment and rigid expectations typically backfire, and can instill traumatic fears, or alternatively, acting out against a home life that feels unsafe.

When children try our patience, it is tempting to unleash our own pent-up emotions; slapping a child, name-calling, and shaming them for their impulses might seem the only readily available response.

Historically, authoritarian parenting was the norm. “Spare the rod; spoil the child” was the dogma generations of families upheld. Physical punishment has been repeatedly identified as harmful. Unfortunately, some parents adhere to this still, whether due to values accrued from their own childhoods, or desperation to quell their child’s burgeoning autonomy (replete with conflict).

They justify shaming or physical punishment since it appears to halt their out-of-control child in their tracks, at least temporarily.

But a harsh, rigid parenting approach typically backfires.

In a research review of different parenting styles, Baumrind found that authoritarian parenting was associated with higher levels of behavioral problems, frustration, and insecurity, and lower levels of social competence.

Children raised in authoritarian homes often feel insecure, angry, and reluctant to seek help when necessary. Terrified of misbehaving, some suppress their healthy drive for independence and follow the family’s rules without hesitation. Others might give up trying to please their family and become angry and rebellious. Many lose respect for parents who seem so distant or demanding.

I have seen these outcomes on a regular basis in my clinical psychology practice, where the emotional pain accrued from living through an authoritarian childhood extends well into adulthood. Authoritarian parenting strategies might seem like a quick fix, but instead, contribute to long-term consequences.

What’s so bad about permissive parenting?

Some parents, eager to reject the authoritarian parenting practices of yore, swing to the other end of the pendulum.

Choosing a more compassionate, child-centered, empathetic parenting approach seems to make sense; children certainly benefit from love and empathy. They need to feel understood, know that their emotions are accepted, and view their parents as safe, reassuring people.

Where permissive parenting fails, though, is when families assume that limits, rules, or consequences might somehow harm their child. They cannot tolerate their child’s anger and may view them as too fragile to accept limits.

But without reasonable expectations and consequences, children sense a power imbalance that is ultimately troubling to them.

Children often feel insecure and confused when there are no rules, when parents allow them to roam free with little supervision, or when they are not held accountable for misbehavior. These are the children who speak rudely to any authority figure, who try (and often succeed) with bossing their parents around, and who use meltdowns and sometimes threats of self-harm or violence to assert control.

In a recent ADDitude Magazine article, licensed social worker Ryan Wexelblatt points out that property destruction, violence toward siblings, or threats of self-harm can occur when limits are absent and when parents always acquiesce to the child’s demands:

“Research shows that accommodating a child’s emotional reactions increases emotional and behavioral problems. Those behaviors intensify when children learn that distress or threats lead to getting what they want… The child learns to use these behaviors to control the home, and the longer they go unaddressed, the more normalized they become.”

Love and limits

Parents can feel more grounded with a clear plan of what to expect, what to overlook, and an appreciation that their attuned, yet imperfect parenting is sufficient.

Research (and common sense) show that expressions of love and compassion, clear and open communication, and reasonable limits are best for both the child and the family. This includes a healthy dose of empathy, a safe and loving environment, an attunement to each child’s unique needs, a refusal to use physical violence or verbal shaming to enforce rules, and a commitment to managing your own emotions.

If you are struggling with how to handle the overwhelm of child-raising, consider seeking help from a licensed mental health professional, pediatrician, parenting group, or other local resources geared toward parenting. And as I wrote previously in my book about parenting gifted children, consider self-reflection and an exploration of your parenting values, along with finding the support you might need as you weather tough times.

Here are a few helpful books about parenting:

Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond behaviors: Using brain science and compassion to understand and solve children’s behavioral challenges. PESI Publishing.

Greene, R. (2016). Raising human beings: Creating a collaborative partnership with your child. Scribner.

Nelson, J. (2006). Positive discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Ballantine Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. Tarcher Perigee.

*Please note that the above suggestions in this article are informational and not meant as mental health or medical guidance.*

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

What Students Just Might Hate the Most about School

2026-02-22T20:10:00.040-05:00

What’s the most frequent complaint I hear about school from teens in my psychotherapy practice?

Group projects.

They hate them. Dread them. Feel entrapped by them.

Typically, there is conflict. Even more frequently, one sorry soul comes forward and drags the group along, taking on 90% of the burden. Social dynamics abound, with heightened fears about popularity, judgment for “caring too much,” resentment about shepherding the slackers, and disgust toward teachers for the requirement.

Of course, I heard the same complaints from my kids when they were in school. And thankfully, my own vague personal memory of classroom projects has receded, since none of those memories were positive.

The actual content of the project is secondary to the students’ confusion about how to cooperate, collaborate, and motivate each other toward a goal. And if parents, teachers, and coaches have trouble enlisting students’ cooperation and motivation, how can we expect a group of middle school and high school students to succeed on their own?

Why this practice persists

Encouraging collaboration, team-building, cooperation, and leadership skills through group activities are wonderful aspirations. I get it. Helping students evolve into productive citizens who communicate effectively and work collaboratively are worthwhile goals.

Here’s the glitch, though: these “soft skills” (such as communication, empathy, cooperation, flexibility, and critical thinking skills) are vital for success in school and in the workforce. But they don’t just happen spontaneously. Developing soft skills requires education, training, role-modeling, and practice.

You wouldn’t throw a young child into the deep end without swimming lessons.

Yet, students are grouped together with no training in how to work with each other. No lessons in collaboration, brainstorming, respectful communication, time management, organizational planning, and conflict resolution.

It’s remarkable that more kids don’t rebel.

Some changes ahead through social/emotional learning

Fortunately, some schools are offering strategies to build soft skills early. In addition to the executive functioning skills training many schools now provide (which involves planning, organizational skills, time management, and goal-setting), some schools offer social and emotional learning (SEL) training — a foundation for working collaboratively and efficiently that can extend benefits well beyond the school years. According to researchers Eui Kyong Kim and colleagues:

“Social-emotional learning involves the development of skills like self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship building, and responsible decision-making. These skills are necessary for fostering healthy relationships, effective communication, self-regulation, and preventing harm to others. Furthermore, research has shown that students’ ability to understand and manage their emotions and relationships is linked to academic and career success.”

Research has shown that it’s not just communication and interpersonal comfort that improves. In a meta-analytic review (a review of studies), researchers Cheyeon Ha and colleagues found that SEL interventions contributed to better academic achievement, higher GPA and test scores, and improved achievement in both literacy and math.

In his book, Parenting from the Heart, psychologist Steven Pfeiffer provides a “heart strengths” model and outlines the social and emotional skills necessary to help children thrive. These include the capacity for persistence, frustration tolerance, kindness, generosity, humility, good social judgment, and empathy. These essential skills are not solely the product of astute parenting; they can be taught by teachers, coaches, and any person raising or educating youth.

Two recent examples of schools-based interventions supporting the benefits from SEL training include the following:

· In a study of 900 students, researchers at the University of Cambridge found that empathy skills can be taught. A brief course in empathy training resulted in improvement in conduct, emotional awareness, and even curiosity about different cultures.

· A recent Edutopia article described how students can become less defensive and more open to constructive feedback. This capacity develops when self-regulation abilities and confidence are enhanced through practice and role-modeling.

What about the critics?

Unfortunately, some critics scoff at the importance of soft skills, especially those with political agendas that view empathy and collaboration as a threat. In an article describing the backlash against empathy, The Utah Education Association provides guidelines for supporting SEL education in the classroom and for speaking with those who oppose it.

The National Education Association offers guidelines for implementing SEL training as well as advocacy efforts when faced with criticism about these programs. The Fordham Institute also provides helpful tips when confronted with opposition.

When children are told to “go outside and play nicely,” those instructions often fall on deaf ears. Kids know that punching their friend is not a good plan, but often lack alternative skills for more calmly reacting when conflict arises.

Interpersonal dynamics play an outsized role in classroom group projects. Instead of throwing students into the deep end and expecting them to swim, it falls on educators and families to guide children to arrive safely on shore.

Without repeated skills-building strategies, role modeling, and an opportunity to practice new behaviors, children will ignore instructions that make no sense. Their take-away from most classroom group projects is distrust and disgust toward an educational system that expects collaborative work but offers little guidance.

It is incumbent upon us as parents, teachers, psychotherapists, coaches, and mentors to help our children and students develop the life skills they need for academic and career success, resilience, healthy interpersonal relationships, and for their role as caring and responsible citizens in a somewhat fractured and divisive world.

As similar version of this article was published on Medium.

What Families Wish the 'Experts' Knew about Gifted and Twice-Exceptional Children

2026-02-11T20:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, "professionals" don't get it. Here's what they might not understand.

Your child is gifted. Or neurodivergent. Or twice-exceptional (a combination of both).

But sometimes the “experts” don’t get it.

Perhaps you have spoken with pediatricians or school counselors or psychotherapists or life coaches or experienced teachers and none of them fully get it. They mean well, but may assume that your cognitively gifted child (frequently identified as having an IQ of 130 or higher) “will do just fine,” regardless of their education.

They don’t grasp your child’s intensity or overthinking. They don’t appreciate the insidious effects of perfectionism or isolation or “impostor syndrome.” They don’t understand the depth of executive functioning challenges or distractibility or sensory sensitivity. And they may not recognize underachievement in a child whose neurodivergent condition complicates traditional learning approaches, or who receives relatively good grades, but coasts through school with little effort.

Sometimes the experts don’t fully grasp that your child craves learning like other kids crave recess. That they were never “hot-housed” or test-prepped into success. That they can still feel bored in “advanced” classes or an expensive private school. That they might possess multipotentialities: they can be academically gifted and a talented artist and an elite athlete.

And as I wrote recently, you might feel chastised or shamed when you advocate for your child. You may be used to random conversations with neighbors, extended family, or even well-meaning friends who don’t understand your struggles.

But somehow, you expected more from those in positions of authority.

And if your child is “twice-exceptional” — both gifted and neurodivergent — many professionals are unsure about how to address their complex learning and social/emotional needs. Attempts to tackle learning challenges due to ADHD, ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), a learning disability, or sensory sensitivities might include a structured protocol that does not fully account for their intensity or aversion to certain routines or difficulty using traditional organizational strategies.

What most parents wish the experts knew about giftedness

Unfortunately, many well-meaning, highly trained experts in their respective fields may have little understanding of giftedness or how neurodivergence is expressed. There may be so much you wish they understood about your child… or a day in your life. Here are a few examples:

1. Giftedness is not a choice… neither is a twice-exceptional condition

You don’t get to choose your intellectual ability or brain functioning any more than your eye color. Giftedness is unrelated to race, gender, income, ethnicity, test-prepping, or hard work. You can’t stop being gifted. However, an impoverished environment or lackluster education will suppress gifted abilities, and often lead to underachievement, inertia, or hopelessness.

2. Gifted children crave learning as long as it is challenging, stimulating, and creative

Their school environment and their comfort expressing themselves and revealing their abilities (without fear of reprisal from peers) is critical. A flexible academic environment, equipped with teachers who truly understand giftedness, and with options for ability grouping, clustering, and acceleration, is essential. And despite claims that gifted students will thrive at just about any college, the importance of finding the right fit is just as essential in college as in the earlier years.

3. Gifted children do not fit any one particular stereotype

Some are introverted and socially anxious; others are confident leaders. Some are perfectionistic and achievement-oriented; others hide their talents so they can fit in with peers. Many are highly sensitive, creative, and empathetic, with an acute sense of fairness and justice. Some are twice-exceptional and have learning challenges in addition to their gifted intellect. Many also possess multipotentialities and face a range of academic, creative, and career choices.

4. Many gifted children have difficulty finding friends or fitting in with same-age peers, regardless of their social skills

They may never fit in with the “cool kids” and might bristle when unfairness toward others is the entry ticket to the popular crowd. Some exhibit signs of asynchronous development, which can contribute to a lag in social maturity. Many feel like outliers, regardless of their popularity status. Unless they find other children with similar interests and views, they may become isolated and insecure.

5. Sometimes, gifted children are misdiagnosed

This happens when traits associated with giftedness are misunderstood as related to another condition. For example, an active, highly energetic gifted child might be incorrectly labeled with a diagnosis of ADHD. Other times, problems that are psychological in nature can be attributed to giftedness, and concerns that warrant treatment may be ignored. Sometimes pediatricians, psychotherapists, and life coaches (who lack training in mental health or counseling) miss this distinction. Anyone working with a gifted child or family must understand the complex interplay between giftedness and psychological, social, emotional, and intellectual factors, especially when a child is twice-exceptional.

6. Parenting a gifted child brings unique challenges

Parents worry about their child’s future, often assume the burden of advocacy at school, and may feel isolated from other parents who don’t understand their concerns. In our research on parenting worries and concerns, conducted along with my colleague, Dr. Kali Fedor, we found that parents of twice-exceptional children expressed an even greater level of worry and concern than parents whose child did not have a coexisting condition. (More to come about this research in a future article.)

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children struggle to navigate their child’s emotional and academic needs. But they also have their own emotional reactions. Anxiety, guilt, anger, and obsessive worry — these emotions are all too familiar to parents of gifted children. As I described in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, parents need support! Yet unfortunately, they often encounter misunderstanding, judgment, and criticism.

What you can do

When advocating for your child, you can tactfully provide information that may be counter to what the professional assumes. Approach them with curiosity about their opinions, and emphasize a collaborative spirit. Professionals who work with children want to help them succeed and feel good about themselves. You are both on the same side!

Offer to collaborate, provide additional information, and emphasize that you have a different perspective, given what you see in your child at home or in other situations. Ask for referrals for additional neuropsychological testing (if indicated), extracurricular activities that might support your child’s specialized interests, or what additional options or services are available within the school. And keep in mind that sometimes, schools, teachers, and other professionals get it right!

Most importantly, find support for yourself. Cultivate a group of friends, other parents of gifted children, or extended family members who will listen to your worries, provide support, and withhold judgment. The more you take care of yourself, the easier and more fulfilling the parenting journey.

A similar version of this article was recently published on Medium.

Please Stop Shaming Gifted Children and their Families

2026-01-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

Gifted terminology is the problem... not the child or their parents.

After reading yet another opinion article* equating gifted cognitive abilities with pushy parenting, I felt compelled to speak out…once again.

As a clinical psychologist who works with gifted teens and adults, the parent of gifted young adults, and an author who has written widely about giftedness and neurodiversity, I am troubled that stereotypes and misinformation persist.

Gifted cognitive abilities (often identified by an IQ score of at least 130, two standard deviations above the norm) can be nurtured through environmental stimulation, but ultimately, giftedness reflects divergent brain functioning. We’re talking brain differences — not achievement aspirations. Unfortunately, some people incorrectly assume gifted kids are hot-housed or prepped by wildly overinvolved parents.

Problems with the label

The “gifted” label is often the problem.

Yes, of course all children are special and a gift to their families. The use of gifted terminology, though, is often construed to imply that cognitively gifted people are somehow special or better. This stokes envy and bitterness, and can lead to assumptions that gifted cognitive ability is merely high achievement in disguise.

Platitudes such as “every child is gifted” or “giftedness is just a gift waiting to be unwrapped” are pervasive.

And while a challenging education or dedicated practice are essential, you can’t force giftedness any more than you can become an NBA star without some inherent talent. The public understands this regarding sports stars or talented musicians; it is much harder to accept, though, when it applies to cognitive abilities.

How the label got started

While equating giftedness with talent has persisted for centuries, this unfortunate terminology was officially coined in the 1920’s to describe exceptional cognitive abilities. Since then, the gifted label has remained as shorthand for conveying a cognitively advanced person’s capacity to absorb and process information with greater depth, speed, and intensity, all of which sometimes leads to outstanding achievements.

Recent attempts to change the label have included defining giftedness within the broader context of neurodiversity or neurocomplexity, aligning it with other brain differences, such as ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Regardless of how you define it, though, cognitively gifted students often remain unidentified and overlooked in schools tailored to the norm (particularly students who are persons of color, English Language Learners, or have a coexisting learning disability).

And without a challenging education, many gifted students coast through school with little to show for it. They experience boredom, disengagement, underachievement, and at the very least, a deficit in executive functioning skills (such as planning and time management) that can hamper later success in higher education or the work force.

Parents of the gifted struggle

In my psychotherapy practice, I have never encountered parents of gifted children who pushed their child to achieve. Never. In fact, achievement is rarely a priority. Instead, parents are often desperate to help their child find a meaningful education — one where they are not relentlessly bored.

Families raising gifted children rarely view giftedness as an amazing “gift.” They often describe feeling overwhelmed by their child’s intensity, heightened emotional sensitivities, or asynchronous development, where maturity lags behind intellect. They worry when their child loses interest in school and their zest for learning disappears. And they feel heartbroken when their child is misunderstood or rejected by same-aged peers.

Many gifted children also have twice-exceptional conditions (such as a learning disability or ADHD) which complicates their ability to thrive in school. In recently published study in Gifted Education International, my colleague, Kali Fedor, Ed.D. and I surveyed over 800 parents of gifted children. Most struggled with worries and concerns about their child’s academic, social, or emotional development, but not surprisingly, parents of twice-exceptional children reported significantly greater levels of worry and concern. (More about this study will be shared in a future article.)

Parents also struggle to find safe outlets where they can express their joys and concerns. Many refrain from conversations about their child’s accomplishments or struggles. In my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-Discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children, parents’ comments elicited through an online survey were included. This comment below exemplifies their sense of differentness and isolation:

“As a parent, you experience moments of intense joy, sadness, and misunderstanding. It’s not easy for anyone to understand that a 4-year-old can talk about world problems, but he cries when someone takes away his train toy… Sadly, society has a tendency to exclude the different. Anything outside the norm has a tendency to be discriminated against, bullied, or in most cases, left out.”

The gift of advocacy

When you live every day with a gifted child, navigate their intensity and sensitivity, despair when their school overlooks their needs, and hold back tears when they are rejected by peers — you understand the highs and lows of giftedness.

You already know that problems arise when schools ignore the needs of gifted children and refuse to provide a challenging education. And you know that when children are not offered a clear, matter-of-fact framework for understanding giftedness, they will likely form their own conclusions and may internalize any stigma and shaming they observe directed toward people like them.

As I commented previously:

“We would never accept this normalization of stigma and disparagement toward people based on race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, or learning struggles. Yet, gifted children are routinely shamed for their inherent abilities. They did not “choose” to possess a highly active mind, heightened intensities, or a drive for learning that may surpass the academic needs of their peers. As parents, educators, counselors, and legislators, we need to stop the misconceptions, false assumptions, and marginalization of gifted education — all of which can contribute to a false sense of self, confusion, and shame among the gifted.”

So, I am calling upon you to rise up and commit to advocacy and actively challenge misconceptions— whenever you hear them:

· Any false beliefs, alarmist criticism, and tired stereotypes.

· Any attempts to conflate gifted education with elitism or favoritism or harm to other students.

· Any assumptions that giftedness does not exist, or that kids can stop being gifted, or that eliminating gifted programs will solve the problems that besiege so many schools.

· Any public shaming of these children and their families.

I have commented widely that you, as parent of a gifted a child, are enlisted as an ambassador for giftedness. You might have never expected or asked for this role. Yet, it falls on you to educate others wherever you go. On the sidelines at soccer games. At school board meetings. At holiday meals with misinformed family members. With sports coaches or camp counselors or even some educators. In conversations where adults assume you have prepped your child. Through school-based and legislative advocacy. And through commentary when click-bait articles perpetuate harmful stereotypes.

Let’s get to work and stand up for these children and their families!

Additional information and resources about giftedness are available through your state or province-based gifted education association, the NAGC (National Association for Gifted Children), and SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted).

*Please note that I chose not to link to the opinion piece I referenced. I did not want to further legitimize the author’s false claims by publishing it.

The image above was curtousy of Pexels/Ron Lach. A similar version of this article was previously posted on Medium.

Avoid these “Worst” College Visitation Mistakes

2026-01-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

Photo: The author/Lehigh University Student Center

It’s college visitation season right now.

As a parent, some of my most beloved road trips involved college visits, where my sons and I compared notes, and often (surprisingly) had quite similar perspectives on what we observed.

Some visits were eye-opening. One of my sons had little interest in a college that (to me) seemed like an amazing school. On a tour of New England colleges, I convinced him to visit said college…and he loved it! In fact, he ended up attending the school a year later (tip: sometimes parents know their kids pretty darn well, and sense what college might be a good fit!).

Other times, we fled the scene.

On one visit, we were surprised to find a nun, in full black religious habit, greeting visitors at the information session. While she was very welcoming and kind, her presence sent a clear visceral message that anyone who wasn’t Catholic might not quite fit in, despite website claims to the contrary.

As a psychologist, I have heard stories from countless teens and their families about their reassuring/disappointing/funny college visits. Both parents and their children learned a lot about what is most meaningful beyond the glitter and the school’s marketing strategies.

College visitation advice that misses the mark

Conventional wisdom found online sometimes conveys unhelpful or useless advice, and may not be particularly relevant to your child’s unique needs. Often, the most essential information is unavailable, creating false impressions and inaccurate takeaways. These suggestions are particularly relevant for families of gifted children. Keep this in mind on your visits, and consider avoiding these “worst” college visitation tips:

Bad tip #1: Skip the information session

Some online advice suggests skipping the information sessions in favor of the tour. Although info sessions can seem redundant when they cover facts already listed on the college website, they still provide a window into the school’s values, priorities, and admission criteria…especially if you listen carefully and read between the lines.

Pay attention to the overt and subtle messages conveyed by the speaker, whether they are welcoming or seem annoyed by questions, and if the information is clear and relevant or more like a pep rally full of stats about sports teams and famous alumni.

Even if the information conveyed is vague and filled with fluff, you may pick up useful gems about the college’s general attitudes about education that may play a critical role in the decision-making process.

Bad tip #2: Stick to the tour

College tours can be deceiving.

Tours are designed to impress and to cover presumably appealing highlights about the campus — college landmarks, beautiful buildings, the library, a new gymnasium — but may not provide the information you and your child need. On one tour, we were ushered into a gorgeous cathedral filled with soaring rafters and sparkling stained glass. However, it was highly unlikely that my son would spend any time there as a student!

After the official tour ends, go on a tour of your own. Visit buildings you and your teen would like to see. If your child knows their potential major, visit the building where it’s housed. This is especially important with hands-on majors, such as art, music, theatre, engineering, and the sciences. Go to an extracurricular activity they plan to join. If they are an athlete, an actor, or a musician, for example, encourage them to visit the venues where they will be spending their time…and if possible, attend a sports game or concert.

Bad tip #3: Listen to your tour guide

Too many families overvalue the advice from tour guides during college visits. They rave about their ability to walk backwards, pepper them with “trick” questions about what really happens at campus parties, and expect truthful answers about problems at the school. Some even eliminate a college from their list because of a disappointing tour. Keep in mind, though, that most tour guides are 20-year-old students in work study jobs. You might obtain a snippet of inside information, but it is colored by the guide’s perspective or censored so they won’t get fired from their job.

Rather than expecting so much from these student guides, use the tour to notice the surroundings, buildings, current students, and those visiting on the tour along with you — who may end up as your child’s classmates. Does the campus and student body seem like a good fit for your child?

Bad tip #4: Pay attention to the dorm visit

Most families look forward to visiting a dorm room during their tour… tape measure in hand. While this can be informative, what you observe is only one of the many dorms on campus, and may not be representative of where your child will live. Instead, you might learn more from online campus tours and dorm room floor plans.

Similarly, eating in the dining hall may provide some perspective about whether the food seems edible, but one meal alone will not adequately reflect the quality of the dining services. What may be more beneficial while you’re there, though, is observing interactions among students, how quickly they can navigate the dining hall to access a meal, the variety of available foods, and options for dietary accommodations, if needed.

Bad tip #5: Sitting in on a class is a waste of time

Some people advise against sitting in on classes, since your teen might encounter a professor on a bad day, or one with a less than engaging teaching style. Nevertheless, your child can learn a lot from class attendance. They can witness the pace and complexity of instruction, picture themselves in the room as a college student, and determine whether the class is much too easy, just about right, or way too hard. They can see how professors interact with students, whether they encourage class participation, or merely lecture to them. They can view how engaged students are, whether they offer their ideas, or remain disinterested and glued to their phones.

If the college doesn’t provide a list of classes that your child can visit, suggest that they contact the school for more information about how to sit in on a class of interest. Often, contacting the department of their intended major can connect them with a professor who would welcome them for a visit. And observing several different classes is ideal, especially if visiting the college after acceptance.

Bad tip #6: Your child should decide where you visit

Your child certainly needs to make the final decision when choosing where to attend college. But sometimes, teens can discount certain colleges based on false impressions and biases and end up eliminating viable options (as I mentioned above about our college visits). Some teens are set on specific colleges because of prestige, its status as a party school, or whether or not Greek life predominates the social scene.

More relevant factors need to be considered, such as cost; financial aid; the school’s size and location (city, suburb, rural); distance from home; options for internships, research opportunities, or career placement; curriculum requirements; special accommodations (if needed); and diversity of the student population.

As their parent, you can also formulate a plan ahead of time, gently encourage visits to additional colleges not on their list, and challenge any initial misconceptions about these schools. Some high achieving students may set their sights on highly competitive “reach” schools and refuse to consider other choices. It is essential to include both academic and financial “safety” schools (where your child is likely to be admitted) and to have at least several realistic choices, since admission to your child’s dream school may not materialize.

Bottom line:

Get informed, learn as much as you can about colleges, recognize what your child needs — academically, socially, and emotionally — and use caution when following advice (even this article’s advice) found online. Visits aren’t for everyone… especially given travel costs. But if you have the time and money, a college visit can be an eye-opener…as well as a chance to bond with your child.

Recognize that most overworked guidance counselors may not have enough information to guide your child, and responsibility for the college search will fall on you. Be clear about costs, and let your child know if some schools are not affordable (before they set their sights on a college they can never attend).

Pay attention to your own personal needs, wishes, and fears, and try to separate these from what you consider the best course of action for your child. Remain available to offer suggestions, answer questions, and calm their nerves, but try to refrain from expressing too many opinions. Listen closely as your child shares whatever thoughts, impressions, excitement, or disappointments arise.

And enjoy this wonderful opportunity to share a unique experience with your child where together, you can envision their future!

Note: A version of this article was previously published on the Parenting Portal on Medium.

Gifted Adults and Relationships: Questions to Ask Yourself and Your Partner

2025-10-14T14:28:00.000-04:00

What you learn from self-reflection can lead to greater connection

Gifted adults are pretty darned smart. But sometimes, that intelligence doesn’t translate into relationship savvy.

What gives?

As described in Ten Sources of Relationship Stress among Gifted Adults, giftedness infuses a variety of intensities that can complicate matters for gifted people seeking romantic partners or when trying to express their needs in relationships.

Sometimes a tendency toward emotional reactivity, intensity, impatience, introversion or offbeat interests can create barriers and make life difficult for one’s partner.

Sometimes asynchronous development leads to a late start with forming relationships, so that connecting with a partner may seem awkward or overly complicated at first.

Sometimes insecurity or perfectionistic expectations about relationships or a driven, single-minded focus on work can create barriers to even finding a partner.

Gifted adults are also drawn to those with a similar IQ. Often the bottom line involves finding someone you can appreciate and respect, whose intellectual quickness, complexity, and intensity matches your own. However, this merger of gifted traits can complicate self-expression, conflict resolution, or even routine discussions.

There is no quick fix for relationship conflicts. Every couple has their struggles, gifted or not. But self-awareness is critical and is the most important step toward improving any relationship.

These are a few key questions you and your partner might ask yourselves

The questions below can be helpful for anyone; you don’t have to be gifted to reflect on your relationship and relational needs!

As a gifted person, though, keep in mind how your intensity, active mind, and heightened sensitivities play a role.

You might use these questions as journal prompts or as topics to discuss with your partner, friends, or therapist. You might record them with your own voice and then listen to them while walking, commuting, or during spiritual or meditative reflection.

1. What relational needs, fears, and values affect my interactions?

What are my true needs in any relationship?

What do I value most, and what is most important to me?

What are my greatest fears?

What are points of compromise and acceptance when we disagree? What can I accept and live with and what is non-negotiable?

2. Am I responding to my partner based on what they are really saying?

Am I actually listening to what they are saying rather than thinking about formulating a defensive response?

Am I reacting based on my needs and fears?

Am I making interpretations based on any of the following:

assumptions regarding my partner’s motives or intentions
preconceived ideas about relationships based on my upbringing, film and social media portrayals of couples, or my friends’ opinions
assumptions based on past reactions from my partner rather than considering that they might be open to change
peer/family expectations and pressure
unresolved residue from unhappy relationships in the past
fear of loss, rejection, or criticism
a desire to have my partner make up for loss, insecurity, or hurtful experiences from childhood

3. What role do I play in any conflicts?

What is my role in creating or perpetuating conflict in my relationship?

Do I have any expectations that my partner must compensate for negative childhood or relationship experiences? Am I assuming that my partner can alleviate all of my fears and insecurities?

Are gifted traits, such as impatience, heightened sensitivities, intense reactivity, boredom with routine tasks, or existential depression affecting how I relate to my partner?

How are my communications skills?

Am I communicating directly, honestly, and respectfully?
Am I avoiding use of derogatory, harsh, or disrespectful statements (or non-verbal behavior)?
Am I being clear, or are my interactions tinged with subtle (or not so subtle) motives or criticism?
Am I expressing myself before I feel overwhelmed with anger?
Am I using “I” statements to convey my personal experience, rather than pointing out all of my partner’s faults?
Am I willing to apologize when I am wrong?

4. How can I understand my partner’s needs more?

What do I know about my partner’s view of relationships, values, and communication? How does my partner’s family, upbringing, and personal values color their expectations about communication and how they express their needs?

Is my partner able to communicate openly, or do they need time to open up? What are the best times, situations, and approaches for reaching my partner?

5. What can I do to improve my relationship?

What can I bring to the relationship that would improve it? Would it benefit from more openness, self-awareness, time together, time apart, shared interests, romantic or sexual intimacy, humor, or unconditional support?

How can I show my partner that I respect, appreciate, and enjoy being with them, despite the daily and routine frustrations that occur in any relationship?

Is there unresolved anger from a past experience that we need to address and forgive?

When you hit a roadblock

Most relationships run into problems at some point; the challenge involves addressing conflicts early and finding a solution before an entrenched pattern develops. Every couple is different and need to discover what will best resolve the impasse. That’s why most “quick fixes” just don’t work. But asking yourselves the above-mentioned questions, either individually or as a couple, is an important step toward uncovering the problem and finding a solution.

If you cannot work this through together, couples therapy is sometimes a useful option, where a licensed mental health professional can provide objective feedback that will improve your communications. If you are overlooking or excusing very real abusive behavior from your partner, though, your safety is essential. Please to seek mental health guidance or contact your local crisis line.

Learning more about patterns couples face can be found in several classic books about relationships listed below:

Bernstein, J. & Magee, S. (2003). Why can’t you read my mind? Da Capo Press.

Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight. Little, Brown and Co.

A similar version of this article was also published on Substack.

When Gifted Education Gets it Right

2025-09-01T11:18:00.000-04:00

In retrospect, my kids had it easy.

They attended a reasonably challenging public school in a suburb outside of Philadelphia. Racially and ethnically diverse, the school championed innovative education and equity-based policies. Dedicated and kind teachers were the norm.

But like many parents raising a gifted child, my children’s learning needs were often ignored.

And I say “learning needs” rather than achievement or abilities. Because it was not about accomplishments or awards or any of the other false assumptions presumed to lurk underneath a parent’s motivations and concerns.

First, a quick overview of giftedness

Cognitive giftedness is usually identified through an individualized IQ test administered by a psychologist or neuropsychologist. Typically, someone with an IQ of 130 or higher, which is statistically more than two standard deviations above the mean score of 100, is considered gifted. However, additional criteria have been proposed, including exceptional creativity, motivation, task commitment, environmental influences that can enhance or hamper capabilities, and asynchronous development, where social/emotional maturity often lags behind intellectual capacity.

Despite these expanded views of giftedness, many children still remain unidentified because they don’t “look gifted” to the adults in charge.

Gifted under-identification is especially common among students who are English Language Learners, persons of color, or reside in impoverished neighborhoods, creating what researchers Jonathan Plucker and Scott Peters labeled an “excellence gap.” Essentially, those most in need of enrichment remain underserved.

Gifted under-identification also occurs when gifted children underachieve or mask their giftedness to fit in socially or when they have a twice-exceptional condition (such as ADHD or a learning disability) that obscures their strengths.

Giftedness amplifies social and emotional intensity, and can be tied to heightened sensitivity and reactivity to stress. Gifted kids may struggle with anxiety or perfectionistic tendencies and often feel like perpetual outliers.

Given these multiple social, emotional, and intellectual components, it’s not surprising that giftedness is a woefully misunderstood concept.

Even when gifted students are identified, most schools lack the financial resources or administrative initiative to provide a challenging education. Some view gifted education as a privileged, elitist construct, rather than a means of addressing learning differences. And when giftedness is acknowledged, many schools expect their already overburdened teachers to provide differentiated instruction to a classroom full of students with widely different academic needs (which is an almost impossible task).

Well-researched strategies, such as subject or grade acceleration or ability grouping are often ignored, with the unfair educational burden placed upon classroom teachers. But even the most well-intentioned and caring teachers have little time to focus on the 1–5% of students who are gifted.

What parents want

Most parents of gifted kids just want their child to thrive, or at least not despair, especially when rote assignments and endless boredom fill their days. They want to collaborate with their child’s teachers. They want to trust the school to support their child’s learning needs… and not merely assume said child “will do just fine,” regardless of their education.

As I wrote in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, research indicates that parents of gifted children are acutely attuned to the school’s deficiencies. And in my psychotherapy and consulting practice, I frequently hear their stories of frustration and despair. Desperate to support their child’s needs, and panicked about their child’s boredom and disillusionment, many are nevertheless quite hesitant to advocate and evoke perceptions that they are one of “those” hovering, pushy, over-involved parents.

When schools get it right

But sometimes, schools take an expansive look at how gifted students are taught. They ignore the naysayers and offer an innovative opportunity that challenges boredom and inertia. My kids weathered some rough patches in school. But there were shining moments of innovation, kindness, and clarity.

Here’s one example that worked… at least while it lasted.

The middle school quietly offered a sixth grade English/Language Arts class open to only advanced or gifted students. While there were two ELA sections — basic and accelerated — this class was even more challenging… a double accelerated option rarely offered at the school. More like a college seminar than a structured class, the students read challenging and complex novels, debated each other like junior attorneys, and explored concepts in depth. The kids loved the class, the teacher loved their enthusiasm and engagement, and parents were grateful for this rare opportunity.

And not only was it a cost-effective option, it provided students with a reprieve from the pressure to fit in with middle school culture. They could relax, express their enthusiasm for learning, and not worry that their “nerdiness” would leave them exposed and targeted for bullying.

But this class was a well-kept secret, coined the “super secret, double accelerated English class,” by us wary and weary parents who realized the class offering was on borrowed time. All too soon, administrators, school board members, and vocal parents within the community caught on, lobbing complaints that an advanced class was elitist. It was abolished after only a few years in existence; pressure to assimilate children into heterogeneous classroom structures drove the decision.

The appearance of cognitive equity was viewed as more important than these students’ actual cognitive differences, whose learning needs were sacrificed to appease angry stakeholders with little understanding of giftedness. Every child has different strengths and challenges; assuming that a one-size-fits-all class is sufficient is a disservice to students and teachers alike.

Advances in gifted education arrive in waves

Many families and teachers ride the wave, relishing those rare opportunities for enrichment and when a gem of a class is offered. My sons had some great teachers, as well as many amazing opportunities, including advanced math and Latin classes at several universities. But many of their most enriching opportunities occurred outside of school, such as participation in city-wide music ensembles and challenging chess tournaments.

What gifted students need

The basics of a challenging and meaningful education for gifted students haven’t changed much since my kids were in school, and include:

Subject and/or grade acceleration, along with dual enrollment opportunities at colleges
Ability grouping or at least clustering gifted students together within classrooms
Universal pre-screening to identify those students who “don’t look gifted” or have twice-exceptional conditions. It is essential that all gifted children’s educational needs are supported, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, gender, or socioeconomic background.
Educating teachers and the wider school community about the learning differences found among gifted children
A willingness to utilize funding to support faculty education and provide much needed services for these children (Unfortunately, the Jacob K. Javits grant, which provides federal funding is on the chopping block in Congress and targeted for elimination for the 2026 fiscal year.)

Like any child with unique learning needs or deficits, gifted children wither if deprived of an adequate education. Gifted education doesn’t have to be perfect. But a consistent attempt to offer students a challenging, engaging education should be the baseline consideration.

More information about gifted education can be found at the following sites:

National Association for Gifted Children

Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted

Davidson Gifted

An overview of research on gifted education is also available in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey.

This article is similar to one recently published on Substack and Medium.

Ten Sources of Relationship Stress among Gifted Adults

2025-07-08T18:11:00.000-04:00

Why would gifted people struggle in relationships?

After all, they can reason their way out of just about anything, have whip-smart minds, and can look at a problem from almost any angle. What gives?

Here’s the quick take: Just like gifted children, gifted adults are different from the norm. Their intensity, complexity, and deep-thinking minds don’t vanish once they turn 18.

Often acutely sensitive and highly attuned to the world around them, gifted adults still think outside of the box, grasp information at a faster pace, and hunger for intellectual stimulation.

But many have endured a childhood marked by social challenges — asynchronous development (where social maturity lagged behind intellectual strengths), a tendency to overthink their interactions, and an aching loneliness from feeling like a perpetual outlier.

As a result, many gifted adults missed out on the typical adolescent rites of passage and came late to the game when navigating relationships.

Here are some emotions and behaviors that can put a strain on relationships.

Do any of these fit for you?

1. Boredom

Gifted people have little tolerance for boredom. This doesn’t mean they will tire of their partner, but it may be harder to find someone who is both an appealing romantic interest and intellectually stimulating. Some gifted adults have a limited number of friends as a result, or have had fewer romantic relationships because of their selectivity. They just cannot tolerate the prospect of being bored. It’s a dealbreaker.

2. Impatience

Their capacity for quickly grasping information can lead to impatience and frustration with a partner or spouse who is not as capable. Angry, critical or sarcastic comments, a tendency to take charge, or a pattern of overlooking a partner's contributions can take a toll on any relationship. Sometimes gifted people might even seem arrogant when they become frustrated with others' more pedestrian pace. (They don’t mean to be arrogant — they just can’t accept a slower grasp of information.)

3. Pressure to succeed

The drive to achieve makes life more complicated. It can fuel an extreme, unrelenting focus on the task at hand, or harsh self-criticism when sometimes perfectionistic standards are not met. Individuals living with this internalized pressure may neglect their families and friends, value work over social/family relationships, and may be subject to mood swings and irritability.

4. Always needing to be right

Since gifted people usually excel at what they do, some may assume that they always know the correct answer, at least in those areas where they have expertise. A pattern may develop where they must be right in any debate. With their exceptional verbal skills, they can defend their point and relentlessly pursue an argument until they win, or until their opponent (i.e., their partner or spouse) gives up out of frustration.

5. Sense of isolation

Just as in childhood, some gifted adults feel relatively isolated. They view themselves as outliers with few true peers. Sometimes depressed, and often feeling misunderstood, they assume that they have little in common with the general population, and spend a substantial amount of time alone. If they are in a marriage or relationship, they may avoid communicating feelings they assume their partner will not understand.

6. Feeling awkward and insecure

Some gifted adults retain a self-concept from childhood, and feel like they are in middle school all over again. Their discomfort in social situations can lead to isolation and an avoidance of activities they might actually enjoy. Some may try to mask their fears or offer excuses (I have to work tonight again), but ultimately, their insecurities may limit their ability to find, form, and sustain friendships and relationships.

7. A need for alone time

Many gifted individuals are introverted and gain sustenance from time alone. Time to think can be restorative and fuel their creativity and inspiration. But partners or spouses may feel left out when their gifted partner retreats, and friends will become frustrated when social invitations are often declined.

8. Indulgence in offbeat or multiple interests

Since they grasp information with such complexity and depth, and are often multipotentialites, many gifted individuals plunge into varied and sometimes offbeat interests with a startling amount of passion and intensity. Training for a marathon, building a deck, or writing their first novel require intense drive and focus — something gifted people have in abundance. When they come up for air, though, they may notice a frustrated and angry partner who feels sidelined and ignored.

9. Oversensitivities

Many gifted adults also retain the heightened sensitivities and overexcitabilities that emerged in childhood. Spouses or partners who are less sensitive or reactive may become annoyed when their gifted partner is overwhelmed by too much sensory stimulation, becomes highly emotional, or needs to withdraw to regroup.

10. Existential depression

Gifted individuals may endure periods of existential depression as they grapple with what is meaningful and try to make sense of the world. Feelings of alienation, disillusionment and emptiness trigger a sense of despair — something increasingly common during these troubling political times. Existential depression takes its toll on partners of gifted adults as well, as they may feel powerless in their attempts to offer support.

Anyone can exhibit the above-mentioned behaviors. Gifted adults are not the only people who become impatient, bored, or question the meaning of life. But giftedness increases the likelihood that these patterns will unfold in adult relationships.

When both partners are gifted

Relationships become even more complex when both partners are gifted. Most people are drawn to friends and romantic partners whose IQ falls within a similar range. So both parties bring their emotional reactivity, sensitivity, impatience, and any of the above listed behaviors and coping strategies into the relationship. This may call for even greater self-awareness, improved communications skills, and empathy for each other's needs.

But here’s the good news

The above relationship hiccups are only a part of the puzzle. It’s not all bad. Most gifted people are, well, pretty cool. Creative. Intense. Passionate about what is most meaningful… which just might be you!

If you and your partner are gifted, relish the positives you both bring to the mix. Addressing some of the rough patches does not diminish the amazing, interesting, compelling reasons you are together in the first place.

In a future post, I will address approaches for managing relationship conflicts. Stay tuned!

Journal prompts:

What has worked for you in relationships with loved ones?

How have you grown and changed as you work on improving your relationships?

What feelings, situations, or fears interfere with tackling change?

How do I turn my gifted traits into something positive that will enhance my relationships?

Please share any ideas or tips in the comments section below. Thanks!

This article is similar to a post recently published on Substack.

Help Your Gifted Child Build Resilience This Summer

2025-05-23T16:31:00.000-04:00

Those lazy, hazy days of summer can be a great time for resilience-building.

Summer is that mixed bag of fun, freedom, a reprieve from responsibilities… and long stretches of boredom and isolation. At least for many gifted kids. Separated from their school friends, anxious about starting a new class or camp, and lacking structure from the school year, many feel lost and alone.

Some parents initiate a flurry of activities and scheduled events; others let their kids meander through the summer, devise their own entertainment, and take a break from formal education.

Whatever your summer plans, though, you can place some resilience-building activities on the agenda.

What is resilience?

Resilience is loosely defined as the ability to bounce back from and thrive after adversity. It is a behavioral skill that can be cultivated — not a fixed personality trait. No one is resilient in every situation; we are influenced by an interplay of personal characteristics and family, cultural, and social circumstances.

In my recent review article of research on giftedness and resilience, studies have shown the following:

Giftedness can contribute to both inherent strengths that serve as protective factors, but also amplify social, emotional, academic, motivational, and vocational struggles. Gifted intellectual strengths (including critical thinking skills, internal locus of control, and openness to experience) have been viewed as buffering mechanisms that enhance resilience; however, the emotional reactivity common among the gifted also may impart a psychological vulnerability”

In other words, “giftedness infuses an added layer of cognitive complexity, introspection, and sensitivity that may trigger or intensify emotional distress.” In fact, the benefits of resilience-building cannot be overstated — and at times, it is more essential than other skills-building or talent development opportunities.

How to help your gifted child build resilience

Children benefit from a challenge — and ultimately develop resilience when they grow from said challenge.

But finding the sweet spot between challenges that are too easy or too hard can be difficult. Whether associated with academic, athletic, or social challenges, parents of gifted kids often struggle to find the right balance. Here are a few resilience-building ideas:

1. Try a new or difficult activity

It is humbling to try something new.

Many gifted children are used to excelling and may base their sense of self upon this expectation. Any possibility of failure or mediocrity can be devastating. Trying a difficult new task provides an opportunity to upend these expectations and build resilience. Pushing themselves further to tackle something new can instill the essential "non-cognitive skills" (such as empathy, motivation, humility, endurance) that help them thrive.

They also might discover a new interest or previously unrealized strengths .

Skills-building can include trying a completely new activity, pushing themselves to advance a skill they already enjoy, engaging their creative strengths, or delving more deeply into an area of interest. If your child loves math, for example, they might learn to code. If they love art, they might try a new painting technique or transition from watercolor to oil painting. If they gravitate toward science, a fun summer chemistry class might ignite their interests further.

Any new skill developed over the summer can build resilience and instill greater confidence as they approach the next school year.

2. Tackle fears

Summer is a good time for tackling nagging fears and anxiety. A less demanding schedule frees up time to work on what worries your gifted child most, whether it’s fear of failure and imperfection or entrenched fears and phobias. This requires a measured, compassionate, and supportive approach, devoid of harsh expectations or rigid goals. You know your child best, and probably already know that pushing them too hard will backfire, provoke further resistance, and even increase their fears. A child who is terrified of heights, for example, is not yet ready for a ziplining course.

However, a gradual approach and gentle prodding or goal-setting can help them face what they most fear. Healthy distractions, calming strategies, mindfulness techniques, and even deep breathing exercises can provide support as they confront these fears. (Please note that sometimes working with a licensed mental health professional can assist them when they need more guidance and support.)

3. Find new friends

Friendships can be complicated for gifted kids.

They are drawn to like-minded peers who "get them" and can appreciate or at least accept their sometimes intense and offbeat approach to the world. But even when they find someone who seems relatable, they may hesitate to build a friendship. Encourage your child to set a playdate with the child they rave about from robotics camp, for example, or plan a movie outing with their new friend from art class — even if reaching out seems overwhelming. If your child is willing to let you guide them, coach them and use role-play on how to approach other children.

Most kids your child encounters are not cognitively gifted, though, and may not approach the world with the same level of intensity. But learning to find friends among that vast sea of neurotypical children will serve your gifted child well. Encourage them to reach out to the new neighbor or their tennis partner from camp or that outgoing, seemingly confident child they sometimes play with at the playground.

The ability to relate to those who seem different is a skill that will last a lifetime. Introverted, intense, or shy gifted kids benefit from as many opportunities as possible to flex those social skills muscles.

4. Set goals and follow through on them

Encourage your child to set some basic goals and follow through on them. Your child builds resilience when they learn to ride a bike, develop a new skill, write their college entrance essays ahead of time (if they are a rising senior), tackle their fear of spiders, or invite a new friend to come over and play.

Perfection and absolute success are never required; coming close to reaching their goals, seeing their progress along the way, and keeping an open mind toward trying something new are valuable lessons.

You also might have specific goals you would like your child to accomplish — like reading a few books or keeping their room clean. You can certainly express your expectations and work with them to devise incentives or rewards for reaching these goals. And a reminder: rewards do not have to be monumental. Develop a reasonable plan with mini-rewards (such as an extra hour at the pool or additional screen time) as they achieve markers of success or demonstrate reasonable efforts to follow through on tasks.

5. Find volunteer activities

Volunteer work creates fulfillment and an eyes-wide-open perspective on privilege and the struggles others endure. It enhances resilience-building as children gain empathy for others' needs and build confidence when they recognize how they can be of service. Some examples include working on a fund drive to support a homeless shelter, picking up litter at a local park, volunteering at an animal shelter, or coaching a younger student to improve math skills.

Gifted children possess an abundance of empathy and concerns about fairness and social justice. Volunteer work will appeal to them and fulfill that longing to better the world. Any meaningful (and safe) activity or effort is valuable and sets a pattern of "giving back" that should last well into adulthood.

While the above suggestions might be useful, keep in mind that resilience-building experiences can occur without specific plans.

In fact, unstructured playtime also builds resilience and enhances problem-solving strategies. Whether managing periods of boredom, negotiating disagreements with neighborhood kids, climbing to the top of the playground equipment, or designing their next LEGO masterpiece, they become more adept at handling social, physical, and learning challenges.

When real-world challenges arise, encourage your child to reflect upon the skills they enlisted and what they learned about themselves. The benefits of resilience-building activities are solidified when they can understand how meeting a challenge fuels their personal growth and confidence. And you, as their parent, are best suited to point out their strengths, their adaptability, and how much they have progressed!

Happy Summer!

This article was previously published on my Substack page.

College admissions Day: Don't Let the Uncertainty Derail You

2025-04-03T23:05:00.001-04:00

Photo: The author

April 1st (April Fool’s Day) can seem more like consolation day for many gifted and high achieving high school seniors.

And it's no joke.

Frequently referred to as “Ivy Day,” colleges within the Ivy League and other elite colleges hold off until April 1 (or a late date in March) to send out their admissions decisions. Families wait impatiently, filled with hope and dread.

Many students are left feeling angry and despondent as they learn that the college of their choice is not an option. But with acceptance rates well below 10% at many highly selective colleges, even exceptional students are shut out.

When high ability or gifted children are young, parents might assume that high school success will translate into an array of college choices. Some are shocked and bitter when their child is rejected from a wide range of schools. They may believe they have been deceived and betrayed; their child’s hard work and effort was ignored, and raw talent and ability overlooked.

A recent Forbes article highlights the folly of pinning hopes on a specific “dream school,” and points out that after the initial disappointment wanes, most students actually feel good about where they attend college. A survey of 5000 college seniors conducted through the National Survey of Student Engagement reported that 72% claimed they would choose the same college again. In other words, students survive the rejection and eventually feel good about their college decisions.

What I have learned about college admissions — as both a parent and psychologist

In my role as a psychologist and parenting consultant, I have spoken with hundreds of parents over the years whose children applied to dream schools that seemed out of reach. These teens are all amazing, lovely, accomplished students with great potential. Yet, all were rejected.

Many teens and their families refuse to consider the low odds of admissions at colleges with 5% acceptance rates. What about all my hard work? What about my extra-curricular activities? What about my high SAT scores? Even when chances are slim, they hold out hope — rather than putting their choices into perspective and appreciating that they can excel wherever they go to college.

Why are so many highly capable and qualified students rejected from their first-choice college?

When highly selective colleges are inundated with applications, they have to draw the line somewhere. They have quotas, priorities and long-range goals, along with financial burdens. While most would likely prefer to admit the most talented, high-achieving students they can find, selecting who fits this criteria is complicated. And the sheer number of academically successful applicants is astonishing. National Merit Finalist Valedictorians with stellar SAT's are viewed as commonplace, and most will be rejected without some additional compelling qualifications.

College admissions officers at these selective colleges will tell you they are seeking a well-rounded, diversified class of students. They claim to use “holistic admissions,” viewing the whole student and not just grades and SAT scores. Yet, this term is often used as a thinly veiled directive for achieving quotas that, for example, consider the student’s geographic location, athletic ability, family wealth, or legacy connection (otherwise known as “hooks”). The highly publicized college admissions cheating scandal several years ago pointed to the dark side of college admissions, along with the extent some parents will go to advance their child's career.

While many families rage about the unfairness of admissions policies, the reality is that most “unhooked” students will get rejected by many of their top choices. A Forbes article from over a decade ago highlights the disingenuous admissions process. Other than a roller coaster of mandates regarding DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) as a factor to be considered (or now, not permitted) in college admissions decisions, not much has changed over the past decade.

What if your child is still in the college-planning process?

When a student does not possess the "hooks" that boost chances for admissions, they will need to stand out from the crowd. This is especially true for those who attend public school or are homeschooled, since many private schools have counselors dedicated to maintaining connections with elite colleges. A 4.0 and top SAT scores may prompt a closer look, but without other outstanding qualifications, the elite, tippy-top schools will toss their application into the rejection pile.

Gifted and high achieving students need to create a compelling profile that is quite exceptional and well beyond the norm. To garner a "second look," students need an application that conveys a depth of ability and achievement, such as performing independent research, excelling at college courses (taken as part of dual enrollment), exceptional mastery in the arts, awards from science fairs or other demanding competitions, or truly innovative extracurriculars or volunteer work. Sometimes, they need all of the above to demonstrate both breadth and depth of focus. Their efforts must clearly convey their aptitude as well as their motivation to tackle unique and challenging work.

But not all gifted students need to attend one of the elite, tippy-top colleges!

Before applying to highly selective colleges, parents need to clearly understand their child's social, emotional, and academic needs. They also must consider their child's realistic chances for admission. Look at the highest percentiles of grades, SAT scores, and other requirements for acceptance rates at the college. Look at tools your child’s high school may have, such as Naviance, that anonymously list students’ SAT scores and GPAs along with where they matriculated. If your child is in that range, they may stand a chance. But realize that admission to an ivy league or comparable school (such as Stanford or MIT), is almost impossible to predict. While elite colleges can offer gifted students many benefits (including exceptional financial aid), there are other wonderful colleges out there that should not be overlooked.

It is essential that high ability and gifted students identify less competitive schools that would be a good fit and would readily welcome them. Many schools offer honors programs and other specialized tracks that can provide a great education. Gifted students can excel wherever they go and will find mentors, excellent professors and innovative programs that can stimulate their creativity. Attachment to a "dream" school is a set-up for disappointment in the capricious, uncertain world of college admissions.

When I wrote a similar article about college admissions ten years ago, both of my kids were in college and had already weathered the application process. Both were public school students, but were fortunate to gain admission to excellent colleges. They didn’t pad their resumes, but instead, stayed focused on what they loved and what grabbed their interests throughout high school. Neither cared about prestige or finding business connections to land a job on Wall Street. More pressing needs included finding the best fit (academically, intellectually, and socially) and acquiring financial aid.

A Note to Current Seniors

If you have just received your letters of admission, hopefully you are relieved and excited. If you received rejections, it is important to appreciate the competitiveness of these schools and not assume it is a reflection on your abilities or your character.

And consider the long game. College is a stepping stone to a future career. In a recent Gallup survey of 30,000 college graduates, factors unrelated to college prestige (such as caring professors, a mentor, and practical experiences through internships) were better predictors of job success and well-being than the specific college they attended.

It may not seem fair that you didn't get into your dream school. But you can use your abilities to thrive wherever you go. And perhaps this experience will help you gain perspective and develop resilience when facing future challenges. Good luck with your decisions!

Additional articles about college admissions:

Ten college planning tips: What families of gifted children need to know

Families of gifted teens: Avoid these “worst” college visitation tips

What most parents of gifted children wish they had known about college planning

Welcome to Gifted Parenting: A Checklist of Emotions for Parents of Gifted Children

2025-03-07T11:28:00.003-05:00

Image: Pexels/August de Richelieu

Surprise! Your child is gifted.

Or maybe it wasn't such a surprise. Perhaps you saw the signs from an early age: the precocity, the early language acquisition, the endless questioning, the obsession with everything LEGO. Regardless of whether there was any warning, it is a shock, a joy, and a bundle of anxiety all wrapped in a bow.

Welcome to gifted parenting!

As you grapple with decisions about schools and advocacy or search for books/classes/activities that engage your child's passions, you might notice that your own emotions surge at unexpected times. These emotions nag at you when your child seems bored at school or is misunderstood and their intentions disparaged. Anxiety swells as you lie awake, worrying about your child’s future. Fear, envy, pride, resentment, disappointment, anger, and bitterness are no strangers to parents of gifted children.

Unfortunately, there is very little attention to the parent’s experience in the research literature, as I found when writing my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey:

“A Google Scholar search of the emotional and psychological adjustment among parents of gifted children uncovered only a few studies. Instead, most articles targeted the parent’s perceptions of their child’s adjustment or how parenting behavior affected their gifted child.”

Nevertheless, parents of gifted children are well aware of how their experience raising a gifted or twice-exceptional child is different from the norm.

So many emotions

The first step toward coping with these complex emotions is to identify them.

Which of the following seem familiar to you?

___ I worry about my child's ability to fit in with other kids.

___ I resent the amount of extra energy I have to expend to engage my child's academic needs.

___ I am angry that the school offers few (if any) gifted services.

___ I feel embarrassed when my gifted child is so immature; sometimes they act as if they are years younger than their actual age.

___ I am tired of being treated like a pushy parent just because I ask for more challenging work for my child.

___ I envy other families whose kids seem so "normal."

___ I am frustrated that my child exerts little effort and is coasting through school; they are wasting their potential and the school overlooks this.

___ I wish I could show my enthusiasm and pride over my child's accomplishments and not worry that others might think I'm bragging.

___ I resent it when others think my child's abilities result from me pushing and prepping them. If anything, I am just along for the ride… and trying to keep up!

___ I resent that I have to do all of the work sorting out college options and that the school offers little guidance

___ I feel angry toward relatives who don't get it and minimize my concerns about my child.

___ I feel guilty that I don't want to do all of this advocacy work in the schools or that I don’t want to homeschool them.

___ I feel in awe of my child sometimes; I can't believe they can accomplish some of the amazing things they do.

___ I worry that I am not doing enough to push them to succeed.

___ I also sometimes worry that I am pushing them too much and it will backfire.

___ I feel heartbroken when my child is excluded from social events because they are so "different" from their peers.

___ I wish I could just relax and trust the schools to do their job.

___ I worry that they never will be happy, that they will always will feel so different from others, and will have trouble finding friends, a spouse or partner, and a job that is truly meaningful.

Do some of these sound familiar? Okay... most of them?

Parents of gifted children often struggle in silence with emotions that evoke guilt and shame. This is heightened when others imply that they should feel grateful about their child's abilities. After all, high IQ should be a ticket to happiness, Harvard, and any job they want. Right? Well, not exactly! Such myths and stereotypes only compound the stress involved with raising a gifted child.

Parenting an intense, curious, and reactive child, who may be asynchronous, highly sensitive, and out of sync with peers, is not easy. Constantly advocating for academic needs is demanding and overwhelming. And although intelligence certainly offers many advantages, it is no guarantee of success, joy, or admission to the college of their choice.

What you can do

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children benefit from accepting the challenges of the road ahead. You're in it for the long haul, so get the support you need. The following may help:

1. Learn as much as you can about gifted children, gifted education and parenting. The more you know, the more you will understand about what you and your child are experiencing. It will normalize, validate and provide much needed information. A few of the well-known publishers of books about giftedness include Gifted Unlimited Press, Prufrock Press, GHF Press, and Free Spirit Publishing. And some great online information sites include NAGC, SENG, Hoagie's Gifted, GHF, and Davidson's. A variety of podcasts are also available. Get informed!

2. Find or start your own gifted parenting support group. These provide support, mutual understanding, and validation rarely found elsewhere. They provide a venue for shared information about what works and what doesn't within the schools, and a powerful tool for advocacy. Online groups are available on some social media sites, also, which can provide support and validation. (See my article, though, about your child’s privacy and sharing confidential information online.)

3. Take care of yourself. This goes for every parent, of course, but don't forget to find time for enjoyable activities, relaxation, and fun and silliness with your child. Learn stress management techniques for when you need them, and make time for friends, your partner or spouse, and enriching, meaningful activities. Your child also will benefit from you as a calm, happy parent.

4. If you haven't already realized it, please know that EVERY emotion listed on the above checklist is normal, understandable, and widespread among parents of gifted children. It is understandable to feel angry, alone, resentful and sad about these challenges. Accepting this reality may help with the guilt and the sense of isolation that accompanies some of these feelings. Get the support you need from those friends and family who truly "get it," other parents of gifted children, and gifted parenting support groups. Don't allow these emotions to overwhelm and interfere with the joy you might otherwise experience with your child.

Thank you!

I also want to thank those of you who recently participated in a survey study that Dr. Kali Fedor and I initiated that focused on the parents’ experience raising gifted or twice-exceptional children. We will share the results once the data is analyzed and submitted to a research journal for publication.

What were some of your surprise emotions as a parent? Let us know in the comments section below.

This article was also published on my Substack newsletter.