Gifted Challenges™

The Truth about Authoritative Parenting

2026-06-05T07:53:00.820-04:00

An alternative to misguided parenting approaches from a psychologist and parent

Image: Pexels/August de Richelieu

Parenting is tough.

Children try our patience through demands and relentless appeals. Especially gifted children, who are often intense, highly sensitive, and exhibit endless curiosity. But responding with parenting behaviors that ultimately backfire — harsh punishment, inflexible rules, or conversely, attempts to avoid conflict by removing all limits and expectations — create more problems than they solve.

What gets lost in the endless conversations and wealth of articles and books about child-raising is that two basic concepts combine the necessary ingredients for effective parenting: love and limits — the hallmark features of authoritative parenting.

The benefits of authoritative parenting

Raising our two rambunctious boys was challenging at best. Their boundless energy and persistence were a strain.

What kept us grounded, though, was an investment in providing a warm, loving environment and setting clear limits and boundaries.

Almost 60 years of research, launched by psychology researcher Diana Baumrind, consistently highlights the advantages of authoritative parenting… the sweet spot between overly permissive, “anything goes” parenting and a rigid, harsh authoritarian stance.

Authoritative parents are generous with their love and compassion. They emphasize good communication and listen intently to their child (even if they don’t always agree). They provide clear rules and limits that are reasonable and consistent but allow for flexibility when it is best for the child or the family. They can withstand temporary outbursts and even help their child manage and regulate their emotions.

When children feel loved and accepted, despite their flaws and transgressions, and when they are offered a consistent framework of reasonable rules and structure, they feel safe to explore the world at large. Children raised in authoritative families typically exhibit healthy social and coping skills, a secure attachment style, and a positive self-concept.

They know there is a safety net at home, and although aware that misbehavior can result in consequences, they don’t fear harsh punishment. Their parents don’t berate them with demeaning words, shame them for their feelings, withhold love, or terrorize them with physical violence.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends authoritative parenting, and notes its positive impact on behavior and mental health. It is also associated with higher levels of academic achievement.

And positive effects extend well beyond childhood, as described in a study of young adults, where their childhood experience of authoritative parenting was associated with higher levels of life satisfaction.

Authoritative parenting is good parenting!

The downside of authoritarian parenting

Most research has demonstrated the negative effects of authoritarian parenting, where harsh, rigid rules predominate, extreme punishment becomes normative, and it’s “my way or the highway.” As I wrote previously, physical punishment and rigid expectations typically backfire, and can instill traumatic fears, or alternatively, acting out against a home life that feels unsafe.

When children try our patience, it is tempting to unleash our own pent-up emotions; slapping a child, name-calling, and shaming them for their impulses might seem the only readily available response.

Historically, authoritarian parenting was the norm. “Spare the rod; spoil the child” was the dogma generations of families upheld. Physical punishment has been repeatedly identified as harmful. Unfortunately, some parents adhere to this still, whether due to values accrued from their own childhoods, or desperation to quell their child’s burgeoning autonomy (replete with conflict).

They justify shaming or physical punishment since it appears to halt their out-of-control child in their tracks, at least temporarily.

But a harsh, rigid parenting approach typically backfires.

In a research review of different parenting styles, Baumrind found that authoritarian parenting was associated with higher levels of behavioral problems, frustration, and insecurity, and lower levels of social competence.

Children raised in authoritarian homes often feel insecure, angry, and reluctant to seek help when necessary. Terrified of misbehaving, some suppress their healthy drive for independence and follow the family’s rules without hesitation. Others might give up trying to please their family and become angry and rebellious. Many lose respect for parents who seem so distant or demanding.

I have seen these outcomes on a regular basis in my clinical psychology practice, where the emotional pain accrued from living through an authoritarian childhood extends well into adulthood. Authoritarian parenting strategies might seem like a quick fix, but instead, contribute to long-term consequences.

What’s so bad about permissive parenting?

Some parents, eager to reject the authoritarian parenting practices of yore, swing to the other end of the pendulum.

Choosing a more compassionate, child-centered, empathetic parenting approach seems to make sense; children certainly benefit from love and empathy. They need to feel understood, know that their emotions are accepted, and view their parents as safe, reassuring people.

Where permissive parenting fails, though, is when families assume that limits, rules, or consequences might somehow harm their child. They cannot tolerate their child’s anger and may view them as too fragile to accept limits.

But without reasonable expectations and consequences, children sense a power imbalance that is ultimately troubling to them.

Children often feel insecure and confused when there are no rules, when parents allow them to roam free with little supervision, or when they are not held accountable for misbehavior. These are the children who speak rudely to any authority figure, who try (and often succeed) with bossing their parents around, and who use meltdowns and sometimes threats of self-harm or violence to assert control.

In a recent ADDitude Magazine article, licensed social worker Ryan Wexelblatt points out that property destruction, violence toward siblings, or threats of self-harm can occur when limits are absent and when parents always acquiesce to the child’s demands:

“Research shows that accommodating a child’s emotional reactions increases emotional and behavioral problems. Those behaviors intensify when children learn that distress or threats lead to getting what they want… The child learns to use these behaviors to control the home, and the longer they go unaddressed, the more normalized they become.”

Love and limits

Parents can feel more grounded with a clear plan of what to expect, what to overlook, and an appreciation that their attuned, yet imperfect parenting is sufficient.

Research (and common sense) show that expressions of love and compassion, clear and open communication, and reasonable limits are best for both the child and the family. This includes a healthy dose of empathy, a safe and loving environment, an attunement to each child’s unique needs, a refusal to use physical violence or verbal shaming to enforce rules, and a commitment to managing your own emotions.

If you are struggling with how to handle the overwhelm of child-raising, consider seeking help from a licensed mental health professional, pediatrician, parenting group, or other local resources geared toward parenting. And as I wrote previously in my book about parenting gifted children, consider self-reflection and an exploration of your parenting values, along with finding the support you might need as you weather tough times.

Here are a few helpful books about parenting:

Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond behaviors: Using brain science and compassion to understand and solve children’s behavioral challenges. PESI Publishing.

Greene, R. (2016). Raising human beings: Creating a collaborative partnership with your child. Scribner.

Nelson, J. (2006). Positive discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. Ballantine Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2013). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. Tarcher Perigee.

*Please note that the above suggestions in this article are informational and not meant as mental health or medical guidance.*

A similar version of this article was published on Medium.

What Students Just Might Hate the Most about School

2026-02-22T20:10:00.040-05:00

What’s the most frequent complaint I hear about school from teens in my psychotherapy practice?

Group projects.

They hate them. Dread them. Feel entrapped by them.

Typically, there is conflict. Even more frequently, one sorry soul comes forward and drags the group along, taking on 90% of the burden. Social dynamics abound, with heightened fears about popularity, judgment for “caring too much,” resentment about shepherding the slackers, and disgust toward teachers for the requirement.

Of course, I heard the same complaints from my kids when they were in school. And thankfully, my own vague personal memory of classroom projects has receded, since none of those memories were positive.

The actual content of the project is secondary to the students’ confusion about how to cooperate, collaborate, and motivate each other toward a goal. And if parents, teachers, and coaches have trouble enlisting students’ cooperation and motivation, how can we expect a group of middle school and high school students to succeed on their own?

Why this practice persists

Encouraging collaboration, team-building, cooperation, and leadership skills through group activities are wonderful aspirations. I get it. Helping students evolve into productive citizens who communicate effectively and work collaboratively are worthwhile goals.

Here’s the glitch, though: these “soft skills” (such as communication, empathy, cooperation, flexibility, and critical thinking skills) are vital for success in school and in the workforce. But they don’t just happen spontaneously. Developing soft skills requires education, training, role-modeling, and practice.

You wouldn’t throw a young child into the deep end without swimming lessons.

Yet, students are grouped together with no training in how to work with each other. No lessons in collaboration, brainstorming, respectful communication, time management, organizational planning, and conflict resolution.

It’s remarkable that more kids don’t rebel.

Some changes ahead through social/emotional learning

Fortunately, some schools are offering strategies to build soft skills early. In addition to the executive functioning skills training many schools now provide (which involves planning, organizational skills, time management, and goal-setting), some schools offer social and emotional learning (SEL) training — a foundation for working collaboratively and efficiently that can extend benefits well beyond the school years. According to researchers Eui Kyong Kim and colleagues:

“Social-emotional learning involves the development of skills like self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship building, and responsible decision-making. These skills are necessary for fostering healthy relationships, effective communication, self-regulation, and preventing harm to others. Furthermore, research has shown that students’ ability to understand and manage their emotions and relationships is linked to academic and career success.”

Research has shown that it’s not just communication and interpersonal comfort that improves. In a meta-analytic review (a review of studies), researchers Cheyeon Ha and colleagues found that SEL interventions contributed to better academic achievement, higher GPA and test scores, and improved achievement in both literacy and math.

In his book, Parenting from the Heart, psychologist Steven Pfeiffer provides a “heart strengths” model and outlines the social and emotional skills necessary to help children thrive. These include the capacity for persistence, frustration tolerance, kindness, generosity, humility, good social judgment, and empathy. These essential skills are not solely the product of astute parenting; they can be taught by teachers, coaches, and any person raising or educating youth.

Two recent examples of schools-based interventions supporting the benefits from SEL training include the following:

· In a study of 900 students, researchers at the University of Cambridge found that empathy skills can be taught. A brief course in empathy training resulted in improvement in conduct, emotional awareness, and even curiosity about different cultures.

· A recent Edutopia article described how students can become less defensive and more open to constructive feedback. This capacity develops when self-regulation abilities and confidence are enhanced through practice and role-modeling.

What about the critics?

Unfortunately, some critics scoff at the importance of soft skills, especially those with political agendas that view empathy and collaboration as a threat. In an article describing the backlash against empathy, The Utah Education Association provides guidelines for supporting SEL education in the classroom and for speaking with those who oppose it.

The National Education Association offers guidelines for implementing SEL training as well as advocacy efforts when faced with criticism about these programs. The Fordham Institute also provides helpful tips when confronted with opposition.

When children are told to “go outside and play nicely,” those instructions often fall on deaf ears. Kids know that punching their friend is not a good plan, but often lack alternative skills for more calmly reacting when conflict arises.

Interpersonal dynamics play an outsized role in classroom group projects. Instead of throwing students into the deep end and expecting them to swim, it falls on educators and families to guide children to arrive safely on shore.

Without repeated skills-building strategies, role modeling, and an opportunity to practice new behaviors, children will ignore instructions that make no sense. Their take-away from most classroom group projects is distrust and disgust toward an educational system that expects collaborative work but offers little guidance.

It is incumbent upon us as parents, teachers, psychotherapists, coaches, and mentors to help our children and students develop the life skills they need for academic and career success, resilience, healthy interpersonal relationships, and for their role as caring and responsible citizens in a somewhat fractured and divisive world.

As similar version of this article was published on Medium.

What Families Wish the 'Experts' Knew about Gifted and Twice-Exceptional Children

2026-02-11T20:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, "professionals" don't get it. Here's what they might not understand.

Your child is gifted. Or neurodivergent. Or twice-exceptional (a combination of both).

But sometimes the “experts” don’t get it.

Perhaps you have spoken with pediatricians or school counselors or psychotherapists or life coaches or experienced teachers and none of them fully get it. They mean well, but may assume that your cognitively gifted child (frequently identified as having an IQ of 130 or higher) “will do just fine,” regardless of their education.

They don’t grasp your child’s intensity or overthinking. They don’t appreciate the insidious effects of perfectionism or isolation or “impostor syndrome.” They don’t understand the depth of executive functioning challenges or distractibility or sensory sensitivity. And they may not recognize underachievement in a child whose neurodivergent condition complicates traditional learning approaches, or who receives relatively good grades, but coasts through school with little effort.

Sometimes the experts don’t fully grasp that your child craves learning like other kids crave recess. That they were never “hot-housed” or test-prepped into success. That they can still feel bored in “advanced” classes or an expensive private school. That they might possess multipotentialities: they can be academically gifted and a talented artist and an elite athlete.

And as I wrote recently, you might feel chastised or shamed when you advocate for your child. You may be used to random conversations with neighbors, extended family, or even well-meaning friends who don’t understand your struggles.

But somehow, you expected more from those in positions of authority.

And if your child is “twice-exceptional” — both gifted and neurodivergent — many professionals are unsure about how to address their complex learning and social/emotional needs. Attempts to tackle learning challenges due to ADHD, ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), a learning disability, or sensory sensitivities might include a structured protocol that does not fully account for their intensity or aversion to certain routines or difficulty using traditional organizational strategies.

What most parents wish the experts knew about giftedness

Unfortunately, many well-meaning, highly trained experts in their respective fields may have little understanding of giftedness or how neurodivergence is expressed. There may be so much you wish they understood about your child… or a day in your life. Here are a few examples:

1. Giftedness is not a choice… neither is a twice-exceptional condition

You don’t get to choose your intellectual ability or brain functioning any more than your eye color. Giftedness is unrelated to race, gender, income, ethnicity, test-prepping, or hard work. You can’t stop being gifted. However, an impoverished environment or lackluster education will suppress gifted abilities, and often lead to underachievement, inertia, or hopelessness.

2. Gifted children crave learning as long as it is challenging, stimulating, and creative

Their school environment and their comfort expressing themselves and revealing their abilities (without fear of reprisal from peers) is critical. A flexible academic environment, equipped with teachers who truly understand giftedness, and with options for ability grouping, clustering, and acceleration, is essential. And despite claims that gifted students will thrive at just about any college, the importance of finding the right fit is just as essential in college as in the earlier years.

3. Gifted children do not fit any one particular stereotype

Some are introverted and socially anxious; others are confident leaders. Some are perfectionistic and achievement-oriented; others hide their talents so they can fit in with peers. Many are highly sensitive, creative, and empathetic, with an acute sense of fairness and justice. Some are twice-exceptional and have learning challenges in addition to their gifted intellect. Many also possess multipotentialities and face a range of academic, creative, and career choices.

4. Many gifted children have difficulty finding friends or fitting in with same-age peers, regardless of their social skills

They may never fit in with the “cool kids” and might bristle when unfairness toward others is the entry ticket to the popular crowd. Some exhibit signs of asynchronous development, which can contribute to a lag in social maturity. Many feel like outliers, regardless of their popularity status. Unless they find other children with similar interests and views, they may become isolated and insecure.

5. Sometimes, gifted children are misdiagnosed

This happens when traits associated with giftedness are misunderstood as related to another condition. For example, an active, highly energetic gifted child might be incorrectly labeled with a diagnosis of ADHD. Other times, problems that are psychological in nature can be attributed to giftedness, and concerns that warrant treatment may be ignored. Sometimes pediatricians, psychotherapists, and life coaches (who lack training in mental health or counseling) miss this distinction. Anyone working with a gifted child or family must understand the complex interplay between giftedness and psychological, social, emotional, and intellectual factors, especially when a child is twice-exceptional.

6. Parenting a gifted child brings unique challenges

Parents worry about their child’s future, often assume the burden of advocacy at school, and may feel isolated from other parents who don’t understand their concerns. In our research on parenting worries and concerns, conducted along with my colleague, Dr. Kali Fedor, we found that parents of twice-exceptional children expressed an even greater level of worry and concern than parents whose child did not have a coexisting condition. (More to come about this research in a future article.)

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children struggle to navigate their child’s emotional and academic needs. But they also have their own emotional reactions. Anxiety, guilt, anger, and obsessive worry — these emotions are all too familiar to parents of gifted children. As I described in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, parents need support! Yet unfortunately, they often encounter misunderstanding, judgment, and criticism.

What you can do

When advocating for your child, you can tactfully provide information that may be counter to what the professional assumes. Approach them with curiosity about their opinions, and emphasize a collaborative spirit. Professionals who work with children want to help them succeed and feel good about themselves. You are both on the same side!

Offer to collaborate, provide additional information, and emphasize that you have a different perspective, given what you see in your child at home or in other situations. Ask for referrals for additional neuropsychological testing (if indicated), extracurricular activities that might support your child’s specialized interests, or what additional options or services are available within the school. And keep in mind that sometimes, schools, teachers, and other professionals get it right!

Most importantly, find support for yourself. Cultivate a group of friends, other parents of gifted children, or extended family members who will listen to your worries, provide support, and withhold judgment. The more you take care of yourself, the easier and more fulfilling the parenting journey.

A similar version of this article was recently published on Medium.

Please Stop Shaming Gifted Children and their Families

2026-01-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

Gifted terminology is the problem... not the child or their parents.

After reading yet another opinion article* equating gifted cognitive abilities with pushy parenting, I felt compelled to speak out…once again.

As a clinical psychologist who works with gifted teens and adults, the parent of gifted young adults, and an author who has written widely about giftedness and neurodiversity, I am troubled that stereotypes and misinformation persist.

Gifted cognitive abilities (often identified by an IQ score of at least 130, two standard deviations above the norm) can be nurtured through environmental stimulation, but ultimately, giftedness reflects divergent brain functioning. We’re talking brain differences — not achievement aspirations. Unfortunately, some people incorrectly assume gifted kids are hot-housed or prepped by wildly overinvolved parents.

Problems with the label

The “gifted” label is often the problem.

Yes, of course all children are special and a gift to their families. The use of gifted terminology, though, is often construed to imply that cognitively gifted people are somehow special or better. This stokes envy and bitterness, and can lead to assumptions that gifted cognitive ability is merely high achievement in disguise.

Platitudes such as “every child is gifted” or “giftedness is just a gift waiting to be unwrapped” are pervasive.

And while a challenging education or dedicated practice are essential, you can’t force giftedness any more than you can become an NBA star without some inherent talent. The public understands this regarding sports stars or talented musicians; it is much harder to accept, though, when it applies to cognitive abilities.

How the label got started

While equating giftedness with talent has persisted for centuries, this unfortunate terminology was officially coined in the 1920’s to describe exceptional cognitive abilities. Since then, the gifted label has remained as shorthand for conveying a cognitively advanced person’s capacity to absorb and process information with greater depth, speed, and intensity, all of which sometimes leads to outstanding achievements.

Recent attempts to change the label have included defining giftedness within the broader context of neurodiversity or neurocomplexity, aligning it with other brain differences, such as ADHD or Autism Spectrum Disorder. Regardless of how you define it, though, cognitively gifted students often remain unidentified and overlooked in schools tailored to the norm (particularly students who are persons of color, English Language Learners, or have a coexisting learning disability).

And without a challenging education, many gifted students coast through school with little to show for it. They experience boredom, disengagement, underachievement, and at the very least, a deficit in executive functioning skills (such as planning and time management) that can hamper later success in higher education or the work force.

Parents of the gifted struggle

In my psychotherapy practice, I have never encountered parents of gifted children who pushed their child to achieve. Never. In fact, achievement is rarely a priority. Instead, parents are often desperate to help their child find a meaningful education — one where they are not relentlessly bored.

Families raising gifted children rarely view giftedness as an amazing “gift.” They often describe feeling overwhelmed by their child’s intensity, heightened emotional sensitivities, or asynchronous development, where maturity lags behind intellect. They worry when their child loses interest in school and their zest for learning disappears. And they feel heartbroken when their child is misunderstood or rejected by same-aged peers.

Many gifted children also have twice-exceptional conditions (such as a learning disability or ADHD) which complicates their ability to thrive in school. In recently published study in Gifted Education International, my colleague, Kali Fedor, Ed.D. and I surveyed over 800 parents of gifted children. Most struggled with worries and concerns about their child’s academic, social, or emotional development, but not surprisingly, parents of twice-exceptional children reported significantly greater levels of worry and concern. (More about this study will be shared in a future article.)

Parents also struggle to find safe outlets where they can express their joys and concerns. Many refrain from conversations about their child’s accomplishments or struggles. In my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey: A Guide to Self-Discovery and Support for Families of Gifted Children, parents’ comments elicited through an online survey were included. This comment below exemplifies their sense of differentness and isolation:

“As a parent, you experience moments of intense joy, sadness, and misunderstanding. It’s not easy for anyone to understand that a 4-year-old can talk about world problems, but he cries when someone takes away his train toy… Sadly, society has a tendency to exclude the different. Anything outside the norm has a tendency to be discriminated against, bullied, or in most cases, left out.”

The gift of advocacy

When you live every day with a gifted child, navigate their intensity and sensitivity, despair when their school overlooks their needs, and hold back tears when they are rejected by peers — you understand the highs and lows of giftedness.

You already know that problems arise when schools ignore the needs of gifted children and refuse to provide a challenging education. And you know that when children are not offered a clear, matter-of-fact framework for understanding giftedness, they will likely form their own conclusions and may internalize any stigma and shaming they observe directed toward people like them.

As I commented previously:

“We would never accept this normalization of stigma and disparagement toward people based on race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, or learning struggles. Yet, gifted children are routinely shamed for their inherent abilities. They did not “choose” to possess a highly active mind, heightened intensities, or a drive for learning that may surpass the academic needs of their peers. As parents, educators, counselors, and legislators, we need to stop the misconceptions, false assumptions, and marginalization of gifted education — all of which can contribute to a false sense of self, confusion, and shame among the gifted.”

So, I am calling upon you to rise up and commit to advocacy and actively challenge misconceptions— whenever you hear them:

· Any false beliefs, alarmist criticism, and tired stereotypes.

· Any attempts to conflate gifted education with elitism or favoritism or harm to other students.

· Any assumptions that giftedness does not exist, or that kids can stop being gifted, or that eliminating gifted programs will solve the problems that besiege so many schools.

· Any public shaming of these children and their families.

I have commented widely that you, as parent of a gifted a child, are enlisted as an ambassador for giftedness. You might have never expected or asked for this role. Yet, it falls on you to educate others wherever you go. On the sidelines at soccer games. At school board meetings. At holiday meals with misinformed family members. With sports coaches or camp counselors or even some educators. In conversations where adults assume you have prepped your child. Through school-based and legislative advocacy. And through commentary when click-bait articles perpetuate harmful stereotypes.

Let’s get to work and stand up for these children and their families!

Additional information and resources about giftedness are available through your state or province-based gifted education association, the NAGC (National Association for Gifted Children), and SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted).

*Please note that I chose not to link to the opinion piece I referenced. I did not want to further legitimize the author’s false claims by publishing it.

The image above was curtousy of Pexels/Ron Lach. A similar version of this article was previously posted on Medium.

Avoid these “Worst” College Visitation Mistakes

2026-01-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

Photo: The author/Lehigh University Student Center

It’s college visitation season right now.

As a parent, some of my most beloved road trips involved college visits, where my sons and I compared notes, and often (surprisingly) had quite similar perspectives on what we observed.

Some visits were eye-opening. One of my sons had little interest in a college that (to me) seemed like an amazing school. On a tour of New England colleges, I convinced him to visit said college…and he loved it! In fact, he ended up attending the school a year later (tip: sometimes parents know their kids pretty darn well, and sense what college might be a good fit!).

Other times, we fled the scene.

On one visit, we were surprised to find a nun, in full black religious habit, greeting visitors at the information session. While she was very welcoming and kind, her presence sent a clear visceral message that anyone who wasn’t Catholic might not quite fit in, despite website claims to the contrary.

As a psychologist, I have heard stories from countless teens and their families about their reassuring/disappointing/funny college visits. Both parents and their children learned a lot about what is most meaningful beyond the glitter and the school’s marketing strategies.

College visitation advice that misses the mark

Conventional wisdom found online sometimes conveys unhelpful or useless advice, and may not be particularly relevant to your child’s unique needs. Often, the most essential information is unavailable, creating false impressions and inaccurate takeaways. These suggestions are particularly relevant for families of gifted children. Keep this in mind on your visits, and consider avoiding these “worst” college visitation tips:

Bad tip #1: Skip the information session

Some online advice suggests skipping the information sessions in favor of the tour. Although info sessions can seem redundant when they cover facts already listed on the college website, they still provide a window into the school’s values, priorities, and admission criteria…especially if you listen carefully and read between the lines.

Pay attention to the overt and subtle messages conveyed by the speaker, whether they are welcoming or seem annoyed by questions, and if the information is clear and relevant or more like a pep rally full of stats about sports teams and famous alumni.

Even if the information conveyed is vague and filled with fluff, you may pick up useful gems about the college’s general attitudes about education that may play a critical role in the decision-making process.

Bad tip #2: Stick to the tour

College tours can be deceiving.

Tours are designed to impress and to cover presumably appealing highlights about the campus — college landmarks, beautiful buildings, the library, a new gymnasium — but may not provide the information you and your child need. On one tour, we were ushered into a gorgeous cathedral filled with soaring rafters and sparkling stained glass. However, it was highly unlikely that my son would spend any time there as a student!

After the official tour ends, go on a tour of your own. Visit buildings you and your teen would like to see. If your child knows their potential major, visit the building where it’s housed. This is especially important with hands-on majors, such as art, music, theatre, engineering, and the sciences. Go to an extracurricular activity they plan to join. If they are an athlete, an actor, or a musician, for example, encourage them to visit the venues where they will be spending their time…and if possible, attend a sports game or concert.

Bad tip #3: Listen to your tour guide

Too many families overvalue the advice from tour guides during college visits. They rave about their ability to walk backwards, pepper them with “trick” questions about what really happens at campus parties, and expect truthful answers about problems at the school. Some even eliminate a college from their list because of a disappointing tour. Keep in mind, though, that most tour guides are 20-year-old students in work study jobs. You might obtain a snippet of inside information, but it is colored by the guide’s perspective or censored so they won’t get fired from their job.

Rather than expecting so much from these student guides, use the tour to notice the surroundings, buildings, current students, and those visiting on the tour along with you — who may end up as your child’s classmates. Does the campus and student body seem like a good fit for your child?

Bad tip #4: Pay attention to the dorm visit

Most families look forward to visiting a dorm room during their tour… tape measure in hand. While this can be informative, what you observe is only one of the many dorms on campus, and may not be representative of where your child will live. Instead, you might learn more from online campus tours and dorm room floor plans.

Similarly, eating in the dining hall may provide some perspective about whether the food seems edible, but one meal alone will not adequately reflect the quality of the dining services. What may be more beneficial while you’re there, though, is observing interactions among students, how quickly they can navigate the dining hall to access a meal, the variety of available foods, and options for dietary accommodations, if needed.

Bad tip #5: Sitting in on a class is a waste of time

Some people advise against sitting in on classes, since your teen might encounter a professor on a bad day, or one with a less than engaging teaching style. Nevertheless, your child can learn a lot from class attendance. They can witness the pace and complexity of instruction, picture themselves in the room as a college student, and determine whether the class is much too easy, just about right, or way too hard. They can see how professors interact with students, whether they encourage class participation, or merely lecture to them. They can view how engaged students are, whether they offer their ideas, or remain disinterested and glued to their phones.

If the college doesn’t provide a list of classes that your child can visit, suggest that they contact the school for more information about how to sit in on a class of interest. Often, contacting the department of their intended major can connect them with a professor who would welcome them for a visit. And observing several different classes is ideal, especially if visiting the college after acceptance.

Bad tip #6: Your child should decide where you visit

Your child certainly needs to make the final decision when choosing where to attend college. But sometimes, teens can discount certain colleges based on false impressions and biases and end up eliminating viable options (as I mentioned above about our college visits). Some teens are set on specific colleges because of prestige, its status as a party school, or whether or not Greek life predominates the social scene.

More relevant factors need to be considered, such as cost; financial aid; the school’s size and location (city, suburb, rural); distance from home; options for internships, research opportunities, or career placement; curriculum requirements; special accommodations (if needed); and diversity of the student population.

As their parent, you can also formulate a plan ahead of time, gently encourage visits to additional colleges not on their list, and challenge any initial misconceptions about these schools. Some high achieving students may set their sights on highly competitive “reach” schools and refuse to consider other choices. It is essential to include both academic and financial “safety” schools (where your child is likely to be admitted) and to have at least several realistic choices, since admission to your child’s dream school may not materialize.

Bottom line:

Get informed, learn as much as you can about colleges, recognize what your child needs — academically, socially, and emotionally — and use caution when following advice (even this article’s advice) found online. Visits aren’t for everyone… especially given travel costs. But if you have the time and money, a college visit can be an eye-opener…as well as a chance to bond with your child.

Recognize that most overworked guidance counselors may not have enough information to guide your child, and responsibility for the college search will fall on you. Be clear about costs, and let your child know if some schools are not affordable (before they set their sights on a college they can never attend).

Pay attention to your own personal needs, wishes, and fears, and try to separate these from what you consider the best course of action for your child. Remain available to offer suggestions, answer questions, and calm their nerves, but try to refrain from expressing too many opinions. Listen closely as your child shares whatever thoughts, impressions, excitement, or disappointments arise.

And enjoy this wonderful opportunity to share a unique experience with your child where together, you can envision their future!

Note: A version of this article was previously published on the Parenting Portal on Medium.

Gifted Adults and Relationships: Questions to Ask Yourself and Your Partner

2025-10-14T14:28:00.000-04:00

What you learn from self-reflection can lead to greater connection

Gifted adults are pretty darned smart. But sometimes, that intelligence doesn’t translate into relationship savvy.

What gives?

As described in Ten Sources of Relationship Stress among Gifted Adults, giftedness infuses a variety of intensities that can complicate matters for gifted people seeking romantic partners or when trying to express their needs in relationships.

Sometimes a tendency toward emotional reactivity, intensity, impatience, introversion or offbeat interests can create barriers and make life difficult for one’s partner.

Sometimes asynchronous development leads to a late start with forming relationships, so that connecting with a partner may seem awkward or overly complicated at first.

Sometimes insecurity or perfectionistic expectations about relationships or a driven, single-minded focus on work can create barriers to even finding a partner.

Gifted adults are also drawn to those with a similar IQ. Often the bottom line involves finding someone you can appreciate and respect, whose intellectual quickness, complexity, and intensity matches your own. However, this merger of gifted traits can complicate self-expression, conflict resolution, or even routine discussions.

There is no quick fix for relationship conflicts. Every couple has their struggles, gifted or not. But self-awareness is critical and is the most important step toward improving any relationship.

These are a few key questions you and your partner might ask yourselves

The questions below can be helpful for anyone; you don’t have to be gifted to reflect on your relationship and relational needs!

As a gifted person, though, keep in mind how your intensity, active mind, and heightened sensitivities play a role.

You might use these questions as journal prompts or as topics to discuss with your partner, friends, or therapist. You might record them with your own voice and then listen to them while walking, commuting, or during spiritual or meditative reflection.

1. What relational needs, fears, and values affect my interactions?

What are my true needs in any relationship?

What do I value most, and what is most important to me?

What are my greatest fears?

What are points of compromise and acceptance when we disagree? What can I accept and live with and what is non-negotiable?

2. Am I responding to my partner based on what they are really saying?

Am I actually listening to what they are saying rather than thinking about formulating a defensive response?

Am I reacting based on my needs and fears?

Am I making interpretations based on any of the following:

assumptions regarding my partner’s motives or intentions
preconceived ideas about relationships based on my upbringing, film and social media portrayals of couples, or my friends’ opinions
assumptions based on past reactions from my partner rather than considering that they might be open to change
peer/family expectations and pressure
unresolved residue from unhappy relationships in the past
fear of loss, rejection, or criticism
a desire to have my partner make up for loss, insecurity, or hurtful experiences from childhood

3. What role do I play in any conflicts?

What is my role in creating or perpetuating conflict in my relationship?

Do I have any expectations that my partner must compensate for negative childhood or relationship experiences? Am I assuming that my partner can alleviate all of my fears and insecurities?

Are gifted traits, such as impatience, heightened sensitivities, intense reactivity, boredom with routine tasks, or existential depression affecting how I relate to my partner?

How are my communications skills?

Am I communicating directly, honestly, and respectfully?
Am I avoiding use of derogatory, harsh, or disrespectful statements (or non-verbal behavior)?
Am I being clear, or are my interactions tinged with subtle (or not so subtle) motives or criticism?
Am I expressing myself before I feel overwhelmed with anger?
Am I using “I” statements to convey my personal experience, rather than pointing out all of my partner’s faults?
Am I willing to apologize when I am wrong?

4. How can I understand my partner’s needs more?

What do I know about my partner’s view of relationships, values, and communication? How does my partner’s family, upbringing, and personal values color their expectations about communication and how they express their needs?

Is my partner able to communicate openly, or do they need time to open up? What are the best times, situations, and approaches for reaching my partner?

5. What can I do to improve my relationship?

What can I bring to the relationship that would improve it? Would it benefit from more openness, self-awareness, time together, time apart, shared interests, romantic or sexual intimacy, humor, or unconditional support?

How can I show my partner that I respect, appreciate, and enjoy being with them, despite the daily and routine frustrations that occur in any relationship?

Is there unresolved anger from a past experience that we need to address and forgive?

When you hit a roadblock

Most relationships run into problems at some point; the challenge involves addressing conflicts early and finding a solution before an entrenched pattern develops. Every couple is different and need to discover what will best resolve the impasse. That’s why most “quick fixes” just don’t work. But asking yourselves the above-mentioned questions, either individually or as a couple, is an important step toward uncovering the problem and finding a solution.

If you cannot work this through together, couples therapy is sometimes a useful option, where a licensed mental health professional can provide objective feedback that will improve your communications. If you are overlooking or excusing very real abusive behavior from your partner, though, your safety is essential. Please to seek mental health guidance or contact your local crisis line.

Learning more about patterns couples face can be found in several classic books about relationships listed below:

Bernstein, J. & Magee, S. (2003). Why can’t you read my mind? Da Capo Press.

Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Crown Publishers.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight. Little, Brown and Co.

A similar version of this article was also published on Substack.

When Gifted Education Gets it Right

2025-09-01T11:18:00.000-04:00

In retrospect, my kids had it easy.

They attended a reasonably challenging public school in a suburb outside of Philadelphia. Racially and ethnically diverse, the school championed innovative education and equity-based policies. Dedicated and kind teachers were the norm.

But like many parents raising a gifted child, my children’s learning needs were often ignored.

And I say “learning needs” rather than achievement or abilities. Because it was not about accomplishments or awards or any of the other false assumptions presumed to lurk underneath a parent’s motivations and concerns.

First, a quick overview of giftedness

Cognitive giftedness is usually identified through an individualized IQ test administered by a psychologist or neuropsychologist. Typically, someone with an IQ of 130 or higher, which is statistically more than two standard deviations above the mean score of 100, is considered gifted. However, additional criteria have been proposed, including exceptional creativity, motivation, task commitment, environmental influences that can enhance or hamper capabilities, and asynchronous development, where social/emotional maturity often lags behind intellectual capacity.

Despite these expanded views of giftedness, many children still remain unidentified because they don’t “look gifted” to the adults in charge.

Gifted under-identification is especially common among students who are English Language Learners, persons of color, or reside in impoverished neighborhoods, creating what researchers Jonathan Plucker and Scott Peters labeled an “excellence gap.” Essentially, those most in need of enrichment remain underserved.

Gifted under-identification also occurs when gifted children underachieve or mask their giftedness to fit in socially or when they have a twice-exceptional condition (such as ADHD or a learning disability) that obscures their strengths.

Giftedness amplifies social and emotional intensity, and can be tied to heightened sensitivity and reactivity to stress. Gifted kids may struggle with anxiety or perfectionistic tendencies and often feel like perpetual outliers.

Given these multiple social, emotional, and intellectual components, it’s not surprising that giftedness is a woefully misunderstood concept.

Even when gifted students are identified, most schools lack the financial resources or administrative initiative to provide a challenging education. Some view gifted education as a privileged, elitist construct, rather than a means of addressing learning differences. And when giftedness is acknowledged, many schools expect their already overburdened teachers to provide differentiated instruction to a classroom full of students with widely different academic needs (which is an almost impossible task).

Well-researched strategies, such as subject or grade acceleration or ability grouping are often ignored, with the unfair educational burden placed upon classroom teachers. But even the most well-intentioned and caring teachers have little time to focus on the 1–5% of students who are gifted.

What parents want

Most parents of gifted kids just want their child to thrive, or at least not despair, especially when rote assignments and endless boredom fill their days. They want to collaborate with their child’s teachers. They want to trust the school to support their child’s learning needs… and not merely assume said child “will do just fine,” regardless of their education.

As I wrote in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, research indicates that parents of gifted children are acutely attuned to the school’s deficiencies. And in my psychotherapy and consulting practice, I frequently hear their stories of frustration and despair. Desperate to support their child’s needs, and panicked about their child’s boredom and disillusionment, many are nevertheless quite hesitant to advocate and evoke perceptions that they are one of “those” hovering, pushy, over-involved parents.

When schools get it right

But sometimes, schools take an expansive look at how gifted students are taught. They ignore the naysayers and offer an innovative opportunity that challenges boredom and inertia. My kids weathered some rough patches in school. But there were shining moments of innovation, kindness, and clarity.

Here’s one example that worked… at least while it lasted.

The middle school quietly offered a sixth grade English/Language Arts class open to only advanced or gifted students. While there were two ELA sections — basic and accelerated — this class was even more challenging… a double accelerated option rarely offered at the school. More like a college seminar than a structured class, the students read challenging and complex novels, debated each other like junior attorneys, and explored concepts in depth. The kids loved the class, the teacher loved their enthusiasm and engagement, and parents were grateful for this rare opportunity.

And not only was it a cost-effective option, it provided students with a reprieve from the pressure to fit in with middle school culture. They could relax, express their enthusiasm for learning, and not worry that their “nerdiness” would leave them exposed and targeted for bullying.

But this class was a well-kept secret, coined the “super secret, double accelerated English class,” by us wary and weary parents who realized the class offering was on borrowed time. All too soon, administrators, school board members, and vocal parents within the community caught on, lobbing complaints that an advanced class was elitist. It was abolished after only a few years in existence; pressure to assimilate children into heterogeneous classroom structures drove the decision.

The appearance of cognitive equity was viewed as more important than these students’ actual cognitive differences, whose learning needs were sacrificed to appease angry stakeholders with little understanding of giftedness. Every child has different strengths and challenges; assuming that a one-size-fits-all class is sufficient is a disservice to students and teachers alike.

Advances in gifted education arrive in waves

Many families and teachers ride the wave, relishing those rare opportunities for enrichment and when a gem of a class is offered. My sons had some great teachers, as well as many amazing opportunities, including advanced math and Latin classes at several universities. But many of their most enriching opportunities occurred outside of school, such as participation in city-wide music ensembles and challenging chess tournaments.

What gifted students need

The basics of a challenging and meaningful education for gifted students haven’t changed much since my kids were in school, and include:

Subject and/or grade acceleration, along with dual enrollment opportunities at colleges
Ability grouping or at least clustering gifted students together within classrooms
Universal pre-screening to identify those students who “don’t look gifted” or have twice-exceptional conditions. It is essential that all gifted children’s educational needs are supported, regardless of race, religion, ethnicity, gender, or socioeconomic background.
Educating teachers and the wider school community about the learning differences found among gifted children
A willingness to utilize funding to support faculty education and provide much needed services for these children (Unfortunately, the Jacob K. Javits grant, which provides federal funding is on the chopping block in Congress and targeted for elimination for the 2026 fiscal year.)

Like any child with unique learning needs or deficits, gifted children wither if deprived of an adequate education. Gifted education doesn’t have to be perfect. But a consistent attempt to offer students a challenging, engaging education should be the baseline consideration.

More information about gifted education can be found at the following sites:

National Association for Gifted Children

Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted

Davidson Gifted

An overview of research on gifted education is also available in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey.

This article is similar to one recently published on Substack and Medium.

Ten Sources of Relationship Stress among Gifted Adults

2025-07-08T18:11:00.000-04:00

Why would gifted people struggle in relationships?

After all, they can reason their way out of just about anything, have whip-smart minds, and can look at a problem from almost any angle. What gives?

Here’s the quick take: Just like gifted children, gifted adults are different from the norm. Their intensity, complexity, and deep-thinking minds don’t vanish once they turn 18.

Often acutely sensitive and highly attuned to the world around them, gifted adults still think outside of the box, grasp information at a faster pace, and hunger for intellectual stimulation.

But many have endured a childhood marked by social challenges — asynchronous development (where social maturity lagged behind intellectual strengths), a tendency to overthink their interactions, and an aching loneliness from feeling like a perpetual outlier.

As a result, many gifted adults missed out on the typical adolescent rites of passage and came late to the game when navigating relationships.

Here are some emotions and behaviors that can put a strain on relationships.

Do any of these fit for you?

1. Boredom

Gifted people have little tolerance for boredom. This doesn’t mean they will tire of their partner, but it may be harder to find someone who is both an appealing romantic interest and intellectually stimulating. Some gifted adults have a limited number of friends as a result, or have had fewer romantic relationships because of their selectivity. They just cannot tolerate the prospect of being bored. It’s a dealbreaker.

2. Impatience

Their capacity for quickly grasping information can lead to impatience and frustration with a partner or spouse who is not as capable. Angry, critical or sarcastic comments, a tendency to take charge, or a pattern of overlooking a partner's contributions can take a toll on any relationship. Sometimes gifted people might even seem arrogant when they become frustrated with others' more pedestrian pace. (They don’t mean to be arrogant — they just can’t accept a slower grasp of information.)

3. Pressure to succeed

The drive to achieve makes life more complicated. It can fuel an extreme, unrelenting focus on the task at hand, or harsh self-criticism when sometimes perfectionistic standards are not met. Individuals living with this internalized pressure may neglect their families and friends, value work over social/family relationships, and may be subject to mood swings and irritability.

4. Always needing to be right

Since gifted people usually excel at what they do, some may assume that they always know the correct answer, at least in those areas where they have expertise. A pattern may develop where they must be right in any debate. With their exceptional verbal skills, they can defend their point and relentlessly pursue an argument until they win, or until their opponent (i.e., their partner or spouse) gives up out of frustration.

5. Sense of isolation

Just as in childhood, some gifted adults feel relatively isolated. They view themselves as outliers with few true peers. Sometimes depressed, and often feeling misunderstood, they assume that they have little in common with the general population, and spend a substantial amount of time alone. If they are in a marriage or relationship, they may avoid communicating feelings they assume their partner will not understand.

6. Feeling awkward and insecure

Some gifted adults retain a self-concept from childhood, and feel like they are in middle school all over again. Their discomfort in social situations can lead to isolation and an avoidance of activities they might actually enjoy. Some may try to mask their fears or offer excuses (I have to work tonight again), but ultimately, their insecurities may limit their ability to find, form, and sustain friendships and relationships.

7. A need for alone time

Many gifted individuals are introverted and gain sustenance from time alone. Time to think can be restorative and fuel their creativity and inspiration. But partners or spouses may feel left out when their gifted partner retreats, and friends will become frustrated when social invitations are often declined.

8. Indulgence in offbeat or multiple interests

Since they grasp information with such complexity and depth, and are often multipotentialites, many gifted individuals plunge into varied and sometimes offbeat interests with a startling amount of passion and intensity. Training for a marathon, building a deck, or writing their first novel require intense drive and focus — something gifted people have in abundance. When they come up for air, though, they may notice a frustrated and angry partner who feels sidelined and ignored.

9. Oversensitivities

Many gifted adults also retain the heightened sensitivities and overexcitabilities that emerged in childhood. Spouses or partners who are less sensitive or reactive may become annoyed when their gifted partner is overwhelmed by too much sensory stimulation, becomes highly emotional, or needs to withdraw to regroup.

10. Existential depression

Gifted individuals may endure periods of existential depression as they grapple with what is meaningful and try to make sense of the world. Feelings of alienation, disillusionment and emptiness trigger a sense of despair — something increasingly common during these troubling political times. Existential depression takes its toll on partners of gifted adults as well, as they may feel powerless in their attempts to offer support.

Anyone can exhibit the above-mentioned behaviors. Gifted adults are not the only people who become impatient, bored, or question the meaning of life. But giftedness increases the likelihood that these patterns will unfold in adult relationships.

When both partners are gifted

Relationships become even more complex when both partners are gifted. Most people are drawn to friends and romantic partners whose IQ falls within a similar range. So both parties bring their emotional reactivity, sensitivity, impatience, and any of the above listed behaviors and coping strategies into the relationship. This may call for even greater self-awareness, improved communications skills, and empathy for each other's needs.

But here’s the good news

The above relationship hiccups are only a part of the puzzle. It’s not all bad. Most gifted people are, well, pretty cool. Creative. Intense. Passionate about what is most meaningful… which just might be you!

If you and your partner are gifted, relish the positives you both bring to the mix. Addressing some of the rough patches does not diminish the amazing, interesting, compelling reasons you are together in the first place.

In a future post, I will address approaches for managing relationship conflicts. Stay tuned!

Journal prompts:

What has worked for you in relationships with loved ones?

How have you grown and changed as you work on improving your relationships?

What feelings, situations, or fears interfere with tackling change?

How do I turn my gifted traits into something positive that will enhance my relationships?

Please share any ideas or tips in the comments section below. Thanks!

This article is similar to a post recently published on Substack.

Help Your Gifted Child Build Resilience This Summer

2025-05-23T16:31:00.000-04:00

Those lazy, hazy days of summer can be a great time for resilience-building.

Summer is that mixed bag of fun, freedom, a reprieve from responsibilities… and long stretches of boredom and isolation. At least for many gifted kids. Separated from their school friends, anxious about starting a new class or camp, and lacking structure from the school year, many feel lost and alone.

Some parents initiate a flurry of activities and scheduled events; others let their kids meander through the summer, devise their own entertainment, and take a break from formal education.

Whatever your summer plans, though, you can place some resilience-building activities on the agenda.

What is resilience?

Resilience is loosely defined as the ability to bounce back from and thrive after adversity. It is a behavioral skill that can be cultivated — not a fixed personality trait. No one is resilient in every situation; we are influenced by an interplay of personal characteristics and family, cultural, and social circumstances.

In my recent review article of research on giftedness and resilience, studies have shown the following:

Giftedness can contribute to both inherent strengths that serve as protective factors, but also amplify social, emotional, academic, motivational, and vocational struggles. Gifted intellectual strengths (including critical thinking skills, internal locus of control, and openness to experience) have been viewed as buffering mechanisms that enhance resilience; however, the emotional reactivity common among the gifted also may impart a psychological vulnerability”

In other words, “giftedness infuses an added layer of cognitive complexity, introspection, and sensitivity that may trigger or intensify emotional distress.” In fact, the benefits of resilience-building cannot be overstated — and at times, it is more essential than other skills-building or talent development opportunities.

How to help your gifted child build resilience

Children benefit from a challenge — and ultimately develop resilience when they grow from said challenge.

But finding the sweet spot between challenges that are too easy or too hard can be difficult. Whether associated with academic, athletic, or social challenges, parents of gifted kids often struggle to find the right balance. Here are a few resilience-building ideas:

1. Try a new or difficult activity

It is humbling to try something new.

Many gifted children are used to excelling and may base their sense of self upon this expectation. Any possibility of failure or mediocrity can be devastating. Trying a difficult new task provides an opportunity to upend these expectations and build resilience. Pushing themselves further to tackle something new can instill the essential "non-cognitive skills" (such as empathy, motivation, humility, endurance) that help them thrive.

They also might discover a new interest or previously unrealized strengths .

Skills-building can include trying a completely new activity, pushing themselves to advance a skill they already enjoy, engaging their creative strengths, or delving more deeply into an area of interest. If your child loves math, for example, they might learn to code. If they love art, they might try a new painting technique or transition from watercolor to oil painting. If they gravitate toward science, a fun summer chemistry class might ignite their interests further.

Any new skill developed over the summer can build resilience and instill greater confidence as they approach the next school year.

2. Tackle fears

Summer is a good time for tackling nagging fears and anxiety. A less demanding schedule frees up time to work on what worries your gifted child most, whether it’s fear of failure and imperfection or entrenched fears and phobias. This requires a measured, compassionate, and supportive approach, devoid of harsh expectations or rigid goals. You know your child best, and probably already know that pushing them too hard will backfire, provoke further resistance, and even increase their fears. A child who is terrified of heights, for example, is not yet ready for a ziplining course.

However, a gradual approach and gentle prodding or goal-setting can help them face what they most fear. Healthy distractions, calming strategies, mindfulness techniques, and even deep breathing exercises can provide support as they confront these fears. (Please note that sometimes working with a licensed mental health professional can assist them when they need more guidance and support.)

3. Find new friends

Friendships can be complicated for gifted kids.

They are drawn to like-minded peers who "get them" and can appreciate or at least accept their sometimes intense and offbeat approach to the world. But even when they find someone who seems relatable, they may hesitate to build a friendship. Encourage your child to set a playdate with the child they rave about from robotics camp, for example, or plan a movie outing with their new friend from art class — even if reaching out seems overwhelming. If your child is willing to let you guide them, coach them and use role-play on how to approach other children.

Most kids your child encounters are not cognitively gifted, though, and may not approach the world with the same level of intensity. But learning to find friends among that vast sea of neurotypical children will serve your gifted child well. Encourage them to reach out to the new neighbor or their tennis partner from camp or that outgoing, seemingly confident child they sometimes play with at the playground.

The ability to relate to those who seem different is a skill that will last a lifetime. Introverted, intense, or shy gifted kids benefit from as many opportunities as possible to flex those social skills muscles.

4. Set goals and follow through on them

Encourage your child to set some basic goals and follow through on them. Your child builds resilience when they learn to ride a bike, develop a new skill, write their college entrance essays ahead of time (if they are a rising senior), tackle their fear of spiders, or invite a new friend to come over and play.

Perfection and absolute success are never required; coming close to reaching their goals, seeing their progress along the way, and keeping an open mind toward trying something new are valuable lessons.

You also might have specific goals you would like your child to accomplish — like reading a few books or keeping their room clean. You can certainly express your expectations and work with them to devise incentives or rewards for reaching these goals. And a reminder: rewards do not have to be monumental. Develop a reasonable plan with mini-rewards (such as an extra hour at the pool or additional screen time) as they achieve markers of success or demonstrate reasonable efforts to follow through on tasks.

5. Find volunteer activities

Volunteer work creates fulfillment and an eyes-wide-open perspective on privilege and the struggles others endure. It enhances resilience-building as children gain empathy for others' needs and build confidence when they recognize how they can be of service. Some examples include working on a fund drive to support a homeless shelter, picking up litter at a local park, volunteering at an animal shelter, or coaching a younger student to improve math skills.

Gifted children possess an abundance of empathy and concerns about fairness and social justice. Volunteer work will appeal to them and fulfill that longing to better the world. Any meaningful (and safe) activity or effort is valuable and sets a pattern of "giving back" that should last well into adulthood.

While the above suggestions might be useful, keep in mind that resilience-building experiences can occur without specific plans.

In fact, unstructured playtime also builds resilience and enhances problem-solving strategies. Whether managing periods of boredom, negotiating disagreements with neighborhood kids, climbing to the top of the playground equipment, or designing their next LEGO masterpiece, they become more adept at handling social, physical, and learning challenges.

When real-world challenges arise, encourage your child to reflect upon the skills they enlisted and what they learned about themselves. The benefits of resilience-building activities are solidified when they can understand how meeting a challenge fuels their personal growth and confidence. And you, as their parent, are best suited to point out their strengths, their adaptability, and how much they have progressed!

Happy Summer!

This article was previously published on my Substack page.

College admissions Day: Don't Let the Uncertainty Derail You

2025-04-03T23:05:00.001-04:00

Photo: The author

April 1st (April Fool’s Day) can seem more like consolation day for many gifted and high achieving high school seniors.

And it's no joke.

Frequently referred to as “Ivy Day,” colleges within the Ivy League and other elite colleges hold off until April 1 (or a late date in March) to send out their admissions decisions. Families wait impatiently, filled with hope and dread.

Many students are left feeling angry and despondent as they learn that the college of their choice is not an option. But with acceptance rates well below 10% at many highly selective colleges, even exceptional students are shut out.

When high ability or gifted children are young, parents might assume that high school success will translate into an array of college choices. Some are shocked and bitter when their child is rejected from a wide range of schools. They may believe they have been deceived and betrayed; their child’s hard work and effort was ignored, and raw talent and ability overlooked.

A recent Forbes article highlights the folly of pinning hopes on a specific “dream school,” and points out that after the initial disappointment wanes, most students actually feel good about where they attend college. A survey of 5000 college seniors conducted through the National Survey of Student Engagement reported that 72% claimed they would choose the same college again. In other words, students survive the rejection and eventually feel good about their college decisions.

What I have learned about college admissions — as both a parent and psychologist

In my role as a psychologist and parenting consultant, I have spoken with hundreds of parents over the years whose children applied to dream schools that seemed out of reach. These teens are all amazing, lovely, accomplished students with great potential. Yet, all were rejected.

Many teens and their families refuse to consider the low odds of admissions at colleges with 5% acceptance rates. What about all my hard work? What about my extra-curricular activities? What about my high SAT scores? Even when chances are slim, they hold out hope — rather than putting their choices into perspective and appreciating that they can excel wherever they go to college.

Why are so many highly capable and qualified students rejected from their first-choice college?

When highly selective colleges are inundated with applications, they have to draw the line somewhere. They have quotas, priorities and long-range goals, along with financial burdens. While most would likely prefer to admit the most talented, high-achieving students they can find, selecting who fits this criteria is complicated. And the sheer number of academically successful applicants is astonishing. National Merit Finalist Valedictorians with stellar SAT's are viewed as commonplace, and most will be rejected without some additional compelling qualifications.

College admissions officers at these selective colleges will tell you they are seeking a well-rounded, diversified class of students. They claim to use “holistic admissions,” viewing the whole student and not just grades and SAT scores. Yet, this term is often used as a thinly veiled directive for achieving quotas that, for example, consider the student’s geographic location, athletic ability, family wealth, or legacy connection (otherwise known as “hooks”). The highly publicized college admissions cheating scandal several years ago pointed to the dark side of college admissions, along with the extent some parents will go to advance their child's career.

While many families rage about the unfairness of admissions policies, the reality is that most “unhooked” students will get rejected by many of their top choices. A Forbes article from over a decade ago highlights the disingenuous admissions process. Other than a roller coaster of mandates regarding DEI (diversity, equity, and inclusion) as a factor to be considered (or now, not permitted) in college admissions decisions, not much has changed over the past decade.

What if your child is still in the college-planning process?

When a student does not possess the "hooks" that boost chances for admissions, they will need to stand out from the crowd. This is especially true for those who attend public school or are homeschooled, since many private schools have counselors dedicated to maintaining connections with elite colleges. A 4.0 and top SAT scores may prompt a closer look, but without other outstanding qualifications, the elite, tippy-top schools will toss their application into the rejection pile.

Gifted and high achieving students need to create a compelling profile that is quite exceptional and well beyond the norm. To garner a "second look," students need an application that conveys a depth of ability and achievement, such as performing independent research, excelling at college courses (taken as part of dual enrollment), exceptional mastery in the arts, awards from science fairs or other demanding competitions, or truly innovative extracurriculars or volunteer work. Sometimes, they need all of the above to demonstrate both breadth and depth of focus. Their efforts must clearly convey their aptitude as well as their motivation to tackle unique and challenging work.

But not all gifted students need to attend one of the elite, tippy-top colleges!

Before applying to highly selective colleges, parents need to clearly understand their child's social, emotional, and academic needs. They also must consider their child's realistic chances for admission. Look at the highest percentiles of grades, SAT scores, and other requirements for acceptance rates at the college. Look at tools your child’s high school may have, such as Naviance, that anonymously list students’ SAT scores and GPAs along with where they matriculated. If your child is in that range, they may stand a chance. But realize that admission to an ivy league or comparable school (such as Stanford or MIT), is almost impossible to predict. While elite colleges can offer gifted students many benefits (including exceptional financial aid), there are other wonderful colleges out there that should not be overlooked.

It is essential that high ability and gifted students identify less competitive schools that would be a good fit and would readily welcome them. Many schools offer honors programs and other specialized tracks that can provide a great education. Gifted students can excel wherever they go and will find mentors, excellent professors and innovative programs that can stimulate their creativity. Attachment to a "dream" school is a set-up for disappointment in the capricious, uncertain world of college admissions.

When I wrote a similar article about college admissions ten years ago, both of my kids were in college and had already weathered the application process. Both were public school students, but were fortunate to gain admission to excellent colleges. They didn’t pad their resumes, but instead, stayed focused on what they loved and what grabbed their interests throughout high school. Neither cared about prestige or finding business connections to land a job on Wall Street. More pressing needs included finding the best fit (academically, intellectually, and socially) and acquiring financial aid.

A Note to Current Seniors

And consider the long game. College is a stepping stone to a future career. In a recent Gallup survey of 30,000 college graduates, factors unrelated to college prestige (such as caring professors, a mentor, and practical experiences through internships) were better predictors of job success and well-being than the specific college they attended.

It may not seem fair that you didn't get into your dream school. But you can use your abilities to thrive wherever you go. And perhaps this experience will help you gain perspective and develop resilience when facing future challenges. Good luck with your decisions!

Additional articles about college admissions:

Ten college planning tips: What families of gifted children need to know

Families of gifted teens: Avoid these “worst” college visitation tips

What most parents of gifted children wish they had known about college planning

Welcome to Gifted Parenting: A Checklist of Emotions for Parents of Gifted Children

2025-03-07T11:28:00.003-05:00

Image: Pexels/August de Richelieu

Surprise! Your child is gifted.

Or maybe it wasn't such a surprise. Perhaps you saw the signs from an early age: the precocity, the early language acquisition, the endless questioning, the obsession with everything LEGO. Regardless of whether there was any warning, it is a shock, a joy, and a bundle of anxiety all wrapped in a bow.

Welcome to gifted parenting!

As you grapple with decisions about schools and advocacy or search for books/classes/activities that engage your child's passions, you might notice that your own emotions surge at unexpected times. These emotions nag at you when your child seems bored at school or is misunderstood and their intentions disparaged. Anxiety swells as you lie awake, worrying about your child’s future. Fear, envy, pride, resentment, disappointment, anger, and bitterness are no strangers to parents of gifted children.

Unfortunately, there is very little attention to the parent’s experience in the research literature, as I found when writing my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey:

“A Google Scholar search of the emotional and psychological adjustment among parents of gifted children uncovered only a few studies. Instead, most articles targeted the parent’s perceptions of their child’s adjustment or how parenting behavior affected their gifted child.”

Nevertheless, parents of gifted children are well aware of how their experience raising a gifted or twice-exceptional child is different from the norm.

So many emotions

The first step toward coping with these complex emotions is to identify them.

Which of the following seem familiar to you?

___ I worry about my child's ability to fit in with other kids.

___ I resent the amount of extra energy I have to expend to engage my child's academic needs.

___ I am angry that the school offers few (if any) gifted services.

___ I feel embarrassed when my gifted child is so immature; sometimes they act as if they are years younger than their actual age.

___ I am tired of being treated like a pushy parent just because I ask for more challenging work for my child.

___ I envy other families whose kids seem so "normal."

___ I am frustrated that my child exerts little effort and is coasting through school; they are wasting their potential and the school overlooks this.

___ I wish I could show my enthusiasm and pride over my child's accomplishments and not worry that others might think I'm bragging.

___ I resent it when others think my child's abilities result from me pushing and prepping them. If anything, I am just along for the ride… and trying to keep up!

___ I resent that I have to do all of the work sorting out college options and that the school offers little guidance

___ I feel angry toward relatives who don't get it and minimize my concerns about my child.

___ I feel guilty that I don't want to do all of this advocacy work in the schools or that I don’t want to homeschool them.

___ I feel in awe of my child sometimes; I can't believe they can accomplish some of the amazing things they do.

___ I worry that I am not doing enough to push them to succeed.

___ I also sometimes worry that I am pushing them too much and it will backfire.

___ I feel heartbroken when my child is excluded from social events because they are so "different" from their peers.

___ I wish I could just relax and trust the schools to do their job.

___ I worry that they never will be happy, that they will always will feel so different from others, and will have trouble finding friends, a spouse or partner, and a job that is truly meaningful.

Do some of these sound familiar? Okay... most of them?

Parents of gifted children often struggle in silence with emotions that evoke guilt and shame. This is heightened when others imply that they should feel grateful about their child's abilities. After all, high IQ should be a ticket to happiness, Harvard, and any job they want. Right? Well, not exactly! Such myths and stereotypes only compound the stress involved with raising a gifted child.

Parenting an intense, curious, and reactive child, who may be asynchronous, highly sensitive, and out of sync with peers, is not easy. Constantly advocating for academic needs is demanding and overwhelming. And although intelligence certainly offers many advantages, it is no guarantee of success, joy, or admission to the college of their choice.

What you can do

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional children benefit from accepting the challenges of the road ahead. You're in it for the long haul, so get the support you need. The following may help:

1. Learn as much as you can about gifted children, gifted education and parenting. The more you know, the more you will understand about what you and your child are experiencing. It will normalize, validate and provide much needed information. A few of the well-known publishers of books about giftedness include Gifted Unlimited Press, Prufrock Press, GHF Press, and Free Spirit Publishing. And some great online information sites include NAGC, SENG, Hoagie's Gifted, GHF, and Davidson's. A variety of podcasts are also available. Get informed!

2. Find or start your own gifted parenting support group. These provide support, mutual understanding, and validation rarely found elsewhere. They provide a venue for shared information about what works and what doesn't within the schools, and a powerful tool for advocacy. Online groups are available on some social media sites, also, which can provide support and validation. (See my article, though, about your child’s privacy and sharing confidential information online.)

3. Take care of yourself. This goes for every parent, of course, but don't forget to find time for enjoyable activities, relaxation, and fun and silliness with your child. Learn stress management techniques for when you need them, and make time for friends, your partner or spouse, and enriching, meaningful activities. Your child also will benefit from you as a calm, happy parent.

4. If you haven't already realized it, please know that EVERY emotion listed on the above checklist is normal, understandable, and widespread among parents of gifted children. It is understandable to feel angry, alone, resentful and sad about these challenges. Accepting this reality may help with the guilt and the sense of isolation that accompanies some of these feelings. Get the support you need from those friends and family who truly "get it," other parents of gifted children, and gifted parenting support groups. Don't allow these emotions to overwhelm and interfere with the joy you might otherwise experience with your child.

Thank you!

I also want to thank those of you who recently participated in a survey study that Dr. Kali Fedor and I initiated that focused on the parents’ experience raising gifted or twice-exceptional children. We will share the results once the data is analyzed and submitted to a research journal for publication.

What were some of your surprise emotions as a parent? Let us know in the comments section below.

This article was also published on my Substack newsletter.

Neurodivergence and Eating Disorders: Are They Related?

2025-02-28T09:06:00.002-05:00

The implication that eating disorders and neurodivergence share common pathways has circulated for years, despite little research. But psychotherapists and folks who suffer from an eating disorder can attest to what often seems a convergence of conditions.

“I feel so different from everyone else,” bemoaned Tara, a psychotherapy client (whose name is changed to protect confidentiality). “Holding on to my eating disorder helps me cope with the kids at school and my worries about grades. I know I don’t fit in… but at least I have my eating disorder.”

In my psychotherapy practice, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the past 40 years who struggled with an eating disorder – mostly women, but also men and those who identify as non-binary. Their intelligence, drive to excel, heightened sensitivity, and depth of thinking are striking. Some have a diagnosis of ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) or social and emotional reactivity associated with ASD (autism spectrum disorder). Some are perfectionistic and impatient; others are impulsive and engage in self-harm. Many are highly anxious, self-conscious, and despondent about social injustice; frequently, they are cognitively gifted (with an IQ of 130 or higher).

This begs the question: Is neurodiversity or giftedness a trigger for an eating disorder?

First, a quick overview:

Neurodivergent individuals process information differently from what is typical. Gifted cognitive abilities, autism, ADHD, sensory processing difficulties, and learning disabilities are common examples, and often there is some overlap among these conditions.

Anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder are the most commonly recognized eating disorders, with hallmark features that include:

• a preoccupation with food, weight and body image.

• an unhealthy change in eating patterns, such as restrictive eating, compulsive overeating, or a cycle of binge eating and compensatory attempts to prevent weight gain through use of purging behaviors or excessive exercise.

• psychological effects, such as obsessive thinking, anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, a distorted body image, and shame and secrecy about the disorder.

• medical complications, including extreme weight loss (or gain), cessation of menstrual periods, gastrointestinal disturbances, or an electrolyte imbalance.

ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder) is another condition, but is not accompanied by body image disturbance and more frequently occurs among young children. Obesity is not necessarily associated with an eating disorder, although eating disorders can be overlooked, especially when restrictive dieting is perceived as a virtue rather than a risk factor.

According to the non-profit eating disorder advocacy group ANRED, the estimated prevalence of anorexia is 1% and bulimia is 4%. Although commonly viewed as a disorder found among privileged, white women and girls, eating disorders are represented among men (approximately 5-10% of individuals with anorexia and 10-20% with bulimia are male), persons of color, LGBTQ+ populations, and even military veterans.

While a genetic or biochemical predisposition is often necessary for the development of an eating disorder, other risk factors include dieting, depression, anxiety, body image dissatisfaction, or a history of sexual abuse or severe physical abuse. Although it might seem counterintuitive, gaining control over food intake is often an attempt to suppress emotions. For example, worrying about calories, planning restrictive meals, or finding a secret place to binge can be a distraction from other distressing feelings.

The convergence of eating disorders and neurodiversity

There is little research about the convergence of neurodiverse conditions and eating disorders. In their review of the few available studies, researchers Kathrin Nickel and colleagues concluded that neurodiversity “may constitute a vulnerability factor for eating disorders.” They also note that eating disorders typically develop during puberty – a stressful time due to hormonal, social, and academic challenges, which can be particularly difficult for neurodivergent individuals.

In an earlier literature review, researchers Vanessa Huke and colleagues reported a greater prevalence of autism spectrum disorder among individuals with eating disorders, as opposed to healthy control participants. And in another review, researchers Filippo Maria Villa and colleagues found that 20% of children with ADHD develop an eating disorder. Despite limited research, the intersection between eating disorders, giftedness, and neurodivergence is often evident in psychotherapy, as I discussed in a recent interview on the Exceptional Girls podcast.

The convergence of giftedness and eating disorders seems like a perfect storm. Gifted individuals, with their propensity toward overthinking, perfectionism, heightened sensitivities, and overexcitabilities may be at risk for developing eating disorders. Other than anecdotal accounts or clinical case studies, little research is available. However, researchers Sally Beisser and Catherine Gillespie recently studied a sample of gifted teens and found that 20% held negative attitudes about body image and eating behaviors, which can be risk factors for onset of an eating disorder.

How can you help your child (or friend, student or family member) if they have an eating disorder?

An individual’s neurodivergence or giftedness impacts who they are… and it also will play a role in eating disorder treatment and recovery. An understanding of giftedness or twice-exceptionality (where giftedness coincides with a neurodivergent condition) is essential for family, friends, educators, and treatment professionals in order to help any gifted or neurodivergent person struggling with an eating disorder.

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is a reminder that identification and treatment of eating disorders is critical. (See resources listed at the end of this article for more information.)

Here are a few tips:

1. Insist that your child (or other loved one) get help. Don't take no for an answer. The sooner the problems are addressed, the easier the path to recovery. Addressing the underlying cause and taking active behavioral steps to change are essential. Eating disorders treatment requires a team approach. Outpatient treatment typically includes individual and family therapy, nutrition counseling, group support, and medical monitoring. If outpatient therapy is not enough, sometimes inpatient or day treatment programs are helpful for symptom reduction.

2. Find a comprehensive treatment team. This should include a licensed mental health professional, registered dietitian, and physician who specialize in eating disorders. I have encountered troubling situations where a therapist overlooked the severity of symptoms or where a physician downplayed the problem, commenting to the patient that “you don’t look too thin.”

Check with your pediatrician, school counselor, spiritual leader, or other trusted sources for referrals for psychotherapy, nutrition counseling and possibly, inpatient or day treatment programs. Some online sites, such as EDReferral, also may provide some resources. Your insurance company may be the worst referral source, though, since they frequently offer recommendations without regard to your specific needs.

Steer clear of advice from a personal coach or unlicensed nutritionist or fitness trainer who lacks training in the field and may offer advice that could worsen the condition. For example, dietary "cures" sometimes touted by those untrained with eating disorders or the nutritionist at your gym who focuses on weight loss can backfire and add fuel to the fire. Trust your child's and your own instincts about a therapist, even if the referral comes from someone you trust. This is an investment in your child's health, and all of you need to feel comfortable with whomever you choose.

3. Develop a plan if your child refuses therapy. If you have concerns about their health (e.g., weight loss, purging behaviors), take your child to their pediatrician, who can evaluate their symptoms and encourage them to participate in treatment. See if other trusted adults can speak with them about going to therapy.

If they still refuse to see a psychotherapist, they might be more open to meeting with a registered dietitian, who can work with them collaboratively to develop a healthy meal plan. If they cannot follow the meal plan, then you have more data to point out the need for additional treatment. Another option might be to suggest family therapy so they don’t feel targeted as the one with a problem. You might let them know that meeting together with a family therapist might help you understand their perspective. If they see that they are not blamed and that dialogue about how their eating affects the family is not threatening, they may be more open to additional treatment.

4. Get support for yourself. While it is important to respect your child's privacy, ask them if you may speak with a close family member or friend. When your child struggles, you suffer as well. As I have stressed in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, parenting support is essential. If you need additional guidance, therapy, eating disorders support groups, or even online groups can be helpful. As difficult as it is, know that your involvement and concern send a powerful message of support and encouragement to your child and aids in their eventual recovery.

Websites with helpful information and resources about eating disorders:

National Eating Disorders Association

Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders

This article was previously published on my Substack page.

Please share your thoughts, ideas, or suggestions in the comments section below.

What Troubles Parents of Gifted Children Most

2025-02-05T16:56:00.007-05:00

We know that parents of gifted kids struggle with worries. It comes with the territory.

It can feel overwhelming when most traditional childcare strategies don't work and when people who offer their opinions have little understanding of our child's intensity or energy, or asynchronous development. And as parents, we may feel isolated from our own peers, reluctant to utter the G word due to fear that we will be labeled as elitist or insensitive or just another pushy parent.

When my kids were young, there were few resources available. There was Hoagie's Gifted Education, our state-based gifted education association (PAGE), some books, and a few research articles. Now there is an explosion of research, topical posts, and workshops that explore parents' concerns. But much of the research is anecdotal, where a small number of parents were interviewed. And most of the studies focus on child-raising practices; very few focus on the parents' lived experience.

As a parent, a psychologist, and writer who has advocated for the needs of the gifted for years, I am well aware of how the parents' experience is overlooked. Parents are sometimes desperate for advice and support. In an attempt to explore this further, I launched an online survey several years ago and was overwhelmed with the generosity of parents willing to participate. Some of the raw data from that survey have been shared in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey.

Now, in collaboration with Kali Fedor, Ed.D., an assistant professor in early childhood education and exceptionality at Commonwealth University and past president of PAGE, we are extending this research and invite parents of gifted children ages 6-18 to participate. We are looking at a range of parenting concerns and hope to explore similarities and differences among parents of both gifted and twice-exceptional children.

This IRB-approved survey should only take 10 minutes of your time. If you are the parent of a gifted child ages 6-18 and have not previously participated in the survey I circulated several years ago, please consider participating, read the following study description, and click on the link below. I promise to share the results once the data have been analyzed. Thank you for your support.

Dr. Gail Post and Dr. Kali Fedor are conducting research related to the worries and concerns of parents raising gifted and/or twice-exceptional children ages 6-18. There is very little research currently on the lived experience of parenting a gifted child. This knowledge has the potential to inform and enhance educational programming in schools and support initiatives for parents, such as specialized programs or parent support groups. By participating, individuals help shape future practices and interventions that could better address the needs of gifted and twice-exceptional students, ultimately fostering more supportive educational environments. Please note that all information obtained from this survey will remain anonymous and confidential. The survey should take approximately ten minutes to complete.
This is an extension of a previous survey Dr. Post shared a few years ago. If you previously completed the survey, THANK YOU! Your participation is complete and there is no need for you to complete an additional survey.
If you are willing to participate, please click on the link below to start the survey.
https://www.survio.com/survey/d/W7B0Q5R4N8U6C1Q6A

Please note that participation in this study is now closed.

(Image courtesy of Shutterstock/Ground Picture)

This article was previously published on my Substack page.

Buyer beware: How to navigate the maze of gifted and twice-exceptional resources

2025-01-08T11:42:00.004-05:00

There is a problem lurking in the gifted field... and in many other mental health and wellness specialties. Enough of a problem, that I am going out on a limb as I write this. I realize this may piss off some folks; I am okay with taking that risk, since I believe it is vital that families use caution when selecting resources for their children.

And while this pertains to families of gifted and twice-exceptional (2e) children, the concerns are widespread and are relevant for any parent seeking guidance about their child.

So here goes...

Times have changed!

When my kids were in school, gifted resources were pretty slim. Parents relied on each other through word-of-mouth. We had Hoagies' Gifted Education (thank you, Carolyn!), our state-based gifted education association (PAGE), and a few of the classic books about giftedness. That was it.

But now, there is an explosion in gifted and twice-exceptional (G/2e) resources: websites, podcasts, webinars, blogs, and social media parent groups. Some of these are a much-needed breath of fresh air; finally (!), parents can find their peeps and quickly gather ideas and information. Parents of G/2e kids feel so isolated and alone and desperately in need of support. It can be a blessing to find a group of like-minded adults who truly get you and get your child.

Advice, advice everywhere!

Given the widespread need, there has been an upsurge in, shall we say, questionable advice. There are self-proclaimed experts and coaches – many of whom have little or sometimes no actual training in counseling or education. There are so-called neurodiversity experts on social media, unintentionally confusing families with their adamant claims about misdiagnoses or missed diagnoses and finding identity. (In fact, self-diagnosis is now commonplace among some of the louder voices online.) There are folks with an alphabet soup of letters after their names, implying credibility. There are allusions to mental health training, when in fact, it is marginal. There is even outright deception.

How peer support differs from other types of support

I have no problem with peer support.

In fact, if I had a bullhorn, I would broadcast the value of peer support far and wide. As a psychologist, I refer clients to 12-step meetings all the time. I advocate widely for the essential importance of peer support for families of gifted children. Much of my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, was built on this foundation.

Peer support for families of G/2e children is amazing and essential. But participants know they are receiving advice from peers. Sometimes extremely helpful, supportive, wise, and life-saving advice. Peer support is a necessity. If you don't already have it, find it!

I am immensely grateful for the peer support I found through involvement in a gifted advocacy group when my children were in school. Wise parents shared ideas, troubles, worries, and essential information about testing and classes and college planning. The support and camaraderie were enormously helpful; however, it was peer support. No one in the group boasted that they were an expert.

But here is the problem...

Some folks step beyond the role of peer support to monetize their opinions. Some may be well-intentioned, kind-hearted, smart, and experts in their respective careers. But they are not trained as educators or psychotherapists or reading specialists or neuropsychologists or any other professional in a field related to giftedness or learning differences or neurodiversity.

Instead, these so-called experts claim expertise based on their own personal experience as gifted or neurodiverse or the parent of a G/2e child.

Now, there is nothing wrong with sharing one's personal journey with the intention of offering support or advocating for the needs of the gifted. Charging for the time and energy to provide space for a meeting is understandable.

But charging for advice... well, that crosses a line. By hanging out a shingle proclaiming expertise, they deceptively present themselves as an "expert" and set up a power differential that implies expertise, training, experience and a solid knowledge base. Some folks start out advocating for the gifted and transition into the role of workshop leader or life coach based solely on their personal experience, often oblivious to how much they don't know.

The lure of smartness

Gifted folks are smart. They absorb information quickly (just like their kids!) and might assume that after reading some books and research articles about giftedness or neurodivergence, they have acquired the expertise to counsel, coach, or even diagnose you or your child. Psychology and education are "squishy" fields, lacking the technicality of careers like engineering or microbiology or physics. This lack of technical complexity can lead to assumptions that, well, anyone can do the job, regardless of training.

But while SparkNotes might get your child through a high school class, shortcuts in education or mental health training don't exist.

I am a licensed psychologist – and yes, also a parenting coach. My training as a clinical psychologist informs my work and guides me when determining whether a client needs therapy or coaching. My training also provides the clarity to know the limits of my expertise. In fact, licensed psychotherapists are not permitted to practice beyond their area of training and experience.

I might support parents in their efforts to communicate effectively with the school, for example, but I would never suggest how their child should be educated. I leave that up to the dedicated teachers who actually know what they are doing!

Unfortunately, many untrained, minimally trained, or unlicensed folks in the gifted space are not bound by such constraints. They might assume that because they have lived it, their advice is valid.

Some are emboldened to claim expertise as educators or offer counseling via workshops or individual consultations, despite the absence of mental health training. In fact, some pay for endorsements or they espouse book awards for their writing that come from sites where they have paid for the review and subsequent award. I personally would not trust these folks. I hope you use caution as well.

So, buyer beware!

Parents of gifted kids are desperate for support. I get it. I don't blame anyone for seeking advice, even if the "provider" sounds too good to be true. But if you are investing your trust and hard-earned money, pay attention to what the person is offering.

How to separate the wheat from the chaff

1. Learn more.

Seek out referrals from those you trust. Ask questions. Shop around. No coach or psychotherapist is perfect and we all make mistakes (myself included). Psychotherapists should be licensed, and ideally have acquired many years of experience. Licensure laws are there to protect the public; licensed mental health professionals have at least the minimum level of training and are required to take continuing education classes to expand their knowledge.

Make sure that any life coach has a solid foundation in mental health or education, and not merely a brief credentialing course in life coaching. Ideally, coaching is best used to target a specific question or problem (e.g., executive functioning skills, SAT prep, identifying career choices) and not touted as a replacement for psychotherapy, or "therapy lite."

2. Trust your gut.

If it sounds too good to be true, run the other way. Scrutinize glossy websites and be wary of testimonials or boasts of outsize results. Trust your instincts when faced with coercive schemes or where pressure or shaming are used to recruit participants (as I described in this example of weight management coaching). Be especially wary of folks with only a scant amount of training, or sometimes, no training at all ("hey, I raised my gifted child, so I can guide you, and I'll charge you for it!") Or those who use titles (such as a doctoral degree in an unrelated field) to imply expertise in education or cognitive testing or mental health.

Unfortunately, in an era where lying and exaggeration are commonplace and social media celebrities readily offer advice, it falls on us as consumers to read between the lines. Scams and false representations occur in any field (not just politics!). This recent article, for example, describes a social media icon who proclaimed his status as a monk and spiritual guide, and whose deceptions were eventually exposed.

Take your child's needs seriously by finding someone who is the right fit, whose expertise is credible, and whose guidance you can trust.

3. Consider the value of true peer support.

Join your local or state-based gifted education association. Start a gifted parents' advocacy group at your child's school. Seek out other parents of gifted kids – whether on the playground, off-stage at your child's theater performances, or in the hallways outside of robotics tournaments. Some parenting groups found on social media sites can be tremendously supportive; however, use discretion with how much you disclose about your child, and if it involves a sensitive concern, ask the site's administrator to post anonymously. If you join a workshop or support group where you must pay for services, make sure you understand the group leader's role. While they might be charging for their time and energy, clarity is needed regarding whether they possess the expertise to offer you direct advice or guidance.

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Bottom line: Appreciate that searching and questioning are evidence of your concern and investment in supporting your child's needs. Gather all the advice, information, and support you need. But ground yourself in clarity about the reliability of any outside source before seeking out their guidance.

Wishing you well on this journey!

This article was previously published on my Substack page.

What kind of gifted person do you want to be?

2024-11-14T10:58:00.000-05:00

Who do you want to be?

I posed this question a few years ago. A strange question, I know. After all, we are who we are.

Yet, as a gifted person, you might relish the fruits of your powerful mind or creativity or intensity or even your multipotentiality – or you might resent being gifted and view it as a burden. Either way, you are no more responsible for your intellectual strengths than for your eye color. Right?

Well... perhaps you do have some control.

Many studies suggest that despite the heritability of intelligence, we all are affected by our environment... the impact of pollution, nutrition, early childhood deprivation, trauma, poverty, and the quality of the education we received. There are lucky folks among us who seem to have hit the lottery; a smooth, easy ride through childhood, the absence of trauma, and supportive families and teachers.

The rest of us... well, we have struggled. Or our giftedness remained hidden or misunderstood. Or we never fully reached our potential.

What path will you choose going forward?

In the aftermath of the recent US election (something I wrote about eight years ago!), gifted folks face questions about the next steps forward:

How do I calm my overwrought nervous system?
How do I comfort my children/friends/family while my anxiety is reeling?
How do I respond to the divisiveness in our county?
Where can I best offer my energy?

As folks regroup, lick their wounds (or bask in their election win), we all need to figure out how to coalesce as a Nation. And who is better prepared to tackle the next four years than those who think deeply and creatively, and can hold/understand/wrestle with the many complexities of the situation?

As a psychologist, writer, parent, and fellow traveler along this life journey, I have encountered many gifted folks. Some enthusiastically embrace life, learning, and their amazing potential. Others suppress and hide their talents and abilities. Still, others feel bitter and angry over lost opportunities and a world that misunderstands their intensity and differences.

You, as a gifted person, are entitled to take charge of your life and utilize your talents and abilities!

Your passionate engagement with what is meaningful is the best possible use of your inherent strengths. Even if you have endured trauma or a lackluster education. Even if you have been bullied or never feel quite like you fit in. Even if you make mistakes and are far from perfect. Regardless of whether you are 15 or 50 - you deserve to embrace your strengths and challenge yourself to expand your reach.

For those whose candidate lost the election, give yourself time to grieve, commiserate and rest. Then, consider your path forward and how/when/where to direct your unique talents. Educate yourselves, volunteer, write, lead, create, and stay productive. Find a topic that concerns you most and get involved. For example, with proposed plans to dismantle the Department of Education, special services your child receives through an IEP or GIEP may be at stake.

But find a cause that speaks to your heart and jump in. Your depth, complexity, and critical thinking skills are needed more than ever.

Poet Mary Oliver's wonderful quote applies here:

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

What will you do? What kind of gifted person will you become? How will you tackle the challenges ahead?

This blog post is also published on Substack.

Can Gifted Children Develop Empathy... Without Feeling Overwhelmed?

2024-10-21T21:10:00.005-04:00

Gifted children and teens seem primed for empathy. Highly sensitive and stridently opposed to injustice, they protest anything even remotely unfair.

But can a child's empathy overwhelm them?

Parents and teachers often wonder how to address current events without increasing fears, but also ensure that children develop empathy and compassion and learn to recognize their own biases and prejudices.

Cultivating the capacity for empathy promotes greater acceptance and insight into the motives, experiences, and hardships of others. This includes broader issues, such as inequality, climate change, the upcoming US elections, and the wars in Ukraine and Gaza to name a few. On a level closer to home, though, empathy can help gifted children learn to control their frustration toward others who don't grasp information quickly or learn to accept their parent's or teacher's imperfections.

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

How to cultivate empathy

Empathy is one of many tools necessary for achieving social justice and addressing the wrongs they encounter. Compassion experts like Tara Brach and Kristin Neff and Sharon Salzberg remind us to cultivate empathy and compassion for those we do not particularly like or understand, as well as for ourselves. Our job as parents or teachers is to help children develop empathy and awareness, quell their fears, and embolden them to go forth in the world with eyes wide open.

Gifted children grasp information quickly and are hungry to learn. Due to their sensitivity, they respond emotionally to highly charged situations. When they feel safe, understood, and permitted to express their fears and uncertainty without shame, they are more likely to remain open to others' suffering.

Through your guidance, support and attunement to their emotional needs — along with an educational environment that teaches about differences, injustice, and compassion for others — gifted children can flex their empathy muscles and enlist their drive for meaningful learning. Engaging their capacity for empathy through literature, hands-on experiences, and values clarification exercises can be transformative. In an article on Medium, I described how a reading assignment in middle school opened my mind to my own biases:

"When I was in middle school, we read “All Quiet on the Western Front,” the story of a German soldier’s horrific experiences during World War I. As a 12-year-old, steeped in movies about the Second World War, I viewed all German soldiers as “bad people.” This book challenged my prejudices, as I realized the protagonist was just another powerless adolescent, drafted into a pointless war and forced to experience the carnage and devastation no one should have to endure. This new awareness — this empathy for someone who previously embodied a negative stereotype — opened my eyes and challenged my naïve view of the world."

Managing overwhelming feelings

Your gifted child might seem to possess a bit too much empathy at times, though. They worry and become distraught and overwhelmed when they encounter inequities or see how others suffer.*

We can protect them from overwhelming fears by creating a safe environment where they can explore their questions and worries. Of course, their developmental level and ability to understand complex and nuanced problems must be considered. Otherwise, information that is too emotionally disturbing or too complex for them to grasp will overwhelm them.

Working with gifted children to put their fears into perspective, build resilience, and identify how they can actively work toward improving the lives of others can be invaluable. You can help them learn to manage their emotions with calming strategies, improved self-regulation skills, and using their capacity for logic to challenge unrealistic thinking. (More on this in future articles.)

Of course, physical and emotional safety is essential and we must work to ensure that our children are not targets of bias, prejudice, or at its worst, violence. Children who live and attend school in environments where violence is a common occurrence face relentless fear and trauma. Eliminating these threats requires a systemic effort on the part of the community.

What you can do

We do our children and students a disservice if we fail to prepare them for a widely diverse and sometimes, troubled and fractured world.

You can activate their inquisitive minds by pointing out situations that require an acceptance of differences, tolerance, and empathy, and an appreciation that they have the power to offer at least some help. As Gottlieb and colleagues pointed out, gifted children learn best when immersed in learning that engages their search for meaning and a sense of purpose. You might start with a few questions or creative suggestions:

1. What do you imagine that person is feeling right now? What are some of the emotions you would feel if you were going through it? How would you react if your best friend was going through this? Encourage them to engage in perspective-taking, where they empathize with what the other is experiencing.

2. What circumstances might have led to their predicament? Enlist brainstorming to encourage them to consider a range of possibilities, regardless of how far-fetched their ideas might seem. You can help them narrow down realistic assumptions later.

3. Even though that person or their culture seem so different, can you make a list of how they are similar to you? Help them appreciate their similarities to recognize that there is SO much we all have in common. Teachers can direct them to literature that increases their empathy for those who seem so different.

4. Can you design, draw, or build a solution? Encourage them to be productive and use their creative skills to envision how they might aid those in need. Some examples (depending on their age) might include using LEGOs to design a "hurricane-proof" home, coming up with a list of necessities for the homeless, launching a food drive at their school, or working on a mural project that conveys the diversity found in your community.

5. How do you want to help those in need when you grow up? What type of job might be fun, but also help others? Help them appreciate that they can enlist compassion and empathy in just about any job or activity. They don't need to be in a "helping" profession to treat others equitably and honestly. And even when your young adult child has little money, they can still donate their time through volunteer activities.

I was fortunate to have had a teacher who encouraged self-reflection and openness to others’ different backgrounds. All children deserve an education that awakens their intrinsic ability to feel compassion and empathy for others. And that education starts both at home and at school.

*If you or your child need support or their anxiety is persistent, counseling with a licensed mental health professional can help.

Photo courtesy of Pexels: Dipin Marharjan

A Back-to-School Checklist for Parents of Gifted and Twice-exceptional Children

2024-08-19T08:58:00.003-04:00

Parents of gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) children are tasked with a somewhat different back-to-school checklist than other parents. Yes, the backpack, lunchbox, and basic school supplies are on the list. But parents of gifted kids bear additional challenges that come with the territory.

Here is a checklist for some of the tasks ahead:

____1. Set up that IEP meeting as soon as possible.

Once your child is settled into school, revisit their IEP, GIEP, or 504 plan (examples of terms used to denote special services for students who qualify due to a disabiity or gifted cognitive abilities). What worked last year may not work now. Make sure a meeting is in place – even to touch base about how/when/where your child will receive the support they need. Advocacy efforts, unfortunately, fall on you, since many professionals lack sufficient knowledge about giftedness or overlook gifted or twice-exceptional needs. And if you reside in an area without mandates for gfited education or your child attends a private school, set up a meeting with whomever is in charge of education support.

____2. Search for activities outside of school that support and feed your child's intense interests.

Look for activities where they can thrive outside of the bounds of the traditional classroom, hone their skills, and where they might find true peers. Many times, these activities spark their passion and allow them to envision their future selves. Some examples include a film-making class, theatre, gymnastics, chess, or math leagues. Of course, keep within your budget. Many activities are low cost; you just have to search for them.

____3. Consider what evaluations or supports your child needs.

If your child has not received a cognitive or neuropsychological evaluation, approach your school for the next step. If gifted identification is mandated where you live, the school can provide testing. (If not, you will need to search for a private evaluation.) Supports can include any resources that help your child thrive, such as a reading specialist, occupational therapist, licensed mental health professional, or tutor.

____4. Search for extra-curricular activities unrelated to your child's giftedness.

Sometimes stretching themselves to try something new and different (and perhaps difficult) can open your child's eyes to other possibilities. It also builds resilience. When my kids were in elementary school, for example, they were expected to pick one sport and one musical instrument. Activities unrelated to school or their giftedness broaden their horizons and offer new perspectives. Hyperfocus isn't everything!

____5. Start planning for the following year.

School may have just started, but think ahead to what your child might need going forward. Are they transitioning into middle school or high school next year? Do you need to advocate for grade or subject acceleration or more opportunities for ability grouping? Would they beneift from a different school or summer activity where their talents will flourish? Start your search early, as some programs, schools, or specialty camps fill up quickly.

____6. If your child is in high school, start thinking about college

Learning more about college options, financial aid, and the best college fit for your child is essential. Gather information about what will boost your child's options, such as a good score on the PSATs, classes focused on SAT prep, or dual enrollment at a college (see more about college planning here). Identifying a college that can provide support for students with twice-exceptional conditions also may be relevant. Even if the school has a college counselor on site, you still know your child best and need to be involved with the college search.

____7. Encourage opportunities for personal and developmental growth.

Identify areas of growth that will help your child thrive. This might include a goal to work on social skills (encouraging your shy child to attend more social activities), developing improved executive functioning skills, such as planning and time management (skills that many gifted kids never develop when school is too easy), or using their gifts to help others. Incorporate family values, such as generosity and integrity, and encourage them, for example, to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor or volunteer at an animal shelter. Psychologist and author Steven Pfeiffer descibes character strengths that are essentail for enhancing emotional intelligence – something that many gifted children lack. Help them set goals that are just as important as academics.

____8. Pay attention to their social well-being.

Focus on what will support your child best with social and emotional struggles. Even the most well-adjusted, socially-connected child goes through tough times. But gifted and 2e children often have greater difficulty finding a friend who truly gets them. If your child is young, it may fall on you to set up playdates, with an eye toward encouraging time spent with peers who relate well to your child. If they are older, though, you can still offer some guidance. For example, if your child is anxious, they may require some encouragement and even goal-setting to ensure that they attend social events. If your child is highly sensitive, they may benefit from strategies that support them in stressful social situations. Sometimes, working with the school counselor, school psychologist, or a licensed mental health counselor can help.

____9. All A's are not necessarily a sign of success.

Some gifted children breeze through school, but never learn how to endure challenges or develop executive functioning skills. They assume that challenges should be easy and may avoid anything that is difficult. Underachievement can take many forms, and can be masked when your child seems to excel. Working with your child's teacher or gifted supervisor may help. They may benefit from specific tasks that require greater effort or work on developing planning and goal-setting strategies. If your child is perfectionistic, they may benefit from a grade-free option (sometimes available in elementary schools) where they work on a portfolio that showcases their progress rather than a targeted grade.

___ 10. Pay attention to your own health and wellbeing.

Raising a gifted or 2e child is a joy, but also quite demanding. As I mentioned throughout my book about parenting gifted children, the parent's self-awareness and attention to their own needs is essential, along with developing a support network of friends, family, and parents of other gifted kids who can navigate this journey with you. When you feel strong, clear about your parenting role, and supported by others, you are better equipped to offer the support and guidance your child needs.

Wishing you well for the upcoming school year!

Explaining your child's quirky, neurodivergent, and just plain gifted behaviors to others

2024-07-11T08:56:00.003-04:00

Your child is gifted, quirky, filled with curiosity, and quite different from the kids most folks encounter.

How do you explain your child's giftedness or neurodivergence to others? How can you enlist understanding from teachers, school administrators, and other parents in your community?

You have likely encountered what I have seen as well – the side-eye glances, the puzzled expressions, the reprimands to be less... just less. You may have experienced heartbreak when your child was rejected once again or became disillusioned with learning when school seemed so boring and rote. You may have bristled when school administrators offerred platitudes about gifted programming (a pull-out program for one hour a week!) and casually eradicated any semblence of meaningful learning so that "the other kids don't feel bad" when your child receives some additional challenging instruction.

Here are some possible steps toward supporting and protecting your child from the misguided attitudes you both encounter.

1. First, get grounded in what you know to be true.

Consume information. Collect data. Revise. Repeat.

Read everything you can find about giftedness, twice-exceptionalities, and gifted education. But choose reliable sources. Google Scholar is a good place to start. Other sources also have archives of information, such as Hoagie's Gifted Education or the Davidson Institute. Consider joining some social media sites for parents of the gifted or twice-exceptional, but keep in mind that opinions are subjective and you may not always find accurate, unbiased information. Ask professionals familiar with giftedness for advice (such as your pediatrician, a trusted teacher, or the psychologist who tested your child).

But most of all, gain clarity about your child, who they are, and what they need. Generalizations about giftedness, neurodiversity, and learning approaches may not apply. Understanding and attunement to your unique child is essential.

2. Assume ignorance rather than malice.

Yes, some adults behave badly and target your child for being different. Most people (even some gifted folks) don't understand giftedness or hold a bias against it, conflating giftedness with achievement or dedicated practice or privilege.

In reality, these biases and misconceptions contribute to a profound deficit in gifted educational resources. Many gifted students are overlooked. This is especially true for persons of color, English Language Learners, or those living in poverty. Those children whose astute and well-meaning teachers recognize their gifted abilities still may not receive the education they desperately need. Most teachers are swamped with competing demands and may assume (fingers crossed) that the gifted child "will do just fine" without their input – especially when they are juggling a classroom full of typically developing, special needs, or behaviorally challenged students. They kick the can down the road and hope your child will find their way.

3. Consider strategies for tactfully and clearly explaining your child's behaviors, quirks, and intellectual needs.

Your child grasps some information quickly, but unfortunately, can be impatient. Your child shows signs of asynchronous development, where their maturity lags behind their abilities. Your child has occasional meltdowns when faced with certain situations; they are still learning how to regulate and manage their emotions but have not yet achieved this skill. Your child has some strengths, but also a twice-exceptional condition, such as a learning disability or ADHD, that requires some unique accomodations.

You have learned to understand these contradictions, but others may be puzzled or dismissive. Explain your observations about your child in a matter-of-fact manner that acknolwedges their confusion but clarifies what your child needs.

4. Tactfully challenge misconceptions.

No, giftedness is not an elitist concept and does not imply that your child is better than another. Yes, gifted education is a right and not a privilege – all children deserve to learn at a level consistent with their intellectual needs. No, despite your child's advanced math skills, they may not necessarily excel in art or any other subject. No, gifted children are not necessarily high achievers. Yes, your child can behave immaturely; gifted cognitive abilities do not necessarily instill great social skills. No, even though your child gets good grades, it does not mean they are working hard or learning something new or challenging.

* * *

As I have suggested previously (see here for a list of articles), you are challenged to advocate and assume the role of "ambassador for giftedness" wherever you go. It falls on you to educate others in a kind, straightforward, yet persistent manner, dispel myths and misconceptions, and encourage them to understand that giftedness is a "difference" that must to recognized and addressed. You didn't bargain for this role; yet, here you are, advocating for your child and thousands of other children who remain misunderstood.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you advocate for your child!

** For insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children.

The photo above is courtesy of Unsplash/Linkedin Sales Solutions

How Parents' Expectations Affect their Gifted Child

2024-06-19T09:12:00.000-04:00

We all have expectations – for ourselves and for our children.*

However, the daunting responsibility of shepherding a highly gifted child into adulthood can seem overwhelming. We are keenly aware of their potential, which may increase our expectations along with questions, worry, and uncertainty.

Gifted children are also quite aware of their potential and how much they differ from their peers. They recognize their capabilities, yet sometimes falter. Insecurity, perfectionism, fear of rejection, and discomfort with competition all take their toll. Parents often feel uncertain about how much to push their child to achieve, when to back off, and how to balance their own expectations.

Will my involvement and encouragement help or hinder their progress? How much should I actually push them? How do I distinguish between what will provide opportunities for my child as an adult and what is best for them right now?

Expectations are not inherently bad. Most families hold certain expectations related to family values, cultural practices, manners, honesty, responsibility, and a work ethic. And maintaining positive, realistic, and appropriately high expectations for your child lays the groundwork for their own path toward internalizing values related to responsibility and achievement. Children benefit from your expectations; it boosts their self-esteem and builds resilience when they complete tasks or behave responsibly and know that you trust them to tackle a challenge.

Tips for managing expectations:

As a psychologist, I have seen the essential importance of parents’ attuned awareness to both their child and their own wishes and expectations. This involves recognizing your child’s unique strengths and challenges, as well as what influences your parenting decisions. The following are some ideas to consider as you explore your expectations:

1. Recognize your child’s unique abilities, talents, and interests, as well as their limitations and what saps their motivation. Consider what expectations are appropriate in light of their abilities, developmental level and unique challenges, such as anxiety or a twice-exceptional condition. Recognize the internal pressures they may be feeling (such as insecurity or perfectionism) and the school, community, or social climate that affects them.

2. Consider how to best motivate your child. How do they respond to your encouragement? Do they thrive when challenged? Are they receptive to your input, or do they argue, rebel, or withdraw? Notice what typically works (e.g., goal setting, firm limits, reminders, humor, supportive comments) and what backfires. Always avoid using harsh punishment, threats, shaming, or insisting on accomplishments that are well beyond their capabilities.

3. Distinguish between what is necessary now and what can wait. Recognize that there is a trade-off between their needs in the moment and what might build pathways toward future success. Consider their temperament, level of sensitivity, frustration tolerance, mood, and the skills they still need to learn. Pick your battles, compromise when appropriate, and appreciate the importance of timing and pacing in your attempts to motivate them.

4. Help your child find value in academic goals and appreciate how their efforts (and not just their innate abilities) are associated with positive outcomes. Remind them that while success can include excelling at a high level, it is also evident in less noticed but equally important actions, such as adopting organizational strategies, overcoming social anxiety, staying focused in a class they dislike, or showing kindness to others.

5. Recognize when your own needs affect your expectations and parenting decisions.** Consider the impact of family of origin influences, concerns about others’ perceptions, and possibly, your own unmet academic or career aspirations. Parenting can be a tough lesson in humility when it requires letting go of expectations, especially if they are misaligned with what your child needs. Your personal self-awareness, a recognition of your own wishes and expectations, and the flexibility to change course, when necessary, will help your child move forward.

Most gifted children are well aware of their potential and likely feel some internalized pressure to achieve. Recognize when this awareness is a motivator and when it contributes to anxiety, inertia, or insecurity. They need to know that while you hold certain expectations for them, you love them no matter what – regardless of their successes or failures. Let them know that you are there to support them and help them build the necessary skills they need for achieving their goals.

The photo above is courtesy of Pexels/Ketut Subiyanto

* A similar version of this article was published in Davidson Institute Expert Series, and in the NAGC's Parenting for High Potential newsletter:

Post, G. (2023). The conundrum of high expecations. Parenting for High Potential Newsletter, Vol. 12, No. 3, September.

What your therapist needs to know about giftedness

2024-05-08T08:58:00.001-04:00

What does your therapist need to know about giftedness? And why should this matter?

Most therapists are not trained to consider how giftedness can affect you or your child. Cognitive complexity, emotional sensitivities, asynchronous development, twice-exceptional conditions, and outlier status with peers may be misconstrued or misdiagnosed. Many are unfamiliar with the distress children feel when bored at school, or how perfectionism, high expectations, and existential angst create barriers to reaching potential.

Of course, this does not mean that you must find a giftedness-informed therapist. Given the wealth of information available now, it is not that difficult for a skilled therapist with extensive training and experience to learn more.

For Mental Health Awareness Month, and with permission, I am sharing part of my article, Intellectual Giftedness Imparts Challenges That Affect Gifted Clients Throughout the Lifespan* written for a special issue on disabilities for the Pennsylvania Psychologist.

It is written as a brief research-oriented review, so less "chatty" than most blog posts. But hopefully you (or your therapist or your child's therapist) might find it helpful.

Giftedness has an impact across the lifespan

At first glance, including gifted intellectual ability in a conversation about disabilities might seem odd. Although not a disability in a traditional sense, exceptional cognitive ability associated with an IQ of 130 or higher – two or more standard deviations above the mean – imparts distinct differences that, at times, create a disadvantage for gifted individuals and contribute to a range of deficits.

Gifted children learn at a faster pace and with greater depth and complexity than their classmates and often endure boredom in classrooms ill-equipped to accommodate their academic needs. They sense how much they differ from same-age peers and may struggle to engage in normative social activities. Many struggle with heightened feelings of sensitivity and emotional reactivity, along with asynchronous development, where social/emotional maturity lags behind intellectual strengths. This sense of “differentness,” – this outlier status – can contribute to social, emotional, motivational, and academic challenges that hamper their development, affect peer relations, and create inner turmoil. (Webb, et al., 2007).

Most conceptualizations of giftedness presuppose an IQ of 130 or higher; however, additional criteria have been proposed, including exceptional creativity, motivation, task commitment, expertise, environmental impacts that can either thwart or enhance capabilities, and asynchronous development (e.g., Worrell, et al., 2019).

Despite these expanded views of giftedness, many children remain unidentified because they do not “look gifted” to educators. Gifted under-identification often occurs when gifted children underachieve or mask their giftedness to fit in with peers or when they present with a twice-exceptional condition (such as ADHD or a learning disability) that obscures their strengths. Gifted under-identification is especially common among students who are English Language Learners, persons of color, or who reside in impoverished home environments, creating an “excellence gap” where those most in need of enrichment remain underserved (NAGC, 2019).

The dearth of appropriate educational services, stereotypical assumptions about giftedness, and the widespread misconception that gifted children will “do just fine” regardless of their education deprives these children of much-needed academic services. Gifted education is legally mandated in public schools in PA; however, many school districts are non-compliant. Universal pre-screening for cognitive abilities, referrals for cognitive testing, and implementation of research-backed strategies, such as acceleration or ability grouping, are frequently absent.

Children who are chronically bored and under-stimulated may become depressed, apathetic, oppositional, disruptive in the classroom, and fail to develop executive functioning skills.

Why this matters

Psychologists must be alert to the cognitive and social/emotional impact of giftedness in assessment and treatment, and in consultation with educators or prescribing medical professionals. Giftedness may contribute to or amplify social, emotional, academic, motivational, and vocational struggles. Gifted children can be misdiagnosed with ADHD, OCD, ASD, or an anxiety disorder, when in fact, their symptoms are more consistent with the emotional intensity, sensitivity, heightened energy, rigidity, asynchronous development, or overthinking so prevalent among the gifted (Webb, et al., 2005).

A child’s emotional or behavioral difficulties also may be fueled by peer rejection, social isolation, apathy associated with boredom at school, or internalized pressure to succeed. Widely diverse symptoms and behaviors – ranging from selective mutism to oppositionality to substance abuse – can be understood as compensatory mechanisms used to quell intense emotions or offset disengagement from school or peers.

Are gifted children more prone to psychological problems?

Questions have been raised regarding whether gifted children are more prone to psychological problems than their neurotypical peers. Some researchers and theorists view gifted intellectual strengths (including critical thinking skills, internal locus of control, and openness to experience) as buffering mechanisms that enhance resilience (e.g., Kronborg, et al, 2017); others propose that their emotional reactivity and tendency toward overthinking leaves them psychologically vulnerable (e.g., Karpinski, et al, 2018).

Reviews of the research (Neihart & Yeo, 2018) support both perspectives and suggest a mixed presentation that includes both exceptional strengths and disabling weaknesses. Szymanski (2021), for example, proposed a harmony/disharmony hypothesis to describe how giftedness affects all aspects of a child’s life:

“The harmony hypothesis supposes that high IQ allows individuals access to better problem-solving abilities, greater frequency of ideas, and abstract thinking, which serve as buffers to reduce some negative social and emotional issues faced in development. Conversely, the disharmony hypothesis posits that feelings of being different, increased awareness, and pressure to perform may contribute to a more negative developmental experience for gifted children than for nongifted” (p. 417).

As psychologists, we must consider the impact of giftedness in assessment and in educational or treatment planning (NAGC, 2019). We can utilize our skills to consult with educators and prescribing medical professionals, and advocate for changes in how these children’s needs are addressed within the schools. Parents of the gifted also benefit from support since normative parenting advice may not always apply (Post, 2022).

What about gifted adults?

Giftedness does not disappear after childhood; its impact is seen throughout the lifespan. In fact, many gifted adults who show up in our psychotherapy offices describe a long-standing history of emotional distress, social rejection, and the use of compensatory behaviors to cope with their emotions. Vocational problems may stem from boredom, impatience, perfectionism, an absence of executive functioning skills, or multipotentiality.

Older gifted adults may feel despair upon retirement if their sense of purpose is lost, and gifted elders may become depressed if like-minded peers do not reside within their retirement communities. In short, gifted individuals experience the same psychological conditions as their neurotypical peers; however, giftedness infuses an added layer of cognitive complexity, introspection, and sensitivity that may trigger or intensify emotional distress,

What psychologists must consider in their work with gifted individuals

In our clinical work, we are called upon to provide therapeutic support for gifted children, adolescents, and adults as they navigate a world not quite built for them. Regardless of our therapeutic orientation, providing a warm, supportive presence is essential – one where their differentness, quirks, and social struggles are understood; where overthinking, heightened emotional reactivity, and self-regulation or executive functioning deficits can be addressed; and where they feel comfortable exploring their emotions and existential concerns related to life’s complexities.

*Post, G. (2024) Intellectual giftedness imparts challenges that affect gifted clients throughout the lifespan. Pennsylvania Psychologist, 84(2), 23-24.

The photo above is courtesy of Unsplash/Tim Gouw

**Continuing education for therapists:

Information in my book is also relevant for psychotherapists. It can be used to meet APA-approved Continuing Education requirements through an online course offered through SENG, a non-profit organization dedicated to the needs of the gifted.

College admissions for gifted students: Emotions, uncertainty, and decisions

2024-04-01T19:12:00.006-04:00

April 1st can seem like consolation day for many gifted high school seniors. And it's no joke.

College admissions offers have been received, and many families learn on April Fool's Day that their gifted child will not be attending the college of their choice. With acceptance rates less than 10% at many highly selective colleges, even exceptional students are shut out.

When gifted children are young, many parents assume that high school success will translate into an array of college choices. Many are shocked and bitter when their child is rejected from a wide range of schools. They may believe they have been deceived and betrayed; their child’s hard work and effort was ignored, and raw talent and ability overlooked.

I wrote a similar article about college admissions ten years ago. Both of my kids were in college and had already weathered the college application process. Despite some fun times visiting a variety of colleges, waiting for acceptances and then narrowing down their choices was... shall we say, a challenge. Fortunately, they landed at great schools that seemed an ideal fit for their social and academic needs.

Over the past year, I have spoken with parents whose children applied Early Decision to their dream school in hopes this would increase their odds of admission. These teens are all amazing, lovely, accomplished students with great potential. Yet, all were rejected.

Those whose children applied for regular decision have all likely received their notifications. Some may be elated. Many might feel both excited and anxious about choosing between several colleges where they were accepted. But some are left to feel angry and deflated and must settle for a "safety" school they never assumed they would attend.

Why do so many gifted children get rejected from colleges they are presumably qualified to attend?

When highly selective colleges are inundated with applications, they have to draw the line somewhere. They have quotas, priorities and long-range goals, along with financial burdens. While most would likely prefer to admit the most talented, high-achieving students they can find, selecting who fits this criteria is complicated. And the sheer number of academically successful applicants is astonishing. National Merit Finalist Valedictorians with stellar SAT's are viewed as commonplace, and most will be rejected without some additional compelling qualifications.

College admissions officers at these selective schools will tell you they are seeking a well-rounded, diversified class of students. They claim to use “holistic admissions,” viewing the whole student and not just grades and SAT scores. Yet, this term is often used as a thinly veiled excuse for achieving quotas based on geographic location, ethnicity, and athletic ability, along with wealth, and legacy connection (otherwise known as “hooks”). The highly publicized college admissions cheating scandal several years ago pointed to the dark side of college admissions, along with the extent some parents will go to advance their child's career.

What if your child is still in the college-planning process?

Gifted students often need to create a profile that is quite exceptional and well beyond the norm. When a gifted, high-achieving student does not possess the "hooks" that boost the likelihood of acceptance, they will need to stand out from the crowd. This is especially true for those who attend public school or are homeschooled, since many private schools have counselors dedicated to maintaining connections with elite colleges. A 4.0 and top SAT scores may prompt a closer look, but without other outstanding qualifications, the elite, tippy-top schools will toss their application into the rejection pile.

To garner a "second look," students need an application that conveys a depth of ability and achievement, such as performing independent research, excelling at college courses (taken as part of dual enrollment), exceptional mastery in the arts, awards from science fairs or other demanding competitions, or truly innovative extracurriculars or volunteer work. Sometimes, they need all of the above to demonstrate both breadth and intensity of focus. Their efforts need to clearly convey their aptititude as well as their motivation to tackle unique and challenging work.

But not all gifted students need to attend one of the elite, tippy-top colleges!

Before applying to highly selective colleges, parents need to clearly understand their child's social, emotional, and academic needs. They also must consider their child's realistic chances for admission. Look at the highest percentiles for acceptance rates at the colleges in terms of grades, SAT scores and other requirements. If your child is in that range, he or she may stand a chance. But realize that acceptance to an ivy league or comparable school (such as Stanford or MIT), is almost impossible to predict. There are a lot of benefits for gifted students at these elite colleges (including exceptional financial aid); however, there are many great colleges out there that should not be overlooked.

It is essential that gifted students identify less competitive schools that would be a good fit and would readily welcome them. Many schools offer honors programs and other specialized tracks that can provide a great education. Gifted students can excel wherever they go and will find mentors, excellent professors and innovative programs that can stimulate their creativity. Attachment to a "dream" school is a set-up for disappointment in the capricious, uncertain world of college admissions.

A note to current seniors:

If you have just received your letters of admission, hopefully you are relieved and excited. If you received rejections, it is important to appreciate the competitiveness of these schools and not assume it is a reflection on your abilities. It may not seem fair that you didn't get into the school of your choice. But you can use your abilities to thrive wherever you go. And perhaps this experience will help you gain perspective and develop resilience when facing future challenges. Good luck with your decisions!

This article is an update to April 1st is no joke for some gifted high school seniors.

Photo above is courtesy of to Unsplash/Tim Gouw

** For more insights about parenting gifted children, please see my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey. Available through the publisher and the usual bookseller sites, this book addresses a previously neglected topic in the literature: the needs and emotional life of parents of gifted children. For more information about this book, snippets from editorial reviews, and upcoming workshops and book events, please see this link.**

What giftedness is not: A list to share with those who don't get it

2024-03-05T08:43:00.005-05:00

Misconceptions about giftedness abound.

Many folks think they know what gifted is – those whip smart kids who know all the answers, who overachieve, whose parents must be “pushing” them, who are nerds and misfits. It is assumed that parenting – and teaching – gifted kids must be a breeze, and that they cruise through school, waltz into an ivy league college, move on to a tech start-up, and are good to go.

But these assumptions are rarely true - other than the whip-smart part. Parents of the gifted – and grown-up gifted adults – know the reality; giftedness is a mixed bag of amazing intellect, creativity, and attuned sensitivity combined with uneven development, social struggles, and emotional reactivity.

All of this leaves them feeling different from the norm... because they are.

Here is a short list of ten myths and misconceptions about giftedness:

Giftedness is not…

1. Neurotypical. These kids process information differently, with greater speed, pace, and depth of thinking. They also may possess overexcitabilities, asynchronous development (where their maturity lags behind their intellect) or twice-exceptionalities (where they struggle with a condition, such as ADHD, anxiety or a learning disability. They are different!

2. A one-size-fits-all concept. Gifted children don’t necessarily progress at the same rate (especially when asynchronous development is evident), and their areas of strengths, interests, and intensities vary from one child to the next. Their gifts cannot be pigeon-holed into one simplistic category.

3. Readily identifiable. Not all gifted kids are easily noticed. Many do not fit the stereotype of the exceptionally verbal, high achieving child, and remain under-identified by parents and schools. Many are overlooked because they are late bloomers or disengaged from school or have a twice-exceptional condition that masks their talents. Many are also ignored because of racial, gender, or sociocultural biases.

4. Elitist. Despite false assumptions that giftedness is the purview of the White and wealthy, gifted children can be found among every racial, cultural and economic group. Unfortunately, gifted children who are minorities, English Language Learners, or those from impoverished backgrounds are most frequently under-identified and excluded from receiving gifted services.

5. A bastion of nerds and misfits. Look around. Some of the most interesting, creative, and funny people we know are gifted. Just think about some of our greatest thinkers, leaders, and comedians. Challenging these stereotypes about the gifted is long overdue.

6. A choice. Despite some misguided claims on social media, you cannot choose to reinvent your child as neurotypical by ignoring their differences. Giftedness is merely a term that describes their neurodiversity; it is nothing to boast about - but also nothing to hide.

7. A disturbance. Widespread myths, misconceptions, and misdiagnoses abound – amplified by media portrayals of the lonely misfit or anxious overachiever. While some gifted kids struggle with mental health problems (just like anyone else), giftedness also engenders resilience and strength.

8. A guarantee of success. Talent, potential, and smarts? Yup. But motivation and a drive to achieve may evade them, depending on their temperament and especially, their learning environment. Self-doubts, boredom, poor executive functioning skills, or perfectionism. for example, can derail their efforts.

9. Easy to raise. Nope. Raising a child with heightened sensitivities, energy, and intensity, along with asynchronous development and social struggles is an added challenge. And finding the best academic fit is a challenge for many families, as they must regularly advocate in the schools or find sometimes time-intensive or costly alternatives, such homeschooling or private schools.

10. A bad thing. Definitely not true! Embrace your child’s enormous energy and passion for learning. Laugh along with their quirks and offbeat sense of humor. Commiserate with their big emotions, empathy, and compassion for others. Relish their intensity and depth. They are a bundle of joy for you to embrace.

Enjoy the ride!

A similar version of this article was published in the GHF Journeys online newsletter.

Image above is attributed to Unsplash/Siora Photography

You Can't Fool a Gifted Kid; They Spot Inauthenticity a Mile Away

2024-02-05T09:29:00.012-05:00

Gifted children come equipped with an attuned awareness of the world around them.

Sometimes this attunement comes in different flavors. Some gifted kids use logic, and even mathematical equations to figure things out. Others are hit with insight like a lightning bolt. Still others feel profound empathy. They easily spot kindness. They cringe when confronted with duplicitous behavior or meanness. They question why bullying and nastiness and deception exist at all; it is harsh and mean... and doesn't make any sense.

You can't fool them. You can't cajole them. You can't pretend. Gifted kids spot inauthenticity, falsehoods, injustice, unfairness, and just plain foolishness a mile away. They have no patience for pettiness, spitefulness, false bravado, or fake friendliness. They have no respect for pretenders and posers. They cannot tolerate teachers who seem to lack depth or clarity about what they are teaching - and get in trouble for eye rolling, reading a book in their laps, or asking pertinent and confrontational questions.

But as long as authenticity is part of the equation, they will be accepting and forgiving.

They understand that all adults make mistakes, that their friends can have a bad day, and that teachers are imperfect. They accept apologies and are typically compassionate toward another's struggles. Some of their existential distress - especially common among gifted teens - stems from a deep disappointment that their family members, educators, religious leaders, politicians, or community members seem duplicitous, unkind, or willing to follow set values and doctrine they feel make no sense. Underlying their existential angst is despair. They feel adrift once they have lost faith in those people and institutions they once trusted.

Your gifted child may not necessarily agree with your rules; they may complain and groan and relentlessly challenge you. But ultimately, they recognize when your decisions make sense. They may not like putting down their toys for bedtime or limiting snacks before dinner or taking out the trash, but they realize that these "rules" makes sense, despite their unpleasantness. They recognize that you are attuned to their needs, even if they grumble and complain. However, if their bedtime, for example, is much earlier than the norm among their friends or if it makes no sense to them, they will bristle, feel despair (that their developmental or seemingly age-appropriate needs are misunderstood), and perhaps, start to lie and find a workaround.

Of couse, they may not always act like they have a clue. Many are sociallly awkward, impatient with their peers, quick to challenge authority, or hide their attuned self in order to fit in. They may be rigid and judgmental and self-righteous, regardless of how much their actions might hurt those around them. Some of these behaviors stem from asynchronous development, where maturity lags behind their cognitive abilities or even their given age. Other times, their sense of justice and and fairness rises up within them and they blurt out their frustration with little regard for its impact on others. With time and maturity, most learn how to temper their frustration and more tactfully express their complaints.

Parenting, teaching, or mentoring a gifted child can be tough. They spot every flaw and are quick to point them out! They expect authenticity and empathy and attunement. They won't hold a grudge when they realize you lied about Santa, but they might if they find liquor bottles hidden under the sink (and depair that you or your spouse/partner are unwilling to treat a drinking problem). They desperately need to trust you, rely on you, and feel that you love them deeply, regardless of their missteps, and that their giftedness or achievements are never tied to your love for them.

It's hard to be authentic and empathetic when life gets in the way. As a parent, finding support and peers who understand is just a critical as any parenting guidelines or philosophy. Understanding your own struggles, setting aside time for yourself, and finding friends who get you (including other parents of gifted kids) will support you while raising your complex and intense child. As I emphasize in my book, The Gifted Parenting Journey, a compassionate understanding of your own needs and finding adequate support is essential when raising any child - but especially a gifted or twice-exceptional child.

Gifted impatience: Is it a thing?

2024-01-15T08:42:00.002-05:00

One of the most baffling traits shared by some gifted folks is their impatience. They grapple with a world that makes no sense and endure constant reminders that their intentions are misunderstood. They fume about others' foibles, despair over job snafus, and sometimes abandon friendships when values differ.

Yet, the gifted also typically possess heightened sensitivity and empathy. So how does that translate into a low tolerance for others' (or their own) mistakes?

A gifted individual's sensitivity and empathy, their astute awareness, and their complex minds all blend with their high expectations when forming perceptions of people or events. This fuels impatience when others (or when they, themselves) fail to live up to these expectations.

Impatience starts in childhood and continues well into adulthood

Impatience with others starts early. You see it in young gifted children. They become enraged when their friends don't understand the boardgame rules or can't appreciate their passion for cataloging geological eras. They become bossy or demanding or run home crying in despair when their friends don't get them. Later, they learn to suppress outward signs of frustration, but are furious inside. Worse yet, they quickly realize how much they differ from others, assume they'll never find their niche, and may start to withdraw.

Adolescence compounds the problem. An awareness of their differentness amplifies the usual teen angst related to peer pressure and dissillusionment with authority. Gifted teens often feel betrayed by cultural, religious, and family values that no longer make sense, and may experience an existential crisis. They see their peers making impractical choices they would never consider, such as risky sexual behaviors or excessive drug and alcohol use, and don't understand why some kids seem to hate learning. They feel like old souls in a child's body, and realize how they just don't fit in with mainstream society.

Some gifted teens place undue demands on themselves. They are impatient and unforgiving when they make a mistake, striving to achieve unattainable expectations. Other gifted teens may be perceived as opinionated and arrogant, or at the very least, unapproachable. Their cynicism and snarky rebuttals create barriers that interfere with relationships. They become frustrated with their peers' slower pace or seemingly simplistic grasp of the facts, and may lose respect for teachers or other authority figures whom they deem lacking in complexity.

As adults, gifted folks may feel alienated from family members and even old friends whom they no longer respect. They endure frustration at work when colleagues seem disengaged or lack a strong work ethic or (once again) cannot grasp information as quickly. Rote tasks, arbitrary rules, and small talk can become unbearable. Tolerating company directives they view as pointless leaves them demoralized. Many gifted folks feel their ideas are "correct;" yet, that is small comfort when they feel so misunderstood and alone.

What can an impatient gifted person do in a world that makes no sense?

1. First, recognize your grief. Your gift for seeing the world clearly and with depth and complexity creates a dilemma that sometimes leaves you on the outside looking in. Most classmates, neighbors, or coworkers are not going to understand or agree. You may need to grieve this reality and reach out to those few trusted friends or family, or even a therapist, who can understand and validate your perspective. They don't need to agree with every point; they just need to acknowledge the sadness and despair underneath your frustration. Let them in. Let them support and comfort you.

2. Secondly, consider that you may not always be "right." We are always growing and learning. What seems like an absolute may change over time. Consider that what seems like truth may be infused with your unique perspective formed through personal experiences, cultural values, family influences, or the limitations of your education. There is so much you don't know.

3. Enlist your powerful empathy. You may have boundless compassion for those less fortunate, yet bristle when your coworker cannot complete assignments on time. Enlist your astute radar for what others are feeling and remind yourself that many people you encounter are trying their best and may not have the same privilege as you.

4. Okay, but empathy and compassion have their limits. In fact, you might not want to remain in untenable situations for too long. This could mean leaving your job, changing careers, or disengaging from some friendships. Finding more meaningful, stimulating, and engaging connections may seem impossible at first, given the limited number of gifted folks out there. And of course, not every gifted person you meet is going to agree with you! But searching for meaning and intellectual challenge is vital to your own well-being; don't ignore this mandate.

5. Commit to self-regulation and to cultivating a self-care practice so you can more easily manage the frustrations that inevitably arise. This might include some of the basics, such as sound nutrition, regular exercise, and a consistent sleep schedule. It can also include a calming practice (such as meditation, yoga, or even prayer), creative outlets, meaningful volunteer work, and joyful time with loved ones. You may feel things intensely; that doesn't mean intensity must be debilitating. Find the self-care strategies that work best and commit to using them.

6. Find connection and support. Yes, you can enlist logic and critical thinking and rely on yourself to figure things out. But battling frustrations on your own keeps you isolated. Join activities where like-minded peers converge. Find a support group for gifted folks. Express your frustrations through creative outlets, exercise, or venting to friends. Reach out to loved ones. Consider therapy if your feelings of despair or frustration become overwhelming.

Your impatience is a warning sign that something is amiss. You have choices in how you digest and interpret information and in how you approach each person or situation. Developing resilience and coping strategies for frustrating encounters and disappointments are essential. The serenity prayer used in almost all 12-step programs is a great reminder to recognize what you can and cannot change and to develop the wisdom to know the difference. Enlist your immense capacity for logic and critical thinking when evaluating what you can do going forward, but don't let expectations or a desire for perfection (in yourself or others) limit you. And reach out to others for support; you don't have be endure your emotions in isolation.

“Simplicity, patience, compassion; these three are your greatest treasures.” - Lao Tzu, ancient Chinese philosopher

Gifted Challenges' Pick for 2023: Best Articles about Gifted Education, Twice-exceptionality, and Parenting

2023-12-14T22:59:00.002-05:00

This has been quite a year. Political turmoil, wars, climate change effects. Despite these stressors, you are navigating life with your child and trying to ensure their health, academic success, and emotional well-being. As always, there were many great articles this year related to the above concerns; selecting a top-ten list is always a challenge. But I hope you find the articles below stimulating and thought-provoking.

On a personal note, this December marks 40 years since receiving my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. It is hard to believe that I have been working in the field this long - and even more, that I still find it gratifying, meaningful, and filled with learning. I feel so grateful that I stumbled upon this career at an early age and continue to learn and grow as a psychotherapist. And I am grateful to the thousands of clients who have trusted me over the years, many of whom "risked" working with me as a young and inexperienced clinician during my training and early career years.

I am equally grateful for my writing opportunities over the past 11 years that allow me to advocate for the needs of the gifted. In addition to this blog, numerous articles, and my recent book about gifted parenting, I write about mental health and wellbeing on the Medium platform Wise & Well. Many of you also receive my monthly newsletter where I share the latest articles of interest. (If you have not signed up yet, please join me here.) And I plan to continue to share meaningful articles I find throughout the year on social media, especially on my Facebook Gifted Challenges page.

Thank you to all of you who follow me on social media, read my articles, and share your comments and concerns. As always, please let me know if you have questions or suggestions by contacting me at gailpostphd@gmail.com.

My Top 10 list for 2023

How to Ensure Twice-Exceptional Students Don't Slip Through the Cracks

Essential advice for identifying and supporting your twice-exceptional child at school.

Building a Wider, More Diverse Pipeline of Advanced Learners

See the National Working Group on Advanced Education report.

Nine Tips to Avoid Falling for Mental Health Misinformation

There are an astonishing number of myths and misinformation about psychotherapy and mental health circulating online. This is a MUST READ that highlights what you need to know to protect yourself and your children.

Algebra for None: The Effects of San Francisco's Detracking Reform

In a misguided attempt to provide equity, this school district is hurting all learners, and harms those most in need. And it has been used as a model for other districts across the country.

Noone Knows Exactly What Social Media is Doing to Teens

What role does social media really play when considering your child's mental health? See this interesting overview.

Seven Tips for LGBTQ Parents to Help Schools Fight Stigma and Ignorance

Helpful information for LGBTQ parents to address problems that can affect their children.

Disabilities in Math Affect Many Students - But Get Little Attention

See more about how math disabilities can be identified and addressed in school.

Positive Parenting Can Help Protect Against the Stress in Childhood and Adolescence

How a positive parenting approach is an essential tool for parents that can build resilience.

America's Highest-achieving Students are Disproportionately Asian. Let's Not Be Afraid to Investigate Why.

Understanding this discrepancy in achievement can provide information about what might work for all students.

A Fifty-State Analysis of Non-district Students' Access to District-provided Services

If your child is homeschooled or attending a private school, see what additional services might be available within your district.

**Wishing all of you a happy and healthy New Year, filled with joy and wonder.**

- Gail